Earwash

After a month-long manhunt and an unplanned four-week hiatus, this episode finally contains the answers you seek - as long as those answers pertain to what on earth happened to Jonathan Crepuscular on his Valentine's Day date and why he went missing for over a month. As for why this podcast went missing for a month, though... Well, that's for me to know and you to continue to ponder.

In a lo-fi episode (which is a polite way of saying 'poor sound quality'), Douglas explains his unexplained five week absence, and makes a shocking discovery worthy of Alfred Hitchcock (which is a fancy way of saying he saw something weird out of his rear window)

In a creative slump, Douglas consults the most productive creative person he knows for inspiration, learning a delightful new game in the process. Please feel free to play it too, and discover a whle new world of genital euphemisms

In a natant ninety-fifth episode, let us expand our vocabulary with some interesting and (for once) non-obscene things that Douglas has written in his notebook. They all come from the time when he was reading The Lord of the Rings, so are probably of minimal use to you in your every day life, but who knows, perhaps the world would be a better place if more people knew more medieval words. Only one way to find out - listen and absorb...

In a noological ninety-fourth episode, we are joined by omni-critic Horace Perrault to gaze into the darkness that lies beneath a seemingly cute Nintendo game. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a cute plant creature being thrown into a human face - forever.

A delve into Emergency Questions with American Jennifer Cash leads to some utterly astonishing revelations. Listen in astonishment to a tale of blood, dry skin and The Brethren of the Independent Orthodox Trinitarian Restorationist Babtist Disestablishmentarian Church of the Latter-Day Saints and Sixth Day Advent of Christ the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit of America (Midwest Chapter).

Douglas may not be an expert on immigration law, but he is something much better than that: a podcast host, which in today's world makes him an authority on everything whose opinion must be taken seriously, second only to billionaires in terms of weight and importance of his opinions, no matter how tenuous their connection to reality is. Therefore, in this week's episode you will discover some surprising truth about how Australia's immigration system works, and some even more surprising truths about a particular politician (who is really a very nice man and not all all litigious and nothing in this episode is true and it's all a big joke and please don't sue us😓)

Happy Newt Year! That's not a typo, 2025 is the Year of the Newt in the special Earwash zodiac that i have just invented. As is traditional for the first episode of the year (if doing something for two years in a row is sufficient for something to become a tradition), this New Year and Newt Year episode is excerpts of eccentricity from Douglas's notebook. Listen to it now, and get your Newt Year off to a wrigglingly good start!

In the final Earwash of 2024 we check in with the regulars about how their New Year Resolutions for 2024 worked out. Who has achieved them? Who has failed to achieve them? Who didn't bother because he considers such petty matters as the Gregorian calendar beneath him? Listen and find out...

In this week's episode (not that weeks have any meaning any more; time is an illusion as far as Earwash release schedules are concerned), Douglas finds out the unpalatable truth behind the sudden appearance of many dead insects around his home. Is it anything to do with the adorable four-legged friend who sleeps on the end of his bed? Listen and find out, although the fact that that rhetorical question was posed at all implies that it is something to do with the cat. But please listen anyway.

Just when you thought 2024 had no more unexpected surprises to give, another one falls out of this year's Chirstmas stocking - an unexpected and largely uncalled-for Christmas album from Jonathan Crepuscular. Have as merry a Christmas as is possible in the circumstances.

In an episode much delayed due to the guest's unexpected admission to hospital, we hear from Jonathan Crepuscular about his one-man stand against toxic masculinity and unique response to the troubling social tend of 'No Nut November'. Please do not try it at home. Or in public, you'll get arrested.

It's time once again for our semi-regular dip into the obscene stream of consciousness that is Douglas's notebook. Marvel at such concepts as a door-to-door door salesman, secret nostrils and cheese magic, and wonder how Douglas came to write them down. Douglas wonders too...

In an incendiary eighty-fifth episode, omni-critic Horace Perrault joins us in our high-tech temporary recording studio/pillow fort in Shepparton to bring his unique brand of critique to a seemingly innocuous toiletry item. Please do not try to make your own post-modern statement of critical analysis through the medium of fire - Mr Perrault is a highly trained professional and knows what he is doing (probably).

In a (slightly late) International Men's Day episode, Douglas speaks to country music star Bruce Plank about how to be a good bloke. How do reforesting Tasmania, koala cuddles and exploding eagles relate to positive masculinity? Listen and find out.

In a month already full of unexpected election results, this week's Earwash brings you another - the outcome of the Footscray (or should that be Foots Cray?) school board election. I'm going to go out on a limb and say the unexpected result will cause as many controversial outcomes as other, more highly publicised recent elections.

As the news this week is likely to have caused considerable stress and tension, this week Earwash presents a soothing audio balm of Douglas's notebook nonsense. Pour yourself a glass of human juice, find somewhere confortable to lie down, press play on this episode, and let your sphincters unclench. All your sphincters.

Just when you thought the American elections couldn't throw up any more weirdness, out comes this week's episode of Earwash, contains an excerpt from eroticist Jonathan Crepuscular's new novel, Trumpy Pumpy. In an election season that's been full of outrageous soundbites, I can guarantee that there's some new and outrageous ones in this episode

What to say about this episode? "Enjoy" seems too much, "I'm sorry" not enough. So, something between the two is what i want to say about this episode, which contains the distilled essence of my notebook.

By way of apology for the recent disruptions to the release schedule, Earwash presents a soothing ear balm of turning pages, the clink of glasses and the sound of a ukelele impeding progress. Earwash will not, however, be apologising to anyone who feels that this is an inadequate apology for the disrupted release schedule.

This week, country singer Bruce Plank drops by to tell us about his travels and collect the dog with no name. Some listeners have reported hearing a strange whistling noise every time the phrase "the dog with no name" is spoken; I can guarantee that there is no such sound in this episode, and anyone who can hear it should get themselves checked for tinnitus.

I'd like to say Douglas has a good excuse for the late release of this episode, but he does not - He did however have a delightful weekend. But I digress. This week we dip into the contents of Douglas's notebooks, which feature a preponderance of lesbians, centipedes and semen. So, business as usual.

In an episode guaranteed to banish all thoughts of sleep, Douglas reveals the new alarm tone he has developed to overcome the shortcomings of the iphone alarm tones

In an episode delayed due to unforseen feline-related incidents, we are joined by eroticist Jonathan Crepuscular, who has found inspiration in sport

In this semi-auspicious episode, a semi-auspicious treat awaits: I asked the listeners of Earwash to provide nuggets of strangeness worthy of my notebook, and nuggets of the purest strangeness were provided. Plus a bonus song from Erin, the chief miner of madness.

An ambiguous sign has thrown an insomnia-stricken Douglas into a quandary about what can be considered temporary, whether the Marvel Cinematic Universe will outlast the physical Universe, and how the temporary/permanent dichotomy will affect his chances of getting a parking space at the station.

This week we delve behind the scenes of a surprisingly sensual ad for an airline, with someone with an intimate knowledge of its conception

Country musician Bruce Plank joins us to tell us about how his travels have gone. If you take only one thing away from this episode, it is that you should always ensure your travel agent is able to clearly hear you.

After a month of the high drama of insect sport, it seems a good idea to use this week's episode to unwind with the assorted oddments from one of Douglas's notebooks. If you enjoy these oddments and have some of your own that you'd like to contribute, please ad them in the comments!

In an unexpected midweek episode, American expat Jennifer Cash explains her absence from our Insect Games coverage and reveals a conspiracy theory about the Olympic Games that I can guarantee you have never heard before

Who else could we have on episode 69 than eroticist Jonathan Crepuscular? Fresh from the opening night of his new musical, Jonathan tells us how he has overcome the struggles he faced in staging his bold re-imagining of 'Cats', his unorthodox methods of gaining publicity, and reveals which US political figure he is planning to write a musical about. Plus three grandiose genital euphemisms.

Earwash's coverage of the 2024 Insect Games concludes today with an interview with the Australian Insect Games team's unofficial mascot and bringer of good vibes, the Earwig. Acting on legal advice, Earwash wishes to make it clear that this podcast is NOT in any way seeking to suggest, imply or otherwise convey that the Earwig has been involved in an elaborate plot to kill insect athletes, take their medals and melt those medals down for use in his sinister plots, and anyone who says that is the case is lying and is likely to wake up with an angry Earwig using its pincers on a delicate part of their anatomy. Okay?

In today's episode Douglas and French omni-critic Horace Perrault discuss the memorable moments of the 2024 Insect Games, including a centipede called Legless Carl Thresher, ironic snail deaths and the Anteater Incident

Mantis madness at Mortein Staduium where Morocco's Munira and Muntaz Mantis make moves for gold against Melbourne's own Mandy and Mary Mantis, in a memorable match involving microcephalic male Maltese mantises, Mecca and mayhem