The Save The Marriage Podcast

Two phone calls the same day. Both with the same question: "What if I CAN'T save my marriage?" One had been working at it for awhile. The other hadn't started (and was trying to decide whether to even start). It's a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process. Each has a different meaning. All share a fear. That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you. This week, I want to take on the question, "What if I can't save it?", because not every marriage can be saved. (But NONE are saved without action.) Don't let the question trip you up. Understand what's behind it. And listen to my answer to the question. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Can This Marriage Be Saved? My Approach and Why It Matters DYWAYADAGWYAG When Your Spouse is Stuck Grab the Save The Marriage System

As often as possible, I like to answer listener submitted questions (you can submit YOUR question by CLICKING HERE). The reason is because if you have a question, it is very likely that someone else has the same (or very similar) question. In this episode, I answer Patrick. His question is a concern that when a spouse says they fell out of love, and only feel “friends”-type care, that maybe nothing can be done. Maybe, Patrick wonders, it isn’t possible to get back to love, to return to prior feelings. Can feelings change? Of course. They already did. Which is why you are in a crisis. At one time, you felt the love. That has shifted, and it can shift again. Our feelings and levels of connection are always fluctuating and shifting. So, yes feelings of love CAN come back. But why did they leave? And what can you do to help them return? I cover those questions… homing in on Patrick’s enquiry for this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Connection Is Lifeblood Healing Disconnection Pause Button Marriage Save The Marriage System

Do you find yourself stuck in arguments in your marriage that never get anywhere? Or maybe it is just a matter of useless “discussions”? I was recently reading a book, and the author (Adam Grant) was noting 3 modes of communication that keep us stuck right where we are. They were not just communication patterns, but thought patterns. Grant noted there are 3 roles we easily fall into… and 1 mode that gets you out. Here is the problem… the 3 roles that don’t work? They are so easy to fall into. In fact, as soon as I read about them, I was quick to see them in people all around me. I noticed how so many people were interacting with me from those 3 roles. And then, I took a big breath. Because I needed to do a little self-check… a look in the mirror. What role(s) do I fall into? What was MY default? More importantly, how could I make a shift to a better mode? Here’s the thing: we argue in the attempt to change the perspective or thoughts of another person… and they are doing the exact same thing. No surprise that there is no change, right? So we already know that the roles we play in arguing don’t work. And yet (me looking in the mirror), it is easy to still slip right back into the same pattern. We continue to do it again. In hopes of a better outcome. RELATED RESOURCES Adam Grant’s Book, Think Again Connecting is Critical Understanding and Empathy The Dangers of Convincing Save The Marriage System

The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you). She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship. NMF She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts. And she didn't see how she had anything to do with it. NMF When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship. But I noticed she kept shifting back to "he did...," "he didn't...." She could point out his failures and shortcomings. And then she would return to her question: Given his actions, how could she save her marriage? NMF I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage. And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful. Because she had fallen in the NMF trap. Figured it out yet? The NMF trap is "Not My Fault." Here is the problem with "Not My Fault": It leaves you stuck. It does relieve you of blame or fault. But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability). Let's talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Show Up How You Hide Choosing To Work Connection Being A WE Save The Marriage System

Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance? Hot or cold? Are they really that different? Or is it all a part of the same process? And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage? During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each. In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen. In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me. Both refused to listen to the other. The underlying issues were the same. The emotional temperature was different. Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level. And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting. What is the difference between the heat and the cold? How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage? Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process? The same path? We explore the difference between hot and cold crises and what to do to turn it around in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection Matters Changing Yourself Learning About Anger Grab the Save The Marriage System

For some reason, your spouse just can’t see a way forward. You want things to be better… you want to save your marriage. But your spouse can’t (or won’t) see a possibility. Why? There are actually 3 real barriers your spouse might be experiencing. They just can’t see a way around any or all of the barriers. Those 3 barriers are Hurting, Hopeless, and Helpless. Emotional struggles are painful — for all involved! And many times, it just doesn’t seem like there is a way to get help… and that can make you feel helpless. Add those together, and it can seem pretty helpless. But is it? Not if you can find a way beyond the 3 barriers. In my VIP Program, I provide a weekly training, along with tools and coaching, to help people who are ready to make a real shift in their relationship. My System is kind of like the white belt training — knowing what you need to know to deal with a basic situation. VIP is the blue belt, designed for those wanting more effectiveness and efficiency in their efforts. During one of those trainings awhile back, I addressed those 3 barriers. The training caused such a stir that I wrote a book about it. But those 3 barriers are so important that you need to know about them, too. So, I am doing something I don’t do: I’m giving you access to this VIP training. It IS a bit longer than my typical podcast, as we go deep (and the book goes deeper). Listen in to learn the 3 barriers, and how to begin to get beyond them. RELATED RESOURCES Beyond the 3 Barriers Book The Save The Marriage System Click to Contact me if you have the System and want to join VIP