Horror Movie Talk

Why make the feature length version of a beloved fake trailer when you can make a watered down Blumhouse-style remake? Synopsis Plymouth, Mass the indigenous home of the pilgrims is beset by a mysterious Thanksgiving-inspired killer. Wearing the mask of Plymouth’s founder and dressed as a pilgrim, the killer seems to be exacting revenge on those involved in a deadly Black Friday riot a year earlier. Between the holiday themed kills a cast of teens led by JEssica (Nell Verlaque), as well as the sexiest sheriff alive played by patrick dempsey try to unmask the killer and save the town. Review of Thanksgiving This film is based off of a fake trailer that Eli Roth created for Grindhouse to play in between the double feature Planet Terror (2007) and Death Proof (2007). The trailer was an homage to 80s hard R slashers such as Pieces and My Bloody Valentine. The film, instead of being a gritty and stylish homage, Thanksgiving feels like a lazy Blumhouse remake of a much more iconic movie.  There are some great kills, half of which are shown in the trailer, but they are wrapped with a bland sanitized script full of too many uninteresting characters.  Eli Roth really seems to be phoning it in on the directing. The film comes off as lazy, since there is very little style and the editing is constantly undercutting the impact of some scenes by dwelling a second too long, or not giving you crucial information. Overall it comes off as an unseasoned and undercooked turkey of a movie. Score 4/10

In this follow up to Freaky, writer Michael White takes on the Christmas classic It’s a Wonderful Life in this disappointing horror sendup. Synopsis In the sleepy town of Angel Falls, Winnie Caruthers kills a rampaging masked killer and saves the town from further massacre. After a year, she has never fully recovered from the trauma of the killer killing best friend, and everyone around her inexplicably is a huge dick to her about it. In a moment of despair she wishes that she never existed, and a magical aurora borealis grants her wish and she gets inserted into an alternate reality where she never killed the masked murderer, and he has continued his rampage. Review of It’s a Wonderful Knife Coming off of the success of Freaky, a horror sendup of the Freaky Friday premise writer Michael White attempts for a repeat by creating this horror parody of It’s a Wonderful Life. The problem is on the surface the premise doesn’t make any sense. “Oh how I wish I’d never existed so I didn’t have to kill that serial killer” just doesn’t come off as a logical desire.  However the most egregious sin of the movie is it’s entirely inconsistent tone. Is this supposed to be an over the top satire? Is it supposed to be a heartwarming morality play with an edge? Is it supposed to be a visceral gory horror film with sardonic humor? It ends up being nothing other than a tonally confusing mess. It feels like the film went through 5 rewrites while shooting, one of which being done by an 8 year old. One example of this inconsistency is exemplified in the character of Winnie’s father played by Joel McHale. I’m not sure if he’s supposed to be a sympathetic character, an inconsiderate asshole, or a psychopath. Some of this is due to the plot taking place between two different realities, but the problem is really that they never truly establish his character in the first place. The film makes a lot of bizarre choices not only in the story, but in the production. The first couple of deaths used some of the least convincing digital blood that I have ever seen in a theatrical release. By the end of the movie it goes completely off the rails and adds inexplicable supernatural powers to one of the villains. Score 3/10

Insidious is the scary origin story of Darth Maul. Listen as Bryce and Max dissect this modern classic. Synopsis Insidious is a movie about the lambert family, Josh played by Patrick Wilson and his wife Renae played by Rose Byrne who i love, have just moved into a new home when their son Dalton played by some little boy slips into a mysterious coma. Unable to wake the boy the Lamberts feel defeated, and just when they think things cant get worse they start to experience INSIDIOUS activity in the house. After attempting to rid themselves of the apparitions the old fashioned way – moving – they realize that they are in way over their heads and seek help from a psychic medium. Wacky hijinks ensue. Eventually, they are able to learn more about the INSIDIOUS forces preying on their son, but are they focusing too much on the wrong thing? The movie is directed by James Wan, who you might recall directed little-known movies like Saw and the Conjuring and Aquaman. The writer Leigh Whannel who also plays a goofy ghost hunter is also the same guy who plays Adam in Saw. Review of insidious Now onto my review of Insidious. Insidious is a chaotic movie that throws a lot at the wall hoping something will stick. Luckily for James Wan, some of it does and we are left with a movie that is imperfect, but enjoyable none the less. The movie attempts to scare the viewer in many different ways but mostly relies on being creepy and jump scaring you when you least expect it. It even has one of the most notable jump scares in horror movie history which Im sure we will cover in the spoilers section. While Im not usually a fan of super quiet scenes that end with a really loud noise meant to startle you, insidious does do this well a couple of times. The acting is sometimes a little over the top for me, but how could I be mad when I get to stare at Patrick and Roses beautiful faces for 1 hour and 43 minutes. In the end we are left with a classic for the 2010s era of horror and a personal favorite of mine because it reminds me of being a teenager.  Score 7/10

Some would say it’s too early to remake, Willy’s Wonderland. But whenever I say that, 10 year-olds yell at me unintelligibly. Synopsis Many remakes end up outshining the original, like John Carpenter’s The Thing and Cronenberg’s The Fly. But it’s inevitable to still ask, do we really need a remake of Willy’s Wonderland? It’s only been two years since Willy’s Wonderland broke new ground with the concept of a haunted Chuck E Cheese whose animatronics attack a night time security guard. Well Here we are with Five Night’s At Freddy’s, Which tells the tale of a haunted Chuck E. Cheese who’s animatronics attack a night time security guard. Except this time, there is dialogue. Will this addition of character development and extra plot propel this remake into the lofty heights of The Thing and The Fly? Only time will tell. Review of Five Nights at Freddy’s In evaluating Five Nights at Freddy’s and determining what type of movie this is going to be, there is really only one piece of information that you need to know. It’s starring Josh Hutcherson. So you can expect to get a rather harmless horror movie that has a subtle moodiness. You can go in and rest assured that nothing truly awful is going to befall the guy that played Peeta in the Hunger Games movie. Much like when I saw that Brenden Frasier was starring in the 90s The Mummy, I knew that it was going to be a goofy harmless adventure movie. This is a very confusing movie, and it took until the end before I had any semblance of understanding what was going on. Why were the animatronics haunted by murderous children, and why is sleeping on the job not a fireable offense for a nighttime security guard? These and other questions are half answered by a culminating reveal that will make you go, “Wait what? Ok whatever…” I really don’t know what people expected from an adaptation of a spooky video game, and I have little to no knowledge of the source material, but this is a movie. It feels like a movie, and not just a factory of jump scares, which is what I would expect. But in the end, it’s not that interesting of a movie. Most of the plot seems very tacked on and arbitrary. Like a wacky mad libs of character development. “Name a traumatic life experience that haunts a protagonist: Brother kidnapped when he was younger.” “Name a precocious attribute of the young sister: colors creepy and precinct drawings”. Nothing particularly feels real or connected throughout the plot, and it resulted in me being pretty disconnected from the characters or having any real interest in the resolution of the story. It mostly felt like waiting until a reveal, and that’s pretty much exactly what happened. Score 4/10

Just a short “episode” to give some updates to my thinking and confirm that I am planning on coming back.

The Burbs is a great movie Synopsis Cool guy has chill day Review Dope AF Score 9/10

David is stepping away from Horror Movie Talk, and we are going on an indefinite hiatus. Listen to our announcement special episode for more information.

James Cameron’s sci-fi time travel masterpiece is also an iconic monster movie for horror fans. Listen to us discuss the OG Terminator. Synopsis The Terminator is about a machine that terminates. But it’s not bugs like you’d think, it’s people. But not people now in the future from when the Terminator is from, but from the present in the past. It kills present day people from the past, by traveling from the future present.  Also sent from the now future is Kyle Reece, who needs to save his bosses mom from the Terminator and also generally just be a bummer. Review of The Terminator The Terminator as a film is much like it’s titular monster. Slick, focused, and effective. The tone is bleak, and unlike other time travel movies, is stripped of all humor inherent the premise. The script is tight and communicates that the future is a nightmare, and needs to be stopped at all cost.  Arnold Schwartzenegger gets the role that further pushes him into stardom with his iconic lines like “I’ll be back”,and “Hey, I’m Terminating here!” James Cameron, in his second feature film, second only to Pirahna 2, creates a fully realized sci-fi masterpiece. The special effects of the Stan Winston Studio and the music of the Brad Fiedel augment what is really just a low budget slasher movie. The Terminator operated off of a budget of only 6.5 mil. Compare that to The Ice Pirates that came out the same year, that had a budget of 9 million, which was also considered low.  Score 10/10

Wes Anderson has made a new film, just like the old films, and you will probably chuckle at it and be delighted like the smug little shit that you are. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. Synopsis We follow the narrative of a writer who is writing a play in real time as though the play is happening in real life. If that sounds confusing, it is. The characters in the play find themselves in a remote desert location called Asteroid city for a young scientists competition and stargazing event. All of the characters are tragically human and simultaneously completely devoid of expressive human emotion. An alien shows up and blows everyone’s mind, but not so much that it changes the trajectory of anyone but a single boy’s life or mind. Life is weird and complicated. Review I can honestly say that Asteroid City is exactly as worthwhile, fun, and interesting as any of Wes Anderson’s catalog of films.  Sometimes it’s nice to feel the wind in your hair, and that’s exactly what I get when I start any Wes Anderson movie except for The Darjeeling Limited, which I hate without reason. Asteroid City is a bombshell full of A-List actors, incredibly lit scenes, and emotionless emotion.  It has fun dialog and lots of interesting eye candy to keep you entertained.  In-fact, Asteroid City understands the medium of film so well that it’s almost perfect in it’s execution. That is to say, a film is meant to be interesting to look at, with dialog and concepts to stir the mind, and with characters who evoke impressive emotion within the watcher.  I will say that some of the dialog is delivered so quickly, and with so little difference in inflection that I often found myself not knowing what had just been said. Also, it’s hard to care too much about some of the main characters for a couple of reasons.  Firstly, it’s divulged that the story of Asteroid City is a play that is being written by another main character. This level of abstraction seemed overly complicated and unnecessary to the story. The same effect could be achieved with some inner monologue, in my opinion. Second is the story is spread among so many characters that few receive enough screen time individually to make me care too much about any of them. These are minor sins in an otherwise fun and funny exploration of the human condition by the world’s most symmetrical film director. Score 9/10

Which Final Destination you ask? Don’t worry about it. Lets just say that it’s mostly about the first one. Synopsis Alex (don’t call him a psychic) Browning along with 40 other high school students board a plane to Paris for a school trip. While still boarding, Alex has a vision of the plane exploding and killing everyone on board. He causes a scene when he tries to warn others and as a result Alex, five other students, and one of their teachers are forced to leave the plane. While arguing in the terminal, they all witness the plane explode upon taking flight. They are all stunned that they cheated death, yet soon find out that death will not be cheated, because as the film posits… death a muhfucker. Review Final Destination, and the franchise that followed cracked the code of what horror fans really want: amusing deaths. We don’t really care if it’s a knife wielding psychopath, an ancient demon, or a possessed doll. As long as there are deaths that we can chuckle about and talk about afterwards, we’re game.  Final Destination removes all the clutter, and just focuses on delivering elaborate and ridiculous deaths. Sure it throws in some explanation and rules for why it is happening, but that is all window dressing. The result is a campy fun horror movie that is a fun watch. Score 7/10

In A24’s newest horror movie, we get the expected mix of horror, dread, and emotion that you expect with the brand. Synopsis Talk to Me is about a young group of friends who get wrapped into the latest social media trend: demonic possession! An acquaintance came into possession of a creepy ceramic hand, and if they shake hands with it and say the magic words, they can see the dead, and even experience being possessed for a minute and a half. As you would expect, it’s a great time. That is until the Mia, played by Sophia Wilde, gets in contact with her dead mom, and can’t seem to shake of the visions of the dead, even when not using the hand. In the end we learn two things: Demons lie Australians need more parental supervision Review of Talk To Me This is a really great movie. It is a rehashing of familiar demon possession tropes, but it has it’s own unique vibe.  What hits hardest is the intense scenes of violence. I was squirming in my seat in a lot of scenes, and the movie holds on to those moments for a little longer than most. It’s like a more sadistic Evil Dead movie. There is a juxtaposition of empathy and apathy throughout the movie that is really interesting. We have fleshed out characters that love and care for each other, however the teen group dynamic around these Seances are full of apathy in search of novelty. It’s the dynamic you see in internet videos that show people popping out cameras instead of helping someone in distress. I would have liked a little more fleshing out of the father daughter relationship between Mia and her dad. This would have made their scenes more impactful and tragic. There was a lot unsaid, which isn’t a bad thing, but I think there should have been at least another scene or two showing their dynamic to explain why Mia wants to avoid him. There are strong undertones of drug culture. The destructive yet addicting effects of the hand have parallels to casual hard drug use. The ending is the perfect conclusion for the tone of the movie. It sticks with you as being dreadful, but still gives a strong resolution. Score 9/10

Willy’s Wonderland can be found on Hulu right now, but who knows once this comes out. Synopsis Willy’s Wonderland follows a nameless cool guy in sunglasses played by Nic Cage as he stumbles into an intricate and deadly trap involving a defunct family restaurant. When he needs to pay for repairs to his bitchin Camero, he is offered an overnight janitor job at Willy’s Wonderland, an off-brand Chuck-e-cheese inhabited only by creepy animatronic puppets. In no time, these creepy animatronics attack Nic Cage, and he has to fight them off between soda breaks. Review Going into this movie, the consensus that I heard is that it is pretty much exactly what you expect. Dumb, with Nic Cage fighting animatronics. That is what it is. The one thing that might be surprising is that Cage has zero dialogue. All of his acting is done through stoic hardened gazes and impromptu pinball celebration dances. Even without dialogue, Cage is really the only enjoyable part of this movie. Everything else feels like low effort filler. The 1 hour 20 minute runtime feels like 4 hours at times.  Watch Willy’s Wonderland Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Watch It is very very very very repetitive. Once Cage is in the restaurant, it alternates between one one one attacks and soda breaks. The only change up comes when some teens appear to be fodder for the animatronics, and the backstory of the place is explained through the occasional expositional dialogue. The most disappointing aspect of the movie is that the fight scenes seem so low effort, and they all seem to be nearly identical. It’s not a great movie, but it is an interesting oddity. I just wish that the filmmakers went further than just the novelty of the premise. Score 3/10

Does this Shutter make you shudder? I’ll see myself out… Synopsis After a night out with friends, a photographer named Tun and his girlfriend Jane are driving home when they accidentally hit a woman in the street. Instead of helping her, Tun convinces Jane to run to avoid responsibility. In the days after Tun starts to notice strange artifacts in his photos. They soon realize that this isn’t regular photography, its…G-G-G-Ghost photograph. As the photo ghost continues to haunt them, they try to unravel the mystery behind why she is haunting them. Review of Shutter (2004) This is a pretty ok movie. It’s pretty run of the mill formula of “here’s a paranormal phenomena thats talked about on Discovery channel, lets wrap a movie around it.” It loses points for relying way too much on ghost pikaboo and disorientating fakeouts. I think they would have done better trying to scare the audience with jumpscares, and focused on the drama/mystery more. The repetition of jump scares and creepy photos throughout the second act are only interrupted by confusing non-sequiter appearances of one of Tun’s friends, Tonn, asking desperately for photographs before his untimely death. It all makes sense in the end, but the pacing and editing were off so it feels like the first half of the movie crashed into a second movie halfway through. The story behind the ghost is the most compelling part of the movie, and unfortunately they leave most of that until the third act.  Overall it was an interesting story with pacing issues, but at an hour and thirty minute runtime, it never really outstayed its welcome. Score 5/10

Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves is a fun, action/comedy that makes you wonder why it took so long to get a decent D&D movie made. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/IiMinixSXII Synopsis A charming thief with nothing to lose and everything to gain embarks on an epic quest to find a party of like-minded ne’er-do-wells who will help him obtain a long lost relic.  This plucky adventure takes a turn for the worst when evil red wizards start taking over the Neverwinter. Will our band of fun and quirky characters pull off the heist of a lifetime, or will they end up part of the army of the dead? Review Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves takes a game that historically has been considered one of the dorkiest, nerdiest, most basement dwelling neckbeardian IP’s in the free world and attempts to make it appeal to general audiences. Somehow, they did it! They made Dungeons and Dragons digestible for your jock boyfriends, your football dads, and your Christian mothers Boggle groups.  Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves is a fun and easygoing romp through an incredible fantasy world that isn’t bogged down with over-ripe lore or too-serious stakes.  It’s comedy chops are great, which really keeps the audience grounded almost as well as the fabulous casting.  Chris Pine, Michelle Rodriguez, and Hugh Grant anchor the cast and keep everyone in lockstep for the duration.  The pacing is appropriate and holds everyone’s attention by constantly showcasing some of the coolest fantasy world elements I’ve ever seen.  Watch Dungeons and Dragons Honor Among Thieves Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch If Star Trek can have a resurgence there is absolutely no reason Dungeons and Dragons shouldn’t too. This IP has some of the most detailed and thorough content in the entire world, spanning the tabletop games, multiple book series, and dozens of video and card games.  What we get in this movie is lots of fun, tons of great laughs, some astonishing eye candy, and the most generic of plots and stakes.  Sometimes generic is alright, and this is the exact case that proves that point. No one wants a deadly serious Dungeons and Dragons movie. No one plays a deadly serious game of Dungeons and Dragons.  It’s fine that the story and plot are generic and somewhat foggy. Will it win awards and be lauded throughout time? No, but it won’t go down as a failure and an embarrassment to nerds everywhere. Score 7/10

Come on Barbie let’s go cry, oh oh no. Synopsis Barbie is about a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world Life in plastic, it’s fantastic That’s until she starts having intrusive thoughts of death, and her body undergoes changes that are new and disturbing to her. Barbie soon finds herself on a journey leaving Barbieland behind and going into the real world where she tries to solve the mystery of her psychological and physical changes. There is also Ken. Review of Barbie I partook in the cultural phenomena that was Barbenheimer on opening night, first watching the 3 hour long Oppenheimer biopic alone and then watching Barbie with my wife afterwards. Oppenheimer was good and told an interesting story that conveyed an impressive amount of information even for a 3 hour long movie. Barbie entered my head and has not left since I watched it the first time. I couldn’t stop thinking about it throughout the week. I yearned to watch certain scenes again, and consumed interviews with the cast and the director to process the overwhelming spectacle that was Barbie I’ll stand here, without any irony or shame, and say that I think Barbie might be the best movie of the decade so far, and the best movie of the year, without a question. Everyone involved was firing on all cylinders. Casting, acting, writing, directing, production design, music, choreography. All were perfect. I was smiling ear to ear the whole time, except when I was crying. My wife and I were rolling from laughing throughout. It also goes surprisingly deep with existentialism and feminism. I watched it again last night, and even after hearing criticisms about it being unfunny or that it was propaganda, the second viewing only cemented my opinion.  Score 10/10

Is it a horror movie or an action movie? It doesn’t matter, Nic Cage turns in one of the best performances of his career. Synopsis Renfield tells the story of Count Dracula’s titular servant struggling to become self actualized in modern times after discovering his codependency in a 12-step self help group. Dracula, who has been convalescing for an indeterminate amount of time is finally gaining enough power to continue his plans for world domination, and Renfield’s self empowerment is really throwing a wrench into his plans.  To make matters worse, a local wolf themed gang is trying to kill Renfield, and he must combat them using his bug diet fueled superpowers. Review of Renfield The headline on this one, is that Dracula is the role that Nic Cage was born to play, and he appropriately chews up the scenery whenever he is on screen. This movie is a lot of fun thematically and visually. Renfield and Dracula’s relationship interpreted through modern codependency and narcissism pop-psychology is just a great funny premise. Nicholas Hoult plays Renfield by channeling by channeling his former About a Boy costar Hugh Grant and is a great straight man to Dracula’s antics. The filmmakers don’t go with a straight ahead comedy, but surprisingly fold in the superhero action genre as well. It ends up being a hard-R action comedy ala Deadpool. I can’t say it completely works for me, since the action and superpowered violence feels like an arbitrary add-on, but that’s not to say it’s not good. Some of the funnest parts are the absurdly violent fight sequences that produce more gore than most horror movies.  Looking at the writers and directors, the motley film starts to make more sense. The story is by Robert Kirkman, who’s famous for his comic and TV successes with The Walking Dead and Invincible. It’s written by Ryan Ridley, a writer for Rick and Morty, and directed by Chris McKay, who directed the Lego Batman Movie. All of whom are great at mixing genres to great effect. Score 9/10

The Village was voted on by our patrons who have very good taste, because this M. Night movie still works. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/sTGyhwvdY6k Synopsis The Village is the story of a community that sequestered themselves in the woods to avoid the evils and pain caused by the world at large. Set in the late 1800’s the community is full of interesting and varied people. But not all is well in the village – there is an evil that lurks in the forest, kept at bay by certain colors and a tenuous truce that has been struck with the creatures. Ivy Walker (Bryce Dallas Howard) and Lucius Hunt (Joaquin Phoenix) fall in love and are set to be married when a violence occurs, leaving Lucius close to death.The blind Ivy must face the terrors in the woods and the evils of society in order to save her new love.  Everyone gets more irony than they bargained for. Review The Village is a fun thriller with a stellar cast and some interesting concepts. The acting is interesting and well performed, the script is slow and intentional, and it provides lots of fall atmosphere. A lot of people bag on movies by M. Night Shyamalan that aren’t The Sixth Sense, but honestly they aren’t giving him his due. The Village explores interesting emotional territory in allegory. It poses the questions of building emotional walls by putting up real walls.  Watch The Village (2004) Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch It’s also a really fun period piece to boot. Where else can you find Sigourney Weaver, Joaquin Phoenix, Bryce Dallas Howard, Adrien Brody, Brendan Gleeson, Judy Greer, and Jesse Eisenberg all in one place? The thing that I cherish most about this movie is the devotion to atmosphere. It’s spooky and stark, set in the woods of New England and it just feels like Halloween. The creature design is effective and the scares are appropriate for young and old alike. Score 9/10

Audition is just one of those movies, you know. Synopsis The film follows Shigeharu Aoyama (Ryo Ishibashi) a widower that upon encouragement from his college age (?) son decides to find a new wife. After sharing his intentions to find a suitable mate with a coworker in the movie business, they hatch a scheme to screen a bevy of eligible young women in the guise of a film audition. Pouring over thousands of resume’s, Shigeharu is smitten with one woman in particular. After seeing her audition, he reaches out and they start dating. His coworker has doubts about her, but Shigeharu is undaunted and falls madly in love. Turns out, you should listen to your friends. Review of Audition Much is made about Audition as a truly disturbing movie, and I have to say, I was kind of disappointed. Is my heart so cold that it’s no longer stirred by amputations? What has become of me.  This is the case of being on the vanguard and being eclipsed by the films that were inspired by it. In 1999 torture porn horror had not been a term that anyone had heard of, and at the time this must have been shocking and groundbreaking for genre fans. However after Saw, Hostel, and the Human Centipede, Audition seems quaint almost. The strong suit of the film is the midstream switcheroo of genres. Well into act 2, this is a pretty charming, run-of-the-mill Romcom, but the third act is straight Lynchian horror. It portends to be a deep and psychological film, but there really isn’t much depth in the end in my opinion. No real strong statements are made other than abuse is bad, and can have lasting effects. I wish they would have delved deeper into Asami’s backstory and her unmasked psyche, but they really wanted to slow roll the plot and then take their time with the gore in the third act.  Don’t get me wrong, the third act is very strong, and works, it just takes so long to get there without fully using the runtime to make the characters compelling. Overall this is a unique and weird movie, but isn’t going on the top of any of my lists. It deserves attention, but seems a little overhyped for what it is.  Score Score 6/10

We watched the Hobbit and were transported to Middle Earth to find gold, truth, and destiny. https://youtu.be/WqGzCOL3XU4 Synopsis A Little person named Bilbo is whisked away from his home by other little people and their enablist wizard friend named Gandalf the dick.  Bilbo is forced to do the bidding of the Dwarves for the entire trip and every single time he asks, “are we there yet?” they threaten to turn the car around, but they never do. Eventually Bilbo is forced to steal some stuff from drug addicts and then stuff gets real weird.  Everyone gets more gold than they bargained for. Review If you want to see one of the quintessential movies from my childhood, this is it. The art direction is strange and alluring, the story is neatly trimmed down to fit the 90 minute format, and it’s one of the best stories ever told. The songs are fun, and have that folky 70’s feel. The voice actors fit their roles perfectly, and the adventure feels great. Much of the creature design is very intense and scary for a cartoon that was probably aimed at kids, but I feel like this is one of the bonuses of growing up in the 70’s and 80’s. Producers didn’t pander, they made cool stuff that adults and kids would want to see because they couldn’t look away. Watch The Hobbit (1977) Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch This was a made to be a television special and was animated by Topcraft, who was the precursor to  Studio Ghibli. Much of the original critical reception of the movie had to do with the strange, Japanese style animation that audiences were not familiar with at the time. More of the reception for the film was glowing, and it even won a Peabody Award. It was nominated for a Hugo but lost to Star Wars. I love this movie with all my heart, it got me started in fantasy and horror and I wouldn’t be the person I am today had it not been for renting ten thousand times on VHS. Score 10/10

The demon child cursed our recording session. Listen to take three of this episode where I was sucked of all life. Synopsis Gregory Peck plays Robert Thorn, a wealthy and politically influential man who unbeknownst to his wife, adopts a baby boy to replace his son that was born, but died on the same day. The child, named Damien, when he becomes a toddler begins to be surrounded by strange an untimely deaths. When his father starts investigating the circumstances of Damien’s birth, he finds out his mother is a real bitch, and his father, wel his father is a real jerk. Review of The Omen (1976) The Omen is a tentpole horror movie, which makes up the unofficial trilogy of parenting horror with Rosemary’s Baby, and The Exorcist. It preys upon every parent’s fear of “is my toddler…evil incarnate?” This movie answers… maybe! The real horror in the film isn’t anything that Damien does, it’s what he represents for the future, and the powers that seek to protect him. The focus isn’t so much on gaslighting like in Rosemary’s Baby, The Omen focuses on “outside forces” that set themselves against and for the Thorn family.  “The Omen” in the title refers to the prophecy of the antichrist, and in particular a poem that an ominous priest recites to Mr Thorn. While there aren’t a lot of “scares”, this is a taut and well paced thriller with plenty of dread and Ominousness. It’s a well constructed and acted movie, with a couple set pieces that really stick in your mind. I did wish that they did a little more with little Damien to do. He really is a blank slate in the film. He barely had any lines and as far as characterization, he seems indifferent to death, and has shifty eyes. It would have been nice to create more of a dilemma for the ending by showing him as a more normal boy who loved his parents. I really like this movie, but it doesn’t quite achieve the emotional heights of Rosemary’s Baby or The Exorcist, so I deduct one point. Score 9/10

We watched What We do in the Shadows and were treated to the best horror comedy since Shaun of the Dead. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/3uBc1Dk0hwI Synopsis You might not know it, but the life (or death) of a vampire is a lot less romantic and sometimes much more petty and small than you might think. Viago, Deacon, and Vladislav are old vampires trying to make it in a new world. Making it the same way you or I are trying to make it, really. Just trying to make ends meet while accomplishing something akin to a nightlife. While they manage the chore wheel and keeping their familiars in check, they manage to get caught up in the wacky hijinks of other somewhat mundane horrors that roam the night. Everyone gets more laughs than they bargained for. Review What We do in the Shadows is a mockumentary by notable New Zealanders Jemaine Clement (Flight of the Conchords)and Taika Waititi (Hunt for the Wilderpeople).  It’s fun, tight, and hilarious. It’s shot the way a normal documentary might be, but because the setting for much of the movie is in a vampire’s lair it has a spooky ambiance.  Apart from some funny jumpscares, there is nothing scary about this horror adjacent romp. What We do in the Shadows is just for fun and it’s great at it. So much of this had me rolling around the room, shaking my wife about how this is the best thing I’ve seen since Shaun of the Dead.  Watch What We do in the Shadows Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch Comedy isn’t easy, and comedy horror can feel pretty clunky sometimes, but this is sleek and fun. It smacks deeply of the comedy from a show that I miss deeply, Flight of the Conchords. What We do in the Shadows pays close attention to making all the characters “real people” which takes away a lot of the sexy emphasis of normal vampires and replaces it with questions like, “How shitty of a roommate would a vampire be?” Overall, this is an easy watch that is best experienced with friends and family. The R rating is only earned with comically gratuitous blood and occasional curse words. Definitely rent this one if you haven’t already. Score 8/10

The Blackening is the ideal movie to go see on Juneteenth. This comedy horror movie is worth going to the theater for. Synopsis Seven black college friends go away for the weekend to have a kind of reunion and celebrate Juneteenth together. They get trapped in a game room with a game in the center featuring a blackface head that instructs them to answer black culture trivia questions or die. They soon find out that the entire cabin they are staying at is being controlled by a killer with a vendetta. Will their street smarts and knowledge of horror movies help them stay alive? Probably not. Review of The Blackening With a tagline like “They can’t all die first”, you know that this is going to be a tongue in cheek horror comedy. The meta humor and fourth wall breaks are frequent throughout the film. In terms of tone, it lands somewhere between Scream, Tucker and Dale, and with touches of Scary Movie. It follows the slasher trope of assembling a motley crew of characters that are possible fodder for the killer. In this movie those characters include a gay black man, an african immigrant, a reformed gangster, a mixed race woman, and the most broad character being the black nerd that “acts white”. Most of the first act features utilitarian expositional dialogue to set up all the characters and their relationships. While the characters and plot are simple, they do go slightly beyond most Friday the 13th movies in terms of depth, not that that is very hard. What is most important in this film, and what stands out is the humor. I laughed multiple times, and had a good time. A lot of the jokes are around stereotypes and black culture, but the best ones are grounded in the specific situation or character. Score 7/10

We watched The Old Way on Hulu and were given a movie with a shaky start that made me wonder what I was getting into. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website https://youtu.be/eWakq9qQ6Ik Synopsis An old gunslinger, Colton Briggs (Nic Cage), is forced back into the fray when a series of unfortunate events leave him with very little to live for. His daughter, Brook (Ryan Kiera Armstrong) joins him on his quest and learns how to navigate life as Colton’s kin. Everyone gets more lead than they bargained for. Review Nic Cage is enough to get me to watch most movies. He is strange, interesting, and massively talented. I enjoy most movies where he stars. The Old Way is no exception. This movie fumbles tremendously in the first 20 minutes, which shook my belief that it could be good or worthwhile to a large degree.  The dialog, acting, and concept in the opening seems to miss the mark by a country mile. It felt ham-handed, simple, and very cringe. Once the second act starts, things come back around and the concepts and characters show that they are much more than what previously met the eye. Watch The Old Way Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Rent or Buy The Old Way wrestles with the concepts of humanity, loss, the monster’s within, our birthright, and revenge. These are themes that I’ve seen Cage embraces in a lot of his movies.  The characters are interesting and have fun dialog and it’s set in an authentic feeling western backdrop. Colton Brigg’s story of wrestling with his apparent lack of humanity and his life of crime catching back up to him is one that I feel a lot of people can resonate with.  The hope or lack-thereof for the next generation and having to deal with the sins of their forefathers is an age-old one and that’s why it resonates so deeply.  The Old Way is a solid entry into a somewhat lackluster genre of modern westerns. And it’s one that feels more deeply connected to the classic western’s of the 40’s and 50’s than other modern westerns.  It brings back memories of other Nic Cage revenge movies, the most recent being Mandy. Score 7/10

Can this Stephen King short story adaptation beat Shawshank Redemption? No probably not, but it was ok. It’s definitely a good pg-13 horror movie that parents can share with their kids. Synopsis While Psychiatrist Will Harper (Chris Messina) and his two daughters Sadie (Sophie Thatcher) and Sawyer (Vivien Lyra Blair) are getting over the death of their wife/mother, he is visited by Lester Billings (David Dastmalchian), a disturbed patient that insists on talking about the death of his three children to an unseen presence. Before Will can help him, Lester commits suicide in one of Will’s closets. Sawyer then begins to be tormented by a presence lurking in the shadows in the closets and crevices of their home. At first Sadie doesn’t believe Sawyer, but eventually experiences things herself. As Sadie investigates the background of Lester Billings, she finds out that the monster is none other than The Boogeyman. Wacky hijinx ensue. Review of The Boogeyman (2023) This is an adaptation of a Stephen King short story of the same name, which amounts to a little more than a campfire story set in a psychiatrist’s office. There really isn’t much to work with, and the movie ends up being kind of a one trick pony. The director Rob Savage made a name in horror with the found footage films Host and Dashcam, both of which I very much liked. Savage forgoes the gimmickry of found footage and shoots this movie like any other big-budget Conjuring-esque horror movie. It’s a bit like if Carrot Top performed standup without props. He’d do just OK. Originally this was supposed to be straight to streaming on Hulu, but because of audience reactions, was given a theatrical release. It’s just alright. You get exactly what you would expect about a movie about the Boogeyman. It’s just a vehicle for jumpscares and dread.  I might be jaded, but this is a cookie cutter family based horror film that has been done hundreds of times before, and done a lot better. Score 5/10

We watched Jurassic Park and were treated to one of the best movies ever made! @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website https://youtu.be/lc0UehYemQA Synopsis As a theme park nears it’s public go-live date, a team or scientists comprised of Grant (Sam Neill), Ellie (Laura Dern), and Malcom (Jeff Goldblum) are assembled to assess concerns that the park might fly in the face of nature and God. Hammond (Richard Attenborough), the park owner and dream catcher believes in his creation with such veracity that he sends his own grandchildren on the guided tour along with the crew of scientists to tour the park. Despite knowing full well that a tropical storm is approaching the island Hammond gives the go-ahead to start the tour and sends his first test subjects into the fold of Jurassic Park. Surprisingly, things do not go well even though they’ve thought of and prepared for all possible contingencies, because, “Life uhhh, finds a way.” Everyone gets more dino DNA than they bargained for. Review Jurassic Park is one of the most important movies ever made. Every part of it is unique and interesting.  The movie is based on a book by Michael Crichton, who I believe stole the idea from another book series called Dinosaur World. We will talk about that in the spoilers section of the podcast. Directed by Steven Spielberg, and with 6 minutes of computer animated special effects by Industrial Lights and Magic, Jurassic Park rocked the world upon its release. People had never seen such convincing special effects. The fact that the computer effects were married with nine minutes of animatronic effects of dinosaurs had everyone on their heels. It was hard to tell what was real and what was computer generated. Watch Jurassic Park Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Rent or Buy Apart from the spectacle of the VFX, Jurassic Park presents a smorgasbord of amazing set pieces and tense scenarios that takes you out of your chair and transports you to Isla Nublar, off the coast of Costa Rica.  It doesn’t have one bad guy, it has tons! Some with huge teeth, other can spit toxic goop in your face, and one has an obsession with the “Magic word”. More than anything it plays on man’s return to the forest primeval, a place where we are no longer in control at the top of the food chain. Jurassic Park asks the question, “Is science inherently good?” and answers it with, “Science is only a tool, it’s up to those who wield it to use good judgment and many times they don’t..” The John Williams score is as iconic as, well, other Steve Spielberg movies with world class scores like Jaws. This is a perfect movie. Score 11/10

The entire cast is firing on all cylinders in this underappreciated James Cameron film. In my opinion, this is where Schwarzenegger reached his prime. Synopsis True Lies tries the answer the question: what would happen if James Bond had to go home and explain himself to his wife? Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Harry Tasker, an elite American spy that travels the world preventing the apocalypse by fighting terrorists. He does all this unbeknownst to his wife Helen (Jamie Lee Curtis) and Daughter Dana (Eliza Dushku), who think he is a boring computer salesman. While on the trail of a terrorist with his partner Gib (Tom Arnold), Harry discovers that his wife may be cheating on him. To prevent a nuclear holocaust and the dissolution of his marriage, Harry starts to mix his worlds. Hilariousness ensues. Review or True Lies True Lies is in a genre of it’s own: Action Romantic Comedy. The most impressive part of this movie, which there are many, is the balancing act of those genres and tones throughout.  Tying it all together is a cast of actors that are all operating at peak performance. This to me is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s best performance in his career. He’s at peak charisma, and really steps up his acting chops to meet the shifts in tone and subtlety required by the script. Jamie Lee Curtis similarly walks the line between genres, dancing between drama and comedy as her character tries to shake up her humdrum life. And her seductive scene will forever be seared into the memory of every teenage boy in the 90s. Tom Arnold and Bill Paxton do a lot of heavy lifting as the comedic relief. Tom Arnold especially surprises everyone by being likable and hilarious throughout. His relationship with Schwarzenegger is believable and natural as long time partners. Bill Paxton chews the scenery as a smarmy car salesman con-man. All along, the film has some of the best action sequences of the 90s, which is saying a lot. Score 10/10

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We watched Air and were delighted by the total lack of sports in the historical sports drama. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website https://youtu.be/Euy4Yu6B3nU Synopsis There was a time in the 80’s when Nike wasn’t top of the pack. During that time a Nike talent scout named Sonny Vaccaro (Matt Damon) was looking for a way to help Nike break into the Basketball vertical. As he is passionate about the game, he finds a young man who shows incredible promise that very few others see. He fights tooth and nail to make Nike appealing to young Michael Jordan, and with the help of the incredible talent at Nike in 1984, he just may have a chance. Review There is nothing inside me that enjoys sports. But there is a small place inside me that really enjoys historical dramas. Movies like The Big Short, and The Social Network are a lot of fun, and Air presents a similar, if lighter experience.  It’s hard to believe that there was a time when Nike wasn’t top dog in the shoe world. But Air details the moments leading up to probably the most important decision of the largest shoe and sports gear manufacturer on the planet. Watch Air Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Rent Directed by Ben Affleck, who also plays Phil Knight, this is an interesting insight into marketing and how one man can have a hunch so strong that it changes the world. The star studded cast is enough to get anyone to watch (including Jason Bateman, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Viola Davis, Chris Tucker, Marlon Wayans, and Jay Mohr) and the score will keep you very happy with every 80’s hit to grace the charts. The best part for me is it’s only tangentially related to sports, barely even showing Michael Jordan. To be honest it makes you wish it showed Jordan. But that movie is mostly concerned with Nike’s breakthrough on Jordan’s coattails. With this being free on Prime, it’s an easy one to recommend. I was interested and laughing throughout, and I wouldn’t mind paying to see it in theaters either. Score 7/10

I don’t know what is scarier, the unchecked power of the wealthy, the surprise reach-arounds, or the conspicuous lack of eyebrows. Synopsis An american couple James and Em Foster (Alexander Skarsgård and Cleopatra Coleman) take a resort vacation to the tropical island of La Tolqa to rekindle their relationship and to break James out of writers block. While there, they Gabi (Mia Goth) who is a big fan of James’ previous novel, and is excited to show them the island outside of the confines of the luxurious resort. Despite warning that it’s dangerous off-grounds, they spend a day with Gabi and her husband Alban picnicking and drinking on the beach. Tragedy strikes and James finds himself at the mercy of the brutal and surreal Justice system of La Tolqa. Narrowly escaping punishment James discovers that the true horrors of the island lie with the decadent and hedonistic tourists that take advantage of the bizarre world of the island. Review of Infinity Pool This is the second Brandon Cronenberg film that we have reviewed on the show. And this film shares a lot of the brutality and dreamlike aspects of his previous film Possessor. Infinity Pool examines the horrors of the uber wealthy escaping justice while flaunting it for their entertainment. It goes from a relatively normal to progressively more surreal and hedonistic, and end with full on existential horror. It’s a weird mix of the show White Lotus, Eyes Wide Shut, and Total Recall.  That being said, this film is very unique. There are enough twists and turns that it stays engaging throughout the runtime.  The combination of excellent acting and directing really sells the movie. Even though there is a prevalence of dream logic and nightmarish qualities, it stays grounded in the perspective of James. Skarsgard does a great job of emoting the inner world of James and we get to experience his pride, shame, hubris, and debauchery in a way that feels real. With a hard R rating, we are treated to plenty of the ol sex and ultra violence. It pulls no punches with either, yet they don’t feel exploitative or arbitrary since they both work to serve the story.  Score 8/10 Follow Jay! Crypt Keeper Horror Show https://www.instagram.com/cryptcreeperhorrorshow/ https://www.instagram.com/angelicdesolation/

We took a look at this comedy masterpiece from the mid 90’s and were reminded of a time when you could kill endangered species and get away with it. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website https://youtu.be/l13yPhimE3o Synopsis When a gorgeous redhead, Mary (Lauren Holly) leaves her suitcase in the airport, Lloyd (Jim Carrey) makes it his mission to return it to her at her destination – Aspen, California. Lloyd manages to talk his roommate and best friend Harry (Jeff Daniels) into joining him on the trip because, let’s face it, “our pet’s heads are falling off!” Unbeknownst to our duo of dumb dumbs, the briefcase left by Mary Sampsonite was actually a ransom payoff for her husband’s safe return from the ominous arms of Nicholas Andre. As Harry and Lloyd are tailed across the country, an interesting The Man Who Knew Too Much scenario takes place. Everyone gets more stupid than they bargained for. Review Dumb and Dumber is one of the funniest modern day movies ever made, and in my opinion, one of the best comedies of all time. Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly wrote and directed this and while they are accomplished and obviously talented, their real lightning in a bottle was the casting of Jeff and Jim.  The magic within Dumb and Dumber lies in Jeff and Jim, two grown-ass-adult-males acting like actual 6th grade children. Keeping straight faces and horsing around in ways that would make every mother in America roll their eyes so hard that their retinas detach.  Obviously, Jim Carrey is at his absolute peak in this movie, but Jeff Daniels comedy chops are absolutely crushing. And the pair of them together, fully understanding the magic of this concept of two adults so stupid that it hurts is what takes the whole thing into the top echelon of comedy gold. Watch Dumb and Dumber Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Rent The pacing and clear storyline of this movie help to bolster it amongst it’s competition, because it’s hard to get the pacing of a comedy movie right.  While the last half hour of this is pretty weak by comparison to the rest of the movie, it’s pretty slim pickings on comedy movies that end strong. This has a better ending than most. It blows my mind that this is the same Jim Carrey that did one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my entire life – The Number 23. Score 10/10

The deadites are back, and they are as mean as ever. Evil Dead Rise changes it up from the cabin in the woods format, and it pulled it off successfully. Listen/watch our latest episode with special guest Jen Ponton. Synopsis Evil Dead Rise continues the story of deadites just trying their best life, and those meddling humans that try to ruin their fun. In this latest entry in the Evil Dead franchise, two estranged sisters Ellie and Beth (played by Alyssa Sutherland and Lily Sullivan) awkwardly reunite in the midst of personal crises. Before they can work out their issues, an earthquake strikes and Ellie’s children discover a hidden ancient tome and mysterious recordings of a priest reading from it. If you’ve seen any of the previous Evil Dead films, you know where this is going. They inadvertently release flesh-possessing demons and have to fight for survival. It doesn’t go well.  Review of Evil Dead Rise This is a very strong entry into the franchise that expands the world outside of just a cabin in the woods. Like 2013’s evil dead, this film foregoes the majority of the humor that the original trilogy featured. Not to say that this film is completely humorless, it just goes hard into the body horror and torture porn. This film has some of the wildest and darkest scenes I’ve seen in a long time. It makes you all but certain that no one is safe from the deadites even up till the end. What I appreciate is that despite the simple nature of the horror, that being trying to escape or kill scary demons, the film does give stakes for the characters and changes up the setting in a unique way. Instead of disposable slasher teens, we are shown a loving and functional family. When one of them is preyed upon by the demons it hurts, and it adds to the disgust and terror of the moment. Alyssa Sutherland chews up the material and spits it out. It’s unsurprising that most of the trailer featured her. She is a delight to watch, and the vile and manipulative things that the script gives that mother are the most compelling parts of the movie. Overall, this film really brings it. If you are looking for a supernatural gory horror film, this one pulls no punches Score 10/10 Check out Jen Ponton Thanks to Jen Ponton for joining us. Check her out:   https://www.youtube.com/@JenPontonActor http://www.jenponton.com/ https://www.instagram.com/jenponton/ https://twitter.com/jenponton Watch Caretaker on TikTok here: https://www.tiktok.com/@caretakerfilm https://www.tiktok.com/@capemaycaretaker

We watched Green Room and were shocked at how green this room really was. Synopsis Green Room is about a struggling punk rock band who lands a gig at a white supremacist bar. Since no one in the band is a person of color, they decide that this is fine. When they inadvertently stumble into a crime scene, they get trapped in the green room. Mirror universe Captain Picard and his band of skinheads  plot to kill them and stage a crime scene to cover up the crimes. Review of Green Room Green Room is worth seeing, but I think it gets a little overhyped as a “hidden gem”. I think the novelty of seeing Patrick Stewart as the bad guy gave this movie some legs, but it’s essentially a run of the mill thriller. There are some moments of gore in the latter half of the film as the band tries to escape, but a lot of people probably would have issue with classifying this as a horror movie. I don’t care about these people Personally I think this film suffers because the main characters seem like a bunch of insufferable assholes, so I don’t really care what happens to them. Really all the character development we’re given is that they are hardcore punk (whatever that means) and their desert island bands, I guess. The situation is compelling though and it  generally kept me engaged for the duration Score 6/10

Whatsa happening hot stuff? The Happening is happening on this week’s episode. Follow Marky Mark and a whole funky bunch in this M. Night Shyamalan stinker. Synopsis The Happening starts out with a mass psychosis event in Central Park NY, where all of a sudden everyone decides to kill themselves. Mark Wahlberg plays Elliot Moore, a pretty dumb high school teacher that with family and friends trys to escape whatever is causing the psychosis.  What could possibly be causing The Happening? Theories abound. Could it be a terrorist attack? Could it be bees? Could it be trees? Could it be a 60s performance art exhibition? No one knows.  Review for The Happening The Happening has a reputation for being a bad movie. It was really the nail in the coffin for M. Night Shyamalan’s ability to create a quality movie. I’ll say that the consensus is not wrong. This is a pretty bad movie. It’s not painfully bad, but is laughably bad in parts.  This is mostly because of M Night’s clunky writing. It’s very unnatural, and makes every character seem like they came from an alternate universe where infomercials were reality. What makes it more frustrating, is that there are scattered gems of quality dialogue or situations that in a better movie would have been endearing moments. In this film however, it just makes you wonder how someone that is capable of writing convincing human moments would decide to write the rest of the movie like everyone has a head injury. The second problem with the film is the casting of Mark Wahlberg as the lead. He is just not a good actor, and has no possible hope of saving the dialogue through his performance. In fact almost all of the unintentional humor is created by Mark’s line delivery and stupid facial expressions. As with any M. Night Shyamalan movie, regardless of quality, there are some interesting ideas and concepts. Most of the creativity here comes from the various deaths throughout. The premise of a mysterious viral mass suicide event is a genuinely interesting premise, and can be truly disturbing at moments. However, the posited explanation is so dumb, you’re left wondering why you even bothered sitting through this shit show. Score 3/10

This meta comedy horror film might have slipped past you, but if you’ve run through all the others, this one is probably worth a watch. Synopsis In this film, Max, the daughter of a struggling horror film actress, is grieving after her mother’s untimely real death three years prior. Her friend’s tone deaf step brother played by Thomas Middleditch insists that Max attend his double feature screening of Camp Bloodbath, the film that made her mother a star.  While attending with her friends, a disaster happens, and they escape through the movie theater screen. In proper movie logic, they somehow by doing so, step into the reality of Camp Bloodbath (an obvious stand in for Friday the 13th). They soon realize that they are trapped until they can navigate to the end of the film and survive the machete-wielding masked killer. Review of The Final Girls (2015) This is another meta horror comedy that seems to be attempting the success of the previous Cabin in the Woods and Tucker and Dale. In comparison, this one is pretty lackluster. However, it does have it’s charm and is an enjoyable watch. The one difference in style is that The Final Girls uses 80s fantasy logic, and doesn’t bother with realize. This gives them more wiggle room to have fun with the slasher formula. With Adam Divine and Thomas Middleditch in the cast, I did expect it to be funnier than it was. They only go after the easy jokes around the genre, and don’t play as much as they could with the archetypal characters or slasher absurdities. It ends up being surprisingly predictable. Score 6/10

We managed to find a copy of 28 Days Later (which isn’t streaming anywhere, even Amazon) and were treated to the re-awakening of the zombie movie @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website https://youtu.be/7suz9ndPBHg Synopsis Some evil scientists were playing with fire and testing the effects of rage on Chimpanzees, when a group of radical extremists with Green Peace set the Apes free.  One Ape attacked another and then everyone got angry, but not just angry, rageful.  28 days later and our protagonist, Jim (Cillian Murphy) awakes from his medically induced coma to a deserted and dilapidated London. He wanders the streets before finding some angry higher apes and quickly learns not to tango with this “rage” stuff. After Jim meets up with Selena (Naomie Harris), Frank (Brendan Gleeson), and Franks daughter they decide to brave the wilds of Great Britain to find a military outpost that’s sending a hopeful message over the airwaves. Everyone get’s more apes than they bargained for. Review 28 Days Later is an important movie in the zombie genre. It’s not strictly a zombie movie, rather a re-imagining of a somewhat more likely scenario that could lead to something approximating a zombie movie outcome. If rabies was weaponized, the outcome might look something like 28 Days Later.  There was never a shortage of B zombie movies since their inception, and there never will be. But there have been lulls in the popularity of the zombies in general, and moments of revival – 28 Days Later is largely responsible for one of the biggest revivals of zombies in the zeitgeist. Arguably, this movie helped kick off some of the biggest zombie movies and games in the last 20 years. There is no doubt that 28 Days Later is effective. The direction is great, the acting and script are pretty good too.  https://www.horrormovietalk.com/2022/01/19/dawn-of-the-dead-2004-review/ More than anything, the theorycraft is impressive and logical – which is where the concept of zombies really catches the imagination of audiences. The movie is dark, depraved, and hopeless, but manages to throw a little bit of family feeling in the somewhat slow second act that helps to redeem the pacing. Overall, it’s great at what it does, and the soundtrack is phenomenal. Watch 28 Days Later Buy a Physical Copy on Amazon Click here to Buy Score 10/10

Cocaine Bear never forgets his lines. Synopsis Cocaine Bear is loosely based on a true story of a bear that finds and consumes cocaine air dropped by a cocaine smuggler in 1985. In this movie, instead of dying immediately, it does what everyone imagines in their head when they hear the words “Cocaine Bear”. It goes on an unhinged coked up rampage across a state park.  Along the way, Cocaine Bear’s, or as his friends call him, Pablo Escobear, crosses paths with drug dealers, thugs, rangers, children, and a mom. These people fare about as well as you would expect against Cocaine Bear. Review of Cocaine Bear The movie is structured basically as a slasher in that the characters are mostly there as fodder, and they are all trying to escape an unhinged, all powerful killer. However, even for a slasher, these characters have super thin development. None of them have what I would call an “arc”. Not even Cocaine Bear. The cast is serviceable with Kari Russel, MArgo MArtindale, Ray Liotta (RIP), and a bunch of newcomers. They just aren’t given much to work with. Really the most valuable and enjoyable thing that this movie gives you is the title. It’s going to be talked about in knowing tones by the same people that mention Sharknado movies without having actually seen it. To it’s credit, it doesn’t shy away from the gore, and earns it’s R rating, but doesn’t go crazy.  Overall, it’s ok. There are enjoyable moments, and the concept is novel early on, but it loses it’s edge very quickly and it becomes just a waiting game for the obvious ending. It’s a B movie with a 35 million dollar budget. I didn’t expect much, and it perfectly met my expectations Score 4/10

We watched Scream 6 and were impressed with this incredibly fresh new take on the otherwise stale genre of slashers in 2023! @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website https://youtu.be/h74AXqw4Opc Synopsis A year after the events of Scream (2022) where the Woodsboro murders decimated the group of plucky, woke high school students, we find ourselves in college, in New York City. In a super weird turn of fate, our young heroins Sam Carpenter (Melissa Barrera) and her sister Tara (Jenna Ortega) are being stalked by none other than Ghost Face himself. As the friend group pulls together to try to figure out who the new killer might be, they also become suspicious of each other. As it turns out, this killer follows the rules of horror movie tropes, and could easily be one of their closest friends, if these Stab movies are to be believed. Will the friends figure out who the new killer is? Will Ghost Face say some quippy line? Who will be stabbed, and who will come out on top? Review I just asked a bunch of cliff hanger questions at the end of my synopsis. And Scream is known for it’s meta takes and twists. Here’s a meta twist for you – I don’t give a shit who comes out on top AT ALL!!! I stopped caring about Scream the moment the second movie started in 1997. It’s always a slightly diminished crew of last year’s protagonists looking at each other and figuring out what movie trope they are breaking that will get them killed. If only Ghost Face would just hop off of the screen and do me so I don’t have to sit through another one of these cash grab installments. Is Scream 6 bad? No, it’s fine. It’s fan service. But everything is fan service now. Fan service has replaced originality in favor of safety. Do you want safety? IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT? Yes. As it turns out, you do. Or at least that’s what your wallet says when you pay to go see the new Scream, or Halloween Ends, or The Purge 8: Unlimited Bulimia.  Watch Scream 6 Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Watch Sometimes you just need some nostalgia in your life, and this is that. It’s not going to blow you away, or make you wish there were more Scream movies. It’s going to pelt you with ‘member berries.  I will say that this version of Ghost Face might be the strongest in my memory, even if my memory for this is pretty bad. He is wiry, and powerful, and frantically hateful. His acts of violence are gruesome and gross. The reveal at the end of Scream 6 is a prime example of more is better syndrome. Can this be topped? Only if the killer in Scream 7 is the early 90’s version of the monster truck named “Bigfoot”. As long as you don’t expect much, Scream 6 is a Film. Score 5/10

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It’s a magical evening folks. Every year the HMT academy gets together and chooses the best moments and movies of the year. Join us and celebrate another year of horror cinema. Best ad Buffalo Bills Weight Loss Center – The Silence of the Lambs Kurt Russels Mustache Rides – Bone Tomahawk ep Loch Lomond death – dog soldiers ep Normal Activity – Paranormal Activity Episode Discount Dentures – Drag Me To Hell Episode Billy Zane – The Mummy Centipede Twister – Human Centipede 2 ep Estrogen Network – MEN ep Best Guest Fart Simpson (The Wailing/Resolution) Dustin Goebel (The Sadness) Max Allen (The Mummy) Bryan (Cabin Fever) Annie Hardy (Dashcam) James Jude Courtney (Halloween Ends) Keith (Scream 2022) Most Sexual Moment Kinsey Scale – firestarter 2022 episode Should we get naked – Cabin Fever Episode Zombie Jacking – Resolution Review Be careful what you wish for – stranger by the lake episode Poison Tits – hostel ep I’m About to Cum – The Sadness Ep Most Problematic Moment What a Dumb Bitch – The Mummy Gypsies -Drag Me To Hell Episode OOPS – Constantine episode Don’t use the n-word – Get Out DAvid’s a little racist – Dog Soldiers Ep Most Psychologically REvealing Moment David Hates Horses – Nope Episode Bryce’s fear of electronics – the ring Bryce’s brain is too strong – smile ep The Real Bryce – Bone Tomahawk Ep TAke it Back – texas chainsaw massacre 2022 episode” Listening like God – The Possession of Hannah Grace Episode I can Talk About TikTok – Orphan First Kill ep Worst Movie We Watched this year Puppet Master (1978) 13 Ghosts Buffy The Vampire Slayer Halloween Ends Studio 666 Orphan: First Kill Best Movie We Watched this year Silence of the Lambs Paranormal Activity The Fly (1986) Barbarian Carrie (1976) Dawn of the Dead (2004) Get Out Hatching (Pahanhautoja) Prey The Menu Worst New Movie of 2022 Halloween Ends Studio 666 Orphan: First Kill Terrifier 2 Scream (2022) Firestarter (2022) Crimes of the Future Best New Movie of 2022 X Nope Hatching (Pahanhautoja) Prey The Menu Barbarian ———————————————— Perfect 10s The Silence of the Lambs Paranormal Activity The Fly (1986) Barbarian Carrie (1976) Lowest Scored Halloween Ends (3.5) Buffy The Vampire Slayer (3.5) 13 Ghosts (2.5) Puppet Master (1989) (2) Biggest Discrepancies in Scores The Babadook (D=3, B=10) Crimes of the Future (D=9, B=4) Smile (D=6, B=10) The Mummy (1999) (D=10, B=6) Best Co-Host David Day Bryce Hanson

We dig the 80’s and here’s proof. What are your favorite 80’s horror movies? @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website

The Descent is more than a decent movie, it’s phenomenal. It doesn’t play it safe by making just a straight ahead monster movie, it delves into many different kinds of phobias along the way. Synopsis The Descent starts out similar to my favorite porn, with a team of international women out in the woods. They go caving in an uncharted cave system in the Appalachians. Quickly their expedition goes sideways when a cave in happens and they are stuck in the caves, short on supplies. The film quickly turns terrifying as they find out that the caves are full of goblin monsters hell bent on eating them, which happens to be my least favorite porn. Review of The Descent This is a fantastic horror movie that hits a lot of different beats of horror. It deals out claustrophobia, dread, jump scares, interpersonal drama, all while passing the Bechdel test. A rare accomplishment in any horror film. The unique setting of the film and the deliberate slow burn draws the audience in, in a way that most monster films don’t. By the time we are introduced to the main antagonists of the film, we have already seen the protagonists crushed with the fatigue and uncertainty of whether they will ever find a way out. Although dark and disorientating, the film has some really great creature design and gory special effects. It let up even in the end, and is a really unique viewing experience. Score 10/10 Coltan Scrivner Links https://www.coltanscrivner.com/ https://coltanscrivner.substack.com/

We watched the Wes Craven classic, The People Under the Stairs, from 1991 and were delighted to see how close our interpretation of landlords are to the real thing! @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website https://youtu.be/gx4jKIzvVUo Synopsis The People Under the Stairs is the story of Fool, AKA Poindexter, AKA Brandon Quintin Adams who’s mom has cancer and can’t pay the rent.  Being saddled with the idea that he is now “the man of the house” at 12 years old, he realizes that he very badly wants not to lose that house.  Unfortunately for Fool, his landlords are literally the whitest, scariest, most sadistic BDSM freaks slash shotgun owners to ever grace God’s green earth. They are so terrifying that they actually keep a hoard of invalid children under their house, and feed their pet dog Cujo parts of the people that they kill. Fool is brought on a mission to case the house his landlords live in by Ving Rhames, in an attempt to steal enough money to ironically pay the rent. What ensues is an insane game of cat and mouse that will surely leave Fool with lasting scars, trauma, and an intense hatred of white people. Review The People Under the Stairs is something of a unique movie now, but if you take a look at the time that spawned it, it begins to make more sense. It’s in good company with the likes of Nightbreed, Gremlins 2, Army of Darkness, House, and The Gate. This is a dark comedy and horror movie with a decent amount of disturbing ideas and themes. It’s executed in such a way that dates it tremendously, but leaves you with that waxy film of early 90’s charm coating your mouth. While the acting is over-the-top, the themes are in-your-face, and the characters are just caricatures of stereotypes, it’s still interesting and fun. Watch The People Under the Stairs Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Watch I can’t think of anyone who would hate this movie, but I am sure that there are plenty who love it to death.  The intense themes of minority marginalization, class inequity, sexism, and gentrification are present throughout. These themes are smash you in the face in nature, and are sandwiched in so much hammy acting that it’s a little hard to take it seriously. Overall, this is a great movie to curl up on the couch and watch on a Friday night. Score 6/10

If you are making the choice between Let the Right One In and Let Me In, the former is the right one. This taut and moody vampire tale pushes the boundary for what’s possible in the genre. Synopsis Let the Right One in is a new twist on the vampire tale, that asks, what if vampires were pedophiles? It’s about Oskar, a 12 year old Swedish boy that is relentlessly bullied while he deals with his parents separation. In the course of planning to be Sweden’s first school shooter, he meets Eli, the new girl in town that hates shoes and loves having the higher ground. Eli is the stereotypical manic pixie dream girl, who has quirky hobbies like puzzle collecting, communicating through Morse, and violently murdering people by sucking their blood. Review of Let the Right One In (2008) Let the Right One In was remade in English as “Let Me In”, but if you haven’t the original, do yourself a favor and watch it in the original language. Not only are the performances a little better overall, most importantly, the tone is vastly better than the remake. The sparse and brutal mise en scene matches the sparse and brutal storyline. The stark empty courtyards and public parks compliment the empty and stark life of lonely latchkey kids. At the heart of the story is a coming of age romance between two tragic characters that is very compelling. There is an impending sense of dread for all the main characters. You are rooting for them, but in pretty much every possible outcome there will be tragedy.  This film is an excellent entry into the vampire genre that shows that there are still compelling iterations to explore that don’t rely on the Dracula archetype. Score 10/10

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We watched House of 1000 Corpses and were impressed by the use of stock footage and new footage made to look like fucked out stock footage.  @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/OiRQOpC0nhg Synopsis House of 1000 Corpses is the story of some 20 somethings on a road trip around the US on a mission to find gas station oddities and fright museums. They stumble upon Captain Spaulding’s museum of monsters and madmen and end up flies in the web of the firefly family.  The firefly family are a group of twisted, backwater Texans who torture and kill unsuspecting kids on outings in their car.  The kids are treated to the extensive horrors around the firefly family property before they are picked off one by one. If this sounds like a Texas Chainsaw Massacre ripoff, that’s because it is. Had it been made with the tiniest bit of skill or nuance, it might have been able to get away with being called an homage or a tribute, but alas, ripoff will have to do. Review House of 1000 Corpses is quite a sideshow. It’s the first of writer / director Rob Zombie’s feature films, and the start of an obsession for the musician. It seems like Rob saw films like Texas Chainsaw, Halloween, and Salem’s Lot,  as a child and wondered to himself, “What goes on in the parts of these movies that I don’t get to see? Why is Michael the way he is? What other weird things happen in the Cannibal’s house?”  And he had to create the lore that he so desperately desired to see. To be fair, those are awesome questions. Who wouldn’t want to see what happens in Texas Chainsaw the day after the massacre? As it turns out, the answer is me. I don’t care about the reality behind the mysteries being shown to me nearly as much as I enjoy being allowed to let my mind wander around those creepy questions.  Once you answer the question of why Michael is the way he is, I hate the outcome. Watch House of 1000 Corpses Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch Apart from this fundamental issue with digging up and rehashing old movies that are arguably the best of their kind ever made, the House of 1000 Corpses is a trainwreck. It’s Americana turned up to 11 and drenched in neon gas station colors, and it smells like the armpit of the oldest, nastiest man you’ve ever sat next to on the bus. The acting is pitiable as soon as Sheri Moon shows up and awesome when old pro’s like Sid Haig grace the screen. The story is tenuous and boring, the violence is schlocky, the comedy is raunchy. It’s not my cup of tea, but for what it is, it’s pretty influential. Some would say that it was one of the most over-the-top entries in the gore-porn genre of the 2000’s. I would disagree with those people, but still. Anyone sitting down to watch a movie called House of 1000 Corpses will get exactly what they were expecting, that much is certain.  Score 2/10

Are you ready for our take on the biggest scam horror movie of 2023? We break down this low effort film with a low effort episode of horror movie talk. We hope Sharon, Lois, and Bram would be happy. Synopsis IMDB gives the following synopsis for Skinamarink: Two children wake up in the middle of the night to find their father is missing, and all the windows and doors in their home have vanished. That is only ½ true. There are still plenty of doors and windows, because that is were the camera is looking for 90% of the film. A more accurate description is that Skinamarink is shots of nothing, with no narrative, and the occasional jump scare to scam you into thinking it’s something. There are two children, but to say the movie is about them is to say The Shining is about the twins. They are there for the same purpose as everything else in the film. To be vaguely creepy. https://youtu.be/APQqilSTxz0 Review of Skinamarink As the runtime drags on, the audience realizes that there is a nefarious presence behind everything, pulling the strings with evil intent that is never fully explained. …the director. I get what this is. It’s challenging. It is an art film that plays with emotions and expectations in a way that is undeniably uncomfortable and creepy. However, it does feel like a scam. It blows my mind that this was shown in theaters. That’s the most amazing thing about the experience, is that it defies all logic that it exists as a commercial product, and it defies all logic that people will watch it. This film makes me angry. I was angry that this is considered a movie. I was angry at how cheep the gimmicks were. I was angry that it was still somehow effective, but mostly I was angry that I watched it. Score 1/10

We went and saw M3gan and were shown what would happen if you allowed a robot to raise your child. Also, there was a crazy rich Asian in it! @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/BRb4U99OU80 Synopsis A hot robotics engineer, Gemma (Allison Williams) strikes paydirt when her sister and brother in-law die and she ends up with her orphan niece, Cady (Violet McGraw). Now, she can finally test her over-engineered killing machine slash toy on an unsuspecting child-victim that she is the guardian for. M3gan, is an AI driven toy slash babysitter slash baby SLITTER. She is going to be the toy everyone buys this year, that is if she can convince the archeologists and the lawyer that Jurassic Park, er – M3gan is safe. Everyone gets more hydraulic death than they bargained for. Review M3gan came with a ton of hype, probably because it’s got the high-tier status with Blumhouse, which means their full marketing budget. I can’t say it let me down, but it’s also not blowing my socks off. This is a better-than-average horror movie with some solid jump scares and a creepy concept that’s similar to that of a Child’s Play movie.  The idea of your child being raised by a robot is scary enough when all you do is plop them down in front of Youtube. When you plop them down with a silicone covered robot that can wink and has opposable digits, it gets even creepier. Watch M3gan Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch M3gan is scary at times, and quite funny as well. Some of the one liners landed perfectly for me, which was a lot of fun.  If you are the kind of person who has a hard time not picking movies apart, M3gan is not for you. This is a popcorn munching, good time with friends kind of movie.  It’s got some great moments, but will be forgotten in a year or two, which is better than being forgotten as quickly as it comes out. Score 7/10

You know that SNL sketch were it was a trailer for a slasher movie directed by Wes Anderson? Yeah, well this was pretty close. Synopsis White Noise tells the story of a blended family led by Jack and Babette as they experience the joy and terror of academia, man-made disasters, and supermarkets. This film is categorized as a comedy/drama/horror, and if it’s one of those things, I guess it’s all of them. The horror element is equally treated with black comedy, and comes out mostly in the narrative of the “airborne toxic event” but also is sprinkled throughout. However, I would forgive anyone saying that this is not really a horror movie. But again, I would ask, what is it then? Review of White Noise (2022) The film is written (adapted) and directed by Noah Baumbach, which I associate with Marriage Story and The Meyerowitz Stories, but also cowrote The Life Aquatic and The Fantastic Mr. Fox with Wes Anderson.  Both sensibilities blend here in this adaptation of Don DeLillo’s novel of the same name. The characters are acting like recognizable normal people, but the dialogue they are speaking seems like it’s coming from a beat poet’s fever dream, and the plot borders on the surreal.  I’m still processing it, and most of it just kind of washed over me, but the main takeaway is that it matches the general vibe of the late 20th century being an uneasy pre-dystopia very well. I imagine that I’ll watch it again, and that it will get much better with more reps, especially as you get more familiar with the rapid fire, overlapping, enigmatic dialogue. Score 7/10

We watched John Carpenter’s Christine and were treated to some good, old fashioned, car calendar porn. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/0Xq75RR7otQ Synopsis A nerdy young man named Arnie (Keith Gordon) finds his soulmate in a 1958 Plymouth Fury. He rebuilds the car and in-turn rebuilds himself as a confident, independent lad. You Arnie notices that girls are now attracted to him, and this turns him into a force of nature. But the real force of nature seems to be his car, nicknamed Christine. Christine seems to have a life of her own, a life centered around taking life from others.  Arnie’s mom and dad are worried about him, his friends are worried about him, and even his hot stuff girlfriend is worried about him.  Anyone who crosses Arnie, though, is worried about Christine. Everyone get’s more classic cars than they bargained for. Review This coming of age tale is the inverse Stephen King screenplay to the movie we reviewed last week, Carrie, where a young girl gets her period and subsequently murders her whole school.  In Christine, we see a nerdy young man get that big dick energy when he finds something to obsess over, which is strangely true-to-life for males. Best of all, the ending sequence takes place on New Years Eve! Christine isn’t the silver screen powerhouse that Carrie is, but it’s interesting when viewed back to back with it’s feminine counterpart. Watch Christine (1983) Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch It’s slow, sometimes tedious, and a little mellow for a movie directed by the same guy who brought us Halloween and The Thing (John Carpenter). That being said, there was no part of Christine where I was upset with it.  It really struck me how much of the sentiment of Carrie is in here. Arnie gets bullied relentlessly by bullies at school and his parents aren’t exactly cool. Even the garage owner bullies Arnie around. In the end Arnie doesn’t find the power within himself, he imbues it into his work. This is a weirdly masculine trait.  Where Carrie finds the magic within her, Arnie finds it within other things. Arnie needs things and others in a uniquely masculine way. He needs acceptance, he needs a girlfriend. He needs Christine. Carrie doesn’t need anyone, she just needs peace. She has had it with your shit. Arnie has too. It’s a solid movie about a car that has the shining.If that sounds like a good time to you, this is honestly something you will enjoy.  Score 6/10

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