Absolutely Not

On this episode of the absolutely not podcast Heather is back from a tryst with Santa and hopped up on supplements & a hope and a prayer. Everyone is panicked about the dumpster fire of the beginning of this year- but here we are holding on for dear life, full of acid reflux and optimism, damnitt! Go to Squarespace.com/ABSONOT for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code ABSONOT to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Refresh your rest with the comfort essentials from Brooklinen. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot for $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100. Visit talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month when you use promo code absolutely at sign up. What are you waiting for? Join the Movement and get 20% off your first 4 orders when you go to IMPERFECTFOODS.COM and use promo code ABSOLUTELY. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this final episode of the Absolutely Not podcast of 2021- Heather ends the year strong- on an emotional rollercoaster of barely holding her shit together. It's obvious all of the listeners are fully spiraling as well - like the High School Musical says "were all in this together". Whether you're fighting omicron or just fighting with your family, Heather takes to the Absolutely NOT line to set the record straight! Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Go to getcanopy.co today and use code ABSOLUTELY10 for an extra 10% off at checkout. Your skin will thank you! Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It's the end of the year and Heather is filled with all the warm fuzzies! Tune in for her year in review - she's talking gratitude and getting real about coping with the pressure of the industry. Plus, were chatting poultry, UHauls and parental dating on the Absolutely Not Line! Win the gift game this season with Rothy’s shoes and accessories. Get $20 off your first purchase at rothys.com/ABSOLUTELY with extended returns and exchanges through the holidays. Get $20 off your fertility test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Get $10 off your first product order of $50 or more on italic.com with code ABSOLUTELYNOT. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather is answering all of your questions on the Absolutely Not line and noticing a common theme- That white trash scammer named Trish. Turns out she is bugging everyone this year with her antics while she smokes menthols outside of the Buick enclave. She's a scammer, a lover and loves raw meat. You'll understand when you take a listen... Head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY25 and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY25” at checkout for 25% off your order and free shipping in the US. We’ve worked out a special deal for my listeners. Receive 20% off PLUS Free Shipping SITE WIDE. I recommend trying one of their best selling variety packs, it’s a great way to try all of their delicious flavors. Go to JUNESHINE.com/ABSOLUTELY or use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout to claim this deal. Match with a licensed therapist when you go to talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code ABSOLUTELY. Don’t miss out, Brooklinen’s biggest sale of the year is here! Listening after the sale? You can still save. Visit Brooklinen.com and use Promo code absolutelynot for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

In this special bonus episode, Robin joins Heather to discuss her goals for 2022 and why she should be running a youth detention center. On the voicemails we are talking bad wedding guests, kissin' cousins and unfortunate tattoos. The holidays are upon us and the Absolutely Not's are more unhinged than ever! Go to getcanopy.co to save $25 on your Canopy Humidifier purchase today when you opt into a replacement filter subscription. You’ll receive a replacement filter every 6 weeks (right when it’s time for a new one) PLUS, you’ll receive a free aroma kit to be used with Canopy Humidifier’s built-in aroma diffuser. Go to athleticgreens.com/absolutely for a fee 1 year supply of immune supporting Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs with your first purchase. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is fresh from her tour of the Florida and Carolina coasts. It was a wild weekend of live, laugh, lovin. Heather remembers growing up as an organic kid looking for their chemical fix. There are lots of trigger warnings in this episode from the sweaty kid in PE to a bitch not letting you drink red wine at her wedding. Buckle up and don't listen if you're easily offended. Get 20% off your first order by visiting foriawellness.com/ABSOLUTELY OR use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout. Head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY25 and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY25” at checkout for 25% off your order Go to Thepillclub.com/ABSOLUTELY, to get your first birth control care package and donate to help more women in need of affordable birth control. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, we're having a post-thanksgiving bitch fest because everyone has been forced into unwanted family-time and now we're all chain-smoking near the garage. IT'S A MESS. It's time to reboot bitches, and take some time for yourself-because if we don't, we won't make it out of the holiday's alive! Get $10 off your first product order of $50 or more on italic.com with code ABSOLUTELYNOT. With StoryWorth I am giving those I love most a thoughtful, personal gift from the heart and preserving their memories and stories for years to come. Go to StoryWorth.com/absolutely and save $10 on your first purchase! Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather interviews her favorite, Bad bitch, female chef, Soraya Khoury- owner of Hen Mother Cookhouse in ATL. Did you know that fixing your dry ass bullshit turkey is as simple as slathering that bitch with clarified butter? Chef Soraya has all the tips and tricks to make your holiday perfect while also fighting the patriarchy! I’ve got you a special 30% off your order and free shipping in the US for BLACK FRIDAY. Just head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY30 and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY30” at checkout. Visit Brooklinen.com and use Promo code absolutelynot for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Get free shipping on all water and merch at LiquidDeath.com/ABSOLUTELY. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather is fresh off of having her labia, ahem, I mean larynx investigated and things are rough. She is joined today by good friend and road dog Christina Tompkins to chat all things tour, positive heckling, farty cowboys, and the power of Google. After all the computer knows more than you ever will. Match with a licensed therapist when you go to talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code ABSOLUTELY. Take your FREE in-depth hair consultation and get 15% off your first order today! Go to Prose.com/absolutely. Birch is giving 400 dollars off ALL mattresses and 2 free eco-rest pillows at BirchLiving.com/absolutely That’s thepillclub.com/absolutely, to get your first birth control care package and donate to help more women in need of affordable birth control. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather sits down with her mother, Judge Judy, to discuss her toddler-like behavior on the road this weekend. She showed up ready to party and inevitably steal the show. They discuss Robin's old blind-dates, a chocolate factory and how men never change, for example getting boners on the dance floor! So much family fun and more! Get 20% off your first order by visiting foriawellness.com/ABSOLUTELY or use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Go to JUNESHINE.com/ABSOLUTELY or use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this week's episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather is triggered by a woman named Margret who wouldn't let her have her hometown sportz moment in peace. Her husband doesnt know what a thermometer is and she was shaken like Italian dressing at the Braves game and is really raging on memories from the past. She hits the hotline and clearly y'all were goin through some shit this weekend too. Visit Brooklinen.com and use Promo code absolutelynot for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100 Right now, you can get $20 off your first purchase at rothys.com/ABSOLUTELY Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual. Get $10 off your first product order of $50 or more on italic.com with code ABSOLUTELYNOT. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather is fresh off her weekend in Ohio where she had a genital injury but things are turning around now that she is reunited with her BFF, Raymond Padilla. He’s a pillar of every community but also a full liability. They discuss “tying one on” and squirting through life. Foria is offering our listeners 20% off your first order by visiting foriawellness.com/Absolutely or use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout! I’ve got you 20% off your order and free shipping in the US. Just head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Get free shipping on all water and merch at LiquidDeath.com/ABSOLUTELY or grab some at Whole Foods, Sprouts, and 7-Eleven. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not podcast, Heather is fresh off an amazing weekend of touring and is jazzed with the spirit of the Lord, We rebuke any evil in the name of Jesus... and ALSO answer your horrific voicemails on the Absolutely Not line. If you need a little support to help you through the end of the year, or want to start building towards a better upcoming year, Talkspace is here to help. Match with a licensed therapist when you go to talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code ABSOLUTELY. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely Canopy has a special offer for Absolutely Not listeners! Go to GetCanopy.co code ABSOLUTELY10 at checkout to save an additional 10% off your Canopy purchase. See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather finally gets her mother to sit down and give her 10 minutes of time. Robin has an extensive pro's and cons list of dating must-haves, and good luck to anyone at all that can live up to her list of demands. Naturally the conversation is as ADHD as the kid named Terry in your first grade class, but here we are folks. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100 See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual. That’s 10% off at ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is jolted back into her Suburban life with paying bills and dealing with Diva Red. Nothing more humbling than coming home to your mother screaming about parking prices. She's taking your calls on the Absolutely-Not-Line, and it seems like y'all are struggling to keep your shit together just like Heather. It's refreshing to know, that October is off to a hot mess and no one can fit in their jeans either. Right now, you can get $20 off your first purchase at rothys.com/ABSOLUTELY Right now, when you go to thepillclub.com/ABSOLUTELY The Pill Club is offering a $10 donation to Bedsider.org for every Absolutely Not listener who becomes a patient. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather is in the Mile High City, or as she now calls it The High City. We are talking mom weed, IBS, depressed flowers and Heather's rude awakening returning to the US after her Italian adventure. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Get free shipping on all water and merch at liquiddeath.com/absolutely. Or grab some at Whole Foods or 7-Eleven. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this Special bonus Episode of Absolutely Not, Heather is once again recording from Italy before heading to the Mile-High City (Denver) to continue her tour. Not all is as it seems in idyllic Repubblica Italiana as Heather copes with being bamboozled with overpriced laundry and glass sculptures. Jeff joins in to justify the need to photograph everything and his observations on Italy’s rich culture. See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Go to Tradesy.com to get $100 off your first purchase of $500 or more with code ABSOLUTELY If you need a little support to help you through the end of the year, or want to start building towards a better upcoming year, Talkspace is here to help. Match with a licensed therapist when you go to talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code ABSOLUTELY. I’ve got you 20% off your order and free shipping in the US. Just head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout. So, go on--get comfortable, and get it for less at Brooklinen. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not podcast, Heather is recording from her hotel in Venice,Italy. She has already spent too much money and is waiting for the hotel to kick her out once they realize she cannot actually afford this lifestyle. Jeff and Heather discuss the rose and thorn of their trip thus far and hopefully their marriage makes it to the next stop, Firenze. This episode was brought to you by Venus for Pubic Hair and Skin. Check out gillettevenus.com to learn more about why these products have been flying off shelves everywhere. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather has come unhinged with the bullshit. Between Jeff's sweaty ass and everyone giving their opinion on everything, MUST BE REAL NICE SHERYL, to blow up your own facebook with insanity. She's hitting the Absolutely Not line and its very clear y'all are rolling into fall on the hot mess express. Get more time back to *do you* and take care of yourself this summer! Go to DAILYHARVEST.com and enter code absolutely to get up to forty dollars off your first box! Prose is the healthy hair regimen with your name all over it. Take your FREE in-depth hair consultation and get 15% off your first order today! Go to Prose.com/absolutely. Birch is giving 200 dollars off ALL mattresses and 2 free eco-rest pillows at BirchLiving.com/absolutely Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual. See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode Heather breaks down her trip to Vegas, how she survived but wishes she had a scooter the whole time. She's taking your calls from the Hotline and giving you a hot safety tip reminder! Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely Get 10% off for first time users in when you shop at versedskin.com with promo code ABSOLUTELY To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to VIZZYHARDSELTZER.COM/ABSOLUTELY. See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather is joined by Ashley Hesseltine and Rayna Greenberg, hosts of the Girls Gotta Eat Podcast to chat all things tour life, unruly fans and wild college memories. Buckle in for this one! Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual. I’ve got you 20% off your order and free shipping in the US. Just head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100 See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather is back in LA and she is hot and bothered - literally! In todays' episode Heather talks tour life, gives her best dating advice and stalks an LA masseuse (were looking at your Ruben). Buckle up for this wild ride! Go to Tradesy.com to get $100 off your first purchase of $500 or more with code ABSOLUTELY Get key nutrients–without the B.S. Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off during your first 3 months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY to start your Ritual today. Birch is giving 200 dollars off ALL mattresses and 2 free eco-rest pillows at BirchLiving.com/absolutely Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather has teamed up with Old Navy for this episode all about bod-equality and being your most "boss a$$ b*tch" self. She also gets into the perils of cat-fishing, why all Scottish men are hot and why women should really just lean the f*ck out. See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather gets down and dirty with her thoughts on the Alabama Sorority Rush craze and recounts her own experiences as a southern sorority girl! This episode is brought to you by Venus. Check out gillettevenus.com to learn more about why these products have been flying off shelves everywhere. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back on the road tearing it up one club at a time. She's in Arkansas and happier than a literal pig in shit to be telling jokes again. She's wrestling with a lil razorback aka all y'alls problems from the Hotline too! Shits getting wild, we got ladies suckin on bars of soap In Target! Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Go to CheapCaribbean.com/Absolutely-Not to get a great deal. We’ll see you on the beach. To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to VIZZYHARDSELTZER.COM/ABSOLUTELY Head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout for 20% off your order and free shipping in the US. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather answers the age-old questions of "How do I get back at my ex-fiance?", "Why is everyone an idiot?", "Is the world ending?" ya know, light hearted life advice and such. She hits the Absolutely Not Line while shamelessly plugging her comedy tour she is desperate for you to come to. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Go to Tradesy.com to get $100 off your first purchase of $500 or more with code ABSOLUTELY Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100 Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather hit the Absolutely Not line with all of your insane but very valid issues. It's apparent no one at the CDC knows what's going on and we apparently all need to freshen up on our Morris code, because a storm is -A-brewing! Go to CheapCaribbean.com/absolutely-not to get a great deal. We’ll see you on the beach. You can try OSEA risk-free for 30 days and get free shipping on orders over $50. They even send free samples with every order! And get 10% off your first order with my promo code ABSOLUTELY at OSEAmalibu.com. Your new nail life is here! Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Get Honey for FREE at JoinHoney.com/ABSOLUTELY. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather checks in on her buddy and apparent Warehouse Party-goer, Ray Padilla. He is a pillar of the "Leisure Gay" community and here to judge you. They discuss Strip clubs, ideal work environments and future goals. Go to dailyharvest.com and enter code absolutely to get up to forty dollars off your first box! I’ve got you 20% off your order and free shipping in the US. Just head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout. Match with a licensed therapist when you go to talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code ABSOLUTELY. To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to VIZZYHARDSELTZER.COM/ABSOLUTELY Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is day 1 on a cleanse in the words of Chris Farley "STARVING OVER HERE". She is hitting the hotline harder than ever before. It is always comforting to her to see that everyone else is doing as terrible as she is! Go to WithAgency.com/absolutelynot for a free 30-day trial, just pay $4.95 for shipping and handling! Go to CheapCaribbean.com/AbsolutelyNot to get a great deal. We’ll see you on the beach. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100 To start listening, simply download the Spotify app, sign up for FREE, and search for Armchair Expert. Produced by Dear Media See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather has been in her basement working on the tour and has her buddy Christopher Ketner trapped. They decided to jump into the voicemail hotline to see what you lil rascals have been up to. Just head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout for 20% off of your order. Get 10% off your first Versed order when you shop at versedskin.com with promo code ABSOLUTELY. Prose is the healthy hair regimen with your name all over it. Take your FREE in-depth hair consultation and get 15% off your first order today! Go to Prose.com/absolutely. Listen to Armchair Expert for free, now ONLY on Spotify. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather is fresh from her vacay in the Turks and has a PSA for anyone trying to be a friggin LESLIE out there. We literally don't have time for this shit. It's a Hot Girl's Summer and a few of y'all are coming in with an icy attitude. Heather hits the hotline and answers some of your questions and more. Match with a licensed therapist when you go to talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code ABSOLUTELY. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100 Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather sits down with her mother and artist extraordinaire, The Red Contemporary, to discuss work, dating, and general fabulosity. Diva Red is dishing out a healthy dose of not fucking around, per usual. Go to CheapCaribbean.com/AbsolutelyNot to get a great deal. We’ll see you on the beach. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely You can try OSEA risk-free for 30 days and get free shipping on orders over $50. They even send free samples with every order! And get 10% off your first order with my promo code ABSOLUTELY at OSEAmalibu.com. To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to vizzyhardseltzer.com/ABSOLUTELY. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of Absolutely Not, Heather gets a lil pep-in-her-step after realizing she might in-fact qualify for the Olympics. After hitting the Voicemail hot line, she finds out someone got their vagina scratch by a house cat and lube is on lock-up at da Walmarts. That and more! Head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout for 20% off your order and free shipping in the US. Get 10% off for first time users when you shop at versedskin.com with promo code Absolutely Birch is giving 200 dollars off ALL mattresses and 2 free eco-rest pillows at BirchLiving.com/absolutely Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is sitting down with her attorney & sister, Ashley McMahan. They are catching up on the wild weekend's they both had. With sandy toes, full drinks and love in their hearts the girls hatch a plan to send their mother off for a sanity check so they can focus on their new shark tank idea. Get $20 off your fertility test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to vizzyhardseltzer.com/ABSOLUTELY. Go to WithAgency.com/absolutelynot for a free 30-day trial, just pay $4.95 for shipping and handling! Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the absolutely not podcast, Heather is literally coming out of the operating room and recording this whole podcast honestly, kinda high. No days off for this SHEMPIRE! lolzzz jk dont quote me. She is tackling your biggest absolutely not's yet, one voicemail at a time. Get started right away with no shipping required by going to StoryWorth.com/absolutely. You’ll get $10 off your first purchase! You can try OSEA risk-free for 30 days and get free shipping on orders over $50. They even send free samples with every order! And get 10% off your first order with my promo code ABSOLUTELY at OSEAmalibu.com. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100 Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is on a downward spiral from injecting hormones like a Kardashian getting a BBL. When she is inspired by a caller to get in touch with her Floridian roots it sparks joy in her heart and inspires her to quit everything and become a DJ in Fort Myers. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com. Make sure to use the code ABSOLUTELY to get $100 off of your first month and show your support for the show. Head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout for 20% off your order! Get Honey for FREE at JoinHoney.com/ABSOLUTELY Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not podcast, Heather is sweating through her linen short set, anxiously awaiting her second round of egg freezing & stresses AF about work. She is keeping herself chained to a radiator in the basement and needs someone to come bring her a self-care snack. Y'all don't seem to be doing much better by the sounds of these voicemails..... Get key nutrients–without the B.S. Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off during your first 3 months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY to start your Ritual today. Birch is giving 200 dollars off ALL mattresses and 2 free eco-rest pillows at BirchLiving.com/absolutely To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to vizzyhardseltzer.com/ABSOLUTELY. Must be 21+. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather recaps her girls weekend that felt like camp on a secret island. She has returned, sunburned, raspy and puffier than ever. Just as she is getting into the real meat of what happened this weekend, Chris Ketner jumps in the studio for an update on life in NYC and when is the tour happening.. and just wait, he's a vegan and wont shut up about it! Go to WithAgency.com/absolutelynot for a free 30-day trial, just pay $4.95 for shipping and handling! Go to Prose.com/absolutely for your FREE in-depth hair quiz and 15% off. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather has friend and fellow bitchy podcaster, Jackie Schimmel in the house, literally, she's at Robin's. She brought her intern, Jennifer Lopez with her, fresh off the A-rod breakup. Its a wild ride and not to be missed! Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is breaking down her medical blunders and asking y'all why the hell you're living with regret. We are Live Laugh Loving our way through the Absolutely not line, and man are these voicemails good! Get key nutrients–without the B.S. Ritual is offering listeners 10% off during your first 3 months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY to start your Ritual today. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com. Make sure to use the code ABSOLUTELY to get $100 off of your first month and show your support for the show. To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to vizzyhardseltzer.com/ABSOLUTELY Produced by Dear Media See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather updates you on her doozie of a medical issue and realizes that she isn't the "pillar of the fertility community" she thought she was. She is sweaty, hungry, pissed off and now more than ever just straight up confused. Go to GreenChef.com/90absolutely and use code 90absolutely to get $90 off including free shipping! Get Honey for FREE at JoinHoney.com/ABSOLUTELY Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100 Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the absolutely not podcast, Heather is talking about civilian chemistry and mixed signals from her stallion. She is spiraling from the human growth hormone and trying to understand why everyone is being the worst and why no one buys her more gifts? Right. Ok. cool. Get started today at StitchFix.com/absolutely and you’ll get 25% off when you keep everything in your Fix! Head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout for 20% off your order! Get your hands on some of GoMacro’s delicious MacroBars today by going to gomacro.com and using promo code absolutely for 30% off plus free shipping on all orders over $50! To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to vizzyhardseltzer.com/ABSOLUTELY. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode Heather breaks down one of her most embarrassing moments from this past weekend at the airport and explains why no one knows how to behave themselves. We're all wildly socially awkward and no one knows how to behave anymore. To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com/absolutely. Give your mom the most meaningful gift this Mother’s Day with StoryWorth. Get started right away with no shipping required by going to StoryWorth.com/absolutely. You’ll get $10 off your first purchase! Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather catches up with friend and OG podcast guest Raymond Padilla! They discuss Ray's recent move to New York (spoiler: its been a bumpy ride) and how he is living his "gay ass truth". Head over to WOO More Play and use code ABSOLUTELY for 20 percent OFF your order! Treat yourself to ultimate comfort with Brooklinen’s comforter collection. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $25 off, with a minimum purchase of $100! As a listener of this podcast, you’ll get $100 off of your first month with Talkspace. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com. Make sure to use the code ABSOLUTELY to get $100 off of your first month and show your support for the show. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not podcast, Heather claps back at herself bc the hormones are making her feel like a genetically modified chicken tender with a side of sassy dont-give-a-F#ck ranch. She takes your voicemails and realizes y'all are pretty much in the same boat. Love and Light! Head over to WOO More Play and use code ABSOLUTELY for 20 percent OFF your order. Head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout for 20% OFF your order Get started today at StitchFix.com/absolutely and you’ll get 25% off when you keep everything in your Fix! Get your hands on some of GoMacro’s delicious MacroBars today by going to gomacro.com and using promo code ​absolutely​ for 30% off plus free shipping on all orders over $50! Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather Breaks down her recent surprise in the Turks and all the trouble she stirred up in Charleston. There was leather, edibles, bootcut jeans and lots of questions. She also hits the hotline and tries to fix your problems one drunken message at a time. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. For a limited time, Spanx is offering Absolutely Not listeners 10% off their order on Spanx.com! To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to vizzyhardseltzer.com/ABSOLUTELY Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather chats with herself in a downward spiral about this dumbest shit ever, per usual. It's her birthday and she is reporting live from the Turks and Caicos. RIGHT BY THE BEACH BOIIII. She is full of gratitude and rosé and a slight flicker of positivity. Head over to WOO More Play and use code ABSOLUTELY for 20 percent off! Head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout for 20% off your order! Go to FunctionofBeauty.com/​absolutely​ to take your quiz and save 20% on your first order. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $25 off, with a minimum purchase of $100. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather's long time friend and fellow thespian extraordinaire, Tina T, is in town and the ladies are spilling the literal HIGH TEA on their weekend debauchery and breaking down the riveting Oprah interview. Heather is wildly concerned the Monarchy is coming for her so buckle up and get your beverages set! Go to DRINKOLIPOP.com/​ABSOLUTELY​ or use code ABSOLUTELY ​at checkout for 20% off PLUS free shipping! To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com or download the app. Make sure to use the code ABSOLUTELY to get $100 off of your first month and show your support for the show. Get started today at StitchFix.com/absolutely and you’ll get 25% off when you keep everything in your Fix! Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the absolutely not podcast Heather is stepping in her pisces self-loathing season and realizing her physical well being is important but also almost impossible to keep up with. Her pants are tight, her skin is dry and vagina is gaping. Lots of Voicemails and self-indulgent things to discuss! Receive 25% off ​your entire first purchase of Super Coffee. To claim this deal go to DRINKSUPERCOFFEE.com/​ABSOLUTELY​ or use code ​ABSOLUTELY ​at checkout. Treat yourself to ultimate comfort with Brooklinen’s comforter collection. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $25 off, with a minimum purchase of $100. Upgrade your hard seltzer to Vizzy. To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to vizzyhardseltzer.com/ABSOLUTELY. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather checks in on her friends down in the hill country and has some major Absolutely Nots. She isn’t fucking around with weather shaming, COVID shaming or grandma shaming. ITS ENOUGH. She's also getting back into the swing of things, quite literally, playing Golf again and thrilled she made some new friends on the links. That and more! Head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout for 20% off your order. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely Go check out Usual Wines at www.usualwines.com - use my discount code “ABSOLUTELY” for $8 off your first order and try your first glass on us! Get key nutrients–without the B.S. Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off during your first 3 months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY to start your Ritual today. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.