The Generous Husband Daily Rant

On Sunday July 15, 2001, I did the first post for The Generous Husband. Today, some 8,000 posts later, I write this last one. It’s certainly bitter-sweet, but I’m not giving up blogging, so it’s okay. (If you want to follow the new blog it’s https://doingmarriagewell.com – and I start Saturday.) Doing this blog has been a big part of my life for a very long time. I’ve enjoyed getting to know many of you online, and some of you in person. It’s been a blast, and a blessing. My thanks to all of you. The image here is the original top banner for the blog. I’ve thought a lot about what I want to leave you with. I’m rerunning the first post about prayer at the bottom, because every marriage needs prayer! Beyond that, I want to talk about getting help. Lori and I have worked with a great many marriages over the years. We now coach online, if you want to connect with us. We’ve had plenty of couples tell us that third party help has improved or saved their marriage. We’ve also had couples say it made their sex lives better. You have to be willing to do the work, but if you are, a bit of skilled guidance can make a huge difference. When I was young, Christians didn’t go for help. It was as if seeking help was admitting to a horrible sin. Couples suffered in silence, and marriages died in silence. God is clear that we’re supposed to seek wise counsel, and we’re commanded to help others in the body of Christ. If you need help, please get it. If you don’t need it, but would benefit from it, please get help. Do you find it difficult to pray for your wife because you aren’t sure what to pray about? Try praying based on the first letter of the day: Sunday pray for her Spiritual walkMonday pray for her Moods and Mental healthTuesday pray for her Thought lifeWednesday pray for her Weaknesses to be healedThursday pray for her Time usageFriday pray for her FriendshipsSaturday pray for her Sexuality Image Credit: © The Generous HusbandShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Farewell to The Generous Husband first appeared on The Generous Husband.

On Tuesday, I said your wife’s needs are valid, even though they’re different. What about her sexual needs? Even if a woman is all about sex, it’s not as high on her list as is the case for most men. Usually, sex doesn’t make a woman feel loved. Rather, she wants sex because she feels loved. Beyond that, if you have the higher drive, she may rarely get to full desire. Perhaps she says yes out of love, or obligation, when she’s not feeling it. Or she says no initially, and then says yes as soon as she is close to wanting it. This is very different from your reality. Can you imagine what it must be like for her? Can you see how it would affect her sexually? Something else, what if she feels she’s supposed to orgasm every time she has sex? What if you expect this of her and have made it clear it’s not good sex if you’re the only one who comes? The real problem is most of us have a small, skewed view of what constitutes sex. If we had a broader view, sex would be easier and better for both spouses. Sex should be an activity done by a couple that includes contact of a sexual nature. It could last a minute, or an hour, or anywhere in-between. It should include as many orgasms as each spouse wants, with zero being a valid number. And each spouse should be free to decide at any point during sex if they do or don’t want an orgasm on that occasion. If this was how your wife saw sex, and she knew you saw it the same way, it would be easier for her to say yes to sex. It would also be easier for her to initiate sex; even if she was just doing it for you. Is how you define sex limiting or hurting your sex life? Image Credit: © themorningglory | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Redefining Sex So It’s Easier And Better for Both of You first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Today, I want to impress on you that while your wife’s needs are different from your needs, they are just as valid. When I say needs, I mean what she needs from you to feel loved and cared for. You do want her to feel loved and cared for, don’t you? We tend to dismiss our wife’s needs because they are different. We don’t understand why they’re important because we don’t understand what’s behind them. We may not consciously dismiss her needs, but odds are we don’t see her needs to be as valid as our needs. And that hurts her and damages our marriage. Even if her needs are based on fear, trauma, or lack from her childhood years, they are valid. Failing to meet those needs won’t make them go away. She may stop asking, but that doesn’t mean she is less hurt by not having the needs met. On the other hand, if you meet needs that are based on her past, you put her in a better place to deal with what’s behind those needs. Over time, some of those needs will fade away. And new healthier needs may arise. Either you meet her needs, or you do not. And why you do or don’t is irrelevant to her. Image Credit: © alfa27| stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Different, Possibly Confusing, But Totally Valid first appeared on The Generous Husband.

As this is my last week of posts on this blog, I want to hit a few important concepts before I move on. For the last nine years, most of my Monday posts have been simple, easy to do things to make your marriage better. Small things can make a real difference, and a steady diet of small things can be huge. The power of simple acts is they don’t cost you much in terms of time or energy. This means you can do a couple of small loving things even when you have an impossible week. Giving her occasional bright moments during a dark time shows that you’re still thinking of her, and still love her. Grand acts are great when you can pull them off well, but they should not take the place of the steady drip of love that comes from doing simple things often. You can see all the simple idea posts here. Image Credit: © patpitchaya | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post The Lasting Impact of Small Acts of Love in Marriage first appeared on The Generous Husband.

At the start of this year, I suggested that you Honour Your Wife by Letting Go of Sexual Preferences. I said if there were a couple of things you wanted that she keeps rejecting, you should stop asking for those. I proposed your wife is more important than those sex acts. Then someone asked, “What if she has a lot of things she doesn’t like?” I’m assuming this is about a wife who’s willing to have sex, but only does a very few things. So the issue is boredom, not refusal. It’s tempting to say there are men who would give anything to have regular boring sex, but I realise that doesn’t make anyone feel better. The problem is pushing such a woman for more will turn her off. She’s doing what works for her. Other things are a problem either because they don’t arouse her, turn her off, or in her mind they’re unacceptable. My suggestion is to become very skilled at what she’s okay with. And thank her regularly for being there for you sexually. Give her time to feel secure in what you now do. Then suggest something just across the current line. Don’t ask, just say it might be interesting to _____ sometime. This is the best path to doing more. There’s no guarantee, but if you can be loving and patient, odds are it will eventually move the needle. NEW FEED: As I gear up to move to Doing Marriage Well, I’ve set up a Bluesky account that will run the blog posts and a few marriage positive “tweets” a day. @doingmarriagewell.bsky.social If you want to follow by email, you can sign up upper right on Doing Marriage Well. You will receive the last week of posts from Lori. Image Credit: © vera7388 | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Navigating Sexual Boundaries with Love and Patience first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Whitney Johnson, a Harvard Business Review blogger, has some interesting ideas I think apply to marriage nicely. In Throw Your Life a Curve Johnson talks about the S curve model for understanding how we learn new things. You start to do something new to improve some aspect of your marriage, or just to make your wife happier. This could be a change of habit, trying to listen better, a new approach to sex, whatever. You start at the lower left of the curve, in the yellow area of the chart above. You are unsure how it’s going to work or exactly what to do. After you struggle for a while, you get the hang of it, and you start to improve rapidly. You get positive feedback from your bride because she is seeing the rapid change; this is the green area. Finally, you have almost mastered what you’re doing, which means there’s not much room to grow or improve. Your wife may stop bragging on you; you may start doing whatever out of habit without much thought, or you may get bored with it. This is the red area. Each phase has dangers: YELLOW: The danger here is giving up. This is the most frustrating part of doing something new. There is little growth, plenty of failure, and little or no recognition of what you’re trying to do. The important thing here is to just keep going. GREEN: The greatest danger here is getting a big head. Don’t let your success or her praise cause you to slack off here or in other areas. You need to add this to the other ways you meet her wants and needs. Another danger is thinking that you’re owed something (see Say no to Quid Pro Quo). RED: One danger here is backing off just before you master whatever it is you’re doing. Another danger is slipping into autopilot, which means you won’t do as good a job. You might also get so bored you stop doing it, do it less often, or don’t keep doing it as well. Do you see any of this in your past when you tried to improve your marriage? Do you tend to drop out in the yellow zone? Do you think too much of yourself in the green zone, or think she owes you? Do you get to the red zone and drop what you are doing to start a new curve? [This post first appeared Nov 29, 2012.] Image Credit: © Paul H ByerlyShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post FF: Applying the S-Curve Model to Strengthen Your Marriage first appeared on The Generous Husband.

I trust God will understand. I’m not so sure about the neighbors. ~ Papa to Yentl It’s been over forty years since I saw the movie, but I still remember this line clearly. Yentl’s father teaches the Talmud to the boys in his small Polish town. At that time, Judaism forbade teaching the Talmud to women. But behind locked doors and closed curtains, Papa teaches it to Yentl. The quote above is how Papa answers when Yentl asks why he is careful no one sees him teaching her. The Bible talks about the weaker brother, and admonishes us to refrain from behaviour that would offend those weaker in their faith, even if the action is not sin. But what we do in the privacy of our homes and marriages is not seen by the weaker brothers and sisters, and we are free to do anything that is acceptable to God. This applies to what we eat and drink, how we raise our children, and what we do sexually. But while God will understand, some of your Christian neighbours may not. Be careful lest you offered those of weaker faith. So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. ~ Romans 14:22 NIV Image Credit: © MidjourneyShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Freedom in Marriage: God vs. What Others Think first appeared on The Generous Husband.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is one single cause for all divorces and unhappy marriages: We fail to do what we should because of selfishness. We do things we should not because of selfishness. We withhold grace and forgiveness because of selfishness. We may blame what we do wrong on our wife’s selfishness. And while that will often be valid, we could instead deal with our selfish response to her selfishness. The good news in this is the way to a better marriage is simple: work on being less selfish. Do please note that generosity is the opposite of selfishness. Image Credit: © https://www.brandcrowd.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post The Root of All Marital Strife and the Path to Healing first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Valentine’s is over. But the need for your wife to know you love her is not. This week, buy her flowers or candy. Send her a loving text. Take her out for the evening, or serve her breakfast in bed. Do this no matter what you did or did not do for Valentine’s. It means even more when it’s not expected. Image Credit: © rocketclips | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Beyond Valentine’s: Showing Your Wife Love Year-Round first appeared on The Generous Husband.

The other day, I talked about the need to let go and move on, and what we can miss when we fail to do that. Today I want to apply that to sex. No, I am not suggesting you need to let go of sex! Far from it. We generally hold on to what works. And we often keep holding on to it even when it’s not working. And we tend to be especially bad about this when it comes to sex. If you struggled to find a way of having sex that worked for both you and your wife, it’s understandable to feel you need to guard that. But our minds and our bodies change, and what was great then may not be great now. What was okay then may be not okay now. I’ve been having sex with the same woman for forty years. It’s still great, and far better than when we started. But it’s not the same. It’s changed over the years many times in big and small ways. Some changes were finding something better, others were finding something that worked because what we’d been doing wasn’t working very well. And those changes are why we both still want and enjoy sex. If you want to enjoy sex for the rest of your lives, you have to be willing to let go and move on. Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.aiShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Evolving Intimacy: Embracing Change in Your Marriage Bed first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Have you ever tried the “ask for sex every night” approach, figuring the more often you ask, the more often she will say yes? Or, maybe you have no idea why she says yes or no, so you figure you should ask all the time so you don’t miss an occasion when she might say yes. Basically fire blindly and hoping you hit the target occasionally! I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I found it didn’t work so well. If you think about it, why would it? If your wife, or your child, or anyone else, did the same to you over something, don’t you think you would come to resent it? Might you feel so nagged you would start to say no just out of annoyance? What’s more, if they asked when you were clearly busy, or over worked, or just so tired you couldn’t stand it, how would you feel about them for being so inconsiderate? Why would your daily requests for sex be received any differently? Yes, I know you’re not getting enough, and asking less when you want more seems counter-productive. However, if you think about what I said above, you should see why better targeting your asking could result in more sex and less aggravation for both of you. The key here is to figure out when/why she says no. It may seem completely random, but it is not. The problem is there are a number of factors involved, so it is a difficult formula to decipher. Time of month is huge if she is not pregnant, past menopause, or on hormonal contraceptives. She should be most receptive (if not chasing you) around ovulation, which is 14 days before her next period. The week before that, she is likely to be more receptive than at other times. After she ovulates, she is less receptive. Just before and during menstruation varies from women to woman. Tiredness, from lack of sleep, is probably the next biggest factor. Stress from a long day, and ongoing stress, are also big factors. How well she has connected with you the last 24 to 36 hours is important. Remember, her love language determines how she feels loved and connected. There are plenty of other factors, well beyond what I can list here. Start thinking about it; make notes about the 24 hours before when she says yes, and likewise when she says no. Record as much as possible and you should start to find patterns. Does she always say no on laundry day, or after taking the kids to some specific event? Is she likely to say yes when she gets some quiet time in the evening, or the day after a date with you? Keep playing detective, and you should find the clues needed to learn when asking is a waste of time (and a good way to aggravate her) and when your odds are better. I realise not asking doesn’t help you directly, but if it makes her feel less exhausted about sex, that’s good for both of you. [This post first appeared Nov 24, 2012.] Image Credit: © olly | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post FF: Decoding Her Desire: Stop Shooting Blind first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Some folks worry about what’s average, and if they measure up. Here’s the thing: the average person is overweight and not getting nearly enough exercise. The average Christian is falling short of what Jesus called us to do. The average number of lifetime sexual partners in the US is 10.7. And the average couple is deep in debt, too busy, too stressed, and has a forty percent chance of ending up divorced. Most of what is average is unhealthy, wrong, and possibly sin. If nothing else, average is setting the bar way, way too low. God calls us to be in the world, but not of it. What the world sees as average, acceptable, or even good is irrelevant. God calls us to way more. If your marriage isn’t great or moving that way, it’s not what God wants for you. I say that to challenge you, not shame you. An “okay marriage” is not okay with God. If your marriage isn’t what it should be, what are you going to do about it? Are you willing to put in the effort to be kinder, more generous, and to give more grace? Are you ready to forgive and move on? Are you ready to seek help? We tend to think of getting help as something we do when it’s horrible. The reality is, improving is way easier than fixing. Don’t be average, be extraordinary! Image Credit: © Photo by Ksenia Makagonova on UnsplashShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Beyond Average: God’s Plan for Your Marriage first appeared on The Generous Husband.

The end of this month, I will stop doing The Generous Husband blog, after almost 24 years. I know it’s time, but I’ve still had a hard time letting go and moving on. I made plans for the next thing, but didn’t initially feel much passion for it. Slowly I made peace with the change, grieved, and started to focus on Doing Marriage Well. And as I have done that, have become excited about where I’m going next. TGH hasn’t been static over the years, but it has remained mostly in the box it was created in. And that has limited me. It’s kept me from reaching out to couples as couples. Adding The XY Code allowed me to speak to wives, but it was still not dealing with couples. Doing Marriage Well will be sort of coaching via blog. I think it will be more powerful and will bring about far more positive growth and change. And I would have missed that had I been unwilling to let go and move on. Where in your life, and your marriage, are you missing out on something good because you’ve been unwilling to let go and move on? If you want to join me on my next venture, you can go to Doing Marriage Well and sign up for emails in the upper right corner. Lori is blogging there till the end of the month, but her stuff is well worth your time! Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Midjourney 5.2 Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Letting Go and Moving on… To Something Better! first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Here it comes again, guys, that day known as Valentine’s Day. Dislike it, hate it, or fear it, it’s a fact of life. You can’t run from it, and ignoring it is not a good plan. I know some of you fear you can’t get it right, and some of you know from experience that you can’t. But that doesn’t mean you should do nothing. Make a reasonable loving gesture, because it’s the right and loving thing to do. BTW, expecting sex on V-day when it’s never happened in the past is setting yourself up for disappointment and your marriage for frustration. If you want to be proactive, tell her you think it should be a sex free day. What’s the worst that could happen? Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.aiShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Valentine’s Day: Navigating Love and Expectation first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Recently, my dear wife said to me, “Thank you for thinking about lube and vibrators.” I recall that when I first suggested a “sex toy” she was hesitant. And that’s putting it kindly. I get it, we were taught that good people don’t use such things. We also got the message that using them would somehow hurt your sex life. What made it an even harder sell was we technically didn’t need it. We were having mutually satisfying sex without a vibrator. It sometimes took more effort and time than either of us would like, but we managed. In time, I talked her into trying a small egg vibrator. And it made sex better for both of us. We found it was a tool, and we all know the right tools make anything easier. In the intervening decades, we have recommended various sex tools to a number of folks. The suggestion is usually based on a specific need or struggle. Most have tried what we suggest, and most of those report it was somewhere between helpful and revolutionary. A few specific tools and how they can help: Egg vibrator: A versatile tool that can be used by you on her, her on you, or between your bodies during face to face intercourse. The between your bodies trick allows some women who normally can’t do so to orgasm from intercourse. You can grab one with a corded controller for less than $10. If you like it, I strongly recommend a quality tool with a remote control. If you get hard, but not as hard as you would like, or have difficulty staying hard, a penis ring can make a huge difference. If your length is a problem for her, the Ohnut Bumper is a must have. If she’s not feeling as much as she would like, or is feeling less due to menopause, an enhancement cream can help. If she struggles with doing manual or oral sex on you, a stroker can make it easier for her, and more enjoyable for you. Sex furniture can make sex more comfortable, or help you work around physical limitations. If your wife is likely to be nervous about these things, don’t just buy one and spring it on her. Talk about the specific issue and a tool that could help. Or, if you just want to explore and try to make sex better, ask her to check out Married Dance with you. It’s a safe, no porn, Christian site. Unless she says “We need one of those” I’d suggest you make the first trip exploratory and don’t expect to buy anything. Image Credit: ©Pixel-Shot | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Enhancing Sexual Intimacy: A Pastor Talks “Sex Tools” first appeared on The Generous Husband.

My wife puts up with me. It’s not that I am a horrible person, but I know I can be a challenge. I see life as an adventure looking for a place to happen, and I feel obligated to make room for as much adventure as possible. In addition, I figure if something is worth doing, it’s worth doing to excess. Case in point, last weekend I spent a good deal of time turning sixty pounds of home-grown tomatoes into 7 gallons of tomato purée. This tied up the kitchen for a good while, and I required help from Lori a couple of times. My point here is we’re all complex people, and the “other side” of something we like in our spouse can be something we have to put up with at times. You married her because she was so outgoing, but her always wanting to go out sometimes wearies you. She married you because you had the self-control and money sense she lacked, but she gets upset when you’re “stingy”. She married you because she loved how creative you are, but it comes with a messy side that drives her crazy. Behaviours, personality types, and other preferences have both an upside and a downside. Expecting your wife to remove the “annoying part” while maintaining the part you like is asking something impossible. The best option is to accept the parts you could do without as part of the whole. Focus on the good, and downplay the annoyances. My wife has been greatly enjoying some of the best tomato basil soup ever made. She also says she loves the adventures I get her into, at least most of them. And she is never bored… even if she might like to be on occasion. If the annoying side is destructive, to her, you, or others, or if it just bothers you so much you can’t ignore it, ask her to tone it down some. But understand it’s part of the whole, and not easily limited. [This post first appeared Oct 27, 2012.] Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.aiShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Embracing the Whole Package, Quirks and All first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Change is difficult, and it can be costly. It takes a commitment of time and energy. If you’re not ready to make that commitment, seeking help is a waste of time and money. If you’re too busy to give it the time it will take, that’s also a waste. You also have to be in an emotional space where you can open up and possibly hear difficult things. Not being ready for help is a real thing, and it’s not always because the person is unwilling to change. Seeking help when you’re not ready is a bad idea. It’s making a promise you can’t keep. It will lead to disappointment and could make things worse. If your wife is pushing you to go with her for help, and you know you’re not ready, be honest. Tell her you want to do what it will take to have a better marriage, but at the moment you can’t. If you can tell her why you can’t, that will help. It’s not uncommon for an individual to come for a session or two, and then stop, only to come back months or even years later when they are ready. And that’s just fine. Image Credit: © WavebreakmediaMicro| stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Lessons from Coaching: The Importance of Readiness first appeared on The Generous Husband.

As Lori and I have been doing coaching, the importance of being good-willed has been driven home to me. If both spouses are good-willed, the couple will almost certainly move towards a better marriage with just a bit of help. If either one is not good-willed, the chances of success are very low. Merriam-Webster defines good-willed as a kindly feeling of approval and support. I’d add it means giving the benefit of the doubt. If that’s not the default for both spouses, change will be slow and difficult. If your marriage has real issues, both of you being good-willed probably won’t solve them. But it’s a necessary condition for real healing and change. Image Credit: © alexkich | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Lessons from Coaching: The Power of Good Will in Marriage first appeared on The Generous Husband.

On Mondays, I try to offer something small and simple you can do for your marriage. Small can be big, if you stick to it. And a number of small things you keep doing can, over time, be huge. It’s like the straw that broke the camel’s back, but with a good result. All too often, grand gestures fall short because we can’t or won’t do what it takes to keep doing them. What small thing could you start today that would bless your wife and make her life just a bit better? Image Credit: © healingquotes.coShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Build a Stronger Marriage One Little Thing at a Time first appeared on The Generous Husband.

On Thursday, I talked about taking a holistic approach to marriage. I said we ask coaching couples things well beyond the issue they bring to the table, and that this is especially true when the presented issue is sexual. It’s rare to get a couple with big sexual issues who don’t have non-sexual issues too. The men often think those non-sexual issues are not effecting the sexual issue. And they are almost always wrong. Sex is very much a holistic act. How you feel physically and how well you slept last night are a factor. How your day went and how much stress you’re dealing with makes a difference. And your relationship with the person you hope to have sex with matters. Men, and especially men who are not getting nearly enough sex, are able to function sexually even if all kinds of other things are out of whack. Women are far less able to do that. Not less willing, less able. Because of how God made them. Stress and tiredness make it difficult for her to get aroused and to reach climax. Problems with you can keep her from wanting sex, even if her body is horny. As I said before, these things affect her because of how God made her mind. She can’t change them by force of will. She can force herself to have sex she doesn’t want and won’t enjoy if she thinks she should. Or if she is tired of you dogging her for sex. But doing that too often will push her away from sex even more. I’ve dealt with couples whose sex difficulties are all about sex. But for the vast majority of couples with sex problems, the primary causes have nothing to do with sex. If your sex life is not what you want it to be, I’d love to do a bit of coaching with you. Or Lori with your wife. If you’re both willing to deal with the real issues, things can get better. Image Credit: © Prostock-studio | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Your Marriage’s Sexual Issues May Not Be About Sex first appeared on The Generous Husband.

A comment on a recent poll read, “If only my wife treated me as well as my sinful high school girlfriends so many years ago”. I suspect many men who did more than hold hands with someone before their wife have had similar thoughts. If you got more, or better, when you were single, it’s understandable to think this way. What you need to realise is this is comparing apples to orange juice. What a woman does sexually before marriage has little or nothing to do with drive, desire, preferences, or enjoyment. Even in most Christian circles, some level of sex is required to get repeat dates. In marginally Christian or non-Christian circles, the expectation is greater. Going from dating to a serious relationship means more is expected, and if you want to get married, you better be ready to do just about anything he wants. Try to put yourself into this reality, the reality of many young women in Western cultures: You want companionship, love, and eventually marriage. You like guys, but you don’t have a huge sex drive, and you feel being sexual is questionable if not wrong. If you engage in sex, the guy is usually done before you really get started. At best, they get theirs, and you get nothing. Or even worse, he gets his and leaves you horny. If it were up to you, you would avoid sex at least until you were engaged. However, you find most guys expect sex, and expect more as the relationship continues. You feel your choices are offering sex you do not really want or being alone. Being alone seems a worse fate, so you engage in sex. You don’t want to be doing anything, and you don’t get much pleasure out of what you do, so it doesn’t matter much what you do or how often you do it. It all feels wrong on one level, so how can you say, “I don’t like that” or “I think that is wrong” to anything? Gentlemen, can you grasp this? Can you understand the bad, no-good-choices situation many women experience when single? Can you understand why they say yes when they want to say no? Can you see why they say yes to things they don’t want to do? What they offer is not real; it is just them playing a part. This has two bad results: it creates men who want from their wives what their girlfriends did in sin, and it creates women who neither want nor enjoy sex. When such a man and such a woman marry, it is a given they are going to have sexual problems. If you have expectations created by sinful sex, you really need to repent of the sex and see the expectations created as fruit of the poisoned tree. Expecting your wife to meet those expectations is asking her to pay for your sins. If you’ve been doing this, you need to deal with it, seek her forgiveness, and promise to change. [This post first appeared Oct 27, 2012.] Image Credit: © vchalup | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post FF: Why Can’t She Be The Way My Girlfriends Were? first appeared on The Generous Husband.

As I’ve been thinking about the next iteration of marriage blogging, which will start March 1st, I realised my approach to marriage has become very holistic. When Lori and I coach a couple, we ask about things well beyond the issue they bring to the table. This is especially true when the presented issue is sexual. Every part of your marriage is impacted by every other part. Your marriage is also effected by your job, other relationships, how much sleep you get, and on and on. When we have a problem, we focus on the problem, and what we think is causing it. Even if we have the primary cause right, which is often not the case, there are other factors effecting the situation. Sometimes the solution has nothing to do with the actual issue. Being tired or too busy are examples of this. Other times, the real solution can’t be implemented until something else changes. I encourage you to adopt a more holistic view of your marriage. It can only make things better. Image Credit: © gavran333 | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Holistic Marriage: A Wider Focus is Better first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Unfortunately I feel the opposite, my mask is on at home just to keep the peace. As soon as the door opens my authentic self is gone, and I try not to make waves, stay in the background, etc.. I am more myself in front of friends and people that I know love me unconditionally. Makes for a difficult, but content life. We all give up something. ~ Seen on Quora I got that in reply to my saying my marriage is where I can be myself. The comment made me very sad for the person who shared it. I get why people do this, and I know there are times when it seems the best option available. But when you live a lie in your marriage, your marriage is crippled. Or worse. Your marriage will never get better, and it will shrivel over time. You are setting yourself up for divorce or living as roommates. If you’ve done this for years, changing is going to be difficult, for both of you. But it’s the right thing to do. The best approach is to be honest up front. Tell your wife you have been hiding part of who you are to avoid difficulties. Explain you realise this is bad for you and for your marriage, and you want to change. Ask for grace, and promise to give plenty of the same. Image Credit: © alphaspirit | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Unmasking Your True Self For a Better Marriage first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Today, Lori and I celebrate forty years of marriage. Her comment to me about this yesterday was, “And they said it wouldn’t last”. And I suspect there were more than a few who thought if not said that. Honestly, there was good reason to think that way. She was too recently divorced from a bad marriage. I was unprepared to be the step-father of a six-year-old. And while I did have a decent job, the income was not great for a family of three. Then there were the problems we each had that we’d not dealt with. Including some we didn’t even know we had. The first two years were rough, to put it kindly. We had a lot of problems, and couldn’t find the help we needed from our church. But we had one thing going for us: God. We were both serious about following Jesus, and we knew He would have us deal with our stuff and grow into a great marriage. With His grace and help, that is exactly what happened. What God did for us, He can and will do for you. Man said our marriage was doomed. God said it was not. God was right. Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.aShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post 40 Years Strong: How God Defied the Odds in Our Marriage first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Foreplay matters. It matters a great deal. If you want her to enjoy sex, good foreplay is a must. A well done study found that manual and oral foreplay increased the odds a woman would orgasm. Oral was a bit better, but either will do it. It was found that good foreplay was especially important for low desire women, with oral foreplay more than doubled the chance of them having an orgasm. Beyond foreplay, position matters. When the woman is on top, or the couple used multiple positions during a session of intercourse, two-thirds of women orgasmed. When the man was on top, that dropped to less than half. That’s a significant difference. Image Credit: © Sandor Kacso | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Her Pleasure: The Importance of Foreplay and Position first appeared on The Generous Husband.

Men are straightforward sexually. Our bits are on the outside, they respond dramatically to stimulation, we climax easily, and we usually give good indications by sounds, movements, and words when we are enjoying what is being done. Additionally, men are fairly similar in what we want and enjoy. Yes, there’s some variation, but not a great deal. Women are a completely different story. Their bits are hidden, changes in response to stimulation are small and hard to see, climax can take awhile (by male standards), and feedback is often poor or non-existent. Additionally, there is a huge range of what women like, not only from woman to woman but for the same woman one time to the next. It is enough to drive a man to celibacy! Okay, not really, but it can be frustrating. What follows are various sexual issues. Some of which will apply to your lady, some will not. Most of these have links to other posts if you want more information: Communicate, communicate, communicate. Nothing else will help as much, and nothing else will make up for not communicating. If you’re the one holding back, get over it. If she is, work on it gently. You need to know what she wants, what she thinks, and what she feels sexually. You also need her to tell you what feels good and what doesn’t, when something goes from feeling good to feeling great, and if it goes from feeling good to not so good. Assure her she won’t hurt your feelings. You don’t have lady bits, so you need her to help you learn how to handle them for her best pleasure. Just because she is not feeling “horny” doesn’t mean she is unwilling to have sex. Nor does it mean she won’t enjoy sex if you have sex. For men, sexual desire is spontaneous, but for most women, sexual desire is triggered. Her menstrual cycle affects her sexuality a great deal. You should know where she is in her cycle at all times, and know what it means for her. The pill and other hormonal forms of birth control have been found to cause hormonal changes that significantly reduce sex drive and pleasure in many women. If your wife is using hormones to avoid pregnancy, this may be a part of any sexual problems you are having. Other drugs, especially antidepressants, can also cause problems. Her doctor may be able to help find ways around these issues. Because her genitals are so much more sensitive, she’s far more likely to feel discomfort or pain from sex. If you ignore signs of pain, she may stop complaining, which is not a good way to deal with it. Ask her if she ever has pain, and what you can do to help. (Learn why sex can hurt) She might not want to climax every time. Some women get upset when I say this, while others agree that for them, the “pressure to climax every time” actually puts them off sex. Ask her, and take her at her word. If she has difficulty reaching orgasm, or has never had one, the problem could be between her ears. Fortunately, there are things you can do to help. Her orgasm is not like your orgasm, in a number of ways. Learn how it works for her and you can make it better for her. Lack of sleep is the primary reason women say no to sex. This in turn is usually a result of being too busy. If you want her to desire and enjoy sex, she needs a sane life and plenty of sleep. (Other reasons women say no) Sex toys can make sex easier or better. But talk about it before you buy one. [This post first appeared Oct 23, 2012.] Image Credit: © RealPeopleStudio | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post FF: Understanding Her Sexuality: A Guide to Pleasuring Your Wife first appeared on The Generous Husband.

The other day, I closed my XY Code post by saying I wish on-line Christian marriage coaching had been a thing when Lori and I were newly married. I thought it might be useful for me to ruminate here how that might have gone for us. I used to say that when we got married, our only problems were sexual. Of course, this was not true. Yes, sex was the big issue screaming at us every day, but there were other things that needed work. And I know today that working on some of those would have helped us sexually. A good coach could have revealed those other issues, and convinced me to do some work there, even while sex was still a problem. The other error back then was thinking the sexual issues were all about Lori. She had been both molested and raped, and was struggling because of those things, so her stuff is what we were aware of. But I had sexual stuff too. While I had not looked at porn for years, my sexuality was still poisoned by it. I had issues because of my mother’s attitudes about men and sex, and from the high school girlfriend I messed around with. A good male coach could have shown me those issues and gotten me to work on them. That would have made sex easier, and would have taken some pressure off Lori, making it easier for her to deal with her stuff. I said a male coach because if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t have heard that from a woman. I would have assumed she was taking Lori’s side, or didn’t understand how important sex was to a man. This, BTW is why I am real big on marriage coaching being done by a couple. Everyone is represented, it feels safer, and there is someone who can speak each spouse’s language and hold their feet to the fire when needed. Image Credit: © Prostock-studio | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post How Marriage Coaching Could Have Improved Our Early Years first appeared on The Generous Husband.

From time to time, I see or work with a man on the verge of his wife filing for divorce, who responds by becoming hyper-spiritual. He proclaims that her actions and choices are due to either his wife falling away from the Lord, or demonic activity, or both. In some cases, this is just an escalation of how he has been for a long time. Other times, the man becomes this way when he realises his wife is thinking of getting out. I’m all for being spiritual, but hyper-spirituality is something else. The man starts gossiping about his wife in the name of seeking prayer. He may pray for his wife, but he also judges her. There are two problems. First, these guys never show any grace for their wife. I’m sure they could tell you why her sins mean she doesn’t deserve grace, but that’s just justification. And it violates the message of the gospel. The second problem is these men are so focused on all the things she is doing wrong, they don’t look at what they are doing wrong. And usually when men go down this path, there is a lot of wrong treatment of their wife in their past. They think they have dealt with it and God has forgiven them, so they see it as a non issue. But even if he has changed, expecting his wife to forgive him and turn on a dime is silly. If you see yourself in what I have described, please know your actions are driving your wife away. I’ve never seen this work out for a man, and I’ve seen it end marriages that might have been saved. If you’re not giving grace and forgiveness at every turn, you are not treating your wife as Jesus would have you treat her. Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.aiShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post When Hyper-Spirituality Threatens Your Marriage first appeared on The Generous Husband.

When did you last thank your wife for doing something that’s “her job”? It’s easy to stop being aware of things she does if she does them well. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say. Take a moment to think about the things she does so reliably you’ve stopped thinking about them. Then express some gratitude. Image Credit: © Monkey Business | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Appreciating the Unseen: Rekindling Gratitude first appeared on The Generous Husband.

A few days ago, I suggested you get help for your marriage if you need it. Today, I want to give you the same advice for your sex life. When we were newly married, Lori and I could have used some help in this area. But we couldn’t find anyone with a Christian world view offering such help. Today, that’s no longer the case. If you seek help for sex, you want someone who has a good deal of training. They have to be able to help with things they have never faced themselves. It’s much better to go as a couple, and if you can find a couple who will work with you, that’s ideal. Getting help is about more than mismatched sex drives or something one spouse wants the other won’t do. Maybe there’s something you have never been able to figure out; sex isn’t as intuitive as we think. Or perhaps, some life or body change has messed with how you have always done sex, and you need to talk through things and get some suggestions on workarounds. Or perhaps sex is fine, but boring, and you want some new ways to enjoy each other. Lori and I do sex coaching through Aldrich Ministries. We will work man to man, woman to woman, and couple to couple as needed. Coaching for much of what I’ve described is a few sessions, probably several weeks or months apart. If the problem is stuff from your past, Aldrich has folks who can do story work, which can be a big help. And online coaching means you won’t ever see these folks in real life, which can be nice. Don’t suffer, get help! Image Credit: © Richelle | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Christian Sex Coaching: Finding Help for Sexual Problems first appeared on The Generous Husband.