Therapist Uncensored Podcast

Attachment today In today’s episode, Sue Marriott and Ann Kelley provide an overview of the Modern Attachment – Regulation Spectrum – a model developed to integrate the varied attachment research, relational neuroscience, and the impact of culture & context. In this episode, they discuss what they call BAMA and the 3 R’s, which will come out in more detail in a book they’ve been working on for, well, quite awhile – so they just tell you the ideas here. 🙂 They also dig into attachment theory, internal working models, and states of being versus personality structure as they relay some of what they’ve learned in the past 5 seasons. It’s a packed episode to summarize some of the 5 years this podcast has been produced. Note: This podcast is a labor of love, and our patrons keep us free of corporate ads – thank you. We don’t sell anything except this course below on the attachment spectrum, which we created due to many requests. We aren’t here for a profit, just to keep up with production costs so if you can’t afford it, just contact us and tell us what you can pay. We want everyone to have access that wants it. And, we need to support production of the show, so thanks for any support, shares, reviews or what we’d really love – to also join as a patron. Attachment Spectrum Course Ok, Sue and Ann developed this a while back and need to update it. However, it is power-packed course that goes into much more detail than they could on the podcast – it’s 4 hours! long. If you want to dive deeper into this topic, sign up by clicking below, and use OURCLAN as a discount promo code. For therapist, 3 CE hours are available. https://therapistuncensored.com/courses/its-not-me-its-my-amygdala/ You can’t change your unconcious internal models unless you recognize them. BAMA – Biology, Attachment, Maps, & Adult Attachment BAMA refers to the developmental unfolding of what has been called attachment. This represents the developmental unfolding of what eventually we call adult attachment. Biology – we have a nervous nervous system that requires an older, wiser nervous system to help us feel safe. Polyvagal theory, affective co-regulation, mirror neurons and the 7 circuits of emotion are all online from birth, adjusting and responding to our environment. Attachment- the first A refers specifically to infant attachment research. Think John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth – or pre-dating them think of Konrad Lorenz and his geese, and Hary Harlow and his monkeys with their wire mothers which demonstrated we need more than milk, or food, to survive. We need a relationship. The Strange Situation was an original research instrument that validated Bowbly’s ideas and recognized the categories they later termed as Insecure-Avoidant, Secure, Insecure-Preoccupied and Disorganized Attachment. Maps are formed when patterns are established based on repeated experiences of the child’s biological drive for emotional safety. Neural wiring forms to effectively create safety from 6 months to 3 years, and behavioral strategies develop from this basic biology to keep the caregiver close and available. The key here is “available” – some parents are fine being close but should their infant appear distressed or upset with them, they defend, avoid and reject the “needy” baby. That, my friends, makes them emotionally unavailable, so the toddler learns quickly what to do and what not to do to keep the caregiver open and responsive. In this case that may mean repressing expressing negative emotions, pushing away needs, and doubling down on the value of self-reliance. This reduces the unconscious threat in the parent, thus keeping them as available as the toddler can make them. Notice though the whole drive is to create as much closeness as possible, and the internal working model, or map, helps navigate the way. These maps, also called internal working models, are the key to change. They set us on a trajectory of development that becomes self-reinforcing – if I see the world as unsafe I behave accordingly and thus make the world less safe which confirms my original hypothesis. Or, I see the world as just fine but myself as unlovable and undeserving, thus I look for evidence supporting this worldview and unconsciously co-create the very experience I most fear. Rejection and abandonment closely follow because while we think we are seeking closeness, our grabbing and not allowing ourselves to be soothed actually causes us to eventually be rejected, the exact thing we unconsciously predict is going to happen anyway. Adult Attachment, Finally the last A in BAMA. This represents us, now. We are all grown up on one hand, but we carry forward our shaped nervous system, behavioral strategies, and unconscious maps to navigate the relational world. We love, fight, bond, mate, and parent from the trajectory of the BAM in BAMA – Biology, Attachment and then Maps, or a

On this podcast we’ve covered a ton about attachment and relational neuroscience, and today we continue to apply these ideas to specific therapies. Emotionally Focused Therapy, a specific approach to couple’s therapy, will be described both personally and professionally. Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP and Camille Scent, Ed.S., LPC, LMFT discuss using EFT in working with couples and how it is different than other closely related therapies. Scent is an expert in this area and has found a way to integrate and explain polyvagal theory as it intersects with this form of couples therapy. Apply ideas from attachment and polyvagal neuroscience to Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT). Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) was developed initially by Sue Johnson 30 years ago and it is considered by many as the gold standard in tested, proven intervention for couples. The International Center for Excellence in Emotionally-Focused Therapy (ICEEFT) connects 70 centers around the globe. Our guest today is certified by ICEEFT and is an EFT supervisor for therapists in training. Apply the neuroscience from polyvagal theory to a specific therapeutic approach called Emotionally-Focused Therapy. Who is Camille? Camille Scent, Ed.S., LPC, LMFT, is a Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist & Supervisor. She maintains a private practice just north of Atlanta, GA, Wise Heart Families, where she works with couples and families and provides supervision for therapists learning/practicing EFT. She is also a board member for the Atlanta Center for EFT. Camille is also a long-time loyal supporter of Therapist Uncensored via Patreon, and we thank her from the bottom of our hearts. In plainspeak, she’s super smart and has a lot to offer, so if you want to learn more, need couples therapy – a little or a lot – or need EFT supervision – give her a shout! Even high-conflict couples can get closer by focusing on the emotion between them rather than only the content. In this episode: Therapist personal experience in couples therapy using EFT How emotion heals Sue Johnson & development this therapeutic technique Where to focus in couples therapy to heal the relationship – it’s not on content that’s for sure! IFS – Internal Family Systems Therapy The attachment & neuroscience connection — see paper below If you want to study the theory or find an EFT therapist – resources below Resources: Polyvagal Theory & the EFT Negative Cycle,by Camille Scent – full paper at this link The Atlanta Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy (ACEFT), founded by Certified EFT Trainer Michael Barnett, ED.S., LPC, offers training opportunities in Emotionally Focused Therapy, serves as a connecting point for therapists learning/practicing EFT, and maintains a membership directory of EFT trained therapists and EFT workshops for couples & families. The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT) was founded in 1998 by Dr. Sue Johnson and her colleagues in Ottawa, Canada. ICEEFT is the organizational body that designs and approves training programs related to Emotionally Focused Therapy, certifies EFT therapists around the world and conducts both process and outcome research studies on EFT. Find an Emotionally Focused Therapist – ICEEFT’s searchable, international directory of therapists trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy Dr. Sue Johnson – personal website for the developer of EFT Resources more specifically for couples/families: “Demon Dialogues” handout – From Sue Johnson’s website, a quick overview/introduction to the most typical patterns couples get stuck in Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love book by Sue Johwwwnson Hold Me Tight Workshops – International listing of Hold Me Tight programs (based on the book) offered by EFT trained therapists Hold Me Tight online program – do it yourself online version of Hold Me Tight Hold Me Tight/Let Me Go – Workshop developed by EFT Trainers Nancy & Paul Aiken that focuses on relationship enhancement for parents and children. Specific variations are offered for adolescents, young adults, and adult children. (They also offer training for therapists.) Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships book by Sue Johnson Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy for Dummies by Brent Bradley and James Furrow Books for therapists: Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families by Sue Johnson, Ed.D. Stepping into Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Key Ingredients of Change by Lorrie L. Brubacher, M Ed, LMFT, Certified EFT Trainer Emotionally Focused Family Therapy: Restoring Connection and Promoting Resilience By James L. Furrow, Gail Palmer, Susan M. Johnson, George Faller, Lisa Palmer-Olsen (all EFT Trainers) Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with Trauma Survivors: Strengthen

Body-based therapy is important because there is no difference between the mind and the body. Our Patrons linked us with the guest for this show – check them out here! Bioenergetic therapist Dr. Robert Coffman joins co-host, Dr. Ann Kelley, for a conversation on body-focused therapy. Learn more about the interplay between our nervous systems and how it all relates to attachment and trauma. We are diving into body-focused therapy today thanks to one of our patreon’s, who recommended this expert. In today’s episode join co-host Dr. Ann Kelly and Dr. Robert Coffman’s conversation on using the body to heal the mind. This therapy has been around for over 100 years but it is still not commonplace in a lot of therapy practices. “The trauma is stored in a part of the brain that’s not accessible with language.” Body-focused therapy is old. William Reich published Mass Psychology of Fascism in 1933 and in 1936 was excluded from the International Society of Psychoanalysis. Nonetheless, Reich’s ideas inspired the development of several branches of body psychotherapy, including bioenergetic analysis, biosynthesis, and Hakomi, to name a few. Today, body psychotherapy is practiced in many forms by therapists around the world. Associations such as the European Association of Body Psychotherapy (EABP) and the United States Association for Body Psychotherapy (USABP) oversee the field of body psychotherapy and offer training to interested professionals. Dr. Robert Coffman joins co-host Dr. Ann Kelley for a discussion on body-focused therapy. Body mind brain what is the difference? Your body can determine how you are feeling internally, and you can enhance and limit your progress based on how your body positioning. Freud was able to see depression in someone’s chest. You can see signs of being closed off in the body position even when someone believes that are open to connection. Who is Dr. Robert Coffman? Robert Coffman has been practicing clinical psychology for over 45 years as a relationally oriented somatic psychotherapist in California. He was trained as a humanistic psychologist under the guidance of Dr.Carl Rogers, then as a psychoanalytically oriented psychologist working with Dr. Althea Horner, object relations teacher, and then as a somatically oriented psychotherapist under the tutelage of Bioenergetic trainer Dr. Robert Hilton. Dr. Coffman has integrated object relations theory, deep attachment work with somatic practices from Bioenergetic Analysis, Somatic Experiencing Trauma Work, and Bodynamic Body Psychotherapy. He is an international trainer in Bioenergetics for the IBA and has been doing individual and group supervision for 40 years. Dr. Coffman specializes in shock and developmental trauma working primarily with adults. Learn about therapist uncensored Those who truly understand body-focused therapy don’t need to hear the story, they can see it working on your physical body. Robert Coffman episode details: Why the body needs to be brought into therapy. What muscular holding patterns are. How the body has reflexive responses to situations. Preventing dorsal vagal shutdown in children. The Body Doesn’t Lie. How posture impacts our mental state. The ability to feel emotions in your body, and using the body to work through them. When you work with the body, transference changes. How our body stores energy and emotion. The profound impact of realizing how your body relates to the deeper meaning Panic Attack is just a label for different things that are happening in the body. You can diffuse that energy. Resources: Links: Dr. Coffman provided a scan of some important pages of The Field of Body Psychotherapy What is BioEnergetic? https://www.bioenergetic-therapy.com/index.php/en/ https://www.bioenergetic-therapy.com/index.php/en/ba-resources/awarded-articles Bioenergetics: The Revolutionary Therapy That Uses the Language of the Body to Heal the Problems of the Mind by Alexander Lowen. Books Dr. Coffman Suggested For Different Levels: If you are into and involved in doing body psychotherapy of any kind: The Handbook of Body Psychotherapy and Somatic Psychology (950 pages) edited by Gustl Marlock and Halko Weiss If you are thinking about bringing the body into your existing talk therapy practice: Body Psychotherapy by Nick Totton Body Psychotherapy edited by Tree Staunton Body-Centered Psychotherapy by Ron Kurtz About a Body edited by Jenny Corrigall and others If you’re already doing some body-informed interventions ( mindfulness, neurologically informed stuff, EMDR, Brainspottin, etc.) but not Body Psychotherapy, then look at these books: Body, Brain, Love: A therapists workbook for Affect Regulation and Somatic Attachment. by Karen Rachels Body Process by James Kepner Emotional Anatomy by Stanley Keleman Relational Somatic Psychotherapy by Robert Hilton In an Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine Embodied Relating by Nick Totton Healing the Fragmented Sel

“Insight is the boobie-prize of therapy,” Lori Gottlieb in today’s episode. There are many misconceptions and stereotypes about therapy. In today’s episode join co-host Sue Marriott and Lori Gottlieb’s discussion and get a fast-take on how to use the experience to best get what you actually need. “We are unreliable narrators of our own story. The parts we DON’T see are the ones that can help us the most.” Loro Gottlieb joins co-host Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP for a discussion on the behind-the-scenes look at what therapy really is. In her NYT best-selling book, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, Lori shared stories of several patients – including herself- and tells her own story about seeking therapy and what she learned. She helps people understand how to solve their own problems, understand their behavior and actions, and tap into their “inner knowing” whenever they need it. Too often people expect the therapist to just give them the solution but therapists actually wants to give people the tools to solve their problems as they come up. She shares her approach to therapy today, but also really gives us some background on how important it is to understand that we are telling our own story, and we have the agency to be able to change that narrative and use that to face down the issues in your life. People go to therapy to unlearn themselves. Who is Lori Gottlieb? Lori Gottlieb is a powerhouse, and we are so honored to have her on the show. She is a psychotherapist and author of the New York Times bestseller Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, which is currently being adapted as a television series. In addition to her clinical practice, she writes The Atlantic’s weekly “Dear Therapist” advice column and is co-host of the popular “Dear Therapists” podcast produced by Katie Couric. She contributes regularly to The New York Times and many other publications and in 2019, her TED Talk was one of the Top 10 Most Watched of the Year. A member of the Advisory Council for Bring Change to Mind, she is a sought-after expert in media such as The Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS This Morning, CNN, and NPR’s “Fresh Air.” People go in circles and end up in the same place, but they don’t understand their role in the story might be quite different than they expect. Lori Gottlieb episode details: Being a therapist and also a human, breaking down the wall between the two. How you may be an unreliable narrator in your own story. Why it’s important to understand and know that how you present your story – focusing on the process not the content. Why the role you think you have might NOT be your ACTUAL role. We have a choice in how we respond to issues and people in our lives. “The most effective therapy is a rich human connection,” Lori Gottlieb talking with Sue Marriott. Resources: Visit her website: LoriGottlieb.com Grab her book, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Check out her Podcast, Dear Therapists Her column, Dear Therapist in The Atlantic Don’t miss her writings in The New York Times!   Haven’t gotten enough of therapy and therapists? https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu62-the-luv-doc-dating-and-relationship-advice-from-the-trenches-with-dan-hardick/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu67-a-practical-technique-to-calm-and-confidence-with-guest-richard-hill/   Don’t forget, you are invited to join our Patreon. It offers so much extra content, like book clubs, study groups, but it also helps us keep the podcast running ad-free! We’d love to see you there.   Enjoy this episode: Tweet about this episode for others to listen too!

Is what we call attachment security yet another form of privilege? Gulp. If you are marginalized and feel you can add substance to this conversation of class, race, culture, and attachment, please contact us! We can publish your written word, highlight your work, pass on your perspective or potentially… have you on as a guest. We and our incredible audience want to listen and learn. With deep respect for the scholars, clinicians, and scientists that have cumulatively developed one of the most solid lines of empirically supported psychological theory in human history, we trust that these are questions those who came before us have previously welcomed and would continue to encourage. By definition, we cannot know what is unconsciously affecting our perceptions, interpretations, and experienced-based assumptions. Implicit bias is real though, and it is our absolute responsibility to vet it out and question what we think we know. Our deep hope is that the re-examination of this line of exploration serves to refine, add dimension and thus embolden attachment theory, not diminish it. Given what those of us in the dominant cultures are only slowly consciously realizing, it is extremely hard to see what we don’t perceive. Questioning one’s relationship with parents can be offensive to some, and not having enough humility and shame can be detrimental in some cultures, ie. the opposite of insecurity. Working to escape our embedded cultural and experience-based assumptions about what constitutes maternal sensitivity, security and human attachment disorder is not an act, or a podcast, or a moment, but a permanent stance. It’s a WEIRD problem (Western, educated, industrialized, rich and developed) and has perpetuated marginalization and exclusion of those that are different. Don’t underestimate the impact of class, culture and race. In this episode, Sue Marriott and Ann Kelley continue to explore how class, culture, and race impact the path of psychotherapy, especially when it comes to attachment. They discuss how socioeconomic status (SES) by itself affects human development, (non-gendered) patriarchal assumptions, cultural variations especially related to individualistic versus communal cultures, epigenetics of racial violence and child development impacts of First People’s cultural annihilation, By 2 years of age, the simple fact of income disparity is a huge factor affeting the total surface area of your brain (more is better). The less reliable income or family wealth, the greater the statistical difference. Complex language exposure and stress are huge variables, and teasing apart that and attachment science is complex. They discuss patriarchy, racial inequality, collectivist versus individualistic cultures, poverty and class – HUGE topics that we too often change check-out lines to avoid awkwardness and the fears of saying the wrong thing or offending someone. Sue and Ann chose to mess up, unintentionally offend and feel scared and insecure in their words for the greater goal of engaging in conversation and stimulating thinking on how Western white wealthy privilege impacts attachment science and our views on healthy child development overall. NOTE: As the hosts of Therapist Uncensored we are middle-aged, educated, white, cis-women. We both mostly identify as gay but can pass even when we don’t mean to. Even though we like to see ourselves as outsiders, we are decidedly not. We are wealthy relative to the world, have the massive privilege of the mic for a Top 10 show on iTunes with almost 2 million downloads so our voice is ridiculously and undeservedly amplified over other voices. We hope to use our privilege to share the science of relating to those who would otherwise not ever have access and to amplify voices and perspectives that might otherwise not be heard. We love our collective community of professional mental health providers but don’t limit our programming to therapists only because we know healers come in all forms and not everyone has access or desire to getting letters behind your name. If your voice has been marginalized and feel you can add substance to this conversation of class, race, culture and attachment, please contact us – we can publish your written word, highlight your website, discuss your work, or potentially have you on as a guest. We and our audience want to listen and learn. EVEN MORE Resources on class, culture and race: Parenting and Preschooler Attachment Among Low-income Urban African American Families by Barnett et all https://div12.org/keeping-culture-in-mind-mentalizing-from-a-cross-cultural-perspective/ Is Attachment Theory Consistent with Aboriginal Parenting Realities? Raymond Neckowaya, Keith Brownlee, and Bruno Castellana https://fncaringsociety.com/sites/default/files/online-journal/vol3num2/Neckoway_Brownlee_Castellan_pp65.pdf APA Deep Poverty Initiative Challenge: https://www.apa.org/about/governance/president

Overcoming fear to gain connection. There is hope for us all – no matter your attachment history, there is hope for change with relationships when we conquer our fear. In this episode, Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP shares a specific case about an awkward goose named Felicity. She first heard Feli in a paper entitled A Felicitous Meeting of Attachment and Relational Psychotherapy Daniel N. Stern. The original article was written by H Fischer-Mamblona, both of which are linked in the Resource section. This has been a helpful story to some who feel rather awkward themselves. We hope you enjoy the story, thank you for your incredible work Dan Stern. About On the Evolution of Attachment-Disorder Behavior by H Fischer-Mamblona Using an example of a goose which grew up in complete isolation, this article shows how escape behaviour increases through all its developmental steps by lack of a sufficient secure primary attachment object. If a gosling has no mother, its fear influences wide parts of its behaviour and blocks the capacity to approach another animal in order to form a new attachment. But the urge for attachment is still alive and provokes strong conflicts between this urge and fear. In these situations displacement activities and apathy occur–attachment-disordered behaviour. Under partly artificial circumstances, a change to ‘normal’ attachment behaviour took place by reduction of escape motivation, which enabled the goose to accept her brood. From this moment on the attachment-disordered behaviour, the displacement activity and the apathy disappeared. Implications to human behaviour are drawn–a comparison between displacement activity and neurotic symptoms, the state of apathy and personal disorder. A synthesis of ethological and psychoanalytical models concerning etiological and therapeutic aspects is discussed. Fear and attachment, not aggression and sexuality–our ‘animal heritage’–are the primary factors which influence our development. The balance of fear and attachment is the basis for a healthy or unhealthy development of social relationships. This applies to social living animals as well as to humans. Find more content on the relational sciences at https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes TU 117: Resilience and Trauma with Dr. Bruce Perry Daniel N. Stern wrote The Interpersonal World of the Infant: A View from Psychoanalysis and Developmental Psychology, which challenges the traditional developmental sequence as well as the idea that issues of attachment, dependency, and trust are confined to infancy, Stern integrates clinical and experimental science to support his revolutionizing vision of the social and emotional life of the youngest children, which has had spiraling implications for theory, research, and practice. Resources: On the Evolution of Attachment-Disorder Behavior – H Fischer-Mamblona The Interpersonal World of the Infant: A View from Psychoanalysis and Developmental Psychology by Daniel N. Stern – Amazon | Bookshop.org A Felicitous Meeting of Attachment and Relational Psychotherapy – Daniel N. Stern   Haven’t gotten enough of the rich content from Therapist Uncensored? https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu31-attachment-on-a-spectrum-navigating-adult-insecurity-and-security/ Tweet

The Intersection of Narcissism & Abandonment. Four bricks to a narcissistic relations: Fear, Hope, Guilt and Lack of Knowledge. Is narcissism related more to preoccupation or a dismissing state of mind regarding attachment? You may be surprised. Learn more about the science of narcissism, abandonment and it’s relationship to attachment theory. Dr. Durvasula shares her deep study into these dynamics and her experience-based wisdom on working with those struggling with it as well as those in relationship to those who have high narcissistic tendencies. If you enjoyed our podcast series Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities, then you are gonna love this episode – it only deepens and expands on the ideas presented there. See #6 of our 6 part series on Holding Your Own in Challenging Relationships. Dr. Ramani Durvasula joins co-host Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP for a discussion on breaking down narcissism and abandonment. Sue found Dr. Ramani accidentally in a video she stumbled upon where she was a consultant to Will Smith in The Red Table Talk Takeover. The video was about responsibly confronting a difficult relationship. She is an excellent clinician that brought professionalism and deeper insight into a high-impact Hollywood story such that helps the public appreciate mentalization and the skills involved in managing difficult relationships. There are presentations of narcissism that are post-traumatic, but there is also narcissism that comes from over-indulgence. Cringe… both neglect and too much attention? Don’t worry, we will explain how to hit the right note here. Who is Dr. Ramani? The focus of Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s clinical, academic and consultative work is the etiology and impact of narcissism and high-conflict, entitled, antagonistic personality styles on human relationships, mental health, and societal expectations. She has spoken on these issues to clinicians, educators and researchers around the world. Her work has been featured at SXSW, TEDx, and on a wide range of media platforms including Red Table Talk, the Today Show, Oxygen, Investigation Discovery, Bravo, and she is a featured expert on the digital media mental health platform Med Circle. To be clear, Dr. Durvasula’s is not just psychologist for Hollywood. Her research on personality disorders has been funded by the National Institutes of Health and she is a Consulting Editor of the scientific journal Behavioral Medicine. Dr. Durvasula has also been a participant in the governance of the American Psychological Association, and most recently as the Chair of the STAY-MHSAS Training Advisory Committee of the Minority Fellowship Program. Most attractive to our audience, who let’s say … values authenticity, is that she has been described as “brutally honest” when it comes to calling out incivility and selfishness in relationship. If narcissists are so confident why are they afraid of abandonment? Trust us – it’s a driving force. Episode details on narcissism and abandonment: Dismissing states of mind and preoccupation in relationship to attachment and self-centeredness. How narcissists mirror rather than empathize and why that matters so much. (This is a good way to discern what you are dealing with and to check yourself.) Four main bricks of a narcissistic relationship. The 90 / 10 rule in narcissistic relationships, a great Dr. Ramani idea and suggestion! Self-awareness in relationships – how to cultivate self versus other focus. If you are the one with narcissistic tendencies – thanks for digging into this, that is very cool! What to do. (Remember to also check out Therapist Uncensored series on Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities, referenced above.) Healthy narcissism. Diagnosis concerns & personality disorders. Core behaviors of those with high narcissism. Help for those in relationship with those highly involved with themselves. 🙂 How the educational systems can foster narcissism. We spend 90% of our time on difficult people, leaving only 10% for the good ones. Switch the math! Resources: https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/NPI/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/guide-better-relationships/201908/insecurity-narcissism-and-the-culture-victimhood “Don’t You Know Who I Am”: How to Stay Sane in the Era of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility. Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist, http://doctor-ramani.com/contact/ Her series with Jada Pinkett Smith & family on the Red Table Talk series – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHHWgG7dB6A   Haven’t gotten enough of learning about challenging people? https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu111-navigating-narcissistic-relationships-gaslighting-manipulation-and-grandiosity-called-out/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu105-narcissism-what-is-going-on-under-the-defense-with-sue-marriott-and-ann-kelley/ https://therapistuncensored.com/ep

The Essence of Trauma-informed Therapy & Trauma-informed Parenting Harness the power of neuroscience. For parents and for therapists treating children and adults – learn more about the science of trauma and what heals. We are human, and we do have trauma, but maybe we need to look at being focused on relationships, connection, and curiosity about why this is happening. This discussion looks at how the connection is a biological imperative, and we’re always working towards building a relationship. Therapist Robyn Gobbel, LCSW joins co-host Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP for a discussion on breaking down the hardest parts of relationships and parenting. Robyn’s shares insights into the essence of trauma-informed therapy. She has developed online communities, as well as a podcast, all about helping parents who are dealing with these specific issues in practical application. We hope that her creative solutions will help you. Trauma-informed parenting is about connection. We need to focus on what it means to be human Who is Robyn Gobbel? Robyn Gobbel, MSW, RPT-S, loves coffee, P!NK, and everything about the brain. Once (recently!) her teenager went ballistic on her for getting ANOTHER (glitter!) coffee mug in the mail. Robyn loves cultivating deep, resonant connections with anyone who is up for it, as well as teaching anyone who will listen to harness the power of neuroscience so they can cultivate deep, resonant connections. What would change in the world if we could all do that? To see, be with, feel, and deeply know each other…and ourselves. Robyn thinks everything could change. Conversation includes resources on trauma-informed therapy and trauma-informed parenting: Changing how to provide mental health care to families. The importance of regulation AND connection. Working on a book about personal trauma healing The importance of understanding the relational neurobiology of being human. The importance of community for parents dealing with dysregulation and behavioral issues. Reducing the shame factor in much of trauma-informed therapy. Treatment of trauma-based behavioral issues. Virtual online clubs for parents who are struggling. Regulated, connected kids feel safe. Connected parents regulate by parenting in a way that feels “right”, not by following a technique. Resources on therapy and parenting kids with trauma: Robyn has free resources on her website https://icowellness.com/ Why do I get so dysregulated? Check out Robyn’s podcast Online Club for Parents Haven’t gotten enough? https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu27-raising-secure-children-with-guest-tina-payne-bryson/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu53-complex-trauma-and-managing-dysregulation-with-guest-robyn-gobbel/ Tweet

Attachment Through the Lifespan – Leading attachment researcher Dr. Alan Sroufe shares the summary of his (and his team in Minnesota) decades of research looking at attachment though life. They followed individuals from birth through infancy and toddlerhood, to school age, adolescence, early adulthood and now parenthood. This is important because it helps us understand the essence of what attachment is measuring, and how to cultivate security no matter what age you are or what background you come from. Dr. Sroufe is an internationally recognized expert on early attachment relationships, emotional development, and developmental psychopathology and has published seven books and 140 articles on these and related topics! —- Attachment through the lifespan – learn the science behind the longest study ever conducted on attachment Dr. Alan Sroufe’s new book summarizes decades of attachment research – A Compelling Idea, How We Become the Person’s We Are (2020). It’s part memoire, part history of attachment science – and it’s great for our audience because it brings the findings of this ground-breaking longitudinal research on how we become ourselves in one succinct place. The Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation began in the early 1970s, initiated by Byron Egeland as a study of a large cohort of mothers living in poverty. In the 1970s and early 1980s, empirical attachment research had been primarily pursued by Ainsworth and her students. The research group led by Alan Sroufe and Egeland was important in providing a second pillar to hold up the paradigm from the 1970s to the present. The Strange Situation was conducted with the sample by Sroufe and his graduate students Everett Waters and Brian Vaughn. Early work by the research group documented the role of caregiving in shaping patterns of attachment in the Strange Situation, and also the capacity of infant attachment patterns to predict later social competence and mental health. Sroufe and Egeland created an ‘electric atmosphere’ in their research group, as they provided the first longitudinal evidence of the implications of attachment relationships.1 Students described their ‘imperturbable optimism’, ‘wisdom about human nature’, and ‘compassion’ as important qualities in the creation of the atmosphere, along with the sense of contributing to meaningful and cutting-edge developmental science.2 They were a great stabilizing and integrative presence for the field of attachment research. Though Egeland and Sroufe have now retired, research with the Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation has continued. Other episodes you may enjoy: Ep 117 with Dr. Bruce Perry discussing trauma and resilience Co-host Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP and Dr. Sroufe discuss his reflections – both personal and professional. It is rare to get to sit at the hearth with such an important contributor to the field but you get just that – we encourage you to get the book, sit back and listen to the podcast and learn from the very source. Dr. Sroufe is Professor Emeritus of Child Psychology in the Institute of Child Development at the University of Minnesota and he has been an Associate Editor of Developmental Psychology and Development and Psychopathology. His awards include the Distinguished Scientific Contribution Award from the Society for Research in Child Development, the Bowlby Ainsworth Award for Contributions to Attachment Research, the G. Stanley Hall Award for Distinguished Scientific Contribution to Developmental Psychology from Division 7 of the American Psychology Association, an Honorary Doctorate Degree from the University of Leiden, and the Distinguished Teaching Award from the College of Education, University of Minnesota. Conversation includes: Guiding question behind Sroufe’s ongoing 1974 study Why is change difficult? Negative expectations can result in off-putting behavior Chronic early stress and early predictors Positive relationships with teachers reported for those with secure attachment backgrounds The importance of a supportive relationship as a predictor Those with secure history who experience bad times don’t lose their secure history “Earned” secure attachment and its neurological intricacies Importance of being able to turn to someone, giving and receiving support, legacies of attachment   Resources: A Compelling Idea, How We Become the Person’s We Are (2020) by Alan Sroufe The Development of the Person The Minnesota Study of Risk and Adaptation from Birth Through Adulthood by Dr. Alan Sroufe et al. Hey neuronerds wanting to know more – here is a great link to a PDF summarizing the study and is well worth the read – Minnesota longitudinal study of risk and adaptation – chapter 4 To reach Dr. Sroufe Dr. Sroufe’s CV Lessons from the Minnesota Longitudinal Study Clinical Application of the Adult Attachment Interview Edited by H. Steele & M. Steele Haven&#821

Learn more about your relationships no matter what, but if you happen to be a therapist, dig into learning more about couples in therapy. Every couple has its ups and downs, but it’s easy to think that your relationship is uniquely challenging. Experts in couples therapy and a couple themselves, Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson join co-host Sue Marriott to discuss what most people get wrong about working with couples, and how to help get it right. Together, they’ll dive into the dos and don’ts of couples therapy, from the perspective of the therapist and the patient. Who are Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson? Dr. Ellyn Bader is considered by many to be the preeminent expert in couples therapy training. Together with her husband, Dr. Peter Pearson, they created the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, and literally wrote the book on marital therapy. Peter Pearson, Ph.D., and his wife, Dr. Ellyn Bader, founded The Couples Institute in 1984. Both have now helped literally thousands of couples in their work. Pete and Ellyn have been featured in over 50 radio and television programs including The Today Show, Good Morning America, and CBS Early Morning News. They have appeared on NPR and been quoted in publications including The New York Times, Oprah Magazine, Business Insider, Redbook, and Cosmopolitan. Their popular book, Tell Me No Lies, and In Quest of a Mythical Mate has been of critical help to many couples. What’s the point of couples therapy? The Holy Grail of couples work is really just trying to help couples differentiate together, instead of just individuating on their own. What do we mean by that? Put simply, tensions and difference doesn’t have to be scary and separate, but can instead be exciting. Most fights are, at their core, power struggles. It’s often framed as “I want you to change to accommodate me” and vice versa. To grow and change, they need to shift their focus away from winners and losers, but instead towards the WE. The key to couples getting there, is helping each person really own their own stuff. Importantly, can we take responsibility without shame for our own role in each conflict. What generates change in relationships? There are three things that really get couples to change their behavior Desperation or crisis – whether it’s a medical emergency or a natural disaster, having an external purpose or focus can generate really quick and in depth communication Negotiation – often the most common thing we try and do as couples, “I’ll change X if you change Y” is often the shortest lived and also hardest to make stick Inspiration – is there something compelling enough or exciting enough about the future to inspire a change What role do therapist play? There’s no substitute for having years of experience as a couples therapist. Specifically, if you’re looking for a new couples therapist, make sure to interview them and really find a place and a person that will be right for you. It’s also important to remember that the therapist isn’t there to take anyone’s side. Again, couples therapy is about finding and holding your own accountability. You need to be prepared to do the work on your own side to make your relationship grown and expand. You might also enjoy: https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu121-the-purpose-of-relationships-redefined-during-quarantine-with-stan-tatkin/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/holding-your-own1-messy-but-secure-relating/ RESOURCES: Ellyn and Peter’s website contains all kinds of interactive materials and blogs. A must see! https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/   Need CEU’s?? We’ve got you covered, use OURCLAN for 10% off – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala – Advanced Course Connecting the Sciences of the Mind to Everyday Relationships FOUR hours of quality content and 3 CE’s available to professionals. Since you are this deep into our show notes, then you are indeed one of our peeps and thus invited to be part of our clan GET 10% off this signature course by using code OURCLAN! – To get more of this kind of in-depth discussion with quality content and real-world healing – join us on FB where you can find more of your peeps. Join our Neuronerd Patreon community at http://www.patreon.com/therapistuncensored for as little as $5 per month. Join us now. Now offering reading/study groups exclusively for our patrons.  

Dive into hook up culture, locker room talk, and the modern shifts in youth sexual behavior and health. Peggy Orenstein, NYT best-selling author, unpacks her new book “Boys and Sex” with co-host Ann Kelley. In this peak behind the curtain of the experience of young male sexuality, we’ll see how boys struggle with the conflicting needs of the conquest narrative of sex and their own internal understanding of pleasure and vulnerability. Her book was written about both cis and trans men, and covers the whole spectrum of sexual orientations, backgrounds, and experiences. Who is Peggy Orenstein? New York Times Bestselling Author of “Boys and Sex” and “Girls and Sex” Named one of the “40 women who changed the media business in the past 40 years” by The Columbia Journalism Review Her TED Talk, “What Young Women Believe About Their Own Sexual Pleasure,” has been viewed over 4.9 million times Frequent writer and contributor for The New York Times, NPR, Good Morning America, and many other talk shows What’s to learn? Through her research and conversations with young men Orenstein learned two major things That boys are ready and willing to have honest, blunt, and insightful dialogues about their sexuality and the way they understand sex That nobody really asked them about it before, that adults weren’t talking to them about what a full healthy sexuality looks like The recognition of emotional and physical vulnerability in sex allows us to discover something deeply personal about ourselves, and young men and boys are often intentionally cut off from those feelings and experiences. Both through societal norms and expectations as well as pornography. What can we do to help change the culture around sex? Sex discussions should include more than just consent, according to Shafia Zaloom in “Sex, Teens, and Everything in Between.” Sex should be legal, ethical, and good. To help achieve that in the next generation, Orenstein outlines at the end of her book a set of the kinds of conversations you can have with your children to promote connection, compassion, and empathy in their sex lives. Some other recommendations Orenstein has for how to shift “locker room culture” Coaches can bring in programming on sexual health and behavior Friends taking friends aside, away from the large group, and have one on one talks about their behavior Recognize that it will be a challenge but know that it isn’t impossible RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: “Boys and Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity” by Peggy Orenstein “Girls and Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape” by Peggy Orenstein “Sex, Teens, and Everything in Between: The New and Necessary Conversations Today’s Teenagers Need to Have About Consent, Sexual Harassment, Healthy Relationships, Love, and More” by Shafia Zaloom “Masks, No Kissing, and ‘a Little Kinky’: Dating and Sex in a Pandemic” by Tara Parker-Pope “Sex in the Time of Coronavirus” by Elizabeth Bernstein “American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus” by Lisa Wade Need CEU’s?? We’ve got you covered, use OURCLAN for 10% off – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala – Advanced Course Connecting the Sciences of the Mind to Everyday Relationships FOUR hours of quality content and 3 CE’s available to professionals. Since you are this deep into our show notes, then you are indeed one of our peeps and thus invited to be part of our clan GET 10% off this signature course by using code OURCLAN! – To get more of this kind of in-depth discussion with quality content and real-world healing – join us on FB where you can find more of your peeps. Want even more than that? Join our Neuronerd Patreon community at patreon.com/therapistuncensored for as little as $5 per month. Join us now.

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – take away’s from our series on staying (or becoming) secure in relationship with those with challenging personalities – DEDICATED TO OUR PATRONS!! Session 6 of 6 – What if it’s you that is the challenging one… and other take away’s on challenging personalities. Let us help you change your internal security and grow secure functioning relationships. This episode is dedicated our to our private community of Patron Neuronerds. Here is a smattering of some of our most special elves whom have been with us since the very beginning!! They give from $1 to $25 per month and jumped in at the first chance to support us AND have stuck with us!!! THANK YOU TO Kathleen Geiger, Isaac Marsolek, Jacalyn Brecher, James Baker,Carys Adultman, Claire Holberton, Camille Scent, Kirill Eremenko, Sonya Richardson-Thomas, Ashley Cruz, Michael Hilgers, Becki Mendivil, Linno Rhodes, Lorie Ammon, Deb, Donna Woods, Pat Spencer, Jeffrey Benzick MD, Judy Kamara, Leanna, Bobbi Blain, Megan Smith, Tyra Butler, Amy Groessl, Theresa Tenney, Kathryn Antenbring, Sarah Lazarewicz, Julie Carbaugh, Sally Mounir, Anonymous … and so many many more who joined forces since that first moment. You guys are our backbone. You can find more of our current Patrons here (we have almost 200)! We thank Platinum and Gold Neuronerds on our website. We don’t usually include our actual transcript but what the heck, we are gonna try it this time and see if it’s useful to anybody. Unedited transcript of the show Episode notes – HYO Challenging Personalities: What if it’s you that is the difficult one? How to change – Insecurity begets defensiveness – so anything we can do to lower our defenses, realize we most likely aren’t ACTUALLY under attack, and work towards safety inside ourselves and cultivating safety in our close others. Much of the episode is devoted to this topic, these show notes will focus on resources in general. We mention being raised by difficult parents but that’s a big topic for another time so we put in some resources for ya down below. For EVERYBODY – we can all improve our listening skills: Listen and repeat it back so they other person says “yea, that’s right” The trick here is not to assert your own agenda. It’s not your turn, just listen. Ask questions to help them get their story out in full, or to get their pain out there so you can bear witness DON’T CORRECT or explain yourself yet. Validate where you can do so authentically – try to find even 1% of what they are saying where you can join the person talking. It does NOT mean you agree with them. This is ninja warrior stuff, it’s not easy and rookies get this WRONG. Comfort, soothe them. Not just once. Not angrily, TAKE THEM IN, bear witness and let them feel you with them. Do this UNTIL you feel them release and soften. Again, rookies stop short and then don’t get it when the listening doesn’t help. CAVA — Clarify, ask question, validate where you feel it true and if appropriate, apologize LUV – Listen, Understand and Validate where you can authentically For EVERYONE – we bet we can all also improve our self-regulation skills RAIN Tara Brach Review, Reflect, Rewire Self compassion and Kristen Neff – see previous episode here. Ann and Sue give several personal examples of what this looks like and support you in knowing your own truth, claiming it and living your best life possible. Research/links on challenging traits Voicing the Victims of Narcissistic Partners: A Qualitative Analysis of Responses to Narcissistic Injury and Self-Esteem Regulation Volume: 9 issue: 2, Article first published online: April 28, 2019; Issue published: April 1, 2019 Ava Valashjardi1, Kathy Charles1 1Edinburgh Napier University, UK This article is distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 License (http://www.creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) which permits any use, reproduction and distribution of the work without further permission provided the original work is attributed as specified on the SAGE and Open Access pages (https://us.sagepub.com/en-us/nam/open-access-at-sage). Empathy and self-boundaries Judith Jordan PhD PDF “Can narcissists be moved to show empathy?” 2014 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Hatfield, E., Bensman, L., Thornton, P. D., & Rapson, R. (2014). New perspectives on emotional contagion: A review of classic and recent research on facial mimicry and contagion. Interpersonal: An International Journal of Personal Relations, 8, 159-179.   Resources – We packed these shownotes today with resources just for you!! Covert narcissism scale Don’t believe online tests in general, but for fun you can see how you score on covert narcisissm. Psychcentral has personality quizzes – some are validated scales adapted

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – staying (or becoming) secure in relationship with those with the most severe sort of personality structure – malignant narcissism. Session 5 – Staying safe with those with high psychopathology or malignant narcissism Accusations are their confessions. In this episode learn why we elect, promote, excuse and love those with malignant narcissism and its tendencies. Sort out the other forms of self-involvement, psychopathology and anti-social traits from this dangerous personality structure. Sue & Ann finish out their series on Holding Your Own with Challenging Personality Traits – this is session 5 of 6. Find more here www.therapistuncensored.com Five Points from Malignant Narcissism: We all have elements of self-centeredness and narcissistic traits. However, when it becomes more engrained into our personality structure, that is where the problems can arise. Narcissism, at its core, involves a sense of entitlement, exploitation and extreme self-focus that loses touch with one’s ability to see the needs of others. Grandiose and covert narcissist can become so self-involved that they can completely dismiss others in extremely painful ways as discussed in our previous episodes. However, they generally continue to hold relationships in value. Their primary difficulty lies in the tendency to idealize and devalue, which often leads to feeling misunderstood and mistreated. Thus, they can lack guilt because they often see themselves as right or the victim to injustice. However, when they do discover that they have wronged someone, they can feel significant guilt and shame. In malignant Narcissism, there is a general void of guilt and shame. Instead, there is a combination of antisocial traits, paranoia and vindictiveness that often leads to acting out in intentionally harmful ways. In Malignant narcissism the value placed on others is primarily based on utility – what others can do for them. The relational aspect is void. They do not have access to guilt of felt shame. This has been cut off. Malignant narcissist expects extremely loyalty at all costs. Loyalty to them, not to ideals. If you are with me you are with me! If not, you are against me. This type of thinking leaves open rational for retaliation and extreme vendictivness. One way to know if our relationship, family, company or country is being run by a malignant narcissistic ruler, is to recognize that those under them are in a constant state of fear and threat of the disloyal “other”. In many countries across the world, including the US, we have found ourselves and our nervous system in a constant state of threat and fear. This divides us. The “other” is a source to mistrusted to be fought against. One sign of a malignant narcissist is the cool and coldness with which they can seek revenge in a calculating manner. If you are in a relationship and you see signs that he/she justifies revenge for mistreatment, that is something to take not of, especially if this revenge is sought with a sense of pleasure at the suffering of the other. If in a relationship with someone that has malignant narcissism, there is little hope of change. The focus must be for you to protect yourself, seek support and safely get out of the relationship. They may use their sense of loyalty and disloyalty as a weapon to keep you in. Remember, loyalty should never involve fear of retribution. As we finish out this series, we know you now have a good understanding of some of the challenging styles to engage in relationship and we’ve saved the toughest for last. In this episode we sort out the difference between self-centeredness, narcissism, anti-social personality and malignant narcissism. This series builds on itself so we recommend that you listen to the previous sessions first before jumping into this episode, but if that isn’t your cup of tea, then by all means, the episode will be solid on it’s own. To start at the beginning & hear the previous episodes in the series click here: Session 1 (Messy but secure), Session 2 (grandiose narcissism), Session 3 (covert narcissism) or Session 4 (borderline traits) Power dynamics in this form of narcissism Difference between anti-social characteristics, psychopathy and malignant narcissism. Differentials between the types of narcissism – keys regarding how to discriminate between covert grandiose and malignant. Hallmarks – vindictiveness malice & cruelty Warning to therapists – empathy can be a sign of weakness not connection Intense initial courting may be a foreshadowing of control. What does shame and guilt have to do with how challenging personality traits show up? Projected relationality as the bridge to staying trapped Knowing your truth The biology of threat and induction to passively follow a “strong” leader Resources – Hey friends – we know most of you aren’t in this situation but if you are we

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – staying (or becoming) secure in relationship with those with those with “borderline” traits Session 4 – Staying secure in connection with borderline or highly reactive responses When does sensitivity cross the line into clinical reactivity? Borderline traits, or those with highly reactive personalities, are another common challenge in relationship that we might need support to navigate well. Today’s episode sees co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott unpack high reactivity through a caring and developmental approach. Together, they discuss how these dynamics and traits arise, what they look like, and what we can do when we find ourselves in relationships with them. Find more here www.therapistuncensored.com/episodes Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott have launched a new series titled “Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities.” Together, they’ll sort out the differences between the various forms of narcissism – grandiose, covert and malignant, as well as look at what has been called borderline traits. The goal of this series is to bring you the skills and practices that help you ground and stay in your secure self no matter what is swirling around you. This series builds on itself so we recommend that you listen to the previous sessions first before jumping into this episode, but if that isn’t your cup of tea, then by all means, the episode will be solid on it’s own. To start at the beginning & hear the previous episodes in the series click here: Session 1, Session 2, and Session 3. High Reactivity (or borderline traits) Neurological implications Especially women historically have been harmed by this label. It takes the treating professional off the hook and blames the patient. However now we know a lot more of what to do how to treat it. Better technology. It’s not moral. To be clear, these people aren’t just being dramatic or “overreacting.” In their felt experience there really is a crisis happening. Most commonly, this happens when someone is overly trusting or attached, and then perceives a loss or abandonment due to mismatched perspectives. Without doing normal tracking of the situation they can perceive a change or even as happening all at once in a big way. In this way, individuals with high reactivity experience two different types of self that flip back and forth quickly, an idealized experience and a de-valued experience. This can often express itself through deep and dramatic mood swings. Sometimes even this can result in self-harm, or threats of self-harm. So what can you do about borderline or high reactive personalities? As with all things, stay focused and centered. It won’t help anyone if you blow up in response to someone else’s panicked reaction. In fact it will only escalate the situation and cause everyone to go into a highly defense state. That being said, attune to yourself, ask yourself what this experience is evoking in you? Recognize that their reaction is hard on you, and then recognize them. Don’t lose yourself in trying to appease them or hold them. Try and return to honest communicate. Attune to each other and take everyone’s pain or fear seriously. Remember, this is not just a silly or “ridiculous” overreaction but instead a real felt experience that they are having. You’re not going to let someone abuse you or disrespect you, there’s definitely a limit that you’re going to have. But at the same time, it’s important to have a bit of thick skin and comfort and care for the other person. Remind both yourself and them that this experience you’re having together right then isn’t all that there is to a person, or a relationship. Nobody fits in a box! In this series we set the stage and call out pathological use of labels and diagnosis. We begin with secure but messy relating and then wade into the various traits that can become personality based on degree.   Resources “Get Me Out of Here” by Rachel Reiland This is an excellent book although it’s older, a first-hand account of the healing trajectory written by woman who identifies as borderline. Fascinating and hopeful… recommended read. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201909/the-drama-loving-borderline   Skills Training Manual for BPD Marsha Linehan Affect Regulation…. Peter Fonagy et al Traumatic Narcissism the Relational Systems of Subjugation by David Grey Attachment Disturbances in Adults Comprehensive Treatment & Repair(2016) Dan Brown and David Elliott (This is Sue’s favorite textbook on attachment currently) This is not our first rodeo, see these previous episodes on the subject: TU105: Narcissism – What’s Going on Underneath the Defense? TU107: Our Powerful Fascination with Narcissism in the Era of Trump OK friends if you have found the bottom of these shownotes then you are people. Find us on

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – staying (or becoming) secure in relationship with those with covert narcissism. Session 3 – Staying secure in connection with one kind of narcissism: covert narcissism When does self-consciousness and self-reflection cross the line into self-preoccupation? Covert narcissism is also called thin-skinned, vulnerable, depressed or closet narcissism. It’s a real thing but unlike grandiosity, it’s quite hard to spot! Think about it – if you feel when you walk in a room everyone is looking at you – admiringly or judgmentally, either way – that is a narcissistic fantasy. Today’s episode follows the other side of grandiosity. Find more here www.therapistuncensored.com/episodes Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott have launched a new series titled “Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities.” Together, they’ll sort out the differences between the various forms of narcissism – grandiose, covert and malignant, as well as look at what has been called borderline traits. The goal of this series is to bring you the skills and practices that help you ground and stay in your secure self no matter what is swirling around you. This series builds on itself so we recommend that you listen to Sessions 1 and 2 first before jumping into this episode, but if that isn’t your cup of tea, then by all means, the episode will be solid on it’s own. To start at the beginning & hear the previous episodes in the series click here: TU132 HYO Session 1 Messy but Secure Relating and TU133 HYO Session 2 Grandiose Narcissism. Covert Narcissism It has so many different names: vulnerable, thin-skinned, depressed narcissism… it’s a real thing but unlike grandiosity, it’s quite hard to spot! That’s why they call it “covert.” Sometimes, somebody in the corner that looks like they’re avoiding and shunning attention can make us focus our attention on them. There is an ability to be very loud while staying very quite. What’s the difference? Why are they both called Narcissism? Covert narcissism is something many of us can relate to – super self-conscious about imagining everyone judging us – negatively. Yet it’s still special, just negatively special. We all do that at times but it’s a matter of degree – how self-centered and self-focused are we? All narcissism is about our relationships with shame. For grandiose narcissism, shame is projected out into other people. But in covert narcissism, shame is being pulled in from all around us as another form of being exceptional. Because of the way covert narcissism uses shame, it is also sometimes called depressed narcissism. So what’s the difference between depression and covert narcissism? Depression is often an utter depletion, a flatness in your body where you feel empty, but still have a sense of self. Simply put, it’s you that’s bad. Cover narcissism on the other hand pushes those feelings outward, and often losses the sense of self. It’s more of a feeling of bitterness and like something was done to you. Simply that it’s the world that’s bad to you. Often, this is associated with achievement. A covert narcissist might thinks they must be the most attractive in the room, and if they aren’t that, then they are at the bottom of the pile. They’ve tied their sense of self and their self-esteem to the approval of others. This really comes from how we’re valued through our development. If we’re valued because of what we can bring to someone else, it’s really hard to feel the development of a true sense of identity. Instead, a covert narcissism unconsciously needs to bring the negative attention towards themselves to create rescue ie attention, thus providing a sense of worthiness. Sounds odd we know, but it’s true. They are highly sensitive to rejection and overly personalize – there you can see the narcissism, it’s all about them and their injury. How can you tell you’re dealing with a covert narcissist? If you’re being used to maintain someone else’s self-esteem that signal of narcissism in general. If not getting filled by that extension, there is a desperate sense of emptiness right below the surface. Importantly, a covert narcissist can often come across as the victim which can initially bring out a lot of sympathy. Really ask yourself, how many people are in this relationship? Are you orbiting the other, walking on egg shells? In a relationship with a covert narcissist you can really lose your own sense of self and own identity. You can become afraid of celebrating your success, or feel the need to downplay an achievement of yours in order to not upset your partner. If you start to hold yourself the other person may feel threatened at the differentiation. What can you do in the face of covert narcissism? Most importan

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – staying secure in relationship with those high in narcissistic, borderline or anti-social traits. Session 2 – Staying secure in connection with one kind of narcissism: grandiose narcissism Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott have launched a new series titled “Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities.” Together, they’ll unpack how to navigate strained relationships during and after this pandemic. The goal of this series is to bring you the skills and practices that you can use right now to get to secure relating and if not that, helping you ground and stay in your secure self no matter what is swirling around you. If you want to start at the beginning, listen to the first in the series: TU132 HYO Session 1: Messy But Secure Relating Grandiose Narcissism Today’s episode breaks down one of 3 types of narcissism, and later in the series they will address the other kinds. There’s always a judgement, even if the verdict is positive, there is an evaluation happening. Difference between self-aggrandizing moment and more problematic self-oriented relating – one is environmentally influenced, the other is just the way it is, always. You value people for what they can do for you, it’s a transaction noi a real relationship. Trouble with: Apologies Gratitude Greek version of the myth: Narcissus, was the son of River God Cephisus and nymph Lyriope. He was known for his beauty and he was loved by God Apollo due to his extraordinary physique. Narcissus was once walking by a lake or river and decided to drink some water; he saw his reflection in the water and was surprised by the beauty he saw; he became entranced by the reflection of himself. He could not obtain the object of his desire though, and he died at the banks of the river or lake from his sorrow. According to the myth Narcissus is still admiring himself in the Underworld, looking at the waters of the Styx. Narcissistic Extension This is when we have learned to support the other person’s ego by giving them what we know that they want. As kids we get highly skilled at reading a scene, knowing the unspoken and responding as wished. This is part of what causes the injury to the self, because in the midst of all that, where the heck are You? If a child turns to their own needs and that parent feels that as a Break and is activated by it, it’s suddenly unsafe to tune in to their disapproval or distance. So we’d rather give ourselves up than lose our connection. Defenses in Grandiose Narcissism Idealization and devaluation – to be close you tend to be in one of these spots, and they can flip really fast. It’s an outward expression of assumptions they may be making about themselves and their own value. Shame core but not conscious. Narcissistic supply – people are used to fill you up but then are expendable. They may report high self-esteem and low neuroticism because they don’t carry a lot of conscious internal conflict. The conflict – if any – is interpersonal which is WHY IT’S IMPORTANT TO HOLD ON TO YOUR SECURE SELF. Holding on to Secure Self Take a deep breath, and whatever you do… Don’t project relationality into someone non-relational, it’s bad for both. See them as they actually are, and that can be painful. It’s courageous though, and the beginning of taking your evaluation of what you are getting from this person and what you need. Don’t put up with demeaning, devaluing or abusing you. Standing up to them can be dangerous in various ways, but for now we will focus on relational / emotional danger. There is a feeling of threat to differentiate, and you might get cut off, but having a Self is the only way to move it into a more secure relational dynamic. Otherwise they have no incentive to change because internally they see themselves doing pretty dang good. Disabuse them of this delusion. Hold you, also hold them, and stay strong. You may have to protect their ego and face save, but that’s ok if you are moving from a one-down to a shared mutual position. Help them let you up and share power, initially at least. The 3 signs of hope: The person recognizes what they are doing is a problem. They see the negative effect on the other and sincerely want to change that behavior. They will ACTIVELY do the HARD WORK to change the problem behavior. Hopeful or not, you say: 1.Yeah, I am sarcastic and yell too much for your liking, so what, that’s just me. You knew it when we married. Get over it. 2.Yeah I see that you are sensitive and get your feelings hurt, and I really should try to be more careful with your sensitivity. But geez i’d like you to be less damn sensitive. 3.You are being ridiculous, look at what I do for you and this family. 4.Damnit I did it again, didn’t I? I said I’d ask your opinion before deciding and I didn’t. Let’s rewind, I’ll cancel it and let&

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – staying secure in relationship with those high in narcissistic, borderline or anti-social traits. Session 1 Can my messy and loud relationship qualify as secure functioning? It’s not that easy to tell. Most of us have never felt as uneasy as we all do right now. Maybe it’s your job or lack thereof, or your kids melting down trying to figure out school chaos with COVID, your significant other’s depression or anxiety, or trying to take care of your parents. But the stakes double-down if you are close to someone with a challenging personality. Don’t cringe, we aren’t going to over-simplify, pathologe or blame the other person. That’s the normal pop-psychology fare and it doesn’t help either party – the person googling to get help with strained and challenging people, or the person who mostly inadvertently makes it hard to be close. We use system thinking to look at everybody’s part, empowering you to consider and take the necessary actions to improve your circumstance. If we do this correctly, in the end you will understand yourself better, have a sense of how you got here, understand the other with clarity and compassion, and be ready to improve things. That may be a new energized focus on yourself, a safety plan, couples work or the courage to leave and stay gone. Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott have launched a new series titled “Holding Your Own.” Together, they’ll unpack how to navigate strained relationships both during and after this pandemic. The goal of this series is to bring you the skills and practices that you can use right now to make sense of yourself, and the people around you. In this way, we can build and maintain secure and healthy relationships and improve every aspect of our lives. Why a podcast series? Our normal episodes serve as great snack packs of information about a wide range of topics, but don’t often let us go into as much depth as maybe we could. We had originally planned to create a course on narcissism and healthy relationships that would really allow us to dig deep and unpack this all at a level that a regular podcast just wasn’t able to do. But given the nature of the content and the times we’re living in we decided to bring you all that course FOR FREE in the form of this new mini-series that we’re doing here at Therapist Uncensored! We’re still working out all the kinks on this new format for all of you so feel free as always to hit us up with any feedback on how this new format is working! Our plan is to release episodes much more frequently through the series and then go back to our every other week format. Nobody fits in a box! In this session 1 of the series we set the stage and call out pathological use of labels and diagnosis. We begin with secure but messy relating. What is secure relating? Secure functioning couples can look quite volatile or pretty chilly, so how do you know what is healthy working things out and when things turn more destructive? David Elliott and Dan Brown’s 5 conditions which build secure attachment. of a secure relationship, we’ll use the anagram PASSED. Protection: Does your partner, or whoever you’re in a relationship with, have your back? Not all the time or during every fight, but just in general. Attunement: Is your partner paying attention to you? Do you know their inner life and vice-versa? Are you aware of each-others mood states? Soothed: If you’re upset, can your partner comfort you? Are we calmed by the presence of our partners, or again whichever relationship we’re looking at? Support: Do each of you support each other in being your best selves? Can the relationship stand some differentiation? Does your partner help you grow in and of yourself? Expressed Delight: Do y’all like each other? Are you happy to see their car in the driveway when you get home? Dan Siegles 4 s’s reinforce this point Safe Seen Secure Soothed Discussed the 4 types of couple conflict validating volatile conflict-avoidant and hostile. Your relationship with any one person won’t stay in the healthy or unhealthy zone all the time. Instead it’s about finding and naming patterns of behavior, and trying to actively shift those patterns towards things thaSat we want. This episode is really about laying the groundwork for future episodes in this series, and introducing y’all to our new format. Stay tuned for more ASAP! Resources 5 Conditions that Promote Secure Attachment handout by David Elliott provided to Therapist Uncensored. Attachment Disturbances in Adults Comprehensive Treatment & Repair (2016) Dan Brown and David Elliott (This is Sue’s favorite textbook on attachment currently) Five conflict resolution styles in couples by John Gottman     https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu59-dismissing-avoidant-styles-of-relating-in-adulthood/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu60-preoccupation-in-relationships-sig

Together we can protect our hearts from freezing in bitterness, drowning in sorrow, lashing out in justified rage or worse, disconnecting. Fight the exhaustion that comes with relentless crises surrounding us now. Dr. Ann Kelley & Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP reach out to you directly during this time of crisis exhaustion and total burnout. Love & connection cannot be stopped by fire, storm, guns or people in temporary power. Our stress response system is done coping yet we have to go back to work. You may have kids that should be at school that are at home – probably acting out because they are thrown into virtual school (?!?) and that is enough for any adult to implode. You may have young adults that are supposed to be headed into the world that are circling in and out, trying to find their way yet you can’t help them, where do you point? You may have vulnerable family you can’t go see to comfort, friends you have drifted from without normal social exchanges, despondency due to our world on fire. For many, you may have intense family cut offs due to political polarization at a time we need each other and our kin. Honestly ya’ll life sucks right now and people are doing what they do when they regress and burnout. Sue and Ann come to you today with a huge virtual hug no matter who you are or where you are tuning in from. They are aware of their unearned privilege and don’t imagine they know what it’s like for the more vulnerable among us. These multiple world crises are hitting black indigenous people of color and young people especially hard. They are being hit from every angle – reduced access to healthcare, centuries of colonialism that leaves unseen trauma in communities that get passed down through generations. Many start with cumulative unrecognized trauma to their very bodies. This ignored pain leaves them more susceptible to multiple health concerns, so it’s no surprise that BIPOC are more vulnerable to serious stressors and consequences from current COVID 19. Regardless the results of the US election, the next climate storm or the next murder of unarmed people of color, most of us will have to wake up the next day and have no choice but to just have to go on. Alone, our hearts are collectively breaking. Together… there is at least a chance we can emerge with enough life to grab on to one another. Our nervous systems aren’t built for marathon-level stress events. Today’s episode is a small attempt at protecting your tender human heart from freezing in bitterness, drowning in sorrow, lashing out in justified rage or worse of all… just disconnecting. So, what is Therapist Uncensored podcast all about? We have fun translating the complex relational sciences and psychology into understandable and practical tools that can give you the power you need to uncover your best self. (Believe us, your people will be so happy.) We will help you understand how to update and reset your unconscious expectations of yourself and others. These changes can have life-changing impacts on your mind, your choice of partners, your parenting, your social relationships, your work life and how you interact in the world. Sounds too good to be true, but fortunately the science is very clear, and hopeful… and we want everyone to have access to it. Need CEU’s?? We’ve got you covered, use OURCLAN for 10% off – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala – Advanced Course Connecting the Sciences of the Mind to Everyday Relationships FOUR hours of quality content and 3 CE’s available to professionals. Since you are this deep into our show notes, then you are indeed one of our peeps and thus invited to be part of our clan GET 10% off this signature course by using code OURCLAN! – To get more of this kind of in-depth discussion with quality content and real-world healing – join us on FB where you can find more of your peeps. Want even more than that? Join our Neuronerd Patreon community at patreon.com/therapistuncensored for as little as $5 per month. Join us now.

People are profoundly bad at predicting their own attachment status, and if you are trying to do that you are headed in the right direction. 🙂 That sort of mindful inquiry is part of attachment security – learn more in today’s episode about what the Strange Situation can still show us. Learning about attachment can be scary – it’s easy to find the labels and grab & go, holding on to traits as an identity. Am I insecure? Is my partner? Oh my God I know I’m screwing up my kid!! In this episode, Bethany Saltman joins co-host Sue Marriott to bring you surprising good news. They explore her story of digging into the origianl attachment research that is captured in her new book, the Strange Situation A Mother’s Journey into the Science of Attachment. Together, they dive into the hidden history of attachment theory, what it means to be a parent, and how we can each become more secure. GIST: A scared non-therapist parent went on a journey to learn how to deliver the best for her child, but in the process uncovered so much that even most attachment-oriented therapists don’t know. Her tale brings Mary Ainsworth’s work to light and gets us back to the basics when it comes to promoting security. It all boils down to a few important things… Who is guest Bethany Saltman & why her? She can teach non-therapists and therapists alike a thing or two about attachment. Bethany Saltman is a writer, a communications director, and a mindfulness mentor. She’s a practicing Zen student, and a mother, which is what sparked her interest in mindfulness and attachment. While she doesn’t have a PhD or any fancy letters after her name, she is a great contributor to and promoter of attachment understanding and the fine art of paying attention. What is the Strange Situation? The Strange Situation is the original attachment research begun in the 1970’s conducted by Mary Ainsworth. She was a colleague of John Bowlby and the first to empirically test his ideas about attachment and bonding. The famous protocal basically involves the parent of a toddler ultimately stepping away leaving the child alone for a few minutes. Observers carefully observe the toddler’s reaction in a one-way mirror and are looking at the child’s reaction to the separation, their play and most importantly their reunion. The most important part of the Strange Situation is what happens when the parent comes back in the room. How long does it take for the child to calm back down? How does the child treat the parent who left? The answer to this array of questions turns out to be the foundation of the attachment categories. The Attachment Categories Most basically: Secure and Insecure. More specifically Secure, Anxious-Avoidant Insecure, Anxious-Ambivalent Insecure and later… Disorganized/Disoriented. Ainsworth’s student Mary Main confirmed her suspicion of the 4th category and went on to develop measures of attachment in adults that turn out to be related to those in childhood. Therapist Uncensored’s Sue Marriott and Ann Kelley have talked about the adult version of attachment using a spectrum rather than quadrants. They do this to help bring the research to life and make it practical for use in session and in the lay public’s real life. Listeners of the podcast will recognize this foundation in the Modern Attachment-Regulation Spectrum that helps see the interaction of attachment styles and regulatory states with one another. Ainsworth’s work validated Bowlby’s ideas in an observalbe way and really put his theory on the map. It has since been repeated prolifically – and is considered universal regardless of their socioeconomic status, national background, or parents parenting style. The good news People are profoundly bad at predicting their own attachment status, and if you are trying to do that you are headed in the right direction. 🙂 That sort of mindful inquiry is part of attachment security. So what can I do with the research? Surprisingly, the best way to help ensure your child has a secure attachment is to attune to YOUR OWN experience. Being able to be present, both with your child and with yourself, dramatically improves the way your child relates. As parents, we can’t give what we don’t have. We can’t be present with our kid’s needs and emotions if we can’t be present with our own. So learn to explore and probe and think deeply about your own messy feelings and experiences! Humans have complex emotions and reactions and that’s all natural. But trying to ignore or push off those messy parts will only make it harder to relate and connect with not just your kids but also the other adults in your life. Resources www.bethanysaltman.com TWITTER: @bethanysaltman INSTAGRAM: @bethany_saltman Guess what? Her book STRANGE SITUATION: A MOTHER’S JOURNEY INTO THE SCIENCE OF ATTACHMENT (with a Foreword by Dr. Dan Siegel) was named One of the Best Scienc

Love is not a soft feeling, it is “deep biology.” Oxytocin research pioneer Dr. Sue Carter joins co-host Sue Marriott to unravel the mystery of Sue’s favorite neuropeptide. You may have heard of oxytocin in the popular press, it’s often called that “love drug.” You’ll hear that t’s story is a bit more complicated than just that, as it also helps us protect and defend from intruders, and heals our body physically. Also learn in this episode about the intricate molecular dances of oxytocin and vasopressin. These dance with each other to fine-tunes social activities such as parental care and protection. They also helps us heal from trauma and come together after crises – so this is truly – powerful – medicine. Dr. Carter and Sue Marriott go through its origins, complex biological function, and most importantly – how to turn up natural oxytocin! Who is Dr. C. Sue Carter? Dr. Carter is a Distinguished University Scientist and Rudy Professor Emerita of Biology at Indiana University and is literally the person who originally discovered the important role of oxytocin. Forty years ago she embarked on a personal scientific journey that bridged together her interest in both biology and psychology, and now her work has been cited in over 25,000 scholarly articles. Recently, she has been examining the role of these neuropeptides in psychiatric and neurological disorders such as autism and depression. She shares in the episode that she is proud to be married to Dr. Stephen Porges, neuroendroconolgist who developed the Polyvagal Theory so popular these days among relational neurobiology informed therapists. What is Oxytocin? Oxytocin is a biomolecule and neuropeptide with an important role in childbirth, nursing, social bonding and social defenses. Most people know it as the bonding molecule in your brain. While it does do that, it’s also involved in all kinds of other biological processes. Oxytocin is used in our immune systems, for food intake, to heal wounds, and even prevent and treat cancer! You can understand it as a universal hardware, which our bodies can access with all different kinds of software. But what does it do? Often we think of oxytocin as just the chemical that helps connect parents and their babies. However, it has a much more complex function. Interestingly, its original function was to help us be social and connected to others. Specifically, it worked to build up the attachment between mother and child. In this way, oxytocin helps promote growth, restoration, creativity, and closeness. But that’s not all it does. Uniquely, it became a key part of our bodies stress response pathway. It began to be used to separate threats from non-threats. With this one little molecule, our brains would both connect with our family and defend us from outsiders. This happens because your body can sometimes misread the bonding signal, and perceive your situation as a threat to your loved ones. Of course that reaction then makes us want to be defensive and protect our family. Because of this paradox sadly, we can’t just put this little powerhouse in the water and make us all happier. Also unique is the way that it interacts with sex hormones in our bodies. Together, those different hormones can really change the way the body responds to oxytocin. So then how can we safely get more Oxytocin? The easiest way to produce more oxytocin is to be with an actually safe other. Our brains are primed to see babies and young animals as very safe, and often they are. Crucially, you can’t fake safety. Your brain can spot a fake smile with a blink! So it’s important to really be present and attuned to the person you’re with to help you both co-regulate. Turning towards therapy, if a client can genuinely feel safe with their therapist, then it can begin to do its own healing. Holding ourselves in that safe place long enough to move out of defensiveness and towards connection and warmth is key. And even though too much oxytocin at the wrong time could cause a defensive reaction, your body is really good at self-regulation. You protect yourself from too much of a good thing naturally from the main risks of taking oxytocin if it’s produced naturally. Resources Love as Embodied Medicine – open source article by Dr. Carter from the International Body Psychotherapy Journal The Kinsey Institute ebook Feb 20 V4 – 8449 The Biology of Love, Observations from the Kinsey Institute by Dr. Sue Carter Talks between Dr. Carter and Dr. Porges on Stephen Porges Website Dr. Carter talk on Love as Embodied Medicine Enjoyed this episode? You will probably be interested in these as well: TU Episode 93: Polyvagal Theory in Action – The Practice of Body Regulation with Dr. Steve Porges (clickable link) TU Episode 102: Finding Neurological Safety Through Relationships with Guest Bonnie Badenoch (clickable) TU Episode110: Story Follows State – Investigating Polyvagal

Skeptical of the buzz about psychedelic-assisted therapy? What if you could get the benefits of therapeutic psychedelics without ingesting any drugs?! Trey Ratcliff may have just the answer to non-drug, mind-expanding experiences that can help us heal. We’ve been interested in the resurgence of research but have been waiting a while to do an episode on psychedelic-informed therapies until we were confident about which we speak. 🙂 We are skeptical ourselves about something that is purported to be a panacea by some, but also very excited about the potential benefits the research seems to be pointing towards. Plus… anything consciousness-raising – official therapy or not – is a good thing. So, when Sue stumbled upon Trey Ratcliff’s Machine Elf creations we knew this was the way to begin the conversation with our audience. In this concluding episode of Season 4, co-host Sue Marriott is joined by photographer, artist, and consciousnesses-raiser Trey Ratcliff. They dive right into the exotic world of mind-enhancing experiences. This includes both psychedelics but also non-drug experiences that can bring the promising results that are emerging from carefully studied psychedelic research. Together they explore the history and effectiveness of drug-assisted therapy, address possible drawbacks, and attempt to explain what the mechanism is that can make these molecules so life-changing. Who is Trey Ratcliff? Trey Ratcliff is an artist on a mission to help spread consciousness and mindfulness to the world through photography and creativity. He has been an inspiration to Sue for years with his teachings about photography and life in general. He runs the #1 travel photography blog in the world, StuckInCustoms.com, where his photos have been viewed by 140 Billion (yes, B -illion) people. In addition to having the first and only HDR photograph to hang in the Smithsonian Museum, Ratcliff builds molecule-free psychedelic experiences using his background in Computer Science and Mathematics. Please do check out his work, you will be inspired. What counts as a psychedelic experience? Importantly, there are two types of mind-enhancing treatments. First: Drug-Assisted Here, a trained counselor or therapist monitors an experience in a safe environment Unlike other drugs, psychedelics aren’t just a form of escapism. They can help facilitate deep personal insight and growth. Currently, the FDA is in multiple Stage 3 and Stage 4 clinical trials of various psychedelic molecules. Ketamine is already in use and MDMA is on the fast-track for FDA approval due to the powerful therapeutic effects they are finding. Once those trials conclude, it is likely that this could become a widely available form of therapy, with other molecules to follow. Second: Drug-less Ratcliff creates art videos with custom binaural music that can be enjoyed alone, or for best results paired with an app called Tripp. With this app and VR goggles, you can immerse yourself in a true virtual reality experience that potentially replicates the benefits of psychedelics without requiring the drug. These videos are built with complex fractal patterns set to music and are designed to be an immersive experience. Surprisingly, research is emerging that these naturally induced experiences can produce similar effects to a drug-induced experience. It is being researched now, but these intense immersive intentional meditations may indeed be able to produce the same key calming and settling effects. There are other forms of such non-drug-related transformations such as deep breath work, sweat lodges, native rituals that expand our mind, and many others. What is the mechanism for the benefits that psychedelics provide? Trey Ratcliff and Sue Marriott discuss the 2 schools of thought on what is transformative about these mind-altering experiences. Is it the drug itself, or is it what the unconscious delivers when freed to communicate in another form to our conscious self? Why do we care about psychedelics? Importantly, psychedelic experiences can help us break out of our ego and connect with a deeper part of ourselves. Specifically, they can amplify and enhance our experience of consciousness. Our brains can work like ski slopes with deep ruts that we’ve built up over the years. A psychedelic experience can clear the path and help you think and express yourself in new ways. In this way, they can foster new relationships with ourselves and the world around us. Furthermore, years of data show that healthy psychedelic experience can be a short-cut for therapeutic treatment.   Trey’s Machine Elf Creations This is a see it to believe it bc it’s hard to describe. Check them out here – we like the softer, “nicer” one’s but if you let yourself experience a few of them they will draw you in, especially if you start with the prompted stories and let your mind expand with them. That is the Rorschach-part of the

Emotionally and behaviorally challenged children can overwhelm any parent or system. In this episode, we’ll go over where many parents go wrong, what we can do instead, and how shifts in our strategies can revolutionize our households. Learn the strategies of the Nurtured Heart Approach with expert guest, Elizabeth Sylvester. Dr. Elizabeth Sylvester joins co-host Dr. Ann Kelley as they unpack the 3 “stands” of the NHA approach for relationship-focused engagement with children and teens. We learn that with the right attunement, and a bit of practice, we can form new and deeper bonds with our children that result in long term behavioral and emotional changes. Learn more about real-life application of IPNB and the relational sciences in general by visiting us at TherapistUncensored.com Who is Dr. Elizabeth Sylvester? Dr. Elizabeth Sylvester has worked with children, teens, parents and families in the Austin area for 35 years. She is experienced with both inpatient and out-patient work, and has worked in non-profit, treatment center and private practice settings. Locally, she is known for the effectiveness of her work using the Nurtured Heart parenting approach. Also, she has extensive experience treating behavior disordered children, ODD, ADHD, adoption, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, divorce, and attachment. Over the past 15 years she has built her experience training and supervising pediatric psychotherapists. Dr. Sylvester is the co-founder and co-owner of Austin Child Therapy, a support service for child and family mental health practitioners, which provides advanced clinical training and other services to clinicians. Why the Nurtured Heart Approach? It is a framework for parenting that works to reclaim a relational energy with our children. With this approach it changes the emotional tone of the family. Also it creates a more cooperative and uplifting family environment. The Nurtured Heart mindset creates a deep internal security in the family system. It helps everyone in the unit regulate and reset their big swings in emotion to bring everyone together in a more complete way. Creating and celebrating the success of the children helps them have a full heartfelt ownership of their abilities and gifts. What is the Nurtured Heart Approach? This approach consists of three “Stands”: First, no energy with negativity. Instead of blowing up at a child when they do something wrong, the Nurtured Heart approach seeks to maintain a calm and clear correction. Maintaining a simple and low energy environment around mistakes helps ensure that the child can feel more trust and more connection. Second, high energy with positive encouragement. Whenever the child does something right, even small steps in the right direction, you can increase engagement and your energy. This helps the child really feel the presence of their own success. In this way, everyone learns that connection and engagement are all centered on positive behaviors and not negative ones. Third, total clarity about expectation. Just because we praise positive behaviors and give low energy responses to negative behaviors doesn’t mean we can’t be strict. The Nurtured Heart approach requires a consistent and predictable enforcement of the rules. In this way, the parent becomes a predictable and stable source of love and energy for the child. The Nurtured Heart Approach has been shown to be extremely effective in helping almost all children (and families), including those diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, and other high intensity behavioral, emotional and academic struggles. Families using this approach have been able to reduce their need for traditional child-centered mental health approaches and medical interventions. Where can you find more? “Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach” by Howard Glasser The Children’s Success Foundation Dr. Elizabeth Sylvester’s Website Related Episodes: TU38: The Blended Family – How to Create Strong and Lasting Step-family Relationships TU125: Dan Siegel and Tina Payne-Bryson – Parenting Under Stress

Discover an innovative program that delivers mental health care with proven effectiveness in low-resource settings, the Friendship Bench. It is so effective and deliverable, it has now spread world-wide. Researcher and program director Dr. Ruth Verhey and co-host Sue Marriott discuss this powerful community-based intervention, the Friendship Bench. Together, they explore the benefits and barriers to building a community-driven and cooperative approach to mental health. By looking at what makes it effective, we can begin to explore what makes therapy effective in general and learn from the need to strip away the “extra” that may not add value to mental healthcare. If you enjoy this one you may be interested in others we have published: Inspiring interview with Alphanso Appleton from Robertsport, Liberia discussing non-traditional therapy, click here: Episode 109 This is Resilience in Action Who is Dr. Ruth Verhey? Dr. Ruth Verhey is a clinical psychologist and EMDR consultant who focuses on creating and testing new models of mental health care delivery in low-resource settings. She is currently based in Harare Zimbabway where she co-directs the Friendship Bench, a community-based program which has been empirically proven to improve depression and common mental health disorders. Some of her research you’ll find below. What is the Friendship Bench? The Friendship Bench provides sustainable community-based psychological interventions that are evidence-based, accessible and scalable. It started in Zimbabwe as an attempt to enhance overall quality of life. Now it has grown and become a worldwide project. The concept is to build benches where anyone can come and talk through their struggles. The key is to provide them with individuals from their community who they can trust and really be heard by. Program development: Dr. Verhey and her partners trained what they call “Grandmothers” to sit and be present for anyone who needs them. These Grandmothers are lay healthcare providers and aren’t all women, but are often respected and elderly members of the community. Importantly, these Grandmothers and the Friendship Bench serve a therapeutic function. They work cooperatively with people in need and help build them up through a three step program. Steps: 1. First, they open up the mind. In doing so, they break down the barriers to change and challenge the stigmas associated with different mental health experiences. 2. Second, they work to uplift the people who sit with them. The Grandmothers work hard to make sure people can feel heard and felt. 3. Third, they strengthen their patients. When the Grandmothers give even small boosters, they remind people that they are there and that they matter. This helps to lay a foundational experience of belonging and support which helps people grow in the long term. It turns out – no surprise here if you think about it – the Friendship Bench didn’t just help the participants. The Grandmothers themselves also reported increased quality of life and lower rates of depression and anxiety. Helping others was key in building up their skills to help themselves. Really sitting and listening was healing in and of itself. Friendship Bench Research & Resources Website: www.frienshipbench.zimbabwe.org The TEDTalk can be found here. We encourage you to watch it. Really, it’s so inspiring! https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20181015-how-one-bench-and-a-team-of-grandmothers-can-beat-depression Effect of a Primary Care–Based Psychological Intervention on Symptoms of Common Mental Disorders in Zimbabwe A Randomized Clinical Trial 2016 Chibanda Journal of the American Medical Association Lay Health Workers’ Experience of Delivering a Problem Solving Therapy Intervention for Common Mental Disorders Among People Living with HIV: A Qualitative Study from Zimbabwe 2016 Chibanda Perceptions of HIV-related trauma in people living with HIV in Zimbabwe’s Friendship Bench Program: A qualitative analysis of counselors’ and clients’ experiences 2019 Verhey Looking for CEU’s?? We’ve got you covered, use OURCLAN for 10% off – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala – Advanced Course Connecting the Sciences of the Mind to Everyday Relationships FOUR hours of quality content and 3 CE’s available to professionals. Since you are this deep into our shownotes, then you are indeed one of our peeps and thus invited to be part of our clan 🙂 GET 10% off this signature course by using code OURCLAN! –

Bring attachment science to real-life, the Modern Attachment – Regulation Spectrum (and more) These notes (not the image itself) were updated and added to June 2021. Pausing the riches of the guest interviews, Ann Kelley & Sue Marriott are back to discuss what has changed in the attachment field. They share what makes it modern attachment, anyway, review the science, and discuss their Modern Attachment-Regulation Spectrum (MARS). They also cover best practices for getting through online therapy. Learn more at Therapist Uncensored www.therapistuncensored.com and get full shownotes here. This episode references the Modern Attachment Regulation Spectrum created by Therapist Uncensored. Find out more about that in Episode 31 below. https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu31-attachment-on-a-spectrum-navigating-adult-insecurity-and-security/ Episode 126 Show Notes: Why learn attachment theory? Backed by over 70 years of clinical research in animals and people, founded and organized originally by seminal scholars like John Bowlby, Mary Main, Mary Ainsworth, Pat Crittenden, and a BOATLOAD of other researchers and clinicians working on developing and fine-tuning attachment science. At its core, attachment theory is the study of how the child attaches to the primary caregiver and how those experiences shape the child’s development Often this gets lumped together with a gendered understanding of the world, but it’s a totally gender-neutral science. Anyone can be or become a primary caregiver, even if the primary parent is often referred to as the mother. Also, much of the science surrounds mothers rather than fathers and non-traditional families, culturally-imbued Western notions of parenting, but more on that at another time. What is Modern Attachment? Attachment research started in developmental psychology then expanded into many different complementary fields of research. Basically it went from looking at infants and toddlers, then dyads, then adults, then adult dyads, and now informing adults with multiple partners, groups and communities. Each perspective varies a bit but eventually coalesce to create a coherent and validated picture of the importance of early relationships in our adult relational lives. Briefly, the first phase of attachment science included the probably familiar 3 then the 4 quadrants – preoccupied, dismissing, secure and disorganized/unresolved (the language varies and mean slightly different things per perspective, but let’s just settle on those commonly understood terms). This research began by looking at infants, and then mothers and infants. John Bowlby and his colleague, Mary Ainsworth, are the biggest players here although they were supported by many, we go over this history in much more detail in other episodes on our podcast. The science later incorporated research from adults with retrospective stories about their early life experiences that validated and expanded the theory. Mary Main, Carol George, Patricia Crittendon (we are wildly fortunate that several luminary’s listed below have been expert guests on our show. Crittendon has 2, and 1 devoted to expanding on her work) are leaders in this area, and Alan Sroufe and his team at the University of Minnesota extended and clarified these ideas by following a cohort from infancy through adulthood (our good fortune includes many of those mentioned in these notes – and there are 2 interviews with Sroufe in our podcast catalog). Sroufe’s work validates that early experience sets a developmental trajectory to adulthood, but – fortunately – are changeable. Social scientists expanded the ideas by looking at adult romantic couples. They also confirmed that early attachment patterns are not totally correlated with adult functioning, and exemplify how. See R. Chris Fraley, Hazan and Shaver and many more. Modern attachment science also incorporates the explosion of neuroscience that began to grow in the 1990s. It has always been a biologically informed theory, but with interpersonal neuroscience, we can now literally see inside the developmental process and fine-tune and verify the evolving theory as go. With contributions from the likes of Dan Siegel (2 TU episodes in our catalog), Alan Shore, Bruce Perry (1 episode), Steve Porges (1 episode), Lou Cossolino (2 TU episodes), Ed Tronik, David Elliott (2 TU episodes), Dan Brown (1 in-depth episode), Dan Stern, … and a boatload of clinicians and scientists we bring this theory forward again with confidence of the tenants of the theory. Other huge players in expanding modern attachment from scientists to therapists to a more general population include Stan Tatkin (2 episodes), Bonnie Badenoch (1 episode), Tina Payne-Bryson (2 episodes), Deb Dana (1 episode), Bruce Ecker (1 episode), Kristin Neff (1 episode) Alan Schore first coined the term “Modern Attachment,” and has published and taught extensively on this topic. His focus on

Learn the cheat code to parenting in a pandemic with Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne-Bryson. We’re all struggling with some uncertainty and fear right now, and as a parent it can often be especially hard to know how to raise a child during the rise of Coronavirus. Join co-host Sue Marriott and expert guests Siegel and Payne-Bryson to unpack their new book The Power of Showing Up. In this episode they use interpersonal neurobiology to break down the science of attachment, and share what it means to show up. Applicable not just to those with children but in all relationships, their four legs of promoting secure attachment can change the way we relate to ourselves, and each other, for the better. Learn more about real-life application of IPNB and the relational sciences in general by visiting us at TherapistUncensored.com Shownotes for this episode: Who is Dr. Dan Siegel? The father of Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) !! Yes, for real. Clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and the founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA Prolific author and thought leader Who is Dr. Tina Bryson? Psychotherapist and the Founder/Executive Director of The Center for Connection, a multidisciplinary clinical practice, and of The Play Strong Institute, a center devoted to the study, research, and practice of play therapy through a neurodevelopment lens Author of “Bottom Line for Baby” a comprehensive overview of parenting science New York Times bestselling author, “The Whole-Brain Child” and “No-Drama Discipline” What is showing up? First, showing up is more than just being physically there, it requires you to bring your full awareness to the present. Importantly, it doesn’t mean that you’re perfect, it just means that you’re present. It is the parenting cheat code, bringing a receptive awareness to your children is the most scientifically backed action you can take to help your child grow and develop. Coronavirus and quarantine causing parental freak outs…. Secure attachment is super important during times of stress, anxiety, and uncertainty. Attention is a precious resource, but it isn’t the same as awareness. There are two types of attention that we can have, especially during a global pandemic Focal attention is when we have attention awareness. It is what we know we are focused on, and it requires effort to maintain it. Think of it like a focused concentration Non-focal attention doesn’t involve that awareness. It is what happens when you get that little nagging feeling in the back of your mind The virus draws a lot of non-focal attention, we’re all constantly being distracted by our environment and the fear and anxiety that it generates. Consequently, our focal attention is more easily lost and we can often find ourselves getting overwhelmed and dysregulated So now is a time when we could all use a boost in our secure attachment system, to help stabilize and regulate those experiences. Especially with children, now is a time to be more aware of our presence and where we show up This can be a time for re-defining ourselves, to work form a bottom up perspective at our routines and habits and attention to better fine tune it to form healthier and happier relationships. What we can be doing? Attend to 4 things: Safety As parents, our children need to know us as a source of safety. Sometimes it can be even small things like being unpredictable or upset with customer service. That being said, there is no such thing as perfection. We’re all human and we all make mistakes, the important part is what you do after that. Showing up is all about coming back and repairing any ruptures that were made. As long as that repair is made, and the child learns in their body that the parent can be a stabilizing force, the attachment network can grow Talking about safety in an unsafe time is important as well. It helps cement the idea in the child that my parents keep me safe. But we can do that in a way that doesn’t overwhelm us with fear. We can get our children used to masks with silliness and play, or we can talk about doing XYZ because “it keeps us safer” and not because “it’s dangerous to go outside” Seen To help grow our child’s attachment system, and to help them feel safe, they need to feel understood. Recently parenting has gotten focused on what behavior is the child engaging in, but to show up and be present you need to feel the mind behind the action. It is important to ask, what is my child’s internal experience that is causing this behavior? Turning your attention to the child in this way tells them that when they share their thoughts and feelings with their parents it works well for them. They can feel relaxed and know that their parents really got them. This doesn’t always mean you have to agree with the child or their behavior, but really seeing where it’s coming from helps the child settle into their body and is a great way to co-regulate their experience. Also, don’t

Hip hop heals Our guests Dr. Eliot Gann and Dr. Raphael Travis shed light on how hip hop can help resolve the deep need for self-expression and trauma processing, especially in black and brown communities. Music-makers in hip hop culture are some of the greatest writers of our generation. These lyricsts use in depth metaphor, satire, and word play to express widely shared feelings. This process literally gives a voice to experiences that are otherwise unexplainable. Hip hop, rap and R&B are more than just music for the club. Connecting through music creation can be used to bridge disempowered groups. Our guests bring to light the importance of learning about and respecting this genre. It can engage people of culture (POC) to heal trauma, empower self-expression, and grow communities. In this second half of our interview, co-host Ann Kelley dives into the healing power of hip hop with Dr. Elliot Gannhael and Dr. Raphael Travis. We explore what makes hip hop unique, how it can be used in schools, detention centers and clinical work, as well as how we can each grow through hip hop culture. If you missed it – here is the first half of the conversation, Episode 123 The Healing Power of Fear, Protest, George Floyd and Community Empowerment with Dr. Raphael Travis. However don’t worry, this episode stands on it’s own and it is OK to just start here, you won’t be lost. Dr. Elliot Gann – Therapeutic Beat Making Executive Director at Today’s Future Sound (TFS) Creator of the Therapeutic Beat Making (TBM) model for healing and development D. of Clinical Psychology from the Wright Institute, specializing in Children and Adolescents Who is our expert guest, Dr. Raphael Travis? lyrics hip hop and rap Associate Professor and BSW Program Director at Texas State University’s School of Social Work Specializes in youth empowerment and community development through creative arts, specifically Hip-Hop culture Author of “The Healing Power of Hip Hop” Leads the Collaborative Research for Education, Art, and Therapeutic Engagement (CREATE) Lab which works with educators and artists to understand the therapeutic and educational benefits of music Show Notes for this Episode: Five Dimensions of Empowerment Hip Hop culture serves to foster five major dimensions of empowerment Esteem – it is a safe place to build ones confidence and experience, people can leave with an actualizable accomplishment that is fully their own. It helps develop a strong sense of agency in their own creation Resilience – it gives people an outlet to express trauma or struggle. It helps put words to the experiences they’ve had and is a constructive coping mechanism Growth – it requires an introspective atmosphere. Unpacking what the lyrics and beat mean to you opens up new possibilities within the body Community – it is a co-regulating process. Groups can come together to either create or celebrate hip hop, and through the collective experience of the beat there is a bond built. Change – it builds on lived experiences, and asks us to all better ourselves and the community around us through a collective growth and development What can hip hop and music therapy do? Hip hop can be used as a powerful therapeutic tool. It’s a relational, fun, and joyful way of letting your guard down. It is also an expressive, cathartic release. In addition, it also is a self-actualizing experience, the body gets to create something unique and special all on their own. Lyrics for self expression Hip hop serves as a vehicle to resolve the deep need for self-expression and trauma in black and brown communities. Lyricists and writers in hip hop culture are some of the greatest writers of our generation, they can use in depth metaphor, satire, and word play to express widely shared feelings. This process literally gives a voice to experiences that are otherwise unexplainable. Beats for self expression and regulation Often students and patients struggle to engage with insight-oriented work at the start. Beat making can help warm up the body, and lower the body’s defenses. Through beat making, the body relaxes and enters more readily into a flow state, an open and relaxed place, from which a deeper connection and growth can occur. Our Biases For people unfamiliar with hip hop and rap, or truthfully for white people in general, there is often an aversion to the genre. It can be experienced as violent, misogynistic, and overly sexualized. You aren’t wrong for hearing some of those themes in hip hop and rap, but there are a couple of things to keep in mind We’re only seeing a very small sample. Hip hop has a decades old history, and there are millions of songs in thousands of different sub-genera’s, not all hip hop has the same elements or themes Our experiences listening to each song are subjective. Each person filters each song through their own lived experiences and biases Specifically, white people’s bodies are primed from a young age by our society to h

George Floyd. Breonna Taylor. Tony McDade. Sandra Bland. Rayshard Brooks. Tamir Rice. Emmett Till… and so on. The violence enacted by the criminal justice system isn’t new, so what makes this moment feel so different? Dr. Raphael Travis and Dr. Elliott Gann join co-host Ann Kelley to break down the now global protests against the murder of George Floyd. Together they explore the role of youth empowerment, coronavirus, and narrative storytelling in helping fuel the biggest social movement in decades. This episode focuses on Dr. Travis’ experience, the second episode (see link below) dives into Dr. Elliott Gann’s innovate and cutting edge work as well. This is a 2-part conversation on community empowerment and using hip hop – beat making and lyrics – as a therapeutic goal. Find episode TU24 Beat-Making, Lyrics and Community Empowerment with Dr. Elliot Gann and Dr. Raphael Travis with right here Who is Dr. Raphael Travis? Associate Professor and MSW Program Director at Texas State University’s School of Social Work Founder and Executive Director of Flow Story, PLLC Specializes in youth empowerment and community development through creative arts, specifically Hip-Hop culture Author of “The Healing Power of Hip Hop” Leads the Collaborative Research for Education, Art, and Therapeutic Engagement (CREATE) Lab which works with educators and artists to understand the therapeutic and educational benefits of music Show Notes for this Episode…. Why now? The energy of the youth Like most social movements throughout history, this one is largely being led by youth Police brutality and white supremacy systemically cut off healthy development of communities by taking mothers and fathers How can anyone feel safe or like they belong if they know they are always at risk of that disruption Expansion of hyper-surveillance results in the buildup of the stress response in the body Youthful energy to take that inter-generational trauma and say “we’re not putting up with this anymore” Even though this is led by youth, these experiences of violence is nothing new, the story is the same but the particulars are different Narrative development Social media and the expansion of counter-narratives allows for a proliferation of alternative visions of the world Those serve to counter the mainstream stereotypes and understandings to force people to view events in a different light Expansion of SEL (Social and Emotional Learning) within schools and society develops greater empathy and capacity for self-reflection Forcing white people to step out of their comfort zone, a shift in our own internal narrative, a greater opening up of communal recognition Coronavirus Living in a state of constant fear and anxiety about going out in public is a new feeling for white people, the pandemic as an unseen threat that could take you at any time Experiencing just a fraction of the fear people of color experience helps make people more receptive towards shifting their own internal narrative It generated an expanded understanding of communal responsibility, a narrative shift away from an individual self-focused approached to risk towards a great communal goal What has been surprising? Dr. Travis was hopeful and surprised by the amount of diversity within this movement. The increased messaging that silence is complicity helps force people into that un-comfort zone which allows them to question their own fears, assumptions, and narratives. It gives people who feel like they otherwise couldn’t have engaged permission to now. Where do we go from here? We still need consistent pressure and energy. However, we’ve seen promising changes at the level of policy and at the level of the body. First, policy reforms have happened, and will continue to happen, and we should continue to push for them with our presence and our voice. Also, societal reforms are also happening at the level of each individual body. Indeed, there is a narrative shift within each us as we move to be more open to connection, empathy, and understanding. We all need to continue to pay attention, listen, and grow together as a community as this develops. Resources “The Healing Power of Hip Hop (Intersection of Race, Ethnicity, and Culture)” by Dr. Raphael Travis “Using Therapeutic Beat Making and Lyrics for Empowerment” by Dr. Raphael Travis and Dr. Elliot Gann Breaking Down The Therapeutic Beat Making Model with Dr. Elliot Gann aka Phillipdrummon “Say Their Names” by Kadir Nelson “White Fragility – Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk about Racism” by Dr. Robin Diangelo Black Trans Advocacy Coalition “Race After Technology: Abolitionist Tools for the New Jim Code” by Ruha Benjamin “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack” by Peggy Mcintosh “White Awake: An Honest Look at What it Means to be White” by Daniel Hill Contact Information & Resources: Find Dr. Travis here – E-mail: rtravis@txstate.

  When we think of ADHD, we often imagine a restless & fidgety child who loses focus rather than the grown up parent or partner these kids eventually become. It is a legit neurological condition – yet adults with ADHD or ADD often believe that they are forgetful, lazy, selfish & disorganized. Unfortunately sometimes so do their partners. This episode will help you appreciate your unique gifts, or value your distractible partner. “ADHD doesn’t create new problems, it just exacerbates the universal ones.” Co-host Ann Kelley speaks with Ari Tuckman, psychologist, certified sex therapist who specializing in ADHD within relationships, and he sheds light on how ADHD can impact our relationships, from conflict to sex, and outlines ways to improve both. In relationships, couples often fall into imbalance, over-functioning and under-functioning. You recognize it – the one who manages order and responsibilities (aka “control freak”) and the other looking for spontaneity and fun (aka “irresponsible one”). Who is Ari Tuckman? Ari Tuckman, PsyD, CST is a psychologist and certified sex therapist in private practice specializing in diagnosing and treating children, teens, and adults with ADHD, as well as couples and sex therapy. He has appeared on CNN, National Public Radio, and XM Radio and been quoted in The New York Times, USA Today, The Washington Post, The Boston Globe, USnews.com, The Daily Mail (UK), and many other media outlets. See his full bio below. Understanding Adult ADHD – today’s episode Ari advocates for ADHD awareness so adults and therapists can actively recognize it in others because it does not just affect children. These children grow up and continue to have ADHD make up about 4% of the general population, that is 1 in 25. Effects of non-diagnosed ADHD can be painful and complex: common effects include anxiety, depression, bipolar, marital discord, and substance abuse issues. If you don’t look for symptoms of ADHD, you may not find it, and that is painful and problematic for everyone involved. What can we see in our office, partners, and ourselves to know if we have ADHD? Not everyone with attentional issues has the classic symptoms of being hyperactive. It shows up in adults as inattentive symptoms like time management, disorganization, forgetfulness, procrastination, and misplacing things. That is why in adults what you actually see in Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). When someone in your immediate family has it, there’s a 25% chance that you might have it too. People who have distractibility will see the symptoms show up in many stages of their life – childhood, college, as a young adult. The symptoms can show up in their job, or at home. Untreated or unrecognized attention issues affects school performance, career attainment, lifelong learnings, car accidents, relationship satisfaction – it’s always there and impacts your life interactions. When it goes undiagnosed it can drastically influence your self-esteem – but when diagnosed you can have a better understanding of your behavior. Medication can work very well, risk/side effects are very low, not addictive if used appropriately, and can reduce substance abuse problems when addressed first. Why give a stimulate to someone that would seemingly be “hyperactive?” The medications act as “brake fluid” so those affected are able to “hit the brakes” more easily before acting. When adults take ADHD medication, it gives them the ability to limit or be aware of thoughts that deter them from the task at hand. Without the medication, the thought of the task at hand can develop into many thoughts leading to being distracted, possibly forgetting, and then punishing themselves for forgetting. Ultimately, this leads to negative thoughts, anxiety, or those close to them believing the task is being neglected. The person with more focus can become bothered by this repeated behavior and the partner with ADHD will either become down and depressed and/or angry and reactive when they feel targeted by the non-ADHD partner. Generally, both will happen. One can become angry and reactive when receiving negative feedback and down and depressed when feeling they can’t do anything right. People with ADHD are capable of being very focused during specific moments, like when receiving negative feedback, but then they are held to that standard at all times. Spouses begin to become angry because they witness the ADHD person focus on some things and not on others. They can get triggered and feel neglected. A neurological syndrome It doesn’t create new problems, it just exacerbates the universal ones. The common solution to the problem between a partner with ADHD and the non-ADHD person: the person undiagnosed just needs to step up! This is not sustainable or realistic, it’s like asking a depressed person to cheer up! The less obvious solution: The non-ADHD partner also needs to learn to step back, acce

With the tsunami of unclear and contradictory yet potentially life-threatening information coming at us right now in quaratine – it’s no wonder there is so much conflict within groups that are/were quarantining together. Reasonable people can interpret the suggestions very differently, in this episode we go into how to navigate how to manage right now. Why Stan Tatkin? Stan Tatkin was one of as the first guests on the Therapist Uncensored Podcast and is so awesome, we are bringing him back for a second interview. (Listen to the first episode here.)He is one of the best translators of the science to application in the real world, so we really want to connect our audience with him. He’s has a wealth of resources for ya! See full bio below. Bringing security to your partnerships during COVID-19 – today’s episode During this Coronavirus pandemic, the existential threat is more apparent and strain within a couple starts to become more apparent. Partners are faced with understanding the goals of their relationship and whether or not they are moving in the right direction. Reasons to be together beyond loving each other and having children together. Many have been faced with breakups, running away, move in, or getting married during this existential time. Having an understanding that there is always an existential threat every day but we are being faced with it more closely during this time. Automation – getting off auto-pilot. Before and during the pandemic our partnered relationships have been on auto-pilot where “you know your partner,” react out of memory/trauma, or take your relationship for granted. PACT – Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy Homosapiens by nature are aggressive, war-like, comparing, and opportunistic and are being flighty because of the pandemic. How do pair-bound all of the time and not when things are going wrong/when we need more safety? By nature, we are pack animals and are built to be interdependent and have a shared purpose with a partner. (Ex: survive and thrive) With your partner, create an agreement, a culture, and a shared vision and purpose for being together. Love is not enough Emotions can fluctuate. A state of purpose and a goal is what can remain consistent in a partnership. Insecure model – “It’s my way or the highway,” where the individual is “pro-self” not “pro-relationship.” With attachment, we take the injustices and take them to our future relationships. Every couple has a duty to design their own ethos and culture, to layout ground rules of “what we do and don’t do.” Examples: “We protect each other. Our relationship always comes first. We support each other to perform well but not at the cost of the relationship. We are always working towards bringing peace and harmony to the relationship.” Partners who do not agree on core values and will continue to disassociate. Mature long-running relationships that will last a lifetime where partners vow to operate from principles of fairness, justice, sensitivity, cooperation, creating win-win outcomes where they move together towards the same goal. Be collaborative about an issue or creating a new goal together to be on the same page on thoughts and feelings. Sue and Stan provide conversation examples of how that can be accomplished. Commitment (the C-word) Committing to making the partnership as successful as possible. People who are threatened will create threats. Single security about understanding what each individual feels, self-correct and approach from a friendly way to resolve the conflict. Only one needs to remember to self-correct to move towards resolution and the other will follow. Co-regulation – having each partner be active towards regulating each other to shift towards taking care of each other. Pay to play In adulthood, there is conditional love, which makes us more accountable for each other. The couple and the principles are the guiding light on where to go. During this pandemic time, is a good time to think about your life purpose with your primary partner and your loved ones. Knowing that our time is limited and being present with your loved ones. Guiding principles of secure functioning to thinking about your life meaning and purpose to overcome these threats. _____ RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: PACT Institute – Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (Offers global therapist training programs and couple retreats) We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love by Stan Tatkin Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships by Stan Tatkin Stan Tatkin’s Ted Talk: Relationships Are Hard, But Why? Stan Tatkin’s Instagram Facebook Twitter These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page! ___ Stan Tatkin’s Bio: Clinician, author, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT

Use a proven mindfulness-based technique of imagery to cope with quarantine and promote healing. Is this pandemic making your nervous system crunchy? Let’s work on some healing techniques in the mean time. Find out how to use one of the Elliott and Brown’s 3 pillars of healing attachment to cope during this society-wide emotional hotbox. Using the first pillar of the three pillars of healing attachment, using the imaginings of your mind to leverage security, David explains how this practice can be beneficial during a time where we’re looking for connection to regulate and heal. Why Dr. David Elliott We are pleased to bring Dr. Elliott back for a second interview. We were so enamored with his co-authored book Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair, that we stayed connected and are now working together on an exciting new project to bring this empirically-validated work with trauma to more of you. His full bio is below. Using imagery to help find security and attachment healing during COVID 19 – today’s episode Our attachment system is designed to seek proximity especially during threat, danger, and distress. So in this time of needed distance from one another our nervous system is being especially challenged. For some of us, sheltering in place with others allows us to turn to one another for emotional and physical comfort. However there are millions of people across the globe who are sheltering in isolation or in unsafe or unsupportive environments. They are missing another persons comforting support and touch. David speaks personally from this experience because he is currently sheltering in place alone – that is, away from his family – so his advice is coming from a place of knowing. The Three Pillars of Healing Attachment Elliott and his colleagues have developed a model for the treatment of early attachment and healing called the 3 pillars model discussed in detail in episode 34. In today’s episode we discuss the tenets of the first pillar – the power of the mind to imagine – the essential elements of connection and security needed for coping during this COVID quarantine crisis. Mindfulness and guided imagination literally helps to promote neurological growth. Ann and David provide examples of ways athletes and musicians use imagery to improve their performance. David then leads us through a mindful exercise based on the tenets of the first pillar. Through a guided exercise, he helps us create and be with an imagined “safe other” which provides our minds with the sense of social and emotional connection. Our bodies often can not distinguish between the real and imagined and our social-engagement system can respond with the soothing and healing connections that our bodies need during stress. CLICK HERE to access the audio of this mindfulness demonstration. _____ RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: Stand-alone mindfulness exercise download here Contact Dr. Elliott directly at http://www.davidelliottphd.com Please refer to our previous episode with Dr. David Elliott for even more resources in the audio and show notes. – TU34: Treating Attachment Difficulties with Dr. David Elliott Attachment Disturbances in Adults Treatment for Comprehensive Repair (2016) Daniel Brown and David Elliott These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page! ___ Dr David Elliott’s Bio: Dr. Elliott comes from an academic career in psychology from Harvard University. He gained experience at the Tufts University Counseling Center, the Outpatient Psychiatry Clinic of St. Elizabeth’s Medical Center in Brighton, Massachusetts, and McLean Hospital, the psychiatric teaching hospital of Harvard Medical School. Recognizing from an early age that there are many dimensions to human experience, any and all of which can contribute to well-being or to difficulty, Dr. Elliott has maintained a commitment to learning and understanding the whole range of human possibility — from the deepest confusions and struggles of psychosis, to the patterns of personality that create personal and relational conflicts, to the development of the self in ways that promote both independence and intimacy, and to higher levels of growth that allow for flourishing and even a recognition of oneself as beyond the limits of the personal self. __ Our course on Attachment and Neuroscience – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala, is now available to everyone! Four (!) hours of curated content on modern attachment and healing. It is designed for anyone wanting to deepen security in themselves or those close to you (CE’s available for clinicians). You’ve been interested enough to listen and dig into the shownotes, so you are are people and we are yours. Get 10% of the course with code: OURCLAN. 🙂 CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT THE COURSE ______ Want to join our private community? Therapist Uncensored is now on Patreon! You can

It isn’t a war between the genders, it’s a war between those interested in freedom of individual expression and equality, and those wedded to and defending the patriarchal script. “I measure activism based on impact… .” – Liz Plank In this episode, co-host Sue Marriott speaks with Liz Plank, one of the worlds most powerful and influential voices for gender and policy. Who is Liz Plank? Liz Plank is an award-winning journalist and senior producer at Vox Media. Her TedxTalk, How to Be a Man: A Woman’s Guide inspired her first book, For the Love of Men: A New Vision for Mindful Masculinity, where she “offers a smart, insightful, and deeply-researched guide for what we’re all going to do about toxic masculinity. For both women looking to guide the men in their lives and men who want to do better and just don’t know how.” Mediaite’s Most Influential in New Media 50 Most Influential Women by Marie Claire Forbes’ 30 Under 30 in Media Episode 119 Show Notes: Why do we need more storytelling around men? More progress regarding issues around domestic & sexual violence if men were more involved in the conversation. Human rights are not a finite resource and when there is more equality, the better it is for everyone. Open the conversation for men to talk about masculinity and what it means to be a man because they do not feel safe doing so. Having an empathic conversation about feminism that includes all genders, a movement that benefits the whole society. Rewriting Gender Roles The lack of conversations regarding masculinity between men. Following gender roles based on societal pressures and family development. Exploring historical and cultural examples of how gender roles change and vary to give men permission to explore their identity. A shift in the younger generation being accepting of gender fluidity. What It Means To Be A Man Identifying as a provider when many jobs traditionally done by men are disappearing or moving overseas. Starting to have the opportunity to have an identity outside of their career. Have both genders shoulder the emotional burden and do the work to heal. Narcissism & Toxic Masculinity There is a higher percentage of narcissism in men. Have more female leadership represented in entertainment & media to provide an understanding of female complexity. Education Encouraging curriculum that teaches anti-violence, anti-sexual assault, verbal consent, emotional intelligence, and interpersonal relationships. A universal understanding that we all experience similar emotions and social anxiety so we can all advocate for each other. Liz’s Influence: Wanting to measure her activism based on impact. Wanting everyone to feel welcome to this conversation on masculinity and help men go through their emotional labor. Continue to open the conversation for men of influence to discuss masculinity openly. Masculinity Influence: Brad Pitt speaking openly about masculinity to give others permission to do the same. Tim Ferriss expressing that external performance is not where “success” is and inner work is the harder challenge but more important. Liz’s Recommendations: The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by Bell Hooks Thomas Page McBee Wade Davis Learn about and connect with Liz: For the Love of Men: A New Vision for Mindful Masculinity TED Talk How to Be a Man, A Woman’s Guide Twitter Instagram Web Series _____ Our course on Attachment and Neuroscience – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala, is now available to everyone! Four (!) hours of curated content on modern attachment and healing. It is designed for anyone wanting to deepen security in themselves or those close to you (CE’s available for clinicians). You’ve been interested enough to listen and dig into the shownotes, so you are are people and we are yours. Get 10% of the course with code: OURCLAN. 🙂 CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT THE COURSE ______ Want to help Therapist Uncensored keep going? We are on Patreon! You can become a Neuronerd supporter and help the show continue to grow! Join our exclusive community of Therapist Uncensored Neuronerds for as little as $5 a month (or become a Co-executive Producer for $25/month)! Increase your access, join a kick-ass like-minded community, get discounts on our courses and get exclusive content. Help us create a ripple of security by supporting us in freely sharing the science of relationships around the globe! NEURONERDS UNITE! Click here to sign up.   BOOK of the MONTH – get it on audible for free right here For the Love of Men A New Vision for Mindful Masculinity by Liz Plank  

Calm is contagious, too! Coping through Coronavirus. Our hearts hurt for those affected by COVID. Those who are ill, survivors of those taken by the virus, service employee’s continuing to work, front-line medical and science warriors, those who lost their job or savings, those who are isolated alone and those stuck at home in harsh relationships or with kids out of school and needy… it’s all relative. It doesn’t help to compare pain – pain is pain – we all need support through this coronavirus pandemic. Period. So let’s clasp hands and co-regulate one another through this as best we can. In this episode, Sue and Ann discuss how we are collectively processing the coronavirus pandemic and provide some tools on how we can regulate our emotions during these coronavirus times. We are having experiences that are creating emotions that we do not normally have from a day-to-day basis and will have to understand how to process. Get the Facts but don’t Rubber-Neck (southern term I think, slowing down and looking hard at a wreck on the freeway even though you don’t really want to see). Use social media purposefully, don’t get hooked watching the stats there is nothing to see there that will help us cope. It’s being covered each time as new news, so our nervous system stays in alert. Limit social media and create your bubble of safety. Use sources you trust and don’t act from rumors. Name your feelings – identify the specific source rather than live in ocean of free-floating anxiety. Better to be afraid for your mom or your 401 K than feel the weight of anxiety globally. Connect socially as part of your ADL’s – activities of daily living. Breathing Techniques – Breathing in for a count of 5 and exhaling for a count of 5. Imagery – Imagining a sense of calm and safety in your environment and community. Use your mind to soothe and comfort yourself – this is neuroscience and it actually works! Add a safe person, place or animal that comforts you. Perspective matters – this will end. Interconnectedness – We are all experiencing this collectively. You are not alone. The virus does not discriminate it’s a great equalizer even though we aren’t equally effected (it hits marginalized communities hardest). Know what you can and cannot control – We cannot predict what will happen. We can control what we focus on, what information and how much information we are consuming. Our global actions can have a global impact. World Health Organization RAIN by Tara Brock Recognize what is happening; Allow the experience to be there, just as it is; Investigate with interest and care; Nurture with self-compassion. APPLE Acknowledge the thought that comes to mind. Pause your reaction and breathe. Pull back and understand that thoughts are not always your own. Let go of the thought or feeling. Explore the present moment. Stop. Touch. Go. Resources and Links to recent articles: Trusted resources TU64: Mindfulness Meditation with Yoga Therapist Kelly Inselman TU63: Living with Cancer – The Six Principles of Emotional Healing with Guest Kelly Inselmann TU52: Using Mindfulness, Movement and Yoga to Manage Arousal, with Guest Kelly Inselmann Our course on Attachment and Neuroscience has been recently released and is now available! And, since you are deep into these show notes then you are one of us, so get 10% off by putting in code OURCLAN. 🙂 While this course is utilized heavily by clinicians (CE’s available!), all who are interested in deepening security in yourselves and your relationships are welcome to participate. It is a full 4 hours of curated content! CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION ______ Want to help us keep going? We have pledged 50% of all corporate profits & merch sales (very fun swag!) to organizations that support mental health access to those traditionally left out of mainstream healthcare. We can only do that with the help of our Neuronerd private community. By joining as a Neuronerd premium subscriber, you get a dedicated ad-free feed, deeper dives into select content and first shot at very unique study opportunities. If we’ve provided value then please check us out, poke around, make sure you feel comfortable and then join us today! BOOK of the MONTH – get it for free right here For the Love of Men A New Vision for Mindful Masculinity by Liz Plank A preview of our next episode – an excellent discussion of gender that’s appealing to everyone!

“Regulate, then relate, then reason” -Dr. Bruce Perry In this episode, co-host Sue Marriott speaks with Dr. Bruce Perry, a renowned neuroscientist, psychiatrist, clinician and researcher on children’s mental health. They discuss staging intervention based on brain develop in a technique called the Neurosequential Model. Who is Dr. Bruce Perry? Bruce Perry, MD, PhD is the Senior Fellow of The ChildTrauma Academy, a not-for-profit organization based in Houston, TX. He also serves as adjunct Professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University in Chicago. In addition, he is the inaugural Senior Fellow of the Berry Street Childhood Institute. Dr. Perry wrote The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, with Maia Szalavitz, which is a bestselling book based on his work with maltreated children. Born For Love: Why Empathy is Essential and Endangered, BRIEF: Reflections on Childhood, Trauma, and Society and RESILIENT: Six Core Strengths for Healthy Development are among his well respected work. Over the last thirty years, Dr. Perry has been an active teacher, clinician and researcher in children’s mental health and the neurosciences holding a variety of academic positions. The Concept of Resilience Defined as the capacity and basically the capacity to tolerate stressors and challenges and maintain function Resilience is built; children are not born with it, and it can also be tapped out How is Resilience Built? Resilience is built through relationally mediated experiences of moderate challenge where there’s predictability, consistency and some degree of controllability. These experiences activate the stress response system. Because of neuroplasticity, neural networks are changeable but only when the neural network itself is activated, meaning the stress response system can only become more flexible, strong, and capable when activated. We can only become more resilient when stressed but in a certain pattern – needs 3 things: predictability, moderation, and controllability. The Underdeveloped Stress Response System Without adequate stressors, example helicopter parenting, the stress response system does not become resilient, which leads to difficulty coping with the increasing complexity and demands taking place through development. The Neurosequential Model Developed to explain the behaviors Dr Perry saw in children with overactive and underdeveloped stress response symptoms Looks at where the individual is cognitively w/ regard to self-regulation in comparison to their age chronologically Those who have not had the social learning experiences that correspond with their age in years do not have those skills. If given developmentally targeted opportunities, they can catch up Bottom up approach Particularly effective w/ complex trauma, can be used to treat adults and children Clinical Application of the Neurosequential Model View maladaptive behaviors as a form of self-regulation Create a Daily Regulatory Plan Regulatory activity Predictability Spacing Dosing Intentional Guided Imagery For Building Resilience Creating an internal world where a specific role and scenario are played out – we have more control over our internal process of imagining than we realize Doing this helps to desensitize an overactive stress response system when dosed properly Build empathy by reading novels Ideal Parent Protocol Kids and cartoons Thoughts on the attachment sciences, infant attachment, and adult attachment The early relational experiences are the major determinants of the set point for the stress response It is the quality of the caregiving that literally helps build in the capacity to be resilient or sensitized. In context of early caregiving, the attentive attuned responsive carer is essentially building into the brain a triune association between the reward neurobiology in the brain, the stress response to biology and the relational neurobiology. Hope and Change The brain continues to be malleable. if you’ve got a system in your brain that appears to be dysfunctional, you can’t change that system unless you activate that system. And so many of these systems that were impacted earlier in your life that may be continuing to play a disorganizing role in how you function are lower and lower in the brain and they’re going to be much easier to access through somatosensory routes Then do the work of repairing self-esteem around the secondary and tertiary problems caused by the initial dysregulation Resources: The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, a bestselling book based on Perry’s work with maltreated children, and Born For Love: Why Empathy is Essential and Endangered by Dr. Bruce Perry Dr Bruce Perry’s Website Neurosequential Network Child Trauma Academy Video: 60 Minutes With Oprah Winfrey 2018 Neurosequential Network “Best Hits” Slides Child Trauma Academy Clinical Practice Tools Video: The A List with Ali

Freeze Appease Dissociate… Appease is Fawning when it comes to C-PTSD Are you a huge people-pleaser, conflict avoider, peace-keeper? Maybe you are just being nice, but if you are compelled to do it, driven to not take up much space, to not impose… and you don’t have much of a choice about it, there may be something deeper going on. If so, today’s episode talks to you, friend. If you haven’t joined us in the 30-Day Challenge, you can start at any time by CLICKING HERE! No sales, no gimmicks, just 4 supportive email over a month to support you in changing an emotional health habit that no longer works for you. Shout out to all those on the 30-day Challenge! You’ve been getting a series of emails…. this show discusses a topic that will help MANY of you with your personal emotional growth challenge. Fawning This is actually an old term coined by Peter Walker in 2003 discussing Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries. – Peter Walker on his website. You may be familiar with fight flight and freeze – the 3 common threat responses that our autonomic nervous system unconsciously engages when it perceives danger. If not, there is a TON of information about this in many previous episodes of Therapist Uncensored. We are interested because it affects how we relate to others and makes us act really stupid at times. 🙂 Well, it’s smart from an old survival perspective but can be really bone-headed in our adult lives when the reaction is triggered and yet the threat doesn’t warrant such survival response. Well, when we can’t escape the trauma and thus fighting or fleeing isn’t an option, our bodies will freeze, appease or dissociate. The appease portion of the response is what Walker refers to as “Fawn.” It is another survival response which is often associated with complex post-traumatic stress disorder. It occurs when survivors recognize danger signals and stay safe by complying and minimizing confrontation. Freeze, Appease or Dissociate – Fawning refers to Appease. People-pleasing Being unable to say how you really think or feel Caring for others to your own detriment Always saying “yes” to requests Flattering others Struggling with low self-esteem Avoiding conflict Feeling taken advantage of Being very concerned about fitting in with others Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder C-PTSD Who doesn’t love special offers? Discounted course – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala! Advanced Course Connecting the Science(s) of the Mind to Interpersonal Relationships Our advanced course on attachment and relational neuroscience has been recently released and is now available (wahoo)! Since you are now deep into these shownotes, then you are one of us, use the code OURCLAN for an immediate discount for the course. While this course is popular with clinicians (CE’s available!), it is also for all who are interested in deepening security in yourselves and your relationship!. 4 hours of curated content! CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION Dive in and get more involved – join us on Patreon! Join our exclusive community of Therapist Uncensored Neuronerds for as little as $5 a month! Increase your access, join a kick-ass like-minded community, get discounts on our courses and get exclusive content. Help us create a ripple of security by supporting us in freely sharing the science of relationships around the globe! NEURONERDS UNITE! Click here to sign up. BOOK of the MONTH Maybe You Should Talk to Someone– A Therapist, HER Therapist and a Life Revealed, by Lori Gottlieb. If you are looking for something to inspire you – make you laugh – tear up a bit and generally move towards being a better human this is the book we are recommending this month. Use the link above for a free audiobook!   LIKE this episode? Please please please leave us a review and rating on your podcast player. You also may enjoy these: TU30: The Stages of Change: A Roadmap to Readiness TU88: 6 Steps to Increase Your Felt Sense of Security TU08: Understanding Emotional Triggers: Why Your Buttons Get Pushed and What To Do About It  

30-Day Emotional Health Challenge Update In this episode of Therapist Uncensored, co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott discuss their progress in their 30-Day Emotional Health Challenge. If you haven’t joined us in the 30-Day Challenge, you can start today by CLICKING HERE! No sales no gimmicks, just support for you to change! Positive, Humbling, and Frickin’ Hard Ann discuses the positive activation around sharing and discussing the 30-Day Emotional Health Challenge. Sue shares about the Challenge of the Emotional Health Challenge A bit ambitious because it is a deeply held unconscious learning Working on Changing Adaptations From Early Childhood The consensus in the Facebook group and among our Patrons is that we’re picking something that was an adaptation from our early life. It was important that we learn to do it, but it’s not necessarily helping us now. The problem is it was laid down in our bodies so early and really without conscious thought, so even just thinking about it doesn’t necessarily change it. Instead, we adapt to it, repress it, etc. This leads to a cycle of recognizing something, acknowledging that it isn’t working, and then repeating the behavior, which is induces shame. Relief and Frustration These behaviors are implicit (unconscious) not explicit (conscious), which makes them really hard to change. The Process: Community connection Trying to teach ourselves to do something new Picking one thing, not everything, with love, compassion, and curiosity Examine the symptom or behavior that is no longer serving us Just learning about it and becoming more aware Not trying to repress or change it Try something new and continue to learn Are we resistant to changing? Reluctant to give up the old behavior? Etc Adjusting the Emotional Health Goal Sue discusses the zig-zag process of scaling her goal up and down based on her exploration process and how her thoughts about it changed after attending a conference with Bruce Eckert on Memory Reconsolidation. Two Particularly Helpful Takeaways From the Conference We can’t know our unconscious Sue tests out whether or not The Memory Reconsolidation Technique is something we can do alone Because the behavior is implicit, it comes from the unconscious, so there is no way to see it by ourselves. But we can still move it by being curious about our responses and what comes up in the feelings of threat. Seeing the effects of the implicit coming out in our explicit reactions and working to get more comfortable with it invites it in more. State Dependent Learning When we’re in a regulated state, we have access to all this great knowledge and learned information. As we get into a dysregulated state, the neural network shifts and it becomes a different learning. We really actually kind of lose contact for a moment with that more reflective stance. Especially if we come from a neglect or a trauma background or had tough things in life or had adversity. We have these learnings that are on their own neural network. Neural Networks and Changing Symptomatic Behavior There are 2 different neural circuits, and the only way to change the symptomatic behavior is to access the other neural circuit. This has to do with activation, so we have to actually feel the feelings to improve emotional health. How Do We know What’s Changing? It starts with the behavior starts with the symptom. In recognizing the symptom that you want to shift, you’ve gone much more internal and you’ve named one part of it. In exploring it, we are un-layering it, and we’re smack dab on our which is to to go deeper and shift to more of a sense of security inside of you. Who doesn’t love special offers? Discounted course – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala! Advanced Course Connecting the Science(s) of the Mind to Interpersonal Relationships Our advanced course on attachment and relational neuroscience has been recently released and is now available (wahoo)! Since you are now deep into these shownotes, then you are one of us, use the code OURCLAN for an immediate discount for the course. This course is popular with clinicians (CE’s available!), all who are interested in deepening security in yourselves and your relationships are welcome to participate. 4 hours of curated content! CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION Dive in and get more involved – join us on Patreon! Join our exclusive community of Therapist Uncensored Neuronerds for as little as $5 a month! Increase your access, join a kick-ass like-minded community, get discounts on our courses and get exclusive content. Help us create a ripple of security by supporting us in freely sharing the science of relationships around the globe! NEURONERDS UNITE! Click here to sign up. BOOK of the MONTH Maybe You Should Talk to Someone– A Therapist, HER Therapist and a Life Revealed, by Lori Gottlieb. If you are looking for something to inspire you – make you laugh – tear up a bit and generally move towards being a better human this is th

Sue & Ann laughing at themselves, probably at our bumbling efforts on our 30-day emotional health challenge! Enough theory – it’s time to choose JUST ONE emotional health goal to work on for the next 30 days. Let go of what no longer serves you. Join us for our 30-day emotional health challenge! In this episode, Dr. Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott LCSW CGP are walking the walk. They personally challenge you to pick one thing to work on for the next 30 days – something challenging but within reach. Show Notes – 30 day emotional health challenge Backstory It’s February – this is not a new years resolution because they typically don’t work past about now. You hear about weight loss goals and fitness goals, but the most life-changing skills for long-term happiness and health is actually having close relationships. No matter how secure you are, how much therapy you have had, what letters are behind your name or how old you are, there is always something we can do to improve our sense of ourself and our close relationships. You pick! We give lots of ideas but the upshot is you know your own bad emotional habits. Self -Inventory With love and compassion first – reflect on what you know you need to work on Pick something that if you could change, it would have real meaning to you Pick something that is clear enough to be measurable – if others can see it that’s even better Tell someone what you are doing – gain accountability When you fail, this is a true challenge, remember? When you fail learn a bit more about what happened, where the bad habit or self talk is coming from, what triggers the behavior and ideas for intervention Earned Security and Internal Working Maps – Reviewed What is emotional health? Ann & Sue’s personal challenges Ann shares her personal 30 day challenge goal and how it developed – implicit emotional learning Sue shares her 30 day emotional challenge goal and what her implicit emotional learning she’s trying to unlearn and replace with something more adaptive for today How to identify your old IWM (adaptations to your early environment that are usually based on things that are no longer true) and replace them with new, more accurate IWM Earning Security – a cool club to be a part of 🙂 Examples of what you might try based on where you fall on the Attachment-Regulation Spectrum Resources for this Episode – Recommended Books Self Compassion Workbook A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength and Thrive by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher Germer Neuroscience of Human Relationships by Lou Cozolino Who doesn’t love special offers? Discounted course – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala! Advanced Course Connecting the Science(s) of the Mind to Interpersonal Relationships Our advanced course on attachment and relational neuroscience has been recently released and is now available (wahoo)! Since you are now deep into these shownotes, then you are one of us, use the code OURCLAN for an immediate discount for the course. This course is popular with clinicians (CE’s available!), all who are interested in deepening security in yourselves and your relationships are welcome to participate. 4 hours of curated content! CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION Dive in and get more involved – join us on Patreon! Join our exclusive community of Therapist Uncensored Neuronerds for as little as $5 a month! Increase your access, join a kick-ass like-minded community, get discounts on our courses and get exclusive content. Help us create a ripple of security by supporting us in freely sharing the science of relationships around the globe! NEURONERDS UNITE! Click here to sign up. BOOK of the MONTH Maybe You Should Talk to Someone– A Therapist, HER Therapist and a Life Revealed, by Lori Gottlieb. If you are looking for something to inspire you – make you laugh – tear up a bit and generally move towards being a better human this is the book we are recommending this month. Use the link above for a free audiobook!   LIKED this episode? Please please please leave us a review and rating on your podcast player. You also may enjoy these: TU30: The Stages of Change: A Roadmap to Readiness TU88: 6 Steps to Increase Your Felt Sense of Security TU08: Understanding Emotional Triggers: Why Your Buttons Get Pushed and What To Do About It Tweet We have pledged 50% of all corporate profits & merch sales (very fun swag!) to organizations that support mental health access to those traditionally left out of mainstream healthcare. We can only do that with the help of our Neuronerd private community. By joining as a Neuronerd premium subscriber, you get a dedicated ad-free feed, deeper dives into select content and first shot at very unique study opportunities. If we’ve provided value then please check us out, poke around, make sure you feel comfortable and then join us today!

“Yes means yes is the new no means no!” Often we doubt our gut instinct, question our right to take up space in the world, and live governed by fear -especially when we’ve experienced trauma. Meet the Safety Team, a group of ordinary women doing extraordinary work teaching women how to build resiliency and re-claim their sense of agency. In this episode, Co-host Dr Ann Kelley joins this powerful group of women as they teach us how to find our voice, feel more present and powerful in our bodies, build resilience, and heal trauma. Who is The Safety Team? Christine DiBlasio, Ph.D., is the president and co-founder of The Safety Team, as well as a 4th degree black belt in Karate. For over 15 years, Dr. DiBlasio has coordinated and presented workshops on violence prevention, risk reduction, and self-advocacy skills to middle, high school and college students, as well as to community and corporate organizations. She has been instrumental in curriculum development, with a strong focus on serving survivors of interpersonal violence and trauma so as to promote healing. In addition, Dr. DiBlasio created a college and high school internship program and continues to provide leadership training to these interns as well as to an expanding group of volunteers. Dr. DiBlasio’s dedication to the Safety Team is an outgrowth of both her background in martial arts as well as her extensive experience as a practicing licensed psychologist with 30 years of clinical experience. Dr. DiBlasio is the clinical director of a large mental health outpatient practice, and in the context of this work, has provided psychotherapy services for survivors of interpersonal violence, trauma and sexual assault across the lifespan.   Darcy Richardson, MS, is a forensic toxicologist and Vice-President of The Safety Team, a 501(c)3 non-profit focused on the empowerment of women and the reduction of sexual violence. As a toxicologist she has provided expert testimony in over a thousand cases in both criminal and civil courts at the state and federal level. These cases have included assault and sexual assaults where her expertise is used to discuss the impact of alcohol and drugs on the ability to consent or to react effectively in dangerous situations. As part of The Safety Team she uses this expertise to teach women about Drug-Facilitated Sexual Assault (DFSA), and how to effectively navigate this risk. Research indicates that half of all sexual assault cases involve alcohol and/or other drugs, which means addressing DFSA in Empowerment Self-Defense (ESD) classes and curricula is an integral part of reducing the incidence of sexual violence overall. Darcy is a 2nd degree black belt in Karate and a 1st degree black belt in Arnis.   Christina Allard, PT, is the volunteer coordinator, and instructor for The Safety Team, Inc. and a licensed Physical Therapist specializing in pediatrics and school-based therapy. She pursued additional training in childhood trauma and its impacts on development. She incorporates her knowledge of neuromuscular and somatic responses to develop movement strategies for emotional regulation in children and teenagers. Her interest in the therapeutic effects of movement sparked her interest in martial arts (brown belt in Karate) and her ongoing commitment to the empowerment model of The Safety Team.   Nancy Keller, MEd, CAS, is the treasurer, co-founder, and lead instructor for The Safety Team, Inc. and a licensed public-school educator with Winooski (VT) School District for more than 30 years. With expertise in curriculum development and instruction, she has created middle school programs for place-based learning in science and mathematics, as well as implemented a school-wide classroom-based program for physical activity. This program was designed to address the movement needs of those children who have experienced trauma, and was built upon her background in the martial arts (3rd degree black belt in Karate and 2nd degree purple belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu). Along with her ongoing training in the martial arts, Nancy is currently a doctoral candidate in the College of Education and Social Services at the University of Vermont. Her research is devoted to women and gender studies, empowerment self-defense, and social justice. She recently completed a qualitative pilot research project that investigated the outcomes of those who have volunteered with The Safety Team.   What Does The Safety Team Do? The Safety Team is entirely female led and female-focused. As such, it enhances the well-being, safety, empowerment, leadership skills and resiliency of women through empowerment self-defense trainings and offers a continuum of specialized, evidenced-based, therapeutic services to women who are recovering from the trauma of sexual assault and other violence. These services promote somatic reprocessing and healing while enhancing victims’ feelings of safety, personal power, and community connection.   Giving Surviv

Tori Olds with Deep Eddy Psychotherapy Learn to apply the advances in neuroscience to our lives in a real way – we all want to be able to do that, right? This episode delivers on that for sure – memory reconsolidation is changing how therapists practice and explains why those lightbulb moments can actually transform us if done correctly. 🙂 In this episode, Powerhouse clinicians Tori Olds and Bruce Ecker join co-host Sue Marriott in a discussion on how memory reconsolidation brings awareness to old maps and traumatic emotional learning and gives us a clean slate on which to build new learning pathways. Saturday February 15, 2020: Introduction to Coherence Therapy, Austin, TX Who is Bruce Ecker? Bruce Ecker, MA, LMFT is co-originator of Coherence Therapy and coauthor of Unlocking the Emotional Brain: Eliminating Symptoms at Their Roots Using Memory Reconsolidation; the Coherence Therapy Practice Manual & Training Guide; and Depth Oriented Brief Therapy: How To Be Brief When You Were Trained To Be Deep and Vice Versa. Clarifying how transformational change takes place is the central theme of Bruce Ecker’s clinical career, and he has contributed many innovations in concepts and methods of experiential psychotherapy. Since 2006 he has driven the clinical field’s recognition of memory reconsolidation as the core process of transformational change and has developed the application of this brain research breakthrough to advancements in therapeutic effectiveness and psychotherapy integration. Bruce is a frequent presenter at conferences and workshops internationally, has taught extensively in clinical graduate programs, and is in private practice in New York City Who is Dr Tori Olds? Tori Olds, PhD is a psychologist in private practice in Austin, Texas. She is a co-owner of Deep Eddy Psychotherapy, a counseling center housing seventeen clinicians. She specializes in working with trauma, particularly attachment trauma, and utilizing mindfulness and self-compassion as a resource for personal growth. Alongside her clinical work, she has a passion for training therapists in experiential ways of working. She leads a number of study groups and is developing 10 online courses focused on helping clinicians develop experiential skills, as well as understand human development from an evolutionary, neurobiological, and attachment lens. Show Notes Meeting Tori Olds and Bruce Ecker Tori Olds: Clinician and leader of a training group on how to integrate experiential psychotherapies (AEDP, PACT, Somatic Experiencing) Bruce Ecker: Clinician and author of “Unlocking the Emotional Brain” Emotional Learning Emotional learning happens much as a Pavlovian response We often learn without awareness and become prisoners of emotional learning Emotional truths are a powerful mental model how of how the world works that we don’t often realize are there Low self-esteem works as a protective, adaptive tactic By bringing awareness to these learnings, we can de-pathologize them (therapists can help facilitate this) and begin the disconfirmation process Memory reconsolidation Memory reconsolidation: the brain’s built-in, natural way of using new learning to directly update and re-encode existing old learning This process targets emotional learning Memory reconsolidation can serve as a “unifying framework for the psychotherapy field, which has been so fragmented” Therapeutic Contexts of Memory Reconsolidation Coherence therapy, as well as many other different therapeutic models, can produce transformational change through memory reconsolidation Three stages: 1) Discovery 2) Integration 3) Juxtaposition Resources Primer on Memory Reconsolidation – PDF – READ THIS if you want more! Unlocking the Emotional Brain –– Bruce Ecker Coherence Therapy Practice Manual – Bruce Ecker Depth Oriented Brief Therapy – Bruce Ecker Memory Reconsolidation in Psychotherapy: The Neuropsychotherapist Special Issue (The Neuropsychotherapist Special Issues) (Volume 1) Deep Eddy Psychotherapy Dr. Tori Olds’s Youtube Channel Coherence Institute Clinical Translation of Memory Reconsolidation Article Saturday February 15, 2020: Introduction to Coherence Therapy, Austin, TX   Other Episodes That You May Enjoy: TU49: Five Strategies to Manage Intense Emotions & Why Emotional Regulation Matters & TU08: Understanding Emotional Triggers: Why Your Buttons Get Pushed and What To Do About It Who doesn’t love special offers?     Our advanced course on attachment and neuroscience has been recently released and is now available for a discounted price! While this course is aimed toward clinicians (CE’s available!), all who are interested in deepening security in yourselves and your relationships are welcome to participate. 4 hours of curated content! CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION   We’re on Patreon – dive in and get more involved! Join our exclusive community of Therapist Uncensored Neuronerds for as little as $5 a month! Increase your access, join a kic

You deserve better!! Are you lost in a narcissistic relationship? The term narcissism is easily tossed around, especially in this world of selfies. However, if you are deeply connected to someone with the personality disorder narcissism it is a very real, painful and a disruptive experience. It is also surprisingly difficult to identify when you are in the middle of it. And, it is really tough to get out of it once ensnared! We break it down here! This episode is a follow up to Episode 105, on what causes narcissim. In this episode on narcissism, Co-hosts Ann Kelley PhD and Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP continue the dialogue on narcissistic relationships from a patron-requested perspective. This episode is about being in a relationship with someone with the personality disorder, narcissism. To hear episode 105 on what causes narcissism, click here. Narcissism Overview Early emotional wound which develops into an inflated sense of self-importance, Self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder. Selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, a personality type. Grandiose narcissism – protect our sense of self by looking better and being better, demands mirroring from others to stay in connection. Depressed narcissism – we collapse on ourselves and feel like we are the worst person in the world. Hey gang, we just aren’t that special – thank heavens. Both stem desire to be loved and cared for & empty sense of self Signs of Being in a Relationship With a Narcissist It’s always conditional You know they are sensitive or vulnerable but they can’t see it or deny it – externalize Can’t take feedback, turn it around on you One-directional relationship – you orbit them not the other way around Inability to accept any type of critique or criticism/accept that they have faults Scripted gestures that aren’t an apology Charming but superficial You feel lucky to be in this “special” relationship You begin to subjigate yourself, lose your self into them in order to keep the connection Gaslighting – manipulative cynical Can you say egg-shells? You are walking on them… Who is attracted to narcissistic relationships? ANYONE can get pulled in – the problem is the controlling manipulative behavior But if you find yourself attracting these kinds of people, or can’t get out of a relationship that involves serious narcissism, it’s better to compassionately find and accept yourself so you can begin to resist their requirement to mirror them Were you raised by someone with narcissism so you know innately how to put self aside and tend to the other A feeling one might be fulfilled if the person (narcissist) “saves” them Internal emptiness and relief around being told who you are, what you should do… Prone to being vulnerable especially around actualizing of self What Does Being In A Relationship With A Narcissist Look Like? Allure of narcissist helping you be your best self Seduction, jealousy, decisiveness – which gives way to controlling, possessiveness, and isolation Giving up freedoms and limiting exposure to avoid upsetting narcissist World orbits around narcissist instead of mutual orbit of a natural relationship Narcissist makes you feel like you are doing something to them, always your fault Ignore your own mind and perceptions to keep connected (dangerous) Always in the shadow of the narcissist Everything is about the narcissist Unable to apologize sincerely and feel remorse Gaslighting Comes from a movie where husband intentionally manipulates wife’s mind – something is happening, wife sees it, husband and others deny that it is happening Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation. It occurs in when a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group. This behavior involves denial, misdirection, contradiction and outright lying. It makes makes others question their own memory, perception, and sanity, all in an effort to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s beliefs. You know something as your reality. However, when you attempt to address it, your partner or somebody you love turns it around as your issue and makes you feel like you don’t understand reality. What To Do About It Begin to get yourself back Don’t let anyone annihilate your feelings Own your reality, stay in it, and hold tight Feel your own pain and disconnection from yourself Stop trying to change the narcissist’s reality Treat yourself with self-protectiveness and compassion Set boundaries Boundary off belittling feedback Get out of an abusive relationship Get into therapy Recognize the emotional exhaustion & take care of self Listen to those who say they don’t like how you’re being treated. If you defend that treatment, really evaluate the relationship Measuring Narcissism Measured on the Likert Scale from a 1-7, some as short as one question Narc

When we have an anchor in ventral, we can then go visit sympathetic and dorsal without being hijacked by it. In this episode of Therapist Uncensored, Co-host Sue Marriott explores the intersection of Polyvagal Theory, neuroscience, and attachment with Deb Dana. We will investigate how the mind creates stories from information relayed by the nervous system, and how we can rewrite the script to move toward security. Meeting Deb Dana Deb Dana is a clinician and consultant who works with trauma She has a training program called the Rhythm of Regulation Goals of this: understand the nervous system and help people become active operators of their own system Story Follows State The mind narrates what the nervous system knows Therapeutic goal: bringing explicit awareness to implicit processes Neuroception: our nervous system has a response to what is going on in the world and looks to others for cues of safety and danger The brain tries to make sense of what is happening in the body on a physiological level by making up a story Many of us have nervous systems that are shaped by experiences to be wary of connection; this is something that we work on shifting in therapy The Nervous System and Attachment The nervous system services our survival and sets the stage for attachment We have two survival states: Sympathetic: mobilized, energetic state- we see red folks here! Dorsal vagal collapse: immobilized, disconnected state- we see blue folks here! The Hopefulness in Polyvagal Theory “Experience shapes the nervous system and ongoing experience reshapes the nervous system” When shame reduces, curiosity arises The Autonomic Ladder It can be helpful to identify where you currently stand on the ladder, as well as track where you are going on the ladder Ladder orientation from top down- ventral vagal (anchored state), sympathetic (activated state), dorsal (collapsed state) Take Home Tips Use your voice! Intonation before information. We send cues of safety or danger through our tone of voice. Each nervous system is different in how it comes back into repair, and it changes over time. In a ventral state, there is community. If you’re in trouble, go social! (i.e. send a text, make that phone call, reassure yourself) Who is Deb Dana? Deb Dana, LCSW is a clinician and consultant specializing in working with complex trauma and is Coordinator of the Traumatic Stress Research Consortium in the Kinsey Institute. She developed the Rhythm of Regulation Clinical Training Series and lectures internationally on ways Polyvagal Theory informs work with trauma survivors. Deb is the author of The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation and co-edited, with Stephen Porges, Clinical Applications of the Polyvagal Theory: The Emergence of Polyvagal-Informed Therapies.   Resources: Beginner’s Guide to Polyvagal Theory Using the Autonomic Ladder to Work with Perfectionism The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation Rhythm of Regulation Website Stephen Porges’s and Deb Dana’s Coauthored Book       Who doesn’t love special offers? Our advanced course on attachment and neuroscience has been recently released and is now available for a discounted price! While this course is aimed toward clinicians (CE’s available!), all who are interested in deepening security in yourselves and your relationships are welcome to participate. 4 hours of curated content! CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION   We have pledged 50% of all corporate profits & merch sales (very fun swag!) to organizations that support mental health access to those traditionally left out of mainstream healthcare. We can only do that with the help of our Neuronerd private community. By joining as a Neuronerd premium subscriber, you get a dedicated ad-free feed, deeper dives into select content and first shot at very unique study opportunities. If we’ve provided value then please check us out, poke around, make sure you feel comfortable and then join us today!   Tweet

Resilience in real-life from a non-Western perspective. (Cover photo, Appleton took responsibility for feeding kids in his village by diving and spearing food from the sea.) “And if there’s any other person that is going through mental health problems or a very hard time in their life, or they have been through something really bad… I just want them to know that they’re not alone.” Alphanso Appleton In This Episode of Therapist Uncensored on Trauma and Resilience, Alphanso Kwame Appleton, a Liberian native, shares his experiences of growing up in a country devastated by civil war, living through the Ebola epidemic, and tragically losing his young daughter. Despite these repeated experiences of trauma, he is healing and has found purpose in his life. This is an incredible story that absolutely captures what resilience looks like and we are pleased that his recovery did not rely on traditional Western approaches. We have so much to learn. Interview by Sue Marriott. Meeting Alphonso Meeting in Liberia through Strongheart and by happenstance, through the work of Dan Siegel. Mentoring youth Surfing Photography Life in Liberia The Liberian Civil War Escaping to Monrovia Child Soldiers Lack of education “Iron Lady” How the love and faith of Alphanso’s grandmother, whom he describes as an “Iron Lady”, protected him from rebel recruitment of child soldiers The Effects of Lack of Education Effects on Society Effect on healthcare industry – and him personally regarding the loss of his daughter The Ebola Epidemic The lack of belief and understanding that Ebola was real The spread of Ebola Alphanso’s photo that went viral thanking science for the Ebola vaccine “…maybe my photo will help young Liberians know science helps the world and become scientists too.” – Photographer Alphanso Appleton Personal Tragedy The loss of Alphanso’s 18 month old daughter, Lisa. Alphanso’s Healing Journey Faith Strongheart – learning a meditation practice Surfing The Universal Language of Photography Resilience through expression of emotion through photos “The Liberia Project” by Apartial featuring Alphanso Appleton “Portraits of Progress” by Alphanso Appleton Moving Forward Current and future endeavors Misconceptions about Africa Words of wisdom “Overall, it’s just finding something you love – something you love doing- something that brings you joy; something that makes you happy. Because that was a really key part of my transformation. That was a really key part of my healing.” Alphanso Appleton Other episodes you may enjoy: TU91: Curiosity – One of the Most Powerful Tools For Connection TU33: Adverse Childhood Experiences: A Roadmap To Understanding And Treatment Resources “Alphanso Appleton: A Story of Becoming” The Making of Child Surfers, Not Child Soldiers Article in Global Citizen – Surfers Paint Liberia Strongminds.org Alphanso’s contact information [email protected]   Who doesn’t love special offers? Our advanced course on attachment and neuroscience has been recently released and is now available for a discounted price! While this course is aimed toward clinicians (CE’s available!), all who are interested in deepening security in yourselves and your relationships are welcome to participate. 4 hours of curated content! CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION We’re on Patreon! Join our exclusive community of Therapist Uncensored Neuronerds for as little as $5 a month! Increase your access, join our community, get discounts on our courses and get exclusive content. Help us create a ripple of security by supporting us in freely sharing the science of relationships around the globe! We have pledged 50% of all corporate profits & merch sales (very fun swag!) to organizations that support mental health access to those traditionally left out of mainstream healthcare. We can only do that with the help of our Neuronerd private community. By joining as a Neuronerd premium subscriber, you get a dedicated ad-free feed, deeper dives into select content and first shot at very unique study opportunities. If we’ve provided value then please check us out, poke around, make sure you feel comfortable and then join us today! Tweet

Judgment says more about the judg-er than the judg-ee. It’s not Judgement – Bad. It’s Judgment-Interesting. Everybody judges and in truth, we unconsciously evaluate good/bad all the time – both positively and negatively. It’s our brains appraisal system. However unchecked it’s also a very handy interpersonal defense. Today we explore one aspect of insecure functioning, unchecked judgment and harsh self-criticism. It is just one common insecure pattern to think in absolutes and moral righteousness, and before you judge judgers, those of us who’s favorite flavor is self-criticism and self-judgement please be warned that harsh scale extends quickly to those close to us. Fun times to grow and learn we tell ya!! In This Episode of Therapist Uncensored, Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott break down the big picture of attachment and take a deep dive into just one of the habits of insecure attachment – how we use judgment! Turn on your curiosity and notice your judgments as we go – it’s kinda fun, actually. The Pleasure of Judgement Description of what self-righteous judgment looks like presented in an anecdotal but accurate way. Quick Review Every human being has a system to manage threat. Blue – you down-regulate Red – you up-regulate The Role of Judgment Method of self-protection Response to a feeling of threat 2 types: self-righteous or self-critical Self-Righteous Judgment It’s a great feeling. What’s really going on underneath? Disconnection from threat in our own body Slowing down to experience what we are judging Fortified defense Not pathological, it’s protective Example of Blue Judgment Fear of Vulnerability Judging to keep at a distance Example of Red Judgment Telling others what they are doing wrong Judging to prevent expressing fear of abandonment underneath Non-Judgment Inability to create a judgment can be an indication that we can’t have a sense of self and an essence of threat, and that clearly defining ourselves is too vulnerable. (red-side of insecure spectrum, usually) Judgment Can Be A Healthy Protection Not all judgment is bad Explore it. Righteousness to Relationality Exploring the movie about Harriet Tubman The moral high road Righteousness as the lazy man’s way Making the move Effecting change while staying in the relationship Self-Judgment Also the lazy man’s road Same old negative thoughts No movement and no new neural pathways being built Keeps us stuck Moving from self-loathing to connection Putting our feet to the fire It’s not that it’s pathological – it’s information. We think it’s information about the other person, but really it can be a window into something more interesting if we open up to exploring it. Why do you judge THAT in particular? What parts of others make your skin crawl? Check if it’s disowned parts of yourself that you are attempting to distance from or stamp out in others. You see…. now it gets interesting and the door opens rather than slams close on the object of our scrutiny. Practice Noticing With Compassion Find your version of what it is that you’re judging. Have a little smile of humor when you catch yourself being judgmental Explore what’s underneath   Resources Healing Your Attachment Wounds by Diane Pool Heller Healing Developmental Trauma Lawrence Heller Self-Compassion, the Hidden Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff Also check out TU73: Building Grit Through Self-Compassion with Kristin Neff   Who doesn’t love special offers? Our course is now available for a deeply discounted early release price! While this course is aimed toward clinicians (CE’s available!), all who are highly interested in deepening the security in yourselves and your relationships are welcome to participate. Price increases on October 22, 2019 when it is released to the wider public. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION We have pledged 50% of all corporate profits & merch sales (very fun swag!) to organizations that support mental health access to those traditionally left out of mainstream healthcare. We can only do that with the help of our Neuronerd private community. By joining as a Neuronerd premium subscriber, you get a dedicated ad-free feed, deeper dives into select content and first shot at very unique study opportunities. If we’ve provided value then please check us out, poke around, make sure you feel comfortable and then join us today! Tweet

Trauma is not a life sentence. We are rapidly learning what works to reverse the effects of stored injuries and today we will explore one treatment version of that, called Somatic Experiencing. First a shout out to a listener who connected us to our guest today, Ali Capurro – thank you! And to everyone else please note that we love these kinds of connections are always open to hear from you on who you think would deepen this conversation of earning security. In This Episode of Therapist Uncensored, co-host Sue Marriott explores Somatic Experiencing with Dr Abi Blakeslee. This interactive deep-dive takes you into the Somatic Experiencing process and provides hope and confirmation that healing trauma is possible through integrated treatment of the brain, the body, and the mind! The Foundations of Somatic Experiencing (SE) Founded by Dr Peter Levine – author of best-selling books “Waking the Tiger- Healing Trauma”, and “In an Unspoken Voice” SE is based on the study of how animals in the wild process and recover from stress and trauma. Focuses on working directly with the nervous system to help people reorganize the non-conscious survival adaptations developed by the sub-cortical or lower brain Definition of Somatic Experiencing the experience of body in the present moment. What SE Looks Like in Practice Present-centered because the healing happens in the here-and-now. It’s a process of following what is is happening in the body and taking a pause from the trauma content to down-regulate the amygdala to a state of safety before moving forward. “The trauma’s not in the event. It’s in the nervous system.” The Nervous System Getting “Unstuck” – Healing Trauma Through Body Awareness Pendulation – Peter Levine defines that as the expansion of contraction of all things moving between expanded States and contracted States. Orienting Exercise The Biological Model of the Threat Response Cycle Wild Animals Versus Humans During Threat Cycle: Orient – aware of something in environment Defensive Orienting – sense threat Moving Into Social Interaction – Moving Into Fight and Flight – these are active defense responses Increased sympathetic arousal, burst of movements, Moving Into Freeze – passive defense response Heart rate goes into a slow state like for hibernation. Digestion slows down, hello heart rate variability circulation. There’s nothing pumping to the arms and the legs, so everything shifts into this near death state Back to Exploratory Orienting Working With the Nervous System Tracking Sensation – describing sensations happening in the body as they are happening Noticing Movement Patterns – acknowledging the shifts that occur Completion of Defensive Responses – allowing the body to carry out the response desired (runnint, punching, kicking, etc) but VERY SLOWLY Sympathetic Discharge When Coming Out of Freeze or Down From High Sympathetic Charge Impala and the Baboon Video Grounding Exercise Neuroception vs Interoception Neuroception is the lower brain assessment of safety/threat in the environment. Interoception is the awareness of one’s own internal states and can be learned over time. Who is Dr Abi Blakeslee: Dr. Abi Blakeslee is faculty at the Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute and Foundation for Human Enrichment. She is additionally Dr. Peter Levine’s legacy faculty at Ergos Institute for Somatic Education. Dr. Blakeslee holds a Ph.D. in Clinical and Somatic Psychology and is a licensed marriage and family therapist. Her dissertation, with a committee that included Dr. Daniel Siegel, generated original research on the role of implicit memory in healing trauma. Dr. Blakeslee integrates SE with clinical research, secondary trauma interventions, and the psychobiological principles of attachment and shock trauma. She treats individuals, couples, children and families in her clinical practice. Dr. Blakeslee teaches and consults worldwide. She lives in Bozeman, MT with her husband and enjoys the snow, mountains, and rivers with her three young children. Resources:   Transcript and .MP3 of Orienting and Grounding Exercises What is Somatic Experiencing? Secondary Trauma in the Workplace: Tools for Awareness, Self-Care, and Organizational Response in Montana By Dr Abi Blakeslee Toddler Trauma: Somatic Experiencing, Attachment, and the Neurophysiology of Dyadic Completion by Joseph P Riordan SEP, MAPS; Abi Blakeslee SEP, CMT, MFT, Ph.D, Peter A Levine Ph.D. More Information About SE Founder Dr. Peter Levine http://www.somaticexpereincing.com   For Professional Training in SE: http://www.traumahealing.org Who doesn’t love special offers? Our course is now available for a deeply discounted early release price! While this course is aimed toward clinicians (CE’s available!), all who are highly interested in deepening the security in yourselves and your relationships are welcome to participate. Price increases on October 22, 2019 when it is released to the wider public. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION   We

Learn what actually works in therapy. It’s hard to verbalize the problem with “evidence-based” models of care, but renowned psychoanalyst and psychologist Nancy McWilliams does just that. She further describes what happens in quality depth-oriented therapies such as psychoanalytically-informed, attachment-oriented therapy, and integrates the neurobiological aspect that Freud started that has now been confirmed. Who is Nancy McWilliams? Nancy McWilliams, PhD, ABPP, is Visiting Professor in the Graduate School of Applied and Professional Psychology at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey, and has a private practice in Flemington, New Jersey. She is on the editorial board of Psychoanalytic Psychology and has authored three classic books on psychotherapy, including the award-winning Psychoanalytic Diagnosis, Second Edition: Understanding Personality Structure in the Clinical Process. Dr. McWilliams is an Honorary Member of the American Psychoanalytic Association and a former Erikson Scholar at the Austen Riggs Center in Stockbridge, Massachusetts. She is a recipient of the Leadership and Scholarship Awards from Division 39 (Psychoanalysis) of the American Psychological Association (APA) and the Hans H. Strupp Award from the Appalachian Psychoanalytic Society, and delivered the Dr. Rosalee G. Weiss Lecture for Outstanding Leaders in Psychology for APA Division 42 (Psychologists in Independent Practice). She has demonstrated psychodynamic psychotherapy in three APA educational videos and has spoken at the commencement ceremonies of the Yale University School of Medicine and the Smith College School for Social Work. Show Notes – Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Therapy with Nancy McWilliams Psychoanalytic Perspective, Trauma & Attachment Based Treatment • Challenges – academic and scientific • Short term focused • Technique driven • However, deprives individuals of the time needed to establish secure attachment to therapist, develop motivation to change, feel root feelings, etc. • Psychoananalytic Perspective • Humanistic-evidence based relationships • Proving and disproving Freud Trauma treatment history • Long term Therapy Benefits • Devoted Therapist Negative Transference “Difficult patients” typically are the ones that evoke parts of ourselves that we don’t like. Our own ugliness, our own badness, all of that. And again, that goes back to long-term treatment, but also long-term treatment of ourselves, you know, as doing our own work and really, you know, a lifelong process. Research on non-verbal communications and what works in therapy. Learning the defenses and what lies underneath • Narcissism/soft toss • Borderline • what would you advise for people to get the most out of their therapy or any close relationship that they’re in? Do you have thoughts about that?   If you enjoy this episode you may also enjoy these: TU105: Narcissism, What is Going On Under the Defense w Sue Marriott & Ann Kelley TU90: Avoidance and the Difficulty Opening Up with Guest Robert T. Muller TU41: The Dark Side Of Therapy: Recognizing When The Therapeutic Relationship Goes Bad   Resources: Psychoanalytic Diagnosis by Nancy McWilliams (textbook for therapists and students) To Know and to Care – A_Review of Psychoanalysis by Nancy McWilliams A psychodynamic formulation masterclass by Nancy McWilliams In Conversation Wih Dr Nancy McWilliam The Therapeutic Presence In Psychoanalys by Nancy McWilliams Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, HER Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed – Lori Gottlieb (Sue read this at Dr. McWilliams suggestion and found it hilarious, poignant and much like therapy occurs in real life. Highly recommended.)   Who doesn’t love special offers? Our course is now available for a deeply discounted early release price! While this course is aimed toward clinicians (CE’s available!), all who are highly interested in deepening the security in yourselves and your relationships are welcome to participate. Price increases on October 22, 2019 when it is released to the wider public. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION We’re on Patreon! Become a Super Neuronerd, a Gold Neuronerd or an Out and Proud PLATINUM NEURONERD today! Join our exclusive community of Therapist Uncensored Neuronerds for just $5 a month! Gain access to a private community and exclusive content. Help us create a ripple of security by sharing the science of relationships around the globe! NEURONERDS UNITE! Click here to sign up. We have pledged 50% of all corporate profits & merch sales (very fun swag!) to organizations that support mental health access to those traditionally left out of mainstream healthcare. We can only do that with the help of our Neuronerd private community. By joining as a Neuronerd premium subscriber, you get a dedicated ad-free feed, deeper dives into select content and first shot at very unique study opportunities. If we’ve provided value then please check us out, poke around, make sure you fe

Hey everybody, we are BACK and ready to take off on Season 4!!! Wahoo! Narcissism – This time we focus on how it’s created and what is going on behind the narcissists defenses. Later we will address Malignant Narcissism, which is in a class all to itself! It deserves an entire episode, but for today we will look at what causes it, healthy and pathological degrees of it and what is really going on under the hood of the person afflicted with narcissism. We really heard the requests wanting to hear more about some of the diagnostic pieces of attachment, trauma and the relational sciences. Specifically, narcissism and borderline personality disorder are of great interest to many of you. We put our heads together about how to best do this in a way that honors those who are struggling with these issues and those in relationship with them. To do this, we are going to weave conversations about narcissism and borderline personality disorder throughout the season. It may be snippets in a podcast about something else, or entire episodes focused on these concerns. Today, we’re going to get started on narcissism. Greek version of the myth: Narcissus, was the son of River God Cephisus and nymph Lyriope. He was known for his beauty and he was loved by God Apollo due to his extraordinary physique. Narcissus was once walking by a lake or river and decided to drink some water; he saw his reflection in the water and was surprised by the beauty he saw; he became entranced by the reflection of himself. He could not obtain the object of his desire though, and he died at the banks of the river or lake from his sorrow. According to the myth Narcissus is still admiring himself in the Underworld, looking at the waters of the Styx. Healthy Narcissism (!?) We all have some element of Narcissism and if we don’t, we get run over in life. We don’t want to be a doormat but we also don’t want to be on a High Horse above it all. We all have narcissism, it’s healthy entitlement. Functional narcissism is about your sense of Self, healthy entitlement and being inside yourself, and really rolling with who you are as a person. It’s being confident instead of being overly in-tune to others opinion of you. Problematic Narcissism If it’s a character trait rather than a moment in time, it’s all about defense. This defense protects the smallness and inadequacy and shame at it’s core, and to compensate, grandiosity is born. That or the opposite, which we will discuss, but if I attack the hell out of myself then I protect myself from you having less than positive feelings about me because I beat you to it. Basically, it’s about deriving self-esteem from outside affirmation in order to maintain internal validity. Narcissism is an injury to the Self, where we’ve had to give ourselves up in service of the other or blow ouselves up to feel “enough”. It is associated with the avoidant/dissmissing attachment category, or the blue side of the attachment spectrum. Narcissistic Tendencies Versus a Disorder (from a Psychologist’s Perspective) It’s only in the much higher degree and more rigid degree of the trait that we would call it disordered or problematic. This is NOT a judgment. We mean it’s problematic for the person who suffers from it and that it infiltrates most every relationship to a point that it significantly impairs daily functioning or social relationships. Not that a person with true Narcissistic personality disorder would notice this distress, because everyone around them are “stupid” or “the best.” You can imagine stupid one’s are differentiated from them and the best one’s reflect their version of themselves. Narcissistic Injury: Example: The blue side – (avoidance/dismissive attachment) is a defense, whether we live there or whether we travel there. When we feel very deeply vulnerable but can’t tolerate that experience, we pull into what we call a narcissistic defense to avoid an injury. We need a balance of healthy narcissism (affirmation from others to build our identity) and narcissistic injury (feeling hurt or injured if criticized or put down). Grandiose Narcissism This one is easy to spot and you can feel it because when their light shines on you, it feels so good. You feel so special and it’s amazing and you would almost do anything for them. If you’re mirroring them back and making them feel good, then you may get that light. But anything can happen where that light will move. And once that light moves, it is dark, and it is painful because that disconnection is tremendous, you holding on to them but they’ve moved on to the next shiney thing. We are sorry to report what you probably already know, they were relating to you not from a place of a connection, but from a place of their need to be validated. Negative Narcissism or Depressive Narcissism Big grandiose narcissism isn’t the only issue, there is also the equal and opposite side of the coin. It’s basically “I am so horrible. I am worse than anybody on the planet”, which makes me

Are you sick of hearing about relationships but interested in attachment? (Or want to deepen your understanding of real world application of the relational sciences while you have a good laugh??!) All the single listeners (think Beyonce) heads up! We are going to break down attachment theory and apply the cool science for all of us…. Continuing in the series on adult attachment, co-host Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP joins Becki Mendivil in a spunky conversation about how attachment affects someone who isn’t in a romantic relationship nor is seeking one, but simply as an individual and a human being. We’ll chat about personal experiences with attachment, how the relational sciences translate to work and parenting with a wide array of anecdotal examples, and dive into the essentials of not remaining in one spot on the attachment spectrum. Becki is self-described as “very blue” so this episode is especially great for those that linger on the avoidant end of the spectrum. Enjoy a great laugh and learn as it unfolds! If you like this you’ll want to be sure and listen to our attachment series, check out episodes 59, 60, and 61! Introduction The problem of assuming someone’s in or seeking a romantic relationship when discussing adult attachment Becki’s giving Therapist Uncensored hosts the what-what on how she reads what we’ve said so far Generational transference of attachment 15:00-30:00: Listening to “The Blue Episode” & Parenting Becki’s experience in listening to the avoidant attachment episode of Therapist Uncensored Seeing the light! Becki’s exeriments to test if this model is actually useful or not. Daughter example. Empathetic silliness unfolds. Sue’s anecdote about her son and changes in attachment Becki affecting change in her physical isolation at work – confronting Sue on therapizing her 🙂 30:00-45:00: Using the Relational Sciences at Work Becki’s wild move towards interacting more directly with peers (!) Avoiding attachment labels/categories as strict definitions of a person Navigating up and down the spectrum of attachment in response to varying types of threats 45:00-60:00: Diving Deeper Attachment disruptions Idea of the “corkscrew” Wrap up and outro   Resources: Adult Attachment Styles in the Workplace – Harms, 2011 article Integrating attachment syle, vigor at work and extra-role performance at work -Little, et al 2011 article Individual differences in Work-Related Well Being, the Role of Attachment 2014     Who doesn’t love special offers? Our course is now available for a deeply discounted pre-sale purchase price! While this course is aimed toward clinicians (CE’s available!), all are welcome to purchase the course. Price increases on October 16, 2019 when it is released. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION   We’re on Patreon! Become a Super Neuronerd, a Gold Neuronerd or an Out and Proud PLATINUM NEURONERD today! 🙂 Join our exclusive community of Therapist Uncensored Neuronerds for just $5 a month! Gain access to private, more in-depth episodes and exclusive content. Help us create a ripple of security by sharing the science of relationships around the globe! NEURONERDS UNITE! Click here to sign up.   We’ve partnered with Audible! Our listeners get a free audiobook plus a 30-day free membership. Cancel at any time! GET MY FREE BOOK! Tweet

Have you ever just sat back and observed a small child as they learn something new? There is this profound sense of awe and wonder with each new discovery they make. Kids are naturally curious. As adults, we tend to take what we know about the world for granted. But, through the eyes of a child, the world is an exciting mystery just waiting to be discovered! What if we told you that it is possible to experience that childlike curiosity in your day-to-day life, starting right now? What if we also told you that curiosity is one of the most powerful relationship tools we have? Curiosity is much more than a quest for knowledge and is not as simple as it seems. In this episode of Therapist Uncensored: Co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott, invite you to rediscover curiosity and experience the world and your relationships from a revitalized perspective! Why is Ann so obsessed with curiosity?! Childlike Wonder: Think about how a child sees things for the first time. It’s strictly curiosity. As we get older, the world becomes more predictable. Being “In the Know” vs “In the Unknown” When we think we know a lot, we limit ourselves. It takes a lot of security to be uncertain. The neuroscience of curiosity A willingness to embrace uncertainty and curiosity go hand in hand. Attachment, curiosity, and anxiety How does our attachment style affect our experience? If you feel bodily anxiety in the questions you’re asking, you’re probably not in the right state. How can we learn to become truly curious about someone in a loving way if we lean towards the blue or red side of the spectrum? If we’re on the blue side of the spectrum, how can we move out to a place where we’re curious. If we’re on the red side, how do we move from asking questions out of anxiety to asking out of curiosity? People who are curious about you are attractive, and we can tell the difference if they’re not really interested. You get to be curious about your therapist. Tips to cultivate curiosity: Train your brain Be aware of what’s happening in your body Recognizing judgment Are you judging people when they speak instead of listening to them? This is a kind of cognitive closure. Slow down and stimulate your own curiosity with questions. Look for novelty and discovery in your interactions. Early relationships often break up out of boredom. You can be curious about your anxiety related to asking questions and even share your anxiety with the person making you nervous. Sharing vulnerability brings people together. Cultivate wonder and awe. To review or learn about the different attachment styles, listen to: TU59: Dismissing/Avoidant Attachment – Are You Cool, or just Cut Off? TU60: Preoccupation in Relationships – Grow Your Security by Learning the Signs of Anxious Attachment TU61: It’s Not Crazy, It’s a Solution to an Unsolvable Problem – Disorganized Attachment TU79: Attachment Spectrum and the Nervous System, Quick Review with Updates Who doesn’t love special offers? Our course is now available for a deeply discounted pre-sale purchase price! While this course is aimed toward clinicians (CE approval for clinicians pending), all are welcome to purchase the course. Price increases on September 18th. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION   We’re on Patreon! Become a Super Neuronerd, a Gold Neuronerd or an Out and Proud PLATINUM NEURONERD today! 🙂 Join our exclusive community of Therapist Uncensored Neuronerds for just $5 a month! Gain access to private, more in-depth episodes and exclusive content. Help us create a ripple of security by sharing the science of relationships around the globe! NEURONERDS UNITE! Click here to sign up.   We’ve partnered with Audible! Our listeners get a free audiobook plus a 30-day free membership. Cancel at any time! GET MY FREE BOOK! Tweet

The Power of Co-Regulation Explore the myth of self-regulation, the natural neurobiology of co-regulation and it’s capacity to engage safety and heal trauma. Learn about using interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB) and Polyvagal Theory to establish safety and security in therapy and in relationships. Therapist Uncensored co-host Sue Marriott LCSW CGP talks with author and therapist Bonnie Badenoch about the concept of using safety to reshape your neural landscape through authentic relationships. Badenoch guides us through her progression of building a bridge between science and practice to cultivate the best therapeutic mind. You’ll learn how exercising “happy humility” and compassion can allow for an ideal presence in our day-to-day life using our autonomic nervous system. Also, special hats off to Steve Porges and polyvagal theory. 0:00-30:00 What creates safety? How do our internal systems want us to be received? Sympathetic activation happens when there’s a need to control something in light of an obstacle. Internal systems challenge to remain in an open and receptive state. Polyvagal theory and Steve Porges. How can we explore the relationship between safety and curiosity and best use the language of “safety,” versus “comfort” and “discomfort”, especially towards the beginning of therapy and in new relationships? Badenoch contends that there’s no such thing as a maladaptive experience; that humans are always adaptive and require co-regulation. What’s the difference between co-regulation and auto-regulation? Is there a “myth” of self-regulation? Discussion of ideal parent figure protocol. Badenoch explores the connection between co-regulation, neural circuitry and forging relationships in your life. 30:00-60:00 Social Baseline Theory is what happens to our perceptions when someone we trust is with us. The difficulty and pain of tasks is always reduced when we’re with a trusted beloved and this relaxes our amygdala response. Badenoch walks us through her experience of feeling safe during and between client sessions. It’s key to have mutual, caring, receptive relationships with people who are willing to listen rather than jump in and try to offer advice. Young therapists. Everyone’s doing the best they can with what they have in their neural make up but how can we embody a therapeutic presence in the world through compassion or a “happy humility”? Resources: A Symphony of Gifts From Relational Neuroscience (1) Excellent PDF from Bonnie Badenoch Being a Brain-Wise Therapist: A Practical Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology [2008] Badenoch The Brain-Savvy Therapist’s Workbook [2011] Badenoch The Heart of Trauma: Healing the Embodied Brain in the Context of Relationships [2017] Badenoch The Heart of Trauma Healing the Embodied Brain in the Context of Relationships by Steve Porges!   For our listeners! Our long-awaited Advanced Course is launching soon! Purchase today for the lowest price possible. Pre-sale pricing ends September 18. CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE   Join Us On Patreon For as little as $5 a month you can join our exclusive community of Therapist Uncensored Neuronerds to gain private, more in-depth episodes AND to support production of this podcast to provide access to the science of relationships across the globe. YES SIGN ME UP FOR PATREON, OR FIND OUT MORE, click here! THANK YOU to all of our current Patrons!! Tweet

We knew we had to interview Dr. Elliott upon finding his book, Attachment Disturbances in Adults, Treatment for Comprehensive Repair(2016). It immediately became Sue’s current favorite read and that is saying a lot! We cover quite a lot in this podcast, especially about treatment, but if that still isn’t enough, these show notes are PACKED with PDF’s of great material offered by Dr. Elliott! Below you will find 4 full PDF handouts about the salient ideas of their synthesis of treatment for adults with attachment disruptions. In today’s episode you will hear about why attachment matters, background thoughts on insecurity and prevalence, brand new (to the US) and updated attachment research and then we mostly focus on how to apply all this knowledge with clients with attachment issues, and ourselves. Dr. Elliott introduces our audience to the 3 Pillars of Comprehensive Treatment: Ideal Parent Protocol, Metacognition and Fostering Collaborative Capacity. While he touches on them all, please download the 4 PDF attachments provided below, and start by reviewing the Overview. If for any reason you have trouble getting them, contact us and we will shoot them over to you! Dr David Elliott’s Bio: Dr. Elliott received his Ph.D. in Psychology in 1989 from Harvard University. His clinical training while at Harvard included externships at the Tufts University Counseling Center, the Outpatient Psychiatry Clinic of St. Elizabeth’s Medical Center in Brighton, Massachusetts, and a clinical psychology internship at McLean Hospital, the psychiatric teaching hospital of Harvard Medical School. He also completed a post-doctoral fellowship at McLean Hospital, where he worked on the Adolescent and Family Treatment Unit and at the hospital’s mental health outpatient clinic. He was licensed as a Psychologist in Massachusetts in 1990, and in Rhode Island in 1993. Recognizing from an early age that there are many dimensions to human experience, any and all of which can contribute to well-being or to difficulty, Dr. Elliott has maintained a commitment to learning and understanding the whole range of human possibility — from the deepest confusions and struggles of psychosis, to the patterns of personality that create personal and relational conflicts, to the development of the self in ways that promote both independence and intimacy, and to higher levels of growth that allow for flourishing and even a recognition of oneself as beyond the limits of the personal self. Four PDFs Overview of the Three Pillars Model of Attachment Treatment (Brown & Elliott, 2016) The Five Primary Conditions that Promote Secure Attachment (Brown & Elliott, 2016) Levels of Metacognitive Skills (Brown & Elliott, 2016) Fostering Collaborative Capacity and Behavior (Brown & Elliott, 2016) Additional resources for this episode: Daniel Brown, co-author of Attachment Disturbances in Adults This is his current website, which focuses on his meditation and spiritual development activities. Attachment Disturbances in Adults Treatment for Comprehensive Repair (2016) Daniel Brown andDavid Elliott Clinical Application of the Adult Attachment Interview Edited by Howard Steele and Mariam Steele Our favorite clinical reference for those that want to learn much more deeply about using the AAI to treat attachment and learn about its usefulness with various populations. Video of Strange Situation to familiarize yourself with Mary Ainsworth and later Mary Main’s phenomenal work. These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page! If you appreciate this work you can help it continue by becoming a Patron – ie. a super fan, or what we call Neuronerds. Get access to a private community, direct access to us and more content Click here to sign up for as little as $5 a month. You can also help us by subscribing on Apple Podcast, Google Podcast, Spotify or Podbean to name a few and by leaving a review so others can discover this cool science. Remember, sharing is caring! Tweet

100 Episodes and Going Strong! A Review of Our Most Popular and Referenced Episodes Tune in for a review of our listener’s favorite episodes and back stories about the evolution of Therapist Uncensored with co-hosts Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott. This is a show hosted by 2 therapists who share the most usable science on attachment relationships, psychotherapy, and trauma. It combines both host lead conversations and interviews with top experts in their respective fields – neuroscientists, therapists, researchers, musicians, pop-culture celebrities, and so on – that share their wisdom about relationships. Today we celebrate starting with colleague Patty Olwell, and evolving everything from our messaging, our website, our audio and editing, and our co-host relationship. This is the last show of Season 3, BUT we will be back with new shows by early September. In the meantime, we will be re-playing some of these favorites. We look forward to our next season of deepening our conversations on attachment, neuroscience, polyvagal theory, depth psychotherapy, sexuality, and more! Most Popular Episodes By Everyone, Including Us! Known as “the bundle” of attachment, these episodes summarize the attachment spectrum and have building security at their core. They are, by far, the most referenced, reviewed, and appreciated! Episode 59: Dismissing/Avoidant attachment. Are you cool or just cut off? Episode 60: Preoccupation in Relationships-Grow your security by learning signs of Anxious Attachment Episode 61: It’s not crazy, it’s just a solution to an unsolvable problem – Disorganized Attachment Other Popular Episodes Include: *Note: listed in order of discussion plus a brief summary of the show conversation Episode 54- The Stress Response System –Attachment Across the Lifespan specifically looking at the elder years and how our attachment system affects us as caretakers of our parents or as the senior who may be undergoing the various losses inherent in aging. Stephen Porges – Episode 93: Polyvagal Theory in Action: The Practice of Body Regulation The father of Polyvagal Theory! fat led to groundbreaking shifts in our understanding of how the nervous system responds to threat and trauma. Dan Siegel – Episode 16: Inside The Mind of Dr. Dan Siegel Father of interpersonal neurobiology Discussed how the current political, international and climate crises could be viewed as a chance to transform human connection. He called for us all to become pervasive leaders. Alan Sroufe – Episode 56: How We Come To Define Ourselves, Attachment Research Across The Decades If you’ve ever wanted to know how much you can predict a person’s development years in advance, then you’ll enjoy our conversation with Dr. Alan Sroufe. his research findings over the years and how insecure and secure attachment tendencies can develop and affect an individual through their lives. Bonnie Badenock – Episode 83: Establishing Neurological Safety Through Relationships discussed how exercising “happy humility” and compassion can allow for an ideal presence in our day-to-day life using our autonomic nervous system. Sympathetic activation happens when there’s a need to control something in light of an obstacle. Internal systems challenge to remain in an open and receptive state. Patricia Crittenden – Episode 96, 97, & 98 One of the originators of attachment theory studied under Mary Ainsworth Ep 96: Attachment and Self-protective strategies Ep 97: Dynamic Maturation Model (DMM) Ep 98: Diving deeper into the DMM of Attachment – our summary   Stan Tatkin – Episode 12: If It’s Not Good For You, It’s Not Good For Us talking about understanding how attachment plays out in Long term relationships In order to get over hidden shame, you need to expose it to safe people. Shame can only be healed interpersonally. Different cultures social constructions of shame. Joining in sharing shame is very powerful tool. Connecting right brain to right brain.   Popular Episodes On Sexuality Episode 3: Different Sex Drives Are We Screwed? Esther Perel – Episode 46: Redefining Infidelity – On Love and Desire in Modern Relationships Dr Susan Ansorage – Episode 71: Speakably Sexy: Communicating To Make Sex Hotter and Relationships More Alive Doug Braun-Harvey – Episode 42 & Episode 43: Sexual Vitality-Refreshing Our Understanding of Sexual Health Discussing love and desire in intimate relationships. promote ways of having a healthy dialogue with partners – deshames sexual desire differences, and Research on how sexuality can manifest differently in our bodies we often make assumptions based on our own experiences of sexuality…what our partner(s) are feeling and this leads to hurt and misunderstanding. The rule of variability – speaking in gendered terms is not our aim – but recognizing the differences in sex drives, sex roles and physiology can be useful. 6 principles of sexual health – add pleasure back into the conversation about healthy sex ,and the whole conversation ch