How To! with Mike Pesca

Chris's childhood was defined by the Pentecostal church, where his father is a minister and his siblings are following the same path. But when Chris went to college, his views on the church changed, and now at age 23, he no longer identifies as religious. That's caused a major rift with his parents, and Chris can't stand the tension anymore. On this episode of How To!, we bring on Patricia Lockwood, a poet and writer who chronicled her own experience leaving the church in her memoir Priestdaddy. Raised in a strict Catholic family with a father for a priest (thanks to a rare loophole), Patricia thought she was done with religion by the time she was in her early 30s. But when an unexpected financial crisis prompted her and her husband to move back in with her parents, Patricia learned a new way to bridge the gap between them. Reflecting on your shared values, Patricia says, is key to connecting with your parents, even if you're still leaving their religion behind. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Talk Politics Without Wrecking Relationships." Do you have a seemingly impossible problem? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ever since Casey's husband had his identity stolen, Casey hasn't been able to relax. She spends late nights and weekends obsessively checking their family bank accounts and scouring the web for information on the thieves who live just 15 minutes from her house. The police told Casey that an arrest is unlikely, so how can she find closure and move on with her life? On this episode of How To!, we bring on Abby Ellin, journalist and the author of Duped, who experienced a personal betrayal of her own—almost marrying a con man. Abby shares what she learned about getting over a breach of trust when there's no resolution in sight. The bottom line: You have to create your own kind of closure. Don't let the thief steal any more of your time. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Get Away With Murder." Do you have a seemingly impossible problem? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Juliet knows she's one of the best tennis players in her community league, but whenever she gets on the court, she's paralyzed by self-consciousness. Did the crowd notice how bad that shot was? With all eyes on her, Juliet keeps bungling big points and losing matches she should win. On this episode of How To!, new host David Epstein brings on Sian Beilock, president of Barnard College and the author of Choke, to walk us through the science of why sometimes we play our worst when it matters the most. For Juliet to ace her game, Sian says, she needs to practice being self-conscious and then learn to push past it. It's all too common for women to shy away from natural competition for fear of "not being nice," but playing to win doesn't mean you have to be a jerk—advice that applies to Juliet's life off the court as well. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Perform Under Pressure." Do you have a seemingly impossible problem? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Samantha Power knows what it's like to arrive in Washington, D.C. and feel a little lost—literally. She once couldn't find the oval office. But more than that, as a Pulitzer Prize-winning human rights activist and former UN Ambassador under President Barack Obama, Samantha had to learn to balance her beliefs with actually getting things done. On this episode of How To!, Samantha, the author of The Education of an Idealist and President Joe Biden's pick for a post on the National Security Council, gives advice to new Congresswoman Marilyn Strickland, a Democrat from Washington. Marilyn has big plans for her first term in Washington, but isn't sure how to navigate this fraught period of American politics. In this conversation, the two women discuss how to stay true to your ideals and still make a difference, while sharing lessons in leadership that all of us can use. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Survive a Public Shaming with Katie Hill." Do you have a seemingly impossible problem? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Here at How To! headquarters, we give and receive a lot of good advice. This year we learned how to talk politics without wrecking relationships, lose weight and keep it off, confront a crazy neighbor, and even survive a shark attack. As 2020 draws to a close and we look ahead to the New Year, the How To! team comes together to round up our favorite advice of the year. We talk about how we applied that advice to our own lives, share some surprising updates from folks who were on the show, and give a behind-the-scenes look at how the podcast is made each week. Did we forget to mention your favorite advice of the year? Let us know with a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Are you sick of sourdough? Stress-baking the same chocolate chip cookies every week? Our listener Daniel understands—he's been baking like crazy during this pandemic, but is feeling tired and uninspired lately. On this episode of How To!, we bring on Claire Saffitz, pastry chef, beloved host of Bon Appétit's "Gourmet Makes" series, and author of the new cookbook Dessert Person, to hack Daniel's kitchen pantry and find new ways to use familiar ingredients. As Claire and Daniel make miso buttermilk biscuits together over Zoom, Claire not only shares tips for all the amateur chefs out there, but also opens up about how baking helped her learn to manage her anxiety and adapt to difficult situations. These days, we need the biscuits and the lessons. Check out the full recipe. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Cook One Perfect Meal." Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Erin thinks her dog Chief has the most embarrassing habit—he keeps eating her daughters' underwear. This has happened several times, resulting in multiple costly surgeries. If she can't put a stop to it, it could eventually kill Chief. How can she get her dog to behave and, more importantly, get her teenage daughters to put their underwear in the hamper? On this episode of How To!, Jenny Slate, comedian, actress, and author of Little Weirds, opens up about the time her dog ate something he shouldn't have—and let's just say it's worse than underwear. But Jenny adores dogs and believes they have something important to teach us. You have to accept your loved ones' limitations, Jenny says, and when problems arise, tailor your solution to what suits them best—advice that applies to both dogs and teenagers. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Confront a Crazy Neighbor with Tig Notaro." Do you have a seemingly impossible problem? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Irina and her husband are more than $100,000 in debt. They're working to pay it off, but between monthly credit card bills, student loan payments, 401k contributions and spending on their new baby, their money is spread too thin. In this episode of How To!, we bring on Rachel Cruze, a personal finance expert and author of Know Yourself, Know Your Money, to help Irina create a budget that she can actually follow. It will seem hard at first, Rachel says, but if you cut up your credit cards and pause your retirement investments, you can get out of debt much sooner. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Get That Promotion You Deserve." Do you have a conundrum? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Katie is terrified of dying. As the youngest in a big family, she can't stop thinking about the fact that all her loved ones may die before she does. Katie is a comedy writer who knows how to get laughs, but her obsession with death is real, and getting in the way of living. In this episode of How To!, we bring on Rachel Menzies, a psychologist and researcher at the University of Sydney and author of Tales from the Valley of Death, to share what she's learned about death anxiety. Exposure therapy is often the most effective way to overcome your fears, but how do you expose yourself to death? Rachel has some unusual ideas for Katie—and all of us—to take control of these intrusive thoughts, starting with lying in a body bag. Focusing deliberately on death, Rachel says, can actually help us appreciate life. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Not Be Scared." Are you afraid of something? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lauren and Carlos are afraid their marriage is at a breaking point. With Carlos out of work, an active toddler to care for, and another child on the way, Lauren and Carlos are feeling pressures familiar to many newlyweds—and the pandemic has only made it worse. Can we help this couple find their way back to each other? On this episode of How To!, we bring on John and Julie Gottman, who are not only co-founders of The Gottman Institute and co-authors of Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, but also have been married to each other for more than three decades. They help Lauren and Carlos begin to heal their relationship with tips that can apply to all couples. For starters, you are not your partner's therapist, Julie says. Looking for patterns in their behavior will only drive you further away from understanding each other. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Tame a Chaotic Household." Could you use some relationship advice? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Matt's dad believes some crazy conspiracy theories—that the moon landing was faked, that JFK's assassination was an inside job, and that QAnon is real. Matt can't stand talking about politics—or really anything—with his dad these days, but he's desperate to preserve their relationship. In this episode of How To!, we bring on Colin Dickey, cultural historian and author of The Unidentified, to explain why conspiracy theories are more popular than ever. To get through to a loved one, Colin says, don't dismiss the conspiracy theory outright. If you want any hope of changing someone's mind you have to first understand the void that it may be filling in their life. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Confront a Crazy Neighbor With Tig Notaro." Do you have a struggling relationship with a family member? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Abe's girlfriend wants to try something different—sleeping with other people. In other words, she wants an open relationship. Abe could be on board, but he has some questions. How does that work exactly? What are the ground rules? And what if it ultimately causes them to break up? After all, they've been a couple for the better part of 10 years, and just moved back in together after some time apart. In this episode of How To!, we bring on Rich Juzwiak and Stoya, columnists for Slate's How To Do It sex advice column. Rich and Stoya have the expert tips—and the personal experience—to help Abe navigate this brave new world and decide whether an open relationship is right for him. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Talk to Your Son About Sex." Do you have a question about how to make your relationship work better? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Mike is an average guy on a mission to change the state of Florida—specifically, to convince the Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission to stop overspraying the rivers and lakes with herbicides. As a fisherman, Mike cares deeply about the waterways in his state, but he's struggling to break into the conversation and make a real impact. In this episode of How To!, we bring on Erin Brockovich, the citizen activist and inspiration for the Oscar-winning film Erin Brockovich starring Julia Roberts. Drawing on her new book Superman's Not Coming, she has tips for how Mike can follow in her footsteps to enact environmental change. As much as Mike may want to keep shouting about his cause until someone listens, he may need to switch tactics to actually get people to hear him. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Save the Planet (And Still Use a Plastic Straw)." Are you facing a challenge that seems insurmountable? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sam and his sister used to be close, but lately their relationship feels strained. Years of favoritism toward Sam by their parents has taken its toll and now, after one disastrous family celebration, Sam worries he may lose his sister entirely. Can Sam save their relationship before it's too late? In this episode of How To!, we bring on a pair of famous siblings who have navigated everything from an estranged father to Hollywood drama: Kate and Oliver Hudson, actors and the hosts of Sibling Revelry. The Hudsons know how hard it can be to redefine your relationship in adulthood. To start, separate your own struggles from your sibling's and bring the focus back to your shared experience. You don't need to sort out a lifetime of baggage in one conversation, but try to remember the original bond you had as siblings growing up. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Put Your Wife's Career First." Do you have a family problem you need a third-party perspective on? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have you ever had a moment where you realized… I'm becoming like my parents? For many of us that can be a funny realization, but for Michelle it was a wakeup call. Her mother can be a bit of a drama queen, and as time has gone on, Michelle feels like the way she reacts to stressful situations mirrors that of her mother. In fact, Michelle's boyfriend once told her she was turning into her mother, which, according to Michelle, was "the worst thing anyone could ever say to me." In this episode of How To!, we bring on Susan David, a professor at Harvard Medical School, and the author of Emotional Agility. She has tips for how Michelle can recognize the patterns she's falling into and turn her emotional fragility into emotional agility. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Walk Away From an Impossible Parent." Do you have a relationship you'd like to mend? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Isabelle decided to spend her gap year as a political volunteer campaigning on behalf of Joe Biden. She's been writing postcards, making phone calls, and even posting on social media. But she worries she's not making enough of an impact, and is surprised by how many people are convinced their vote doesn't matter. In this special bonus episode of How To!, we bring on Don Green, professor of political science at Columbia and co-author of the book Get Out the Vote: How to Increase Voter Turnout. He recommends the most effective way to connect with potential voters and convince them to actually cast their ballot. It turns out yard signs are overrated. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Talk Politics Without Wrecking Relationships." If you have a question, send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Back in 2018, newly elected U.S. Representative Katie Hill was a rising star in the Democratic Party. Then unauthorized nude photos of her were leaked to a right-wing blog by her estranged husband, triggering a House Ethics investigation. Katie denied the worst allegations but admitted to a relationship with a female subordinate on her campaign, and, amid immense pressure, resigned her seat. Since then she has written a new memoir She Will Rise, and continues to fight for her reputation. In this episode of How To!, we bring on Jon Ronson, the author of So You've Been Publicly Shamed, to help Katie understand what she went through and put it behind her. They discuss other examples of public shaming and how gender factors into the equation. Who determines the appropriate level of accountability and how do you know when you've apologized enough? No matter what happened, Jon says, we should all think twice before piling on to a public shaming. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Say the Right Thing at the Worst Time." Do you have a relationship you'd like to mend? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

On a recent phone call Shannon's mom didn't mince words: The only way she'd vote for Joe Biden is if Jesus himself comes down and tells her to. Growing up in a conservative household, Shannon understands her parents' support for Trump. But she no longer sees eye-to-eye with them and every time they talk about politics it turns into a fight. The result is a complete fraying of their relationship. In this episode of How To!, we bring on Bill Doherty, professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, and co-founder of the non-profit Braver Angels, to help Shannon and her parents navigate this heated election season. The most important thing to remember, Bill says, is that you can't change your parents' minds. But you can still save your relationship by recognizing shared values and treating each other as people, not political opponents. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Get a Stubborn Parent to Listen." Do you have a relationship you'd like to mend? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

John needs to shed 15-20 pounds. At age 72, on the cusp of retirement, he wants to reduce his blood pressure medication and have more energy to travel. John knows how to lose weight—at an earlier point in his life he lost more than 50 pounds! But now he's gained much of it back, and with his wife baking him more sweets during the pandemic, he can't motivate himself to keep the weight off. In this episode of How To!, we bring on Katy Milkman, a behavioral economist at the University of Pennsylvania to help John try some new mental tricks to achieve his goals. Start by reengineering your environment, Katy says, then create a concrete plan with loved ones who can hold you accountable. John can use a turning point, like his impending retirement, to kickstart a new weight-loss regimen that sticks. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Lose 155 Pounds Happily." Do you have a bad habit you need to break? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

One day in 1987, a young girl in a small town in upstate New York disappeared and then turned up dead. For seven years her murder went unsolved, until police finally caught the killer, a local man whom everyone knew. The town would never be the same, according to our listener Jen who grew up there. She's a true crime fanatic and first-time podcaster who wants to investigate how the murderer got away with it for so long. In this episode of How To!, we bring on Jessica Garrison, a BuzzFeed News senior editor of investigations and author of the book The Devil's Harvest. She shares the story of a notorious California contract killer who got away with more than 30 murders over 3 decades before he was brought to justice. In order to understand how that could happen, Jessica says, you need to look at the victims, who are often powerless and overlooked by society because of their class, race or immigration status. The ways in which we tell their stories can have outsized consequences on the entire criminal justice system. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Forgive the Unforgivable." Do you have a mystery in your life you need help solving? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Shayne defuses bombs for the military, but in his personal life he's terrified of confrontation. Take, for example, the time his kids' babysitter cleaned out a week's worth of groceries from his fridge and he never said anything. Shayne wants to be understanding and give people the benefit of the doubt, but he ends up feeling taken advantage of time and time again. On this episode of How To!, we bring in Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator and author of Never Split the Difference, to help Shayne stand up for himself. No matter how conflict-averse you are there are a few key ways you can persuade people to give you what you want—whether you're arguing at home with your spouse, trying to get a free upgrade at a hotel, or, in Chris's case, negotiating with terrorists. Empathy can be a powerful tool, Chris says, if you know how to use it. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Convince People to Give You Money." Are you worried about accomplishing your goals? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

College application season is here and Aria, a 17 year-old senior, is stressing—even more than usual. At her high school in Chicago's south suburbs, she gets good grades, is on the cheer team, in multiple honor societies, leads the choral ensemble, and hosts her own feminist podcast. But now that Aria's learning remotely during a pandemic, her anxiety is off the charts. How can she possibly choose a college, much less a career, amid such uncertainty? In this episode of How To!, we bring in Eve Ewing, a multi-talented poet, author, and sociologist, to help Aria work through her worries about the future. Like Aria, Eve spent time in Chicago-area public schools—first as a student and then, to her own surprise, as a teacher. Eve knows you can't plan your exact path from Point A to Z. Instead, just focus on taking the next best step forward, Eve says, and trust that when you do, you'll be getting that much closer to the person you're destined to become. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Perform Under Pressure." Are you worried about accomplishing your goals? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Thirteen-year-old Henry seems like a model son. He gets good grades, plays on the hockey team, and has a solid group of friends. But Henry's been spending a lot more time on the Internet during the pandemic, and recently brought up something that troubled his parents—that a woman could ruin a man's career by accusing him of sexual harassment. Now his parents wonder what other forms of toxic masculinity Henry is learning online and in the locker room. In this episode of How To!, we bring on Peggy Orenstein, author of Boys & Sex, to share what she's learned about how to raise a boy into a modern man. When it comes to sex and consent, Peggy says, this shouldn't be one single talk. Instead, over the course of many conversations, help your kids understand that most media—and especially porn—does not portray sex realistically. Try to talk about intimacy in a positive way, rather than just warning your son what to avoid or how things can go wrong. If you liked this episode, check out "How To Get Your Kid to Finally Grow Up." Do you need help having a hard conversation? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Anna is sure the amount of time her two children spend on YouTube or Roblox cannot be good for them. With remote learning this fall, Anna is worried their addiction to screens is only going to worsen, stunting their imagination and exposing them to dangers online. In this episode of How To!, we bring on Devorah Heitner, author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World, to help Anna figure out the most constructive ways to monitor and guide her children's screen time. The first step, Devorah says, is to realize not all screen time is created equal. Stop thinking of technology as the enemy. Instead, how can you help your kids translate their obsession with video games or social media into real-world skills? If you liked this episode, check out "How To Put Down Your Phone." Do you have a bad habit you need to break? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Mitchell is a physical therapy student who dreams of revolutionizing the industry. What if physical therapists and their patients weren't so constrained by insurance companies? His classmates and professors think he's crazy, but Mitchell thinks disrupting the status quo could help a lot of people—if only he knew how to get started. On this episode of How To!, we bring on Guy Raz, the host of NPR's How I Built This and author of the new book of the same title, to share what he's learned from the hundreds of entrepreneurs who have come on his podcast. When calculating risk vs. reward, Guy says, think about the difference between something being scary vs. dangerous. It's scary to build a startup and potentially fail, but think how dangerous it would be to have a boring job always wondering "what if"? If you liked this episode, check out "How To Fire Your Daughter." Do you have a dream you wish you could turn into reality? Send us a note at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices