Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

This episode all about confidence! Confidence is more important than your experience, your credentials, what background you came from, or any other external factor or feature about you. That's why it's so important to protect it! Tune in to learn about five boundaries to help you increase your confidence. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #43: Confidence has a huge impact on how you feel about your past, your present, and your future. It's often the only barrier between staying stuck or settling, and creating the life you want. Confidence is an experience of esteem, and can be increased and cultivated. Think about the last time you felt confident. It was likely a result of facing some kind of fear and coming out on the other side successfully. When you're feeling confident due to your successes, you're more likely to try new things. In these five areas of your life, boundaries can help build and protect your confidence: basic physical self-care, work/life balance, time for focus (both personally and professionally), finances, and time for reflection. This episode comes with an assignment. Sit down with a pen and paper, then list three times you've felt confident in the past, and why you felt that way. Next, write down three times that you felt that your confidence was weak or non-existent, and why that was the case. Your answers to these questions will help you create a roadmap to what you need to have more — or less — of to protect your confidence. Highlights from Episode #43: Welcome to today's episode! Vicki introduces today's topic: confidence. [00:39] Vicki mentions that confidence is not only an internal experience, but also a capability that you can cultivate through the use of boundaries. [02:45] Why is confidence so important? [04:31] Vicki shares the first and second of the five areas in which boundaries can protect and build your confidence. [06:41] We learn about the third and fourth ways to protect your confidence with boundaries. [10:52] The fifth and final item on Vicki's list involves taking time to reflect. [12:25] Vicki gives listeners a specific assignment. [16:53] We hear about a common, pervasive way that our confidence can be impacted. [22:16] Vicki quickly recaps the topics that she covered in today's episode. [25:06] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Dan Sullivan Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 16: You, Technology & Boundaries

A question I get from time to time that always surprises me: "What do you do when you make a request of another person, and they ignore your request?" Assuming that you know that the other person heard your request, it's painful to get no response. Today's episode explores what to do if this happens to you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #42: How you respond when someone ignores your request depends a lot on who you made a request of, the type of request you've made, and how important that request is to you. There are different ways that people can ignore requests: pretending they didn't hear (or read) the request, or tell you they'll get back to you later and then never follow up. When an important request of an important person is ignored, start with the least pathological explanation. If the person says they'll get back to you but they don't, follow up with them and ask for a timeframe. If they responded to your communication but not your request, follow up on the request specifically. If you've done all of the above but this person still avoids responding, you have important information about that person. What does it mean for you to know that this person is avoidant? Can you get your want or need met without agreement from this person? Highlights from Episode #42: Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, which will address the question of what you do when your request is ignored. [00:39] We hear a quick refresher on the difference between zones of privacy and zones of intimacy, and how they're relevant to today's question. [03:20] Vicki clarifies the spectrum of attachment styles, and points out that people who ignore requests tend to lean toward the avoidant end of the spectrum. [07:04] There are a couple of ways that people can ignore requests, Vicki explains. [09:36] Vicki offers advice on what to do assuming the request and person are important to you. [12:12] We hear a story of something that happened to Vicki that's relevant to her points. [14:53] What do you do if you've done everything right, but the person still doesn't respond? [19:50] Vicki shares a question to ask yourself, and advice on how to find the answer. [22:38] If you're asking someone who's not very important to you for a very small thing, and you continue to repeat your request, you may have deeper issues around your perception that others are ignoring you are or dismissive. [25:45] Vicki recaps the points that she's covered today. [27:54] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 23: TMI, and Other Problems When Sharing Personal Information Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 9: Introduction to the 5-Step Boundary Solution Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 10: Knowing and Owning Your Reality (Step 1 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 11: Getting Your Needs Met (Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 12: Your Power Center (Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 14: Taking Action! (Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 15: When Boundaries are Successful . . . or Not (Step 5 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

Thanks to all the listeners for the great feedback and questions you've been submitting. This episode is a response to a listener's question about the difference between demands and requests. Tune in to learn about the difference between the two, and whether it's possible to create a boundary with another person without making a request. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #41: Almost everyone struggles around knowing the difference between demands and requests. Even if you feel you understand the difference intellectually, it can be easy—and tempting—to use demands rather than requests. A request involves asking politely, respectfully, or formally for something. A demand is a forceful statement in which you say that something must be done or given to you. If you confuse creating a boundary with making demands or making a request, you will be in trouble. Creating a boundary with another person requires that you have an agreement with that person. Even if you have very good reasons to be concerned about your spouse, every adult has a right to make the choices they want to make, even when their choices are behaviors that may not be healthy for them. Highlights from Episode #41: Welcome to a quick-tips episode that was inspired by a listener's question, which Vicki paraphrases. [00:40] Vicki starts her answer to the listener's question by defining requests and demands, and shares an example of a request that her husband made of her. [04:54] We learn why confusing boundaries and demands is problematic. [07:43] Demands are often made when a person is feeling anxious or very attached to the outcome, Vicki explains. [10:16] Vicki makes a couple of comments about specific aspects of the listener's question. [12:01] What do you do when your spouse is engaging in unhealthy behaviors like eating too much, eating junk food, or smoking. [14:48] Vicki offers advice for when your spouse thinks they're a victim when you are not in fact breaking an agreement. [19:25] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 14: Taking Action! Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 9: Introduction to the 5-Step Boundary Solution

Thank you for joining me for the third and final part in my series on the complicated—but so important—listening boundary. If you've missed the earlier episodes, I recommend that you go back to listen to Part 1 and Part 2. Today, we'll move from what happens to you internally as you listen to how you may want to respond. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #40: When your listening boundary is working well, you're not only filtering what you're hearing, but also paying very close attention to your own thoughts that are generated in response to what was said. When what the other person said is also true for you, you can simply say that you agree. If what they said isn't true for you, start your response with the part that you do agree with. This is called "leading with agreement." If you're not really sure whether you agree with what you heard, or what you think about it, you can ask clarifying questions. It's also okay not to have an opinion, or to say that you don't know. There are some tools or skills to use when you're in a difficult situation. These include paying attention to the physical space between you and the other person, remembering who the other person is to you, and creating a sense of protection for yourself. Highlights from Episode #40: Vicki welcomes listeners to the third part of her series on the listening boundary. [00:48] We hear a quick recap of what Vicki covered in Part 2 of the series. [03:13] Vicki talks about how you might proceed based on the three internal responses if your listening boundary is working well. [06:23] If someone important in your life tends to automatically respond with a "no," a great strategy is to tell them what you want to talk about and suggest having the conversation later. [12:22] Vicki makes another point about areas where you have a difference of opinion. These situations can cause stress in relationships. [15:11] We learn about how to respond if you're not sure what you think or whether you agree. [18:04] Vicki shares some tools and skills for dealing with a difficult situation or person. [19:50] There are other ways to think about your listening boundary, Vicki points out, then gives an example. [24:45] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part 1 Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part 2: How it Works Pia Mellody The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real

Welcome to Part 2 in my series on the listening boundary! It bears repeating that this is the most complicated of the four primary boundaries, and today, we'll go straight into the heart of using this boundary in practice.* Biggest Takeaways From Episode #39: Listening with curiosity and the intention of knowing the other person better is the foundation for using the listening boundary well. The closer the relationship you have with someone, the more challenging it is to maintain a strong listening boundary. There are only a few listening boundary violations. Examples include looking away for an extended period of time, rolling your eyes, or any overt signs of disinterest or boredom—like yawning—while someone is talking to you one-on-one. Once you listen with curiosity and respect, you'll notice one of three things: you have the same perception as they do, you have a different perception, or you need more information to know what you think and feel about what you've heard. People with certain traits or mental health issues can have problems with the listening boundary and taking what others say very personally. They may interpret a simple matter like which restaurant you prefer to go to as a major indicator about how you feel about them. Highlights from Episode #39: Vicki shares that she's getting over a cold, and touches on the subject of boundaries and illness. [00:48] This episode is Part 2 of the listening boundary series, Vicki explains, then reminds listeners about what the listening boundary is. [03:15] Vicki briefly reviews the pre-work for the listening boundary, much of which she covered in Episode 37. [07:08] Vicki dives further into how to use the listening boundary. [09:36] We hear about the three possible experiences when you listen with interest and respect. [12:41] What do you do when you have a different perception than the other person? [17:29] We hear about some issues when having a different perception requires more conversation. [21:41] Vicki talks about the third of the three options when you're listening. [23:07] We learn about a few of the many challenges involved in using the listening boundary. [24:52] Vicki touches on the question of how to work on self-esteem. [34:18] *Information about the listening boundary presented in this episode is adapted from the work of Pia Mellody. Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Sheri Winston Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part I

As with every first episode of the month, this one is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. But men, that doesn't mean you should stop listening! This information will help men have a greater understanding of women's experiences of safety, sensuality, and sexuality, which can lead to deeper connection with the important women in your life. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #38: There's a missing link between a woman's experience of safety and her sexuality, or between the experience of safety and her sexual connection with a partner, and that missing link is sensuality. A woman's connection to her sensuality is vital to both her sense of safety and to how she feels about being sexual with a partner. When your senses are satisfied or happy, you feel calmer and safer. Once you're aware of the relationship between safety and sensuality, you can use your experience of your own senses as a learning laboratory to increase your feelings of sexual safety and expand your awareness of yourself as a sensual being. As you move into more awareness of your body, you'll begin to identify what's more pleasing to you. This includes not only sensations of being touched (by yourself or another person), but also your body posture and movement. Highlights from Episode #38: We hear about the subject of today's episode, which is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. [00:47] Vicki discusses the missing link between a woman's sense of safety and her sexuality. [01:59] We learn some definitions of words relevant to today's subject, including the important difference between sensuous and sensual. [04:16] How is sensuality related to boundaries, including non-sexual boundaries? [07:11] Vicki takes a moment to explain the purpose of what she's been talking about. [10:46] What do you do with the awareness of the relationship between safety and sensuality? Vicki offers ideas for each of the five senses. [13:46] Vicki points out that the sense of touch includes the direct experience of being physically touched, and recommends a body-mapping exercise. [23:14] We hear about an experience that Vicki had around 20 years ago, and how it relates to what she's been talking about. [26:48] Vicki recaps what she's talked about in today's episode. [31:41] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Sheri Winston Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 17: Yes, No & Maybe: Sexual Boundaries for Women with Sheri Winston

A listener asked for an episode specifically dedicated to the practice of the listening boundary. As I started working through what I wanted to talk about, I realized there's too much to fit into one episode, so this will be a series. This is the first part; the second part will air in two weeks. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #37: The listening boundary is how we take in, filter, and ultimately respond to incoming information, whether verbal or written. This is the most difficult, challenging, and complex of the boundaries, but it's incredibly important. When you're filtering information as part of the listening boundary, you have three options. First, you can take the information in as true for you. Second, you can decide that it is not true for you, or that you don't have the same perception. Finally, you may need more information or realize that there is no way to determine whether or not it is true. As you work on improving this boundary, constantly remember that you are going to practice the boundary imperfectly. Also keep in mind that the highest purpose of listening to another person is to know and understand who the other person is. Here's a simple assignment to practice: notice how many times you listen to someone and have the temptation to begin your response with the part of what they said that you didn't agree with, or like. Instead, pay attention to the things that you agree with. Highlights from Episode #37: Vicki introduces the topic of today's episode: the listening boundary. [00:48] What is the listening boundary? [02:34] We hear about an instance in which Vicki had to practice the listening boundary recently. [04:38] Vicki talks about exactly how the listening boundary works, and explains the three options for filtering information. [07:31] How can you prepare for having a better listening boundary, and what are some of the things that you need to know as you're working on improving this boundary? [12:29] Vicki shares another point you should remember as you prepare to use the listening boundary. [19:22] We hear about what can happen when a person's listening boundary is not working. [22:10] Vicki covers some of the common pitfalls around the listening boundary. [24:39] Vicki gives listeners a simple assignment to practice before part 2 of this series on the listening boundary. [29:38] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

This week's episode is the second in a series I started last month—Boundaries Quick Tips. These short, laser-focused episodes will give you quick tips and tools for learning about, or upleveling, your understanding and practice of healthy boundaries. This Quick Tips episode is an answer to a listener's question about how to identify needs and wants. You'll also learn how to tell the difference between needs and wants. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #36: A want is something that is desired or wished for. A need is vital or crucial, either to our physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual survival, or to the survival of a relationship. Knowing the 11 basic needs can help you figure out whether those needs are being met for you. These needs are: adequate food, adequate clothing, adequate shelter, physical nurturing, emotional nurturing, spirituality, education, money, medical attention (including mental health treatment), dental attention, and sexual expression. Start with this basic list when you're trying to determine your needs and wants. Ask yourself whether these needs are being met, and how they could be met if they're not. You have extra challenges in identifying your needs—and wants—if your needs weren't adequately taken care of in your childhood. Highlights from Episode #36: This Quick Tips episode addresses a listener's question about identifying your needs and wants, and what the difference is. [01:09] Vicki defines needs and wants, then explores the difference between wants and needs. [04:09] We hear about the 11 basic needs, the first several of which involve physical needs. [05:66] The next two needs involve nurturing. [09:49] Vicki talks about the needs for spirituality, education, money, and medical and dental attention. [12:52] The 11th and final need is the need for sexual expression, Vicki explains. [16:00] Vicki offers advice on using this list of needs to determine the areas in which you're not getting what you need. [17:33] We learn more about wants, and how to identify yours. [18:39] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Pia Mellody The Center for Nonviolent Communication's Needs Inventory

Ready or not, the holidays are coming! And today I want to talk about how to navigate this potentially tricky season with good self-care and better boundaries. It's simple, but not easy. In this episode, I'll talk about how the quality of your boundaries impacts your experience of the holidays, and make some recommendations about how you can navigate this season with more ease and joy. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #35: Adults have the right to decide how they spend their time, and with whom. This is true not only in everyday life, but also during the holidays. It can be a struggle, though, to tell your family and friends how you would like to participate (or not participate) in various holiday events and rituals. Other people, even family members, don't have a right to make their preferences or priorities your preferences or priorities. What they want doesn't create an obligation or duty for you, unless you choose to take it on. To navigate the holidays, sit down and make a list of all the events that you typically engage in during the season, or that you're planning to add this year. Reflect on past holiday events and think about what your needs or preferences are for this year. Ask yourself whether there are any ways in which you would like to do these events differently. Give yourself permission to do what you want to do with regard to each of the events or activities that you've listed. This can be very challenging, so focus on progress rather than perfection! Highlights from Episode #35: Vicki introduces the topic of this episode and talks about the upcoming holiday season. [00:40] Every single adult has a right to decide how, and with whom, they spend their time. This principle applies equally during the holidays. [03:50] Vicki points out that other people, including friends and relatives, may have specific ideas about what we should (or shouldn't) do. [06:18] We learn some tips for how to navigate the holidays with better self-care and boundaries. [07:21] Vicki offers advice for those who feel the need to explain when they decline an invitation. [11:27] Once you have a clear idea of how you want to do this differently this holiday season, if you're married or partnered, sit down with your spouse and talk about your preferences so that you can come up with a game plan. [14:03] If you struggle around the sorts of choices that Vicki has been talking about, go back and listen to Episode 34: Women, Choose Self-Care Over Self-Sacrifice. [16:54] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 34: Women, Choose Self-Care Over Self-Sacrifice

As the first episode of the month, this one is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. I'm extremely confident, though, that at least a few men will relate to this one! This topic is inspired by a listener's question on how to get others to respect your boundaries instead of reacting with blame or shame. In this episode, I'll give you tools and strategies to navigate these types of situations. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #34: When someone tries to send you on a guilt trip, you get to decide whether or not you're going to go. A strong listening boundary lets you choose whether to accept and believe others' opinions or hurtful words (possibly about you), rather than automatically accepting them. When it's not clear how to make a boundary specific and measurable, you can use the data you identified in Step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. From there, you can move into making a request. In situations where the outcome you want is for another person to do something different or to change, your power lies in either making a request of the other person or setting a boundary for yourself. When you make a request, there are three possible responses. The other person can say yes or no, or negotiate an alternative. Most of us—especially women—tend to over-give or sacrifice ourselves, which results in resentment. If you can't do something without resentment or having an attitude, say "no" rather than doing it! The short-term discomfort of saying no will give you a longer-term gain. Highlights from Episode #34: Today's episode will focus on a topic related to women and boundaries, specifically the need for choosing self-care over self-sacrifice. [00:48] Vicki takes a moment to say a few words on the listening boundary, which is the most difficult to use. [05:28] We hear more about the second part of the listener's question, including how to make her boundaries specific and measurable. [07:50] Vicki shares another way to look at Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier: identifying what what needs are not being met and the outcome you want. [12:45] We briefly move into Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process (Identify Your Power Center) before Vicki talks about what moving into Step 4 (Taking Action) might sound like. [13:49] Vicki shares some words of wisdom from Brené Brown. [17:55] We hear some specific steps and strategies for dealing with guilt trips. [21:03] Vicki talks about the problem with being a people-pleaser, and why avoiding people pleasing is good for everyone. [26:03] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Brené Brown Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 24: The Politician (No, Not That One)

Do you ever feel like you lose yourself in your relationships, or like you defer too much to what your partner wants to do? Or maybe you feel like you over-value the other person, and under-value yourself. In today's episode, I answer a listener's question about what to do when you think you may have given up too much of yourself in a relationship. This dynamic can happen in intimate relationships, friendships, and family relationships. Sound familiar? Then this episode for you! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #33: Knowing what to do if you think you may be losing yourself in relationships or deferring too much to your partner takes at least two types of skills: boundaries and an understanding of interdependence. Dependence is experienced on a continuum. On one extreme, someone relies too much on another person. On the other extreme, a person is too independent and/or refuses to ask for—or accept—help. The healthy middle is to be interdependent. If you're on the more dependent end, you will tend to defer to a partner (or other person) and sacrifice yourself in order to get your needs met. If you feel like you're losing yourself in a relationship, start by getting clear about what is important to you and how you want to spend your time. Also write down all the activities you're doing with your partner that you wouldn't do on your own. As you work on finding balance, expect some hiccups and upsets, especially around setting boundaries. Highlights from Episode #33: Vicki introduces the topic of today's episode, which addresses a listener's question, and paraphrases the question itself. [00:48] We hear about the dependency continuum, and how it functions in relationships. [03:40] Vicki shares an example to illustrate what she means about healthy interdependence. [06:50] What does the idea of balancing our time, and paying attention to our needs and wants, have to do with boundaries? [10:27] Vicki shares a tool for managing the all-too-common "What sounds good to you?" dynamic when two people are trying to decide what restaurant to go to, or what to do together. [14:22] The listener who asked today's question is essentially deferring to her partner, and wants to be more balanced so she can also honor herself. Vicki offers recommendations. [16:00] Vicki shares another technique that may be helpful. [20:50] All of this isn't easy, Vicki points out, and there may be some hiccups along the way. [24:32] Vicki makes an observation about the question she's been addressing today, and talks about love addiction. [27:58] Vicki recaps what she's covered in today's episode. [32:48] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 9: Introduction to the 5-Step Boundary Solution Process Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody Is It Love or Is It Addiction: The book that changed the way we think about romance and intimacy by Brenda Schaeffer Pia Mellody

Welcome to the first of many "Boundaries Quick Tips" episodes. These short episodes will be laser-focused on tips, tools, and strategies for you to learn about while up-leveling your boundary work. This one will tell you exactly what to do when you get offended by what someone else does, or they get offended by something you did, or didn't do. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #32: If someone in your life has ever been angry with you for something you did, said, didn't do, or didn't say, or you've been angry with someone else for any of those reasons, this episode is for you! Our human brain has the habit of running on auto pilot and makes stuff up about what is happening, most of which is quite negative and often untrue. We can change the way we think, which has a profound impact on our thoughts, our emotions, and our quality of life. When you feel offended, be aware of the leap that you make from the experience itself (or the data) to what you made up in your head. Many of us jump to making up the most pathological or the most personal explanation—meaning the explanation where we are at the center of whatever happened. Try to have humility about the first thought you have, or what you made up. If you struggle with getting offended frequently, go back and listen to Episode 19: When They Go Low… We Go Lower. Highlights from Episode #32: Vicki introduces the episode and explains that it's the first in a new series. [00:48] We hear about one of the things that distinguishes humans from all other species, and a problematic thing that our brains do. [01:53] Vicki shares examples of times when people were offended or angry with her, and one case in which she was offended by someone else. [04:23] We learn some tips on how to handle these situations, especially when you're the one who feels offended. [08:30] Vicki talks about another way the example with a family member could have gone. [13:06] We hear some advice specifically for people who struggle with getting offended frequently. [14:50] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 19: When They Go Low… We Go Lower Pia Mellody

Today's episode is all about rest, rejuvenation, and boundaries, which absolutely relate to one another! I'll explain why rest is so important and why it's so difficult to unplug in our uber-connected, device saturated world. I'll also give you some tips on how to truly rest and enter into states of being rather than doing, and why rest is crucial for health, creativity, and even productivity. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #31: To create spaces of time off—whether for a few hours or a few weeks—you must to create limits on multiple levels. We all need sleep, time away from work, and time away from devices and media. However, the mind feeds on being perpetually occupied and fixating on problems., Technology, social media, and devices make it difficult to exercise the discipline to unplug and rest. Rest, in all of its forms, is an important part of self-care. It's also important for our creativity, and productivity, as well as connection with others and intimacy. When you decide to unplug and rest, ideally you should define how long you're going to rest and be mindful of technology that keeps you distracted or tempts you away from rest and rejuvenation. Highlights from Episode #31: Vicki explains why there wasn't a new episode last week, talks about what she's doing in California, and explains what this episode is all about. [01:31] What do unplugging and rest have to do with boundaries? [03:03] We learn what Vicki means by "rest," and learn a nature metaphor for resting. [05:26] Vicki shares more dangers of not getting enough rest in our hyper-connected world. [11:02] We hear some ways to unplug, truly rest, and enter into being rather than doing. [13:14] Vicki invites listeners to think about at least one area where they can create more space for rest. [18:46] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 16: You, Technology & Boundaries

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #30: Everything that happens to us is our private information. We get to decide when to share that information, how, and with whom. This is a good starting point for thinking about the topic of sharing experiences involving sexual abuse, harassment, or assault. There are many reasons that a woman might not share her experiences of sexual abuse, harassment, or assault. In today's episode, you'll hear about the eight most common: You were told that something bad would happen to you if you told. You were ashamed or felt "icky." You thought, or were told, that no one would believe you. You needed stability. You were abused as a child and it seemed like just more of the same. You may have thought it was your fault. You were afraid. You saw what happens to so many women who speak up. The first episode of each month focuses on women and boundaries. This one is a personal message from me to every woman who has hesitated or decided not to tell anyone about being sexually abused, harassed, or assaulted. Tune in to learn how this relates to boundaries and privacy. Highlights from Episode #30: Vicki talks about the #MeToo era and a common question that goes along with it: "why did it take so long for the victim to tell her story?" [02:06] Situations of sexual abuse between an adult and a child are not "relationships," Vicki points out, then talks about the dynamics of these situations. [06:48] Vicki moves on to talking about sexual abuse, assault, and harassment in adult relationships. [08:52] Vicki explains that there are eight common reasons why a woman might not tell, and lists what they are. [09:44] Any time that there's a power differential between someone seeking sex and the person they're seeking it from, there's some kind of exploitation going on. [17:37] We hear more reasons why a woman may not have told. [19:32] Vicki talks about making the choice to disclose your experiences. [23:21] Let's not blame victims by asking "why," Vicki requests. [27:11] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy episode 21 Here's Why Roger Ailes' Sexual Harassment Victims Took So Long to Speak Up by Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Huffington Post

This episode is inspired by a blog comment. I'm often asked how to communicate boundaries in a way that doesn't hurt or upset the other person involved, or make them unhappy. However, creating boundaries offers benefits not only for yourself, but also for your loved ones. Today, you'll learn four ways in which this can happen. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #29: When you start learning about boundary work, it can be almost impossible to believe that the important people in your life would have positive feelings about (or might benefit from) your boundaries. There are at least four ways in which this can happen. First, setting boundaries helps your loved ones know exactly where you stand with them, and where they stand with you. Since intimacy is about knowing and being known, this leads to greater intimacy. Second, when you create a boundary for yourself, you're happier (and so is everyone else!). You may be surprised to find that your loved ones are relieved instead of upset at your boundaries. Third, making a request of another person or setting a boundary creates solutions that reduce stress between you and the other person or people involved. Finally, your boundaries can help your loved ones by prompting them to change in profound ways and improve their own lives. This can be particularly true when your boundaries are related to the other person's addiction issues. Highlights from Episode #28: Vicki explains where she got the inspiration for today's episode and shares today's topic. [01:45] We hear about the first way that your boundaries can help your loved ones. [04:40] Making a request is often part of creating a boundary, Vicki explains. [07:38] Vicki describes the second way in which your boundaries can help others, and offers an example. [09:20] We learn about the third way that your boundaries help your loved ones. [13:00] The fourth way that your boundaries can help your loved ones is by prompting change. [18:01] Vicki provides some examples of what setting boundaries related to addiction looks like. [21:40] Your loved one won't be pleased by your boundaries, but you're taking care of yourself and creating the possibility for your loved one to get better, Vicki points out. [26:38] Vicki recaps the four ways that your boundaries can help your loved ones. [27:51] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier US Bill of Rights

There's been a lot of talk recently about free speech—specifically, news stories about a somewhat infamous media figure who was banned from several major social media sites. It got me to thinking about the limits of free speech, which is all about boundaries. In this episode I'll talk about why boundaries have a lot to do with free speech, as well as how freedom of speech operates in both physical and virtual space. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #28: Although each of us is free to say or do whatever we want, freedom to do what we want also comes with certain consequences—positive, neutral, or negative. Boundaries create limits, but they also create space. The amount of space a boundary creates has a lot to do with the limit that is created. For example, if you put a fence around your property, you're creating a clear limit, but you're also creating more private space that can only be accessed by you. Free speech is determined by who controls the space where speech occurs. Whoever owns or controls a space gets to decide what the limits are. This is true whether it's a physical space (such as your house or a business' office) or a virtual space (such as a social media site, website, or blog). It's not anyone's responsibility to provide a platform or vehicle for another person to get information they want. For example, if you're following someone on Twitter and they get banned because of Twitter's boundaries, Twitter is not responsible for providing you a platform to connect with the person they banned. Today, just about anyone with a small amount of resources and money can create their own virtual space, which makes giving and getting information freely far more accessible than at any other time in human history. Highlights from Episode #28: We hear about the topic of today's episode, as well as the inspiration for it. [00:48] Vicki reads the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution for listeners who may need a refresher. She then digs into the topic of consequences. [03:11] Boundaries not only create limits; they also create space. Vicki explores this concept, then links it to the concept of free speech. [07:32] Vicki gives examples of what it means for people who own a particular physical or virtual space to make decisions about who and how others are permitted to express themselves in those spaces. [12:04] We learn how the concepts Vicki has been exploring relate to virtual space. [16:51] Vicki points out that just about anyone with some resources can create their own virtual space to say whatever they want to say. [22:03] There are some environments that are truly oppressive in terms of what they allow people to say or express, and when you encounter one of those, it's probably best to find another community or environment that allow you greater freedom of expression. [24:40] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier US Bill of Rights

Today's episode was inspired by a listener's great question. She was completing a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier, and while working through Step 1 (Knowing Your Reality), she realized she only had a hunch, rather than any hard data. She wanted to know if intuition, or a gut feeling, is enough to go on when you want to set a boundary. In general, the answer is "yes," but you need to know some specifics before proceeding. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #27: Intuition is "the ability to understand something immediately without the need for conscious reasoning, or a thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning." You may think that you don't have data to back up an intuition, but often in hindsight you may realize there was specific evidence that lead to your gut feeling. It is possible to substitute an intuitive hunch or a gut feeling for data in Step 1 when you're working through a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier, and then proceed from there with the boundary you want to create. When you're creating a boundary based on intuition or a gut feeling, the intuition or hunch is the data in Step 1 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. Your thoughts or perceptions about the data and the data itself are usually synonymous. The only difference between how you would typically complete a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier and completing one based on a hunch or intuition, is that in Step 1, the hunch is the data and the thought. Highlights from Episode #27: Vicki explains the inspiration for today's episode, then digs into what intuition is and explores different ways of orienting to and taking in data. [00:54] We learn about why intuition and different ways of orienting to the world are important when it comes to boundaries. [07:42] Vicki talks about some situations where you want to set a boundary and you don't have any data, but need to proceed from your intuition instead. [09:08] Vicki offers a hypothetical situation to use as an example of creating boundaries based on intuition. [13:16] We hear how to finish the steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution in this example. [17:34] Vicki shares more information on using intuition to create a boundary. [24:14] Most people tend to default to not paying attention to their intuition, Vicki points out. [30:02] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 10 (Step 1 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

As with every first episode of the month, this one is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. I was inspired by a recent incident in my own life that made me even more aware that there are stark differences between the way women and men perceive safety or danger, and their relative needs for safety. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #26: Boundaries are about protection and creating safety for ourselves and others. If women and men have a different perception about safety in general, their different perceptions can cause upset, challenges, or intense conflict around navigating situations where safety is an issue. When you're highly activated or triggered in some way, your brain goes offline and you stop thinking in a rational way. Instead, you're more likely to make things up in your own mind, and react to what you've made up. Safety is a fundamental need that we all have. If our needs for safety are not met, we will struggle to be relational, or sometimes even rational. In general, women have a much different perception around safety and boundaries than men do, and the statistics (which you'll hear in this episode, or can read at this link) illustrate why. Highlights from Episode #26: Vicki explains what boundaries and safety have to do with each other, and how this relates to the differences between women's and men's relative need for safety. [02:01] We hear about the event that Vicki experienced recently that inspired this episode. [05:54] Vicki sums up the relevant points of her story. [12:50] Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a helpful tool in understanding dynamics around safety and getting needs for safety met. [15:47] Vicki explores three specific boundaries and how they show up for women. [17:48] We hear some statistics from the National Domestic Violence Hotline's website. [26:54] What do you do about these differences, how can women take care of themselves, and how can we navigate the challenges that may arise? [30:04] Vicki recaps the points that she has covered in today's episode. [39:47] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 4: Women & Boundaries: Struggles and Strengths Abraham Maslow Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 2: What Good Boundaries Can Do For You + The 5 Types and 2 Functions of Boundaries Carl Jung Collective Unconscious Sheri Winston Beyond Bitchy Episode 17: Yes, No or Maybe: Sexual Boundaries for Women with Sheri Winston The National Domestic Violence Hotline: Get the Facts & Figures

What do you do if someone is trying to hold you accountable, but you don't think you've done anything to be accountable for? What if you don't feel sorry or remorseful for a minor mistake that you've made? What if someone is using accountability as a weapon and using it as a tool to blame, punish, or shame you? Accountability can be a confusing, complex, and messy topic, and this episode will answer all these questions—and more. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #25: When someone confronts you about something, you need to determine whether you have the same perception that you have acted in a boundaryless, offensive, or boundary-violating manner. Everyone has sensitivities and vulnerabilities that we may not know about. Another person may take offense and feel pain about something we say or do even though we had no intention of causing harm. It's possible to weaponize accountability and use it as a tool to punish or shame other people. If you're in a situation where someone is using accountability as a weapon against you or you use accountability as a weapon, I recommend listening to Episode 19 (When They Go Low . . . We Go Lower) to learn how to respond. Must accountability be followed by contrition or remorse? The answer goes back to whether you agree that you needed to be held accountable. If you made a minor mistake or you simply don't believe that you've done anything for which you need to be accountable, you may not feel remorse at all. Keep in mind that some people may not show remorse even when they feel it. Highlights from Episode #25: In Episode 22, Vicki talked about accountability and intimacy. This episode is a follow-up to the previous episode, and an answer to a blog follower's question about accountability and remorse. [00:46] Vicki shares an example from her own life when no offense was intended. [03:57] Everyone has certain vulnerabilities and things that they're sensitive about, Vicki explains. [08:29] We learn more about what it looks like when someone uses accountability as a weapon, and what to do if someone uses accountability as a weapon against you. [10:13] Vicki addresses a question that was submitted to her on her blog: "does accountability need to be followed by contrition?" [13:57] It's not helpful for us to have outsized shame responses or pain when we're essentially being human, Vicki points out. [19:51] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Episode 22, Want More Accountability? Intimacy is Key Beyond Bitchy Episode 19, When They Go Low . . . We Go Lower

Today's episode is all about The Politician. And no, not that one! No matter which politician comes to mind, I'm not talking about him or her. Instead, what I call The Politician is a powerful communication tool that politicians, pundits, and political operatives have all mastered, and one that you should too. It's a simple tool, but a very difficult one to use. I'll teach you all about it, and give you tips on how to practice it when you need it. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #24: The Politician is a tool you'll want to have in your communication toolbox for situations where someone deflects from the topic you brought up, or otherwise doesn't respond in a meaningful way. Or maybe you made a request of another person and he or she turns the conversation back to something you did, or stonewalls you and gives no response at all. The Politician involves both the talking and listening boundaries. The talking boundary is at work when you respond using this tool. The listening boundary is an even more important part of using The Politician because the other person may try to confuse, distract, or divert, and you'll need to stay laser-focused while you're listening. There are essentially three responses that a person can have to a request. They can agree or say yes, say no or disagree, or propose an alternative solution to your request. As you begin using this skill, you probably won't do it perfectly, and that's okay. Even if it takes you a while to notice that the conversation has gotten off-topic, you can still use The Politician to bring it back to your original point. Highlights from Episode #24: Vicki introduces the topic of today's episode: The Politician. [00:48] Before she gets to how you use The Politician, Vicki talks about how this skill relates to boundaries. [05:57] Vicki gives some examples of how redirecting the conversation to your original point by using The Politician can look or sound. [10:55] Notice that in Vicki's examples, the person in question hasn't answered the request. [16:11] The Politician as a skill is about the fact that you have talking points. You need to be very clear about what those are even before you start the conversation, and come back to them if the topic of the conversation is changed by the other person or otherwise gets diverted. [19:19] Vicki points out that you'll probably use this skill imperfectly at first, as you learn to use it. She also offers tips for how to use it successfully. [22:10] When you learn to use The Politician, it's helpful not only to you, but also to the other person, and the relationship as a whole. [25:41] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

I don't hear the term "TMI" (which stands for "too much information") much anymore, but it perfectly fits what we'll be exploring in this episode. Some of us tend to share too much, while others tend not to share as much as we should. This episode includes a homework assignment you can complete after you listen that will help you figure out with whom and how much to share—using what I call the Zones of Intimacy and the Zones of Privacy. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #23: Sharing personal information with others can fall on a spectrum between sharing too much on one end, to not sharing enough on the other. How much personal information you should share depends on who you're talking to, the context, and the type of information. Anonymous people or casual acquaintances you come into contact with in your everyday life don't have a right to your personal information. However, the more intimate the relationship is, the more personal information we should share. To determine how much of your personal information you should share, you need to understand Zones of Intimacy and Zones of Privacy. Imagine two sheets of paper, each with five concentric circles. One sheet contains the people in your life, and the other contains your personal information. In the Zone of Privacy, the innermost circle contains extremely personal information such as your sexual preferences, vulnerabilities, and your deepest wishes. The outermost circle contains mundane information, such as what kind of car you drive or the general area where you live. Ideally, your Zones of Intimacy Zones of Privacy should match. For example, you would only share your most private, personal information with your intimate partner or spouse. Highlights from Episode #23: Vicki introduces the topic of today's episode, and explores what TMI is. [00:48] We hear more about oversharing, under-sharing, and some common experiences involved with sharing. [03:41] Vicki clarifies how the topic she's covering today is different from determining whether information is secret or private. [09:35] The tool that Vicki shares in this episode (Zones of Intimacy and Zones of Privacy) involves two sets of concentric circles. She explains what these circles represent in both zones. [11:02] We learn how the Zones of Privacy correspond with the Zones of Intimacy. [16:17] What it means for your Zones of Intimacy and Zones of Intimacy to match up. [21:43] Vicki recaps what she has covered in today's episode. [28:02] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

We all make mistakes or break a commitments from time to time—myself included. Just last week, I was supposed to release a podcast episode about women and boundaries, but it completely slipped my mind that it was the first episode of the month. When things like that happen, the key is to be accountable, plain and simple. Sometimes a simple apology is enough, but for higher-level broken agreements or boundary violations, you'll need a higher level of repair or amends. Tune into this episode to learn more! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #22: When you hold someone accountable for breaking an agreement, most people respond by defending themselves, excusing their behavior, minimizing or rationalizing what they did, or telling you to "lighten up" or asking you "what's your problem?" The two primary reasons most people struggle to be accountable is that they either may have a wobbly sense self, or they know in their heart that they are out of integrity. You may be surprised to learn that when you hold someone accountable, you're actually inviting them to greater intimacy. Accountability is a fundamental relationship skill that's almost on the same level as honesty in terms of how important it is to a relationship. There are several steps involved in being held accountable. 1. Listen to what the person holding you accountable has to say. 2. Tell the truth about what really happened. 3. Own the mistake. 4. Make a repair or amends of some kind. 5. Follow through. Highlights from Episode #22: Vicki addresses a few quick points: gratitude for podcast ratings, the availability of her book Moving Beyond Betrayal in audiobook format, and an acknowledgment of a mistake. [00:48] Today's episode is all about accountability, Vicki explains. She then covers some of the reactions people can have when you confront someone about a broken agreement. [03:12] Vicki covers some of the reasons why people struggle to be accountable. [05:20] Vicki defines accountability, then talks about what it has to do with boundaries. [08:22] We hear about what accountability looks like, and the several steps involved. [10:47] When you're coming up with a repair for a broken agreement, it can be extremely helpful to ask the other person involved what kind of repair they would like. [16:16] The last part of being accountable is following through. [19:47] Vicki explains how accountability is an invitation to greater intimacy. [21:32] Vicki offers some closing advice surrounding accountability. [27:02] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer (audiobook version) 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

For most of us, the line between secrecy and privacy can get blurry. If you've ever wondered whether something is secret or private, you're in good company! Most people struggle to tell the difference. Fortunately, there are three simple questions you can ask yourself to determine whether something is secret or private, whether it's your own information or information someone else has withheld from you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #21: Secret information is intentionally withheld for the purpose of avoiding consequences. In contrast, private information is intentionally withheld for the purpose of creating safety, or protecting yourself or another person. Depending on who you're talking to, almost any of your own personal information is private. In general, the closer a person is to you, the more of your private information you will choose to share. Most of us tend to default toward one end of the continuum or the other. We're either prone to withholding information that should be shared with another person, or we believe others have a right to too much of our private information. These three questions will help you figure out whether something is secret or private: 1) Have I disclosed the information to anyone else, or would I be willing to? 2) Have I lied or omitted data to conceal the information that I'm withholding? or 3) Do I feel guilt or shame about the information that I'm withholding? Highlights from Episode #21: Vicki offers a quick refresher on the primary types of boundaries, and introduces the topic of today's episode. [01:10] We hear about the definitions of secret versus private. [03:08] Vicki offers some examples of private information that you might choose to withhold. [07:53] Most of us default to one side or the other of the continuum of sharing information, Vicki explains. [11:17] How can you figure out whether a piece of information you have is secret or private? Vicki provides three questions that can help you answer this question. [15:58] Vicki points out that it can be scary or challenging to share private information that someone else has a right to know, and gives an example about the importance of honesty. [21:19] Vicki gives advice on what to do if you're holding a secret. [28:31] We hear a recap of today's major points and some closing words of wisdom. [31:37] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

Do you have too much anger? Or not enough? If either of these are true for you, this episode will illuminate the many ways anger can be a gift. I'll also explore the consequences of not expressing anger appropriately, and teach you how to own your anger so that you can make it an ally. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #20: Most of us don't have a good relationship with anger. We usually experience anger at the extremes, or we're afraid of it. When you have a healthy relationship with anger, it becomes a gift and an ally. We often think of emotions as good or bad based on how they make us—or others—feel. But emotions aren't inherently good or bad. Anger is an emotion, and is therefore simply an experience, or reality. When it comes to not expressing anger appropriately, there are two options: too much, or not enough. Rage is an example of too much anger, or an unhealthy expression of anger. On the other end of the continuum, someone may fake a smile, pretend not to be angry, or refuse to express their true feeling at all. Anger offers several valuable gifts. It can give you a signal that something isn't working in your life or in a particular relationship. It can also indicate that a limit or boundary has been crossed. Or, your anger may be telling you that you need to do some self-care. Highlights from Episode #20: Vicki introduces this episode's topic: how to make anger your ally. [00:47] We hear some examples of why someone might have a conflicted or challenging relationship with anger. [04:02] Vicki explains the value of getting a reality check from others about their anger. [10:24] The metaphor of blood circulating throughout the physical body is a useful one for thinking about how emotions need to circulate in our minds/psyches. [14:08] Vicki explores the gifts of anger. [15:31] Often, anger is a sign that we need to set a boundary, and Vicki gives some examples. [18:51] We hear about the consequences of not expressing anger. [20:43] Vicki shares insights into how to manage and own your anger. [25:26] Sometimes, you may realize that you just want to release your anger instead of trying to make a request or do something about the situation. [30:57] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Anger Busting 101: The New ABCs for Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them by Newton Hightower The Anger Busting Workbook: Simple, Powerful Techniques for Managing Anger & Saving Relationships by James A. Baker Pia Mellody

Today's episode is all about what's called "offending from the victim position." It's such a crucial concept to understand when it comes to healthy boundaries that I am dedicating this episode to Pia Mellody, who coined the term. I'll go into depth to explain what offending from the victim position means, as well as why it's so problematic. I'll also share some tips to avoid this boundary-less and problematic behavior. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #19: To offend means to cause to feel upset, annoyed, or resentful. Therefore, it's a subjective experience. When you see yourself as a victim, you feel less-than, your self-esteem goes down, and you may feel a sense of powerlessness, shame, or pain. Because these are such negative feelings, a common response for many is to attempt to get back at the person or situation that you see as the cause of your painful feelings. While it's tempting to retaliate or take revenge as a way to get your power back when someone offends you, it is not a healthy expression of authentic personal power. There are several reasons to avoid retaliating as a response to feeling offended. First, it typically places you outside your own value system and creates an integrity failure. Second, every action has a ripple effect, and actions have consequences. Finally, when you reflect on your choice to offend from the victim position, you will probably have an emotional hangover, or otherwise feel guilt or shame about your behavior. Highlights from Episode #19: Vicki introduces the topic of today's episode. [00:48] We learn about what it means to offend from the victim position, and Vicki introduces an example from her own life. [04:24] As a result of seeing yourself as a victim, you feel less-than or you go one-down in terms of your esteem. Vicki explores why this is the case, and what can happen next. [10:01] Vicki talks about the temptation to retaliate when someone has offended you, and why we need to avoid doing it. [16:35] We hear about how to avoid offending from the victim position in the future. [23:19] In the example that Vicki has been using throughout the episode, Vicki shares how she chose to respond to what might have been perceived by many to be an offending event. [31:31] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Pia Mellody

Today's title may sound cryptic and odd, but by the time you've listened to this episode, I promise you will totally get it! I'll cover what is called the "internal boundary" using a recent event from my own life that will help clarify exactly what the internal boundary is and how it works. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #18: The internal boundary is the boundary that all of us have—or should have. When you experience an event or situation, you filter that experience through your perception and judgments. You then decide what you think and how you feel, and decide want to do about what you've experienced—if anything. This is how the internal boundary works. When your internal boundary is solid, you respond rather than react. When you're trying to decide what to do about an issue, take a moment to think about how important it is to you. Rate it on a scale of 1-10, and use that to help you decide. If you rate something as a 7 or higher, you probably need to respond in some way, rather than letting it go. Highlights from Episode #18: Vicki introduces the topic (and the title) of today's episode. [00:48] To illuminate the internal boundary and how it works, Vicki offers a simple example of what happened to her—internally—when she made the mundane realization that the spatula she wanted to use was in the dishwasher. [04:54] Vicki discusses Step 1 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process, then returns to talking about the spatula incident. [13:28] When you experience something that you don't like (especially when it has to do with another person), most of us have a default toward either talking to the other person about it or letting it go. Take a moment and ask yourself what your default is. [17:34] Vicki talks about the expression, "would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?" [20:01] Vicki discussed the three options of what to do shen something another person does doesn't work for you. [24:24] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukov

I'm delighted to have Sheri Winston on the podcast today as my guest to talk about sexual boundaries! Sheri is a Wholistic Sexuality teacher and an award-winning author. In our conversation today, we'll explore in-depth the topic of sexuality and boundaries, particularly for women—but also for men, and anyone in between. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #17: Far from being boring or bad, boundaries create freedom. If you have a hard time appreciating the benefits of boundaries, think about your skin: it's a boundary that keeps out harmful things (like microbes), while letting in good things (like nourishing lotion), all while being flexible and moving with you. A process of checking in and scanning your energy centers starting with safety, then going to power, then going to thought and intuition can be applied to any boundary you want to set. The steps in communicating your sexual boundaries include checking in with yourself, being a good teacher of your boundaries, listening to what Sheri calls the Guardian and the Gatekeeper, as well as tuning into your Lover and your Warrior. If you consistently struggle with protecting your boundaries, a helpful tool is to imagine that the person you need to stand up to is coming after your sister, your best friend, or even your child. Highlights from Episode #17: Vicki introduces Sheri Winston, today's guest. Sheri shares a bit more about herself and explains what a Wholistic Xexuality teacher is. [00:55] A lot of people see boundaries negatively, Sheri explains, and offers a few metaphors to explain why boundaries are not only helpful, but also a constant in everyday life. [11:23] How does Sheri recommend that women become aware of their sexual boundaries? [18:39] Vicki & Sheri explore the complexity of practicing sexual boundaries moment-by-moment. [28:43] Sheri gives listeners some idea of how to communicate around sexual boundaries, including timing. [31:52] How do you know when a partner (or potential partner) isn't respecting or honoring your sexual boundaries, and what can you do about it? [43:09] Sheri points out that communicating and practicing sexual boundaries is a learning process and that we won't do it perfectly. Mistakes are how we learn. [49:18] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Sheri Winston Intimate Arts Center Women's Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston

When you take a moment to think about you, technology, and boundaries, don't you feel the guilt and pressure? Most of us have a love/hate relationship with technology, and struggle to create boundaries around tech. In this episode, I'll help you define your boundaries around technology and inspire you to own technology, rather than letting technology own you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #16: When you hear the word "consumption" you probably think of food. In reality, you are consuming all of the time you are conscious and awake. Here are some specific signs that you may have a problem with technology: You get online for a specific purpose, and realize later that you haven't completed what you set out to do. You spend more time documenting what you're doing and uploading it to social media than enjoying the moment. You use technology to procrastinate and avoid tasks or goals that need your attention. You're busy, but not productive. You feel out of control around technology. You realize that your use of technology is preventing you from accomplishing goals or dreams. Here are some specific solutions—and boundaries—regarding technology and devices: Track and notice what you're doing now. Do an honest evaluation of whether your relationship with technology is enhancing your life and bringing you closer to your goals. Experiment with not having your devices with you in some settings or situations. Set a timer when using technology or completing a task that requires you to be online, for example. Highlights from Episode #16: Vicki gives an overview of the topic of today's episode: you, technology, and boundaries. [02:30] We hear about consumption in general, as well as consumption in technology specifically. [04:27] Neuroscience has taught us that images are very powerful and stored in a part of the brain that is older than our thoughts. [08:20] Vicki talks about some of the signs that you may have a problem with technology. [12:34] Pay attention to your physiological responses when it comes to using technology. [20:06] We hear about some solutions regarding technology and devices. [28:30] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Sheri Winston and the Intimate Arts Center Women's Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston Sheri Winston's books on Amazon.com Rob Bell and The RobCast kSafe by Kitchen Safe

This is the fifth of a five-part series taking a deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. If you haven't heard the episodes covering the first four steps, go back to Episode #10 and start there so that you can get a firm foundation for all five steps. Today, you'll learn how to evaluate the results of your boundary work, and what to do if the boundary you attempted to set wasn't as successful as you had hoped. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #15: If the boundary you created as a result of working Steps 1-4 has been successful—even if it wasn't 100% perfect—it's time to celebrate! If the boundary didn't turn out as you planned, or the person you established a boundary with broke an agreement, there are almost always more steps you can take. If your boundary didn't work, ask yourself three questions: Did you follow through on what you committed to in Step 4? If you made a request of another person, was the agreement clear? Was the agreement broken, or was there a boundary violation? Your response to a broken agreement should be in proportion to the importance of the issue to you. In other words, you wouldn't immediately file for divorce if your spouse forgot to take the trash out one week. It's important to understand the difference between punishment, consequences, and self-care, and to not allow someone else to cause you to believe that you are "punishing" them with your boundaries, when in fact the boundary was a natural consequence, an act of self-care, or both. Highlights from Episode #15: Vicki offers a quick overview of the four steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution. [01:34] Step 5 is about evaluating the results of your boundary work, and making course corrections if needed. [06:42] If a boundary didn't work, start by asking yourself three specific questions. [10:06] We hear about some potential mistakes that one can make during this step. [14:38] There are several options in cases of broken agreements or boundary violations. [16:45] Vicki makes a distinction between three concepts: self-care, consequences, and punishment. [23:04] One option when you're working through Step 5 is that you need to return to Step 1 to work the 5-SBS around the new issue or problem. [27:46] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level by Gay Hendricks, PhD

After last week's episode on the topic of women and boundaries, we're returning to our deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. This episode will focus on Step 4: Taking Action. If you haven't already heard the first three steps of the 5-SBS, go back and listen to Episodes #10-12. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #14: When you're planning what action to take, you need to know whether you have a contract (agreement) with another person, or whether it's just an expectation. Mistaking expectations for agreements can lead to disappointment, frustration, or worse. Demands and requests are on a continuum. On one end, we get our needs met in a very passive way. At the other extreme we make demands. There's a fine—but important—difference between a non-negotiable boundary, which expresses what you are going to do, and an ultimatum, which is a demand. When you want to make a request, there are best practices. First, choose a time when both of you are relatively calm and undistracted, and notice the state of your own nervous system. Ask the other person if they're available to talk about something important, and be willing to take "no" for an answer. Highlights from Episode #14: Vicki introduces Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process: Taking Action. [03:57] There's an important difference between contracts and expectations, as well as between demands and requests. [06:39] Vicki explores the differences between non-negotiable boundaries and ultimatums. [11:50] Making a request is often the most challenging option of the 4 possibilities in Step 4. Vicki discusses best practices for making requests. [16:42] When you want to make a request, avoid these particular things. [21:56] "If you can't accept another person's no, then their yes doesn't mean a whole lot," Vicki explains. [24:59] Vicki offers a refresher on what the four options are in terms of taking action. [26:57] Vicki presents the idea of keeping an agreement journey, as well as why an agreement journal can be helpful. [30:42] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Sheri Winston Intimate Arts Center Women's Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston Byron Katie

The first episode of every month is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. Most women experience apprehension, fear, pushback, resistance, or even hostility when they attempt to establish or improve their boundaries. In this episode, I set the record straight about why it is absolutely not true that you are "putting up walls" when setting personal and relationship boundaries. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #13: Every time you set a boundary by saying "no," you're saying "yes" to something else. Boundaries—and decisions of every kind—always involve this yes/no dynamic, or a limit/freedom dynamic. If everyone said "yes" when they meant "yes," and said "no" when they meant "no," you would know: what you (and other people) do and don't want to spend time on. exactly where you stand with other people. what your intimate partner likes and wants, and what he/she doesn't like or want. As surprising as it may sound, clear boundaries create deeper intimacy rather than putting up walls or creating more distance between two people. When you truly love another person, you don't want him/her to do something outside their value system, something they don't enjoy, or something that makes them deeply uncomfortable. Highlights from Episode #13: Vicki reviews a key concept about the way boundaries work, and offers an example of how boundaries simultaneously create limits and space. [01:40] We hear some real-life examples that illustrate the ways women get pressure from their intimate partners and spouses when they attempt boundary work, and a utopian—yet helpful—vision of what the world would look like if people said "yes" and "no" based on what they really want. [05:13] What do boundaries have to do with connection? [10:01] Vicki shares examples of how women can get pushback or have hesitation or fear around their own boundary work. [16:51] Another example involves wondering whether you're on the wrong track because the person you're trying to establish a boundary with is unhappy or angry with you. [23:35] Vicki explores other examples of what can come up when a person is learning about boundary work or improving their boundaries. [26:15] Vicki recaps what she has covered in this episode. [33:47] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, by Greg McKeown Blue Note

Today you'll learn about the third step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process, Identifying Your Power Center. (If you haven't already heard the previous two episodes, I recommend listening to them first.) Most of us have a conflicted, or even negative, relationship with power. Step 3 is all about identifying your power center. Tune in to learn all about power: what it is, its negative and positive aspects, and how to use it as you are developing better personal and relationship boundaries. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #12: Power can be defined as the ability to do something or act in a particular way, or the capacity to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events. Power appears in three general ways along a continuum. On one extreme is power-over. On the other extreme is powerlessness. In the healthy middle is authentic personal power. Most of us default toward one end of this continuum. People who use power-over strategies often make demands or tell others what to do. People closer to the powerless end tend not to use the power that they have. Generally speaking, men tend to default toward the power-over side of the continuum, and women toward the powerless end. A person who acts from a place of authentic personal power realizes that the only person she has power over is herself. She's in touch with her needs and wants, and she's aware of (and accountable for) the impact of her behavior on other people. Highlights from Episode #12: Today, Vicki will cover step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution: Identifying Your Power Center. [02:04] We learn about the definitions of power. [03:53] For most of us, power shows up in three general ways that lie along a continuum. [05:25] Cesar Millan had an episode in his television show, Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan, featuring a powerful CEO who was, on the one hand, very powerful in the workplace, yet powerless around his own dogs' behaviors. This simple example illustrates how we can exercise power differently in different situations. [08:00] Vicki takes a moment to talk about power and gender. [10:34] At best, power-over is controlling—at worst, it's abusive. [14:18] Vicki shares some of the ways you can tell whether you're operating through authentic personal power. [15:48] In this step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process, you'll identify one of four options. [20:29] There are dangers that come with not owning the power you have, or when you attempt to have power in situations where you don't. [29:29] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Cesar Millan Dear Madam President: An Open Letter to the Women Who Will Run the World by Jennifer Palmieri

This episode covers Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. If you're tuning in for the first time, I recommend going back to last week's episode to work through Step 1 before you dive into this show! Step 2 is all about identifying your needs and creating a vision for the outcome you want, so that you can get your needs met. It's important to remember that the outcome you envision needs to be specific, measurable, and clear. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #11: If you aren't aware of what your needs are, or you're unclear on what outcome you want, it will be very difficult to get where you want to go, and you won't be able to create a solution or boundary that meet your needs. A need is a quality or condition that is necessary or required. A common need in a relationship, for example, is honesty. If you feel discomfort, negative feelings, or pain, it could be a sign that you have a need that isn't being met. The needs continuum runs from someone being anti-dependent, or needless and wantless on one extreme, to being too needy or too dependent on the other extreme. Healthy interdependence involves being open to asking for help when you need it, willing to give help when it's asked for, and aware of what your own responsibilities are. Highlights from Episode #11: Today's episode will cover identifying your needs and getting them met. [01:26] Vicki takes a moment to define what needs are. [03:14] Neglect in childhood can cause problems for people in adulthood knowing their needs and getting them met. An example of parents being neglectful in meeting a child's needs is not taking their child to the doctor or the dentist. [06:22] Ideally, in close interpersonal relationships, both people are interdependent rather than being on either end of the needs continuum. [10:25] Vicki explores the needs continuum in more depth, explaining what the extreme on either end looks like. [13:23] We learn more about what interdependence in healthy, functional relationships looks like. - [18:57] The first part of Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution is to identify the unmet needs that you have with regard to the situation. Once you identify your needs, you can create a clear, specific, and measurable vision of an outcome. [24:00] Vicki gives an example of a vague outcome that isn't specific and measurable. [27:24] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Abraham Maslow Maslow's hierarchy of needs Needs Inventory from The Center for Nonviolent Communication

Today and for the next four episodes, I'm going to take a deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. The first step, which is what I'll be covering in this episode, is knowing and owning your reality. When you're working on any issue, you've got to start with knowing exactly what your reality is—what is true for you—and Step 1 will help you do just that. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #10: There are three parts to knowing your reality: identifying the data (or what happened), identifying what you think about the data, and identifying the emotions have as a result of what happened. When you own your reality, you fully face it, and you don't try to change or deny it. You may be challenged around knowing and owning your reality because you grew up in a family where there was deception or secrets. Or you may have been told that you didn't really think or feel something that you in fact did, or your were excessively criticized about your choices or preferences. Many of us have the habit of experiencing something, making up a story about what happened, and then proceeding and acting on what we believe to be the Truth, with a capital "T". Most of us make up stories about what other people do or say that reflect more about our own thoughts and emotions than the person involved. The skill of "least pathological explanation" is helpful to know. Highlights from Episode #10: The step we're going to cover today is knowing and owning your reality. [01:28] You might think that you already know your reality; however, most people struggle with at least one part of the process of identifying their own reality. [05:10] Vicki explains why most of us don't know how to identify our reality, and what can happen when you believe your perceptions, or what you "make up." [10:38] Using a concrete example of a friend being half an hour late for dinner, Vicki walks listeners through this first step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution. [13:09] Our thoughts, or what we make up about events are typically more about us than the other person. [17:35] The third part of Step 1 is identifying your emotions, which is almost always related to your thoughts. [20:58] Vicki invites listeners to take a few moments throughout the day to practice identifying and owning their reality. [23:20] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Pia Mellody

In this episode, you'll learn the basics of a boundary-setting process I created called the 5-Step Boundary Solution. The 5-Step Boundary Solution (5-SBS) is a step-by-step formula that walks you through the process of identifying, creating, and maintaining healthy and effective boundaries. Although the 5-SBS process can be useful for boundaries of all kinds, it was created and is intended for use in adult-adult relationships. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #9: The five steps of the 5-SBS are: Knowing and Owning Your Reality Identifying Your Needs & Creating Your vision Identifying your Power Center Creating and Implementing Your Action Plan Evaluating Your Results To know and own your reality, you need to identify three key things: the data (what you could record with a video camera), what you perceive or think about the data, and your emotions. There are four options in identifying your power center. First, you have the power to change the situation. Second, you can ask for help. Third, you can make a request of another person. Finally, you may be powerless. If you reach step five and find that the process hasn't worked because the person broke the agreement or didn't follow through, you have a new situation and can begin again at step one and work through the process again. Get a fillable PDF download of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier to walk you through the 5-SBS process here. Highlights from Episode #9: Vicki offers some background on how and why she created the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. [01:26] Concrete example to help clarify the upcoming steps. [06:29] The first step of the 5-SBS is Knowing and Owning Your Reality. Vicki digs into this topic using the example she outlined earlier. [08:08] The second step of the 5-SBS is about getting your needs met and creating a vision for what the outcome you want. In Vicki's example, these needs might be a sense of safety, comfort, or even connection. [18:15] The third (and particularly important) step is Identifying Your Power Center. [24:25] The fourth step is Creating and Implementing Your Action Plan. Vicki outlines how this might work in the example she has been using throughout the episode. [27:08] The fifth and final step is Evaluating Your Results, or what happened as a result of what you did. [31:57] Vicki reads a passage from her book, Moving Beyond Betrayal, to elaborate on the fifth step of the 5-SBS. [37:10] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Pia Mellody List of needs from The Center for Nonviolent Communication Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd Edition: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall Rosenberg

The first episode of each month is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. In this episode, we'll dig into the topic of saying "no." I'll talk about why "no" should be celebrated whether we're saying it or others are they're saying it to us. We'll also explore strategies and tools to help you avoid saying "yes" when you really want to say "no." Biggest Takeaways From Episode #8: "No" is a complete sentence, and the ultimate boundary. It's a hard stop, and is is a non-negotiable boundary. When it comes to sexual consent, a "no" from another person must be accepted. Period. In this episode we'll be focusing on garden variety, everyday "nos" rather than the more serious issue of sexual consent. Because women tend to be more collaborative in their problem-solving and conflict resolution in general, they generally struggle more to say "no" than men do. With that said, saying "no" gets easier the more you practice—you're flexing that figurative muscle. There are various reasons to celebrate the "no!" For example, when you're saying "no," you're saying "yes" to the other things that are more important than you. When other people say "no" to you, you get clarity about where they stand and where you stand with them. Strategies for saying "no" when it feels difficult include delaying the response, saying you're not available (without explaining or justifying), offering an alternative (if you genuinely mean it), or ignoring the request. Highlights from Episode #8: There are some differences between men and women when it comes to say "no." There are also differences in the way people respond to a direct, clear "no." [02:48] Time is finite and limited. When you say "yes" to something you really wanted to say "no" to, you may be delaying your goals and dreams. [08:22] Another danger of saying "yes" when you really mean "no" is that you may create a resentment, which is victim anger. [12:54] Vicki talks about some compelling reasons why we should celebrate the "no," whether it's our own or others'. [14:46] Strategies for responding to someone when you know you want to say "no" but you're feeling challenged. [24:15] Vicki recaps what we've covered in this episode, and offers listeners a homework assignment. [32:47] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women's Development by Carol Gilligan Pia Mellody Dave Ramsey

***Victoria has a NEW boundaries podcast! Click this link for Boundaries Queen.*** If you're worried about making mistakes when setting boundaries, this episode is for you! I'll share the six most common mistakes people make when they're getting started with boundary work. You'll also learn helpful, easy-to-learn strategies for avoiding these mistakes so that you can take your boundary work to the next level. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #7: There are six common mistakes in setting boundaries: not understanding power by either underestimating or overestimating how much you have, confusing boundaries with demands, making unclear agreements which often set you up for disappointment or broken agreements, not being committed to the response you chose for broken agreements or boundary violations, not knowing what to do when a boundary doesn't work, and using ultimatums instead of boundaries. Setting good boundaries isn't the same as telling other people what to do. Boundaries build connections in the long term, but telling other people what to do isn't relational, or a long-term, healthy strategy. When you aren't committed to the response you state for a boundary, it can cause huge problems for you. You lose credibility both with others, and more importantly, with yourself. The difference between a non-negotiable boundary and an ultimatum is that ultimatums involve a power-over strategy that comes across as threatening or intimidating. Ultimatums can sound like non-negotiable boundaries, but there's a distinct difference Highlights from Episode #7: The first mistake people often make when learning boundary work is not realizing the power that they have, or thinking they have more power than they do. [01:40] The second common mistake is confusing demands with boundaries. [04:51] Making an unclear agreement with another person is the third common mistake people make when setting boundaries. [08:51] The fourth mistake that people make when they're starting to do boundary work is telling someone what you're going to do or how you're going to respond to a situation, but not being committed to your response. [14:32] Vicki explains why not being committed to your response to a boundary violation is a barrier to intimacy with others. [17:30] The fifth common mistake is not knowing what to do when boundaries "don't work." [21:05] For a more detailed look at what to do when boundaries don't work, take a look at the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier to identify, establish, and maintain healthy boundaries. [22:57] The sixth and final mistake people make when learning boundary work is relying on ultimatums instead of setting a boundary. This is similar to confusing demands and boundaries, but takes using a "power over" strategy to the next level. [23:54] Vicki highlights some of the problems with using ultimatums v. good boundary work. [28:15] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

***Victoria has a NEW boundaries podcast! Click this link for Boundaries Queen.*** You'll learn about the kind of responses or reactions you're likely to encounter as you start setting or improving your boundaries. We'll also talk about non-negotiable boundaries—what they are and how you go about establishing them. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #6: When you start setting boundaries, or changing existing ones, you should expect that you're going to get a range of negative responses or reactions. Responses can range from simple resistance or pushback all the way to hostility or even threats. Guilt and shame are distinct emotions. Guilt is what you feel when you do something outside of your value system (such as stealing). Shame is more intense and involves embarrassment. Your response to other people's reactions about your boundaries depends on their reaction. If someone freezes you out, do nothing and allow them to come back to you eventually. If someone pushes back, stick to your talking points, mirror back what they said, or say nothing. If someone is aggressive or violent, take a relational time-out. If you're getting repeated pushback or hostility, you may need to decide whether or not you want to stay in the relationship. There are two types of non-negotiable boundaries: personal or relationship. Non-negotiable personal boundaries include physical or sexual boundaries. Non-negotiable relationship boundaries are things you must have or things you cannot tolerate in a relationship—also known as relationship deal-breakers. Highlights from Episode #6: When you start to set or improve boundaries, you can expect some very specific responses from those around you. Vicki lists some examples of these reactions. [01:56] Vicki takes a moment to discuss the emotions of guilt and shame, and distinguishes between the two before returning to potential reactions to boundaries. [05:18] You can't impose a boundary on another person, but you can create agreements and make requests. [07:20] When you get pushback from another person, you can practice what are called an internal or listening boundary. (These are also described in episode 2.) [11:50] Vicki details the strategies she used in the example conversation she has just outlined, then continues with the example. [17:01] We learn some strategies for how to deal with pushback, guilt trips, hostility, or threats. [19:48] Your internal experience when mirroring back to someone shouldn't be to punish them, and can in fact come from a place of compassion. [25:53] In some cases, you may need to take a relational time-out, which involves letting the other person know what you're going to do and when you'll come back. [28:05] The second theme of this episode is non-negotiable boundaries, which can be either personal (such as physical touch or sexual contact) or relationship boundaries (such as abuse or infidelity). [31:35] Vicki recaps what we've covered in today's episode. [37:13] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer How to Take a Relational Time-Out in 6 Steps (PDF download) Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer

I return to our look at foundations of good boundary work, after taking a slight detour last week to talk about women and boundaries. You'll learn four signs that you might need to set a boundary: feeling anger, resentment (or victim-anger), out-of-control, overwhelmed, or getting feedback from other people that you're overstepping limits or are a chronic boundary pusher. Recognizing these four signs, and assessing whether you want to set a boundary, is a great beginning to developing healthy, effective boundaries in every part of your life. Biggest Takeaways from Episode #5: You can't control other people by creating boundaries for them, but you can create boundaries for yourself around you respond. My favorite definition of resentment comes from Pia Mellody: victim anger. When you feel resentful, it's important to ask whether your boundaries have been violated. If not, then you're not actually a victim. Taking on victimhood as an identity is disempowering and a losing strategy both individually and in relationships. When you want to make a change, it's helpful to do so incrementally instead of trying to make a big change all at once. If you're closer to the boundary-less end of the continuum between boundary-less or walled off, pay extra attention to whether or not you're respecting others' boundaries. For example, touching other people without their permission—even in a casual way that feels natural to you—may be perceived as a boundary violation by a person who doesn't like to be touched by acquaintances or strangers, or is a trauma survivor and highly sensitive to unwanted touch. Highlights from Episode #5: One of the barriers to good boundary work is when you don't recognize the need to set a boundary. There are four signs that you probably need to set a boundary. [01:33] The first sign that you may need to set a boundary is feeling anger. [03:29] Feeling resentment, which is anger coupled with the perception of being a victim, is the second sign that you may need to set a boundary. [08:22] There are times when you are a victim of someone else's behavior, but it's dangerous to wear victimhood as a badge of honor or take it on as an identity. [11:55] Feeling overwhelmed or out-of-control is the third sign that you may need to set a boundary. [16:04] The fourth and final sign that you may need to set a boundary is when you repeatedly get feedback from other people that you're overstepping a limit. This is especially relevant with regard to unwanted physical touch. [18:50] A recap of the four signs that you might need to set a boundary[23:09] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer Pia Mellody 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

Every first episode of each month focuses on women and boundaries. Women are vulnerable in ways that men aren't, and the inherent power imbalances in society can contribute to women experiencing more boundary violations. I discuss why these imbalances exist, some of the inherent strengths women have and how those strengths can contribute to boundary challenges. I will devote the first episode of each month to the topic of women and boundaries—so be sure to tune in! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #4: Women have unique issues and topics to address when it comes to boundaries. My first episode of the month will be be dedicated to these women's topics. Men, keep tuning in to better understand and navigate interactions with women. It's problematic to claim to be racially color-blind or gender-blind, because this perspective bypasses important differences and ignores the reality of the way things are. We miss not only the specific challenges, but also the beauty of differences. Women deal with safety issues every day, including considering what time of day to go outside, specific aspects related to travel, and other topics that most men don't need to constantly think about. Research has shown that infant girls have innate differences from boys. For example, infant and toddler girls are better at mimicking what someone else is doing, and hold eye contact longer. These differences make women uniquely gifted at establishing and maintaining connection with others, but can also contribute to women's reluctance or inability to fully own their power. In today's episode, I address topics related to boundaries and women. Women are vulnerable in may ways that men are not, including in the workplace and politics. These disparities and the unbalance of power lead to boundary violations. With that said, it's important to be clear that these systems and disparities aren't perpetuated only by men. I also talk about why these imbalances exist, the inherent differences between men and women, and some unique boundary-related topics that women face. In future first-of-the-month episodes, I'll cover more about women and boundaries, so tune in today and in the future! Highlights from Episode #4: In This Episode: What it looks like when men are unconscious around issues of boundaries with women. [02:21] Some of the specific challenges that women have when it comes to boundaries include safety-related topics. [08:38] Generally speaking, women tend to be vulnerable in ways that men are not. [11:47] When you have a power imbalance in the workplace, it's very problematic to describe any sexual interaction as consensual. [13:55] The role of boundaries in safety, and how much time women spend focused on safety and scanning for danger. [18:42] Topics surrounding sexual boundaries in terms of keeping women safe. [25:24] Some boundary challenges relate to women's unique and inherent strengths. [27:02] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer Brené Brown

I cover the whole spectrum of boundaries—from boundary-less to walled off, including what boundaries look like when they're in balance. Plus, I'll talk about the difference between boundary ruptures and boundary violations and give plenty examples of each. Boundary ruptures and boundary violations can be traumatic, and in future episodes, I'll be going into detail about how to respond when someone breaks an agreement with you or violates a boundary. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #3: To understand boundaries in balance and at the extremes, picture a straight line between two extremes of a boundaries continuum. One extreme is being behind a wall where you're not available either physically, sexually, or emotionally. At the other extreme a person has no boundaries, is too vulnerable, or may have no boundaries with other people. In between the two extremes, there is a healthy middle. When your boundaries are in balance, you feel protected, you protect other people from your own boundary-less behavior, while at the same time being vulnerable. Your boundaries are strongly influenced by the culture you grew up in as well as what you learned from your family growing up. Cultural norms for boundaries aren't necessarily good or bad; however, you get to decide what boundaries feel right for you. What is the difference between a boundary rupture and a boundary violation? Knowing the difference will help you figure out how you want to respond. In today's episode I cover the whole spectrum of boundaries—from boundary-less to walled off, including what boundaries look like when they're in balance. Plus, I'll talk about the difference between boundary ruptures and boundary violations and give plenty examples of each. Boundary ruptures and boundary violations can be traumatic, and in future episodes I'll be going into detail about how to respond when someone breaks an agreement with you or violates a boundary. Highlights from Episode #3: In This Episode: What boundaries look like when they're out of balance. [02:12] Cultural differences when it comes to the way boundaries work in interpersonal relationships. [06:22] The two extremes on the boundaries continuum—being walled off or being too vulnerable. [09:00] The healthy middle between the two extremes. [11:31] Boundary ruptures and boundary violations. [12:57] Examples of boundary violations. [20:59] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer Robin Williams groped and flashed me on set, says Mork & Mindy co-star, The Guardian, March 21, 2018.

***Victoria has a NEW boundaries podcast! Click this link for Boundaries Queen.*** Today I dive deeper into defining boundaries so that you can understand the different types and how they function. One of the most important concepts in this episode is that physical and sexual boundaries are non-negotiable—meaning a "no" to physical or sexual touch is not negotiable. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #2: Boundaries give you a sense of safety, create clarity, and help you make important improvements in your life as you set limits. Good boundary-setting skills give you the ability to act from a place of authentic personal power rather than having power over. Authentic personal power means you act from a place of integrity, respect, and taking action over what you have power over. The five boundaries are: physical, sexual, talking, listening, and the personal energy boundary. The two functions of boundaries are to protect you and others, and to define who you are through how you choose to share yourself with others physically, sexually, intellectually, and emotionally. In today's episode I dive deeper into defining boundaries so that you can understand the different types and how they function. One of the most important concepts in this episode is that physical and sexual boundaries are non-negotiable—meaning a "no" to physical or sexual touch is not negotiable. Highlights from Episode #2: How boundaries provides clarity. [03:03] What good boundaries can do for you. [06:46] How boundaries also give you the ability to know where you stand in important relationships. [12:15] How boundaries give you the ability to define who you are and express your authentic self. [16:48] The two functions of boundaries. [17:19] Overview of the five boundaries. [20:02] Physical and sexual boundaries are non-negotiable personal boundaries. [20:04] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer Pia Mellody Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody The Intimacy Factor by Pia Mellody The Meadows

***Victoria has a NEW boundaries podcast! Click this link for Boundaries Queen.*** In this first episode, I want to begin laying the foundation for you to create your very best personal and relationship boundaries. So many people are either uninformed or misinformed about boundaries, and I want you to have all the information you need to help you feel more confident about how boundaries work. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #1: If you're feeling clueless about how personal and relationship boundaries work, or you think they're selfish, rigid, or bitchy, you're in the right place! Setting boundaries is the key to getting both the space you need and the connection you crave. Boundaries are anything that defines space between one thing or another. Doors, lines between lanes on a highway, or stop signs and lights are all examples of boundaries we encounter in our daily life. In relationships, boundaries are about creating protection—either for you or for others. If you don't feel safe personally or in relationships, you can't progress to higher level needs like affection, love, and self-actualization. When you start setting boundaries, be prepared for resistance and pushback. That means you're on the right track! Results you can expect from better boundaries, and why boundaries are absolutely not bitchy. In today's episode I want to begin laying the foundation for you to create your very best personal and relationship boundaries. So many people are either uninformed or misinformed about boundaries, and I want you to have all the information you need to help you feel more confident about how boundaries work. Highlights from Episode #1: Welcome, and what you can expect from this and future episodes. The first 4-6 episodes will be devoted to the fundamentals of effective boundary work. [00:40] Intro to Vicki, how she got here, and why she's so passionate about teaching boundaries. [01:52] Boundaries defined. [06:22] What are personal and relationship boundaries, and how they create safety. [09:05] How people in your life may react when you start setting—or upleveling—boundaries. [15:09] Benefits of learning better boundaries. [20:30] Myths and misconceptions about boundaries. [23:50] Boundaries aren't a punishment, or telling another person what to do. [26:01] Preview of upcoming episodes. [32:35] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer Abraham Maslow Maslow's hierarchy of needs Essentialism by Greg McKeown