Shut up a Second

In which our heroes get illuminated, have some great ideas, dance around the street lamps and discuss light bulbs. We discuss the appropriate sound effects for a good or bad idea, which orifice would be the best light source and spend a lot of time talking about Emily Eyefinger. Jackson is mad at Ant-Man for not taking advantage of his situation, special guest Sophie Kneebone goes for broke when describing her childhood terrors and Zammit just wants to channel E.T. at parties. So join the gang as they shed some light on things, accidentally drop things down the sink and have flashes of inspiration. It’ll leave you blinded or at the very least, seeing spots in your line of sight. Want to help Sophie get the chopstick out of her sink? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in unclogging household plumbing.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least two books about sending flashlight SOS signals. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes sway with the wind, get infested with beetles and are turned into wood pulp as they discuss trees. We wonder what a bonsai tastes like, discover why vegetarians won’t eat figs and learn about a tree that has a vendetta against the human race. Jackson forgets sasquatches aren’t a real thing, Zoe reminds us once again how stupid pandas are, and Zammit just wants to know why Marky Mark hates the Vietnamese. So join the gang as they rehash The Happening, eat a fruit they really shouldn’t, get covered in blisters and even though it’s very painful, it’s slightly sweet.Want to help fund our morbidly obese sasquatch documentary? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in bringing awareness to their crippling tree-eating addiction. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixteen books about what to do when triffids attack. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes purr like a cat, hiss like a cat, and meow like a cat as they discuss all things cats! We feel uncomfortable about cat tongues, navigate by the sun and try to work out the story of Puss in Boots. Jackson comes up with great animal names, Duscher is on the squid train and Zoe just can’t bear to live in a world without cats. So join the gang as they cough up a hairball and rub their face on your things. It makes you feel the same emotions that you feel when a cat cuddles up to you and then digs its claws in.Want to help Zoe start a new Cat Appreciation Society? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in getting matching jackets. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least three books about catnip. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes look into a crystal ball and just see a screaming crab-man, select the kicked-in-the-head-by-a-mule tarot card from the deck and have their palms read by a shady gypsy in a caravan as they discuss fate. We put Jesus on the moon, make public services announcements and find ghosts in unlikely places. Jackson teaches us who is the real monster, Tessa becomes a truck racer against her will and Duscher just wants to live his lifelong dream of starting a cult. So join the gang as they try to show that there is no fate except the one we create, kinda. It's your destiny.Want to help change our fate? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in getting more accurate magic 8-balls. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixteen books about defying pre-destination. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get out their markers, poster paper, and make a five year plan to discuss the future. We struggle to spell types of lettuce, throw a house where a horse’s head should be and wake up in the future-past-future. Jackson injects music into himself, Tessa creates a convoluted scenario to be with sharks and Duscher just wants to forever live in space. So join the gang as they travel into the future and give us an insight to what’s ahead. It is bleak. Futuristic sure. But bleak.Want to help science? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in ensuring the people we unfreeze in the future don’t freak out too much. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least eleven books about hover boards. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get distracted by shiny objects, become the animalistic embodiment of ferrying souls of the dead and apply for the job of being Odin’s eyes as they discuss crows. We discuss the origin of Sing a Song of Sixpence, get spooked about the terrifying memory of crows and poorly remember the plot of 1994 classic, The Crow. Jackson loves a fat pigeon, Alli reveals her true size and Emz just wants to illuminate the true terror inherent in each and every crow. So scan the highways for roadkill, grab your two best buddies to form a murder and remember every motherfucker who ever did you wrong. Caw.Want to help crows stop being used for murder? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in keeping crows out of jail. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least thirty-eight books about surviving surprise crows. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes buy gifts Dad clearly doesn’t want, make him veggies for breakfast with an egg and help him with the garden in preparation for the Baly Family Circus Part 2: Father’s Day Special! We get scared of cows and other farmyard animals, try to find out where we can’t get a recreational wheelchair and smell cardboard. Jackson is unhappy with his arms, John tells us about his fridge when he was growing up and Ryder just doesn’t want to watch Freaks and Geeks. So join the gang as they celebrate all things Baly. It’s family bonding at it’s best. Want to help in robot arm technology? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in getting longer arms. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixteen books about the best tie for dad. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes celebrate 100 episodes by going back to their humble beginnings, include Duscher in on their original discussion and drink to 100 more as they discuss puberty… again. We commemorate the fact that nothing’s changed, talk about the horrors of second puberty and compare stretch marks. Jackson wears glasses, Duscher ages like a wet handbag and Zoe hasn’t changed 50 episodes on and wants more dicks than ever before. So join the gang as they look back on how far they’ve come, look to the present at their rapidly failing bodes and look to the future wondering when they’ll inevitably talk about puberty for a third and maybe even fourth time. Want to help teach children about the upcoming changes in their lives? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in cartoon depictions of naked bodies. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixty-eight books about stretch marks. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes build houses using Edison’s famous mould, crumble under pressure and conclude the fan favourite Meat rhyming trilogy with Meat Part III: ‘Crete… as in Concrete. It’s a heavy journey as the gang attempt to seal everything with concrete, plug up their orifices to enable space travel and most importantly discuss the bear code. Jackson shows off his newest sculpture ‘Inside a Cow’, Tessa dreams of a world where nothing floats and Duscher just wants everyone to know how Clay Pigeons work. So join the gang as they weigh up the pros and cons of filling everything in the world with concrete and inevitably put Tessa in jail with ghost cows. It’s a solid, solid time because everything is hard and grey in this fresh hell.Want to help fund a gallery to show off Jackson’s new works? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the art world.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least thirty-eight books about ethically concreting a cow. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes kick off their shoes, throw away their socks and just let it all hang out while discussing Meat Part II: Feet. This week we try to replace feet with animals, judge society’s wealth by the intensity of their forehead bruises and ultimately figure out what's faster; horses or cows? Tessa once again dies against her will, Duscher explores the realities of having one leg slower than the other and Jackson is just being phased out against his will. So join the gang as they ponder Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson's muscles in comparison to grapefruit, send twelve ladies to the Australian outback to ruin their lives and ultimately try to determine the key difference between hands and feet.Want to help fund a horse and cow race? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in us all finally knowing the answer to the age old question.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least seventeen books about which little piggy went to the market. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes grab their swords and boards, don full plate amour and eat an orange as they discuss dragons. We wonder what a Chinese Dragon would taste like, obtain our own hoards from small town folk and Bed, Bath and Beyond, try to work out the difference between a dragon and a wyrm and integrate Muppets as much as possible. Jackson gets angry about intelligent dragons, Zammit gets angry at the lack of idiot dragons and Alli just gets angry. So join the gang as they do almost anything under the sun with dragons bar slay them. It’s a magical adventure to the land of make believe where dragons roam the earth and Matthew McConaughey will save us all.Want to help employment opportunities for dragons? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in integrating dragons into your office. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least ninety-five books about the best type of dragon to guard your dungeon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes find places to hide, brace for impact and ride it out as they discuss earthquakes. We discuss the benefits of government mandated free wizards in disaster relief, wonder why Poseidon has horses in his repertoire of things under his domain and see which movie would be enhanced with a surprise earthquake. Jackson doesn’t think he would survive an earthquake in any situation, Zoe prefers to focus on the moon because earthquakes are too sad and Alli just wants to follow squirrels to safety. So join the gang as they make earth shaking revelations, not just about earthquakes, but about themselves. Although it’s pretty low on the richter scale. Want to help world governments improve their relief packages? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in companion lizards getting the recognition they deserve. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixteen books about animals predicting an earthquake then choosing to do nothing about it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes boil the kettle, brew, infuse and sip on a good ol’ cuppa joe and discuss hot beverages. We question why pineapple doughnuts even came to be, how incompetent the emperors of history are, and how sassy coffee really is. Jackson can’t tell the difference between teas, Duscher gets amped up by people spilling hot coffee on their dicks and Alli just cannot deal with getting betrayed by her hot beverage of choice. So join the gang as they turn hot water into something barely stomachable. It’s perfect with a book on a rainy day, curled up in front of a fireplace until you get up and knock everything over. Now you’re just damp and mildly scolded.Want to help Duscher’s crusade against movie dick burning comedy? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in saving all those burnt wangs. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least seven books about the correct marshmallow to hot chocolate ratio. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes forget to pack sunscreen, drink too much sea water, misspell HELP with pieces of driftwood and discuss desert islands. We try to figure out the best celebrity to hate-share an island with, create a list of island rules and spend a decent chunk of time trying to avoid being killed by the dangerous island tiger. Jackson mourns the fact that his hair is not island strong, Tessa envisions herself as sexy mermaid covered in mud and Marley just wants her Stephen Hawking based guilt to go away. So join the gang as they try not to lose their minds and start talking to a volleyball with a bloodied handprint for a face. It’s a rollicking good time until we run out of food and ponder cannibalism.Want to help us mount a rescue mission? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help us forcibly remove the gang away from their island home.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least fifteen book about how to open a coconut with your bare hands. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes under go a metamorphosis to become even more handsomer, burrow through several layers of dirt, and collect leaf litter to make a tiny house as we discuss bugs. We discuss the beginnings of a serial killer, confuse some bugs with some other bugs, and call out worms for their heart greed. Jackson is a weevil-fanatic, Alli is mad at her cat for not taking care of the bug problem, and James just wants everyone to shut up a second. So join the gang as they shed their exoskeleton, get all creepy and crawly while they arm themselves with a good cricket bat. It’s an experience.Want to help hermit crabs become a common household pet? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in domesticated animals. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least three-hundred and forty-eight books about the differences between bugs and spiders. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get their strings cut, remove the hand from out of their butt, and speak for themselves as we discuss puppets. We end up in a giant man made sock puppet outfit, debate the potential benefit of being a ventriloquist dummy when it comes to walnuts and why certain puppets are just terrifying. Jackson jumps in way too fast and way too quickly, Tessa informs us about a very special Supreme Court appearance by a muppet and special guest Josh just wants to know when a puppet is a puppet and when it’s just a man in a suit. So join the gang on this sunny day, sweepin’ the clouds away as they ask how to get, how to get to Sesame Street.Want to help fund Miss Piggy's and Kermit's marriage counselling? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in their clearly abusive relationship.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixty-one books about fighting a multitude of puppets.And while you’re at it, go give episode 2 of Pit a watch and ask if it could be improved with puppets? Watch it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=144&v=GVfPXdyIiRs and find out for yourself, then tell your friends, they definitely care! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes put on a bloody apron, head to the nearest abattoir and hack up a carcass as they discuss meat. We discuss the titles of our new albums, the employment of skeletons, and all the different kind of things you can sausage. Jackson’s world crumbles around him instantaneously, Tessa once again ends up imprisoned, and Duscher just wants zoning permission to build his beef shithouse. So hop aboard the midnight meat-train, choose your favourite bit of cow, chicken, lamb or goat, chuck in on the barbie and enjoy that sweet sizzle.Want to help Duscher get that zoning permit? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in making that baby boy’s dream become a reality.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least seventeen books about the merit of beef as construction material. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes drink some holy water, eat a clove of garlic and try to stab themselves in the heart as they discuss vampires. We look at the dangers of drinking 80s blood, examine the difference between sheep and vampires, and express our appreciation for Robert Pattison. Jackson wishes he was a caveman vampire, Zoe gets XXX and Blade confused, and Duscher just wants to share his simple method of categorising animals. So join the gang as they try to avoid the sun, work hard to get their vampire brides and get invited into your house. Vampires are clearly a nighttime monster. Want to help the gang track down a real vampire? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in keeping them busy.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least forty-three books about categorising animals, plants and things by the tried and true Joel Duscher nighttime/daytime method. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes put on their scrubs, sharpen their scalpels, try not to gag at the sight of blood and discuss surgery. We tell the story of Face-Off, bond over terrifying experiences of waking up during surgery and inevitably talk far too much about Robocop. Zammit ponders a life-swap with Billy Joel, Zoe finds herself pressured to join the Joel club, despite her dream of being married to Kanye and Duscher just wants to swap faces with Zammit so they can keep their names. So join the gang as they try to use medical science to improve their lives, no matter how little the payoff. It’s bloody, cutting edge and bound to require stitches. Want to help Zoe recreate Face-Off with Kim Kardashian? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the amount of fake tan we can afford.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixty-eight books about faking your way through med school. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get caught in a web, become trapped like flies and struggle to break free as we discuss the terrifying creepy crawly that is spiders. We try to imagine eating spiders, wonder where a goat would expel silk, and sympathise with the people forced to deal with ghost trees. Jackson misremembers something he once heard about frogs, Tessa wonders how thick web really is, and Zoe just wants nothing to do with spiders ever. So look out for decoy spiders, high five your local huntsman, and try not to get bit by a whitetail, after all, the optimal amount of legs is two or four. Not eight. Eight is gross.Want to help spider-proof the studio? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help keep our headphones web-free.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least eleven books about becoming a spiderman. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes are made an offer they can’t refuse, get fitted for their concrete boots and end up sleeping with the fishes as they discuss Crime Part II: The Mafia. We wonder what the correct procedure is for waking up next to a horse’s head, ask if Danny Deckchair has any boob in it and recount the time one of us almost ended up working for the mafia. Tessa wants to know where she can sign up, Jackson surmises that he would get the man who vouched for him instantly murdered, and special guest Brendan McCallum just wants to be a driver. So join the gang as they officially become made men, inevitable have to whack a guy and try their hardest to not rat on each other because snitches get stitches. Want to help hire body guards for Jackson? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help save this man’s life when Sugar Station eventually tracks him down.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least three books about understanding and appreciating Godfather Part III.To see what Brendan looks like and subsequently watch the very first episode of Pit head to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yeIjbBaHzuw and enjoy the free show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes slam a shot of tequila, baste a chicken and make a sour juice all while avoiding scurvy as we discuss lemons, and in turn, lemonade. We discuss terrifying hypotheticals involving replacing body parts with lemons, practice painting our backwards letters for a lemonade stand sign and end up comparing different types of fruits. Jackson stands his ground as a lemon and grapefruit juice enthusiast, Tessa has a limited threshold for citrus outside of tequila shots and Zoe just wants to rage against pandas for being useless and not nearly as useful as a mandarin. So join the gang as they forget to add sugar, get cursed by a gypsy and leave everyone with lemon-mouth. Want to help us start a lemonade stand on Brunswick Street? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the quality of an ice cold beverage on a hot day.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixteen books about enhancing your meringues with lemons.And if you want to help our mate Robert, head to http://www.alexslemonade.org/mypage/1136809 and make him run 243 miles, which we are assuming is a lot, but we honestly have no idea because we use the metric system unlike those savages in the U.S. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes remove their skin, polish their bones, and make their best creaking sounds as we discuss skeletons. We discover the downsides of having no body or connective tissue, attempt to turn ribcages into musical instruments, and question the genuine spookiness of your garden variety skelly. Jackson confuses human anatomy with sport, Marley has the strongest legs of all time and Duscher just wants to find all the coins and frozen peas under the fridge. So join the gang as they delve skull first into the world of blood and bones, hassle the dead, and try and get a handle on that one thing inside all of us. Our skeleton. It’s our skeleton.Want to help tell Hollywood how to improve skeletons? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in making bones spikey. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixteen books about getting rid of the spooky skeleton that resides inside us all. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes go bananas, become the apple of everyone’s eye and get their melons out as we discuss fruit. We learn how strawberries are racist, that Donald Glover is the human embodiment of grapes, the true origin of the word orange and the curious relationship Romans had with tomatoes. Duscher finds a new, exciting use for baby corn, Tessa can’t choose which is the most superior of fruits and Jackson just wants to watch banana crops burn. So join the gang as they get good and juicy and find a world of new possibilities for fruit other than eating. It’s a fruit salad of a good time. Want to help find the missing banana? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference worldwide banana appreciation.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least forty-eight books arguing what a tomato is. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes slither along the ground on their bellies, get milked for anti-venom, swallow mice whole and digest them over the next few days as we discuss snakes. We ask who would win in a fight between a tiger snake, a tiger shark and a tiger tiger, the benefits of using vomit as a defence tactic, and how to screw over a government with snakes. Marley keeps up a healthy hatred of snakes, Tess wants a tail to flirt with and Zammit just wants to wrassle these legless lizards. So join the gang as they coil up in a corner, strike at anything that moves and shed their skin while trying to become a handbag and matching shoes. It’s venomously amusing. Want to help Marley on her mission to educate the world on the true side of snakes? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in making sure no one likes them.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least two books about warming up snakes blood with hugs. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes put on their finest frocks, adjust their sparkly tiaras, wait to be rescued by a dashing prince and discuss the majestic world of princesses. We look at what it takes to be considered a true Disney princess, whether Belle has it better with Prince Adam in man or beast form, and what happens when a princess eventually becomes a queen. Jackson laments the fact that he will most likely never be invited to a ball, Marley contemplates the royal dinner menu and Tessa just wants to channel her own Sleeping Beauty and catch a few z’s. So join the gang as they try to keep both their shoes on, avoid solving their own problems by hiring a butler and try to survive high school while learning to rule a kingdom. It’s a royal engagement you won’t want to miss! Want to help Jackson attend a royal ball? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our baby boy prince’s life!And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least twenty-three books about how to better identify your own handsome prince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get slathered in chocolate, burn their mouths biting into a hot jam donut, and get a brain freeze from eating too much ice-cream as we discuss desserts. We take death by chocolate a little too literal, look into the history of Baby Cop’s Sugar Squad and try to figure out why anyone would build a house made out of gingerbread. Jackson wants to know what the worst dessert related death would be, Tessa is confused by the rules of Chubby Bubby’ and Duscher just wants to know who let Baby Cop into the crime scene in the first place. So join the gang as they bust out the ice-cream scoops, bake some cupcakes and try their hand at jelly moulding. It’s sickly sweet and surprisingly delicious.Want to help us create the pilot of NCIS: Sugar Squad? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in solving dessert related crimes.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least two books about sugar-free desserts. Which is two too many to be honest. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes imitate airborne cattle, consult their weather forecasts, run for cover and discuss the spinning menaces that are tornadoes. We discuss the utterly terrifying firenado, argue about the differences between hurricanes and cyclones, and contemplate the best place to hide when things get a little windy. Zammit wants to avoid danger at all costs, Zoe wants to experience a tornado from the inside and Jackson just wants to know if anyone else has heard of a willy-willy. So join the gang as try their damnedest to keep their feet on the ground. It’s a whirlwind of emotions as we go from scared to downright petrified.Want to help Zoe create a tornado-proof Zorb ball? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in an amateur storm-chaser’s life.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least seven books about ways to pass the time if you’re stuck in a bathroom hiding from high winds. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes don their armour, access the nuclear strike codes, smear black greasepaint all over their faces and prepare to go to war. We examine decapitations of enemies, the motivation to create insect and arachnid destroying shoe-guns and ponder the ideal soundtrack for killing folk. Tessa asks what everyone would declare war on, Marley finds an enemy in her co-host and Zammit just wants the evil reign of pasta to be stopped, disastrous consequences be damned. So join the gang as they align themselves with their various causes, change their minds and try not to blow up the whole studio in the process. It’s chaos and you can bet there will be casualties. Want to help us build a bomb shelter? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the quality of our protective gear.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least six book about tanks, three on bug sprays and surprisingly nice on bug spray tanks. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get rowdy, row a few longboats and then attempt to pillage every town in sight while we discuss vikings. We try to figure out the best way to raze a village, discuss the logistics of a suicide pact to sneak into Valhalla and then inevitably just go back to killing horses. Jackson attempts to cripple himself so he can enjoy non-stop feasts, Tessa re-discovers the long lost Viking proverb; ‘eat, sleep, rave, repeat’ and Marley just wants to have the best hair ever. So join the gang as they attempt to appease the Blood God for their own personal gain and be as metal as humanly possible. Make sure you’re prepared for battle or you too may end up like Ivan the Boneless, you know, lacking your bones and stuff.Want to help Jackson lose both his legs without seeing a single battle? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in him enjoying an eternal feast.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio - there’s probably at least seven books about the benefits of pillaging. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes put batteries in their EVPs, holster their dowsing rods and become drenched in ectoplasm as they discuss ghosts. The team spook themselves as they share their own haunting tales of survival while items in the studio start flying around on their own accord. Joel firmly denies the existence of otherworldly presences, Jackson recounts his encounter with The Ninks Road Ghost Horse and Marley just wants clarification she’s not seeing things. So join the gang as they play with a ouija board and try to make contact with the other side. It’s a mind opening experience of 3D ghosts, spewing spiritualists and shadow birds. You may be lucky enough to be a Witch Survivor too, no promises though.Want to help Sanspants Paranormal Investigators get off the ground? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the high rates of sentient bath slime ravaging your hometown.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least one hundred books about culture specific ghosts and their one weird flaw. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes climb to the top of the wardrobe in search of Lincoln’s headwear of choice, and snap the brims of their baseball caps while we chat about hats. We examine the use of buckets as headgear when working outdoors, which animal would make the best multipurpose hat, and whether or not snapping turtles and cacti are the same thing. Jackson wants to know the real reasons hats were invented, Zoe floats the idea of having a ‘board boy’ on retainer and Tessa just wants revenge on Hitler for ruining Charlie Chaplin’s facial hair. So join the gang as they put on their best bonnets, knit themselves new beanies and battle to create the best updated top hat. It’s going to be a hat-astrophe and we are sorry for that pun. Want to help Zoe create her microwave top hat? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our milliner fees.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio - there’s probably at least thirteen books about the paper hats inside christmas crackers. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes protect their soft shells, carefully scuttle barefoot across the sand, wave our pincers in the air like we just don’t care and discuss crabs. We look into job opportunities available outside of the ocean, the feasibility of crab-type Pokemon in reality and how a crab’s mouth may be a portal to Hell. Jackson imagines what a crab lifestyle would be like in terms of medical care upon sprouting a shell, Tessa relives her childhood trauma of being mauled by a cranky crustacean and Duscher just wants to keep earning strikes by referencing the other type of crabs. So join the gang as they venture under the sea, down where it’s wetter, looking for adventures and trying to avoid allergic reactions. It’s delicious with butter and just a little salt. Want to help Jackson live his dream of being Dr Crabby? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in helping crabs to start their own side businesses.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least twelve books about Human/Mermaid erotica. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes brace for impact, work on their catch phrases, fail to do cool-guy walks away from explosions and discuss cheesy action movies. We look at Whoopi Goldberg’s secret history with dinosaurs cops, the best 80s theme song and why anyone would use a hang-glider as a getaway vehicle. Jackson wants to know why bus drivers in real life never look like Sandra Bullock, Zoe ponders how effective segways would be in a chase sequence and special guest Nick Capper just wants a therapy sheep. So join the gang as they try desperately to reload their weapons in slow motion and refuse to work with anyone but Marlon Brando or the best chimp alternative. It’s loud, filled with cliches and you can bet there’ll be at least one montage.??If you're a local you can see more of Nick Capper at 10.45pm every Thursday, Friday and Saturday of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival at the Portland Hotel or find him @capperflapper on twitter.Want to help us rebuild the studio after that sweet explosion that was completely unnecessary to the plot? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the quality where we record.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least eight autobiographies dealing with highly sought after chimp actors that were inevitably replaced by Marlon Brando. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes put on their protective smocks, channel their inner Bob Ross, forget to rinse their paintbrushes after use and talk about all things art. We discuss the inevitable emo-art-teenage-journal phase, the harsh censorship that comes with self expression and make surprising references to Coldplay. Marley struggles to take the interview questions seriously, Zammit reminisces about the six months he spent in art school and Tessa just wants people to understand her deep angsty emotions. So join the gang as they bust out the glitter paint, give the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel a makeover and play poker with Zammit’s bondage-themed deck of cards. It’s messy, inspiring and more than a little cringeworthy upon further inspection.Want to help Marley and Tessa track down Zammit’s folio? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in a former art student’s life.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least four books entitled The Joy Of Painting. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes order a martini, take a sip, realise that maybe this spy gig really isn’t for them and wonders if anyone is interested in state secrets. We find the endless possibilities of bobby pins, the most unlikely (and unsuccessful) spies and finally acknowledge the superiority of Agent Cody Banks. Jackson admires the resilience of seagulls, Zoe is using tape worms to bring down villains and Aaron just wants to clean his teeth at any given moment. So join the gang as they load up their secret radios and shoe phones as they try and teach a seal to wait tables, but in a spy way. It’s got MI6, the CIA and ASIO re-evaluating their recruiting methods. Want to help replace Jackson’s teeth with lasers? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in spy dentistry. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least four books about James Bond in retirement. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes travel the high seas, walk the plank and wear eye patches to discuss pirates. We embellish on the time honoured tradition of piracy by stealing witches, catapulting tigers, replacing peg legs with elephant feet, piercing ears for health benefits and stealing tea from the British. Zammit tries to work out if whales can be interchange for horses, Marley is getting passionate about Pippi Longstocking and Aaron just wants a giant ass on the front of his pirate ship. So join the gang as they scrub the deck, plunder for loot and blow the man down. Shiver me timbers, it’s a yo ho ho time so please pass the rum. Want to help Zammit add to his pirate menagerie? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the quality of life for tigers and cats dressed up in knitted tiger suits. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least one book about how to speak pirate. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get let off the leash, run around the park some and get in trouble for rolling in something as they discuss dogs. We sigh in sadness as dogs break up the Beatles, cower in fear at a dog-run Russia, and ponder the effectiveness of corgis as weapons. Jackson has his taxes done by a rhinoceros, Tess owns the saddest penguin companions and Duscher just wishes his cheetah would stop asking about technology. It's a tail wagging, tongue lolling, flea-filled, fourth dog activity themed adventure, as two old dogs and one new dog refuse to learn new tricks and deliberately forget about some of their old ones.Want to help put our assortment of animals through puppy school? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our cheetahs not mauling everybody to death. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably about six books on dogs. We guess. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes revisit the wondrous world of the animal kingdom by playing god and creating their own dream creatures that seemingly sit on the fence between adorable and terrifying. We discover how close monkeys are to driving cars and buying snacks, uncover some of the secret skills of farm animal and find a foolproof of getting rid of foxes. EJ has an emotional connection to Finding Nemo, Alli bases her expertise on the mysteries of the sea by her childhood drawings and Marley just wants know who the biggest jerk of the animal kingdom is. So join the gang as they get in touch with their animal instincts. It’s far from purr-fect. Want to help discover who is the biggest jerk of the animal world once and for all? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in this ever changing mystery. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably more tangible evidence on animals there. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes give up on finding Duscher a valentine, notice how long it's been since we recorded anything, and leap into the studio to bust out something before the big day. We discuss EJ's inability to refer to her own genitals, Saint Valentine healing a jailer’s daughter, and a pie company called dicks. EJ can't stand some of the Care Bears, Zoe intends to spend the day throwing things at happy people, and Duscher just wishes he wasn't so attracted to bitches in glasses. So go out and desperately buy a cassette, record this episode onto a mix tape, and ruin another perfectly good Valentine’s Day. You’re welcome.Want to help EJ buy a matching hat for her boyfriend pillow this valentine’s day? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in her sad, lonely life. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s still probably a book or two about love and maybe some on the importance of solitude. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes are still taking a break from recording, still spending a small amount of time with our loved ones, so we’re re-releasing our 2014 Valentines Day Special. Duscher still hasn’t found himself a new lady and/or man for the big day and the clock is ticking! We discuss yeast infections, whether or not ties are dicks and what is the most ideal Valentine’s Day experience. Jackson just can’t handle dog genitals, Marley is a bit iffy about Monkeys, and EJ can't explain chia pets to save her life. So pick up the last remaining wilted flowers from the 24 hour florist that we inexplicably have in this country, re-wrap that box of half-eaten chocolates and realise that this was still a bad idea and you still have no clue what romance is.Want to help EJ buy a fetching scarf to match that sweater vest for her boyfriend pillow this valentine’s day? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in her sad, lonely life. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s still probably a book or two about love and maybe some on the importance of solitude. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes take a break from recording, spend a small amount of time with some loved ones and re-release our 2013 Valentines Day Special in an attempt to buy Duscher enough time to find himself a new lady and/or man for the big day. We discuss our worst valentines, make our opinion known on the issue of friendzoning, and decide the ideal amount of pubic hair. Jackson uses the phrase 'Kid Cancer', Zammit doesn't understand the point of roses, and EJ tries valiantly to defend herself. So gather up your significant other, curl up in front of the fireplace, and realise all too suddenly that this was a bad idea and you have no clue of what romance is.Want to help EJ buy a sweet sweater vest for her boyfriend pillow this valentine’s day? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in her sad, lonely life. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably a book or two about love and maybe some on the importance of solitude. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes find a zone of immunity where they can conspire to their hearts content, have our in-house lawyer Charles on speed dial as we plan all sorts of crime. From inconspicuously stealing a bridge to straight up murdering a guy, we expand our criminal MO by taking pointers from failed crimes and crimes most foul. Jackson decides that universal animal nap time could help him with his poaching, Zoe is shaking up the art world by replacing priceless art works with pictures of herself, and Duscher just wants to fight crime by committing crime with RoboCop. So join the gang as they enjoy diplomatic immunity. It’s barely legal.Want to help pay for our legal retainer? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in ensuring Charles can keep sending his kids to private school. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s sure to be a Law and Order-esc crime novel to keep you guessing until you find out it was the butler the whole time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes honour our favourite 18th Century Earl by getting yelled at for constantly smearing greasy meat stains all over their clothes, playing-cards and other people and so come up with a genius idea; the humble sandwich. We explore the what exactly makes a sandwich a sandwich, play the Sandwich Name Game all the youths keep talking about and delve further into the Earl of Sandwich’s life than we’ve ever gone before. Jackson reveals his secret bidet shame, Duscher regales us all with the sad tale of Keanu and the non-eaten sandwich and Alli just believes some sandwiches are better underwater. So join the gang as they bite off more than they can chew and try to catch their cheetah sandwich. We promise to not leave you hungry for more.Want to help us keep our meats from getting greasy? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can keep our fingers dry whilst we play cards.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least six book about John Montagu. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes are hoarded by dragons, pilfered by tomb raiders and plundered by pirates as they go looking for treasure. We discuss the reliabilities of old gypsies, our concerns with baboon wrestling, and the griffon epidemic of World War II. Jackson tries to explain the theft of Russia's Amber Room, Tessa dies far too easily in the jungle and Duscher just wants to forge some of Hitler's art. So join the gang as they explore a temple after trekking through a dense jungle to steal a cursed idol only to be inevitably betrayed by an array of lackeys. Not all that glitters is gold, but some of it might be.To help us on our treasure hunting expedition head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference to our non-treasure filled lives.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least four books about treasure. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes pulse like a quasar, suck like a black hole and explode like a dying sun as they discuss space. We try and decipher the best way to go into space, shed light on the thing wheel and worship the humble dung beetle. Jackson gets caught in orbit, Zoe misunderstands some fundamental things about space and Duscher just wants everyone to know how awesome astronauts are. So hold your breath because we didn't supply you with a helmet as you join the gang in space but die anyway because it's the pressure that kills you. It’s a faster than light space adventure as we choof off into the night sky and become one with the universe.To help Duscher’s lifelong aspiration of becoming an astronaut a reality head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference to his little boy dreams. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes jingle bells, deck halls, and ride in Santa’s sleigh tonight as we bring you our 2014 Sanspants Christmas Special. In this episode we look at the still mystifying nature of eggnog, the medical benefits of beetles, and the excitement of getting new pants. Jackson is too smug about ghosts, Zoe leads the chorus in a Sanspants christmas carol, and Duscher just wants to wear his pants however he sees fit. So join the gang as they sing off key, play a humble game of eggnoggin’ and revisit the magicless past of Duscher. It’s a boiling hot, seafood filled, Tim Allen inspired holiday special, and you've got to wonder if we'll ever really get eggnog. Merry Christmas.To help us buy presents for each other and our loved ones head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference to our Christmas cheer levels. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes keep taking a break from recording, eat a whole Christmas ham, and re-release our 2013 Christmas Special in a vain effort to buy us more ham-time. In this episode we completely forget everything we learned about eggnog last Christmas, gift-shame, and explore the terror of pets as gifts. Jackson comes up with the greatest Christmas tradition, Marley reveals the dog-eat-dog nature of her family Christmas, Zammit doesn't understand childhood wonder, and Duscher just wants to comprehend Frosty the Snowman. Join the gang as they receive a gift of nuts, describe their perfect milkshakes, and kill animals in fear. Merry Christmas.To help us buy larger, and more extravagant hams head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference in our jolly lives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get out of the studio, spend time with our friends and family and hastily re-release our 2012 Christmas Special to keep you jerks happy and to buy us some time. In this episode we try to make our own eggnog, discover the secret that makes every family gathering tolerable and go over coping strategies for Mall Santas. Jackson really wants to see some Christmas lights and eat dip, Zammit speaks ill of the dead and wants to be left alone and Duscher just isn’t even there. Join the gang as they try to retell an old Christmas fable, argue that Bigfoot has more to do with Christmas than Christ and discover the harrowing connection of human sacrifice to December 25th. Merry Christmas. ??To help us buy presents for our loved ones head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference in our Christmas lives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get cast away, cannot sleep in Seattle, and try to save Private Ryan whilst discussing Tom Hanks. We talk Jennifer Grey's nose, silent restaurants, and Jackson and Duscher's six year romantic relationship. Jackson reveals Tom Hank's dad's name, Zoe defends Tom Hank's typewriter collection, and Duscher just wishes someone would explain ownership of property to him. So join the gang as they discuss all things relating to Tom Hanks with a focus on Tim Allen. It’s a Big, Cloud Atlas Apollo 13, and it's not over till The Da Vinci Code, Forest Gump Philadelphia. T.Hanks for listening.To help us buy Tom Hanks head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference in our Tom Hankless lives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.