Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium

From farm hand to right hand man to the emperor to the emperor himself. Daia'a story should be a grand one of rags to riches. We suppose it is, but Jack never started persecuting entire religions after buying his magic beans (just one giant) - that kind of puts a dampener on the feel-good story. But maybe Daia has merely fallen foul of bias sources? maybe those IKEA-style torture instructions are fake, maybe he didn't drive Diocletian to suicide, maybe he was a good egg. In fact, he most definitely was! he was great! we love him! AAGGH, we've looked into his eyes too long! save us!

This week the son of mighty Maximian is under the microscope. Does Maxentius live up to his father? or even go beyond? He is not invited to the Tetrachic Party and he is not happy. Find out how the simple garden pea can masterfully be deployed as a metaphor for the pursuit for power. Also: We say goodbye to the Praetorian Guard, so we look back and decide on the best Praetorian Prefect.

Severus II. If you liked Severus, that will probably have no bearing on your opinion of Severus II. He was given the chance to rule by the current emperor; all he had to do was defeated the last emperor using the last emperors army against him… hmmm. anyone spot the flaw? Also: this week we look into the Edict of Maximum Prices! can Rob convince Jamie that this is interesting? find out!

The 4th of the original Tetrarchs and perhaps the most controversial. Was he a genocidal maniac, hellbent on eradicating monotheism? Or did he simple want to teach the christians some discipline? Galerius himself has questions: Was his father a snake? What do the Arminians keep under their armour? Where is Valerian nowadays? And why do the Christians not want to stop being Christian? After all, he is killing a lot of them, surely they should be more co-operative?

"Well done Constantius! You are Caesar! You now rule all the land from here to... well, you see that island over there? Yes? The one held by the enemy, that's the one, yes, well, that's now yours! well done! Off you go to rule..." See how Constantius tackles the might of the roaring English Channel and the screaming Frankish pirates. Can he defeat the first British Empire? Find out in this week's Totalus Rankium!

Diocletian, Diocletian, Diocletian... That's all anyone wants to talk about. But his colleague Maximian has a lot to offer! Or at least he thinks he does. He is one of Rome's longest rulers, so what did he actually do? Find out: How he lost a Provence with a badly worded note! how he attempted to invade using wardrobes! How he spent his peaceful retirement! And much much more!

"Crisis? What Crisis?" these words may have brought down a labour govenment in the 1970s*, but when Diocletian uttered them in in the 280s everyone saw it as a challenge chaos that had prevaled for the last 50 years. Let's face it, it's time someone rolled up their sleves and sorted this mess out... *apologies for the semi-obscure 70s UK politics reference.

The end of the Crisis is here! Does Carinus usher in a new golden age? Or is he the last of the dregs that have to be hosed down the drain pipe before Rome can get on its feet again? You can probably guess by the length of the episode! But who knows? Maybe he has that certain Je Na Caesar?

Murder! Death! Intrigue! ok, Numerian's rule was no more interesting than you last drive across the country, but with added eye pain, but his death is a murder mystery that would make Columbo stop and ask just one more thing. So, who killed him? The evil Aper, or the diabolical Diocles?

Carus may well have done some shocking things; electrified the people of Rome with his lightning speed and thunderous voice. He may have seen the storm clouds brewing over Persia and decided it was time to show some Shock and Awe. He may have bolted out of Antioch and with javelins and forks ready to strike. But unfortunately, we don't know. Our sources have dried up a bit... But at least we know how he died! (sort of).

The empire is looking much better, but do not be fooled! Land Pirates stalk the..er..land, U2 have taken over the fleet and usurpers are in every corner. The East is lost! The West is Lost! Will Probus get them back? Will he in fact get them back before even finishing the letter informing him of the loss? Will he figure out where all his cows keep going? Find out in this week's episode of Totalus Rankium!

Let's be honest, there is not much to say about Florianus. But this is the perfect opportunity to look back at the series so far with out half-season review! Also: Half season quiz! who will come out on top?

Aurelian is dead! Who can fill his shoes? Who wants to fill his shoes? Anyone? Anyone at all? You! You there! With the frown, you can be emperor! Tacitus doesn't want the job - he is old and wants to look after his glassware collection. But he has no choice, time to step up and led Rome out of the Crisis...

One day, a simple farmer looked around at the devastation of his homeland. He turned to his son and talked wistfully about the Good Old Days. When finishing this heart wrenching tale, the old man died. The son's heart filled with rage - his father's life had been one of misery. Who to blame? Everyone! what to do? Become Emperor and take over the world!* Join us as we see how Aurelian's life faired after this. What was his pet snake called? Why should you never open the door during a coup? Did we remember all the Barbarians? Whose elephant is this? Find out answers to all of this and more! *This story is in no way true. Probably. I mean, who knows? maybe it did happen.

Sorry? Who? Oh, look! Aurelian's coming!

Claudius II: This time it's hyped up! Find out wht the Historia Augusta claims that this man was the best emperor in the history of Rome bar Constantine himself. Find out how he fought barbarians and... other stuff. That he must have done. I mean, he is obviously great, the Historia Augusta told us so... so he must be. Yep.

His father is captured, his sons are in the care of men who would rather see him dead and the empire is close to being split in twane-plus-one (thrane?). What gallienus needs is a plan, a lot of courage, determination, an adjective to describe thirds and a 'Trusted General'. He has most of these, unfortuantly Roger the messenger keeps interupting all the bloody time!

So here we are, hitting rock bottom. Valerian seemed to not want to wield too much power, but now he does, he is not going to sit back and do nothing while the empire falls around him. He is going to teach that pesky Shapur a lesson! With his mighty (cough) army, (cough cough) he will go east (cough) and... why does everyone look so ill? Oh dear.

Aemilanus staged a coup. It was to be the defining moment of his life, from then on, his entire life was about fighting for the empire. Day after day he would work at keeping the purple. He fully believed in his men and their ability to take on the Rhine legions under the command of Valerian. It's a shame no one else believed it...

What can we say about Gallus? Seriously. What can we say about Gallus. If you can let us know we would be grateful. "He wasn't an awful human being," is possibly the highest praise even his mother could have given him. No wonder the world is in crisis... at least he has his trustworthy friend Valarian to help him...

This week...Hostilain! And that is about all you need to know about him because if we summarise anymore, we will end telling his whole, sorry, short story. Also this week: The Plague! Smallpox (possibly) is afoot! Ever wanted to know the history of this virus? Well you are in luck, for this week we look at the history of the Pox(small).

Decius. He took the empire by force, but did he want to? Either way, he is in charge now and he needs to sort out all these problems. Rome is being ravaged by famine, plague, war and death (and the lesser known horseman - economic problems). But fear not! Decius has a plan that will turn everything around... maybe.

Philip. Big Phil to his friends. We are getting knees-deep into the Crisis now and we are looking for a stong leader to pull us out of the quagmire. Will Philip be that man? Not only does he need to turn around huge political, social and economic forces, he also has a party to prepare: Rome is 1000 years old! Hoorah! Let's go and check the budget for the celebrations....

Gordian III, The Return of the Gordians. Can this young boy of an emperor live up to the glories of Gordian I and II? It's a lot of resposibility: he would have to, for starters, last longer than three weeks; go onto not dying in his first battle or killing himself in his wardrobe. Also: Find out how a furious man named Tim saved the empire for the guitar wielding king of kings, Sharpur.

Pupienus. He has a silly name, a long beard and a plan to defeat the mighty Thrax. But will that he enough for the harsh eyes of history to rank him as one of the best? Find out in this episode of Totalus Rankium!

The Gordians are dead! Who will stand up to the might of the giant Thrax? Well, not Balbinus, but he'll look after Rome as others go off to stand up to Thrax. Find out how much the citizens of Rome loved his rule... well, those that really, really enjoy an outdoor BBQ anyway.

Gordian II. The Gordians Strike Back. And die. Horribly. Not much can be said about Gordian II apart from the fact that he is the shortest riegning emperor. He also liked to read, often to all those young ladies that were hanging around all the time... Find out how his ragtag band of merry men faired agaisnt the might of the Empire.

Here we are at last! The Mighty Gordian I. The name that resonates around the world. He was the ruler of Rome for longer than you have been reading this synopsis and changed the course of, if not history, then at least his own life. Battles were fought, revolts led and blood shed (not that he was there). If you dont know about Gordian I, it's time you found out!

One day, a lonely boy was born with massive hands. And massive feet. And a massive head. And... well, you get the point. When the emperor passed through this boys village, little did he know that he was about to start the adventure of a lifetime! Rome's first peasent, giant emperor! His enemies would quake and his friends, well, they would quake too. It's time to show Johnny Allimanni a taste of Roman Steel! (as long as we can get through this damn swamp...)

What do you do when your pushy mother and 40,000 armed men say you should be emperor? Well, you do what Alexander did. he was only 13, and faced with an empire on the brink of disaster. Can he righten the sinking ship? Can he pull the Empire from the edge of a crisis?... no. But he can certainly die trying!

Bassianus to his mother, Antoninus to the troops (sort of), 'The Assyrian' behind his back and Elagabalus to history. This is one emperor who has made a name (or several) for himself. But who is the man (boy) behind the myth? Did he kill boys? (Probably not) Did he throw cattle at people? (maybe not) Did he invent the Whoopie Cushion? (Yes). What we do know is that the senate hated him. And they have the quills...

He did what he had to do to survive... he killed an emperor. Good news: he got away with it! Bad news: he is now emperor. And there is an angry Parthian king wanting to know about this little invasion thing that happened a few weeks ago. And the family of the last emperor is not too pleased. And nor is the senate. Oh well, time to roll up those sleeves and tell the army that they are having a pay cut...

Can the empire survive now that it down to just one emperor? Will it cope? Well, it should be fine as long as the man in charge in hard working - check; dedicated to the troops - check; looks to keep the empire protected - check; and doesn't massacre entire cities at the drop of a hat due to one person mentioning his brother... ah. Maybe Caracalla isn't the best man for the job... But he does have a fetching floor-length cloak with a hood that he can stand around looking evil in - that is that.

Severus is dead, and he leaves behind two sons to rule the empire. One problem... The brothers despise each other. We mean really, really hate each other. This is no only-talk-at-christmas-to-keep-mother-happy kind of fall out, this is full-on let's-hire-guards-to-watch-me-sleep-as-I-dont-think-i'll-wake-up-otherwise kind of hate. Let's see how they get on trying to run an empire...

In the year that held 5 possible emperors, only one would come out on top! Who would was anyone's guess... Well, sort of... No one expected Julianus to last. And Pertinax obviously was upsetting too many Praetorians. Oh, and Albinus clearly was not in a strong enough position without the backing of the German legions. And as for Niger, well he just needed to get a bloody move on! But still, the empire was up for grabs and one man saw a way to take it, re-mould it and hand it to the next generation with pride...

The emperor is dead! Long live...erm... anyone want the job? Didius Julianus is persuaded by his family and a couple of so-called friends to have a stab at the top job. Now everyone wants a stab at him. Poor Julianus. If only one of his 48 plans to survive actually worked...

Hurrah! The mad man is dead! now it is time to usher in a new Golden Age! An age of reason and understanding, with no corruption and where everyone works to help fulfil the potential might of the empire. These were the thoughts of Pertinax when he took the helm of the empire, unfortunately for him, it turns out that quite a lot of people like corruption in the empire. It means you can do things like get rich at other people's expense. Hopefully Pertinax has a good speech up his sleeve to convince these people that the honest path is the right path...

Marcus is dead, and now his son is in charge. That's right: Tin-hat wearing, Bat-poo crazy Commodus. How bad can this be?

Marcus Aurelius. He had a tough life what with everyone in the world dying around him. All he wanted to do was curl up with a good book, but fate had other things in store for him. Those things included him freezing in a tent surrounded by angry barbarians. Poor Marcus. But if there is one thing that Marcus knows how to do well, it’s DEALING WITH IT.

Hadrian wanted Marcus to rule. Antoninus Pius wanted Marcus to rule. The senate wanted Marcus to rule. Marcus wanted to read his books so asked his little brother for some help. Fortunately for the empire, Marcus' brother was Lucius Verus; a man who had great qualities such as loving drink, gambling, chariot racing and beating people up in taverns... oh... hang on... That's not a good sign is it?

Antonius Pius ws well known for doing just about nothing for 23 years. Great for his subjects, less good for historians who want a juicy story. However, we dive into his life to see if there was anything of interest in his life. Find out: All bout the mythical talking dogs! How a bunch of students changed the course of history! Who build that ditch in Scotland! and much more! ALSO - special bonus review of the film Gladiator at the end of the episode recorded when we should possibly have put down the drink and gone to bed.

The third of the Five Good Emperors, Hadrian is one of the most well known of all the emperors. Mainly due to a wall be probably never thought of again after ordering its construction. But what else does Hadrian have to offer? Was he all good? Why did he start a religion? Why did he grow a beard? Why was he angry when his doctor killed himself? So he built a wall. And he had a beard. But does he have... it?

Long ago, a wise man said that the boundaries of the empire should remain static, that it was at it's largest extent. So wise was this man that his name became synonymous with the title of the Emperor. Augustus said it was so, so it was... Until Trajan thought - nah. Let's go and invade some people! Find out hoe Brian Blessed faired against the might of the Empire, How to kill someone with a polite horse and who discovered the tomato!

The Senate finally get one of their men in! At long last the emperor is on the side of the group of old men in sheets rather than angry men with pointy things... nothing can go wrong... surely? Also find out about: The easiest siege in history! The worst Forum in history! The best detective agency in history! And much much more...

The Flies! The Flies! Domitian had a number of problems growing up, mainly the fact that his family kept dying or ignoring him. He was the son to the most powerful man in the world, so why wasn’t ever allowed to do anything? It was just so unfair! Then, thanks to the untimely death of his brother he suddenly found him self in charge of the whole empire! The world was his! If only those pesky flies would stop bothering him…

Vespasian is dead... Who could replace him? The Nero-esque son? surly not! Not with the mountains exploding and the cities burning and the plague plaguing. Will Titus be able to cope? find out in this weeks episode...

Father Flav. Founder of the Flavian Dynasty. He sat on the sides watching Rome rip itself apart and scooped in at the end to pick up the pieces. Does this make him a hero or a coward? Learn how he won a triumph T-shirt, how he could heal the blind by spitting on them and how he started train stations charging to go to the toilet...

The Roman world is in crisis. It needs a strong leader, someone to steady the ship, to allow people to retain their hope for the future... That man is on his way! Until he gets here however, we have this week's Emperor to get through. It's Vitellius. Liked by his troops if no one else, he was a man who knew how to party. He was a good friend of both Caligula and Nero... this is possibly all you need to know to guess how well his reign went.

Otho! He was a man with a dream, a simple dream... a dream to become the most powerful man in the world! Did he succeed? Or did a combination of sailors, traffic jams, moody guards and incompetent generals let him down? find out in this week's episode of Roman Emperors: Totals Rankium!

Strict. If you were to choose one adjective from the multitude of adjectives available, strict would be the one that you would use (knowing full well that Gala would appreciate the subjunctive form). So what if he is the first of four emperors in 69CE? So what that he doesn't last long? Who cares if he is clearly a public school headmaster from 1950's England in disguise? All that needs to be answered is, does he have a certain Je Na Caesar? (and why, oh why, did he not just pay the bloody Praetorian Guard a damn bonus?)