Austin's Hot Takes

In this week’s episode, you’ll get to enjoy a high-quality haiku about deodorant and a slightly evil and totalitarian plan for overthrowing all of the stereotypical frat guys. Also, Austin spends an incredibly unnecessary amount of time discussing overtures and why they’re confusing. As a bonus, get to hear the Austionary definition that broke the world.

So why DON’T bears need to wear sunscreen? Do turtles hibernate? Are bears bald? We explore and fail to answer these enigmas of Austin’s mind in this week’s episode. Also hear about Austin’s revolutionary new goopy food invention: Mac’N’tatoes and how he’s going to sue bad Mac and cheese makers, we think??? Also, if your name’s not Austin, Justin, Kaci, Mace, Obi-Wan, or Blaziken, your name is overused garbage.

Are you sick and tired of “normal” podcasts that make you laugh with their “jokes”? Does getting praised by a complete stranger inflate your eggy? Do you ever wonder what do boats do? If you answered yes or no to any of these questions, then this episode is the thing for you! Hear Austin rant about bands, tubas, and dance teams. Marvel at the peckies of a shirtless Batman. And learn about the musical that started it all for Ms. Parton, Hello Dolly.

ATTENTION! If you or a loved one has experienced unfathomable pain less than 24 hours after being declared to be in “peak physical health” by a medical professional, you may be in danger of dying before the age of 30. Common side effects may include: barely meeting the height requirement for dating, an insatiable desire to kill all trees to rid the world of paper, and the inability to tell if your tomatoes are rotten without asking your roommate to lick them. Call your doctor right away if you have trouble sleeping in your pillow cave, frequently cut off all circulation to your arm, and wake up at 5am invigorated with energy.

Ring in the autumn season with us as we discuss Austin’s hatred of all the seasons (Surprise! It’s bees again). We also revamped Justin’s Hot Fakes for season 2 where we forced Justin to channel his inner Austin to puzzle the AHT crew. Other topics include Mousequake, Darth Vape-er, and How the Grinchilla Stole Christmas.

In honor of Austin’s important life milestone (he bought groceries for the first time and hated it), we adventure into season 2 of AHT! Emily, our #1 fan, joins us to talk about how Austin survived knives that wanted to stab him in the kitchen and “embarrisohg” human interactions at ACME. Also hear about how Austin’s metric time is much better than Galileo’s invention of time, his inability to tie shoes, and his desire to be a Girl Scout.

Who would win in a fight: Jeremy’s army of 7000 Roman Jeremy Legionnaires or Austin’s Imperial Margarine Army of Austins? We were off this week so enjoy this old mini-episode where we tackled battle strategies like allying with chickens to turn the enemy into an omelette. Neutrality is not an option. Whose side are you on?

Hear about Austin’s 9 part adventure as he struggles to get a COVID test in the real world. He overcame historical obstacles such as understanding an insurance card and suffering on hold through opera music. Also, we rehash the problems with using children as currency and having them fight to the death as gladiators.

Our producer (aka Gianna aka 50% of Austin) makes her first appearance to help Austin argue what constitutes a salad. Examples include: potato salad (french fries), boat salad (ice cream sundae), and snack salad (popcorn). Also hear about Austin’s plan to never wet the bed again, his hatred for “Cowboy Hat Country,” and the debut of Justin’s Hot Fakes.

No special guests this week (well, except Austin, as always). It’s just us being infuriated by Austin’s inability to comprehend stamps, “letters,” and the entire U.S. Postal Service. We also suffered through Utopiburgitron, Austin’s ideal society featuring a one-fanged Santa assassin that would have Ben Franklin (our “real” first president) rolling in his grave.

The angle theory of sandwiches is a complex, yet delicate, subject we brought local BBQ chef Collin to assess. We also debut Austionary. Think English is confusing? Add Austin’s definitions to your repertoire! Other topics include white girl K-pop bands, motor orbs, and toothpaste mallets.

Why can’t Austin beat money? Rob, an economic expert by blood, joins us today to answer Austin’s many money questions. Also, hear about GPS (The Guiding Pigeon System), food religions, and how Austin is “trapped” in a dead person’s cultic group chat.

Andrew from the Mamma Mia Cinematic Universe (MMCU) starring Tyler Perry joins us today to discuss some hot Disney takes including Austin’s fear of princesses and his hatred for Avatar: The Last Blue People. We also review YOUR listener submitted criticism of Austin’s Disney attraction bracket and why you’re wrong.

Pumping gas? No jug handles? How does Austin survive outside of New Jersey? Also, learn about Austin’s color theory that explains why six is an odd number.

Austin hatches his plan to convince America’s finest to rid the world of evil bees. The crew also discusses the many powers of finger guns.

Today, we adventure through the life of Austin as he struggles to act normal (and avoid getting judged) at work. Hear about his disturbing popularity with older and younger women and his love for his friends at The Olive Garden.

Austin doesn't drop the bar this episode😉 but he drops a lot of names (that we nixed in editing). Plus, hear about second grade Austin's strategy for picking up girls with his seductive teeth and learn more about his . . . interesting beliefs about food.

In this inaugural episode, the AHT crew discusses Austin's hatred (and lack of understanding) of microwaves, his inability to understand British accents without subtitles, and the infuriating inefficiencies of armor and every time period in which armor was worn.

Not “Satisfied” with the original Hamilton? What if we told you Austin’s sequel is a murder mystery about who really killed Hammy and features lightsabers, Batman, and space metal? Musical guest star Michelle (she just really likes musicals) joins us in breaking down Austin’s hot history takes, Helen Keller: Track Star, and the debut of “Food or Eww.”

In honor of our first celebration of Fang Day, Tim from *insert dolphin noise here* High School joins us to hear Austin judge books he’s never read and complain about how he can’t nature well. You’ll also hear tips on how to win word games with words that don’t exist yet and how Austin’s fear of hospitals hasn’t prevented him from sending his whole family to the ER.