This Complex Life

In this episode of "This Complex Life," I interview Patch Callahan, a clinical psychologist, to explore the concept of values and their importance in therapy, specifically in the context of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Patch provides insights into the difference between values and goals, as well as practical tips on defining and living your values.The conversation in this episode delves into the challenges of discovering and living by one's values, including how to handle discomfort, make decisions, and find psychological flexibility. Patch Callahan's insights provide a valuable guide for those looking to explore and learn about themselves. Key Takeaways:Understanding Values vs. Goals: Patch distinguishes between values and goals. Values are the underlying principles that guide our behaviour and choices, while goals are specific achievements or targets. Values provide the "why" behind our actions, giving them deeper meaning. Values are the deeply held principles and beliefs that guide our actions, behaviours, and decisions. They represent what is meaningful and important to us and serve as a compass for living an authentic and fulfilling life.Importance of Values: Identifying and living according to our values can lead to a more purposeful and fulfilling life. It helps us make choices aligned with our true desires, fostering authenticity and satisfaction.Defining Your Values:Start by considering various life domains, such as family, relationships, work, health, and leisure.Reflect on what is genuinely important to you within each domain, drilling down to specific values.Aim to narrow down your values to a manageable handful, around 5 or 6, that resonate deeply with you and activate a sense of purpose.Challenges in Identifying Values: Some people may struggle to discern their values. It's essential to explore, experiment, and learn through trial and error, seeking professional guidance if needed.Three Tips to Define Your Values:Reflect on Life Domains: Consider different aspects of your life, such as family, relationships, work, health, and leisure, and identify what matters most to you within each domain.Drill Down to Specific Values: Delve deeper within each domain to identify specific values that resonate with you. For example, within the family domain, you might value connection, vulnerability, or reliability.Narrow Down to a Handful: Aim to narrow down your values to around 5 or 6 that feel deeply meaningful and guide your actions. These values should be tangible and connect with your desired future.Importance of Defining Your Values: Identifying your values is crucial because they provide a clear sense of purpose and direction in life. Living according to your values fosters authenticity, helps you make choices aligned with your true desires, and leads to a more fulfilling and meaningful life. It allows you to navigate challenges and make decisions that resonate with your core beliefs and principles.ResourcesBulls eye activity Get in touch with Patch https://actofliving.com.au/our-team/patch-callahan/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Mentioned in this episode:Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

In today's episode, I talk about complaining and how we address problems.Complaining is not great for our mental health and wellbeing. It can create a habit in our brain to focus on negative things. It can also impact relationships.Main Talking Points:Complaining vs. Stating Facts: Often, we don't realise we're complaining when we think we're just stating facts or observations. This can lead us to believe our complaints are justified when in reality, they're often just negative thoughts in disguise.Impact on Relationships: Frequent complaining can damage relationships and create a negative atmosphere. Recognising that what we express affects those around us is essential to maintaining healthy interactions.Shifting Focus to Positives: Our brains are wired to seek out danger and negatives as a survival mechanism. However, constantly focusing on the negative can lead to finding more things that go wrong and that are negative. It's like we’re looking out for them Embracing the analogy of "having a pony and needing to shovel shit" can help us reframe problems. Just as having a pony brings responsibilities, many good things come with challenges that need to be addressed.Circle of Control or circle of influence: Understanding the concept of the "Circle of Control" can guide us in distinguishing what we can control, influence, or have no control over. This perspective helps us allocate our energy wisely and respond more thoughtfully to situations.Remember, we all have the choice to decide what we focus on and how we respond. By becoming more mindful of our thoughts and expressions, we can reshape our mindset and approach to problems, ultimately improving our wellbeing and relationships. connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Mentioned in this episode:Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Why do some people avoid couples therapy?In this episode, Belinda and I talk about fears and hesitation surrounding couples therapy. We discuss stigmas and misconceptions that prevent people from seeking the help they need to nurture and grow their relationships.In this episode Belinda and I discuss the value of couples therapy We talk about how to find the right therapist who can work with the specific challenges faced within your relationship.We discussed ways of navigating challenging conversations. We talk about the importance of being curious rather than critical during difficult discussions.The role of individual therapy and how it can complement couples therapy Couples therapy can be a transformative experience for relationships, providing tools and insights to improve communication, connection, and conflict resolution. By being curious and seeking the right therapist, individuals can foster a deeper understanding of their relationship dynamics. About Belinda GibsonBelinda is a registered Psychologist and Gestalt Psychotherapist, and is the founder and director of Footscray Counselling Centre, where she provides individual, couples and groups with relationally orientated psychotherapy supervision and therapy.Belinda also works as a consultant to various academic and medical organisations, facilitating reflective group practice, training workshops and supervision.https://footscraycounsellingcentre.com.au/Blog post mentionedhttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/is-it-too-late-for-couples-therapy-5-benefits-of-couples-therapy/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Mentioned in this episode:Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

What is EMDR TherapyIn this episode of This Complex Life, I sit down with Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and EMDR Therapy Trainer Caroline Burrows.Caroline and I discuss the use of EMDR therapy and how we use it to support folks with traumatic experiences and difficult memories Understanding EMDR  Therapy?EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It's a type of psychological therapy that activates the brain's natural healing capacity to overcome painful life experiences that keep impacting us.The EMDR Process.EMDR therapy can be broken down into eight phases, starting from building a strong therapeutic relationship to preparing the person for the processing of traumatic or negative memories and experiences. EMDR Therapy aims to help individuals gain control over distressing experiences, making them less vivid, reducing attached emotions, and changing the way they think about the events.EMDR therapy isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. The number of sessions and techniques used varies from person to person based on their needs and the complexity of their experiences. It's about finding the best fit for each individual.Resource BuildingCaroline highlights the importance of resource building. This phase involves equipping the person with coping skills and confidence both during and outside of EMDR sessions. These resources help them manage any emotional processing that continues after therapy.Key Takeaways:EMDR therapy activates the brain's natural healing to overcome painful experiences.The therapy is personalised, with no fixed number of sessions.Don't be afraid to ask questions and advocate for yourself during therapy sessions.Resource building is essential to support clients in their healing journey.EMDR Therapy can benefit individuals dealing with trauma, depression, anxiety, and more.Further reading or resourcesEMDRAA website: www.emdraa.orgMindful Living website: www.mindfulliving.com.auFree resources for the public: www.mindfulliving.com.au/resources/The book discussed: www.everymemorydeservesrespect.com/Connect with Caroline Caroline Burrows is an Accredited EMDR Trainer and Consultant with a background in Clinical Social Work and Psychotherapy. She has over 15 years of experience providing therapeutic services across community, hospital, medical and university settings.She is the Owner and Director of Mindful Living, a group private practice in the eastern suburbs of Melbourne. As the EMDR Coordinator at The Melbourne Clinic, Caroline developed the first inpatient hospital EMDR program in Victoria. She has an infectious enthusiasm for EMDR Therapy and provides innovative EMDR training and consultation and clinical supervision to mental health professionals across Australia and abroad. Caroline loves encouraging, motivating and mentoring therapists as they embrace the opportunities that EMDR Therapy brings.For more details, visit www.carolineburrows.com.auConnect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Mentioned in this episode:Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

In this episode I’ll be talking about Bids for Connection, those small gestures that can make or break a relationship. From couples to parents and teenagers, we'll explore the importance of responding positively to these bids with kindness and love to create stronger connections and build trust.Research has shown that a healthy relationship can have significant positive effects on our mental and physical health, while unhealthy relationships can have a negative impact on our mental and physical health.One to build strong connections in intimate relationships is by using bids for connection.Bids for Connection are little actions or communications used by someone to establish or maintain a connection with another person. They can be obvious or subtle, spoken or unspoken.I share the three common ways people respond to bids Turning Towards, Turning Away, and Turning Towards Unkindly  and why it's essential to be mindful of our reactions.Key Takeaways:Recognising bids for connection fosters emotional intimacy and trust.Responding positively to bids creates a nurturing and supportive relationship environment.Missed bids can lead to emotional distance, conflict, and feelings of loneliness.Repairing missed bids involves acknowledging the oversight and making an effort to reconnect.Building strong relationships with teenagers involves turning towards their bids, even when they seem negative or hostile.Remember, the quality of our relationships greatly influences our overall wellbeing. So let's start paying attentionConnect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Mentioned in this episode:Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

In this episode of This Complex Life, I sit down with psychologist Belinda Gibson for a candid conversation about the pressures of perfectionism and the pervasive feeling of not being good enough. We share insights from our client work and personal experiences, discussing how this belief can impact relationships and self-esteem without us even realising it. Join us as we explore ways to recognise and address these feelings, and learn how to engage in meaningful conversations with friends and family. Where do our feelings of "Not Feeling Good Enough" come from? We discuss how this belief is learned over time and becomes a strong, almost inherent feeling.Unpacking Shoulds: We talk about how the use of "shoulds" in language can indicate feelings of failure and not being good enough. We delve into how these internal judgments manifest in day-to-day life.The Pressure to Be Perfect: We discuss the societal expectation that we must excel in something to enjoy it fully, and how this belief stifles exploration and playfulness.Shame and Growth: We explore how shame can hinder our growth mindset, making it difficult to embrace vulnerability and learn new skills.Seeking Support: We talk about the importance of self-compassion and finding safe spaces and people to share our vulnerabilities and growth journeys.Key Takeaways:The "not good enough" feeling can appear in various aspects of life, affecting our choices and behaviours.Societal expectations of perfectionism can hinder our enjoyment of activities we might otherwise find pleasurable.Shame linked to inadequacy can impede personal growth and learning new skills.Fear of rejection may lead to avoiding tough conversations, affecting genuine connections.Seeking support and finding safe spaces for self-exploration can be instrumental in untangling the "not good enough" feeling. Belinda is a registered Psychologist and Gestalt Psychotherapist, and is the founder and director of Footscray Counselling Centre, where she provides individual, couples and groups with relationally orientated psychotherapy supervision and therapy.Belinda also works as a consultant to various academic and medical organisations, facilitating reflective group practice, training workshops and supervision. https://footscraycounsellingcentre.com.au/Further reading or resourcesThe Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown: A book on embracing vulnerability and self-compassion.Kristin Neff's Self-Compassion Resources: Guided meditations and self-compassion checklist to foster self-compassion https://self-compassion.org/Inside Out (Movie): Check out this animated film that offers a creative depiction of emotions and inner struggles.Full show notes linkhttps://marievakakis.com.au/episode70/connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Mentioned in this episode:Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

In this episode, we dive into the topic of worry with Dr. Lillian Nejad, a clinical psychologist with extensive experience in helping people manage anxiety and stress. We explore the definition of worry, its relationship with anxiety, and common misconceptions about it. Lillian sheds light on the purpose and function of worry, highlighting situations where it can be helpful and when it becomes unproductive. Join us as we discuss the impact of excessive worry on daily life and relationships, and explore strategies for managing worry effectively. Key Talking Points:·     Worry is the cognitive expression of anxiety, characterised by thoughts that often start with "what if" and focus on anticipating negative outcomes·     Worry can also be centred around past behaviour and regrets, known as rumination, where individuals constantly replay events they wish had gone differently·     While anxiety is a feeling, worry is a thought process triggered by anxiety·     Worry serves a purpose by alerting us to potential problems, allowing us to take preventive measures, solve issues, or be better prepared·     Dysfunctional worry occurs when it fails to lead to problem-solving or resolution, becomes uncontrollable, and significantly impacts daily functioning.·     Excessive worry can affect concentration, sleep patterns, productivity, and overall wellbeing·     Worry can also impact relationships, as anxious energy can be sensed by others, even if not explicitly expressed  Key Takeaways:·    Worry is the cognitive aspect of anxiety, involving thoughts focused on potential negative outcomes.·    Understanding the purpose of worry helps differentiate between productive and unproductive worry.·    Dysfunctional worry hinders problem-solving and resolution, and can have a significant impact on daily functioning.·    Excessive worry affects concentration, sleep, productivity, and relationships.·    Recognising what can and can't be controlled helps shift focus to actionable steps and reduces worry.·    Developing strategies to manage and regulate worry is essential for overall wellbeing.  Resources:•  Skills for Life: Dr. Lillian Nejad's online portal for mental health resources and programs - website•  Contain Your Brain: An app designed by Dr. Lillian Nejad to help reduce worry and improve worry management.Books by Dr. Lillian Nejad can be found here https://www.drlilliannejad.com/books Life blockersTreating stress and anxiety Relaxation techniques Life Skills for Leaders: Dr. Lillian Nejad's podcast discussing mental health in the workplace  About Lillian Dr. Lillian Nejad is a clinical psychologist with 25 years experience helping people with anxiety and stress. In addition to her private practice, she has founded ‘Skills for Life’, an online portal for mental health resources and programs that helps people build skills to manage anxiety, stress less and get some rest. Lillian has recently launched the app, Contain Your Brain, to help people worry less and worry better! She is also the author of two books about stress & anxiety and insomnia, she has recorded three collections of mindfulness and relaxation exercises and hosts the podcast, 'Life Skills for Leaders' about mental health in the workplace. Lillian is also an Australian Open superfan, sports photographer wannabe & a passionate supporter of the arts. Websiteswww.containyourbrain.com  For info and resources to help you with worrywww.drlilliannejad.com  Skills for Life programs & resources to help you manage anxiety & stress, and get some rest   Insta@containyourbrain@drlilliannejad connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Mentioned in this episode:Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/