It’s All Your Fault: High Conflict People

Erasing Family. In this age of cancellation, it’s not so rare. In the divorce and child custody (family court) world, cancellation has been a “thing” for a long time. Cancellation of the child’s other parent and even extended family is common. In this episode, Bill and Megan are joined by Ginger Gentile, director of the Erasing Family documentary. Erasing Family follows young adults fighting to reunite with their broken families. Part emotional roller coaster, part investigative exposé, the film “follows the money” to expose why loving moms and dads are erased from their kid’s lives by divorce. Bill and Megan will talk with Ginger about the documentary and discuss:why kids are often unaware they are alienated from a parentwhat should a parent say and do when their child says they never want to see them againwhat to do when a child refuses all contact with a parent, if anythingtop mistakes a parent makes when reuniting with a parenthow long it can take to reunite - whether it’s a process or can it be resolved in a daythe patterns that all families who reunite followbiggest changes in alienation in the last decadeself-care in alienationlistener questions focused on:getting through to the other parent just how damaging their behavior is on the kids; and protecting them from other parents behavior without also engaging in alienationhow to handle other family members who have been pulled into the conflictLinks & Other NotesGINGER GENTILE’S WEBSITE & DOCUMENTARYErasingFamily.OrgBOOKSDon’t Alienate the KidsBIFF for Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails and Social Media PostsPROGRAMS/COURSESNew Ways for Families for Parents & ChildrenOur website at High Conflict Institute: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:58) - Ginger Gentile (03:37) - Questions (06:27) - Erasing Family (13:05) - Feedback (16:17) - Alienated Children (17:42) - Parental Responses (19:21) - When Kids Refuse (21:28) - New Ways for Families (24:06) - Reunion Mistakes (30:56) - Dealing With the Other Parent (36:05) - Changes Over Time (41:24) - Communicating If There's No Contact (42:40) - Parental Self-Care (43:49) - Counteracting Alienation (45:58) - Counteracting Patterns (49:00) - Being Ready (52:03) - Target of Blame (55:05) - Reminders

“Listening People Into Existence.” In this second episode with Doug Noll of the Prison of Peace program, Bill and Megan continue their conversation about this program that leads incarcerated individuals through intensive workshops to become Peacemakers, and eventually Certified Trainers who go out into their communities after their release, using their new peacemaking skills. In this episode, Doug continues telling us about:success storiesthe skill of affect labeling and the research behind itrecidivism rates for those who have been through the programwhere it’s been and is being implemented, and preparing for massive growthListen in as Doug, Megan and Bill dig deep into why this program works.Links & Other NotesDOUG NOLL’S WEBSITE & BOOKShttps://dougnoll.com/podcast/high-conflict-institute/https://www.prisonofpeace.org/Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:39) - Learning to Change (06:31) - You Have to Show Up (13:34) - Motivation (16:17) - Gratification (17:24) - The Draw (22:57) - Greatest Satisfaction (23:57) - Wrapping Up (24:40) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Ginger Gentile

“From Serving Life to a Life of Service.” This is the motto of the Prison of Peace program created by Doug Noll and Laurel Kaufer, two lawyers with big hearts from California. Through Prison of Peace, incarcerated individuals are led through intensive workshops as they progress through the various program levels from Peacemaker to Certified Trainer, mastering the art of communication and conflict resolution, enabling them to create safer, more peaceful lives for themselves and others, in prison and beyond.In today’s episode, the first of a two-parter, Bill and Megan are joined by Doug Noll who will talk about the transformative Prison of Peace program. They discuss:what the program is and how it workshow it startedwhat led inmates to being incarcerated (think trauma background)program successwhether it can work for everyoneListen in as Doug talks about “Listening people into existence” in this first episode of two.Links & Other NotesDOUG NOLL’S WEBSITE & BOOKShttps://dougnoll.com/podcast/high-conflict-institute/https://www.prisonofpeace.org/Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:56) - Doug Noll and Personal Transformation in Inmate Populations (02:21) - Doug's Background (03:54) - Questions (07:47) - Prison of Peace (15:22) - Affect Labeling (18:34) - Back to Prison of Peace (29:47) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Part 2 with Doug Noll

In workplace conflict, handling complaints, upset employees and high conflict situations is taxing, leaving many organizations feeling stuck or without options other than termination or throwing hands up in the air and living with it. But there is a method to help employees learn necessary skills — a method called New Ways for Work: Personal Skills for Productive Relationships.In this episode, Bill and Megan are joined by Cherolyn Knapp, lawyer, mediator, workplace investigator and HCI’s newest speaker/trainer. Together they will discuss:high conflict situations in the workplacewhether conflict increased during covid and if so, whyobservations about how HR, coaches, management and others handle high conflict situations — and whether what they’re doing is workingNew Ways for Work as a skills-building tool for helping calm high conflict situations by teaching skills how New Ways for Work can help anyone who coaches challenging workplace conflict, including high conflict situationsCherolyn’s top 3 tips for HR, coaches, anyone working with high conflict situationsLinks & Other NotesCOURSENew Ways for Work® Training RegistrationBOOKSNew Ways for Work® Coaching Manualor on Amazon New Ways for Work® Workbookor on AmazonIt’s All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict Peopleor on AmazonBIFF at Work: Your Guide to Difficult Workplace Communicationor on AmazonARTICLESNew Ways for Work: A New Coaching MethodWhy Can't They Get It? - What to do when coworkers and employees have no idea how they behave.GUEST BIOhttps://www.highconflictinstitute.com/aboutOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:42) - Meet Cherolyn Knapp (03:42) - Questions (21:01) - New Ways for Work (29:25) - Tips (31:38) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: (33:42) - Wrap Up

In high conflict divorce, accusations of parental alienation are common and cause tremendous distress for everyone involved, including the courts. But is it truly alienation? Or is it estrangement? What’s the difference? It’s important to understand the difference.In this episode, Megan quizzes Bill on the similarities and differences and Bill talks about the theories he’s developed and written about in several books, most specifically in Don’t Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce. Links & Other NotesBOOKSDon’t Alienate the KidsSplitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderCOURSESNew Ways for Families Co-Parenting Playbook (online course)Dealing with High Conflict People in Family Law CasesARTICLES1,000 Little Bricks Can Build a Wall of Child AlienationAlienation UpdateOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:15) - Estrangement vs. Alienation (15:15) - Intact Families and Setting Limits (18:10) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict in Our Schools

Interactions with someone with a high conflict personality often become contentious and you may eventually get upset, storm off, or simply feel inadequate. We’re often left wondering why our best skills don’t work in these interactions. A primary reason for this is because we often respond in a way that doesn’t work — our own defaults that work well with most people. There are 4 Fuhgedaboudits in high conflict interactions that will revolutionize them. They are necessary but we often forget about the 4 Fuhgedaboudits.In this episode, Megan and Bill will explain what they are and why they’re so important.Links & Other NotesBOOKSMediating High Conflict DisputesIt’s All Your Fault!5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeARTICLESWhen to let go of insight as a reasonable objective?4 Mistakes to Avoid When Dealing with Difficult PeopleThe 4 “Fugetaboutits” in High Conflict MediationOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:10) - The Four Fuhgedaboudits (03:55) - Choices Not Insight (06:11) - Don't Emphasize the Past (07:04) - No Emotional Confrontations (12:52) - Focus on Managing Your Relationship (13:48) - Opening Up Emotions (16:26) - Training Your Amygdala (19:00) - In the Moment (20:00) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Alienation vs. Estrangement

People with high conflict personalities have a pattern of high-conflict behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it. This pattern usually happen over and over again in many different situations with many different people. The issue that seems in conflict at the time is not what is increasing the conflict. The “issue” is the high-conflict personality and how the person approaches problem-solving. The pattern of behavior includes a lot of:blaming othersall-or-nothing thinkingunmanaged emotionsextreme behaviorsBill Eddy developed the high conflict personality theory and has been helping others understand the patterns of behavior and respond constructively. In this episode, Megan talks with Bill about how he arrived at the theory and how he developed it.Links & Other NotesARTICLESWho Are High Conflict People?HCP Is Not a DiagnosisOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:02) - The High Conflict Personality Theory (07:16) - Labeling (11:39) - Diagnosed with Personality Disorder? (13:17) - Personality Disorder Does Not Equal HCP (14:53) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: The 4 Fuhgedaboudits

Interactions and life with someone with a high conflict personality can be trying. Some will keep trying until they’re completely burned out while others give up quickly. How can you know when to stop trying? Is it when you find yourself in depression? Banging your head on the wall out of frustration? Over-reacting outside your norm? When you feel like giving up, giving in, or lashing out?In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss the options that each individual can explore when encountering these types of interactions and relationships.Links & Other NotesBOOKSIt’s All Your FaultCOURSESWho Are High Conflict People?The Brain 101ARTICLESCan High Conflict People Change?Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:02) - When to Stop Trying with HCPs (10:34) - When You're Working Harder Than Your Client (14:14) - When Else to Stop Trying (19:13) - Last Tip (21:37) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Bill's High Conflict Personality Theory

High conflict divorce and separation in the family courts consumes the majority of the courts’ time and resources and provides the most frustration and confusion. This is the second of a two-part episode with Dr. Amy J.L. Baker in our new High Conflict Divorce series, in which we interview leading experts from the high conflict divorce world – attorneys, counselors, custody evaluators, researchers, mediators and those within the courts themselves. In this episode Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, parental alienation expert and author of 9 books, including Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex; The High-Conflict Custody Battle; and Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome will talk with Bill and Megan about:Whether favored parents ever recognize that they’re doing itParental alienation vs. parental estrangement Recommendations for lawyers when a child resists or refuses contactTips for what can be done in mild, moderate, severe casesTips for lawyers and therapistsTips for parents and grandparentsPrograms that can help reconnect a child with a rejected parentLinks & Other NotesWEBSITESDr. Baker’s Websitehttps://www.amyjlbaker.com/New Ways for Familieshttps://www.highconflictinstitute.com/new-ways-for-familiesTurning Points for Familieshttps://www.turningpointsforfamilies.com/BOOKSCo-Parenting with a Toxic Exhttps://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1608829588Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndromehttps://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0393705196The High-Conflict Custody Battlehttps://www.amazon.com/The-High-Conflict-Custody-Battle-Accusations/dp/1626250731OTHEROur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganBooks: all of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold.You can also find these show notes at our site.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:25) - Adult Children and Alienation (04:16) - Advice (09:31) - Recognizing You're Alienating (13:19) - Personality Disorders and Labels (16:37) - Evolving the Term (21:47) - Added to the DSM? (24:23) - Treatment (28:32) - Therapists (34:32) - Lawyers (36:24) - Parents (38:53) - Cutting Off Contact (41:09) - Wrapping Up (42:18) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Part 2 of our High Conflict Divorce series

High conflict divorce and separation in the family courts consumes the majority of the court’s time and resources and provides the most frustration and confusion. This is the first episode in our new High Conflict Divorce series in which we will interview leading experts from the high conflict divorce world — attorneys, counselors, custody evaluators, researchers, mediators, and those within the courts themselves. In this episode – the first of two – we talk with renowned parental alienation expert Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, the author of nine books including Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex, The High-Conflict Custody Battle, and Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Alienation is one of the most challenging, confusing, and terrifying events in one’s life. Bill and Megan talk with Dr. Baker about:Alienation definedTerminology: parental alienation or some other termPrevalence in divorce/separationWhether it is increasing or notCauses of alienationResearch on adult children of parental alienationWhether adult children of parental alienation mostly connect or not with parents somedayRecommendation to parents whose children have cut them off?Links & Other NotesWEBSITESDr. Baker’s WebsiteNew Ways for FamiliesBOOKSCo-Parenting with a Toxic ExAdult Children of Parental Alienation SyndromeThe High-Conflict Custody BattleOTHEROur websiteSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold.You can also find these show notes on our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:27) - Part I of High Conflict Divorce Series (03:47) - Dr. Amy J.L. Baker (09:22) - What Is Alienation? (12:49) - Alienation vs. Estrangement (15:40) - The Five Factor Model (23:27) - How Prevalent Is Alienation? (26:40) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Part 2 of our High Conflict Divorce series

REBROADCASTDomestic ViolenceMegan and Bill are joined by the Honorable Karen Adam and Annette Burns to discuss domestic violence. This is part one of this conversation.Links & Other NotesTHE VIDEO THAT WAS DISCUSSED IN THE EPISODEConversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 ExpertsBIOSBios for Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., Honorable Karen Adam, and Annette Burns, J.D.DOMESTIC VIOLENCE EXPERTS INTERVIEWED IN THE VIDEOAbi Ajibolade, Executive Director, The Redwood, Toronto, OntarioAmy G. Applegate, JD, Clinical Professor of Law, Maurer School of Law, Indiana University, Bloomington, IndianaLinda Bortell, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist, Bortell Psychological, Inc., Los Angeles, CaliforniaMelissa Brickhouse-Thomas, LCSW, Manager, Victim Services, Glendale Police Dept., Glendale, ArizonaGabrielle Davis, JD, Legal and Policy Advisor, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, MinnesotaLoretta M. Frederick, JD, Senior Legal & Policy Director, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, MinnesotaAnna Harper-Guerrero, LMSW, Executive Vice President & Chief Strategy Officer, Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse, Tucson, ArizonaAmy Holtzworth-Munroe, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Dept. of Psychological & Brain Science, Indiana University, Bloomington, IndianaHilary A. Linton, JD, LLM, Mediator, President, Family Mediation Services (mediate393) Toronto, OntarioJan Maiden, JD, Family Law/Domestic Violence Attorney, Law Office of Jan Maiden, San Diego, CaliforniaWendy Million, City Magistrate, Tucson City Court Domestic Violence Court, Tucson, ArizonaCharles A. Sawchenko, MSW, Police Lieutenant (Ret), Delaware State Police, Dover, DelawareWilliam Spiller, Jr., JD, Family Lawyer and Minor’s Counsel, Law Offices of William Spiller, Jr., Los Angeles, CaliforniaNancy Ver Steegh, MSW, JD, Professor of Law, Mitchell Hamline School of Law, St. Paul, MinnesotaNeil Websdale, PhD, Director, Family Violence Center, Arizona State University, Tempe, ArizonaDavid Wexler, PhD, Director, Relationship Training Institute, San Diego, CaliforniaSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:40) - Dealing With Domestic Violence (03:27) - Meet Our Guests (05:24) - Impetus Behind DV Video Series (06:19) - Overall Objective (07:31) - Surprises (08:54) - Karen's Motivation (12:46) - Survivor vs. Victim (15:56) - Annette's Motivation (18:28) - Biggest Issues in Divorce & Co-Parenting (28:40) - Intimate Partner Violence vs. DV (30:50) - Coercive Control (33:20) - HCPs (40:19) - Last Words (41:58) - Coming Next Week: Part 2

REBROADCASTIn today’s episode, we talk about how to tackle hostile communications with BIFF Responses.What is a hostile communication? It usually contains blame and personal attacks. You read it. Your heart rate doubles. You either want to blast back or instantly delete. Mostly, you never want to hear from that person again. It was far less common pre-electronic communication. Now it’s a matter of daily life, especially on social media or even more so when the communication is coming from someone with a high conflict personality.The challenge with dealing with HCPs, or people with High Conflict Personalities, is that they wage war wherever they can, including on your screen. The problem is that most people respond right away. Why? Because they think they need to defend themselves. We talk about why people do that; why the HCP sends it in the first place; whether or not you need to respond; and if you do, how to do it differently using a BIFF Response.Do you need to respond?Much of hostile e-communication does not need a response. Letters from (ex-) spouses, angry neighbors, irritating co-workers, or attorneys do not usually have legal significance. The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding.If you do have to respond, use a BIFF Response.Some letters and emails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process – or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. The best way to handle hostile communications from an HCP is with a BIFF Response. BIFF reminds you to be Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm, assuming you need to respond.We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the Submit a Question button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at [email protected] or send us a note on any of our socials.Please rate, review and share this show!Links & Other NotesSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganArticle on using BIFF Response®Online course for lawyers on BIFF Response®Online course for anyone on using BIFF Response®Info on BIFF CertificationBIFF BooksBIFF for AnyoneBIFF for Co-ParentsBIFF for the WorkplaceAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:42) - High Conflict in the Written Word (04:45) - Using BIFF (07:30) - What's Happening in the Brain? (11:13) - When to Respond (13:08) - An Example (16:14) - Not Taking It Personally (17:23) - Three As (23:53) - BIFFing That Example (30:00) - BIFF in High Conflict Divorce (34:19) - Being Disciplined to Use BIFF (35:25) - BIFF Certification (36:29) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Using BIFF at Work

REBROADCASTThe challenge of being emotional creaturesDid you know that emotions are contagious? We like to think we are in complete control of our emotions, but lots of research shows that emotions are contagious and it’s how we handle our own emotions once we’re emotionally hooked.In this episode we’ll break down emotion contagion. If you’re a brain nerd like us, or you simply want to have a better understanding of human behavior and the impact of unmanaged emotions on others, you’ll enjoy this episode. Specifically, we’ll discuss:Can you get emotionally “hooked?” and “unhooked?”How exactly are emotions contagious? How does that work in our brains?Can emotions lead us to make bad decisions?How do High Conflict People deal with emotions?How do High Conflict People communicate differently using their emotions?Are emotions part of why we have such angry polarization today in families and in politics?What can we do to calm down emotionsLinks & Other NotesBOOKSBIFF for everyoneBIFF for Coparent CommunicationBIFF for WorkplaceCalming Upset People with EARON DEMAND COURSEThe Brain 101: For Lawyers & AnyoneWho Are High Conflict People?ARTICLESManaging EmotionsKeep the Conflict Small! (With Managed Emotions)Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:42) - Emotionally Hooked & Unhooked (05:22) - Getting Hooked (07:16) - Emotional Persuasion (13:13) - In the Brain (21:33) - Emotions Leading to Bad Decisions (24:48) - HCPs Dealing With Emotions (27:57) - Communicating with Emotions (29:23) - Polarization (34:40) - Calming Emotions (36:46) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: HCPs in Love

REBROADCASTFamily members (and friends) of someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD) are typically mystified about how to interact with them, walk on eggshells around them, and generally feel overwhelmed and defeated because they don’t know what to do.In this episode, Bill and Megan continue their discussion with BPD expert Amanda Smith, LCSW, founder of HopeforBPD.com. Amanda is a highly skilled BPD and Dialectical Behavior Therapy expert, having helped countless clients through their recovery. She’s helped family members learn the necessary skills for helping their loved one best while also taking care of themselves. Amanda also provides treatment consultation. She is the author of two books:The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness PlannerThe Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for FamiliesIn this episode – part 2 of 2 – Amanda gives hope and help to family members and friends of those with BPD. She discusses what to do and what to avoid. She will explain whether BPD is a hopeless situation with no resolution or whether something can be done to intervene – including whether an “intervention” can work.Links & Other NotesHopeforBPDThe Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness PlannerThe Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness PlannerOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:40) - The Family of Someone With BPD (02:43) - Avoiding Blame (05:34) - Helping When They Don't See the Problem (07:28) - When in a Marriage (09:22) - Couples Counseling (11:26) - Intervention? (13:50) - Calling It Out (15:18) - How to Approach It (17:03) - In High Conflict Divorces (20:42) - E A R Statements (22:18) - Medication (23:59) - Amanda's Book (26:50) - Wrapping Up (29:04) - Reminders

REBROADCASTWhen an HCP is a Narcissist...Do you know someone whose moods swing wildly? Do they act unreasonably suspicious or antagonistic? Do they blame others for their own problems? When a high conflict person (HCP) has one of five common personality disorders – borderline, narcissistic, paranoid, antisocial, or histrionic – they can lash out in risky extremes of emotion and aggression. And once an HCP decides to target you, they’re hard to shake.Most everyone has been around a narcissist, but not everyone understands how to handle a narcissistic HCP. Bill and Megan do a deep dive into this personality type, exploring:Their fear-based need to be superior and makes others feel inferiorThe differences between vulnerable, narcissistic and malignant typesWhy they see themselves as a hero and protector while those around them experience them as bulliesHow to spot themStatistics on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic HCPs in the U.SUnderstanding and dealing with Narcissistic HCPs come in layers, and understanding the why they behave that way is the first step.If you’ve been the Target of Blame for a narcissistic HCP, you know the devastating impact it can have. It’s easy to get emotionally hooked by their aggressive behaviors and respond with aggression or avoidance, which emboldens them. Instead, learning the necessary skills –that don’t always feel natural – is the ticket to managing interactions with them. The first step is to understand their behavior patterns, starting now.Send us your stories!We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the ‘Submit a Question’ button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at [email protected] or send us a note on any of our socials.Please rate, review and share this show!Links & Other NotesBooks:BIFF at Work5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict PersonalitiesIt’s All Your Fault: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict PeopleAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books and some in audio format.Training:For attorneys: Dealing with Narcissistic Personalities: The Arrogant Players of DivorceThe Narcissistic Family Member: Prickly and SuperiorArticles:Do Narcissists Make Good Leaders in Business?Narcissism and Incivility: Is There a Connection?Narcissist in Your Family? 4 Tips for Dealing with ThemSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganYou can also find these show notes on our website as well. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:45) - Last Time... (02:10) - HCP Refresher (05:05) - The Narcissistic HCP (07:38) - Statistics (08:53) - Dealing With an Narcissistic HCP (09:57) - Sexual Abuse (10:21) - Genetic Component? (12:47) - Empathy Factor (14:57) - How They See Themselves (17:44) - Types of Narcissists (23:55) - Lack of Self-Awareness (26:06) - Treatment (28:59) - Dealing With a Narcissistic HCP in Your Life (32:26) - Getting Support (33:39) - Gender Breakdown (35:17) - Don't Tell Them They're an HCP (36:03) - Narcissists vs. Narcissistic HCPs (36:49) - Are HCPs bad people? (39:00) - Raising Healthy Kids (42:05) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Antisocial HCPs

REBROADCASTIn today’s episode, we look at what makes up a high conflict person and talk about EAR Statements.Blamers. Narcissists. Accusers. Ragers. These are all people who may fall into the category of High Conflict Personality. Most of us don’t act this way, but these people don’t often realize they’re acting this way and can’t control themselves. So should you engage? Or should you learn how to deal with them? If you guessed the latter, you’d be right.Many people say these people are unpredictable, but Megan and Bill talk about how these people actually are very predictable... if you know what to look for. Several things can lead to people becoming HCPs. It could be genetic or could come from how they were raised. And because of this, HCPs can exist anywhere in the world. So how do you deal with them?Well, the first step is learning to identify them. They will usually blame anyone but themselves, and they’ll never be able to connect the dots back to themselves. They rarely take responsibility for their own actions. But the feelings are so strongly in them that they can’t have their mind changed. Once you realize you’re dealing with an HCP, definitely don’t tell them they’re an HCP. It’s likely going to trigger them further.If you’re in a situation with an HCP, try an EAR Statement.Empathy. Attention Respect. These tools may seem opposite to how you’d normally deal with a person who is confronting you, but remember, you’re not an HCP. The HCP needs this so you can get out of the situation you’re in. It’s hard, but give it a try.We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the Submit a Question button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at [email protected] or send us a note on any of our socials.Please rate, review and share this show!Links & Other NotesSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganArticle – ‘What is a High Conflict Individual’Article – ‘Calming Upset People Fast with an EAR Statement™’Online course for attorneys/judges – Understanding & Managing High Conflict People in Legal DisputesOnline course for anyone – Calming Upset People with an EAR StatementOnline Course: Who Are High Conflict People?Book: 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeBook: Calming Upset People with EARAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:41) - What is a High Conflict Person? (05:28) - Why and How are HCPs Different? (08:48) - Why Are They Like This and Why Don't They Change? (12:43) - Why They Blame (15:24) - How to Deal With HCPs (20:16) - Getting Hooked (24:09) - Breaking Down Megan's Story (27:44) - Using EAR Statements (32:13) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: BIFF Response

Personality disorders are widespread but not always seen as a mental disorder. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association indicates that over 10% of adults have such a disorder, based on studies from several countries.These are huge numbers, yet few people know much about personality disorders and many do not see them as a mental disorder. Information found online is often misleading. Ultimately, many people simply get angry with those with personality disorders, believing that they are just being difficult on purpose and can control their behavior. Likewise, judges generally do not consider them a factor in making legal decisions, because they are considered to know right from wrong. However, these views may be changing.In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss:what is considered a mental illness or disorderhow personality disorders are different from other types of mental illnesseswhether personality disorders are a form of mental illness at all, or something more normalthe link between personality disorders and important cases, including the Elizabeth Smart case and Unabomber casepersonality disorders receiving increased awareness in the courts, including an Australian case regarding borderline personality disorder and a California study indicating the presence of narcissistic personality disorder in family court casesLinks & Other NotesBOOKSHigh Conflict People in Legal DisputesManaging High Conflict People in CourtARTICLESPersonality Disorders Gaining Importance in Recent Legal CasesCompassion for People with Personality DisordersOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:10) - Personality Disorders and Mental Illness (02:43) - What Is a Mental Illness or Disorder? (06:04) - Personality Disorders (09:04) - How Legal Views It (11:01) - The Elizabeth Smart Case (13:40) - The Unabomber Case (17:34) - Medication vs. Skills (19:44) - The Brown Case (24:26) - Narcissistic Personalities in Courts (27:35) - Reminders & End of Season One Note

If you aren’t sure whether you’ve met a narcissist, think back to an interaction in which you went away feeling small, inadequate or even insecure. It’s possible that you may have been around someone with a narcissistic personality. They are often puffed up about themselves and get triggered when they aren’t getting the attention they think they deserve... or are entitled to. Then they go into action, making those around them feel small.But did you know they are also the Great Dividers? Although it may sound straightforward, it’s often confusing to those around them because they can be the life of the party, bringing people together, which is quite opposite from being a divider.In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss:why narcissistic HCPs divide peoplehow it manifests in 4 settings: family, politics, healthcare, and the workplacewhy we don’t see it coming and why we fall for their charm in the beginningways to address and prevent succumbing to divisionhow to handle email communications with narcissistic HCPsLinks & Other NotesBOOKSIt’s All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict PeopleHigh Conflict People in Legal Disputes5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeSplitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderARTICLESIs Personality Awareness the Next Big Thing?Narcissistic High Conflict PeopleNarcissist in Your Family? 4 Tips for Dealing with ThemOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:13) - Narcissists: The Great Dividers (02:56) - Defining a Narcissist (07:13) - Splitting (12:36) - How to Address This (15:57) - Copying Someone Else In to Make You Look Bad (20:56) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Are Personality Disorders a Mental Illness?

Have you wondered if you are high conflict? If you have, you’re not alone.Many people contact us with a concern that they might be high conflict after learning the 4 key characteristics of the high conflict pattern:unmanaged emotionsextreme behaviorsall-or-nothing thinkingblaming othersBill and Megan will discuss:whether you can tell if you have high conflict patternswhat you can do if you have these patternswhether you should tell friends/family that you believe you have a high conflict personalitywhether to ask friends/family to hold you accountable or notwhether you can change your way out of high conflict patternsLinks & Other NotesBOOKSIt’s All Your Fault!ARTICLESDo You Have a Personality Disorder?Can Personalities Change or Not?OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:13) - Self-Awareness (02:34) - Characteristics (06:54) - Changing Your Thoughts (09:32) - What Can You Do? (12:25) - Can You Do It On Your Own? (14:33) - When Will You Know You've Succeeded? (17:34) - Should You Tell Others? (21:59) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Narcissists The Great Dividers

As we know, change is hard for everyone, but if you’ve had a high conflict individual in your life, you know that change for them is seemingly impossible. Our minds tell us that they’re doing it on purpose or at least partially so; and that they can change if they’d just choose that route. But is that a reality? If we start with the premise that people with high conflict personalities don’t even know they have such a thing, why would change?In this episode, Bill and Megan talk about:whether people with high conflict personalities know they’re suchwhether people with high conflict personalities can changeif change is possible:what is the likelihood of changewhat it takes to help them change, such as therapy, programs, those around themhow to approach someone with a high conflict personality HCP about their need for change and whether you should ever do thatNOTE: We are not diagnosing or labeling anyone and neither should anyone listening to this podcast. Instead, we focus on what to do to help.Links & Other NotesBOOKS5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeThe Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness PlannerThe Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for FamiliesARTICLESFire or Keep High Conflict EmployeesOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:08) - Does an HCP recognize they need to change? (04:34) - Can an HCP change? (06:36) - Borderline Personality Type (07:56) - Narcissistic Personality Type (09:37) - Histrionic Personality Type (10:03) - Antisocial Personality Type (11:10) - Helping Borderline HCPs Change (12:16) - What It Takes to Help Them Change (15:02) - Developing Empathy (17:08) - Time and Repetition (19:08) - Adapting to the Change in HCPs (20:10) - Approaching an HCP About Changing (25:42) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: What if I'm high conflict?

This Q &A Lab focuses on two questions about possible paranoid personality behaviors and high conflict behaviors, including:Combative, Aggressive, Violent, Blaming 19-year-old SonThe parent of 19-year-old with combative, aggressive, violent behaviors (including spitting on his parent) and demands that the parent admit abusing him as a young child. Bill and Megan will discuss:What can this parent do when the son becomes infuriated when the parent won’t admit to the false allegation that he/she was an abusive parent?How can the parent establish boundaries with the son related to money and other assistance when being bullied?Conspiracy-minded, Blaming TeammateA member of a team has to deal with a blaming, accusing teammate who seemed to be paranoid and consistently dismissive and rude. Bill and Megan will answer whether this person could possible have a paranoid personality and/or a high conflict personality.Links & Other NotesBOOKSIt’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeCOURSEWho are High Conflict People?Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:28) - Q&A Lab (01:18) - Question One (14:36) - Question Two (23:58) - BIFF Responses Seen as Defensiveness? (26:43) - Paranoia vs. Paranoid Personality Disorder (30:59) - Children With a Paranoid Parent (32:44) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Can HCIs Change?

In 2021, we noticed a new book that was gaining a lot of attention—titled High Conflict. Of course a book with that title grabbed our immediate attention and piqued our curiosity, as high conflict is what we think about all day every day. After reaching out to the author, Amanda Ripley, we were quickly intrigued by her research and perspective and have since spent time getting to know each other’s work.We are enormously pleased that Amanda has agreed to come on our show and happy to introduce her to listeners who haven’t yet heard about her. She is a New York Times best-selling author and investigative journalist. She started her journalism career covering courts and crime for Washington City Paper. She then spent 10 years working for Time Magazine in New York, Washington and Paris. Currently, Amanda lives in Washington, D.C., with her family. To discuss her writing, Amanda has appeared on ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, FOX News and NPR. She has spoken at the Pentagon, the Senate, the House of Representatives, the State Department and the Department of Homeland Security, as well as conferences on leadership, conflict resolution and education.In this episode, Bill will discuss “high conflict” with Amanda, including:“macro” view of high conflict: mostly large groups and political conflicts (city council, gangs, rebels in Colombia), and “micro” view of interpersonal high conflict (divorce, workplace, legal disputes)how to get out of high conflict situations and how to avoid them, and how to deal with high conflict if you can’t totally get out, such as co-parents, workplace bullies, and legal entanglementswhat it takes to reduce high conflict behavior and the need to get people to talk more and judge each other lessteaching journalists to ask more questions for depth beneath the conflict and to use the phrase both Bill and Amanda both love to use: “Tell me more!”Links & Other NotesWEBSITEAmanda’s websiteBOOKSAmanda’s book High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get OutARTICLESIn Harvard Business Review: How to Work with Someone Who Creates Unnecessary ConflictOn CBS News: Book excerpt: “High Conflict,” when life becomes “us vs. them”Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:30) - Meet Amanda Ripley (06:39) - Defining High Conflict (11:04) - The Reasons We Get Trapped (12:13) - Conflict Entrepreneurs (14:32) - Strategies for Getting Out of High Conflict (21:26) - Spending Time with HCIs (22:12) - Tell Me More (24:41) - Complicating the Narrative (28:17) - What She's Teaching to Journalists (30:22) - Polarization (34:18) - Wrapping Up (35:09) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Q&A Lab

To tell or not to tell. That is a question on the minds of many who deal with high conflict situations. In a court situation, is it is a good idea to tell the judge that the other person is high conflict or has a personality disorder, whether diagnosed or suspected? The same goes in the workplace. Should HR be told? And the same question applies in any setting, such as the education environment, in mediation or even in families.It’s tempting to want to tell everyone what you suspect you’re dealing with, but will it help or hurt your case or situation? Will it backfire?Megan and Bill answer this vital question in this week’s episode. It’s a big issue that can impact outcomes whether in a legal case, in your job or in your family.Links & Other NotesBOOKSProtecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderHigh Conflict People in Legal DisputesAUDIOEducating the Court About High-Conflict PersonalitiesOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:41) - To Tell or Not to Tell (05:44) - What About Formal Diagnoses? (08:08) - Concerning Patterns of Behavior (14:02) - What About Therapists and Lawyers? (18:11) - What About When Not Divorcing? (20:07) - How to Deal With It When You're the One Who's Told (27:19) - What If It's Your Family Member? (34:16) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Amanda Ripley

Throughout the pandemic, which we’ve now been in for a little over two years, the fight has been “on” in the education world. Education – especially public education – has always been at the crossroads of many social and cultural changes, from bussing students across town, to benchmark academic standards for school funding, to which books are approved for teaching classes.Then with Covid, the conflict flame grew even brighter as parents, schools, unions, and more fought over – and continue to fight – over masks, vaccinations, virtual classes, school shutdowns, gender issues, parent rights, Zoom classes, and more. Conflict abounds.Bill and Megan speak with Sandra Just, MEd, founder of Just Look Within Coaching and Consulting. Sandra is an educator with 30+ years’ experience in public education as a teacher, administrator, and HR director. She discusses the current state of education, given the many issues that everyone involved in the system are faced with, including:How teachers cope and what keeps them goingConflicts with parents over setting reasonable limits in classSchool bullying and how, or whether, it can be dealt with effectivelyManaging school board meetingsConflict resolution training for teachers and administratorsListen in as Bill and Megan talk with Sandra about school. As Sandra says, “We’re great at helping kids, but maybe we’re not so great at helping the adults in education.”About Sandra JustSandra Just is the Founder and Principal of Just Look Within Coaching and Consulting. Sandra spent 31 years as an educator in the Denver Public Schools. During her time in DPS, she served as a teacher, counselor, performance management advisor, school leader, and interim regional assistant superintendent. She is known for developing her staff into leaders, supporting students to meet their goals, and creating a strong school culture. Sandra currently serves as a mentor for students in the para to teacher pipeline at the University of Northern Colorado Center for Urban Education. She also consults with School Works, as needed. Sandra earned her certificate as an Executive Coach in 2021 and is currently working toward Board Certification.Sandra enjoys spending time with family and friends. She volunteers with the Rocky Mountain Down Syndrome Association.Links & Other NotesGUEST LINKSSandra’s Website Just Look WithinFollow Sandra on LinkedInBOOKS & AUDIOManaging High Conflict People in Higher EducationBIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict PeopleCalming Upset People with EARCONFLICT INFLUENCER CERTIFICATION COURSEARTICLESEAR Statement Can Calm AnyoneOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:27) - Sandra Just (03:20) - How Are Teachers Coping? (06:42) - How Are Teachers Responding? (07:38) - Physical Threats (09:28) - Percent of Parents With Issues (13:46) - Connecting to Calm (17:45) - Emotions Are Contagious (18:42) - Bullying (23:00) - Parents' Role as It Relates to Bullying (26:48) - Dealing With School Board Meetings (31:27) - Conflict Resolution Training (34:10) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Revealing Someone's High Conflict

Parents divorcing in protracted battles. Crowded family court dockets. Kids who spend their childhood with nervous stomachs, anxiety, and a yearning for their parents to just get along. A typical high-conflict divorce and co-parenting situation.Most parents are able to work things out amicably but around 15-20% comprise the cases on the family court dockets. They are seemingly unable to resolve disputes and bring disputes to the court that others can work out themselves.What makes them different? And what works for them? Bill Eddy interviews Susie Rayner, GradDip FDRP, who is the New Ways Program Manager for the High Conflict Institute. Susie is visiting the U.S. for the Association of Family & Conciliation Courts conference from her homeland, Australia.Bill and Susie dive into the program that Bill created back in 2009 to help high conflict divorcing or separated parents—New Ways for Families®. It’s different from other co-parenting and divorce education courses because it focuses on teaching skills to handle conflict instead of lecturing about the do’s and don’ts of co-parenting. Listen in as Bill and Susie discuss New Ways for Families and how it helps parents get along and save lots of time, frustration and money; and how it helps the courts reduce their caseloads as the parents learn to make decisions without court.Links & Other NotesTHE NEW WAYS FOR FAMILIES PROGRAMTraining for therapists and divorce coachesOnline course for parentsBOOKSNew Ways for Families Professional GuidebookNew Ways for Families Parent WorkbookARTICLESHow is New Ways for Families® Different Than A Parenting Class?New Ways Parent-Child Talk: What to say to your children during this time of transitionWhy New Ways for Families® is Going OnlineGUEST BIOSUSIE RAYNER, GradDip FDRPSusie Rayner is the New Ways Program Manager for the High Conflict Institute. She manages each sub-brand of New Ways, including New Ways for Families, New Ways for Work, New Ways for Life, and New Ways for Mediation. Susie is a mediator, co-parenting coach, and was the founder of Mediate Negotiate, a family dispute resolution practice in Australia. Prior to becoming a dedicated family dispute resolution practitioner and family coach in 2018, she held positions in the corporate arena for 20 years. She also works in other areas of dispute resolution and volunteers with organizations that support people in crisis. She is the co-author of New Ways for Life™ Teacher Guide and Student Journal with Bill Eddy.Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:22) - Meet Susie Rayner (02:40) - New Ways for Families (09:32) - Putting It Into Practice (12:40) - Other Areas for Use (15:30) - Helping Parents Make Big Decisions (17:28) - Not Law-Based (19:36) - Success Story (25:22) - The New Ways for Life Method (30:57) - The Four Big Skills (34:34) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: (34:34) - Last Thoughts

High conflict divorce is one the hardest trials one can go through. It’s so hard on parents and on their children. If you’ve ever wanted to know what it looks like from the inside, from someone who has been through it and come out the other side with good outcomes, listen to this episode featuring Bill and Megan’s guest, Shannon Jenkins from the podcast Starting Over with Shannon.After hearing a bit of Shannon’s story, Bill and Megan will talk with her about:these many downs and a limited number of ups in high conflict casesstrategies Shannon used in her own case that had positive resultswhat made the case seem high conflict to herwhere she decided to go to get the best decisions in terms of parenting plans, finance, relocation efforts, and other major decisions (mediation, direct negotiations, court, out-of-court)domestic violence and child abuse allegations, and other “distractions” and “manipulations” used in the casesome hopeful tips and encouragement for listeners who may be walking the path of high conflict separation, divorce and parenting/co-parentingLinks & Other NotesShannon’s websiteStarting Over with Shannon: The PodcastBOOKSDating Radar5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeSplittingARTICLESDifferences in Dealing with Borderline, Narcissistic and Antisocial Clients in Family LawFamily Law: 3 Theories of the High-Conflict Case6 Ways You Should Be Assertive in Family CourtOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:50) - Meet Shannon Jenkins (03:18) - Why Start Over? (05:49) - What Made the Divorce High Conflict? (09:44) - Finding How to Approach the Case (12:21) - Business Law (13:40) - The Hague Convention (15:21) - Some of the High Conflict Issues (18:47) - What Made It Work? (22:44) - Her Support Structure (28:05) - How Things Turned Out (32:17) - Confusion (34:31) - How Her Son's Doing (36:01) - Wrapping Up (38:23) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Susie Rayner

The legal case between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp has been heard around the world. It’s a case rife with allegations of domestic violence on both sides, which will be challenging for the jury to make a decision.In this episode Bill and Megan discuss the case and why it is important to focus on the big picture rather than being persuaded by a single picture or an isolated story. They will discuss:What kind of case is it – family law or defamation?Who will decide – a judge or a jury?The four different types of domestic violenceWhether the jurors can keep an open mind or notCan jurors avoid confirmation bias, assuming it’s always true, always false or always both?Why do juries and judges need 3 theories of any case of allegations of abuse?Links & Other NotesWEBSITESHigh Conflict InstituteConflict PlaybookCOURSEConversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 Experts: A 6-Part video series on Domestic Violence (DV) / Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) best practices in the family law environment in the United States and CanadaBOOKSDating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to “The One” Who Will Make Your Life HellARTICLESDating DenialAre Your Personality Awareness Skills Up to Date?Does Your Relationship Include Coercive Control?Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:22) - Johnny Depp and Amber Heard (02:46) - Types of Domestic Violence (07:10) - Trying to See the Big Picture (14:01) - Confirmation Bias (16:44) - Three Theories (20:02) - True or False (26:07) - Dating Radar (30:09) - Reminders (31:14) - Coming Next Week: DV Guest

Workplace conflict is on the increase. According to a 2021 survey, 89% of employees from a diverse range of industries reported experiencing conflict at work, consuming 3.5 hours/week on average. Finding employees is challenging, making a calm workplace imperative if competitive advantage is to be gained. When incivility and bullies or other high conflict people are in the workplace, the impact goes deep.In this episode Bill and Megan talk with guest Catherine Mattice, founder of Civility Partners, and author of Back Off! Your Kick-Ass Guide to End Bullying at Work. They will discuss:whether bullying is increasingthe definition of bullyingcauses of bullyingcan it be eliminated?impact on others of bullyingdoes coaching work?should a bully be terminated?should we have workplace bullying laws?creating a psychologically safe work environmentCatherine has a wealth of experience specifically in bullying, including the latest research.Links & Other NotesWEBSITESCivility PartnersHigh Conflict InstituteBOOKSBACK OFF! Your Kick-Ass Guide to Ending Bullying at WorkIt’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict PeopleARTICLESCivility and the Surge ProtectorWhy Don’t They Get It?Times are EdgySubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:22) - Catherine Mattice (02:49) - Catherine's Backstory (07:28) - Defining Workplace Bullying (10:17) - Causes of Workplace Bullying (12:47) - Eliminating It (15:04) - Those Who Are Impacted (15:58) - Is a Bully by Default an HCP? (18:44) - Reading the Population (21:12) - Evaluations (21:51) - Group Responses (23:30) - If You Need to Get Rid of Them (27:30) - How They Get There (29:01) - BIFF Certification (30:01) - What's Gratifying (31:51) - Workplace Bullying Laws (34:49) - Psychologically Safe Work Environment (40:59) - Finding Catherine (42:41) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Johnny Depp & Amber Heard

It’s time for the Q&A Lab again! In this episode, Bill and Megan answer listener questions on several topics, including:dealing with high conflict family members who accuse you of not living up to their expectations. Should hurtful comments be ignored? Should EAR Statements be used?similarities and differences of ADHD and personality disorderscan ADHD co-exist with a high conflict personality in the same individualfrom a previous podcast on Russia’s Putin in which we suggested that he may suffer from malignant narcissism, and whether the term “psychopath” would be more accuratedeciding when to use EAR Statements and BIFF Responses to create connection with a person with a high conflict personality, and when to just take distance or avoid themre-kindling an old friendship with someone with Borderline Personality HCP attributesListen as we break it down and answer these questions that truly have a significant impact on lives.Links & Other NotesBOOKSIt’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for EverythingARTICLESThe CARS Method® for Resolving High Conflict SituationsDon’t Let HCPs Ruin Your LifeYou Can Strengthen Any Relationship With Empathy, Attention, and RespectWEBSITEOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:57) - Q&A Lab (02:09) - Question 1 (09:29) - Question 2 (16:07) - Question 3 (21:46) - Question 4 (25:09) - Question 5 (31:54) - Links, Etc. (32:53) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Catherine Mattice

Family members (and friends) of someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD) are typically mystified about how to interact with them, walk on eggshells around them, and generally feel overwhelmed and defeated because they don’t know what to do.In this episode, Bill and Megan continue their discussion with BPD expert Amanda Smith, LCSW, founder of HopeforBPD.com. Amanda is a highly skilled BPD and Dialectical Behavior Therapy expert, having helped countless clients through their recovery. She’s helped family members learn the necessary skills for helping their loved one best while also taking care of themselves. Amanda also provides treatment consultation. She is the author of two books:The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness PlannerThe Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for FamiliesIn this episode – part 2 of 2 – Amanda gives hope and help to family members and friends of those with BPD. She discusses what to do and what to avoid. She will explain whether BPD is a hopeless situation with no resolution or whether something can be done to intervene – including whether an “intervention” can work.Links & Other NotesHopeforBPDThe Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness PlannerThe Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness PlannerOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:40) - The Family of Someone With BPD (02:43) - Avoiding Blame (05:34) - Helping When They Don't See the Problem (07:28) - When in a Marriage (09:22) - Couples Counseling (11:26) - Intervention? (13:50) - Calling It Out (15:18) - How to Approach It (17:03) - In High Conflict Divorces (20:42) - E A R Statements (22:18) - Medication (23:59) - Amanda's Book (26:50) - Wrapping Up (29:04) - Reminders

People throw around the term Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD), but most likely don’t even know what it is, and many have no idea how to handle it, whether within themselves or with a family member. Relationships and interactions are somewhat of a mystery to those around them, and even to themselves. People with BPD often feel like the black sheep of the family, but once you have an understanding of what may be happening and use a set of skills that are typically quite opposite.In this episode, Bill and Megan talk with BPD expert Amanda Smith, LCSW, founder of HopeforBPD.com. Amanda is a highly skilled BPD and Dialectical Behavior Therapy expert, having helped countless clients through their recovery. She’s helped family members learn the necessary skills for helping their loved one best while also taking care of themselves. Amanda also provides treatment consultation. She is the author of two books:The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness PlannerThe Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for FamiliesIn this episode – part 1 of 2 – Amanda discusses the basics of BPD and how to get help. In next week’s episode – part 2 – she will focus on what families can do to help.Links & Other NotesHopeforBPDThe Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness PlannerThe Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness PlannerOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:34) - Amanda Smith (03:19) - Successes (04:12) - Trauma (06:20) - BPD vs. PTSD (08:18) - Emotion Disregulation (12:22) - Treatment (15:22) - In Parenting Cases (22:05) - On the Rise and More Acceptance? (24:11) - Resistant? (26:11) - Online Course (27:13) - Therapist Parameters (30:12) - Complicating Factors (32:51) - Amanda & Her Books (35:38) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Part 2

The slap heard around the world. Obviously this was a high conflict situation, but was it a one-off incident resulting from a highly stressed person, aka Will Smith? Or two highly stressed people, Smith and comedian Chris Rock? Or did either of them show signs of a potential high conflict personality?In this episode, Bill and Megan break it down.What could have been happening just before Will walked on stage?What impact did Chris Rock’s responses have on Will and on the situation?Were both of them exhibiting high conflict behaviors? Is there a history on either side showing a high conflict pattern?Did Chris use what ultimately was an EAR Statement?Were the consequences effectuated by the Academy effective?If not, what should happen to effect actual change in high conflict behavior?This is a behind-the scenes exploration into what could have been happening with Will Smith in this situation. We don’t diagnose. We don’t blame and shame. We just explore and focus on what to do next.Links & Other NotesBOOKSCalming Upset People with EARARTICLESCan High Conflict People Change?Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:23) - The Slap Heard Around the World (07:28) - Background (08:53) - Recognize and Adapt (12:06) - Chris Rock (14:00) - Breaking Down the Responses (19:15) - What Happened Next (23:12) - Consequences (29:56) - Wrapping Up (30:41) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Guest Amanda Smith

Continuing from the previous episode, Bill and Megan take a listener question about a high conflict situation in the workplace. Specifically, what do you do when actual high conflict people in management turn the “Bill Eddy” skills around and use them with others who are not high conflict.Megan and Bill explain how their new Conflict Influencer™ Certification program can help in situations like this.Links & Other NotesCONFLICT INFLUENCER™ CERTIFICATION COURSEBOOKSIt’s All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict PeopleARTICLESGetting to the Root of Conflict in Employment CasesAre High Conflict People Ruining Your Business?Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:22) - High Conflict Certification Course Recap (02:29) - Listener Question: HCPs in Healthcare (21:48) - The Course (29:31) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: More BIFF

High conflict situations in the workplace are increasing as workers return to the office. Global anxiety is higher than normal, and for those who may have a high conflict personality, the conflict may become even more unrestrained.In this episode, Megan and Bill introduce a new initiative undertaken by the High Conflict Institute to help organizations and companies deal with high conflict situations, high conflict employees/stakeholders/boards, or just about anyone. They discuss the need for advanced high conflict training and why it’s beneficial for entire organizations to learn the necessary skills to unite and and reduce conflict. They discuss this new initiative, the Conflict Influencer™ Certification program in detail, in this and the next episode.Links & Other NotesCONFLICT INFLUENCER™ CERTIFICATION COURSEBOOKSIt’s All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict PeopleARTICLESBullies at Work3 Do’s and Don’ts to Manage High-Conflict People at WorkOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:17) - High Conflict in the Workplace (04:45) - The Certification Course (12:16) - The Goal (25:58) - Reminders & Coming Up Next Week

A diagnosis of bi-polar disorder can be both devastating and liberating. Although such a diagnosis is unsettling because of the lifetime implications, it can also be a relief to have an answer and hope for a calmer future.In this episode, Bill and Megan are joined by Dr. Jay Lieberman, a retired surgeon in the podiatry field who was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder later in life than most — at age 60. As one might expect, his professional and personal life took some major hits after some harrowing events that wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t been suffering with an undiagnosed mental illness.Dr. Jay shares his journey – in a very transparent way – through the impacts of his behavior on his marriage, his career, and other relationships. It’s a journey marked with significant loss, but also with a great deal of new life, new purpose, forgiveness, and hope. Listen in as Bill and Megan talk with Dr. Jay about:the similarities and differences between bi-polar behaviors and high conflict behaviorsdomestic violence and incarcerationmedicationswhat and who were most helpfuladvice for members, friends, and colleagues regarding someone who may be exhibiting “high conflict” behaviors, whether from a bi-polar diagnosis or with a high conflict personalityhelping othersLinks & Other NotesGenieBee PublishingNational Suicide Prevention LifelineNational Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)BOOKSCalming Upset People with EARARTICLESEAR Statement Can Calm Anyone7 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People During This CrisisOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:51) - Meet Dr. Jay Lieberman (23:59) - What Worked (27:30) - High Conflict with Bipolar (32:44) - Extreme Behaviors (35:26) - Domestic Violence (36:03) - When It's Family (37:50) - Don't Tell Them Directly (38:51) - Respect and Suspect (42:56) - Dr. Lieberman's Book & Wrap Up (44:30) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict in the Workplace

Putin hasn’t stopped, as we predicted, and it doesn’t look like he’s going to stop. Is that because he’s backed into a corner? Because he’s trying to save face? Or because his malignant narcissism (yes, that means his narcissism grows over time) won’t allow him to stop?Bill and Megan continue their discussion about what has become one of the worst disasters not only in modern times but in all recorded history, driven by a man who is willing to do what 99.9999% of the rest of the world would never do. In our work we teach that high conflict people do things that 90% of other people would never do. In this case, it’s even more extreme. Although there are other malignant narcissists as political leaders across the globe, he’s the only one engaging in actions that 99.9999% of other people would never do.Listen as Bill and Megan discuss:what makes a malignant narcissist and whether Putin fits the description (although we’re not diagnosing him)what stops a malignant narcissistwhether Ukraine’s President Zelensky handling Putin’s narcissism in the correct mannerwhether NATO and other nations are handling Putin’s narcissism in the correct mannerBill’s book Why We Elect Narcissists and Sociopaths and How We Can Stop written in 2019 (he’s not different now in 2022, he’s just worse)the fantasy triad and whether/how it applies in this escalationhow much of this bad news is harmful for us to watchLinks & Other NotesBOOKSWhy We Elect Narcissists and Sociopaths ― and How We Can Stop5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeARTICLESPutin Attacking Ukraine: Is this Malignant Narcissism? If so, Can We Predict His Future Actions?How High-Conflict Politicians Turn Peace into WarOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:36) - Week Three (03:17) - What Is a Malignant Narcissist? (08:27) - Will He Stop? (10:15) - Suicide? (12:17) - Manipulations (15:11) - Zelensky's Leadership (16:36) - How Everyone's Handling Him (19:10) - Bill's Research for His Book (23:20) - How This Affects Us (28:57) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Dr. Jay Lieberman

Putin’s attack on Ukraine. Why is he doing it? What drives him to act with such ferocity to destroy a county, innocent civilians, children? In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss whether Putin is a malignant narcissist, what that means, and whether his future actions can be predicted with this knowledge.To get insight into this personality type and how it manifests in Putin’s framework, listen in as Bill and Megan discuss The Heart of Man: Its Genius for Good and Evil by Erich Fromm wherein Fromm explains malignant narcissism in leaders, along with these important notes:What do malignant narcissists want? Do they want unlimited power over others?Are malignant narcissists unusual and rare? Or do we find them in the workplace and in political leadership?Why is this happening now? Does Putin think he can get away with what he’s doing?Does he have the ability to stop himself?What is needed by Ukraine and by the world to stop him?This is one of our most important episodes — one that everyone should hear to gain an understanding of the realities of what the world is dealing with and what, if anything, can be done to stop him.Links & Other NotesBOOKS5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict PersonalitiesWhy We Elect Narcissists and Sociopaths―and How We Can StopARTICLESPutin Attacking Ukraine: Is this Malignant Narcissism? If so, Can We Predict His Future Actions?‘Yes, He Would’: Fiona Hill on Putin and Nukes: Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:30) - What is Malignant Narcissism? (06:11) - Diagnosis in public... for the public good. (09:47) - Have there been signals in public? (16:05) - Gaslighting (19:30) - The Nuclear Option (23:04) - What can we do? (25:36) - Why is this happening now? (27:20) - Ukranian Leadership (29:41) - Final Thoughts

In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss the use of EAR Statements to calm current conflicts experienced by people across the globe. Anger, accusations, and opinions flying everywhere. People having conversations that most would have not engaged in a few years ago but now seem to be unable to stop themselves. Megan starts off with a recent example from the show ‘Sister Wives’ about the need for the use of empathy in relationships and conversations.Bill explains what an EAR Statement is and how to use them in various scenarios in every day life, such as:reducing political polarizationarguments over vaccines, masks, and social distancing during this pandemicfamily and marital conflictcurriculums in your children’s schoolslaw enforcement encountersprotestscustomer serviceListen in and learn how to use EAR Statements in any walk of life.Links & Other NotesBOOKSCalming Upset People with EARARTICLESEAR Statement Can Calm Anyone7 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People During This CrisisOur websiteSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes on our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:41) - EAR Statements (04:25) - What Is EAR? (08:30) - EAR in a Non-High Conflict Situation (09:47) - Today's Conflicts (13:38) - An Example (16:09) - Using EAR in Today's Conflicts (20:31) - Using EAR Calming a Protest (27:05) - Listener Question (30:24) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Guest Dr. Jay Lieberman on Being Bi-Polar, with Domestic Violence

If you are curious about love and romance with challenging – or even toxic – partners, this is your opportunity to hear questions from our listeners and Bill’s and Megan’s answers. In this episode, they answer questions about:partners who make life hell for awhile and then can be okay and very loving for awhileextreme jealousy and whether it’s okay to allow partners to read your private texts and emailsthreats of financial and reputational ruin when the romance is about to endthreats of suicide to prevent a partner from breaking uplack of empathy as a sign of someone with a high conflict personalitywarning signs in the Jodi Arias caseMegan and Bill answer these questions and more in this final episode of the Dating Radar series.Links & Other NotesBOOKSDating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to "The One" Who Will Make Your Life Hell5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeDATING RADAR TEST & SURVEY RESULTSCOURSEConversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 Experts: A 6-PART VIDEO SERIES on Domestic Violence (DV) / Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) best practices in the family law environment in the United States and CanadaARTICLESDating Radar: Your X-Ray Vision In A New RelationshipPossible HCP kills former boss, insures lawyer after mediationSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:49) - Dating Radar Q&A (02:18) - Question 1 (04:47) - Question 2 (10:49) - Question 3 (19:22) - Question 4 (22:40) - Question 5 (26:21) - Question 6 (32:09) - Final Thoughts (34:03) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: The Current Conflict Atmosphere

Watch Those Blind Spots!The very qualities that help us fall in love can at the same time be the on-ramp for the highway to hell. Avoiding a high-conflict relationship requires looking beyond attraction, chemistry, availability & compatibility, and recognizing your own particular blind spots.Bill and Megan talk about three types of ‘blind spot’ fact-finding and how to understand how your vulnerabilities can blind you.Links & Other NotesBOOKSDating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to "The One" Who Will Make Your Life Hell5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeDATING RADAR TEST & SURVEY RESULTSARTICLESDating Radar: Your X-Ray Vision In A New RelationshipSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:46) - Avoiding Toxic Relationships a (03:20) - Why Our Brain Says Yes (04:25) - Low Self-Esteem (06:03) - Loneliness or Grieving (08:08) - Naïve Beliefs (12:36) - Mistaking Warning Signs for Love (27:18) - Last Thoughts (34:34) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Dating Radar Q&As

In the first episode of this Dating Radar four-part series, Megan and Bill discuss how people with high conflict personalities (HCPs) can destroy your life. In this episode, listen in as they discuss how HCPs jam your radar. We’d all like to think we’re wise to it, but there are several factors that make us susceptible, which Megan and Bill discuss.They delve into a Dating Radar survey with over 650 responses from people who have been in high conflict romantic relationships. Respondents shared their experiences and lessons learned, including the “spark” that should have been a red flag but was experienced as a sign of true love and compatibility. And Bill and Megan also discuss the issue of fake compatibility often experienced by those who fall for HCPs.This series is for everyone, but especially for young people or parents of young people who need to pay attention to dating radar before it’s too late.Links & Other NotesBOOKSDating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to "The One" Who Will Make Your Life HellARTICLESDating Radar: Your X-Ray Vision In A New RelationshipDating RadarDATING RADAR TEST & SURVEY RESULTSSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:09) - Dating Radar (03:50) - Survey Question – That Spark! (09:18) - The Power of Desperation (11:54) - Charm (16:15) - Compatibility (18:29) - Overt Sexuality (22:22) - Protectiveness (27:05) - Other Attractive Qualities (29:50) - Quick Tips (31:30) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Blind Spots

There are people you shouldn’t marry, have children with, or have a financial entanglement – people with high conflict personalities. They blame, gaslight, lie, deny, make false allegations, and some will seek to destroy you or your reputation.These are relationship destroyers – the people who can ruin your life and make you wish you’d never had children with them.So why do we get involved with them? Why does the brain say ‘yes’ to people who will make your life a living hell? It’s because we don’t have good dating radar and we don’t think we are so stupid that we’d fall into such a horrible relationship.Megan and Bill discuss the five high conflict personality types and how they behave in romantic relationships, including:Borderline HCPsNarcissistic HCPsAntisocial (sociopath) HCPsHistrionic HCPsParanoid HCPsCaveat: Not everyone with these personality disorders has a high conflict personality, but some do. How can you tell? They are the blamers, and they’re no fun in relationships. Listen in as Megan and Bill start this four-part series on Dating Radar.Links & Other NotesBOOKSDating Radar (paperback, audio, e-book)DATING RADAR TEST & SURVEY RESULTSARTICLESDating DenialDating Radar: Your X-Ray Vision In A New RelationshipSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:06) - Dating Radar (05:31) - What Is an HCP? (07:16) - Narcissistic Personalities (09:32) - Borderline Personalities (14:37) - Histrionic Personalities (17:06) - Paranoid Personalities (18:30) - Antisocial Personalities (21:23) - Overlap (23:35) - The Survey (33:43) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: How HCPs Jam Your Radar

The challenge of being emotional creaturesDid you know that emotions are contagious? We like to think we are in complete control of our emotions, but lots of research shows that emotions are contagious and it’s how we handle our own emotions once we’re emotionally hooked.In this episode we’ll break down emotion contagion. If you’re a brain nerd like us, or you simply want to have a better understanding of human behavior and the impact of unmanaged emotions on others, you’ll enjoy this episode. Specifically, we’ll discuss:Can you get emotionally “hooked?” and “unhooked?”How exactly are emotions contagious? How does that work in our brains?Can emotions lead us to make bad decisions?How do High Conflict People deal with emotions?How do High Conflict People communicate differently using their emotions?Are emotions part of why we have such angry polarization today in families and in politics?What can we do to calm down emotionsLinks & Other NotesBOOKSBIFF for everyoneBIFF for Coparent CommunicationBIFF for WorkplaceCalming Upset People with EARON DEMAND COURSEThe Brain 101: For Lawyers & AnyoneWho Are High Conflict People?ARTICLESManaging EmotionsKeep the Conflict Small! (With Managed Emotions)Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:42) - Emotionally Hooked & Unhooked (05:22) - Getting Hooked (07:16) - Emotional Persuasion (13:13) - In the Brain (21:33) - Emotions Leading to Bad Decisions (24:48) - HCPs Dealing With Emotions (27:57) - Communicating with Emotions (29:23) - Polarization (34:40) - Calming Emotions (36:46) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: HCPs in Love

You’ve got questions. We’ve got answers.In this episode we host our very first Q & A Lab where we answer your questions about high conflict people. We focus on three questions:Narcissists who get it backwards What do you do when they turn it around and accuse you of being the narcissistic HCP?Bosses who complain and blame e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y) What do you do to get your HCP boss to stop?Parents who blame and make extreme accusations, such as kidnapping What do you do in the aftermath?Listen in as we answer your questions by identifying whether it’s a high conflict behavior or not, providing insight into the behaviors, and making suggestions for handling them.We’ll be doing a monthly Q & A Lab. Submit your questions anytime!Links & Other NotesBOOKSIt’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict People (Paperback or e-Book)Calming Upset People with EAR: How Statements Showing Empathy, Attention and Respect Can Quickly Defuse a Conflict (Paperback or e-Book)Don’t Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict Divorce (Paperback or e-Book)AUDIOManaging High Conflict Situations in the Workplace: For EmployeesARTICLESManaging Your Narcissistic Boss7 Tips for Managing Your Narcissistic BossSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:58) - Q&A Lab (02:33) - Question One (07:44) - Question Two (20:22) - Question Three (27:06) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict Emotions

Domestic ViolenceMegan and Bill are joined by the Honorable Karen Adam and Annette Burns to discuss domestic violence. This is part two of this conversation.Links & Other NotesTHE VIDEO THAT WAS DISCUSSED IN THE EPISODEConversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 ExpertsBIOSBios for Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., Honorable Karen Adam, and Annette Burns, J.D.DOMESTIC VIOLENCE EXPERTS INTERVIEWED IN THE VIDEOAbi Ajibolade, Executive Director, The Redwood, Toronto, OntarioAmy G. Applegate, JD, Clinical Professor of Law, Maurer School of Law, Indiana University, Bloomington, IndianaLinda Bortell, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist, Bortell Psychological, Inc., Los Angeles, CaliforniaMelissa Brickhouse-Thomas, LCSW, Manager, Victim Services, Glendale Police Dept., Glendale, ArizonaGabrielle Davis, JD, Legal and Policy Advisor, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, MinnesotaLoretta M. Frederick, JD, Senior Legal & Policy Director, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, MinnesotaAnna Harper-Guerrero, LMSW, Executive Vice President & Chief Strategy Officer, Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse, Tucson, ArizonaAmy Holtzworth-Munroe, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Dept. of Psychological & Brain Science, Indiana University, Bloomington, IndianaHilary A. Linton, JD, LLM, Mediator, President, Family Mediation Services (mediate393) Toronto, OntarioJan Maiden, JD, Family Law/Domestic Violence Attorney, Law Office of Jan Maiden, San Diego, CaliforniaWendy Million, City Magistrate, Tucson City Court Domestic Violence Court, Tucson, ArizonaCharles A. Sawchenko, MSW, Police Lieutenant (Ret), Delaware State Police, Dover, DelawareWilliam Spiller, Jr., JD, Family Lawyer and Minor’s Counsel, Law Offices of William Spiller, Jr., Los Angeles, CaliforniaNancy Ver Steegh, MSW, JD, Professor of Law, Mitchell Hamline School of Law, St. Paul, MinnesotaNeil Websdale, PhD, Director, Family Violence Center, Arizona State University, Tempe, ArizonaDavid Wexler, PhD, Director, Relationship Training Institute, San Diego, CaliforniaSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:44) - Part II: Domestic Violence in Family Law (02:23) - Why Screen Cases for DV (06:52) - Importance for Courts to See Full Picture (10:16) - Avoiding Bias (13:47) - Impacting Cases (17:42) - Therapists' Role (22:25) - Mediation (26:01) - Dealing With Children's Concerns (34:31) - Parenting Plans (37:09) - Treatment (39:14) - Self-Care (43:50) - If You're Currently in a DV Situation (45:27) - Coming Next Week: Listener Questions

Domestic ViolenceMegan and Bill are joined by the Honorable Karen Adam and Annette Burns to discuss domestic violence. This is part one of this conversation.Links & Other NotesTHE VIDEO THAT WAS DISCUSSED IN THE EPISODEConversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 ExpertsBIOSBios for Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., Honorable Karen Adam, and Annette Burns, J.D.DOMESTIC VIOLENCE EXPERTS INTERVIEWED IN THE VIDEOAbi Ajibolade, Executive Director, The Redwood, Toronto, OntarioAmy G. Applegate, JD, Clinical Professor of Law, Maurer School of Law, Indiana University, Bloomington, IndianaLinda Bortell, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist, Bortell Psychological, Inc., Los Angeles, CaliforniaMelissa Brickhouse-Thomas, LCSW, Manager, Victim Services, Glendale Police Dept., Glendale, ArizonaGabrielle Davis, JD, Legal and Policy Advisor, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, MinnesotaLoretta M. Frederick, JD, Senior Legal & Policy Director, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, MinnesotaAnna Harper-Guerrero, LMSW, Executive Vice President & Chief Strategy Officer, Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse, Tucson, ArizonaAmy Holtzworth-Munroe, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Dept. of Psychological & Brain Science, Indiana University, Bloomington, IndianaHilary A. Linton, JD, LLM, Mediator, President, Family Mediation Services (mediate393) Toronto, OntarioJan Maiden, JD, Family Law/Domestic Violence Attorney, Law Office of Jan Maiden, San Diego, CaliforniaWendy Million, City Magistrate, Tucson City Court Domestic Violence Court, Tucson, ArizonaCharles A. Sawchenko, MSW, Police Lieutenant (Ret), Delaware State Police, Dover, DelawareWilliam Spiller, Jr., JD, Family Lawyer and Minor’s Counsel, Law Offices of William Spiller, Jr., Los Angeles, CaliforniaNancy Ver Steegh, MSW, JD, Professor of Law, Mitchell Hamline School of Law, St. Paul, MinnesotaNeil Websdale, PhD, Director, Family Violence Center, Arizona State University, Tempe, ArizonaDavid Wexler, PhD, Director, Relationship Training Institute, San Diego, CaliforniaSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:40) - Dealing With Domestic Violence (03:27) - Meet Our Guests (05:24) - Impetus Behind DV Video Series (06:19) - Overall Objective (07:31) - Surprises (08:54) - Karen's Motivation (12:46) - Survivor vs. Victim (15:56) - Annette's Motivation (18:28) - Biggest Issues in Divorce & Co-Parenting (28:40) - Intimate Partner Violence vs. DV (30:50) - Coercive Control (33:20) - HCPs (40:19) - Last Words (41:58) - Coming Next Week: Part 2

Do you love reading thrillers and mysteries? Or binging shows like Dexter on Netflix? If you do, you’re going to love this episode! We’re interviewing our very first podcast guest, Dr. Todd Grande, who is the author of Harm Reduction, a thriller of extraordinary psychological depth that explores the interactions of a therapist, a narcissistic serial killer, and a detective. Their lives intertwine and revolve around leveraging and holding a secret.Dr. Grande is a content creator on YouTube, with 950k subscribers (he’ll likely reach 1 million before this episode airs). On his channel, he discusses the details of various news events, court cases, celebrities, serial killers, personality theory, mental health and much more.Dr. Grande joins Bill and Megan on this episode to discuss his new book and to take a deep dive into the pathology of serial killers. Are they all narcissistic? Sociopaths? Psychopaths? All of the above? What are intricacies of various types, and do they overlap with other types of mental illness. For example, have you ever wondered about serial killers who also have OCD? Dr. Grande and Bill will discuss the personality types, led by Megan who will also discuss Dr. Grande’s other books, a series titled The Notorious Series. They will talk about:The Psychology of Notorious Serial Killers (2021)The Psychology of Notorious Church Killers (2022)The Psychology of Notorious Celebrity Deaths (2022)Don’t miss this fascinating talk with Dr. Grande.Links & Other NotesHARM REDUCTIONTHE PSYCHOLOGY OF NOTORIOUS SERIAL KILLERSTHE PSYCHOLOGY OF NOTORIOUS CHURCH KILLERSTHE PSYCHOLOGY OF NOTORIOUS CELEBRITY DEATHSYOUTUBE CHANNELDr. Todd GrandeSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:42) - Dr. Todd Grande and His Book Harm Reduction (03:56) - What's It About? (04:46) - Why These Characters? (06:49) - Narcissistic Serial Killers (11:15) - Clusters A, B, & C (15:19) - Low Numbers (17:34) - Addiction (18:15) - Tech and Serial Killers (20:32) - Cues to Watch For (23:01) - Dramatic Interests (23:31) - Lack of Empathy (26:12) - Serial Killer Character in Book (28:41) - Not First Person (30:38) - Inspiration for Writing Fiction (31:54) - What would a mental health clinician learn from this book? (34:08) - Any Follow-Up Planned? (35:59) - Movie Adaptation? (36:39) - Wrapping Up (37:11) - The Notorious Series (42:13) - Closing (42:58) - Coming Next Week: Domestic Violence in Relationships 2-Part Interview

What causes conflict? Differing ideas and opinions do, but most people can manage it, although extraordinary circumstances, time pressures and stress can click the conflict dial to max for just about anyone. But when you’re dealing with someone with a high conflict personality, you can expect the any gathering, especially holidays gatherings, to have some dramatic or even explosive situations.In the 2020-21 global pandemic, most people are on edge. Anxiety is high. Arguments over the efficacy of masks; whether vaccines will save you, harm you or kill you; lockdowns as a necessity or a loss of fundamental human rights. These are all important topics and impact almost everyone but only a fraction will end up shouting, slamming doors, ending conversations, throwing phones, and telling you that you’re wrong. It doesn't matter what the topic is, people with high conflict personalities will likely create some conflict around it.This episode focuses on how to handle the person who wants to discuss and debate over the dinner table. Bill Eddy will give his best tips for shutting those conversations down in an non-confrontational way that will save your sanity and keep the conflict low through the holidays.The second half of the episode deals with handling loneliness during the holidays, as many parents, grandparents and even kids spend them alone, isolated from the people they love. Whether a regular divorce keeps you from your kids, or a high conflict divorce with alienation has kept you from them for a long time — it’s hardest to cope during the holidays. Bill and Megan touch on these sensitive topics with some helpful information to help you through the holidays and beyond.Links & Other NotesBOOKSCalming Upset People with EARBIFFBIFF for CoParent CommunicationThe Courage to FeelThe High-Conflict Co-Parenting Survival GuideONLINE COURSECalming Upset People with an EAR StatementARTICLESEAR Statements for the HolidaysHandling High Conflict Situations During the HolidaysHandling High Conflict Situations During the HolidaysHow to Survive the Holidays with an Anti-Social RelativeSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:42) - Holiday Conflict (02:34) - Tips to Stop Holiday Conflict (08:54) - Assumptions (09:53) - One More Tip (10:37) - A Family of Multiple HCPs (12:24) - The Overly Sensitive Person (14:34) - The Narcissist (15:50) - When Alone (24:59) - HCP Whiplash (27:54) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Dr. Todd Grande

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an often misunderstood and unfairly maligned mental health issue. Years of misinformation on the Internet, filled with scary details or an impossible life cast a dark shadow. Unfortunately, those who struggle with it would be helped if more people understood what it is and how to help. Many with BPD tend to isolate, but those who also blame may have a borderline high conflict personality.What is it like on the other side of the relationship? What do you do when faced with explosive rage? How do you handle the mood swings and need for constant attachment? What do you do when someone you love seems beyond help? Or how do you help your client in the best way when it seems they sabotage their own case?This type of personality is driven by a fear of being abandoned, so the rules of their operating system direct them to try to remain connected with the people closest to them. Once their fear button is triggered, whether perceived or real (it feels very real to them), their mood can take a wild swing, which is when high conflict behaviors surface: blame, all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged intense emotions and extreme behaviors. Sadly, this can drive people away, unless you develop some skills to help you manage the relationship. Without diagnosing or labeling, Bill and Megan discuss the borderline high conflict personality type, including:What it means to feel abandonedWhat this looks like in relationshipsHow past trauma may cause or contribute to the development of a borderline high conflict personalityHow to identify someone who may have a borderline high conflict personalityTips for interactions that will help everyone involvedStatistics on Borderline Personality Disorder in the U.S.There’s a gift side to every person, including those with a borderline high conflict personality, but becoming aware and educated are keys to helping them and helping yourself. In this episode, we explore the borderline high conflict personality — the final in the ‘five types of people’ series. In the previous four episodes we talked about Narcissistic, Antisocial, Paranoid, and Histrionic HCPs (high conflict people). Listen in as Bill and Megan explore the basics of this personality type. You will likely learn something new, gain some insight and a few basic tips on managing relationships with them that benefit everyone.Links & Other NotesBOOKS5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeCalming Upset People With EARBait and Switch: Saving Your RelationshipThe Big Book on Personality DisorderThe Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for FamiliesThe Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness PlannerARTICLESCan Relationships with People who have Borderline Personalities be Saved?7 Tips for Working with Clients with Borderline Personality DisorderUnderstanding Borderline Personality Disorder in Family Law CasesSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (00:55) - Borderline Personality Disorder (06:38) - What Is BPD? (09:19) - Main Characteristics (13:41) - BPDs vs. Borderline HCPs (15:53) - What does High Conflict mean? (17:46) - Stats (21:10) - Bipolar vs. Borderline HCPs (26:02) - Where does it come from? (29:51) - Relationships with BPDs (34:55) - Empathy (37:59) - Jealousy (40:03) - Summary (41:35) - Is there hope? (46:26) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Listener Questions

Ever been around someone who was ultra-suspicious? Not just the typical accusatory behaviors, but someone who suspects conspiracies against them or that someone doesn’t like them or feels a certain way about them ... all based on an assumption or jumping to conclusions from a facial expression? Well, you just may have been around someone with a paranoid high conflict personality.This type of personality is driven by a fear of being betrayed, so the rules of their operating system direct them to be suspicious of others. Once their fear button is triggered, whether perceived or real (it feels very real to them), they attack first. The behaviors of those with high conflict personalities all come out at that time: blame, all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, and extreme behaviors. Bill and Megan discuss the paranoid high conflict personality type, including:Their need to be in control of their surroundings and fear of being betrayed and need to hold grudgesThe differences between paranoid high conflict personality and other paranoiasHow to spot people who may have a paranoid high conflict personalityTips for interacting with them, using an EAR Statement™ and BIFF Response®Statistics on Paranoid Personality Disorder and Paranoid HCPs in the U.SBeing around someone like this can wear on your nerves and become draining, but it doesn’t have to. In this episode, we continue talking about the five types of people who can ruin your life. In the previous three episodes we talked about Narcissistic, Antisocial and Histrionic HCPs, or high conflict people. In this episode we are talking about Paranoid HCPs. This one has always been a little confusing for people because the other four types can also appear to have paranoia, and other mental health disorders may also experience the same. Paranoid Personality Disorder is a little different.Links & Other NotesBOOKS5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeIt’s All Your FaultCalming With EARBIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict PeopleARTICLESPossible HCP kills former boss, insures lawyer after mediationCan high conflict people change?Compassion for high conflict peopleSubmit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (01:42) - Paranoid HCPs (02:25) - What is Paranoid Personality Disorder? (08:35) - Paranoia in HCPs (09:48) - Stats (10:24) - How They Present Themselves (11:48) - The Fear That Drives Them (12:47) - Relationships With Paranoids (14:30) - Social? (18:05) - In the Workplace (20:05) - What NOT to Do (21:11) - Revenge (22:08) - In Summary (25:06) - Dealing With Paranoid HCPs (28:19) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Borderline HCPs