Earwash

This week Kevin the Centipede has scuttled in to tell us why he is saying Nup to the Centipede Cup

We bid farewell to Notebook Month by welcoming back Douglas's voice and listening to the collated nonsense from one of Douglas's notebooks. Contains attempts at singing, quasi-poetry, and coded messages that are probably intended for horses

In the penultimate episode of Notebook Month, we present for your delectation a sort of audio fortune cookie, containing gnomic wisdom of obscure words

Today is the midpoint of what has been arbitrarily declared Notebook Month, and the pinnacle of this esteemed and august month (not to be confused with the esteemed month of August) is a bout of nonsense from one of Douglas's notebooks. Does it cure laryngitis? Well, it couldn't make it any worse, surely?

Due to an unexpected case of laryngitis, we're rejigging the release schedule a little and jumping ahead to November. Here at Earwash we don't do silly things like No Nut November, or Non-Stop Nut November; instead we have No-tebook November, a full month of notebook nonsense. After all, if shops are already selling Christmas decorations, then why can't we do a November-based activity in September and October?

This week we take a brief rest from the rigours of heavy political interviews with some notebook nonsense. Let your weary ears be rejuvenated by such intriguing concepts as the song of the onion men, Tilda Switnton's affable sneer, and echidnas sipping cherry cola.

In part VII of our groundbreaking miniseries exploring the tumultuous first months of Jennifer Cash's term on the Bexley Parish School Board, Jennifer talks about how extracurricular activities have changed under her administration. In this exclusive interview, hear what Jennifer considers to be the only acceptable sport for girls, why chess clubs are forbidden, and what book clubs do when all books are banned

In part 6 (or VI, as only Roman numerals are now permitted) of our groundbreaking miniseries exploring the tumultuous first months of Jennifer Cash's term on the Bexley Parish School Board, Jennifer talks about her changes to the science and art curriculum, which bring in the latest breakthroughs in Christian science, the removal of DEI from math(s), and protect against the unexpected side effects of theatre.

In part 5 of our groundbreaking miniseries exploring the tumultuous first months of Jennifer Cash's term on the Bexley Parish School Board, Jennifer talks about her changes to the humanities curriculum. There is a lot to learn: the rules of anti-woke Scrabble, how to speak a foreign language without speaking a foreign language, and how Christopher Columbus was the first man to circumscribe, circumbobulate and circumcise the world.

This week's episode is a welcome break from the hard-hitting political journalism. Instead, relax in a bath of warm nonsense from Douglas's notebook, with recurring motifs of socks, sandwiches, and what can only be described as a rhapsody of llamas, farmers and bananas.

In part 4 of our groundbreaking miniseries exploring the tumultuous first months of Jennifer Cash's term on the Bexley Parish School Board, Jennifer talks about her first contentious policy decision, and how it led to unexpected geese, Vietnamese complications and the revelation of a child called Ketchup.

In part 3 of our groundbreaking miniseries exploring the tumultuous first months of Jennifer Cash's term on the Bexley Parish School Board, Jennifer talks about the changes she has made to the district's library, including her reason for banning particular books, her views on librarians and her new cost-saving way of heating schools.

In part 2 of our groundbreaking miniseries exploring the tumultuous first months of Jennifer Cash's term on the Bexley Parish School Board, Jennifer talks about abolishing school uniforms, free expression, and what the significance of a boy in a pink shirt is.

In part 1 of our groundbreaking miniseries exploring the tumultuous first months of Jennifer Cash's term on the Bexley Parish School Board, Jennifer talks about taking charge, making change, and how Big Clock tried to put a stop to her agenda.

A delve into Douglas's notebook gives us such unexpected delights as rudimentary side-toes, spider ticklers and carbon neutral witch burnings. There is no connection. There is no context. There is only distilled essence of a messy subconscious mind.

The Earwig is back from his mission of vengeance, and this little insect has a big story to tell.

This week we are joined by omni-critic Horace Perrault, who has experienced some rather unusual symptoms of COVID

In an attempt to counteract the ongoing bleakness of the world, this week's Earwash is excerpts of nonsense from Douglas's notebook. If you squint your ears and turn your head just so, some of it could almost sound profound.

Brought to dire financial need by the cost of unclogging a cat's crystal-ridden bladder, Earwash for the first time contains *shuddder* an advertisement. But what is it an ad for? Why did a sinister man with a sinister accent give Douglas the ad on a cassette tape? And why did this entire transaction take place on the platform at Ringwood station? Onle one of these can be answered - it's an ad for a board game called Scoffton, and it can be found here: https://thequestsuppliers.com.au/products/scoffton# See, capitalism doesn't have to be all bad!

Pop this week's Earwash into your ears. It's a short but juicy podcast bursting with stories of things bursting in strange and upsetting ways, guaranteed to cleanse your ears from the sound of the smell of cat wee

This week Douglas is joined by country musician Bruce Plank for a few drinks and a chat covering such topics as which athletes Bruce would turn into worms, unusual ways to celebrate Pride Month, and the secret ingredients of Bruce's homemade moonshine

In a break from Earwash's usual weirdness and filth, today's episode is almost edifying and educational: a collection of interesting words from Douglas's notebooks, recorded at different times but conjoined into the time and space of a single episode. And if you can think of a word the means 'obscene' that starts with W, please let Douglas know

In an attempt to break into the lucrative and low-cost/effort podcast genre of 'Three White Guys Talking About Nothing', this week you will hear the pilot episode of Douglas's own contribution to the form, provisionally and unfortunately titled 'Male Bondage Time'

The Earwig's been acting oddly for the last few weeks (I know he's always odd, but i mean even odder than usual), so I thought I'd bring him in for a chat. I was not prepared for his tragic tale of how six shapely legs and a trio of cerci led to his downfall. Listen and muse on the fickleness of love and silverfish

Celebrate Earwash's second birthday with a relaxed saunter through the oddities of Douglas's notebook. Definitely doesn't include any surprising details about the personal life of the new Pope

In the aftermath of the 2025 Australian Federal election, eroticist Jonathan Crepuscular joins us to share the artistic outpourings the election has inspired in him. By Jonathan's standards, it's quite wholesome

Eroticist Jonathan Crepuscular joins us today to give a surprisingly nuanced analysis of the number of phalluses on the Bayeaux Tapestry and their significance. Includes an eye-watering alternative way that King Harold may have met his end

We are joined today by Jennifer the American, whose political ambitions have expanded to encompass the spiritual as well as the temporal

It's omni-critic and possessor of an inscrutable pan-European accent Horace Perrault's turn to answer some Emergency Questions. Listen enthralled as the self-described greatest critic the world has ever known turns his incisive mind to the purpose of clowns, the emotional attributes of radiators and why it is better to be cold and dependable than warm and largely unused. It's either the product of a great mind or a great bullshitter - listen and decide which it is...

In this episode we are joined by the Earwig, who has an unconventional solution to the Wellington millipede plague

As the deluge of earwashing this week continues, we delve once more in Douglas's notebook to hear what sort of nonsense he considers noteworthy. This episode's iteration contains running themes of of crabs, worms and Freidrich Nietzsche; in other words, a perfectly normal and unremarkable episode of this perfectly normal and not at all deeply strange podcast.

The Easter Bunny has left a large auditory egg in you podcast feed in the form of this episode of Earwash. In an appropriately Easterly ramble you will learn many things, including how best to hide Easter eggs from yourself for hunting purposes, whether Jesus was a tardigrade, and best practice for home crucifixions. Happy Easter to all, particularly invertebrates and friendly Scotsmen.

It's the Earwig's turn to answer some Emergency Questions, and although it is a strangely sushi-focussed episode, you will hear fascinating insights into how Hugh Grant became a star, what Julia Roberts had surgically removed, and why there is a sinister painting of the Earwig in the roof of my house

The hundredth episode calls for something monumental. Unfortunately, Douglas could not think of anything sufficiently monumental, so he decided not to bother. Instead, you can expect to hear 4 minutes and 13 seconds of wholesome gratitude, which is a major change from what this podcast usually is. Oh well, next episode we'll be back to the usual semi-obscene nonsense...

As we assume the brace position in readiness for whatever madness Douglas has in store to celebrate the hundredth episode of Earwash, we can at least listen to some soothing nonsense from his notebbok, and hope that the 100th episode of Earwash makes more sense than his notebooks do

After a month-long manhunt and an unplanned four-week hiatus, this episode finally contains the answers you seek - as long as those answers pertain to what on earth happened to Jonathan Crepuscular on his Valentine's Day date and why he went missing for over a month. As for why this podcast went missing for a month, though... Well, that's for me to know and you to continue to ponder.

In a lo-fi episode (which is a polite way of saying 'poor sound quality'), Douglas explains his unexplained five week absence, and makes a shocking discovery worthy of Alfred Hitchcock (which is a fancy way of saying he saw something weird out of his rear window)

In a creative slump, Douglas consults the most productive creative person he knows for inspiration, learning a delightful new game in the process. Please feel free to play it too, and discover a whle new world of genital euphemisms

In a natant ninety-fifth episode, let us expand our vocabulary with some interesting and (for once) non-obscene things that Douglas has written in his notebook. They all come from the time when he was reading The Lord of the Rings, so are probably of minimal use to you in your every day life, but who knows, perhaps the world would be a better place if more people knew more medieval words. Only one way to find out - listen and absorb...

In a noological ninety-fourth episode, we are joined by omni-critic Horace Perrault to gaze into the darkness that lies beneath a seemingly cute Nintendo game. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a cute plant creature being thrown into a human face - forever.

A delve into Emergency Questions with American Jennifer Cash leads to some utterly astonishing revelations. Listen in astonishment to a tale of blood, dry skin and The Brethren of the Independent Orthodox Trinitarian Restorationist Babtist Disestablishmentarian Church of the Latter-Day Saints and Sixth Day Advent of Christ the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit of America (Midwest Chapter).

Douglas may not be an expert on immigration law, but he is something much better than that: a podcast host, which in today's world makes him an authority on everything whose opinion must be taken seriously, second only to billionaires in terms of weight and importance of his opinions, no matter how tenuous their connection to reality is. Therefore, in this week's episode you will discover some surprising truth about how Australia's immigration system works, and some even more surprising truths about a particular politician (who is really a very nice man and not all all litigious and nothing in this episode is true and it's all a big joke and please don't sue us😓)

Happy Newt Year! That's not a typo, 2025 is the Year of the Newt in the special Earwash zodiac that i have just invented. As is traditional for the first episode of the year (if doing something for two years in a row is sufficient for something to become a tradition), this New Year and Newt Year episode is excerpts of eccentricity from Douglas's notebook. Listen to it now, and get your Newt Year off to a wrigglingly good start!

In the final Earwash of 2024 we check in with the regulars about how their New Year Resolutions for 2024 worked out. Who has achieved them? Who has failed to achieve them? Who didn't bother because he considers such petty matters as the Gregorian calendar beneath him? Listen and find out...

In this week's episode (not that weeks have any meaning any more; time is an illusion as far as Earwash release schedules are concerned), Douglas finds out the unpalatable truth behind the sudden appearance of many dead insects around his home. Is it anything to do with the adorable four-legged friend who sleeps on the end of his bed? Listen and find out, although the fact that that rhetorical question was posed at all implies that it is something to do with the cat. But please listen anyway.

Just when you thought 2024 had no more unexpected surprises to give, another one falls out of this year's Chirstmas stocking - an unexpected and largely uncalled-for Christmas album from Jonathan Crepuscular. Have as merry a Christmas as is possible in the circumstances.

In an episode much delayed due to the guest's unexpected admission to hospital, we hear from Jonathan Crepuscular about his one-man stand against toxic masculinity and unique response to the troubling social tend of 'No Nut November'. Please do not try it at home. Or in public, you'll get arrested.

It's time once again for our semi-regular dip into the obscene stream of consciousness that is Douglas's notebook. Marvel at such concepts as a door-to-door door salesman, secret nostrils and cheese magic, and wonder how Douglas came to write them down. Douglas wonders too...

In an incendiary eighty-fifth episode, omni-critic Horace Perrault joins us in our high-tech temporary recording studio/pillow fort in Shepparton to bring his unique brand of critique to a seemingly innocuous toiletry item. Please do not try to make your own post-modern statement of critical analysis through the medium of fire - Mr Perrault is a highly trained professional and knows what he is doing (probably).

In a (slightly late) International Men's Day episode, Douglas speaks to country music star Bruce Plank about how to be a good bloke. How do reforesting Tasmania, koala cuddles and exploding eagles relate to positive masculinity? Listen and find out.