Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium

Phocas takes the city, and therefore the Empire. Admittedly, he has a scar down his face, and a pointy beard... but we should not judge people on their looks, this does not mean he is a bad man. The burning of people in the market-place however, that could indicate that he is a less than pleasant person... oh dear.

Maurice a une bataille haut de colline à grimper. Il doitcombattre les Perses, les Avars, slaves, et il doit le faire avecseulement une poignée de vieux éléphants dirigées par Jeff etla souris du Conseil du Trésor. A partir de cette terriblesituation, comment vont il sortir du bourbier ? Google translation: Mauritius has a high battle of hill climbing. He must fight the Persians, Avars, Slavs, and it must do so with only a handful ofold elephants run by Jeff and the mouse from the Treasury. From this terrible situation, how will he get out of the mess?

So the empire is at war once again with Persia, Italy is being settle y Lombards and the Avars are causing trouble. Oh, and the empror's as mad as box of frogs. But wait! who is this dazzling young man? look at that chin! those eyes! phwooor, I bet he knows how to emperor...

Justin II has a lot to follow. But he has a clear plan. No more pandering to those horrible barbarians. It is time the Romans take back control! It is time to... to... what was that? was that a Bogle!? Aaarrghhh! hide! Moo! CAW CAW CAW! bibble bibble. Quick someone bar the windows! The emperor has escaped again!

And so we arrive at Justinian - by far the most famous emperor of the East bar perhaps Constantine the Great. But is that fame justified? Strap yourself in for this extra long episode including battles, Vandals, Goths, Persians, the plague, riots, mega churches, massacres, law codes and a bullied Pope!

Justin is often overlooked by his more flashy nephew, but when you actually look into it, you will - oh look! Justinian is coming!

A boy was born with two different coloured eyes so everyone called him a rude name. Then some stuff happened and he became Emperor. There are the Isuarians, the Demes and the Orthodox church out for his blood, plus Bulgars and Persians. And he is getting on in years. How can Anastasius possibly succeed? Find out in this week's episode of Totalus Rankium! Featuring Drunk Monks!

It's not often a father succeeds his son - Zeno has the mighty job of ruling the East as the West crumbles and literally everyone he knows turns against him. It's not going too bad - he just needs to avoid those pesky men up their pillars.

Surprise mini episode! Yes, we are going to a fortnightly release schedule. But Leo II is so pathetic he doesn't really count. Find out exactly why he was so useless in this episode that only exists because the intro clearly states 'Ranking ALL the emperors...'

We are back! Series 2 of Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium begins with Leo the Butcher. We have already covered his reign in the last series, but now we get to see it from his perspective. and finally find out why he was called "The Butcher".

This is where we ramble on for an hour and a half and answer some of your questions.

Here we are at last! Who has the most Je Na Caesar? Who, out of Augustus, Aurelian and Constantius II stands out? Who are you going to be shouting about as you grab that stranger on the street? Find out in the fianl of Season 1 of Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium!

In the last of the Semi Finals we pitch the crazies (plus Trajan) against each other! Caligula, Constantius II, Trajan and Commodus! Who is crazy enough to survive this round and make their was into the final?

The second of the Semi Final episodes. This time it is Diocletian, Constantine, Aurelian and Theodosius. Four of the highest scorers in one round, but who will come out on top?

The first of the Semi Final episodes. Caracalla, Valentinian, Augustus and Constantius III face off but only one can go through... Featuring three new rounds! Infamous Natorius, Mortis Mamorea and Historia Ridiculi - What impact did they have? How good was their death? How would they cope in other situations?

The final round of the quarter finals and it's the round of death. Who will go through out of these massive names? Our top scorer? Or the first bearded emperor? Or the highest scorer from the highest scoring dynasty? Or the man with a club? Also: we look at the total scores from the series.

Round V: it's a tough one this week: who to choose from Constantine, Trajan, Vespasian and Gallienus? there is not a bad one in the bunch, but we have to choose. Find out who we went for! Also: a very brief look at the Tempo Completo round. Wo lasted the longest? who was out the door before anyone had unpacked the chisel for the official bust?

Round IV: Who will go through? The mighty Diocletian, the horrible Galerius, the amazing Constantius II or the good-looking Majorian? Also: we look at the best looking busts and coins of the empire.

The third of the 6 knockout rounds, this week we see the mighty Augustus go up against the stoic Marcus and fascinating Constantius II. Oh, and Constnatius I also. Also: see who the most and least successful emperors were!

Second of the knockout round. This week, Valentian and his bears v Otho and his toupee v Caligula and his crazy v Julianus and his fear. Also: we look at Opprobrium Crazium: who were the sanest and the craziest emperors?

The first of the knockout rounds is here! Who will go through to the semi finals? Theodosius, Valerian, Thrax or Caracalla? Also: Who were the bottom three in Fightius Maximus? And who were the top 5?

This is the end - my only friend - the end. Orestes has a plan to start a new golden age. It involves his son being the emperor, plus about a thousand problems magically going away. Spoiler warning: he fails. But find out how! Also: We figure out when the West was doomed to fail, plus whose fault it was! Also: find out who would the public vote for the spare Je Na Caesar place. And finally: we draw the rounds for the epic battle that will start next week!

Ok, seriously, someone needs to step up. Who can sort this mess out? What about the son of Majorians general, the nephew of one of the best generals of the age, the nephew of Leo, supported by Zeno and the east, a man with links to Syagrius and the Friendly Franks, a man who has been running Dalmatia very well for the last couple of years. He sounds good! Time for him to stand in the surf and demand the tide retreat...

Ricimer is dead, the man behind the throne for the last two decades. Rome needs someone to fill his shoes, someone as cunning, as ruthless, as capable. Instead it was stuck with Glycerius. Oh well...

Ok, the empire is falling, it is over run, there is no hope. But then up steps this man! Sure, he is a handy puppet caught in a vast game of politics between Ricimer and Leo, but that does not mean he can't make his mark on history! Sorry? Oh, it does mean that? oh. That's a shame.

He was destined to achieve great things, almost emperor of the East, then actual emperor of the West. With East and West unified once more and with the backing of his good friend Leo, how could Anthemius possibly lose? As long as he does nothing to annoy Ricimer, it will all be fine... Also: Jamie has a new toy! And everyone should be kind and encourage his creativeness - he has been practising all week.

Severus III! The third of the Severuses. Watch as he singlehandedly rest- oh, sorry Ricimer, Didn't see you there. You want this episode to yourself? Oh, of course you can. Do you mind if we keep the title Severus III though? Just to keep things neat. Cheers.

The west is gulping the last of the air that it can get into its lungs. Calling it an empire is now merely an insult to empires everywhere. Britain is gone, the Danube is gone, Spain is gone, Africa is gone, and Gaul... Gaul looks shaky. But what's this? One last ditch attempt to restore the might of the Roman Empire? Will it succeed? There is less than 20 years till the Fall of the West, so you can probably guess the answer. But in the meantime, look how good Majorian looks while swinging an axe...

Avitus! A little known emperor that had a chance to turn the Roman Empire back towards the golden age... Oh, the Empire is due to end in 20 years.... He has a deadline and he needs to be fast.

Petronius had big dreams, by day he was a loyal senator, helping Valentinian keep the empire ticking over, but by night: by night he was scheming and plotting and planning and cackling. He was going to rule the empire, and when he did, he would show them all! Nothing would stop him! He was not scared of anyone or anything! Sorry? Who are coming? The Vandals... oh. oh dear.

It takes a brave man to stand up to Attila, it takes a lucky one to survive. Find out just how brave or lucky Marcian was. Also, find out: How an eagle save Marcian's life, where Marcian was during the wars and what Marcian got up to on his honey-moon (not much).

It's all going wrong! It's all going wrong! Here is poor Valentinian, trying his hardest (well, at least his mother is) and his generals are doing nothing to stop the barbarians, they are too busy fighting amongst themselves. Britain has gone, Spain is going, Africa is going, Gaul is going, What is left? The empire is about to fall! Wait, who's this? Is that, no it can't be, is that Atilla the Hun? Oh £%@*.

It all started so well... The walls were built, the persians fought off, the grain shipments sorted, the university founded, the law code created, everything was looking so good. But who's this coming over the hill? He looks scary. And he has a simple, but chilling demand. 'Give me gold, or I will crush you and everything you love - or my name isn't Atilla the Hun'. Oh dear...

The empire is a mess, a useless excuse for an emperor sits on the throne, Rome has been sacked, the barbarians are flooding in. It's time for someone to step up and take command. That's what Constantine III did, with results that perhaps seem more funny today than they did for Constantine at the time. But now it's Constantius III's turn. Will he share the same fate as Constantine III? well, probably not, since it was Constantius III that defeated Constantine III, but still, things are not looking good, it will take a serious man with serious determination to turn things around...

Some poeple will be remembered for taking a chance, for seizing the day, for grasping the nettle, for being the one person at the time ready to stand up and say: 'This is my time damnit, and I will make it!'. However, unfortunatly, to be remembered for saying those things, you then need to actually follow them through. With Contantine III chances were indeed taken, but was a nettle grasped? Was a day seized? find out in this week's Totalus Rankium!

Widely regarded as one of the worst emperors in history. But why? What did he do that was so bad? And was it him, or his advisor Stilicho, or Olypius, or Jovius or Constantius? Or any of the others that were actually running things? Who knows? All Honorius knows is that he likes it in Ravenna with it's nice tall walls and deep swamps and hopfully the rest of the world will sort its self out. Best to ignore it. Best to play with his chickens.

Arcadius, our second puppet emperor. Judge him against most, then he won't do well, but how does he compare to Valentinian II? Is he as useless? Does he have any redeeming features? But let's be honest. No one is going to remember this as the Arcadius episode. This will always be the episode where Rob tells Jamie, in detail, how the Romans created their Eunuchs. Never before has a recording session been spent with as much time with crossed legs.

East and West are splitting, political, cultural and religious differences are forcing this divide. But one man has the honour of being The Last Man To Rule The Undivided Empire. And he is know as The Great! what can possibly go wrong here? So, pull up a chair and listen as we find out just how great he is. does he rid the empire of the Goths? does he settle all the religious disputes? Oh, and check the exits... always check the exits... this one has a temper.

It's tough being 4 years old. Everything is too big, you have to eat your greens, you are getting to grips with this toilet business, and your mother and the most powerful bishop in the west of the empire are playing tug-of-war with your existence. Oh, and a scary man with a cool name, who already killed your brother, is coming to kill you also. It took Little Val several years before he attempted to get control over his fate... in retrospect, maybe he shouldn't have bothered.

The Nameth Maketh the Maneth. Or at least so though Magnus' parents, who clearly thought that calling their dear child the 'Greatest Great' who ensure great things. And, to be fair, he became an Roman emperor. But does he live up to the name? Why does he hate heretics? And why does he need to please the Bishop Ambrose, despite the fact that he hates the man? Find out in this week's Totalus Rankium!

Gratian has some big sandals to fill. His father was a Je Na Caesar winner with a score comfortably in the top ten. Knowing this when he took the purple, he knew he would have to impress. But then his uncle messed everything up. Goths are running amuck, Huns are on their way and the Allimanni are still playing up. Will he sort it out? or will he pass the buck at the first opportunity? Oh, and who is this Magnus Maximus guy? He has a great name. The greatest...

Valens never expected to be emperor, but now he was, damn it, he was going to do it well! He was going East. He was going to show that Sharpur a - sorry? what's that? Usurpers you say? and Goths? Oh. ok, He'll sort them out first, but then, then he will sort out the East. As soon as he's sorted out the Goths. Where are they? Adrianople? How hard can this be?

The Constantinians are dead! It is time for a brave new start, it's time for the one and only Valentian to step forward! Who, you ask? You remeber him, he is the son of the trator who was responsble for Jovian's father-in-law's death. No? He ran away from the barbarians under Babatio. That's the one! Let's see how he does... is he strong eough to found a dynasty, to put down two reolts and countless invasions? Let's find out!

Let's face it: Jovian got a bum deal. No other Roman emperor in history started off in such dire circumstances. He is deep in enemy territory, surrounded by a superior force, he has no food, no water, few horses - which are refusing to stay inflated. His men are starting to look at each other as if they are wondering just how tasty Ryanus is. The bridge can't be built, the Persians are calling them names and the elephants, well, they stink! All he has to do is get back home to Constantinople and all will be well...

Julian is one of the most beloved of the latter emperors by historians, but why? Find out what he did in Gual, how he misspelt ‘send’ as ‘burn’, what caused him to revolt, why did the people of Antioch hated his beard, and how he dealt with Shapur II. Does he live up to the hype? find out in this week’s Totalus Rankium!

The third and middle brother of the Brothers Constantine. Constanius II had a lot on his plate: The Persians, the Sarmatians, the Alimanni, Magnetius, Vitranio, Gallus, Silianus, Julius… Still, all he needs to do is keep a level head and not go all purgey. There is nothing so bad that a few cunningly plotted schemes can’t sort out. Now, time to choose a Caesar, there must be at least one member of the family he hasn’t killed yet…

It’s always hard being the little brother, your big brothers never seem to respect you. Not until a sharply worded note, threatening to kill them and all they hold dear, forces a smidgen of respect out of them. Constans has a divided empire and angry bishops to deal with. Could he be the son to live up to the father? Find out this week! Also: a very very Roman (honest) quiz at the end!

It is said that it is the hardest thing in the world to be a Great Man's son. Well, Constantine II managed to prove that in his mostly useless life... To be fair, he had a rough start in life, holding the towl while your father drowns your mother in front of your eyes has to have an effect on a young man. However, maybe he has hideen depths that we can find! Also, find out about the young Athanasius, he hated the Arian movement and loved his home of Alexandria, it's a shame he rarely got to visit...

Perhaps more than any other emperor, a myth has arisen around the emperor Constantine. He was the emperor who turned the empire christian! He built Constantinople! He created an empire that lasted 1000 years! He had a magic standard! But did he? Join us as we look into Constantine the Great: find out what his favourite type of tent was! His favourite method of crossing swamps and why the first Christmas’ of Rome were very awkward…

We are down to the final two! Who will come out on top? The young but ambitious Constantine or the more experienced Licinius? Well, it’s Licinius first, so you can probably guess… but exactly how did Licinius fail? was it a brave last stand, refusing to bow down to superior numbers? Or did he slowly become humiliated after being beaten over and over resulting in him running away what seems every other week. We’ll give you two guesses which. Also: Find out what Season 2 is of Totalus Rankium!