The Relaxed Male

We start this episode off with a little rant about the changing times and how does this goes with why we suffer. We have hard all about how people suffer. Yet we don’t really look at what causes suffering. Why do we suffer? We suffer because we resist our emotions we try to make people do what we feel is best for them By not being in the present We look into our past more than we need to

So many people say they hate liars. You cant trust them. Yet many of those people are the worst liars around. Now there are two types of people who are inherently liars. No, I am not talking about Navy recruiters or politicians. I am talking about Addicts are liars and the other natural liar is a people pleaser. I want to talk this week about the second. I will address the first at some time down the road, but today we are looking at people pleasers. Why People Pleasers? People pleasers are people who go out of their way to lie to others so that they can control how other people feel and what they think. In other words, they are manipulators. We all know someone like this. They are trying to do 30 things at once. Often these are other people's tasks so that the person they are trying to please will like them. I am a recovering people pleaser. Aren't people pleasers good? Not really. These people give up on being their own person for the sake of someone who may or may not like them in return. Often, people pleasers, will say whatever they believe the other person wants to hear instead of speaking their own mind and being their own person. Helping a person out is good and we should help, but not at the detriment to our own life and mental health. Maybe you have known a "Yes Man" at the office. Sometimes these people are also called brown nosers. These guys often don't have the self-worth because they are putting all their worth into another person. People pleasing is called Sociotropy this is a person’s tendency to place an inordinate value on relationships over personal independence that will leave them vulnerable to depression in the response to a loss of relationships. These are people who act like your neighbor down the street who comes by and bakes cookies for you and keeps bringing them over. Or maybe you see your son always trying to please everybody and then really comes down on himself when someone becomes upset with him. People pleasers are people who... struggle with saying no. feel personally responsible for how other people feel. avoid sharing honestly, like not admitting when your feelings have been hurt. feel uncomfortable dealing with conflict and will do whatever you can to avoid it. sometimes find yourself “becoming” like whoever you hang around. The depression comes from the fact that you cant control a person. You can't make a person feel anything at any time. This will lead to the people People pleasers often will do something small at first and keep piling more and more if they don't get the response they desire they often become upset and can fall into depression or burnout. The drawback of people pleasing You cant be yourself You will burn out The huge strain on your mental health How to break free from being a people pleaser. Face the discomfort of expressing your ideas. Be OK when people don't like your ideas or change them. Understand that the person you are lying to the most when trying to please other people is yourself. You can't control everybody and it is impossible to even control some people all the time. They eventually get tired of being manipulated. Your lies do catch up with you Learn and use the most powerful word in the English language and that is NO. Then you have to accept that many people will not like that response and they will try to find different ways to make you feel bad because you have denied them. Set boundaries and then hold them Accept that you can't control people's emotions. Yeah, your actions may create a pleasant thought in the other person but hat doesn't mean they like you. A person likes you for who you are not how you make them feel because you can't make them feel anything.

What is a fixed mindset? The Fixed mindset is the thought that you are limited in what you are able to achieve by what your talent is. We often tell kids that they are smart and this is a huge problem for when the kids actually hit a limit on what their smarts are able to create. This problem can cause kids to shy away from a challenge and keep them from learning that getting something wrong is actually alright. It shows that you are able to improve. The fixed mindset causes problems because when the talent runs out the person in question thinks that they are not able to improve anymore, which is the farthest from the truth. People also fear that when they can't do something and it is pointed out they believe that deficiency is a fault against them. So it can be a problem with not only children but adults too. Test scores are permanent Hates challenge Finds fault in themselves when faced with failure Fishing trip example. Everyone else’s problem excuses The burden of talent Alfred Dunlap sunbeam and act paper

The concept of Growth mindset and it's counterpart Fixed mindset comes from Stanford Professor Carol Dweck Ph.D. in her book Mindset. In this book, she talks in detail what each mindset is and give an example after examples of people who display both sides. From Dorothy Delay the violin teacher from The Juilliard School of Music to Jack Welch, the man who saved General Electric. Carol talks about key points that exemplifies why a growth mindset is needed if you want to succeed and why the fixed mindset often causes you to have a meltdown like Bobby Night on losing streak. What is a growth mindset A growth mindset is a mindset that you are more about the ability to get better than having something of natural talent. It is interesting to think we are born with a growth mindset and then we slowly settle into a Fixed mindset. You see babies who keep trying to learn how to walk and we celebrate when they are able to start wobbling around. You even see a child who finally figures out that only one type of shape can fit into a certain slot. How many times have you heard kids talk about their love a challenge? The older they get the growth mindset often seems to wain and shrink. Key points of a Growth Mindset We accept that we are able to learn Work and effort are better than being smart. People who play video games can have We can have and often do have a mixture of growth mindset and Fixed Mindset Mia Ham used to be the only girl in the boy's soccer teams because she wanted the challenge. Not only boys but boys at the level above her. If you are the smartest person in the room you are in the wrong room. How to develop a growth mindset Accept that you are a work in progress. Failure is only an indicator of where you need to work. Change the words you use. If only I was smart enough to I can figure this out. What does this make possible?

This week talking about the opposite of the abundant mindset in Episode 14. That is a scarcity mindset and the problems it can cause in your efforts of being successful. We all have problems with negative thinking. Those negative thoughts are normal and have a purpose but they don’t serve us as they did in the caveman days. We use to not have enough and we had to fight for all that we had. Today that is still somewhat true but now scarcity is an element that holds us back. It keeps us safe and when being safe we are never growing emotionally or in knowledge. What is the scarcity mindset? The scarcity mindset is seeing the world and your resources as being a zero-sum game. You are only allotted a certain amount and then when you are out it is gone. Stephen Covey talks about this in the “7 Habits of Highly effective people” and says this, Most people are deeply scripted in what I call the Scarcity Mentality. They see life as having only so much, as though there were only one pie out there. In addition, if someone were to get a big piece of the pie, it would mean less for everyone else. Stephen Covey - 7 Habits of Highly Effective People If you watch the news, which I advise against, you see a scarcity mindset running rampant in not only America but around the world. You see people fighting over the scraps when there is a whole garden sitting next to them. People talk about the haves and the have not’s. That is all based on what somebody else has and the others won’t ever have. As a whole scarcity, mindset is based on fear. It is fear that you won’t be able to get out of the current situation. The fear that you won’t have enough money or that you will never get that new television is exactly what scarcity mindset really is. We have one presidential candidate who is basing his whole platform on the scarcity mindset. That is how out of control easy this mindset can influence your thinking. Envy is based on a scarcity mindset. What does the Jones family have that you don’t? That fear and anxiety of not being able to have nice things in your house create the thought that you are not worth your value. Hoarding is also based on scarcity. What if you throw away the 3-year-old copy of People Magazine and you need it for an article that looks interesting, though you never fully read it. Why does the scarcity mindset hold us back? The scarcity mindset is a bog. It sucks you down and keeps you from expanding and becoming more than your current situation. How can you when you see yourself and your resources as being limited. It is like being chained to a tree and the locks are not fastened. You can’t leave because of the chain. You hold on to the fact that you have a chain it doesn’t matter if you are locked up or not. The chain is not holding you back. Business owners suffer from scarcity whenever they struggle with charging somebody for their services. They see how easy it was for them to work in their zone of genius and feel guilty for charging someone $200 for an hour of their time. When in reality the customer isn’t paying for the time they are paying for the expertise you have. That goes with the story of the repairman. A company’s machine was making a horrible noise. It was an older machine and was difficult to find people who can work on it. They tried several people and each one failed. Finally, they found an old man who specialized in working on just that very machine. They called him up and the repairman said that he would be right over. The repairman showed up and walked over to the machine. He took out a stethoscope and listened to the clank a few times then reached into his bag pulled out a hammer and smartly tapped at a joint n the machine. Instantly the machine stopped clanking and started running better than it ever had for a long time. The man handed over his bill and the price was $2000. The Business owner cried that’s outrageous! You were here for only 5 minutes why does it cost that much. The old man said let me break it down for you. The hammer tap was $10 knowing right where to hit is $1990. Common effects of a scarcity mindset people. You play it safe You are not about to risk all that you have because you don’t have enough to spare for the risk. However, if you do spend that $18,000 on that course you can expand your influence which could actually make you $180,000. You see what you don’t have not what doors are standing wide-open waiting for you to walk through. It limits your opportunities Again because you want to play it safe you are not about to take a risk. Therefore, your opportunities are very limited. You immediately take off the table all the things that are possible with the words, “If Only”. Then when the opportunity slide by you see that you missed your chance and focus on that problem, instead of looking for the next opportunity that is already walking up to your door. You don’t give You don’t have anything, so how can you actually give? You may have all the time in the world but you

What is an abundant mindset? People with an abundant mindset feel freer to give and share because they don’t see that the resources in their life are in scare supply. They have the motto of There is more where that came from. Often people who aim for and achieve big goals are people who have an abundance-oriented mindset. Because they aren’t worried about what they don’t have, abundant mindset folks are generally happier and easier to get along with they like to take people on their journeys and include more people in their success because they are not limited in what they can do. More control If you have an abundant mindset you aren’t worried about how is out of your hands. They will take what they have and use it to the fullest extent possible. They approach jobs with more gusto and enthusiasm because they are eager to see the results of their endeavor and don’t worry as much about what won’t happen. When they do fail, they take responsibility for their actions instead of wallowing in their failure. Being abundant gives, you so much more control over your options because you are in fact not limited in the possibilities. Characteristics of an abundant mindsetted person Clarity You see the path before you. That means that you are able to bend with sudden changes better and you know why you have to go through this problem. Choices You can better understand the choices you will have to make. A person with a scarcity mindset will only see what they don’t have. Therefore, they don’t think big and worry about the lack of choices. Instead seeing that a door is closed to you knows that yeah t could be open because it is possibly unlocked. Then again, maybe that door isn’t opening because you are pulling instead of pushing. Less pressing problems With an abundant mindset you focus on the problems at hand they aren’t as pressing because you know you have plenty of resources at your disposal. Freely share IF you have plenty of resources and thoughts, you have no problem sharing them. While if you are scarcity oriented you don’t share out of fear that you are going to run out. Focus on what is working Instead of bashing your head against a wall trying to make a completely big enough for you to go through, abundant mindset people won’t keep trying something that isn’t working. They freely try different avenues to get to their goal. Revel in the resources they have. There is an abundance so they enjoy being able to try everything they can. IF you look, you will see that there are always more opportunities than you originally thought. Proactive You will make a change to get over an obstacle instead of wasting your time reacting to every little problem. You can react or you can respond to a problem one is better while the other is filled with fear. Welcome change You understand that change is going to happen. Often your actions weren’t that change so you want to be accepting that the only thing in life that is constant is change. So when you approach a problem with the gusto that needed you can easily see what is and isn’t working so you have no problem making the needed sift. Gratitude Being grateful is one of the best resources you have at your grasp. Gratitude builds more energy for the actions you have to take. If you see more opportunities and are enthusiastic about the opportunity to approach them. How does this help? You become the go-to person People see the abundance in your life and they will migrate to you because you are helping them. Freely share resources You have enough to go around Easier to get along with Because you aren’t worried about what you don’t have you are nicer and easier going. You are OK with failing You understand that you are going to fail from time to time so you just get up and try a different approach How to develop an abundant mindset Proactive instead of reactive Be proactive instead of reacting to an event. You see farther down the path than others so you are more prepared for those inevitable pitfalls. Pat attention to your thoughts How are you thinking of a problem in your life? We have 60,000 thoughts a day and many of those, if we don’t pay attention to them, will try to bring us to a scarcity mindset. So pay attention to what you are thinking. Using mindfulness meditation can help greatly in this department. Ask yourself if that thought is coming from fear and scarcity or a place of plenty How are you approaching a problem? Is it through fear? Change how you think and your mindset will shift drastically Try to think bigger Stop thinking about just the next step look bigger. Do you want your own business or do you want a business that makes 100 million a year? Focus on what is going right instead of what is going wrong IF you fail, don’t try it again. Try something different. Find what is working and don’t obsess over what is not working. Offer words of appreciation Give thanks and give it often. Gratitude is an eternal wellspring of optimism that will help not only you but those w

What is a mindset? It is the story you tell yourself. It is a set of beliefs that help you in determine how badly you are wanting a particular outcome. A mindset is basically a set of thought habits. So this helps to set whether you are actually going to achieve that outcome or not. It is able to be changed. It isn’t easy and you have to stay after it. Some people associate your mindset with the subconscious but it is something you can actively shift and start believing and approaching life in a completely different way. Types of Mindset abundance Scarcity Growth You see that you are always learning Fixed School teaches you that if you are good you succeed If you don't learn you are a failure Need approval Every situation calls for a confirmation of their intelligence, personality, or character Why is mindset important? Mindset sets how resilient you are. How you approach problems How you handle failure

So there are so many people following each other it is actually pretty hard to see who is really leading. From Tattoos being a kind of interesting piece of art on bikers and sailers to now you see almost everyone with a tattoo.What makes leaders and successful people are that they are different. They don't march to anybody's drum but their own. Though people around them try to force them into their square hole. These people are unique. Don ImusHoward SternRush LimbaughWhat makes each of these three men different. Their careers started to soar when they started doing what they were called to do. They stopped listening to the crowd and started going on their own path.Now, this is different than rebelling against society or Men Going Their Own Way. Those are people using a victimhood mindset to make their decisions. Their motions have defensive intentions. While successful men go with a purpose. Those who march with a purpose don't care what others think. They have a vision and they are going for it. Yeah, there will be those who call them out. Yet they will not stop till they have achieved their reasonIn this episode of Relaxed Male, we delve into the concept of individuality and why it's perfectly okay to be different. As your host, Brian, I explore the societal pressures that push us to conform and the liberating power of embracing our uniqueness. We discuss how standing out can lead to personal growth and success, using examples from high school experiences to the careers of famous radio personalities like Howard Stern and Rush Limbaugh. These individuals found success by breaking away from the norm and embracing their true selves.We also touch on the idea of the "screw it" wall, a metaphorical barrier that, once broken through, allows individuals to truly shine and pursue their own paths. This episode encourages listeners to be true to themselves, even if it means facing criticism or standing alone for a while. We explore the difference between genuine individuality and mere rebellion against societal norms, emphasizing the importance of being true to oneself without falling into the trap of victimhood.Throughout the episode, I share insights on how being different can lead to admiration and respect from others, and how it can disrupt the stories we tell ourselves, leading to personal growth. Join me as we explore the power of individuality and the importance of embracing who you truly are.

There are times that we are just flat out stressed. There are family duties, work duties, and other random problems that just want to heap upon us so that we just start to have a hard time concentrating. That stress we feel can create moments of higher than normal anxiety and the different health problems that the increasing levels of cortisol supply from high blood pressure, to lack sleep, upset stomach and lowered immune systems. Stress isn’t good for us when we are in a constant state. From time to time, it’s good to be in but day in and day out you have to find a way to relieve that stress. So, to get yourself into a calmer state it is good to find different ways to reduce your stress. There are many different ways to calm down and to find a state of relaxation, or at least feel calmer than what may seem like the norm. Exercise There is nothing like adding oxygen and increased blood flow to wash out those stress hormones. Exercise in any form allows helps you not only get you into better shape helping your capillaries to expand so that blood gets to all the nooks and crannies of your body, but it also forces your mind to focus on an entirely different topic than the thoughts that are causing the stress. Exercise also produces many of the different feel-good neurotransmitters like endorphins. While the repetitive action of walking, running or lifting weights allows your mind to enter a relaxed state much like meditation. It counteracts the effects of stress such as weight gain, lowers blood pressure, and as mentioned, improves blood flow. Then getting outdoors and taking in the fresh air adds to the effect of exercise. Therefore, you are able to compound the effects by getting outside and walking at least. Write Writing is great for relaxing. It does several things that help take your mind off what stress-inducing problem is plaguing your mind. People have used different tools with writing to find stress relief. Such as doing a thought download, or free writing if you are having a problem starting your pen. Thought Download This exercise is where you can either set a timer or just getting all out on paper. What you do is you just write down everything you are thinking about. It doesn’t matter if you think the thought isn’t important, write it down. Why aren’t there any purple kittens? Write it down. Can a paper airplane fly upside down? Write it down. Why do we park on driveways? Write it down. You get the drift. Write all your thoughts down on paper and when your time is up or you have exhausted all your thoughts you can then look at that list of thoughts and see what is actually bothering you. You can then decide what is needed and actually important for you to focus on and what is extra fluff, which is just taking up space in your head. Freewriting This exercise is where you just start writing doesn’t even have to make any sense. Just start writing words and as you write your mind will start putting words onto your paper. This helps because you don’t have to think about anything. In fact, it works better if you are able to clear your mind. Each thought will come out as it is created. You do this until you feel you have a good idea of what could actually be bothering you. So how does writing help you ease stress? The biggest reason is the repetitive pattern of writing. It allows the brain to just flow. Your mind loves to be as efficient as possible and much of our stress comes when our brain has to start using more energy because it has to process something new. Do you even notice how you feel when you write with your other hand? Your brain isn't used to that extra work it has to put in to do something it does with our effort when using your dominant hand. Writing allows your mind to draw out those random thoughts that are gumming up the system. The practice of journaling is a great example of this. You are able to write out all that happened on that day and your brain is able to process those thoughts better and more efficiently. Writing your thoughts out on paper also allows your mind to see the thoughts that are rattling around in your head. An effect happens when you see the words and thoughts written down physically through your hand. This is better with pen and paper but you can also type it out. I recommend to my clients to use the pen and paper method because your mind has a stronger connection to your handwriting instead of the sterile text of type. Because you get all the extra unimportant thoughts out of your head, you are also able to improve the cognitive functions of your brain. Your brain can actually be bogged down with random and extemporaneous thoughts. Therefore, if you clean house you free up the gunk in your mind and your brain can process thoughts better and faster. This helps with reducing the stress of not being able to think of the right slogan for your client. One last benefit of writing is that you work the fine joints, muscles, and tendons of your hands this helps to relieve

Talking about failing to even start today. What holds you back? What are the factors that keep you from even taking getting far enough down the road to even feel stuck?Fear This is the biggest of all and encompasses just about everything that makes you not even want to jump off the diving board into the pool of cool success.Fear of Results But we want results right? Yes, we do. yet many times those results can be scary to think of. There are people who are afraid of what's going to happen to them if and when they become successful. What if success changes you what if you become fake? All of these different want ifs that happen in our minds but never happen in real life.Fear of Change The very act of changing scares people. That lizard part of your brain starts to activate and you are suddenly on the lookout for saber-tooth tigers and other unforeseen hazards. So, it is better if you were just staying in your cave and not come out. Of course, that means you will starve. Yet you are at least safe.Fear of Upsetting Others We worry about what others will think. Again we may lose some friends or be talked about behind our backs. Well, who wants that? Nobody if they allow others to control their feelings. You would be surprised to find out that most people who matter in your life will cheer you on. While those who don't actually provide value to your life will talk. Yet again since they don't provide any value they really don't matter in the grand scheme of things, which is your life.Fear of Failing We fear to fail. It could ruin us or cause problems. Maybe you fear people will talk or something to that effect. And that could happen more than likely they will see you get back up and ignore the fall. What the fall means is only in your mind.The Skateboarder My son when he was young wanted a skateboard and so we got him one. Several Months later, He wanted to go to the skate park and try it out. So we took him to the local park and it took him a long time of trying to go down the halfpipe before he finally attempted to go. What was holding him back? FearWhy does this happen? Over Thinking the situation Most of the time it is over thinking of the situationHow to Jump Some tips on how to jump and go ahead and get started.Make a plan Planning is goodSet goals Goals are needed for you to know how you are going to proceedTalk to others Get tips and tricks on how to navigate your path by talking to others who have gone down that road before you.Get a coach You can also find out how to achieve your goals and success by getting coached.In this episode of Relaxed Mel, we dive into the barriers that hold us back from pursuing our dreams and goals. As your host, Brian, I explore the common fears and excuses that prevent us from taking the first step towards change. From the fear of failure to the fear of upsetting others, we uncover how these fears are often rooted in our "lizard brain" and how they can paralyze us with overthinking.We discuss the importance of taking small steps and making plans to overcome these fears. I share personal anecdotes, including a story about my son learning to skateboard, to illustrate how fear can be conquered with determination and support. We also touch on the role of societal influences, like media-induced anxiety, in amplifying our fears.Throughout the episode, I offer practical advice on how to break through these barriers, such as setting goals, seeking mentorship, and embracing failure as a learning opportunity. Whether it's starting a new business, pursuing a hobby, or making a significant life change, the key is to acknowledge your fears and take action despite them.Join me as we explore how to change your mindset and become the leader of your own destiny. If you're ready to make a radical shift in your life, consider joining our community or attending one of our live events to gain the support and guidance you need.

We all feel stuck from time to time. The problem is when we feel stick and don’t know how to get past that feeling. We often are stuck and accept it as normal. We cope with the feeling and it often becomes normal. That is why so many people have started their great American novel, and it dies there. These folks start their novel and they are stuck and the fruit of their work just dies on the vine. Why do people, get stuck? There are several different reasons for them feeling stuck Procrastination Most people find other things to focus on than take the time and work needed to apply the foreword pressure to keep going on their dream or ambition. We procrastination is often the go-to means of not doing the work because we can always find easier things to focus on that doesn’t require the same amount of brainpower as it does when we are creating. We over Book With all the life throw at us, we often over book. The new projects and honey-do list keeps growing. This is often a huge distraction from our objectives. We see that we aren’t doing the job we need to do but we are stuck trying to get the priorities list taken care of so we can eventually focus on our dream. The problem is that the list never really shrinks. Either because we use the tasks as a means to procrastinate or we are not managing our time correctly. We don’t say No This goes in line with overbooking, but we also fail to say no or don’t set boundaries that allow us to take care of our dreams and goals. Someone needs a quick 29 project done and another person needs to talk to us to 10 minutes. As these people ask more and more of us we have less and less time to do what needs to be done. Therefore, you have to set boundaries and learn to say no. We Need a Change Sometimes we find ourselves in a rut. This happened in marriages and other relationships but also happens when you are trying to achieve your goals. You get in a rut and ruts are famously hard to get out of. Ruts can also be dangerous in they can hang you up or in old times, they would even break wagon wheels. Yet you have to get out of the rut and the best way to do that is to make a change. It could go outdoors and go camping or maybe you have to change your employment status from full time to part-time. There is something that can change that will help propel you to the next level you are trying for. We are not wanting to make progress Sometimes we just don’t want to make the progress we talk about. It could be out of fear or you don’t want to actually do the work. Both of these can be detrimental to a dream or opportunity. Yet if we buckle under and get to work, we can make progress in the field we need to slough through. Yeah, accounting sucks but you have to get it done. Afraid to Change Many people don’t want to change. They are comfortable and feel alright with where they are. Except that, they have this sensation that they are missing something or time is running out and they are right. They have to make the change and step out of their comfort zone before they can grow. A chick has to break free of the egg for it to be healthy. A butterfly has to fight its way out of its cocoon if it gets help the butterfly is not going to be a beautiful creature we normally see. It has to go through the discomfort of hatching so that the blood and other fluids are squeezed to the tips of the wings. Without it is it this flightless creature that will die suddenly. We have to face the change we are afraid of for us to grow. The experience of that discomfort gives us the needed skills to face the next task Way out of feeling stuck Thought Download You can take the time to write down every thought you have in a 15 – 30 minute period. Doing so allows your brain to register that the thought has become more real and effectively stops the thought circle. You would be surprised by how much you do think about that has nothing to do with what you want to be done. In making, a thought download you can physically see what you are thinking about and decide what is more important than other thoughts Take a Break There is nothing wrong with stopping project, stepping back, and accessing where you are being hung up Take action Be it Making a decision on a problem or hiring a life coach if you take action no matter how small you will be making progress

So many men have become dependent that it is actually scary to think of being self-reliance. Though being able to rely on yourself is an important part of being a complete and balanced man. Many people depend on others to make them happy or to provide for them. This does nothing but breed discontent in the person who is relying on others to be taken care of. The other people who are taking care of you may do it out of the kindness of their heart for a while be eventually they start to look at you like a bit of a mooch. I know this because when I was a young man just starting out on my own I was a mooch. I lived in an apartment with another guy who used to be my friend. I was able to make the bills if I didn’t eat. So I struggled and often had to have help from my roommate. This was ok for a while but eventually, it bred resentment in my roommate, and eventually, we parted ways and have not talked to each other since. Now some may say that he was just being selfish. No, he wasn’t, I was, and thanks to my roommate He taught me a very valuable lesson in that in any relationship you have to provide value. If you are always taking value and not providing the unbalance causes there to be anger and resentment. So how do you become self-Reliant? There are several ways to do this. But the number one way is to get uncomfortable. You are going to have to depend on yourself and you are going to fail. Not that you may fail, but you are going to fail. Be ok with that you are will be well ahead of all the others who are struggling with growing up, otherwise known as adulating. Don’t wait on others This can be a bit difficult. Often we wait on seeing what others do out of fear that we are going to choose the wrong thing. Don’t sweat this. Just take action. If it is wrong, OK you now know what not to do. Chalk it up to a learning experience and try again. Taking action is the one thing most dependent men don’t do. They will stand around and wait for orders to be given to them. Then they wonder why the orders are of the crappy kind. Why can’t they do something they would rather like to do than say sweep the shop? That is because you didn’t take action. If you become a self-starter you are going to be a lot more thought of as a more dependable man. All because you got up out of bed when you said you were going to. If you wait for others to take action then you are already behind. Make a decision Where do you want to eat? I don’t know where do you want to eat? This is a question that can go on forever. There are internet memes that talk about how men and women not able to find a place to eat because neither one is willing to make a decision. So I say make a decision. In fact, if you take action you are going to look more favorable in your girl’s eyes because you did take charge. So if there is a choice to make that choice and stick to it. Don’t him and haw, make a choice and then don’t wait on others and get to work. Take responsibility If there is anything at the heart of being self-reliant that is you taking responsibility for yourself and your actions. As I said before you are going to get decisions wrong and you are going to make mistakes. Yet, as you keep making decisions and owning your dirt. The level of respect you have will keep growing. The more responsibility you have the more respect you also will develop. People will start to see you as a person who gets things done and knows that you are a man of your word. Take care of yourself This is important in that you are showing yourself the needed self-care and self-respect you need to be self-reliant. You are relying on yourself to get what needs to be done, right? So make sure you are taking care of yourself. Take care of your finances This is just as important as yourself except that you are also preparing to make sure you are taken care of in your later years. The only person you can actually rely on to be able to care for yourself in your later year is only you. You can’t and shouldn’t be relying on that the government is going to be able to take care of you. If you want to be able to live in relative comfort then you want to make sure you take care of your business yourself. Stop with the Comparison game This is the biggest thief of joy in your life. Trying to compare yourself to other people is unrealistic. This also makes you feel like crap and is useless to the overall plan of what you have. If you are looking to other people you are also comparing them to yourself. You see what they have versus what you don’t and that is never a fair comparison. So quit comparing yourself to others. You are looking at the wrong scenario.

Some people believe they deserve to be happy. Is this really true? This is what we explore in today’s podcast episode. Many people believe they are supposed to feel happy all of the time and then get flustered and even downright upset when they feel anything other than happiness. They are plagued by anxiety because they aren’t happy. People do so many different attempts at not feeling that anxiety that they start to fight all emotions. It is almost like a child who doesn’t get their way they pack up all their toys. Life is 50%/50% The part many people who suffer from constant anxiety and fear fail to realize that life is 50/50 or half of your life is going to great, happy and joyous. While the other 50% of your life is going to be painful negative emotions, and that is a good thing. You don’t want to be happy when someone dies. You want to feel grief and sorrow. You break up from your love. You don’t want to feel joyous. That is the death of a relationship so you should mourn the loss of an emotional connection. The sad part is that many people demand that they be happy. People believe that they deserve to be happy and that others should be making them happy and there is a fault in that line of thinking. That fault is that people can’t make other people feel a particular emotion or any emotion. To feel an emotion you must first have thought. That thought is needed before you can feel. For that thought to happen, there is an event or circumstance. This is where many people believe they receive their emotions. Yet, events are neither positive nor are they negative until you put your thought on it. Look at the times your kids have done something they are proud of, for instance drawing on the wall. You can see that as a destructive act and respond with anger and harsh words or you can see that junior is just trying to exercise his creativity. This is where you can have more than one emotion and that emotion isn’t wrong. The event is the same the thought is different and that thought creates the emotion of being angry or just put out. You don’t allow yourself to be happy Many people talk about how they want to just be happy. Yet anytime something happens they don’t choose to be happy about it. Often this is the pessimist’s line of thinking. They could look at the glass to be half-full but they can only see that their glass is half gone. They don’t allow the feeling of joy in their lives because they are too busy worrying about when the other shoe is going to drop. Yet because they are, the only ones who can make themselves feel joy happiness and love they are the force that keeps themselves miserable. They have chosen to be unhappy. You have to earn happiness Another part of being happy is often you have to earn happiness. That is because happiness is the reward for a job completed. That sense of accomplishment is the reward we are craving. To be able to earn that reward you have to get yourself out of your cave. You have to deny yourself the pleasure of Netflix or seeing what baby Yoda is up to so that you can go out and do something that will propel yourself forward toward your happiness. Therefore, get outdoors do something that gets you closer to your goals. One way you can do this is with the Camp and Coach event that I am hosing in Western Oklahoma. If you would like to change, you think so you can find the life you have been dreaming of then sign up for the Camp and Coach Event that is happening on May 7-10

A quick and shorter episode this week compared to Episode 5 at least. So this week talking about after-action reviews. This is a review strategy that can help you become better and learn from your mistakes faster. It does take some practice to think of it and practice it after different actions. Basically as a whole what you want to be able to do is after any event ask yourself the following questions. What did I do good? What did I do wrong? What needs to be improved What can be learned from this event? This can help you see your strengths and your weaknesses. You can find out what you need to work on, while also helping you understand any lessons that this event could teach you. After action reviews are used by many of the most successful people as a means of understanding where their goals worked and where their goals failed. You can also use the after-action review as a means to improve your communication skills with your wife.

The end of the year is near. Have you set your goals yet? Do you even plan to set goals? This episode is all about goals. We cover the Who, What, How’s, and why’s of Goal setting. Why set goals? Goals are important to men who want a change. What type of change? Any change you desire. You want to be wealthy. You have to set goals. If you want to have a happy marriage you have to have goals. Goals are the road map of your life. You can get around without a map but you will not guarantee that you will make it to the destination you want. You may make it there eventually but you will not make it in anytime fast. If you set goals, you are making the most efficient path to that destination. Now a map doesn’t show the different hardships you may encounter just the path. You can’t tell if there are potholes along the way but you know where the highs and the lows are. What are the benefits? There are several benefits to goal setting the biggest being the effect it has on you. The biggest is that you will build confidence in whatever new skill you take on. You also start having an abundant mindset as you keep making progress with your goals. This is because as you take steps toward your goals you are going to fail. Many times, you may want to give up on your goals. If you keep trying, you will get better with each attempt. The more you try the more you fail until you are able to succeed. Each attempt help you get a little further down the road. You can look at it as riding a bike. When you first started riding a bike, you didn’t know how you had to try. With each attempt, you got a little better and a little better. It may have started with figuring out how to simply get on your bike and then progress to figuring out how to get it to move. From there you had to crash repeatedly. Until you could ride, up and down the block without falling. Then you were faced with the obstacle of stopping. Eventually, you could do that without bailing off your bike. Goals are like riding that bike. With each success, you build more confidence and experience with the task. So Yeah, you are going to fail but those failures are preparing you for success. Another benefit is that you grow with each experience. Who needs to set goals? I personally think everybody needs to have a goal or two. You became a more resilient person when you set and strive to achieve goals. With each failure, you become more confident and you learn more skills. Yet most people don’t have goals they either try and fail the first or second time then never try again. Many of these people have a scarcity mindset or sometimes called a fixed mindset. They don’t believe they can learn anymore. So who needs to set goals? Anybody who wants more out of life needs to set goals. People who desire more success or want to reach for their dreams also need to make plans and set goals. If you are a person who wants a change then you need to start setting goals. If someone wants to travel, again they need to set goals. Types of goals There are a few different methods of setting goals. The two that I am the most familiar with are the following The HARD Method This method is new in my books. I just found out about it last month. Therefore, I can’t say I am an expert and though many say this is the best way to achieve your goals I do fail to see how it works so well. However, HARD Anachronism means Heartfelt – make sure you have an emotional connection to your goal. This part I understand. It is important for you to have a connection to your goal so making sure that you have a heartfelt connection to what you are trying to achieve is very important. I would say that it is key to any goals system. Be it HARD or SMART Animated – This step is misnamed but if you want to have a good Name for your system then I guess you have to make some concessions. This is actually visualizing your goals. What does it mean for you to succeed in achieving this goal? What does it feel like to reach your goal? What does it smell like? How will you act? What will you think? For instance, if you were to get a brand-new car, what color would it be? What color interior would it have? Is it Leather seats or fabric? How does it smell? You want to see this goal as being achieved. That is the point of the animated step. It is also very important to any goal you set Required – From what I have read about the hard method this amounts to your why. Why is this goal important? Why is it required to be achieved? Difficult – This goes along with the stretch goals. Your goal should be ambitus. You sometimes called a BHAG or Big Hairy audacious goal. Ok, it is good to have large goals. Yet this is where this method loses it for me because there is no timeframe. For success, I believe that a dream is only a goal without a deadline. You want a goal, not a dream. The SMART Method Specific – What is the goal? Instead of losing weight, you want to be specific, and say you want to lose 50 pounds. You want to make an extra $50,00

Emotions, it is one of those conversations many people don’t care to have. Men often see emotions as a messy hindrance in their daily life that many men avoid some emotions though if you were to believe some media sources you would think that men love to be angry and brutish all the time. This is because of people often don’t understand emotions. They avoid what they deem to be negative emotions while perusing only good feeling emotions. Both of these tactics with your feelings are not good nor healthy for your mental health. So this week buckle up men we are talking emotions. What are emotions? Ask a person what an emotion is and you will get a wide assortment of definitions. Yet, they all center around one key point. Emotions are felt. That would make sense considering they are also called feelings. We describe emotions as the action of being felt. I feel happy. I feel sad. I feel baffled. I am feeling powerless. All emotions are felt. In its simplest form, an emotion is a vibration that is created by a thought. That is all an emotion actually is. Vibrations you feel. This is where we often get ourselves trapped. Yeah, we feel an emotion. We have a feeling, and with that, we think other people are experiencing that emotion as well. The truth of the matter is they don’t. The only person who gets to experience an emotion is you. As I said it is a vibration YOU feel. Not a vibration your wife feels. Where do Emotions come from? To explain how emotions work and how they actually affect you. We need to look at a modified TEAR Cycle. Or as Brooke Castillo Calls it the Model. This is where you experience an event. The Event creates an Emotion. That Emotion causes you to perform an Action. That Action generates your Result. Therefore, everything you feel comes from your thoughts. Your wife said you were going to get to have some hanky panky and she falls asleep an hour earlier. You may feel robbed or you maybe just flat out miffed that she did this again. Do you think she is feeling your anger? No, she is sleeping. Yet your mind has gone int to overdrive fueling that frustration. You keep pointing to this fact and that fact. Yet those thoughts don’t make you feel any better. Those emotions you are feeling affect only you. Nobody else, only you. Your actions may cause other people to have emotions that spark their own feelings but you can't feel those feelings. Does this mean that you don’t have to worry about anybody else emotions? Because you have seen your wife giving you the stink eye because you haven’t carried out the trash you promised you were going to do 3 days ago. Because her anger towards you doesn’t affect you. Well you are right it doesn’t affect you but you do want to express your love to a person. You want to care for them. You want to show them that you care. So you do things for them. You take out the trash. You make them supper. You rub their feet after a long day. These displays of affection and/or respect help you to connect to others. So why do men not show emotions? There are many reasons as to why so many think men don’t show their emotions enough, and that is the key point many want men to share their emotions as much as women do and we aren’t women. WE as men process our emotions differently. Many times men will tap in to being stoic which is the endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings and without complaint. This doesn’t mean we bury our emotions. No, We process our emotions at the needed time and place. So you are saying men hide their emotions? No farthest thing from stuffing our feelings down. You never want to suppress your emotions. These vibrations have to ring out their full life. Even if those emotions are negative emotions, they have to go the full extent of their life. When anybody be it a man or a woman repress their emotions, those emotions will eventually resurface and often in a more physical form. All of a sudden instead of experiencing an emotion you are experiencing an addiction. That addiction has taken the place of your emotion because now you have to have a much stronger tool to keep that vibration at bay. You are not able to have a good healthy relationship. You have mental health issues. All because you would allow a negative emotion to be felt. Yet men are being told they don’t share their emotions enough Well to a point that is right. To another point, these critics are completely wrong. Men do share their feelings. They just experience and process their emotions in a completely different way. Most healthy men understand the emotions they are feeling. Yet men do share what they are feeling. The big hang-up is that people want men to share their emotions in the same way women share their emotions. IF men do that those women reject that man. That's because women, in reality, don’t want those men to share their feelings that much. That is when men are called clingy and immature. They want to know what a guy is thinking a lot more than what he is

What makes a man? That is a big question. Many people ask that all that time. There are Quora topics on what a person has to do to be a man. Yet the answer is actually pretty straight forward. With all the navel-gazing many do over this topic, the answer can be summed up on a comparison. You have one man who is in his parent’s basement he is the stereotypical guy who just is aimless and has no drive. He really doesn’t have a why. Why should he? Now you have another guy who is in his apartment. He may be paying too much for it. But it is his. He has some furniture but it is far from fully furnished. Yet this guy gets up every day and leaves with a purpose. Now you may say that yeah he has bills to pay. And with that, you are partially correct. The difference between these two examples is besides one being aloof and aimless and the other has a purpose is that the man who lives by himself has a sense of responsibility. But why is this important? Gives a man his identity A man who drives a truck is a truck driver. A man who has a family he is a husband and a father. If he is making sure people are safe he is a policeman or security officer. Each of these titles has a particular set of responsibilities. Those responsibilities are what help that man identify who he is and how he fits into society. Has a sense of purpose With that purpose, a man is comfortable in his spot in society. His interests may change and with that, he can always switch where he fits in because he knows his purpose. The only thing that changes in that is the tools he uses to help his fellow men. With a sense of responsibility, men know that they are being helpful and providing. Men have to have something to do. That need is ingrained in us. IF we don’t have that “To-do” We become depressed and like the guy in the basement. An elderly man quickly goes downhill when his spouse dies because she is his responsibility. He lives to make sure she is alright. When she dies he often becomes lost. That is why it is good for an elderly man to find another woman to marry. HE can pick up the mantel of providing for her. It is what drives him He is a man with a purpose. Men who know what they have to do become a take-charge kind of guy. That guy is in every man he just has to have the drive to engage in his purpose. Without the drive, he is moody and withdrawn. When he has a purpose his confidence is up and becomes more outgoing While a man with a sense of purpose and has responsibilities feel more complete they also know they can handle the anxiety that everyday assaults them with. There are fires that come up but he can put them out. How do you find responsibility? Take charge of something. It may be as minuscule as the trash but if you start with one small step you will take another step and it will be for a larger chunk of responsibility. Ask your boss for a task. If it is your first time it may be a small task, but that should be welcomed fully. As you tackle that task you will get better. Be ok with failing and if you do fail to own your dirt and don’t try to hide it. Fess up to dropping the ball and tell the boss how you are making up for it. Have a plan. If you need help figuring out your purpose, you can sign up for coaching with me. We can do a connect session and find out how I can help you

I called an audible this week and decided to change the direction of the podcast. One big problem I had was the audio quality was seriously lacking so I dropped my earbuds mic for just the microphone on my phone. This has increased my sound quality a lot and the sound will improve down the road when I get a digital recorder for the show. The other reason I changed some stuff in this show already is that I got called back to why I was doing my blog and now this podcast. The reason is that we are losing men left and right to suicides. Last year around this time I lost my good dear friend Cory Hicks. Then this year on the 18th of November I lost my best friend from high school. Jake McDowell was his name. When you hear me talk about going to my friend's house and we would camp out on the circle or out in the pasture. This was the guy I was talking about. He had the tent so we would go on grand adventures. If it were too cold to sleep outside we would sleep in the barn. Sometimes there would be horses in the stalls under us. I actually think this is one of the reasons I like the smell of hay and tack so much now. Yet I wonder why. Of course, all the survivors wonder why our loved ones take their lives. Sometimes it is evident while others are not so much. Jake is the later, we don’t know why. We only have assumptions that are wrong. Yet this decade seems to have increased in the number of suicides. I have my theories as to why. I talk about Jake often and now that he is gone, I will talk about him so that his memory stays alive. Jake loved to tell jokes and superstitions. He would cough up a joke at a moment notice and you didn’t know if it was going to be an off color joke or one you could tell you mom. But you laughed at them. Yet, through the years I lost contact with Jake and I remember the joy of finding him on Facebook. I was able to connect and I would talk to him from time to time. I even went to where he lived and ate catfish with him. It was a incredible time to see my dear friend again. I would still touch base but again I lost the majority of the connection with Jake. The Connection. This is what the Relaxed Male is about. I want to help me reconnect. Not only with their friends and family, but with the one person that means the most to them. Men need to reconnect with themselves. We often don’t consider our own interests until everybody else is taken care of. Sadly, that is to our detriment. Men these days lie to ourselves and say we are too busy to connect with other men. We are losing the coffee shop gatherings. This allows us to have the needed senses of belonging that keep us content and balanced. Yeah getting outdoors provides some of these benefits but talking to our peers is also very important. That is why one of the pillars of Relaxed Male is Family/Community. Yet the younger men don’t want to have to go through the troubles of answering a phone. Some won’t even answer a phone call, but they will answer a text. Sadly there are nuances that are found in voice communication that is lost in a text. Yeah you can sort of makeup for it with an emoji but it really doesn’t cut the mustard. We have used technology to try to make ourselves more comfortable and in doing so we have become unbearably lost. Todays you see men who are talking about not having any friends. If you confront them on it they make the excuse of I don’t think I really need friends. Well, they don’t realize they just cried out for help. These young men want friends but don’t want to get uncomfortable. Without that discomfort, they don’t grow. That lack of growth causes you to be stunted as a man. You lose needed skills so that you can be as helpful to the community as you possibly can. So this week go out and talk to someone. Make a connection hone that connection so that it is noticeable when you haven’t been in contact with that other man in a couple of days. You will be happier for it. If you want a community to join look to the Conclave of Men

Hello men, So today we have our very first episode of the new podcast the Relaxed Male. This is another channel that will help men find out that they have more potential of achieving their dreams than originally thought Now, this episode does a brief overview of the 4 pillars of Relaxed Male. These pillars are The Man His Mind His Community Creativity Each of these pillars helps men to find find the needed ground so that they can face the daily challenges that show up. Often, men, these days are burning out or even word developing a mental illness. They feel anxious and even some suffer from panic attacks. This is a sign that you are going against the grain. So with The Relaxed Males Help, together we can change your mindset and attitudes from a victim-oriented mind to a man who takes action when needed with an abundant mindset.

So what can you expect from this podcast? LIfe changing ideas and seeing how your thoughts change your results. The Relaxed Male Podcast attacks the root of the problem and helps men remove the nice guy in their lives so that they can start living their life on their terms. That way they can get the fulfillment and meaning they have desired.