Interior Integration for Catholics

Through a dramatic representation, quotes, and examples, I walk you through how six dimensions of what it means for you to love yourself and others. By bringing in the pioneering work of IFS therapist Derek Scott, we will explore how different parts within you respond to grief and loss in so many different ways. Lead in: Lead-in Intro Letter Ron's reactions Intro We are together in this great adventure, this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am honored to be able to spend this time with you. I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, we are taking on the tough topics that matter to you. We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith. Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com Today's episode, number 82 is entitled "The Many Faces of Grief Inside Us and it's released on August 23, 2021 Heard a reenacted story about Ronald and Vivian Meerkamp, and I’ll be using that clip throughout todays episode to add depth and examples to the concepts In the last episode, Episode 81, we broached There is so much misinformation out there about grief. So many myths, so many misconceptions to clear up. Why is that? We're going to answer that question with the professional research, the best of psychological theory, with Scripture, with poetry, with examples and with quotes to help you understand the experience of grief -- your grief and the grief of others. Why should we learn about grief? Earl Grollman sums it up like this: Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. If we love, we will grieve. Part of loving well is grieving well. If we flee from grief, we will also flee from love. You can't love without eventually grieving Last episode, I mentioned how our understanding of grief can be limited by assuming we have a single, homogenous monolithic personality. Today I'm going to share with you a much deeper and richer way to understand grief. From Episode 72 What Keeps You from Loving? Is it Really Only Your Vices? Discussion of Dimensions of Understanding Others or Ourselves. -- We will get into that more today. 0 Dimensions -- single point in space -- geometry, no dimensionality. Personalizing it -- you are nothing to me. No separate identity, not even really human, invisible -- the person doesn't exist for you. “Love is not cold and what is cold is not love.” ― Marty Rubin “Science may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all -- the apathy of human beings.”― Helen Keller “Indifference is more truly the opposite of love than hate is, for we can both love and hate the same person at the same time, but we cannot both love and be indifferent to the same person at the same time.” ― Peter Kreeft, Prayer For Beginners Examples: Emotional detachment: Ron -- fear of loss. 1 Dimension -- line Only one quality -- very self-referential, the person in orbit around me and my needs. Often only a functional dimension, or not meeting a function “That politicians who smiled at us and kissed our babiesblue eyes shining with triumphwell knew we were fallinginto our graveskicked by themas they countedour votes.”― Alice Walker, Taking the Arrow Out of the Heart “What we do see depends mainly on what we look for. ... In the same field the farmer will notice the crop, the geologists the fossils, botanists the flowers, artists the colouring, sportsmen the cover for the game. Though we may all look at the same things, it does not all follow that we should see them.” ― John Lubbock, The Beauties of Nature and the Wonders of the World We Live in For Vivian: In her pain and loneliness, part of her takes over reduces Ron to one dimension: cold, distant, ignores me -- reduces Ron to one dimension -- in order to protect herself from him. For Ron blended with his angry part who is protecting him from agonizing pain from abandonment: Vivian is a Betrayer -- She betrayed me, she is a traitor, a backstabber, she hurts me. Still very personalized, very self-referential2 Dimensions -- plane -- starts to be a little Less personal, less self-referential Cardboard Cutout-- person has a shape, not well understood. Ron ignores me and is self absorbed. But it's because of his job. He shuts down emotions because of what he sees as a detective “It is a well-worn truth that cops grow callous, a cliché so tattered that it is even common on television. All cops face things every day that are so gruesome, brutal, and bizarre that no normal human being could deal with them on a daily basis and stay sane. And so they learn not to feel, to grow and maintain a poker-fa

If we love deeply, we're going to grieve deeply. It's inevitable. And it's that simple. So together, let's understand and experience grief better in order to love better. In this episode, I review the popular models of grief with their strengths and limitations, illustrating them through poetry, quotes, and evaluating them with the best of the psychological research. Lead-in: We are going to start out with a simple truth. We Catholics get close to people. We get close to people We form deep, intimate bonds with our Parents, siblings, spouses, children, our friends -- all those we love. Last weekend, I was at my grandson's baptism. Tiny little guy, names William Peter.I'm not super sentimental, not one to just burst into intense emotion at the drop of a hat, but holding him and talking with him. I could feel the bond developing. He's really growing on me. My first grandson. William Peter. I told myself I wasn't going to be one of those fawning grandfathers that shows the pictures around to everyone and prattles on about grandchildren, but here I am, bringing it up in a podcast episode. I love that little guy. I really do, I've been surprised at how quickly that all developed. We form deep intimate bond with people. And that's a great privilege, an honor, a sacred thing. October 29, 2017 before the Angelus Prayer, Pope Francis Indeed, we were created to love and to be loved. God, who is Love, created us to make us participants in his life, to be loved by him and to love him, and with him, to love all other people. This is God’s “dream” for mankind. But in this life there's a difficult side to that. The realities that entered the world with original sin. Inevitably, we lose at least some of these bonds, these connections -- in our fallen world, they are not permanent, they are temporary Parents die Some experience a romantic breakup -- or a divorce Estrangements, ties being cut And we experience the loss of someoneJandy Nelson succinctly sums up the mystery when she writes “Grief and love are conjoined—you don’t get one without the other.” My Constant Companion By Kelly Roper Grief is my companion,It takes me by the hand,And walks along beside mein a dark and barren land.How long will this lonesome journey last,How much more can my weary heart bear?Since your death, I’ve been lost in the fog,Too burdened with sorrow and care.People tell me my sadness will fade,And my tears will reach their end.Grief and I must complete our journey,And then maybe I’ll find happiness again. Talking to Grief by Denise Levertov Ah, Grief, I should not treat youlike a homeless dogwho comes to the back doorfor a crust, for a meatless bone.I should trust you. I should coax youinto the house and give youyour own corner,a worn mat to lie on,your own water dish. You think I don't know you've been livingunder my porch.You long for your real place to be readiedbefore winter comes. You needyour name,your collar and tag. You needthe right to warn off intruders,to considermy house your ownand me your personand yourself “So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” ― E.A. BucchianeriAnd we pay on a sliding fee scale as Orson Scott Card tells us “Life is full of grief, to exactly the degree we allow ourselves to love other people.” Grief -- after five episodes on suicide, it seemed like the next topic. Stay with me as we investigate grief…Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, I am so glad you are hear with me for these moments together, thank you for spending the time. As you know, I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic you are listening to the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast, where we don't hesitate to take on the tough topics that matter to you. We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith. Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com Today's episode, number 81 is entitled "Grieving is the Price We Pay for Loving" and it's released on August 16, 2021 We are broaching the big topic of grief. We touched on it briefly way back in episode 15, but now we're getting into much more detail. There is so much misinformation out there about grief. So many myths, so many misconceptions to clear up. Why is that? We're going to answer that question with the professional research, the best of psychological theory, with Scripture, with poetry, with examples and with quotes to help you understand the experience of grief -- your grief and the grief of others. Why should we learn about grief? Earl Grollman sums it up like this: Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. If we love

Through dramatic reenactments, experiential exercises and the best of available resources, Dr. Peter brings you critical information to help you better love those near you who are struggling with suicidal thoughts and impulses. Learn how to be a much better first responder in these situations and to be a bridge to additional resources for your loved ones who are considering suicide. Lead-in: Imagine a young man, a teenager you care about, one you really love, a family member or friend, or the son of a friend, comes to you, in distress, and he shares this with you -- listen closely as he tells you what's on his heart. [insert script]. So now you have this upset, desperate man in front of you, who wants to be dead. What do you do? How do you handle this situation? But before we go there, let's start with you. We created a scenario to evoke what might come up in real life when your encounter a loved one who is suicidal. What do you notice going on inside you right now? What is happening in your body?Emotions?Assumptions or beliefs about yourself?Memories, desires, impulses. Replay the last clipWhat are parts of you saying to you about you right now?Really pay attention to those messagesI will make a bold claim here -- the number one thing you struggle with in being a first responder to a loved one with suicidal levels distress is [drum roll] your own internal experience. The problem you have is not so much inside the distressed loved one. The problem you have is inside of you, deep within you. You get wrapped up in our own fear, shame, guilt, anger, or your own sense of inadequacy. Did you feel any of that that in this example, confronted with this teenager in such distress, who feels so strongly the desire to die? Did you feel uncomfortable, on edge, uncertain? Anxious? Ineffective, inadequate? Responsible, but not knowing what to do? Did you experience any self-criticism? Any of those experiences? If so, you’ve come to the right place. I can help with that. [Insert Intro] Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, I like being together with you in this whole adventure, as we learn about suicide and what to do about it, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. I am Dr. Peter Malinoski,, passionate Catholic first and clinical psychologist as well, and you are listening to the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast. Thank you for being here with me. Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com This is the fifth in our series on Suicide. In episode 76, we got into what the secular experts have to say about suicide. In episode 77, we reviewed the suicides in Sacred Scripture, in the Bible. In episode 78, we sought to really understand the phenomenological worlds of those who kill themselves -- what happens inside? How can we understand suicidal behaviors more clearly, dispelling myths and gripping on to the sense of desperation and the need for relief that drives so much suicidal behavior. And in the last episode, number 79, we took a deep dive into the devastating impact of suicide on the parents, spouses, children, siblings, and friends who were left behind. Today's episode, number 80 is entitled "How to Help a Loved One Who is Suicidal." We are getting into the nitty-gritty of what do you do when someone you are close to is suicidal? In short, how do you love someone who is so distressed, so desperate, that they are seriously considering killing themselves?First a brief caveat -- I can't, in a single podcast episode, train you to be a crisis intervention specialist. That takes dedicated training. But you know what? Most people with these suicidal levels of distress don't seek out crisis intervention specialists or therapists or counselors first. They go to the people they know. They go to the people whom they hope and believe will love them. They go to you. What you'll learn today is for your own information, to help you understand what's going on and how best to act as a first responder and a bridge to long-lasting help that can heal. Love your neighbor as yourself. Diliges proximum tuum tamquam teipsum. Inflection of dīligō (second-person singular future active indicative) The second great commandment. Love your neighbor as yourself. Diliges proximum tuum. Love is a verb, an action. So what if our neighbor is the teenager from our lead in today? How do we love a suicidal person? How do we love her? Definition of Love -- Charity -- caritas. Benevolence -- bonae voluntatis in Latin, good will. Capacity Understanding the other Operating in the mode of the receiver Dependent on us understanding ourselves Mistaking what is coming from who Unconsciousx Capacity to choose the good -- Freedom. Well-governed self Regulated Organized Calm. Compassionate Good human formation Possessing virtues Possessing the knowledge and

Dr. Peter brings you inside the inner world of so many parents, spouses, children, and siblings of those who died by suicide. Through an imagination exercise, research, quotes from family members, and the Internal Family Systems model of the person, he invites you to a deeper understanding of other others experience a loved one's suicide. Lead-in The world is full of ‘friends’ of suicide victims thinking ‘if I had only made that drive over there, I could have done something.’ —Darnell Lamont Walker an artist; a writer, photographer, painter, and filmmaker. Ok, so we're continuing to discuss suicide here, we're taking on the tough topics And I want to start with a caution -- if you have lost a loved one to suicide, this episode may be really healing but it also may be really difficult. If you are raw and struggling with a death, be really thoughtful about when and how you listen to this. Pay attention to your window of tolerance and if it's too much right now, know that I respect that and I invite you to approach this topic in a way that is right for you, with help from a counselor, a spiritual director, a trusted friend, somebody you know. Also, this imagination exercise will be hard to really get into if you're driving or engaged in other activities. You can try it, but it's going to be really emotionally evocative for many people. I suggest that you create a good space to engage with Imagine looking through your front window and seeing a police cruiser pull up. One uniformed police officer gets out and a woman in plainclothes and they slowly walk to your door. They ring the doorbell. You open the door. The officer removes his hat and tucks it under his arm. The man seems nervous and clears his throat. The woman introduces herself and tells you she is the victims' assistance coordinator or something like that for your county. She asks your name. You give it. She asks if they can come inside and talk with you. "We have very difficult news for you," she says with sympathy in her brown eyes. Your heart stops beating. The officer looks away, he looks like he'd be anywhere else, rather than here with you. You let them in, now only vaguely aware of your surroundings, the shape your living room is in right now. From the couch, in a gentle, matter-of-fact and very calm manner , the victim service coordinator tells you that the one you so love, you so cherish in the world is dead. She names the name. Yes, it's verified. Yes, there is no mistake. How, how did this happen you ask. The officer explains the details of the citizens' reports called in earlier in the day. He was the first law enforcement officer on the scene, got there just before the EMTs, he had photographed the body, taken notes, conducted the brief investigation. His throat catches. There are tears in his eyes. He hates this part of the job. He tells a few details of the suicide scene. You need to know this, he says, I'm required to tell you. The woman reaches out her professional hand to you, offering her version of compassion. Observe what's going on inside you right now, as you enter into this scene in your imagination. What is happening in your body, your thoughts, you emotions, your impulses, your desires? Let yourself enter into this experience The victims' assistance coordinator is discussing a few details "Things I have to tell you" she says. Standard protocols in situations like this. Something about confirming the identity in the morgue, something else about an autopsy. Something about who you can lean on in your support network family and friends. Something about how hard this all is to take in at once. And there are some government forms to fill out. And a very nicely designed brochure entitled "Surviving the Loss of a Loved One to Suicide" that you get to keep for handy reference. Do you have any questions at this point she asks? Yes, we are sure it's your loved one. The identification was very clear, there is no mistake. Stay with this experience for just a minute if you can without losing your grounding. See if you can just accept what's going on inside -- and acceptance doesn't necessarily mean endorsement -- see if you can accept what's going on inside and really experience it -- the feelings, the impulses, the assumptions, the thoughts, the beliefs, the implications, whatever is coming up. Do you notice different parts within you? Different modes of being, maybe different messages coming to you? You may just have experienced a taste, a sip of the cup that 300,000 parents, siblings, children and spouses of those who die by suicide experience each year in the US, and millions worldwide. Hang on to what you learned about your reactions, keep it in mind as we dive deep into suicides devastating impact on those left behind. [Cue Intro Music] Opening Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, thank you for being here with me, it is good to be here with you, I am glad we are together as we face this difficult topic of suicid

Lead-in Almost no one understands suicide very well. Almost no one. Some of you might say -- but Dr. Peter, I've been really down and out. I've been really suicidal. I've been there. I lived it. Not gonna argue with you about having been suicidal. But having intense feelings, almost irresistible impulses toward suicide, constant suicidal thoughts -- that doesn't mean you understand suicide. Not at all.I don't think most people who have attempted suicide really understand their experience. I don't think most therapists really understand suicide. Why ? Because we're afraid to really enter into what is behind suicide. We don't want to go there. We're terrified of what lurks underneath. We have parts of us that don't want to understand. Lauren Oliver, Delirium “Suicide. A sideways word, a word that people whisper and mutter and cough: a word that must be squeezed out behind cupped palms or murmured behind closed doors. It was only in dreams that I heard the word shouted, screamed."And I'll go further than that. And it's not so much because we're afraid of what we'll find in another person, a friend or relative or colleague. It's because we are terrified that finding the darkness inside of others will wake up our own sleeping giants of darkness. The darkness inside us. The terror inside us. That's why we avoid, why we distract, why we skirt the edges of this topic. Benjamin Franklin knew this: Nine men in ten are would-be suicides -Poor Richard's Almanack. Freud popularized it in 1920 -- book the Pleasure Principle. -- he discussed the death drive: the drive toward death and destruction, often expressed through behaviors such as aggression, repetition compulsion, and self-destructiveness. Death drive or drives went by the name Thanatos -- the Greek god personified death. Caught a lot of flak for it, then and now. Not really widely accepted. I think he was on to something. Something we don't want to think about others -- that they have drives toward self-destruction. It's something that we don't want to admit about ourselves. If we are really honest with ourselves in looking at suicide we would realize, with John Bradford There but for the grace of God go I. We would give up our false presumptions about our own strength and our own natural resiliency. We would realize, with Shakespeare's Lord Chancellor in Henry VIII “We all are men, in our own natures frail, and capable of our flesh; few are angels.” ― Lord Chancellor William Shakespeare, Henry VIII We would understand Mahatma Ghandi when he said: “If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.” We would have a lot less judgement about the souls and experience of those who killed themselves. Yes, the action of suicide is wrong, gravely wrong, and we'll discuss that in next week's episode. We're not minimizing the gravity of the act -- I'm talking here about the phenomenological experience of those on the brink of self-destruction and why they are there. And we would understand something about the spiritual dimensions, the dark spiritual powers at work in suicide as well. I could be wrong about this, but I don't think you really have any accurate idea about suicide. Suicide is one of the most misunderstood of human actions. Because we want to avoid the churning darkness, the despair, the hopelessness, the alienation, the trauma within us, we don’t want to see it in others. And if someone near is suicidal, we know, we know instinctively that he is tapping into his despair, his hopelessness, his alienation. We know that our suicidal is really in the grip of her trauma and her isolation, and her excruciating pain. And our natural response -- is to flee. To get out of dodge. To protect ourselves. We rationalize it -- I'm not a professional, I'm not a counselor, I don't know what to do with all of this intensityOr we stay in there, we force ourselves to stay in relationship, feeling really inadequate, not wanting to go too deep, not wanting to screw it up -- and in our timidity and fear, we actually aren't very helpful. OK -- I will grant you that you don't really know what to do. And I get it that you're afraid -- maybe terrified. OK. This is a tough issue. Suicide is a tough issue. And tough issues are what we specialize in here. [Cue music]Intro Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, thank you for being here with me, thank you for making it through the lead in and not fleeing from this episode. I'm glad you and I are in this together. And it's going to be OK. By God's grace, together we can handle, we can work with, we can work through this topic of suicide. We'll do it together. I am clinical psychological Peter Malinoski and you are listening to the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast, where we take on the toughest topics, the ones others don't want to touch, and we go really deep with them. Why? Not out of some kind of idle curiosity. Not out of disorder curiosity, out of some kind of psychological voyeurism. No.

Dr. Peter walks with you through what Sacred Scripture has to teach us about suicide, exploring the major episodes of suicide in the Bible from a historical and psychological perspective, grounded in a Catholic worldview.

Storytime I want to take you back, back in time to a hot June night in 1980 and tell you a story about that time. [cue sound effect] I’m 11 years old and I'm recovering from a third spinal surgery after two previous cervical fusions failed. I’m feeling terrible. I'm in a dark, cold hospital room in a university hospital, just out of post-op and back on the pediatric unit 104 miles from home, immobilized in a full body cast and halo brace, recovering from puking from the general anesthetic, afraid that this surgery failed like the other two. My confidence in surgeons is at a low ebb. The room smells of antiseptic and isolation. Back in those unenlightened days, visiting hours were really limited, so my parents aren't there. But I'm not alone. My sick toddler roommate is lying face down in his crib, sobbing inconsolably. No one comes for him. “Nothing can be done for him -- this will pass,” the professionals had told me when I pressed the call button for him. So I don’t bother with the call button anymore. I can’t think of anything to do for him either. I feel like he does. We're both miserable. I am in the darkest hour of my life to that point. I'm beginning to wonder if the rest of my life will be a series of horrible, painful, failed surgeries, nighttime isolation and helplessness. So what does little Petey Guy do at the point? My aunt Marlene always used to call me Petey Guy when I was that age. Petey Guy starts to sing. Yes, that's right, I start singing. Do you know what I was singing? Was the 1959 Julie Andrews version of "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music? No it wasn't. The Beatles" 1969 classic "Here comes the Sun" by George Harrison? It was not. Was it the 1977 show tune "The Sun will Come out Tomorrow" from the musical Annie? Nope. Guess again. Gloria Gaynor's smash hit in 1977 "I will survive"? Wrong. "Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac, also in 1977? No. How about "Don't Stop Believin" by Journey -- that was it, right. Come on, people. "Don't Stop Believin" came out in 1981. We're in 1980. So chronologically, that wouldn't make sense. No, I was singing a different song, a darker song than any of those, a 1970 song with lyrics written by 14 year old Michael Altman, put to music by his father Robert Altman and sung by Johnny Mandel. A song written for the 1970 movie MASH. Some of you may be following this now. I was singing a song called Suicide is Painless. You're probably familiar with the tune. After the surprise success of the movie, Robert Altman chose it to be the instrumental opening for the hugely popular MASH comedy-drama series that ran on CBS from 1972 to 1983. So even though you know the tune, you might not be familiar with the gaunt, haunting, despairing lyrics. Here's the opening stanza: Through early morning fog I see Visions of the things to beThe pains that are withheld for meI realize and I can seeThat suicide is painlessIt brings on many changesAnd I can take or leave it if I pleaseSo a little backstory. My Grandpa Roberts had a magnus chord organ 1960's very popular, lots on the second hand market. Chords press a button with left hand, keyboard with the right. We had one too. Grandpa Roberts had a songbook of popular tune to play on the Magnus Chord Organ --- including Suicide is Painless I recognized the theme from MASH, and it was one of very few songs I learned to play on the Magnus Chord Organ, and I sang the lyrics as I played. But they didn't particularly resonate with me until that post-surgical night in 1980, in the dark, sick, and alone with the crying toddler when my 11 year old heart was so burdened and breaking. Nobody noticed my singing about suicide in the night -- my toddler roommate didn't seem to care. And it wasn't until almost 40 years later that I ever told anyone about it. Intro Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, thank you for being here with me. I no longer go by "Petey Guy," I am better known as clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski The reason this Interior Integration for Catholics podcasts exists is to help you toward loving God, neighbor and yourself in an ordered, healthy, holy way. -- It's about tolerating being loved, and about loving about living out the two great commandments to the hilt, with all of our being, it's about overcoming the natural obstacles to reaching more of our potential, both in the natural and the spiritual realms. Because we take on the tough topics in this podcast, today we are getting into the difficult and complex topic of suicide/ Suicide. Even the word can send shivers up the spine. This episode is titled IIC 76 The Black of Suicide -- What Do the Secular Experts Say? and it's released on July 12, 2021 Today we are looking at the best of current psychological and sociological research -- Episode 73. St. Augustine De Doctrina Christiana. Chapter 40 is a theological text on how to interpret and teach the Scriptures. Moreover, if those who are called philosophers, and especially the Platonists, have

And depression manifests itself in different ways depending on roles or functions that different parts Three major roles Exiles -- most sensitive -- these exiles have been exploited, rejected, abandoned in external relationshipsThey have suffered relational traumas or attachment injuriesThey hold the painful experiences that have been isolated from conscious awareness to protect the person from being overwhelmed with the intensity.They desperately want to be seen and known, to be safe and secure, to be comforted and soothed, to be cared for and lovedThey want rescue, redemption, healingAnd in the intensity of their needs and emotions, they threaten to take over and destabilize the person's whole being, the person's whole system -- they want to take over the raft to be seen and heard, to be known, to be understood. But they can flood us with the intensity of their experienceAnd that threatens to harm external relationshipsBurdens they carry: Shame, dependency, worthlessness, Fear/Terror, Grief/Loss, Loneliness, Neediness, Pain, lack of meaning or purpose, a sense of being unloved and unlovable, inadequate, abandoned, Depression. Exiles are parts that step in to carry the burden of depression so that depression doesn't overwhelm our system and incapacitate us. Protector parts exile the part burdened with depression -- toxicBut these exiles want to be heard, seen, known, understood. So they attempt to jailbreak, they want to get on the raft, they want to stop being submerged in the unconscious, under the water, they want to get on the raft, and the only way they know how to be accepted on the raft is to become king of the raft and overpower all the other parts. Then, they hope to be seen and known and heard and accepted and loved But because they blended, because they dominated, because they took over, there's no possibility to be in relationship inside with the self. They are now able to scream their pain and distress, but it doesn't get them what they want. When depressed exiles take over, they wind up shutting the system down Depressed mood Loss of interest/pleasure Weight loss or gain Insomnia or hypersomnia Psychomotor agitation or retardation Fatigue Feeling worthless or excessive/inappropriate guilt N Decreased concentration Thoughts of death/suicide: So exiles can bring the depression to the fore. But that is not the only way we become depressed. Managers These are the proactive protector parts. They work strategically, with forethought and planning to keep in control of situations and relationships to minimize the likelihood of you being hurt. They work really hard to keep you safe. controlling, striving, planning, caretaking, judging, Can be pessimistic, self-critical, very demanding. Managers can use symptoms of depression to try to keep us safe Depressed mood -- pessimism keep us from trying new thing and risking failure Loss of interest/pleasure -- keep us from enjoying a romantic relationship that might challenge usWeight loss or gain -- keeping us obese, in the hope that we don't attract others' attention so that we won't be raped again. Insomnia or hypersomnia -- protecting us from nightmares that exiles share when we sleep. Psychomotor agitation or retardation -- letting others know not to expect too much from usFatigue -- keeping us from lashing out or being aggressive with those that our exiles hate. Decreased concentration -- keeping us from being promoted to management, so we don't have to handle the difficulties of having subordinates at work. Firefighters When exiles break through and threaten to take over the system, like in Inside Out, remember the parts and the control panel? So when these exiles are about the break out, the firefighters leap into action. It's an emergency situation, a crisis, like a fire raging in a house. No concern for niceties, for propriety, for etiquette, for little details like that. Firefighter take bold, drastic actions to stifle, numb or distract from the intensity of the exile's experiences. Intense neediness and grief are overwhelming us! Emergency actions -- battle stations! Evasive maneuvers, Arm the torpedoes, Full speed ahead! No concern for consequences -- don't you get it, we are in a crisis, All kinds of addictions -- alcohol use, binge eating, shopping, sleeping, dieting, excessive working or exercise, suicidal actions, self-harm, violence, dissociation, distractions, obsessions, compulsions, escapes into fantasy, and raging. Depression as a tool for firefighters Remember firefighters are always reacting to an exile breaking out. Depressed mood -- intense depression, feeling really really sad so that we don't feel the crushing emptiness inside than an exile carries. Better to feel sadness than to feel a void of nothingness and to question whether or not I exist -- so there the firefighter is pursuing an integrity need of knowing that I exist, protecting against being swept away by the soul crushing nihilism of an exile burdened with a void, with th

Intro: It is good to be together, thank you for joining me today in this podcast episodeI want to take you back 40 years with me, more than 40 years, to 1981, and share with you an experience I had as a lad, share with you a story and images of that story that will help us understand the topic of today's podcast. So, without any further delays, its Story Time with Dr. Peter Its early July 1981, I'm 12 years old, really skinny, about 5 foot 5, 110 lbs, very nearsighted without my glasses swimming to the green raft with my swim buddy at Camp Onaway on the Waupaca Chain of Lakes, in central WisconsinTaking on the challenge. I'm the lowest form of life at Boys Brigade Camp 3, A first-year boy. I'm a FLIC-- A FLIC is an acronym that stand for "Fat Little Ignorant Camper" the term of affection, a sweet, ironic endearment bestowed on us by our fearless camp leaders. And I’m swimming out to the raft to test my mettle with the bigger boys. The high schoolers. The raft -- floating platform, 12 X 12, buoyed up by sealed 55 gallon drum, anchored in 12 feet of clear water and covered with green indoor-outdoor carpeting. That is the place where the game "King of the Raft" was played by the camp 3 FLICs of all ages and body shapes. The objective of King of the Raft was simple. To be the only boy left standing on the raft, with all challengers in the water. To do that, you want to push, pull, toss, hurl, lure or otherwise maneuver all the other boys off the raft. A sparse game would have six boys, a real showdown might have 24, ranging in age from the youngest at 12 to highly muscled 17 year old incoming high school seniors with mustaches. Very few rules and all of them were unwritten. The primary one was no dragging another boy along on the raft, because that indoor/outdoor carpeting can tear the skin right off your back or chest very quickly, especially if the victim is struggling with all his might, as he should be, and as was the norm, And no choking and no hitting or kicking anyone in the groin. That was about it. Otherwise it was a free for all, with shoving and pushing and lunging and clinging and teams of boys working together and alliances broken by Machiavellian tricks all for the great prize of being able to stand, alone, on the raft, with all your companions in the water and to beat your chest and yell with all your might at the top of your lungs, "I am the King of the Raft!"Now occasionally, a gargantuan 16 or 17 year old would dominate the raft and be obnoxious as king, and then two of the 20 or 30 something year old camp leaders would swim out to administer a form of camp justice and dethrone the obnoxious king by heaving him in a remarkable high trajectory to a watery landing many feet from the 144 square feet of green carpeted real estate. Then the game changed. Then it was get the leaders time and the game moved into another phase when all the fat little ignorant campers had a chance to take on the two leaders, and a battle royale ensued with the campers on one side and the leaders on the other. I did this for seven summers. From 1981 to 1987, five years as a camper and two years as a leader. And I learned a lot of life lessons on the raft, both as a skinny, vanquished, frequently airborne FLIC and as king. So I hope I was able to create a word picture for you, some images of what it was like on the raft at Camp Onaway on the Waupaca chain of lakes in the 1980s. We going to come back to the images of king of the raft later in the episode. Intro -- Welcome to Interior Integration for Catholics I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and the reason this Interior Integration for Catholics podcasts exists is to help you toward loving God, neighbor and yourself in an ordered, healthy, holy way. -- It's about tolerating being loved, and about loving. This podcast and especially the Resilient Catholics Community is a training ground for overcoming your natural level impediments, your psychological obstacles to accepting love from God and others and loving God, neighbor and ourselves in the best ways possible. It all about your human formation, all about shoring up your natural foundation for the spiritual life, all about training and equipping you to follow the two great commandments -- to love God with all your being, with every part of you, and to love your neighbor. This is Episode 74, Released on June 28, 2021 and titled Internal Chaos and Blending vs. Internal Peace and Integration Internal Chaos vs. Internal Peace Psychotherapist Peter Michealson describes how quote the unconscious mind of adults is buffeted by gale-force winds of emotional chaos that originated as an infantile effect decades earlier. Emotional associations from our distant past now buffet our life in incredible, mysterious, spectacular, and frequently painful and self-defeating ways. Emotions percolate and circulate in our unconscious mind with some degree of chaos. We all know what it’s like to be happy one moment, sad the next, with n

IntroductionThe Goals: We Catholics are to love God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind. With every fiber of our being, every last little bit of ourselves. To love God in every internal experience -- every thought, emotion, body sensation, intention, impulse attitude, belief, assumption, every desire -- every internal experience oriented toward loving God. Nothing within us oriented any other way. That's the challenge, that's what that commandment means. Fr. Jacques Phillipe: Searching for and Maintaining Peace -- may be my most favorite book In order that abandonment might be authentic and engender peace, it must be total. Must put everything, without exception, into the hands of God, not seeking any longer to manage or” to save” ourselves by her own means: not in the material domain, nor the emotional, nor the spiritual. We cannot divide human existence and the various sectors: certain sectors where it would be legitimate to surrender ourselves to God with confidence in others where, on the contrary, we feel we must manage exclusively on her own. And one thing we know well: all reality that we have not surrendered to God, that we choose to manage by ourselves without giving carte blanche to God, will continue to make us more or less uneasy. The measure of our interior piece will be that of our abandonment, consequently of our detachment. Page 37 No-go Zones. Wikipedia A "no-go area" or "no-go zone" is a neighborhood or other geographic area where some or all outsiders either are physically prevented from entering or can enter only at risk. God doesn't come in here. Compartmentalization, lack of integration. Recreational time -- not when I'm watching football, not when I'm playing poker, not when I'm gossiping with my friends. Work life -- dog eat dog world, highly competitive business, sometimes we have to do things we're not proud of…Sex life -- caught between my partner and my beliefsMy private attachments -- drinking, flirting, shopping -- whatever we are attached to. Deep shame. Deep rage. Deep Sadness, Deep fear. Inner darkness. Trauma Zones -- betrayal, abandonment, terror, --attempts to seal that all off, from everything and everyone in order to keep functioning, to keep on with daily activities. Intro -- Welcome to Interior Integration for Catholics I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here to help guide you toward loving God, neighbor and yourself in an ordered, healthy, holy way. And how do I do that? By focusing on your natural level impediments, your psychological obstacles to tolerated being loved and to loving God, neighbor and ourselves in the best ways possible it's all about your human formation It's all about shoring up your natural foundation for the spiritual life So many of our spiritual problems are really rooted in our human formation, our natural foundation for the spiritual life This is Episode 73, Released on June 21, 2021 and titled Is Internal Family Systems Really Catholic?I get this question a lot -- Internal Family Systems or IFS has exploded on the therapy scene, especially in the last 10 years and especially as a modality for working with trauma. It makes sense -- we don't want anything to keep us from God. Great contribution -- Synthesis of two paradigms Plural mind -- we all contain many different parts A mind in conversation with itself denotes a non-unitary, relational mind Internal dilemmas Systems thinking -- Dick was a therapist trained in family systems Bringing systems thinking inside is a tremendous advance for therapy On a par with Freud's popularization of the unconscious. God can reveal the glory of creation to people from all kinds of backgrounds Watson and Crick Discoverers of DNA -- very hostile toward Catholicism. A core self, protected from harm rich in all kinds of naturally endowed resources. But Richard Schwartz -- raised in an atheistic home, culturally Jewish -- he writes in the forward of Jenna Riemersma's Book "Altogether You." My father was a scientist who taught us that religion was at the root of many of the world's conflicts and slaughters . I maintained a skepticism about anything spiritual until I began exploring my clients' inner terrains and encountered their selfPhenomenological approach Definition Phenomenology is the study of structures of consciousness as experienced from the first-person point of view .-- an approach that concentrates on the study of consciousness and the objects of direct experience. Setting aside preconceived notions -- "privileging data over pride" p. 19 IFS Therapy 2nd ed. We can enter the unconscious and interact with it directly, asking questions about the desires, distortions, and agendas of the inner system. In response, our parts will answer clearly, take the client directly to crucial scenes from the past, and explain what is most important about their experience, removing the need for us to speculate, reframe, interpret, or instruct. T

The Pitch -- Opening Set the Scene Two Great Commandments What is the whole point of your life? What is your mission and purpose? What is the most important thing for you to do? Really think about that for a minute. What is your ultimate goal on this planet as a Catholic man or woman? All of us serious Catholics want to love God and neighbor. 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the law and the prophets.” Matthew 22:36-40 Mitch and Sri CCSS "Together, the two love Commandments sum up the Ten Commandments, three of which delineate our responsibilities toward God and seven of which concern our duties toward others." Luke 10:25-28 25 And behold, a lawyer stood up to put him to the test, saying, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” 26 He said to him, “What is written in the law? How do you read?” 27 And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul [being], and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.” 28 And he said to him, “You have answered right; do this, and you will live.”Highest obligation of every person. Romans 13:8-10 8 Owe no one anything, except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law. 9 The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not kill, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this sentence, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 10 Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.The Hurdle -- a problem we're all facing. Simple, right? But it's not that simple. My Catholic Life With this statement, Jesus gives a complete summary of the moral law found in the Ten Commandments. The first three Commandments reveal that we must love God above all and with all our might. The last six Commandments reveal that we must love our neighbor. The moral law of God is as simple as fulfilling these two more general commandments. But is it all that simple? Well, the answer is both “Yes” and “No.” It’s simple in the sense that God’s will is not typically complex and difficult to comprehend. Love is spelled out clearly in the Gospels and we are called to embrace a radical life of true love and charity. However, it can be considered difficult in that we are not only called to love, we are called to love with all our being. We must give of ourselves completely and without reserve. This is radical and requires that we hold nothing back.And that's the kicker -- to love God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind. With all of us. Think about what that means. Pablo Gadenz CCSS Luke "The idea is that the commandment to love God embraces every aspect of one's being." Every fiber of our being, every last little bit of ourselves. If we really think about this commandment -- what are the implications To love God in every internal experience -- every thought, emotion, body sensation, intention, impulse attitude, belief, assumption, every desire -- every internal phenomenological experience oriented toward loving God. That requires harmony inside. That requires interior integration for Catholics And Interior Integration for Catholics just happens to be the name of this podcast. And this whole podcast is all about helping to you to get so much closer to loving God and neighbor and yourself with your whole heart, your whole soul, your whole strength and your whole mind, with all of you -- and that is the whole mission of our online outreach Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com Intro -- Welcome to Interior Integration for Catholics I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here to help guide you toward loving God, neighbor and yourself in an ordered, healthy, holy way. And how do I do that? By focusing on your natural level impediments, your psychological obstacles to tolerated being loved and to loving God, neighbor and ourselves in the best ways possible That is the mission of this podcast -- it's all about your human formation and what you need on the natural level going forward in your life. John the Baptist is the patron saint of this podcast because he prepared the way for the Lord. I'm here to help you get ready by shoring up your natural foundation for the spiritual life This is Episode 72, entitled What Keeps You from Loving? Is it Really Only Your Vices? (Spoiler Alert: No!)Chess analogy -- so the two great Commandments are both simple and complex -- like chess. One Level -- Chess is a simple game -- the rules are really clear and can be learned in five minutes, and the trickiest part of the rules is castling -- rook/king switcheroo thi

Introduction Very autobiographical today, I'm going to tell you a lot about me and the mistakes I've made and how those mistakes have brought me to do this episode. I don't really like talking about myself -- not a lot of autobiographical material in previous episodesI especially don't like talking about myself all by myself in my little studio -- not being interviewed by a host -- the really Competent part of me thinks it's a little weird to be sharing details of my life and my struggles and my mistakes, not knowing who is listening because I haven't met most of you, those of you who are my listeners. I've checked in with the different parts of me and they are all good with it, I have at least grudging acceptance of the idea. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is called Interior Integration for Catholics, and it is part of Souls and Hearts our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor and ourselves. We're getting into that much more deeply now. This is episode 71, released on June 7, 2021, entitled A New and Better Way of Understanding Myself and Others. -- Beginning a brief series of episodes that takes the great insights of Internal Family Systems approaches to understanding the human person on a natural level, and reconciles them with the eternal truths of the Catholic faith. The Great Journey I could be considered "Highly successful" as a child and adolescent -- 4.0 GPA in High School, Valedictorian, Varsity letters in Track and Cross Country, I acted in high school musicals and plays, excelled in competitive solo-acting, was on the chess team, active in student government and I was a pretty good shot on the local pistol team -- I had a lot going for me. I continued that success from Northwestern University, graduating with honors, traveling the world, living in Seville, Spain for a year, romping around Mexico one summer. 1991 -- brought to my knees -- 22 years old, just left a high-demand group Catholic group -- strong sense of having been manipulated and used, exploited. Trying to figure out my own experience -- what just happened? Why so many contradictory thoughts and feelings? What was going on. Either I made a mistake in joining that group or I made a mistake in leaving it. Existential crisis -- A leader of the group told me that the founder once said that "he wouldn't give a nickel for the soul of any son who abandons his vocation the group." For the true believer, there was no viable way out.Common reason for getting into psychology - there's something to the meme. My models were not sufficient. I was not satisfied with superficial reasons For why I felt the ways I did For why I thought the ways I thought For why I acted the ways I did. In 1993, Began a Ph.D. program in clinical psychology -- the best that psychology had to offer. The Hunt for a Unitary PersonalityWe all want to understand ourselves 4 temperaments -- Encyclopedia Britannica: Humoral theories: 2500 years ago. Perhaps the oldest personality theory known is contained in the cosmological writings of the Greek philosopher and physiologist Empedocles and in related speculations of the physician Hippocrates. Empedocles’ cosmic elements—air (with its associated qualities, warm and moist), earth (cold and dry), fire (warm and dry), and water (cold and moist)—were related to health and corresponded (in the above order) to Hippocrates’ physical humours, which were associated with variations in temperament: blood (sanguine temperament), black bile (melancholic), yellow bile (choleric), and phlegm (phlegmatic). This theory, with its view that body chemistry determines temperament, has survived in some form for more than 2,500 years. According to these early theorists, emotional stability as well as general health depend on an appropriate balance among the four bodily humours; an excess of one may produce a particular bodily illness or an exaggerated personality trait. Thus, a person with an excess of blood would be expected to have a sanguine temperament—that is, to be optimistic, enthusiastic, and excitable. Too much black bile (dark blood perhaps mixed with other secretions) was believed to produce a melancholic temperament. An oversupply of yellow bile (secreted by the liver) would result in anger, irritability, and a “jaundiced” view of life. An abundance of phlegm (secreted in the respiratory passages) was alleged to make people stolid, apathetic, and undemonstrative. | Humor | Season | Ages | Element | Organ | Qualities | Temperament | Blood | spring | infancy | air | liver | warm and moist | sanguine | Yellow bile | summer | youth | fire | gallbladder | warm and dry | choleric | Black bile | autumn | adulthood | earth | spleen | cold and dry | melancholic | Phlegm | winter | old age | water | b

Intro: This is it, this is the last episode in our 21 episode series on sexuality , our last episode of 14 in our subseries on sexuality in Catholic marriages, it has been a long run, thank you for being hereWe are finishing up with our metaphor of the canopied Catholic Marriage Bed And today we'll be discussing the four bedposts, the canopy, and the bedskirt, bedspread and the shams with more examples. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor.In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. This is episode 70, released on May 31, 2021, entitled Catholic Sex and the Four Pillars -- and the Dos and Don'ts of Sharing about your Sexual Life.Review of the bed Review the bed -- remember this canopied marriage bed represents the sexual life of a married Catholic couple. The floor -- The Presence of God and His Providence -- everything begins here. This is the most fundamental piece of the whole metaphor. We need to be in contact with "I AM" with God who is the source of all reality. We can't forget thatThe four legs Leg 1 -- the husband's commitment to his own interior integration and his own human formation Leg 2. the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation Leg 3. Understanding Attachment needs and integrity needs. Leg 4. Internal Family Systems -- Episode 60 -- How well do you really know your spouse? The frame and the box spring -- the firm, unwavering commitment of the husband his marriage vows and the wife to her marriage vows -- separately. IndependentlyThe mattress Empathetic attunement -- covered that in episode 65, last episode Two pillows: Self-acceptance and Spouse-acceptance -- this is what we are focusing on today. Pillows support us, comfort us. Great security with pillows Pam travels with her pillow -- learned this from her friend Cabrina -- comfort in having your own pillow Comfort in being accepted by someone who knows you. Bottom Sheet: sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passionTop Sheet: Communication between the spousesThe blankets: human warmth, emotional connectionCovering today Four Bedposts -- imagine two spiral intertwined, like the double-helix structure of DNA -- these are the four pillars of Catholic resilience, going all the way back to episode 4 of this podcast MindsetHeartsetBodysetSoulsetCovering today: The canopy and the curtains -- to protect privacy and propriety or to hide dysfunction, exploitation, even abuse. Covering today: The sham, the bedspread, and the bedskirt -- Used to cover up the real bed, give an impression of the state of married life to the world. Bedposts Four Sets Bodyset, Mindset, Heartset and Soulset Double helix structure -- the husband's strand and the wife's strand interwoven, entwined together like the double-helix structure of DNA rising up overhead, looking down on the bed Dynamism of Sets -- not static -- our sets shift, they vary as a function of our parts and what is activated and not activated within us in a given moment. Descriptions review from way back in Episode 4 Bodyset is how our body affects us, how our physical reactions impact us and our dispositions and inclinations. Mindset is essentially a frame of mind. Our mindset is the position of our intellect, and how we apply reason to our situation and our experiences. Heartset is the dispositions or the orientation of our heart, the emotional and intuitive ways of our heart. Soulset is essentially our attitude of soul. It is the disposition of our spirit, or how our souls is oriented. It can operate independently of mindset and heartset. Our soulset reflects how we see God, and how we see ourselves in relationship with God, how we see God viewing us. Our soulset very much depends on the virtues we have acquired, especially the virtues of faith, hope and charity. Our soulset is also very dynamic, it can change rapidlyA lot of your human formation is being aware of your own sets -- Bodyset, Mindset, Heartset and Soulset So much of your empathy for your spouse will involve reading your spouse's sets -- Bodyset, Mindset, Heartset and Soulset Will this legitimate sexual experience be good for your spouse's mind, heart, soul and body, right now, in these circumstances? Where is she emotionally, relationally with you? How is she doing physically right now, how is her soul?Paying attention to common, repeated relational patterns or cycles that happen between you and your spouse. Our parts have very dif

Opening Questions (connect to vignettes) Cindy wants to know, "Is oral sex okay in marriage? -- My husband every now and then likes it if I give him a blowjob, just for some variety in our sex life and he says there's no moral problem with that and it turns him on, but I'm not sure what I think and feel about that." Barbara asks "In episode 61, in the story of Jeff and Joanne, you seemed to say that the husband's kissing of breasts was wrong, that it was disordered. But I like it when my husband kisses my breasts during foreplay, and it really helps me to be sexually stimulated -- so is that off-limits in a Catholic marriage?" Bill raises the question "I really get turned on when my wife bites me, it helps me to have sex with her, I find I don't have to use Viagra then -- is that ok, or is it better for me to use the Viagra? I don't want to not be able to have the fullness of sexual intimacy with her…" The last two episodes brought up questions. These were not the actual questions, but questions like them came up.Today we're going get into this more deeply -- and into how to think about the moral quality of sexual acts in Catholic marriage. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God. 'Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor This is episode 69, released on May 24, 2021 And it is titled: Good and Bad Sex in Catholic Marriages: What are the Moral Limits? How far is too far? That all depends on the direction you are going! Augustine -- evil as a privation of the good. Evil is what happens when there is a vacuum because there isn't any good around. So if you are attempting to just avoid evil -- makes sure there's no evil in your sex life, you're trying to make a privation of the privation of good. It's much better to reorient and seek what is good, what is best, whatever that may mean for your sex life. Even if you may have to give up some things from which you derive pleasure. Not to condemn the physical pleasure of sexual intimacy -- Not at all Bring that into an ordered hierarchy Lot of confusion about the morality of different sexual expressions Lack of clear guidance on this, almost like a conspiracy of silence when it comes to really getting into specifics. Lot of terrible advice from all kinds of Catholic sources as well. It may be well intentioned, but it causes harm. I could be making mistakes here too -- a lot of this is new territory and not well defined. -- And to that end, I invite feedback, especially if I teach anything that is in error. Please get in touch with me at [email protected] or at 317.567.9594 on Tuesdays and Thursdays between 4:30 PM and 5:30 PM Eastern time in conversations hours. Citations -- Catechism, Church documents, Canon Law, Denzinger's Compendium, Ludwig Ott Fundamentals of Catholic DogmaDon't email me and tell me that a confessor you went to ten years ago said that anything goes sexually in your marriage and God doesn't mind at all as long as it all leads to vaginal intercourse in the end. That's not helpful. Learning to reflect and consider thoughtfully our sexual intimacy.Ways of approaching sexual morality Some people want a list List of Dos and Don’ts List of approved sexual activities and a list of activities that are not approved. Simple, easy to understand, doesn't require much reflection -- is the activity on the good list or the bad list?And there is a bad list -- actually, a pretty long one Acts that can never be ordered, never be oriented to procreation by their very nature Examples Anal sex -- anatomically, anal sex cannot lead to procreation. Oral sex performed by a wife on a husband in which he ejaculates Fetishes in which some body part becomes the focus of sexual interest, like feet or ears or navel or an external object like shoes or underwear Acts that cannot ever be oriented to the bond of marriage because they are degrading to the human person Emphasis on "consenting adults" Issue of mutual hedonism. -- very worldly Using the spouse for mutual masturbation Using the spouse as

Dr. Peter tells a story of a Catholic couple to show how they were able to recognize, take ownership of and work toward resolution of their sexual issues. The audience is encouraged to engage in active listening and be interested in what the story brings up inside, as a way of identifying potential issues in one's own life.

IIC 67: Catholic and UnCatholic Sex in Catholic MarriagesSaturday, May 8, 202110:27 AMThe Windup – our common ground, a quick summary of where we are today Let's get down to it. Most of us Catholic married folk have deep desires within us for authentic, loving, joyful, intimate sexual sharing with our spouses We want to be loving our spouses, we want to make love to our spouses in ways that are healthy, ordered, and holy. We want to know our spouses and be known, to accept our spouses and be accepted, to be loved and to love. And at least intellectually, we know that God wants that for us too. The Hurdle: The shared problem Or at least, we all had those desires in the past. Maybe we've given up on them. Maybe we're discouraged, disheartened. So many Catholic spouses are. It's common and it's tragic. But it makes sense to me. Why? Because Sexuality is usually the trickiest and most difficult part of the marriage relationship. Let me say that again. We want deep, loving, joyful, intimate sexual sharing with our spousesBut often there's pressure, shame, guilt, anger, conflict, tension, frustration, disagreement, disharmony, sullenness, withdrawal, disconnection, feelings of helplessness, avoidance, resignation and dozens of other painful experiences. We are wounded in a lot of different ways, and those attachment wound, those integrity wounds impact how Catholic spouses related to each other sexually. Sex is the most sensitive barometerGod wants Catholic couples not to just have sex -- animals can and do copulate but ordered, healthy sexual intimacy. Stakes are high. Our Lady of Fatima on Sexual Sins Jacinta later revealed that according to Our Lady, “The sins which cause most souls to go to hell are the sins of the flesh,” or sins against chastity.For many Catholic spouses, the sexual situation can seem impossible 28% of Catholic marriages end in divorce, and it's probably safe to say that the sexual intimacy isn't great in those relationships Many, many others suffer from significant problems and issues in the sexual relationship. There is no other area of Catholic life so fraught with complexity, nuance, so sensitive to disorder and dysfunction in the married life. Why? Because sex is so often wrenched out of context Procreation Union, the bond of the spouses Catholic spouses often look to their sexual relationship to solve problems that do not originate there. Misuse of sexuality in the service of trying to get deeper needs met -- attachment needs and integrity needs. Episode 62But you know what? There are solutions. There are ways out, even for spouses who are really jaded, really disheartened and discouraged. And we are going to talk about those ways out, the promise of solutions. We're going to talk about the Good News of Catholic sexual married life today. All things, all things work together for good for those who love the Lord. Romans 8:28. All things. No exceptions. All things, St. Paul tells us, there is no asterisk or footnote that excludes your particular sexual situation. All things. The caveat -- for those who love the Lord. That means childlike trust, great confidence. So many Catholic couples could have such a better life of sexual intimacy. That is so possible, even though it may not seem believable, because of a history of disappointment, false starts, and discouragement. If you feel like you're Charlie Brown and I'm Lucy, holding a football for you, about to yank it away when you try one more time… I get that. Stay with me, listen a while longer, and see if you find some new ideas, new ways of looking at things. I know it may be that you've been married 20, 30 years or more -- but some and see what I have to say. I am clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski, your host and guide This is episode 67 of the weekly podcast Interior Integration for Catholics And it is titled: Catholic and UnCatholic Sex in Catholic Marriages Thank you for being here with me Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our online outreach Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com Which is all about your human formation, all about shoring up your natural foundation for a solid Catholic spiritual life We are doing a whole series of episodes on Sexuality in Catholic Marriages We are using the image of a Catholic canopied marriage bed. And today, we are focusing on the the Fitted Sheet, the top sheet and the blankets Fitted Sheet -- Eros, the sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion, the actual physical, sexual contact Top Sheet -- Communication between the Catholic spouses Blankets -- Heartfelt warmth and affection, the emotional connection. The Vision -- The inspiring option, the way over the problem Four Major point -- Four central concepts. The human and spiritual formation of the spouse influence the quality of their sexual experience. Sex always happens in a relational contextThe relational context influences the quality of the sexual experience between the spousesSexual intimacy is a great good, but ther

Intro It is good to have you with us, Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist Weekly Podcast Interior Integration for Catholics Part of our Online outreach Souls and Hearts and soulsandhearts.com Which is all about your human formation, all about shoring up your natural foundation for a solid Catholic spiritual life. Episode 66 Acceptance vs. Endorsement: A Critical Difference in Catholic Marriages. we are in the middle of a series on Sexuality in Catholic Marriages, but there is so much in here that is relevant about all kinds of close relationships. Where have we been? Review the bed -- remember this canopied marriage bed represents the sexual life of a married Catholic couple. The floor -- The Presence of God and His Providence -- everything begins here. This is the most fundamental piece of the whole metaphor. We need to be in contact with "I AM" with God who is the source of all reality. We can't forget thatThe four legs Leg 1 -- the husband's commitment to his own interior integration and his own human formation Leg 2. the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation Leg 3. Understanding Attachment needs and integrity needs. Leg 4. Internal Family Systems -- Episode 60 -- How well do you really know your spouse? In that episode, I made five bold assertions: You don't really know your spouse. Your spouse doesn't really know you. Your Father doesn't or didn't really know your mother Your mother doesn't or didn't really know your father And you don't really know you. Gave evidence for those bold claims are likely, not going to repeat all that evidence here, you can go to Episode 60 and listen to them again. For those of you listeners who are married: Can seem like spouse have such widely varying modes of operating like they can be even different people when they are in these different modes of being. Remember what your spouse or someone close to you is like when they are different states -- like when they are really angry, or really sad, or really anxious or really happy. How different they think, how their worldview changes in these different states. what we call parts: Parts are constellations of emotions, body sensations, thoughts, feelings, impulses, assumptions about the world and so many other things. Internal Family Systems thinking help us to make sense of our own internal experience and others' internal experience, breaking us out of the model that we have just one monolithic, homogenous personality. That's what episodes 60 and 61 are all about Surprising how not integrated the husband's internal object representations of his wife are -- surprising how unintegrated a wife's internal object representation of her husband can be. How confused. Definition time with Dr. Pete, Definition of internal object -- Roots in Freud, really developed my Melanie Klein: Internal object refers to the mental representation that results from how we have taken others inside of us and viewed them. Not necessarily similar to who the person actually is, it's how we construe the person to be, which depends heavily on our subjective experiences, including how we experience ourselves. Two dimensional -- sometimes even one dimensional You are the person who is supposed to make me feel better about myself, help me avoid shame Fragmented How much husbands and wives don't see in and about each other. Three of these four legs are really helpful in accepting what the actual realities are inside your spouse. The fourth one is great to have, but it's not as essential. It's the one that we sometimes require first, though Just tell me what's going on -- assumption that she knows what's going on. 90% unconscious. Sometimes she just cant. The frame and the box spring -- the firm, unwavering commitment of the husband his marriage vows and the wife to her marriage vows -- separately. IndependentlyThe mattress Empathetic attunement -- covered that in episode 65, last episode Two pillows: Self-acceptance and Spouse-acceptance -- this is what we are focusing on today. Pillows support us, comfort us. Great security with pillows Pam travels with her pillow -- learned this from her friend Cabrina -- comfort in having your own pillow Comfort in being accepted by someone who knows you. Bottom Sheet: sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passionTop Sheet: Communication between the spousesThe blankets: human warmth, emotional connectionFour Bedposts -- imagine two spiral intertwined, like the double-helix structure of DNA Mindset Heartset Bodyset Soulset The canopy and the curtains -- to protect privacy and propriety or to hide dysfunction, exploitation, even abuse. The sham, the bedspread, and the bedskirt -- Used to cover up the real bed, give an impression of the state of married life to the world. Lay of the land: Loving -- three elements: Benevolence, Capacity, Commitment/ConsistencyNot only do we not understand our spouses very wellWe also don't accept the realities about our spouses that we do understand

Intro It is good to have you with us, Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist Weekly Podcast Interior Integration for Catholics Part of our Online outreach Souls and Hearts and soulsandhearts.com Episode 65 Why Catholic Spouses Find it Hard to Empathize with Each Other, Especially About Sex -- with Solutions. -- we are in the middle of a series on Sexuality in Catholic Marriages, but don't worry if you are not married, there is so much for you in today's episode that applies to any close relationship. Definitions of Empathy: Daniel Siegel: Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine. Interpersonal Neurobiology. Interpersonal Neurobiology Wikipedia: Interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB) or relational neurobiology is an interdisciplinary framework associated with human development and functioning. It was developed in the 1990s by Daniel J. Siegel who sought to bring together a wide range of scientific disciplines in demonstrating how the mind, brain, and relationships integrate to alter one another. Dan Siegel's work is very accessible -- easier for non-professionals to understand, very available. Five types of Empathy -- Short YouTube Video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdhMY_DNb1M 5 Levels. There's an order to them. Emotional Resonance or attunementPerspective TakingCognitive EmpathyCompassion -- Seigel calls it Empathetic ConcernEmpathetic JoyI am going to expand on his basic presentation. Expanded definitions of empathy Emotional Resonance, attunement, empathic resonance -- receiver begins to feel what the sender is feeling. You feel the feelings of the other person. Attunement ‘is a kinesthetic and emotional sensing of others knowing their rhythm, affect and experience by metaphorically being in their skin, and going beyond empathy to create a two-person experience of unbroken feeling connectedness by providing a reciprocal affect and/or resonating response’. (Clinical psychologist Richard Erksine 1998).When we attune with others we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another. This resonance is at the heart of the important sense of “feeling felt” that emerges in close relationships. Children need attunement to feel secure and to develop well, and throughout our lives we need attunement to feel close and connected." Dan SiegelModeration Emotional contagion. This really can be overwhelming Experience of being sucked into the other's experience -- blending or fusing with the other with a loss of boundaries Perspective Taking: Let me put myself in the other's skin -- in the other shoes. Not a fusion Capacity to enter into your spouse's internal world with your own mind to consider the other's experience You remain separate from the other person. Cognitive Empathy: -- a bit further -- what does the experience mean for the person. Memory, emotion, history influences the other. Empathetic understanding. So much of our suffering comes not from the facts of our situation, but from the meaning we make from those facts. Compassion: Empathic Concern -- synonym for compassion. I feel your pain, I want to reduce your suffering. You feel the suffering Take the suffering in Use of the imagination -- what could I do now to help you feel better. Be with the person -- doing flows from that being Empathic joy -- I get so excited about your success -- delighting in and with the other. Joy in who the spouse is, not what the child does -- "delighting in the spouses very being Wife believes in the husband's goodness -- the husband is precious, worth sacrificing for and vice versa. Song of Songs -- Joy 1:4 We will exult and rejoice in you; we will extol your love more than wine Review Emotional Resonance or attunement Perspective Taking Cognitive Empathy Compassion -- Seigel calls it Empathetic Concern Empathetic Joy Empathy is the mattress on our Catholic Canopied Marriage bed, which I introduced in episode 58 -- working with that metaphor. The mattress on a bed -- we want the mattress to be consistent and solid, firm and not lumpy. The frame and box spring -- firm commitment between the husband and the wife, the upholding of the marriage vows Episode 64 It's the charity. Willing the highest good for one another -- sacrificial love four legs of the bed. Leg 1 -- the husband's commitment to his own interior integration, his own human formation, his psychological health, his emotional wellbeing -- removing the beam from his own eye -- last episode. Episode 63 Leg 2. the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation, her own psychological health, her own emotional wellbeing -- her taking on her own personal responsibility for her natural life last episode. Episode 63Leg 3. Attachment Needs and Integrity Needs -- Episode 62,Leg 4. Internal Family Systems approaches -- understanding deeply how the human person is both a unity and a multiplicity -- like an orchestra is a unity -- one orchestra, but also has within it multiplicity, multiple m

Intro It is good to have you with us, Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist Interior Integration for Catholics Part of our Online outreach Souls and Hearts and soulsandhearts.com Episode 64 released April 19, 2021 Subtle Ways Catholics Cheat on their Spouses: How and Why. Getting into natural level issues around our commitment, the covenant a husband and a wife make in a Catholic sacramental marriage. Brief Review -- Canopied Marriage Bed Description of each part of the bed -- symbolism of each part, what each part represents. The rock-solid floor in the bedroom is the Foundation -- The presence of God -- and an active belief in God's Providence This is the foundation Childlike trust, absolute confidence Reflects the reality of our existential dependence and God's paternal care, Mary's maternal care for us. Four legs -- now more in the natural realm Leg 1 -- the husband's commitment to his own interior integration, his own human formation, his psychological health, his emotional wellbeing -- removing the beam from his own eye -- last episode. Episode 63 Leg 2. the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation, her own psychological health, her own emotional wellbeing -- her taking on her own personal responsibility for her natural life last episode. Episode 63 Definition of Human Formation Human formation is the lifelong process of natural development, aided by grace, by which a person integrates all aspects of his interior emotional, cognitive, relational, and bodily life, all of his natural faculties in an ordered way, conformed with right reason and natural law so that he is freed from natural impediments to trust God as His beloved child and to embrace God's love. Then, in return, because he possesses himself, he can love God, neighbor and himself with all of his natural being in an ordered, intimate, personal, and mature way. That is what we are focused on in this podcast. Human formation: This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God. Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation, a radical conversion at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God. Leg 3. Attachment Needs and Integrity Needs -- Episode 62, Leg 4. Internal Family Systems approaches -- understanding deeply how the human person is both a unity and a multiplicity -- like an orchestra is a unity -- one orchestra, but also has within it multiplicity, multiple musicians -- check out Episodes 60 and 61 The Frame and the Box Spring -- this holds the whole bed together and it represents the firm commitment between the husband and the wife, the upholding of the marriage vows, We are focusing on this today. The commitment, the vows of Catholic married lifeI promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. It's the charity. Willing the highest good for one anotherThe Mattress -- Empathetic attunement -- really knowing the spouse, really being able to enter into the phenomenological world of the spouseBottom sheet fitted sheet -- sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion -- hinges on all that is underneath it. Can't you just help us get the fire, the passion back into our love life. Top Sheet -- communication between the Catholic spouses. Two Pillows -- Acceptance of who the husband is right now -- Acceptance of who the wife is right now. Self-acceptance and Spouse acceptance The blankets -- human warmth, emotional connectionFour bedposts -- intertwined spirals, like a double helix -- Mindset, Heartset, Bodyset, Soulset The Canopy and the curtains, which cover the bed and provide privacy -- for good or for ill. The Shams, the bedspread and the bed skirts -- these cover up the bed, give a favorable and even a false impression to the world of what the bed is like, keep the real bed under wraps, as it wereDefinition Marriage Commitment Commitment is essential Frame and box spring of the bed -- holds the whole structure of the bed together. The commitment to loving the other person in the sacramental marriage covenant is vitally important No one else can do it for you. Not even God. Definition of Marriage -- Fr. John Hardon, Modern Catholic Dictionary MARRIAGE. As a natural institution, the lasting union of a man and a woman who agree to give and receive rights over each other for the performance of the act of generation and for the fostering of their mutual love. The state of marriage implies four chief conditions: there must be a union of opposite sexes; -- one man and one woman it is a permanent union until the death of either spouse; CCC 2382: Between the baptized spouses, "a ratified and consummated marriage cannot be dissolved by any human power or for any reason other than death" 1983 CCL 1141 Until Death I will love you and honor you all the days of my l

Intro: I am clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski, and you are listening to the weekly podcast Interior Integration for Catholics Today in episode 63, we are discussing human formation -- what is it? What do you mine it's missing for many people? Windup: I am going to start with a bold claim and a controversial claim. For many, many Catholic adults in our day and age, in our culture, there is a much greater need to focus on human formation than on spiritual formation.Let me repeat that: Many, many Catholic adults at this point in their lives need solid human formation more than they need spiritual formation. Serious Catholic adults. Commitment to human formation is so important in the Catholic married sexual life that it composes two of the four legs of my model of a Catholic marriage bed. The husband's commitment to human formation -- one legThe wife's commitment to human formation -- the other legAnother leg is really understanding attachment and integrity needs (episode 62)Another leg is a model the Internal family systems-informed model of the person with a self and with parts -- we are a unity and a multiplicity -- episodes 60 and 61. The floor is the a deep, abiding, childlike trust in Mary our Spiritual Mother and God our Spiritual Father. Building a whole bed here, starting in episode 58. No need to review all of it now. So many Catholics with lots of spiritual formation who have built their spiritual lives on a very, very unsound natural foundation, with mediocre or poor human formation. So their spiritual lives are unstable. Example of early client -- extreme example Mid 30's, very earnest Catholic, very sincere, distressed -- I have to help his wife understand the Faith. Wife was Catholic, but a lot of tension between them about his spiritual practices. Danger of divorce -- wife: get to counseling or I'll divorce you Wife concerns? Spending three hours per day in Eucharistic Adoration Bringing their young children Our Lady of Lourdes No gainful employment Wife feeling constantly criticized by his fraternal corrections, his attempts to help her become more holy. Spiritual Problems? No -- problems in the natural realm. Blended with a part that is so driven by fear. Part desperately trying to please an extremely demanding God and Mary -- trying to become holy, Pelagian effortsLack of attunement to children -- alienated from them, they were becoming alienated from the faithWedge in the marriage, wife thinks he's a religious nutcase. He recognizes there are problems, wife needs to change Praying the Rosary Fatima Visionary Sr. Lucia: There is no problem, I tell you, no matter how difficult it is, that we cannot resolve by the prayer of the Holy Rosary. Problems come from his distorted human formation. Priest sex abuse scandal. Can frame it all spiritually. The priest who sexually abused children gave in to lust, it was a violation of the virtue of chastity, among other virtues. Ok. Hmmm. So it was a spiritual problem, a failure, he gave into temptation. No doubt there are spiritual dimensions to this, including a most grave and serious sin. Or is a primary issue with his disordered sexual attraction to children and a real lack of impulse control --problems in the natural realm, a problem with his human formation. That makes so much more sense to me as being primary. Scrupulosity -- so often seen as a spiritual problem, but is one of the most frustrating issues for confessors and spiritual directors encounter -- so often it doesn't resolve with traditional spiritual means. Primarily in the natural realm. Did a whole episode with Adam Cross The Catholic Therapist on human formation issues, the real issues in the natural realm that underlie scrupulosity. Serious Devastation -- original sin. Effect on the human body -- death, illness, pain -- and now intensity of pain in childbirth, physical labor and toil to survive scratching out an existence from cursed ground. Effect on the rest of our human formation Distrust of God Fear Anger Loss of harmony Really a kind of dis-integration -- in the world and inside of us. Grace perfects nature; it does not destroy it. St. Thomas Aquinas We need to work with our human natures. We need our human natures to be formed. Jesus discussed foundations Discussion of foundations in Scripture -- Matthew 7:24-27 24 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” Jesus as the cornerstone. Algebra and arithmetic. Hold up, we're getting ahead of ourselves here. What is human formation?Definitions Those who foll

Intro: This is Interior Integration for Catholics, it's great that you can join us, and today we are wrestling with the deep attachment needs and the deep integrity needs that Catholic spouses have. In this life, we all have deep attachment needs and deep integrity needsWe all struggle with deep attachment needs and deep integrity needs -- whether we realize it or not. And some of those needs are unmet. They cause us difficulties and suffering and tension in our important relationshipsThose unmet needs are part of being human in our fallen world. How we choose to handle those attachment needs and integrity needs really determines how well our close relationships, especially our marriages go. How the husband chooses to address his attachment needs and integrity needs will have a huge impact on his relationship with his wifeHow the wife chooses to address her attachment needs and her integrity needs will have a huge impact on her relationship with her husband. Meeting these attachment needs and integrity needs well is foundational, essential for you to have a psychologically sound, a solid marriage relationship. Today, in episode 62 of Interior Integration for Catholics, released on April 5, 2021, the sixth in our subseries on sexuality in Catholic marriages And it is titled: Unmet Attachment Needs, Unmet Integrity Needs we won't just lay out all the definitions of our terms what are attachment needs, Dr. Peter? What are integrity needs? We're not just going to discuss how these needs impact the rest of the marriage relationship We're not just going to explore how sex in the Catholic marriage bed is impacted by these needs and our responses to them No, wait, there's much more We're going to also dive into how do you engage with these needs constructively -- how do we start on a course of action to really meet these needs. So stay with me until the end and you will get really specific recommendations for setting up a personalized program to have your personal set of attachment needs and integrity needs met. This is such an important area that we are going to spend some time on it, more than just this one podcast. I am Catholic psychologist Peter Malinoski, and I am bringing my 20 years of experience in the clinical trenches with real Catholics with real problems to bear on this question of attachment needs and integrity needs in this episode for you. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach -- check us out at soulsandhearts.com Souls and Hearts is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor. Brief Review Each episode stand on its own, no need to review if you don't want to, if you're just jumping in here that's greatI do review from time to time because reviewing helps with spiral learning, with retaining thingsAnd because this podcast is programmatic, episodes build on each other, we're not just doing little isolated soundbites of information, odd, assorted nuggets.This is meant to be a program in your Catholic human formation to help you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony in the natural realmSo let's do a quick rewind here, just to catch you all up to date:[Insert review/rewind sound effect]I introduced the model of a Catholic Canopied Marriage Bed to represent the sexual life of a married Catholic couple in Episode 58. The Catholic Canopied Married Bed has these interrelated parts The floor -- A deep abiding trust in the Presence of God and His Providence -- we started here in episode 59 The four legs -- these four supports hold up the Catholic marriage bed. Leg 4. Internal Family Systems Approaches to understanding myself and my spouse Covered this conceptually in episodes 60 and again with a story of a Catholic couples' problems in a sexual relationship in episode 61. Leg 3. Understanding my own and my spouse's attachment needs and integrity needs -- this is what we are focus on today. In Episode 57 we discussed how the one main psychological reason why Catholic marriages fail is our response and reactions to deep unmet needs Leg 2. the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formationLeg 1. the husband's commitment to his own interior integration and his own human formationThe frame and the box spring -- the firm, unwavering commitment of the husband his marriage vows and the wife to her marriage vows -- separately. Independently The mattress Empathetic attunement Two pillows: Self-acceptance and Spouse-acceptance Bottom Sheet, the fitted sheet: sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion -- the eros Top Sheet: Communication between the spouses The blankets: human warmth, emotional connection Four Bedposts MindsetHeartsetBodysetSoulsetThe canopy and the curtains -- to protect privacy and propriety or to hide dysfunction, exploitation, even

Dr. Peter walks you through an example of how the parts of a Catholic husband and wife blend and take over, leading to fractured, fragmented sex that is ultimately disordered and unsatisfying.

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God in the natural realm.In this podcast, we confront the tough internal questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head-on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way and living out our vocations, including our vocation to Catholic marriage which necessarily brings in both sexuality and religion.And we're dealing with sexuality and religion in this episode for two primary reasons: first to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time and Second, to love you neighbor as yourself -- And who is your neighbor? If you are married, your first neighbor, your closest neighbor, the neighbor toward whom you have the most responsibilities is your spouse. Because of your marriage vows. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor.We are celebrating our one year anniversary. First podcast launched March 20, 2020 Success The majority of podcasts don't make it to 14 episodes Because of you Very niche audience This one has risen to top 10% based on downloads Tells me there is a hunger out there. Gratitude Appreciation Your support increases my motivation. This is episode 60, released on March 22, 2021And it is titled: How Well Do You Really Know Your Spouse? This is the 12th episode in our series on sexuality, the fourth in our subseries on sexuality in Catholic marriages Continuing with the model of a Catholic Canopied Marriage Bed to illuminate what happens sexually in Catholic marriages. Episode 58 -- I provided you with the model of a Catholic canopied marriage bed. Remember this canopied marriage bed represents the sexual life of a married Catholic couple. The floor -- The Presence of God and His Providence -- we started here in the last episode, episode 59The four legs Leg 1 -- the husband's commitment to his own interior integration and his own human formation Leg 2. the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation Leg 3. Understanding my own and my spouse's attachment needs and integrity needs Leg 4. Internal Family Systems Approaches to understanding myself and my spouse We are really exploring this leg first, in this podcast episode. The frame and the box spring -- the firm, unwavering commitment of the husband his marriage vows and the wife to her marriage vows -- separately. IndependentlyThe mattress Empathetic attunement Two pillows: Self-acceptance and Spouse-acceptance Bottom Sheet: sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passionTop Sheet: Communication between the spousesThe blankets: human warmth, emotional connectionFour Bedposts -- imagine two spiral intertwined, like the double-helix structure of DNA Mindset Heartset Bodyset Soulset The canopy and the curtains -- to protect privacy and propriety or to hide dysfunction, exploitation, even abuse. The sham, the bedspread, and the bedskirt -- Used to cover up the real bed, give an impression of the state of married life to the world. Review: So we've only just begun with this metaphor. Now starting in the next episode, we are going to walk step by step through all the elements of the Catholic marriage bed, through all the components of married Catholic sexual life. We're going to cover all the bases slowly and thoroughly so that all components, all the pieces become clear. We will look at what each part of the Catholic marriage bed looks like when it is healthy as well as what can go wrong with each part of the bed. Just as important, how all the pieces of the marriage bed, healthy or unhealthy are related to each other, how they interconnect and how those elements of Catholic Married sexual life can change over time. Over and over and over again, I have had Catholic couples in my office discussing their marital problems, their sexual problems.And over and over and over again, I come to the same conclusion -- Catholic couples who are married, 5, 15, 25, 40 years or more do not really know their spouses. They know a lot about their spouses biographical details They know a lot about behaviors their spouses do But their internalized image of the spouse, their working model of the

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God in the natural realm.In this podcast, we confront the tough internal questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head-on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way and living out our vocations, including our vocation to Catholic marriage which necessarily brings in both sexuality and religion.And we're dealing with sexuality and religion in this episode for two primary reasons: first to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time and Second, to love you neighbor as yourself -- And who is your neighbor? If you are married, your first neighbor, your closest neighbor, the neighbor toward whom you have the most responsibilities is your spouse. Because of your marriage vows. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighborThis is episode 59, released on March 15, 2021This is the 11th episode in our series on sexuality the second in our subseries on Catholic marriages Now we are zeroing in on sexuality within Catholic marriages and we're going diagnose some extremely common relational problems between Catholic spouses that get expressed through how they relate sexually. So this episode is titled Mystery, Covenant, Vocation, and Being "Submissive" in the Marriage Bed. So get ready, prepare yourself for light bulbs to switch on and shine brightly as we explore new and much clearer ways of thinking about sexual life in Catholic marriages, grounded in the perennial teachings of the Catholic Church and informed by the best of psychology. I'm doing this subseries on sexuality within Catholic marriage because I want you to have ways out of the sexual traps that so many Catholic married couple find themselves in, the negative cycles, the problematic repeating patterns that are so frustrating, that cause so much conflict and that harm people, even Catholic spouses who want to do the right thing. And even if you're not trapped, your marriage is sound, love is growing -- there is going to be so much in these episodes to deepen the understanding, the awareness, the empathy, the commitment, and the love. The lay of the land Podcast oriented toward Catholic serious about the faith But we are imperfect. We forget who we are -- we forget that we are beloved children of God when we get blended with parts of us that are overcome with the intensity of emotions, passions And Marriage is a huge challenge. Catholic Scripture Scholar Peter Williamson: Catholic Commentary on the Sacred Scriptures Ephesians Baker Academic p. 154 "Probably no element of human life arouses more longing and hope for happiness, yet yields as much pain and disappointment as marriage." Conscious or unconscious assumptions: Sex is dirty. God doesn't want us to have sex. But sex is also necessary I'm married Procreation: Be fruitful and multiply Shame. Episode 49 Shame is at the center -- hard to talk about this because it is so personal and so intimate, and often so bound up with shame. Sexuality not talked about, not discussedSexuality part and parcel of our bodies, all about our bodiesCatholics who are serious about their faith often have a propensity to start with self-judgement and self-condemnation, like at the end of a trial, without really understanding themselves well. Internal self-shaming And all of this makes sense, makes sense, because almost all of us Catholic adults have sinned sexually. So many unmet needs and coded messages being expressed through sexuality -- can seem like a minefieldOften leads to avoiding GodModel of suppression and condemnation. Out of conscious awareness, then it doesn't exist any moreLots of bad advice out there. So we try to go it alone and often that means without God Anthropological basis All practices of psychology are grounded in an anthropology Philosophy Theology Epistemology Metaphysics Logic Feminist Psychology This episode -- more spiritual foundation. I want you to understand where I am coming from. Fundamental Need to Grip on to Romans 8:28 High stakes table Pain and disappointment Wanting spouse to be God -- Unmet needs, episode 57 The Vision -- Considering Part

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life. Often said that if you want to start an argument, bring up sex, politics or religion. Those are the tried and true, sure-fire ways to stoke disagreement among people. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God -- so we're going to leave the politics and social justice questions and societal reform efforts and climate change and all those big-picture, macro-level, externally-focused topics out of our conversation, so that leaves us with sex and religion. And we're going to take on both of them together because In this podcast, we confront the tough internal questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head-on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way and living out our vocations, including our vocation to Catholic marriage which necessarily brings in both sexuality and religion.And we're dealing with sexuality and religion in this episode for two primary reasons: first to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time and Second, to love you neighbor as yourself -- And who is your neighbor? If you are married, your first neighbor, your closest neighbor, the neighbor toward whom you have the most responsibilities is your spouse. Because of your marriage vows. I, Roger, take you, Sarah, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighborThis is episode 58, released on March 8, 2021This is the tenth episode in our series on sexuality the second in our subseries on Catholic marriages Way back in episode 50, the second one in this series on sexuality, we explored what a healthy, ordered, fully Catholic sexuality looks like. Now we are zeroing in on sexuality within Catholic marriages and we're going diagnose some extremely common relational problems between Catholic spouses that get expressed through how they relate sexually. So this episode is titled The Catholic Marriage Bed. The Catholic Marriage Bed.So get ready, prepare yourself for light bulbs to switch on and shine brightly as we explore new and much clearer ways of thinking about sexual life in Catholic marriages, grounded in the perennial teachings of the Catholic Church and informed by the best of psychology. I'm doing this subseries on sexuality within Catholic marriage because I want you to have ways out of the sexual traps that so many Catholic married couple find themselves in, the negative cycles, the problematic repeating patterns that are so frustrating, that cause so much conflict and that harm people, even Catholic spouses who want to do the right thing. And even if you're not trapped, your marriage is sound, love is growing -- there is going to be so much in these episodes to deepen the understanding, the awareness, the empathy, the commitment, and the love. So we are discussing the marriage bed. I'm using the image of a canopy bed to illustrate all the psychological and relational aspects in the natural realm that go into a vibrant, life-giving Catholic married sexuality. We're going to be painting a word picture, a conceptual diagram of a canopy bed, with all the pieces of that bed named, labels and defined, and show how all the parts of the bed are essential to a grounded, peaceful, harmonious shared sexual life in Catholic marriage. But first let's review the Lay of the Land, the Current Situation We are going to start with a broad overview here. Key Words: Confusion. Lot of confusion about sexuality in our culture today Wider array of generally socially accepted sexual practices in our land than has ever existed before. Internet has provided a forum to bring together people who practice all kinds of Greater amount of disagreement about what healthy sexual life looks like Moving away from natural law Things that were obvious even 20 years ago, even 10 years are not being questioned Can a man become a woman? -- now an open question being debated in our society Can two men and a woman all be in the same marriage? Can a woman marry a dolphin? In 2006, British millionaire Sharon Tendler married

The One Main Psychological Reason Why Catholic Marriages FailIntro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life. In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way and living out our vocations. And we deal with these difficult, demanding issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God.Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation, a radical conversion at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighborThis is episode 57, released on March 1, 2021This is the ninth episode in our series on sexuality and in this episode, we are turning our attention to Catholic marriages -- such an important, essential topic for our day and age, Catholic marriagesAnd we are going to start with the real, deeper, often hidden reasons why Catholic marriages fall apartSo this episode is titled The One Main Psychological Reason Why Catholic Marriages FailGet ready for the deep dive into new ways of thinking about Catholic marriages, from an informed psychological perspective. Focusing on the psychological aspects here -- not the spiritual ones. Not qualified to judge souls, make statements about their virtues or vicesNot criticizing or condemning, but rather focusing on understanding with gentleness and compassionYou catch more flies with honey than vinegar Focus on the natural level. What about you, Dr. Peter -- what do you know about marriage? Fair question. 25th year of marriage, one marriage, 7 children. Windup: The Current State of Catholic Marriages Definitions What is Catholic Marriage Catholic Dictionary: As a natural institution, the lasting union of a man and a woman who agree to give and receive rights over each other for the performance of the act of generation and for the fostering of their mutual love. The state of marriage implies four chief conditions: 1. there must be a union of opposite sexes; it is therefore opposed to all forms of unnatural, homosexual behavior; 2. it is a permanent union until the death of either spouse; 3. it is an exclusive union, so that extramarital acts are a violation of justice; and 4. its permanence and exclusiveness are guaranteed by contract; mere living together, without mutually binding themselves to do so, is concubinage and not marriage. Christ elevated marriage to a sacrament of the New Law. Christian spouses signify and partake of the mystery of that unity and fruitful love which exists between Christ and his Church, helping each other attain to holiness in their married life and in the rearing and education of their children. Emphasis on the Sacramental Aspect -- discussing sacramental marriages here. Covenant, goes far beyond a Contract - no fault divorce, temporary contract. What is fail? Broad Definition: To prove deficient or lackingto perform ineffectively or inadequatelyto fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired, or approvedto leave something undone One way that we could consider a marriage to fail is by divorce Stats 2014 Pew Research Survey of 885 Catholics 19% of those Catholic adults 18 years old were divorced or separated Consistent with Georgetown's Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate About 20% or one in five Catholic adults have experienced divorce in their lifetimes About 36% of Americans who marry divorce at some point. 28% of Catholics who marry ever divorce -- lower than the general average Old canard that half of all Catholic marriage end in divorce -- not true. More like a quarter. Still that's a lot -- 28%. And I don't think success in marriage is defined by not getting divorced Not getting divorced by itself is not sufficient to call a marriage successful. Abusive marriages held together by Distant Roommates -- coolness, tolerating each other's existence Contrast with a life-giving marriage Ways marriages fail Unilateral -- one spouse abandons the other Mutual -- each spouse abandons the other Dist

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life. In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. And we deal with these difficult, demanding issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God.'Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighborThis is episode 56, released on February 22, 2021This is the eighth episode in our series on sexuality and the second one on Pornography. And it is titled: What is Essential for Catholics to Recover from Porn?And I am really happy to have Dr. Gerry Crete, past president of the Catholic Psychological Association and the CEO and co-founder of Souls and Hearts with me for this episode Recognize that the fantasy involved in the pornography choices represent a dynamic that seeks to meet the unmet need Safety Attachment injuries Being seen Seeing others Connection Sense of “power” or agency Traumatic re-enactment The fantasy may provide a temporary answer to those needs while avoiding the pain Allow him to experience having his needs met in a healthy way What new information can you share with him What new role or position can the protector have now Recognize the courage it takes for the protector to seek a new role and embrace change Allow time to grieve the losses that pornography use has brought Recognize negative effects of pornography or other sexual acting out behavior in one’s life Prepare to make reparations Wife/Family Self Others God Invite protector to grow and embrace freedom – recognize there will be a period of growth – it will need time and patience. Commit to being by his side What does it mean for the parts to be “in recovery” The self is present – better connections with others Completing tasks with a sense of completion rather than trying to escape pain (life) Ability to set goals and focus on them rather than obsession with momentary perceived needs Willingness to receive feedback Ability to recognize time rather than entering into a blackhole of time Finds meaning in activities and relationships

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life. In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. And we deal with these difficult, demanding issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God.'Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighborThis is episode 55, released on February 15, 2021This is the seventh episode in our series on sexuality and the fourth one on masturbation. And it is titled: Why Catholics Use PornographyPractical steps you can take to overcome a pornography problem. These are good but only go so far: Device management Accountability Support Group Therapy Inner Work: Here we get to the root of the problem and find lasting solutions Recognize that the pornography use has a negative effect on one’s life Marriage and family Career Downtime Relationships Spiritual life Awareness that something must be done and that one needs to commit to change What part of me doesn’t want to change? It’s a “protector” Recognize that the part of you turning to pornography is a protector The protector doesn’t want the system to feel pain At some point the protector learned that pornography is an escape from pain The protector also learned that pornography can meet unmet needs Identify the positive intention of the “pornography” protector Identify what this protector really believes about why pornography is the only answer See this protector (unblend) and recognize his misguided but sincere intention If the protector is protecting an exile (the pain) then promise to attend to the exile Allow him to share with you his real unmet needs Recognize that the fantasy involved in the pornography choices represent a dynamic that seeks to meet the unmet need Safety Attachment injuries Being seen Seeing others Connection Sense of “power” or agency Traumatic re-enactment

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life. In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. And we deal with these difficult, demanding issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God.'Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighborThis is episode 54, released on February 8, 2021This is the sixth episode in our series on sexuality and the fourth one on masturbation. And it is titled: Masturbation Recovery StoriesWe're following up on our last three episodes, number 51, 52 and 53, which have all been about masturbation, the Top 10 reasons why Catholic men masturbate, the 10 common mistakes they make as they try to recover from masturbation and live chaste lives, and the 20 remedies for those 10 common mistakes. we're getting into answers for Catholics who experience masturbation as a dead-end, as a failed promise, as an inadequate answer for their deeper needs and desires. So today, we're pulling all the conceptual information together and we are going to do three things.First, We will briefly review the 10 common mistakes and the 20 remedies for those mistakesSecond, will discuss how to make an individualized recovery plan for masturbation Third, we will pull all the information together into the stories of Richard and Luis, who we introduced in episode 51 -- we will review their histories, look at the mistakes they made is trying to free themselves from masturbation, discuss how they made their individualized plans for recovery, and how they broke free from masturbation. Review: 10 Common Mistakes that Catholics make in breaking free from masturbation: Considering masturbation as the primary problem. -- Gotta go deeper Pursuing compartmentalization or fragmentation instead of interior integration Going it alone Using only the spiritual means Having a Power spirituality or a macho spirituality Passive Spirituality The why for the change Shaming the self for failures The All or Nothing Trap Failing to see the struggle with masturbation as a gift 20 Remedies for those mistakes Commit to finding the real reason, with God's help. Bring God or Mary or a saint or your angel into the search for the underlying causes Committing to interior integration: Interior acceptance of all parts, all desires, all impulses, all thoughts, all memories as real -- as part of reality. Find a confidant with whom you can check in daily. Daily. Not just regularly. Daily Get to confession and address the spiritual dimensions. Talk about it. Spiritual Director, Confessor Working toward Intimate relationship with God Time with Friends -- being deliberate out it. Therapists -- especially Catholic IFS-informed therapist Sexaholics Anonymous or other groups Online groups -- like the Resilient Catholic Community Embracing the parts that carry our powerlessness, smallness, neediness -- we need those things, they are essential for us to be small enough to approach God. Those parts are precious Focus on Humility. Litany of humility. Litany of Trust Entering into relationship with God as a little child. Let the little children come to me. St. Therese of Lisieux. Serenity Prayer: Pray it every day. And listen. Commit to doing what you can, even it seems like very little. Remembering that as little children we can offer very little. Exploring and discussing our motives with our trusted person. Ask that person how he or she sees our motives. Bringing those motives to prayer. Lord that I may see. Prayer of blind Bartimeus. Domine ut vidiam. really working with our internal critic. Understanding the reasons for the shaming, the good that the critic seeks in that -- and helping that critic integrate with the rest of your system, under the leadership of your core self. Perseverance. It's normal to fall. We

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics -- the podcast formerly known as Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem! Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you in each episode the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life. In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. And we deal with these difficult, demanding issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God.'Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighborThis is episode 53, released on February 1, 2021This is the fifth episode in our series on sexuality and the third one on masturbation. And it is titled: Breaking Free from Masturbation, Part 2We're following up on our last episode, episode 52 -- Breaking free from masturbation Part 1. Part 2 is following Part 1. So today, we're continuing with finding answers for Catholics who deeply desire to have their sexuality ordered toward relationship, toward God, and toward their spouses or future spouses in a way that is life-giving.we're getting into answers for Catholics who experience masturbation as a dead-end, as a failed promise, as an inadequate answer for their deeper needs and desires. We address 6 more mistakes that Catholics make in their attempts to overcome masturbationAnd we will get into 10 more remedies for those additional six mistakes, and the last remedy is the most important one -- so important that I think of it as the secret solution, the one so few people who struggle with masturbation really consider, so we're saving the best for last there. Not just about masturbation -- you can take out masturbation and substitute in any other sexual problem -- fetishes, porn, sexting, sexual obsessions, sexual compulsions, excessive sexual fantasies, whateverPeople are also finding that these episodes are helpful for getting to the root any symptomatic behavior -- binge eating, excessive shopping or video games, too much vegging out on Netflix, and so on. Just to review, in the last episode, I promised you a map, not a ride in a limousine or on a flying carpet to your destination. It's a map, not an individualized treatment plan. This is not therapy. It's not magic. You still have to make your own journey. But this map lays out the terrain and the compass will provide direction for you on that journey. Some of you have been suffering for a long time. I get that. God sees your efforts, he sees your good intentions. Focus of this podcast is on interior integration -- overarching goal in the natural realm. Not talking about spiritual goals here, we are talking about the natural realm. So we need a way of understanding and modeling interior integration and also its nemesis -- interior fragmentation. I borrow heavily from Internal Family Systems approach, aka IFS approach, originated by Richard Schwartz.I reviewed it in the last episode, number 52. Parts are like personalities within us. Imagine a kid who is considering taking a cookie from the cookie jar. One part of him wants to have the cookie and another part wants him to be good and not have to struggle with a guilty conscience, and another part doesn't want to face Mom's anger if he gets caught. Mistakes List of mistakes Review of the first four Considering masturbation as the primary problem. -- Gotta go deeper Pursuing compartmentalization or fragmentation instead of interior integration Going it alone Using only the spiritual means Here are the next six Having a Power spirituality or a macho spirituality Passive Spirituality The why for the change Shaming the self for failures The All or Nothing Trap The biggest Mistake, the one almost everybody makes with this. Stay tuned till the end Mistake 5: Power spirituality -- Macho spirituality Slogan for the Power Spirituality -- God helps those who help themselves In February of 2000 George Barna did a poll asking if “The Bible teaches that God helps those who help thems

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics -- the podcast formerly known as Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem! Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you each week the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life. In this podcast, we ask and answer the tough questions about the real problems we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. And we deal with these tough issues for one primary reason: to free you to love God our Father, Jesus our Brother, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary more and more over time. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God's truth, goodness and beautyTogether, we are looking for a deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls unite with God and we can rise to the challenges and opportunities He provides us. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighborThis is episode 52, released on January 25, 2021This is the fourth episode in our series on sexuality and the second one on masturbation. And it is titled: Breaking Free from Masturbation -- A Roadmap We're following up on our last episode, episode 51 -- The Top 10 Reasons Why Catholic Men Masturbate. In that episode, we covered the underlying psychological issues that fuel impulses to masturbate. But it's not enough to just understand the issues more clearly We need guidance on how to live differently, how to work with the entirety of ourselves -- all of our parts, all of our modes of operating -- in the area of sexuality. So today, we're getting into answers for Catholics who deeply desire to have their sexuality ordered toward relationship, toward God, and toward their spouses or future spouses in a way that is life-giving.we're getting into answers for Catholics who experience masturbation as a dead-end, as a failed promise, as an inadequate answer for their deeper needs and desires. We will get into the first four mistakes that Catholics make in their attempts to overcome masturbationAnd we will get into the 10 remedies for those first four mistakesNot just about masturbation -- you can take out masturbation and substitute in any other sexual problem -- fetishes, porn, sexting, sexual obsessions, sexual compulsions, excessive sexual fantasies, whateverRemember that I promised you a map, not a ride in a limousine or on a magic carpet to your destination. It's a map, not an individualized treatment plan. This is not therapy. It's not magic. You still have to make your own journey. But this map lays out the terrain and the compass will provide direction for you on that journey. Some of you have been suffering for a long time. I get that. God sees your efforts, he sees your good intentions. Focus of this podcast is on interior integration -- overarching goal in the natural realm. Not talking about spiritual goals here, we are talking about the natural realm. So we need a way of understanding and modeling interior integration and also its nemesis -- interior fragmentation. I borrow heavily from Internal Family Systems approach, aka IFS approach, originated by Richard Schwartz. Really helps me clinically to understand the polarizations inside of myself and others -- the tensions, the conflicting desires and impulses, the internal tug-of-war, especially about moral issues that carry so much emotional weight, like masturbation And IFS not only helps us understand our internal world, it guides us as to how to heal, how to change, how to grow in the natural realm. This podcast is heavily influenced by IFS, but IFS grounded in a Catholic worldview.Review of Parts -- IFS perspective Multiplicity and Unity of Self Really helpful for understanding why Catholic men do what they don't want to do. Romans 7:15 -- St. Paul's lament I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Discussion of Parts within each person are separate collections thoughts, emotions, attitudes, impulses, desires, abilities, interests, relational styles, body sensations, and worldviews that are not just transient emotional states, but rather constitute discrete “parts,” subpersonalities or distinct modes of operating within the person’s larger internal system -- they seem like selves within us. Each part within us can met

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics -- the podcast formerly known as Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem! Interior Integration for Catholics brings to you each week the best psychological information essential for your human formation, knowledge that is so fundamental in shoring up the natural foundation for your Catholic spiritual life. In this podcast, we ask and answer the tough questions about the real problems we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. In order to free you to love God the Father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and Our Mother Mary, I help to you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God's truth, goodness and beautyTogether, we are looking for a deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls unite with God and we can rise to the challenges and opportunities He provides us. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighborThis is episode 51, released on January 18, 2021This is the third episode in our series on sexuality. and it is titled: Top 10 Reasons Why Catholic Men Masturbate.And maybe some of you think you know why Catholic Men masturbate. But maybe, just maybe some of you are not satisfied with the simple, surface answers. Maybe some of you suspect that there are psychological reasons may be a lot deeper than the common explanations would suggest. I'm here to say that I think there is so much more going on with masturbation than what may be available in conscious awareness. I've been a psychologist since 2001 and in the last 20 years, I've had the opportunity to explore the reasons for masturbation in the lives of many, many Catholic men. Top ten reasons that Catholic men give for why they masturbate -- but wait, there's moreTop ten deeper reasons why they really masturbateSo if you are interested in getting a much more complete answers, answers that plumb the depths of our psyches stay tuned. Why not women? Fair question. I've seen far more Catholic men actively struggling with this than Catholic women -- and I'm going off my clinical experience. Masturbation is a great concern for some women. I just know less about it in the lives of women. Many of the points are likely to be equally valid for women as for men. Valuable for women to understand why Catholic men masturbate. Parents, be mindful of how much of this you may want your young children to hear. Definitions Important to define our terms and be clear about the concepts Confucius: The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their proper namesAPA Dictionary of Psychology: n. manipulation of one’s own genital organs, typically the penis or clitoris, for purposes of sexual gratification. The act is usually accompanied by sexual fantasies or erotic literature, pictures, or videos. Masturbation may also include the use of mechanical devices (e.g., a vibrator) or self-stimulation of other organs, such as the anus or nipples. Objections: overdone sense of propriety -- Victorian age -- women not able to be examinedCoded language, often poorly understoodOften driven by a sense of shame -- a desire to hide. Victorian Age characterized by a lot of sexual acting out. Lots of it. "Self-abuse" Fear of talking about masturbation will increase the likelihood of masturbating. Depends on the context. In a clinical context, no. Rebuttal -- if we can put our experiences into language and share them verbally Much better able to engage our intellect Fr. John Hardon -- his 1981 book "The Catholic Catechism": in addressing masturbation P. 355: More than ever, the Church is becoming aware of the need for probing beneath the surface of not only what a person is doing by why he is doing it. Impulses and tendencies that well up from the subconscious (or unconscious) are seen as contributing to overt actions that reflect the behavioral pattern of the environment, even while they contradict the deepest values in which a person believes. Experiences no longer pre-verbal -- chaos of emotions, body sensations, images, sensory experiences, desires, impulses -- we need to be able to name them, or they remain shadowy, dark, ominous And our will -- we are less likely to act out on them less likely to sin Contradicts a commonly held notion - that if we ignore, suppress, repress, avoid a problem it will go away Sin thrives in the darkness Secular Psychology Views on Masturbation Joe Kort, Ph.D. 2020 Article in Psy

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics -- the podcast formerly known as Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem! And for one episode, the last episode we called it "Resilient Catholics" -- but there is a podcast out there already called "The Resilient Catholic" so we don’t want to create confusion and division. InteriorIntegrationCatholicsEncompasses Human Formation Radical Transformation Shoring up the natural foundation for the spiritual life Resilience I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighborThis is episode 50, released on January 11, 2021and it is titled: In Search of a healthy, ordered sexuality. This is the second episode in our series on sexuality. We are going to spend time on sexuality and in the coming weeks we will address many topics, including masturbation, pornography, adulterous affairs, pre-marital sex, asexuality, homosexuality, artificial contraception and sexual trauma and its effects. But to put those issues into context, we need to understand what a health sexuality looks like. Vitally important because sexuality is so sensitive to how we live our lives in the natural realm Also vitally important because an authentic Catholic view on sexuality is so radically different from what the world offers us. Most baptized Catholic reject Catholic teaching on many sexual issues. So many Catholics struggle with sexual issues. Lots of confusion. Lots of distress. We need a guiding star, an image of what sexuality should be. That's what this episode is about. We will look at the authoritative sources of Catholic teaching but really flesh them out in a way that appreciates how people are wired physiologically, neurologically and psychologically So we can have answers to why we so often find ourselves falling and going astray in the sexual realm. PartsExamplesVitally important to recognize a healthy sexuality because our sexuality is so sensitive to how we live our lives in the natural realm -- are we living in an ordered, virtuous way in harmony with natural and divine realities, or are we basing our actions on our subjective, distorted perceptions of reality. Sexuality is either the first or one of the first areas in our life to go wrong when we depart from reality. Sensitive barometer to how things are ordered or not ordered in our lives. Most baptized Catholic report that they reject Catholic teaching on many sexual issues. Pew 2014 Survey of more than 7200 Catholics, 57% Favor or Strongly Favor Same-sex Marriages Pew 2016 survey of 817 Catholics only 8% of Catholics believe using contraception is morally wrong. 41% believe its morally acceptable and 48% believe it's not a moral issue.Lots more statisticsSocial referencing: evaluating one’s own modes of thinking, expression, or behavior by comparing them with those of other people so as to understand how to react in a particular situation and to adapt one’s actions and reactions in ways that are perceived to be appropriate. APA dictionaryLukewarm Catholics look a lot like lukewarm Methodists, look a lot like lukewarm Jews, look a lot like lukewarm Buddhists, look a lot like lukewarm agnostics, look a lot like lukewarm atheists. Going with the cultural flowRelying on own perceptions and insightsEverybody being influenced by the societal trends. We don't want to be constrained Reductionism. Universal, Eternal Moral Laws --> Confining, chafing Rules --> outdated decrees from decades or centuries ago, promulgated by old white men in black cassocks who aren't supposed to be having sex anyway -- what do they know? How are these teaching possibly relevant to my life in the 2020s. Thou shalt not, thou shalt not, creating an impression that sex is bad, almost any sexual activity is bad, I'm tired of being told how bad I am . License vs. freedom Freedom is the capacity to choose the good for me and for others Freedom is the power, rooted in reason and will, to act or not to act, to do this or that, and so to perform deliberate actions on one's own responsibility. By free will one shapes one's own life. Human freedom is a force for growth and maturity in truth and goodness; it attains its perfection when directed toward God, our beatitude (#1731). License is the capacity to choose what I want -- to take what I want root of licentiousness -- lacking legal or moral restraints and especially disregarding sexual restraints Me as the measure Enlightenment -- man as the measure of all things instead of God. Ordered sexuality is what I think it is for me. Assumption that I know what is best for me, by my own lights No need for divine revelation No acceptance of an external authority Chesterton “We do not really want a religion that is

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Resilient Catholics -- the podcast formerly known as Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem! That's right, in this new year we have a new name, and it's fitting because we have broadened our scope to do so much more than help you, our listeners deal with the Coronavirus Crisis. When this started out. Coping skills, build resilience, not alone-- crisis management. Now a long crisis. Now not just about making it through the coronavirus crisisNow we are really about increasing resilience through transformation -- a radical transformation of self, overcoming anything that gets in the way of us loving God our Father and Mary our Mother with the trust and dependence of a little child. Resilience from a Catholic perspectiveAnd there are both great similarities and great differences in resilience understood from a Catholic Perspective and Resilience from a secular perspectiveResilience through Human formation -- a lot more to say about this in the future. We are still all about rising up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth right now, in these days, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighborThis is episode 49, released on January 4, 2021and it is titled: The secret impact of our shame on our sexualityThis is the 13th and final episode in our series on shame. We are wrapping up that series, but we will be coming back to shame over and over again in future episodes, because of how central it is in our lives. This is also the first episode on a new series of episodes, a new series all about sexuality. We are going to spend time on sexuality and in the coming weeks we will address many topics, including masturbation, pornography, adulterous affairs, pre-marital sex, asexuality, homosexuality, and sexual trauma and its effects. And we're going to get into the topic of sexuality the same way we do with all the topics on this podcast. We assume that what the Catholic Church has always infallibly taught to be true is indeed true, and then starting from that theological, philosophical and metaphysical base, we bring in the best of what psychology offers. And we harmonize the best of psychology with what we know to be true by Divine Revelation. Here we don't try to reshape Catholicism to fit the latest and greatest woke ideas from the world about sexuality. So I will be coming from that Catholic base. And that is a minority position in psychology -- if you want to know what the latest trends and beliefs are in the secular psychology community you can check out the guidelines that the American Psychological Association puts out on its website APA.org. This podcast is for people who really want to understand psychology harmonized with the perennial teaching of the Catholic church And to that end, I invite feedback, especially if I teach anything that is in error. Please get in touch with me at [email protected] or at 317.567.9594. Citations -- Catechism, Canon Law, Denzinger's Compendium, Ludwig Ott Fundamentals of Catholic DogmaDon't email me and tell me that a confessor you went to ten years ago said that masturbation is normal and God doesn't mind it all. That's not helpful. Sexuality is such a huge and complex issue and so confusing for people. One of the two most difficult topics for people to discuss. The other one? My relationship God, how I see God, all the personal or lack of personal connection with Jesus, with God our Father, with the Holy Spirit, with Mary, our Mother. Sexuality is difficult and confusing for so many reasons Shame is at the center -- hard to talk about this because it is so personal and so intimate, and often so bound up with shame. Sexuality not talked about, not discussed Modeling from parents -- conveyed a sense of embarrassment No modeling from others Deep feelings of incompetence, not knowing, not understanding Not sure about what is normal and not normal, what is morally acceptable, what is not Not wanting to embarrass a spouse or fiancé or girlfriend or boyfriend Not wanting to make the listener uncomfortable Not sure if the other person -- like a therapist -- will respect Catholic beliefs. Many clients reach out to Catholic therapists because of this fear -- if I am struggling with porn use or masturbation will this therapist inwardly mock my beliefs -- or outwardly say that masturbation is normal and porn use can enhance one's sexual experience. Many clients are afraid to disclose to a Catholic therapist their sexual experiences, for fear of being judged -- two-edged sword Some grounds for that -- some Catholic therapists are uncomfortable with hearing, may feel undue

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth right now, in these days, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. This podcast is about transformation -- a radical transformation of self, overcoming anything that gets in the way of us loving God our Father and Mary our Mother with the trust and dependence of a little child. This podcast is all about real love in real relationships and it's messy. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor -- This is episode 48, released on December 28, 2020 and it is titled: Shame and Repentance: St. Dismas it is the 12th episode in our series on shame. Thank you for being here with me. This episode stands alone Episodes 37, 38 and 39 lay out the conceptual foundations on shame Two episode we discussed how shame can lead to tragedy in the story of Judas Iscariot, and last episode, we looked at shame and redemption in the story of St. Peter Continuing to illustrate shame and related concepts with stories Now we are going to look at an story of intense shame and repentance. The story of the St. Dismas -- aka the "good thief" crucified at Jesus right handReally going to look inside of the mind, heart, body and soul today of St. Dismas in his passionReally focus on understanding what happened in his life Understanding him in terms of his parts -- his different modes of operating, or his subpersonalities. Making sense of his decisions, his choices In our suffering, we can learn from St. Dismas. An incredibly hopeful storyA story that offers us so much more than immediately meets the eye in the few verses devoted to him in the Gospels.

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth right now, in these days, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. This podcast is about transformation -- a radical transformation of self, overcoming anything that gets in the way of us loving God our Father and Mary our Mother with the trust and dependence of a little child. This podcast is all about real love in real relationships and it's messy. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor -- This is episode 47, released on December 21, 2020 and it is titled: Shame and Redemption: St. Peter and You it is the 11th episode in our series on shame. Thank you for being here with me. This episode stands alone Episodes 37, 38 and 39 lay out the conceptual foundations on shame Last episode we discussed how shame can lead to tragedy in the story of Judas Iscariot. Continuing to illustrate shame and related concepts with stories Now we are going to look at an story of intense shame and redemption. The story of the Apostle PeterReally going to look inside of Peter's mind, heart, body and soul todayReally focus on understanding what happened in his life Making sense of his decisions, his choices I share his name. I connect with him, he makes so much sense to me. Very similar parts. In our fallen world, in our fallen human condition, all of us have elements of what Peter struggled with. We can learn from Peter's redemption Profiling St. Peter Teaching you to recognize parts in other, parts in yourself I am an IFS therapist -- really interested in parts of people Understanding parts really helps us grow in the understanding of ourselves and others Socrates: Know thyself Jesus: Removing the beam in your own eye Recognizing, identifying your parts and the parts of others is really helpful for loving the other person. Why? Loving a person means accepting loving all their parts. All of them. It is really helpful to know a part in order understand what it needs. Doesn't mean affirming every actionDoesn't mean agreeing with every opinionDoesn't mean endorsing every desireDoesn't mean encouraging every impulseSee what you resonate with What are parts? Discrete, autonomous mental systems, each with own idiosyncratic range of emotion, style of expression, abilities, desires views of the world. Modes of operatingSubpersonalitiesOrchestra modelFocus is on integration. Get forced into extreme roles -- attachment injuries and relational traumas Three roles Exiles -- most sensitive -- become injured or outraged. Threatens the system, external relationshipsExploited, rejected, abandoned in external relationshipsWant care and love, rescue, redemptionshame. Need for redemption Managers Protective, strategic, controlling environment, keep things safe Obsessions. Compulsions, reclusiveness, passivity, numbing. Panic attacks, somatic complaints, depressive episodes, hypervigiliance. Firefighters Stifle, anesthetize, distract from feelings of exiles No concern for consequences Binge eating, drug/alcohol use, dissociation, sexual risk taking, cutting Parts can take over the person Like in Pixar Movie Inside Out -- anger taking over the control panel of the main character Riley We call it blending. IFS on the Self -- (recorded) Self defined as the seat of consciousness Self can be occluded or overwhelmed by parts When self accepts and loves parts, those parts transform back into who they were meant to be Self-led mind is self-righting. self -- Active inner leader -- more than mindfulness Parts find the relationship with the self very reassuring But to reap the benefits they have to unblend from and notice the self This is frightening can challenging to parts Agency in the parts -- parts are making decisions about unblending in IFS model Intrinsic qualities of the self Curiosity Compassion Calm Confidence Courage Clarity Creativity Connectedness Kindness The self can be easily occluded, obscured, hidden by protective parts who take over in response to fear, anger or shame St. Peters Parts -- or modes of operating Boldness, self confidence Overconfidence Manager Part. Fisherman who owned his own boat A part that wants to be big. Have to make quick decisions Dangerous occupation Respected in Galilee, a leader Courage, Fortitude Leads to forgetting the teaching of Jesus Established, married. Defends against a shame exile. Spontaneity/Impulsivity Manager leaping inQuick reactions -- this part leaps into action instantaneously Man of action Courage here too Trusted his instincts. Capable of intense emotionDriven by that emotion Seizing opportunities as they

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth right now, in these days, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges in our lives and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor -- it short, this podcast is all about relationships -- it's all about becoming much more relational in our lives and in our faith. This is episode 46, released on December 14, 2020and it is titled: Shame and Tragedy: Judas Iscariot and Youit is the tenth episode in our series on shame. Thank you for being here with me. Last episode we discussed how shame can lead to idolatry. Now we are going to look at an example of how shame did lead to idolatry the rejection of the true God for a false godthe story of Judas, whose life ended in tragedy, the tragedy of abandoning and betraying Jesus Christ, true God and true manReally excited about this episode Really going to look inside of Judas' mind, heart, body and soul today Really focus on understanding what happened in his life, why did he act the way he did. Why did he do it? I don't accept the typical explanations for Judas' behavior because they seem too simplistic, they don't resonate at all with me. In our fallen world, in our fallen human condition, all of us have elements of what Judas struggled with. I believe that there is the potential in you to repeat what Judas did. Fallen world, fallen natures. There but for the grace of God go I. Origin unknown, often attributed to John Bradford, Evangelical preacher of the 16th century. We can learn from Judas' tragic end. We are continuing to really immerse ourselves in the spiritual dimensions of shame. How shame on the natural level can impact us in spiritual ways Grace builds on nature -- disorder in the natural realm undermines the spiritual life. I like to teach through familiar stories, weaving stories together. Especially through Scripture, really getting into the Word of God.Deeper understand of the people in the Bible stories, to see them in three dimension, bringing them to lifeScripture is a gift from God to us -- a precious gift a way that God reveals himself to us And a way that God reveals you to you. If you look carefully, you can see aspects of yourself, parts of yourself in the people of Scripture You can connect with their experience, and I am here to help you with that. Stories help to illustrate the concepts we are learning and connect with them. Stories give us tangible examples so that we can really grip on to what we are trying to understand. Judas was an important, powerful, evocative and mysterious figure to me growing up from when I was 5 I remember being about 5 years old and insisting to my mother that Good Friday should really be called "Bad Friday" because of how Jesus died. Deeply impressed by the story of the passion and death of Jesus. 5 and 6 year old think in black and white -- clear, simple categoriesAnd I thought Judas was very, very naughty to betray Jesus and tell Jewish priests how to catch him so they could nail him to the cross. That was very naughty. And Judas was a thief, too. He stole things. That was important to me. Let me tell you a story about my history as a thief. I was not a very good thief. But I was a thief at one time. Stealing was not tolerated in my family. When I was five we were on our road trip back from the Christmas visit with grandma and grandpa, and we stopped at a gas station. Inside the store, there was a Christmas tree decorated with striped candy sticks. Not just red and white, this one had all the colors of the rainbow. Oooh, pretty. Oooh, tasty. Shiny, too. Pretty, tasty, shiny. I took one. I'm not sure I was even really aware I was stealing. Sucking on it in the car, making it sharp and pointy. Where did you get that? No pretense. Mom and Dad -- that's not right, Dad makes a U-turn on the two lane highway, and drove me back about 10 miles to the gas station and I had to go in and tell the manager what I had done. I surrendered the half-eaten pointed little striped candy stick. I was mortified. Manager was very gracious, made it no big deal. I experienced real shame at the time. And I vowed to reform and not steal ever again. From my parents' reaction, I learned that stealing was very, very bad. It was a rule not to steal, even a commandment -- Thou shalt not steal, and that included taking candy canes off of Christmas trees inside gas stations. A part of me really learned that to be good, you have to

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth right now, in these days, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges in our lives and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor -- it short, this podcast is all about relationships -- it's all about becoming much more relational in our lives and in our faith. This is episode 45, released on December 7, 2020Thank you for being here with me. and it is the ninth episode in our series on shame. and it is titled: How Shame Leads Us to IdolatryWe are now Diving into the spiritual dimension of shame.This podcast is all about transformation -- fundamental transformation of all of us -- all parts of us. Even the parts we keep secret, hidden. This podcast is all about removing psychological obstacles to following the two great commandmentsNot entertainment. Not about having a good time, just enjoying a entertaining podcast, funny and distracting.No this podcast is about developing a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, a personal relationship with the Holy Spirit, a personal relationship with God our spiritual Father, and a personal relationship with the Blessed Virgin Mary, our spiritual MotherAny psychological obstacles you have to relating with others, you will have in relating to God. You will bring those relational inhibitions, those relational problems into your spiritual life because they are formed into you and they have not been healed through experiencing throughout your whole being who God really is. Spiritual realm is not some special place where the relational limitations you have are just dispensed, you're no longer trouble with them. No, you are still you in the spiritual realm. Any psychological issues you have with your earthly father and mother you will bring into your relationship with God as Father and Mary as Mother. Child psychologist -- transferencesTwo major assumptions in the natural realm for why we don't have a personal relationship with a loving God. Assumption 1. We do not believe that we are worthy to be in relationship with God -- driven by shame Assumption 2. We do not believe that God is worthy to be in relationship with us -- driven by negative God images -- see episodes 23-29 Idolatry. We are not worshiping God as He is. And here is the more tragic part: We stay with those assumptions, even though they are so manifestly problematic and harmful. We don't seek, we assume that assumptions one and two are true. Her is the great offer I am making to you. I am inviting you on an adventure, an adventure to discover who you really are, an adventure to discover who God really is, and adventure in learning to relate and to connect with our God, our God who is personal, who is relational, who is loving, who is Love Himself. If you really knew who God was and you really knew who you are, and you really knew how God truly saw you -- you would always run to His loving arms. You really would. But you don't know these realities at a deep, integrated level. We know them to some degree in our heads, in a theological way, in an abstract way, we can quote the Catechism. But not in our hearts, our souls, and our bones. In fact, at a gut level, at an intuitive level the vast majority of us have varying degrees of certainty or confidence in very warped assumptions about ourselves and assumptions about God. These assumptions are wildly different from what God reveals to us about who he is and who we are through Scripture, through Tradition, and through the perennial teachings of our Catholic Church. In our hearts, in our bodies, in the depths of our souls, in our unconscious, We believe in lies. This is so common. And it's deadly and so much of it is driven by shame. Review of Shame Definition of Shame Explored this in a lot of detail in Episode 37, the first in our series on shame. Shame is: The primary problem we have in the natural realm -- foundational problem. Grace perfects nature, if our natural foundation is infused with shame, it makes the foundation for our spiritual life shaky, unreliable, uncertain. That gives birth to so many secondary problems -- we tend to focus on the secondary problems, the problems that are further downstream -- so we are not getting to the root. Shame is: a primary emotion, a bodily reaction, a signal, a judgement, and an action. (Click to episode 38 for a summary) Qualities of shame Shame is hidden. Hidden from others, hidden from God, often hidde

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving. This is episode 44, released on November 30, 2020Thank you for being here with me. and it is the eighth episode in our series on shame. and it is titled: Rape, Incest, Shame, and Silence: A True Story Reexamined, Part 3We continuing to deal with very heavy, very difficult material. We are continuing our deep exploration of the internal worlds of Crown Prince Amnon and Princess Tamar as recounted in 2 Samuel 13. We opened that up in Episode 40, with Part 1 We continued the story in Episode 43, last week with Part 2Now in Part 3, we are continuing to learn what we learned about shame in the conceptual information about shame from Episodes 37, 38, 39.We're going to focus on listening as we were learning about in Episodes 42 and that we continued practicing in episode 43 -- important to listen to episodes 40 and 43 before this one. Cautions (summarize below) There is an incestuous rape of a teenager in this story. I am not going into unnecessary graphic aspects about the rape itself there isn't a need to get into the all the specific details of it However, I am bringing out the emotional, relational and psychological impact of the traumas here, and not just the rape, but the betrayals and the failures to protect, and the injustice of it all and all the aftermath Those aspects -- betrayal, abandonment, the implications, the meaning of those contextual factors can be and often are worse than the actual physical violations. And Tamar tells us that in the scripture. Those realities can be very difficult to take, it's understandable why people want to avoid discussing them. We need to be real about these things. People who are traumatized, people who are burdened with shame, who are confused, who are lost -- they need resources. These kinds of awful violations happen. A lot. We need to talk about them. In this podcast I go into them. There is no neat and tidy way to talk about incest and sexual violence and its aftermath, especially the experience of shame. No whitewash, no clichés, no pious pablum. And we need to be able to put these thing into a Catholic context, see them from a Catholic viewpoint. Warnings --Summarize below. let's be prudent here in listening to the story -- not an episode for little kids to necessarily be listening to. As important as it is to deal with these topicsBe thoughtful about where you are in your life journey, where you are in your healing -- this story may strike close to home for many of youYou don't have to listen to the story or my analysis of it -- listen only if it is good for you -- even for people who are really psychologically well integrated, this is painful stuff. Unresolved sexual trauma -- this may be a great time, it may be a terrible time listen to it. Unresolved incestUnresolved betrayalUnresolved abandonment, especially by parents or church or civic leadersSibling issues. Window of tolerance the zone of nervous system arousal in which you are able to function most effectively. When you are within this zone, you can readily take in information, process that information, and integrate that information more readily. You can listen. People in the window of tolerance are feeling emotions at moderate levels, not overwhelmed with emotion (hyperarousal) and not numbing their feelings out (hypoarousal). Review of levels of listening -- check out episode 42. Brief review. Summarize below Listening to trauma may be easier with a written narrative than in person with the people immediately present Listening to -- Level 1 listening -- Listening with your mind, taking in information Often called active listening Listen carefully to what is happening in the story Grasping the content, the facts Requires attention, concentration, taking in what the person is saying. Focus externally on the characters, not internally on what is going on with your parts. Not distracted by own self-focus Listening for -- Level 2 listening -- Rarer. This is speculative, we hold it lightlyListening to fill in the gaps in each character's big pictureWhat is beyond and behind the words? Listening for the deeper layers of meaning in order to perceive what has not been said outright. understanding the experiential context for each of the characters Listening t

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving. This is episode 43, released on November 23, 2020Thank you for being here with me. and it is the seventh episode in our series on shame. and it is titled: Rape, Incest, Shame, and Silence: A True Story Reexamined, Part 2We are back to dealing with very heavy, very difficult material. We are going back to the story of Crown Prince Amnon rape of his half-sister the princess Tamar that is recounted in 2 Samuel 13. Remember that both Prince Amnon and Princess Tamar were King David's children. We opened that up in Episode 40, with Part 1 -- now that we have taken two episodes to look deeply at King David's upbringing, especially around shame and his wounds So that we can better understand his role in this present situation And now we are ready to return to the rape and so much of what went into it and came out of it. We are going to be applying what we learned about shame in the conceptual information from Episodes 37, 38, 39.We're going to focus on listening as we were learning about in Episodes 41 and especially 42. Cautions There is an incestuous rape of a teenager in this story. I am not going into unnecessary graphic aspects about the rape itself there isn't a need to get into the all the specific details of it However, I am bringing out the emotional, relational and psychological impact of the traumas here, and not just the rape, but the betrayals and the failures to protect, and the injustice of it all and all the aftermath Those aspects -- betrayal, abandonment, the implications, the meaning of those contextual factors can be and often are worse than the actual physical violations. And Tamar tells us that in the scripture. Those realities can be very difficult to take, it's understandable why people want to avoid discussing them. We need to be real about these things. People who are traumatized, people who are burdened with shame, who are confused, who are lost -- they need resources. These kinds of awful violations happen. A lot. We need to talk about them. In this podcast I go into them. There is no neat and tidy way to talk about incest and sexual violence and its aftermath, especially the experience of shame. No whitewash, no clichés, no pious pablum. And we need to be able to put these thing into a Catholic context, see them from a Catholic viewpoint. Warnings -- let's be prudent here in listening to the story -- not an episode for little kids to necessarily be listening to. As important as it is to deal with these topicsBe thoughtful about where you are in your life journey, where you are in your healing -- this story may strike close to home for many of youYou don't have to listen to the story or my analysis of it -- listen only if it is good for you -- even for people who are really psychologically well integrated, this is painful stuff. Unresolved sexual trauma -- this may be a great time, it may be a terrible time listen to it. Unresolved incestUnresolved betrayalUnresolved abandonment, especially by parents or church or civic leadersSibling issues. Window of tolerance the zone of nervous system arousal in which you are able to function most effectively. When you are within this zone, you can readily take in information, process that information, and integrate that information more readily. You can listen. People in the window of tolerance are feeling emotions at moderate levels, not overwhelmed with emotion (hyperarousal) and not numbing their feelings out (hypoarousal). Review of levels of listening -- check out last episode Listening to trauma may be easier with a written narrative than in person with the people immediately present Listening to -- Level 1 listening -- Listening with your mind, taking in information Often called active listening Listen carefully to what is happening in the story Grasping the content, the facts Requires attention, concentration, taking in what the person is saying. Focus externally on the characters, not internally on what is going on with your parts. Not distracted by own self-focus Listening for -- Level 2 listening -- Rarer. This is speculative, we hold it lightlyListening to fill in the gaps in each character's big pictureWhat is beyond and behind the words? Listening for the deeper layers of meaning in or

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving. This is episode 42, released on November 16, 2020Thank you for being here with me. and it is the sixth episode in our series on shame. and it is titled: Practicing Deep Listening: Understanding King David's ShameIntroduction to IFS. Developed by Richard Schwartz Discussion of Parts Discrete, autonomous mental systems, each with own idiosyncratic range of emotion, style of expression, abilities, desires views of the world. Modes of operatingSubpersonalitiesOrchestra modelFocus is on integration. Get forced into extreme roles -- attachment injuries and relational traumas Three roles Exiles -- most sensitive -- become injured or outraged. Threatens the system, external relationshipsExploited, rejected, abandoned in external relationshipsWant care and love, rescue, redemptionshame. Need for redemption Managers Protective, strategic, controlling environment, keep things safe Obsessions. Compulsions, reclusiveness, passivity, numbing. Panic attacks, somatic complaints, depressive episodes, hypervigiliance. Firefighters Stifle, anesthetize, distract from feelings of exiles No concern for consequences Binge eating, drug/alcohol use, dissociation, sexual risk taking, cutting Parts can take over the person Like in Pixar Movie Inside Out -- anger taking over the control panel of the main character Riley We call it blending. IFS on the Self -- (recorded) Self defined as the seat of consciousness Self can be occluded or overwhelmed by parts When self accepts and loves parts, those parts transform back into who they were meant to be Self-led mind is self-righting. self -- Active inner leader -- more than mindfulness Parts find the relationship with the self very reassuring But to reap the benefits they have to unblend from and notice the self This is frightening can challenging to parts Agency in the parts -- parts are making decisions about unblending in IFS model Intrinsic qualities of the self Curiosity Compassion Calm Confidence Courage Clarity Creativity Connectedness Kindness The self can be easily occluded, obscured, hidden by protective parts who take over in response to fear, anger or shame General state for most people is to be quite blended Leads to self-absorption 3 levels of Listening -- Laura Whitworth, Henry Kimsey-House, Phil Sandahl & John Whitemore 1998 Co-active Coaching: New skills for coaching people toward success in work and life. I am expanding their concepts. Listening to -- Level 1 listening -- Listening with your mind -- Many people struggle with this Often called active listening Listen carefully to what the person says Grasping the content Requires attention, concentration, taking in what the person is saying. Focus externally on the other person, not internally. Not distracted by own self-focus Listening for -- Level 2 listening -- Rarer. Characteristic of very good therapists. Listening in search of something-- filling in the gaps in the person's big pictureWhat is beyond and behind the words?Holding it lightly. Speculative endeavor. Listening to what the person does not sayListening with the third ear The "third ear," a concept introduced by psychoanalyst Theodor Reik 1983 Book , refers to a special kind of listening -- listening for the deeper layers of meaning in order to perceive what has not been said outright. It means understanding the emotional underpinnings conveyed when someone is speaking to you.What are we listening for? The person's experience -- to grasp the person's experienceEmotionsIntentionsThoughtsDesireAttitudes toward the world Glass half empty or half fullImpulses Vision of the worldWorking models of the world, assumptions. ValuesPurpose in lifeI listen for identity and for shame. Listening for both the words and the entire context 70-93% of communication is nonverbal -- Albert Mehrabia, Professor Emeritus at UCLA Voice -- tone, inflection, volume 38% of communication Body language -- glance patterns, facial expressions (including micrexpressions -- smiling matters a lot), posture, fidgeting, head movements, hand gestures, Summarized in his 1971/1980 book Silent MessagesBased on one word communicationsChallenged by Philip Yaffe debate about it.Faculty of imagination -- What Aristotle called Phantasia activities in

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving. This is episode 41, released on November 9, 2020Thank you for being here with me. and it is the fifth episode in our series on shame. and it is titled: Rewind: Trauma and Shame in King David's ChildhoodWe cover really difficult topics in this podcast -- we go to the really challenging places that other podcasts are unwilling or unable to go. Because we have to. Because people are caught in those places and they are hurting, because people are trapped and people are in danger, they are in peril. And we need to reach out to them. And you know what? We are those people too. We have parts of us trapped in bad places, places we don't understand, places we are afraid of, places that we don't want to go by ourselves, all aloneBut together, each of us can understand much more of our unconscious. This is the second of a subseries highly experiential episodes -- these episodes are opportunities for experiential learning -- to learn a lot about yourself -- about who you really are, about your history. St. Paul Romans 7:15 I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Romans 7:18b-19 I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want [that] is what I do. St. Paul doesn't understand himself -- St. Paul, a pillar of virtue, author of half the books in the New Testament, St. Paul, who endured outrageous sufferings, amazing self sacrifice -- he's admitting to being dominated by his unconscious. Isn't a question of willpower -- Paul had extraordinary willpower, hard to imagine many saints that can best him in terms of willpower. It’s a question of insight. Of understanding. Won't be completeBut we can have much more insight and understanding than we do now. Continuing story of Princess Tamar, Crown Prince Amnon, Prince Absalom, and King David But diving much deeper into in the inner experience of these characters and others Why did they do the things that they didWhy did they say the things that they didWhat were they thinking, feeling, sensing, believing, desiring, seekingAnd what where they missing, what where they forgetting, not noticing?What made them tick?Through clinical eyes. Much more to the story than the brief account in 2 Samuel 13 We will be using other sources -- e.g. archeology to help us understand the time and culture But also psychological insights about shame, trauma, the motives for the rape, Why -- not just to understand this story and the people this story But to help you understand your story and the people in your story Really about you understanding you I will be discussing the different internal parts or modes of operating for these men and women to help you gain insight into them. To make sense of their actions to see them in 3 dimensions instead of just in the short account given in the Scripture Scripture is the word of God -- we need to unpack it, we need to decode the human language of revelation as the Pontifical Bible Commission put it in The Interpretation of the Bible in the Church -- 1993 Pontifical Bible Commission, endorsed by St. Pope John Paul II Psychology and theology continue their mutual dialogue. The modern extension of psychological research to the study of the dynamic structures of the subconscious has given rise to fresh attempts at interpreting ancient texts, including the Bible. Psychological and psychoanalytical studies do bring a certain enrichment to biblical exegesis in that, because of them, the texts of the Bible can be better understood in terms of experience of life and norms of behavior. As is well known, religion is always in a relationship of conflict or debate with the unconscious. It [the unconscious] plays a significant role in the proper orientation of human drives. Psychology and psychoanalysis… lead to a multidimensional understanding of Scripture and help decode the human language of revelation. What I am offering is admittedly speculative -- I am speculating about motives, internal conflicts, internal experience of the real people in the story I won't get it all right But the point is to show you a way to think about internal experience -- your own and others in a much deeper, more insightful way. It's

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving. This is episode 40, released on November 2, 2020 -- we made it to forty together. Thank you for being here with me. Steep learning curve -- starting to find my groove now, not nearly as rough and awkward as when I started. and it is the fourth episode in our series on shame. and it is titled: Rape, Incest, Shame, and Silence: A True Story Reexamined, Part 1This is the first of three or four highly experiential episodes -- these episodes are opportunities for experiential learning -- to learn a lot about yourself and your history. Pushing the envelope of what is possible for learning from our experiences in an interactive podcast. Review Series on shame is vitally important. Most people can't define shame -- if we can't put what shame is into words adequate, we can't think about it clearly, we can't engage our intellect and our willDeficits even in experts' definitions -- they can be very incomplete -- even Brene Brown's definitions are incompleteReally critical to understand what shame and guilt are and what they cause, what they do to us. More than just natural life and death -- also spiritual life and death. We have been really exercising our deductive reasoning skills so far in this series on shame. Deductive reasoning Start by understanding basic principles and general concepts And reasoning from those, arrives at specific observations and conclusions Top down approach Starting from the general, and getting down to specifics Clarified definitions of shame and guilt -- really necessary Three episodes ago, in episode 37, we introduced shame as the silent killer who stalks us from within Defined shame -- I drew from many sources Conceptual exploration -- understanding a much more complete picture of shame as not only an emotion, but also a bodily response, a signal, a self-judgement and an action. Two episodes ago in episode 38, I invited you to see the signs of shame in yourself and others, to recognize shame in ourselves and in others, becoming better able to detect it, because shame very often, almost always, remains hidden and unrecognized from what it really is. Last episode, Episode 39 we discussed shame and guilt conceptually -- multifaceted aspects of guilt, three aspects -- guilt as a moral state, guilt as a legal state and guilt as an emotion. Comparing and contrasting shame and guilt -- conceptual distinctionsBut a lot of us struggle to learn that way -- with deductive reasoning, staring with generalities and drawing specific conclusions from them. Seems so intellectual, so conceptual, it can be hard for some of us to see it -- we need concrete examples, something we can see, feel, sense, something tangible that we can wrap our minds around.We need a story -- preferably a true story with real people who did real things, said real words, and who had real experiences. That kind of thing helps me understand the overarching principles. Stories and case histories help us with inductive reasoning -- going from the specifics of a real, given situation to general conclusions. Sometimes called bottom-up reasoning. Our Plan with the Story Today, we are going to start with a true story, a real story, chock-full of trauma, shame and guilt. And we will go through this story multiple times to really flesh it out. We will begin with the facts, the particulars, we will be getting into the detailsAnd from those specifics, we will work our way upward toward clarifying the general principles by studying them in a real-life context Can think of the principles we've learned about shame and guilt as the first broad strokes in a drawing, the outline of shame -- now we are going to bring in specifics, we will bring in details in color and this drawing will come alive in the story That is what we are doing today. We are start with a story. And eventually we will review what we have learned about shame and guilt, the conceptual ideas and we are going to put bring those concepts into this real-life situation. Preparation So the last three episodes provide the conceptual foundation for understanding shame and guilt in the natural realm, in the psychological realm. If you haven't listened to them and you are a conceptual thinker, you like the principles and ideas first, I w

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving. Thank you for being here with me. This is episode 39, released on October 26, 2020 and it is the third episode in our series on shame. and it is titled: The Real, Radical, and Resounding Differences Between Shame and Guilt. Two episode ago, in episode 37, we introduced shame as the silent killer who stalks us from within. Last episode, episode 38, I invited you to see the signs of shame in yourself and others, to recognize shame in ourselves and in others, becoming better able to detect it. That's important, because shame pulls us to allow our shame to remain hidden, unobserved, unrecognized for what it is. Shame is tricky, it's slippery, it loves to camouflage itself. Encourage you to listen to those last two episodes, very rich, RCCD community members discussing listening multiple times, really working on understanding. Now that we have a much better understanding of shame from the last two episodes, we are going to take the next step. This episode will stand alone, I will give you the context. Today, in Episode 39. We are going to understand much more deeply the difference between shame and guilt. Many people use them interchangeably they don't recognize a difference. I feel bad with both of them because something is wrong. Shame vs. Guilt Distinction. I asked about this in intake evaluations. Five negative emotions. Anger, Sadness, Fear, Shame and Guilt. What's the difference between shame and guilt. Most people could not tell me the difference. Rare that someone could give me a good answer. Do you know the difference between shame and guilt? Do your siblings know the difference? Does your spouse or significant other, do your friends, your kids, your siblings. As we will see, it a crucial distinction -- because the upshot is that we work with them in very different ways. focusing today recognizing the difference between shame and guilt Important psychologically Important spiritually Not just an idle curiosity, the kind of thing philosopher like to debate about But a real world concern Brene Brown: I believe the differences between shame and guilt are critical in informing everything from the way we parent and engage in relationships, to the way we give feedback at work and school. Bernard Williams (1993) claims that guilt and shame overlap to a significant degree and we will not understand either unless we take both seriously. Catholic guilt or Catholic shame. Review. Shame has been very difficult to define. Most definitions have been inadequate and very contradictory. Shame mentioned only once in the entire Catechism of the Catholic Church. CCC1216 on Baptism: Baptism is God's most beautiful and magnificent gift. . . .We call it gift, grace, anointing, enlightenment, garment of immortality, bath of rebirth, seal, and most precious gift. It is called gift because it is conferred on those who bring nothing of their own; grace since it is given even to the guilty; Baptism because sin is buried in the water; anointing for it is priestly and royal as are those who are anointed; enlightenment because it radiates light; clothing since it veils our shame; bath because it washes; and seal as it is our guard and the sign of God's Lordship. Shame not mentioned in Fr. Hardon's modern Catholic dictionary or in the Traditional Catholic Dictionary or in the 1917 Catholic encyclopedia. Shame also not listed in the American Psychological Association's Dictionary of Psychology. Ooops. Brene Brown: I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.Shame has five dimensions: shame is a primary emotion, shame is a bodily reaction, shame is a signal to us, shame is an internal self-judgement, and shame is an action -- a verb (review). Shame as primary emotion-- primary emotions are those that we feel first, as a first response to a situation. They are unthinking, instinctive, automatic emotions that we have. Heartset Can be conscious or unconscious Held by a part of us. -- part of us burdened with shame. Doesn't just come and go in waves Also a self-conscious emotion Also a moral emotion. Shame as a bod

Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving. Thank you for being here with me. This is episode 38, released on October 19, 2020 and it is titled: Seeing the signs of shame in yourself and others. We are going to understand much more deeply the nature of shame, where shame comes from and how it manifests itself inside of us, and how it is expressed. We are focusing today on learning more about shame and recognizing it -- recognizing it in ourselves and in others, becoming better able to detect it. Remember parts of the dynamics of shame include shame remaining hidden, unobserved, unrecognized for what it is. Shame is tricky, it's slippery, it loves to camouflage itself. We are in a series of episodes about shame. In future episodes we will get to how shame affects our spiritual lives and we will also focus on how to heal from shame, how to break out of the vicious shame cycles in which we find ourselves spinning. So Let's start by Circling back -- review of shame from the last session and then adding some real depth and nuance as we review and expand upon what we covered in the last episode, Episode 37. Shame is: The primary problem we have in the natural realmThat gives birth to so many secondary problems -- we tend to focus on the secondary problems, the problems that are further downstream -- so we are not getting to the root. Drawing heavily from Kathy Steele, Suzette Boon, and Otto van Der Hart -- trauma clinicians and researchers who have worked with real clinical population, real people, not just academicians. Also drawing from Richard Schwartz and Regina Goulding -- Mosaic Mind. Be open to really learning about this this can be challenging take what suits you -- can slow way down. If this is really activating for you, consider psychotherapy -- Souls and Hearts course on how to choose a therapist. If you can resolve your dysfunctional shame -- have a deep sense of being lovable and loved, by God, others and yourself, you've solved most of your psychological issues on the natural level. Shame has five dimensions: shame is a primary emotion, shame is a bodily reaction, shame is a signal to us, shame is an internal self-judgement, and shame is an action -- a verb (review). Adding today behavioral expression of shame These behavioral expressions of shame are not shame itself, but they are intimately linked with shame and some of the best indicators of unrecognized shame. Shame is more than most people assume. We tend to have very limited, very primitive understandings of shame -- very unidimensional. Let's review the five dimensions of shame. Shame is a primary emotion -- heartset Primary emotions are those that we feel first, as a first response to a situation. They are unthinking, instinctive, emotions that rise up spontaneously More nuanced. Just because you're not feeling shame in the moment does not mean that it's not there. Consider how a wave of anger feels. You feel normal, fine, then something happens and there is this intense anger or even rage, and then it passes, the anger goes away again. That how we typically think of these emotional experience. That how we make sense of them. But that's not how it is. That is a dangerous illusion. A falsehood. A pipe dream. The anger didn't just come and go, just like that. And you know this at some level, because sometimes you ask yourself -- why am I so angry about that little thing, why did something so minor just set me off? The emotional reaction is disproportionate to the trivial event. A wave of shame -- feels like it wasn't there, and then something happened, like a negative review from your boss it was there in all its intensity and you're just trying to hold it together through the rest of your performance review, and then the shame passes and you're not feeling it anymore. If I don't feel it, it's not there. Seems reasonable, right?But what if, what if that wasn't what really happened. What if the same amount of shame was within you the whole time -- it was just latent, outside of awareness. And rather than the shame coming and then going, what if it was your awareness of your shame and anger that changed. What if you at first where disconnected from your shame out of touch with it. Then your defenses were overrun and you were overwhelmed with shame

1. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving. a. Thank you for being here with me. This is episode 37, released on October 12, 2020 b. and it is titled: The Silent Killer Who Stalks You From Inside. 2. I want to talk with you about the silent killer, the worst adversary I face clinically, the greatest rival, the greatest opponent to love and life that I have ever met within another person or within myself. 3. This one is a very stealthy, effective, ruthless killer -- often hidden beneath the surface of our consciousness, in the murky waters deep below where we can see. But then at times it surfaces, Powerful, moving. And maybe you think I'm being dramatic -- but I'm not. I've seen it kill other and I've been seriously wounded by it myself. a. Killer on the natural level and also on the spiritual level. This assassin slays not only hearts, minds and bodies but also souls. A very comprehensive murderer, very complete, this hitman does his work often slowly but very thoroughly. b. Who is this killer? High blood pressure? No. Stroke? No. Heart disease? No. Diabetes? No. Cancer? No. These can and do kill bodies, but as serious as they are, they are nowhere near as deadly to most people as our silent killer. c. Who is this killer? The devil you say? Satan? No. Not Satan. Satan cherishes this killer, and prizes the stealthy sneaking, clandestine work.d. No, it's not Satan because this killer lives within us in a way that demons ordinarily do not. This killer has a pass to roam within us, to move in our being. Satan doesn't, unless we are possessed. Besides, Satan does not have permission to slay us, or to harm us unless God permits it, at least with His passive will, and only then for our greater good. e. This killer seems meek and modest, but when it whispers its messages in our ear, it evokes in us fear, anxiety, depression, and efforts to do more and more, and it can also provoke us to anger, aggression, and violence. Unchecked, this killer can bring us all the way to helpless, despair and suicide. f. Some of us try to numb ourselves to distract ourselves from this killer by using alcohol, drugs, food, binging on Netflix, hours of social media, masturbation, porn, shopping, compulsive exercise, gambling, surfing the web, video games, sleeping the day away, dissociating and even cutting and burning our bodies, all in an attempt to escape.g. Who is this killer? It is absolutely vital for us to know -- is it guilt -- no. Depression -- no, Anxiety, Fear, Anger -- no, no, no. Is it pride? No, not pride. But this killer has a close and intimate relationship with pride. The killer feeds pride and is nourished by pride. Who is it? Take a moment and really think about it. We need to know this killer, this adversary. And we will. Today we will be getting to know this silent killer. But not yet. We've got to look beyond the killer for a moment. 4. There is one thing that disarms this killer. One thing. And that one thing is Love. Real authentic Love. Charity. Love rescues us from this killer. It transforms us, makes us immune to the silent killer who no longer has power over us. So let's talk about love. 5. Shifting gears. Two great commandments -- a. Matthew 22:35-40 And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question, to test him. “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?” And Jesus said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the law and the prophets.”b. Main task is to love God and love our neighbor. With all of ourselves. All your heart, all your mind, all your soul. All of us. c. And we need to love our neighbor as ourself. Think about that. Love our neighbor as ourselves. i. Jesus doesn't say we need to love our neighbor more than ourselves -- it could be implied, but I wonder about whether that's possible. d. So that means we need to be loved i. Reflecting on last week's episode -- Why we flee from real love. the capacity to receive love -- ii. We discussed fear, avoidance, anger iii. We went into how real love burns, it requires us to give up dysfunctional coping mechanisms iv. It can r

Episode 36: Why We Flee from Real Love October 5, 2020. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being love and to loving. Thank you for being here with me. This is episode 36, released on October 5, 2020 and it is titled: Why We Flee from Real Love. 1. Getting right into it today, not reviewing, no listener questions, so buckle up. This is a critically important topic2. Three main reasons. Pain, fear and anger -- all rooted in misunderstanding and distortions. a. We want to avoid all these things. Natural instincts. i. Freud's pleasure principle: is the instinctive seeking of pleasure and avoiding of pain to satisfy biological and psychological needs.3. Tolerating being loved -- deliberate use of languagea. No, I just want to be loved -- what they are saying is I just want to be emotionally gratified. What we want i. Hallmark Card Commercials ii. Hallmark Movies iii. Romance novels. Easy love that just come naturally. Emotional Junk food that nourishes illusions. b. Easy to be loved when you are a baby-- natural openness and receptivityc. Negative experiencesd. Fallen natures in a fallen world i. Slings and arrows -- attachment injuries, relational wounds ii. More significant trauma iii. Sense of vulnerability, it's not safe. 1. Fear2. Avoidance3. Adam and Eve in Genesis 3 iv. We are familiar with the disorder, the dysfunction -- our ways of coping. e. People who want to focus on loving, not being loved. i. More "noble" ii. Focus is on the other iii. But so limited. Doing good things for the other, not "being with." 6. Real love burns -- it hurts -- a. Gratification and Frustration. b. Perfection of God's love has an impact -- burning, purifying effect -- refining of silver and gold i. 1 Peter 1:7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ii. Isaiah 48:10 Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction. iii. Zechariah 13:9 And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’” iv. Proverbs 17:3 The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and the Lord tests hearts. &...

Episode 35 Being Both Big and Small September 28, 2020. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of our Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being love and to loving. Thank you for being here with me. This is episode 35, released on September 28, 2020 and it is titled: Being Both Big and Small. Ok, so it’s time for questions from our listeners from the last couple of sessions. But only I got only one question from the last session in the Resilient Catholics Carpe Diem! community, and she essentially answered it so well herself in our RCCD discussion boards that I don’t have a lot to add. So I am going to make up a question – from an imaginary listener who wants to remain anonymous, so I am going to call him Johnny Hind: The good thing for a host about making up questions is that you can have them be exactly what you want them to be, and that’s what’s happening now. From Johnny Hind: Dr. Peter, what about responsibility? What about being grown up? I’m confused about how, the challenges of this world, I’m supposed to be mature, wise, virtuous and so on. That doesn’t sound like being a baby or a toddler. I can’t just curl up in a corner suck my thumb and wait for God and Mary to rock me to sleep all the time. I have responsibilities! How do I be both small, childlike, trusting and but also grow to the fullness of manhood or womanhood? Those are our questions for today. So for the last five episodes, numbers 30 to 34 we have been discussing being small, being like little children, going beyond just accepting our absolute dependency on God – but embracing it. following the words of our Lord Jesus Christ: Matthew 18 1-4 At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them, and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 19 13-15 Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people; but Jesus said, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” And he laid his hands on them and went away.Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. John 15:4-5 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 1 Peter 2: 2-3 2 Like newborn infants, long for the pure, spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow into salvation— Now we are going to look at the other side of the coin. Maturity, Responsibility St. Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. Ephesians 4:15 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ Sirach 15 Do not say: “It was God’s doing that I fell away,” for what he hates he does not do. Do not say: “He himself has led me astray,” God in the beginning created human beings and made them subject to their own free choice. If you choose, you can keep the commandments; loyalty is doing the will of God. Set before you are fire and water; to whatever you choose, stretch out your hand. Before everyone are life and death, whichever they choose will be given them. CCC 1730-1738 Freedom and Responsibility. So here we have the two demands. To be childlike and to be mature. To be small and to be big. These demands, to be small and big can become extremes. And in the spiritual life, there are two heresies that reflect these two extremes: Quietism and Pietism. Two extremes: Quietism The Spanish theologian Miguel de Molinos developed Quietism. From his writings, especially from his "Dux spiritualis" (Rome, 1675), sixty-eight propositions were extracted and condemned by Innocent XI in 1687 Catholic Encyclopedia. Quietism in the broadest sense is the doctrine which declares that man's highest perfection consists in a sort of psychological and spiritual self-annihilat

Episode 34 Radical Receptivity September 21, 2020. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com. Thank you for being here with me. This is episode 34, released on September 21, 2020 and it is titled:. Radical Receptivity. Radical spiritual receptivity. We’ve been building up to this topic over the last few weeks, so before we get into radical receptivity, let’s just cast a glance back where we’ve been over the last few episodes: In the last episode, episode 33, we explored openness in the natural realm· Because Grace perfects nature, we often start with the natural realm· looked at how psychologists define openness o Openness as one of the big five personality traits§ Along with neuroticism, extraversion, agreeableness and conscientiousnesso open individuals are curious about both the inner and outer worlds, they have experientially rich lives compared to closed individuals. o Lack of conventionality, willingness to question authority, prepared to consider new ethical, social, and political ideas.· we looked at the six domains within openness: o fantasy, aesthetics, feelings, actions, ideas, and values (repeat) Today, we’re going to look at openness in the spiritual life, in the spiritual realm. Receptivity: · I often use the word receptivity to capture a sense of openness in relationship with God and Our Lady, our spiritual parents. And not just openness – but more than openness. o having the quality of receiving, taking in, or admitting.o able or quick to receive knowledge, ideas, etc.: a receptive mind. Mindseto willing or inclined to receive suggestions, offers, etc., with favor: a receptive listener. Mindset:o What about taking in relationship, connection – relational receptivity. o Radical openness. Toddler, infant – taking in almost everything he has. So in this episode, we’re going into radical openness in the spiritual life, what I am calling radical receptivity to emphasize how we need to take in to receive from God and our Mother Mary. Remember, the primary developmental task of the infant and toddler is to learn to trust. We discussed this in episodes 30 and 31. Our primary task is to learn to trust. And remember that we’ve identified that the one essential thing for a Catholic to be resilient is that childlike trust, that absolute confidence in God. Psalm 22: Yet it was you who took me from the womb; you kept me safe on my mother’s breast. 10 On you I was cast from my birth, and since my mother bore me you have been my God. 11 Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help. You kept me safe on my mother’s breast. If we have that childlike trust, that absolute confidence in God, nothing stops us from being resilient. We can fall down, and we can get up, because we have a deep awareness, in our bones, that we are deeply loved, cherished, that God and Mary delight in us. But this childlike trust, this absolute confidence is the primary area where we fail. Listen to the way that St. Peter refers to us as Christians, as Catholics: 1 Peter 2: 2-3 2 Like newborn infants, long for the pure, spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow into salvation— 3 if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. Listen to St. Paul: But we proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children. 1 Thessalonians 2:7But I, brethren, could not address you as spiritual men, but as men of the flesh, as babes in Christ. I fed you with milk, not solid food; for you were not ready for it; and even yet you are not ready, for you are still of all the flesh. (1 Corinthians 3:1-3)The Church, the Blessed Virgin Mary, and God’s tender care, like a mother. Isaiah 49 “Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Rejoice with Jerusalem, and be glad for her, all you who love her; rejoice with her in joy, all you who mourn over her; that you may suck and be satisfied with her consoling breasts; that you may drink deeply with delight from the abundance of her glory. (Isaiah 66:10-11) As a clinician, I see this so much psychological baggage around trust, so many psychological impediments around this absolute confidence in God, and these stemmed from negative experiences we’ve had. It doesn’t have to be abuse or neglect, can also be just the common attachment injuries that we sustain, believe us to be guarded, careful, and cautious. We bring these into our relationship with God our father, and with Mary ou

Episode 33. – Being Open and Coping Well September 14, 2020. Intro: Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem!, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth in this time of crisis, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. We are going beyond mere resilience, to rising up to the challenges of this pandemic and becoming even healthier in the natural and the spiritual realms than we were before. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski your host and guide, with Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com. Thank you for being here with me. This is episode 33, released on September 14, 2020 and it is titled: Being Open and Coping Well Today we’re going to explore openness in the natural realm. And as a special bonus, we will explore closedness. Abierto Cerrado. Review: Episode 32: Ways to increase trust, especially given the negative experiences. 0-24 months. Exercise – popular. Need more of that. Episode 31 The One Thing You Must Have to Be Resilient. The one thing that you need, the one prerequisite. Absolute childlike trust There is one thing that separates those who are resilient from those who are not. Childlike Trust (particularly in God’s goodness and his Providence for me in particular) separate those who are resilient from those who are not. Absolute confidence in God. Episode 30: discussion of why we mistrust God so much, and it is because we are trying to be way too big. Trying to make it on our own we don’t feel safe. Trust is faith in action. We hate and fear the dependency required to be in a real relationship with God. Reciprocal relationship between openness and trust. Why do I bring in Non-Catholic ideas: What makes me different. Not closed to new ideas. Catholic with a small c -- universal.St. Augustine: On Christian Doctrine (De Doctrina Christiana) CHAP. 40.—Whatever has been rightly said by the heathen we must appropriate to our uses. Paragraphs 60 and 61 Branches of heathen learning … contain also liberal instruction which is better adapted to the use of the truth, and some most excellent precepts of morality; and some truths in regard even to the worship of the One God are found among them. Not only natural learning, but we can learn truths regarding the worship of God. Freud. How many times have I heard Freud being dismissed out of hand by Catholics because of his views on religion. I get it. Freud: God as an illusion, we’re like infants who need a big, strong father to keep us safe and secure. A big daddy in the sky. Religion had its uses to keep the unwashed masses subdued so that civilization could develop. We needed something to help us restrain violent impulses and keep life on earth from turning into an episode from Jerry Springer. But now we have reason and science. Reason and Science. I travel in a lot of traditional Catholic circles, I attend the Latin Mass, love the beauty of the ancient Mass. Not a lot of traditional Catholic psychologists. Consulted nationwide, coming to Indianapolis, lot’s of suspicion. Lots of rejection of psychology But listen to what Freud is saying – we need a father. We have an infantile need for a Father. He says it more clearly than a lot of Catholic speakers do – which Catholic media personalities have you heard really driving home the point that we are little, like todders, like infants in our need. Freud found part of the Truth. Pope Francis. Not to bash the pope. Not about that in Souls and Hearts or this podcast or the RCCD community. September 8, 2017 New Yorker The Pope’s Shrink and Catholicism’s Uneasy Relationship with FreudPope Francis Sought Psychoanalysis at 42,” the Times headline read. Other outlets treated the news more salaciously—“Pope Reveals,” “Pope Admits.” Some noted that the psychoanalyst in question was Jewish, or that she was a woman. Below the headlines, though, the stories were the same: a French sociologist named Dominique Wolton had published a book of interviews with the Pope, and, buried on page 385, amid discussions of the migrant crisis and the clash with Islam, America’s wars and Europe’s malaise, was the four-decade-old scoop that had made editors sit up. “I consulted a Jewish psychoanalyst,” Francis told Wolton. “For six months, I went to her home once a week to clarify certain things. She was very good. She was very professional as a doctor and a psychoanalyst, but she always knew her place.”Almost immediately, the news drew venom from the Pope’s detractors. A writer for the Web site Novus Ordo Watch, a mouthpiece of the ultra-conservative Catholic fringe—its slogan is “Unmasking the Modernist Vatican II Church”—insisted that Francis’s treatment by a “female Jewish Freudian” was “a really big smoking gun,” incontrovertible evidence that his “mind is saturated with Jewish ideas.”Jorge Mario Bergoglio appears to have undergone such an experience before he became Pope. When he started psychoanalysis, he was in the last year of his ten