Grief Out Loud

What does it mean to provide culturally aware grief support for families in the Latino community? We explore this question with Cristina Flores, Bilingual Ongoing Groups Manager and Flor Guebara, Spanish Outreach Manager, at Bo's Place in Houston, TX. Flor and Cristina discuss what they've learned about the barriers families face in accessing grief support and creative programming to help overcome those barriers. We also talk about developing an understanding of our own worldview and how that helps volunteers and others in the field practice being more culturally aware. To learn more about Flor and Cristina's amazing work at Bo's Place: Bo's Place Catalog of handouts in English and Spanish

In March of 2015 Joe DiNardo's wife, Marcia, died of pancreatic cancer. Before her death, he started writing a letter to her which would eventually become the beginning of his first book, A Letter to My Wife. In the midst of the pain of Marcia's diagnosis, illness, and death, Joe turned to his four decades of meditation and mindfulness practice to be as present as possible, both with his wife and his own heartbreak. To learn more about Joe and his story, visit his website: http://www.alettertomywife.org/the-book/

John Mayer first encountered grief when his older brother Stephen suddenly died at age 29 in 2007. Nine years later, John's second daughter, River, died 90 minutes after her birth. John talks about how he keeps Stephen and River present in his daily life and the ways he and his family reached out to their community for support. John also describes how his older daughter, who was 2 when River died, is making sense of her sister's death.

Our guest is Darwyn Dave, creator and host of the Dealing With My Grief podcast. In 1978, when Darwyn was ten years old, his father was killed. 38 years later, in January of 2016, Darwyn turned to podcasting as a way to explore grief and how it continues to shape the adult he is today. With his unique mix of candor and insight, Darwyn illuminates the interior world of what it was like to be 10 and suddenly without his father. Dealing With My Grief Podcast www.dealingwithmygrief.com Darwyn's Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/dealingwithmygrief/

Heather Stang, thanatologist, mindfulness speaker, and author of Mindfulness & Grief: With Guided Meditations To Calm Your Mind & Restore Your Spirit, joins us to talk about cultivating self-compassion as a powerful avenue for self-care while grieving. She shares an accessible technique that you can use anywhere to get connected to your emotional and physical needs and bring ease and understanding to the some of the most painful aspects of grief. To learn more about Heather's amazing work and listen to guided meditations, visit her website. (www.heatherstang.com)

What do you tell children when someone in their life is diagnosed with an advanced serious illness? How do you support them and everyone else who is affected by this devastating turn of events? Mia Nyschens joins us to talk about her work with families who are faced with the knowledge that someone they love is going to die. Mia is part of The Dougy Center's Pathways Program, which provides peer support groups for children, teens, and their adult family members when someone has a life-limiting illness. To learn more about Pathways, visit our website. For more tips on supporting children and teens when someone they love is dying, click here. If you know a teacher or school administrator who would like to learn how to support students, click here.

What happens when the term widow or widower doesn't fit because you weren't officially married to the person who died? This is often the case for young adults who lose their partners - especially in their twenties and thirties. They find themselves grieving their person, the one they were building a life with, and also dealing with the ramifications of not being an official family member in the eyes of the law. In this episode, we talk with Lynsey, about the power of words and the ways she judged her own grief after her partner Jared died in 2009.

Megan Devine joins us again, this time talking about another shadow aspect of grief - anger. Anger shows up in many ways, including being angry at the person who died, at ourselves, and at someone or something we hold responsible for the death. Megan shares her personal and professional insight on the importance of acknowledging this anger and finding ways to navigate what can often be a very uncomfortable emotion. Megan is a teacher, speaker, psychotherapist, and also the author of the book, It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand, coming from Sounds True in September 2017. It's available for pre-order on Amazon and you can order it here. To learn more about Megan's practical, no-nonsense approach to grief, and her ability to guide people inside some of the most devastating experiences of life and love, check out her website. Want to listen to our first conversation with Megan about dating after the death of a partner? You can find it here.

While we usually focus on the death of a parent or sibling, this episode explores what it's like for teens when a best friend dies. The best friend connection is unique, particularly in adolescence. It's the person a teen feels closest to in the world, the person who knows everything about them, even parts that are hard to show other people. Today's guest, Debbie, was 15 when her best friend died the summer before they were to start high school.

Jodie Brauer, founder of the annual Celebrate Silas Memorial 5K, joins us again as a guest to talk about the everyday rituals and routines that can be helpful in grief. These routines can be as unique as the relationship we had with the person who died. Head here to learn more about the Celebrate Silas Memorial 5K and to sign up or donate.

What does it mean when grief becomes part of our dreams? In this episode, we talk with Joshua Black, a Ph.D. student at Brock University, about his groundbreaking grief dream research. Joshua shares his findings on themes in grief dreams, how to better remember dreams, and suggestions for changing negative ones. To learn more about Joshua and his research, check out his website: www.griefdreams.ca Be sure to listen to his Grief Dreams Podcast and consider joining his Facebook Grief Dreams Group.

A lot goes into talking about the people in our lives who have died. Who do we tell? What do we share, not only about the person and what they meant to us, but about how they died? The words we choose - passed, lost, died - are heavy with meaning and emotion. Sometimes we choose words to make other people feel less uncomfortable. Sometimes the words we choose are the only ones we can make ourselves say out loud. How we talk about the death can be as personal and unique as our grief. Our guest is Sarah whose brother died just over five years ago. Sarah shares about her struggles with talking about her brother's death and what she's discovered in deciding to be more open with her story.

Holly Pruett, a certified Life-Cycle Celebrant who helps families to design individualized rituals for the end of life shares the wisdom she's acquired from years of working with people who are seeking to create meaningful ways to mark the major transition from life to death. In our conversation, Holly recounts examples of ways children have played roles in memorial services and gravesite ceremonies. She also provides suggestions for how to explain terms like burial and cremation to young children. You'll learn about possibilities around witnessed cremation, green burial, and caring for a loved one's body in the home. To find out more about Holly and her important work, check out her website, The Death Talk Project, and PDX Death Cafe. http://www.hollypruettcelebrant.com/ http://deathtalkproject.com/ http://deathtalkproject.com/pdx-death-cafe/

Jill, a longtime educator, incorporates mindfulness and other strategies for emotional regulation in classroom settings. We discuss how grief, stress, and trauma affect our bodies, brains, and emotions. Jill also shares some easy to implement suggestions for both adults and children to increase awareness and ease in response to stress, grief, and trauma.

The term comfort food usually brings to mind mac and cheese, lasagna, brownies, and other combinations of sugar and simple carbohydrates. When someone dies, the casseroles start to arrive, even when grief can evaporate your appetite. In today's episode, we talk with Dr. Drew Ramsey - a psychiatrist, farmer, and advocate for using food to support our bodies and brains. Dr. Ramsey outlines what foods are truly comforting when it comes to grief. He also shares simple, affordable ideas for choosing foods that are nutrient dense. To learn more about Dr. Ramsey's work, please visit his website: www.drewramseymd.com where you can find great recipes and suggestions in his three books: Eat Complete, 50 Shades of Kale, and The Happiness Diet. Want to be part of National Kale Day on 10.5.17? Visit www.nationalkaleday.org

What does it mean to be a child, grieving the death of a parent, when you're technically not a child? Rachel Ricketts, author of the site loss&found, shares what it's like to grieve her mother, who died after a long illness. As a teen, she became her mother's primary caretaker, which meant Rachel grew up being both the child and a parent. She talks in this episode about how grief radically changed her, along with what she's found to be helpful in making her way through this life-altering experience. Be sure to check out Rachel's site at www.lossandfoundxo.com

When someone dies, many of us are left with if onlys. Some are interwoven with thoughts that we could have somehow prevented the death, "If only I had asked him to pick me up later," "If only I made her go to the doctor sooner." Others relate to wishing we had connected more with the person - talked to them, asked in-depth questions about their life. We long to hear their advice and know how they would respond to events in our lives or the world. Sometimes though, we discover something about the person that we never expected. We learn information that leaves us shocked, disappointed, and angry. In this episode, Matthew shares his story of finding out a secret about his father, who died of cancer in 2009.

In this episode, the last in our 3 part series on grief after an overdose death, we talk with Liam who was just starting middle school when his brother died from a heroin overdose. Now a junior in college, Liam talks openly about what he experienced when the death first happened and how grief continues to be a part of his life. Liam shares suggestions for teens and their adults on how to talk about the death and provide ongoing support. If you are looking for a peer support program for teens in your home community, you can search here. For more tips on supporting grieving teens, check out this resource from The Dougy Center.

In part two of our three-part series on grief after an overdose death, we talk with Samina, whose son Ayaz died of a heroin overdose. The episode starts with Samina reading a poem that came to her while sitting on an airplane. She describes the poem as coming through her, as if Ayaz was speaking and she was the one with the pen. We discuss the heartbreak Samina and her family faced as they tried to help Ayaz through his addiction. Samina also shares insights from her experience and describes what helped and didn't help in the early parts of grief. To learn more about their national networks of support groups for grieving parents, please visit The Compassionate Friends

Based on numbers from the National Institute on Drug Abuse, heroin overdose deaths increased by six times from 2001 to 2014. In one state it is estimated that heroin overdose deaths jumped by 85% in the last two years. With this huge rise in overdose deaths, there is little out there on how to best support those who are left behind. Parents, children, siblings, partners, family members, and friends are left with broken hearts and so many questions. This episode is one in a 3-part series about grieving when someone dies of an overdose. We talk with Jessica whose younger brother died in 2011. In our conversation, we discuss what it's like when you didn't know the person was struggling with substance use along with the challenges of talking about the death with well-meaning others. Be sure to listen till the end for a special post-script by Jessica.

Jana is joined by Dougy Center staff member, Heather Dorfman, to talk about what helps (or might help) in grief, outside the realm of more formal support. As you listen to this episode, keep in mind: These ideas may help for some, not others. What's helpful can be unique for each person and very much informed by culture and other identities (just like grief). Some may have more options around taking care of self and children than others. Support people can focus their efforts on creating opportunities for their grieving loved ones to engage in self-care and compassion. Grief is holistic – involves emotions, body, mind, spirit/heart, community/relationships. Engaging in intentional activities to support each of these dimensions can be helpful. Consider writing down the ideas you'd like to try - it can sometimes be tough to remember them in the moment they're needed. If accepting help from others is challenging, consider that your acceptance of support is often experienced as such a gift by your friend or loved one – so do it for their sake if necessary! Body/movement – Grief can show up in our bodies as sluggishness, excess energy, stomach and sleep upsets Walking, hiking or otherwise moving and spending time outside Dancing, yoga, swimming Punching pillows/bed Knitting Setting a fitness goal that is safe for you Pay attention to what sorts of foods help with stomach upsets, and activities that help with settling into sleep and staying asleep at night. Mind – May experience a slow/foggy feeling in the brain, inability to concentrate/focus, confusion, rumination. Activities that help with focus, connection, and slowing things down can help. Learning/sharing new facts. Making calculations – concrete activities Reading (grief-related and non-grief books), podcasts, tv shows Meditating Crosswords/word searches/Sudoku/other games Debating Emotional/spiritual/social – Many receive support from a spiritual or other community. Your community might look like being in the trees, at the ocean, in a gym or library, participating in a support group, mosque, temple or church. Here are some other ideas: Meditation Ceremony/ritual, which can offer a sense of control, routine/structure, marking important experiences, dates Making or listening to music; making/experiencing other art (even coloring sheets). It may be helpful to make the activity simple for you Humor – which might look like dark, silly, or wry humor Cooking for self and others – or not cooking! Volunteering, which can offer the opportunity to step out of your own story for a while To find more formal grief support in your community, visit our website to search for help near you.

Whether it is a murder, murder-suicide, or a being killed by a driver under the influence, violent death adds multiple layers of complexity to grief. Jana and Joan discuss what children and teens may experience, along with suggestions for how to help. For additional information, refer to our Tip Sheet: Supporting Children and Teens After a Violent Death and our interactive workbook for children. For help with talking to children about mass shootings and other large-scale tragedies, we have two resources written by The Dougy Center's Senior Director for Advocacy and Training, Donna Schuurman, Ed.D., F.T. 1) Dear Lily: a letter to a 12-year old in response to America's most recent tragedy and 2) Talking with children about tragic events.

In the two years since his dad died, Mike bought a house, got married, and is expecting his first child. This episode explores what it means to grieve the person you would have turned to the most for advice and guidance on these major milestones in life. It's the story of a son whose father's values, principles, and personality continue to influence who he is and how he lives.

Dougy Center staff member, Joan Schweizer Hoff, joins Jana to talk about the top 5 things school administrators will want to consider when a student, teacher, or staff member dies. Top 5 Things: Delivering the news - How do you let the community know? What do you say/not say? The first days back at school - Suggestions for supportive activities. Memorial activities - What types of memorials do schools consider? Is it better to do something temporary or permanent? Identifying students who need additional help - Why it's important to pay attention to all students, not just those close to the person who died. Ongoing support - What can your school do in the short and long-term to be helpful to students and staff? Additional resources: Supporting the Grieving Student - DVD - For samples of letters to send to staff/families and a school crisis response plan: When Death Impacts Your School - A guide for school administrators Tangible suggestions for teachers: Helping the Grieving Student - a Guide for Teachers

There is a lot that goes unsaid in grief, particularly when it comes to dating after the death of a partner. Jana talks with Megan Devine, grief thinker, speaker, and author of the audio book, When Everything is Not Okay: Practices to Help You Stay in Your Heart & Not Lose Your Mind, about what comes up when grief and dating overlap. When do you know you're ready? How do you talk with your children? Be sure to check out Megan's website: www.refugeingrief.com along with her talk at the World Domination Summit, 2015: http://chrisguillebeau.com/megan-devine/ and a recent article on Huffington Post: www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/armchair-analysis-was-you_b_5333660.html

As a child Rachel Stephenson learned first hand the pain of not knowing the truth about her mother's death. The secrecy in her family led to a disconnection with her remaining parent and added layers of confusion and fear. In this episode, Rachel joins Jana with suggestions for how to talk openly and honestly with children about grief and loss. Be sure to watch Rachel's TEDxCUNY Talk: Against Grieving in Silence - https://youtu.be/6zIFGl5tPQQ and check out her blog Dear Dead Mother - https://deardeadmother.wordpress.com/

How do we talk with the youngest children about death? What words should we use? Can they even understand? In this episode Jana talks with Joan Schweizer Hoff about what helps (and what doesn't) when it comes to supporting preschoolers after a death. While children this age don't have the cognitive capacity to fully grasp the permanence and universal nature of death, concrete explanations, patience, and nurturing provide a foundation of support as they wrestle with understanding what it means when someone they love dies. For more information, check out The Dougy Center's Supporting Grieving Preschoolers Tip Sheet

For those who are grieving, birthdays and anniversaries of a loved one's death can loom large. What we do to mark these days is as individual and unique as our grief and the relationship we shared with the person who died. In this episode, Jana talks with Jodie about how her family approaches the birthday and anniversary of her baby Silas's death. For the past five years, Jodie and her family have organized Celebrate Silas, a community 5K run/walk that bring friends, family, and the larger community together to honor Silas and his birthday. This year's event is happening on 3.6.16 in Portland, OR. If you would like to participate or contribute, you can register and donate here: www.celebratesilas.com 100% of your donation goes to The Dougy Center and is fully tax deductible. If you cannot join us for the walk or run, please consider celebrating in spirit by making a donation to help us meet our fundraising goals.

The public and often sensationalized nature of a murder-suicide can overshadow the heartbreak and grief of those left behind. In this episode, Stephanie, a grieving mother and wife, joins Jana to talk about the deaths of both her husband and daughter. Stephanie's story offers ideas and suggestions for others facing similar losses.

V was six when her father died from cancer, but it wasn't until two decades later that she consciously engaged with her grief. A seeming random encounter at a local craft store cracked open emotions she wasn't able to explore as a child, leading to an avalanche of grief she never expected. As an adult, V turns to art and connections with others who are grieving for solace and understanding.

"How do I tell my children?" When someone dies of suicide, parents and caregivers want to know how to talk with their children about the death. Jana and Joan Schweizer Hoff explain why it's so important to tell children the truth about suicide and offer concrete suggestions for how to talk with them. For additional information, please see The Dougy Center's Suicide Resources Tip Sheet

Under the best of circumstances, the November & December holidays can be stressful. Add in grieving a loss and they can feel completely overwhelming. In this episode, you'll hear suggestions for navigating this time of year and ideas for incorporating memories of those who have died into your holiday traditions. The Dougy Center's Getting Through the Holiday Tip Sheet and Holiday Plan Worksheet Jana and Rebecca refer to can be found here: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/getting-through-the-holidays/

The last in a three-part series talking with those grieving the death of someone when the relationship was complex, difficult, or challenging. Jana talks with Diana about her father who died after seven years of no contact with him. Her mother, whom she was very close with, died 13 years earlier.

This is the second episode in a three-part series about grieving when the relationship with the person who died was difficult or challenging. Jana talks with Ashley, whose relationship with her brother was very conflicted. In the year before his sudden death, they began to reconcile, adding another layer to the complexity of grief when he died.

This is the first in a three-part series about grieving when the relationship with the person who died was complex or conflicted. In this episode, Jana is joined by Jenny, a mother of three who experienced the loss of her husband and their father. Jenny talks about how her grief was affected by the fact that she and her husband were recently separated when he died. She also offers advice and suggestions for other parents and caregivers in similar situations.

Why do people die of suicide? Join Jana and Donna Schuurman for a discussion about this complex question. Two prominent theories mentioned by Donna: Edwin Shneidman "Suicide is caused by psychache. Psychache refers to the hurt, anguish, soreness, aching, psychological pain in the psyche, the mind. Suicide occurs when the psychache is deemed by that person to be unbearable." Reference: Suicide as Psychache: A clinical approach to self-destructive behavior, (1995), p.51. Thomas Joiner 1. Perceived Burdensomeness 2. Thwarted Belongingness 3. Acquired capacity/decreased fear of pain of death Reference: Why People Die by Suicide (2007).

Eleanor and Litsa from What's Your Grief join us as special guests to talk about becoming a parent when you're grieving the death of your own parent or sibling. Listen in for suggestions on how to help your children build a relationship with the memory of the person who died and ways to make time for your own grief and self-care. Resources for talking with children and teens about death: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/how-to-help-a-grieving-child/ http://www.tdcbookstore.org http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/supporting-a-grieving-child/ http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/supporting-a-grieving-teen/ Article mentioned by Eleanor: http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/05/mother_s_day_gift_the_value_of_writing_letters_to_your_children_while_you.html Book mentioned by Litsa: The Disappearance is a memoir by Genevieve Jurgensen whose two young daughters were killed in a car crash. She seeks ways to help her other children, who were born after the crash, to know and feel connected to their sisters.

Have you ever struggled with the idea of finding closure in grief? Given grief's ongoing and evolving nature, the search for final closure can be a misguided pursuit, one that leaves us disheartened and even ashamed. In this episode you'll hear from a variety of grieving young adults as they break open the idea of closure and identify significant turning points in their process. You'll learn about moments of clarity, confusion, new understandings, and what it's like when the sharp emotions rise up again. Thank you so much to everyone who contributed to this episode.

When someone dies, it creates upheaval in the support system, leading to unfamiliar territory in terms of how to help those with different perceptions and expressions of grief such as language, repetitive gestures or patterning, emotional disconnect, and searching behaviors. Although the outward expression of someone's grief may be difficult to recognize, the need for their grief to be acknowledged and supported is universal. In this episode, Jana talks with Rebecca Hobbs-Lawrence, a staff member at The Dougy Center, about ways to support children and adults with developmental disabilities in their grief Suggestions for supporting children or adults with developmental disabilities in their grief: Acknowledge the loss by being present and responsive to their verbal and behavioral cues. Affirm that they are not alone, name the support people they have. Maintain a consistent routine as much as possible. Give a lot of advanced notice for when their daily routine may change or be unusual. Facilitate activities or rituals that will acknowledge the grief. This can help children and adults to develop coping strategies and find ways to remember the person who died. Resources: Finding Your Own Way to Grieve: A Creative Activity Workbook for Kids and Teens on the Autism Spectrum by Karla Helbert, 2012 Everyone Grieves: Stories about Individuals with Disabilities and Grief by Marc A. Markell, 2013 Helping People with Developmental Disabilities Mourn: Practical Rituals for Caregivers by Marc A. Markell, 2005 Lessons in Grief & Death: Supporting People with Developmental Disabilities in the Healing Process by Linda Van Dyke, 2003

How do we help children when a family member is dying? The diagnosis of a terminal illness brings uncertainty, fear, and heartbreak into their lives, leaving the adults who love them unsure of what to do or say. In this episode, Jana talks Tony Grace about how to best support children when a family member has an advanced serious illness. Here are some suggestions for ways to talk with them about the illness and activities to help them process their reactions, fears, and concerns. Children need space, time, and language to understand the changes that are taking place and that will take place in the future. If you have multiple kids of different ages, it is important to use words and phrases that are age appropriate for each of them. When communicating as a family, a good rule of thumb is to engage in conversation on a level so that the youngest child can understand, Have separate conversations with the older children and invite each child to have an individual conversation through the weeks and months ahead. In those conversations mentioned above, share what is happening, why it is happening, and what is most likely to happen if that is known. Be specific with names and diagnosis, but give simple explanations. It is ok if you don't know the answers to their questions or even to your own questions. You can make a list of questions for the next doctor's visit or visit a local library. Librarians are a tremendous resource and they can help you and your child look for age-appropriate materials, videos, and references. Additionally, many hospitals now include a family resource center or a patient medical resource center. Ask your doctor or nurse if your facility has one. Don't be afraid to mention the word death; it is not giving up on hope but a recognition that we are all mortal beings. If we are alive, our death will be inevitable at some point. Being able to talk about death, whether it be about our own, someone else's death, or the death of an animal, can actually provide a very deep and lasting connection between family members. In mentioning hope, it is good to be reminded that hope can and will be redefined over and over and over again. Hope may go from wanting to live long enough to you see your children's children to hoping that your children will grow up to be an emotionally healthy and capable adult having being taught by your role modeling. It is also helpful to be reminded that our stories don't end when we die, they continue in the lives of our loved ones...including our children. The illness and perhaps death of this family member will be part of that story, but it won't be the final chapter.The current story that is being created is being "authored" not just by the illness, but by you, your family, and the people in your life. There is an opportunity for the story to be written in a way that can be beneficial for each person involved. Families will need to determine what that specifically looks like but generally, it looks like each person feeling informed, connected, valued, and able to express themselves. Many children and teens have vocalized the need to have a tangible connection to their sick family member throughout their lives. Some have asked for a memory box where they can put pictures, clothing, and other personal items. Others have wished for letters, videos, or tidbits of advice they can access as they get older. One family collected stories of the person who was ill so that their children can learn about who their father was from others. Another family had children videotape and interview the person who was ill, so in the future, they can be reminded of their interactions. Children with a sick family member often exhibit a lot of energy and in need of a lot of attention…and paired with a home that typically needs quiet 24/7 and focuses on the person who is ill, can often leave children feeling isolated and their energy stifled. Help identify positive ways to daily release that energy...running, sports, martial arts, gardening, dancing, etc… Neighbors, friends, and extended family members can be a great resource to help keep children active when a primary caregiver's attention or energy is needed elsewhere. No one likes to feel helpless, including children and teens. Many will want to be able to care for the person who is ill, including young children. Exploring ways that can demonstrate they care, can be really helpful it helping ensure that each person feels valued. Contributions can be as simple as the drawing of a picture to hang in the person's room, to getting water, reading a book, or massage lotion onto the person's skin. For friends and family, it may be hard for families with a person who is ill to ask for help, but getting through all the challenges of a serious illness without any support is unlikely. The illness takes away many choices families have, so for those who want to help, offering to help with a menu of possible activities, rather than offering advice, or just do

Jana talks with Rebecca Hobbs-Lawrence, a staff member at The Dougy Center, about ways to support children who experience the death of a brother or sister. The loss of a child shatters assumptions parents hold regarding their role as protector and their beliefs about the natural order of children outliving their parents. A child's death can cause tremendous upheaval in families as a parent's overwhelming grief pulls them away from their surviving children, often leaving siblings alone to deal with their own grief. Children and teen siblings grieve a unique relationship, one of friend and foe, a companion that will travel alongside in life's adventures. After a sibling death, children and teens may question their own importance, wondering, "Am I not enough?" Suggestions for supporting a grieving sibling: Grieve together as a family, allowing space for the individual expression of grief. Celebrate together, choosing important days and rituals of remembrance. Talk with each other about anything and everything. Be together. It's easy for parents or kids to isolate from each other. Try to find things to do together. Seek out support. For additional suggestions, check out our Tip Sheet about siblings.

Jana talks with Erin Shuster about the death of her brother from suicide. A former young adult group participant and volunteer, Erin talks openly about the unique aspects of grief when someone dies of suicide and how she learned to identify her needs and advocate for herself. For information about our groups for young adults, visit: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/help-for-young-adults/ Know a child who is grieving? The Dougy Center Workbook: After a Suicide Death: an Activity Book for Grieving Kids is designed for those ages 5-12. Other great resources for suicide grief support: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: www.afsp.org Suicide Bereavement Support NW: www.sbsnw.org

Jana and Joan Schweizer Hoff talk about navigating Father's Day while grieving. Joan, a long-time staff member at The Dougy Center, shares both personal and professional experiences in constructing new ways to approach the holiday. Whether you're grieving the loss of a father, or parenting a child who is, some of these suggestions may be helpful: Know that for many, the lead up is the worst part. If you are supporting a grieving child, talk with them ahead of time about what they would like to do or not do. Let children know that it's okay to still want to celebrate and it's okay to not want to celebrate. Don't force a child to pick another adult to honor, unless that's something they want to do. If you are a grieving parent, consider whether and how you want to engage with the holiday - perhaps you recreate a tradition you shared with your child or do something new for yourself. Come up with a plan - even if that plan is to do nothing. If you do want to do something, consider doing something that connects you with who the person was and what they meant to you. Consider a social media fast for the day - or - plan what you want to post. Identify others in your life who feel fatherly - and - it's okay if you don't feel this way towards anyone. Don't pressure yourself to put someone in that role if it feels inconsiderate, impossible, or dishonoring of your father. Plan something for yourself - hike, brunch with friends, a trip out of town. …. decide what environment you want to be in, knowing that you are likely to run into dads and families. Get together with others who are grieving. Focus on a category - say food, movies, activities, color, or music - choose a few from one or all the categories that your dad or child loved. If you don't know, and many people don't, go with your best guess or pick the ones you love. Volunteer - doing for others can often take us out of our own experience and create a sense of contribution, belonging, and connection.

Jana and Donna Schuurman discuss terms to avoid, and what to say instead, when talking about suicide. Here is a link to download our Tip Sheet on how to support children and teens who have had someone die of suicide. Terms not to use (and why): 1. "Committed Suicide" Committed suicide,' with its implications of criminality, is a carryover from the Middle Ages, when civil authorities, finding the victim beyond their reach, punished the survivors by confiscating their property. Victims were forbidden traditional funerals and burials, and suicide was considered both illegal and sinful by the laws and religions of the time. 2. "Completed Suicide" or "Successful Suicide" These terms make it seem like something to celebrate: He completed this! She was successful! 3. "Suicided" We don't say someone "cancered" or "car accident-ed"... 4. Using "suicide" as a noun (as in "he was a suicide") This reduces the person to the mode of their death. Better terms: 1. Died by Suicide The Compassionate Friends was the first to officially adopt the terms 'died by suicide' or 'died of suicide. ' 2. Died of Suicide Here's a general Rule of Thumb: If you can't substitute the word "Cancer," you may want to reconsider how you're using the word "suicide." He died of cancer: He died of suicide. 3. State how the person died (jumped off a bridge; took an overdose); of course, this is the personal preference of family members, something not all will choose to do) 4. "Suicide Death" Advocated by the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. (Some find it repetitive in that suicide IS by definition a death. (Whereas, for example "cancer" by definition does not always mean a death.)

Jana talks with Jenna, a participant in The Dougy Center's group for young adults, about the experience of losing her mom when she was a child and then her father, just before the start of her senior year at college. For information about our groups for young adults, visit: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/help-for-young-adults/ Other great resources for young adults who are grieving: Websites www.modernloss.com www.whatsyourgrief.com Books Wild, by Cheryl Strayed A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, by Dave Eggers The Long Goodbye, by Meghan O'Rourke

Tips for grieving through Mother's Day Whether you want to acknowledge the day or want to ignore it, know that the lead up, for many people, is the worst part. It can help to make a plan for the days leading up to Mother's Day. If you are supporting a grieving child, talk with them and their teacher ahead of time about possible activities at school. Work with the teacher and the child to come up with alternatives and options. Let children know they can still celebrate Mother's Day - and that it's okay if they don't want to. Don't force children to pick another adult to honor, unless it's something they want to do. Know that there will be an inundation of advertisements in many places. If needed, come up with some strategies to navigate shopping and social media. Consider a social media fast for the day - or - plan what you want to post. Maybe choose a favorite picture and think ahead about what you want to write. Identify other women in your life you would like to celebrate- and - it's okay if you don't want to. Don't pressure yourself to put someone in that role if it feels inconsiderate, impossible, or dishonoring of your mom. Plan something for yourself - massage, hike, brunch with friends, etc. Decide what environment you want to be in, knowing that you are likely to run into moms and families. Get together with or reach out to others who are grieving the loss of their mom. Focus on a category - say food, movies, activities, color, or music - choose a few from one or all the categories that your mom loved. Plan part or all of the day to do something with those elements. Maybe it's eating a favorite meal while watching a loved movie and wearing their favorite color. This is a great one to include children. Volunteer - doing for others can often take us out of our own experience and create a sense of contribution, belonging, and connection.

After a death, it's not unusual for children to have an increased sense of fear and anxiety. (It's not unusual in adults, either.) When bad or sad things happen, it's natural to be afraid more bad things will happen. The questions and concerns are normal: How will we live without the person who died? Who will take care of me? Will someone else die? Where do people go after they die? Will I die too? There's PDF tip sheet included with the podcast. The tipsheet can also be found here: http://www.dougy.org/docs/TDC_Fears_Tip_Sheet_10_14.pdf

Losing and finding yourself in grief. Brendon and Jana delve into the many layers of loss that we grapple with when someone dies and how that loss can change us. When we grieve, we miss the person and who they were in our lives. We miss who we were with them. Often we miss who we were in general before the death. As we think towards the future, we grieve for the events and occasions that we won't share with the person. Over time, people in grief may start to see themselves differently. What they value, prioritize, and want in life can change radically. These changes occur on many levels: Spiritual shifts Difficulty remembering/accomplishing small tasks. Want to be social/difficult to be around people More compassionate/less able to tolerate everyday drama Put more time and energy into relationships Less concerned with work and material success/more immersed in work Can't seem to exercise/exercise all the time – need it Increased interest in movies/books/songs about grief – vs. can't tolerate them at all As you sort through what is different, it can be helpful sit with a series of questions: How do you see yourself now? How do you see the world? Which of these changes do you value? What strengths have you discovered? Where are the places in your life that you need additional support? What parts of yourself do you miss and want to re-cultivate? Here is a related article on The Dougy Center web site.

Seasons change, but what about my grief? There can be a lot of emphasis on special occasions – anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc. when it comes to events that influence grief. Seasons and other markers of time can exert a similar effect, but can be confusing for those who are grieving – and those who support them. With an anniversary or a birthday, there's a specific day to connect with an uptick in distress, but with a season, it can be harder to pinpoint. In this episode we talk about seasonal influences on grief and things to think about when navigating those changes. We highlight the approach of spring and how it can be particularly challenging time for those who are grieving. We also share ideas for ways to cope with the shift of seasons. If you are grieving, it can be helpful to think through: What are the associations you have with this season and the person who died? What role did the person who died play in your life during this season? What traditions do you want to keep? What new ones do you want to make? If you are in a support role, be aware of the events in each season that can be challenging for those who are grieving. Spring – In the frenzy of excitement and high energy enthusiasm, grieving people can feel left behind, not wanting to bring other people down. Being surrounded by the growth and change in the natural world can intensify a longing for grief to change. On the other hand, the march of time can be difficult as grievers worry they are leaving the person or their memory behind. Season of school graduations. Summer – Time of outdoor activities and family vacations. With children out of school it can be a stressful time for solo parents and children too. Tends to be the season of weddings. Fall – Darkening days, Halloween and all the imagery of death and ghosts. The sounds and smells of the end of something. Thanksgiving. Winter – Winter holidays emphasis on family. Hunkering down in the weather can make it difficult to connect with others. Here in Portland, there can be solidarity in complaining about the weather and the ill effects of never seeing the sun. What helps? Sometimes just knowing this is a common experience can bring relief. If you know someone who is grieving, ask them how the change of seasons is for them. Remember to avoid platitudes meant to reassure. If you're caring for a grieving child or teen, open up a conversation about seasonal memories. Are there events or trips or other special parts of the season that your child is worried about missing or wants to skip? Look over your calendar, take note of any dates associated with particular memories, and make a plan for what you want to do during the lead up or actual day/week. Often our bodies remember before our brains catch up, so can help decrease confusion by making it visible. Connect with others who are grieving, solace in community. For kids/teens, the I Remember poem can be a good activity. Kids get to think of a memory or memories they have of the person in each season. In the summer I remember… In the fall I remember… In the winter I remember… In the Spring I remember… Think of what you enjoyed in the past, or what you would like to explore that connects to each season. Gardening, hiking trip, book club, class…etc. Love music? Create a playlist for the approaching season. Can be something to turn to in times when you feel lost/untethered. Take advantage of the thaw to move – not your house (unless that's what is happening). Move your body. Can be anything from a quick walk, to biking, to running to playing Frisbee in the park. Physical exercise is vital to taking care of your mental, emotional, and physical self.

"The language we use to describe events not only reflects our own attitudes but influences those attitudes as well as the attitudes of others." --Sommer-Rotenberg, D. Donna Schuurman, Senior Director of Advocacy and Training at The Dougy Center discusses some of the difficulties of language and stigma surrounding deaths by suicide.