Crafting Solutions to Conflict

Natalie McVeigh joins me to talk about her interest in the study of neuroscience of stress and conflict and how she uses what she continues to learn about human brains, emotions, and stimuli in her work with families as a coach, consultant, and mediator. And she helps to bust a few brain myths. Here are some key points Natalie made: perception is everything. When we think about conflict we should focus not on the stimuli (which can very rarely control), but on our response to stimuli. We are 100% irrational. Our beliefs follow our behavior.Natalie recommended two books by Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett: How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain andSeven and a Half Lessons About the Brain. She also mentioned Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Pillemer.Find her on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nataliemcveigh/Find Natalie at EisnerAmper here: https://www.eisneramper.com/about-us/professional-directory/natalie-mcveigh/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

My perceptions are mine and yours are yours. Nothing will change that fundamental fact. Our perceptions are – logically and inevitably – deeply affected by our experiences, assumptions, and expectations. When we see important things in deeply different ways, we have options. We can take a more positive approach.First, we can recognize and accept that we have different perceptions. Second, we can work to avoid the risk of damage to the relationship that comes with immediately assuming that our perception is necessarily better in some way than the other person’s. Third, we can be open to more deeply understanding the other person’s perceptions.We may find that one or both of us can be influenced by new information and more easily value other viewpoints. We may start to see things a little differently. Even if we don’t, we can move toward respect that these varied perceptions are present, they are unique, and they will have a vital role to play in whether disagreements become creative, good conflict or damaging, bad conflict. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Here are some free resources to learn about conflict: Association for Conflict Resolution is here: https://acrnet.org/Its Greater New York Chapter (ACR-GNY) can be found here: https://www.acrgny.org/ You can sign up for their monthly roundtable and find recordings of past roundtables there. The NYC-DR listserv has a wide range of posts. To join this listserv, or to sign up for the digest [i.e. one email daily], go to: http://listserver.jjay.cuny.edu/. To access listserv archives, go to: http://listserver.jjay.cuny.edu/archives/nyc-dr.html. Please register the first time you access the archives. For additional assistance contact the list administrator, Prof. Maria Volpe of John Jay College at: [email protected], 212-237-8693.You can find Mediate.com here: https://mediate.com/The Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School can be found here:https://www.pon.harvard.edu/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Blaine Donais joins me to talk about a different definition of “conflict”. Blaine suggests that conflict is a perceived injurious event. We break down the three parts of that phrase and what they mean in practice, particularly in the workplace. Blaine mentions some excellent resources that inform his work:“The Emergence and Transformation of Disputes: Naming, Blaming, Claiming”, article by Bill Felstiner, Rick Abel, and Austin Sarat"Social Conflict: Escalation, Stalemate, and Settlement", book by Dean Pruitt, Jeffrey Rubin,and Sung Hee Kim"Getting Disputes Resolved: Designing Systems to Cut the Costs of Conflict", book by William L. Ury, Jeanne M. Brett, and Stephen B. Goldberg"Designing Conflict Management Systems: A Guide to Creating Productive and Healthy Organizations", book by Cathy A. Costantino and Christina Sickles Merchant"Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most", book by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila HeenTo contact Blaine and learn more about his work, visit: Workplace Fairness International, https://workplacefairness.ca/ .Blaine’s June 6, 2024, online roundtable breakfast presentation for the Greater New York Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution is “The EvolvingWorld Of Workplace Conflict Management”. Register for free here:https://acrgny.org/event-5727648. Later, you can access his presentation (and many others) in the ACR-GNY roundtable archives, here: https://acrgny.org/RTB-Videos. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

When we are faced with a situation – one that isn’t a problem at all but easily could become one, or is simmering, or volcanic, or somewhere on that spectrum – we may choose to do nothing about it. That’s a choice. Denial – refusal to admit that conflict is possible or currently exists – is not the same. It’s hard to see any circumstance in which denial is a good plan. Why choose to do nothing? Maybe it’s not worth it to me to act because – on balance – the cost of doing something outweighs the cost of doing nothing. Another variation? Substitute “risk” for “cost”.If I risk nothing with my refusal to bend or even engage, heck, why would I? Inaction is a good choice. Life is dynamic. Priorities change. Perspectives evolve. And the circumstances beyond our control can move in directions we never anticipated at speeds that surprise us. We might see the costs – or risks—of inaction tipping the balance toward action. Costs or risks that can be financial, reputational, emotional, health-related, involve harm to others we care about, or appear in any number of other ways. And then, the choice to do nothing may lose its appeal.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

My most recent guest was Khara Croswaite Brindle. We talked about her book, Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey Through the Estrangement Energy Cycle. One point that came up was the ease with which we can judge other people’s choices. This can happen in various situations, including estrangements, estate planning decisions, and succession planning in a family business. They share common pitfalls. First, so often, nothing good comes from these judgements. Next, we don’t know the whole story. Finally, as was so clear in my conversation with Khara, the fact that a choice was made never guarantees that it was an easy one for the person who made it. And not that it is easy to live with. In some circumstances, it will be best to explain the basis for the decision. Even if others disagree, there is an opportunity to understand. In others, that isn’t appropriate. Either way, the rest of us can try not to judge. Or, at least, we can keep our judgments to ourselves. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Khara Croswaite Brindle joins me to talk about her book, Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey Through the Estrangement Energy Cycle. One point Khara stresses is the concept of Acknowledgement, followed by Apology, and then Action.You can learn more about her work and the book here: https://croswaitecounselingpllc.com/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

When getting into a cold pool, lake, river, or ocean, some people want to jump in and some want to ease in. It’s a personal preference and it would be hard to say that one is genuinely better than the other. Challenging conversations may be different. Easing into a tough conversation is more likely to lead to a productive talk. If someone comes at me full steam ahead, my defensive mechanisms will jump up just as fast as the other person jumps in, talking. I can avoid assumptions. I can avoid blurting, spewing, unloading …. I can genuinely listen to what the other person has to say. Easing in. A better bet than jumping in when the focus is human communication. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

My most recent guest, Michael Phillips, talked with me about his book, The Naked Negotiator. The book’s title comes from its focus on the basics: the principles that apply across the board to all sorts of negotiations. One idea Mike shared is “giving away the things that don’t matter.” If we think like problem solvers, and not like warriors, when we are engaged in a negotiation, we can more easily give away the things that don’t matter to us. If the other person cares a great deal about where or when to have a challenging conversation, and we don’t – why resist? And courtesy costs us nothing. We can be polite in a negotiation, even while we are being firm.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Michael W. Phillips joins me to talk about his book, The Naked Negotiator. Mike chose that catchy title to capture the idea that when you strip away the specifics of a particular challenge you find the bare bones – the basic principles of negotiation. To find Mike online, search for “naked negotiator”. On X or twitter: @negotiationguru. On LinkedIn: “Michael Phillips naked negotiator” will take you to his profile.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Can gossip have a good side? According to social scientists, even more fundamental than answering that question is accepting that we all do it and we have for many generations. Gossip can be good. Apparently, it depends on the context. Here are some ideas from an online article posted on NBC Better by Today: Psychologists say gossiping is a social skill. Here's how to know if you're doing it right.https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/psychologists-say-gossiping-social-skill-here-s-how-know-if-ncna1056941“A good gossiper is someone who people trust with information and someone who uses information in a responsible way.”Professor Robb Willer of Stanford University offers these takeaways to sum up his team’s research about gossip: 1. Think twice before you do it. Consider when you are doing it and who you are sharing information with. 2. Don’t gossip for personal gain. Just don’t. 3. Don’t distort the information. Just say it. It won’t be good gossip if the information is unreliable.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Terry Teale, my most recent guest, mentioned a useful concept: the WAIT idea. That’s W. A. I. T. A very handy and easy to understand acronym. It stands for Why Am I Talking? We can take a little time, be comfortable with silence – even if only briefly – and think before speaking. Will my contribution to a discussion be relevant? Helpful? Is now the right time? Am I the right person? Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Terry Teale visits the show this week. Terry is the co-author, along with Michael Fraidenburg, of "The Art of Mediation, Key Skills for New Mediators: Exploring Challenges, Growth, and Success in Mediation". We talk about viewing mediation as charting the course to positive change, golden questions, and understanding risk. You can learn more about their work and the book here: https://www.theartofmediation.org/ You will also find free access to a chapter!Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

In our conversation about dealing with mercurial people, especially bosses, John Volturo (my most recent guest) shared insights about what to do to regulate yourself when you realize that you should take a pause before you are entangled in disagreement, or once you are. Pause behaviors can engage different parts of the body and different senses: eyes, ears, lungs, hands, and scents. It’s important to find what works for you, not someone else. Try out a few possibilities and then practice them, so you are ready when you need them.To learn more about John Volturo’s work and to contact him, send him a message through LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/johnvolturo/.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

When we have been involved in an unpleasant conflict with a person or people important to us, it’s not surprising if our thoughts return to a specific event or time period. Ruminating is running the same negative thoughts through your mind over and over. You don’t serve yourself well by ruminating and you don’t help the relationship, either. The same persistent negative thoughts, often self-critical, do nothing to address the conflict. By revisiting the situation in your mind, you could focus on what could have gone better. You could try to find insights that would lead to a productive conversation about the past situation or prevent a similar problem occurring in the future.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

John Volturo, an executive coach, joins me to talk about dealing with mercurial people, especially bosses. John also offers insights on pause behaviors, empathy and why gossip is not always a bad thing. To learn more about his work and to contact John send him a message through LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/johnvolturo/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Last week, I talked about the general idea of the Johari Window Model. How do the four quadrants of the Open Area, the Blind Area, the Hidden Area, and the Unknown Area work? Full credit here to a website called HelpfulProfessor.com.: https://helpfulprofessor.com/johari-window-examples/ I encourage listeners to check out their Harry Potter example – better than any that I could create. With that small bit of explanation, you can consider how the Johari Window Model could serve you.If you are thinking about using it as a team exercise, there is lots of advice online, including on the MindTools.com website: https://www.mindtools.com/au7v71d/the-johari-windowLess formally, you could consider how your life and self-awareness fit in the Johari Window Model. How could you expand the Open Area? In ways that feel right to you. Do you want to shrink your Hidden Area? In what ways? Would you like to invite informal feedback to address your Blind Area? And, finally, are you open to the possibilities that the Unknown Area may offer, now and in the future.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The Johari Window model is a visual framework, with four quadrants. Its goal is to improve self-awareness, including understanding your conscious and unconscious biases. The model is typically used in some sort of team setting. The workplace is the most obvious application. Extended families, too, often work together in some sense – to share time and resources. Next time a focus on putting the model into use. These websites offer particularly helpful information on the model:https://www.mindtools.com/au7v71d/the-johari-window andhttps://www.selfawareness.org.uk/2022/09/25/understanding-the-johari-window-model/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

David Gage visits the show to talk about the work that flows from the concept spelled out in his book, The Partnership Charter: How to Start Out Right With Your New Business Partnership (or Fix the One You’re In). The Charter goes beyond legal themes to help partners discover, discuss, and document just how they want their partnership to work. You can learn more about the book and the process that David and his associates use to assist partners here: https://www.PartnershipCharter.com . David also invites listeners with questions to call him at 703.465.1262.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

It’s a two-step process. And the second part might be the more important. Before you move on, do what you can to improve the situation. Resolve the conflict, on your own or with professional help. Or, if that is not possible, perhaps you can mitigate it. Or perhaps just open some eyes and minds. Then, know you did what you could. And move on with your life. Not slamming doors and also not getting stuck in the doorway. My most recent guest talked about moving on as part of a specific process to address simple unconscious bias in the workplace. Listen here: https://bit.ly/3vDo04Ghttps://bit.ly/3vDo04G “Buki Mosaku on navigating unconscious bias”Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving. For LinkedIn posts

The power of the cumulative effect is often overlooked and underestimated. Microaggressions are an excellent example of the power of the cumulative effect: the ongoing repetition of the indignities has an impact greater than one or two. My most recent guest mentioned them when discussing unconscious bias. https://bit.ly/3vDo04G “Buki Mosaku on navigating unconscious bias” I previously talked about understanding what microaggressions are and what to do about them.https://bit.ly/3e4u7QW “What are microaggressions” and https://bit.ly/2DkVppq “What to do about microaggressions”.The negative power of the cumulative effect can show up in other ways, too. For example, in an extended family, a collection of subtle comments, gestures, or other actions can add up to a feeling of a lack of respect, dismissal, and humiliation. Simple positive words and gestures have impact, as well. We can be more aware of the cumulative effect. Noticing small negative words and actions we might be delivering. Appreciating that they do matter as they add up. And on the positive side, we can look for opportunities to encourage, support, and thank. Then watch the cumulative effect of what we say and do build and build in a good way.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Buki Mosaku is the author of “I Don’t Understand: Navigating Unconscious Bias in the Workplace”. We discuss the inevitability of unconscious bias in the workplace and recognizing that it isn’t always a one-way street. We talk about simple and complex unconscious bias: how to think about bias and concrete steps for each of us to take to address it. Most specifically: using the simple phrase, “I don’t understand?”, delivered as a question, to start a conversation about bias.You can learn more about his work and the book here: https://bukimosaku.com/. His bias navigation test is free and available here:https://navigatingbias.scoreapp.com/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The well-known Golden Rule can fall short when applied in end-of-life situations. A research article makes the case for The Platinum Rule. The Platinum Rule: A New Standard for Person-Centered Care, by Harvey Max Chochinov, OC, PhD, MD, FRCPC : https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9145569/ “The Platinum Rule, which would have us consider—doing unto patients as they would want done unto themselves—offers a standard that is more likely to result in treatment decisions that are consistent with patients' personal needs and objectives.”Those of us who are not medical professionals have our own opportunities here. First, tell your family what you want! Second, if we know that we are likely to be in the position to make decisions for someone, we can encourage them to help us know what they want and not leave us guessing, imagining, and assuming. That position invites pressure, conflict, and guilt. Third, if we do find ourselves in the position of making a decision for a loved one, we need to remember to go for the platinum, not the gold. And if we haven’t done our own advance planning and communicating, let’s get going asap.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The general idea of The Golden Rule is to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Less well-known, The Platinum Rule states you should treat others the way they would like to be treated. Taking a step beyond The Golden Rule to The Platinum Rule can help us to connect better with the other person, to step away from our natural and normal impulse to see everything through our own eyes, and to be more curious about the view the other person sees.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

I hope that listeners have enjoyed what they have heard this year. Here are a few favorites: “We reap what we sow”, Episode 256, published on November 22, 2023. https://bit.ly/3Gdp2X5. It was followed by Episode 257: “What seeds will you sow now?”, published on November 29, 2023.https://bit.ly/482bl9iJay Hughes was back to discuss a favorite topic. Episode 258: “Jay Hughes on the role of elders in flourishing families” was published on December 6, 2023. https://bit.ly/3sZCniOYou can also hear our conversation on the James E. Hughes, Jr. Foundation website, where many excellent resources are available in a range of formats: https://jehjf.org/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Nick Rion is a personal and professional relationship coach. We talk about creating relationships intentionally, understanding what we want from a relationship. Nick’s framework of ten habits can help set up a relationship to be “conflict-ready”, able to handle disagreements that inevitably happen. You can learn more about Nick’s work and contact him through his website: https://www.nicolasrion.com/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

We can have the very best of intentions when we deeply desire the perfect answer. Most of the time, there is none.When we find ourselves with a problem to solve or a situation to deal with we can develop a laser focus, bent on discovering that perfect answer. The only solution. We can expend lots of time and energy searching endlessly and fruitlessly for it. Or we could simply put off making a decision that we actually know has no perfect answer, in the vain hope that one will simply appear. The challenge can crop up in all sorts of scenarios, from estate planning to succession planning, sharing a vacation home and many more. The perfect answer is often elusive. Better to pick a choice, make a decision, reach a resolution that works, imperfectly, but well enough.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Jay Hughes is back for a second visit to the podcast. Jay has spent decades devoted to service to families. He has more insights into how to help families flourish than we can cover in a single podcast episode. Today, we are focused on a topic of particular interest to Jay: how elders help families thrive. Identifying potential elders, nurturing them, and as they step into and inhabit the role, how they serve the family in the present time and in ensuring the family’s future. In 2021, friends and colleagues created the James R. Hughes, Jr. Foundation, insisting that it bear his name even though his humility makes that difficult for him to embrace.The Foundation’s Mission: “Rooted in Jay Hughes’ landmark Five Capitals research, The Foundation is a non-profit organization dedicated to advancing the field of family governance and generational well-being.” You can learn more about the Foundation here: https://jehjf.org/You can listen to Episode 194: Jay Hughes on the Goldilocks principle in flourishing families, published on September 22, 2022, here: https://bit.ly/3QRONPjDo you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Last time, I talked about seizing the opportunity to use an annual, or at least periodic, event to check in on ourselves. What seeds have we sown? What are we reaping? f you did check in, and you don’t like what you see, what seeds will you sow now?It would be good to think in terms of seeds: small things. Things that can grow, with attention, into bigger things. Not trying to plant a full oak tree, but an acorn with a seed inside. Start small and build. Make a commitment to try to change. Start with listening with respect. Without distraction. Without impatience. Without eye-rolls, or other dismissive reactions – in person, by video, phone, text, whatever. No special techniques, tools, or training required. Just listen. With respect. A seed to sow for an improved harvest. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

When this episode publishes, it will be Thanksgiving Eve in the U.S. Let’s focus on the harvest perspective. We reap what we sow. Annual events – and those that happen more frequently but have a set occurrence – present an opportunity. We can check in on ourselves. We can take a little time to stop and think about what we are doing all the time, routinely.What expectations have been set in our family about how we interact with each other? What have we sown?And now, what are we reaping? And how do we feel about it?We may find ourselves reaping with regret, suffering unnecessary family strife. Hurt feelings, painful silences, anxiety, anger. If so, we can start to sow differently. We can make changes to have a better harvest.Or we may reap with joy over our healthy and strong relationships. If so, we can appreciate that harvest. We can consider what we are doing right. And continue to sow and nurture positive seeds in the future. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Vincent Valeri helps rising gen members of successful families to find their own way. As they determine what success means to them and how that relates to the broader family, they benefit from Vincent’s experience of having been part of his own family’s business as a young man.You can learn more about Vincent here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/vincentvaleri/You can also reach him and learn more about his firm’s work here: [email protected] https://cmgpartners.ca/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Evolving the Conversation: conversation is communication. And communication is essential to handling conflict well: keeping the good kind collaborative and creative and addressing the bad kind before it gets ugly.One research-based presentation I attended was about understanding the very different perspectives that individuals in a family business may have in a nearly identical situation. And, how those individual perspectives will likely evolve through the passage of time and life events. Accepting, even welcoming, that change requires keeping the conversation going in the family enterprise. Not forcing permanent decisions, such as in or out of the business, early in adult life. Another presentation I attended with a strong research basis involved trust. How does a family enterprise inspire trust? In its employees, customers, the general public. The big takeaway was that the world keeps changing and family firms who fail to change do so at their peril.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Kirby Rosplock has honed her expertise in the area of family offices over a number of years. She has written – and continues to write – about insights she has gleaned and has created a learning platform to accompany her consulting practice. We talk about how to navigate conflict in the family office space and her Four Circle Governance Model.You can find her on LinkedIn here: Kirby Rosplock, PhD | LinkedIn. Information about her consulting firm is here: www.TamarindPartners.comHer educational program is here: www.TamarindLearning.com. The Canadian component is here:www.TamarindLearning.ca. Listeners have access to an article setting out the Four Circle Model here:Four-Circle Governance Model | Tamarind Learning Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

When we hear the word steadfast, we hear something positive. Especially when applied to ourselves. Strong, committed, loyal perhaps. Stubborn? Not so positive. Particularly when applied to another person. Pigheaded. Unreasonable. Impossible to deal with. How should we navigate steadfast and stubborn, from a conflict perspective? We can strive to be steadfast regarding our principles, our values. We can be committed to integrity, to fairness. And we can avoid being stubborn about our opinions and our decisions. We can be open to changing our minds, when it’s warranted. When it is reasonable to do so. The flip side? Other people will strive to be steadfast to their values. When it seems that your values clash? Look for where they overlap. Maybe not a perfect one-to-one, but common ground. Are different words used to describe the same concept? Is your top value different from theirs – but it is important to them? And vice versa?We can try to be steadfast but not stubborn, embracing good conflict and minimizing bad.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

The word “grievance” appears regularly in the context of workplace conflict. In the U.S. and other English-speaking countries, it usually refers to a document filed by a union to raise a complaint of some sort of wrong-doing. Recently, the term “grievance” has been cropping up more and more often in other contexts. In the U.S., it’s being applied to groups of people in cultural and political spheres. Looking at the idea of grief behind the grievance: grief is often the result of loss. Grief can result from other types of losses: loss of connection, hope, respect, status, power, or autonomy. Understanding that grief can be an important first step in handling the conflict inherent in a grievance.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

I am excited and proud to publish Episode 250. That’s a lot of weeks since January 2019.Big thanks to my audience, guests, podcasting pals (especially Steve, Tania, Curtis, Danny, Heidi, and Matt), my friends and family. Also, all who suggest possible topics and guests. Keep those ideas coming, please!Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Penny Tremblay’s book, Sandbox Strategies for the New Workplace, Conflict Resolution from the Inside Out, has an array of insights that can be applied both in the workplace, and beyond. We talk about remembering to focus on our own role in interpersonal conflict. What pushes our buttons may not push others – so let’s look at our own buttons. You can learn more about Penny and her work here: https://pennytremblay.com/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Just plain no can be important and difficult in a valued ongoing relationship. “No, I won’t.” “No, you can’t.” “No, that isn’t going to work.” Sometimes we can’t bring ourselves to believe that the best answer – and maybe the only answer – is no. Other times, we fully recognize that no is the answer, yet it’s so hard to say. It can be tempting to avoid, delay, or fudge the no. And rarely a good idea.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

You may have heard glowing reviews recently of the succession planning at the giant conglomerate and family business LVMH. The founder, Bernard Arnault, has been applauded for how he has worked to position his five children to succeed in the business. Mr. Arnault, a successful corporate raider, has worked hard to keep his own firm out of reach of others like him. Here’s the flaw: what we have heard and what we can infer no one has likely heard. Who, exactly, is going to lead the business and when? Last year, at age 73, he convinced the LVMH board to raise the mandatory retirement age for chief executive and chairman from 75 to 80. So, he no longer needs to retire next year, as had been expected. Has he fallen for the myth of founder immortality?Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Bess de Boer is convinced that fear is the main ingredient in conflict. Bess works with people in conflict to see that the other person is trapped in the same predicament, then allowing each person to resurface their vulnerability and feel safe to be themselves. You can learn more about her work here: https://www.bessdeboer.com/. You can watch her TedX talk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=TSeYz3V2wcIhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=TSeYz3V2wcIDo you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

In a situation of continuing negative conflict, finding a time to turn the page can be helpful. It can assume different forms.You could use some sort of “marker” to suggest to the other person or people involved that you find a way to resolve the situation. A date on the calendar. A passage of time. An event.You may also consider your own perspective on a conflict, without regard to the others involved. Is it time to say “enough” to yourself? Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

When you have little to say, say very little. You don’t need to share an opinion that creates needless nasty conflict. You won’t convince people by saying the same words again and again. Allowing everyone to speak, especially before you speak again, is a wise idea. Waiting in silence for someone else to gather their thoughts is worth any discomfort you may feel. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Most people don’t want to talk about prenuptial agreements, even if they want one to happen. But they should. When? If parents feel that it would be a good idea, they are wise to discuss the concept with their children long before a potential life partner arrives on the scene. What? Remember that it should be presented as a proposed contract between the spouses. Not a mandate. Who should present it? It’s important to think about what message is being delivered. Talking about a prenup in a thoughtful and loving way won’t diminish its legal validity. But it will help set the tone for welcoming a new family member into the fold.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Nathan Dungan and I discuss how Nathan works with young adults and their families to better understand the dynamic between trusts and beneficiaries, prenups as part of an intentional preparation for life as a couple, and how to engage multiple generations to share, understand, and create their money stories.You can learn more about his work and contact him here: http://www.sharesavespend.com/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

What should you do about a situation where you are being deliberately baited: in a one-on-one setting, in a small group, or in a polarized family? Don’t rise to the bait! I can see no upside to that and plenty of potential downside.Choose not to avoid the conflict but to resist the bait. What would that look like? You could carefully frame the message you want to send. With or without explicitly mentioning the bait. But thinking through how to move toward a better situation, not make things worse.When the bait is dangled publicly – when more than the dangler and the, um, danglee are aware of the bait – consider taking it private.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

We may try to ignore, minimize, or delay dealing with a conflict. And then we can pivot in the other direction and rush to jump into action. Better to make a plan about how to address it. Start with who, what, where, when, how, and why. And perhaps add in a “what if” to allow for the dynamics of addressing the situation.Learn more about the Purposeful Planning Institute here: https://purposefulplanninginstitute.com/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

In 2016, a book titled Never Split the Difference was published by Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator. Voss offers nine principles to use in negotiations. One of them is mirroring. In a nutshell, mirroring means using the last one to three words the other person used, without agreeing or disagreeing, but using an inquisitive tone. The idea is that you sound like you are paying close attention to what the other person is saying. One view is that this type of negotiating tactic will make the other person feel at ease and keep them talking.What would you think if you realized someone was applying mirroring to you? Would you feel that you trusted the person more? That you wanted to keep talking? Or – would you have a different view. You know that a tactic is being applied to you. You feel that someone is trying to manipulate you. You feel inclined to trust the other person less, not more. We can do better. Instead of trying to create the appearance that you are carefully listening to the other person how about a reality that you are doing exactly that?Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Samantha Drum has used her experience with high-conflict personalities to hone her expertise and create practical ideas about how to deal with these people effectively. How to identify them. And how to minimize chaos in your own life. Her five-point playbook crystallizes five essential skills that will help you defuse any argument. You can learn more and access resources at her website: https://www.controlledconfrontation.com/ The Argument Playbook is here:https://www.controlledconfrontation.com/playbook And the quiz is here:https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/6090701efce2500017e8a900Details on the high conflict cure are here: The High Conflict Cure: www.controlledcontrontation.com/courseDo you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Earlier episodes have addressed different types of cognitive biases. They represent shortcuts in our thinking and how we reach conclusions. Now, let’s think about the overall idea of biases. We think of biases as negative – and they certainly can lead us astray. But we can think of them as not just a human shortcut that we need to be mindful of. We can easily brand bias as a moral weakness. In ourselves and others. Better, all around, to have some compassion and some optimism. Compassion for the human frailty of others – and ourselves. We can consider that others have opinions unlike ours that aren’t purely or mostly based on bias. And with engagement and effort, it’s possible to change.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

Several historical quotes address the question of just how far freedom extends. The most graphic one focuses on arms and noses. In essence, my freedom to swing my arm ends where your nose begins. Circumstances in everyday life have more nuance than that idea. Also, far more typical in everyday life. Gray areas, assumptions, misconceptions, different perspectives and priorities. And to refer to another body part: a good time to resist knee-jerk reactions. Better to pause, think, and – perhaps -- have a conversation.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.