Date Your Wife

In This Week's Podcast….SEX Point #1: Seduction and Sex In the conversation of seduction, Danielle shares how seducing Garrett can be as simple as her walking through the room wearing some cute, lace panties or slowly undressing, whereas seeing Garrett confident and in his element is far more seductive and sexy to her than watching him prance around in a thong. Doing your business in private vs doing it with the door wide open proves to be a spicy topic. When playing the game, "Things That Guarantee You Will Not Get Laid," the friend zone, tampons, hairy ass cheeks, and the naggy bitch mode top the list. QUESTION: What tops your couple's list of Things That Guarantee You Will Not Get Laid? Point #2: Tracking and Lacking Back when their marriage was a shit show, Danielle thought the only reason Garrett was helping out was to get laid, which was actually true. He felt he had earned sex because of all of the things he was doing for her. She noticed the difference in his energy and attitude when they had sex vs when she withheld sex from him. Garrett found himself in an isolation and desperation game while tracking how much sex they weren't having. As a man having been successful in breaking the codes in his businesses, Garrett was trying to figure out how to break his wife's code, hoping his gifts to her would result in a blow job for him. Danielle was pissed because he was tracking, Garrett was pissed because she was lacking. QUESTION: In what ways is your relationship similar to their "shit show" years? Point #3: The Leverage Game A man tends to leverage money and power to get sex, whereas a woman will leverage sex to get the power she wants. Garrett felt hurt and angry for being rejected sexually, while Danielle continually had her guard up and felt like she was always walking on eggshells. Garrett's constant challenge became: When is my wife going to want me? He began strategizing, which backfired and began killing the attraction between them. Danielle was watching from the sidelines and figured he was a ticking time bomb. QUESTION:How are you playing the Leverage Game in your marriage? Point #4: Men: Take the Sexual Victim Card Off the Table Although Danielle and Garrett existed in a space better than war, it wasn't victory - it was a place where he needed to get laid and she wanted peace in the house. Sex became awkward. When men become more powerful in business, they also become more sexually charged. Being completely consumed with the frustration, anger, fear and doubt around this topic of sex and constantly being rejected, Garrett became a sexual victim. As a married man 100% committed to his wife, until he could stop the war between he and Danielle, he began neutralizing the playing field by handling his needs himself via a sex tool. QUESTION: What space are you existing in as a couple? Point #5: Submit and Surrender While Danielle agreed she was being a bitch about withholding sex, Garrett admits he was being a dick and complete asshole withholding time and energy from her. He would deliberately set up situations for Danielle to fail so he could feel like he had control. Garrett remembers the day he submitted to the reality that Danielle needed him to show up and give a shit as a husband and as a lover, even if he wasn't getting laid; that he could cuddle and be ok with it. He was going to direct all of his energy towards her, not hold her hostage anymore, and that by giving her space he would show her that he wanted her as a person - beyond her body - and that he was ALL IN. QUESTION: What are the ways you hold your spouse hostage? What behaviors could you let go of that would be a game changer in your relationship? Communication Challenge: Talk about and demonstrate the ways you love being seduced by each other. Date Night Topic: Do you use Garrett's formula of TTF? Or a different formula? Talk about the formulas that work for you in your marriage. Quote of the Week: "You became unattractive to me because you wouldn't put out. People would look at us as this attractive couple, and I was like fuck that. I've got a g*ddamn frozen ice block barbie in a box goin' on. I don't get to touch it - nothing! It's like a doll that I get to look at. I'm like a dog on a leash that's held just past where the hamburger is sitting and I'm not ever getting it; and if I do take a bite, I get beat with a fuckin' stick." --Garrett J White "I looked like a total bitch [while] you were off [doing your own thing] - you weren't with the kids, you weren't with me, and now you're this man of the year. But there were strings attached and no woman feels safe if there's fucking strings attached. You showed up but you still held this key of 'I'll show her.' You promote me, you talk about me, you say I'm your Queen - so show me! Come over to my side and show me what you're preaching is true. If you believe in me, if you believe in my business, if you believe in my vision, then jump on board with me!" . --Danielle White

In This Week's Podcast....COMMUNICATION Point #1: Communication in Marriage is the Glue Between Sex, Money, and Kids Garrett and Danielle have not always been on the same page as a couple. For many years they each wondered if their marriage would survive the incessant fights and battles that had become the status quo and mode of communication in their relationship. Danielle learned how to confront and listen to her feelings, communicate, stand up for herself and voice what she was feeling to match Garrett's strong personality. Garrett struggled with telling the truth and sharing what he was feeling because he felt unsafe in doing so with Danielle. QUESTION: How do you and your spouse communicate with each other? Does it create a safe zone or a war zone? Point #2: The Game of Collision Danielle grew up in a non-communicating and non-hugging family, although she instinctively knew her parents loved her. Garrett's family was very touchy-feely and were encouraged to speak openly and freely about what they were feeling and thinking. Hugs and 'I love you' were the norm. It was a downright hug fest. Garrett wanted to share his 42 gallons of feelings with Danielle, but her tiny thimble couldn't hold that space for him. She wasn't taught how to communicate and was feeling overwhelmed, which caused her to unknowingly push him away to create breathing space for herself. QUESTION: What types of communication styles did you and your spouse experience in your families? How has this affected the way you communicate in your marriage? Point #3: Show Up and Pay Attention While dating, Danielle and Garrett could talk for hours and hours. After marriage, the filters came off, the grind of daily life set in, and they eventually found themselves drifting into roommate status. There was no connection and no viable communication. His unspoken message that business came first rang out loud and clear to Danielle. Garrett didn't spend a lot of time seducing Danielle, nor did he pay attention to the needs of his young bride of 20. He was in the work and grind mode which benefited them, yet in the process, he ignored her. He wanted to feel connected to Danielle through sex, touching, and talking - yet that was a complete turn off to her because of their lack of connection and how he wasn't showing up for her. QUESTION: How do you show up for your spouse? Point #4: What You Focus On, Expands The loss of their spark, trust, and financial stability, coupled with the demise of their communication, created a very difficult environment for them as a couple. They graduated from not communicating at all, to all out fighting mode in every conversation. They wanted to spend time with other people, rather than with each other. Garrett was receiving emotional fulfillment by having conversations with his female clients and coworkers. During this time in 2010, while pregnant with their second child, Danielle stopped looking to Garrett as the source of her happiness and breadwinner, and instead began looking within herself with new found courage to speak freely and to take on life - without him, if necessary - which resulted in the birth of her business. That was also the beginning of the turning point in their marriage. QUESTION: Where do you put your energy and focus? How is it enhancing or detracting from your relationship? Point #5: A Threesome Will Help You Keep Your Game On Point Upon discovering their different Love Languages, Garrett learns he has been giving Danielle what he wants to receive, rather than what she wants and needs. Couples and individual therapy enabled them to get past the triggers and blowing up stage, while keeping them inside the fight and conversation. Garrett shares that therapy and third party conversations are what saved their marriage. Danielle advises: Be real about your feelings during therapy - even if it means arguing in front of the therapist or spontaneously jumping up and doing burpees and push ups. QUESTION: Are you giving your spouse what you want to receive, or are you giving them what they want and need? Communication Challenge: Begin discovering your love languages and take action on giving to your spouse what they want and need. Date Night Topic: Engage in the conversation with your spouse about starting therapy together. Quote of the Week: "The thing that saves our marriage more than anything, is Date Night. It's the simplest part of the form of the game in restoring communication, connection, passion, fashion, love, and everything else inside of marriage." --Garrett J White "A lot of time with the love languages, it's not your love language, but you get to cross that boundary to get your own fucking love language met. I used to say, 'I don't want to do this. It's not me. It's not how I was raised.' I learned quickly that if I want my needs met, I have to serve him - and vice-versa." --Danielle White http://dateyourwifenow.com

In This Week's Podcast....PARENTING Point #1: Understanding Parenting from Paper Routes, Serving Tables, and Spankings The way in which we all parent is stemmed from our childhood experiences, shaping our approaches to parenting, where Danielle learned about taking care of others through serving tables briefly as a teen to Garrett wanting make money of his own so he found begin getting up early and doing a paper route. When it came to discipline, Danielle was threatened but didn't experience a lot of follow through while Garrett would get spanked with a paddle. QUESTION: What kind of discipline did you experience as a child? How has it shaped the kind of parenting you choose now? Point #2: Choosing to Have Kids...Until We Pass Out Danielle always wanted to have lots of kids and looks forward to creating that bond and unity with them, but Garrett has always been more of a baby lover, even though he passed out during the birth of their second child. For him, parenting is something that he always looked forward to because it gave him a chance to raise children with his own parenting style and technique, helping them shape themselves through his stewardship. QUESTION: Why did your parents have you? Why do you choose to have children? Point #3: Navigating Dates Amongst the Chaos There are elements within Garrett's life that only became defined after becoming a father, believing that having children with Danielle forced them to find each other. They manage the chaos through regular date nights, which is also the whole reason behind the podcast getting formed, taking the time to find purpose within each other and not solely in the kids. QUESTION: How do you navigate parenting and still remain connected as a couple? Point #4: Purpose Beyond Children and Partner We have to have a purpose beyond our spouse and children, then take it to the next level by remaining committed to each other and then the kids, in that order. Even though there's a sense of ownership in the form of controlling our kids, it comes down to paving the way for them through our own personal approach with life, but realizing that we don't own our kids and allow them to make their own choices. QUESTION: What order are you putting yourself, your relationship with your spouse and the commitment you have with your children? Point #5: No More Love to Be Found Requires Time Outs for Parents For Danielle, she's continually trying to figure things out, and has found that she need to put herself in a time out to clear the guilt for losing her cool, reminding herself that she's the adult and everyone else needs to be separated to their own space. For Garrett, he would rather go to battle to fight for love, and shares a text that he sent to his daughter after their latest battle, stating, "I love you no matter what." This is a Challenge for the rest of the week. QUESTION: What do you do when you don't want to love your kids and be the parent anymore? Parenting Challenge: Begin stating, "I love you no matter what" with your spouse and especially your children, showing that you want to let them know that you love them regardless of the struggles and wins in their life; they are loved for being themselves. Date Night Topic: Plan Date Night and then tell your spouse what it is you planned, not being offended if they want to do something else. Quote of the Week: "There is a whole aspect of being a human being that we cannot find without having children of our own. Having children together forced us as a couple to actually find each other. We do this in the following order: 1) Take care of yourself, 2) Date your spouse, and 3) love on your kids to have strong relationships at home. The purpose of my role as a father is to teach and train my children how to take care of themselves and be a contributing member in society." --Garrett J White "We've got to pave a way for our children but that doesn't mean that we necessarily control everything that they do. I remember with our youngest daughter as she was gaining her own personality and independence being so worried that something was wrong with her, only to hear clearly a Voice within me state, 'She was never yours to lose.' After that, I realized that I can try to influence them, but to become a good parent it's more about not stressing out than trying to be in control of them." --Danielle White http://dateyourwifenow.com

In This Week's Podcast....MONEY Point #1: Having Expensive Tastes In Which Money Matters Money causes a ton of chaos within marriage, which will make or break the relationship, forcing you to deal with your spouse on a whole new level. Danielle was raised by entrepreneurs that focused on having a home that was up to date and something to have pride in, while to Garrett having a lot of money was unattainable unless you were a doctor with a swimming pool in your backyard, like a kid he remembers from school. QUESTION: What kind of background were you raised in that has effected the way in which you approach your outlook on money within marriage? Point #2: The War of Spending Money Danielle spent money because she wanted to experience life, but for Garrett, money was about spending money on business, which he still struggles with, as they throw each other under the bus in how they spend money. According to Danielle is being a selective cheap bastard until her perspective of her role as a Stylist rather than a Hobbyist she was able to change. QUESTION: If you could throw your spouse under the bus, what do you think they struggle with when it comes to spending money? Point #3: ATMs and Porn Stars Garrett felt like the only way he had value was if he made money, and therefore when he makes money Danielle should put out for sex any time he wants. Women want to feel safe and secure, so it becomes hard to have sex with him when he's no longer attractive as the Producer, and the man in the relationship doesn't feel like he's providing value to the relationship because of this role as well, in which his balls get cut off mentally. QUESTION: What does being a Producer do to bring out the sexual dynamic within marriage? Point #4: Learning from What Didn't Work: The Cancun Contract With the Cancun Contract, it was 3 for 3: 3 Gifts for 3 sex sessions which led to feeling more like they were purchasing prostitution in an attempt to give their marriage a shot at what would work for them based off of their own love languages for 3 weeks, learning that using money as a manipulator didn't work but ended to bigger breakthroughs later on. Garrett learned to invest because he wanted his wife to be happy, looking at money as a tool, not an asset by shifting his wife towards being the asset, showing that Danielle matters to him. QUESTION: Where can you invest in your spouse with no strings attached, investing in experiences with your spouse and family? Where do you still need to give yourself permission to receive without guilt? Point #5: I Want You To Want To Hold yourself to a higher standard in order to push your spouse to become more, believing in them more than they believe in themselves. At one point, Garrett made the huge realization that sometimes the man is the ATM, and you need to be OK with it because it shows that she is worth the investment. Danielle is a producer on her own, but she wanted him to want to be a man in seeing the value in investing in her. Now, they have both surrendered and invested in each other. QUESTION: How can a woman powerfully support and invest emotionally in her husband to encourage him to become a bigger producer? Date Night Topic: What improvements can be made in regards to the topic of money? Quote of the Week: "I was raised to feel that you could get whatever you wanted in life if you are willing to work, but no one was going to save you. I didn't know that I could want anything more than what I had. I learned that I needed to demonstrate in my marriage that my wife is worth spending money on and worth the investment." --Garrett J White "If you want to be treated like a Queen, you've got to treat your man like a King. Women need to own their part and let go of the guilt when your husband invests in you. Stop getting stuck in the stories that your man isn't fulfilling you, and realize that you may not be fulfilling his needs. If he's putting in effort, take the gifts he's giving you and see how it feels to then harmonize in fulfilling his needs." --Danielle White ___________________________ http://dateyourwifenow.com

In this Week's Episode.... Point #1: Middle Initials to Segue into the Background of Taboo Sex Garrett and Danielle share their backstories behind sex, not having sex with each other until marriage due to a strict Christian religious background. Regardless of the type of approach that both were taught, they found that they discovered sex together, creating a rhythm with each other, taking a very different approach with their own children. QUESTION: Which parent should be having the talk with their children? Should it be gender specific? Point #2: Surrendering to Tough Conversations About Sex in Marriage Even after marriage, the topic of sex isn't always the easiest conversation to have, especially when approaching it from a male and female perspective, not understanding the reason behind why one partner wants or doesn't want sex. There's a sense of entitlement that puts a tension in the relationship until there's a level of comfort to own your own shit and be more chilled out about what it is that you want, respecting the other's differing views at the same time. QUESTION: Do you find it's hard to talk about sex with your spouse? Why? Point #3: The Magical Formula Garrett would go into pouty asshole mode to become standoffish after not having the entitlement of sex that he expects to come with marriage to also be felt by Danielle. Her solution after a decade of rejection was that porn star sex is necessary every 3rd time they have sex, spending time to connect with each other on a deeper level without feeling like it has to happen every single time they wanted to connect. QUESTION: What needs do you think your partner feels is necessary for you? What do you think their needs are? Challenge of the Week: Danielle's Tip for Women: Find your magical formula in which everyone is happy. Garrett's Tip for Men: The story you're telling yourself about how your wife sees sex may be simply that: a story. You're going to have to change your story and investigate it to give you the tools that you need to have a better approach to get what you want. Quote of the Day: "Every couple has their formula to combat against the rejection factor that inevitably comes within marriage, and I could see that Garrett was putting in the effort the way that he knew how, which came to a willingness to go all in. If you have really good sex, they're not thinking about porn or another woman but they're thinking about YOU, putting their focus on having a good time." --Danielle K White http://dateyourwifenow.com

In Today's Podcast.... Point #1: Detailed Eyes As we dive into the first inaugural episode of the Date Your Wife podcast with Garrett and Danielle White, the conversation instantly goes to the difference between men and women when looking at themselves. The purpose of this podcast is to help people gain a better perspective on who they are as individuals and what they've gone through as a couple. Point #2: Getting On the Same Page Between struggles of sex, money and children, communication in general wasn't always where it is now. They first met at a Mormon church function in Orem, Utah where the first impression for Danielle was of Garrett being super loud. Point #3: The Person You Notice Later Garrett had randomly showed up at Danielle's apartment after his cousin called dibs, dating for the following two years, breaking up around nine times before deciding to get married. Both crazy attracted to the crazy within each other, they realized that they couldn't do life with out each other. Point #4: Sex, Money and Kids Waiting to have sex until marriage, having a very strict upbringing in the Mormon culture, it was always a hard topic to discuss, which is why it's the first topic that will be discussed in the upcoming episode. Skipping right to the topic about childbearing, when it comes to pushing out a baby, it's the euphoria of accomplishing something extremely hard, and there's a lot of things in parenting that she's constantly beating herself up about. Point #5: Guilty Parenting & Raised with as well as without Money As a working mom, there's this continual guilt that comes from balancing the mom role with the career, there's an internal plugging in that moms have compared to dad. Garrett was raised with a very different upbringing compared to how Danielle was raised economically, though both of them were raised with the mentality to work for the money they earn, in which Danielle saw beyond the upbringing and saw that Garrett had a gentleman's way about him. Point #6: Sealing the Deal After Rebuilding from Pain Communication was what became the strongest part of their marriage, which is what started their relationship to building up Danielle's hair industry so she could leave Garrett, considering a lot of options when life lacked the needed communication. A large part of the show is about learning how to rebuild the relationship beyond the pain, wanting to bring strength to other couples based off of their own experiences within their own relationship, becoming a show that can be relatable to both men and women. ______________________________ QUOTE OF THE DAY: "If you can build something for yourself, you will become ten times more powerful with your spouse. I had insights even when we were struggling that we were far better achieving success together than we could ever do alone." --Danielle K White "One of the keys that Danielle and I found in bringing our relationship back to power, dating it what restored our relationship. We were not in a good place at all, knocking on the door of divorce until we decided to go on weekly date nights." -Garrett J White http://dateyourwifenow.com