The Save The Marriage Podcast

You’ve taken steps to save your marriage. And it seems to be working! Things are improving. The ice is melting. Perhaps you are treating each other better, maybe even laughing here and there. And perhaps YOU took some big step — like writing the apology letter the way that I recommend. But you also know that when to talk — when to address the issues — is a big concern. If you ask too soon, do you risk a setback? A podcast listener recently sent in a question about that. Her anxiety has been building about their progress. She can see the signs. But what about that “elephant in the room?” Is it time to address it? In this episode of the podcast, I respond to “S” to bring some clarity to the question, “When to Talk?" You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Save The Marriage System My Books What NOT to Do The Importance of an Apology

We all do it. We say something in the heat of the moment… and feelings get hurt. Sometimes, though, that can be the “last straw,” that final tap over the edge that leads to crisis. For a listener of my podcast, “R,” that is what happened. He wrote me, asking, “how could I take back the strong/attacking/hurtful words I said to my wife." I answer him in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. But before I answer that specific question, I go into some dangers of separation (they ended up in an “in-house” separation). And I pull apart the myth of “work on myself OR work on the relationship." As is often the case when I respond to an email question, this doesn’t just apply to R. It may very well apply to YOU! (Oh, and by the way, if you have the “Goldilocks question” — not too broad, not too specific, but just right — send me your question for possible answers in future podcast episodes. I tell you how in the podcast episode.) You can listen to the episode below. RELATED TOPICS: Apologies Forgiving Working on Yourself Dealing with Separation Save The Marriage System

We all have limiting beliefs. You... me... and your spouse! I always work to change my limiting beliefs. You are probably doing the same. But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs! What is a limiting belief? It is a mostly-FALSE belief. But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities. Potentials for change. Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN'T happen, what is NOT possible. Even when there are possibilities. Even when things CAN change. If someone can't see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward. So, they stay stuck. And if it is a spouse who can't see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I respond to JJ's question about how to deal with her spouse's belief that "if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy." I also address several other false/limiting beliefs... and what to do about them. Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES Survival Series What Happy Couples Know Showing Up Save The Marriage System (Have a question you want answered on a future podcast? EMAIL ME HERE -- let me know if you want me to use a pseudonym! Make sure the question is one that can help others. I'll try to answer!)

Roles. We all have them. We all play them. Some are "identity roles." They identify us in the role. For example, I am "son," "father," "brother," "husband." Some are "function roles." They identify what we do. For example, I am "coach," "therapist," "author," "speaker," and "podcaster" (among others). They tell you what I do, what role I play in life. Then there are "attribution roles." They try to describe why we do something. And it is in the arena of attribution roles that I want to focus some attention. Because those attributions, both on ourselves and others, can serve to keep us stuck. And keep others stuck in the roles we attribute to them. Two very toxic roles are the roles of Enemy and Victim. To be clear, there is a difference between being a victim of some circumstance and playing the role of Victim. And to be crystal clear, no matter what has happened in your marriage to this point, you are NOT Enemies. That is a role that you may assign. But it will keep you stuck. Listen in to this podcast episode for more on avoiding these roles... and what to do, instead. RELATED RESOURCES: Being On The Same Team How To Be A WE Dealing With Anger Showing Up Save The Marriage System

Lots of people have asked me how long it takes for a marriage crisis to turn around... for the marriage to start heading in the RIGHT direction. Does it take days? Weeks?? Years??? I often tell them that marriages in crisis can often turn around amazingly fast. That doesn't mean YOUR marriage will. But it often does happen. Why is it that a marriage can feel like it is on the edge of collapse, and then seemingly come back to life overnight? It all has to do with a basic human need that we all have. It is the central part of a marriage, and goes so deep that when it is missing, it is painful. When it is restored (the right way), it is immediately healing. Listen below for why marriage turn quickly (and why the don't). RELATED RESOURCES Connection is the Lifeblood There is no Pause No Manipulation Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System

Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis. But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful. Let's backtrack just a minute. What is Crisis Clarity? Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage. Maybe you asked about it. Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track. Then suddenly, the crisis emerges. You learn about an affair. Your spouse gives you the "love you, not in love with you" speech. Your spouse wants to separate. You get divorce papers. Or... fill in the blank ____________. It is no longer a theoretical problem. It is a full-blown crisis! And that crisis gets your attention. Your FULL attention. That is Crisis Clarity. Yes, it can be helpful. And it can also be harmful. How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity? I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Pause Button Marriage Why Connection Matters Having a Plan No Contact is Crap Grab the System

On a regular basis, people want to tell me about the problem with their marriage. Then, they tell me about the current crisis: "my spouse doesn't love me/is having an affair/won't talk to me/wants to separate/wants to divorce/etc./etc." They want to solve the crisis. And they think THAT is the problem! They would be wrong. What they are describing is a symptom. Not the problem. If you try to solve a symptom, all you get are other symptoms. No resolution, no help, and no change. We don't just do it about a marriage issue. If you are running a fever, you may decide to take some acetaminophen or ibuprofen. And you might feel better (the fever likely comes down). But if there is an underlying problem, treating the symptom means that some other symptom will just emerge... and it may be even worse! In this podcast, I look at the difference between a symptom (the crisis) and the problem (what led to the crisis). That will help you to actually make a difference in your marriage, solve the crisis, and resolve the problem. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection is so Important Help with Re-Connecting Wack-a-mole? Dealing with Infidelity Save The Marriage System Coaching Services

Every now and then (well, actually quite frequently), people tell me stories about how parenting didn’t exactly elicit the best response. Many times, people tell me with regret over words and actions they wish they had not expressed. Sure, there is some shame, maybe some blame. But there is often very little change. On this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I sit down with Larry Hagner and discuss how his bad moment with his child led to change. Not just for Larry, but for many other people. You see, Larry didn’t have a great example of how to be a good parent. So he was doing the best he could with the tools at hand. But it was not going the way he wanted. So, he decided that something had to change. He decided that HE had to change! It became a quest, to be a better parent… to be a better partner and person, too! Larry started (some time back) by starting a FB group that looked to get others to share their parenting wisdom. This grew and grew. When it became clear that others were looking for support and guidance, Larry got serious and created The Dad Edge. In this interview, Larry and I talk about the struggles with limited parenting models many people got from their childhood, how important the parenting (specifically, the Dad) role is in development, and how to start on a path of better parenting. Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES The Dad Edge Website Impact of Divorce on the Children The Husband Bootcamp

Many of my podcast episodes are really aimed at those in the midst of some marriage crisis. Maybe it is hanging on by a thread. Perhaps it is just in the beginning stages. Today, I want to share some information that applies to every single marriage -- happy or hurting, starting or staying, even barely hanging on. If you are at the beginning of a marriage -- this applies! If you are struggling through -- this applies! If you aren't sure if it will survive -- this applies! A few weeks ago, a reporter asked for some truths for couples. After nearly 3 decades of working with couples, and almost 30 years of marriage, those truths were pretty quick to come to mind. And after I was done talking, I realized that I needed to share the information in my podcast, so that you could access it, too. Please, feel free to share it with others who are married, so they know the truth about marriage -- and can build a great relationship! RELATED RESOURCES Immutable Laws of Marriage Series Connection Resources Dealing with Conflict System to Build a Great Marriage

Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication. That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because many therapists use that as the default problem to attack in therapy. But communication is merely the method of passing information. Helpful in connecting with a spouse, for sure. It's just that most people express themselves fairly well. For years, people would come to my office and ask for help in communicating. After 20 or 30 minutes of listening, I would note that I understood everything each one said. They were communicating just fine. They had an issue, for sure. Communication, though, was not THE issue. Still, communication is not irrelevant. It is one of the ways we connect. So, if communication is hampered by hurt and disconnection, then communication can seem like the issue. In this episode, I offer 3 rules for better communication -- communication that leads to connection! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Communication Mistakes What Your Therapist Won't Tell You Anger As An Issue Be Careful Of Blame Save The Marriage System

We all "show ourselves" in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we truly Show Up, bringing our best self to the relationship. Other times, we bring an angry/resentful presence to the table. Other times, it might be a cold/distant presence. And still other times, it might be a needy/desperate presence. As you may have guessed, an angry or distant or needy presence rarely serves the relationship or the improvement of a relationship. Maybe you think you are just responding to what is coming your way... that you are just following your spouse's lead... or the lead of the world around you. But we all get to choose how we will Show Up. We get to choose how we want to be, who we want to be, in all of our relationships. We don't have to leave it to reaction or fear, resentment or hurt. We can choose how and who we will be in life. How do YOU Show Up? Listen for how to Show Up the way you want to! RELATED RESOURCES 3 C's of Saving a Marriage Forgiveness and Marriage Apologies and Marriage How To Really Show Up Grab The Save The Marriage System

I wish I had a crystal ball that would let me successfully determine which marriages could be saved. Yes, it is true. Not every marriage WILL be saved. I can't guarantee that. But I DO think there is a "reverse" guarantee. If your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, I can pretty much guarantee that your marriage will NOT survive. But guarantee that it WILL survive? I can't do that. What I try to do, instead, is "stack the deck" in your favor. I try to provide tools and change that will INCREASE the chances of your saving your marriage. And not just save. Help it to thrive. Help you to build a marriage that BOTH of you would treasure and protect. Some people act like it is just a game of chance. A flip of the coin. Heads up, you stay married; tails up, you divorce. That is NOT the case. You can improve your chances. But not just by trying "a little of this, a little of that." You need a coherent process and method, along with some tools and understandings. But what I have noticed is there are some factors that determine a higher likelihood of success. And the more of these five factors that are moving your way, the better your "hand" you are playing. One of these factors is outside of your control. But you have four others that you CAN control. You want to save your marriage and you want to improve it. Your spouse, though, can't see that right now. So, you need to have your best hand to play as you work on the relationship. What are those 5 Factors? I discuss each one in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Your Spouse Can't See A Way Forward Why You Need to Change Why You Need a Plan Why the Roadblocks Why You Need a System

I'll bet you know exactly what I mean by the Gut Punch Moment. It is when your spouse says, "I don't love you" or that variation, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." Or when you discover the affair or other marital infidelity (including financial). Or when you discover some other hidden part of your spouse's life that makes you question everything. Or when your spouse announces the need to separate. Or the divorce papers arrive. Gut punch. You lose your breath. You feel like a rug has been ripped from underneath your feet. Gut punch. And it might not be the first! It might be in the midst of efforts to save what you already know is a hurting marriage. Then, you find out more. Gut punch #2 (or 3, 4, 5....). It wouldn't be a surprise if you don't react the way you want to or wish you had. That is often what happens. And then, there is a spouse looking at you, surprised by your reaction (do remember that whatever that gut punch, they already knew it -- they had already prepared!). But what now? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we cover that Gut Punch Moment, and what to do about it. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Calm in Chaos at Thriveology.com What About Anger? What Do You Want? Love But Not "In Love" Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System

You’ve been doing your best to work on your marriage… to resolve your marriage crisis. Then, you find yourself exhausted. You can’t find your focus. You wonder if you even care. The negativity creeps in, followed by hopelessness. Sound familiar? That would be Crisis Fatigue. It is what happens when a crisis isn’t resolved quickly. When the crisis covers days, weeks, even months (and maybe even years) it can wear on you. And all that effort you were putting into resolution falls to the side. You find yourself not following through on your plan. Your efforts fail as you fall into exhaustion. Crisis Fatigue. But don’t let the Crisis Fatigue keep you stuck! You can deal with it, move beyond it, and continue your efforts. You can do that when you learn how to combat Crisis Fatigue. That is what we cover on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. I discuss what Crisis Fatigue is, why it happens, what happens when it hits, and how to deal with it. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES What's Your Plan? Who’s Your Team? The Thriving Body Series The Save The Marriage System

For lots of people, this past Monday could not pass fast enough. I heard from a number of people with struggling marriages that told me Valentine’s Day was just one more hurdle. Not a celebration of love, but a moment of further resentment and pain. Does romance just die with “I do”? Some people seem to think so. For others, the waning romantic feelings are one more proof that the marriage is dead, that the love is gone. How did we go to using just the romantic feelings as the basis for love? When did this become proof that something was wrong? And why do we seem to believe that the romantic feelings are either there… or they aren’t? Somehow, this has become twisted, that romantic feelings lead to love, rather than the romantic feelings flowing from connection AND action. When we disconnect, it shouldn’t be a surprise that those warm, romantic feelings also suffer. And then, somehow, many people fail to see that the connection and love flows from loving action. So, can it be turned around? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the 3 barriers to those romantic feelings. And I give 4 ways to start rebuilding back toward romance. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Importance of Connection Acting on Love Being on the Same Team Rebuilding the Connection Grab the Save The Marriage System Find the Husband Bootcamp Check out my Books

I remember saying to a couple on my couch, both claiming they were doing more and working harder for their relationship, “It’s not a competition!" They didn’t much seem to believe me. They were simultaneously trying to win while proving they were losing. Yep, they were trying to win at a game of “who does more and gets less.” I am not sure what the trophy would have been, but the “prize” appeared to be a battered and painful marriage. And they weren’t alone. They AREN’T alone! Lots of couples act like they are in a competition to win. And they think it is an individual sport, not a team sport! That’s where the damage happens. Instead of playing to win at life, they are playing to win against a spouse. Against. Anytime you find yourself against your spouse, you can guarantee the outcome is not a win for the team. It is not a help for the marriage… for the relationship. With every win you get in an individual competition, there is a loser… in this case, your spouse. And if your spouse wins, you lose. Learn why this is so dangerous and how to escape the one-on-one competition in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Being on the Team Being a WE What about Conflict? Why Connection Matters Save The Marriage System

The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response: You Don’t! (Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!) Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to therapy! First task: get a spouse there. By pressure, if necessary. I think there is a (false) belief that if you can just get them there, the therapist will work some magic and convince the spouse to work on the marriage. The therapist won’t/can’t. And your spouse won’t. Fail/fail. But why? There are some Therapy Traps that you fall into when you try to drag a spouse into therapy (I cover the Traps in the podcast episode below). And in the process, you actually cause further entrenchment on the part of your spouse that things won’t work out. Yep, it makes things worse. I explain why in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Therapy Problems Can You Save It Alone? Can Your Marriage Even Be Saved? Book: Beyond the 3 Barriers Program: Save The Marriage System

At the beginning of a coaching session, I do a quick “check-in” to see what we need to accomplish in that session. Since coaching is all about moving forward and making progress, I want to make sure we are moving forward toward client success. But what I often hear instead is, “I want to know why this is happening (the marriage crisis).” I get it. There is something about knowing why that is somehow satisfying, if not particularly helpful. What is even more interesting, though, is how often the same client can return to this very question. If I hear the question one time, we can answer it and move forward. But if I hear the question on repeat, I know there is something else going on. And one thing I know for sure, time after time, is that this question does nothing to move your marriage or yourself forward. It is actually an anchor to the past. And it is hard to move forward when you are anchored backward. If you want to save your marriage, stop asking how you got here, and start asking how to get to where you want to go! (I cover it in-depth in the podcast episode. Listen below.) RELATED RESOURCES: The Save The Marriage System The Husband Bootcamp Book: How to Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps

Discouraged? You are trying to save your marriage and… you can’t get traction. You move a little ahead, only to slide backward. Steps forward and steps backward. And that is why you are discouraged. Am I right? What if I told you that was the nature of the process? What if I told you that almost everyone has moments of frustration? Most people feel like giving up (and many do) at various points in their efforts. This is not a process that follows a steady line of progress. It is more a tangled line, running up and down. This is important work. And that is what makes it so tough. Important things often feel the most frustrating… especially when they are not going the way you want them to go. But, and let me say this again, it is important work, saving your marriage. Let me tell you the 5 things to do when you are discouraged, to help you keep moving forward. Listen to the episode below. RELATED RESOURCES: "Can I Save My Marriage?” You Need a Plan You Need a Team You Need a System: Save The Marriage System

You know that your marriage is in trouble. Your spouse said so. Maybe it was the “things have to change” speech. Or maybe it was the “I love you, but I’m not in love” speech. Or maybe it was a request to separate or even divorce. It comes into clear focus. Sure, you knew things weren’t great. But you thought they would improve, that you would find your way back together. Instead, the reality is crashing in. Your marriage is in trouble. What do you do? How do you respond? There are 2 actions that I see over and over again. Both of them, while well intentioned, actually make things worse. Instead of improvement, the crisis only deepens. The chance of recovery only plummets. And you only wanted to turn things around! Wrong actions, even with the best of intentions, can cause more damage than good. I cover the dangerous actions in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: The No Contact Rule is CRAP The Importance of Connection Don’t Chase! There is no PAUSE BUTTON Healing Disconnection The Save The Marriage System My Books

Has your spouse said that to you?: “You’ll NEVER change!" Maybe it was at the end of yet another argument, another struggle, another disagreement. Perhaps it was at the end of another failed attempt to do things differently. If you have tried to change and have failed (meaning, every single human alive!), then maybe you wonder whether it is even possible to change. Is it just too hard, too deep, too “baked in”? Or can we actually change? Can we actually make some changes in our life to be better, do better, and love better? Since January tends to be a month were people make (and break) resolutions, I thought that maybe we should look at the potential for change. And especially in terms of making your marriage better, of being a better partner. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I let you in on whether change is possible (it is), why people fail at it, and how to actually make real changes. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: My Books My Save The Marriage System The Husband Bootcamp Why Your Spouse Doesn’t See A Change (free training) “I’ve Changed” and Other Things NOT to Say (free training)

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday. And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here. A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd." What a loss! No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays. No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing. Her real desire was to avoid pain. But her solution did more than avoiding pain. It avoided life, and all it offered. My suggestion: deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday. I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Gratitude and Marriage How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage Ghosts of Marriage Past Holidays and Marriage Save The Marriage System

"I just outgrew you," he said to her in my office. But as we talked, I was not convinced that he had actually "outgrown" her. But it was clear that neither felt supported in their own personal growth. He said, "You stifle me," and she answered, "You never care about my interests." And both were right. But both missed the opportunity -- self-expansion as a part of the relationship. They could both grow, both explore, and still stay married. Recent research has shown that one of the leading contributors to unhappiness in marriage (and risk for infidelity) is a lack of opportunity for self-expansion in the relationship. Great term, "self-expansion." In a world of "self-growth" and "self-development," the idea is a bit broader. Self-growth/development focuses on psychological or spiritual change. But what about just exploring the world and widening your horizons? Well, self-expansion encompasses both self-development and trying new things out. Does your relationship support both of your opportunities for self-expansion (within the boundaries of the relationship)? Is there room for growing? Support for growing? Sharing new experiences together? Sharing your passions for individual interests? Those are the elements of self-expansion within marriage. Learn more in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES What Happy Couples Do Differently Working On Yourself Showing Up Responsibility System to Save Your Marriage

Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse. They want to know if that is what it really is -- earning back the love (and even trust). The short answer is NO, that is not the goal. A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship. That is my topic for this week's Save The Marriage Podcast: why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse's love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead. Your marriage can be saved. But not by trying to earn back your spouse's love. Can the love return to your marriage? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean it is the goal of the process. (Love isn't earned. It is given.) Listen to the podcast episode below for more on this important topic ADDITIONAL RESOURCES Connection and Marriage Building A WE Forgiveness and Marriage Save The Marriage System

Here we are, right at Thanksgiving Day in the United States. The day we are supposed to be filled with gratitude, feeling thankful for those around us. Which may feel like a tall order if your marriage is in the middle of a crisis (or if you are in any sort of crisis for that matter!). What, gratitude when life stinks? Yep. In fact, gratitude is even MORE important when we are in the midst of a crisis. Yes, it is important every day. But when your life is upside-down, gratitude can help you get it rightside-up. Is it easy? Nope. Is it important? Yep. So, let's talk about finding gratitude (not just having gratitude, but finding it) in the midst of a crisis. Need more on being thankful and feeling gratitude? Listen here and here. And you can find the Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.

Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault. Are you the problem? Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that. People search about that on my blog. People write me to ask that same question. Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question. So, what is the truth? Are you the problem? Did you cause the problem? Does that even help the problem? Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time... frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault. They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation. And rarely is that accurate, or even fair. Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere. Let's talk about this from a couple of perspectives. One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame. The other is a much more practical "what do I do?" perspective. Both get us to a better place than simply asking, "Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?" Listen below as I tackle the question: "Am I the Problem?" RELATED RESOURCES Showing Up Blame & Shame Ruining Today with Yesterday How To NOT Save Your Marriage How TO Save Your Marriage -- System

People hear me talk about forgiving (I wrote a book on it). Then they ask, "why should I have to forgive?" Ironically, my point was that forgiving frees the forgiver. I tackle forgiveness in-depth for this week's podcast. In fact, I give you a 6 step process of how to forgive. But of course, this is only helpful if you think you want to forgive. I start the podcast by clarifying what I mean by forgiveness, and why I think it is so important. (Hint: not forgiving is like having a systemic infection that will eat away at the rest of your life.) The catch is, as C.S. Lewis said, "Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive." When we have been injured, the idea of forgiving is not philosophical, and it can feel overwhelming. Join me as we explore why to forgive and ways to forgive. RELATED RESOURCES: Why Apologize How to Apologize Book: The Forgive Process Program: Save The Marriage

You want to save your marriage. Your spouse seems to only want to destroy it. That is a pretty common scenario for people who visit my website. And so, I often have the question asked, "Should we separate? Will a separation save my marriage?" Can a separation save a marriage? Short answer: yes, it can. Longer answer: a separation can save a marriage, but it is statistically unlikely. And in my experience, a separation is a step in the wrong direction. Some recent statistics show that around 79% of couples who separate end up divorced. In other words, 8 out of every 10 couples who separate will divorce. I view separation as an absolute last resort to save a marriage. It is, in my opinion, that unlikely to help. But here is the thing: if you are stuck in a conflicted and hurting marriage, it can be a very appealing solution. And yes, you can find "fans" of separation. There are people who tell you it is an important step in restoring a marriage. Those people are ignoring the statistics. They are appealing to your sense of relief that can come from a break in the conflict. More often than not, a separation amounts to a “trial divorce." But are there better solutions? Absolutely. Here is one. In this podcast training, I tell you why separation is problematic -- so that you understand that. I also tell you how to structure a separation, if it is inevitable and a last resort. Listen below for help with separation. RESOURCES: Article on Separating Save The Marriage System Virtual Coaching Program (IF you have the System)

Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?" Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?" Are emotions lost and connections missing? Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?" The infection can be stopped. You can fight the infection and heal the relationship. Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system. Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy. Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Pause Button Marriages Dangers of Disconnection "Can This Marriage Be Saved?” The Save The Marriage System

People are quirky. We all have strange and interesting habits and interests. No two people are alike. In fact, most people want to claim their uniqueness, to be seen as unique, an individual — “being your own person." Yet all of us crave one thing: validation and approval. We did it in high school ("I am SO different, along with everyone else") and we do it through adulthood. In fact, one of the aphrodisiacs of a relationship is feeling validated, approved, and accepted by the other person. It is what helps form the bonds early in relationship-building. It fuels the attraction and connection… love. Does YOUR spouse feel validated and accepted? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, discover how this can make or break a relationship. Hear the 6 traps that may keep your spouse from feeling validated -- and what to do about it! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: 2 Necessary Feelings The Importance of Connection Are You On The Same Team? Save The Marriage System

It happens. In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity. A spouse negative about the marriage. Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage. You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt). Negativity comes from several sources: fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity. Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly -- negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage. Is there another alternative? You bet there is! I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome. Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don't catch it yourself. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: You Need A Plan Dealing With Your Resentment Dealing With Your Spouse's Resentment Grab The Save The Marriage System

Do you ever feel like you are dancing with your spouse... and not a fun dance?? Most of the time, couples get into habits. They both know the steps, and they just keep going through them, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3.... No, the dances aren't particularly helpful. And yes, we keep dancing them, anyway! One dance that many couples fall into is the Anger-Blame-Shame 3-step. And that particular dance? It keeps on repeating. Except that the anger grows. So does the blaming. And so does the feeling of shame! "Why can't I/we figure this out?", they wonder. And then, they dance it again. How can you stop the dance? How can you find better steps? Better ways of moving through life? That is the topic of this podcast episode (listen below). I tell you about those dance steps and why we do them... along with how to make a shift. RELATED RESOURCES Show Up Anger and Resentment (Yours) Anger and Resentment (Your Spouse's) Stepping Up The Save The Marriage System

You've been working hard. You've been trying to make some personal changes, growing and expanding yourself. You've been trying to build a connection with your spouse, slowly and steadily. You feel good about what you are doing. You believe you are gaining grown. But then, your spouse doesn't notice any change at all! What happened? Why can't your spouse see the changes? It can be challenging, frustrating, hurtful, and downright defeating. But there is a reason your spouse isn't noticing (or admitting to noticing) the changes. In fact, there are 3 reasons why your spouse doesn't see the changes. Let's take a look at the 3 reasons, and start creating a strategy to make those changes visible. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: "Can Every Marriage Be Saved?" "Can MY Marriage Be Saved?" How One Person Did It! Save The Marriage System

It almost seems redundant, doesn't it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something -- say, for example, your marriage. I say IF you have limited beliefs. Full disclosure: We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don't notice them. And we pay a price for that. Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs. Do you think your limiting beliefs MIGHT be limiting your life and your marriage? I'm betting that is the case, since it is true for all of us. Here's the good news: you can change your limiting beliefs. Once you know what they are. And decide to change them Listen below for this week's podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Myths About Marriage (And Saving It) Fears That Hold You Back Is Your Spouse Stuck? Grab The Save The Marriage System

I am way too uncool to ever use "Diss" in a conversation. That said, I will drop it into a headline, because I see too many couples "dissing" their relationship, without even meaning to. Distraction, Disinterest, and Disconnection lead to Disrespect of your relationship. And it often becomes habit, usually without you meaning to. The bad news is, these 3 ways you "diss" a relationship eat away at the foundations. The good news is that once you know what you are doing, you can change it. Even turn it around. Learn how you are dissing your marriage, and how to stop in this week's podcast. Listen below. RESOURCES: Power of Connection Marriage Crisis Mistakes to Avoid Why Your Efforts May Be Failing Save The Marriage System

I admit it. The phone call got under my skin. We were traveling and I answered the call. The person asked if I was the "save the marriage guy." I told him I was. He told me he didn't want my System. Just the secret, the "short-cut." When I told him he needed the whole System, he said he didn't want to go through all of that. He just needed the "trick," the short-cut. We went round and round for a couple more minutes. I realized I was not going to convince him, but all the "short-cuts" he had been trying is what got him to here. He hung up, likely still looking for the "short-cut." And I was left thinking. Wondering. Pondering. And realizing that there is a distinct difference between being efficient and trying to find the "trick." Those "tricks" are all the things on the internet about "hypnosis," "reverse psychology," "spells," or any of those other manipulations. You can be efficient in your efforts. You can be effective in your plan. But not by taking the "short-cuts" that are really just tricks. Can I tell you more about this? Listen to the podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES Reverse Psychology is Dangerous No-Contact is Crap Don’t Choose Manipulation Grab My Save The Marriage System

I often get a message that goes something like this, “We have been making progress on our marriage. I’ve been working hard to reconnect, and think I have done a good job. But lately, we don’t seem to be making any more progress. Did my spouse Friend Zone me??" Since I have heard this from coaching clients and total strangers, people in my program and listeners of my podcast, I thought I needed to address it. First, let me just say, there is a “Zone” of disconnection and recovery that can feel like a stagnant friend zone. But is that really what it is? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what people mean when they say “Friend Zoned” or “Roommates Only,” and why it happens. I also discuss what a healthy marriage looks like. We dive into the process of connection (along with disconnection and reconnection). And I talk about why you always pass through this zone… in both directions. Then, we discuss why some people get stuck here. And we look at how to make sure you don’t get stuck. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Book: How to Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps Program: Save The Marriage System Coaching: VIP Program Training: Why Connection is so Important Training: How to Resolve the Disconnection

I have some friends who have been in different bootcamps this past year. Most are fitness-oriented… getting back into shape, improving your running, improving your tennis, things like that. Bootcamps are great ways to get up-to-speed as quickly as possible, so you perform better. In the military, people go through bootcamp to get ready to be a soldier. It is intense and challenging, but designed to get someone ready to face a challenge elsewhere. Bootcamps are a great way to get up-to-speed for what comes next. Which is why I created the Husband Bootcamp. I remember sitting in my office with a couple trying to get back on-track. They were stumbling and struggling. Then, she turned toward him and said, “You are a good man. But you are a bad husband.” It was like a hammer at hit him in the face. He was embarrassed and upset. At first, he was angry. But then, he caught himself, turned to me, and said, “I am doing the best I can… and I am failing. What can I do?" That started an impromptu bootcamp. We called it the Husband Bootcamp. Along with a few others, this was transformational for their marriage. Recently, I decided it was time to bring that to a bigger audience. We have been working hard to put the finishing touches on things. But in the meantime, I wanted to give you a little insight on what it is about, who can benefit, and how to jump in (or gift it to your spouse). Listen below for info. RELATED RESOURCES: Get Updates and Info on the Husband Bootcamp HERE Grab the Save The Marriage System Here Learn More About One Person Helping A Marriage Here

I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable? Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right? Some people do make the effort to save their marriage... but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit... and they gain some ground. But in reality, nothing changed. It’s more like cleaning a house that is in disrepair. It looks better, but nothing got fixed. Then, there are others. They decide that they can’t go back. They realize the relationship must change. And change it, they do! And save their marriage, they do! The question is really about whether the real change happened, or just a “spring cleaning.” The choice between the two? All yours. Listen to this episode of the podcast for more on making those real changes. RELATED RESOURCES The Goal of Marriage 3 Secrets To Saving The Importance of Connection Your Plan To Save Your Marriage

First, let me be clear: if you are actively saving your marriage, working toward a better relationship... stop reading and go do something else! This won't apply to you! But if you want to save your marriage... but for some reason, you just can't get moving... hang with me! YOU are the one that will benefit from this episode. That "some reason" is what I want to take a look at. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the 4 "F" words that are keeping you from taking action... keeping you from saving your marriage. I discuss 4 reasons why you are stuck and aren't saving your marriage. Just to be clear, these are the reasons you are stuck... and has nothing to do with what your spouse is doing. Let's be clear about what typically holds people back. And yes, there may be some other reasons. I want to cover the 4 reasons I see repeatedly. And yes, they can keep you from taking any action. Unless, of course, you find an alternative. I'll give you that alternative, too. RELATED RESOURCES: Fear and Marriage Your Team for Support Why Does It Matter? Beware of Unhelpful Approaches Save The Marriage System

No, this isn't some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature. We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch. This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution... often to complex issues. Particularly when it is a marriage crisis. A marriage -- much less a marriage crisis -- is not an on/off situation, and no simple switch will turn it around. Yet that is what many people want. The solution that is as easy as flipping a switch. Yes, your marriage can be saved and improved, but not with some simple switch. Instead, think about it as dials. Instead of a master switch, there can be a number of dials. Dialing up connection. Dialing down conflict. Dialing up warmth. Dialing down resentment. We discuss this tendency to look for a switch -- and the need to focus on the dials -- in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection is so Important Dangerous Tricks The No-Contact Rule 3C Approach Save The Marriage System

"You are just too selfish and self-centered. That is why we have marriage problems." Have you heard that before? A listener is wondering if she is too self-centered for her marriage. I am guessing that her spouse has told her just that. Maybe even said she is selfish. It is always interesting when I hear this accusation in my office... from both people! At the same time! Both accuse the other of causing the problems because they are too selfish and self-centered. To be clear, it is entirely possible to be self-centered and selfish... certainly completely out of balance with what is healthy. And it is possible to be accused of that, but it is really something else. Let's talk about your perspective, what it might mean to be "selfish," and when it might be a problem (along with when it might actually be another problem). Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES WE is the Goal Working on WE, Working on ME Pause-Button Problems Healing Disconnection Save The Marriage System

It's a predicament, isn't it? It would be so much easier to save your marriage... if it weren't for that pesky spouse. (I jest, but you might actually feel this way.) You make an effort, your spouse resists. You take a step forward, your spouse takes a step backward... and tries to drag you back, too! What DO you do? When your spouse is so convinced that nothing can change. Or maybe when your spouse starts to see some possibility... and you don't know what to do, what to share, how to help. Quite the predicament, isn't it? It certainly is for Lauren and Kristine. They both emailed me questions for the podcast. Seemingly from different places in the process. But both were stuck on the Spouse Predicament. Lauren has a spouse who cannot see a way forward, and resists every effort. Is he being selfish? Should Lauren feel shame that she keeps trying... in spite of his resistance? And Kristine is still stuck in the predicament. But her spouse is seeing a possibility, a glimmer of hope. How does Kristine avoid putting out the spark? How much info to share? The Spouse Predicament. More closely aligned than it might seem. We work to resolve the predicament on the podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: The Husband Bootcamp Beyond the 3 Barriers Book The Hope Formula Hope and Marriage The Save The Marriage System

I've seen it so many times. A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart. Then, suddenly, it is ending! Slowly, then all at once. A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending: they slowly drifted apart. You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat. I sure didn't. I've seen it over and over. Nothing drastic or sudden. Just slowly disconnecting. Slowly drifting apart. And slowly failing. Maybe you hit the Pause Button... and didn't know how dangerous that can be! Maybe it was easier to just ignore the little issues... the ones that are much larger in the face of disconnection. But either way, the ending of a marriage just starts slowly, imperceptibly... until one person finally "can't do it anymore." And then, the crisis is deep. Deeper than you knew. How does it work? I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES The Importance of Connection The Pause Button Marriage Healing Disconnection The Save The Marriage System

Are there things that you do that might KEEP you from saving your marriage? Yes. These are pretty common actions people take, not knowing that they are doing MORE damage, and making it even MORE difficult to save their marriage. I wanted to cover these 10 ways you can mess up on saving your marriage, not to point out any mistakes, but to help you avoid and prevent those mistakes. And if you have already made those mistakes, then start where you are. Just be sure not to fall back into the same traps and mistakes that likely got you here. Take a listen below and let me know if you have something to add to the list! RELATED RESOURCES 3 C's to Save Your Marriage Why Connection is So Important How to Show Up to Your Marriage Grab the Save The Marriage System

Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living -- including in marriage. Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage. In this week's Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can help you address the issues in your marriage. These three principles can help you save your marriage. Just remember the acronym, ARC. Acceptance Responsibility Control Use these three principles as you work to save your marriage. RELATED RESOURCE: Control Responsibility Thrive Principles Save The Marriage System

Connection is the lifeblood of any relationship… and especially a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk. This concept is the backbone of my approach. It is the core of my System — restoring the connection. Which is the problem. Many people push and push for connection, leading to — ironically — even less connection and more push-back. The concept of connection as the most important factor in saving a marriage suddenly hits a wall. The techniques people use to restore connection lead to DIS-connection, rather than connection. Instead of helping, I notice many people are harming their attempts to save their marriage. Not from ill-will but misunderstanding. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explore the principle of Connect, Don’t Crowd. This principle is the 1st of 10 I covered with my VIP Virtual Coaching members. But it was so important, I wanted to make sure you understand it. (The other 9 are still available to all VIP members.) Listen below to understand the importance of connection, how to do it, and how to avoid the crowding. RELATED RESOURCES: Connection is the Lifeblood Healing Disconnection Resources Connection on 3 Levels The Save The Marriage System

Slowly, slowly... you are making progress! You keep working on turning your marriage around... and it is working! Maybe you think it isn't moving fast enough. Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in... and they start to grow. You can feel it! But you try hard not to let it out. To keep on moving forward. To keep on making connections. Until... Maybe it was something small... Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing... maybe even a big thing!)... And BOOM! You blow up! You use a tone you wish you hadn't. You say things you wish you hadn't. You do things you wish you hadn't. BLOW UP! ... and then it passes. But the damage is done. Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain. So, let's talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up! It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem. Listen to this week's podcast episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Too Late? Making Up For Mistakes And Backslides Responsibility Showing Up Save The Marriage System

Are you and your spouse addicted to blame? Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse's fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)? Or maybe you are just blaming yourself. You see this whole mess as YOUR fault. Blame has one single outcome -- STUCK. It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility). Blame is highly corrosive to connection. And it freezes up the process of change. It freezes out any chance for change. And it is unnecessary. (Oh, and don't fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame. Blame your spouse or blame yourself. Same outcome.) Let's break the addiction to blame. And if you are ready, you can grab my Save The Marriage System HERE. OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES Anger and Marriage Healing YOUR Resentment Helping YOUR SPOUSE Heal Resentment The Importance of Connection The Save The Marriage System

I was busy working on some projects when a news notification popped up on my tablet: “Bill and Melinda Gates Announce They Are Divorcing.” Wow, what a power couple! And they were calling it quits. Whenever this happens, a powerful and successful couple decides to divorce, I hear from a few people. They look at all of that _______ (you fill in the blank: money, success, resources, connections, etc.) and wonder, “What chance do I have to save MY marriage, if THEY can’t stay together." I would presume that Bill and Melinda, along with Jeff and MacKenzie and many other mogul couples, could attend any couples retreat, meet with any therapist/coach, and invest in any intervention to save their marriage. But they don’t. Which raises the question for the rest of us… what chance do WE have in our own marriage? Or more specifically, you can ask, what chance do YOU have in saving YOUR marriage? And what can we learn from the divorces of the rich, successful, and famous? That is what I cover in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast (and let me just be clear, I have not coached or interacted with anyone I mentioned above — although I have had many interactions with very successful people in very unhappy marriages… and the lessons are the same). Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES The Arc of Disconnection The Pause Button Marriage Why Connection Matters Self-Expansion and Marriage The System to Save Your Marriage