Shut up a Second

In which our heroes wake up, look in the pantry, realise they’re standing before a live audience and discuss breakfast. We discuss the importance of keeping regular, the dangers of eating a meal at the wrong time, and try to get to the bottom of the Breakfast Club. Zoe gets her eating habits discussed, Jackson commits himself to an eternity of ham, and Duscher just wants everyone to know how he feels about bacon. It's a randomly chosen live extravaganza and also the most important meal of the day.Want to help us do another live show? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help us come to your town!And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least two books about the logistics of brunching at a jewellery store.Live in Australia and want hand delivered food? Head over to https://www.hellofresh.com.au use coupon code SHUTUP40 on check out and receive $40 off your first order! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes accept donations from dubious corporations for future political favour, hire the best campaign manager money can buy and go to the polls to discuss Presidents. We come up with fool proof long cons, replace the president with ourselves, and attempt to take Antarctica’s ice. Jackson becomes the president to commit crimes, Zammit needs to stick to the kitchen and Tess loses herself in a megaladon fuelled rampage. So join the gang as they tackle the public eye scandal with pre-approved one liners and almost commit a felony. It’s not for you, but for your country.Want to help get the Studio Horse elected? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in making the most majestic creature rule us all. Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.aufor more information and to book your ticket now!Live in Australia and want hand delivered food? Head over to https://www.hellofresh.com.au use coupon code SHUTUP40 on check out and receive $40 off your first order! Offer valid until February 2016.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least five books about presidential ties throughout time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get equilateral, isosceles, and also scalene as they discuss triangles. We sort out how new age toasters work, teach school kids maths, and find triangles in the room. Jackson wants to be buried in a pyramid, Zoe thinks that triangles are the least useful shape and Duscher is just grateful that he wasn’t around when wooly mammoths were around. So join the gang as they triangulate the position of a triathlon in it's third trimester and get lost forever in the Bermuda Triangle. Triangles! What a time!Want to help with Jackson’s burial requests? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in making him a mummy.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now!Live in Australia and want hand delivered food? Head over to https://www.hellofresh.com.au use coupon code SHUTUP40 on check out and receive $40 off your first order! Offer valid until February 2016.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least two books about alternative ways to measure angles. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes hang from the rafters, navigate by sonar and feast on bugs and insects as they discuss bats. We consider the differences between bats and flying foxes, venture briefly into the creepiness of balloons, and eventually get back on the bat-track. Jackson has spontaneous bats erupting from his nipples, Duscher recalls experiencing instant karma while committing a crime and special guest Claire Sullivan just wants to figure out an appropriate term for masturbation. So join the gang as they hang out upside down and use echolocation to search for moths and other small invertebrates. Or sometimes frogs. Sometimes blood too. Depends on the bat.Want to help Duscher get revenge on the bat that shat on him? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our ability to get a lawyer who specializes in bat-based crimes.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least thirty-two books about coping with suddenly sprouting bats from your person.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes dig a whole, set up camp and try to avoid letting the rain in their underground home as they discuss burrowers… or burrows. No one really knows. We hide bodies into taxidermy animals, fill burrows with objects and work out what vignettes are. Jackson struggles to list things that burrows, Zoe is disappointed in the current parody title trend of using a triple X as a suffix and Alli just wants to watch the last Harry Potter movie in peace. So join the gang as they go in blind just to see would happen. It’ll make you want to live in a burrow and never come out. But do avoid badgers, they have a taste for dwarf-flesh now.Want to help Zoe make it as a parody director? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in top quality skin flicks.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least twenty-two books about badger blood lust.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes spread their wings, take to the skies, and head south for winter as they discuss birds… Again. We replace our faces with beaks, question if we can eat roosters and attempt to name as many birds as possible to disappointing results. Jackson carries everything around in his gross mouth, Dave Warneke ups the entertainment value of Australian politics with a spoon bill and Duscher just wants everyone to realize the the truth behind bird heads. So join the gang as they attempt to figure out if there are any birds left. The answer is no. No there is not. We did it guys, got 'em all. Good job team. Who’s the Bird Kings? That’s right. Us.Still want to help make our bird-man-dreams a reality? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our bird-man lives.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably still at least eight books about taking to the air and leaving it all behind.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get invited to a masquerade ball, attempt to conceal their faces and end up in the thrall of Loki as they discuss masks. We discuss which superhero has the worst mask, how to last minute MacGyver a mask using items only found in your car and the shocking connection between William Shatner and Mike Myers (the horror villain, not that plucky Canadian comedian). Aaron doesn’t believe mask-doctors exists, Alli shows off her encyclopaedic knowledge of Sailor Moon and Duscher just wants to list things. So join the gang as they’re escorted from the party and end up easily identifiable in a police line-up because they all choose to hide their identity poorly. It’s a sad state of affairs with no one covering their face.Want to help Aaron with his GPS mask? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month; you can help make a difference in getting better directions to the refreshments table. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least six hundred and sixteen books about masks for up and coming vigilantes.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes spread their wings, take to the skies, and head south for winter as they discuss birds. We upset our Adelaide fans, have vivid man-dreams and attempt to pin down the abilities of a flamingo. Jackson discovers that this podcast can be used against him in the court of law, Dave Warneke teaches us how to fly in your dreams and Duscher just needs to recall a machete. So join the gang as they free their pets only to watch them get carried away by eagles. Nature. It’s a magical thing involving circles, life and a bird named Jeffrey having a shit one.Want to help make our bird-man-dreams a reality? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our bird-man lives.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least eight books about taking to the air and leaving it all behind.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes wonder why it’s so dark, flick switches and illuminate the room so we can discuss lamps. We try to work out if whales have bad breath, attempt to get way more sleep than humanly needed and think the astro-globe is much cooler. Jackson has an existential crisis as he realises that he's never been in a cave, Jarrod talks about his experiences with frogs and Zoe just needs to recall a bat. So join the gang as they try once and for all to discover how many idiots it takes to change a lightbulb because the answer is clearly more than three. It’s enlightening and we're still not sure why.Want to help bring back the lava lamp? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in nostalgic old aunts remembering their youth. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least twenty-one books about the history of lampshades.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes stock up on lives, grab as many health potions as they can and use a cheat code to unlock all vehicles and unlimited ammo as we discuss video games. We create video games out of mundane household tasks, make a cashier simulator and check our knees. Jackson sees how naked you can get in almost every game he plays, Zammit squashes his girlfriend’s hand and Duscher just can’t choose a favourite gaming franchise. So join the gang as they grind and grind and eventually level up. It’s-a-me! Mario! Not really, it’s Sanspants Radio, we are sorry for misleading you.Want to help the fair distribution of save points? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in making sure you don’t have to re-do that stupid section after dying. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least three-hundred and two books about the evolution of the controller.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes run their greasy hands through special guest Matt Harvey’s luscious red locks, break out the scissors, hair dye and the trimmer before giving up and heading down to the salon to talk about all things hair. We shape Hitler’s army into the fashionable chaps they were destined to be, ensure cancer patients never get given wigs, wonder which place is the worst to grow hair and try to give our homes a haircut. Jackson wants wigs to make a comeback, Zoe finds hair in the strangest place of all and Matt just wants you to know why gingers are basically superheroes. So join the gang as they slick back their hair, apply gel, give up and just use a hat to hide their mistake.To find out more about Matt Harvey go to mattharveystuff.com and check out his new podcast Just For Funny available on iTunes or wherever you get podcasts.Want to help make the bush a thing again? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a comeback for the eyelash of the genital.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixty-eight books about finding out the mystery of the hair drawer.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes dress up in costumes, get permission from their parents to go out trick or treating and eat stale chocolate as they talk about ghouls for the Shut Up It's Halloween Special. We waste wishes on chips and dip, give wet Dobby a lift and worry about Johnson B. Ghoul's existential well being. Jackson asks which 1970's genie show is better, Duscher wants to donate his body to ghouls instead of science and Zoe just wants to learn how to eat yogurt without chewing. So lock your doors and join the gang as they work out just what the hell a ghoul is. The answer may surprise you but one thing’s for sure, you will be disappointed.Want Duscher to speak in his ghoul voice forever? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month you can help us get a shaman to curse him.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least thirteen books about the true definition of a ghoul.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes fill her up with premium 98, put the pedal to the metal, and instantly get a parking fine as we discuss automobiles. We make wheels out of fruit, learn about the greatest inventor who ever lived and discover just how jelly really works. Jackson sets unexplainable alarms, Zoe has never had banana chips and Duscher just wants to use coal to power a car. So join the gang as they dramatically drive off a cliff. Let's burn rubber! But in a safe way, where we don't inhale toxic fumes and in fact are full of vitamins and stuff.Want to help find out who would win in a Sanspants edition of Wacky Races? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in Muttley’s antics.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least seventy-two books about the better mileage on electric cars.Want to come see just how handsome we really are? Well now’s your chance as we’re doing another live show on the 10th of December. Just head to https://sanspantslive.eventbrite.com.au for more information and to book your ticket now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes listen out for the conductors whistle, check the nearest timetable, and make sure they have their boarding pass ready as they discuss trains. We deliver instruments in the worst way possible, learn a little about whale dicks, and cast our doubts on the real scariness of trains. Jackson is not convinced by the benefits of locomotives, Duscher has a train inception thing going on and Zoe just wants to talk about horses. So join the gang as they chug along to their destination. It might not be the quickest way, but by golly they'll get there.Want to help get those trains on schedule? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradioand for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in train efficiency. Not really. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least fifty-five books about how to get to the North Pole on only a train. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get on stage, improvise the starting song and giggle with the crowd while we discuss Australia LIVE! We give animals peanut butter, get the Skippy Bush Kangaroo cast drunk and work out where Lassie is from. Jackson has a backup hypothetical, Zoe slaps a saddle on a crocodile, Tessa tries to take over and Duscher is just worried about Zoe’s loved ones. So join the gang as they continue to talk about the land down under in front of a live studio audience. It’s a bloody good time.Want to listen to us talk in front of a live studio audience more? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in future Sanspants Live Shows.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least fourteen books about Australian animals. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes put their tray tables up, their seats in an upright position, and stow their luggage beneath their seats as they discuss planes. We try to work out if we can replace our genitals with aircraft, do bad German accents, and discover the history of Fanta. Jackson make children’s playgrounds more dangerous, Zoe takes naps in all the movies she mentions and Duscher just wants to talk SkyDancers. So join the gang as they taxi down the runway and take off. We'll be arriving in about forty minutes, so please enjoy the flight and remember to put all your electronic devices in airplane mode.Want to help the plane entertainment systems? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in getting everyone to watch the same movie again! And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least thirty-one books about sexy pilot fantasies. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get illuminated, have some great ideas, dance around the street lamps and discuss light bulbs. We discuss the appropriate sound effects for a good or bad idea, which orifice would be the best light source and spend a lot of time talking about Emily Eyefinger. Jackson is mad at Ant-Man for not taking advantage of his situation, special guest Sophie Kneebone goes for broke when describing her childhood terrors and Zammit just wants to channel E.T. at parties. So join the gang as they shed some light on things, accidentally drop things down the sink and have flashes of inspiration. It’ll leave you blinded or at the very least, seeing spots in your line of sight. Want to help Sophie get the chopstick out of her sink? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in unclogging household plumbing.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least two books about sending flashlight SOS signals. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes sway with the wind, get infested with beetles and are turned into wood pulp as they discuss trees. We wonder what a bonsai tastes like, discover why vegetarians won’t eat figs and learn about a tree that has a vendetta against the human race. Jackson forgets sasquatches aren’t a real thing, Zoe reminds us once again how stupid pandas are, and Zammit just wants to know why Marky Mark hates the Vietnamese. So join the gang as they rehash The Happening, eat a fruit they really shouldn’t, get covered in blisters and even though it’s very painful, it’s slightly sweet.Want to help fund our morbidly obese sasquatch documentary? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in bringing awareness to their crippling tree-eating addiction. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixteen books about what to do when triffids attack. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes purr like a cat, hiss like a cat, and meow like a cat as they discuss all things cats! We feel uncomfortable about cat tongues, navigate by the sun and try to work out the story of Puss in Boots. Jackson comes up with great animal names, Duscher is on the squid train and Zoe just can’t bear to live in a world without cats. So join the gang as they cough up a hairball and rub their face on your things. It makes you feel the same emotions that you feel when a cat cuddles up to you and then digs its claws in.Want to help Zoe start a new Cat Appreciation Society? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in getting matching jackets. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least three books about catnip. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes look into a crystal ball and just see a screaming crab-man, select the kicked-in-the-head-by-a-mule tarot card from the deck and have their palms read by a shady gypsy in a caravan as they discuss fate. We put Jesus on the moon, make public services announcements and find ghosts in unlikely places. Jackson teaches us who is the real monster, Tessa becomes a truck racer against her will and Duscher just wants to live his lifelong dream of starting a cult. So join the gang as they try to show that there is no fate except the one we create, kinda. It's your destiny.Want to help change our fate? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in getting more accurate magic 8-balls. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixteen books about defying pre-destination. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get out their markers, poster paper, and make a five year plan to discuss the future. We struggle to spell types of lettuce, throw a house where a horse’s head should be and wake up in the future-past-future. Jackson injects music into himself, Tessa creates a convoluted scenario to be with sharks and Duscher just wants to forever live in space. So join the gang as they travel into the future and give us an insight to what’s ahead. It is bleak. Futuristic sure. But bleak.Want to help science? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in ensuring the people we unfreeze in the future don’t freak out too much. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least eleven books about hover boards. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get distracted by shiny objects, become the animalistic embodiment of ferrying souls of the dead and apply for the job of being Odin’s eyes as they discuss crows. We discuss the origin of Sing a Song of Sixpence, get spooked about the terrifying memory of crows and poorly remember the plot of 1994 classic, The Crow. Jackson loves a fat pigeon, Alli reveals her true size and Emz just wants to illuminate the true terror inherent in each and every crow. So scan the highways for roadkill, grab your two best buddies to form a murder and remember every motherfucker who ever did you wrong. Caw.Want to help crows stop being used for murder? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in keeping crows out of jail. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least thirty-eight books about surviving surprise crows. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes buy gifts Dad clearly doesn’t want, make him veggies for breakfast with an egg and help him with the garden in preparation for the Baly Family Circus Part 2: Father’s Day Special! We get scared of cows and other farmyard animals, try to find out where we can’t get a recreational wheelchair and smell cardboard. Jackson is unhappy with his arms, John tells us about his fridge when he was growing up and Ryder just doesn’t want to watch Freaks and Geeks. So join the gang as they celebrate all things Baly. It’s family bonding at it’s best. Want to help in robot arm technology? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in getting longer arms. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixteen books about the best tie for dad. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes celebrate 100 episodes by going back to their humble beginnings, include Duscher in on their original discussion and drink to 100 more as they discuss puberty… again. We commemorate the fact that nothing’s changed, talk about the horrors of second puberty and compare stretch marks. Jackson wears glasses, Duscher ages like a wet handbag and Zoe hasn’t changed 50 episodes on and wants more dicks than ever before. So join the gang as they look back on how far they’ve come, look to the present at their rapidly failing bodes and look to the future wondering when they’ll inevitably talk about puberty for a third and maybe even fourth time. Want to help teach children about the upcoming changes in their lives? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in cartoon depictions of naked bodies. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixty-eight books about stretch marks. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes build houses using Edison’s famous mould, crumble under pressure and conclude the fan favourite Meat rhyming trilogy with Meat Part III: ‘Crete… as in Concrete. It’s a heavy journey as the gang attempt to seal everything with concrete, plug up their orifices to enable space travel and most importantly discuss the bear code. Jackson shows off his newest sculpture ‘Inside a Cow’, Tessa dreams of a world where nothing floats and Duscher just wants everyone to know how Clay Pigeons work. So join the gang as they weigh up the pros and cons of filling everything in the world with concrete and inevitably put Tessa in jail with ghost cows. It’s a solid, solid time because everything is hard and grey in this fresh hell.Want to help fund a gallery to show off Jackson’s new works? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the art world.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least thirty-eight books about ethically concreting a cow. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes kick off their shoes, throw away their socks and just let it all hang out while discussing Meat Part II: Feet. This week we try to replace feet with animals, judge society’s wealth by the intensity of their forehead bruises and ultimately figure out what's faster; horses or cows? Tessa once again dies against her will, Duscher explores the realities of having one leg slower than the other and Jackson is just being phased out against his will. So join the gang as they ponder Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson's muscles in comparison to grapefruit, send twelve ladies to the Australian outback to ruin their lives and ultimately try to determine the key difference between hands and feet.Want to help fund a horse and cow race? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in us all finally knowing the answer to the age old question.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least seventeen books about which little piggy went to the market. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes grab their swords and boards, don full plate amour and eat an orange as they discuss dragons. We wonder what a Chinese Dragon would taste like, obtain our own hoards from small town folk and Bed, Bath and Beyond, try to work out the difference between a dragon and a wyrm and integrate Muppets as much as possible. Jackson gets angry about intelligent dragons, Zammit gets angry at the lack of idiot dragons and Alli just gets angry. So join the gang as they do almost anything under the sun with dragons bar slay them. It’s a magical adventure to the land of make believe where dragons roam the earth and Matthew McConaughey will save us all.Want to help employment opportunities for dragons? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in integrating dragons into your office. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least ninety-five books about the best type of dragon to guard your dungeon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes find places to hide, brace for impact and ride it out as they discuss earthquakes. We discuss the benefits of government mandated free wizards in disaster relief, wonder why Poseidon has horses in his repertoire of things under his domain and see which movie would be enhanced with a surprise earthquake. Jackson doesn’t think he would survive an earthquake in any situation, Zoe prefers to focus on the moon because earthquakes are too sad and Alli just wants to follow squirrels to safety. So join the gang as they make earth shaking revelations, not just about earthquakes, but about themselves. Although it’s pretty low on the richter scale. Want to help world governments improve their relief packages? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in companion lizards getting the recognition they deserve. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixteen books about animals predicting an earthquake then choosing to do nothing about it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes boil the kettle, brew, infuse and sip on a good ol’ cuppa joe and discuss hot beverages. We question why pineapple doughnuts even came to be, how incompetent the emperors of history are, and how sassy coffee really is. Jackson can’t tell the difference between teas, Duscher gets amped up by people spilling hot coffee on their dicks and Alli just cannot deal with getting betrayed by her hot beverage of choice. So join the gang as they turn hot water into something barely stomachable. It’s perfect with a book on a rainy day, curled up in front of a fireplace until you get up and knock everything over. Now you’re just damp and mildly scolded.Want to help Duscher’s crusade against movie dick burning comedy? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in saving all those burnt wangs. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least seven books about the correct marshmallow to hot chocolate ratio. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes forget to pack sunscreen, drink too much sea water, misspell HELP with pieces of driftwood and discuss desert islands. We try to figure out the best celebrity to hate-share an island with, create a list of island rules and spend a decent chunk of time trying to avoid being killed by the dangerous island tiger. Jackson mourns the fact that his hair is not island strong, Tessa envisions herself as sexy mermaid covered in mud and Marley just wants her Stephen Hawking based guilt to go away. So join the gang as they try not to lose their minds and start talking to a volleyball with a bloodied handprint for a face. It’s a rollicking good time until we run out of food and ponder cannibalism.Want to help us mount a rescue mission? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help us forcibly remove the gang away from their island home.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least fifteen book about how to open a coconut with your bare hands. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes under go a metamorphosis to become even more handsomer, burrow through several layers of dirt, and collect leaf litter to make a tiny house as we discuss bugs. We discuss the beginnings of a serial killer, confuse some bugs with some other bugs, and call out worms for their heart greed. Jackson is a weevil-fanatic, Alli is mad at her cat for not taking care of the bug problem, and James just wants everyone to shut up a second. So join the gang as they shed their exoskeleton, get all creepy and crawly while they arm themselves with a good cricket bat. It’s an experience.Want to help hermit crabs become a common household pet? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in domesticated animals. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least three-hundred and forty-eight books about the differences between bugs and spiders. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get their strings cut, remove the hand from out of their butt, and speak for themselves as we discuss puppets. We end up in a giant man made sock puppet outfit, debate the potential benefit of being a ventriloquist dummy when it comes to walnuts and why certain puppets are just terrifying. Jackson jumps in way too fast and way too quickly, Tessa informs us about a very special Supreme Court appearance by a muppet and special guest Josh just wants to know when a puppet is a puppet and when it’s just a man in a suit. So join the gang on this sunny day, sweepin’ the clouds away as they ask how to get, how to get to Sesame Street.Want to help fund Miss Piggy's and Kermit's marriage counselling? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in their clearly abusive relationship.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixty-one books about fighting a multitude of puppets.And while you’re at it, go give episode 2 of Pit a watch and ask if it could be improved with puppets? Watch it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=144&v=GVfPXdyIiRs and find out for yourself, then tell your friends, they definitely care! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes put on a bloody apron, head to the nearest abattoir and hack up a carcass as they discuss meat. We discuss the titles of our new albums, the employment of skeletons, and all the different kind of things you can sausage. Jackson’s world crumbles around him instantaneously, Tessa once again ends up imprisoned, and Duscher just wants zoning permission to build his beef shithouse. So hop aboard the midnight meat-train, choose your favourite bit of cow, chicken, lamb or goat, chuck in on the barbie and enjoy that sweet sizzle.Want to help Duscher get that zoning permit? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in making that baby boy’s dream become a reality.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least seventeen books about the merit of beef as construction material. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes drink some holy water, eat a clove of garlic and try to stab themselves in the heart as they discuss vampires. We look at the dangers of drinking 80s blood, examine the difference between sheep and vampires, and express our appreciation for Robert Pattison. Jackson wishes he was a caveman vampire, Zoe gets XXX and Blade confused, and Duscher just wants to share his simple method of categorising animals. So join the gang as they try to avoid the sun, work hard to get their vampire brides and get invited into your house. Vampires are clearly a nighttime monster. Want to help the gang track down a real vampire? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in keeping them busy.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least forty-three books about categorising animals, plants and things by the tried and true Joel Duscher nighttime/daytime method. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes put on their scrubs, sharpen their scalpels, try not to gag at the sight of blood and discuss surgery. We tell the story of Face-Off, bond over terrifying experiences of waking up during surgery and inevitably talk far too much about Robocop. Zammit ponders a life-swap with Billy Joel, Zoe finds herself pressured to join the Joel club, despite her dream of being married to Kanye and Duscher just wants to swap faces with Zammit so they can keep their names. So join the gang as they try to use medical science to improve their lives, no matter how little the payoff. It’s bloody, cutting edge and bound to require stitches. Want to help Zoe recreate Face-Off with Kim Kardashian? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the amount of fake tan we can afford.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixty-eight books about faking your way through med school. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get caught in a web, become trapped like flies and struggle to break free as we discuss the terrifying creepy crawly that is spiders. We try to imagine eating spiders, wonder where a goat would expel silk, and sympathise with the people forced to deal with ghost trees. Jackson misremembers something he once heard about frogs, Tessa wonders how thick web really is, and Zoe just wants nothing to do with spiders ever. So look out for decoy spiders, high five your local huntsman, and try not to get bit by a whitetail, after all, the optimal amount of legs is two or four. Not eight. Eight is gross.Want to help spider-proof the studio? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help keep our headphones web-free.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least eleven books about becoming a spiderman. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes are made an offer they can’t refuse, get fitted for their concrete boots and end up sleeping with the fishes as they discuss Crime Part II: The Mafia. We wonder what the correct procedure is for waking up next to a horse’s head, ask if Danny Deckchair has any boob in it and recount the time one of us almost ended up working for the mafia. Tessa wants to know where she can sign up, Jackson surmises that he would get the man who vouched for him instantly murdered, and special guest Brendan McCallum just wants to be a driver. So join the gang as they officially become made men, inevitable have to whack a guy and try their hardest to not rat on each other because snitches get stitches. Want to help hire body guards for Jackson? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help save this man’s life when Sugar Station eventually tracks him down.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least three books about understanding and appreciating Godfather Part III.To see what Brendan looks like and subsequently watch the very first episode of Pit head to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yeIjbBaHzuw and enjoy the free show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes slam a shot of tequila, baste a chicken and make a sour juice all while avoiding scurvy as we discuss lemons, and in turn, lemonade. We discuss terrifying hypotheticals involving replacing body parts with lemons, practice painting our backwards letters for a lemonade stand sign and end up comparing different types of fruits. Jackson stands his ground as a lemon and grapefruit juice enthusiast, Tessa has a limited threshold for citrus outside of tequila shots and Zoe just wants to rage against pandas for being useless and not nearly as useful as a mandarin. So join the gang as they forget to add sugar, get cursed by a gypsy and leave everyone with lemon-mouth. Want to help us start a lemonade stand on Brunswick Street? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the quality of an ice cold beverage on a hot day.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixteen books about enhancing your meringues with lemons.And if you want to help our mate Robert, head to http://www.alexslemonade.org/mypage/1136809 and make him run 243 miles, which we are assuming is a lot, but we honestly have no idea because we use the metric system unlike those savages in the U.S. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes remove their skin, polish their bones, and make their best creaking sounds as we discuss skeletons. We discover the downsides of having no body or connective tissue, attempt to turn ribcages into musical instruments, and question the genuine spookiness of your garden variety skelly. Jackson confuses human anatomy with sport, Marley has the strongest legs of all time and Duscher just wants to find all the coins and frozen peas under the fridge. So join the gang as they delve skull first into the world of blood and bones, hassle the dead, and try and get a handle on that one thing inside all of us. Our skeleton. It’s our skeleton.Want to help tell Hollywood how to improve skeletons? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in making bones spikey. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixteen books about getting rid of the spooky skeleton that resides inside us all. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes go bananas, become the apple of everyone’s eye and get their melons out as we discuss fruit. We learn how strawberries are racist, that Donald Glover is the human embodiment of grapes, the true origin of the word orange and the curious relationship Romans had with tomatoes. Duscher finds a new, exciting use for baby corn, Tessa can’t choose which is the most superior of fruits and Jackson just wants to watch banana crops burn. So join the gang as they get good and juicy and find a world of new possibilities for fruit other than eating. It’s a fruit salad of a good time. Want to help find the missing banana? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference worldwide banana appreciation.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least forty-eight books arguing what a tomato is. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes slither along the ground on their bellies, get milked for anti-venom, swallow mice whole and digest them over the next few days as we discuss snakes. We ask who would win in a fight between a tiger snake, a tiger shark and a tiger tiger, the benefits of using vomit as a defence tactic, and how to screw over a government with snakes. Marley keeps up a healthy hatred of snakes, Tess wants a tail to flirt with and Zammit just wants to wrassle these legless lizards. So join the gang as they coil up in a corner, strike at anything that moves and shed their skin while trying to become a handbag and matching shoes. It’s venomously amusing. Want to help Marley on her mission to educate the world on the true side of snakes? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in making sure no one likes them.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least two books about warming up snakes blood with hugs. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes put on their finest frocks, adjust their sparkly tiaras, wait to be rescued by a dashing prince and discuss the majestic world of princesses. We look at what it takes to be considered a true Disney princess, whether Belle has it better with Prince Adam in man or beast form, and what happens when a princess eventually becomes a queen. Jackson laments the fact that he will most likely never be invited to a ball, Marley contemplates the royal dinner menu and Tessa just wants to channel her own Sleeping Beauty and catch a few z’s. So join the gang as they try to keep both their shoes on, avoid solving their own problems by hiring a butler and try to survive high school while learning to rule a kingdom. It’s a royal engagement you won’t want to miss! Want to help Jackson attend a royal ball? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our baby boy prince’s life!And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least twenty-three books about how to better identify your own handsome prince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get slathered in chocolate, burn their mouths biting into a hot jam donut, and get a brain freeze from eating too much ice-cream as we discuss desserts. We take death by chocolate a little too literal, look into the history of Baby Cop’s Sugar Squad and try to figure out why anyone would build a house made out of gingerbread. Jackson wants to know what the worst dessert related death would be, Tessa is confused by the rules of Chubby Bubby’ and Duscher just wants to know who let Baby Cop into the crime scene in the first place. So join the gang as they bust out the ice-cream scoops, bake some cupcakes and try their hand at jelly moulding. It’s sickly sweet and surprisingly delicious.Want to help us create the pilot of NCIS: Sugar Squad? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in solving dessert related crimes.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least two books about sugar-free desserts. Which is two too many to be honest. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes imitate airborne cattle, consult their weather forecasts, run for cover and discuss the spinning menaces that are tornadoes. We discuss the utterly terrifying firenado, argue about the differences between hurricanes and cyclones, and contemplate the best place to hide when things get a little windy. Zammit wants to avoid danger at all costs, Zoe wants to experience a tornado from the inside and Jackson just wants to know if anyone else has heard of a willy-willy. So join the gang as try their damnedest to keep their feet on the ground. It’s a whirlwind of emotions as we go from scared to downright petrified.Want to help Zoe create a tornado-proof Zorb ball? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in an amateur storm-chaser’s life.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least seven books about ways to pass the time if you’re stuck in a bathroom hiding from high winds. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes don their armour, access the nuclear strike codes, smear black greasepaint all over their faces and prepare to go to war. We examine decapitations of enemies, the motivation to create insect and arachnid destroying shoe-guns and ponder the ideal soundtrack for killing folk. Tessa asks what everyone would declare war on, Marley finds an enemy in her co-host and Zammit just wants the evil reign of pasta to be stopped, disastrous consequences be damned. So join the gang as they align themselves with their various causes, change their minds and try not to blow up the whole studio in the process. It’s chaos and you can bet there will be casualties. Want to help us build a bomb shelter? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the quality of our protective gear.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least six book about tanks, three on bug sprays and surprisingly nice on bug spray tanks. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes get rowdy, row a few longboats and then attempt to pillage every town in sight while we discuss vikings. We try to figure out the best way to raze a village, discuss the logistics of a suicide pact to sneak into Valhalla and then inevitably just go back to killing horses. Jackson attempts to cripple himself so he can enjoy non-stop feasts, Tessa re-discovers the long lost Viking proverb; ‘eat, sleep, rave, repeat’ and Marley just wants to have the best hair ever. So join the gang as they attempt to appease the Blood God for their own personal gain and be as metal as humanly possible. Make sure you’re prepared for battle or you too may end up like Ivan the Boneless, you know, lacking your bones and stuff.Want to help Jackson lose both his legs without seeing a single battle? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in him enjoying an eternal feast.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio - there’s probably at least seven books about the benefits of pillaging. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes put batteries in their EVPs, holster their dowsing rods and become drenched in ectoplasm as they discuss ghosts. The team spook themselves as they share their own haunting tales of survival while items in the studio start flying around on their own accord. Joel firmly denies the existence of otherworldly presences, Jackson recounts his encounter with The Ninks Road Ghost Horse and Marley just wants clarification she’s not seeing things. So join the gang as they play with a ouija board and try to make contact with the other side. It’s a mind opening experience of 3D ghosts, spewing spiritualists and shadow birds. You may be lucky enough to be a Witch Survivor too, no promises though.Want to help Sanspants Paranormal Investigators get off the ground? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the high rates of sentient bath slime ravaging your hometown.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least one hundred books about culture specific ghosts and their one weird flaw. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes climb to the top of the wardrobe in search of Lincoln’s headwear of choice, and snap the brims of their baseball caps while we chat about hats. We examine the use of buckets as headgear when working outdoors, which animal would make the best multipurpose hat, and whether or not snapping turtles and cacti are the same thing. Jackson wants to know the real reasons hats were invented, Zoe floats the idea of having a ‘board boy’ on retainer and Tessa just wants revenge on Hitler for ruining Charlie Chaplin’s facial hair. So join the gang as they put on their best bonnets, knit themselves new beanies and battle to create the best updated top hat. It’s going to be a hat-astrophe and we are sorry for that pun. Want to help Zoe create her microwave top hat? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our milliner fees.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio - there’s probably at least thirteen books about the paper hats inside christmas crackers. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes protect their soft shells, carefully scuttle barefoot across the sand, wave our pincers in the air like we just don’t care and discuss crabs. We look into job opportunities available outside of the ocean, the feasibility of crab-type Pokemon in reality and how a crab’s mouth may be a portal to Hell. Jackson imagines what a crab lifestyle would be like in terms of medical care upon sprouting a shell, Tessa relives her childhood trauma of being mauled by a cranky crustacean and Duscher just wants to keep earning strikes by referencing the other type of crabs. So join the gang as they venture under the sea, down where it’s wetter, looking for adventures and trying to avoid allergic reactions. It’s delicious with butter and just a little salt. Want to help Jackson live his dream of being Dr Crabby? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in helping crabs to start their own side businesses.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least twelve books about Human/Mermaid erotica. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In which our heroes brace for impact, work on their catch phrases, fail to do cool-guy walks away from explosions and discuss cheesy action movies. We look at Whoopi Goldberg’s secret history with dinosaurs cops, the best 80s theme song and why anyone would use a hang-glider as a getaway vehicle. Jackson wants to know why bus drivers in real life never look like Sandra Bullock, Zoe ponders how effective segways would be in a chase sequence and special guest Nick Capper just wants a therapy sheep. So join the gang as they try desperately to reload their weapons in slow motion and refuse to work with anyone but Marlon Brando or the best chimp alternative. It’s loud, filled with cliches and you can bet there’ll be at least one montage.??If you're a local you can see more of Nick Capper at 10.45pm every Thursday, Friday and Saturday of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival at the Portland Hotel or find him @capperflapper on twitter.Want to help us rebuild the studio after that sweet explosion that was completely unnecessary to the plot? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the quality where we record.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least eight autobiographies dealing with highly sought after chimp actors that were inevitably replaced by Marlon Brando. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.