Daily Mail

Financial Dominatrix makes thousands torturing men online, the KKK wants to rebrand, Scottish chick wins Miss Hitler 2016, first death in an autopilot car comes as driver was watching Harry Potter, brawl erupts at Dallas taco joint because of chips and dip

Woman kills her husband and feeds him to a dog (real nice, lady!), France legalizes protitution but not paying for prostitution, Florida dude dies in cockroach eating contest, Transgender man turns into a female and now is turning into a dragon, oh and the world is ending in a week

Chinese baby wakes up right before being cremated, goat arrested in India, Indian police are going to use slingshots, Red Lobster up 33% after Beyonce mentioned them, Florida man throws an alligator through the drive through window, drunk Wisconsin couple lets their 9 year old drive them home

Handicapping who got KFC banned on twitter, dude in Eritrea have to marry 2 women or go to jail, BK employee quits and steals all the chicken nuggets, kids die from drinking Mountain Dew mixed with gasoline, and Spanish bullfighter in hot water for bullfighting with his 5 month old.

Harry Potter has a new movie as a farting dead dude, school teaches kids about bullying by bullying them, Washington Post columnist is mad kids arent shoveling snow, Martin Shkreli talking shit to Ghostface Killah, Indian chick sets herself on fire because her family doesnt have a toilet

From trading puppies for crack to killing your cross dressing voodoo priest lover, it's an entire Florida edition of Daily Mail. Each topic ranked on a scale of 1 to 5 Floridas.

60 year old woman gets stuck in her chastity belt, NYC is installing masturbation booths on the streets, Tanzania says mini skirts causes AIDS, chicks are putting herbal balls up their VJs, North Korea says they invent hangover free alcohol

No Groundhog for Groundhog Day, ISIS chopping all their salaries in half, George Bush selling monkey parts on eBay, El Chapo caught because of tacos, and new childrens book about George Washington's slaves not going over so well

Oregon Militia gets sent a bag of dicks, dude never gets laid because he has "Henry The Hoover" tattooed above his dick, Conor MacGregor might be on the 1 Euro coin, and Science Says

Farrah Abraham and her 6 Year old vs Nicki Minaj, chick bites off Wal Mart employee's finger, bicycle thief banned from riding bikes for life, dude assualted twice after refusing to accept attacker's apology, Asian chick makes soap from her own fat after losing weight and sends the soap to his family, Cubicle Chronicles

Zuckerberg's creating a robot to raise his kid, 43 year old with the bionic dick losing his virginity to a dominatrix, Jaden Smith is modeling chick clothes because hes an asshole, Florida man crushes a kid while playing video games, Powerball winner drops 21 mil on bailing out her boyfriend 3 times, and a Marry Fuck Kill of the worst days of the year

Dude eaten by an alligator hiding from police in a pond, chick gets 34% more matches on Tinder with DD tits, first US penis transplant is about to go down, NJ gas station owner charges 2x as much for his gas and DGAF, Georgia woman puts up an ad on Craigslist for "unwanted babies"

Dude has sex with a tow bar in front of a grandmother and her granddaughter, astronaut running a marathon in space, Bud Weisser arrested for breaking into Budweiser factory, inviting kids to your birthday is now discrimination, chick stabbed at Art Basel, and Lebron now has his own font

Fifth graders try to blow up their school, mom faces jail time for letting her kid play outside, Spanish incest couple blames everyone else for ruining their relationship, Disney Dating sites, and is calling someone Gollum really considered an insult?​

The ​Cavs ban "hoverboards," Japanese porn star opens up the GROSSEST restaurant ever, deer hunting season is stripper season in Michigan, and Russian Maxim forgives famous gay people for being gay

Doctors yanked a baby's head off in India, student kicked out of school for consensual threesome, school bus driver has sex on the bus, the smartest people in the world are sarcastic, and new rules prevent Paralympians from sitting on their nutsack

Pimp facing life in prison in Florida confesses to NYC murder to come home to New York, Asshole showdown of the week: Woman who got catfished for $200,000 vs Dude who gave $718,000 to psychics, the moon may actually be a planet, Pastafarians are the worst people in the world, Angelina and Brad Pitt's movie BOMBS

cold pizza, Rumblr is a hoax, woman runs over her husband with a car over chores, Indonesia using crocodiles as prison guards, police compare sexual assault to drinking tea, kids who grow up religious are assholes

dude goes on a rampage because there was no mayo on his sandwich, Chinese kid denied treatment because his mom was wearing short shorts, blind barber suing because he was fired, toddler eats one of the most venomous snakes in the world, Chlymidia outbreak in Texas high school

The kid from Who's The Boss got AIDS from a crystal meth orgy, Furries want to have sex with Tony The Tiger, the creator of the Pop Up Ad apologizes, theres a new Transgender Beer, and kangaroo farts are apparently bad for the environment

Chicken fight turns deadly, people drinking frog juice to be better at sex, pharmacy gives out bi polar pills for Halloween candy, military fort goes into emergency mode after soldier dresses up a suicide bomber.

Dude chops off his dick because his girl cheated, apparently EVERYONE has herpes, dude finds out his son actually belongs to his twin brother that he absorbed in the womb like Dwight Schrute, police turn away a guy trying to confess to murdering his gf

Dude charged with assault during Monopoly tournament, Guatemala hires a comedian as their president, Cops now carrying nunchucks, man already camping out for Black Friday 33 days early, school locked down after man demanded to sing Justin Bieber songs to the students over the intercom

Hot dogs contain human meat, dude beats his friend to death because of the walking dead, China says poor men should share wives, cheese is addictive like drugs, people die whale watching

4 year old has a CVS themed birthday party, Jeb Bush thinks Super Girl is hot, drinking red wine is the same thing as exercising, worldwide Lego shortage, hunters accidentally kill a bunch of animals inside a zoo

Dude charged with DUI says his dog was driving, chick periscopes herself drunk driving, Steven Tyler tells Trump to stop using his music on the campaign trail, chick breaks into UFC fighter's home and shits all over his bathroom, dude gets lost in the Australian desert hunting for wild camels

Dude calls the police because he got too high, couple says KFC is the key to to their 40 year marriage, Donald Trump trolls Marco Rubio, scientists create an exercise pill, dude gives a masseuse a $5,000 tip

Babysitter has sex with the dad AND son she works for, Burger King's Halloween Whopper turns your shit green, Rihanna says Rachel Dolezal is a hero, Chuck E Cheese serving booze, reality TV gambling scandal rocks the Great Bake Off

Chick accused of vaping on a plane and flashing her tits to the passengers, dude steals his boss' car so he'd get arrested and get away from his wife, annoying couple lives like its the 1940s, chick needs her stomach removed after drinking liquid nitrogen cocktail, moms mad about slutty Halloween costumes at Party City

Trump Mad that Forbes says he's only worth $4.5 billion, Miss Italy says she'd like to live in 1942 to experience World War II, Sombreros are racist, McDonald's pickle fight, and Typhoon Dujuan rains down on China

Brooklyn dude masturbates 4,000 times to deaf video chat operators, facebook unfriending is considered workplace bullying, Florida woman hires hitman to kill a dude giving her grandkids lice, Rob Ford hosting a public bachelor party, Mexico invents their own ice bucket challenge where they all challenge each other to do coke

The Cube Monkey Pope-Effect, Nobody cares about the Muslim Stampede, PETA wants a monkey to have copyright control over his picture, dude blames his evil twin for robbing gas stations, Ohio man bites off his wife's lover's ear, more Pablo Escobar stats about how much money he made, Matthew McConaughey's brother (ROOSTER) named his own son Miller Lyte for a free year worth of beer

sexual misconduct on a playground slide, 78 year old man beat up over Costco free samples, ISIS lingerie and bandwagon terrorists, the Most Despised Man In The World, and calling out your ex's name during sex

Chick jumps out of moving car because of spider, woman with burned vagina gets a $50 coupon, the 5,000 pound baseball losers, Indian teens have to get married if they break curfew, flying kites is the dumbest thing a human can do

The American Diet will kill you, 7 Eleven introduces the smartest delivery service Ive ever heard, Iranian female soccer captain not allowed to travel because her husband says so, Helen Mirren being an annoying feminist, Oscar Meyer develops bacon dating ap

Dude kayaks in a 900 pound pumpkin, kid shoots himself in the leg for the 2nd time in 3 months, Miley Cyrus is Pansexual, BBQ festival in Kentucky turns into violent brisket assault, humans are worried about giving aliens a computer virus

Drunk bus driver cruising around Long Island on his day off, Al Qaeda says ISIS is bandwagon jihadists, dude pees all over EVERYONE on a plane, Swaggy P goes nuts outside a Dave and Busters, 400% increase in kids getting drunk off hand sanitizer

30 for 30: First Pitch, baby gets drunk as SHIT off of vodka mix up, Brooklyn College janitor moonlights as drug dealer, Playstation users watch a lot of porn, police fool terror plot at the World Pokemon Championships

Chinese people pooping in public in California, dad who was caught in bed naked with his daughter and ended up stabbing his son in law, the Texas woman with a loaded gun in her pussy, Trump says he feels like he was in the military because he went to a military academy for high school, and a Morse Code cheating scandal that will rock the very foundation of the international chess community. Plug in juice up.

Damon Wayans comes to the defense of Bill Cosby, Porn app takes ransom pictures of people, even Westboro hates Kim Davis, woman complains that less weed leads to more meth, rough weekend for Army

Teen charged with having nude pictures of his own dick, too many people are dying from selfies, millennials cant make friends, chick fakes her pregnancy, more potato chip violence

Women lose the ability to multitask after sex changes, the dude who was so freaky in the bedroom he gave his wife PTSD, the fatso who lost 50 pounds pretending to be Gandalf, science invents ice cream that doesnt melt, and German people LOVE to fuck in their cars

Man with a 19 inch penis wants to be considered disabled, Chris Christie wants to track Mexicans like Fed Ex boxes, dude from the Pogues fractures his hip trying a "complicated dance move," Japan putting porn stars on their Metro Cards, Science has found the hangover cure

Bionic penis, parents suing over Wi-Fi making their kid sick, Ashley Madison actually had ZERO chicks, an impromptu explosion on people who still try to call my cell phone, the Oxford Dicitionary is a joke, Wu Tang cant sell their $5 million album, the most naked state in the country

Chicks are "Flexi-sexual," German chick lives on a train permanently, dude arrested for drawing dicks all over Ikea, guy who paid 100k to look like Bieber has gone missing, and the actual Justin Bieber has been banned from doing live interviews

Kid in India born with 3 dicks gets surgery, couple dies in a moat after having sex on top of a fortress, dude stabbed in the neck in fight over potato chips, Chinese chick chugs a whole bottle of cognac at the airport, and woman bites subway passenger on the F train

Parenthood is scientifically the most depressing thing in the world, Israel has dolphin soldiers, India arrests a parrot, Japanese wants to advertise on the moon, and a dude poisons his son's football team

Drunk Batmen with their dicks out, a cheese maker suing PornHub, and treasure hunting in the sewers of Brooklyn are all in today's Daily Mail.

Dude assaults his brother fro eating all the Big Macs, dude chops of Japanese lawyers penis and flushes it down the toilet, Jews are fighting over the letter J, contempt of court for "liking" a girl's photo on facebook, Wheaties is coming out with beer

Trump says he'll whine until he wins, Haha > lol, Prisoners want porn, Science Says dudes like porn (Magnets, OH!) and an unfortunate Disney tweet about the atomic bombing of Nagasaki, Japan