This Complex Life

Sex and disability. Two words most people still find uncomfortable in the same sentence. I sat down with sexologist Casey Payne to talk about what we get wrong, why pleasure belongs to everyone regardless of how their body works, and what it actually looks like to reclaim intimacy after disability, illness, or a body that's changed.Things DiscussedWhy disability and sexuality are both taboo and what happens when you put them togetherRedefining sex beyond intercourse and why that matters for anyone whose body has changedThe orgasm gap and why around 90 per cent of women can't orgasm through penetration aloneHow carers and parents can support sexual autonomy without having every conversation themselvesPractical ways to start reclaiming pleasure after illness, injury, or chronic health conditionsHow to find a sexologist in Australia and what to expectChapter Timestamps[00:00] Sex and disability: why this conversation matters[03:00] Redefining what sex actually is[06:30] Body image and who sex is for[09:00] The orgasm gap and sex toys as tools[13:00] Carers, parents and adult sexuality[18:30] How sex education lowers abuse risk[22:00] Reclaiming sexuality after disability[26:00] Starting with pleasure, not sex[28:00] What sex education should look like[29:30] How to find a sexologist in AustraliaResources and LinksThe Body Is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor, includes a workbookThe Orgasm Gap by Karen GurneySex Education on Netflix, seasons 1 and 2 recommendedSociety of Australian Sexologists: sexologist.org.auPleasure Pixel professional development course for support workers: pleasurepixel.com.auFree resource on getting comfortable talking about sex: marievakakis.com.au/time-to-get-comfortable-talking-about-sexKeep the Conversation GoingDownload the free resource at marievakakis.com.au/time-to-get-comfortable-talking-about-sexGot a question about sex, intimacy, or relationships? Submit it at forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 and it might feature in a future Ask Marie episode.If this episode resonated, share it with someone who might need it. A rating on Apple Podcasts helps more people find the show.Guest InformationCasey Payne is a sexologist specialising in sexual health, disability, and intimacy, with a professional development course for support workers and other resources for adults at pleasurepixel.com.au.About the Showhttps://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/https://www.linkedin.com/in/marievakakis/https://www.youtube.com/@marievakakisfacebook.com/marievakakisconsulting

The ick in dating, it’s that moment where someone does something completely normal, and your whole body just shuts down. A 2025 study found that 64% of people have felt it, and about a quarter ended the relationship because of it. It is a real psychological phenomenon, and it might be telling you more about yourself than the person across the table.This episode covers:What the ick actually is and why it happensRed flags versus superficial triggersHow shame, projection and avoidant attachment show up as the ickWhether we are being too picky in the wrong ways and not picky enough in the right onesWhat to do when the ick shows up in your relationshipResources:If you want to move from reacting to reflecting, download my Conflict & Connection Guide to help you navigate those moments of disconnect.https://marievakakis.com.au/working-with-conflict-in-couples-therapy/https://www.huffpost.com/entry/guys-things-women-do-ick_l_65fdc42fe4b087dad305664b

Have you ever had a reaction to your partner that felt huge?Like a ten out of ten response to something small?You are crying over coffee.They are confused.You are both thinking, what just happened?It makes sense that this feels confusing. Most couples are not fighting about the present moment. They are reacting from something older.In this episode, I explore how your wounded child shows up in adult relationships, why conflict can feel bigger than the situation and how attachment patterns keep couples stuck in the same loop.This is not about blame. It is about understanding the pattern.In this episode I cover:• Why small arguments turn into big emotional reactions• How childhood needs for safety, soothing and validation shape adult conflict• What anxious and avoidant attachment can look like in a fight• Why you get louder and they shut down• What secure conflict actually feels like• Practical steps to pause, name your needs and respond rather than reactYou are not broken for reacting strongly. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling that. Often, if it feels hysterical, it is historical.The goal is not to erase your wounds. The goal is to make sure they are not driving your adult intimacy. Resources:If you want more support, download the Conflict Guide and start noticing your patterns with compassion and clarity.https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

If you keep having the same argument with your partner, it might not be about the topic at all. Often, it is not about the dishes, the plans for the weekend, or who forgot to call back. How you fight, well, that could be based on your attachment style. In this episode, I’ll explore how anxious and avoidant attachment styles show up during conflict and why they can create painful cycles that feel impossible to escape.I’ll share what I see as a couples therapist and what you can do about it. Conflict with a partner activates something deep in our nervous system. Suddenly, we are not calm, rational adults. We are reacting to old attachment wounds. One person escalates, the other withdraws, and before long, the original issue is forgotten while the emotional storm takes over.In this episode I’ll explain how these patterns form, why they make sense from an attachment perspective, and most importantly, how couples can begin to break the cycle.In this episode you will learn:• Why couples repeat the same arguments over and over• How anxious and avoidant attachment styles trigger each other• What happens in the nervous system during relationship conflict• Why silence can feel dangerous for one partner and safe for the other• The difference between taking a break and stonewalling• How to communicate needs clearly during heated moments• Practical scripts to help repair after conflict• Why repair is more important than getting it rightResources mentioned:Working with conflict course: https://marievakakis.com.au/working-with-conflict-in-couples-therapy/ Download guide: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/ Couples therapy sessions at The Therapy HubIf this episode resonates, share it with your partner or a friend and start the conversation.ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

So many couples say the same thing when they come to therapy. We probably should have talked about this earlier. Not because of one big issue, but because of all the small conversations that got pushed aside.In this episode, I’m sharing five relationship topics that come up again and again in my therapy sessions. Things like how to talk about personal goals, navigating money and shared responsibilities, defining sex and intimacy, managing expectations as life changes, and naming the fears that quietly shape how we show up with each other.What we coverThe conversations couples often avoid that lead to disconnectionWhat to talk about before starting study or changing routinesWhy money triggers old patterns, and how to talk about them togetherHow to define sex and intimacy in a way that works for both of youExpectations around parenting, roles and who does whatHow fear shows up in silence, frustration or resentmentMentioned in this episodeRelationship Refresh Workshop (on demand)Sex and Intimacy Conversation Starter GuideTherapy sessions at The Therapy HubENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Sharing good news with your partner should feel connecting. Yet for many people, moments of success can quickly turn into hurt or tension when the response feels flat, awkward, or dismissive.In this episode, I respond to a listener question about getting a promotion and feeling unsupported by their partner. I unpack three common reasons this happens and what is often going on underneath the surface.This is not about someone being uncaring or selfish. It is about different emotional languages, family histories, and unspoken fears colliding in the same moment.What this episode exploresWhy celebrations matter differently to different peopleHow family culture shapes responses to successWhy promotions can trigger shame, fear, or disconnectionHow money and identity influence reactionsWhat to say when a moment goes wrong and how to slow the conversation downWhen good news turns into conflict, it is rarely about the achievement itself. It is about meaning, expectations, and what has not yet been said.ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6 Mentioned in this episode:Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Why won’t my partner communicate with meIt’s one of the most common questions I hear in the therapy room and it’s usually coming from someone who feels shut out, unheard or like they’re carrying the emotional load on their own.In this episode of This Complex Life, I’ll share what’s often really going on when communication feels blocked, when you keep fighting or arguing. Because most of the time, it’s not about a lack of words. It’s about emotional safety, overwhelm and patterns that quietly shut conversations down.I talk about emotional flooding, the communication patterns that make things worse instead of better, and how the way conversations start can set them up to fail before they even begin. I also explore how what we learned about conflict growing up still shapes how we show up in our relationships today.You’ll also hear practical questions you can ask that invite reflection instead of defensiveness, and small shifts that can help you feel more connected without escalating into another fight.In this episode, we exploreWhy communication problems are rarely just about talkingEmotional flooding and shutdown and why it feels impossible to stay presentThe Gottman Four Horsemen and how they show up in everyday conversationsHow criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling block connectionWhy timing and tone matter more than being rightHow family of origin shapes your comfort with conflictQuestions that help you understand each other instead of escalatingIf you’ve ever thought we just don’t communicate anymore, this episode is for you.ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6 Mentioned in this episode:Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Do you want to feel closer to your partner, but feel unsure how to bring it up?Many couples care deeply about each other and still drift apart. Life gets busy. Conversations become practical. Emotional connection fades quietly. Not because people stop trying, but because the harder conversations get avoided.In this episode, I talk about why relationships drift even when there is love and good intention. I explore why low conflict is often mistaken for connection, and why avoiding check ins can slowly create distance.I also share three simple questions I use with couples that help change the tone of conversations. These questions focus on understanding rather than blame and can be used straight away.If you are feeling disconnected and do not know where to start, this episode offers a calm and practical place to begin.In this episodeWhy couples drift without realising itWhy love alone is not enough to stay connectedHow avoidance shows up in well intentioned relationshipsThree questions that help couples check in and reconnectENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6 Mentioned in this episode:Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/

Have you ever found yourself thinking my partner is not the same person I fell in love with.Maybe you still care deeply but something feels off.Conversations go in circles.You keep fighting about the same thingsOr you feel lonely even though you are still together.This is a pattern I see often in my work as a couples therapist. Most couples want the same things. Connection. Safety. Feeling valued. Where they get stuck is in how they try to get there.In this episode of This Complex Life, I walk you through five common patterns that show up when couples feel disconnected over time. This is not about fixing your partner. It is about understanding what is actually happening underneath the surface when two people who care start missing each other.Feeling disconnected does not automatically mean you have outgrown each other or chosen the wrong person. Often it means the relationship has not been updated to match how life and people have changed.In this episode, I share the 5 common mistakes I see people make. • Why relationships can feel harder as life gets fuller• How unmet expectations quietly create distance• What happens when both people are trying but still missing each other• Why assuming they should just know leads to resentment• How criticism and contempt creep in without you noticingIf you are feeling stuck, confused, or wondering what happened to the closeness you once had, you are not alone in this. Some of this is uncomfortable and that is okay. Understanding the pattern is often the first step towards repair.Tired of going round in circles with your partner?Relationship Refresh is a practical couples program that helps you stop the blame game, communicate better and feel like a team again.👉 marievakakis.com.au/for-couplesIf things feel more stuck and you need deeper support, you can book an Intensive Couples Therapy session with me through The Therapy Hub👉 thetherapyhub.com.auStruggling to talk about sex, desire or intimacy without it getting weird or shutting down?Download my free guide How to talk about sex, desire and connection: https://mailchi.mp/marievakakis/a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacyConnected Teens https://marievakakis.com.au/connected-teens/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6 Mentioned in this episode:Join me live Jan 28th for the Relationship New Year Reset https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/