Dating, Relationships, and Disability

Today we're continuing our conversation with  Shirley Paceley, author of SHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities.  See last week's episode for the first part of our conversation.One of my favorite parts of the book is a project Shirley shares about the Dare to Dream project. I feel strongly we need to do much more with people with disabilities to encourage them to go after their dreams and even take risks. I talk to Shirley about what were the key learnings she took away from the Dare to Dream project.We also talk about:The particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationships.How society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.Helpful advice you can give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.ResourcesSHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with DisabilitiesShirley's book in accessible format on Bookshare.Contact Information:Shirley Paceley - [email protected] Abilities Dating ResourcesPlease leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

I'm reading a great book, SHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities by Shirley Paceley. Shirley Paceley has worked with people with disabilities for 48 years and has a master’s degree in clinical psychology.   Shirley is a published author, international trainer, counselor, consultant, advocate, and visionary.  Shirley has co-created a multitude of resources for self-advocates, disability providers, educators, counselors, victim advocates, criminal justice professionals, and others. Shirley has dedicated her life to empower people with disabilities to be free, safe, and live meaningful lives. Shirley received the 2021 Professional Impact Award Fromm End Violence Against Women International.  In this first of a two part interview, we chat about: What made her want to write this bookWhere within her came her ability to naturally get that disability is just another form of diversity. How she has seen advocacy for people with disabilities transform over the recent yearsWhat's happening on the legislative side of sexual health for people with disabilitiesAnd after working with hundreds of sexual assault survivors with disabilities, what would she say to someone who has suffered sexual assault.ResourcesSHINING A LIGHT: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with DisabilitiesShirley's book in accessible format on Bookshare.Contact Information:Shirley Paceley - [email protected] Abilities Dating ResourcesPlease leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Today's show is released on the 32nd anniversary of the passage of the  Americans with Disabilities (ADA) act. While it hasn't fix all the issues, or even come close, to providing accessibility to all people with disabilities, the  ADA has certainly made a crack in the equality ceiling.For many of you, you have never known life without the ADA being the law. For others, like myself, I  remember standing in my family's home and watching the coverage on the news of the masses of people with disabilities on the steps of the Capitol, many of them crawling up the steps to demonstrate the need for access.What Does the ADA Have to Do with Dating?Wouldn't it be nice if we could legislate ramps into  people's minds and hearts so that society could more readily see people with disabilities as dating and relationship partners? Since that won't ever happen, it's really up to YOU to make it happen.Pursue your dreams to meet people, date, and find loving relationships. If you have that desire in your heart, HONOR it. Go for it, despite the judgments and perceptions you face from people. That is how we all are going to eventually build a ramp to people's hearts and minds.Where Do We Go From Here?The resource guide for this episode is the Dating Strategies guide.  This guide will help you develop a mindset for dating success, help you figure out how you want to communicate about your disability with dates, and brainstorm how to meet people. ResourcesDating Strategies guideRadiant Abilities Dating ResourcesPlease leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast and share the podcast with a friend.CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

In the month of July, we’re celebrating Disability Pride. According to the Disability Community Resource Center, Disability Pride is defined “as accepting and honoring each person’s uniqueness and seeing it as a natural and beautiful part of human diversity.” Disability Pride is an integral part of movement building and a direct challenge of systemic ableism and stigmatizing definitions of disability. I believe we need to bring Disability Pride more into the dating scene as a way of beginning to eradicate sexual ableism. As a reminder, sexual ableism is discrimination against people with disabilities in intimacy and relationships, suggesting the very presence of a disability implies inferiority. Check out episode 2 which is all about sexual ableism.So What Does It Mean To Have Disability Pride When Dating?Again, according to the Disability Community Resource Center “the disability pride movement wants to present people with disabilities as people living their lives in plain view proud of their identity as being disabled…Pride comes from celebrating our heritage, disability culture, the unique experiences that we have as people with disabilities, and the contributions that we can give to society.”This means we get out there and date. We put ourselves out there if we have the desire for meaningful relationships in our lives, or even if we just want to have fun and have good sex. Yes, I did just say that.I think a big - and scary - part of bringing Disability Pride to dating is knowing some people will reject us and STILL going for what we want. Our dreams and desires are not dependent on everyone seeing your value. It’s their loss if they do. You need to just attract the right people who will see your value and beauty.Where Do We Go From Here? Much of the core of my work in helping people to dating is about mindset, what you believe about yourself, and the ability to feel confident in the face of adversity. And I understand that all takes time. That’s why I show up every week in your earbuds, giving up a regular dose of encouragement and support for doing the very hard thing of dating with a disability. I have a selection of resources this week to help you in building your confidence.Resources Affirmations for Living Confidently with a Disability has statements to encourage you with general confidence.Mindset Beliefs for Successful Dating helps you in creating beliefs about yourself and your disability that build confidence.And Boldly Communicate helps you to develop ways to talk confiCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Every week when a new podcast is released, I send an email to people on my subscriber list with a little description of the podcast, along with the link to the free resource of the week. I’m not telling you that to get you on my email list, although of course, there’s a link in the show notes if that’s something that peaks your interest.I’m telling you this because last week the subject of the email was “What’s Wrong With You?” to go along with the episode title. I had one person answer the email by saying, “my looks and disability.” While I have compassion for this person because I once believed that about myself, I told the reader that the fact that he believes that his looks and disability are what’s wrong with him IS THE PROBLEM.If you’re listening to this around the time it airs, it is the lovely summer month, in the Northern hemisphere, of July. July is also Disability Pride month. I always like to acknowledge Disability Pride month because I believe we don’t have enough of it in our society. What We Believe About Ourselves is What People SeeLet me ask you this. If you are believing that your looks or disability is the problem. If you’re believing you can’t attract someone to you because of your looks or the fact that you use a wheelchair, how is a potential date going to see beyond what you believe about yourself?Whatever we believe about ourselves, either positive or negative, is what others see. If you’re believing that your looks are lacking, that no one will date you because of your disability, or even wondering why the hell should you be proud of your disability, others are going to pick right up on that and say “Nah-ah.”Building Better BeliefsI often find this is the hardest part for people I work with to grasp.Living with a disability of any kind can certainly make dating and relationships challenging, but TOTALLY POSSIBLE."Every belief has a consequence. Your beliefs either heal you or harm you. They either support your aspirations or thwart them. Beliefs become the source of your limitation or liberation." -Marie Forleo, Everything Is FigureoutableBELIEF MINDSET #1: WHAT YOU BELIEVE ABOUT YOURSELFExample: I am a kind and loving person who deserves to be treated well.BELIEF MINDSET #2: WHAT YOU BELIEVE ABOUT YOUR DISABILITYExample: Living with a disability make me very interesting as a person.BELIEF MINDSET #3: YOUR POWER TO ATTRACTExample: I attract people to me with my kind heart and warm personality.BELIEF MINDSET #4: WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP YOU DESERVEExample: I deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship.BELIEF MINDSET Check out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

“What’s wrong with you?” Don’t you love that question. I have been asked this before, several times. It amazes me that I actually don’t recall a date ever asking me this one. For you who have been asked this on a date, or anywhere else in your life, I have the Perfect Answer.First, let me just say…I can certainly understand a five-year old asking this of someone living with a disability. I always use it as a teachable moment with kids and begin by saying, “I walk and talk differently (inserting a more inclusive word than funny or weird) because I have cerebral palsy.” Depending on their age, they may be satisfied with that or if they have a heightened sense of curiosity, it may lead to a discussion about what cerebral palsy is. Either way, it’s all good.Manners 101It’s when adults ask me this, is when I have difficulty. We won’t even discuss here about the need to back to Sensitivity and Manners 101. Let’s talk about the myth people are perpetuating when they ask this question.“What’s wrong with you?” implies that there’s an inherent flaw that needs to be corrected in someone. At the time this podcast is going live, it’s July, Disability Pride month. Throughout July, we’re going to be talking about bringing Disability Pride into dating and relationships.Obviously, the question implying there’s something wrong with you does nothing to foster disability pride.  A disability is just a facet of who we are, among all our other attributes. When people use the word wrong and we all know they mean our disability, they are implying it is bad, faulty, mistaken, out of line, rotten, etc. to live with a disability, rather than what’s perfect and natural about you.Empowerment Moment, Not Teachable If a date or a potential date should ask you this question, I certainly understand you wanting to give them a piece of your mind, especially if they use a certain tone in asking the question. As I always say, you ultimately need to respond in a way that suits you.I would recommend that you take this opportunity as a moment for empowerment for yourself. Forget teachable moments. If an adult is asking you what’s wrong with you, they need way more teaching than you have time.Use this moment to let them know there’s not a thing “wrong” with you, that your disability is another aspect of yourself that makes you so damn interesting and why they should get to know you.Where Do We Go From Here? The dating scene is filled with opportunities for showing Disability Pride. Think about how you want to talk about your disability ahead of time. Come up with how you’re going to answer questions about your disability, even insensitive ones. See them as opportunities to empower yourself in the dating scene, rather than douCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Let’s begin with a question, keeping in mind this is a podcast on dating and relationships.Are you choosing your dreams, rather than buying into sexual ableism?  This can be a particularly good question to ask yourself this if you’re not having success in dating with a disability.You may not like that question and even be a little offended by it.But sometimes those harder questions and more specifically, the answers to them, point us in the direction we want to be heading in.I spent most of my single years believing that living with cerebral palsy presented a huge obstacle to falling in love and finding a life partner. You might be feeling the same way. You may think your disability makes you less attractive, less valuable as a partner.What Sexual Ableism IsSexual ableism is a system of beliefs that discriminate against people with disabilities in dating, intimacy, and relationships, suggesting the very presence of disability implies inferiority (adapted from AccessLiving.org). Episode 2 is all about sexual ableism.Sexual ableism is discrimination, belittling, judgments, archaic thinking. It’s just as real as racism, xenoism, and sexism is. It has to be acknowledged. But we don’t need to place this prejudicial thinking before our dreams. Why give more power to what can hurt you over what you want most?Make the decision that was what you want most, to share my life with someone, is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than backwards beliefs.Dare to DreamI’m reading a fabulous book, Shining the Light: Creating Pathways to Equity, Safety, Healing, and Justice With People with Disabilities by Shirley Paceley, a longtime disability advocate. I’ll be having Shirley on the show in the near future  to discuss her book. In Shining the Light, Shirley talks about how vital it is for all people to have dreams as part of a meaningful life. She writes, “Dreams give our life meaning and for some people, it is a dream that allows them to get up every morning and say, ‘I can do this one more day.”Where Do We Go From Here? Love is love. Although this is typically associated with the LGBTQ+ community, those of us living with disabilities can certainly borrow it to help rise above sexual ableism. At the end of the day, we all want to be loved, desired, and valued. This begins with changing what you put your focus on, where you invest your mental energy.Choose your dreams over the negativity of sexual ableism. Believe in yourself. Believe in wortCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Unified Diversity, seems a contradictory term, doesn’t it?It’s a topic I believe we pay too little attention to in the Disabled community – our solitary with other diverse populations, as well with one another. As someone who has always been and will always be a “minority,” I feel such an affinity with others who are lumped in this ever-growing category.I, as a white, heterosexual woman, feel a particular kinship to the LBGTQ+ community. First and foremost because so many treasured friends of mine belong to this diverse and dynamic group.But my affinity runs deeper than friendship…It’s about owning, claiming, and celebrating a natural part of your being that is still often viewed by the majority as unnatural and even worse, “not right.” While I can’t try to proclaim that I understand the struggles that still exist today for people who are “coming out,” I do certainly understand how it feels to encounter the fear of difference.  I believe as a society we have come a long way in the last few decades in that regard. As I have watched the progression of the Pride movement into increased acceptance and value for the diverse ways people live and love, I can’t help but think there are so many lessons for the Disabled community to learn from. At the core of Pride movement, I see people valuing how they’re different for the “majority” and taking pride in their diversity, which has endured a history of shame, denigration, and abuse. Sound familiar?It can feel so isolating at times to learn to take pride in the very thing that brings so much adversity in your life, whether it be using a wheelchair, loving someone of the same sex, identifying with another gender, or being a different race. Pride, for me on my heterosexual, heteronormative, Disabled lens, is really about celebrating who you are in the face of harsh judgments and bullying fear.We all struggle to be celebrated in a world that may not accept us. Let’s begin by accepting one another within that realm of difference and learning from one another to accept ALL differences.Let’s all “come out” as a way of teaching the world that diversity expands and strengthens the global good. This is why we need Unified Diversity and not categories of differences. Let’s not only embrace one another’s struggles, but learn from them as a means of easing our own personal journeys.You may be asking, “Okay, I get all this, but how does Pride fit into dating with a disability?”These three simple, yet profound lessons from the Pride movement can really be effective in countering sexual ableism in the dating scene:Come out and claim, own, and celebrate your disability as a natural part of your being in the face of others seeing it as unnatural and even worse, “not right.” Celebrate who you are in the face of harsh judgments and bullying fear and live your life.Check out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

My husband and I recently celebrated the 15th anniversary of our first date. To me, 15 years feels like a milestone. It also got me thinking about first dates and initially meeting people. It can be very tenuous, especially when you live with a disability. People judge you, have perceptions of you that are frequently wrong, and may just dismiss you all together. And this can happen whether or not other people have disabilities themselves because we all process disabilities in very individual ways.In addition to judging you, people can also be uncomfortable with the presence of your disability. That was certainly the case with the first date I had with my husband. Check out episode 1, I’m So Uncomfortable, for those details.What I want to talk about today is the concept of holding space for discomfort on dates. I think this is so important because I am sure if I didn’t hold the space for my husband’s discomfort on our awkward first date, I would have never heard from him.Difference Between Discomfort and Ableism Before I talk about holding the space for discomfort, I want to distinguish discomfort from ableism. While discomfort can certainly come from ableism, I define discomfort more with what someone is feeling inside and how they’re reacting to a person or situation. Ableism, on the other hand, is projecting discomfort to make the experience of being disabled wrong or inferior.What Does Holding Space MeanHolding space is typically a counseling term. It can also be a term used in yoga. I actually found a great definition for it at yogapedia.com. “When you hold space for someone, you are doing something very beautiful. You are allowing them the chance to feel safe and supported in being exactly what they are and allowing whatever comes, to simply happen. You are protecting their ability to exist and to experience their reality, without judging them or attempting to alter this reality in any way.”Now I want to be clear, it is certainly not our job - ever - to take care of others and help them feel safe and supported adjusting to our disabilities. I have always felt that when you’re an adult, that’s their responsibility.Tips for Holding Space I want to just share some tips for holding space for someone’s discomfort with you and your disability.First of all, it’s not about you! It’s so important that you remember this. You having a disability is never, ever the problem. People thinking that way is the problem. So just continually remind yourself of that when confronted with discomfort about your disability.Where Do We Go From Here? While I’m a firm believer that disabilities are natural and the worCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Today I interview Ellen Merker, a Licensed Professional Counselor, who own Heart Consulting in Madison, WI. Heart Consulting works with people with developmental disabilities, physical disabilities, and mental illness; of all genders and gender identities, sexual orientations, race, socioeconomic status, religions, cultures, and ethnicity.  Heart Consulting believes in empowering people with disabilities to live full lives with meaningful relationships, and works to do this through educating about safe and healthy relationships, as well as provide support and advocacy to individuals.  Ellen  started Heart Consulting LLC in 2017, after seeing the need for more resources around sexual assault and domestic violence in the disability community. Ellen received her MS in Rehabilitation Psychology from UW-Madison in 2012, and has worked in various roles with neurodivergent individuals for over 10 years.  Ellen’s therapy focuses on individual needs and looking at the how one’s environment may be impacting mental health.Resources Heart Consulting on InstagramHeart Consulting on FacebookHeart Consulting's websiteRadiant Abilities Dating ResourcesPlease leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Let’s face it -- dating with a disability can be hard! People can struggle to accept you and what you have to offer. It can certainly affect your self esteem and confidence. This is exactly why I specialize in ways to increase self esteem and confidence when dating. The best way to counter this is through affirmations, positive statements you focus on as a way of building your confidence. Not Faking ItI want to be clear about something. Saying affirmations is about changing your beliefs. It is not about “faking it until you make it,” which unfortunately is what I used to believe.Affirmations are about pretending to be something you’re not. It’s about rewiring your brain your thoughts and beliefs to work with you rather than against you.Why These  Statements WorkHere are 8 affirmations to increase your confidence in dating and relationships. I’m going through each statement to explain why it works.  If you don’t believe these statements right now, that’s fine. Try to remove any judgment as you say them. The power of affirmations comes from reading them and saying them daily. As you do, you change your mindset to bring about the positive changes you want in your life.My disability and the experience of living with it only adds to what I have to offer.The strengths and personal qualities, such as determination and acceptance of others, you have gained from living with a disability enhance who you are and what you offer to others.I enjoy dating and meeting people.I attract people who see my disability as an asset.I have the courage to let go of negative people to make room for people who see my value.My disability adds to my value as a person.I only accept people in my life who treat me well.I deserve a fun, loving, and healthy relationship.There’s someone out there who would love to be in a relationship with me.Where Do We Go From Here? “You must master a new way to think before you master a new way to be.” - Marianne WilliamsonSaying these affirmations will help you focus on a new way to be, one that is confident in your worth, disability and all.So much of dating is about your mindset and how you perceive yourself as a potential partner.Grab the download for this episode, Affirmations for Confidently Dating. It has all the affirmations I just went through. Practice saying them, mentally focus on them, have them become part of a new way to be in the dating scene.Resources Free download - Affirmations for Confidently DatingPlease leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.Check out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

During the many years I was single, the best advice I got was “You won’t be for everyone.” This came as a relief and it still surprises me that it was news to me at the time. Well, of course, I’m not for everyone! Duh!But why did I focus on “everyone” needing to find me attractive?I think my experience in putting a lot of weight and focus on the concept of “everyone” is a common dating trap.Today we’re going to challenge the concept of “everyone” needing to find you attractive, being comfortable with you, or even accepting you.It’s a Relief to Let Go of EveryoneThe person who said this to me actually conveyed it in a very loving way and with the intention of helping me to let go of my arduous efforts to impress all potential partners. And it worked! I began to breathe more deeply and relax into who I am, rather than what I was putting out there.  In my dating years, I believed in the impossible – that all potential dating partners could work through their resistance toward my disability.  After all, I go through life, knowing that certain people in general will just have difficulty accepting my disability…and people who would have a more intimate relationship with me, would not?! Ugh, arrogance!When I received this gentle slap in the face of “You’re not for everyone,” it was actually welcomed. Ahh, this meant I could focus on those who were for me and let go of my false need for the others.From Everyone to SomeoneRelaxing into this knowledge helped to foster my Power to Attract (see episode 10), meaning I could put my focus more on what I had to offer to the dating/relationship scene, than trying to draw someone to me. The Power to Attract is about focusing on our gifts and abilities. When you do this, you draw the right people to you.On some level when you live with a disability, people will always look at what you don’t “have.” For better or worse, it’s human nature. Our job as people with disabilities, I believe, is to be open to all the gifts and lessons we bring to the many who are open to us. If you’re out there dating, knowing you’re not for everyone really helps clear the way for those who are drawn to you.A Word About RejectionAnother area in dating where the word “everyone” trips us up is when we’re rejected. It could be by one person or ten, but we can believe that everyone is rejecting us. When we think that everyone is rejecting us, that can certainly negatively impact our self esteem and confidence.Where Do We Go From Here? Catch yourself when you find yourself falling into the “everyone” trap. It’s not true! Every single person does not believe what one or even 50 people believe.Focus on the someones that are out there that will find you attractive, will want to get to know you, andCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Everyone I interview for this podcast is special, but I have to admit today's guest might be the most special. Today, we're talking my husband, Scott, about what it's like to have a partner with a disability.We also talk about: His version of our first date and  that memorable evening?We’re coming up on the fifteenth anniversary of our first date. Scott talks about what he has learned in 15 years of having a partner with a disability.What are challenges he continues to experience.How he is affected by my increasing physical challenges as I get older.How he thinks society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partners.Advice he would give for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationships.And advice  for people without disabilities who may become partners. Where Do We Go From Here? Download the Bringing Your Disability Into Relationships guide in the show notes to help you in getting clear and feeling empowered about your disability in relationships.ResourcesFree download - Bringing Your Disability Into Relationships guidePlease leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

It can sometimes be harder to break up with someone than be the one that’s being left. Break ups can be thoughtful and intended with love for both yourself and the other person. In this episode we’re going to over what you need to consider when breaking up with someone so that it’s done in a thoughtful and even loving way and not filled with drama.Check In With YourselfListen to what you’re feeling and respect them. If something doesn’t feel right, trust that and communicate about it. Ask yourself the following questions: “Is this how I want to be feeling with this person?”Am I happy in this relationship?Am I being treated the way I want to?Am I being spoken to the way I want to be?Is there anything I’m uncomfortable with?Do we have the same values?Are we on the same page in our relationship?Do we have support as a couple?Am I growing as a person?What else?Examine the “Health” of a RelationshipHave the courage to speak up and say if something doesn’t feel right. Use “I statements” and speak from your power.Say what you need, knowing they may not be able to give it to you.The reality of any relationship is that a person may not be able to give you what you need. Like rejection, this is not necessarily a reflection of you, but more of where they are at. It’s then up to you to decide on what you want to do in the relationship. Do you want to try to work through it or is it a sign that it’s not the right relationship for you? The questions you should ask yourself are also great questions to ask your  partner as a way of making sure you're on the same page about your relationship and the direction it is heading.Knowing When to LeaveWhen there’s any type of abuse - physical, emotional, mental. Leave at the first sign.When you’re generally unhappy in the relationship.When you don’t feel respected or treated well.When you are not on the same page with your partner about your relationship.Make sure you’re as happy and fulfilled in a relationship as you are NOT in one.Where Do We Go From Here? It can sometimes be harder to break up with someone than be the one that’s being left. Break ups can be thoughtful and intended with love for both yourself and the other person. Follow the steps we just went through if you find you’re unsure if you’re with the right person.Download the resource guide Having Difficult Conversations to help you.Resources Free download - Having Difficult ConversationsPlease leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.CreditsMusic by: httCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

In any podcast about dating, at some point we need to talk about rejection. It’s a natural part of the dating process. Most of us endure rejection at some point. Rejection hurts and quite honestly, sucks. That said, the problem with rejection is we make it mean something negative about ourselves. What if we didn’t take rejection personally? Yes, I did just suggest you don’t take rejection to be about you. Hang on with me over the next few moments as I give you a different way of looking at rejection.Don’t Let Rejection Stop You Many people don’t date because they’re afraid of rejection. While this is understandable and trust me, I did this myself while I was single, it won’t ever get you the results you want. I know someone who has never fully gotten over being rejected. Her boyfriend broke up with her 25 years ago and she has never dated again because she doesn’t want to experience that pain again. But what has happened is she has lived with the daily pain of being alone when she deeply wants to share her life with someone.Sometimes we have to go through intense pain in order to get the bigger result we’re looking for.I want to give you two ways of looking at rejection that may be helpful in better coping with it.Preference and FeedbackRejection is simply someone Indicating a preference, meaning the other person wants someone other than you. It doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” about you. It means they want someone or something else.Maybe you can even grow from the feedback you get when someone doesn't want to date you?It may be cliche but often cliches speak the truth. Someone rejecting you really does clear the way for the right person to come into your life. Once I met my husband, I realized why no other relationship worked out - I would have never met him if they did.Where Do We Go From Here? Work on not taking rejection personally. It may feel like it’s about you, but it’s not. Don’t let it define you and certainly don’t let any no mean you can’t have what you want most. See rejection as simply another person’s preference and setting you on the path you need to be on.This week’s resource is on Who is Your Support System because rejection can be painful to deal with. You need to reach out for support. Get love and encouragement from others in your life.Resources Free download - Who is Your Support System?Please leave a review so that more people can learn about the podcast.CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

One of the most common questions people ask when wanting to date is how do I meet people. I certainly wondered about this when I was single. Most of my friends were married and by the time I was in my 30s, I really didn’t want to hang out in a bar. So how do you meet people? I have some ideas. As with much of what I recommend, it involves strategies and you’ll need to actually do it.FamiliarityFamiliarity sparks friendships and relationships, find activities you would like to regularly participate in. The more others see you on a frequent basis, the more they get to know you.This will increase the probability of meeting people you get to know over time and allow relationships to grow.Take a new look at the places and activities you’re already involved in. Are there people in those places that can be of potential dating interest?Try New PlacesThe key is to balance familiar, regular places you go to with trying new places and events to meet people.Get outside of your comfort zone. Try new places, events, and activities. You never know what will come of it.Online DatingOnline dating is not for everyone, but can be a great way to meet people.Do what feels right for you. Always make safe decisions in getting to know someone and before you meet them in person.If you decide to try online dating, what are 1 - 3 sites you can look into and possibly join. It may be good to stay with a site at last three months before switching.Putting thought, time, and energy into these details to reflect who you are will likely increase the chances for success,The Dating ProfileI have talked about doing a dating profile before in Episode 12. A dating profile is a brief description of who you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Most dating sites and apps have a section for this.Even if you’re not doing online dating, you should have a dating profile.It’s a great opportunity to talk about yourself. Feel clear about what you have to offer someone and what kind of person you're looking to be with. Get down all your info, personal aspects you want to share, interests, and hobbies.See where you can share about your disability in a way that feels right for you.Here’s some potential things you can include in a dating profile:What do you want people to know about you?\What are you looking for in a relationship?What kind of person do you want to date?Many people think of a dating profile as being for potential dates to read and decide if they want to get to know you. While that is true, the dating profile gives you great clarityCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

I recently heard the wisdom of “Attract, Don’t Chase” while listening to a business podcast. They were naturally talking about business opportunities but I think that is real sage advice for dating and relationships. Today’s episode will be short but very effective if you begin to practice it.Chasing Does Not AttractThis is on a very small level, but for those of you on social media, have you encountered someone who sees you like their post or comment, reaches out to you to try to connect, and you sense they have an agenda? That’s chasing and for me, there’s always feels like there’s a desperate energy to it. It doesn’t draw you, ie, attract you to the other person.I understand people are lonely and really want to connect but I believe that ultimately you connect more with people by pulling your energy inward to what you want in a relationship and what kind of person you want to be with.The Power to Attract Check out Episode 10 on How to Cultivate the Power to Attract. Focusing on what you draw to you, rather than pursuing someone, or maybe even trying to put your agenda on them, helps you to stay with yourself and your sense of confidence and power. When we are in attract mode, that tends to naturally increase our self esteem and confidence because we’re placing our energy on what we have to offer, rather than getting something. Think about how you have felt chasing someone or something. Yes, there can be a bit of a thrill in the challenge but it can also not feel encouraging or self affirming.How to Put Attracting Into Practice I want you to begin practicing attracting by noticing where you’re chasing in dating and relationships. Then ask yourself why are you chasing that particular person. What are you hoping to get from them? A certain feeling? Validation of some kind? Maybe you’re looking for feelings of loneliness to go away? Be real honest with yourself. Then ask how can you focus on attracting in your life the very thing you’re looking outside you for.Then work on identifying what within you, what qualities within you, can draw the very thing you desire.Where Do We Go From Here? Download the Relationship Vision guide in the show notes. It’s a very powerful exercise in helping you identify what you want to attract into your life and helping you to focus on that. The guide has you think about all the qualities in someone else that you want to attract into your life. You get them all down and then, this is where the magic happens, you begin saying the list you created every day until it’s ingrained into your thinking. Once this happens, you go automatically into attract mode versus chasing. I can tell you from personal experience, this exercise helped me to foCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Today we’re talking about the last strategy in our mini series on the four strategies for dating successfully with a disability. While all the strategies are critical, this is probably the most important one to do. Take action. Do something. Put yourself out there. Otherwise, how are you going to be successful dating?Over my career, both as a mental health counselor and as a teacher and trainer in dating and relationships, I have encountered countless people who so desperately want to date but do nothing. And if this is you, I have immense compassion for you, even as I’m giving you some tough love, because I was like you for so many years. I wanted more than anything to meet someone and fall in love but I was just too afraid to do anything. I wasted so many years in fear. Don’t do that. What’s Your Framework for Getting What You Want?Take what you learned in this miniseries and actually put it into action to create what you want in your life. If you haven’t heard the who series, go back and begin listening to Episode 24. Don't just consume, apply it to your life! This is a framework for you to develop a personal plan for yourself on how will take steps to meet people, date, and develop happy relationships.How Do I Meet Someone?I’ll do a separate episode on strategies for this but here’s a preview. Address the classic question of “How do I meet people?” Familiarity sparks friendships and relationships, find activities you would like to regularly participate in. The more others see you on a frequent basis, the more they get to know you. This will increase the probability of meeting people you get to know over time and allow relationships to grow.Take a look at new places. At the places and activities you’re already involved in. Are there people in those places that can be of potential dating interest?The key is to balance familiar, regular places you go to with trying new places and events to meet people.Be willing to get out of your comfort zoneThink about what feels right for you, but be willing to get out of your comfort zone, try something new, and take risks that challenge you to grow and reach further toward your dreams.AffirmationsWhat are three affirmations you're going to adopt from this guide or ones that you create to help increase your dating confidence?Bold and Positive CommunicationWhat are three ways you're going to begin to boldly and positively communicate with dates about your disability? Where Do We Go From Here? Have you have included all of the above in your personal plan for dating? Then, congratulations! Fantastic work! You should feel very good about yourself for taking this workshop and doing this woCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Today we’re talking about strategy #3 in our four part series on four strategies for dating successfully with a disability. Strategy 3 is about looking at how you communicate about your disability. And I’m not just talking about disclosing your disability. Check out episode 12 for that. Today I want to discuss how do you talk about your disability in general. Is it positive? Affirming? How do you feel when you talk about your disability?This is an important indicator for potential dates. I remember one of the first dates I went on as a young teenager was with another person with Cerebral Palsy. My biggest takeaway from that date was not liking how much he seemed to focus on what he could not do. Even before I was able to understand how we all put out a certain kind of energy, I knew I didn’t want to around that energy. When I came home and my mom asked how the date was, I told her definitely that I would not be going on another date with that person.What’s Your Communication Strategy?Do you have a communication strategy for talking about your disability? It’s important to have one. Here’s mine. Sometimes I’ll have people ask me what’s wrong with me. I always reframe this right away because there’s not a thing wrong with me. Well, my husband and son my disagree with me on that, but you know what I mean. The fact that my physical body has Cerebral Palsy does not indicate anything wrong. It’s merely a condition of my body. Me reframing that for people is a communication strategy of mine.I always recommend talking about your disability in the most natural way. Brainstorm some conversation topics about your life and what interests you. These topics will come in handy as you have initial conversations with potential dates and while on initial dates. Some topics can include family, friends, hobbies, work, and recreational interests. Think about how you can include your disability in a natural way into the conversation.Putting It Into PracticeAn example is past stories of how your family and friends support you as a person with a disability. Are there perhaps funny stories of how people in you life figured out how to make an impromptu accommodation for you or advocated for you? It’s important that you share what you're comfortable with.Develop your own strategy for figuring out when it feels right for you to talk on the phone and/or meet in person. How do you want someone to have the "full effect" of you?If, after a couple of exchanges, someone doesn’t bring up your disability, begin to talk about it. Don't ignore the elephant in the room.Where Do We Go From Here? Brainstorm positive ways you can bring your disability into the convCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

We’re back for strategy #2 in our mini series on the Four Strategies to Dating Successfully with a Disability.  How do you describe yourself to potential dates? Do you sound like someone a person would like to get to know?  Are you thinking “Ummm….I’m not sure?”  Well, then we need to talk about that because how you describe yourself is SOOOO important.My friend, it actually begins with the dating profile. Now, I already did a show on the dating profile in episode #12. Go back and listen to it again. It’s a short one. Many people think of a dating profile as being for potential dates to read and decide if they want to get to know you. While that is true, the dating profile gives you great clarity on your strengths and what you're looking for in dating and relationships. Writing a profile helps YOU get clear on the strengths and assets you bring to dating and relationships.Practice Do the work! You may dread writing a dating profile. Do it anyway. Take time to really think about how you present yourself. This is not about pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s about pulling out ALL THAT YOU ARE and showing potential dates (as well as yourself) that.This week the free resource that goes with the show is called How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile. The “kick butt” part of it is that if you follow the guide, you’ll write a positive, true reflection of who you are. By writing this, you’ll feel more confident in presenting yourself to dates.There are many questions in the Kick Butt Dating Guide. Really take time to marinate on how you answer these questions.The Result The result of looking at how you describe yourself is that you will feel more clear and confident about how you’re describing yourself to others. This will naturally increase your confidence level for dating and relationships. So much of the work involved in being successful in dating and relationships is about how you view yourself and how you project that into the world. It helps so much to be conscious of the language you use to describe yourself.Where Do We Go From Here? I have homework for you. If you’re listening to this podcast, you probably want to make changes in your life via more successful dating and attracting healthy, happy relationships.I said it earlier. You got to do the internal work that turns you into the partner you want to be that draws that amazing love into your life.If you don’t have it, download The Dating Profile guide in the show notes and actually do it! Go through the prompts to help you in either writing or rewriting your dating profile.When you’re done, notice how you feel differently about how youCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

We’re beginning a mini-series over the next few weeks, based on my workshop, Four Strategies to Dating Successfully with a Disability. Each week I’ll give you bit size tips for how to tackle each strategy. The strategies are:Increasing “dating confidence”Writing a kick butt dating profile - even if you’re not doing online datingCommunicating effectively with a date about your disabilityDeveloping a personal plan for how to TAKE THE RIGHT ACTION for dating successThese strategies will help you with these results:Building self esteem specific to datingCreating clarity and empowermentCommunicating with confidenceTaking consistent action toward what you wantThe Key to Making it Work You actually need to do each of the four strategies, even if you’re scared! Look I know dating with a disability is tough. I spent much of my single life avoiding it because I didn’t want to deal with the pain. And if I’m really honest, I thought I wouldn’t be able to to handle the pain. But guess what? I was and so are you because if we stop resisting the pain and open up to it, we learn the pain will not destroy us but strengthen us.So make a promise to yourself, right here, right now, to do each of these strategies and trust yourself that you can handle whatever feelings come up for you. Every episode in this mini series will have a guide that corresponds with each strategy. Download the guides and use them.Strategy 1 - Positive Beliefs About YourselfDeveloping healthy, positive core beliefs about yourself builds a solid foundation that leads to successful dating and relationships.A core belief is a thought you have about yourself that shapes most of your words, actions, thoughts, and feelings.Positive core beliefs results in increased confidence, healthier relationships, and more general success. I am beginning here because people who feel good about themselves are much more prone to dating success and healthy relationships.When we think well of ourselves, we tend to draw others who will do the same.Whatever we believe (positive or negative) strengthens. For example, if you believe you’re “undateable,” that will be most likely what you experience - not dating and/or having relationships that are not fulfilling or happy.And on the other hand, if you have positive beliefs, you will draw that into your life.I am a person of great worth.My disability adds to my value as a person.I have much to offer someone and bring to a relationship.Where Do We Go From Here? Download the free resourceDo this - pick 3 statements from the download or come up with three positive statements about yourself and notice the changes in what you feel and think about in the next 30 dCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Bryony Grealish is a food influencer, speaker, trainer, No Thumbs Chef Challenge show host, and is the owner of The Fingerless Kitchen, LLC. A Syracuse native, Brie is a wife and mom to two vibrant, sweet boys. She was born with a rare genetic condition called Ectrodactyly. Bryony uses her disability as a tool for change, showing the world that you don’t need thumbs to cook. The Fingerless Kitchen is changing perspectives and beliefs on what you thought was possible!The goal is to inspire people with disabilities to learn how to cook. Bryony is taking her passion for cooking and creative problem solving to the screen. She wants to show everyone that our limitations are opportunities to do something different and unique, encouraging people with disabilities to find courage in their kitchens and turn their skills and dreams into a business.Brie is a WISE Women’s Business Center board member in Syracuse, NY. In addition, she has been featured in an impressive array of local publications and shows. Including a television interview with WCNY Move to Include Initiative, a Cover story for the Syracuse Women Magazine, Syracuse’s Bridge Street morning talk show, CBS News 5, Street Talk on 93Q, and more.Brie and I discuss:Her work in the disability fieldHer personal experience in the area of dating, relationships, and disabilitiesHow she and her husband brought her disability into a relationship so that it has a healthy presence in a relationshipSome issues that emerged in parenting as a result of her disabilityThe particular challenges for people with disabilities in dating and relationshipsHow society can change to be more open to seeing people with disabilities as dating and relationships partnersAdvice for someone with a disability in search of dating success and healthy relationshipsResourcesBryony’s website The Fingerless KitchenBryony’s awesome Instagram feedCreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

I recently was working with someone on his mindset around dating. He was saying how he had difficulty seeing what he had to offer in a relationship, although he would desperately like to have one. He went on to talk about how he doesn’t have a job, how he doesn’t drive, how he hasn’t dated in a long time, and the list went on.When he got done, I asked “How much time do you spend thinking about what you DO have to offer?” He opened his mouth to say something and then laughed. “I never thought about it that way,” he admitted.Today we’re going to talk about managing your mind for better outcomes for dating.Where’s Your Focus?If you want to date but your thoughts are filled with what’s “wrong” with you, you won’t get far. We often think our feelings cause our thoughts when in reality, the opposite is true. Our thoughts cause our feelings.So if we’re thinking about all our flaws and what we lack, we’re not going to feel too good about ourselves. We’re certainly not going to feel like we’re “date worthy” material.We tend to set ourselves up for failure by what we think.How to Manage Your Mind The most effective way to produce more desired results in your life is learn how to manage your mind. Here’s what I mean by that - first, you become aware of your thoughts and then begin catching yourself when you have a negative thought. You then redirect your focus to a thought that is going to better serve you.How this looks in action is you may have a thought that you don’t work and therefore, you don’t have a lot to offer in terms of finances. You realize this thought doesn’t make you feel good and you ask yourself, what can I offer? Maybe it’s a friendly personality, maybe you’re a great cook, or really know how to treat someone well. You then redirect your mind, almost like it’s a little kid, to focus on those thoughts in place of the negative ones.This is how we manage our thoughts, aka, our minds. This is the most effective strategy I used to find dating and relationship success in my life.Where Do We Go From Here? Where is your attention when it comes to dating and relationships? Are your thoughts blocking your success or creating it? Are you managing your thoughts to love on yourself or tear yourself down?Your mind is the most powerful tool you own. Use it to put your focus and mental energy on what will increase your self esteem and confidence in dating.Download the free resource in the show notes, 10 Affirmations for Dating Confidently with a Disability. The download not only gives you the affirmations, but tells you why they work. It will help retrain your mind to focus on the positive, rather than the negative.ResourcesFree download Check out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Today, I'm interviewing Katherine McLaughlin, CEO and Lead Trainer of Elevatus Training.Katherine is certified as a sexuality educator by AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists) and is the Founder of Disability Workshops, now Elevatus Training. She is the author of Sexuality Education for People with Developmental Disabilities Curriculum and also develops educational materials for others to use in teaching and communicating.As national leaders in the field of sexuality and intellectual, developmental disabilities and autism we offer evidence and trauma informed curriculum, online training, in-services and workshops to help professionals, educators, self-advocates and parents skillfully and confidently navigate the topic of sexuality.In today's conversation, we discuss:How her work in sexuality education for people with disabilities has evolved over the yearsAdvocating for legislation for sexuality education for people with disabilitiesThe curriculum Elevatus Training uses for sexuality education for people with disabilitiesThe challenges of people with disabilities in datingThe continuing beliefs and attitudes in society that lead to misperceptions about sexuality and people with disabilities Katherine's own journey with her disability as a wife and mother Advice Katherine has for people with disabilities in dating and relationshipsResourcesElevatus TrainingBe sure to leave us a review and tell us what you think.CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Success in dating and relationships require support from people outside the relationship. This can be particularly true for people with disabilities. Because, let’s face it, dating in general is hard and dating with a disability can often be much harder, but very possible.  We just need support along the way. Today we’ll discuss how to identify support and effectively use it.Why Having a Support System is So HelpfulIf you’re single, you need people to encourage you, listen to you, give you advice. If you’re in a relationship, a mutual desire to nurture friendships, both as a couple and individually, is good for the overall health of a relationship. “It takes a village to raise a healthy relationship.” We need feedback and experiences with others to grow a relationship.  As you grow support as a couple, this nurtures your relationship.How to Identify Supports Find support - go to trusted friends, family members, or even professionals to help you recognize all the positives within you.It is important for you to begin to recognize the positive qualities within yourself and working with a mental health professional can be effective in learning this.Use these people to talk about what you’re feeling, questions you have, and challenges you’re facing.Turn to people you trust for support, not so they tell you what to do or shape your opinions, but they give you good, honest, loving feedback. Where Do We Go From Here? Teamwork and problem-solving - a good relationship is not about having few problems, but how well we can work through the problems that naturally arise and how well we reach out for support.Sometimes as a single person or a couple, you may need help from others.Who is your support system for dating and relationships?ResourcesFree download - Who’s Your Support System guide Be sure to leave us a review and tell us what you think.CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

I have such a treat for you today. If you’re listening to this episode close to when this episode is published, Happy Valentine’s Day! I know that Valentine’s Day can be a challenge for some of you who are out there dating so I wanted to offer you some inspiration today in the form of a happy, grounded couple.I’m interviewing Jessica Kramer and Seth Dikeman. Jessica is an Access Specialist at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and Seth is a musician and a music instructor.I met Jessica, who was a disability studies graduate student at the time, about five years ago at a World CP Day event. We clicked and began occasionally meeting for coffee and Jessica, who also has cerebral palsy, wrote some blogs for my website which are linked up in the show notes.As a thank you for her blogs, I gave her access to my online course, Dating, Relationships, and Disability: How to Have Confidence and Succeed. A couple months later I received an email from Jessica that said:"Your course that focuses on self acceptance and self love. For me, that is the best lesson anyone can learn. The first step to dating is loving yourself.  I also started seeing someone and it’s the best relationship I've ever had. Your course helped my confidence and I thank you for that. "A couple months ago I received this text from Jessica: Seth proposed and we’re getting married!Today we’re talking to Jessica and Seth about their relationship and how it has progressed. We cover the following topics:Jessica’s dating experience prior to meeting Seth and some of the challenges around dating with a disability.The progression of your relationship and how they brought Jessica’s disability into the relationship.What has changed about your relationship.What was different for Seth about dating someone with a disability.  What drew him to Jessica.How Seth approached Jessica’s disability that was different from others.What advice they would give to people with disabilities out there dating or trying to date and meet the right person.What advice they would  give to someone dating a person with a disability.ResourcesIf you would like to check out the online course that Jessica took  right before she met Seth on Dating, Relationships, and Disability: How to Have Confidence and Succeed.The Five Love Languages (book)Please leave a review of the show.CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Today we’re talking with Anna Hayek, Instructor and Heart of Operations at Mad Hatter Wellness, which specializes in sexuality and healthy relationship training. We talk about the resources and services Mad Hatter Wellness. Mad Hatter has in person and virtual trainings, as well as online courses.Upcoming Conference Mad Hatter has their annual Heart of Relationships  happening now through February 18, 2022. It’s all virtual. Registration link in below. It’s a great way to connect with others invested in healthy relationships for people with disabilities. Scholarships are also available for those who need it.Where Do We Go From Here? Anna gives advice about talking with others in your pursuit of healthy relationships and being happy with yourself.Resources Mad Hatter Wellness WebsiteVirtual Heart of Relationships Conference Feb 7-18Linktree with many of Mad Hatter's main linksSexuality for All Abilities BookOnline CoursesNewsletter Sign UpPlease leave this podcast a review!CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

I once dated a guy who would say things to me like “I wonder how many people see us together and think you’re my client.” Yeah, very uncool. He also said, “My friend told me she thinks it’s so great that I’m dating someone with dating someone with a disability,” in a tone that was very heroic. Even further uncool to say. Needless to say, that relationship gratefully ended. It was a time in my life in which I was young and still didn’t know how to bring my disability into a relationship in an empowered way. Today we’re talking about how to do just that - bringing your disability into relationships so that it has a healthy presence in a relationship and that both of you can talk openly and honestly about it.Take Your Disability Along for the RideIncorporate your disability into relationships. Communicate about the challenges a disability brings to a relationship, problem solve about it, and most important, have a sense of humor about it. Give your relationship room to be real about your disability and how both of you are affected by it. I would encourage you to discuss and even role play how they would talk about their disability in relationships. If both people in a relationship have disabilities, don’t assume the other person will always “get” your disability because we all approach and live with a disability in our own way. Some examples of how to communicate about your disability are “How are you feeling about me having a disability?” “What is it like for you to help me with _________?” “What do your friends say about my disability?”Vital to RememberYour disability does not take away from your beauty. It only contributes to it.When YOU believe in your beauty and how your disability adds to it, others will see that too.Living with a disability is hard work. That difficulty “builds character” (corny but true) adds spice to who you are, makes you more interesting, and let’s face it, makes life far from boring.Communicate with Confidence About Your DisabilityHave the courage to talk openly about your disability with whoever you're dating.We waste much time playing guessing games and we don’t need to.Take a deep breath and let someone know how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. Be okay with a little discomfort…you never know what will come of it.People will not always immediately be at ease with you. If they’re showing a genuine interest, but unsure how to act or respond to you, don’t be too quick to cut them off.Give them the lead on how you want to be treated. Where Do We Go From Here? Think about how you may bring your disability into relationships in a way that feels right for you. Practice this in your current relationships with friends and family.Just because you haven’t had success in this Check out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

I was originally going to do this podcast on boundaries, but I realized that what may be more helpful is to talk about the importance of saying NO as a way of developing healthy boundaries. We have to learn to say NO to what does not feel good or right. Never be afraid to say “NOOOO” to anyone. Communicate immediately to a person you trust if someone has done anything you’re uncomfortable with.Saying No to Subtle DiscomfortsIt’s equally important that you say NO to interactions and communication that is not outright abuse, but still makes you feel uncomfortable or violated in any way.Examples:Touch on the knee, thigh, or back that does not feel right.A hug or kiss that doesn’t feel right.A term of endearment (i.e. honey or baby) way too soon.Unwanted calls, texts, or emails.Flashes of jealousy.Control issues.Not listening.Developing Healthy BoundariesCheck in with yourself about how you're feeling.If something doesn't feel right, communicate about it.How do you check in with yourself?Listen to what you’re feeling and respect them.If something doesn’t feel right, trust that and communicate about it.Ask yourself “Is this how I want to be feeling with this person?”LeavingLastly, we need to know when to leave a relationship. Here’s some examples:When there’s any type of abuse - physical, emotional, mental. Leave at the first sign.When you’re generally unhappy in the relationship.When you don’t feel respected or treated well.When you are not on the same page with your partner about your relationship.Where Do We Go From Here? Learn to say no as a way of developing healthy boundaries. Say no to subtle discomforts as much as blatant ones. Use the download in the show notes to help you identify how you can be safe in relationships and have healthy boundaries in relationships.Allow it to help you get clarity on what you may need to work on to feel happy and safe in relationships.ResourcesFree download - Do I Feel Safe checklist. Please leave us a review!CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

A foundation to success in dating and relationships is being safe and feeling empowered in all your interactions. This includes not being taken advantage of physically, emotionally, sexually, or financially. It also includes not being manipulated in any way.  Freedom from abuse doesn’t always happen in dating and relationships. This is the case for people without disabilities and especially true for the disabled.We have to talk about this…According to 2017 U.S Justice Department statistics, people with intellectual disabilities are seven times more likely to be sexually assaulted. As many as 83% of women with developmental disabilities and 32% of men are victims of sexual assault. For most people with developmental disabilities, their first "sexual" (and I use that term loosely) encounter is rape. Only about 3% of perpetrators of people with disabilities serve time. 49% of people with developmental disabilities suffer from chronic sexual abuse.National Public Radio Series on the prevalence of sexual assaults to people with intellectual disabilities.Search “NPR Abused and Betrayed”How This Can Be PreventedAt the core of helping to prevent assault and abuse are these very preventable steps to take:Develop and maintain strong personal boundaries help protect from abuse. Listen to your gut!Be informed about sex and sexuality. Hungry for information, people who are uninformed might find themselves with dangerous people and in dangerous places.Be open to opportunities to learn and grow so that you feel empowered in relationships. IT IS NEVER THE FAULT OF THE PERSON SUFFERING FROM ABUSE AND ASSAULT.Where Do We Go From Here? It’s so important that we not only keep safety in mind when pursuing dating and relationships, but feel empowered to demand it in our interactions. Don’t demand less of yourself. If something doesn’t feel right, name it, say it out loud, talk about it. Do it not only for yourself, but also collectively for all people with disabilities. Let’s get those high number of assaults and abuse down.If you need help with this, grab the download in today’s show notes, Do I Feel Safe?One final tip - get a support system for yourself for dating and relationships. Have a few trusted friends you can talk to when you not only have a safety concern, but just about dating and relationships in general. I’ll be doing a podcast on this in the near future.Resources Free download - Do I Feel Safe checklist. CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Last week we discussed whether or not to use dating sites and apps. We talked about how that’s an individual choice and up to your comfort level. This week we’re talking about safety on dating sites and apps, not to mention, social media in general.Over the years I have heard from many people encountering others asking for money, credit card information, and pressuring to meet before somebody was ready. These events can lead to dating sites and apps feeling unsafe.Look Within to Feel SafeWe look out by first looking within. This means you get in the habit of checking in with yourself. You  check in with yourself by getting quiet and spending some time to go inward and ask:Am I happy in this relationship?Am I being treated the way I want to?Am I being spoken to the way I want to be?Is there anything I’m uncomfortable with?Do we have the same values?Would I feel comfortable with this person?Do you want to like the person just so you don’t feel lonely? Want a checklist of these questions, download the Do I Feel Safe guide in the show notes.What to Look Out For?This is not an all encompassing list by any means, but here’s some tips for what to look out for:Profiles with blurry photos Vague answers to your questions Anyone who wants to meet right awaySomeone not listening to youSomeone who wants to talk about sex too soonAnyone who asks for money or credit card information Someone who asks to meet you at your home or their home Someone who demonstrates a flash of anger while getting to know you. Share my story.Anyone who you just get a gut feeling about something being off. The gut is always right.Grab the download for the Safety Checklist in the show notes.Where Do We Go From Here? Remember dating sites and apps can be a great way to meet potential dates, but you have to keep safety in the forefront. Use dating sites and apps with caution. Check in with yourself frequently and let your answers help guide you in making decisions about whether to pursue certain people or not.ResourcesPodcast Survey - https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/522XXRCFree download - Do I Feel Safe checklist. CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

I have to begin with one of the “disadvantages” I have in my work. I’m married, happily married at that. It’s a wonderful facet of my life, but it does give me a distinct drawback when knowing what are the best dating sites and apps out there. And of course, the information about dating sites and apps is always changing. So this is not a podcast about what the best sites and apps are, but rather the approach and mindset that would be the most helpful if you choose to do dating sites and apps. Notice I said choose to. Like everything else with dating, using sites and apps is a choice. This can be helpful to remember that it’s really up to you if you use them as a tool in your dating quest.Do What’s Right For YouOnline dating is not for everyone, but can be a great way to meet people, especially as we continue to socially distance. However, it’s definitely not for everyone. Do what feels right for you. Naturally, make safe decisions in getting to know someone and before you meet them in person. We’ll talk in more detail about online safety in the next couple of weeks.What To Consider With Online DatingPhotos! Look through photos and find at least five good photos of yourself. This may seem obvious, but make sure they are flattering and that you're smiling. If your disability is evident from your appearance, consider using at least one photo that shows that.Spend time on your dating profile. A dating profile is a brief description of who you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Most dating sites and apps have a section for this. It’s a great opportunity to talk about yourself.The dating profile helps you with a number of things. Feel clear about what you have to offer someone and what kind of person you're looking to be with. Get down all your info, personal aspects you want to share, interests, and hobbies. See where you can share about your disability in a way that feels right for you.Next week we’ll take an even deeper dive into how to make a dating profile work for you and why it’s so crucial, even if you’re not doing online dating.Where Do We Go From Here?Where to begin with online dating? There’s endless choices for dating sites and apps. I recommend you spend some time looking at what’s out there, but don’t go into the dating app rabbit hole. Settle on 1 - 3 sites you can look into and possibly join.  I recommend you stay with a site at last three months before switching. I think it can take that long before you can get what I call “traction” on a dating site or app.A lot of people say online dating sites and apps are full of scammers, which can certainly be true. There’s also many people, including myself, that have met their life partner through a dating site. I believe dating sites and apps can be a very viable way to meet people.RCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Many people think of a dating profile as being for potential dates to read and decide if they want to get to know you. While that is true, the dating profile gives you great clarity on your strengths and what you're looking for in dating and relationships. Writing a profile helps you get clear on the strengths and assets you bring to dating and relationships.The Real Purpose of a Dating ProfileA dating profile is a brief description of who you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Most dating sites and apps have a section for this. It’s a great opportunity to talk about yourself.Many people think of a dating profile as being for potential dates to read and decide if they want to get to know you. While that is true, the dating profile gives you great clarity on your strengths and what you're looking for in dating and relationships. Writing a profile helps you get clear on the strengths and assets you bring to dating and relationships. Feel clear about what you have to offer someone and what kind of person you're looking to be with. Get down all your info, personal aspects you want to share, interests, and hobbies. See where you can share about your disability in a way that feels right for you.Questions To Consider When Writing Your Dating ProfileWhat are some of your strengths?What are some qualities you are proud of and feel happy about?How would you describe your personality?What do you want people to know about you?What are you looking for in a relationship?What kind of person do you want to date?Where Do We Go From Here? Even if you’re not doing online dating, you should have a dating profile.Download the guide - How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your Disability.ResourcesTell us what you want to hear in the Podcast Survey.Free download - How to Write a Kick Butt Dating Profile and Disclose Your DisabilityCreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

This week we’re talking about a widely debated topic - when to disclose your disability to a date. Some people suggest waiting a while for people to get to know you. Others, including myself, recommend doing it right away, even in the dating profile. Ultimately, like with anything on this podcast, you need to do you. But for the purpose on today’s chat, we’re going to talk about the pros of disclosing either in a dating profile or soon after you are in contact with a potential date.Disclosing Can Be EmotionalDisclosing, telling a potential date about your disability, can be an emotional issue for many. People often fear judgments and rejection if they share disability information too soon. It’s all very understandable. Your disability is part of who you are. In many cases, there is no “hiding” its presence. If another person is going to have a problem with it, wouldn’t you want to know that upfront? This doesn’t mean that you need to share everything right away. It means that you share your disability, in the same way, you may share about your looks. How to DiscloseYour date takes the cue from you about how to view your disability. If you describe it in a positive way, they are likely to see it that way too. Try these different ways of how to disclose and talk about your disability as you do so: Talk about how your disability shapes who you are. This lets your potential date understand how your disability is an important part of you. Statements such as "My disability has made me the person I am," is great to use.Talk about the person you are and the things you like and do while possibly incorporating your disability. Statements such as "I cruise all over in my wheelchair," says that you're an active person who likes to get out and happens to use a wheelchair.Talk about your disability related interests and activities. This can be a subtle way of sharing about your disability if you talk about what groups you may be involved with, such as a self-advocacy group.Invite questions and conversation about your disability. Use statements such as "Feel free to ask me questions about it." This sends the message that you’re comfortable with yourself and your disability and this attribute will put others at ease. It also demonstrates a trait that most people are drawn to – a sense of empathy. Where Do We Go From Here? Disclosing a disability and at what point you do so is something that only you can determine based on your comfort level. My advice is to disclose pretty early on so that you aren’t wasting time with people who won’t get to know you simply because you live with a disability.Practice disclosing to yourself, family, and friends. Get comfortable with disclosing.Access the download that goes with this episode. It will help guide you through the benefits of disclCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

In my Dating, Relationships, and Disability framework I talk about the Power to Attract, which is when you begin focusing on how you are attractive (in all ways - physically, emotionally, personality, etc) and how your disability adds to who you are, you will draw others to you that will think the same. You are completely in control of this.Why the Power to Attract is so important? People with disabilities can often feel like they’re not attractive enough due to the differences caused by their disability.The Power to Attract relates directly to one's recognition and ability to bring forth their strengths and most endearing qualities of oneself.Your sense of attraction is another core belief about yourself.You attract others because of much more than your looks.You attract people to you because of your inner qualities - your personality, how you treat others, your perspective on the world, etc.The most influential factor that can either promote or hinder one's sexuality is people's ability to own their Power to Attract.This is your ability to attract others to you.It is completely up to you how much you shine your Power to Attract.Thoughts/Beliefs That Strengthen Your Power to AttractBelieving that you and only you decide how attractive you are. Your attractiveness is independent of the opinions of others.Believing that others will be drawn to your positive qualities and how you handle the challenges you face.Believing there is someone out there wanting to date you. It sometimes helps to imagine someone, an actual person, out there wanting to meet you and spend time with you.Where Do We Go From Here? Focus and believe in ALL you have to offer to a relationship. When people are dating, they are looking for what others have to offer and not what they lack.You want to attract people who see your disability as an asset, not a drawback.You want to attract people who see your disability as an asset, not a drawback.Your disability is most likely with you for life, you’re going to want someone who will see it as part of you and part of your Power to Attract.ResourcesTell us what you want to hear in the Podcast Survey.Free download - How to Cultivate Your Power to Attract CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

If you’re listening to this around the time it’s published, it is the holiday season and if you’re single, you may be having a hard time with feeling lonely and longing to be with someone. You are not alone. I recently asked a group of single people with disabilities about their feelings during the holidays. Their responses included wondering why they are still single, missing loved ones, and wanting someone to cuddle by the fire with.I remember feeling so lonely for many years during the holiday season as I gathered with family and friends who were all creating families of their own. These are all very human, very understandable responses. This episode is about how to cope with these feelings and how to actually use them for your benefit.Acknowledge How You FeelMany times when you’re feeling hard emotions like loneliness and longing, it can help significantly to just acknowledge how you feel. Now you may think “Why would I want to admit feeling sad or despair from not having anyone in my life?” Facing your feelings like this can actually provide an emotional release because you’re no longer pretending they don’t exist or pushing the feelings down.It’s helpful to remember an emotion is part of you, but not all of you. Don’t be afraid of emotions overtaking you, they won’t. Most emotions, when we’re really present to them and feel them, they only last 90 seconds.It’s also helpful that you don’t judge yourself for having such emotions. Be gentle with yourself, especially when you’re having a hard time. Few things can make you feel worse than judgment on top of a challenging emotion.Use How You Feel for Fuel Looking back on my single years and the loneliness I felt during the holidays, one of the most important things I did is use my feelings to motivate me to continue taking risks to put myself out there to date and meet someone.I wanted that vision of waking up with my own family and cuddles by the fire. How can you take your struggle with being single this holiday season and all the feelings that come with it to help propel you further toward that vision you have for yourself.Where Do We Go From Here? Use what you’re struggling with and feeling to make the changes you want.Just because you're this holiday season, doesn’t mean you won’t be next. To help you, this week I have a choice of three downloads to help you with getting through being single during the holidays. You can download one or all three. They are:The 3, 2, 1 plan, which was the download related to Episode 9. A quick review of it is you choose three affirmations for yourself to help grow your dating confidence. You pick two beliefs about either yourself, your disability, or your mindset about relationships that need an overhaul. Then you’re going to decide on one action you’re goinCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

This week we’re talking about what I think is the most important piece of DRD framework for getting results, Taking Action. Yes, actually taking all that you desire for dating and relationships and doing something, even taking risks and possibly failing at times, but moving forward toward what you want.  This is important for you to hear: I think most people have a hard time initiating dating, or as I say, putting yourself out there. It’s scary and awkward and who wants to feel that?But What Else Are You Going To Do?Think about this, if you’re not taking any action to try to meet people and date, what else are you going to do to get what you want? The love of your life is not going to show up on your doorstep.What is one small thing you do to get yourself in the dating mode? Tell a friend you’re ready to date and to keep her in mind among her friends. Check out various dating apps. Join a new group or volunteer activity as a way of meeting new people.Whatever it is, do something to move from dreaming about dating and relationships to doing.Remember to Work on Your Beliefs While You Take Action If you listen to episodes 4 and 5 we talk about positive beliefs about yourself and about ways to build dating confidence. You really need to continue this mental work while you take action. The believing and the doing go hand in hand.Chances are you may take action to date while you feeling scared and vulnerable. This is totally normal. Rely on your positive thoughts and increasing confidence in these moments.Tell yourself you have what it takes and then go and do it.Where Do We Go From Here? Now that you decided, okay I actually do need to do something about dating, organize yourself and your plan to date.I’m going to recommend the 3,2, 1 plan for you and here how it goes. You’re going to choose three affirmations for yourself to help grow your dating confidence. You’re going to next pick two beliefs about either yourself, your disability, or your mindset about relationships that need an overhaul. Then you’re going to decide on one action you’re going to take to get in the dating scene.ResourcesPodcast SurveyFree download - 3, 2, 1 PlanCreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

This week I have my first guest on the show, Pam Malin, from Disability Rights Wisconsin. Pam is an Advocacy Specialist and a Project Coordinator and has been working for decades to promote healthy relationships for people with disabilities.We talk about people need to speak up and advocate for their rights for healthy relationships.Pam talks about how her interest in healthy relationships began after learning about the high statistics of abuse among people with disabilities.The issue of guardianship as a partnership is introduced through a story that Pam shares.We talk about the need for people to have access to information as a means for making good decisions.How society can change and grow to further accept people with disabilities as relationship partners is discussed. Pam mentions how society needs specific examples of people breaking through barriers.Isolation continues to be a barrier to people making connections.The issue of safety online is also discussed. Where Do We Go From Here? Finding a support network is crucial.Society has to learn to view people with disabilities as sexual beings.ResourcesPodcast Survey to provide feedback on what you would like to see in future episodes.Contact Kathy O’Connell at [email protected] if you’re interested in joining the Healthy Relationship working group that she and Pam run.Learn more about Pam at Disability Rights Wisconsin. https://disabilityrightswi.org/CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

This week we’re discussing the last part of the DRD framework, developing problem strategies for being in relationship. When a relationship happens, it’s not all rainbows and sunshine. The ability to problem solve in dating and relationships is essential.  Sometimes when problems emerge in a relationship, we feel scared and vulnerable. We may feel we’re inadequate or we’re being rejected.  Sometimes we react by shutting down and that can destroy our relationship when in reality we may just have to develop our problem solving muscle.What’s A Problem Solving Muscle?All relationships have issues. A good relationship is not about having few problems but how well two people work through the problems they have.Especially if you’re new to relationships, it’s helpful to keep in mind that problem solving is a skill that we develop by using it, much like a muscle.You begin to develop this skill, build this muscle, like you get good at everything else - by practice.The Basic Relationship SkillsFor simplicity, let’s look at the two fundamental skills of problem solving, particular in relationships - communicating and listening.  If you can do these well, it will save you a lot of heartache in relationships when problems arise.For listening, the key, and I’m saying this as much to myself as I am to all of you, is to shut up, close your mouth, mute yourself on zoom if needed. Just take in what another is saying to you without feeling the need to put in your two cents.For communicating and in order to clearly communicate, check in with yourself first to really understand what you’re thinking and feeling before you communicate your concern to another. Where Do We Go From Here? This may sound counterintuitive, but I’d like you to consider embracing problems in relationships and building up your confidence that you can effectively handle them.Practice strengthening that problem solving muscle with people in your life now, whether they’re family, friends, coworkers, or the person you’re in relationship with.See problems not so much as a threat to a relationship but an opportunity to work through a block in the relationship that could be making it better.ResourcesPodcast SurveyFree download - 3 Fundamental Skills for Relationship Success CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Sometimes we can get so focused on the dating side of things, trying to attract someone, and trying to find the right person, we forget about the other 80% of work that comes from dating and relationships. That’s right 80% and that’s just my very rough, unresearched estimation of the amount of energy and skill involved in maintaining a relationship. This week we talk about the third component of the DRD framework - what to do when you have a relationship and how to nurture it.Relationships 101Naturally, there’s a lot of ground to cover with relationships in general and more so when one lives with a disability. That’s why I created this podcast, so we can take a deeper dive into it all.Let’s begin with the basics - do you like them and they like you? It seems like a nobrainer, but there’s many couples who are together because one person showed an interest and/or it’s just convenient.And if you like to just be with them, have you considered if they meet your criteria for a partner. You do have a criteria, don’t you?Relationship Criteria Acknowledgement that sometimes you may just want to date and have fun without thinking about it becoming too serious.But when you are looking for something a little more serious, do you first consider what you’re looking for in both a relationship and a partner? You know, are there enough things in common to enjoy together when the infatuation wears off? Do they have enough of the same values as you as a person? Let’s take a very broad example. Often people who, let’s say, are more expansive in their thinking and approach to people may have a challenging time being in an intimate relationship with someone who is more structured and categorize in their thinking. How about that for being diplomatic?Once you gotten to know someone, do you then ask yourself do they meet your criteria for what you’re looking for?Where Do We Go From Here? This podcast is called Dating, Relationships, and Disability for a reason. I’ve always said that I just don’t want PWD to date. I want them to have happy, healthy and fulfilling relationships.If you’re out there dating and you’re unclear about what you want in a relationship, please, please download the guide in the show notes on having a relationship vision. Now, it will seem like a silly exercise, but it’s so helpful in you getting clear about what you’re looking for in a partner. The guide helps you focus on what qualities in another person you want to attract to you. Provide an example.Trust me, this exercise is so helpful. I would read it daily for years. Yes, dating involves time and patience. But my husband has so many of the qualities I wrote about nearly ten years before I met him.ResourcesPoCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

This week we’re talking about the second core principle, or table leg, to my DRD framework- dating confidence. I hear frequently, and I felt this way also when I was single,   “I’m pretty confident in general, but when it comes to dating, it’s another story.”Why is it the dating scene feels so much different than other areas of our lives? One word - vulnerability.Dating and relationships add this extra special layer of vulnerability when we’re in them that can affect confidence.Confidence and Vulnerability The two can coexist and can actually be strengthened by one another.If you want to dive more deeply into the topic of vulnerability, I recommend reading or watching anything by Brene Brown. She has a treasure chest of wisdom on vulnerability. One of them being “What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.”I believe the best way to grow dating confidence is to actually acknowledge how vulnerable you feel. It’s often when we fight against our vulnerability that it weakens our confidence because we’re spending so much mental energy defending against feeling vulnerable.Growing Dating Confidence Begin by taking some action. Look we can talk about confidence all we want, but we need to combine it with taking some type of action. It can be small. Check out a dating app, share with a friend you’re thinking about dating, make eye contact and smile at someone you find attractive.Replace those negative messages you give yourself, you know the ones that tend to tear down your confidence, with more positive ones. Love on yourself. See Ep 4.When you don’t feel confident, ask yourself, “If I were to feel confident in this moment, how would I think, feel and act?” And then do so. It’s not faking it, it’s practicing.Where Do We Go From Here? You’ll hear me say repeatedly here that much of the work of DRD begins with you. Yes, you listening while you get dress, wait for a ride, or much away on the rest of the Oreo cheesecake in the fridge. You, who longs for companionship, love and good sex. People can support and cheer you on in growing dating confidence, but at the end of the day, you have to make the commitment to yourself to foster your own confidence.If you’re struggling with doing so, reach out for professional help. There are a sea of wonderful counselors out there who can really work with you to grow and nurture your confidence.ResourcesPodcast SurveyFree download - 10 STATEMENTS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE FOR DATING WITH A DISABILITYCreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.comCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

This week I begin to break down the four table legs, so to speak, on the DRD framework - believing in yourself.It’s certainly the hardest part of getting the whole dating and relationship piece to get nailed down.I believe mastering this will attract others to you more than looks, money, or what you’re able to do.Exactly what does it mean to believe in yourself?Sometimes believing in yourself - and I mean really believing to your unshakeable core - can take a while. It’s more than saying affirmations, although those help. It’s about knowing and staying with your worth IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY.This is what I experienced in the first date I had with my husband. Listen to Episode 1. He was clearly uncomfortable with me as a PWD, but I didn’t allow that to sway me from feeling worthy, knowing my potential, and communicating that.How do you cultivate a POSITIVE belief in yourself?May sound counterintuitive, but you have to first look at what beliefs are holding you back and keeping you from believing more positively in yourself?Really look at these beliefs and ask, are they helping me get to where I want to be. Challenge your own thinking.Focus on the positives in yourself. Look would you go in a job interview thinking well, I suck at this, why would anyone hire me? No, you sell yourself and your assets! The same is true in dating.Where Do We Go From Here? Believe, believe, believe.Your mind is a computer that needs to be reprogrammed. Get those nasty viruses out of there. You begin this by catching yourself every time you have a negative belief about yourself. Say, “I don’t have time for this,” and choose a more positive thought/belief.ResourcesPlease take the Podcast Survey to share what you would love to hear on the show. Free download - 5 Beliefs for Successful Dating CreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

One of my overarching career goals is that people with disabilities (PWD) are seen more potential dating and relationship partners. What does this mean? For the Dating Relationships Disability (DRD) work I do, there’s the micro goal of the work I do with PWD to help them become more confident in dating and relationships, but then there’s the macro goal of changing the HEARTS (notice I didn’t say minds) of society so there is acceptance of the potential that PWD have to be dating and relationship partners.Opening Your Own Mind If we want others to open their hearts to us as dating and relationships partners, we have to begin by opening our own damn minds to that thought.We can’t expect others to believe what we don’t believe for ourselves.Invitation to consider what beliefs are holding you back from this.Who would want to be with me?I’m not attractive.It’s too hard to be with me.Then Work on Their HeartsOnce you can begin to open your mind - you don’t need to believe all the way - you can then work on changing hearts.While we of course want to change people’s thinking, we ultimately want people to open their hearts to us.When the heart is open, when they call see ALL of us - person and disability - then they can begin to love us, which is the basis for an intimate partnership. Where Do We Go From Here?You’ll hear me compare sexual ableism (see Episode 2) a lot to racism on here because I think the comparison is very tangible for us who see racism as flawed way of thinking.When you’re a member of a race that is marginalized, you don’t think “Oh yeah, they’re right, I am inferior to them.” Rather, you may believe to your core in your equality and be mystified and angry why people treat you otherwise.The way to begin to transform sexual ableism is to hold that vision of how we want things to be - we want to be viewed as potential dating and relationship partners.ResourcesPodcast SurveyFree download - Rising Above Sexual AbleismCreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Just what is Sexual Ableism and why should I care about it?Definition and ExamplesWhat is it - Sexual ableism is a system of beliefs that beliefs that discriminate against people with disabilities in dating, intimacy, and relationships, suggesting the very presence of a disability implies inferiority.Sampling of Ableistic Beliefs Toward SexualityProjections of people with disabilities as being “fragile” or “a potential victim.”Perceived need from caregivers to “protect” people from relationships, or at the very least, being “supervised.”A continued perpetuated myth that people with disabilities are asexual.Mistaken belief that people with disabilities have less to offer in relationships.False belief that people with disabilities generally get into unhealthy and unbalanced relationships.All of these beliefs perpetuate sexual ableism and keep people with disabilities isolated and lonely. The pain has to stop. People with disabilities need to take their rightful place as sexual – and sexy – beings.How Sexual Ableism ManifestsIn a dating survey, these are some of the ways people with disabilities report as barriers to dating as a result of sexual ableism:I’ll be rejected.I don’t have enough confidence.I’m concerned about someone accepting my disability.I don’t believe I’m attractive enough.I’m afraid to be a burden to someone.How this was true in my life because I bought into sexual ableism and didn’t date for many years.Where We Go From HereOnce we can identify sexual ableism, we can then begin to call it out. As we talk about it more, we can then begin to transform it.“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” ~Margaret MeadResources for this episode:Dating Survey for people with disabilities Download guide: Rising Above Sexual AbleismCreditsMusic by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork photo by ElevateCheck out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate

Learn about the awkward, uncomfortable date that changed me and my life. It set me on the path of developing the Dating, Relationship, and Disability framework.Dating, Relationships, and Disability offers strategies, encouragement, and mindset tips on dating with a disability. Episodes feature guidance and practical advice on how to navigate sexual ableism, focus on your power to attract, and develop happy and healthy relationships.The basic principles of Dating, Relationships, and Disability are: People with disabilities (PWD) make great dating and relationship partners. If you have the desire to date and be in a relationship, it’s there for a reason. Listen to it. Dating and relationships with a disability can certainly be a challenge, but totally possible. Self esteem and confidence are so influential in dating and relationship success.  This is a journey. It's not about just “getting” a partner, but really owning who you as PWD, recognizing your own worth (even when others don’t). It’s also about changing how society views us as potential partners.Tell us what topics and guests you would like to hear about Dating, Relationships, and Disability.  Submit your ideas in the Podcast Survey.Please take a couple minutes and leave us a REVIEW of the show. Thanks so much! Never heard of sexual ableism? Join me next week to learn how to recognize it and rise above it. Credits Music by: https://www.purple-planet.com "Successful Motivation"Artwork by Elevate Check out our Dating Memberships:Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more. Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more. Music by Successful Motivation | Artwork photo by Elevate