Horror Movie Talk

Is it a horror movie or an action movie? It doesn’t matter, Nic Cage turns in one of the best performances of his career. Synopsis Renfield tells the story of Count Dracula’s titular servant struggling to become self actualized in modern times after discovering his codependency in a 12-step self help group. Dracula, who has been convalescing for an indeterminate amount of time is finally gaining enough power to continue his plans for world domination, and Renfield’s self empowerment is really throwing a wrench into his plans.  To make matters worse, a local wolf themed gang is trying to kill Renfield, and he must combat them using his bug diet fueled superpowers. Review of Renfield The headline on this one, is that Dracula is the role that Nic Cage was born to play, and he appropriately chews up the scenery whenever he is on screen. This movie is a lot of fun thematically and visually. Renfield and Dracula’s relationship interpreted through modern codependency and narcissism pop-psychology is just a great funny premise. Nicholas Hoult plays Renfield by channeling by channeling his former About a Boy costar Hugh Grant and is a great straight man to Dracula’s antics. The filmmakers don’t go with a straight ahead comedy, but surprisingly fold in the superhero action genre as well. It ends up being a hard-R action comedy ala Deadpool. I can’t say it completely works for me, since the action and superpowered violence feels like an arbitrary add-on, but that’s not to say it’s not good. Some of the funnest parts are the absurdly violent fight sequences that produce more gore than most horror movies.  Looking at the writers and directors, the motley film starts to make more sense. The story is by Robert Kirkman, who’s famous for his comic and TV successes with The Walking Dead and Invincible. It’s written by Ryan Ridley, a writer for Rick and Morty, and directed by Chris McKay, who directed the Lego Batman Movie. All of whom are great at mixing genres to great effect. Score 9/10

The Village was voted on by our patrons who have very good taste, because this M. Night movie still works. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/sTGyhwvdY6k Synopsis The Village is the story of a community that sequestered themselves in the woods to avoid the evils and pain caused by the world at large. Set in the late 1800’s the community is full of interesting and varied people. But not all is well in the village – there is an evil that lurks in the forest, kept at bay by certain colors and a tenuous truce that has been struck with the creatures. Ivy Walker (Bryce Dallas Howard) and Lucius Hunt (Joaquin Phoenix) fall in love and are set to be married when a violence occurs, leaving Lucius close to death.The blind Ivy must face the terrors in the woods and the evils of society in order to save her new love.  Everyone gets more irony than they bargained for. Review The Village is a fun thriller with a stellar cast and some interesting concepts. The acting is interesting and well performed, the script is slow and intentional, and it provides lots of fall atmosphere. A lot of people bag on movies by M. Night Shyamalan that aren’t The Sixth Sense, but honestly they aren’t giving him his due. The Village explores interesting emotional territory in allegory. It poses the questions of building emotional walls by putting up real walls.  Watch The Village (2004) Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch It’s also a really fun period piece to boot. Where else can you find Sigourney Weaver, Joaquin Phoenix, Bryce Dallas Howard, Adrien Brody, Brendan Gleeson, Judy Greer, and Jesse Eisenberg all in one place? The thing that I cherish most about this movie is the devotion to atmosphere. It’s spooky and stark, set in the woods of New England and it just feels like Halloween. The creature design is effective and the scares are appropriate for young and old alike. Score 9/10

Audition is just one of those movies, you know. Synopsis The film follows Shigeharu Aoyama (Ryo Ishibashi) a widower that upon encouragement from his college age (?) son decides to find a new wife. After sharing his intentions to find a suitable mate with a coworker in the movie business, they hatch a scheme to screen a bevy of eligible young women in the guise of a film audition. Pouring over thousands of resume’s, Shigeharu is smitten with one woman in particular. After seeing her audition, he reaches out and they start dating. His coworker has doubts about her, but Shigeharu is undaunted and falls madly in love. Turns out, you should listen to your friends. Review of Audition Much is made about Audition as a truly disturbing movie, and I have to say, I was kind of disappointed. Is my heart so cold that it’s no longer stirred by amputations? What has become of me.  This is the case of being on the vanguard and being eclipsed by the films that were inspired by it. In 1999 torture porn horror had not been a term that anyone had heard of, and at the time this must have been shocking and groundbreaking for genre fans. However after Saw, Hostel, and the Human Centipede, Audition seems quaint almost. The strong suit of the film is the midstream switcheroo of genres. Well into act 2, this is a pretty charming, run-of-the-mill Romcom, but the third act is straight Lynchian horror. It portends to be a deep and psychological film, but there really isn’t much depth in the end in my opinion. No real strong statements are made other than abuse is bad, and can have lasting effects. I wish they would have delved deeper into Asami’s backstory and her unmasked psyche, but they really wanted to slow roll the plot and then take their time with the gore in the third act.  Don’t get me wrong, the third act is very strong, and works, it just takes so long to get there without fully using the runtime to make the characters compelling. Overall this is a unique and weird movie, but isn’t going on the top of any of my lists. It deserves attention, but seems a little overhyped for what it is.  Score Score 6/10

We watched the Hobbit and were transported to Middle Earth to find gold, truth, and destiny. https://youtu.be/WqGzCOL3XU4 Synopsis A Little person named Bilbo is whisked away from his home by other little people and their enablist wizard friend named Gandalf the dick.  Bilbo is forced to do the bidding of the Dwarves for the entire trip and every single time he asks, “are we there yet?” they threaten to turn the car around, but they never do. Eventually Bilbo is forced to steal some stuff from drug addicts and then stuff gets real weird.  Everyone gets more gold than they bargained for. Review If you want to see one of the quintessential movies from my childhood, this is it. The art direction is strange and alluring, the story is neatly trimmed down to fit the 90 minute format, and it’s one of the best stories ever told. The songs are fun, and have that folky 70’s feel. The voice actors fit their roles perfectly, and the adventure feels great. Much of the creature design is very intense and scary for a cartoon that was probably aimed at kids, but I feel like this is one of the bonuses of growing up in the 70’s and 80’s. Producers didn’t pander, they made cool stuff that adults and kids would want to see because they couldn’t look away. Watch The Hobbit (1977) Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch This was a made to be a television special and was animated by Topcraft, who was the precursor to  Studio Ghibli. Much of the original critical reception of the movie had to do with the strange, Japanese style animation that audiences were not familiar with at the time. More of the reception for the film was glowing, and it even won a Peabody Award. It was nominated for a Hugo but lost to Star Wars. I love this movie with all my heart, it got me started in fantasy and horror and I wouldn’t be the person I am today had it not been for renting ten thousand times on VHS. Score 10/10

The demon child cursed our recording session. Listen to take three of this episode where I was sucked of all life. Synopsis Gregory Peck plays Robert Thorn, a wealthy and politically influential man who unbeknownst to his wife, adopts a baby boy to replace his son that was born, but died on the same day. The child, named Damien, when he becomes a toddler begins to be surrounded by strange an untimely deaths. When his father starts investigating the circumstances of Damien’s birth, he finds out his mother is a real bitch, and his father, wel his father is a real jerk. Review of The Omen (1976) The Omen is a tentpole horror movie, which makes up the unofficial trilogy of parenting horror with Rosemary’s Baby, and The Exorcist. It preys upon every parent’s fear of “is my toddler…evil incarnate?” This movie answers… maybe! The real horror in the film isn’t anything that Damien does, it’s what he represents for the future, and the powers that seek to protect him. The focus isn’t so much on gaslighting like in Rosemary’s Baby, The Omen focuses on “outside forces” that set themselves against and for the Thorn family.  “The Omen” in the title refers to the prophecy of the antichrist, and in particular a poem that an ominous priest recites to Mr Thorn. While there aren’t a lot of “scares”, this is a taut and well paced thriller with plenty of dread and Ominousness. It’s a well constructed and acted movie, with a couple set pieces that really stick in your mind. I did wish that they did a little more with little Damien to do. He really is a blank slate in the film. He barely had any lines and as far as characterization, he seems indifferent to death, and has shifty eyes. It would have been nice to create more of a dilemma for the ending by showing him as a more normal boy who loved his parents. I really like this movie, but it doesn’t quite achieve the emotional heights of Rosemary’s Baby or The Exorcist, so I deduct one point. Score 9/10

We watched What We do in the Shadows and were treated to the best horror comedy since Shaun of the Dead. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/3uBc1Dk0hwI Synopsis You might not know it, but the life (or death) of a vampire is a lot less romantic and sometimes much more petty and small than you might think. Viago, Deacon, and Vladislav are old vampires trying to make it in a new world. Making it the same way you or I are trying to make it, really. Just trying to make ends meet while accomplishing something akin to a nightlife. While they manage the chore wheel and keeping their familiars in check, they manage to get caught up in the wacky hijinks of other somewhat mundane horrors that roam the night. Everyone gets more laughs than they bargained for. Review What We do in the Shadows is a mockumentary by notable New Zealanders Jemaine Clement (Flight of the Conchords)and Taika Waititi (Hunt for the Wilderpeople).  It’s fun, tight, and hilarious. It’s shot the way a normal documentary might be, but because the setting for much of the movie is in a vampire’s lair it has a spooky ambiance.  Apart from some funny jumpscares, there is nothing scary about this horror adjacent romp. What We do in the Shadows is just for fun and it’s great at it. So much of this had me rolling around the room, shaking my wife about how this is the best thing I’ve seen since Shaun of the Dead.  Watch What We do in the Shadows Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch Comedy isn’t easy, and comedy horror can feel pretty clunky sometimes, but this is sleek and fun. It smacks deeply of the comedy from a show that I miss deeply, Flight of the Conchords. What We do in the Shadows pays close attention to making all the characters “real people” which takes away a lot of the sexy emphasis of normal vampires and replaces it with questions like, “How shitty of a roommate would a vampire be?” Overall, this is an easy watch that is best experienced with friends and family. The R rating is only earned with comically gratuitous blood and occasional curse words. Definitely rent this one if you haven’t already. Score 8/10

The Blackening is the ideal movie to go see on Juneteenth. This comedy horror movie is worth going to the theater for. Synopsis Seven black college friends go away for the weekend to have a kind of reunion and celebrate Juneteenth together. They get trapped in a game room with a game in the center featuring a blackface head that instructs them to answer black culture trivia questions or die. They soon find out that the entire cabin they are staying at is being controlled by a killer with a vendetta. Will their street smarts and knowledge of horror movies help them stay alive? Probably not. Review of The Blackening With a tagline like “They can’t all die first”, you know that this is going to be a tongue in cheek horror comedy. The meta humor and fourth wall breaks are frequent throughout the film. In terms of tone, it lands somewhere between Scream, Tucker and Dale, and with touches of Scary Movie. It follows the slasher trope of assembling a motley crew of characters that are possible fodder for the killer. In this movie those characters include a gay black man, an african immigrant, a reformed gangster, a mixed race woman, and the most broad character being the black nerd that “acts white”. Most of the first act features utilitarian expositional dialogue to set up all the characters and their relationships. While the characters and plot are simple, they do go slightly beyond most Friday the 13th movies in terms of depth, not that that is very hard. What is most important in this film, and what stands out is the humor. I laughed multiple times, and had a good time. A lot of the jokes are around stereotypes and black culture, but the best ones are grounded in the specific situation or character. Score 7/10

We watched The Old Way on Hulu and were given a movie with a shaky start that made me wonder what I was getting into. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website https://youtu.be/eWakq9qQ6Ik Synopsis An old gunslinger, Colton Briggs (Nic Cage), is forced back into the fray when a series of unfortunate events leave him with very little to live for. His daughter, Brook (Ryan Kiera Armstrong) joins him on his quest and learns how to navigate life as Colton’s kin. Everyone gets more lead than they bargained for. Review Nic Cage is enough to get me to watch most movies. He is strange, interesting, and massively talented. I enjoy most movies where he stars. The Old Way is no exception. This movie fumbles tremendously in the first 20 minutes, which shook my belief that it could be good or worthwhile to a large degree.  The dialog, acting, and concept in the opening seems to miss the mark by a country mile. It felt ham-handed, simple, and very cringe. Once the second act starts, things come back around and the concepts and characters show that they are much more than what previously met the eye. Watch The Old Way Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Rent or Buy The Old Way wrestles with the concepts of humanity, loss, the monster’s within, our birthright, and revenge. These are themes that I’ve seen Cage embraces in a lot of his movies.  The characters are interesting and have fun dialog and it’s set in an authentic feeling western backdrop. Colton Brigg’s story of wrestling with his apparent lack of humanity and his life of crime catching back up to him is one that I feel a lot of people can resonate with.  The hope or lack-thereof for the next generation and having to deal with the sins of their forefathers is an age-old one and that’s why it resonates so deeply.  The Old Way is a solid entry into a somewhat lackluster genre of modern westerns. And it’s one that feels more deeply connected to the classic western’s of the 40’s and 50’s than other modern westerns.  It brings back memories of other Nic Cage revenge movies, the most recent being Mandy. Score 7/10

Can this Stephen King short story adaptation beat Shawshank Redemption? No probably not, but it was ok. It’s definitely a good pg-13 horror movie that parents can share with their kids. Synopsis While Psychiatrist Will Harper (Chris Messina) and his two daughters Sadie (Sophie Thatcher) and Sawyer (Vivien Lyra Blair) are getting over the death of their wife/mother, he is visited by Lester Billings (David Dastmalchian), a disturbed patient that insists on talking about the death of his three children to an unseen presence. Before Will can help him, Lester commits suicide in one of Will’s closets. Sawyer then begins to be tormented by a presence lurking in the shadows in the closets and crevices of their home. At first Sadie doesn’t believe Sawyer, but eventually experiences things herself. As Sadie investigates the background of Lester Billings, she finds out that the monster is none other than The Boogeyman. Wacky hijinx ensue. Review of The Boogeyman (2023) This is an adaptation of a Stephen King short story of the same name, which amounts to a little more than a campfire story set in a psychiatrist’s office. There really isn’t much to work with, and the movie ends up being kind of a one trick pony. The director Rob Savage made a name in horror with the found footage films Host and Dashcam, both of which I very much liked. Savage forgoes the gimmickry of found footage and shoots this movie like any other big-budget Conjuring-esque horror movie. It’s a bit like if Carrot Top performed standup without props. He’d do just OK. Originally this was supposed to be straight to streaming on Hulu, but because of audience reactions, was given a theatrical release. It’s just alright. You get exactly what you would expect about a movie about the Boogeyman. It’s just a vehicle for jumpscares and dread.  I might be jaded, but this is a cookie cutter family based horror film that has been done hundreds of times before, and done a lot better. Score 5/10

We watched Jurassic Park and were treated to one of the best movies ever made! @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website https://youtu.be/lc0UehYemQA Synopsis As a theme park nears it’s public go-live date, a team or scientists comprised of Grant (Sam Neill), Ellie (Laura Dern), and Malcom (Jeff Goldblum) are assembled to assess concerns that the park might fly in the face of nature and God. Hammond (Richard Attenborough), the park owner and dream catcher believes in his creation with such veracity that he sends his own grandchildren on the guided tour along with the crew of scientists to tour the park. Despite knowing full well that a tropical storm is approaching the island Hammond gives the go-ahead to start the tour and sends his first test subjects into the fold of Jurassic Park. Surprisingly, things do not go well even though they’ve thought of and prepared for all possible contingencies, because, “Life uhhh, finds a way.” Everyone gets more dino DNA than they bargained for. Review Jurassic Park is one of the most important movies ever made. Every part of it is unique and interesting.  The movie is based on a book by Michael Crichton, who I believe stole the idea from another book series called Dinosaur World. We will talk about that in the spoilers section of the podcast. Directed by Steven Spielberg, and with 6 minutes of computer animated special effects by Industrial Lights and Magic, Jurassic Park rocked the world upon its release. People had never seen such convincing special effects. The fact that the computer effects were married with nine minutes of animatronic effects of dinosaurs had everyone on their heels. It was hard to tell what was real and what was computer generated. Watch Jurassic Park Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Rent or Buy Apart from the spectacle of the VFX, Jurassic Park presents a smorgasbord of amazing set pieces and tense scenarios that takes you out of your chair and transports you to Isla Nublar, off the coast of Costa Rica.  It doesn’t have one bad guy, it has tons! Some with huge teeth, other can spit toxic goop in your face, and one has an obsession with the “Magic word”. More than anything it plays on man’s return to the forest primeval, a place where we are no longer in control at the top of the food chain. Jurassic Park asks the question, “Is science inherently good?” and answers it with, “Science is only a tool, it’s up to those who wield it to use good judgment and many times they don’t..” The John Williams score is as iconic as, well, other Steve Spielberg movies with world class scores like Jaws. This is a perfect movie. Score 11/10

The entire cast is firing on all cylinders in this underappreciated James Cameron film. In my opinion, this is where Schwarzenegger reached his prime. Synopsis True Lies tries the answer the question: what would happen if James Bond had to go home and explain himself to his wife? Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Harry Tasker, an elite American spy that travels the world preventing the apocalypse by fighting terrorists. He does all this unbeknownst to his wife Helen (Jamie Lee Curtis) and Daughter Dana (Eliza Dushku), who think he is a boring computer salesman. While on the trail of a terrorist with his partner Gib (Tom Arnold), Harry discovers that his wife may be cheating on him. To prevent a nuclear holocaust and the dissolution of his marriage, Harry starts to mix his worlds. Hilariousness ensues. Review or True Lies True Lies is in a genre of it’s own: Action Romantic Comedy. The most impressive part of this movie, which there are many, is the balancing act of those genres and tones throughout.  Tying it all together is a cast of actors that are all operating at peak performance. This to me is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s best performance in his career. He’s at peak charisma, and really steps up his acting chops to meet the shifts in tone and subtlety required by the script. Jamie Lee Curtis similarly walks the line between genres, dancing between drama and comedy as her character tries to shake up her humdrum life. And her seductive scene will forever be seared into the memory of every teenage boy in the 90s. Tom Arnold and Bill Paxton do a lot of heavy lifting as the comedic relief. Tom Arnold especially surprises everyone by being likable and hilarious throughout. His relationship with Schwarzenegger is believable and natural as long time partners. Bill Paxton chews the scenery as a smarmy car salesman con-man. All along, the film has some of the best action sequences of the 90s, which is saying a lot. Score 10/10

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We watched Air and were delighted by the total lack of sports in the historical sports drama. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website https://youtu.be/Euy4Yu6B3nU Synopsis There was a time in the 80’s when Nike wasn’t top of the pack. During that time a Nike talent scout named Sonny Vaccaro (Matt Damon) was looking for a way to help Nike break into the Basketball vertical. As he is passionate about the game, he finds a young man who shows incredible promise that very few others see. He fights tooth and nail to make Nike appealing to young Michael Jordan, and with the help of the incredible talent at Nike in 1984, he just may have a chance. Review There is nothing inside me that enjoys sports. But there is a small place inside me that really enjoys historical dramas. Movies like The Big Short, and The Social Network are a lot of fun, and Air presents a similar, if lighter experience.  It’s hard to believe that there was a time when Nike wasn’t top dog in the shoe world. But Air details the moments leading up to probably the most important decision of the largest shoe and sports gear manufacturer on the planet. Watch Air Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Rent Directed by Ben Affleck, who also plays Phil Knight, this is an interesting insight into marketing and how one man can have a hunch so strong that it changes the world. The star studded cast is enough to get anyone to watch (including Jason Bateman, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Viola Davis, Chris Tucker, Marlon Wayans, and Jay Mohr) and the score will keep you very happy with every 80’s hit to grace the charts. The best part for me is it’s only tangentially related to sports, barely even showing Michael Jordan. To be honest it makes you wish it showed Jordan. But that movie is mostly concerned with Nike’s breakthrough on Jordan’s coattails. With this being free on Prime, it’s an easy one to recommend. I was interested and laughing throughout, and I wouldn’t mind paying to see it in theaters either. Score 7/10

I don’t know what is scarier, the unchecked power of the wealthy, the surprise reach-arounds, or the conspicuous lack of eyebrows. Synopsis An american couple James and Em Foster (Alexander Skarsgård and Cleopatra Coleman) take a resort vacation to the tropical island of La Tolqa to rekindle their relationship and to break James out of writers block. While there, they Gabi (Mia Goth) who is a big fan of James’ previous novel, and is excited to show them the island outside of the confines of the luxurious resort. Despite warning that it’s dangerous off-grounds, they spend a day with Gabi and her husband Alban picnicking and drinking on the beach. Tragedy strikes and James finds himself at the mercy of the brutal and surreal Justice system of La Tolqa. Narrowly escaping punishment James discovers that the true horrors of the island lie with the decadent and hedonistic tourists that take advantage of the bizarre world of the island. Review of Infinity Pool This is the second Brandon Cronenberg film that we have reviewed on the show. And this film shares a lot of the brutality and dreamlike aspects of his previous film Possessor. Infinity Pool examines the horrors of the uber wealthy escaping justice while flaunting it for their entertainment. It goes from a relatively normal to progressively more surreal and hedonistic, and end with full on existential horror. It’s a weird mix of the show White Lotus, Eyes Wide Shut, and Total Recall.  That being said, this film is very unique. There are enough twists and turns that it stays engaging throughout the runtime.  The combination of excellent acting and directing really sells the movie. Even though there is a prevalence of dream logic and nightmarish qualities, it stays grounded in the perspective of James. Skarsgard does a great job of emoting the inner world of James and we get to experience his pride, shame, hubris, and debauchery in a way that feels real. With a hard R rating, we are treated to plenty of the ol sex and ultra violence. It pulls no punches with either, yet they don’t feel exploitative or arbitrary since they both work to serve the story.  Score 8/10 Follow Jay! Crypt Keeper Horror Show https://www.instagram.com/cryptcreeperhorrorshow/ https://www.instagram.com/angelicdesolation/

We took a look at this comedy masterpiece from the mid 90’s and were reminded of a time when you could kill endangered species and get away with it. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website https://youtu.be/l13yPhimE3o Synopsis When a gorgeous redhead, Mary (Lauren Holly) leaves her suitcase in the airport, Lloyd (Jim Carrey) makes it his mission to return it to her at her destination – Aspen, California. Lloyd manages to talk his roommate and best friend Harry (Jeff Daniels) into joining him on the trip because, let’s face it, “our pet’s heads are falling off!” Unbeknownst to our duo of dumb dumbs, the briefcase left by Mary Sampsonite was actually a ransom payoff for her husband’s safe return from the ominous arms of Nicholas Andre. As Harry and Lloyd are tailed across the country, an interesting The Man Who Knew Too Much scenario takes place. Everyone gets more stupid than they bargained for. Review Dumb and Dumber is one of the funniest modern day movies ever made, and in my opinion, one of the best comedies of all time. Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly wrote and directed this and while they are accomplished and obviously talented, their real lightning in a bottle was the casting of Jeff and Jim.  The magic within Dumb and Dumber lies in Jeff and Jim, two grown-ass-adult-males acting like actual 6th grade children. Keeping straight faces and horsing around in ways that would make every mother in America roll their eyes so hard that their retinas detach.  Obviously, Jim Carrey is at his absolute peak in this movie, but Jeff Daniels comedy chops are absolutely crushing. And the pair of them together, fully understanding the magic of this concept of two adults so stupid that it hurts is what takes the whole thing into the top echelon of comedy gold. Watch Dumb and Dumber Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Rent The pacing and clear storyline of this movie help to bolster it amongst it’s competition, because it’s hard to get the pacing of a comedy movie right.  While the last half hour of this is pretty weak by comparison to the rest of the movie, it’s pretty slim pickings on comedy movies that end strong. This has a better ending than most. It blows my mind that this is the same Jim Carrey that did one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my entire life – The Number 23. Score 10/10

The deadites are back, and they are as mean as ever. Evil Dead Rise changes it up from the cabin in the woods format, and it pulled it off successfully. Listen/watch our latest episode with special guest Jen Ponton. Synopsis Evil Dead Rise continues the story of deadites just trying their best life, and those meddling humans that try to ruin their fun. In this latest entry in the Evil Dead franchise, two estranged sisters Ellie and Beth (played by Alyssa Sutherland and Lily Sullivan) awkwardly reunite in the midst of personal crises. Before they can work out their issues, an earthquake strikes and Ellie’s children discover a hidden ancient tome and mysterious recordings of a priest reading from it. If you’ve seen any of the previous Evil Dead films, you know where this is going. They inadvertently release flesh-possessing demons and have to fight for survival. It doesn’t go well.  Review of Evil Dead Rise This is a very strong entry into the franchise that expands the world outside of just a cabin in the woods. Like 2013’s evil dead, this film foregoes the majority of the humor that the original trilogy featured. Not to say that this film is completely humorless, it just goes hard into the body horror and torture porn. This film has some of the wildest and darkest scenes I’ve seen in a long time. It makes you all but certain that no one is safe from the deadites even up till the end. What I appreciate is that despite the simple nature of the horror, that being trying to escape or kill scary demons, the film does give stakes for the characters and changes up the setting in a unique way. Instead of disposable slasher teens, we are shown a loving and functional family. When one of them is preyed upon by the demons it hurts, and it adds to the disgust and terror of the moment. Alyssa Sutherland chews up the material and spits it out. It’s unsurprising that most of the trailer featured her. She is a delight to watch, and the vile and manipulative things that the script gives that mother are the most compelling parts of the movie. Overall, this film really brings it. If you are looking for a supernatural gory horror film, this one pulls no punches Score 10/10 Check out Jen Ponton Thanks to Jen Ponton for joining us. Check her out:   https://www.youtube.com/@JenPontonActor http://www.jenponton.com/ https://www.instagram.com/jenponton/ https://twitter.com/jenponton Watch Caretaker on TikTok here: https://www.tiktok.com/@caretakerfilm https://www.tiktok.com/@capemaycaretaker

We watched Green Room and were shocked at how green this room really was. Synopsis Green Room is about a struggling punk rock band who lands a gig at a white supremacist bar. Since no one in the band is a person of color, they decide that this is fine. When they inadvertently stumble into a crime scene, they get trapped in the green room. Mirror universe Captain Picard and his band of skinheads  plot to kill them and stage a crime scene to cover up the crimes. Review of Green Room Green Room is worth seeing, but I think it gets a little overhyped as a “hidden gem”. I think the novelty of seeing Patrick Stewart as the bad guy gave this movie some legs, but it’s essentially a run of the mill thriller. There are some moments of gore in the latter half of the film as the band tries to escape, but a lot of people probably would have issue with classifying this as a horror movie. I don’t care about these people Personally I think this film suffers because the main characters seem like a bunch of insufferable assholes, so I don’t really care what happens to them. Really all the character development we’re given is that they are hardcore punk (whatever that means) and their desert island bands, I guess. The situation is compelling though and it  generally kept me engaged for the duration Score 6/10

Whatsa happening hot stuff? The Happening is happening on this week’s episode. Follow Marky Mark and a whole funky bunch in this M. Night Shyamalan stinker. Synopsis The Happening starts out with a mass psychosis event in Central Park NY, where all of a sudden everyone decides to kill themselves. Mark Wahlberg plays Elliot Moore, a pretty dumb high school teacher that with family and friends trys to escape whatever is causing the psychosis.  What could possibly be causing The Happening? Theories abound. Could it be a terrorist attack? Could it be bees? Could it be trees? Could it be a 60s performance art exhibition? No one knows.  Review for The Happening The Happening has a reputation for being a bad movie. It was really the nail in the coffin for M. Night Shyamalan’s ability to create a quality movie. I’ll say that the consensus is not wrong. This is a pretty bad movie. It’s not painfully bad, but is laughably bad in parts.  This is mostly because of M Night’s clunky writing. It’s very unnatural, and makes every character seem like they came from an alternate universe where infomercials were reality. What makes it more frustrating, is that there are scattered gems of quality dialogue or situations that in a better movie would have been endearing moments. In this film however, it just makes you wonder how someone that is capable of writing convincing human moments would decide to write the rest of the movie like everyone has a head injury. The second problem with the film is the casting of Mark Wahlberg as the lead. He is just not a good actor, and has no possible hope of saving the dialogue through his performance. In fact almost all of the unintentional humor is created by Mark’s line delivery and stupid facial expressions. As with any M. Night Shyamalan movie, regardless of quality, there are some interesting ideas and concepts. Most of the creativity here comes from the various deaths throughout. The premise of a mysterious viral mass suicide event is a genuinely interesting premise, and can be truly disturbing at moments. However, the posited explanation is so dumb, you’re left wondering why you even bothered sitting through this shit show. Score 3/10

This meta comedy horror film might have slipped past you, but if you’ve run through all the others, this one is probably worth a watch. Synopsis In this film, Max, the daughter of a struggling horror film actress, is grieving after her mother’s untimely real death three years prior. Her friend’s tone deaf step brother played by Thomas Middleditch insists that Max attend his double feature screening of Camp Bloodbath, the film that made her mother a star.  While attending with her friends, a disaster happens, and they escape through the movie theater screen. In proper movie logic, they somehow by doing so, step into the reality of Camp Bloodbath (an obvious stand in for Friday the 13th). They soon realize that they are trapped until they can navigate to the end of the film and survive the machete-wielding masked killer. Review of The Final Girls (2015) This is another meta horror comedy that seems to be attempting the success of the previous Cabin in the Woods and Tucker and Dale. In comparison, this one is pretty lackluster. However, it does have it’s charm and is an enjoyable watch. The one difference in style is that The Final Girls uses 80s fantasy logic, and doesn’t bother with realize. This gives them more wiggle room to have fun with the slasher formula. With Adam Divine and Thomas Middleditch in the cast, I did expect it to be funnier than it was. They only go after the easy jokes around the genre, and don’t play as much as they could with the archetypal characters or slasher absurdities. It ends up being surprisingly predictable. Score 6/10

We managed to find a copy of 28 Days Later (which isn’t streaming anywhere, even Amazon) and were treated to the re-awakening of the zombie movie @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website https://youtu.be/7suz9ndPBHg Synopsis Some evil scientists were playing with fire and testing the effects of rage on Chimpanzees, when a group of radical extremists with Green Peace set the Apes free.  One Ape attacked another and then everyone got angry, but not just angry, rageful.  28 days later and our protagonist, Jim (Cillian Murphy) awakes from his medically induced coma to a deserted and dilapidated London. He wanders the streets before finding some angry higher apes and quickly learns not to tango with this “rage” stuff. After Jim meets up with Selena (Naomie Harris), Frank (Brendan Gleeson), and Franks daughter they decide to brave the wilds of Great Britain to find a military outpost that’s sending a hopeful message over the airwaves. Everyone get’s more apes than they bargained for. Review 28 Days Later is an important movie in the zombie genre. It’s not strictly a zombie movie, rather a re-imagining of a somewhat more likely scenario that could lead to something approximating a zombie movie outcome. If rabies was weaponized, the outcome might look something like 28 Days Later.  There was never a shortage of B zombie movies since their inception, and there never will be. But there have been lulls in the popularity of the zombies in general, and moments of revival – 28 Days Later is largely responsible for one of the biggest revivals of zombies in the zeitgeist. Arguably, this movie helped kick off some of the biggest zombie movies and games in the last 20 years. There is no doubt that 28 Days Later is effective. The direction is great, the acting and script are pretty good too.  https://www.horrormovietalk.com/2022/01/19/dawn-of-the-dead-2004-review/ More than anything, the theorycraft is impressive and logical – which is where the concept of zombies really catches the imagination of audiences. The movie is dark, depraved, and hopeless, but manages to throw a little bit of family feeling in the somewhat slow second act that helps to redeem the pacing. Overall, it’s great at what it does, and the soundtrack is phenomenal. Watch 28 Days Later Buy a Physical Copy on Amazon Click here to Buy Score 10/10

Cocaine Bear never forgets his lines. Synopsis Cocaine Bear is loosely based on a true story of a bear that finds and consumes cocaine air dropped by a cocaine smuggler in 1985. In this movie, instead of dying immediately, it does what everyone imagines in their head when they hear the words “Cocaine Bear”. It goes on an unhinged coked up rampage across a state park.  Along the way, Cocaine Bear’s, or as his friends call him, Pablo Escobear, crosses paths with drug dealers, thugs, rangers, children, and a mom. These people fare about as well as you would expect against Cocaine Bear. Review of Cocaine Bear The movie is structured basically as a slasher in that the characters are mostly there as fodder, and they are all trying to escape an unhinged, all powerful killer. However, even for a slasher, these characters have super thin development. None of them have what I would call an “arc”. Not even Cocaine Bear. The cast is serviceable with Kari Russel, MArgo MArtindale, Ray Liotta (RIP), and a bunch of newcomers. They just aren’t given much to work with. Really the most valuable and enjoyable thing that this movie gives you is the title. It’s going to be talked about in knowing tones by the same people that mention Sharknado movies without having actually seen it. To it’s credit, it doesn’t shy away from the gore, and earns it’s R rating, but doesn’t go crazy.  Overall, it’s ok. There are enjoyable moments, and the concept is novel early on, but it loses it’s edge very quickly and it becomes just a waiting game for the obvious ending. It’s a B movie with a 35 million dollar budget. I didn’t expect much, and it perfectly met my expectations Score 4/10

We watched Scream 6 and were impressed with this incredibly fresh new take on the otherwise stale genre of slashers in 2023! @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website https://youtu.be/h74AXqw4Opc Synopsis A year after the events of Scream (2022) where the Woodsboro murders decimated the group of plucky, woke high school students, we find ourselves in college, in New York City. In a super weird turn of fate, our young heroins Sam Carpenter (Melissa Barrera) and her sister Tara (Jenna Ortega) are being stalked by none other than Ghost Face himself. As the friend group pulls together to try to figure out who the new killer might be, they also become suspicious of each other. As it turns out, this killer follows the rules of horror movie tropes, and could easily be one of their closest friends, if these Stab movies are to be believed. Will the friends figure out who the new killer is? Will Ghost Face say some quippy line? Who will be stabbed, and who will come out on top? Review I just asked a bunch of cliff hanger questions at the end of my synopsis. And Scream is known for it’s meta takes and twists. Here’s a meta twist for you – I don’t give a shit who comes out on top AT ALL!!! I stopped caring about Scream the moment the second movie started in 1997. It’s always a slightly diminished crew of last year’s protagonists looking at each other and figuring out what movie trope they are breaking that will get them killed. If only Ghost Face would just hop off of the screen and do me so I don’t have to sit through another one of these cash grab installments. Is Scream 6 bad? No, it’s fine. It’s fan service. But everything is fan service now. Fan service has replaced originality in favor of safety. Do you want safety? IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT? Yes. As it turns out, you do. Or at least that’s what your wallet says when you pay to go see the new Scream, or Halloween Ends, or The Purge 8: Unlimited Bulimia.  Watch Scream 6 Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Watch Sometimes you just need some nostalgia in your life, and this is that. It’s not going to blow you away, or make you wish there were more Scream movies. It’s going to pelt you with ‘member berries.  I will say that this version of Ghost Face might be the strongest in my memory, even if my memory for this is pretty bad. He is wiry, and powerful, and frantically hateful. His acts of violence are gruesome and gross. The reveal at the end of Scream 6 is a prime example of more is better syndrome. Can this be topped? Only if the killer in Scream 7 is the early 90’s version of the monster truck named “Bigfoot”. As long as you don’t expect much, Scream 6 is a Film. Score 5/10

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It’s a magical evening folks. Every year the HMT academy gets together and chooses the best moments and movies of the year. Join us and celebrate another year of horror cinema. Best ad Buffalo Bills Weight Loss Center – The Silence of the Lambs Kurt Russels Mustache Rides – Bone Tomahawk ep Loch Lomond death – dog soldiers ep Normal Activity – Paranormal Activity Episode Discount Dentures – Drag Me To Hell Episode Billy Zane – The Mummy Centipede Twister – Human Centipede 2 ep Estrogen Network – MEN ep Best Guest Fart Simpson (The Wailing/Resolution) Dustin Goebel (The Sadness) Max Allen (The Mummy) Bryan (Cabin Fever) Annie Hardy (Dashcam) James Jude Courtney (Halloween Ends) Keith (Scream 2022) Most Sexual Moment Kinsey Scale – firestarter 2022 episode Should we get naked – Cabin Fever Episode Zombie Jacking – Resolution Review Be careful what you wish for – stranger by the lake episode Poison Tits – hostel ep I’m About to Cum – The Sadness Ep Most Problematic Moment What a Dumb Bitch – The Mummy Gypsies -Drag Me To Hell Episode OOPS – Constantine episode Don’t use the n-word – Get Out DAvid’s a little racist – Dog Soldiers Ep Most Psychologically REvealing Moment David Hates Horses – Nope Episode Bryce’s fear of electronics – the ring Bryce’s brain is too strong – smile ep The Real Bryce – Bone Tomahawk Ep TAke it Back – texas chainsaw massacre 2022 episode” Listening like God – The Possession of Hannah Grace Episode I can Talk About TikTok – Orphan First Kill ep Worst Movie We Watched this year Puppet Master (1978) 13 Ghosts Buffy The Vampire Slayer Halloween Ends Studio 666 Orphan: First Kill Best Movie We Watched this year Silence of the Lambs Paranormal Activity The Fly (1986) Barbarian Carrie (1976) Dawn of the Dead (2004) Get Out Hatching (Pahanhautoja) Prey The Menu Worst New Movie of 2022 Halloween Ends Studio 666 Orphan: First Kill Terrifier 2 Scream (2022) Firestarter (2022) Crimes of the Future Best New Movie of 2022 X Nope Hatching (Pahanhautoja) Prey The Menu Barbarian ———————————————— Perfect 10s The Silence of the Lambs Paranormal Activity The Fly (1986) Barbarian Carrie (1976) Lowest Scored Halloween Ends (3.5) Buffy The Vampire Slayer (3.5) 13 Ghosts (2.5) Puppet Master (1989) (2) Biggest Discrepancies in Scores The Babadook (D=3, B=10) Crimes of the Future (D=9, B=4) Smile (D=6, B=10) The Mummy (1999) (D=10, B=6) Best Co-Host David Day Bryce Hanson

We dig the 80’s and here’s proof. What are your favorite 80’s horror movies? @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website

The Descent is more than a decent movie, it’s phenomenal. It doesn’t play it safe by making just a straight ahead monster movie, it delves into many different kinds of phobias along the way. Synopsis The Descent starts out similar to my favorite porn, with a team of international women out in the woods. They go caving in an uncharted cave system in the Appalachians. Quickly their expedition goes sideways when a cave in happens and they are stuck in the caves, short on supplies. The film quickly turns terrifying as they find out that the caves are full of goblin monsters hell bent on eating them, which happens to be my least favorite porn. Review of The Descent This is a fantastic horror movie that hits a lot of different beats of horror. It deals out claustrophobia, dread, jump scares, interpersonal drama, all while passing the Bechdel test. A rare accomplishment in any horror film. The unique setting of the film and the deliberate slow burn draws the audience in, in a way that most monster films don’t. By the time we are introduced to the main antagonists of the film, we have already seen the protagonists crushed with the fatigue and uncertainty of whether they will ever find a way out. Although dark and disorientating, the film has some really great creature design and gory special effects. It let up even in the end, and is a really unique viewing experience. Score 10/10 Coltan Scrivner Links https://www.coltanscrivner.com/ https://coltanscrivner.substack.com/

We watched the Wes Craven classic, The People Under the Stairs, from 1991 and were delighted to see how close our interpretation of landlords are to the real thing! @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website https://youtu.be/gx4jKIzvVUo Synopsis The People Under the Stairs is the story of Fool, AKA Poindexter, AKA Brandon Quintin Adams who’s mom has cancer and can’t pay the rent.  Being saddled with the idea that he is now “the man of the house” at 12 years old, he realizes that he very badly wants not to lose that house.  Unfortunately for Fool, his landlords are literally the whitest, scariest, most sadistic BDSM freaks slash shotgun owners to ever grace God’s green earth. They are so terrifying that they actually keep a hoard of invalid children under their house, and feed their pet dog Cujo parts of the people that they kill. Fool is brought on a mission to case the house his landlords live in by Ving Rhames, in an attempt to steal enough money to ironically pay the rent. What ensues is an insane game of cat and mouse that will surely leave Fool with lasting scars, trauma, and an intense hatred of white people. Review The People Under the Stairs is something of a unique movie now, but if you take a look at the time that spawned it, it begins to make more sense. It’s in good company with the likes of Nightbreed, Gremlins 2, Army of Darkness, House, and The Gate. This is a dark comedy and horror movie with a decent amount of disturbing ideas and themes. It’s executed in such a way that dates it tremendously, but leaves you with that waxy film of early 90’s charm coating your mouth. While the acting is over-the-top, the themes are in-your-face, and the characters are just caricatures of stereotypes, it’s still interesting and fun. Watch The People Under the Stairs Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Watch I can’t think of anyone who would hate this movie, but I am sure that there are plenty who love it to death.  The intense themes of minority marginalization, class inequity, sexism, and gentrification are present throughout. These themes are smash you in the face in nature, and are sandwiched in so much hammy acting that it’s a little hard to take it seriously. Overall, this is a great movie to curl up on the couch and watch on a Friday night. Score 6/10

If you are making the choice between Let the Right One In and Let Me In, the former is the right one. This taut and moody vampire tale pushes the boundary for what’s possible in the genre. Synopsis Let the Right One in is a new twist on the vampire tale, that asks, what if vampires were pedophiles? It’s about Oskar, a 12 year old Swedish boy that is relentlessly bullied while he deals with his parents separation. In the course of planning to be Sweden’s first school shooter, he meets Eli, the new girl in town that hates shoes and loves having the higher ground. Eli is the stereotypical manic pixie dream girl, who has quirky hobbies like puzzle collecting, communicating through Morse, and violently murdering people by sucking their blood. Review of Let the Right One In (2008) Let the Right One In was remade in English as “Let Me In”, but if you haven’t the original, do yourself a favor and watch it in the original language. Not only are the performances a little better overall, most importantly, the tone is vastly better than the remake. The sparse and brutal mise en scene matches the sparse and brutal storyline. The stark empty courtyards and public parks compliment the empty and stark life of lonely latchkey kids. At the heart of the story is a coming of age romance between two tragic characters that is very compelling. There is an impending sense of dread for all the main characters. You are rooting for them, but in pretty much every possible outcome there will be tragedy.  This film is an excellent entry into the vampire genre that shows that there are still compelling iterations to explore that don’t rely on the Dracula archetype. Score 10/10

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We watched House of 1000 Corpses and were impressed by the use of stock footage and new footage made to look like fucked out stock footage.  @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/OiRQOpC0nhg Synopsis House of 1000 Corpses is the story of some 20 somethings on a road trip around the US on a mission to find gas station oddities and fright museums. They stumble upon Captain Spaulding’s museum of monsters and madmen and end up flies in the web of the firefly family.  The firefly family are a group of twisted, backwater Texans who torture and kill unsuspecting kids on outings in their car.  The kids are treated to the extensive horrors around the firefly family property before they are picked off one by one. If this sounds like a Texas Chainsaw Massacre ripoff, that’s because it is. Had it been made with the tiniest bit of skill or nuance, it might have been able to get away with being called an homage or a tribute, but alas, ripoff will have to do. Review House of 1000 Corpses is quite a sideshow. It’s the first of writer / director Rob Zombie’s feature films, and the start of an obsession for the musician. It seems like Rob saw films like Texas Chainsaw, Halloween, and Salem’s Lot,  as a child and wondered to himself, “What goes on in the parts of these movies that I don’t get to see? Why is Michael the way he is? What other weird things happen in the Cannibal’s house?”  And he had to create the lore that he so desperately desired to see. To be fair, those are awesome questions. Who wouldn’t want to see what happens in Texas Chainsaw the day after the massacre? As it turns out, the answer is me. I don’t care about the reality behind the mysteries being shown to me nearly as much as I enjoy being allowed to let my mind wander around those creepy questions.  Once you answer the question of why Michael is the way he is, I hate the outcome. Watch House of 1000 Corpses Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch Apart from this fundamental issue with digging up and rehashing old movies that are arguably the best of their kind ever made, the House of 1000 Corpses is a trainwreck. It’s Americana turned up to 11 and drenched in neon gas station colors, and it smells like the armpit of the oldest, nastiest man you’ve ever sat next to on the bus. The acting is pitiable as soon as Sheri Moon shows up and awesome when old pro’s like Sid Haig grace the screen. The story is tenuous and boring, the violence is schlocky, the comedy is raunchy. It’s not my cup of tea, but for what it is, it’s pretty influential. Some would say that it was one of the most over-the-top entries in the gore-porn genre of the 2000’s. I would disagree with those people, but still. Anyone sitting down to watch a movie called House of 1000 Corpses will get exactly what they were expecting, that much is certain.  Score 2/10

Are you ready for our take on the biggest scam horror movie of 2023? We break down this low effort film with a low effort episode of horror movie talk. We hope Sharon, Lois, and Bram would be happy. Synopsis IMDB gives the following synopsis for Skinamarink: Two children wake up in the middle of the night to find their father is missing, and all the windows and doors in their home have vanished. That is only ½ true. There are still plenty of doors and windows, because that is were the camera is looking for 90% of the film. A more accurate description is that Skinamarink is shots of nothing, with no narrative, and the occasional jump scare to scam you into thinking it’s something. There are two children, but to say the movie is about them is to say The Shining is about the twins. They are there for the same purpose as everything else in the film. To be vaguely creepy. https://youtu.be/APQqilSTxz0 Review of Skinamarink As the runtime drags on, the audience realizes that there is a nefarious presence behind everything, pulling the strings with evil intent that is never fully explained. …the director. I get what this is. It’s challenging. It is an art film that plays with emotions and expectations in a way that is undeniably uncomfortable and creepy. However, it does feel like a scam. It blows my mind that this was shown in theaters. That’s the most amazing thing about the experience, is that it defies all logic that it exists as a commercial product, and it defies all logic that people will watch it. This film makes me angry. I was angry that this is considered a movie. I was angry at how cheep the gimmicks were. I was angry that it was still somehow effective, but mostly I was angry that I watched it. Score 1/10

We went and saw M3gan and were shown what would happen if you allowed a robot to raise your child. Also, there was a crazy rich Asian in it! @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/BRb4U99OU80 Synopsis A hot robotics engineer, Gemma (Allison Williams) strikes paydirt when her sister and brother in-law die and she ends up with her orphan niece, Cady (Violet McGraw). Now, she can finally test her over-engineered killing machine slash toy on an unsuspecting child-victim that she is the guardian for. M3gan, is an AI driven toy slash babysitter slash baby SLITTER. She is going to be the toy everyone buys this year, that is if she can convince the archeologists and the lawyer that Jurassic Park, er – M3gan is safe. Everyone gets more hydraulic death than they bargained for. Review M3gan came with a ton of hype, probably because it’s got the high-tier status with Blumhouse, which means their full marketing budget. I can’t say it let me down, but it’s also not blowing my socks off. This is a better-than-average horror movie with some solid jump scares and a creepy concept that’s similar to that of a Child’s Play movie.  The idea of your child being raised by a robot is scary enough when all you do is plop them down in front of Youtube. When you plop them down with a silicone covered robot that can wink and has opposable digits, it gets even creepier. Watch M3gan Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch M3gan is scary at times, and quite funny as well. Some of the one liners landed perfectly for me, which was a lot of fun.  If you are the kind of person who has a hard time not picking movies apart, M3gan is not for you. This is a popcorn munching, good time with friends kind of movie.  It’s got some great moments, but will be forgotten in a year or two, which is better than being forgotten as quickly as it comes out. Score 7/10

You know that SNL sketch were it was a trailer for a slasher movie directed by Wes Anderson? Yeah, well this was pretty close. Synopsis White Noise tells the story of a blended family led by Jack and Babette as they experience the joy and terror of academia, man-made disasters, and supermarkets. This film is categorized as a comedy/drama/horror, and if it’s one of those things, I guess it’s all of them. The horror element is equally treated with black comedy, and comes out mostly in the narrative of the “airborne toxic event” but also is sprinkled throughout. However, I would forgive anyone saying that this is not really a horror movie. But again, I would ask, what is it then? Review of White Noise (2022) The film is written (adapted) and directed by Noah Baumbach, which I associate with Marriage Story and The Meyerowitz Stories, but also cowrote The Life Aquatic and The Fantastic Mr. Fox with Wes Anderson.  Both sensibilities blend here in this adaptation of Don DeLillo’s novel of the same name. The characters are acting like recognizable normal people, but the dialogue they are speaking seems like it’s coming from a beat poet’s fever dream, and the plot borders on the surreal.  I’m still processing it, and most of it just kind of washed over me, but the main takeaway is that it matches the general vibe of the late 20th century being an uneasy pre-dystopia very well. I imagine that I’ll watch it again, and that it will get much better with more reps, especially as you get more familiar with the rapid fire, overlapping, enigmatic dialogue. Score 7/10

We watched John Carpenter’s Christine and were treated to some good, old fashioned, car calendar porn. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/0Xq75RR7otQ Synopsis A nerdy young man named Arnie (Keith Gordon) finds his soulmate in a 1958 Plymouth Fury. He rebuilds the car and in-turn rebuilds himself as a confident, independent lad. You Arnie notices that girls are now attracted to him, and this turns him into a force of nature. But the real force of nature seems to be his car, nicknamed Christine. Christine seems to have a life of her own, a life centered around taking life from others.  Arnie’s mom and dad are worried about him, his friends are worried about him, and even his hot stuff girlfriend is worried about him.  Anyone who crosses Arnie, though, is worried about Christine. Everyone get’s more classic cars than they bargained for. Review This coming of age tale is the inverse Stephen King screenplay to the movie we reviewed last week, Carrie, where a young girl gets her period and subsequently murders her whole school.  In Christine, we see a nerdy young man get that big dick energy when he finds something to obsess over, which is strangely true-to-life for males. Best of all, the ending sequence takes place on New Years Eve! Christine isn’t the silver screen powerhouse that Carrie is, but it’s interesting when viewed back to back with it’s feminine counterpart. Watch Christine (1983) Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch It’s slow, sometimes tedious, and a little mellow for a movie directed by the same guy who brought us Halloween and The Thing (John Carpenter). That being said, there was no part of Christine where I was upset with it.  It really struck me how much of the sentiment of Carrie is in here. Arnie gets bullied relentlessly by bullies at school and his parents aren’t exactly cool. Even the garage owner bullies Arnie around. In the end Arnie doesn’t find the power within himself, he imbues it into his work. This is a weirdly masculine trait.  Where Carrie finds the magic within her, Arnie finds it within other things. Arnie needs things and others in a uniquely masculine way. He needs acceptance, he needs a girlfriend. He needs Christine. Carrie doesn’t need anyone, she just needs peace. She has had it with your shit. Arnie has too. It’s a solid movie about a car that has the shining.If that sounds like a good time to you, this is honestly something you will enjoy.  Score 6/10

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In the most accurate portrayal of a girls high school locker room, we are treated to the wonders and horrors of puberty. Girls experience changes in their body such as menstruation and telekinetic powers, and boys get hard. Synopsis In this film adaptation of Stephen King’s first novel, Carrie White (Sissy Spacek) is a super sheltered teenage girl being raised by a religious fanatic mother while going to high school. In the first scene, we see Carrie experience her first menstruation in the girls locker room and she is utterly unequipped and humiliated. She’s relentlessly bullied by the other girls, and as a result they are punished and some seek revenge. The film shows Carrie’s journey from being an outcast to being a self actualized young woman, albeit in a tragic way. All along the audience is privy and sympathetic to the trainwreck slowly unfolding. Review of Carrie Carrie was a surprise hit in 1976. Off of a budget of 1.6 million, it grossed over 30 million in the box office. Brian DePalma, the director, skillfully adapted King’s novel to the screen. There are two other Carrie adaptations, but this 1976 version is the only one that is unforgettable. It walks the line between dark comedy, horror, melodrama successfully. The over the top cruelty and humiliation portrayed in the film don’t seem ridiculous in the setting of high school, because they represent the inner distorted world that every teenager experiences in high school. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a teenager’s imaginary audience. Some of the characters are more caricatures than people, but the one that counts most is Carrie, and all the others serve to make hers compelling and believable. Her reactions and countenance seem insane until you meet her fanatic mother, and the pieces all fall into place. The film deserves it’s place as one of the most iconic horror movies of all time. It’s enjoyable and unforgettable. It’s unique, strange, and somehow extremely relatable. Score 10/10

We watched Hatchet on Tubi and were treated to one of the most generic comedic slashers I’ve ever seen in my entire life. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/9wiSir2Cs18 Synopsis Twenty somethings are in New Orleans and decide it will be fun to go on a haunted swamp tour.  What they don’t realize is that this is Victor Crowley’s (Kane Hodder) swamp. Who is Victor Crowley? Besides being a close personal friend of Ozzy Osborne, he is a troubled man who lived a troubled life full of cruelty inflicted upon him by local kids. Victor’s ghost(?) now haunts the swamp where he was tragically killed by happenstance and tragedy. Everyone gets way more ripped apart than they bargained for. Review I chose to review Hatchet because I’m having a hard time in my personal life and this seemed like the kind of thing that I could handle. I was right. There is nothing here to make me feel feelings. Just mindless distraction in the form of sex, violence, and heinous monstrosities against God. The comedy is without feeling. The violence is without warrant. The concept is as old as film. Monster bad – but monster also tragic – but get out of my swamp. There are attempts at comedy that do not land. There is gratuitous violence that sloshes buckets of blood all over the place. There are even hot girls shooting softcore porno. Watch Hatchet (2006) Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch Adam Green is the director of Hatchet, which is clearly an homage to 80’s and 90’s slashers the likes of Candyman, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th.  Green manages to conjure all of the basics from these legendary slasher titles with absolutely none of the heart of any of them.  Horror icons Kane Hodder, Robert Englund, and Tony Todd are featured in hatchet. Todd and Englund as fun cameos and Hodder as Crowley himself. This is as boring and lifeless a movie as I can imagine and it helped me through a tough time. Sometimes a mindless waste of time filled with brimming buckets of blood is exactly what the doctor ordered. Hatchet proves that movies don’t have to be good or fun or anything but a waste of time.  Score 4/10

Have you ever fallen in love with a car? Like really fallen in love with a car? Well take that lust and combine it with a horror movie, and you get Titane. Synopsis Titane is about a lot of things. I mean, what isn’t Titane about? It’s not quite a Tit, and it’s not quite an Ane, but maaaan…so to answer your question, I dunno. Just kidding, it’s about the worlds most famous female auto show twerker/serial killer getting pregnant from fucking a car, and posing as a grieving father’s long lost son. So, you know, that old yarn. https://youtu.be/Q5_w2W5G9OM Review of Titane This movie is really something else. There are obvious comparisons to David Croenenberg since it has some great disturbing body horror, but at the same time, it’s not like anything I’ve seen before.  There is very little hand holding, to the point where it’s never quite explained why the protagonist does the things she does. But it’s apparent that even the protagonist doesn’t know either. It’s a dream-like film with evocative lighting, disturbing imagery, and lots of tits. Despite The bizarre plot and sphinx-like protagonist, there is a deeply human core to this film. It examines the inscrutable nature of desire, compulsion, and loss. I liked it a lot, and see why it got so much buzz last year. I wouldn’t say it’s a must see, but if you are in the mood for something really weird, check it out. Score 8/10

We went and saw The Menu, and were plated with a heaping helping of comedy drenched in satire, smothered in secret sauce. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/Kx55Rkynhtk Synopsis One of the world’s most prestigious and private restaurants is located on an island where access is as limited as the invites. A young couple of Tyler (Nicholas Hoult) and Margot (Anya Taylor-Joy) are lucky enough to make the list along with a variety of other impressive clientele. Chef Slowik (Ralph Fiennes) is a serious man with serious talent, dedication, and staff – Maybe too serious. What no one realizes is that tonight the menu is an extra special one and everyone gets more second helpings than they bargained for. Review The Menu is a strong dish that is best served without too much foreknowledge of what’s in store. It’s a moody thriller that is, at it’s core, a loving homage to dry comedies like A Mighty Wind and Best in Show. It’s takes a deep look at inspiration in creation and skewers the consumers of art and food alike. It’s pretentious and funny and quite gruesome.  It’s also a ton of fun.  Watch The Menu Buy or Rent on Amazon Click Here to Watch In the first 20 minutes, I desperately wanted to dislike this movie. Eventually it won me over with its incredibly dry humor wrapped in macabre violence and disdain for humanity. Every character is interesting and adds something to the story, and each bit of the story unfolds in a way that keeps you waiting for that next dish. Most importantly, The Menu doesn’t overstay its welcome. It’s perfectly portioned out and cooked to a nice sweet and nutty glaze. Score 10/10

People are strange when you’re a stranger. This week we review The Strangers. Why? Because we were home. Synopsis A young couple comes home late after a friend’s wedding. Kristen, played by Liv Tyler, and James, played by Scott Speedman, appear distraught despite the obvious preparations for a romantic evening at home. We learn that their evening has been ruined by a failed proposal, and they awkwardly work their way through the fallout. In the midst of their relationship turmoil in the middle of the night, they receive a strange visitor looking for “Tamara”. They turn the teen girl away, but she soon returns. Eventually more Strangers in masks show up and torment the young couple with increasingly strange behavior. Review of The Strangers The Strangers is in a group of super nihilistic horror films that use lack of motive, message, and pretense to their advantage. The dread felt in this movie is strong, and is caused by the confusion and hopelessness of the protagonists’ situation. The other feature of this story is that it is believable. The opening credits state that it is based on true events. Mainly that murderers exist and sometimes they target complete strangers for no reason. The film reminds me of original Last House on The Left, and Funny Games, mostly because they will all completely ruin your night. The film is well crafted and the suspense and tension is expertly increased over time. It’s a very simple and uncomplicated premise delivered in a tight hour and 30 minutes. The ending is a gut punch and will stick with you. Score 8/10

We watched Dashcam on Hulu and got treated to the best 67 minutes of comedy laced terror wrapped in found footage goodness since Creep. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/uOqHr1bC7iw Synopsis Annie Hardy is the talented host of her own stream called Band Car. Band Car is the internet’s #1 live improvised music show broadcast from a moving vehicle.  Annie raps to a beat while spouting what lots of Americans today would consider risque truths mixed with conspiracy theories.  In an effort to escape the insanity of a divided America, Annie heads across the pond to visit her former band mate, Stretch. Unfortunately, Annie and Stretch get into a fight because his girlfriend is a stuck up prude, and Annie takes Band Car on the road in Stretch’s stolen car. Things start to get weird when Annie picks up a sick woman named Angela.  Everyone get’s more mask mandates than they bargained for. Review Dashcam is the second found footage horror movie by Rob Savage, who in 2020 brought us Host. Fortunately, this time Rob had the foresight to cast Annie Hardy to play the role of his main character, Annie Hardy. Annie is probably the most entertaining actress I’ve ever seen. She is clever, talented, complicated, a little crazy, and totally hilarious. Dashcam is carried almost entirely by Annie and her improvised streamer banter and bullshit. Watch Dashcam Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Watch What Annie doesn’t shoulder, is the completely insane pacing and action of this movie. Every five minutes we find ourselves in someplace new fighting off an escalating array of horror and insanity. As we delve deeper into the terror, we find ourselves asking, “How can it get more crazy than this?” A word to the wise, you should probably buckle up, because it gets crazier! This year we’ve been blessed with tons of great horror movies, and Dashcam is one of the best.  Score 9/10

You called. We answered again.

When you’re smiling the whole world smiles at you. Maybe not in this case, but most of the resto of the time. Synopsis Dr. Rose Cotter, a workaholic psychiatrist at a busy hospital, sees a troubled patient that complains of hallucinations of people with creepy smiles terrifying her every waking moment. Initially Dr. Cotter doesn’t believe the young woman, but when the same phenomenon begins happening to her, she must investigate the origins of the mysterious curse before it is too late. Review of Smile (2022) Smile is the first feature length film from writer/director Parker Finn and is a retelling and expansion of his short Laura hasn’t slept. I haven’t been this excited about a new director since Ari Aster. I loved this movie. It has depth, it’s well crafted, and it features excellent performances from its cast. Lets start with the tone and theme of the movie. It’s an on the nose allegory for the long lasting emotional effects of trauma, which specifically uses trauma as a device in the plot. The fact that it is so on the nose and that I didn’t feel like it was ever ham handed in it’s delivery, makes it all the more impressive to me. The tone is dark and helpless, and only sinks deeper throughout. The direction and editing was fantastic. It has some of the best jumpscares I have ever witnessed, and somehow they seemed innovative instead of hacky. I jumped and yelled out several times in the theater. In so doing, it reaches the elusive praise of being “scary” by which some viewers judge horror movies.  The sound design and music should almost get top billing on the poster. I’ve never been so disorientated and terrorized by ringing phones. The music is deeply unsettling and is composed by Cristobal Tapia de Veer, who did the music for White Lotus on HBOMax Sosie Bacon, relative of the famous Travis Bacon, plays Rose, and her devolution into madness was convincing and heart wrenching. The characters felt fleshed out, and the relationships felt real. There was one scene between Rose and her fiance played by The Boys’ Jessie T. Usher, that felt false to me, but eventually his character and that relationship was framed in a way that even made that one moment make sense. It’s a movie that can be easily compared to It Follows and Th e Babadook, but it doesn’t ever feel derivative. I didn’t think I’d find another horror movie this year that I’d love as much as Barbarian, but here we are, just weeks later. I can’t stress this enough. I am a jaded, pretentious movie reviewer (see my comments on Terrifier 2’s review for proof). I no longer watch horror movies out of love or desire. I watch them out of obligation. This movie and Barbarian opened my cold heart and gave me childlike joy and terror, much like the critic at the end of Ratatouie. My faith in filmmaking is restored when I see new creative writer/directors that can still shock and delight me in the movie theater. Thank you Parker Finn Score 10/10 Smile (2022) Add it to your collection or rent it now. Click here to buy

We watched Terrifier 2 and were treated to a homage to 80’s slashers with a runtime of a Lord of the Rings movie. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/6KkONLf_ZKU Synopsis A year after his original massacre, Art the Clown (David Howard Thornton) returns to terrify Miles County. This time instead of killing random people, he seems to have an agenda and a renewed sense of humor. Art targets the friends and family of Sienna (Lauren LaVera). He is twisted, hateful, and worst of all – inappropriately humorous. As he mutilates kids and adults alike, he kind of helps to bring Sienna’s family together, which is as weird as it sounds.  Review This is the third Art the Clown effort by writer/director Damien Leone, who was obviously beaten by his father as a child. I think that it’s fair to say that Art the Clown has earned a place among the likes of Michael Myers, Jason, and Freddy, although his brand of slasher is a much more horrifically violent one, with a kind of through the looking glass feel to the whole thing.  Terrifier 2 is the longest slasher I’ve ever seen. It’s fucking long. It’s longer than The Return of the Jedi by 20 minutes!! Lots could have been left on the editing room floor. This movie has so much extra dialog and mood scenes that I question whether or not they were just going for some kind of record. Watch Terrifier 2 Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Watch Does the runtime make it bad? No, it just makes it less good. Terrifier’s brand seems to be astonishingly fucked up gore set to slapstick and deadpan comedy. Some of the kill concepts in this are truly gruesome and will never leave your mind.  Is this movie good? I don’t know, it’s not my favorite thing to see horrendous gore, but I have to say, if I am going to see horrendous gore, I would choose to see it with Art the Clown. He a pretty funny guy. This is not a real movie to me, this is some sort of attempt at a world record. It’s a pretty interesting thing to see. It pays homage to slashers of olde while cramming sex and blood down your gullet in a way that truly sickens me and makes me want to ask, “what is wrong with kids these days?” But that’s the whole point. If that sounds like a good time to you, you probably didn’t need to listen to my review. Score 6/10

You called. We came twice.

If you’re ready for a howlin’ good time, look no further than Dog Soldiers. The setup of a group of soldiers provides an ideal level of character development and werewolf fodder in this 2002 monster movie. Synopsis In the highlands of Scotland, a group of soldiers are deployed in a training mission. Before long they stumble across the scene of another squad that has been ripped apart by an unseen monster. The lone survivor, Davos Seaworth, is close lipped about what they were attacked by and why they were there, since they were using live rounds and not a part of the training mission. Soon howling and fast moving creatures start picking them off until they run into a zoologist named Megan, who knows exactly what is hunting them, werewolves. https://youtu.be/UX9S3hdgZ5g Review of Dog Soldiers This is honestly the first time I’ve even heard of Dog Soldiers. And it doesn’t seem surprising given that it never had a wide release outside of the Sci Fi channel. This is a very simple movie with a relatively low budget. However, it squeezes every cent out of the budget and delivers a fun and entertaining monster movie. They opted to go completely practical with the effects, which limits a lot of what they can do with the werewolves, but it was the right choice given where CG was at the time.  There are some shots early on of the werewolves that are pretty laughable, in that they look like peachfuzz from Creep, but for the most part they limit the appearance of the werewolves in ways that hide how goofy they look full on. Regardless of the special effects, the plot, characters, and dialogue in the movie are what make it worth watching in my opinion. The relationships seem real, the dialogue is fun, and the actors really pull off great performances. This is a passion project of writer/director Neil Marshall, who is obviously having fun, and puts in a lot of references and call backs to his favorite movies throughout. While it might not be a “great” movie, the fun is infectious and its a compelling setup with some satisfying twists at the end. Score 7/10  Dog Soldiers Add it to your collection Click here to Buy or Rent

We watched Critters (1986) and were taken on a nostalgia trip the likes of which only an  80’s horror movie can deliver. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/9V3YGz-u2Ts Synopsis Critters is a fun and simple story about a slew of terrifying little Krites and their escape from prison asteroid sector 17, the bounty hunters hired to track them down, and a small town in Kansas who has to endure their reign of terror. After summarizing it, it seems a little less simple, but somehow it works. As the Krites crash-land on earth, the town comes under attack. As the bounty hunters arrive, things are thrown into an even more impressive disarray by the single minded and determined bounty hunter crew. Will the critters take over earth, or will the bounty hunters and earthlings learn how to team up to defeat these tiny terrors? Review Critters is a super-fun and easy-going 80’s creature feature with a ton going for it. It knows exactly what it is, which is a Star Wars, E.T. the Extra Terrestrial, Gremlins, Ghoulies, homage slash tribute slash ripoff. Watching Critters now, I feel like I can hear the producers saying, “People want new stuff that references old stuff in a way that makes them remember the old stuff, but this new stuff has to be it’s own fun thing.” That’s exactly what Critters is, and without shame or even too much in the way of fourth-wall-breaking winks. Watch Critters Rent or Buy on Amazon Click here to Watch It’s not going to blow you away or even make you feel scared. But it’s not really supposed to make you scared. It’s supposed to be a somewhat risque and fun film for you to sit down with your youngsters on a Friday night and munch on some popcorn over. This is a PG-13 film and in the eyes of a 10 year old, it earns it. It’s got some decent violence and lots of frightening explosions.  The Critters themselves are some of the most unique and well-thought-out horror movie monsters that I can think of. Here is a list of some of the more notable traits among Krites: Highly mobile when rolling in a ball Built in long-range with poison Krite quills Always hungry and can eat anything Can grow to massive proportions Can reproduce limitlessly It’s hard to hate this movie because it has so much going for it in the way of nostalgia. It uses tons of practical effects and puppetry and has a tangent storyline involving bounty hunters that is fun in a way that I can’t quite describe. Score 7/10 Get 13% Off your order at NightChannels.com when you use code HMT at checkout.

The long reign of terror is over. Or is it…? It is. Hopes were high after Halloween 2018, but each installment got progressively worse, until finally, Halloween Ends. Synopsis The town of Haddonfield, IL is on edge from the previous Halloween’s rampage from Michael Myers. Not in a way that gets them to be safer or demand justice, but mostly in a way that makes them irrationally blame Laurie Strode for all their problems. Corey, a good kid, ends up accidentally killing a little prick of a kid, and gets labeled as psycho by the town. He gets pushed around until he finally reaches a breaking point and starts to style himself after Michael Myers. Laurie Strode herself, after living a life based on fear and vengeance, training herself to be the ultimate mercenary, in this movie says, meh, I’ll just live like a normal grandma now. And Michael Myers shows up at the end. https://youtu.be/s0vtbxLa-N8 Review of Halloween Ends After Halloween Kills, my expectations were not high for this film, but nonetheless, it didn’t meet them. I imagine for fans of the Halloween franchise, this entry will be as befuddling to them as it is to me. You would think that this being the final entry in the franchise, it would focus on what makes it work. Mainly, the unstoppable Michael Myers. Nope, they play a switcheroo, and focus on attempting to create a Michael Myers stand in protege. It’s a bold move, and could be interesting, if they didn’t completely fuck up everything to do with character development and motivation. Every character in this movie acts completely irrationally. Your brain will feel whiplash as characters completely change motivations instantly. This serves to make the plot seem completely arbitrary and nonsensical. The film attempts to analyze the nature of evil via nature vs nurture, but it falls completely flat, since they don’t present a compelling or cogent argument for either. I will say that the ending is satisfying. Laurie and Michael do get their final standoff, and it does put a period on the franchise. After watching this movie, I do hope it is the last. Score 3/10 Watch Halloween Kills Watch on Amazon Click here to Buy or Rent

Wanna watch the grossest movie out there but don’t wanna do it alone? Allow our quips to keep you company in this Human Centipede 2 commentary track! Happy Halloween! If you had been on Patreon you would have had access to this months ago!

We watched Hellraiser (2022) and were reminded of a series which has virtually infinite potential and has fallen from grace, and risen like Lazarus to raise heck again. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/oUlgwJNdu2I Hellraiser can be found on Hulu in their formidable Huluween selection Synopsis Riley (Odessa A’zion) is a young woman struggling with addiction and staying sober. Her boyfriend, Trevor (Drew Starkey) is also a recovering addict who seems to be a little less concerned about sobriety and walking the straight and narrow.  Riley’s brother, Colin (Adam Faison) and his gay boyfriend, Matt (Brandon Flynn) are worried about Riley. When Riley and her straight boyfriend, Trevor break into a storage locker and steal the puzzle box – wacky hijinks ensue and everyone gets more heck than they bargained for. Review Hellraiser (2022) is a promising new movie based in the Hellraiser universe. It’s 54% reboot, 27% homage, 33% slow and boring, with a nice 12% helping of gloop. Probably the biggest thing that Hellraiser has going for it is David Bruckner is at the helm, fresh off one of our favorite movies of 2020 – The Night House and The Ritual from 2017. What works Hellraiser does a lot of things right. It keeps the plot pretty easy to follow, and stays true to a lot of the lore of the series. It also has a lot of nods to sequels in the long line of Hellraiser movies. The re-imagined Cenobites are off putting and sometimes horrifying, which is fabulous. Jamie Clayton as The Priest aka lady pinhead is something to behold, and strangely sexless as a character. Lots of this movie was upsetting and hard to watch, but there was some stuff that didn’t work too well for me. I’m a bit tired of the same story playing out over and over again.  Watch The Original Hellraiser Buy or Rent on Amazon Click here to Watch What doesn’t work With this intellectual property, you could go to actual hell, and have any number of incredible and weird stories play out. Just take Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 as an example. Instead, we have to see a bunch of new people going through a lot of similar actions that we’ve seen before.  The pacing on this Hellraiser is also incredibly slow. It’s clear that a slow burn was their intent, but sometimes it drags a little too much. Final Recommendation Overall, this is a breath of fresh air to an otherwise dead series, and I’m glad to see it. I’ve always thought that Hellraiser had a ton of potential, and this is a pretty high-quality example of where it can go. Score 7/10