Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium

Isaac is here! He couped his way to the top, and he has plans. Hopefully camping next to Mount Outrageous Damage with Ethel the Pecheneg doesn’t slow him down…

We are back! After having a break to talk about the slave revolts of the Republic, we are back ranking all the emperors. Apparently things start going downhill after the Macedonian Dynasty - so let’s see if that is true. If Michael VI is anything to go by, oh, it is true.

We were very lucky this week to be joined by the amazing Partial Historians! They are experts in the field, and this field has a tree, and under this tree is a man named Spartacus! Find out about the man, the myth and how he has been used throughout history. Plus, a fabulous return of our ever popular, regular feature: 'How Well Do You Know Your Co-Host?'!

In our first ever interview episode (for the Roman series) we are lucky enough to have a chat with John and Andy from Saga Thing! Ever wondered what those Northern Barbarian were thinking about the empire? Well, find out! Also, we test John and Andy on how well they know each other. Who is the ultimate Saga Thing host? Find that out also!

Schedule update with the Battle of Zama thrown in as a bonus for you lovely people.

We have covered her uncle, her father, her sister and three of her brother-in-laws, so now it it time to get Theodora's side of the story. She is the least known about of all of them so we do what we can to unravel her life story!

When The Ship Smearer came to an untimely end, someone needed to step in. Zoe and Theodora did, but many in The Powerful felt they lacked a certain appendage that made them qualify. So an old flame of Zoe was found to rule the empire. Constantine Monomachos? Why not? How bad can he be?

We have covered a lot of her life, but now we get to dive in and see what life was like from her perspective. Just who was Zoe? And how did she survive the reign of 5.5 emperors? And exactly just how many hotty-bits-on-the-side called Constantine did she have?

Michael V may be the son of Steve the Ship Smearer, but that does not mean he can't become a great emperor! No! His lack of understanding the public mood does!

So Romanos is dead, and John has a plan. As does Zoe. It's a simple plan: put John's little brother and hotty-bit-on-the-side-of-Zoe Michael on the throne! What's the worst that can happen?

Constantine is about to die, and he needs an heir. Who better than Romanos? Who? The Urban Prefect? Yeah, he'll do. Likes to read doesn't he? Yeah... He'll do...

Just a little update to let you all know how we are and what our plans are.

How can you follow Basil II? Well, we suggest not like this. Constantine VIII loved to drink and gamble and wrestle and make his 'special' sauce. But running an empire currently enjoying a golden age? Nah...

We get to arguably the last big name of the series, and its a good one: Basil II the Bulgar Slayer. Jamie has doubts, but can Basil II impress him? Join us on this journey involving intrigue, civil war, one-on-one duels, Mace-eye, and a small appearance from a guest podcast!

Basil II is still a pup and Nikephoros is dead. Who can take charge of the empire? How about the man who literally just beat the last one close to death before cutting his head off to be sure? He'll do. Hopefully he is a decent chap. Oh, and the Russians are coming!

Nikephoros II knows how to do two things: love God and to shove swords in people until they are dead. The sources greatly differ to as what kind of ruler he was. So what was he? A monster who fell in love? A man falling his duty when he wants to follow God? A man who simply loves a good battle? Find out!

Romanos II. What to say about Romanos II? Well, according to the sources, not much because there is a general out there called Nikephoros and he is doing all sorts of exciting things. So join us while we find out about this general and occasionally mention the emperor!

He was gently couped when he was young, something that does no growing lad any good. But now he is surrounded by a step-family who are only keeping him alive out of convenience, can Constantine do anything about his situation?

So, he wasn't going to get an episode - but you guys insisted. So you have no one to blame but yourselves.

Zoe is out of action, now Romanos just needs to deal with the Partriach Nicholas, the general Leo Phocas, the Bulgar King Symeon, the many uprisings, the Caliphate, the famine, the vikings - VIKINGS!? Yep, those too. Romanos does not have it easy, but how does he do?

Zoe of the coal-black eyes. She is not always listed as an emperor, but we are including her as she undoubtably ruled in her own right for a few years. However - these were not good years... There is an angry Patriach plotting revenge, a scored general plotting a coup, another general plotting a coup, oh, and a third general plotting a coup. Things are about to get quite coupy.

Here he is! The one you have been waiting for! it's Alexan- who? Oh, sorry. No one has ever been waiting for Alexander II. But here is an episode on him anyway!

Leo the Wise has Daddy issues. Mainly, he does not know if his daddy is the man who hates him, or the man who the man who hates him murdered. He is not treated well my his supposed father, but when a tragic hunting accident propels Leo to the throne... well, it's time for a bit of payback.

There were many prophecies that foretold of Basil's rise, unfortunately no one believed them. But then he managed to make friends with a drunk emperor and the world suddenly seemed so much full of opportunity.

He is young, he is in love, and he is very drunk. His uncle keeps banging on about something to do with the patriach and the pope. He is fairly certain some vikings were around not too long ago, or was that his mistress? Hmmm. It’s all a bit of a blur. It’s a good thing good-old Basil is here to help him out…

Theodora has an opportunity: her Iconoclast husband is dead, her son, the emperor is 2 years old. Here she is, a female regent in a world that does not accept female regents. So why not attempt to change the religious doctrine that has been followed for years? Wha't the worst that can happen?

Audio apology: The first 8 mins has a slight crackle in it. Jeff was in charge of sound this week. Sorry. The son of Micael II, the Godson of Leo V, Theophilos has a vision for the empire, and it is not what his parent's generation necessarily wanted. He was going to be a wise ruler, taking lessons from the mighty Al-Rashid - the wise and benevolent ruler of a caliphate entering a golden age. He would rule just as Al-Rashid did and - what's that? Al-Rashid's son is invading? Oh. Damn.

The Story of Leo, Michael and Thomas comes to end in this exciting episode of Totalus Rankium. Was the prophecy of the monk-in-a-cave-up-a-pole correct? How did Thomas die? Was it horribly? Horribly, horribly? And just how important is Crete and Sicily anyway?

Leo, Michael and Thomas are three friends that share a prophesy - Leo and Michel will rule and Thomas will die horribly - horribly horribly. So when Leo sees his chance to usurp the old emperor, he goes for it! But now he has his good friend Banquo - I mean Michael - to worry about. Find out what happens in this week’s Totalus Rankium!

This episode is 10 clips from the first 10 of our Roman Republic Totalus Rankium podcast, available to all our senate members for as little as one dollar a month! Caesar, Sulla, Marius, Tiberius Gracchus, Gaius Gracchus, Drusus, Cleopatra, Marcus Antonius, Fulvia and Clodius! Want to listen to the whole episodes? follow the link and follow the instruction on the page! https://patron.podbean.com/TotalusRankium

Let’s round of the Nikephorian dynasty with Michael, the first of that name. We are sure Michael achieved many things in life, things that he was very proud of. It’s a shame none were recorded. We know little, and what we do know is… well, see for yourselves.

Nikephoros, his father, is dead. Now a young, brave Starakios must take the reigns of the empire and lead it to a new Golde- Sorry? His neck is leaking? Head almost off? He's dead? Oh. Ok then, NEXT!

And so the glorious reign of the Nikephorian dynasty begins. There are only three of them, but there were only three Flavians, and they did well! So who knows, maybe this bunch will bring the empire to a new golden age. We start with Nikephoros himself. All he has to do is deal with the Caliphate and the new king of all the Bulgars: Krum. how has can that be?

Today we go back over the reign of Irene, but this time through the eyes (excuse the pun) of her unfortunate son, Constantine. Was he as useless as he looked (sorry) last episode? Or will we see him (too soon?) in a new light? Find out!

Our first female emperor is finally here! And it only took 110 men and 800 years to get here! So how will Irene shape up? It's tough breaking the mould, and unfortunately for her, there are a lot of people standing around worried about her lack of 'advantage'. Will she be able to overcome this? or will the rift with her son end is disaster?

Poo-face is dead, now his young son must take over and (cough cough) take up the mantle (cough). He will need determination and courage to tackle (cough cough) the issues of the (cough hack hack) day. Find out how he does! (Is... Is that blood? Oh. Oh dear.) Also, this week we recommend https://pontifacts.podbean.com for all your popey goodness. Check them out!

Constantine Pooface. The fifth of that name (actually sixth, but shhh). He started life pooing in the alter of the Hagia Sophia and then went on to rule the empire for decades. Unfortunately for him, he ruled during a time of few sources, and those that remain hated him. But what was he really like? We have no idea. but we can always speculate!

Surprise! It's a short episode about Artabasdos. We were not sure if he deserved an episode, but he got one. Now we are less sure he deserved an episode... oh well...

At last the 20 years anarchy draws to an end, but only because one man was able to grab the reins and reign well for a couple of decades (in the the rain?) Find out how Leo did this, but also what he did to rip the very stability he produced apart. Oh, and there is rumour of Poo Pie.

Welcome to the wonderful reign of Theodosius III. The man who led the Opsikians to revolt. Ok, no one actually asked if he wanted to. And now he is emperor, no one is stopping to ask him what he wants. In fact, the only thing anyone is asking seems to be: "Did you hear? Leo is on the way..."

The penultimate emperor in the 20 years anarchy and we have... wait for it... Anastasius II! Did he leave a mark on history? Not really. But did he hire Papa John to lead his troops to war? Yes, yes he did!

Another of the emperors in the 20 Years Anarchy. Let's see if tis one is better that the others... he's not. Oh well, maybe he has some fun stories at least.

Ok, so Leontius was not up to much, but surely Tiberius III will do something, anything, of note while Justinian No-Nose was on his little holiday? Anything at all? Anything?

We already know Leontios' fate, but do we know his full story? No. Will we find out in this episode? No. but we will do our best squeezing out as much detail as we can from the scant sources!

Justinian No Nose - The emperor who lost his nose. Want to know how? And also find out all the other things he got up to in his action-packed life? Give this week's episode a listen! Just bear in mind, if you already know the story, Jamie has no idea what's coming...

Constantine IV was young when his father went away, he perhaps did not want to rule, but perhaps stay in his room not being disturbed. But then his father died and all of a sudden he is in charge - his brothers are plotting, the Caliphate is on the war-path and his generals are revolting. And all he has is a eunuch called Andrew. How will he survive? Find out in this week's episode!

The second Constans (Actually called Heraclius, but - Roman names hey?) We already know that he had a great beard, but what else do we know about the man? He saw his grandfather and father die within half a year and then he was thrust upon the throne during a time when the empire was falling apart. And he was a child (but still with the beard). let's see how he does...

Part two of this week's double bill, the brother of Constantine IIIb! Ok, his brother did not last long, but maybe this one will - what's that? you've already seen the length of the episode? So i'm not fooling anyone? oh well... here is a short episode on how rubish Heraklonas was.

It's going to (cough) be hard to follow such an (cough cough) emperor such as Heraclius (cough). But perhaps (cough splutter splutter cough) his eldest son, Constantine IIIb (hack hack splutter cough) has what it takes (hack hack hack cough splutter gasp gasp gasp cough uugghh). If only he could shake this (cough).

We come to another big name in the history of Rome, and we get another extra long episode. Why does Heraclius deserve a longer episode? Well… We have giants on bridges! Sieges! The rise of a world religion plus the fall of a mighty empire! War! Plots! Schemes! A naked horse ride! This episode has it all.