Beat Your Genes Podcast

In today's show, the Dr's discuss: 1. Are attachment styles just the last trend in psychodynamic nonsense? Or is there some legitimacy to it? 2. I wanted to get your perspectives on the trait of confidence. Do you view confidence as a combination of Big5 traits? Is there such a thing as internal confidence or is it all driven by market feedback with respect to mates, friends, and trading partners? I'm particularly interested in understanding if there are ways to help children feel more confident. 3. Please can you help me with 'Imposter Syndrome'? I was recently offered, seemingly out of the blue, a stellar opportunity to work at the highest tier of my industry that I am yet to complete training in. I am HC, HA, HN, above av intelligence. After weeks of stress & emotional turmoil, not to mention hard work, I pulled off a great presentation and have been flooded with esteem & positive feedback & people wanting to work with me. Not soley because of the presentation, but my name must be getting 'out there' in my field. I am in a permanent state of bewilderment & anxiety. I cannot seem to internalise, accept as true and enjoy my 'success.' I feel like a fraud and that my new clients are overestimating me and will be disappointed. Please help, these feelings are crippling and are inhibiting me moving forward. NB This is my third career and I have not experienced anything like this before.

In today's episode, Dr. Lisle goes over: What would be the stone age benefit for women to seek only compassion and not direct help or solutions? I grew up in a household with parents who successfully left their home countries and "made it" as engineers in the US. I grew up with the expectation that I would follow their trajectory - I completed a bachelors, a masters, and was always "en-route" to medical school. Post-graduate school though, things started to look a little differently for me. I lost academic steam and I fell into mystical, artsy land. Recently, I feel like I woke up from a pity-party slumber. I am getting back on the path to medical school. The problem? I am torn. I find myself battling 3 different lives: a life of sacrifice to others through usage of my scientific aptitude, a life of being a jester and using my charm to brighten people's lives, and a life of solitude in pursuit of philosophical truths. So what do I do? Why have I been torn in this position for the past 3 years since graduate school? Am I stuck in black-or-white thinking and can do all three, or have I subconsciously ran a cost-benefit analysis and have determined certain routes aren't worth it? My sister is in need of bone marrow. As her only sibling, I would be ideal for this and have a 25% chance of matching. But this comes with serious risks for the donor. Unlike my sister, I take good care of myself, eating a whole foods diet. I am not on any medication and avoid taking even aspirins. Also unlike my sister, I am vehemently opposed to taking the vaccine. However, my doctor says that I will likely be forced to take it if I want to be her donor. I could postpone a decision and simply find out if I'm a match, but if I am, I will feel compelled to continue going down this road, a road I'm not sure I want to go down. How do I make this decision? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, the doctors discuss: I have been married for 8 years to a man who is a federal government employee. He is very responsible and reliable. Now, since the pandemic, he has been working from home 4-5x/week. I have notice how lazy he is. I workout, eat clean, do the cooking and all the cleaning. I find myself getting so irritated when I am with him. He is overweight and growing. He literally sits watching TV or reading articles on the computer and eating crap during working hours. I do not understand why my habits are not more influential. My question is, how can in manage my feelings of frustrations and irritability. I border lack of respect and even attraction to him, am I being too dramatic. I am in a relationship for about 4 years now. I am an agreeable introvert she is disagreeable introvert.. we both like spending time together and doing things, but our sex life is not great, she has some medical reasons and penetration is painful.. and this is something that comes up every now and then, she confessed previous relationships ended because of this, i can feel it most times she is not enjoying having sex, but she puts up with it. My question is, is such dynamic possible, can a relationship survive long term, my sex drive is quite high, i'm 30, she is 28.. i feel like we should make it work but dont know what are the odds of this, i find myself reaching out different outlets to express my needs. How can I tell if my boyfriend is in love with/is really interested in his 'female friend'? How often would you say intuition is right in these situations? Is it possible to be an agreeable highly testosteronized male? What would such a male look like? This confuses me bc I often think of highly testosteronized as a dominance climbing, aggressiveans & competitive and so am wondering how these traits co-exist. Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, Dr. Howk discusses: Should I be worried if my boyfriend's career is a higher priority than me and our future family? If I was the love of his life would his career still be more important than me? He is 40 and a financier on wall street. What are the ways women abuse men? Is the silent treatment, inducing jealousy, withholding intimacy, considered abusive? I'm a woman and I found myself doing these things in a toxic relationship in which my partner called me abusive, which made me wonder if I was. You've only briefly touched on video games on the podcast, and I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on the psychology behind them. What do you link their popularity as an entertain medium / form of escape to?You've only briefly touched on video games on the podcast, and I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on the psychology behind them. What do you link their popularity as an entertain medium form of escape to? I am a 35 year old female who is afraid to talk to men. I am so nervous when talking to the opposite sex that it is affecting my work and studies, to the point where I chose to pursue a professional degree in which the majority of students are female. I avoid interacting with males wherever I go; I always choose female doctors or dentists and only speak to female salespersons when in a store. At 35, I have never been on a date, which my friends (who are female) and family think is weird. I have never been traumatized by a man, never been raped, and had a good childhood. I know this is not normal and would like to overcome this. I am a student in my 3rd year of a bachelor of psychology. No matter the subject, the courses always manage to devote a section to gender theory. Its taught as a fact that gender is a series of norms socialized into us and have no basis in biology. Where does evolutionary psychology fall on gender theory? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, the Dr's discuss: can you illuminate us a bit about the nature of sexual disgust. I am currently seeing a man who is very much in love with me and is a good match for me in general. I like him very much and can imagine him as a future partner. However, I hate being touched by him. I feel so grossed out by it,it doesn't turn me on at all and so I avoid physical intimacy with him. Is there any way to get over this or should I just quit? My ex that I was with for one year that's 60 pounds overweight and objectively a 4 cheated on me even though I'm 108 pounds with about a .7 hip to waist ratio and at least a 7. Why would this happen? I dated him because I thought he would appreciate how much more attractive than him I was and thus treat me well and not cheat on me at the least! The girls he has dated before me and cheated on me with were less attractive than me. He even said they were only 'okay'. He told me he makes seven figures but I estimate it to be $200,00 which is still great so maybe that's why he thinks he's so great and better than me? He showed me the ring he was going to propose to me with as a last ditch effort to get me to not break up with him which was apparently $80,000. My guess is that it's actually around $15,000. Other than that, he doesn't seem interested in marriage in general even though he's 41. Is he just naturally a short-term mater unless he's insanely rewarded? If he really valued me wouldn't he not risk losing me over some random girls? Please tell me what I'm doing wrong and what's going on, I have an open loop about this and I feel like I can't stop thinking about this until I understand every small detail so I can avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, the Dr's discuss: My male friend told me he married his wife even though he was in love with an ex-girlfriend because he could trust her to be loyal whereas he couldn't trust his ex. How often do men do this? How good/bad of a situation is this for the wife who wants a reliable husband and father until death does them part(she might be concerned about him having an affair with the ex)? How do I assess how to stimulate/encourage my brain's moods of happiness? I've always been quite anxious but this feeling has worsened in the past two years. I always feel a sense of insecurity about the future as well as inferiority to everyone. I question my decisions and my capabilities. Is it a real fear that signals that I'm not "contributing to the village" or is it just my personality? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In this episode, Dr. Lisle discusses: Is jealous and controlling/possessive behavior a sign that a romantic partner loves you or is just a something to do with their personality? Does crystal clear usually only work with honest people? I suppose a dishonest person would lie and manipulate during the crystal clear, therefore the best outcome of the conversation would be finding out the truth despite their dishonesty and/or terminating the relationship because of the realization of their dishonesty and that it carries too many costs. How common is it for men to be successfully deceived about a woman's promiscuity? How easy is it for men to correctly 'sniff out' a woman's promiscuity? How common is it for women to lie about their promiscuity? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, the doctors discuss: Dear Doctors, my husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years now, and have an amazing relationship. We agree on most things, enjoy spending time together, have great communication and have very infrequent arguments. One thing (probably the only thing) we do argue about is my sex drive and my husband's penis size. If my husband had it his way, we would have sex twice a day, every day and for me there is about a 10 day window every month where I actually want to have sex and the rest of the month I have absolutely no desire. My husband believes it is because he has a "small penis" even though he is the one who noticed my sexual desire peaks around my ovulation window. When we do have sex it is amazing and we are both fulfilled. No matter how many times I tell him he satisfies me and it has nothing to do with him or his size, he does not believe me. When I do engage in sexual activity outside of my "window" it is solely for him, and he can tell that I do not enjoy it. He immediately thinks of his penis size and gets depressed about it and he truly believes if he were bigger I would want him more. How do we move past this as a couple? How does a woman prevent herself from cheating on her 'horace' husband with a 'jimmy' and losing his fathering to their children if she's not in a magic 10% relationship? The recent episode about current events was alarming. I understand the basics of what's happening, but is the gravity of the situation being exaggerated by the doctors? Could they be falling into the trap of being the wise prophet foretelling doom in the stone age? That concept has been discussed on the podcast before so I'm curious their thoughts on it now. Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, Dr. Howk discusses: I grew up facing a lot of turmoil; I had a physically and sexually abusive father, I left home and was homeless from 16 to 18, and dealt with a lot of tumultuous grooming situations at a young age, and so forth. However, I was dealing with it really well up until 20 when I started to take therapy; while simultaneously moving to a tiny city that was very into "woke" culture. I feel as though it may have exasperated my victim mentality, but I am unsure. I want to know, was the victim mentality trait already integrated within my genetics or does woke culture and modern therapy have enough influence to exasperate that mentality? Does it matter the severity or weight of what you went through when it comes to coaching yourself to leave the victim mentality? How do I cope nondestructively with stress? As a quite emotionally unstable yet conscientious person, I find myself stressed a lot of the time. In the past, my way of reacting to stress has been reaching for food. I learned that I stress ate because my body was seeking something to increase my chances of survival and reproduction during an uncertain time. More recently, after successfully stopping myself from using food to alleviate stress, I have turned to impulse shopping. This also makes sense from an evolutionary perspective, since the things I buy include jewlery, hair and nail appointments, and clothes, which all enhance my physical appearance and also increase reproductive success. I was wondering if there is something I could effectively do to soothe stress in the moment that won't make me gain weight or break my bank account. If I had to put a label on it, I identify as a bisexual female. I'm overthinking applying the EP concepts that I understand so well when it comes to dating women. For instance, do the 10 paid dates still apply with two women? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's episode, Dr. Lisle discusses: Why do men sometimes pair-bond/fall in love with obviously promiscuous women(promiscuous reputation, clubbing/partying often, always scantily clad)? Maybe I'm having a hard time understanding because I'm a young woman. I would love to hear your thoughts! What pair-bond behavior do highly testeronized men show? My boyfriend of 1 year remembers minute details about me, pays for all our dates, sends me food when he's not with me, and has bought me a new MacBook Pro, iPhone, Tiffany's jewelry, flowers every month, and teddy bears but he is not very verbally or physically affectionate. He has never initiated sexual activities with me either, although I can tell he enjoys when we do them. He's very jealous and possessive, insulting other men's abilities and intentions with me and always telling me to dress more modestly. In addition to not being verbally(as in compliments, sweet-talking, baby-names) and physically affectionate, he's easily irritated with me, curses and yells at me when he's angry, and dismisses my thoughts and opinions. He has proposed to me with a $20,000 engagement ring but I am hesitant to get more invested in this relationship but I am extremely confused about how he feels about me. If this is the pair-bonded behavior of a highly testeronized man maybe I am more compatible with a man who's closer to the middle of the bell curve. Your thoughts would be appreciated! Could you please speak on what it is like to have a romantic relationship with a person with low emocional stability? I have started dating a man who describes himself as having low emotional stability. Although he is very sweet and loving, I do wonder how high the cost will be to maintain this relationship. I am very emotionally stable and as such I'd like to know what to expect. Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, the Dr's discuss: I listened to Dr Howk on pseudo esteem where you say: If you are highly agreeable, highly conscientious and not that emotionally stable - being on social media comes with a high price for you psycolgy. I teach workshops for companies and I get graded every time from each students. I get 5 from 95% of the students but sometimes I get a 2 or 3 and I can tell right away before I get the evaluation who in the crowd will grade me low. How do I stop trying to please the one disagreeable person and not feel bad for getting a low grade? When I have a disagreeable person in my workshop I feel like I have to work twice as hard to turn him or her over to my side. It feels like Im spending 1000 dollars on a 100 dollar asignment and Im drained. My boss allways sees the evaluation and I feel the need to explain my self if a person gave me a low grade. My boss uses the good evaluations as a selling point to get the companies to buy more workshops at his school. Do you ever talk about abandonment/rejection issues? Examples: my mother divorced my father when I was seven years of age in 1959 and my mother was murdered in 1968 leaving behind 7 children. I was put on psychiatric drugs when I was 13 because of anorexia and being miserable about being bullied at school. The drugs messed me up. I can see it now that I have not used them for years. I was on various types of drugs around 10 years. I now know how damaging and useless those drugs are and I know my cognitive abilities have been damaged because of them. I also now realize just how much damage psychiatry has caused to my life overall. I'm extremely angry and bitter. I'ts incredibly painful to think about what has been done to my brain and what potential has been stolen from me. I dwell on my anger and bitterness everyday and it's unbearable. How can I cope? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, the Dr's discuss; How would you raise a child? Specifically for the first year? All that whining and crying, and getting barely any sleep for the first year. Is there anything parents can do? Or if nothing, if someone has the finances to, would you recommend a nanny or something similar? Do obese people have differing psychologies? I would assume obese genes wouldn't survive to reproduction in historic times before agriculture (in terms of extreme obesity), so do you think that has any impact upon psychology today? Also, are there any groups of people that have differing psychology from the average of the human population for reasons similar to the question? Or just at all? Is it genetics how much sleep someone needs? Do some people just naturally need more sleep even when diet and exercise and stress levels and everything is in the right place? Do introverts need more sleep and rest because their nervous system works differentlyI? I have been working on that with my family members who are very difficult, unpleasant and disrespectful toward me. While it does help considerably with the day to day dynamics, I often still feel guilty about pulling away, and think that I need to explain myself to everyone (although I haven't). Why won't my inner critic give me esteem for separating myself from the disagreeables? Why is there is such heated fight over a woman's decision to have or not to have a child? Most actions to enforce antiabortion laws are taken by male politicians. What is it to them if someone's offspring appears on the planet Earth against their mother's wish? I would like to hear your thoughts on people having paranoia. In the Internet you hear all kinds of reasons for why people have them. Is it mainly genetics and personality? Can you treat paranoia and if so, how? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, the Dr's discuss: How do you explain, in the context of evolutionary psychology, women who pursue polyamory? It seems like they are doing a good job of beating the instructions dealt them by their genes. Alternatively is polyamory is just the new, politically-correct way of cheating on your spouse and potentially ending an unwanted relationship? I am a female from Canada trapped in the country for now.. Currently, with the vaccine mandate, I can't sit inside a restaurant or even join an outdoors sports group. This makes meeting people and dating rather impossible. Should I try my luck just to get out into the market. If so, should I display my vaccine status? My date will find out pretty soon when I say I can only go on a hike date. I've been in a "magic 10%" relationship for almost 2 years. He treats me like a princess, but what robs me of peace of mind is that he has a sister my age who is a single mother. She often asks him for help, money, babysitting, at some point she even asked him to live with her. He refused, but felt guilty afterwards. Is me sharing my man with his sister a sufficient reason to break up? It feels bad both to be in this relationship as well as to end this relationship. It makes me feel guilty as well, because there is not much of partners fault. Is there anything that can be done? Does having a surrogate mother drive a subconscious rift between husband and wife because certain neural networks were not tripped in the female brain? And is there any solution that can trip these circuits so the natural attachments are made? I've learned about the harsh realities of being a new parent and the incredible lack of sleep involved. If sleep is so vital, why would nature design such intense sleep deprivation for mothers when raising young children? It seems so counterintuitive. Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses: Why do I often get small epiphanies about various things in my life when I'm half asleep? I've noticed many people act differently around close friends and family than they do around coworkers and strangers. So, how do we know what our true personalities are? For example, I'm the life of the party around people I know very well, but totally shy and quiet around strangers and at work. I'm also quite disagreeable with close friends and family, but highly agreeable with everyone else. Is it my high conscientiousness that causes me to be such a Chamaeleon? Do other animals (besides humans) show self destructive behaviour? Why are humans so self destructive? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's episode, Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk discuss: My question is about how evolutionary psychologists can interpret the species-specific human diet differently. Dr. Lisle supports a plant-based, starch-heavy diet. Meanwhile, Dr. Geoffrey Miller supports a paleo diet (heavy in meat and greens). It seems clear that the majority of calories were gathered, not hunted, which lends weight to the plant-based, starch-heavy type of diet being the standard human diet and the correct one to follow. How can researchers have such different interpretations of human diet? I would love to get the doctors' take on the FIRE movement (Financial Independence Retire Early). Is it just another example of the enlightenment trap? I read "Your Money or Your Life" in my mid-twenties and since then have been saving approximately half of my income. I now have enough to "frugal retire" if I want to. But now I don't have a goal to work towards. I've always wanted to travel and learn foreign languages; so I'm doing that. But I know that if I wasn't taking classes every day I'd be bored out of my mind. Did I just waste the last decade of my life engineering my very own complacency cage? Noways, a lot of people gravitate towards food when they are stressed. What did people do in the Stone Age when they were stressed? Did they fight, did they sleep, did they meditate, did they go on walks, did they talk about it? And what about animals? What do they do when they feel stressed? I was wondering if Jen and Doug have ever talked about the increase in angry violent outbursts on airplanes and other places that has happened in this age of Covid. There have always been angry outbursts but why have they increased now. Is it some kind of temper tantrum in reaction to loss of control due to Covid. Social media is just filled with these incidents. Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, Dr. Howk discusses: My house is lovely, and clutter free - except one attic room which is where I keep a large amount of sentimental objects all neatly packed and stored and kept clean. I have a lot of objects, letters and cards from my own childhood and life. I have a lot of my children's clothes from age 0- 5, and a lot of their toys from the early years. I have their dismantled cot. I have every picture they have ever drawn. Why do I feel I need to keep all these possessions? Is there a way past becoming so attached to things? My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and are very happy. I am 38 and he is 44. We've talked a little bit about children and both came to the conclusion that we don't want to start over. . Anyways, I've had to get on various forms of birth control and some have been horrible on my body and mind. I got information about a vasectomy for him, even told him I'd pay for half and he kind of makes excuses and doesn't sound like he's in a hurry to do so. What do you think this means? Does he eventually want another child but just not with me? Should I try and push the issue more or just keep trying different birth control methods even though they are costly and inconvenient for me? I'm a very non confrontational person, what is the best way to bring this up and also ways to help me not stew on the idea that I don't qualify as a mother to his potential child. How do I get over the victim mentality? Over the last few months I've been feeling 'down'. The only thing really missing is that 'other half' in my life. Could that one thing really be causing me to feel so unhappy with my life? Or do you think with current events, Covid etc there is just a general wariness and fatigue over us all? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses: Is there such a thing as going mad? Are similar expressions mostly just used to discredit people? What about mental breakdowns? What would cause a fully-functional, productive member of society to have a "nervous breakdown," and become a total basket case? Conventional diagnoses include PTSD, anxiety, Major Depressive Disorder, and the treatment has, so far, been, treatment with more and more meds, whether in or outpatient. Is this just a function of personality? Is this person running a CB analysis that says it's better to be this way, even though she's miserable and claims that she wants to get back to work and life? What's the best way to support her? How do I get over small slights in an otherwise happy and healthy relationship? I am probably more sensitive than the average bear. My partner of 5 years is great. But he has a habit of correcting me on the proper pronunciation of words whenever they come up, usually 1-3 times per year. The first few times I took it on the chin. But eventually I told him it really bothered me and made me feel stupid. Other small slights could be if he didn't show appreciation for a great meal that I make when I do all of the cooking. These incidents can set me off on a 3 day freeze out. I don't think he deserves me being angry with him for that long and always wish I could just stop. It took me a long time to even start bringing up hurt feelings because I've always felt so over rewarded, but now I try to so things don't fester. I try to think of all of his good qualities but that doesn't work. Is this just a neuroticism tinged disagreeability streak in me that I can't change? I tend not to think of myself as a disagreeable because I always go out of my way to not hurt others' feelings and am an otherwise happy, cheerful person. So, do you have any ideas on how to get over these slights? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses: Is it different when a female partner indulges in the equivalent of but for women, than it is for if a male partner indulges? From what I understand, if the man is still very into his wife, it might not be much of a problem at all. Is it the same when a woman is indulging in shows and books that titillate the female mind? At 24 years old (female) having left a long 4 year relationship I did quite a lot of "market research" and calibration via casual dating/sex which was incredibly informative and mostly fun. ​Near enough after 100+ matches and 20 dates, I met my current boyfriend, and it's been going great. We've been dating about six months and we're in love. He really resents me having had casual mating partners because he said it's a big turn off and likes to pretend it "didn't happen". Without my dating history I don't think I would be satisfied to pair bond or understand what I want from a long term partner, so it's hardly irrelevant to where I am now, but I am really committed to making him feel loved and secure with me. Do you think this is a natural reaction in the stone age as men especially want evidence that their pair bonded partner is capable of loyalty and not flake or cheat on them? In which case do I avoid bringing it up and accept my past decisions are sending the wrong signals, or sit down to discuss if these decisions threaten the security of the relationship? I understand marriage is unnatural to our natural history, and you're generally against getting married if you're not absolutely sure and haven't been together for 21 decades (joke), but what advice would you give for someone in a pairbond to make them continously more attractive for a pairbond? So if someone wants to simply settle down and be happy with one person, how do we beat our genes? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, Dr. Howk and Dr. Lisle discuss the current state of affairs in an analysis of human behavior and motivation. Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's replay of episode 223, the Dr's discuss: How does withdrawal and Tolerance In drug usage compare to eating foods with addictive properties in terms of trying to quit? For instance, Would planning a strict day and time for a specific portioned unhealthy meal once a week then after get straight back on the wagon aid in keeping tolerance low and cravings at bay? or is complete abstinence the key to lifelong success in ending the addiction? I've been trying for about 3 years to be WFPB but I've never made it more than 30 days and when I cave into crap foods each time it's making me doubt I could achieve this success. It seems so far that calorie restriction might not offer the degree of increased longevity benefits for humans as is found in mice and other animals. If you took an evolutionary perspective on this, what might you guess could explain why humans don't get quite the boost that other animals do? Do you think humans and perhaps some other animals have physiology that might expect to go hungry fairly often, so it's required for a normal lifespan rather than causing an abnormally longer one? I recently celebrated my 30th birthday during this time, as fun and different as it was, the classic questions have now come to my mind about dating/settling down. I am single, and have not been on a date in 2 years! I know my chances are decreasing by the year of "finding a mate", and I am worried that males will be able to tell I am not as young as is ideal. Is there any way of avoiding this/giving off the illusions/impression that I still have value on the market as much as a twenty something? Is following your lust just another pleasure trap that will leave you dissatisfied long term? Should a person who is not pair bond oriented try to work towards this for long term happiness or is this like trying to change your personality? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's show, Dr. Howk discusses: I think Jordan Peterson has done a fantastic job of exploring the evolutionary basis for Jungian archetypes. He appears to have a firm grasp on the literature, and he is convinced there is consilience between the two fields. In particular, Peterson's synthesis places institutions such as Christianity in a dramatic new context. But then again, this is an argument I imagine Richard Dawkins would be vehemently opposed to. The debates on religion between Peterson and Sam Harris serve to illustrate this intellectual divide. So where do you stand on this matter, Jen? Is Jordan Peterson right? Can we bridge the gap between Jung and EP? If yes, what implications does this have? If no, what convinced you? In a female dominanted enviroment...workplaces, when there is no man. there there is an air of competitivness and cattyness, that can linger.. Once a man is introduced, even if he is not in a position of power, the relaxation is palpable. Why is this?..why is the female competition not ramped up.....Why does the roster settle the hens? My employer, like many others, is adopting many trainings and policies based around words like "equity", "inclusion", "systemic racism". I work in public sector for a large west coast city so my coworkers are very liberal and 72 percent non-white, so the majority view is very much "woke" Obviously the answer is to just stay out of any discussion but are there any other strategies that I could use to avoid conflict with out having to pledge allegiance to "blank slateism"? How do you guys avoid the nasty labels that come with the uncomfortable insights of EP? Could we soon see widespread persecution of evolutionary thinkers? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In this replay of Ep 202, the questions are: 1. I've been married to a 90% disagreeable man for 42 years. Many times I've packed my bags but never followed through. I dream of being on my own, doing the little things in life without being questioned. As he has gotten older his drinking has become a problem. Every year finds me more depressed. How to know when to go? 2.why do men flirt? I am falling for a guy who is a huge flirt. I see him flirting with me and with other women, and he has a long distance, long term girlfriend who he is faithful to. Why does he flirt so much? Why am I falling for him even though I know he doesn't mean anything serious by flirting? 3. How do you deal with toxic and controlling parents who like to believe that they are doing RIGHT by continuing to control your life well into your adulthood ? Is it normal to feel that you have a hate relationship with your mother because of lack of support and love to you? As a daughter it feels awful to feel it this way but I can't get over the fact that having a distant and uncaring mother has driven me into agreeing to marry a person who is totally different to me in personality. Even to this date my mother still emotionally blackmails me to not get a divorce by using her health as a reason. You can divorce your spouse but how can you ever divorce your mother and get over it without feeling the guilt? 4. A friend of mine is having some troubles getting in touch with his friends regularly. He always thinks, if I (or anyone else) doesn't contact him first, I don't like him anymore. It seems to me like he is suffering from some kind of inferiority complex in that sense. How do you explain such a behavior in an evolutionary sense or to broaden my question, why do people suffer from inferiority complexes and how can they try to overcome such feelings?

In today's show, Dr. Lisle answers: My daughter was recently informed by her therapist that self esteem is created in the first five years of life. My daughter feels now that I failed her in This regard as I was the primary caregiver. Essentially she feels her unhappy life is now my fault. Why do so many therapists focus so very much on upbringing and early life experiences vs genetics? I have a highly ambitious streak but can't seem to string together any consistent action since I graduated university and settled into a job. My concern is, am I doomed to mediocrity? What use would it be for me to have these feelings of missed opportunity, boredom at work and the desire for more if I have a personality that checkmates all my efforts. Dr Howk suggested in a previous episode, without high conscientiousness it is very unlikely one will be able to create any lasting habits/ stick to the fundamentals. Is there anything I can do because as Dr Lisle says we can't change our nervous system? Am I doomed to live a life of what could have been? Dr Lisle has spoken on previous episodes regarding running an experiment in order to engage your self esteem mechanism and feel the pride that comes with doing a good job. This pride will supposedly allow you to get on a path of self improvement. I could see how this process can be effective at turning off the feelings of frustration that come with doing a mediocre job. However in a previous episode Dr lisle also mentioned that boredom is a sign that you are not learning much at work and a signal for you to use your time more productively. How then does doing an excellent job and improving your self esteem signals bear on tasks you find boring? Can doing a good job and improving your self esteem signals make these tasks that are the "right of passage" as a junior employee feel less like drudgery? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. Podcast website: www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

In today's episode, Dr .Lisle and Dr. Howk weigh in on current events.

In today's replay of episode 198, the Dr's discuss: 1. I think that you are absolutely right when you say that happiness comes from esteem, earned in the right way from the people that matter. It's really beautiful to me how that works. But on the other hand, I occasionally meet women who impress me a great deal, strictly based on their DNA- i.e., above-average looks, brains, and personality. Or, as you might expect, even just well above average looks. So my question is, how can attraction be such a profound emotional experience when so much of it is purely on the basis of DNA, and nothing that has been done to earn it? And in fact people are more impressed with someone when it appears that they are not trying? Is how we feel about ourselves based on what we earn, but how we feel about others mostly just a matter of their DNA? 2. How does IQ affect relationships? Specifically, a male having a greater IQ than his female partner, at what point would this cause problems in the relationship and how? 3. I am a recently single 30 year old male, and I've been hitting the online dating apps once again. With my more finely tuned evolutionary lense thanks to your podcast, I've noticed something interestin. It seems as though most of us, while we want to put our best foot forward in order to increase our chance of success, we still can't help but leak potentially market-limiting queues. Is it simply that we are programmed to be honest so that we don't end up wasting our time with people who wouldn't find these market-limiting interests appealing? Is this a simple energy conservation cost-benefit analysis?

In today's show, Dr. Howk dicusses: 1. I am a fairly successful artist in his late 20s (definitely another Jimmy the Guitar player). My Big Five is highly distorted (O-98, C-75, E-98, A-15, N-98), which has gotten me in all sorts of trouble but luckily, my high IQ has kept me on the right track. Your podcast and website have helped me in almost every arena, but I can't shake my Jimmy gene. I find myself "falling in love", but losing interest just as quickly. This has caused many unhappy romantic relationships, sometimes even when I desperately want them to work. How can a Jimmy who would love to pair bond beat his genes? Is there a ten paid dates rule for men? What is the right environment, if I can't change my personality? 2. I'm a young male adult (~20), and I truly enjoying studying, working out, training, and just overall being productive. I know it's because I'm trying to gain mate value and climb social structures, but I truly enjoy it. Now, I recently aquired a girlfriend, and I've found that I'm more attracted to bouts of watching youtube videos for a few hours at night before I go to bed, or just generally not being productive. I've had problems here and there, but most of the time I avoid the temptation altogether and it works well. But the energy to stop relaxing and start working once I'm there is more than I'm willing to muster, it seems. It may be that this is just how I feel right now in life, and in a month or two I'll be more productive again, but do you think it's possible that now I have a mate, my brain doesn't believe I have a serious need to climb structures and gain skills? If so, that is seriously depressing.

In today's show, Dr. Lisle answers the following questions: 1. Our adult son is still living at home to save money to buy his own place. This year he was riding his motorcycle without insurance for short rides. We chose to put a wheel lock on his bike until he gets insurance. Since then he basically ignores us. How can we get through to him and put an end to this 'stand off'? 2. My partner is 44 and has never had a serious job for more than a couple of months. He hates authority and always complains about having superiors or work being "dull". I've been the main breadwinner for many years and I am fed up. The thing stopping me from throwing out his stuff and changing the locks is the fact that we have a 10-year-old child. That, and the fact that my partner has a bad temper when pushed. How do I get out safely? 3. My son is 14, and his personality is not very charming. He says very mean things to me, he is violent towards things and sometimes me, he has a hard time making and keeping friends. He is selfish in a way that is ruthless. Our dog is terrified of him. I don't know how to deal with him anymore.Give me advice on how to be a better mother and how to cope please. 4. I am having a major personality clash with my mother-in-law. She is extremely religious and insists on praying for me and my husband regardless of what we are up to or going through. Every success is owing to her prayers, and every failure, she claims, is *in spite of* her prayers. She has been a major point of stress for me since getting married three years ago. Her brand of undermining, theological interference really bugs me. Do you prescribe some disagreeable distance, or perhaps something else? I want to be a pleasant daughter-in-law but find myself feeling nothing short of hateful for her godly gaslighting. HELP!

In today's replay of episode 197, Dr. Lisle disusses: 1. Does the myelin sheath development also apply to more purely mental abilities like reading and comprehension, or the ability to imagine and come up with inventive solutions to a problem? For example, how much can learning and practice be helpful in growing infants and children? Will a baby that is spoken to for 5 hours a day learn to speak significantly faster than one exposed to only an hour of language a day? Or are parents kidding themselves when they spend so much effort to give their child an edge in cognitive development? 2. I'm a private person: I cringe when people air their dirty laundry or have what to me are very private conversations in the facebook comment section. I don't signal affiliation or loyalty the way most people do, and tend to minimize advertising even when it would be seemingly beneficial: I recall declining someone wanting to write an article about me back in high school because "it's nobody's business". I realize I'll always be like this, but the way you and Geoffrey Miller talk about advertising opened it a new perspective. Do you think I'm missing out, and if so, how could I improve where it matters? 3. How do scientists go about measuring genes? How do they identify and associate them with human behavior? Is this something they can see with Petri dishes and a microscope? What would a behavioral scientists day look like?

In this epsiode, Dr. Howk and Dr. Lisle discuss current events.

In today's episode, Dr. Howk and Dr. Lisle discuss current events.

In today's replay of episode 207, we go over these questions: 1. I understand from evolutionary psychology that certain market distortions, like a large number of females in college, or a small number of males in elderly age affect the quality of partners we're willing to date. What I am not sure about is how this calibration changes subjective experience. Do people only change their behavior to attain a partner, or do they also feel more attracted to people of perhaps lesser gene quality? 2. When I was in my twenties, I used to go to bars and wait in line to get in during the winter. In Montreal, winters can be very cold but one would always see girls waiting in the cold with no proper clothing. These happened to be the sexiest girls. My buddy would be impressed with them, saying that they seemed to have a supernatural ability to beat the cold. My question is: do you think that exhibiting the capacity to sustain a noxious stimulus can be used as a gene quality signal? Do you think that smoking can also viewed in this way? It is obviously a pleasure trap, but smokers may want to send the signal: "Look how high quality my genes are, if I can get away with smoking with impunity" 3. I am an introverted married woman in my mid forties. I have a friend who is single and in her early 60s. She frequently asks me and a small covey of women (who all happen to have mates) to go out dancing, to dinner, etc. via group texts. As I refuse to go to nightclubs, I occasionally join them for dinners (maybe twice a year) but refuse to go to nightclubs. My question is, Does a woman increase her chances of finding a mate if she surrounds herself with other women? Is she attempting to create a lure of sorts? I don't want to continue to be uncooperative about assembling with the group if this is something that could potentially increase her chances at finding someone.

In today's show, the Dr's dicuss the following question: 1. In episode 243, Dr. Lisle defined the pleasure trap roughly as the state of an organism being fooled by artificial stimuli into believing it is achieving biological success. How does the placebo effect fit into this picture? Given that the placebo effect typically makes a person feel better without the underlying condition improving, it seems like we have evolved with something akin to the pleasure trap built right into us, and therefore the pleasure trap is not a modern phenomenon. 2. My anger and frustration is increasing as folks insist on eating foods that cause their disease which, in turn, incurs costs that all of us are then obligated to bear. Everyone wants to complain about the high cost of health care and global warming but choose to ignore the obvious solution. I need help in dialing back my frustration and increasing sense of despair. 3. The recent talk about living in distortions has really resonated with me. Is this the same as the early concept of making a paradigm shift in our thinking? Looking at the Mind Map, if the self is a calibration system that sets goals, and those goals are based on our personality's view of our competitive environment, are our distortions derived from outdated calibrations? Or how are they accumulated over time? It seems many of us get stuck in a particular way of looking at the world and our elevated place in it. And if we get stuck in those distortions are we then destined to work toward the wrong goals? Maybe I just want to hear more about how we concoct distortions and how to confront them...Love the work you all do!

In today's replay of episode 206, Dr. Lisle & Dr. Howk go over the following questions: 1. Depression often gets talked about as being a biological condition and that just like having a broken arm, treating depression with medication is similar to treating a broken bone with a splint. What is the opinion of Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk about treating depression with medication vs. taking an evolutionary approach to helping individuals improve the esteem dynamics in their life? The combination of medication and therapy is often viewed as the best treatment, but I don't think most therapies take the approach that Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk do. 2. I'm a male and I've noticed that in numerous relationships, if my girlfriend was mad, then she would just flat out ignore me. I don't understand this behavior as anger would usually lead me to talk through issues and try to resolve them, whereas they might just ignore my calls and messages for days at a time. This caused me tremendous stress ro the point of getting no sleep and significantly impaired life functioning. How do I deal with this situation? And is this a male/female difference in conflict resolution, or an esteem dynamic where I'm over rewarded? 3. Ive been living with my boyfriend for over 15 yrs. Been with him total of 25 yrs. Im a young 60, he is 57. Ready to fall off ur chair? We have never had intercourse. First 10 yrs we done sone other intimate things, but no more. He never pursues or initiates anything with me. I used to try, but tired of being rejected.;( I want to leave the relationship. But do not. I definitely need help, can u give me some insight & guidance.

In today's show, the Dr's discuss the following questions: 1. For the past 20 years I have been bewildered and somewhat dissappointed in how my ex-husband and two adult sons have been difficult to get along with and very dismissive of me, despite my huge efforts to forge a warm and close feeling among the 4 of us. No matter how hard I try, I keep getting rejection and sometimes even ridicule from these guys,even though none of us live together anymore. Now, finally, I realize that the problem maybe isn't me (ie. not a "good enough" mother or wife.) Perhaps it is in their personalities -- they would all score pretty high on the disagreeable bell curve while I am in the high 80's for agreeableness. So now what? Is there a different strategy I should take with these family members. Or should I just give up and head for the hills? I would appreciate any help. I love these people, but I don't enjoy being with them anymore. 2. You've talked about how people enjoy landscapes that indicate that safety, food, and water needs will be met. But why do people feel a sense of wonder and awe at the night sky, a newborn' s hand, or the Grand Canyon? Are these feelings related to religious experiences? Are there personality traits that would be more likely in people who have frequent experiences of awe and wonder?

In today's show, Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk discuss some economics, politics, and this question from a listener: (Paraphrased due to original q length) Dear Dr's, I was recently laid off from my job and even though I'm collecting unemployment, I still want to get another job. I've applied for and received opportunities for jobs. One offer is to work for the police as an analyst but do I really want to work for an establishment that hauls people to jail for not wearing a mask? Another is a high tech job implementing 5G technology - I have strong opinions against 5G and think it needs more testing. I know 5G is coming whether I work on it or not, but I feel guilty putting my efforts toward it. I have the same sort of personal objections on the other offer. What the hell is wrong with me? I need the money and I need companionship. It is hard to get a job in this economy and I have worked so hard to get these. Why am I so confused about which job to take? Maybe I should just forget it and sit around on unemployment.

In today's replay of episode 205, Dr. Lisle & Dr. Howk answer the following questions: 1. My brother never does anything in moderation, for example if he starts working out, he'll organize his life around it, stop all social drinking and the like. Then he will eventually feel empty and complain he's burnt out. My question is, is he destined to live in this open-unstable roller-coaster ride, or can I give him some advice (perhaps Harry Browne style) that will help him find his place? 2. I've heard Dr. Howk talk about social media as a potential pleasure trap, and I was wondering if she could go into more depth on that. What are the circuits being hijacked? What advice would you give to a low-key social media addict?

In today's show, Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk discuss some current events including vaccine passports, an impending social credit system, and some libertarian principles.

In this episode, Dr. Lisle & Dr. Howk briefly discuss a recent article titled, "Harvard researchers help explain link between emotion and addictive substance use". https://www.hks.harvard.edu/faculty-research/policy-topics/health/report-sadness-triggers-addictive-behavior They discuss addiction, relapsing, channel factors, Dr. Howk shares a personal story, and we answer the following listener question: Most of the people I know use chemicals to manage their lives as least in some aspects: coffee to wake up, alcohol for social lubrication, SSRIs when feeling down, and beta blockers for anxiety, even Adderall or cocaine for productivity and charisma and so on. Even knowing what I know, it's hard to resist the feeling that I'm leaving some competitive advantage on the table by not partaking. I assume you would discourage the use of most if not all of these substances. It it because you think they are all net negative in the long run, or do you find the whole concept puts the cart before the horse by trying to mold emotions to fit the environment instead of working on the environment? Are there any exceptions?

In today's show, the Dr's discuss: 1. Is it possible to have a personality that is not a good fit for a long-term committed relationship? 2. I have this one specific girlfriend who seems to be different because she ONLY attracts pair bonds. She has never gotten a casual mating approach, not that I can ever remember. She gets approached by all fine, decent, good looking, intelligent guys who all really love her. She's average looking, yet thin, long haired and very intelligent too. She gets in a stable monogamous relationship with one, stays with him for 2/3/4 years saying she really, really loves him and then abruptly dumps him, moving to the next one.. I'm more curious about how she can be so lucky to always find good pair bonds as to why she acts like this. 3. A friend has become a life and wellness coach primarily through social media. She enjoys what she does, makes a livable living, and creates value in her clients' lives. Yet, when our friend group occasionally mentions this friend everyone seems to disapprove of what she's doing business-wise. In fact, all of us have unfollowed her on social media because we can't stand to watch her content. She gives advice on nutrition, makes motivational videos, and sells coaching sessions to women—and for some reason, it all comes off as disingenuous, scammy, and distorted. I have no intention of changing her or her business. What I'm curious about is why we feel disgust whenever she comes up in conversation. There's no issue whenever she and I hang out in person. We always have a good time. But, why am I so turned off by her Internet presence and the way she makes money? Could it be that I think she's claiming unearned status? Or could it be that I see the online coach version of her as deceiving and therefore a threat to the village? Please help me understand.

In today's replay of episode 212, the Dr's discuss the following questions: 1. Would you still recommend psychology as a career? I am interested in becoming a therapist, and your podcast has turned what I thought I knew on it's head and has completely changed the way I would want to go about my theoretical orientation. But now that it's so different, I feel like I am doubting everything. Could you talk a little about what it's like to be in the position of the therapist? I am looking for information to direct my behavioral output. 2. How do I overcome fear? I have a friend who is brave and courageous! I would so like to accomplish those qualities, but whether it comes to sky diving, public speaking, or taking other risks im super scared and it takes so much for me to make the leap? How can I make the leap easier and become more courageous when I know that's what I really want? any tricks/shortcuts/technique or game changing information regarding this? 3. I am a female in my 50s now, and all of my life when someone is mad or upset with me, for any reason and no matter who has the 'right' to be upset, I cannot live with it. I perseverate on it and I cannot shake things until things are resolved and even after sometimes I do not find a release. I am surprised that at this point in my life I cannot shake this. For example, at work I made a mistake and I am working to fix the error, but I am ashamed and even though I am moving forward with efforts to fix the problem and grow from it, I cannot rest for weeks. What is this heavy and stressful feeling trying to tell me?

In this episode, Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk discuss this situation: I am a 26 year old female and in a two year relationship with a guy named Luke. He is an MD and works at the hospital, he is rather smart, lookwise pretty average but neighter overweight nor has a funky smell. He is a nice guy, will provide for me and the family as soon as we have kids, which is already on our agenda. He respects my wishes to a large extent and eats only plant based at home though he used to eat meat. He is caring and always there for me even when I am going a bit crazy. Sounds perfect right? Well. When I was 20 I met a guy (Dave) and we became best friends, after a year or so we had a short phase where we had sex, which led to quite some trouble and our friendship wasn't the same ever since. We did see each other every couple of months but we never got that close again, he also moved to another country closeby. I really fell for him though and all throughout the years I was never able to let go of him, he appeared in my dreams and so on. He is the same age as me and my partner, but restarted college again in the new country he is in now, he is in no position to provide while I want to be a stay at home mum. Also he is not into me. He never was and I don't think he ever will be. I dont't know why I can't get this guy out of my head, he still makes me shaky after five years and a lot of misbehaviour on his side. Luke on the other side is nice. But I never crushed on him once, it was all a rational choice. So tell me. How can I let go of this feeling for Dave? I just don't get it, my mind is totally on board with planing my future with Luke and having a familiy and kids soon, still there is always this nagging voice/ feeling reminding me of Dave. I also thought about him while I was having sex with Luke and I feel really bad about it. How do I move on? I really want to be happy and feel like I am standing in my ow way.

In today's episode, Dr. Lisle discusses: 1. How much do you owe your parents as they age? My father is very disagreeable and I hate being around him. As my father ages, he will need me to care for him more but I would like to move out of state. He does not have any savings to afford quality nursing home care. Do I need to take him with me because there would be no one else here to care for him? 2. I'm having environment issues and I'm really stuck as to what to do about it. I have a 36 year old special needs daughter. Every chance I get, I sneak into her room and grab some cookies, or candy or whatever else she has stashed in there away from Mom. It's really hindering my progress. 3. I am easily thrown off by simple things at work or in my personal life- and I'm a crier. My mom and I had a disagreement recently and I didn't get over it for over an hour and kept involuntarily crying because I was so upset that I disappointed her. I don't re-calibrate quickly from negative feedback and I'd like to learn how to get better at it. Maybe I'm too darn sensitive. 4. I am very happy with my life, have a dream job, good performance reviews, good pay and I so I should be happy. But I know that I'm not fully applying myself at work and I that I'm cruising at 50% effort. As as result I feel constant guilt for slacking off at work, and yet I cannot seem to force myself to work harder. The boss is happy, and unless there is an immediate and heavy deadline I don't feel motivated. Can you talk about this phenomenon please?

In today's replay of episode 211, Dr. Lisle & Dr. Howk discuss: 1. How does neuroticism interact with IQ? We've all been in situations where a reasonable point of view is met by a barrage of irritable insults. Are people whose emotions play such a major role able to reason in an abstract and measured way, or does high neuroticism knock off the equivalent of 10 or 20 IQ points? Has this ever been studied? 2. What are the uses and limits of trying to create habits? For example, I often try to establish patterns of doing the dishes before bed, going to bed early, showering early during the day, cleaning regularly and the like, but it inevitably falls apart like someone coming off a diet. In what areas are/situations is it worth bothering, and how do I keep of track? How do I alter the CB amd make my conscious priorities into my nervous system's priorities too? 3. My husband had an affair last year, but we are slowly working through things ourselves and taking steps to save our marriage for our children. 1. How can I get over the feelings of inadequacy I have in my marriage post-affair? It's been almost a year since I found out and I still bring it up in arguments. At times I use it as my trump card and win our arguments as he feels bad every time I bring it up. Yet I can't bring myself to stop doing it. 2. How can I let go of the jealousy and resentment towards his affair partner? They are still in contact and remain friends. I find myself checking her social media accounts and obsessing over her, and I want to stop.

In today's episode, Dr Lisle & Howk discuss the following questions 1.My friend (washed up Jimmy) felt that the Doctors were undervaluing 'washed up Jimmys' potential contribution to a relationship. He made an interesting point. In a society that is bringing women into the workforce, there will inevitably be more relationships with higher earning females. We can see that this will run afoul of our ancient attraction circuits. But isn't this a necessary trade off of the gender equality movement?If women in the workforce must "status-settle" on a lower earner, why not have a washed up Jimmy, as opposed to a low earning Horace? Horace can neither provide sexuality nor security. Maybe this is why this is a recurring dynamic in Dr. Howk's practice. The conversation got me thinking that perhaps a society that adheres to traditional genders roles is more conducive to viable romance. 2.I recently tried and failed to make my best friend into a trading partner. She needed money and seemed like she would be an asset to my business. I had started a proofreading company and hoped she would become one of my most reliable editors because she told me she had great experience and lots of her own clients. After she did a few less-than-perfect jobs for me, I decided I would not be passing on any more work to hersince I was losing money (I had to get her work re-edited). At the time, I didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her the work wasn't good enough, so I paid her, said nothing, and hoped she would get the idea. Several months later, she has realised and cannot forgive me. For me, this was a purely business decision and was not personal. Even though I feel bad for her and how I handled the situation, I can't accept that I should have done different. But I've now lost a friend. Was this conflict of interests inevitable and is there any way to salvage this friendship?

In tonight's replay of episode 190, Dr. Lisle discusses the following questions: 1. I was wondering how Dr Lisle reconciled two seemingly opposing thoughts I've heard on separate episodes. 1. CBT is an effective therapy to mitigate cognitive distortions and 2. The human brain/nervous system does an immaculate job of evaluating its effectiveness and status within a group. If our brains do such an amazing job of evaluating feedback from the group, why are cognitive distortions so common? 2.I've often felt anger when someone seems to misunderstand something, perhaps honestly and perhaps disingenuously in something that is approaching an argument. The feeling often keeps me from explaining exactly what I mean because I expect that the exact points of the disagreement are disingenuous so it won't matter and I will only regret justifying myself and "opening up". You've often mentioned that that communication in relationships isn't faulty the way most psychologist say, but you've also talked about getting crystal clear. So should I beat my genes and get crystal clear, or is the inference that it won't change a thing correct?

In today's episode, Dr. Lisle discusses the following question: Do you have any tips for getting yourself to do the hard things you know you should do? I am a voracious consumer of self-improvement content. I truly believe in the science and superiority of the whole food plant-based diet, in the importance of regular exercise for physical and mental health, and in the benefit of productivity and life-improvement. I have things that I know would absolutely improve my life in the long run but I cannot seem to make myself do these things, even though I am high in conscientiousness. It's as if I keep convincing myself I can just "slip on by" being lazy. It's a pattern that has followed me all my life - I'm quite smart and always got good grades but I've only put in the effort to do well rather than extraordinary well like I could have, even though I know this would be of great benefit to my life in the long-run. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm in my mid-20s and obese, lonely, depressed, addicted to technology, and performing far below what I could be in life. How do I get myself to do the things that I know will make myself more happy and increase my competitiveness in society?

In tonight's replay of episode 187, Dr. Lisle discusses: 1. Why am I so stagnant? Despite doing poorly in practically all the dimensions of my life (romantic, social, pursuit) I don't take any effective action. I've done an immense amount of therapies from various modalities, worked with many therapists, including numerous other things to no avail. I stew and rage but don't do anything and I don't know why. I also like to feel like a victim so as to not feel the pressure of responsibility. 2. Your explanation of anger and guilt being mirror emotions really struck me. Do you think there is always a mirror emotion like anger and guilt? Or is it rather mostly a spectrum like your explanation of depression and boredom, when related to stress? I would be curious to hear about more on categorizing emotions. 3. I am a bit confused about when disagreeableness is seen as a negative and positive trait. You said agreeableness is a highly valued trait, and while it is clear that one would want a disagreeable lawyer, you also said that charisma basically comes down to disagreeableness, and when most people think of charismatic people, they certainly don't think of pushiness and anger. I am probably ~75th percentile disagreeable (but pretty stable) and generally try to beat my genes by hiding it, but, not contradicting people, avoiding confrontation, for example with groups of friends. Am I right to do so, or could I win more friends/esteem by being more "assertive"? 4. I'm trying to work on it, but I feel I have an issue with agreeableness. I'm too agreeable, to the point that I feel bad about myself for disappointing others, like turning down a job offer or rejecting a potential partner when it's obvious that those situations won't work out. How do I get past this, "trying to please all of the people all of the time" mentality

In today's show, Dr. Howk & Dr. Lisle discuss: 1. On your episode about the 2020 election, I was very surprised to hear the two of you lionize the sturdiness of American government when one of the central problems in American life, diet-related disease, is so largely attributable to lobbying. If government can be bought, how am I supposed to buy the idea of a reliable government? 2. How do people like the Esselstyns, Dr Campbell, and others not fall into the Ego Trap re: plant based eating? 3. Would you do a show addressing dating between men and women who are past their baby-making years? Those in their fifties and sixties or older who are widowed or divorced. As a 62 year old widow it seems most men just want something casual with no commitment. I want a commited partner. Any advice? 4. Last week I was crushed to hear Dr. Lisle say he is dead from an evolutionary prospective. As a an avid follower of Dr L, Dr H and BYG, this active 75 yr old woman is finished with with reproduction but still desiring social contact and certainly not ready to retreat from the village. I would love to hear you address the social needs of seniors who are open extroverts.

In today's show, Nate Gershfeld recaps some favorite clips from the 2020 episodes.

In the last live episode of 2020, Dr. Howk and Dr. Lisle discuss: 1. I am in my mid forties and for almost my whole life I have been a strong advocate of much stricter controls of driving, smoking and drinking. Literally my only disclaimer is that I understand controls may lead the behaviour to go underground and so you'd have to allow for that. Otherwise: Bring on the controls of these dangerous activities! I personally do not own a car, do not smoke and do not drink by the way. Others seem not to feel the same and often strongly say the deaths are an acceptable cost to the ongoing enjoyment of smoking, drinking and relatively unsafe driving. How fantastic that everyone's cost-benefit-analysis has suddenly shifted so far to now accept infringements on personal behaviour to prevent covid deaths? I say "welcome to the saving lives party; I have been here enjoying it for many years and I welcome you. Perhaps now you are ready to save a few more million lives with some relatively minor additional infringements of personal liberty? Perhaps we could look at driving, smoking and drinking?" Muttered replies ensue. "Oh wait," I say, "covid is special? I've looked at the statistics and yes maybe it is. It seems to be by far the least dangerous of the four and yet we're doing much more about it. Wierd." 2. BYG listeners are sophisticated enough to recognize that and video games represent "supernormal stimuli" that can be problematic because they ultimately get in the way of achieving meaningful goals. But if we are really honest with ourselves, wouldn't we admit that dogs and cats are really just another form of this counterproductive "supernormal stimuli" - meaning that they tickle the reward pathways meant to incentivize family formation but could possible inhibit us from doing the work to form meaningful bonds/offspring with potential mates.