Get Off My Lawn Podcast w/ Gavin McInnes

This ep is all farts all the time as I delve into how bad flatulence can effect how your wife feels about you. Being Scottish and also a severe alcoholic means I have a weak stomach that is constantly being abused. That leads to toots that are so severe, I've often had people in public assume there was some kind of chemical spill (not in Glasgow, of course, they know what time it is there because they have the same problems). I make a few small tangents about not being vulnerable around your significant other but this ep is almost fanatical in it's dedication to fart talk. Actually, if it was a talk show it would be called Fart Talk with Gavin McInnes.

After a weekend of rioting, I focus on one particular punch that summarizes the problem with millennial arrogance. Why would you pick a fight with someone who could clearly kick your ass? Because he's a Nazi? I don't get that. First of all, he isn't. Secondly, if he was, aren't you scared of him? I used to fight Nazi skinheads in the late 80s and I was petrified of every confrontation. They were very scary dudes and they kicked the crap out of us on a regular basis. This somehow segues into the number of women in action movies and how distracting it is to see a super model murder a gang of thieves who rob banks during hurricanes.

In this Special Edition of GOML, we dish all the latest celebrity gossip on Milo, Justin Theroux, and Will Ferrell. I also get into this right VS. left civil war and how likely the left is to be crushed by the gun-owning, super grumpy, right wing brawlers they keep picking fights with.

I start out talking about this new trend of yelling at Trump supporters for no other reason than you're a mental patient. I went through it recently at a baseball game and it's not scary or shocking. It's just weird. Like when a homeless person zeroes in on you for some crazy reason. Then, I get into people picking fights with someone they couldn't possibly take. Most of us learned not to do this at an early age but today's youngsters want to throw down with people who would happily eat them for breakfast. Finally, I start talking about dealbreakers men have when it comes to women's beauty. Outside of morbid obesity, there is one doozy we just cannot bend on. See if you can guess what it is (no it's not a penis, you weirdo).

This was supposed to be about how weird it is to be gay but I went off on a tangent about some jerk who peed all over the toilet seat in Montreal and I sat on it. How are we, in a modern Western society, having to wash stranger's pee off our butt cheeks and legs?

I start out getting mad at Tina Fey for pooping on America using the cute humor that came from having an awesome midwestern childhood with conservative parents. This leads to chastising all baby boomers for basically doing the same thing. Then, I take a 90 degree turn and devote the rest of the show to this weird mod kid I knew named Matt who kidnapped his girlfriend and went to prison for a long time. Back when we were roaming the streets of New York City, we broke into a Tofu factory and discovered dozens of illegal aliens being kept as slaves.

Like you, I grew up assuming all jocks were date rapers and all beta-male, feminist ally, stand-up comedians were good people with a heart of gold. Turns out, the opposite is true. It appears nerds such as Chris Hardwick are the ones abusing women while the alpha male jokes are washing the barf off of drunk girls and carefully tucking them in. At the end, we discuss SaveTommy.com and how important it is to pitch in.

Most of this podcast is about the NY Mag article that just came out entitled, "A Company Built on a Bluff." New Vice and old Vice are obviously denoted by me leaving in 2008 and it certainly wasn't a bluff back then. I don't know much about them post 2008 but I'm assuming that when the sales guy takes over the editorial, the content is going to get a lot more advertorial.

I start out railing against schools and teachers and how totally incompetent they all are. New York City schools are way worse than you could possibly imagine. It's basically one big Animal House (but less funny). Then we get deep into the Nazi myth and how insane you'd have to be to honestly think white supremacy is a real thing and a threat to American society. It's no less nuts than Bigfoot chasing.

It's back to adolescence for today's podcast where I go over all the times I almost died in the 80s. It's the same for everyone right? Didn't we all almost drown that one time or we were standing too close to the edge of a building before a perceptive friend grabbed us and pulled us back to safety. I guess the ones who did fall off aren't hear to read this. Being a teenager is real and it's fun but it's not real fun to constantly be kicking the grim reaper in the nuts and asking, "So, what are you going to do about it, wimp?" Thank God we all made it.

Today's episode is mostly about having kids and how they go from being cute guys who say crazy things to thinking you're an idiot. Having them hang out with kids who have nannies doesn't help. I worry that it teaches a culture where adults are your servants. I wonder how the children of these nannies feel about their mom being away. Anyway, this heavy subject matter is peppered with stories about drawing on someone's face when they're passed out.

Today I talk about two friends of mine who are in big trouble. I don't know Roseanne very well but we've spoken a few times and she's never come across as racist - more just obsessed with Israel and the safety of Jewish people. That being said, she should have known the left was waiting to devour any mistake she made and she should have known using the term ape anywhere near a black person was going to explode minds. I know Tommy very well and his case is completely different. The British government is abusing their power and jailing him for a year for simply approaching a group of Muslim pedophiles and saying, "All right, lads. How you feeling about your verdict?"

On today's Memorial Day podcast we discuss what it's like to date a woman with spaghetti legs.

To switch things up, I tried recording this podcast in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep. It's about being stoned and how hallucinogenic drugs can help expand your mind - permanently. I haven't done LSD in about 30 years but whenever I have the hiccups I just concentrate and say, "I don't want these anymore" and they go away. This is because of acid. Steve Jobs agrees. Well, "agreed."

This rambling hodgepodge of a show was meant to be an involved look at how we grow as adolescents but it quickly degenerated into me punching a boom box in frustration while trying to play tapes of my old bands.

I am on my phone almost as much as you are and we need to stop. It's preventing us from having deep thoughts and it's removing us from ourselves. This is making us weaker when we meet new people. Not to sound too LA but when you've worked on yourself, you're more comfortable around people. Like America, if people don't like you, they can leave. You have to like you first and that begins with getting away from your damn phone (I typed this on my phone BTW).

You ever notice that when a newspaper writes about your hometown or something you know a lot about, they get everything wrong? That's true of all media. It's also true of the entire justice system. All my friends are being threatened with jail time for crimes they didn't commit but we are not going to let that happen.

I've lost almost a pound a day with a new diet I invented called "Beer Starvation." All you do is grab a beer and nurse it every time you're starving. The only time you can eat is at dinner. That's it. The end result is a smaller stomach which means, when you finally do eat, you only need a few bites. All this fancy exercise and paleo this and gluten that is just lazy people trying to cheat the basic truth that all you have to do to lose weight is burn more calories than you take in.

I wish I could tell you about my wife and kids more, but crazy people make it a dangerous thing to do. In this ep I talk generally about marriage and what it's like to have little kids. It's fun but you need to watch out for the alphas. They are the enemies within and will literally kick you out of bed.

In this pornographic NSFW podcast, I get into the different types of tits and why my friend got AIDS. There's also the time in high school the uncircumcised guys would fight the circumcised guys by wedgie-ing them to death. The moral of all these stories is men appreciate women a lot more than women seem prepared to admit. Basically, we'd sleep with any woman who hasn't appeared on "My 600-lb life."

This one is all about evolution. Basically, life is just a magic goo that started out billions of years ago and was meant to be you and me but ended up on all kinds of stuff. Water bears and hammerhead sharks are losers. We won. Also, it's possible we lived under water for a long time. There's even a tribe called the Badjao who are doing it right now!

We start out attacking my neighbors for picking up twigs on earth day. Apparently sticks are bad for the environment and buying tons of plastic bags to pick them up is good for mother earth. Then, I talk about my weekend which included hanging out with cops and riding a boat around Manhattan. There were two major fights and Milo Yiannopoulos got chased out of a restaurant but otherwise it was a pretty fun weekend.

I start out crapping on doggie doo doo bags and how much I hate that they're perfumed. This starts a whole rant about all the things I hate including flip-flops, fake boobs, baby boomers' ring tones, the beeping sound trucks make when they go in reverse, helmets on ski slopes, and the way restaurants give everyone a gigantic glass of water before anyone orders anything. I thought the common thread for all of these would be deception but self-indulgence and cowardice are also big contenders. When I become dictator, all of this will be abolished.

I start out with a pretty reasonable idea: liberal arts colleges are a complete waste of time and you should only go to college if you're going to take STEM. However, soon after, I get radical and suggest that grade school should be about 80% recess with only a few, curious students doing any real studying. Sure, they should learn to read and write but the rest should be up to the few who really want to learn. Oh, and kids should also have random jobs like building license plates. This new structure would leave a society with only about 5% getting higher education. Good. Now we have way less student debt and way more tradesmen. Insisting everyone is smart is stupid.

In this sizzling hot episode, I gossip about my eight years at Fox News and dish all the gossip while naming names. The short version is that it's a great place to work with very moral people but their hiring practices are a little too PC for a straight, white male like myself. The long version is, well, the long version is this podcast.

While it's fun to sow your wild oats, I want to make the case for moving on here. Young people, partying and getting STDs is fun for like, a decade, but it gets old around 25. Try moving on to the next chapter. Feminism and porn is making both of you think there's no point to life but take it from someone who crossed over to the other side, there is another world out here. Also, married people, can we stop treating divorce like it's a casual trip to the dentist. It's a brutal procedure that destroys kids lives (the same kids I was just trying to sell marriage to). Traditionalism may be uncool but ignoring its merit gets sadder and sadder as you get old.

Although this episode is primarily focussed on comedy and the First Amendment, we get political and examine the difference between how censorship affects the right and the left. I believe non-liberals get it far worse, especially the moderate New Right because we're appealing to young people and therefore considered a more dangerous threat than the Far Right.

This one's all about the early aughts in New York City and hanging out at gay bars with my friend Trevor. You'd be surprised how easy it is to meet chicks in that environment but New York is still a violent place and fist fights are just a normal part of going out.

Wherein I focus exclusively on all the hustles, scams, and cheats I have perpetuated over the years. We accompany each tale with a morality rating and I usually come out looking pretty bad.

I go over half a dozen fights I had as a young man and use them to prove that violence is just. Being bullied as just as important as bullying because they teach you the inevitable truth that we live in a kill or be killed society. This helps you in business and just about every other interaction you have. You're not a man until you've had the crap beaten out of you, beaten the crap out of someone, had your heart broken, and broken a heart. This ep focusses on the first two.

I start out getting to some unturned stones from the previous heroin episode and then focus on the gays. We talk about the myth of trans, the lack of homosexuals in the suburbs, and the absurd notion that people in big cities are homophobic. I also wonder aloud if gay suicide is some kind of subconscious recognition they're weird. They're not evil or an abomination or anything Fred Phelps-y but like a vegetarian lion or an albino, they are unusual and that's got to chip away at you over time.

On today's heroin special we look back at all my friends who OD'd and how that relates to the modern opioid epidemic. Turns out heroin ain't all it's cracked up to be.

In this issue I try to sell you on the idea of having children because I use to be like you and my only regret is that I waited so long to have a family. Within this pitch, I also get into marriage tips like, "It's OK to have a bad year" and parenting tips such as, "You can be friends with them when they're young or friends with them when you're old. You can't have both."

Wherein the host, me, argues that we used to be much less humorless 20-30 years ago. Xenophobia was considered amusing and it was simply a given that the West is the best. To prove this, I go over some examples of anti-PC comedy from the 70s (PJ O'Rourke's National Lampoon essay "Foreigners Around the World") and use it to not only prove that xenophobia can be amusing but also that the West is inarguably superior to everywhere else in the world.

This episode was meant to be a look at the socially liberal, libertarian views of Matt Stone and Trey Parker but it quickly veers into nothing but unsubstantiated gossip about the two comedy legends.

Being a man isn't about lifting 350lbs and knowing how to replace a carburetor. It's about not being a self-hating pussy who can't wait to show his weaknesses to the world. If you can't be the man we all wish you could be, fake it.

Having fun in high school has nothing to do with where you are or how much money you have. It has to do with how much culture you can invent. Come up with stupid rules and enforce them with vigilance. Get in trouble. Make mistakes. If you can't be a human disaster when you're a teenager, when can you be? This episode focusses on my high school years at the Earl of March in Kanata and all mind-blowing idiocy we used to get up to.

When you're "cool" in high school it's like being king of the world. When you're that same guy well into adulthood, it's downright sad. This episode uses my friend Artie as the perfect example of when cool jumps the shark. Time to grow up, Arthur.

I stole this concept from Chadwick Moore. If you're white, pretend you're black for a day and see how many things could be construed as racist. If you're black, pretend you're white and see how many things could be explained away as just life in the big city. This can be extrapolated to gay (as Chadwick did), female, trans, fat, and any other group that claims victim status. It's very possible the person out to get you is you.

As an incredibly funny person, I like to riff with strangers. Over the years, I've realized about 5% of the population can riff back. 30% of people enjoy humor and then there's the 70% who are wondering why you're saying a thing that isn't true. Within the entire 95% of non-riffers there is this bizarre contingent of people who try to joke around by using random words that make absolutely no sense in a comedic context. I've written some of these down and would like to share them with you.

Outside of making a ton of cash in media, I've also done well in advertising, real estate, and the stock market. I still work, however, because I like it and ironically, that's how you get rich. You work hard. The other details are less obvious and include: be humble (you can be replaced), get it in writing, know your worth. This episode examines all of these helpful tips and why they work.

Today, I talk about that awkward age for boys when girls go from having cooties to being goddesses. It's fun reliving all these various stages with my own kids but I'm constantly amazed how much of parenting today is about keeping them away from screens. My dad had no money and his childhood sounded like heaven. My kids have all they need and I'm constantly trying to drag them back to - if not my dad's era - the 1970s so they can experience some danger and excitement.

Atheists, you can believe in God, too. Just call it "nature." This episode proves God exists and makes the case for a supreme being who pushed the first domino 14 billion years ago and has not sweat the small stuff since.

To whine about gentrification and call it genocide is to be a giant cry baby that turns crime and degradation into some kind of sacred culture that must be preserved. That being said, living with yuppies is extremely irritating. They are spoiled brats who would rather watch a black handicapped woman die, than be seen as racist.

Outside of murder, mental illness, and drug addiction, family is forever. Friends however, renew their contract about once a year which is usually how often you have a really big fight. I just said a permanent goodbye to my pal of 35 years, Steve. You will do the same with your closest friends. Sometimes you cancel your friend plan after the first year. Sometimes you renew the contract for decades. It will eventually end, especially if one of you has a family and the other doesn't. If it's permanence you're looking for (and you are) start a family.

He was in his late 60s but he died in the closet last week and it breaks my heart. He was a great man who had a rough life and the idea of never openly being yourself just sounds like infinite torture to me. Poor bastard. May he rest in peace.

Very excited to have dead Prime Minister Winston Churchill guest host this week's podcast. He's been awoken from the slumber of death by all this recent Hollywood attention but it's not making the egomaniac more proud. It's actually making him doubt his legacy. Churchill goes back to the Boer War of 1900 to re-examine his life and consider the possibility that he wasn't, in fact, a hero who saved millions of lives. He may have been the opposite.

Though "A Night For Freedom" and the insanity that surrounded it was covered in great detail on Monday's "Get Off My Lawn," I wanted a freebie for the masses so everyone could see how completely unhinged the Alt-Left have become. To have basically the same beliefs as your dad is considered "Alt-Left" in 2018 and we all need to die, especially if we dare congregate in private to hear each other speak. We have officially entered the realm of the unwell.

This isn't going to happen again but this episode is just about my week. It gets its own show because it involved: knife fights, spies, cocaine, heroin, prison, guns, Anthony Cumia, James O'Keefe, Milo Yiannopoulos, Ann Coulter, Artie Lang, Stefan Molyneaux, Mike Cernovich, antifa, Proud Boys, and police. It's been the most insane time of my life and the week isn't even over yet.

One of the great things about old as hell is you've seen a lot of people change over the years. A good 94% of them stay the same but 5% go on to be wildly successful and then 1% completely lose their minds. The takeaway here is not trying to change these stats but just give thanks that we didn't get sucked into that tiny vortex of total insanity.