The Worst Bestsellers

  For part 2 of Nemesis Month, Kait, Renata, and returning guest Naomi read Hollow Earth by Kait’s nemesis John Barrowman (and Carole Barrowman, with whom Kait has no particular beef). It’s a confusing middle grade novel about twins with magic art powers, and the totally not derivative secret society that wants to control those art powers. Or destroy their art powers. Or use their art powers to somehow unleash a bunch of monsters on earth, which for some reason some people would want to do. Or whatever! Listen now to listen to us struggle through good art gone bad. Retraction: We mistakenly took the Barrowmans to task for putting a Chicago-based painting into their London-based narrative but it turns out the painting in question is the Bathers at Asnières by Georges Seurat, which is in London’s National Gallery. OUR BAD, BARROWMANS. Good job with your art research. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: John Barrowman & Daniel Boys – I Know Him So Well Sorry, Kait. Candy pairing: Kait says chocolate coated candy gems, Naomi says saltwater taffy, Renata says sherbet lemons. Coming up next: Killing Lincoln by Bill O’Reilly.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and Rob Lowe’s Other Nemesis Steve read Stories I Can’t Tell My Friends by Renata’s Nemesis, Rob Lowe. In addition to a lot of grade-A 80s celebrity gossip, we learned a lot about Rob Lowe, such as how important he thinks celebrities are and how Cary Grant once gave him a soap on a rope. Listen now to hear Renata over-explain why Rob Lowe is “a hot Paul Harvey.” Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Renata’s Moth story about Rob Lowe Rob Lowe Can’t Read dot com Rob Lowe’s George magazine The Rest of the Story: Paul Harvey, Conservative Talk Radio Pioneer Candy pairing: Kait says weird Lindt truffles, Renata says expensive airport candy, Steve says a Charms Blow Pop. Coming up next: Hollow Earth by John & Carole Barrowman.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guests Ally (of Join the Girl Gang) and Katelyn (of Women of Library History) read the classic evangelical Christian romance novel Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It’s AU Bible fanfiction based on the Book of Hosea, a minor prophet’s story of a fallen woman and the man who loved her, and also Israel. Francine Rivers has transformed it into the story of a good Christian cowboy who marries a soiled dove because God told him to (although it took her awhile to get the memo, possibly due to the Lord’s confusing font choices.) In the end, they all live happily ever after, except for the bad prostitutes who died in a fire, and also the podcasters who had to read this. Content warning: This book contains child abuse, rape, racism, religious prejudice, and Satan, and so does our discussion of it. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure Hugh Jackman’s Australia shower scene Candy pairing: Ally says Testamints, Kait says Bible verse chocolates, Katelyn says soiled Dove promises, Renata says milk. Coming up next: Stories I Only Tell My Friends by Rob Lowe.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guest Margaret (of Two Bossy Dames and Appointment Television) read The Perfect Letter by Chris Harrison. It’s a somewhat competently written romance novel by the host of The Bachelor (and/or an uncredited, under-appreciated ghostwriter). Sadly for us, it has nothing to do with the seedy world of reality television and is instead set in the wholesome world of publishing/horse farms/petty crime. It’s a book that celebrates the power of the written word while sadly undervaluing the importance of sex paperwork. Happy Day After Valentine’s Day! We hope you enjoy your discounted chocolate and free podcasts! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: DIY Sex Paperwork Chris Harrison, the Reigning King of #BachelorNation Candy pairing: Kait says chili pepper chocolate, Margaret says a carne asada burrito, Renata says a gummy rattlesnake. Coming up next: Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

  Kait, Renata, and their returning guest Nicole (of OWL Reviews) read Gerald’s Game by Stephen King and concluded: there’s a good reason this isn’t one of King’s better-known works. What should have been a compelling psychological horror short story is a gross, bloated novel about the importance of sex paperwork. (Of course, regular listeners of Worst Bestsellers are already aware of the importance of sex paperwork.) Even the fact that the titular Gerald dies in the first chapter wasn’t enough to make this enjoyable to our misandrist sensibilities. Join us for this upsetting journey to Maine! Content warning: This book contains sexual assault and child abuse and so does our discussion of it. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Cannes: Stephen King Novel ‘Gerald’s Game’ To Be Adapted By ‘Oculus’ Helmer Mike Flanagan And Intrepid Pictures “Degloving” on Wikipedia The French copy of Gerald’s Game, abandoned at a hostel, which tragically made Renata think this book would be much more exciting than it actually is Candy pairing: Kait says baking chocolate, Nicole says gumballs, Renata says peeled grapes at a Halloween party. Coming up next: The Perfect Letter by Chris Harrison.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)  

For this special episode, Kait, Renata, and their guests Amy (of Join the Girl Gang and Panels), Caroline (of Fantastic Fangirls and Panels), and Samuel (a dazzling youth) all read Twilight Life and Death, the 10th anniversary, gender-swapped edition of Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. We broke down what we liked about the gender swapped version (Julie of the Werewolves) and what we didn’t (Jeremy is a real downgrade from Jessica) and attempted to unpack teenage sexuality in the world of the Twilight saga. Most importantly: Stephenie Meyer played The Rock, Paper, Snikt with us. Spoiler warning: In this episode we briefly discussed Star Wars: The Force Awakens, just in case you haven’t seen it yet and are still concerned about spoilers. Readers advisory: Twilight New Moon Footnotes: Twilight vs. Life and Death: A sexy vampire glossary Fangirl’s Guide to the Galaxy review Twife or Death 36 Ways Twilight changes when the genders are reversed Twilight Wiki: Sulpicia Twilight Wiki: Life and Death to Twilight Book Differences Storytellers: New Voices of the Twilight Saga Fanfiction 101 oh my god, I can go on record saying that one difference between old and new twilight is @TheRock oh my god pic.twitter.com/azCqpn5EJL — alexis nedd (@alexisthenedd) October 6, 2015 @alexisthenedd haha I would whistle at her…!! — Dwayne Johnson (@TheRock) October 6, 2015 Saw the new Twilight book.. just call me “The Whistler”;) https://t.co/BG6NnWgaMZ — Dwayne Johnson (@TheRock) October 7, 2015 Coming up next: Gerald’s Game by Stephen King.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Tune in to our Bests & Worsts of 2015 episodes to hear us discuss these titles and read excerpts from our favorites and least favorites! Please note: We counted things that we read in 2015, regardless of publication year. We didn’t count anything that we read specifically for this podcast, so our worst books are aside from those. For that reason, we picked top 5 favorites and only 1 least favorite–we have this whole podcast to talk about bad books, so for these episodes we’re choosing to focus on the positive! Some of our “worsts” are really just “least best.” Listen to the podcast to hear more detail! Adult Kait’s Top 5 Best 5.) Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, & The Prison of Belief by Lawrence Wright 4.) The Martian by Andy Weir 3.) We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson 2.) Collected Ghost Stories by M. R. James 1.) Annihilation (Southern Reach Trilogy) by Jeff VanderMeer Kait’s Worst The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins   Renata’s Top 5 Best 5.) The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo 4.) Pioneer Girl: The Annotated Autobiography by Laura Ingalls Wilder & Pamela Smith Hill 3.) Between The World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates 2.) The Unspeakable: And Other Topics of Conversation by Meghan Daum 1.) Lafayette in the Somewhat United States by Sarah Vowell   Renata’s Worst I’m Not a Terrorist But I’ve Played One on TV by Maz Jobrani Graphic Novels Kait’s Top 5 Best 5.) Kaptara by Chip Zdarsky & Kagan McLeod 4.) The Wicked + The Divine by Kieron Gillen & Jamie McKelvie 3.) Wytches by Scott Snyder & Jock 2.) The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl by Ryan North & Erica Henderson 1.) Bitch Planet by Kelly Sue DeConnick & Valentine DeLandro An excerpt from Bitch Planet (click to embiggen): Kait’s Worst Locke & Key by Joe Hill & Gabriel Rodriguez An excerpt from Locke & Key (click to embiggen):   Renata’s Top 5 Best 5.) All-New X-Factor by Peter David & Giuseppe Camuncoli 4.) Roller Girl by Victoria Jamieson 3.) The Sandman: Overture by Neil Gaiman & J. H. Williams III 2.) Ms. Marvel by G. Willow Wilson & Adrian Alphona 1.) The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl by Ryan North & Erica Henderson An excerpt from The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl (click to embiggen): Renata’s Worst Arrow by Marc Guggenheim, Andrew Kreisberg, & Mike Grell An excerpt from Arrow (click to embiggen):     * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

As you might have noticed, Kait, Renata, and their special guest, Bossy Dame Sophie, read Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow and have been listening to the Broadway cast recording of Hamilton the musical non-stop. We want you, too, to be in the room where it happens, so we recorded this special Best Bestseller bonus episode to discuss our love of Hamilton and do some readers advisory for both the biography and the musical. We also played some Founding Father FMK. We hope you’ll be satisfied with the scope of our minds at work on all counts! You don’t have to wait for it–if you’re able to take a break this holiday season, add some more items to your overflowing TBR list! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: @Lin-Manuel on Twitter #HamBio on Twitter Lin-Manuel Miranda Discusses How Hip-Hop Influenced Him and Hamilton All the Hip-Hop References in Hamilton: A Track-by-Track Guide How Lin-Manuel Miranda Shapes History Playlist: The Sounds That Shaped Hamilton Sophie’s HamilFeels Spotify Playlist Read Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Genius Annotations for Hamilton Lin-Manuel Miranda on Jay Z, The West Wing, and 18 More Things That Influenced Hamilton A Very Hammy Holiday (The Hamilton Gift Guide) Interactive Constitution Fanfiction 101 Oh this is good. https://t.co/vSeSpcqzIY — Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) December 30, 2015 Coming up next: Bests & Worsts of 2015 (Part 2, Adults and Graphic Novels)   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Tune in to our Bests & Worsts of 2015 episodes to hear us discuss these titles and read excerpts from our favorites and least favorites! Please note: We counted things that we read in 2015, regardless of publication year. We didn’t count anything that we read specifically for this podcast, so our worst books are aside from those. For that reason, we picked top 5 favorites and only 1 least favorite–we have this whole podcast to talk about bad books, so for these episodes we’re choosing to focus on the positive! Some of our “worsts” are really just “least best.” Listen to the podcast to hear more detail! Children’s/Middle Grade Kait’s Top 5 Best 5.) Long Lankin by Lindsey Barraclough 4.) The Night Gardener by Jonathan Auxier 3.) The Cabinet of Curiosities: 36 Tales Brief & Sinister by Stefan Bachmann, Katherine Catmull, Claire Legrand & Emma Trevayne 2.) The Crossover by Kwame Alexander 1.) Iron Hearted Violet by Kelly Barnhill   Kait’s Worst The Crossroads by Chris Grabenstein   Renata’s Top 5 Best 5.) Gone Crazy in Alabama by Rita Williams-Garcia 4.) Absolutely Almost by Lisa Graff 3.) The War That Saved My Life by Kimberly Brubaker Bradley 2.) The Thing About Jellyfish by Ali Benjamin 1.) The Crossover by Kwame Alexander   Renata’s Worst Nightingale’s Nest by Nikki Loftin   Young Adult Kait’s Top 5 Best 5.) Proxy by Alex London 4.) More Happy Than Not by Adam Silvera 3.) Please Ignore Vera Dietz by A. S. King 2.) Paper Valentine by Brenna Yovanoff 1.) Simon Vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli   Kait’s Worst Panic by Lauren Oliver   Renata’s Top 5 Best 5.) The Carnival at Bray by Jessie Ann Foley 4.) Gabi, A Girl in Pieces by Isabel Quintero 3.) Winter by Marissa Meyer 2.) Dumplin’ by Julie Murphy 1.) Carry On by Rainbow Rowell   Renata’s Worst Alice in Zombieland by Gena Showalter   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their returning guest Caitlin read The Mistletoe Promise by Richard Paul Evans and unanimously agreed: it’s not nearly as bad as The Christmas Sweater was! In fact we actually… kinda liked The Mistletoe Promise? We liked it almost as much as the heroine of this book likes sweet pork salads, which is a lot. Listen now to hear us learn what exactly a sweet pork salad is, plus an important moral lesson (but not the lesson we were expecting to learn). Content warning: This book contains infant death, and so does our discussion of it. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Fatal Distraction by Gene Weingarten Cafe Rio Sweet Pork Salads Alton Brown’s Mincemeat Pie Special note: We’re having a contest and the grand prize is a signed copy of The Mistletoe Promise. Click here for details on how to enter! Candy pairing: Caitlin says Necco wafers, Kait says peppermint bark, Renata says kettle korn. Coming up next: Bests & Worsts of 2015 (Part 1, Children’s and YA)   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guest Sophie (of Two Bossy Dames) read Purity by Jonathan Franzen, a length tome on technology, privacy, and mostly, how women are the worst. They are just the worst! Luckily, these women often have older men around, on whom to fixate their attention. If they’re lucky, they might even get to bone a writer! Also: Jonathan Franzen never got around to adopting that orphan to explain Youth Culture to him, and it shows. Listen now to hear us womansplain the internet! Content warning: This book contains some questionable sexual content, and so does our discussion of it. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: The Song Franzen Called A “Great Song” At The End Of Purity Is The Worst Thing About Purity Lunch With The FT: Jonathan Franzen Orange Is The New Black Book Funeral Purity by Jonathan Franzen review – dazzling, hilarious, and problematic Candy pairing: Kait says overpriced organic fair trade chocolate, Renata says anything that’s been recalled, Sophie says 3 Musketeers. Coming up next: The Mistletoe Promise by Richard Paul Evans.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guests Abby (The Librarian) and Molly (author of The Princesses of Iowa) read Whisper of Death by Christopher Pike. It’s arguably even more bonkers than the last Christopher Pike book they read, even though it doesn’t even have any lizard people in it (as far as we can tell). Listen now to hear us attempt to unpack this convoluted, anti-bullying, anti-choice, 90s teen thriller! Content warning: This book contains sexual assault and abortion, and so does our discussion of it. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Tips for Teens from Christopher Pike Candy pairing: Abby says Baby Bottle Pops, Kait says Milk Duds, Molly says Snickers with glass shards, Renata says dark chocolate espresso beans. Coming up next: Purity by Jonathan Franzen.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guests Becca and Kristi read The President Did Me From Behind And I Liked It, I Got Freaky With Santa Claus And I Liked It, and Bigfoot Did Me From Behind And I Liked It by Raven Blackbird. These self-published erotic comedies proved to be neither very erotic nor very comedic, but they are available for 99 cents on Amazon. Listen to this NSFW (unless you happen to work at the North Pole with Dirty Santa) episode now to hear us long for the straightforward world of dinosaur erotica. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Fanfiction 101 Forget Dinosaur Erotica, It’s All About Bigfoot Erotica Now Candy pairing: Becca says root beer barrels, Kait says Sour Skittles, Kristi says Reese’s peanut butter cups, Renata says Cadbury Screme Eggs. Coming up next: Whisper of Death by Christopher Pike.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guests Ashley and Sam dipped their toes into the confusing and unsanitary waters of creature erotica with Dino Park After Dark by Christie Sims & Alara Branwen. We’re still not convinced it adds up physiologically, but sometimes love is strange. A bonus (for us): it’s the shortest book we’ve read for the podcast, which gives us more time to devote to reading biographies of Alexander Hamilton! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Q&A: The Women Who Write Dinosaur Erotica Bad Dragon Toys (NSFW) Savage Love: Back in the Saddle Oh Joy Sex Toy: Bad Dragon Cock Sheath review (NSFW) Candy pairing: Ashley says restaurant peppermints, Kait says a bag of gummy dinos with a few gummy penises accidentally mixed in, Renata says bacon-flavor mystery Dum-Dums, Sam says dinosaur egg Peeps. Coming up next: The President Did Me From Behind And I Liked It, I Got Freaky With Santa Claus And I Liked It, and Bigfoot Did Me From Behind And I Liked It by Raven Blackbird   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

It’s been one year since our very first episode, when Caroline of Fantastic Fangirls read Twilight by Stephenie Meyer with us! To celebrate, we decided to return to the scene of the crime and read New Moon, the next book in the Twilight saga. Also, we decided to drink heavily while we talked about it. We crowdsourced a Worst Bestsellers drinking game and played it as we recorded. It turns out that if you drink every time one of us says “literally,” you’ll get pretty drunk! We hope you enjoy listening to this extra-long special episode as much as we enjoyed recording it, but that’s honestly probably impossible. Thanks for listening to us this year! We hope to continue reading stuff so you don’t have to for years to come. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Another Look at Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight American Indians in Children’s Literature on Twilight Sucking The Quileute Dry Truth Versus Twilight Running With The Wolves: A Racialicious Reading of Twilight New Moon and the Joys of Face Punch The Vamp Sex Toy (NSFW) Worst Bestsellers Drinking Game Forever Young Adult’s New Moon Drinking Game Candy pairing: Caroline says giant Reese’s peanut butter cups, Kait says Mr. Goodbar, Renata says Dove Promises. Coming up next: Dino Park After Dark by Christie Sims & Alara Branwen. Special note: We’re having a Twilight movie tweet-along on 7pm (EST) the evening of October 4th. It’s currently streaming on Netflix. We hope you’ll join us with #TwiWorst ! Netflix took down the Twilight movie on October 1st, so we’ll be livetweeting the documentary TWILIGHT IN VOLTERRA instead.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

  Kait, Renata, and their pre-clear guest Sigrid (@SigridEllis) read Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard, a man who is on record as not believing in second drafts. It’s definitely the worst thing we’ve ever read, and also now we’re afraid we’re going to get sued. Why didn’t we just keep reading Nora Roberts books? Because then, dear listeners, we wouldn’t be able to explain to you how to clear all your engrams and reach Tone 4. You’re welcome.* * We are not actually licensed auditors and cannot promise to clear any engrams whatsoever. Please don’t sue us. Content warning: This episode contains discussion of abortion, attempted abortion, and domestic violence. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: How We Cleared Ourselves of Dianetics The Apostate: Paul Haggis vs The Church of Scientology by Lawrence Wright Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Televangelists Fanfiction 101 Candy pairing: Kait says an apple with a razor blade inside, Renata says a misprinted Laffy Taffy, Sigrid says Candy Blox. Coming up next: New Moon by Stephenie Meyer. Special note: Our New Moon episode is our one-year anniversary! To celebrate, we plan to play a drinking game while we record. Please send us suggested rules for the drinking game, either on Twitter, Facebook, or email at worstbestsellers at gmail. We are also tentatively planning a Twilight movie tweet-along for some time the evening of October 4th. It’s currently streaming on Netflix, but if you don’t have Netflix and want to participate, start tracking down a DVD now. Thanks, Best Listeners!     * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)  

By popular demand, Kait, Renata, and returning guest Anna of Bellwether Friends read Grey by E. L. James. It’s Fifty Shades of Grey from the point of view of Christian Grey and his talkative cock. We went on record as… well, not quite fans of the original book, but we didn’t hate it. Unfortunately, Christian’s POV made us long for Ana’s inner goddess. If you take a drink every time we say the word “gross” in this episode, you’ll be very well-hydrated! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Anna’s Fifty Shades Readalikes Project In Defense of Fifty Shades of Grey (Sort Of) All the Things Christian Grey’s Cock Gets Up to in the New Fifty Shades An Epic Chart of 162 YA Retellings Only Your Housekeeper Knows For Sure Candy pairing: Anna says ABC gum, Kait says generic Valentine’s chocolates (forgotten at the bottom of a purse), Renata says apples. Coming up next: Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Welcome to Cougartown! Kait, Renata, and their guest Kathryn read Black Hills by Nora Roberts. Nora Roberts has written over 200 books, and this one is about a murder mystery on a big cat sanctuary. It’s a sexy page-turner with something for everyone, including Duarte. We hope you have enjoyed Worst Bestsellers, because we loved this book so much that from this point forward we’re changing focus to become a Nora Roberts Fan Club. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Nora Roberts: The woman who rewrote the rules for romance fiction Nora Roberts & Inn BoonsBoro How Harlequin Became the Most Famous Name in Romance If You Got Mad Over Cecil the Lion, Here are 5 Ways You Can Bring About Change Candy pairing: Kait says mini Reese’s peanut butter cups, Kathryn says black panther Endangered Species Chocolate, Renata says Girl Scout cookies. Coming up next: Grey by E.L. James * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guest, actual scientist Sarah (@allthatihavemet, @sarahnbay) read Inferno by Dan Brown. It’s the fourth book about Robert Langdon, and probably the only one where he faces a problem that cannot be solved with symbology alone and must ally with the World Health Organization. We struggle to comprehend all of the book’s double, triple, and even quadruple crosses. Listen now to hear Sarah explain why Dan Brown should have talked to a geneticist before trying to write about genetics! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Fact-Checking Dan Brown’s “Inferno” Dan Brown’s “Inferno”: Good Plot, Bad Science WHO releases guidance on mental health care after trauma Candy pairing: Kait says unidentified Asian supermarket candy, Renata says cotton candy Italian ice, Sarah says black licorice. Coming up next: Black Hills by Nora Roberts.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guest Kelly read The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan. It’s the story of a teenage girl bravely fleeing her oppressive, zombie-infested village to start a new life where she can freely express herself. Or… to be with her true love? Actually maybe she just wants to look at the ocean for awhile. Whatever. Readers advisory: Here. Candy pairing: Kait says Twizzlers, Kelly says Blackpool rock, Renata says Halls cough drops. Coming up next: Inferno by Dan Brown.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)  

Kait, Renata, and the ghost who lives in Kait’s apartment read True Believer by Nicholas Sparks, the inventor of the “love tragedy” genre. It’s a ghost story without ghosts and a love story without any real romantic chemistry. Listen now to hear our fan theory of how True Believer is a crossover with Outlander! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Nicholas Sparks Confirmed My Fears Author Nicholas Sparks accused of being racist, homophobe by ex-head of Sparks-founded school Candy pairing: Kait says fake old-timey penny candy, Renata says ghost Peeps. Coming up next: The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guest Molly read Live and Let Die by Ian Fleming. It’s the second James Bond novel and probably the most racist one. (We didn’t read the other ones to confirm, though.) Can 007 possibly win when literally all the black people in America have united against him? What about all of the sea creatures? Listen now to hear us once again urge you to watch the movie instead of reading the book. Content warning: We recorded this episode before the Charlestown church shooting. If, in the wake of that horrific hate crime, you are not in the mood to listen to us talk about Ian Fleming’s gross 1950s-era racism, you might want to skip this episode. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: James Bond Memes food infographic “Live and Let Die” by Paul McCartney & Wings Crocodile Farm Escape Scene from the Live and Let Die movie Candy pairing: Kait says candy cigarettes, Molly says Aunt Jemima syrup, Renata says Werther’s Originals. Coming up next: True Believer by Nicholas Sparks.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guest Jennie (of Biblio File and Explaining Songs to My Toddler) read The Greek Tycoon’s Blackmailed Mistress by Lynne Graham. This Harlequin romance novel has more complicated sex paperwork than Fifty Shades of Grey, but less sexy sex. Listen now to find out about what euphemisms for “nipple” wealthy Greek tycoons prefer! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Billionaires and Babies What Happened to the Harlequin Romance? Mothering Heights: The (Over?) Importance of Procreation in Romance Novels Candy pairing: Jennie says Tabasco Jelly Bellies, Kait says white chocolate Kit-Kats, Renata says white chocolate Kit-Kats. Coming up next: Live and Let Die by Ian Fleming.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guest Nick (@polykinetic) read The Target by David Baldacci. It’s the story of CIA assassins and neo-Nazis and North Korean prison camps, but most of all, it’s the story of the power of maternal love. Actually, most of all, it’s the story of USA! USA! USA! Our discussion of this book is perfect to play over loudspeakers at your Memorial Day BBQs, or any other time you need to feel a searing burst of patriotism. Content warning: This book contains scenes of sexual assault and we discuss those scenes in this episode. Readers advisory: Here. Special note: Thanks so much to Malia for donating to support our charitable causes! If you live in Bloomington, Indiana, check out their chapter of the Forever Young Adult book club! Also, we’re taking a short survey to see how you guys feel about our podcast! Candy pairing: Kait says a birthday party goody bag, Nick says Bazooka Joe, Renata says Pop Rocks. Coming up next: The Greek Tycoon’s Blackmailed Mistress by Lynne Graham.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and Kait’s secret cousin Nicole read City of Bones by Cassandra Clare, because we read all the rest of the Harry Potter fanfiction the internet had to offer. This is a book with something for everyone: vampires, werewolves, magical cats, telepathic monks, Shadowhunters, and surprise incest. Listen now for all of that, plus an in-depth discussion of Cassandra Clare’s sordid fandom history! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Nicole’s vlog review of The Knife of Never Letting Go The Very Secret Diaries Cassandra Clare on Fanlore Special note: We’re still raising money for a few charitable causes! Please support us here! Thanks to Dee for her support! Make sure to check out her blog, Your Number 54 Fan. Candy pairing: Kait says generic M&Ms, Nicole says Cherryheads, Renata says Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans. Coming up next: The Target by David Baldacci.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and returning guest Caroline (of Fantastic Fangirls and Panels) read Disclosure by Michael Crichton. It’s the ultimate sci-fi horror story for white men: a woman sexually harasses a man and lies about it, and everyone believes the woman! Luckily, the intrepid hero is able to use high-tech 1993-era virtual reality to solve his problems and put that lying lady in her place. Prepare your dialup modem for our 20th episode of #MisandryMonday! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Michael Crichton’s notes on Disclosure Clip from Community‘s VR episode Special note: We’re still raising money for a few charitable causes! Please support us here! Candy pairing: Caroline says Peepsters, Kait says Lifesavers Holes, Renata says a Yorkie bar. Coming up next: City of Bones by Cassandra Clare.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and returning guest Margaret (one of Two Bossy Dames) read Modelland by America’s Top Author Tyra Banks! It’s a fashionable YA dystopia with 550 pages of text and easily 1000 nonsensical made-up concepts. This episode is plus-sized because we had so much to unpack, and also because Margaret is such a delightful Intoxibella that it is difficult to stop talking to her. Put on your best smize and listen now! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: America’s Next Top Model Cycle 17, “Tyson Beckford” (featuring Modelland motion pictorials) AV Club Review of ANTM “Tyson Beckford” Satellite Dish: Modelland Special Special note: We’re raising money for a few charitable causes! Please support us here! Thanks to Laura for being our first supporter! Check out her Abortion Access Bowl-a-Thon team. Candy pairing: Kait says an elaborate lollipop, Margaret says M&M’s personalized with Tyra Banks’s initials, Renata says a can of whipped cream. Coming up next: Disclosure by Michael Crichton.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guest Amy read Not Cool: The Hipster Elite and their War on You by Greg Gutfeld. It’s the idle musings of a Fox News correspondent who hates “cool” things, such as Sean Penn, the environment, and minorities. We struggled to unpack the double-speak inherent in Gutfeld’s argument that “uncool” things are actually “cool,” but then, we’re women, and as such are easily swayed by trends (or so we learned). Listen now, if you’re cool enough to have an MP3 player, or uncool enough to listen to podcasts on vinyl! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: In Praise of Fox News’s Greg Gutfeld Look at This Fucking Hipster Candy pairing: Amy says old gum, Kait says broken glass, Renata says a bag of dicks. Coming up next: Modelland by Tyra Banks.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guests Sophi and Stacey read (or re-read) Flowers in the Attic by V. C. Andrews. Some of us reflected fondly about furtively reading this in our childhoods, while others of us struggled to understand the appeal of the Dollanganger saga. Don’t worry–we read the sex scene aloud, so you don’t have to find that dogeared page from your library’s copy. Curl up with your loved ones and listen to the sinful struggles of the devil’s issue! Content Warning: Flowers in the Attic contains several types of incest (most prominently sibling incest) and a scene of sexual assault, both of which are discussed in this episode. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: What It’s Like to Date Your Dad Candy pairing: Kait says black licorice, Renata says an inedible Christmas ornament, Sophi says Sugar Daddys, and Stacey says Hostess powdered Donettes. Coming up next: Not Cool: The Hipster Elite and Their War On You by Greg Gutfeld.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)    

Kait, Renata, and their guest Abby (The Librarian) read Middle School, The Worst Years of My Life by James Patterson and Chris Tebbetts. It’s an unexpectedly dark psychological thriller (of sorts) that made us reflect on our own middle school years and also wonder if James Patterson has ever actually set foot inside a school. Listen now to hear why James Patterson once again failed to win the Newbery Medal! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: The Henry Ford of Books Read, Kiddo, Read 2015 Newbery Medal Candy pairing: Abby says Almond Joys, Kait says Airheads X-Treme, Renata says Starburst jellybeans. Coming up next: Flowers in the Attic by V. C. Andrews.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Renata was snowed in, so she had three lesbians–Kait, returning guest Anna of Bellwether Friends, and internet personality Laura–tell her all about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. They all agreed: it needed more dick. We also addressed various weird plot points of the book that we ran out of time to discuss in the last episode, encouraged people to donate money to whatever charity they want whenever they want, and made controversial comparisons to Love Actually. There’s no way you can be as sick of hearing about Fifty Shades of Grey as we are of talking about it, so put on your sex jeans and tune in to this bonus episode! Footnotes: American Sniper film ‘behind rise in anti-Muslim threats’ Anti-Sex Worker Activists Are Behind #50DollarsNot50Shades “A Few Thoughts on Fifty Shades of Grey” by Roxane Gay The Rocky Road to the Making of the Fifty Shades of Grey Movie Love is Respect Intro to BDSM Safety by Abby Howard (NSFW) Coming up next: Middle School, The Worst Years of my Life by James Patterson.

Kait, Renata, and their guest Anna of Bellwether Friends read Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James! Their inner goddesses are all annoyed at how much they felt compelled to defend this book. Sure, it’s unconventional to have a modern college-aged protagonist who doesn’t own a computer, but once you get over the initial shock, it’s really not as bad as we thought it would be. Plus: our inaugural game of The Rock, Paper, SNIKT! and a dramatic reading of the infamous tampon scene. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Anna’s Fifty Shades Readalikes Project In Defense of Fifty Shades of Grey (Sort Of) Oh Joy, Sex Toy’s Fifty Shades Review by Erika Moen (NSFW) “Does Kinkphobia Color Criticism of Fifty Shades of Grey?” by Catherine Scott “The Real Fantasy of Fifty Shades of Grey” by Alyssa Rosenberg “The Trouble With Prince Charming or He Who Trespassed Against Us” by Roxane Gay “Sex, Lies, and Fifty Shades” by Leslie Bennetts Candy pairing: Anna says Sugar Daddys, Kait says generic Valentine’s chocolates, Renata says bachelorette party chocolate. Coming up next: Middle School, The Worst Years of my Life by James Patterson.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their guest Becca put on their forbidden satin gowns and read The Shunning by Beverly Lewis. It’s the ferhoodling story of a mildly rebellious Amish girl whose worldly desires eventually lead to her getting shunned by the community. Before they get around to all that, though, they have a lot of quilts to make and desserts to describe. If your religious traditions permit you to listen to podcasts, join us today! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Bonnet Rippers: The Rise of the Amish Romance Novel Amish Tech Candy pairing: Becca says Ativan, Kait says buttermints, Renata says disappointing apple pie. Coming up next: Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Kait, Renata, and their special guests Amanda and Christy read Need for Speed: The Movie Novelization by Brian Kelleher, a book based on a movie based on the video game based on the invention of the automobile. We originally read this book hoping that, like some of our favorite movie novelizations of years past, it would solve some of the lingering questions raised by the film, such as “Did that kid have psychic powers or what?” and “Was Aaron Paul’s character driven mad by solitary confinement, or just really bad at revenge?” Instead of answers, we found a confusing blend of Fast and the Furious fanfiction and Oz fanfiction, without any glossy photos of Aaron Paul enclosed to soothe our trauma. Listen now to hear four women who don’t know anything about cars lament just how hard it is to make a coherent storyline about street racing! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Need for Speed Book Club on Tumblr Christy’s amazing excerpts from the Need for Speed audiobook Candy pairing: Amanda says Warheads, Christy says Red Bull, Kait says Atomic Fireballs, Renata says banana Runts. Coming up next: The Shunning by Beverly Lewis.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Ring in the new year–1743–with Kait, Renata, and their guest lassie Erica! We read Outlander by Diana Gabaldon and we learned so much about British history, medicinal herbs, corporal punishment, witchcraft, animal husbandry, the Loch Ness Monster, and many other sexy topics. Sync your MP3 player to your nearest henge to listen now! Content warning: Outlander contains sexual assault and we discuss it in this episode. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Objectified Scotsman Thursday. Diana Gabaldon Fanlore Diana Gabaldon on her Doctor Who inspiration Candy pairing: Erica says mixed bags of Halloween candy, Kait says beef jerky (or herbs), Renata says Everlasting Gobstoppers. Coming up next: Need for Speed: the Movie Novelization by Brian Kelleher.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)  

Tune in to our Bests & Worsts of 2014 episodes to hear us discuss these titles and read excerpts from our favorites and least favorites! Please note: We counted things that we read in 2014, regardless of publication year. We didn’t count anything that we read specifically for this podcast, so our worst books are aside from those. For that reason, we picked top 5 favorites and only 1 least favorite–we have this whole podcast to talk about bad books, so for these episodes we’re choosing to focus on the positive! Some of our “worsts” are really just “least best.” Listen to the podcast to hear more detail! Adult Kait’s Top 5 Best 5.) Dead Mountain: The Untold True Story of the Dyatlov Pass Incident by Donnie Eichar 4.) The Universe Versus Alex Woods by Gavin Extence 3.) Rooms by Lauren Oliver 2.) Yes Please by Amy Poehler 1.) Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay   Kait’s Worst Horrorstor by Grady Hendrix   Renata’s Top 5 Best 6.) Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg 5.) The Magician’s Land by Lev Grossman 4.) This Changes Everything by Naomi Klein 3.) Where’d You Go, Bernadette by Maria Semple 2.) Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie 1.) Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay Renata’s Worst Raylan by Elmore Leonard   Comics/Graphic Novels Kait’s Top 5 Best 5.) Hawkeye: LA Woman by Matt Fraction & Katie Wu 4.) This One Summer by Jillian Tamaki & Mariko Tamaki 3.) Through the Woods by Emily Carroll 2.) The Superior Foes of Spider-Man by Nick Spencer & Steve Lieber 1.) Lumberjanes by Noelle Stevenson, Grace Ellis, & Brooke Allen An excerpt from Lumberjanes (click to embiggen!): Kait’s Worst Uncanny Avengers by Rick Remender & John Cassaday (See below for an excerpt after Renata’s list!)   Renata’s Top 5 Best 5.) She-Hulk by Dan Slott & Juan Bobillo 4.) Seconds by Bryan Lee O’Malley 3.) El Deafo by Cece Bell 2.) Saga by Brian K. Vaughn & Fiona Staples 1.) Captain Marvel by Kelly Sue DeConnick & David Lopez An excerpt from Captain Marvel (click to embiggen!): Renata’s Worst Uncanny Avengers by Rick Remender & John Cassaday A brief (you’re welcome) excerpt (click to embiggen):

Tune in to our Bests & Worsts of 2014 episodes to hear us discuss these titles and read excerpts from our favorites and least favorites! Please note: We counted things that we read in 2014, regardless of publication year. We didn’t count anything that we read specifically for this podcast, so our worst books are aside from those. For that reason, we picked top 5 favorites and only 1 least favorite–we have this whole podcast to talk about bad books, so for these episodes we’re choosing to focus on the positive! Some of our “worsts” are really just “least best.” Listen to the podcast to hear more detail! Children’s/Middle Grade Kait’s Top 5 Best 5.) The Nightmarys by Dan Poblocki 4.) Tanith Low in the Maleficent Seven by Derek Landy 3.) Doll Bones by Holly Black 2.) P. S. Be Eleven by Rita Williams-Garcia 1.) The Riverman by Aaron Starmer   Kait’s Worst Another Whole Nother Story by Dr. Cuthbert Soup Renata’s Top 5 Best 5.) Cold Cereal by Adam Rex 4.) Gregor the Overlander by Suzanne Collins 3.) File Under: 13 Suspicious Incidents by Lemony Snicket 2.) One Crazy Summer by Rita Williams-Garcia 1.) Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson   Renata’s Worst Dangerous by Shannon Hale   Young Adult Kait’s Top 5 Best 5.) Adaptation by Malinda Lo 4.) The Coldest Girl in Coldtown by Holly Black 3.) Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell 2.) The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater 1.) Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Saenz   Kait’s Worst The Name of the Star by Maureen Johnson   Renata’s Top 5 Best 5.) Glory O’Brien’s History of the Future by A. S. King 4.) Wildlife by Fiona Wood 3.) Cress by Marissa Meyer 2.) Blue Lily, Lily Blue by Maggie Stiefvater 1.) Afterworlds by Scott Westerfeld   Renata’s Worst Let’s Get Lost by Adi Alsaid   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

This is it: Kait, Renata, and their guest Caitlin have found the very worst bestseller. It’s The Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck and it is truly terrible on every level. Listen now to hear our spirits get fully crushed by this holiday story of a young boy who loses everything because he selfishly wanted a bicycle for Christmas. Or you could spend an hour appreciating your family, so you won’t be wracked with guilt when they die. The choice is yours! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Little Libertarians on the Prairie Candy pairing: Caitlin says Violets, Kait says Werthers Originals, Renata says no candy, get a job. Coming up next: Outlander by Diana Gabaldon.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

God wanted to make sure you understood the true meaning of Christmas, so he sent you this podcast episode based on the movie, based on the novel, based on the song, The Christmas Shoes. In this bonus mini-sode, Kait and Renata confront Renata’s long-time nemesis Rob Lowe and conclude that he’s perfectly suited to play a douchebag lawyer who requires human sacrifices before he changes his behavior. We’re also pleased to see that this 12-year-old movie appears to have taken many of the notes we made about the novel’s shortcomings in last week’s episode. Listen now, before one of your loved ones comes down with a case of Christmas cancer! Footnotes: Renata’s Moth story about her rivalry with Rob Lowe The Christmas Shoes movie on YouTube Coming up next: The Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

For this very special holiday episode, Kait and Renata are joined by librarian/Christmas enthusiast Ashley to discuss The Christmas Shoes by Donna VanLiere, the bestselling novel based on a #1 hit single. From this book we learned that Heaven has a dress code and that God will kill as many women as he has to in order to teach rich white men the true meaning of Christmas! Pour yourself some eggnog, put on your crying shoes, and settle in for some good old-fashioned holiday emotional manipulation. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Newsong’s “Christmas Shoes” music video Patton Oswalt’s “Christmas Shoes” animation The Christmas Shoes movie Candy pairing: Ashley says candy canes, Kait says generic advent calendar chocolate, Renata says store-bought Christmas cookies. Coming up next: The Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

In this shocking episode, Kait and Renata have their first-ever white male guest, Renata’s brother Reid, to discuss Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims by noted white male Rush Limbaugh. In this book Rush Revere, an irresponsible substitute teacher/iced tea mascot and his talking, time-traveling horse take children of an alarmingly indeterminate age back to meet the Puritans. Listen now to learn about how much the Pilgrims hated socialism! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: American Indians in Children’s Literature’s review of Rush Revere Two if By Tea, Rush Limbaugh’s actual real life iced tea company DailyKos article featuring creepy Rush Revere illustrations Candy pairing: Kait says Mary Janes, Reid says Flags of Freedom, Renata says Boy Scout popcorn. Coming up next: The Christmas Shoes by Donna VanLiere   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

  Kait, Renata, and their guest, practicing misandrist Naomi, read Under the Radar by Fern Michaels and questioned the motives of the vigilante Sisterhood. You’d think a group of women dedicated to rescuing women from abuse would have sympathy for the forced sister wives of a polygamist cult, but as we discovered–you’d be shockingly incorrect about that. Listen now and help us figure out what all the pumpkins were for! PS: This episode ran longer than usual because this book has approximately as many characters as Game of Thrones and we needed time to discuss them all. We’re sure you’ll understand. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Fern Michaels’s Sisterhood character descriptions Candy pairing: Kait says Starburst Fave Reds, Naomi says pumpkin spice M&Ms, Renata says chocolate Viactiv chews. Coming up next: Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims by Rush Limbaugh. * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

In this episode, Kait, Renata, and their guest Lisa struggle to piece together the clues of Christopher Pike’s Scavenger Hunt. As far as we can tell, it’s the story of a bunch of horny high school students on a scavenger hunt with their dead friend (who has been semi-reincarnated into the body of a brain-damaged football player). Did we mention that some of the high schoolers are secretly lizard people? Did we mention that the prize for winning the scavenger hunt is you get to be a human sacrifice for the aforementioned lizard people? Listen now and relive your misspent youth! Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Forever Young Adult’s breakdown of Christopher Pike’s most commonly-used tropes Candy pairing: Kait says candy necklaces, Renata says chocolate covered crickets. Coming up next: Under the Radar by Fern Michaels. * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Listeners, will you accept this bonus episode? Margaret of Two Bossy Dames joins Kait, Renata, and returning guest Stacey to explain The Bachelor to us in this follow-up to our episode about I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends: Confessions of a Reality Show Villain by Courtney Robertson. In return, we read her more classy excerpts from Courtney’s book. Listen now to hear us struggle valiantly with names like Adrian Grenier, Arie Luyendyk, and Ben Flapjack. Um, Flajnik. PS: if any reality television producers are listening, please contact us ASAP about the important new reality shows we’ve pitched in this episode! Footnotes: Pop Culture Happy Hour #200, featuring Margaret answering questions about I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends. CNN interview confirming Renata’s pronunciation of Adrian Grenier’s name Coming up next: Scavenger Hunt by Christopher Pike. * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

In this shocking rose ceremony–we mean podcast–three people who have never watched The Bachelor staunchly defend the show’s greatest villain! Kait and Renata are joined by Stacey to discuss I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends: Confessions of a Reality Show Villain by Courtney Robertson. We learned more than we ever expected to know about the winner of Season 16 of the Bachelor’s modelling career, wardrobe, and pubic hair. And frankly, we thought it all sounded fairly reasonable. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: The Bachelor ‘Mean Girl’ The Women of the Bachelor Speak Out Against Courtney Candy pairing: Kait says gummy bears, Renata says cotton candy, Stacey says candy corn. Coming up next: Scavenger Hunt by Christopher Pike. * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

For our third episode, Kait and Renata are joined by writer/activist Keane to discuss The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. This best-selling self-help book taught us that the Universe doesn’t understand the word “no.” Seriously, the Universe, no means no. Listen now to learn how to manipulate the Universe to cook a man! Or cook a man’s meal. The choice is yours. This episode was definitely not brought to you by Christian Mingle dot com. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: Blank check from the Universe. Oprah on how The Secret made The Color Purple happen. Barbara Ehrenreich’s Bright-Sided Explores the Dark Side of Positive Thinking Candy pairing: Kait says sugary protein bars, Keane says Willy Wonka gum, Renata says a poisoned apple. Coming up next: I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends: Confessions of a Reality Show Villain by Courtney Robertson   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

In our second episode of Worst Bestsellers, Kait, Renata, and their special guest Angie from Fat Girl Reading read Theodore Boone: Kid Lawyer, John Grisham’s weird attempt to tap the lucrative children’s book market. Listen to us wonder if John Grisham has interacted with anyone under the age of 18 in the last 20 years. For bonus points: count the number of times we call something “gross,” because this book was overall pretty dang gross. Readers advisory: Here. Footnotes: John Grisham: How Theodore Boone Came Into Being. (Spoiler: to spite J. K. Rowling.) Candy pairing: Angie says wax lips, Kait says mini Mr. Goodbars, Renata says beer Jelly Bellies. Coming up next: The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)

Welcome to the very first episode of Worst Bestsellers! Kait, Renata, and their special guest Caroline from Fantastic Fangirls, talk about Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. Listen now to hear about nutritive power of tofu, the untapped potential for a vampire sports network, and Bella Swan’s undiagnosed inner ear condition. Plus: dazzling dramatic readings. Readers advisory: Here. Candy pairing: Caroline and Kait say Twilight Conversation Hearts, Renata says Dark Side Skittles. Coming up next: Theodore Boone: Kid Lawyer by John Grisham.   * Worst Bestsellers is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. (But no pressure, we’re also happy if you get these items from your local library or independent bookstore.)