Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)I spent A LOT of years trying to protect Dan from his own crappy decisions. In doing so, I inadvertently buffered him from the very real consequences of his actions (or inactions). In fact, I protected and buffered him so well that he had zero incentive to change. 🤦🏻‍♀️.If I could go back in time, I'd save both of us a whole lot of frustration by reminding him a normal amount about important things — and then letting life happen. Oh, you never replied to your ex's email in time about that day trade to accommodate our family vacation? Guess your kid isn't coming then. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I know that sounds mean but it only would've taken ONE incident like that to improve our entire family dynamic. ONE. And instead, I spent years and years arguing and nagging and frustrated as hell... with no effect whatsoever, unless you include increasing both our stress levels.Caring more about your partner's boundaries with the ex than they do, or caring more about your stepkid's upbringing than your partner does — both of those are recipes for resentment, frustration, and a whole lotta arguing in circles. Let's not do that anymore. Instead, go read this: ➡️ THE DISENGAGING ESSAY 👀 Disengaging is often incorrectly interpreted as having nothing to do with your stepkids, but really it’s about stepping back from trying to control everything. Which you might not even realize you’re doing — I definitely didn’t.Anyway. All this is to say, it really is okay to let your partner & your stepkids experience the natural consequences of their actions or inactions. If you’ve tried everything else, I encourage you to maybe try that next and see how it goes.Side note: if you’re finding this podcast helpful, I’d really appreciate it if you’d take a couple minutes to leave a review! Reviews help us get more listeners, and helping more stepparents is definitely the goal. Thanks so much and I’ll catch you back here tomorrow. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Okay. I know it’s super easy to take everything about becoming a stepparent and blending your family really seriously. And understandably so — there’s a lot of worrying involved in stepparenting. What if the kids never warm up to you? What if that initial awkwardness never goes away? What if you always feel like an outsider? What if your partner never starts parenting their dang kids? What if the ex never stops interfering in your lives? What if what if what if?To all of this, I propose an alternative solution to constant agonizing that I know will sound like a gross oversimplification but just… hear me out: try to relax. Seriously. Lighten up a little on all that anxiety and doomsday-predicting.There’s no way you’re gonna blend a family without some mistakes and mishaps along the way — but that is normal and okay and doesn’t mean you’re doing any of this wrong or you’ll never feel blended. Something that really helped me was learning more about stepfamily dynamics and how all of this works. So I really encourage you to go read this: ➡️ The 3 phases (& 7 stages) of blending your family 👀I promise, so much of what you’re experiencing is so incredibly common. And if you need any reassurance about that, please come join our Substack community. The posts in our private chatroom are so friggin relatable and validating, and everyone is super helpful and amazing. You don’t have to go through this alone. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Yesterday I talked about how we don’t need anyone else’s approval to move forward as a stepfamily. This goes double or maybe triple or maybe exponentially times a million for not needing approval from your partner’s ex.I know on some level, wanting the ex to sign off on your presence in your partner & stepkid’s life kind of seems like the respectful thing to do. I absolutely felt that way myself, like well once Dan’s ex sees all the benefits I can bring to her kid’s life, then she’ll stop being so mad all the dang time. In reality though, I was giving someone else an inappropriate amount of power over my relationship, my family, and my future.My own kid has had stepmoms and I can tell you that a normal person does actually appreciate what an outsider can bring to their child’s life. Having one more person who loves your kid and keeps an eye out for them can only be a good thing. If your partner’s ex doesn’t agree — well, you don’t need them to. 🤷🏻‍♀️ So don’t let the ex rent free space in your head. You & your partner have EVERY RIGHT to be in each other’s lives, to run your relationship and your home as you wish without bending backwards to make sure the ex is happy with all your decisions. And if the ex is unhappy, that is not your problem to solve — nor is it your fault. Their reactions are about themselves, not about you. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Because stepparents start out as outsiders, we have this tendency to kind of hover around on the sidelines, like we’re waiting for someone to give us permission to participate in our new families. Or maybe we want someone to fill us in on the rules of this new game so we don’t piss anybody off. This can happen even for stepparents like myself who aren’t typically the kind of people who worry about rocking the boat.So speaking from personal experience on this, please do not wait around for anyone else’s stamp of approval. Because if you’re hoping that the kids or your partner’s ex are gonna co-sign on you being around, you could be waiting a loooong time. The only two people who determine the future of this relationship are you and your partner. Now, if you’re having trouble getting on the same page as your partner, that’s a pep talk for a different day (this workshop might help: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀 ) — but in the meantime, at the very least try to set aside the stress over gaining your stepkid’s approval… or the approval of anyone else. Focus on getting a solid foundation in place with your partner first, and the rest will fall into place a whole lot easier.One last thing: if you’re enjoying this podcast, I’d really appreciate if you’d leave a review! Reviews not only help me feel like I’m not shouting into the void, they also give us a little algorithm bump, which in turn will help more struggling stepparents find their way here. Thanks so much for listening, I appreciate you! xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)There's a tendency to act like parallel parenting is the shameful option we only resort to because we've failed at co-parenting somehow. But when you're dealing with a high-conflict ex, co-parenting is not possible, because they will never compromise. In fact their inability to compromise is literally the thing that makes them high conflict.So if you've been beating yourself up over your inability to co-parent with a difficult ex... please don’t. Parallel parenting is a perfectly valid approach to raising kids in two different homes. And there’s a lot of freedom to be found in embracing that concept rather than trying to co-parent with someone who isn’t interested in co-parenting back.For help getting out from under the influence of a toxic ex, start by reading our 10 Commandments of high-conflict co-parenting. Or if you want more info on parallel parenting specifically, I have a blog post on that too: ➡️ THE LIFE-CHANGING MAGIC OF PARALLEL PARENTING 👀Dan & I also put together a workshop called the quick-start guide to parallel parenting that’s coming out soon for our paid subscribers over on Substack, so if you’re not a member yet, you should definitely join up: ➡️ JOIN THE COMMUNITY! 🤩 The chat room alone is amazing for helping you feel less alone as you’re trying to figure out all this stuff. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)The rewards of stepparenting can feel way too few and way too far between for this gig to feel “worth it.” The bullshit outnumbers the wins by at least 10 to 1.That’s the thing, though: we can’t think about stepparenting in those terms — just like no one thinks about whether it’d be “worth it” to have their own kids. Because that’s not why we’re doing this. We make the choice to become stepparents not because it's gonna be "worth it," but because we want to. Because we're willing to make that commitment with no guarantee of a net positive outcome.I know firsthand that making that commitment does not mean every day will be sunshine and roses. I had no idea what I was getting into when I started dating someone with kids, even though I already had a kid of my own. But I also know the wins I’ve found along the way have been all the sweeter for their unexpectedness. And I believe that’s gonna be true for you too.That said, if you’re feeling burned out and overwhelmed, the question of “worth it” might actually be more like a question of “can I possibly keep going like this” — in which case, please go read this: ➡️ 17 Coping Tips for Managing Overwhelming Stepparenting Emotions 👀I’ve been where you are and know how much it sucks feeling like you canNOT do this for one more day, let alone the 5 to 7 years it allegedly takes to blend a family. If you’re at the end of your rope, please come join us in Substack! We’ve created a private, troll-free support group full of other stepparents who totally get it, and we’d love to help support you too. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)I talk a lot about how challenging my relationship with my own stepkid has been, but actually our relationship started out pretty decent… before it took a steep nosedive around 6 months in. Followed by more major issues right around the 2-year mark.Turns out this is super common — this exact pattern, timing and all. It’s also common for stepkids to suddenly reject you when you hit a relationship milestone, like getting engaged or moving in together. It’s like once your stepkid realizes you're actually gonna be sticking around, they go all in to push you away.⠀There are many reasons why stepkids reject stepparents, and they’re all valid but I promise that not only is this normal, it’s also usually only temporary. So hang in there and keep breathing. I know everyone says not to take this shit personally and I know that’s easier said than done but I promise it’s not just you. Remember that blending a family takes 5 to 7 years on average — there's plenty of time for those kiddos to come around. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)When you’re in a relationship with someone who has children, by definition that implies that you’ve agreed to help parent those kids. Let me just say that again: you’ve agreed to help parent. Which implies that your partner should already be parenting their kids.Stepparents: you can't parent your stepkids unless your partner is willing to actively support you in a parenting role. Nor can you parent your stepkids more than your partner is willing to do themselves. Not if you want to stay sane, that is.⠀⠀⠀⠀If you’re pulling your hair out over a partner who isn’t parenting and your house feels way too close to Lord of the Flies for your personal comfort level, please please please go read this: ➡️ THE DISENGAGING ESSAY 👀Because there’s a HUGE DIFFERENCE between helping parent someone else's kids vs taking all the parenting responsibilities upon yourself while your partner continues not parenting. Cross that line and you'll find yourself in burnout territory mighty quick. xo⠀⠀⠀-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)It’s important to remember that the whole reason that you’re putting up with all this bullshit as a stepparent is because you really really really love your partner.So it’s also important to make sure that relationship is healthy, supportive, and worth it.Look, we can't do any of this without our partners' help. We can't. I hear so many stories every single day about partners who let their kids treat their stepparents like absolute garbage, not even expecting the kids to show the same degree of basic respect that they'd have to show a teacher, a coach, or any other adult in their life.And you know what, THAT IS NOT OKAY. This goes way beyond the stepparenting/blended family dynamic and into what makes a healthy relationship. ALL of us deserve partners who support us. Who don't dismiss us as being crazy, needy, or complainers when we say we're struggling and need help.Now granted sometimes that happens because our partners — like us — are uninformed about what’s considered normal in stepfamily dynamics. And I know finding resources that apply to both partners in a stepcouple is damn near impossible, which is why Dan & I put this guide together: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀This resources is free for our paid subscribers on Substack, but you can also access it during a free trial if memberships aren’t your jam. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)In a high-conflict step parenting situation, the natural process of blending your family gets set back over and over again with each battle between households.So if you’re blaming yourself for this whole blending thing being a hell of a lot harder than you anticipated, please knock that off right now.Stepfamily experts say that blending a family takes 5 to 7 years on average. But when there’s high conflict, that number jumps up to 10+ years. I know that's a bleak statistic, but I promise I’m actually sharing it to give you hope. Because if you’re anything like me, sitting out there wondering whyyy blending your family feels like such an uphill battle… well, this could be why.Stepparenting in high conflict is different. It’s harder, more exhausting, and more heartbreaking, and the usual advice does not apply. Which is why I have a more in-depth workshop to help you understand why that is and what you can do to counteract the toxic influence of your partner’s ex: ➡️ High Conflict Stepparenting: Blending Under Pressure 👀This workshop is free for our paid subscribers on Substack, but you can also sign up for a free trial and watch it that way. Plus, you’ll get access to our private support group and you can ask me & Dan personally for advice on your particular situation if you’d like. We’d love to have you. xo➡️ JOIN THE COMMUNITY! 🤩-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)It’s really common for us to judge our stepparenting performance based on one single metric: whether our stepkids like us. But believe me when I say it’s a huge mistake to base your self-worth on your stepkid’s approval.Honestly, most stepkids are standoffish with their stepparents, especially at first. There’s a lot of reasons for this — read this blog post for a whole list: ➡️ WHY DOES MY STEPKID HATE ME? 6 REASONS WHY STEPKIDS REJECT STEPPARENTS 👀 — and all of them are totally normal. Good news though: your stepkid doesn't have to be nuts about you for you to still be a great stepparent and become a positive influence in their life... eventually.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Until that day arrives, keep taking deep breaths as needed, and keep reminding yourself that you're an awesome person who had no idea what they were signing on for and you're doing your best. Then give yourself permission to relax, be yourself, and quit going overboard trying to win everyone else over. The sooner your stepkids gets to know the real you, the sooner you’ll all feel more comfortable in your blended family.For more help busting misconceptions around stepparenting, please go read our Stepparenting Survival Guide. It’s the down and dirty super quick summary of all the things I wish I’d known back when I was a new stepparent.-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)If you haven’t heard of Bill Eddy, he’s basically the king of kicking high conflict’s ass. And he’s got a fantastically simple tip to greatly minimize communication problems with difficult people called the BIFF response:B = BRIEF: Keep your reply short, and preferably in writing.I = INFORMATIVE: Respond with relevant facts, not emotions. Don’t waste time defending or explaining yourself; a high-conflict person will just cherry-pick new arguments.F = FRIENDLY: Don’t go overboard with this one but do take the time to begin and end communications in polite, neutral manner.F = FIRM: Don’t participate in additional drama. If the ex’s temper flares up, calmly (and firmly!) end the conversation.Bill Eddy has a great example of using the BIFF response on his website that’s gold for anyone who’s gotten stuck arguing in circles with a difficult narcissist. The BIFF response is also perfect when used in combination with our 10 Commandments for high-conflict co-parenting.If you’re finding these little tips and pep talks helpful, I’d love it if you’d take a couple minutes to leave a review! Every review gives us a little algorithm bump, which will hopefully help more folks find us. And helping more struggling stepparents is definitely our goal. Thanks so much and I’ll catch you back here tomorrow. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Today’s pep talk is really just a list of reminders. Starting with the reminder that there’s no Stepparent of the Year award, so let's please stop destroying ourselves trying to achieve some gold standard that doesn't even exist.It’s okay for stepparents to say no sometimes. Or even a lot of the time.It’s okay to take time for yourself when you need to recharge. Yep, even if you’re a full-time stepparent. And if you’re a part-time stepparent, please remember you don’t need to spend every minute of your stepkid’s time with you planning or participating in Family Bonding Activities just because your time together is limited.It’s also okay for you to decline to participate in drama and let your partner handle their ex on their own. You’re allowed to let the people around you experience the natural consequences of their actions or inactions. Speaking from my personal experience, you might find that taking yourself out of the middle improves stepfamily life a whole lot faster.And today’s final reminder? Taking care of yourself IS NOT SELFISH; it's critical. An exhausted, resentful, burned-out version of you can't be any kind of a good stepparent... or a good parent, or a good partner. You deserve to feel like your best self, and being a stepparent does not change that.If you need help redefining the stepparenting role in a way that works better for real life and isn’t based on completely unrealistic expectations, please watch this workshop. It’s free for our paid subscribers on Substack but you can also sign up for a free trial and watch it that way. I really hope it helps.One last thing: if you’re enjoying this podcast, I’d really appreciate if you’d leave a review! It’s basically like giving the algorithm a cookie, which in turn will help more struggling stepparents find their way here. And the more people we can help, the better. Thanks so much for listening, I really appreciate you being here. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)A huge challenge in defining your role as a stepparent is trying to figure out when that role actually begins. When you become a parent, there's a clear before-and-after sequence. One day there wasn't a kid around. The next day, BAM. You're a parent. Even adoptive parents and foster parents experience this. As a stepparent, not so much. Becoming a stepparent is the opposite of a clear sequence. No one says "I'm now a stepparent!" after they've been on a couple dates with someone who has kids. I never called myself a stepmom until after Dan and I got married. Which was ridiculous; if I wasn't a stepparent by then — at 4 years in and living together — what was I?But while there may not be a clear starting point for the moment you become a stepparent, one thing that stepparents and biological parents have in common is this: there is no end point. Your role is always evolving, always growing and changing. You'll always learn more, you'll always find better approaches, you'll have good days and rough days and in-between days.In the meantime, don’t stress too much about defining your relationship or wondering if you’re a “real” stepparent yet. It’s okay not to have those answers right away. And if you want more reassurance about that, go check out my workshop on redefining the stepparenting role. It’s free to paid Substack subscribers, but you can unlock access with a free trial too. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Omg. Your stepkid forgot to pick up their backpack AGAIN? The ex is on yet another rampage about something? Your partner STILL isn't enforcing the household rules you all agreed to?It’s all so rage-inducing some days isn’t it?? Like the progress we made one day gets wiped out the next. We’re continually starting from scratch. And also, doesn’t anyone else care about this? Why does it feel like we’re the only one in the trenches over here?Take a minute with me to just breathe in. And breathe out. In. Out. Okay. And… let that shit GO. With a reminder that we cannot control other people's actions. Which sucks, but it's also reality. So choose your battles wisely, and focus your energy somewhere you can make a difference... like into your own self-care and protecting your own sanity. For help getting started with this, check out our resources on stepparenting recovery & burnout. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)A lot of single parents genuinely don’t realize that they’re doing their kids (and their romantic partners!) a disservice by putting the kids first no matter what. Yes, kids have needs, and obviously it’s a parent’s job to make sure those needs are met.However, your relationship has needs too. And pretending like only the kids’ needs matter is not sustainable. Just like it’d also be unsustainable to neglect your kids by spending all your time and energy on a romantic partner. Finding a balance between those commitments is key. If you feel like you’re in competition with your stepkids for your partner’s attention, that’s a sign your needs aren’t getting met.One of the few things a stepfamily has in common with a traditional family is that the couple-relationship forms the foundation. Bending over backwards for the sake of the kids does not set your stepfamily up for success. This is so important to understand that I have a whole blog post on it: WHY YOUR RELATIONSHIP (NOT THE KIDS) SHOULD COME FIRST IN A STEPFAMILYHopefully you can get your partner to read it too. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)When our partners are stuck on the receiving end of a manipulative, controlling, or narcissistic co-parent hell-bent on destroying their lives, we stepparents are standing right there next to them, right smack in the red zone.Narcissists love pushing buttons. They want conflict and drama because that’s the best way to keep you off balance. Their goal is chaos, because that’s how they achieve complete control.So what’s the best way we can support our partners and our stepkids while also protecting ourselves when we’re facing a high-conflict ex?Don’t give them what they want. Instead, respond like you’re a little ol’ grey rock. Refuse to take their bait and decline to participate in drama. No matter what they throw in your direction, remain neutral. Over time, these emotional vampires will move on to a new food source.I have an entire blog post with more specific tips on how to protect your own mental health when the ex is a nightmare: 4 WAYS STEPPARENTS CAN PROTECT THEIR OWN MENTAL HEALTH IN HIGH CONFLICTDon’t let them get inside your head. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)There’s no way around it: stepfamily life is messier and more complex and far more confusing than life in a traditional family.Based on my personal experience, a person could just about go crazy trying to make a blended family look or act or feel more like a traditional family. But if we’re able to kind of lean into that messiness instead of fighting against it, we can start to appreciate — and heck, maybe even enjoy — the complicated realities of stepfamily life.Like, okay. I used to haaate that we only had my stepkid every other week. How were we ever supposed to feel like a “real” family when we were only together some of the time? Then over time, I started thinking wow, Dan & I get a lot of 1:1 couple time. This would never happen in a traditional family. And I started learning how to get more strategic during our kid-free time — using that break to recharge, to focus on my own kid, to put time & energy into my relationship with Dan.Over time, I started feeling more grounded and settled. Less frazzled by transition days, less hung up on all the elements that made our family different.So yeah, this is messy. But also can be kind of awesome, if we can learn to let some of our preconceptions go. If you need help with this, I put together a free stepparenting survival guide to get you started. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)No one talks about the day-to-day exhaustion of feeling eternally judged and found lacking, of constantly walking on eggshells living in fear that the next thing you say or do could affect the amount of time your stepkid is at your house. This is a very real fear that stepparents in high conflict live with EVERY SINGLE DAY.⠀⠀But the thing about high conflict people is, you can’t make them happy. They’ll never stop being scary or dramatic or reactionary because that’s how they maintain control.So if I could go back in time, here's the advice I'd give myself: LIVE AUTHENTICALLY. And today I’m sharing that advice with you too. Be your best self, fearlessly, every single day, and trust that no family court judge is gonna take a kid away from their parent just because the kid complains that their stepparent asked them to eat their veggies at dinner one too many times.⠀⠀⠀High conflict changes everything, including how you stepparent. Including how your stepkids relate to you and your partner, and how your family blends. Which is another thing I really wish I’d known sooner, and that’s why Dan & I have created a ton of resources specifically for stepfamilies who are dealing with a nightmare ex. Start by reading THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF HIGH-CONFLICT CO-PARENTING. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Today’s episode is for stepparents who are also parents: the more we lose ourselves in the stepparenting role, the more our kids lose us too.We can’t get so wrapped up in the challenges and drama of stepfamily life that our own kids get lost in the shuffle. I have oh so very many regrets about my first decade of stepmotherhood, but the thing I regret the most is losing myself so much in the stepparenting role that my daughter lost me for a while there too.This is a topic that’s far bigger than I can cover in a daily pep talk, and in fact I wrote an entire blog post about it: PROTECTING OUR BIO KIDS FROM STEPFAMILY DRAMAAnyway. You know how on airplanes they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first? Even before you help your kid, you’re supposed to help yourself? They tell you that because they know you are the most likely person to help your kid, therefore you need to make sure to get your oxygen mask on PRONTO.Stepfamily life, especially in high conflict, can feel an awful lot like an airplane going down in flames. So please: do put your own oxygen mask on first.-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Only after I'd been dating Dan for somewhere like 2 or 3 years (flying totally blind and feeling pretty miserable the entire time) did it finally occur to me that maybe there were some kind of stepmom resources I could look into that would help me figure out what I was doing so wrong.I guess I thought stepparenting advice really didn't apply to me since we weren't married. Or maybe I figured, hey, if I'm not married to this guy, I don't have to put in the time or effort to really dig into these problems with his kid or his ex.Maybe I thought that without being married, I shouldn’t really get a say how his actions toward his kid or his ex affected me, so I'd just wait until I was more official or whatever. And then we could have some real conversations about all this.Boy was I wrong.Your relationship as a stepparent starts on Day 1. You’re a factor in your stepkids’ lives as soon as you're part of their parent’s life. This is true even if you haven’t met your stepkids yet. Similarly, if your partner's actions with their kid and/or their ex impact your life, then damn straight you get a vote.Don't think for one single second that just because you started dating someone with kids, you abandon your right to have a voice in your own life and your own relationship. Becoming a blended family is a years-long process, and the sooner you start educating yourself on the typical dynamics of stepfamily life, the better the chance that you can shorten your learning curve.If you’re feeling lost or lonely in the stepworld and wish you could connect with like-minded stepparents, please come join our Substack community! Paid subscribers get access to our chat room, weekly newsletters, and a Q&A with me & Dan every Wednesday. You also get access to all our formerly paid offers, including workshops, ebooks, and longer-form podcast episodes. Best of all, our community is totally private and completely troll-free. We’d love to have you. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Stepparents have the best of intentions. We think we’re supposed to support our partner, help parent their kids, smooth things out between houses… basically make our partner’s lives better, in the interest of becoming a family together. Seems sensible enough, rightSo it can be a REAL FRIGGIN SHOCK if none of our efforts seem to work — or worse, backfire! And then we’re like, well, what are we doing wrong here?? If we were stepparenting the "right" way, then surely stepfamily life would be easier. I’m here to tell you that nope, it’s not you; it’s the situation. Stepfamily dynamics are incredibly complex, and stepparents actually have way less influence over that than we think. Our partner's parenting (or lack thereof), our stepkids' behavior, the ex being difficult... the idea that we can control ANY of these things is a total illusion. So it’s really okay to stop bending yoruself into various pretzel shapes trying to figure out what everyone else wants from you.It’s not until we learn how focus on what we can control (a damn short list, I can tell you) that stepparenting finally starts getting easier. Which is where the idea of disengaging comes in. For more help understanding this concept, start by reading the Disengaging Essay. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Even if you love having your stepkids in the house, the switcheroo from kid-free to kid-full can feel like... a lot. And if you don't love having your stepkids around — well first of all, that's normal, and secondly that means transition days are that much harder for you. (And don't get me started on the complications of transition days when you're co-parenting with a high-conflict ex so your stepkid's visitation time happens to coincide with some fresh new drama. Every. Single. Time.).There is some light at the end of the tunnel though: knowing all of this, you can put together a proactive plan that helps make transition days somewhat less stressful — for you, your partner, AND your stepkids.Maybe start a fun tradition, like always grabbing ice cream on the way home. But also, keep in mind that it’s normal for everyone to have mixed feelings on transition days, so you might want to keep things low-key instead of rolling out the red-carpet treatment, which might feel like too much pressure.On transition days, your stepkid needs adjusting time, decompressing time, and 1-on-1 time with their parent. It’s okay to lay low and give everyone some space instead of diving straight into Super Stepparent mode.For more practical stepparenting tips and suggestions, you might wanna start with our free STEPPARENTING SURVIVAL GUIDE. It’s basically a very condensed version of what I wish I would’ve known back at the beginning of this roller coaster. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Would it be nice if the ex supported you? Of course. But if they don't, that's also okay... because you don't actually need their approval.⠀⠀⠀⠀You don't need the ex to acknowledge the importance of your stepparenting role for your contributions to be valid. You really don't. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Remember that the way the ex acts toward you is more about the story they're telling themselves inside their heads than it is about who you really are as a person or as a stepparent. If the ex has their mind made up to blame you and be negative toward you, there's no different way you can act or different thing you can say or do to win them over.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Don’t ever let the ex’s mind games make you believe that you don’t matter. YOU MATTER. This is a fact, not an opinion. Whether anyone else agrees isn’t relevant — so don’t worry about anyone else. And especially don't waste time stressing about what the ex thinks! Instead, pour all that energy into the new stepfamily you're building together with your partner.If you’re feeling frazzled by the intensity of stepparenting when the ex is high conflict or otherwise difficult, I have a workshop that might help: HIGH CONFLICT STEPPARENTING: BLENDING UNDER PRESSURE. It’s free to our paid Substack subscribers, but you can unlock access during your free trial. Plus you’ll also get to connect with a great community of very supportive stepparents who totally get it, because they’re dealing with this shit too. We’d love to have you join us. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Because stepparents are the new kids on the block, we tend to think that A) anything that goes wrong must be our fault and B) it's all on us to make our blended family work. Nope! Wrong on both counts.It takes ALL the people involved to make a blended family work, but especially the support of your partner. It's not all on you, the stepparent, to "just try harder.”You ABSOLUTELY need your partner's help figuring out your role as a stepparent. The role of the primary parent in a blended family ABSOLUTELY must be an active one, not a passive one.If your partner's putting all the pressure on you & you alone to make your family succeed — or if you’re putting that pressure on yourself — please start educating yourself on stepfamily dynamics. And along the way, hopefully your partner will learn some stuff too.Most importantly, BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE. You're only human, and you can only do so much.If you're struggling as a stepparent, please know you're not alone. 🧡 And if you're looking for some help along the way, here’s our free stepparenting survival guide to get you started. Better yet, join our private Substack community and get connected with a bunch of very cool, very supportive stepparents who totally get it. Plus a bunch of other goodies. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)I expected my stepkid to be a little distant with me at first. What I didn't expect was her extreme and total rejection of me. And not just for a little while — for YEARS.So I’m sharing with you what I wish I would’ve known earlier: that some hesitance from your stepkid is totally normal, but an extreme and disproportionate negative reaction to a new stepparent could be a red flag that there’s something else going on.At first, I figured it was just me. Something I was doing wrong. I tried everything I could think of to overcome her objections toward me and try to connect with her in more positive ways. Nothing worked.It wasn’t until my stepkid also started rejecting her dad did I finally start thinking… I don’t think this shit is normal. And once I learned about the terms “high conflict” and “parental alienation” and learning how those issues affect your ability to bond with your stepkid as well as your ability to blend as a family did the dots finally start connecting: yep, that shit was not normal.Every blended family faces speed bumps along the way. But if you're facing landmines and razor wire barricades instead, you need to start looking outside the typical vanilla blended family advice and start educating yourself about high conflict stepfamily dynamics and how to effectively limit a toxic ex’s ability to damage your blended family.Dan & I have put together a ton of resources on high conflict to help with this, everything from a parenting plan checklist to a high-conflict co-parenting guide. Even a blog on how to protect your own mental health as a stepparent if your partner’s got crappy boundaries.And if you want a little more hands-on support, our Substack community is awesome and helpful and so many of them are going through exactly this kind of crap. We’d love for you to join us. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)You are not obligated to a life of thankless servitude just because you're in a relationship with someone who has kids.FAR too many stepparents find themselves in the position of primary housekeeper, primary scheduler and organizer, even primary parent. All of this is somehow just assumed rather than discussed (let alone agreed-upon), which can leave you, the stepparent, feeling overwhelmed at best and unappreciated & resentful at worst.If that sounds familiar, it’s time for you & your partner to sit down sometime when you’re both calm and talk about what works for you, what exhausts you, and what you'd like your role to be. Keeping in mind that if either you or your partner have unrealistic expectations about your role as a stepparent, then you genuinely can’t succeed. No one can win when the goal itself isn't achievable.⁣So make time to figure out together what works for your relationship with your partner as well as with the kids, the vision you both hold for your stepfamily, and ways you can both contribute to make that happen. Yep, BOTH OF YOU!!.... it's not all on the stepparent to figure out how to blend your family.If you need some help guiding this conversation and think your partner might hear this message better from someone who isn’t you, my husband Dan & I put together a guide to help with that: HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES. This guide is free for our paid Substack subscribers, but even if you’re not a paid subscriber, you can unlock access during a free trial. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Let me just start by saying it’s totally, totally normal to feel some jealousy about your partner’s ex. Even though, if you’re anything like me, all of that feels sooo very 8th grade. I promise it’s not just you. In fact it’s so common, I included jealousy as one of the 7 stages of becoming a stepparent.Anyway, here’s the thing. Your partner's relationship with you is NOT the same as what they had with their ex... and that's a good thing! Even though your partner had kids with someone else, they've chosen YOU to help them raise those kids. No matter how many significant life events your partner shared with the ex, all future life events will be shared with YOU.And your future together is just as important & carries just as much weight as what's happened in the past. It's just harder to see because you haven't lived it yet.But you will. And with time, the ex will become less and less important in your partner’s life and memories as the actual life and actual relationship they’re living with you become more and more important. So hang in there. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Letting “blending” become our sole life’s purpose doesn’t serve anyone, especially ourselves. Continuing to push down and push through our mixed feelings and stress and frustration and uncertainty is a sure recipe for burnout.Stepparenting is part of who you are; it’s not everything you are. And you cannot put your own needs and dreams and self-care on hold indefinitely while you’re waiting for your family to blend.So today’s pep talk is to remind you: if you need a break, take a break. It’s okay to take a step back. It’s okay to say "Know what? Not today!" and give yourself the day off.Stepparenting is one of the many roles we play in any given day. But you are so much more than just a stepparent. Try not to forget that. xoOh and PS — if you’re feeling a little lonely in this gig and wish you could connect with like-minded stepparents, please come join our Substack community! Paid subscribers get access to our chat room, weekly newsletters, and a Q&A with me & Dan every Wednesday. You also get access to all our formerly paid offers, including workshops, ebooks, and longer-form podcast episodes. Best of all, our community is totally private and completely troll-free. We’d love to have you. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)The stigma against stepparents is so real and so deeply engrained in our society, it’s practically palpable. If you dare to admit you think stepparenting is hard — boy will someone launch a witch hunt against you.But saying stepparenting is hard is just a fact. Just like saying any type of parenting is hard. It doesn't mean we're bad stepparents or that we hate our stepkids. Saying we need a break sometimes, expressing concern (or even frustration!) over our stepkids' attitudes, table manners, grades, and emotional/mental/physical health… none of that means we’re bad stepparents or hate our stepkids.Just because we chose this role does not mean we're not allowed to have mixed feelings and express those mixed feelings. Kinda like how parents chose to be parents yet are allowed to vent whenever they want without getting accused of being bad parents who hate their kids.Oh and in case you wondered, stepparents also allowed to screw up and make mistakes, just like regular parents. This might sound crazy but… it’s almost as if we’re all imperfect humans doing the best we can.And don’t let anyone guilt-trip you into believing otherwise. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)If you're dealing with parental alienation and the idea of a light at the end of the tunnel feels like an impossible dream, don't give up! No matter how hard everything is right now, your family will keep evolving and changing. What you're living right now isn't necessarily your forever.Alienated kids deeply want their targeted parent to see through their act and keep trying, keep right on loving them just the same… even as they insist that’s the opposite of what they want and continue pushing you away.Just because you can’t see any positive results right now doesn’t mean your efforts to keep connecting with your alienated kid or stepkid are wasted.Things with my stepkid started out with high conflict and evolved into full-on parental alienation. Our relationship with her was already challenging, but things got SO MUCH WORSE than I ever could've imagined.But you know what, eventually we came out okay on the other side... even if reaching the other side took a decade. We have our rocky past and there are many wounds that are still healing. But there's genuine love there, too. And love always wins out over hate. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Stepfamily life, even at its happiest and simplest, is still far more complex than a first family.It's easy to compare a blended family with a traditional family and think crap, this looks reallllly different. We must be failing. But we're not. Different is not "lesser than"— it's just different.Constantly wishing things were easier and less complicated in our blended families doesn’t make them easier or less complicated. And fixating on that kind of wishful thinking keeps us stuck. Keeps us from appreciating our family how we are, not as we wish we were. And our stepfam as we are might be messy, but it’s also kind of awesome in its messiness.Maybe that sounds overly optimistic, but… okay, I mean, how cool is it that we piled a bunch of complete strangers together and made a family? It's DAMN COOL, you guys! Even when that definition of "family" doesn't quite line up with what I always imagined in my head.Appreciate what is. Practice acceptance. And you'll find your own pocket of awesome somewhere in all that complicated messy stepfamily dynamic.-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)The ex only has as much power as we’re willing to give them.Like the Wizard of Oz, a high-conflict ex is actually just a scared little person behind a curtain who uses lots of smoke and mirrors to intimidate us.Once we stop buying into the story that the ex is all-powerful and in charge of everything, we can create better boundaries, reclaim our own power, and restore sanity within ourselves and our households.Don’t let a high-conflict ex talk you out of your right to parent, or your right to create firm boundaries that protect yourself and your blended family from yet more drama.Typical co-parenting rules don’t apply when the ex is high conflict. For a more effective approach, go read our 10 Commandments of high-conflict co-parenting. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)It’s ironic that stepparents are so often accused of not loving our stepkids like our own. In my experience, having talked to thousands of stepparents over the years, it’s far more common for us to care too much about our stepkids. Sometimes even to our own detriment.If our stepkids don’t seem to like us, we keep trying and trying and trying to win them over. If we see that they’re struggling without structure and guidance, we come in with rules and boundaries in an attempt to help. Yet no matter how good our intentions may be, our stepkids just might not be ready for a relationship with us right now. They might not want anything to do with what we’re bringing to the table. In which case, it’s actually okay to step back a little.Or as we call it here in the stepparent-sphere: disengage. Disengaging is more about letting go of your own expectations for how you wish your stepkid would act than it is not caring about your stepkids. And taking that step back can also be a solution to our own burnout as stepparents.Disengaging is the natural counterbalance to realizing we have over-engaged. Not because we don’t care about our stepkids, but because we start to wonder if maybe we can best serve our stepkids' interests in a completely different way than we originally envisioned. It’s not ending your relationship with your stepkids — it’s the start of a different way to relate to your stepkid.To learn how you taking a step back might actually help your stepfamily, start by reading the Disengaging Essay.-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)There's no set standard for blended families — stepfamilies are very different from each other due to hugely varying factors like visitation schedules, the kids’ ages, how many kids, whether both partners have kids, how the in-laws handle the new partner, how the ex factors in, etc.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Step 1 in blending a family is for you and your partner to work on relaxing your definitions about how you believe blended family life "should" look... including what a stepparent's role "should" be. We mistakenly base our goal for stepfamily life on traditional family dynamics, when those dynamics don't apply to most blended families.⠀⠀What works for you might not work for the next parent/stepparent, and your blended family life might look nothing like the life of another blended family. And that’s okay! We’re all trailblazers here.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Don’t fall into the trap of comparing yourself to other stepparents or parents or blended families... and especially don’t compare yourself to a traditional family.Instead, try to embrace the chaotic awesomeness that's your life now and know that messy is normal in a stepfamily. And honestly, messy can be pretty fun once you learn to go with it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)I know that we stepparents, as outsiders, can see all kinds of parenting gaps in the lives of our stepkids. And we can also see all the special gifts our stepkids have... special gifts that are getting lost or destroyed in those parenting gaps.⠀⠀Because we view ourselves as responsible adults, we think it's our job to step in and help make things better. After all, we want our stepkids to grow into the best possible versions of themselves, right? So we volunteer to help take over parenting duties our partner has missed or forgotten or doesn't think are important. Little things, like enforcing table manners or bedtimes.We think this shouldn't be a big deal. We think we're helping. Except for one tiny little thing: it IS a big deal to our stepkids. They don't understand our efforts come from a place of love — they think we're just being critical. And what started out as our very best intentions can end up backfiring.But maybe it’s not our job to “fix” our stepkids in the first place. Figuring out our role as stepparents is a process, and what ends up working best might look very verrrry different than we expected.If you’re a stepparent who’s wrestling with parenting vs not parenting your stepkid, go read the Disengaging Essay. It’s no exaggeration to say that essay literally changed my life, including changing how I viewed my role as a stepparent. I’ll link it right in the show notes.-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)All unrealistic expectations to the contrary, the truth is… you probably aren't gonna love your stepkid out of the gate. Which is totally okay — they're probably not gonna be your biggest fans on Day 1 either, which is also totally okay. All that matters is your willingness to keep showing up and doing your best. And by that, I don't mean kill yourself trying, either. Give 'em space when they need space, and give yourself space too.Blending a family takes 5 to 7 years on average, which means you & your stepkid getting used to each other can (and probably will) take LITERALLY YEARS. Now, that might feel like a daunting number, but an optimist might say what it really means is that you’ve got plenty of time to figure out your relationship.Expecting love at first sight with your stepkid is just as unlikely as expecting it from a romantic partner. So along the way, take lots of deep breaths, take plenty of breaks, and keep pacing yourself. You’ve got this. xoFor a deeper understanding of what the process of feeling comfortable in your role and how your relationship with your stepkid might continue evolving, this is a good place to start: ➡️ THE 7 STAGES OF BECOMING A STEPPARENT 👀-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)The experts say that blending a family takes 5 to 7 years on average, but add some high conflict to the mix and that number jumps up to 10+ years.I know that's a bleak statistic, but I'm actually sharing this info to give you hope in case you’ve been wondering why all of this feels soooo friggin hard — like every day is a brand new 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. You’re probably not imagining it.So I wanted to let you know: it’s not just you. It’s the situation. When the ex is high conflict, the natural process of blending your family can feel like it gets set back over and over again with each new battle between households.All of this can change when your partner has solid boundaries with the ex, which can help minimize the fallout. But even if your partner is not great at that (mine definitely wasn’t), you are not powerless in all this. Here’s a blog to help: ➡️ 4 WAYS STEPPARENTS CAN PROTECT THEIR OWN MENTAL HEALTH IN HIGH CONFLICT 👀-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Your partner needs to serve as the connection between you and your stepkid. If they’re not acting as a bridge, then you can find yourself standing on the wrong side of the chasm.You can't stand alone as a stepparent; it's not all on you to "just try harder" with your stepkid. The entire success or failure of your blended family does NOT land entirely on you!⠀⠀Stepparenting is an ecosystem, not an island. You absolutely need your partner's help figuring out your place in this new family you're creating together. The role of the primary parent in a blended family has to be an active one, not a passive one. If you're struggling to connect with your stepkids and your partner just doesn't get it, my husband Dan & I put together a guide to help with that: ➡️ How to Actually Blend: The Missing Instruction Manual for Stepcouples. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Your partner’s ex doesn’t get to dictate what happens at your house. No matter how big and scary they come across, no matter how convinced they are that they’re in the right and you’re in the wrong.If the custody order doesn’t give them a say in your day-to-day life, guess what: they do not get a say in your day-to-day life. Healthy co-parenting works like a business partnership: the co-parents are equal partners in the business of raising a kid together. Neither one gets to call all the shots.Just like co-workers, co-parents coordinate together on goals and deadlines as needed, but the specifics of how each department is run should be left entirely up to its respective department head.In other words: your house, your rules. Their house, their rules.⠀Need more specific help managing a difficult relationship with a high-conflict ex? Start with our 10 Commandments of High Conflict Co-Parenting. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)What we think makes us good stepparents and what actually makes us good stepparents are sometimes exact opposite things.We come into this gig with our own ideas about what being a good stepparent "should" look like: active, involved, hands-on parenting. And then we go so overboard trying to prove that we're not evil or wicked that we end up over-engaging in a way that burns us out.Then we're also faced with all the outside opinions from our partners, friends, family, or even the ex about how they think we "should" be acting for us to be considered good stepparents. And those opinions are often at odds with the reality of stepparenting too, or they're just not realistic for our actual lives.Common example: we think we need to parent our stepkids to be good stepparents. Our stepkids typically don't like this, and our partners then accuse us of being too hard on their kids. Wait, how are we supposed to show we care if we're not parenting?? The answer: let go of that first preconception that we must parent in order to be good stepparents.Look, this is a confusing gig, and there's no right answer that works for every stepfamily. Some stepkids are thrilled to have a new stepparent enter the picture. Some think their new stepparent is THE WOOOOORST. Most stepkids have mixed feelings.What's the answer? BE YOURSELF.Don't stress so much about whether the stepkids like you (they'll probably come around) or what outsiders think about your role (their opinion doesn't matter anyway).Just be yourself, stop giving yourself empty, and create your own version of the stepparenting role that works best for you, your relationship, and your stepfamily... in that order.Not sure how to get started? Here’s our free stepparenting survival guide. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Hello!If we haven’t met before, my name is Maarit. I’m a former single mom turned stepmom, and the voice behind Blended Family Frappé, together with my husband Dan. Who will probably pop in on this podcast from time to time, as he likes to do.If you know anything about our work, then you know we are ALL ABOUT the deep dive, the research, the in-depth support. And there are a ton of great blended family podcasts that offer exactly that. But I also know that so many times as a stepparent, I just wouldn’t have had the time, or the privacy, the energy, or quite frankly the emotional bandwidth for a deeper dive. And on those days, what would’ve helped me the most is just a quick pep talk. Just… a reminder that I wasn’t alone. That I wasn’t the crazy one. That all this is temporary and everything’s gonna be okay.So I decided to start a podcast for other stepparents who might be feeling the same way. Pop in anytime you’ve got a few minutes and just need a little bit of reassurance. We’ll be here for you. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe