Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Right now, in the United States, trauma is speaking. Prejudice and racism wounds, and are potentially traumatizing to anyone who experiences them. But listening to another person's trauma is a challenging thing to do, especially if we perceive that we may have played a part in their experience — even when remaining silent or looking away. Let's talk about how to listen when trauma speaks. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #93: The listening boundary is the most challenging boundary for most of us. When we feel at fault or like we're being blamed for trauma, it takes the listening boundary to a whole new level. Prejudice and racism are spread very much like the coronavirus; people who appear not to be infected can infect quite a few people, and the results can be deadly. What has happened since Mr. Floyd's death is the result of centuries of oppression, discrimination, and systemic, institutionalized racism. Notice any urges you have to defend, explain, or make the other person feel better. This is usually a sign that you've strayed into defensiveness. Highlights from Episode #93: Vicki makes a clarification, then introduces today's episode on how to listen when trauma speaks. [00:39] We hear Vicki's thoughts on the use of the words "white" and "Black" to describe people. She then shares some of her own journey. [04:19] Despite having intentionally and actively worked against it, Vicki still counts herself as a product of the racial conditioning that she received as a child. [11:17] Vicki shares a jaw-dropping story about unaware racism. [18:03] Discomfort can make it difficult to listen when trauma speaks. [22:36] What's the solution? How do we listen to another person's trauma? Vicki offers some tips and advice, and emphasizes the importance of listening. [30:01] Vicki offers some observations about the way that white people try to make things better, but end up making them worse. [34:43] White people will never know what it feels like to be a person of color. Vicki invites white listeners to have curiosity, embrace humility, and to try to stay open to the reality that others may have very different life circumstances and experiences. [39:12] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Kenneth and Mamie Clark's Doll Experiments Jane Elliott (Blue Eyes & Brown Eyes Exercise) Toni Morrison Maya Angelou J. California Cooper Angela Davis Alice Walker Zora Neale Hurston Leon Waters Center for the Healing of Racism

The title may be wishful thinking, but I want to make a case for it! Boundaries are about protection, and in boundaries terms, wearing a face mask is about protecting other people. I want to dig into this today, and talk about wearing a mask as an act of compassion, courage, honor, strength, and patriotism. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #92: Two factors, among many, that contribute to our COVID-19 death rate in the US are our failed healthcare system and our rugged individualistic mindset. In the US, we have under 5% of the world's population, but almost a third of the worldwide deaths from COVID. We also have a collective denial around the toxic legacy of slavery in the US, and how that legacy has contributed to health and healthcare disparities by race. The coronavirus mortality rate for Black Americans is 2.4 times higher than for white Americans. Instead of coming together to fight the virus, we're engaged in a mask war. Imagine how differently things might have gone, and how many lives might have been saved, if US citizens had been inspired to view wearing masks and physical distancing as patriotic and honorable actions. Wearing a face mask is an act of accountability. It's an honest and humble admission that you're not sure if you can infect someone, and a choice to do what you can to protect others. Highlights from Episode #92: Welcome to episode 92! Vicki starts off with a story about her time with Thich Nhat Hanh in the 1990s. [00:39] Vicki talks about the current pandemic numbers, which are staggering when it comes to the number of deaths in the US. [05:48] We're now engaged in a mask war, Vicki points out. She then explains the role of masks in boundaries terms. [09:08] Vicki invites listeners to imagine what it might have been like if the country had been inspired to wear masks and practice physical distancing as patriotic actions. [13:00] We hear about accountability, as well as a powerfully disarming question you can ask when you need to make amends. [16:13] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Thich Nhat Hanh Coronavirus Map: Tracking the Global Outbreak, The New York Times, May 28, 2020 The Color of Coronavirus: COVID-19 Deaths by Race and Ethnicity in the U.S., APM Research Labs, May 27, 2020 U.S. Defense Spending Compared to Other Countries, Peter G. Peterson Foundation, May 13, 2020

Last week, I had a totally new realization about a new boundaries framework. I stumbled on another way to conceptualize the way we experience boundaries or limits, and that's what I want to share with you today. This is all about the hierarchy of boundaries, and whether or not boundaries are optional. Do some of us get a pass on boundaries, or get to decide that boundaries don't apply? Tune in as I talk about anyone is "above the law" as it comes to boundaries. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #91: The hierarchy of boundaries has six levels. In order, these are: personal limits, relationship limits, limits we create with other people with agreement, rules or regulations, laws, and universal laws. The first two levels are all about boundaries that you have the power to create as you navigate your relationships with other people (or yourself). Both of these boundaries are ones where you have control. The next two levels involve agreements with other people. In the third level, you have the power to make an agreement with someone else; in the fourth, you make your choice to be subject to rules and regulations by choosing to be part of an organization or community. Violating the boundaries in the fifth level, laws, can carry serious consequences, even up to losing your life if you're sentenced to the death penalty. The sixth level is the level at which none of can escape the consequences of boundaries or limits. Highlights from Episode #91: Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode, and introduces this week's topic. [00:39] There is a hierarchy of the way that we experience limits, Vicki explains, and briefly introduces the six levels. [02:37] We hear about the first and second levels of the hierarchy in more depth. [05:13] The third level is about creating boundaries by agreement with other people. [08:27] The next level of the hierarchy involves rules and regulations of organizations or communities. [11:15] The fifth level involves laws created by nations or states. [13:01] Vicki gives examples of situations where someone may escalate through the levels of boundaries. [14:53] We learn about the final level in the hierarchy of limits, which is universal laws like gravity, time, and viruses like COVID-19. [17:24] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram

How do you stop or change thoughts that harm you? This time of uncertainty, vocational insecurity, job loss, and other upheavals is the perfect opportunity to explore being more aware of our thinking, and how our thoughts impact our emotions (and our lives). Let's talk about seven ways you can turn around unproductive or harmful thoughts. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #90: Even in the best of times, our thoughts are usually our worst enemy. Your thoughts create your emotions, and negative thoughts damage your confidence. In other words, our thoughts profoundly influence every area of our lives. Examples of harmful thoughts include replaying a small incident over and over in your mind, getting over-involved in what other people are doing, or thoughts that you're inadequate or less-than. One of the best ways to stop unproductive and painful thinking is simply to divert your thoughts. Another option is to connect with your senses. Most of us are masters at finding evidence to support our negative thoughts. Try turning this around and finding evidence of what you want to experience more of. Stop hanging out with people who are negative, or who damage your confidence. Another strategy is to write down all of your hurtful, unproductive, or toxic thoughts. Highlights from Episode #90: Welcome to Episode 90! Vicki shares her wishes for listeners, and makes an announcement about her upcoming free live call about how the pandemic is giving us all a masterclass on boundaries. Click here to sign up! [00:39] Vicki dives into today's topic: how to stop unproductive and harmful thinking. [02:31] Thoughts happen to us; we don't choose them. Vicki shares a simple question to prove this point, and talks about the role of thoughts in our mood. [05:51] What are unproductive thoughts? Vicki gives some examples to clarify. [13:44] Vicki starts talking about solutions, and shares seven ways to stop unproductive and painful thinking. [20:08] We hear about Byron Katie and her powerful process called The Work. [28:04] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Pia Mellody How a Global Pandemic is Giving Us a Masterclass on Boundaries. Free Live Call with Vicki May 13, 2020. Click here to sign up. Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #43: Increase Your Confidence With These 5 Boundaries Byron Katie, The Work

The challenges around structure, limit-setting, and boundaries are continuing throughout the coronavirus situation, so this is another of what I'm calling "The Pandemic Episodes." What does life look like if it stays the same for many months — or years — to come? When one day blurs into another, it's so easy to fall into bad habits. Grab a pen and some paper, and get ready for a workshop-inspired episode to help you fix what's not working in your schedule. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #89: Whenever you want to change something, the first thing to do is to review what's not working in the situation so you can figure out what to do about it. Get a piece of paper and write it down! Next, write down all of the possible solutions for each problem you've come up with. Don't censor yourself; write down whatever comes to mind. Once you have your potential solutions, come up with a strategy that will work for you. Try pairing something you want to do with something you're already doing. Calendarizing is so important. Each week, write out a calendar for what you want to accomplish the next week. Highlights from Episode #89: Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, which will help you get a better schedule! She starts off by talking about what she's seeing in Houston, Texas. [00:40] We hear Vicki's thoughts on how long the current situation will continue, and how that relates to today's episode. [05:24] Vicki shares the first step when you want to change something. [08:04] The next step is to write down all of the possible solutions. Vicki talks about this strategy, as well as about figuring out what kind of structure works for you. [10:54] Your next assignment in this workshop episode is to come up with a strategy or plan. [14:51] Vicki talks about her process for writing out her weekly calendar. [15:59] Be willing to adjust, revisit, and course-correct anything that's not working for you. And don't forget, baby steps! [19:28] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Strategic Coach Bullet Journal

I hope you and your loved ones are safe and healthy during this pandemic. A few weeks ago, when I did my first episode about COVID-19, I thought that would be my only episode on the topic. But here I am doing Part 3, because things continue to shift and change. This one will be a bit different than usual, with more of a hodgepodge of random thoughts around the pandemic. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #88: This is a scary time, and a lot of us need comfort during this disorienting experience. Look for the unique ways you can find comfort, whether it's food, listening to someone who makes you laugh, wearing something meaningful, or whatever you find comforting. A lot of us are experiencing brain fog on some level, and feeling like every day is the same as the one before. If you've noticed your thoughts aren't as clear as usual, take comfort in knowing you aren't alone! This pandemic has pushed us outside of our comfort zone, with everything from wearing a mask to not hugging our loved ones. Wearing (or not wearing) a face mask may begin to signal political views. This is extremely dangerous, as this potential divide can lead to deep problems on many levels. Highlights from Episode #88: Welcome to Episode 88 of the podcast! Vicki makes a quick announcement about her new online course for women, the Radiant Threefold Path Maiden Voyage. [00:39] Vicki reads the list of topics from her brief outline for today's episode, and shares a few examples of how you can tell that facing a virus is a kind of boundary violation. [08:40] We hear about the need for comfort during this time. [11:39] It's okay to find humor and laugh when things are difficult, sad, or even painful , Vicki points out. [17:40] You may be experiencing brain fog on some level. Vicki gives an example of one of her own experiences with brain fog. [19:23] Vicki talks about kindness, and gives a couple of touching examples. [22:51] We hear about masks and civil war, with Vicki sharing her concerns about what will happen as places begin to reopen. [28:42] Vicki invites listeners to be very suspicious about what we make up, and talks about internal boundaries. [32:29] The last random thought on Vicki's list is massage parlors, which may not be what most people think they're talking about. [37:02] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Radiant Threefold Path Maiden Voyage Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #85: How a Global Pandemic Is Giving Us a Master Class on Boundaries Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #87: How COVID-19 is Giving Us a Master Class on Boundaries (Part 2) Caroline Myss Pro Podcast Solutions Episodes on the internal and/or listening boundary: Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #37: The Listening Boundary Part I Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #39: The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #40: The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #18: The Knife & The Spatula: Knowing When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

A couple of episodes ago, I talked about how the pandemic is giving all of us a master class in the way boundaries work. Since then, it's become clear that those weren't the only lessons we can be learning. Today, I'll dig into several more lessons we can learn, and talk about how they relate to fundamental principles of personal and relationship boundaries. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #87: If you go down a rabbit hole, it's easy for fear to get the best of us right now. In general, though, fear isn't something to ignore. Instead, pay attention to your emotions. Just because a person or institution decides it's okay to ease up a little bit doesn't mean you need to feel comfortable with that or act accordingly. Some people are essentially oppositional to limits and boundaries; their first answer is just "no." People have a right to think the virus is a hoax or to take a calculated risk, but there will be consequences not only to them but also potentially to many other people. As restrictions are eased, there will be a gradual flow from quarantine to freedom. This transition from a harsh boundary to a less severe limit can mirror a dynamic in a relationship that had a serious breach of trust. Pay attention to your own reality, your own thoughts based on facts, and your own emotions based on those facts. Then do what you feel is comfortable and right for you. Highlights from Episode #87: Vicki welcomes listeners to today's episode, and explains that she'll talk about more lessons in boundaries that the pandemic is giving all of us. [00:39] We hear a quick review of the five ways that the pandemic is giving us a lesson in boundaries that Vicki covered in Episode 85. [03:03] Something that Vicki didn't mention in this previous episode about paying attention to your emotions at this time is the (understandable) fear you might be feeling. [09:34] Vicki shares a story she heard from her husband this week, and talks about the first of the new lessons for this episode. [11:31] We learn about another way this pandemic is giving us a master class in boundaries. [17:18] COVID-19 is teaching us about transitioning from a harsh boundary to a less severe limit. [23:22] Vicki brings up an important point: if you live somewhere that guidelines aren't being followed but you choose to follow them, you may experience some pushback. [28:26] We hear a quick recap of what Vicki has talked about in this episode. [31:08] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #85: How a Global Pandemic Is Giving Us a Master Class on Boundaries

During this global pandemic, options for having fun have been whittled away for most of us. This got me to thinking about the intersection of boundaries and fun, and that's what we're going to explore together today! I'll share five ways to have fun with boundaries, and I hope you'll come up with your own examples too. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #86: When you learn how personal and relationship boundaries work, they can actually be fun! Expect it to take some time to reach this point, though. One way you can have fun with boundaries is to use emojis. Sometimes just a simple emoji (or a fun Bitmoji) is all you need to communicate if you'd like to limit communication. A short, simple phrase or one-word response can also serve the same purpose. When you need to have a conversation with someone who is difficult or can talk nonstop, schedule a conversation with them shortly before a firm commitment. It's not always easy to do, but try having fun with boundaries by not picking up anything that someone else tries to give you. Metaphorically, don't extend your hand and take what doesn't belong to you. You can even have fun by making a game of being prepared with your boundaries toolbox. Highlights from Episode #86: Welcome back to the podcast! Vicki talks about today's topic: the intersection of boundaries and fun. [00:39] The first way to have fun with boundaries is simple: use emojis! [04:15] Vicki talks about the second way you can have fun with boundaries, which is using a short phrase or even saying nothing at all! [07:55] One of Vicki's favorite ways to have fun with boundaries involves strict time limits. [13:09] The fourth way to have fun with boundaries is to not pick up anything that someone else is trying to give you. [15:31] Finally, you can have fun with boundaries by anticipating certain situations in advance and bringing your boundaries toolbox along. [18:00] Vicki recaps the five ways she's talked about to have fun with boundaries.[24:19] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Bitmoji Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1: Boundaries: What They Are and Why They're So Misunderstood Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #58: Codependency & Boundaries Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #74: 8 Phrases to Help You Keep the Peace During the Holidays

I hope you are safe, well, and healthy during these uncertain and frightening times. We're all making adjustments, but I'm profoundly grateful to have my health and to be here to talk to you today. Instead of sticking with my planned topic, let's take this time to reflect on five specific lessons of the master class that this virus is giving all of us. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #85: Our personal health impacts the whole. It has never been more obvious than it is now that if you're not taking care of your own health, you're endangering the health of others. The first lesson is that boundaries are about protection. One person's infection can impact thousands of people. That leads to the second point: when someone or something is offensive, you must take drastic actions. Boundaries create space. I've talked about this before on the podcast, but the impact of COVID-19 explains this concept in a new way. This situation is an opportunity for you to tune into your emotions and figure out where you need to set some limits. Highlights from Episode #85: Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode, and shares her well-wishes for everyone in these unprecedented times. She also talks about how much the world has changed in the last few weeks. [00:40] We learn about how the virus relates to boundaries, with Vicki expressing the virus' behavior in the language of boundaries. [07:51] The first lesson we can learn from this situation is that boundaries are about protection. [11:12] Vicki talks about the second way that this pandemic can teach us about boundaries. [12:31] The third lesson is that when some people don't abide by limits or boundaries, they can endanger all of us. [13:39] The fourth lesson that COVID-19 is teaching us about boundaries is that restrictions and limits create space. [15:11] With the restrictions that you are experiencing, what kind of space has opened for you? [22:02] Vicki talks about the fifth way that the pandemic is giving us a master class on boundaries: tuning into your emotions and setting limits. [23:16] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown

I'll be taking the next few weeks off from the podcast to get moved into my new home — so excited! This is a perfect example of what it looks like to be kind to yourself, which is what this Quick Tips episode is all about. Learn why self-kindness is so important, how you can figure out the best way to be kind to yourself, and what all of this has to do with boundaries. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #84: Most people struggle with being kind to themselves, partly because of a fear of missing out, and partly because being busy is seen as a status symbol. There's so much going on all the time that we tend to push ourselves way too hard. Examples of times when we should be kind to ourselves include when we're not feeling well (mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually), when we've pushed ourselves too hard, or when we're stressed out. How can you be kind to yourself around the particular situation that has you feeling unwell, pressured, or stressed out? Once you've figured out the answer to the question of how to be kind to yourself, take action on it! Make that kindness a reality. Highlights from Episode #84: Welcome to this quick tips episode! Vicki introduces its topic, then talks about her upcoming free Clarity Circle Live Call. Just click the link to sign up! [00:40] Vicki is getting ready to move, so out of self-kindness, she'll be taking a few weeks off from the podcast. [03:26] Let's talk about you being kind to yourself, and what that has to do with boundaries. [04:22] We hear a question that Vicki asks herself about self-kindness. [07:20] Vicki explains that simply figuring out the answer to her question isn't enough. [10:00] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Clarity Circle Live Call with Vicki (February 28, 2020) Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram

How do you feel about not having clarity or answers, or not knowing what to do next? Most of us (including me!) don't like the feeling. But as hard as it is, I want to make the case for uncertainty as a distinct state in its own right, with its own unique brand of clarity. Tune in to learn how to accept uncertainty as a predictable — yet frustrating — part of life. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #83: The uncomfortable way that we feel about (and react to) not knowing is related to control. If we have a lack of clarity, we don't have control over an outcome or making it happen. Contrary to popular notions about boundaries, they are not necessarily constrictive. Boundaries actually create space and safety, which then allow us to relax. This is why we love clarity; it means we know the answer to something or we know what will happen next. Lack of clarity creates a bit of negative activation in our nervous system. The reality is that life is filled with uncertainty and lack of clarity. So how can we make peace with uncertainty? One option is to accept that not-knowing is a very specific state, so accepting a lack of clarity is a kind of clarity in itself. Pushing for clarity or for answers often has the unintended consequence of slowing down the process of getting what we're seeking because people generally don't like to be pressured. Highlights from Episode #83: Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, which is all about not having clarity or answers. [00:39] What does lack of clarity, or not knowing, have to do with boundaries? [03:07] Vicki suggests a solution to the discomfort of lack of clarity: accepting not knowing as a kind of clarity of knowing. [08:00] A consequence of resisting a lack of clarity is that we may try to push a solution or an answer just for the sake of getting clarity. Vicki explains why this can be a problem. [12:37] How can we cultivate the ability to tolerate being in a space or time of not knowing or lacking clarity about something? [15:30] Vicki points out that not knowing, not having an answer, or not knowing what happens next can be frustrating, but explains that there's no need for us to try to push for or orchestrate solutions or answers that aren't yet available to us. [18:55] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown

A lot of listener questions I get have embedded expectations in them. And while not all expectations are bad, they can definitely get us into trouble. Valentine's Day is a great example of this. You may be expecting your partner to give you flowers or show up for you in a certain way, but unless you've expressed this to your partner or you're not willing to take action on what you have power over, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and disconnection. Tune in to learn how to manage expectations and avoid feeling let down! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #82: When we're unhappy with the behavior of another person, it's often because we have an expectation about what they should (or shouldn't) be doing. But not all expectations are bad; when they're used wisely, they can be powerful and positive. There's an important difference between expectations and contracts or agreements. If you have an agreement or contract with another person, not living up to it is a boundary violation. However, it's not a boundary violation if someone doesn't meet an unspoken expectation. When we have unfounded expectations, we'll often be frustrated or upset when our expectation isn't met. But if you don't ask for what you want, you lose your right to complain when you don't get it. If you believe that another person should give you something that you could give to yourself, but you refuse to do so, you have made getting the other person to do what you want them to do more important than getting what you wanted. Highlights from Episode #82: Welcome to this episode of the Beyond Bitchy podcast, which is here just in time for Valentine's Day! [00:40] Vicki defines what expectations are, and explains how we can get in trouble with them. [03:45] [07:27] Your word can establish a reasonable expectation that can cause an understandable upset even when you don't have an agreement with another person. [11:42] What happens when we have unfounded expectations? [14:34] Vicki points out that each of us is the only person responsible for getting our wants or needs met. [18:21] Are all expectations bad? Vicki explains why they're not, and talks about a useful way to utilize expectations. [22:22] Vicki talks more about Valentine's Day and expectations, and offers a specific exercise for listeners. [28:29] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Laura Doyle Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 14: Taking Action! (Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

As surprising as it may sound, you shouldn't tailor your boundary work to the diagnosis of a loved one. Working with hundreds of women over the years, I've found that women tend to be more focused on trying to figure out their loved one's conditions and diagnoses, and that's why I'm dedicating this episode to women. In this episode you'll learn why digging into a loved one's labels and conditions is ultimately a distraction from boundary work, which always starts and ends with you and your reality. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #81: I believe that all of these labels and diagnoses are ultimately distractions, and focusing on them isn't helpful when it comes to creating your limits, standards, and boundaries. When we focus on researching diagnoses, it's not just a waste of our time, but also outside of our circle of control. All of this applies even if you're a licensed physician or mental health treatment provider (even me)! It's not within your circle of control to veer into someone else's lane and try to diagnose what's going on with someone close to you. Highlights from Episode #81: Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode that's dedicated to women, and explains what she'll cover. [00:39] When it comes to setting boundaries, how can it not matter that your spouse has a diagnosed issue or condition? [03:57] Vicki shares a couple of personal examples that illustrate her point about not spending your time figuring out a diagnosis. [07:55] When you research various conditions too much, it's easy to start believing that you have them, Vicki points out. [10:52] We hear another reason why Vicki doesn't recommend tailoring your boundary work to the diagnosis of a loved one. [13:32] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Mother Enmeshed Men (Ken Adams) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 48: Relationship Boundaries with Mother Enmeshed Men (MEM) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 9: Introduction to the 5-Step Boundary Solution Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 10: Knowing and Owning Your Reality (Step 1 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 11: Getting Your Needs Met (Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 12: Your Power Center (Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 14: Taking Action! (Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 15: When Boundaries are Successful . . . or Not (Step 5 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 78: If I'm Triggered, Are You Responsible?

Have you ever considered how your boundaries may impact how successful you are professionally? I've always been interested in the intersection of boundaries and business, but I've been digging even deeper into the topic recently as I've added a few people to my team. Inspired by what I've observed during this process, I'm excited to share today six ways your boundaries make you more successful! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #80: From time to time, reflect on what success means to you. Try to separate your own views and beliefs from what you hear from the media or the culture, and create your own definition of success. Most of us are truly passionate about and highly skilled in just one to three areas. If you're not clear about what you love to do or your strengths, you probably won't experience much success. When you focus on your superpowers, though, you can almost always guarantee your success. Boundaries can help you figure out how you want to spend your time, meet deadlines, overdeliver, become more hireable, create confidence in others, and be selective about how you spend your time. All of these can help you become more successful. Highlights from Episode #80: Welcome to episode 80! Vicki asks listeners an important and thought-provoking question. [00:39] Vicki points out that we need to define "success" before talking about success and boundaries. [02:24] You never know how much influence you might have on the people around you, or even the world. Vicki shares a personal example of this. [08:48] Vicki talks about the first of the six ways that boundaries can supercharge your success. [12:42] We learn the second and third ways that boundaries can make you more successful. [17:36] The fourth way that boundaries impact your success involves having clear guidelines for yourself about how you communicate with others. [20:47] When you're clear about your talents and how you want to spend your time, you'll become more selective which is a good thing! [23:08] Vicki shares the sixth and final way that boundaries can help you reach success. [25:05] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Chicken Soup for the Soul 20th Anniversary Edition: All Your Favorite Original Stories Plus 20 Bonus Stories for the Next 20 Years by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, and Amy Newmark

There's a simple reason that this episode on what's in our circle of control is a quick tips episode: our circle of control is pretty tiny! But confusion about what's inside and outside of that circle is at the heart of many questions I get from listeners so the topic is worth reviewing. Tune in to learn how to stay in your own lane, and what to ask yourself when you're tempted to control. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #79: Our circle of control includes what we have the power to make happen on our own. This means what we can say, where we can go, and what we can do. Most of us wish that our circle of control were much larger. You might find yourself feeling frustrated that your circle of control is much smaller than you'd like it to be. Some examples of things that are outside of your circle of control include what your partner consumes or wears, how your partner drives, what other people think or how they feel, how much time a sibling spends with your parents, or how your spouse manages an addiction. When you leave your circle of control, you move into controlling others. This means two things will likely happen: you'll be frustrated, and you'll create friction and disconnection with the other person. Highlights from Episode #79: Vicki welcomes listeners to a quick tips episode about what's in your circle of control. [00:39] We hear some examples of things that lie outside of our circle of control. [02:35] Next, we learn what is within our circle of control, which is what we're able to do or accomplish on our own. [05:46] What happens if you go outside of your circle of control? [07:21] Vicki talks about what to do when you're tempted to try to control someone else, and discusses four questions to ask yourself (from the work of Laura Doyle) when you want to leave your circle of control. [09:18] Trying to get your spouse to change a long-standing pattern or habit that is not truly a serious issue, usually causes disconnection or a loss of intimacy. [14:08] Vicki recaps the four questions that she has been talking about in depth. She also talks about what we can do when something is outside of our control. [16:17] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Laura Doyle

When you get triggered, is the person who you got triggered by responsible? And what does this have to do with boundaries? Today's episode will dig into these important questions. If you're a long-time listener, you may have guessed that triggers are related to the listening boundary, which is the most difficult of the four primary boundaries. Tune in to learn about triggers, boundaries, and how to respond when you feel triggered. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #78: Triggers are individual and unique to each person, and the possible ways to be triggered are almost endless. Thoughts create emotions, but emotions can also create thoughts. Each of us has emotions just underneath the surface waiting for something in the external world that will activate or stimulate them. You have a right to your opinion, to express yourself, and to ask someone to do something differently if you're triggered. However, the other person isn't responsible for your trigger, and they aren't obligated to change so you won't be triggered. When you get triggered and want to critique the other person, ask yourself what is your intention. Often, it's to be right, to shame the other person, and/or to prove them uninformed or ignorant. Highlights from Episode #78: Welcome to Episode 78, where we'll cover the question of whether someone else is responsible if you get triggered. Vicki takes a moment to clarify what she means by "triggers." [00:39] Vicki addresses how triggers are related to boundaries, specifically the listening boundary. She then explains why she has been reluctant to talk about this question of triggers, and why she's covering it now. [07:39] We hear about a conversation that Vicki had with her publisher related to using the word "bitchy," and a seemingly hypocritical decision that could have been a trigger, but wasn't. [10:29] When we get triggered (like by one of the words Vicki has been talking about), who is responsible? Vicki then talks about the idea in that currently in the US there is a lot of external pressure to hold certain attitudes or to be educated in specific ways in order to be accepted or considered "woke." [19:06] You have a right to your opinion and to ask people to do things differently. [22:40] Triggers aren't universal; they're unique to each person and even situation. Vicki offers examples to clarify. [24:09] Vicki offers specific advice for what to do when you feel triggered and want to critique the other person. [28:36] Don't forget that Vicki's first live Clarity Circle of 2020 is happening this Friday, January 17, 2020! [34:42] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram Clarity Circle Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins M.D. Ph.D Pia Mellody Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part I Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 40: The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 32: Boundaries Quick Tips #1: So, You're Offended? Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 19: When They Go Low… We Go Lower

There's nothing wrong with wanting more, as long as what you want more of brings you more happiness, connection, abundance, satisfaction, and love. (Not more drama, pain, or junk food!) But most of us have a habit of saying and doing things that actually accomplish the exact opposite. Today, you'll learn the secrets to turning that around and responding to situations in a way that gets you more of what you want. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #77: Wanting more of what you want isn't selfish. There's nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy life more and have better relationships! We tend to focus on what we don't want, generally out of fear and a desire to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, this doesn't work, and ends up making us miserable. You might get less of what you want in these ways: criticizing people when they don't get it right, not expressing enough gratitude or appreciation, and even looking for things to go wrong or badly. To get more of what you want, turn around the things causing you to get less of what you want. Focus on (and express appreciation for) what you liked, and say nothing about what you didn't like. Highlights from Episode #77: Vicki welcomes listeners to the first episode of 2020! She starts things off with a discussion of wanting more, and why it's important for something to be good all the way through. [00:39] We tend to focus on what we don't want instead of what we do want, Vicki explains. She then makes an announcement about her first Clarity Circle of 2020, which is coming up soon! Sign up at this link for the access details. [04:02] How can you get more of what you want in 2020? Vicki begins her answer by illuminating several of the ways that we get less of what we want. [06:15] Vicki explores how looking for things to go wrong gets us less of what we want. [09:48] You may get less of what you want if you're gratitude- or appreciation-deficient. [14:15] Let's talk about how to turn things around and get more of what you want! [15:21] Vicki returns to the topic of appreciation and gratitude, and offers clear tips for getting more of what you want. [20:28] Today's last tip is to think about what exactly it is that you want more of, and imagine that it's already yours. [24:59] Vicki recaps the points she has covered today, and invites listeners to follow her on her new Instagram account! [27:30] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Clarity Circle Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram

You're probably familiar with the idea that it's better to give than to receive, but is it true? With the holidays coming up soon, it's time to explore the important topic of balancing giving and receiving. Many of us are hungry to receive attention, compliments, love, and affection, but still struggle with accepting them. Tune into this episode to learn all about achieving balance and receiving graciously! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #76: Giving relates to boundary work because it's about offering your time, energy, and/or resources. Making decisions about what you will or won't give is setting limits and creating parameters. Receiving and accepting an invitation or opportunity is also about boundaries and limits; it's saying "yes," but also means saying "no" to many other things. Receiving graciously might be a struggle, but it's a skill and habit that contributes to intimacy and connection in all your relationships! If you know that you tend to be an over-giver, strengthen your receiving muscle by simply saying "thank you" when receiving a compliment or gift, without taking on the burden and obligation of giving back. Highlights from Episode #76: Welcome to episode 76! Vicki takes a moment to talk about extreme accountability and her upcoming break. [00:39] Today's episode, Vicki explains, focuses on balancing giving and receiving. She then digs into the concept of giving. [04:13] We hear about receiving, which is all about saying "yes" but also creates limits. [09:45] Vicki covers some of the signs that you might be giving too much. [12:51] Vicki digs into the concept that it's better to give than to receive, which actually comes from the Bible, and explores whether it's true. [15:02] Many people have a difficult time with receiving, Vicki explains. She then discusses the art and value of receiving graciously. [21:45] We hear about how receiving graciously relates to the women's movement. [26:35] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 55: Extreme Accountability Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 45: 5 Signs You May Be Over-Giving Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 68: Giving, Receiving and Boundaries Pia Mellody Is It Really Better to Give Than to Receive? By Prof. Stephen R. Palmquist Laura Doyle Receiving Graciously: The #4 Skill for Building Intimacy by Vicki Tidwell Palmer

***Victoria has a NEW boundaries podcast! Click this link for Boundaries Queen.*** Let's talk about mothers-in-law! Even though boundaries and rules work the same way across all adult relationships, there's a tendency to forget this with our parents and our in-laws (especially mothers-in-law). That's why this episode is dedicated to the often-complicated relationship with mothers-in-law. If you've ever felt slighted by your mother-in-law or wanted more connection than she seems willing to give, this is the episode for you! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #75: Keep in mind that if you're a woman with children (or hope to have them someday), there's a good chance that you yourself will someday be a mother-in-law. Imagine your problematic mother-in-law were an acquaintance. Would you spend energy trying to develop a friendship with her? If not, why not apply that same principle to your mother-in-law? It's okay to let go of the wish for, or expectation of, a friendly relationship. If just one person is holding up a relationship, it's not really a true relationship between two people. Ultimately, it's healthier for the son- or daughter-in-law (and better for their relationship) to practice self-care, create boundaries, and find their "I can't." Sometimes when we pull back our energy, the other person (the mother-in-law in this case) may feel invited to become more involved. Highlights from Episode #75: Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode about boundaries and mothers-in-law. [00:39] We hear a bit about Vicki's relationship with her late mother-in-law, as well as the question that prompted today's episode. [02:41] Vicki shares her reaction and responses to the listener's question, as well as some advice. [08:14] Over the years, Vicki has heard some truly awful mother-in-law stories. She briefly digs into these, then explains why setting boundaries is better for both the son- or daughter-in-law and their spouse. [12:43] Vicki explains why it's important for the spouse whose mother is involved to be the one to resolve the issue when there's ongoing conflict. [17:54] We hear a recap of the points that Vicki has covered in this episode. [21:38] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Vicki's Survive & Thrive Membership Community Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 72: Are There Different "Boundaries Rules" for Loved Ones?

Here in the US, we're officially in the holiday season! But do you feel like the abundance of opportunities to spend time with people are actually stressful obligations? You may find yourself in a reactive (rather than responsive) mode, or feeling triggered or baited. I'd like to give you eight phrases that you can pull out to help you get through this potentially challenging season. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #74: During the holiday season, it's easy to end up reacting rather than responding. These eight phrases will help you survive the holidays while maintaining your peace and your connection with others. The first of the eight phrases (and my favorite!) is simply, "I hear you." It may feel stiff at first, but it will feel natural as you practice. This works particularly when others talk about their political views. A powerful strategy when someone says something directly hurtful to you is simply to say "ouch." Don't expand on it or make accusations; just say "ouch" and leave it at that. Here are the other options: smile and nod your head, or say one of the following: "You could be right," "that's interesting," "I'll have to think about that," "I'm so curious about what brought you to that conclusion," or "tell me more about that." Tune into to learn when and how to use each! Highlights from Episode #74: Welcome to the episode! Vicki mentions some of the struggles of the holiday season, and explains that she'll provide eight phrases to help you through. [00:39] Vicki goes into more depth about feeling baited, and how to handle it. [02:24] We hear the first of the eight phrases for getting through the holidays, which is Vicki's go-to option. [04:53] The next option is to just smile and nod your head. The third is the multipurpose statement "you could be right." Next up are "that's interesting" and "I'll have to think about that." [07:47] Vicki shares the sixth and seventh phrases that you can use throughout the holidays. [11:01] Last but not least is the word "ouch." Vicki gives an example of how to use this tool. [13:38] Vicki recaps the eight phrases that she has covered in this episode, and shares another phrase that might work depending on the region. [17:31] We hear about the role of self-care in a peaceful holiday season, and learn an important question to ask yourself when you're tempted to react instead of respond. [19:46] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

As you'll hear in my voice, I've been under the weather lately. This quick tips episode is partially inspired by my recent experiences while sick, when I've had plenty of opportunities to say "I can't." As you'll learn today, expressing your "I can't" is the best choice not only for you, but also everyone who you want to have a close, intimate relationship with. If you're confused or intrigued by the idea, or struggle with saying "no" or "I can't," don't miss this episode! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #73: Saying "I can't" is a form of saying "no," but it's often the preferable version because the person on the receiving end may be able to take it in more easily than a "no". When you're not feeling well or are injured, you will almost always find your "I can't" because you literally can't do what you committed to (or what someone wants or expects you to do). The rest of the time, it's not as easy to identify the "I can't" or "no," and it's even harder to express it. There are three situations in which it's imperative to find your "I can't": When saying "yes" will cause you to feel distressed or uncomfortable. To avoid resentment. When saying yes would eventually cause disconnection between you and the person who made a request of you. Highlights from Episode #73: Vicki has been suffering from the flu, so this is a quick tips episode. Tune in to learn about finding your "I can't." [00:39] When you're sick, it's easier to find your "I can't," Vicki explains. She then digs into the option of using "I can't" instead of "no." [01:35] We learn about the first of the three primary reasons why it's important to find your "I can't." [03:03] Vicki digs into the second reason, explaining the value of saying "I can't" rather than choosing something that causes you resentment. [06:58] The third reason involves staying connected with the person who made the request. [08:47] Vicki recaps the main points that she has covered in this episode. [10:35] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Pia Mellody

Have you ever thought that boundary work is different with loved ones? If so, this episode is for you! Even in my own family, some people expected family members to do certain things that they would never expect from anyone else, just because we were family. Today's episode will dig into whether there are different rules for boundaries with family or loved ones than with everyone else. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #72: Some people behave as if being family exempts a person from being kind, thoughtful, or respectful. But people don't get a pass just because they happen to be close to you. You absolutely have a right to set limits and boundaries with family members and loved ones, and to say "no" to them. All of the "boundaries rules" throughout every episode of this podcast applies to family members too. If you grew up in an enmeshed family system, you will likely find it challenging to set boundaries. You may have learned that you don't have a right to set limits with your family. Those who love you will accept your limits, even when they may have wanted something different from you. Highlights from Episode #72: Welcome to the podcast! Today's episode will explore whether boundary work is different with loved ones or family members. [00:39] Vicki shares the question from a listener that prompted her to record this episode. [02:31] We hear a quick review of some of the skills that Vicki has talked about in two prior episodes: 46: Boundaries Quick Tips: Are You Open to Feedback? and 65: Giving Unsolicited Advice, Take 2. [04:54] Do we have a right to set limits with family members? [10:31] Most people feel terrified to set limits with family members and loved ones. Don't worry; that's normal! Vicki offers a way to feel more courageous around this topic. [15:43] Vicki recaps the points that she has covered in today's episode. [17:58] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 46: Boundaries Quick Tips: Are You Open to Feedback? Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 65: Giving Unsolicited Advice, Take 2

While this episode is about men, it's actually intended for women, and addresses a common dynamic between the genders. I'll dig into how a common desire among women can come across to men as pressure or control, and cause them to go into their "cave." Tune in to learn why it's so important to let your man go to his cave when he needs to! And if you're a LGTBQ+ listener, please reach out to let me know if this dynamic plays out in your relationships! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #71: The man cave is a real thing. I'm not talking about a physical room in the house, but rather a mental or behavioral cave. For example, a man may retreat to an electronic device, a sports game, or even a newspaper. Women tend to prefer to process their feelings by talking. Men, on the other hand, often to want to think about (or distract themselves from) their problem before re-engaging. The more a man feels pulled or manipulated out of his man cave, the more he's likely to resist. Expressing a pure desire (without a "you" in it) rather than making a request can be a powerful tool for avoiding perceptions of control. For example, say, "I would love to go out to dinner tonight," not "I would love for you to take me out for dinner." Highlights from Episode #71: Vicki welcomes listeners and explains that today's episode is about men, but for women. [00:39] We hear the question from a listener that inspired this episode. [02:58] The man cave is a real thing, Vicki explains, and goes into more depth about why it's important for women to know about it. [06:28] Vicki responds to the part of the listener's question about her spouse taking any request as a criticism, and shares a personal anecdote. [11:43] When someone makes a request, we have three options: yes, no, or negotiate an alternative solution. Vicki elaborates on this as well as how requests function. [18:16] Vicki elaborates on two possibilities about the listener's question, and emphasizes the value of being able to sincerely say, "I hear you." [22:02] Another strategy is to express a desire without specifically making a request. [23:55] Vicki points out that when you first learn about boundaries, it can be tempting to make everything into a request. [29:03] We return once more to the listener's question, and hear a summary of Vicki's answer. [30:43] Vicki recaps the major points that she has covered in today's episode. [33:23] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex by John Gray Laura Doyle Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 24: The Politician (No, Not That One) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part I Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 40: The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 42: When Your Request Is Ignored

Knowing the two types of self-care and practicing both is good for you and everyone around you! Tune in and learn the two types of self-care, why you may be challenged around meeting your self-care needs and how to hold yourself accountable for practicing good self-care. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #70: There are two types of self-care: self-care needs and self-care wants. We learn about self-care first in our family of origin. If some of our needs were neglected as children, we may struggle to practice self-care as an adult and we may pass neglect on to our children. Self-care wants are just as — if not more — important than self-care needs. Use self-care wants as a reward for attending to self-care needs. Commit to at least one self-care want every day, and work your way up to three, or more! Highlights from Episode #70: Welcome to the show! [00:40] A listener inspired this episode with questions about self-care. [00:54] Vicki brings up the issue of self-care and how self-care related to boundaries that we set for ourselves. [02:15] Without setting limits on ourselves, we aren't able to function. [03:09] Setting personal healthy limits creates space for health and well-being. [05:34] Vicki discusses the two categories of self-care, and what the term means. [06:09] We learn about the 11 self-care needs, which are listed below. [06:18] Our parents teach us about self-care through their own behavior and how they parented us. [09:40] We need to be mindful of all 11 self-care needs to teach our children. [11:05] Does self-care feel more like a chore than a joy? [13:22] Vicki speaks about self-care wants, which are activities that we love to do and that we feel good about after we've done them. [14:28] Self-care wants are highly individualized, and self-care looks different for men and women. [17:01] Why self-care wants are just as crucial as needs. [19:56] When our self-care wants are taken care of, we have a buffer that helps us avoid drama and conflict. [21:34] Vicki tells us how to get self-care done. [23:02] Find someone to be your accountability partner to help with your progress. [24:59] To make self-care needs easier to take care of, schedule your appointments in advance and reward yourself when you complete them. [26:24] Commit to a bare minimum of one self-care want each day, and work your way up to at least three. [30:05] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Episode #34 | Women, Choose Self-Care Over Self-Sacrifice Episode #50 | Extreme Self-Care and Boundaries Episode #55 | Extreme Accountability Pia Mellody Bullet Journal: The Analog Method for the Digital Age Self-Care Needs*: Food Clothing Shelter Physical Nurturing Emotional Nurturing Spiritual Practice Education Money Medical Attention Dental Sexual *From the work of Pia Mellody @ www.piamelody.com

Have you gotten into a habit of answering questions that haven't even been asked? It's easy to do, especially when you can tell that the other person is feeling insecure, fearful, or potentially angry with you. Tune in and learn how to recognize statements that seem like questions and why you should avoid answering. Plus, tips on how to do that while preserving your energy, minimizing drama, and maintaining connection. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #69: How to recognize a temptation to answer a question that hasn't been asked. Why you should avoid answering questions that haven't been asked. How to avoid answering un-asked questions Why answering un-asked questions causes problems or even drama. How to invite another person to be more direct in getting their needs and wants met. The skill of not answering un-asked questions involves both the listening and talking boundaries. Highlights from Episode #69: Vicki introduces the topic for this week's episode. [00:51] Examples of statements that often get perceived as questions or requests. [01:34] Vicki discusses these examples and spells out the unspoken questions. [02:49] When you hear an indirect question you often want to jump to the rescue. [05:04] Vicki says that if we dive in and rescue it can cause problems or misunderstandings. [05:41] Vicki discusses what we do about indirect statements and offers some likely responses. [07:22] She talks about how to respond when faced with an indirect question. [08:33] Inviting the other person to be more direct keeps you from jumping to the rescue. [12:02] The skill of not answering an un-asked question involves both the listening and talking boundaries. [12:21] Vicki talks about the challenges of staying vulnerable in relationships and asking for what we need and want. [13:44] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 58: Codependency & Boundaries Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part 1 Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part 2 Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 40: The Listening Boundary Part 3

Have you ever felt pressured to give to another person — your time, money, or something material? Giving is a boundary issue, and you hold the power to choose to give or to not give. Choosing wisely keeps you resentment free. Tune in and learn how it works! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #68: Giving and receiving come both come from a place of abundance. Skillful gifting comes from a foundation of an abundance of spirit and resources, and good receivers graciously express their appreciation and don't feel obligated to return the gift. Giving to another person is an example of boundary work because you get to decide to give (yes) or not to give (no). Complications arise in close relationships or when there is a lot of emotion or pressure attached to giving. Many people attempt to get others to give to them through passive means, rather than directly or cleanly. When someone wants something from you, you have complete control to say yes or no. Use Brené Brown's dictum: "choose discomfort over resentment" as a tool to support you in doing what is right for you. Say no instead of feeling resentment later. Ideally, giving should be done freely, and with joy and a sense of generosity. Highlights from Episode #68: Vicki introduces the topic for this episode: giving and receiving. [00:51] What comes to mind for you when you think about giving or receiving? [02:08] There can be a lot of drama around giving and receiving. [03:10] Have you ever expected to receive a gift, but when the time came, you didn't get one? How did you feel? [04:02] A male listener inspired this episode because he was feeling pressured to give to someone close to him. [04:34] Vicki speaks about how to manage a situation when you feel pressured to give. [05:15] Ideally, giving comes from a place of abundance, where we feel that we have more than enough and can freely give to others. [05:49] Vicki states that when the experience of giving and receiving is healthy, there is a beautiful flow of energy that each person feels. [07:34] Giving is a simple boundary issue but becomes complicated when emotions are involved. [08:06] Vicki tells a story from her history about an unsuccessful attempt to get someone to give to her in an indirect and passive way. [12:01] When someone is pressuring us to do something or give something, they usually do it indirectly. [14:01] Vicki discusses how we have complete control over whether we say yes or no when someone asks something of us. [15:19] It's important to know that the person you want a long term relationship with can accept limits. [16:28] If someone continuously pressures you to do something, it becomes manipulative. [17:32] Vicki believes that men genuinely want to give to women they care about, but they don't want to be pressured or controlled to do so. [18:41] Vicki says that if you have someone in your life that regularly urges you to give to them, you will have to get very clear with your limits so that you can avoid becoming resentful. [20:04] Ideally, you will feel entirely free, happy, and generous when you give. [21:01] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5 Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Brené Brown

Has anyone ever told you that you were being unreasonable or that you made an unreasonable request? It's a common argument, with a simple resolution. In today's episode Vicki talks about why unreasonable is in the eye of the beholder, and how you can avoid arguing about whether or not something is unreasonable. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #67: What is reasonable is a perception or an opinion. Arguments about what is reasonable or unreasonable tend to arise when someone makes a request or they have an expectation of another person. Responding to a request by saying "that's unreasonable" is a diversion, and doesn't address the request made. Rather than arguing about whether or not a request is reasonable or unreasonable, focus on potential solutions in order to maintain intimate connection. Highlights from Episode #67: Welcome back to the show! [00:41] How to get specific questions about infidelity, addiction, or betrayal answered by Vicki. [03:04] This episode was inspired by several questions from a listener revolving around "what is unreasonable?" [04:18] Unreasonable is a perception; and Vicki gives an example. [06:31] When does the question or reasonable or unreasonable tend to become an issue in communication? [09:25] Two concepts that are essential when you disagree with someone about whether or not something is reasonable. [14:44] When receiving a request from another person, there are three options for responding. [15:08] Has anyone ever told you that your request was unreasonable? Did it cause an argument? [16:16] Tips for learning how to focus on solution or resolution while maintaining intimacy. [17:37] Ask yourself, "is this going to build and maintain intimacy or harm it?" [18:32] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Survive & Thrive Online Community for betrayed partners Reclaiming Wholeness: A 4-Day Family of Origin Intensive for Women The 5 Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode #61 | 4 Reasons Why Arguing Perceptions is a Losing Battle

Its that time again the first episode of the month, the one that is dedicated to women and boundaries. Are you friends with someone who is draining you? Do they make you tired because they won't stop talking? Vicki is going to give us some simple strategies to distance yourself to stop the madness. Vicki shares with us the consequences of allowing over-sharers too much of our time, the things you can miss out on and the relief you will feel once you disengage from them. She says when we take care of ourselves and allow pure joy into our lives, we will attract people who want the same thing, thus eliminating the people who exhaust us. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #66: Not everyone feels the same way about draining people. It is a matter of perception. Delay your response to a text or, if you don't want to maintain a relationship with them, become less responsive over time. Say 'I hear you' when someone starts to overshare. Exhaustion, time loss and missing out on relationships are the consequences of allowing someone to drain you or overshare with you. Do things that bring pure joy to you! Don't waste time with things or people who don't. Highlights from Episode #66: Welcome back to the show! Today's episode is dedicated to women and boundaries. [00:41] Vicki reads what a listener wrote in about wanting to set limits on her friends to keep the relationship equal instead of one-sided. [01:02] She discusses people that over-share and are draining and how we as women attract them. [02:47] What does it mean to be draining or an over-sharer? It is open to perception. [05:45] Vicki speaks about signs that someone might be exhausting to you. [08:12] We can feel shame if someone shares too much personal information with us. [09:02] You have the right to set limits on the time the draining person gets. [09:47] Decrease the amount of contact you have with a draining person if you don't want to maintain a relationship with them. [11:24] She gives us some simple strategies to limit your available time to listen to someone who is draining or want to over-share. [13:36] Say 'I hear you' to people who want to over-share. [15:55] Have you ever gone out with someone who talked non-stop? Were you drained? [17:41] Once you disengage from someone the payoff the brief discomfort you feel in the moment can turn into relief. [19:21] Have you ever felt overwhelmed by an over-sharer? [21:44] Vicki gives us the consequences of allowing someone to drain you or overshare with you. [24:49] Do things that give you pure joy. If you take care of yourself, you're tolerances diminish for people who drain you. [27:11] If you want to learn the 5 steps for identifying, creating, and maintaining healthy personal and relationship boundaries, see the link below. [29:38] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Episode 6 - What to Expect When You Set Boundaries Episode 24 - The Politician Episode 63 - How to Fix a One-Sided Relationship 5 Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

If you're feeling a bit unclear about whether or not you're giving unsolicited feedback or advice, today's episode is going to give you the clarity you need. Vicki talks about one sure-fire way to know you're not giving unsolicited advice, why you should avoid offering feedback when it's not requested, and how we can fall into the trap of giving feedback when what we really want to do is control another person. Tune in! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #65: Giving unsolicited advice even when you think you're being helpful can cause disconnection with friends and loved ones, and can even be offensive. Keep your side of the street clean in conversations by paying attention to how you're feeling, and whether or not you're invested in the outcome of the conversation or changing the other person's opinion. For the most part, it's best not to offer teenager or young adults advice unless you ask them first whether or not they want to receive it. The best way to maintain healthy connections with important people in your life by hearing and supporting them. Unsolicited advice tends to damage emotional safety in relationships. Highlights from Episode #65: Welcome back to the show! [00:44] Today is Part 2 of Episode #46 on giving unsolicited advice or feedback. [01:19] Vicki starts by defining advice. [02:33] We often give advice to people we love without realizing we're doing it. [03:19] Unsolicited advice is never relational. [03:56] Giving advice without being asked for it can be offensive. [04:21] How to know when you're in the unwanted advice "danger zone." [07:24] If you think you have valuable information for another person you can let them know you would be happy to share with them if they would like to hear it. [09:27] To keep your side of the street clean, notice how invested you're feeling about changing the other person's mind or getting them to take a particular action. [11:42] Is asking clarifying questions a form of unsolicited feedback? [13:28] Is it okay to give advice or feedback to someone if you're afraid something dangerous might happen if you don't? [16:26] Adults have a right to make decisions that about how they take care of themselves and their children. We don't have to agree with their decisions, but they have a right to make them. [19:05] Is it okay to give unwanted advice or feedback to your teenagers or young adult children? [24:05] You can maintain healthy connections with the important people in your life by hearing and supporting them without care-taking or give unsolicited advice or feedback. [27:51] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode 46: Boundaries Quick Tips #4 | Are You Open to Feedback?

Are you feeling pressured to have sex with your partner or spouse? While this is a serious topic that deserves time, the answer is clear and unambiguous. Vicki provides answers for both the one being pressured, and the person pressuring their partner for sex. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #64: No person has a right to another person's body! Even if sex is a need rather than a want, it doesn't mean another person must fulfill it for us. Adults are responsible for taking care of their needs. If your partner repeatedly says no to sex, explore the reasons. You have a right to say no to sex even, in a marital relationship. Highlights from Episode #63: Welcome back to the show! [00:40] Today's topic: Are you obligated to take care of your spouse's or partner's sexual needs? [00:50] No person has a right to another person's body… Ever! [01:56] Why sex is a want and not a need. [02:16] Even if sex is a need, it doesn't imply that another person must fulfill it. [03:01] What are true needs and who fulfills them? [03:59] Partners who demand sex often also participate in solo sex. [05:02] Physical and sexual boundaries are non-negotiable. [06:02] What to do if your partner consistently says no to sex. [06:56] Adults are responsible for getting their needs met. [09:08] If you're being pressured into sex, you have a right to say no. [09:59] No one else is responsible for making you happy but you. [10:37] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Beyond Bitchy Podcast Espisode #17: Yes, No & Maybe: Sexual Boundaries for Women with Sheri Winston

Have you ever felt like you were in a one-sided relationship? This episode was inspired by a listener asking for help with that very issue. Vicki explain how to set boundaries if you feel you're being taken advantage of, and why if you don't, you may end up feeling angry and resentful. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #63: Healthy relationships feel mutual, even though there may be temporary imbalances in giving and receiving. One-sided relationship usually cause anger, which leads to resentment. Only you have the power to change a relationship. Check out your perceptions if you think a relationship is one-sided? Does the data back it up? If you're the person doing all the work in a relationship, the only action you need to take is to do less! No one is obligated to explain or justify decisions we make to others. Highlights from Episode #63: Welcome back to the show! [00:40] Vicki is discussing one-sided relationships, meaning that one person is giving more than the other. [01:07] Have you ever felt this way in your personal relationships? At work? [01:45] Unbalanced relationships can eventually feel unsatisfying. [02:36] Vicki reads the listener's question that inspired this episode. [02:50] How do we express our thoughts and feelings and set boundaries when a relationship is one-sided? [04:13] Victim anger is Vicki's favorite definition of resentment. [05:25] Does the data back up your perception? [06:50] One thing you can do is pull back a bit or stop doing what you've been doing. [08:52] If fear is keeping you from taking action, Vicki recommends two things you can do — baby steps and accountability. [12:45] Should you tell the other person what you think or how you feel about an imbalance in a relationship? [14:20] If you are the one in the relationship doing everything, the only action you need to take is to do less. [16:32] Express what you want and see what happens. The response may surprise you. [18:10] You don't need to explain yourself to anyone if you say no. If the other person has a problem with it, it is on their side of street to discuss with you. [20:11] Sometimes maintaining connections while setting healthy boundaries mean we use fewer words. [22:30] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Pia Mellody Beyond Bitchy Podcast Episode #55: Extreme Accountability

This first episode of the month is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. We'll talk about over-giving and how it can damage intimacy in relationships between women and men. Vicki gives us 5 ways ways over-giving can damage intimacy. Tune in! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #62: Men and women are totally different animals, so to speak, so it's unhelpful to assume they see the world the same way. Almost 70% of women initiate divorce in heterosexual relationships. Women have a habit of over-giving, and that can cause resentments. Over-giving can cause a woman to feel like her partner's mother, which is definitely intimacy-destroying, especially in the bedroom. If you feel resentment about helping or giving, then don't do it. Listen for a direct, explicit question asking for help from your partner, rather than jumping in to assist. Highlights from Episode #62: Welcome back to the show! Today's episode is dedicated to women and boundaries — specifically how over-giving sabotages intimacy in relationships with men. [01:14] Vicki clarifies she's speaking primarily about heterosexual relationships but gay and lesbian relationships may be impacted in similar ways, depending on the masculine/feminine polarity in their relationship. [01:30] In the simplest terms, boundaries are about staying on your side of the street. [01:52] Have you ever gone further than you intended to go when helping someone? [02:29] In relationships women tend to want to be heard [04:31] There is a clear gender difference in terms of who initiates couples therapy and even divorce. [06:35] A 2009 - 2015 study showed that almost 70% of women in heterosexual relationships initiated divorce. [07:15] When women give advice to a man, it can damage intimacy. [09:04] A man will tend to look for ways to be a hero to the woman he loves. [09:46] Women have a habit of over-giving, and when they do they wind up with resentments. [14:24] If a man feels like he can never please you or get it right, he may withdraw or put up walls. [16:23] When your husband perceives you as a mother, that can definitely cause intimacy issues. [18:44] Vicki says instead of over-giving you can pay attention to your self care, and don't give or help unless you can do so without a cost to you. [20:43] Notice your thoughts when you are tempted to give or help — if you feel resentful you probably should decline giving help. [21:59] Look for a direct or explicit question to determine if your male partner truly wants your help. [25:24] Go back and listen to episodes 34 and 45 about over giving if you would like more information on this topic. [26:59] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray Cajun Navy Episode 34 - Women, Choose Self-Care Over Self-Sacrifice Episode 45 - 5 Signs You May Be Over Giving

In this episode Vicki talks about why arguing perceptions is almost always a losing battle. Perceptions are just opinions, and everyone has one. When we argue perceptions we forget that everyone has a right to theirs, and that two people can have exactly the same experience and perceive it completely differently. And the worst part is we often lose intimacy with others for the sake of being right, winning an argument, or simply proving out point. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #61: Your opinions are your perceptions, so arguing about them is futile. When arguing your perceptions, ask what do you hope to gain? Life experiences, culture, and many other factors give us different perceptions than someone else might have about the same topic, event, or circumstance. Having a conversation or discussion with another person on subjects you don't agree on can help you learn about each other. If your conversations or debates stop being fun, you may need to agree to disagree. Highlights from Episode #61: Welcome back to the show! Today's episode about why arguing perceptions is a losing battle. [04:46] There are 4 reasons why arguing perceptions is almost always a losing battle [05:16] In relationships we bump up against other people's opinions and perceptions, and this is where boundaries come into play. [09:26] How arguing perceptions is related to problems with the listening boundary. [10:15] The first reason why arguing perception is a losing battle is what's the point? What are you hoping to gain? [12:55] The second reason arguing perceptions is a losing battle is that both of your perceptions may be correct. [15:02] The third reason is you risk losing intimacy with the other person. [19:58] The fourth reason arguing perceptions is a losing battle is because people tend to become even more attached to their opinions when they have to defend them. [23:42] What to do when you think someone is lying but they say they're not. [25:34] When parenting children, if you have a difference of perception than your spouse about parenting, ideally you need to come an agreement that both of you can live with. [28:46] If discussions stop being fun it might be time to disagree, rather than become disagreeable. [30:40] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Beyond Bitchy Podcast |Episode 37- The Listening Boundary Part I Strategic Coach Rob Bell The Heretic Movie Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing, by Caroline Myss Sacred Contracts: Awakening Your Divine Potential, by Caroline Myss

A listener wanted to know if her child has a right to decide who, when, and how she plays with her friends. Vicki answers this question, and offers some great tips on how to handle parents — or even family members — who criticize your child when she wants to set a boundary. If you're a parent or will become one in the future you, this is information about children and boundaries that you need to know. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #60: Children have a right to say no when they are asked to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable. When you tell your child they don't have a right to say no, you are teaching them to be a people-pleaser. As a parent, you are a role model to your children about their rights to set boundaries. Let your child know that you are proud of them for setting their boundaries. Highlights from Episode #60: Welcome back to the show! Today's episode is from a listener's question about do children have a right to set boundaries? [00:44] Vicki discusses why this is an important question for parents and anyone who will become a parent in the future. [01:12] The listener's question is about her daughter's choices about who she wants to play with and other parents' responses to her. [01:32] Vicki's first thought about the parents criticizing the listener's daughter is that it is completely appropriate to distance yourself from these parents. [03:50] Children have a right to play with who they want to play with, and letting them make this choice teaches them boundaries and self care. [04:18] Reasons you don't want to teach your child to be a people pleaser. [05:05] If you teach your child that they don't have a right to say no, you lay the groundwork for potentially dangerous situations. [05:30] The best way to teach your children about boundaries is by your your own example. [07:57] Enforce your child's choices by letting her know she has the right to choose who she plays with. [09:55] Vicki's suggestions what to say if your child is being criticized. [09:53] Let your child know that you are proud of her for letting others know what she wanted or needed. [12:30] If someone is being overtly abusive to your child, you have a right and responsibility to stop them. [13:14] By letting your child exercise her boundaries you are helping her develop her ability to keep herself safe. [13:56] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Beyond Bitchy Podcast |Episode 58: Codependency and Boundaries

This episode was inspired by another listener's great question on how to avoid getting stuck when you (may) need to make a request. Vicki breaks it down and gives us tips on how to be more specific in our requests and what you say when you want something to stop, or you want a change of behavior from another person. Listen in to hear Vicki's do's and don'ts for making requests, tools and strategies for making requests easier, and insight on when the time is right for the best outcome. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #59: Be specific when making a request. A statement of what you want can be more powerful than a direct request. Be mindful of when you make requests. Remember the other person has the right to say no. Demands and boundaries are not the same thing. Intimacy is always a higher level choice than being right. Highlights from Episode #59: Welcome back to the show! Today's episode is about what to do when you get stuck around making a request. [00:45] Vicki is giving examples of what behavior that you might want another person to stop doing. [02:46] The 5 types of boundaries. [04:15] Non negotiable personal boundaries. [05:35] Best practices for making a request and the three possible responses. [07:30] Can you tell someone what to do if you need them to do something else? [09:40] Vicki reads from her book Moving Beyond Betrayal. [11:59] Best practices steps of making a high level request. [14:03] Specific words/language to use for starting a request. [17:33] Try to avoid making requests when you are activated—meaning your nervous system isn't calm. [19:16] For a higher level of vulnerability, you may want to tell the person you're making the request to that you are very attached to the outcome of your request. [22:44] There is a difference between demands and boundaries. [23:45] Vicki gives a super-laser tool for handling when someone hurts you. [25:11] Consider intimacy as a higher level choice over being right. [27:24] Making requests gets easier with practice. [30:13] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer Beyond Bitchy Podcast |Episode 2: What Good Boundaries Can Do For You & The 5 Types and 2 Functions of Boundaries. Pia Mellody The Six Intimacy Skills by Laura Doyle

It's time to talk about boundaries and codependency! In today's episode we'll discuss how to recognize codependency, why codependency is a boundary problem, and how to stay on your side of the street. We're all battling codependency to one degree or another, so tune in and find out how codependency stops you from creating the limits you need to create. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #58: How to recognize codependency in your life. Why codependency is a boundary problem. The 5 core issues in codependency. Six common signs you may be struggling with codependency. Resources for learning more about codependency and how to overcome it. Highlights from Episode #58: Welcome back to the show! Today's episode is a deeper dive into the relationship between codependency and boundaries.. [00:39] Vicki talks about codependency and gives a little background on the term. [02:46] Codependent No More is a book that helped Vicki recognize codependency. [07:10] Vicki gives her definition of codependency. [08:38] Codependency is a boundary problem. [11:55] The 5 core issues as taught by Pia Mellody in her book, Facing Codependence. [14:23] Six signs you might be struggling with codependency. [23:39] Vicki gives some ideas and tools to help put an end to codependent behavior. [34:08] There are several 12-step community programs that can help you dive deeper into understanding codependency and Vicki discusses these. [40:33] Vicki's final thoughts. [45:04] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, Melody Beattie The Language of Letting Go Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives, Pia Mellody, Andrea Wells Miller, J. Keith Miller Codependency Anonymous Al Anon Alcoholics Anonymous Adult Children of Alcoholics

How do you deal with emotional vampires and boundary-violators in the workplace? Learn what an emotional vampire is, along with tools for responding to their intrusive behaviors. This episode is all about exercising your right to privacy and boundaries while maintaining professional relationships in the workplace. Tune in! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #57: How to deal with people who act victimized by boundaries that you've set. Why "shoulding" is a form of manipulation. Learn what emotional vampires are and how they affect you in the workplace. Tools for responding and creating boundaries with co-workers who are emotional vampires. Quick review of how to deal with boundary violations by employers or supervisors. Highlights from Episode #57: Welcome back to the show! Today's episode is inspired by a listener's question. [00:40] How do you deal with people who act victimized by boundaries that you've set? [01:59] Why the word "should" is a form of manipulation. [06:33] What are emotional vampires and how do they present in the workplace? [09:45] Hear the listener's question and the type of vampire she's dealing with. [15:40] Learn tools for handling emotional vampires in the workplace. [18:48] Tool number one: Cut off their oxygen! [21:01] You're not obligated to respond to questions that push the limits of your privacy. [24:45] Learn conversational tools for protecting your private information with co-workers who are vampires. [25:34] How to use specialized tools for boundary violations. [29:48] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part I Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part II: How It Works Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 40: The Listening Boundary Part III: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses Dan Sullivan

This episode is a quick bit of boundary truth! A listener wrote in asking about what to do when a very hard boundary comes seemingly out of nowhere. Tune in to learn what to do when you just didn't see that boundary coming, and get a refresher about non-negotiable boundaries. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #56: We discuss what non-negotiable boundaries are and why they present a problem for open communication. Learn the two types of non-negotiable boundaries and why that knowledge directs the response one should have in moving forward with another person in communication. What is a knee-jerk reaction and how to determine if this represents a non-negotiable boundary or simply an automatic response to a situation? Why you should simply accept another person's hard-stop boundary, even when you think it's extreme. What is your "communication dance" when it comes to unexpected boundaries, and what part do you play? How does this affect your relationship? Highlights from Episode #56: Welcome back to the show! Listen in for quick tips on what to do when a hard boundary comes out of nowhere. [00:40] Hear the listener's question that inspired this episode. [01:45] How to address non-negotiable boundaries. [05:25] The two types of non-negotiable boundaries. [06:19] How to address a "stash and blow" pattern when it comes to creating and establishing boundaries. [09:53] Why knee-jerk reactions shouldn't necessarily cause arguments. [11:30] Change is difficult and painful. Why we try to change others rather than ourselves. [13:23] Vicki gives her recommendations to the listener. [15:15] Build trust in the fact that all limits will be respected. [17:20] Disengage from the dance to gain clarity in your life and relationship. [17:45] Changes require support. [19:29] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 6: What to Expect When You Set Boundaries (+Non-Negotiable Boundaries) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 14: Taking Action! (Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution) Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 49: Quick Tips #5: 4 SIgns Your Boundaries May Be Too Harsh

Have you ever made a commitment to yourself or to someone you care about that you didn't keep? Have you ever promised yourself you would stop doing something or even treating another person abusively, but you just couldn't stop? Then it may be time for extreme accountability! Listen to learn why it's sometimes necessary to interject some extreme accountability in your life, and stay tuned to the end to hear my extreme accountability commitment to you! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #55: Many times the person we let down with our commitments is ourself. If you've made a commitment to yourself that you couldn't keep, then it may be time to consider extreme accountability. Extreme accountability cannot be implemented for someone else. Just as you cannot make another person change, you also cannot make them take action. An extreme accountability measure for one person may not work for another person. Every person's commitment is completely unique and should match their skills, abilities, resources, and situation. Go public to the right people with your commitment. We are much more likely to keep our commitments when we make them to another person. Let your support system know what your goal is and how you intend to reach it. Highlights from Episode #55: Welcome back to the show! It's time to talk about extreme accountability. [00:39] What is accountability? [04:00] When do you need extreme accountability? [07:22] How to create your own extreme accountability. [19:55] One person's extreme accountability may not be appropriate for you. [22:13] Why you should go public with your extreme accountability. [23:44] Learn about Vicki's extreme accountability commitment to podcast listeners. [24:30] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 22 - Want More Intimacy? Accountability is Key Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 25 - Part 2 Accountability & Intimacy: Who Decides Whether You're Being Accountable? Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live, by Martha Beck Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 50 - Extreme Self-Care and Boundaries

Expressing appreciation and gratitude communicates love to the important people in your life. Understanding how your loved ones receive — or want to receive — appreciation requires both a good talking and listening boundary. When is the last time you expressed gratitude for the small things? Are you confused about expressing gratitude for the "basics" in a relationship due to past hurts? Tune in and learn more about expressing appreciation and gratitude. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #54: Expressing gratitude for small things is essential to using and practicing the talking boundary. Depending on your situation you may also need to practice your listening boundary, the most difficult of the five boundaries. The best way to express more gratitude is to commit yourself to a daily habit and appreciating your people in the way they want to be appreciated. (Check out the 5 Love Languages Quiz created by Gary Chapman) Gratitude is, at its root, about grace. If you don't feel that you have grace for your partner, then don't do force yourself to express gratitude to her or him. Gratitude needs to align with your reality and should feel right to you. Highlights from Episode #54: Vicki welcomes listeners to today's episode about above and beyond gratitude, and remembering to express appreciation for ordinary things in life. [00:40] Why should you express appreciation for the day-to-day tasks? Vicki shares how this practice strengthens relationships. [02:08] Vicki explains how expressing appreciation relates to the talking boundary. [02:45] Vicki provides examples of expressing gratitude and appreciation in relationships. [05:38] Start with asking how the other person likes to be appreciated. Taking Gary Chapman's Love Languages Quiz and reviewing his book can help provide some answers. [07:30] What if you are in a more difficult situation involving abuse, infidelity, or addiction? Vicki discuss how, or whether, to express gratitude in these difficult circumstances. [10:34] First focus on your own thoughts and feelings before expressing gratitude. [12:49] Expressing gratitude in a previously abusive or addicted relationship can include acknowledging times that the abusive party was kind, gentle, and loving. [13:46] Obtaining more information about your spouse and how they process acts of love and gratitude will help foster a better relationship with effective boundaries. [15:15] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #2: What Good Boundaries Can Do For You + The 5 Types and 2 Functions of Boundaries Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #9: Introduction to the 5-Step Boundary Solution Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #37: The Listening Boundary Part I Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #39: The Listening Boundary Part II: How It Works Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #40: The Listening Boundary Part III: High Quality Listening = 5 Love Languages Quiz The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman

Wondering how detachment relates to boundaries and why practicing detachment is so difficult? Listen close because in today's episode we dig into the definition of detachment and how properly implementing this skill in our relationships will help strengthen them and our boundaries. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #53: Detachment cannot be practiced without boundaries because no matter how you choose to detach, a boundary must be set for detachment to succeed. It is important to recognize the people and situations who you should detach yourself from and why. Sometimes you have to detach from a person completely, and other times you detach from a situation regarding a person. Detachment does not mean that you are selfish or that you should keep your thoughts and emotions to yourself. Also, detachment is not neglect. You have a duty to pay attention to things that are wrong and address them. When you are feeling very charged about a situation or very righteous about a situation, it may be healthy and advisable to practice detachment. There are several skills to hone in order to improve the art of detachment. Listen well, state your attachment out loud, and know the difference between sharing your reality and controlling the other person's behavior. Highlights from Episode #53: Vicki welcomes listeners to today's episode and talks about detachment and how it relates to boundaries. [00:39] Vicki defines detachment, and how it relates to setting boundaries. [01:50] Detachment and boundaries go together but they are also related and detachment cannot be practiced without boundaries. [02:50] Vicki dives into different areas of attraction in several types of relationship structures and the potentially harmful levels attachment can reach. [04:41] There are two different ways to think about detachment and Vicki reveals both. [06:46] Vicki reveals all the things that detachment is not and the things to watch for when detachment goes wrong. [09:13] Vicki talks about the times that detachment is helpful are advisable. [17:10] Learn the skills needed to learn and practice the art of detachment. [21:35] If you're just starting the practice of detachment, start slow in less charged situations. [29:51] Detachment is ultimately about freeing you from feeling as if you need to manage others. [30:57] Vicki recaps what detachment is, why you need it, and how to practice it. [31:34] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part I Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part II: How It Works Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 40: The Listening Boundary Part III: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses

This quick tips episode is officially called "What Not to Do On an Elevator Alone With a Woman," but it's actually a boundary rant. Speaking of boundary rants, I've been thinking about making rants a regular series on the blog. If I do, I'll even invite listeners to call in with recorded rants about boundaries, and then play a few on the podcast. If that sounds interesting to you, send me a note! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #52: This episode was inspired by a recent experience in an elevator with a man who was almost certainly harmless, but also unconscious and clueless of elevator etiquette. When you get on an elevator—regardless of whether you're alone with a woman—don't block the door. When you're on an elevator alone with a woman, don't stare at any part of her. Better yet, turn slightly away from her. Also, don't stand in the middle of the elevator; move to the side opposite the buttons to give her some space. If you get off the elevator first, don't stand in the doorway and hold her hostage in the elevator. Some women will not get on an elevator with a man alone. This isn't about you, so don't take it personally. Highlights from Episode #52: Welcome to the podcast! This quick tips episode is all about what not do on an elevator alone with a woman. [00:39] Vicki explains what inspired her to record this episode. [02:27] We hear the story of the recent experience that Vicki had in an elevator in her office building. [04:42] Vicki takes a moment to share the detail that she had a temporary tattoo, which ends up being important in the story. [06:23] Before the man in the elevator got off on his floor, he blocked the elevator doors to tell Vicki about his recent face-painting experience. [09:12] Vicki explains exactly what was wrong with the story, and lists some things that you shouldn't do on an elevator. [11:22] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier What Is a Mandala?

Today's episode is all about intuitives, empaths, and the personal energy boundary. If you think that sounds a little woo-woo or out there, I get it! If you immediately recognize yourself in the title, I get that too. More than others, this episode may not be for some people—but I think it will be deeply valuable for the people who do resonate with the topic. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #51: The personal energy boundary is our felt sense of another person's energy. It might not be something obvious that a person does, says, or looks like, but rather their energetic field. (If you're not sure what this means, think of an angry person. You can often tell that they're angry even if they aren't yelling or otherwise expressing their anger.) Empaths and highly intuitive people tend to energetically pick up or sense what is going on with other people. When you're impacted by someone else's energy, ask yourself what you need in the situation or how you can make it better for yourself. We tend to take less action to protect ourselves than we have the power to take. If you identify as a person who is highly intuitive or empathic, use your own energetic boundary by imagining an invisible wall or glass dome around you, or angels or bodyguards protecting you. It's also perfectly okay to choose not to look at other people or to avoid eye contact with strangers when you're in public places! Highlights from Episode #51: Vicki welcomes listeners to today's episode, which is about intuitives, empaths, and the personal energy boundary. [00:39] We hear a quick recap of the different kinds of boundaries that Vicki has covered before. [01:19] Vicki shares some examples of when you might experience someone else's personal energy, and a boundary might be in order. [05:21] Vicki addresses how to deal with someone who walks into a room and energetically takes up a lot of space. [14:05] We hear about how to handle situations in which someone is indiscriminately broadcasting their sexual energy. [18:23] Next, Vicki talks about what to do in situations where you start feeling emotions that you may be picking up from people around you. [21:45] Finally, we hear about the personal energy boundary when someone is being deceptive. [23:31] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 1: Boundaries: What They Are and Why They're So Misunderstood Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 2: What Good Boundaries Can Do For You + The 5 Types and 2 Functions of Boundaries Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 3: Boundaries in Balance (and at the Extremes) + Boundary Ruptures and Boundary Violations Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 4: Women and Boundaries: Struggles and Strengths Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 5: Four Signs That You May Need to Set a Boundary Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 6: What to Expect When You Set Boundaries (+Non-Negotiable Boundaries)

At some point, all of us will have experiences that require us to focus our attention on ourselves in an intense way. For example, an advanced cancer diagnosis, an accident, or shocking news may require you to go into extreme self-care. This is the kind of self-care I've been practicing for the last several weeks, and why there was a gap between Episode #49 and #50. I'm so glad to be back! Biggest Takeaways From Episode #50: At certain points in our lives, each of us needs to go into what Vicki calls "emotional ICU." This, she explains, is why there has been a gap between the last episode and this one — she has been in her own emotional ICU. If you tend to put others ahead of yourself and give too much, you might struggle with practicing extreme self-care when you need to. Here are some ideas for extreme self-care: delegate daily tasks that you usually do yourself (like cooking), temporarily neglect things that simply aren't that important, set up an auto reply for your email, or take a step back from your online presence. When you want to support and help others, you need to be coming from a place of fullness and abundance. The world needs you to take care of yourself so that you can give back to the world. Highlights from Episode #50: Welcome back to the Beyond Bitchy Podcast! Vicki acknowledges the gap between the last episode and this one. [00:39] Vicki digs deeper into why she has been absent, and relates her explanation to previous points about boundaries. [02:51] Let's talk about extreme self-care, with examples of what it looks like. [07:54] Why should we embrace the fact that it's okay to practice extreme self-care? [11:23] Vicki shares something she has learned over the past few months: how hard it is to ask for help when you need it. [14:37] We hear some specific examples of extreme self-care. [19:01] Vicki loves drinking a variety of teas from all over the world, and talks about how she used the experience of having a cup of tea as a form of self-nurturing during her recent emotional ICU period. [24:20] We learn about how extreme self-care relates to boundaries. [26:09] Vicki gives listeners a homework assignment related to self-care. [29:14] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 23: TMI, and Other Problems When Sharing Personal Information

Has anyone ever told you that your boundaries are too harsh? Probably so! If they have, this is the episode for you. If you automatically believe your boundaries are too harsh, you will likely lead you down the wrong path. After all, getting pushback on boundaries is usually a sign that, at a minimum, you're doing something different! It is possible, though, for boundaries to be over-the-top. You'll learn four signs today that your boundaries have gone too far. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #49: There are times when we need to set boundaries that may be perceived as harsh. For example, if someone is (or has been) abusive, if they're active in an addiction, or their constant communication is starting to feel like stalking or harassment, it's appropriate to set a very hard boundary. The first sign that a boundary may be too harsh is when you try to set what you call a non-negotiable boundary for what is really an important relationship need. The second sign that a boundary is too harsh is that you continually set boundaries, but don't follow through on the consequences you express. This is typically a sign of using boundaries for the sole purpose of controlling or manipulating another person. Alienating a lot of people with limits, rules, or restrictions around interacting with you is the third sign that your boundaries are too harsh. The fourth sign that your boundaries may be too harsh is that you consistently delay speaking your mind or setting incremental boundaries, then suddenly you set an extremely strong boundary that surprises others, and seems to come out of nowhere. Highlights from Episode #49: Vicki welcomes listeners to today's episode and talks about the possibilities of boundaries being too harsh. [00:39] We hear a few examples of cases in which hard boundaries are appropriate. [01:52] Vicki digs into the first sign that your boundaries may be too harsh. [03:54] The second sign that your boundaries are too harsh is that you continually set boundaries but don't follow through. [06:48] Vicki talks about the third sign that your boundaries may be too harsh. [08:33] We learn about the fourth and final sign, which involves waiting too long to speak up. [09:46] If the other person draws lines that seem to come out of nowhere, try this strategy. [13:42] Vicki recaps the signs and solutions that she has covered in today's episode. [15:07] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 6: What to Expect When You Set Boundaries (+ Non-Negotiable Boundaries)

This is the first episode of the month, so it's dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. Specifically, this episode is a response to a listener's question about being in a relationship with a man who suffers from mother enmeshment. If you haven't heard of this term, this episode will clarify what mother enmeshment is, how it develops, as well as what you need to know if you are in an intimate relationship with a mother-enmeshed spouse. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #48: Enmeshment is a boundary issue. It means that there are poor (or no) boundaries between two people or within a family system. These poor boundaries don't allow the child independence or the ability to express themselves independently. In adulthood, mother enmeshment can manifest as being commitment-phobic, a sex addict, or a perpetual adolescent. If you're in a relationship with a mother-enmeshed man, he probably sees you through the lens of his childhood experience with his mother. Keep in mind this has almost nothing to do with you, but rather his childhood experience of his mother. One tool for making a request of a mother-enmeshed man is to give him at least 24 hours to answer. If he agrees to do something you asked him to do, and then resents or regrets it, don't take it personally — it's not about you. Highlights from Episode #48: Welcome to the podcast! This one is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries, specifically about being involved with a man who suffers from mother enmeshment. [00:40] Vicki explains what mother enmeshment is, and talks about the "ick factor" this term can evoke. [02:44] We hear a quick example of the kinds of things that a mother with boundaries might share with a child, as well as how being mother-enmeshed can manifest in adult men. [08:08] Mother-enmeshment is often described as the mother putting a boy child on a pedestal or treating him as a hero, Vicki explains. [13:26] Vicki talks about other kinds of mother-enmeshment that may sound more familiar. [15:29] How does all of this impact the partner of a mother-enmeshed man? [18:30] Vicki gives a relatable example of how mother-enmeshment comes up, and how to handle it. [25:37] Don't take it personally when your mother-enmeshed spouse agreed to do something and then resents or regrets it. [33:20] Vicki points out something else to remember: you cannot change another person. [37:06] It is possible to develop compassion around the toxic legacy of enmeshment. [41:53] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners by Ken Adams When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment by Ken Adams Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 47: Boundaries With "Avoiders" Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 37: The Listening Boundary Part I Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 39: The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 24: The Politician (No, Not That One)

***Victoria has a NEW boundaries podcast! Click this link for Boundaries Queen.*** This episode is for anyone who needs to learn more about boundaries, but I have a special announcement today for listeners who are betrayed partners. The Friday after this episode airs, I'll be starting a start a five-part class: The Survive and Thrive Blueprint Live Online Mini-Course. Registration is open until February 28 at 11:59 PM! Today's episode is inspired by a listener's question about the role of boundaries in relationships with what she calls "avoiders." Tune in and learn all about how to handle setting boundaries in relationships with "avoiders," how they differ from other boundaries, and what to do when a loved one is struggling with painful feelings that come up when they have an avoidant family member or friend. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #47: Being avoidant is one end of a continuum that has to do with our attachment style. There are two primary attachment styles: avoidant or anxious. Avoidant people often come from families with high avoidance, or had a very needy parent. Trying to seem like a safe, comfortable person to get an avoidant person to come out from behind their wall probably won't work. There is a place for boundaries with avoiders, and this is more likely to be the limits you set for yourself rather than with the avoidant person. You can also create a boundary with an avoidant person by making an agreement, but there are some things to know first about creating agreements with them. When you're in a situation with an avoidant person and you're trying to figure out how (or if) to respond, notice your sensations, thoughts, and emotions. Next, take action accordingly for your own well-being and self-care. Highlights from Episode #47: Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode and explains the back story behind how the podcast came to be. [00:39] For listeners who are betrayed partners, or partners of sex addicts, Vicki has a special announcement. [02:58] Vicki explains today's topic, which relates to dealing with boundaries with people who are avoiders. [04:53] What is an avoider? Vicki answers by explaining the two major attachment styles. [07:10] Vicki talks about common ways that people can form avoidant attachment styles. [11:14] People have a right to be who they are, even if they're avoiders, Vicki explains. [17:15] Vicki addresses the specific question of boundaries in relation to avoidant people. [19:34] We hear specific examples of how to handle situations with avoidant spouses or people in your life. [24:42] After noticing your experiences, take action for your own well-being and self-care. [29:54] Vicki makes a final point specifically in relation to the listener's question. [32:55] Links and Resources: Survive & Thrive Blueprint Online Mini-Course Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

Have you ever been given advice, suggestions, recommendations, or feedback that you didn't ask for or want? Or maybe you tend to offer these things yourself? I was inspired to create this episode shortly before Valentine's Day, when a blog follower let me know about a typo in an email I sent to one of my lists. Tune in to learn why giving unsolicited advice and feedback is problematic, how to determine whether to offer another person feedback, and what to do if someone offers you their unsolicited opinions or feedback. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #46: When you give unsolicited advice or feedback, you're on the boundary-less end of a continuum (the other end is being too walled off and not vulnerable at all). In some cases, offering unsolicited advice is logical or practical. For example, if someone is struggling to operate a mechanical device or can't figure out that they need to push or pull a door to open it, by all means offer some assistance! Here are three simple guidelines to consider when you're tempted to offer unsolicited advice or feedback: Don't assume that someone wants your feedback just because they're sharing a problem with you. Sometimes people just want to be heard! If you want to share feedback, advice, or your own experience, first ask if the person wants it or is open to hearing it. If you ask and they say "no," just drop it and respect their boundary. If you're on the receiving end of unsolicited feedback, try a neutral response like, "Well, that's interesting," or "I never really thought about it like that," or "I didn't know that," and then just drop it. Highlights from Episode #46: Today's quick tips episode addresses the topic of giving feedback. Vicki starts things off by explaining what feedback has to do with boundaries. [00:39] Sometimes it's logical or practical to offer unsolicited advice, Vicki explains, and gives an example. [02:50] Vicki talks about what inspired her to record this episode. [05:03] We hear about other cases of potentially problematic unsolicited advice. [10:10] Vicki offers listeners three simple guidelines to decide whether to offer unsolicited feedback or advice. [11:51] Vicki explains how she uses these guidelines both personally and professionally. [13:56] What do you do if you're on the receiving end of unsolicited feedback? [15:35] If you're the person in the habit of giving unsolicited advice, Vicki provides a homework assignment: try to not give any feedback at all for a temporary period of time, and give people in your life permission to choose not to receive your feedback. [17:39] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Give Yourself the Gift of Self-Love on Valentine's Day by Vicki Tidwell Palmer Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 3: Boundaries in Balance (and at the Extremes) + Boundary Ruptures and Boundary Violations

It's the first episode of the month, and that means we're focusing on boundary issues related to women. While both men and women can struggle with over-giving, women are particularly vulnerable to people-pleasing or saying "yes" to every request. Today, we'll talk about five signs that you're over-giving, and what to do about it. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #45: Most women will significantly extend — and overextend — themselves for others, but they may neglect themselves in the process. Think of giving and receiving like breathing — giving is the exhale, and receiving the inhale. Both need to be in balance. There are several reasons why women tend to over-give. Women are trained to be nice and nurturing, they may suffer from codependency (which can be more apparent in women than men), and they may believe they have to say "yes" in order to be liked. Here are the five signs that you may be over-giving: You're resentful. You almost always say "yes" when someone asks you to do something. You consistently feel under-appreciated and undervalued. You have a compulsive need or habit to tell others about the wonderful things you're doing or how hard you're working. You believe that your "yes" is directly related to how much someone will like you. To end over-giving, try these tools: Use the "good enough" test by asking yourself whether what you've done is good enough. Ask yourself whether you can say "yes" without feeling resentment. For a temporary period of time, give to yourself before giving to others. Ask a friend or your spouse whether they think you over-give. For one month, write down all the times you said "yes" and later regretted it. Highlights from Episode #45: Welcome to episode 45! Today's topic is over-giving, something that women tend to be more vulnerable to than men. [00:39] We learn about some of the reasons why women are vulnerable to over-giving, which include pressure to be "nice," suffering from codependency, and believing we have to say "yes" to be liked. [03:17] Vicki talks about the first two of the five signs that you may be over-giving. [10:29] If you struggle with saying "no," Vicki recommends listening to Episode 34. [16:49] We learn about the third and fourth signs of over-giving. [17:42] Vicki explores the fifth sign of over-giving, which involves saying "yes" too much. [22:24] We learn some quick and practical tools to end over-giving. [24:56] Vicki recaps the points that she has covered in today's episode. [33:12] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Pia Mellody Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode 34: Women, Choose Self-Care Over Self-Sacrifice The Need to Please: Mindfulness Skills to Gain Freedom from People Pleasing and Approval Seeking by Micki Fine MEd LPC

Has anyone ever told you that boundaries are selfish? Some people might claim that your boundaries are too "harsh" or "rigid," or that boundaries are "wrong" or even "evil." ( Yes, really!) In this episode, I'll explore several explanations for why people might react this way, and truth about boundaries and selfishness. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #44: The least pathological explanation for why someone might think boundaries are selfish is that they simply don't understand what boundaries are. If someone has a strong distaste for boundaries, it's likely they just don't understand what boundaries are. Another explanation for why someone might tell you that boundaries are selfish has to do with manipulation or control. The person on the receiving end of a boundary might complain that the boundary blocks intimacy, which is often a manipulation strategy. Nobody owes another person physical or sexual intimacy, or access to their body on demand. This is true even in intimate relationships and marriages. Boundaries around physical or sexual contact are non-negotiable, and are not selfish. Here are four reasons why boundaries are not selfish: they create safety, they create clear communication, they help you understand (and choose) how close you want to be to another person, and they let you become more relational. Highlights from Episode #44: Vicki welcomes listeners to today's episode, which is all about the question of whether or not boundaries are selfish. [00:39] We learn about the least pathological explanation for why someone might think that boundaries are selfish. [02:19] Vicki shares a story and some examples that illustrate boundaries as reasonable and necessary. [04:54] We hear more about a problematic explanation for why someone might tell you that your boundaries are wrong or selfish. [07:43] Sometimes the person on the receiving end of a boundary will complain that the boundary is blocking intimacy. [09:07] Vicki points out a problem with telling someone that their boundaries are blocking intimacy. [11:33] We learn four reasons why boundaries are not selfish. [12:50] Links and Resources: Vicki Tidwell Palmer Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier Sheri Winston