Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents

Society really doesn’t like stepparents, so coming into this role can feel intimidating. Or like we have something to prove, like we are NOT like those bad stepparents. We’re the GOOD stepparents. But do not let society or the ex or even your partner try to marginalize you or the stepparenting role.Our role as stepparents is critical. We contribute to our families-by-choice in positive and vital ways. And unfortunately, it falls on us to educate all the haters out there about it.So let's learn to collectively laugh our asses off at the people who tell us we're overstepping when we do TOTALLY NORMAL STEPPARENTING THINGS like helping with homework or showing up at our stepkid’s soccer game.Let's all roll our eyes at the idiots who say we're mean, wicked, or coming down too hard when we give our stepkids the SAME RULES we'd give our own kids.Above all, let's stop second-guessing ourselves about all this, and just be ourselves. Fully, completely, and unapologetically.If you’re looking for a place where you’ll supported as a stepparent instead of judged, please come join our Substack community. The chat room is super helpful, you’ll get access to a ton of in-depth resources, and you can ask me and Dan anything during our weekly Q&A sessions. We’d love to have you. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

My stepkid had a real thing for ketchup when she was younger, borderline addiction. I’m talking, putting-ketchup-on-lasagna level of ketchup. She also had problems with acid stomach and wasn’t supposed to be eating too much tomato-based things.Dan sometimes remembered to limit her ketchup intake, but mostly not. The inconsistency drove me crazy, so I took on ketchup rule enforcement myself. Because that’s what a responsible stepparent would do right?Omg you guys. We had so many fights over ketchup. The ketchup thing caused drama and frustration constantly. And I’d tell myself, this is exactly the kind of thing that makes my stepkid hate me and hate coming to our house. But I couldn’t let go of trying to get her to eat less ketchup.It wasn’t until years later that I realized, the ketchup was one of the seemingly small, simple things I thought I could control. Meanwhile we had real problems like my stepkid petitioning the court to spend less time with us because her mom was brainwashing her. So when faced with big, scary, overwhelming issues I didn’t have the first idea how to handle it was a whole lot easier to focus on ketchup.The thing is, ketchup was one of the small, simple things my stepkid could control too. Because she too was faced with big, scary, overwhelming problems she had no idea how to handle. So in hindsight, I wish I would’ve just let her eat herself sick on ketchup if that’s what she needed to feel better about her world.Sometimes it makes sense to pick your battles and let the small stuff go. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Becoming a stepparent does not negate the needs and feelings we have as individuals. And yet, so many of our partners seem to think we shouldn’t have those needs or feelings… or at least that we should be perfectly content putting ourselves and our relationship needs dead last, apparently forever.This is not sustainable.Relationships need time and attention, and so do we as individuals. Yes, the kids are important — but so are you, and so is your romantic relationship, and so is this future you’re trying to create together. You can’t build a life (or a blended family) out of leftovers.A partner who continues bending over backwards to make their kids and/or their ex happy while continually sliding you to the back burner is a partner who’s making choices that are aligned with the former family rather than your new stepfamily.Your relationship is the foundation of your blended family and can’t be treated like an afterthought if it’s going to survive. Understanding this is so important I have an entire blog post on it: ➡️ WHY YOUR RELATIONSHIP (NOT THE KIDS) SHOULD COME FIRST IN A STEPFAMILY 👀You are your own person with needs outside of being a stepparent, and you are completely, totally, 100% allowed to express those needs. You also deserve to have those needs met. And being a stepparent does not change that.--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Since most of us have never been stepparents before, learning to recognize what's typical for life in a stepfamily vs. what's a red flag is a bit of a learning curve.For example, it’s normal for your stepkids to act out because they're kids and life in two homes is tough and they don’t like a stepparent’s rules. It’s even normal for your stepkids to not want you around whatsoever. But it’s a red flag if your stepkid is acting out because your partner’s ex is actively turning them against you.Or to take another example, last-minute schedule changes between houses is frustrating for sure, but there’s a big difference between a last-minute scramble due to life being a normal level of messy and unpredictable compared to reluctantly agreeing to schedule changes cause the ex is bullying you or your partner, or they’re withholding visitation.Either way, blending your family will take time and a lot of education and re-education: for yourself, your partner, and your stepkids. And through the process of learning what normal stepfamily dynamics look like, you’ll also learn what’s not typical. Which is equally important, because if the ex is high conflict, that really changes the way you need to approach blending.Here’s a great place to start: ➡️ HELP FOR HIGH CONFLICT 👀--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

If you think your blended family will never feel like a "real" family, first of all you’re not alone. But secondly, don’t give up!It’s officially autumn here in the northern hemisphere right now, the air is getting colder and the world is getting quieter as the birds head south and critters start hibernating.Fall is not a time for planting new things, with one exception: bulbs, like tulips and irises. And it’s such a metaphor for blending a family, because you’re taking this dead-looking nubbly brown thing and sinking it down in the dirt right when your garden is looking its most pitiful — all the green of summer is gone and the fall colors haven't come in yet. You plant your bulb, then a month or so later, the first frost will come, followed by snow and the long deep freeze.No gardener spends the winter glaring at where they planted that bulb like "Why isn't this thing a damn tulip yet?" They know the bulb needs time. They know that bulb doing its thing the only way a bulb knows how, and it’s gonna throw out green shoots and fancy flowers when the time is right. But that time is not right now.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I know I’ve said this a million times throughout these pep talks, but I’m gonna say it again: Be patient. Have faith. Blending a family takes 5 to 7 years on average — ON AVERAGE — and 10+ in high-conflict situations.So if you're a year or two in, or even like 4-5 years in and your family still isn't really gelling and you're feeling hopeless, I promise that’s super normal. Keep breathing. Remind yourself that not everyone in a stepfamily blends at the same pace, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never get there. Becoming a tulip takes time!Something that would’ve been really helpful for me is understanding more about the process of blending. Like okay sure it takes 5 to 7 years, but what’s happening during those 5 to 7 years? If you feel the same way, you should go read this: ➡️ The 3 phases (& 7 stages) of blending your family 👀⠀⠀⠀⠀--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Parental alienation affects your stepkid’s ability to form loving bonds… including bonding with their stepparent.Alienated kids can develop a specific set of characteristics that also make them hard to warm up to... like acting cold, rejecting you & your partner, lying between houses, and many more than I could share in a short daily podcast.So if you're beating yourself up for struggling to love your alienated stepkid the way you think you should — please stop! Alienated kids make themselves unlovable on purpose so they can reinforce the narrative they're telling themselves: that you don't like them, the targeted parent doesn't really love them, they're unhappy at your home, you're bad parents, and so on. They’re pushing you away ON PURPOSE.If you've experienced alienation as a stepparent, please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I've got an entire resource guide on parental alienation right here that I really encourage you to read. The best defense against parental alienation begins with education & documentation, but love and not giving up are pretty damn important too. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Update: We switched hosting providers so we can’t do the texting thing anymore but do feel free to drop us a DM on Substack! xoStepparents, if you're feeling stressed out and frazzled, please know that you're allowed to TAKE. A STEP. BACK. Burning yourself out only makes it that much harder to stay grounded and sane. Two things you kinda sorta really need if you wanna to keep your head above water while you're blending your family!We live in a culture that glorifies pushing ahead at all costs, ignoring our own needs in an effort to “succeed,” and pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps. None of this is sustainable in a blended family, which really needs to be treated more like training for a marathon: you’ve got to pace yourself.A burned-out stepparent isn’t doing their family (or themselves!) any favors. Take a break if you need one, folks. And if you need support along the way, we have an awesome community over on Substack for our paid subscribers, along with a ton of resources to help make this stepparenting thing as painless as possible. Or at least, to help you survive with most of your sanity intact. We’d love to have you. xo➡️ JOIN THE COMMUNITY! 🤩--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Update: We switched hosting providers so we can’t do the texting thing anymore but do feel free to drop us a DM on Substack! xoFor inexplicable reasons, many of the people around stepparents seem to think that we shouldn’t feel stressed or overwhelmed by this role just because we chose this — because we knew our partners had kids.When a person feels stressed about starting a new job, no one says "Well, you applied for this position. YOU knew what you were getting into." We give them sympathy, encourage them along the way, and support them as they face those learning curves.What if we supported stepparents the same way? Because sure, I knew Dan had a kid when we got together. But did that make me automagically prepared for every challenge stepparenting would bring? OF COURSE NOT.When people become parents, we say things like “Let me know if you need anything! You must be exhausted! Here’s a casserole!” (Or rather, a hotdish, if you’re from Minnesota like I am.) But when people become stepparents, we get judgement and lectures. And because most of us already feel guilty about not loving this role, we internalize that shit and think maybe we’re just not cut out for this.Finding more support as stepparents begins with with us. I mean, let’s just start by judging ourselves less, you know?And then, let’s gently educate the folks around us: knowing our partners had kids already and knowing what we were getting into are two different things. Stepparents could use a whole lot more support and a whole lot less judgement.Reminder: if you’re looking for more support yourself, you should come join our private Substack community. I’m for sure biased, but I think it’s the best stepparenting support group I’ve ever had the privilege to be part of. We’d love to have you. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Again and again and again I'd try to win my stepkid over. I followed all the usual stepparenting advice: show an interest in their interests, take it slow, try not to take their rejection personally.And nada. Zilch. Nothing.I started getting desperate. I thought I could get her to like me if I acted differently. So I acted differently. Which didn't work. So then I acted a different differently. Still nothing.I started dreading visitation weeks because I knew that meant I’d be second-guessing every single thing I said, every conversation taking place on eggshells. I felt awkward and inhibited around my stepkid. I’d bite my tongue all day, then at night lie awake replaying every mistake I made and wondering how I could fix it the next day.No matter what I tried, my stepdaughter kept rejecting me, and every rejection chipped more of my self-esteem into sawdust. Because of a 10yo kid, my friends. 🤦🏻‍♀️So, a few lessons from this I’d love to pass along and hopefully save you from a similar level of burnout:That stepparenting advice tends to gloss over the part about how it can take years for you and your stepkid to feel comfortable around each other.Typical stepparenting advice doesn’t apply when the ex is high conflict, because those dynamics can seriously mess up the normal blending process.Your stepkid not liking you really isn’t personal, and them rejecting you typically means they’re not ready for a relationship with you yet — and that’s because of what they’re going through, not because of you. Even if you were Mary Poppins, your stepkid would probably find some reason not to like you if they’re determined enough.In other words, you can probably stop walking on eggshells and go back to being yourself. Go ahead and give your stepkid some space, and give yourself some space too. You’ll both feel better for it. Remember, it takes 5 to 7 years to blend a family. You’ve got all the time in the world to figure out the stepparent-stepkid relationship.In the meantime, this blog might help: ➡️ Why does my stepkid hate me? 6 reasons why stepkids reject stepparents 👀--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

It shouldn’t be a newsflash to say kids of divorce still need parenting… AND YET, that is the topic of today’s pep talk.A child's parents not being together anymore does not negate the reality that kids need structure. They need a regular routine. They need guidance from the adults around them. All of this helps kids feel safe and secure.However, many single parents feel guilty about giving their kids rules, or correcting poor behavior. They think they’re doing their kids a favor — giving them a break, taking it easy on them.Except, when kids are living in a world without structure, routine, or age-appropriate expectations, they're actually likely to feel MORE stressed, not LESS stressed. Kids feel reassured by predictability; without knowing what to expect, they start worrying that no one's really in charge.How do we reassure them? By parenting them. This is the gift we can give them to help them grow into responsible, grounded, self-confident adults.If your partner is on the permissive parent train and doesn’t understand this, Dan & I are happy to be the ones who deliver that message. Sometimes it’s easier for our partners to hear this from an outsider instead of from us, the stepparents. So grab your partner and go check out our guide: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀 We talk about a lot of essentials for blending a family, including why kids need parenting. We really hope it helps! xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

It's human nature to want to defend yourself against false accusations, fight for equality and justice, and right the wrongs you see. It's also human nature to think to yourself "If I can just show them that I'm not the bad guy" and believe that'll somehow fix everything.But you don’t have to prove yourself to the ex (or anyone else, for that matter) for your role to be valid and your contributions as a stepparent to matter.The ex’s emotional reaction to your presence in your stepkid’s life is not your responsibility to manage. You have every right to take up space in your own life, and in this family you’re trying to build together with your partner. Don’t let a volatile ex’s tantrums convince you otherwise.That said, if your partner’s ex is high conflict, their dysfunction and drama can have a major impact on your family’s ability to blend, as well as your ability to connect with your stepkids. If you need help navigating this, please go check out my workshop on stepparenting in high conflict. It’s included with your subscription if you’re part of our paid Substack community, but if you want to sign up for a free trial to just check us out, that workshop along with all our other in-depth resources are all accessible during that week or month or however long your free trial runs. We’d love to have you. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Stepparenting in a nutshell reads like one long list of confusing contradictions. You’re supposed to be involved, but not so much so you’re overstepping. You need to give your stepkids space, but not so much that it seems like you don’t care. You need to be realistic about the role you’re taking on as a stepparent, yet optimistic enough to keep on truckin’ when the road gets dicey.And along the way, you’ll also feel powerless over the crap you can't change — which is pretty much everything. You'll feel like your partner's kids don't want you around — and you might be right. You'll feel compelled to defend your choices to everyone from your mom to your partner's ex to strangers on the street. ("They're just my boyfriend's kids, I swear! I had nothing to do with their upbringing!")In short, as a stepparent, you’re accomplishing impossible, superhuman feats on the daily, and just about every decision you make feels counterintuitive and upside-down. So don't beat yourself up too much for thinking this shit is hard. It feels hard because it's hard.If you’d love to shorten your learning curve a little, go read my free stepparenting survival guide. It’s a great place to start getting clear about this oftentimes mystifying role. And if you’d love some extra support along the way, please come join our Substack community! We have a private chatroom where you can connect with other stepparents who get it, along with a ton of resources to help get you sorted. We’d love to have you. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Let me know if this cycle sounds familiar: The ex makes a unilateral co-parenting decision >> that decision interferes with your parenting time or otherwise conflicts with your morals, ethics, and values >> they know this and move ahead anyway >> you decide enough is enough and say you're not going along with it >> then THEY accuse YOU of putting the kids in the middle.If this sounds wayyy too familiar, please listen when I say: co-parenting takes two, but keeping a kid in the middle only takes one. Sticking to your boundaries does NOT put your kids in the middle; if you're co-parenting with a high conflict ex, your kids are ALREADY in the middle.The best way to protect your kids and stepkids from high conflict is by holding firm to your boundaries, not bending over backwards more. For help understanding the “why” behind this, please go read ➡️ THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF HIGH-CONFLICT CO-PARENTING 👀--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

When we've become way too used to compromising our own values, beginning to say no sometimes can feel selfish. Boundaries and self-care can feel selfish.Prioritizing our mental health isn’t selfish, though; it’s us returning to ourselves after way too much time spent erasing our voice in an attempt to keep the peace — at home and between houses — taking care of everyone except ourselves.This stepfamily and this future you’re trying to build? It doesn’t work without you. And to survive within your blended family, you cannot continually carve bits of yourself away to try and fit better. You cannot continually deny yourself the care and support you need and deserve to function.Today, try to elbow some time out for yourself. Listen to your inner voice and give yourself what you need for a change. As the saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Has anyone else noticed that way too many stepparenting resources act like stepparents are child-hating morons who have never interacted with a single kid in our lives? I remember reading books that seriously said shit like "Listen, you're dating someone with a kid, so you might have to get used to Friday night soccer games instead of candlelit dinners." And I was like... ummm YES OBVIOUSLY. 🤦🏻‍♀️There seems to be some unspoken assumption that if a stepparent & stepkid don't get along or if we think stepparenting is hard, it's gotta be because the stepparent doesn't get kids, isn't used to kids, or doesn't like kids. Turns out those aren’t necessarily related. Like… at all.Speaking as a total kid person, I can tell you that even when you're a total kid person, stepparenting can be really really really challenging, for MANY reasons. If you like kids, then yes, you have one less hurdle to overcome. But one less hurdle out of a bajillion or so isn't a huge head start.You and your stepkids learning to like each other is a years-long process, and there are no shortcuts to make it happen faster... not even when you're already a kid person. You just gotta hang in there and put in the time. If you need some help along the way, go read my stepparenting survival guide for a little cheat sheet, or come join our support community in Substack. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Every parent needs a break from parenting once in a while, and that includes stepparents.Typically, society doesn’t accuse parents who need a break of hating their kids. Yet society loves to imply there’s something wrong with a stepparent who needs a break.Today’s pep talk is to remind you that you’re allowed to take time off from your stepkids, just like any other parent, and taking that break does not make you a bad stepparent who hates your stepkids. Because just like any other parent, stepparents run the risk of overdoing and burnout if we don't take a step back once in awhile to recharge.It’s common for stepparents to find ourselves on the verge of burnout because the bar we set for ourselves in this role was way too high to begin with. The standards we expect from ourselves were never realistic or achievable, but we don’t realize that when we’re first starting out. In fact, we might not connect those dots till months or years later when we feel like omg I am exhausted and I cannot deal with visitation this week. What is wrong with me?!Nothing’s wrong with you. You just need a break. And you’re allowed to take one. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

The time, energy, and effort you pour into the relationship with your stepkid might not be reciprocated. At least, not yet. Then again, possibly not ever. Or else maybe it'll come back to you and then some! 🤷🏻‍♀️The point is, you JUST NEVER KNOW which way it's gonna go with your stepkid. And that goes double or triple in high conflict, because children of emotionally disordered parents are living in trauma, and that changes everything you thought you knew about connecting with a kid.I'm not saying you shouldn't try at all or that your efforts are pointless. It's just super important to be realistic along the way. Sometimes going above & beyond to win your stepkids over can have the opposite effect of driving them away. And if that happens, the answer isn't to try harder — it's to give them space and let them come around in their own time, while also accepting that they may NOT come around. For a while anyway.So much about stepparenthood can feel like a guessing game in uncertainty, so if you wish you had more support and could connect with other stepparents who get it, we would love for you to join our support community in Substack. We have a private chat room for venting, a Q&A session with me & Dan every week, plus you’ll also get access to a ton of in-depth resources. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

The ex being high conflict can have a direct impact on how well you’re able to connect with your stepkid. If your stepkid's other home is dysfunctional or abusive, then even their most basic interpretations of love, belonging, or family could be very different from yours. Maybe more different than you’d ever guess.So don't blame yourself if you're struggling to connect with your stepkid... but do educate yourself on the impact of childhood abuse and trauma so you understand how those might manifest in your stepkid.Most of all, make sure YOU'RE getting the support YOU need along the way. As always, we’ve gotta make sure we’re putting our own oxygen masks on first.For a more in-depth look at the impact of high conflict on the stepparenting role, including your ability to blend at all, please go check out my workshop on high conflict stepparenting. It’s free for our paid subscribers on Substack, but you can sign up for a free trial and watch it that way too. And if you decide to stick around afterwards, we’d love to have you. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

If your stepkid wants nothing to do with you, please know that's more of a reflection on what you represent to them than it is a commentary on your personality.Your stepkid doesn't care how great you are. All they care is that you represent change, and change feels scary — especially to kids who are still shaken up from the massive upheaval of the divorce/breakup of their parents.This makes stepparents the perfect candidates for stepkids to turn into scapegoats. Don’t like what’s for dinner? Blame the stepparent! Grouchy about the conflict between houses and sick of feeling stuck in the middle? Probably that dang stepparent’s fault!A stepparent gives children of divorce a gift they never had before: a safe target for their unhappiness. Otherwise they'd have to acknowledge a lot of unpleasant truths about their parents, which most kids can't handle.So if your stepkid's rejecting you, try not to take it personally. I know firsthand that's so much easier said than done. But honestly, these kids will change and grow and mature with time. Most of them will eventually sort out their mixed feelings and at that point your relationship will very likely change for the better. In the meantime, hang in there, keep breathing, and keep right on being your fabulous self. And if you need some extra support along the way, come join our support community in Substack. We’d love to have you. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Custody orders are not a matter of opinion. A parenting plan is an enforceable legal document that protects both parents' legal parenting rights. One parent cannot legally make arbitrary, unilateral decisions that affect the other parent's visitation time; that would be a violation of the custody order. And you have the legal right to report that to the court by filing contempt.Ideally though, your custody orders shouldn’t be so vague that they leave room for a toxic ex to willfully misinterpret them. A lot of lawyers don’t understand how important this is however, so they keep on writing poorly-worded parenting plans. Yikes. 😱If your high-conflict ex is a pro at twisting your legal paperwork around so it always seems to work in their favor, please go grab our conflict-reducing parenting plan checklist. Because the ex is NOT in charge of interpreting your custody orders… no matter how much they’d like you to believe otherwise. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

One of my biggest stepparenting frustrations was feeling blocked in my ability to make changes for the better in the life of my stepkid. Yet — trying to parent my stepkid ended up causing stress and friction between me and my stepkid AND between me and my partner. And when that happens, it’s probably time to disengage.It’s not that you shouldn’t care how your stepkids are raised — obviously you care, otherwise you wouldn't be out here listening to a stepparenting podcast. But no matter how much you care about your stepkids, your power to enact any real change in their lives is going to be largely determined by how much your partner supports you in the stepparenting role... or how much they don't.If you’d love for your partner to support you but they’re unaware you need that from them, go check out the guide that Dan & I put together: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀 It’s for both of you to go through together to hopefully get on the same page. But if you’re already feeling really frustrated or resentful about your stepparenting efforts going unrecognized, I also recommend reading the Disengaging Essay. Because you need your partner’s support for sure, but you probably also need to redefine your role a little to figure out what’s working and what’s not working. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in stepfamily life that we forget there's a big wide world beyond our blended family bubble. We can try so hard to be good stepparents that we end up losing track of who and what we are outside of our stepparenting role.When we define ourselves only by how much our stepkids like us (or whether they like us at all), or whether we feel like we’re “blended” yet, we're selling ourselves short on every possible level.Never forget that you are a whole, complete, and worthy person just as you are, regardless of what grade you're giving yourself as a stepparent. Or what grade your stepkid or partner gives you.Just showing up today makes you awesome. There's plenty of people out there who wouldn't even bother doing that.For a little homework today, I’d love if you send me a DM sharing at least one awesome thing you are besides a stepparent. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

We tell our kids that big emotions feel scary, but that’s actually just as true for us grownups. Stepparenting is overwhelming a surprising percentage of the time. No matter how committed you are to building your blended family, you cannot be all in, all the time without some kind of pressure relief valve.Sometimes the only way to deflate all the seriousness down into a more manageable size is to poke some fun at the whole mess. Crack more jokes. Tease your partner a bit. Tease the kids a bit. I mean, don't invalidate anyone; there's a line between teasing and mean girling that shouldn’t be crossed. But we can’t let ourselves get so tightly wound about making everyone happy, or making sure everything is perfect and everyone gets along that we end up feeling stiff, stifled, and resentful.Humor can help tip the scales away from anger and toward regaining a balanced perspective. Make room for the absurdity of it all — lord knows most of this shit is funny in a dark humor kind of way if we can bring ourselves to laugh at it.--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Today’s pep talk is simple. I just want you to know you are not alone.You're not.As isolated as you may feel, as many cheerleading posts about stepparenting that you might read (and then feel guilty that you don't feel like a cheerleading kinda stepparent), know that stepparenting being hard is also normal.It took me years of feeling frustrated, stuck, and lonely AF before I finally figured out how to feel okay within my blended family, and okay with my role as a stepmom.Some folks may waltz gracefully into stepparenthood with no problems whatsoever, but I promise you they are NOT the majority. The majority looks more like… drowning in mixed feelings 24/7, not feeling sure of what the right or wrong way to do ANYTHING is, and generally beating your head against a brick wall.If that sounds like you, welcome! I’m glad you found your way here. If you’re looking to connect with other stepparents in the same boat, we’d love it if you’d join our Substack support community. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

You can’t coparent with someone who won’t compromise. If you're continually bending over backwards trying to make reasonable accommodations while the other co-parent keeps making unilateral decisions and refusing to meet you even close to halfway, I've got news for you: that's not co-parenting. That's you getting manipulated.All the advice about peaceful co-parenting assumes that both people involved are reasonable adults who truly have their child's best interests at heart. And honestly, most of us believe that about even our most difficult exes too. So when the typical co-parenting advice doesn't work for us, we think WE’RE the ones who must be failing. Like maybe we just need to try harder & compromise more.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀NOPE. If you're dealing with someone who is high-conflict, all the rules change. They don’t care about keeping the kids out of the middle. Their goal for “co-parenting” is to get you to go along with their program, not work together.I'm not saying that means you should be difficult right back, but do understand that however much you give, it’s never gonna be enough for someone who is high conflict... unless you're willing to give up absolutely everything and then some. So please stop compromising and stand your ground instead. This blog shares some tips to get you started: ➡️ 5 co-parenting tips that won’t work with a high-conflict ex (...and what to do instead) 👀--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

We all understand that becoming a parent is a major adjustment, yet we expect stepparents to become instant experts in their role. And by “we” I mean society, but also including ourselves. We seem to hold ourselves to this ridiculous standard — like we’re not gonna make mistakes, or there won’t be a learning curve.For me, I was already a parent when I became a stepparent, so it never occurred to me just how different stepparenting could be. I mean our kids were even the same age for pete’s sake. I thought it’d be like, just add one more kid to the mix, no big deal.So today’s pep talk is for all you stepparents, especially newer stepparents and pre-stepparents: pretend you're the parent of a brand new baby and give yourself the same kind of grace: get lots of sleep, accept help when it's offered, and if you need help but someone hasn’t offered, then ask. Most importantly, pace yourself! Know that the super hard beginning part isn't always how stepparenting will look or feel. Hang in there. You’ve got this.And if you need a little extra support along the way, go read my stepparenting survival guide for the CliffsNotes version of what you need to know. Or come join our support group in Substack. You can also send me a text message right through a magical link in the show notes. xoUpdate: We switched hosting providers so we can’t do the texting thing anymore but please feel free to drop us a DM on Substack! xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

If your partner’s ex is high conflict, limiting how much contact you have with them can also limit the potential for drama.When I saw how ridiculous Dan’s relationship was with his ex, I thought most of the conflict between houses could be pretty easily resolved through clearer communication. I’m a great communicator, so naturally I stepped in to help. That… did not go well. 😱 😂 🤦🏻‍♀️As outsiders, stepparents have an ability to pretty clearly see the main co-parenting issues between households. Better than our partners a lot of the time, in fact! So we think we can and should step in to help wherever we can, because that’s what’s best for the kids and our families, right?Those intentions come from the best place. And I know it seems like by reaching out in a friendly casual kind of way to your stepkid’s other parent, surely you could get through when your partner can’t. You’re basically a neutral third party; you see both sides, you really do!Please listen to me when I say: set those good intentions down and back away slowly. No amount of friendly outreach is gonna de-escalate a high-conflict ex who’s hell-bent on staying bitter and angry due to their own issues.Stepparents are not responsible for managing post-divorce conflict between houses. It’s not your job to act as an ambassador between your partner and their high-conflict ex. Your job is to support your partner while they deal with this difficult person that they had a child with. Pretend the ex is your partner’s work problem: listen and sympathize all day long, but try not to get emotionally involved.That said, if you wanna come vent about all this in a safe space, you’d be very welcome in our private Substack community! You can even sign up under a fake name to protect your anonymity if your partner’s ex is a litigious nightmare. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Becoming a stepparent gave me PTSD. And I do mean PTSD in the literal, clinical sense, as in diagnosed by an actual counselor.Living under the constant conflict between houses and never-ending uncertainty of where the next attack might be coming from turned my existing anxiety issues into a full-blown trauma response. Which it’s taken me years to heal from.I’m telling you this in case you yourself feel triggered by your partner’s ex or your stepkid. If you’re like “Why the hell is my heart going like a jackhammer every single transition day” — you too might have complex post-traumatic stress disorder from becoming a stepparent.That’s how serious the stress of stepfamily life can be, particularly when there’s high conflict. So I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I have a whole blog post where I talk about my experiences in more detail: ➡️ Becoming a stepmom gave me PTSD 👀And if you’re one of our paid subscribers on Substack, you also have access to my high conflict stepparenting workshop, where I go into a lot more depth about how why stepparents end up finding ourselves here in PTSD land, and how we can get ourselves the hell out. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Knowing Dan had a kid and knowing what I was getting into are two totally different things, it turns out.It’s not that I made the decision to become a stepparent without thinking about it. I honestly thought I knew EXACTLY what I was signing up for, especially since I already had a kid myself. (Famous last words, right?)Turns out that helping someone else raise a kid that's not yours comes with a whole lot of strings and baggage that are wayyyyy more complex than any of us realize at the beginning of this journey.And you know what? Feeling overwhelmed by just how different your vision of blending a family is compared to the reality of blending a family is totally normal and totally okay. Struggling to find your place and figure out what your role is really supposed to be doesn't mean you're failing. This job is hard by default.If you’re feeling lonely or like you’re struggling or just wish you could connect with other stepparents who get it, that’s exactly what we offer in our private support community on Substack. You’ll get access to a private chat where you can vent in a safe space, you can ask me & Dan whatever questions you like or for tips and advice, and you’ll also get access to a ton of in-depth resources on everything from transition day tips to how to create effective boundaries with a high-conflict ex. We’d love you have you. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

One person in a relationship sitting back and expecting the other do all the work is never okay. And that goes double in a stepfamily.I can't believe how many stories I've heard from stepparents who are accused of not doing 'enough' by their partners… and yet their partner, the actual parent, REFUSES TO PARENT.This is some serious bullshit, folks. Stepparents should not be expected to parent more than their stepkid's actual parent!!I mean if you want to and you're happy doing that and you being in that role works for everyone, terrific. But if you're worn out and resentful and frustrated and STILL your partner expects you to step in and handle the lion's share of the adulting and parenting... that is not okay, and you are WAY overdue to disengage.Start by reading the Disengaging Essay. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

You can trust your partner completely and still feel jealous of the life they had with their ex.It's normal to feel bummed that you'll never share all those important "firsts" with your partner because they already shared them with someone else. It's normal to feel angry that you'll never enjoy an uncomplicated relationship with the love of your life.So go ahead and feel jealous sometimes. Feel angry, feel hurt, feel sad. Just don't let those emotions eat you alive. If you notice your thinking turns obsessive or toxic, make a committed effort to change the TV channel in your head to something else. (ANYthing else!)Most of all, focus on your future together. Your partner may have had those "firsts" but do you think they're happy they had to be shared with someone who's now an ex? Of course not! Your partner is looking for their own fresh start, or you wouldn't be in the picture. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀The future you'll share together adds up to way more than a chapter in your partner's past that's already over.PS - If you’d love a guide for how to juggle the insane emotions that seem to go hand-in-hand with stepparenting (seriously, does anyone else feel like they’re back in middle school or something??) please go check this out: ➡️ 17 Coping Tips for Managing Overwhelming Stepparenting Emotions 👀--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

I used to blame myself when Dan's ex would go off the rails, like it was my fault I encouraged him to grow a backbone. Like maybe I never should've tried to create rules and structure for my stepkid. Maybe if I'd just kept my mouth shut, the conflict between houses wouldn't have escalated the way it did.Then I remind myself of something my sister always says: "Crazy doesn't need a reason."Even if Dan & I had never met, his ex would've found some other way to alienate him from his kid. She'd have found some other excuse to flip out about every little thing, because that is the nature of a high-conflict person who thrives on chaos and drama. Nothing we did or didn't do would ever have changed that.When you're dealing with a high conflict co-parent, the answer is always better boundaries, not more compromise. A high conflict person is gonna be high conflict either way, so you might as well err on the side of protecting yourself and the family you're trying to build.Unfortunately, this advice is the opposite of what most co-parenting resources will tell you. But the truth is that most co-parenting resources don’t have any lived experience dealing with someone who’s determined to be unreasonable. Which is why I wrote this: ➡️ 4 things typical co-parenting advice gets wrong about high conflict 👀--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

If you're a stepparent feeling frustrated, stuck, or unhappy, change for the better is absolutely possible. But it's probably not gonna come from the direction you think it is.We keep waiting for our stepkids or partners or the ex to change so our lives become easier. We get increasingly frustrated when no one seems interested in changing. And the whole time, we forget that WE can change; that's the one thing we have 100% control over in our blended families.In order to blend, everyone in your family will need to adapt and compromise. Including you. You can’t accelerate this process for your other family members, but you can start with yourself. As the saying goes, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Or in this case, be the change you wish to see in your stepfamily.The first thing we typically need to change? Our own preconceptions: about how our stepkids should act, or how our partners should parent them. We could also stand to change all the wasted time and energy we spend wishing the ex were less intrusive or less crazy or just plain didn’t exist.It can't be said often enough: blending a family, on average, takes 5 to 7 years (or more). You're in this for the long haul. The sooner you start letting go of your own preconceptions, the sooner you’ll start feeling more comfortable in the stepparenting role. To help, try one of these:The 7 stages of becoming a stepparentStepparenting survival guideWhy everyone in a blended family needs to let go of “should”17 coping tips for managing overwhelming stepparenting emotionsAnd of course, you can always find more support in our private Substack community. We’d love to have you! xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Let's talk about your partner’s ex for a sec. Anyone else gotten wayyy too obsessed with the ex for their own good?? 🙋🏻‍♀️ That was definitely me.Man anger is a tough emotion to shake. Especially when the ex is causing so much drama that you feel like you never get a damn break from their presence overtaking your entire life.I'm not gonna say you shouldn't be mad (you're almost for sure justified) and I'm certainly not saying you and the ex need to be BFFs (you absolutely do not) but I will say: as long as you are angry, you will stay stuck in that anger.If you’ve ever looked at your stepkid and felt your blood pressure go up because they look or act so much like the ex that it’s like having a little mini me in your home, you know exactly what I mean. But transferring our anger at the ex onto how we feel about our stepkids is a lot of baggage for those kiddos to carry. And then we're stepparenting from the worst possible place.It's hard to move past the anger. Believe me, I have been there and I know. But do NOT let the ex take up rent-free space in your head. Evict them. They don't deserve your time or energy. Once you can disconnect your anger at the ex from your feeling toward your stepkid, you'll find that love enters way more easily. And actually, today’s entire pep talk was inspired by a quote from Joan Lunden, who said: "A heart filled with anger has no room for love."Struggling to relate to your stepkid because they remind you too much of the ex is very very common, and is yet another one of those forbidden topics no one really talks about. So please know, if that’s you, you’re definitely not alone. And you should probably read this: ➡️ WHEN YOUR STEPKID REMINDS YOU TOO MUCH OF THE EX 👀--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

I found it tough to connect with my stepkid, especially in our early years. She came across as entitled. She spoke in a cutesy baby voice almost constantly. She had terrible manners, including frequently being rude to me.I’m embarrassed to admit how long I thought this was a problem with her. It literally took years before the light dawned one day like — wait a sec. Where’s Dan in all this? Sure this kid chews with her mouth open and ignores me at her soccer games but… Dan is the one letting her get away with it.I didn’t have a stepkid problem. I had a partner problem.Guilt-based parenting (or rather, lack of parenting) is super common after a divorce or breakup. There are all kinds of reasons this happens, and most of those reasons actually come from a good place. Like wanting the kids to have fun when they’re with you, or not wanting to be the bad guy. Single parents often feel like their kids have it hard enough dealing with their parents’ breakup without coming down on them.The thing is, kids actually need rules and structure to feel safe and thrive. If you’re stepparenting a stepkid who doesn’t have any of that, or if your partner agrees that their kids need that yet they aren’t stepping up themselves, please please please go check out our guide: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀There’s an entire section in there about why kids need parenting, and how a lack of parenting can negatively impact your family’s ability to effectively blend, as well as affecting your personal relationship with your stepkid.--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

As the newest members of our stepfamilies, stepparents are the outsiders, which means it's easier for us to see any dysfunction or unhealthy patterns that have been invisible to everyone else.That's why, when we bring up issues that concerns us, we're told there either isn't a problem, or it's just OUR problem. Like “Well, this is how it's always been... so if you want to be part of this family, you'll have to get over yourself.”Folks, that's not how stepfamilies work.Stepparenting is an ecosystem, not an island. Every blended family is only as blended as the sum of its parts. So while the stepparent's actions contribute to any given outcome, guess what, so do the actions or inactions of everyone else. Including your partner and your stepkids.In other words, stepparents aren't to blame for everything that goes wrong in their blended family. And yet, we so often do blame ourselves.If you're carrying around a whole bunch of guilt today, feeling like you're the reason your family isn't blending like you'd hoped, today's a great day to set that shit down. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

"No" is a complete sentence. And it's a sentence stepparents are allowed to say.It really is okay if you don't want to drop everything to watch your stepkids when your partner decided to change the visitation schedule at the last minute and didn't check with you first.It's also okay if you choose not to attend yet another school event where your stepkid ignores you and your partner doesn't correct them.And finally, it’s okay to take a break from blending your family — especially if you feel like you're the only one working at this.Setting boundaries and saying no sometimes are a critical part of learning how to stepparent effectively. Without putting your own oxygen mask on first, pacing yourself, and knowing your own limits, you’ll quickly find yourself feeling resentful or burned out.And if you’re listening to this like “Too late babe, I am already there” then I highly recommend you go read this: ➡️ THE DISENGAGING ESSAY 👀It’s basically an explanation of how you got here and encouragement for how you can start course-correcting back to feeling like yourself again. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

A lot of folks act like stepparenting is easy. If it’s easy for them, that’s great. But stepparenting being hard for you doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.So many books and articles I read in my early stepmom days made it sound like there'd be this brief adjustment period and then we'd all be BFFs. So I thought, feeling like this gig is really hard must mean I'm reallllly messing up as a stepparent.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Here's what I know now, though: hard is the default setting when it comes to blending a family, especially when the ex is high conflict. Feeling confused about your role is normal. Wondering where you fit in is normal. And it's also normal to not love stepparenting 100% of the time.If you feel guilty about those feelings or feel like you're failing as a stepparent because of them, first of all that’s not at all true. And secondly, please know that it's not you. It's just this role. It's the circumstances. It's all the collateral baggage that gets dragged into our lives along with our partners and our stepkids. Please don't beat yourself up if blended family life ends up as way harder than what you thought. I promise, none of us knew what we were getting into.Anytime you need some reassurance that you’re not alone, we’d love for you to join us in our Substack community. It’s a bunch of very supportive stepparents who totally get it and who’d be very happy to cheer you on and cheer you up as much as you need. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

At first I thought my stepkid just had terrible manners or a bad attitude. TBH, those might be true too. But after years of this with no improvement and actually seeing her behavior get suddenly worse, I finally realized my stepkid was being super shitty to me & Dan on purpose; she wanted to drive us away. And that is the heartbreaking nature of alienation.On some level, she wanted us to give up on her — so she’d be free from that loyalty bind where her mom kept her trapped. Alienation is like a self-fulfilling prophecy: the alienating parent keeps telling the kid we don’t care about them. And they reject us so hard and are so awful to us that many of us do give up, because we don’t know what else to do and we think that must really be what these kids want.Instead of giving up though, Dan & I kept trying. Kept showing up and trying our damnedest to show my stepdaughter that we were her family too. That made her so mad for so long I thought she'd never forgive us.Fast forward to today though and here we are. Life is pretty damn normal with my stepkid these days. She even tells us she loves us now and gives us hugs and stuff, which she quit doing for years. Just goes to show that no matter how bad your relationship with your stepkids seems right at this moment, you never know when you might turn a corner. 💕If you’re currently trapped in your own personal worst-case scenario with alienated stepkids, please know I’m sending you love. And also, please don’t lose sight of the big picture. Don’t forget that underneath the layers and layers of the rejection and anger of parental alienation, your stepkids are your family. And you are theirs. No matter how hard they try to prove otherwise by pushing you away.There’s no aspect of stepparenting life I found more heartbreaking than the alienation we lived through, yet finding accurate advice to support you through that is incredibly hard. Which is why Dan & I set out to create the resources we wish we’d had ourselves back when we were living our own worst-case scenario, such as this workshop: ➡️ Parental Alienation: Survival Strategies for Blended Families 👀 It’s free for our paid Substack subscribers, or you can watch it by signing up for a free trial. I really hope it helps. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

One of the few things stepfamilies have in common with a traditional family is that your romantic relationship acts as the foundation.In a traditional family, we know exactly what would happen if we continually neglected our partner to tend to the kids. We know the kids can’t come first at the cost of our relationship, and that we’ve got to carve out couple time if we want to survive as a couple.Somehow in stepfamilies, we tend to forget that.Stepcouples, please make time for yourselves and each other. You’ve got to nurture the soil so your stepfamily can throw down the deep roots necessary to help you grow.If your partner has a different philosophy about this or you otherwise feel like you’re not quite on the same page, Dan & I made this to help you out: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀It’s free for our paid subscribers on Substack but you can also access the whole thing if you sign up for a free trial. I mean obviously we hope you’ll stick around longer than that, but even if you don’t, we’d just really love to help you turn your ship around. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Most stepparents enter this role with a reasonable amount of respect for our partner’s ex as our stepkid's other parent. We don't want to overstep. We want to do right by our partners and our stepkids.So we take any suggestions that we're overstepping very seriously. The last thing we want is to make things worse between houses or harder for our stepkids, right? If accused of overstepping, we typically back off just to stay on the safe side, even when all we're doing seems like totally normal stepparenting.Here’s the thing though. A normal, mature adult whose children have a stepparent wouldn't insist on dictating that relationship in the first place. So if that's what's happening, HELLO RED FLAGS! 🚩🚩🚩 Chances are pretty dang good you're looking at someone who's high conflict.So today’s pep talk is more of a reminder: just because the ex claims you’re overstepping doesn’t mean you’re actually overstepping.Many a high-conflict ex will play the overstepping card in an attempt to get you the hell away from their kid. Or control what’s happening at your house. Or stir up drama. Or heck, all of the above!A lot of stepparents get intimidated by this shit and become paranoid about what the “right” way is to interact with their stepkid. (I know I did!)So let me be clear: normal, everyday involvement in your stepkid’s life does NOT constitute overstepping.Packing school lunches, driving your stepkid around, attending their games & recitals, decorating their room at your house, planning family vacations with them, asking them to take their dishes to the sink… none of that is overstepping.It’s stepparenting.Anyone who implies otherwise should be soundly ignored.Like everything else about dealing with a high conflict ex, don’t let their attempted manipulations influence how you and your partner run your household.This isn’t a job interview. The ex doesn’t get a vote; they don’t have veto power over you. You do not need the ex’s approval to become a stepparent, and they don’t get to dictate the way you’re allowed to stepparent.If you’re fed up with a nightmare ex, you should definitely come join our support community on Substack. We have a private chatroom where you can safely vent, and you can even use a fake name for extra anonymity if you want. We’d love to have you. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

As a former single mom, all I wanted was to give my kid a "real" family. Even if it killed me.The thing is, meeting Dan and then trying to force 4 strangers to feel like a family just about DID kill me. Because at no point along the way did I remember to put my oxygen mask on first.All that self-care advice I’m always sharing with you all? I did NONE OF THAT. I kept thinking, once all our issues are solved, THEN I can relax. Focus on other things besides trying to blend this family.But stepfam life doesn't work that way because the issues are never fully solved. I don't mean that in a negative or hopeless kind of way, but rather that life keeps happening and challenges are the very nature of life.We can't put our own self-care on hold indefinitely while we're waiting for our families to blend — especially not when that's a process that takes 5 to 7 years (and 10+ in high conflict 😱).So make sure you're carving out time for yourself and your own mental health along the way. There's more to you than stepparenting.If you feel like you’re drowning as a stepparent, please go read my free survival guide! So much of what makes stepparenting challenging is our own misconceptions about life in a blended family and this role itself. In my survival guide, I share a bunch of tips and resources to help make stepparenting feel more doable in a sustainable way. xo--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

Please remember that no stepparenting advice applies to every stepparent. If what you're doing works for you & your family, keep right on doing it! Feel free to ignore any "rules" about blending your family that don't apply to you and would never work for you.Blended families come in an infinite variety of flavors — the key is to find a way forward that works for you and your family. Which could look very, very different from what works for someone else.It’s so easy to get inside our heads about this and worry that we’re blending our family upside down and backwards. You’re not, I promise. You’re just finding your way, exactly the same as all the rest of us.If you’d like some extra solidarity along the way, please come join our support community in Substack! We have a private chatroom for troll-free venting, plus you can get advice from me & Dan in our weekly Q&A. But the best part is that you’ll get to connect with a bunch of awesome stepparents who totally get it. xo⠀⠀⠀⠀--🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)I talk a lot about the need for us to have realistic expectations about stepparenting, and once in a while someone gets snarky with me about that statement. They’ll say things like they shouldn't have to lower their expectations for their stepkids. That they deserve to run their household the way they want.It’s really not about lowering your expectations though — it’s about getting real. Your stepkids are not going to change their mannerisms overnight. Nor are they likely to thank you for coming in with a bunch of new rules. And your partner isn’t gonna suddenly start parenting differently after one discussion. Or even a dozen discussions.Real change is absolutely possible, but it takes time and patience. I’m gonna quote my favorite statistic again: blending a family takes, on average, 5 to 7 years. And 10+ in high conflict. You’ve got to pace yourself. And that’s gonna be a whole lot easier if you’re holding yourself and your stepfamily to standards that are achievable for all of you.If you’re feel like you’re drowning as a stepparent, please go read my stepparenting survival guide! Because the more you know about what’s normal for stepfamily dynamics and the role of a stepparent, the better you’ll feel about the whole thing. Finding stepparenting peace starts with letting go of our own unrealistic expectations, and educating ourselves is the first step. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Over on Instagram, I used to host Tiny Victory Tuesdays in my stories. New followers initially felt discouraged by this — they'd DM me saying they didn't have any wins to share. I'd remind them that all we're looking for is tiny victories and no win was too small to celebrate.Gradually, even the most stressed-out stepparents started sharing hesitant wins like... "Well I guess I cried less this week" or "My stepkid didn't completely ignore me."Tiny victories that couldn't possibly be considered wins by anyone other than stepparents who are deeply committed to finding that light at the other end of the tunnel. Tiny victories that absolutely, totally, 100% count as wins.I remember wishing for huge, unmistakable wins myself — dramatic court victories and firm boundary-setting and admissions of wrong-doing by certain high-conflict exes. The sexy wins, you know?Looking back, though, I find it's the tiny victories I treasure the most. That time my stepkid spontaneously hugged me when I surprised her by painting a fairy mural on her wall. That time she could've picked anywhere to go for her birthday brunch and she requested I make her favorite pancakes at home instead. That time the kids watched some show that made them laugh so hard they came staggering into our room trying to tell us what was so funny, but then they couldn’t even talk.Those are the moments I hold closest in my heart: the tiniest of tiny victories. And I am so thankful that I didn't overlook them just because they weren't loud, massive wins all lit up in neon lights.We all carry an image in our heads of what it means to be successfully blended. What our stepfamily will look like or act like once we’ve worked everything out and we finally feel like a “real” family.The good news is, you’re already a real family. Blending is a process, not a destination.What makes a blended family work isn’t the big stuff. We become blended through hundreds of small successes and shared memories along the way. The mumbled good morning from the stepkid who ignored you yesterday. The lack of an angry email from the ex last week — or maybe only one email instead of many.Look for those bright moments, those teeny tiny victories, and celebrate them for the wins they are. Those are the bread crumbs that will lead you to blended. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)I’m not here to armchair diagnose anyone or water down the word ‘narcissist’ — which is an actual diagnosable mental disorder — but I do want stepparents and their partners to be aware when they’re involved in a dysfunctional co-parenting situation that goes way beyond the realm of standard post-divorce stuff.So here’s some signs you’re probably co-parenting with a narcissist… or at the very least, a toxic and/or high conflict ex:Nothing is ever their fault; things are always happening to them.They’re game-playing pros — they’ll agree just enough to make you think they’re going along with your suggestion, but only if doing so somehow serves their own interests. Or gives them a different way to control you.Narcissists are deeply competitive people who view everything as a competition. They don’t want to lose and they don’t like being told what to do.They’re concerned with themselves first and foremost over anyone else. Everything is about them: their time, their money, their child. If they can’t see how something will serve them on a personal level, they won’t participate.Most of all, a narcissist doesn’t co-parent — they counter-parent. A narc co-parent has their own agenda and they view anything outside that agenda as a threat… even your attempts to co-parent amicably.A high conflict ex does not care about the collateral damage they cause along the way, including the damage they cause to their own kids.For all of these reasons and many more than I could share in a 2-minute pep talk, trying to compromise more with a high-conflict, toxic, or narcissist ex will not improve your co-parenting relationship.But putting stronger boundaries in place can make a noticeable difference for the better — for you and your kids. For help getting started, please go read this: ➡️ THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF HIGH-CONFLICT CO-PARENTING 👀-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)I used to shy away from using the word “stepmom” like it was a dirty word. But “bonus mom” squicks me out even worse so… “stepmom” it is. 🤷🏻‍♀️I got to wondering, why am I so uncomfortable with that word? Introducing my stepkid as my step kid shouldn’t seem like an insult — it's a fact. That is our legal relationship to each other.I finally figured out, it’s really society’s preconceptions around stepparents that make us second guess using that title. And I’ve gotta say, I am so over it. I mean, if anyone thinks my relationship with my stepkid counts for less because I’m her stepmom rather than her biological mom, I’ve got a good sharp kick in the shins for those idiots.To change society’s preconceptions about “stepmom” being a negative title though, first we need to change our own. We need to stop acting like introducing ourselves as a stepparent or referring to our stepkids as stepkids is the equivalent of admitting to some shameful confession.The only way for stepparents to stop feeling like we’re lepers is to normalize stepparenting, and the best way to normalize stepparenting is to embrace our prefixes already. Let’s stop apologizing for the very valid role we all play in our stepfamilies, and own the stepparent/stepkid title with pride.That might’ve been a little closer to a rant than a pep talk, but I feel like sometimes a soapbox is called for. I will now step down off that soapbox though and ask a small favor, which is if you’re finding this podcast helpful, could you please leave a review? It only takes a minute but will make a BIG difference in helping this little podcast get found by more stepparents. Thanks so much and I’ll meet you back here tomorrow. xoPS - Now on Etsy: STICKERS FOR STEPPARENTS! >> (Let’s destigmatize this role already!!)-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)I used to kind of go off on Dan when I thought his kid was being kinda shitty to him & taking advantage of his generosity. And he’d just let her get away with it. UGH.Dan's sweetness & generosity of spirit are qualities I LOVE about him, so I get a little wild when anyone plays him for a sucker. (By “anyone” I mostly mean his kid and his ex.) And then I end up mad at him because I think he should have better boundaries and more self-respect.Many stepparents have asked me how they can keep respecting their partners when they — like Dan — let their kids boss them around, bend over backwards for the ex who treats them like garbage, etc. How do you respect your partner when they don’t seem to respect themselves? This is a question I’ve struggled with too.What I’ve come to realize is that it isn't that Dan doesn't respect himself. It's that he leads with love. He gets that his daughter is dealing with way more emotional baggage than he or I could ever imagine. So if Dan’s kid is taking some of that frustration out on him, he responds with love and non-judgement because he doesn't want her stuck in the middle of 2 angry parents —1 angry parent is already way too many.Dan is also still healing from an emotionally abusive marriage, followed by a decade of equally traumatic court battles & high conflict co-parenting; the way he responds isn’t always aligned with my expectations for what constitutes a normative response.So I take a deep breath and check my frustration. I remind myself that this is a man who always, always takes the high road and the path of love, and I would do better to learn from him instead of judge him.And that is how I keep respecting my gentle-hearted husband.-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)Stepparenting guilt can lead you one of two ways: down into a vicious shame spiral, where you end up silent, scared, and paralyzed. OR you can let that guilt propel you upwards, forgive yourself for your mistakes, and keep growing.Just like regular parents, stepparents mess up sometimes. Just like regular parents, stepparents are making this shit up as we go. And just like regular parents, perfection isn't possible.Today, please try to let go of all those "shoulds" you keep piling on yourself. Stop “shoulding” all over yourself, as the saying goes. All you can do is the best you can do. Don't waste your time beating yourself up for not knowing then what you know now. Now that you know better, you’ll do better. And you’ll keep doing better, because that's who you are.If you’re struggling in your role, I recommend checking out my free stepparenting survival guide. A lot of the guilt we go through as stepparents is because we don’t realize that what we’re thinking, feeling, and experiencing is actually completely normal. This survival guide is like a cheat sheet for the biggest things I wish I’d known back when I was just starting out as a new stepmom. I really hope it helps. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!)So many stepparents think the success or failure of their blended family lands entirely on them. But that’s not now any of this works. Both partners need to work together to blend a family.Stepparents are like guests at our partner’s cocktail party. We really need someone to invite us in, show us around, introduce us, and generally help us feel at home. Show us the ropes. And that person is the party host, aka our partner.Now, your partner might not realize they need to do this. To be fair, you might not have known this yourself before right now. So next time you’re struggling, try asking your partner for support. This is something I really wish I’d been more clear about with Dan. Oh you want me to have a better relationship with your kid? Then please help me. Help your kid get to know me. Help me get to know your kid. Help us find common ground and help me find where I fit in in all this.Your partner really needs to be in this with you, not shrugging their shoulders and expecting you to just figure everything out on your own. Blended family life is complicated, and it takes two.If you need help explaining to your partner why and how you need their support, Dan & I created this guide to help that conversation head in a productive direction: ➡️ HOW TO ACTUALLY BLEND: THE MISSING INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR STEPCOUPLES 👀 Or if you need help on your own with just figuring out a way to make the stepparent role work better for you and not feel so uncomfortable and confusing, here’s a workshop to help with that: ➡️ Redefining the Stepparenting Role. Both of these are included with a paid subscription to our Substack community, which also includes a private chat room, Q&As with me & Dan, and access to a ton of other resources. We’d love for you to join us. xo-- 🧡 Need a bigger pep talk? Start here or join us over on Substack! xo This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit blendedfamilyfrappe.substack.com/subscribe