Absolutely Not

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather chats with her genuine friend, Jackie Schimmel. They discuss their summer plans to move to Europe, Eat all the food, lay horizontal and release their aggression on innocent bystanders through shoving and pushing tourists. It's unhinged, it's dialed in and it's insane. Head to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Go to Brooklinen.com today and use promo code [absolutelynot] to get $20 off your purchase of $100 or more plus free shipping. Go to Grove.com/ABSOLUTELY today to get a free gift set worth up to fifty dollars with your first order plus free shipping. Visit seed.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code [ABSOLUTELY] to redeem 20% off your first month of Seed's DS-01™ Daily Synbiotic. To grab your two pills a day, head to moonjuice.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off. Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather has had a fully mental breakdown from the complete shitshow that has been her wedding prep. She has finally turned into one of THOSE brides and is about to hoard the wedding gifts and tell everyone to fuck off. Honestly- she's probably spending too much time in her sauna bag and its quickly kiling off her brain cells- but who is even paying attention anymore. She hit the Absolutely Not line- She's unglued, unhinged and unwell! Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D and 5 FREE travel packs with your fist purchase at AthleticGreens.com/absolutely Exclusive discount (they never do this) - 20% off and free shipping with code ABSOLUTELY at www.EatDeux.com Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather hits the hotline- only to double down on the fact that women might be the REAL scammers. We've got a lady running an ER out of her garage, A time traveler, a handful of bad drivers and a sweet woman named Abby prepping for a colonoscopy- All that and more! Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Match with your dedicated therapist today at talkspace.com, and use promo code absolutely during sign-up to get $100 off your first month. Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months at ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY. Article is offering our listeners $50 off their first purchase of $100 or more at article.com/ABSOLUTELY Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back from her final farewell tour performance. Just when she thought it was time to get an IV drip of propofol for her medically induced coma, her friends throw her a surprise party filled with drag queens, secrets and snacks! Heather breaks down what a wild week its been and also hits the Absolutely Not Line and more! Go to athleticgreens.com/absolutely for a FREE 1 year supply of immune supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase. Follow Ashland on Instagram @ashlandhardseltzer Go to goodr.com/absolutely and get 15% off when you use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout. Head to moonjuice.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off. Go to grove.com/ABSOLUTELY today to get a free gift set worth up to fifty dollars with your first order. Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely not podcast, Heather is letting you know, School is out for summer and bitch we are fully booked! It doesn't matter if you are hustlin' as a lifeguard, taking the kids to camp or treating yourself to a hoagie by the highway, Summer 2023 bout to be on and poppin! Visit Brooklinen.com and use Promo code [absolutelynot] for $20 off your purchase of $100 Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/absolutely Follow Ashland on Instagram @ashlandhardseltzer Right now, for a limited time, you can save $10 on your first purchase when you go to StoryWorth.com/absolutely Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather takes you down memory lane and drives you right into the "Core MeMories" of your childhood- from the sheer joy you'd feel on a field trip day, to the sadness you felt if your mom was late to chaperone- It's a whirlwind of emotion and its all flooding back after hitting the Absolutely Not Line. Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Receive 20% off PLUS Free Shipping on your order at DRINKOLIPOP.com/ABSOLUTELY Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today. Visit seed.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code [ABSOLUTELY] to redeem 20% off your first month of Seed's DS-01™ Daily Synbiotic. Go to DailyHarvest.com/absolutely to get up to forty dollars off your first box! That Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back south of the border from her weekend of shows in Toronto. After getting held up at the border, listening to a threesome all night and crushing an international Nordstrom- she lives to tell about it- We also have a surprise appearance from Robin McMahan to spill the tea on the latest suburbian drama! Get 5% off + a free Pique sampler pack (with 6 of their best-selling flavors) when you purchase 2+ cartons with code ABSOLUTELY at piquelife.com/absolutely Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at athleticgreens.com/absolutely Ashland is gluten free, malt free, zero carbs, sugar free, no fat, and 100 calories. For more follow them on instagram at @ashlandhardseltzer To grab your two pills a day, head to moonjuice.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off. Produced by Dear Media See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast - Heather is back in the LA studios fresh from a midwest weekend on tour. She's working, but apparently not enough to save her from being humbled in a burger joint by general manager who takes his job REAL serious. Head to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Match with your dedicated therapist today at talkspace.com, and use promo code absolutely during sign-up to get $100 off your first month. Get $20 off your fertility test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months at ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY. Get free shipping on all water and merch at LiquidDeath.com/ABSOLUTELY. Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather is back from a 3-day bender on the West coast. She saw a mormon trying to escape in Salt Lake, a man with a neck tat cry in Phoenix and a drive-by in Sacramento. Three amazing shows but spilling all the tea, with Tina T. Visit Brooklinen.com and use Promo code [absolutelynot] for $20 off your purchase of $100 Go to DRINKOLIPOP.com/ABSOLUTELY or use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping. Visit athleticgreens.com/absolutely for a free one year supply and five free travel packs with your first purchase. Use code HEATHER at checkout for 25% off your first month or diagnostic test at allarahealth.com Go to Grove.com/ABSOLUTELY today to get a free gift set worth up to fifty dollars with your first order. Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is celebrating the Rising of the lord, with some street safety tips and life advice. She is so full of knowledge and shit at the same time it's alarming. She hits the Absolutely-NOT-Line to solve some of y'alls problems and realizes you all need a lot more than Jesus. Check out Squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Get a FREE 1 year s pply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/absolutely. Go to Framebridge.com and use promo code ABSOLUTELY to save an additional 15% off your first order. Use code HEATHER at checkout for 25% off your first month or diagnostic test at AllaraHealth.com/heather Upgrade your bra today and get 20% off your first order today at ThirdLove.com/absolutely Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather has on her man of honor, Raymond Padilla, and they give you a play by play of how they scammed their way into the Masters this weekend. There were a lot of chicken salad sandwiches and white wine to be had, but most importantly they learned about themselves. Get 5% off + a free Pique sampler pack (with 6 of their best-selling flavors) when you purchase 2+ cartons at PiqueLife.com/absolutely with code ABSOLUTELY. Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Go to ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the page, and type in ABSOLUTELY to get a 60-day free trial. Visit Seed.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code [ABSOLUTELY] to redeem 20% off your first month of Seed’s Daily Synbiotic. Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this roller coaster of an episode of the Absolutely Not podcast, Heather is back in the LA studios. She talks about her wedding woes, nightmares and THAT guy at the gym - then hits the hotline to save the world, one problem at time. Head to Squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com and use the code absolutely to get $100 off of your first Visit Ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY for 10% off your first three months. For a limited time, Absolutely Not listeners can get an exclusive 15% off your pair of CARIUMA sneakers at cariuma.com/ABSOLUTELY Go to allarahealth.com/heather and use code HEATHER at checkout for 25% off your first month or diagnostic test. Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back from the Boca Yacht Club and has decided she needs to be on the intercoastal with Annie Hathaway & some old dude from New Jersey. She spent a weekend on Spring Break, not by choice. She also hits the hotline and answers life's dumbest questions. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelysnot for $20 off your purchase of $100 or more. Go to CARIUMA.com/ABSOLUTELY to get 15% off your pair of CARIUMA sneakers. Less money, less worries, MORE beach when you book at CheapCaribbean.com Receive 20% off PLUS free shipping on your first order at DRINKOLIPOP.COM/ABSOLUTELY or use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout. Use code HEATHER at checkout for 25% off your first month or diagnostic test. Visit www.AllaraHealth.com/heather for more information. Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back from a magical midwest weekend. She had a tour stop in Tulsa and Omaha and in between had one of the creepiest Airline lounge experiences of her life. But in true McMahan fashion, Heather slays the Absolutely Nots while keeping it somehow glass half full. Head to Squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Less money, less worries, MORE beach when you book at CheapCaribbean.com Get $20 off your fertility test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Go to DailyHarvest.com/absolutely to get up to $40 off your first box. Go to Nuuly.com and enter the code ABSOLUTELY20 and sign up to get $20 off your first month.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast - Heather is so selfless she does ACTUAL work on her birthday to give you the full scoop on her Parisian travels from the weekend. What a wild, dairy-fueled ride that was. She gives you a list of what she wants for her birthday so you can plan accordingly and explains that if a grown man drinks an apple juice next to you on a flight - Watch out! Limited Time Offer: Get 5% off + a free Pique sampler pack (with 6 of their best-selling flavors) when you purchase 2 + cartons with code ABSOLUTELY on PiqueLife.com/absolutely For a limited time, Absolutely Not listeners can get an exclusive 15% off your pair of CARIUMA sneakers at Cariuma.com/absolutely Get 20% off your first order by visiting www.ForiaWellness.com/ABSOLUTELY OR use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout. Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today. Go to ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the page, and type in ABSOLUTELY to get a 60-day free trial. Right now you can get $20 off your first month of Nuuly when you sign up with the code ABSOLUTELY20 Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not podcast - Heather is on a real tear on International Women's Day. After a great weekend in Albany slinging jokes, she's back with attitude and some health advice - sort of. Heather hits the Absolutely-Not-Line and tries to fix your wildest problems. Head to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Right now, you can get 20% off your first order when you go to blueland.com/absolutely Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual. Go to catalinacrunch.com/ABSOLUTELY for 15% off your first order—plus FREE shipping. Nuuly is already a great value at $88 a month for any 6 styles, but right now you can get $20 off your first month at Nuuly.com when you sign up with the code ABSOLUTELY20. Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather tries her best to understand what the absolute fuck is going on- but it's pretty much all a big Absolutely NOT. She hits the hotline to see if y'alls problems are any better.. news flash- they aren't. We've got peeping toms, angry tennis coaches and ex's who won't leave us alone! Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to Modern Fertility dot com slash absolutely. Match with a licensed therapist when you go to talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code ABSOLUTELY. Upgrade your bra today and get 20% off your first order today at ThirdLove.com/absolutley Less money, less worries, MORE beach. Book today at CheapCaribbean.com. Produced by Dear Media See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather sits down with Harvey Guillen to talk about the struggles of working in the industry and their hilarious Bone, Marry, Bury picks. Make sure to check Bone, Marry, Bury anywhere you can find podcasts. Head to Squarespace.com/ABSONOT for a free trial when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code ABSONOT to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Don’t sleep on savings. Brooklinen’s Presidents’ Day Sale is happening now. Listening after the sale? Get the deals of your dreams at Brooklinen.com with promo code absolutelynot You can grow thicker, healthier hair AND support our show by going to Nutrafol.com and entering the promo code ABSOLUTELY to save FIFTEEN DOLLARS OFF your first month’s subscription -- this is their best offer ANYWHERE and it is only available to US customers for a limited time. Daily Harvest makes it easy to feel good about what I’m doing for myself and the planet. Go to DailyHarvest.com/absolutely to get up to forty dollars off your first box! Right now, Embark has a limited time offer on their Breed and Health Kit and Purebred Kit for our listeners! Go to EmbarkVet.com to get free shipping and save $50 with promo code [ABSOLUTELY]. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather is back in the studio and joined by the Georgia Law Lady herself, Ashley McMahan. And as usual when these two get together, hilarity ensues. Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual. Foria is offering a special deal for our listeners. Get 20% off your first order by visiting www.foriawellness.com/ABSOLUTELY OR use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout. Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Less money, less worries, MORE beach when you book at CheapCaribbean.com Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather is joined by fellow comedian Ali Kolbert to talk all things comedy, and the real tea about being a woman in the industry. Prepare for many laughs ahead! Check out The Ali Kolbert Show anywhere you get your podcasts to hear more from Ali. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Go to catalinacrunch.com/ABSOLUTELY for 15% off your first order— plus FREE shipping! Right now, you can get 20% off your first order when you go to Blueland.com/absolutely. Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather is back in the studio in LA and more unhinged than ever! Today we are discussing the role Heather was meant to play, why people who wear glasses are really just liars, and reminiscing on stories from the tour. Buckle your seatbelts folks and dont forget - your'e lying to yourself if you dont think you need therapy. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot for $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100. Visit Talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month when you use promo code absolutely at sign up. To make it easy, Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase. All you have to do is visit athleticgreens.com/absolutely. What are you waiting for? Join the Movement and get 20% off your first 4 orders when you go to imperfectfoods.com and use promo code ABSOLUTELY. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather is back in California drinking Wine with the Kardashians. Fresh off a 3 show run in Dallas- She breaks down the funniest shit that happened in the Lone Star state and explains why every nail salon owner wears slippery Nikes. Did you also know Texas dip their chips in butter? You can grow thicker, healthier hair AND support our show by going to Nutrafol.com and entering the promo code ABSOLUTELY to save FIFTEEN DOLLARS OFF your first month’s subscription -- this is their best offer ANYWHERE and it is only available to US customers for a limited time. Go to DAILYHARVEST.com/absolutely to get up to forty dollars off your first box! FORIA is offering a special deal for our listeners. Get 20% off your first order by visiting foriawellness.com/ABSOLUTELY OR use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout. Less money, less worries, MORE beach. Book today at CheapCaribbean.com. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not podcast Heather raises some mild suspicions that an older generation of first class passengers have it in for her. She can't tell if they are trying to intimidate her back to coach or if she is really in the wrong. Fresh off a wonderful weekend touring she's hitting the hotline with all of your issues! G to Squarespace.com/absonot for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code ABSONOT to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase. All you have to do is visit athleticgreens.com/absolutely. Right now, you can get 20% off your first order when you go to Blueland.com/absolutely. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather interviews her dear friend Jorge Collazo, about his years in the hotel biz and what it's like to date on a tiny island. Ever wondered what Grindr in the Caribbean has to offer? Don't you worry- Jorge has done the work for you! There's lots of giggles and some endearing reminders to put your feet in the sand and not take life so seriously! Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual. Go to Framebridge.com and use promo code ABSOLUTELY to save an additional 15% off your first order. Less money, less worries, MORE beach. Book today at CheapCaribbean.com. Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the absolutely not podcast Heather is back from a tryst with Santa and hopped up on supplements & a hope and a prayer. Everyone is panicked about the dumpster fire of the beginning of this year- but here we are holding on for dear life, full of acid reflux and optimism, damnitt! Go to Squarespace.com/ABSONOT for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code ABSONOT to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Refresh your rest with the comfort essentials from Brooklinen. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot for $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100. Visit talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month when you use promo code absolutely at sign up. What are you waiting for? Join the Movement and get 20% off your first 4 orders when you go to IMPERFECTFOODS.COM and use promo code ABSOLUTELY. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this final episode of the Absolutely Not podcast of 2021- Heather ends the year strong- on an emotional rollercoaster of barely holding her shit together. It's obvious all of the listeners are fully spiraling as well - like the High School Musical says "were all in this together". Whether you're fighting omicron or just fighting with your family, Heather takes to the Absolutely NOT line to set the record straight! Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Go to getcanopy.co today and use code ABSOLUTELY10 for an extra 10% off at checkout. Your skin will thank you! Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It's the end of the year and Heather is filled with all the warm fuzzies! Tune in for her year in review - she's talking gratitude and getting real about coping with the pressure of the industry. Plus, were chatting poultry, UHauls and parental dating on the Absolutely Not Line! Win the gift game this season with Rothy’s shoes and accessories. Get $20 off your first purchase at rothys.com/ABSOLUTELY with extended returns and exchanges through the holidays. Get $20 off your fertility test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Get $10 off your first product order of $50 or more on italic.com with code ABSOLUTELYNOT. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather is answering all of your questions on the Absolutely Not line and noticing a common theme- That white trash scammer named Trish. Turns out she is bugging everyone this year with her antics while she smokes menthols outside of the Buick enclave. She's a scammer, a lover and loves raw meat. You'll understand when you take a listen... Head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY25 and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY25” at checkout for 25% off your order and free shipping in the US. We’ve worked out a special deal for my listeners. Receive 20% off PLUS Free Shipping SITE WIDE. I recommend trying one of their best selling variety packs, it’s a great way to try all of their delicious flavors. Go to JUNESHINE.com/ABSOLUTELY or use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout to claim this deal. Match with a licensed therapist when you go to talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code ABSOLUTELY. Don’t miss out, Brooklinen’s biggest sale of the year is here! Listening after the sale? You can still save. Visit Brooklinen.com and use Promo code absolutelynot for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

In this special bonus episode, Robin joins Heather to discuss her goals for 2022 and why she should be running a youth detention center. On the voicemails we are talking bad wedding guests, kissin' cousins and unfortunate tattoos. The holidays are upon us and the Absolutely Not's are more unhinged than ever! Go to getcanopy.co to save $25 on your Canopy Humidifier purchase today when you opt into a replacement filter subscription. You’ll receive a replacement filter every 6 weeks (right when it’s time for a new one) PLUS, you’ll receive a free aroma kit to be used with Canopy Humidifier’s built-in aroma diffuser. Go to athleticgreens.com/absolutely for a fee 1 year supply of immune supporting Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs with your first purchase. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is fresh from her tour of the Florida and Carolina coasts. It was a wild weekend of live, laugh, lovin. Heather remembers growing up as an organic kid looking for their chemical fix. There are lots of trigger warnings in this episode from the sweaty kid in PE to a bitch not letting you drink red wine at her wedding. Buckle up and don't listen if you're easily offended. Get 20% off your first order by visiting foriawellness.com/ABSOLUTELY OR use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout. Head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY25 and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY25” at checkout for 25% off your order Go to Thepillclub.com/ABSOLUTELY, to get your first birth control care package and donate to help more women in need of affordable birth control. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, we're having a post-thanksgiving bitch fest because everyone has been forced into unwanted family-time and now we're all chain-smoking near the garage. IT'S A MESS. It's time to reboot bitches, and take some time for yourself-because if we don't, we won't make it out of the holiday's alive! Get $10 off your first product order of $50 or more on italic.com with code ABSOLUTELYNOT. With StoryWorth I am giving those I love most a thoughtful, personal gift from the heart and preserving their memories and stories for years to come. Go to StoryWorth.com/absolutely and save $10 on your first purchase! Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather interviews her favorite, Bad bitch, female chef, Soraya Khoury- owner of Hen Mother Cookhouse in ATL. Did you know that fixing your dry ass bullshit turkey is as simple as slathering that bitch with clarified butter? Chef Soraya has all the tips and tricks to make your holiday perfect while also fighting the patriarchy! I’ve got you a special 30% off your order and free shipping in the US for BLACK FRIDAY. Just head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY30 and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY30” at checkout. Visit Brooklinen.com and use Promo code absolutelynot for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Get free shipping on all water and merch at LiquidDeath.com/ABSOLUTELY. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather is fresh off of having her labia, ahem, I mean larynx investigated and things are rough. She is joined today by good friend and road dog Christina Tompkins to chat all things tour, positive heckling, farty cowboys, and the power of Google. After all the computer knows more than you ever will. Match with a licensed therapist when you go to talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code ABSOLUTELY. Take your FREE in-depth hair consultation and get 15% off your first order today! Go to Prose.com/absolutely. Birch is giving 400 dollars off ALL mattresses and 2 free eco-rest pillows at BirchLiving.com/absolutely That’s thepillclub.com/absolutely, to get your first birth control care package and donate to help more women in need of affordable birth control. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather sits down with her mother, Judge Judy, to discuss her toddler-like behavior on the road this weekend. She showed up ready to party and inevitably steal the show. They discuss Robin's old blind-dates, a chocolate factory and how men never change, for example getting boners on the dance floor! So much family fun and more! Get 20% off your first order by visiting foriawellness.com/ABSOLUTELY or use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Go to JUNESHINE.com/ABSOLUTELY or use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this week's episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather is triggered by a woman named Margret who wouldn't let her have her hometown sportz moment in peace. Her husband doesnt know what a thermometer is and she was shaken like Italian dressing at the Braves game and is really raging on memories from the past. She hits the hotline and clearly y'all were goin through some shit this weekend too. Visit Brooklinen.com and use Promo code absolutelynot for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100 Right now, you can get $20 off your first purchase at rothys.com/ABSOLUTELY Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual. Get $10 off your first product order of $50 or more on italic.com with code ABSOLUTELYNOT. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather is fresh off her weekend in Ohio where she had a genital injury but things are turning around now that she is reunited with her BFF, Raymond Padilla. He’s a pillar of every community but also a full liability. They discuss “tying one on” and squirting through life. Foria is offering our listeners 20% off your first order by visiting foriawellness.com/Absolutely or use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout! I’ve got you 20% off your order and free shipping in the US. Just head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Get free shipping on all water and merch at LiquidDeath.com/ABSOLUTELY or grab some at Whole Foods, Sprouts, and 7-Eleven. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not podcast, Heather is fresh off an amazing weekend of touring and is jazzed with the spirit of the Lord, We rebuke any evil in the name of Jesus... and ALSO answer your horrific voicemails on the Absolutely Not line. If you need a little support to help you through the end of the year, or want to start building towards a better upcoming year, Talkspace is here to help. Match with a licensed therapist when you go to talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code ABSOLUTELY. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely Canopy has a special offer for Absolutely Not listeners! Go to GetCanopy.co code ABSOLUTELY10 at checkout to save an additional 10% off your Canopy purchase. See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather finally gets her mother to sit down and give her 10 minutes of time. Robin has an extensive pro's and cons list of dating must-haves, and good luck to anyone at all that can live up to her list of demands. Naturally the conversation is as ADHD as the kid named Terry in your first grade class, but here we are folks. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100 See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual. That’s 10% off at ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is jolted back into her Suburban life with paying bills and dealing with Diva Red. Nothing more humbling than coming home to your mother screaming about parking prices. She's taking your calls on the Absolutely-Not-Line, and it seems like y'all are struggling to keep your shit together just like Heather. It's refreshing to know, that October is off to a hot mess and no one can fit in their jeans either. Right now, you can get $20 off your first purchase at rothys.com/ABSOLUTELY Right now, when you go to thepillclub.com/ABSOLUTELY The Pill Club is offering a $10 donation to Bedsider.org for every Absolutely Not listener who becomes a patient. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather is in the Mile High City, or as she now calls it The High City. We are talking mom weed, IBS, depressed flowers and Heather's rude awakening returning to the US after her Italian adventure. Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Get free shipping on all water and merch at liquiddeath.com/absolutely. Or grab some at Whole Foods or 7-Eleven. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this Special bonus Episode of Absolutely Not, Heather is once again recording from Italy before heading to the Mile-High City (Denver) to continue her tour. Not all is as it seems in idyllic Repubblica Italiana as Heather copes with being bamboozled with overpriced laundry and glass sculptures. Jeff joins in to justify the need to photograph everything and his observations on Italy’s rich culture. See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Go to Tradesy.com to get $100 off your first purchase of $500 or more with code ABSOLUTELY If you need a little support to help you through the end of the year, or want to start building towards a better upcoming year, Talkspace is here to help. Match with a licensed therapist when you go to talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code ABSOLUTELY. I’ve got you 20% off your order and free shipping in the US. Just head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout. So, go on--get comfortable, and get it for less at Brooklinen. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not podcast, Heather is recording from her hotel in Venice,Italy. She has already spent too much money and is waiting for the hotel to kick her out once they realize she cannot actually afford this lifestyle. Jeff and Heather discuss the rose and thorn of their trip thus far and hopefully their marriage makes it to the next stop, Firenze. This episode was brought to you by Venus for Pubic Hair and Skin. Check out gillettevenus.com to learn more about why these products have been flying off shelves everywhere. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather has come unhinged with the bullshit. Between Jeff's sweaty ass and everyone giving their opinion on everything, MUST BE REAL NICE SHERYL, to blow up your own facebook with insanity. She's hitting the Absolutely Not line and its very clear y'all are rolling into fall on the hot mess express. Get more time back to *do you* and take care of yourself this summer! Go to DAILYHARVEST.com and enter code absolutely to get up to forty dollars off your first box! Prose is the healthy hair regimen with your name all over it. Take your FREE in-depth hair consultation and get 15% off your first order today! Go to Prose.com/absolutely. Birch is giving 200 dollars off ALL mattresses and 2 free eco-rest pillows at BirchLiving.com/absolutely Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual. See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode Heather breaks down her trip to Vegas, how she survived but wishes she had a scooter the whole time. She's taking your calls from the Hotline and giving you a hot safety tip reminder! Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely Get 10% off for first time users in when you shop at versedskin.com with promo code ABSOLUTELY To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to VIZZYHARDSELTZER.COM/ABSOLUTELY. See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather is joined by Ashley Hesseltine and Rayna Greenberg, hosts of the Girls Gotta Eat Podcast to chat all things tour life, unruly fans and wild college memories. Buckle in for this one! Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual. I’ve got you 20% off your order and free shipping in the US. Just head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100 See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather is back in LA and she is hot and bothered - literally! In todays' episode Heather talks tour life, gives her best dating advice and stalks an LA masseuse (were looking at your Ruben). Buckle up for this wild ride! Go to Tradesy.com to get $100 off your first purchase of $500 or more with code ABSOLUTELY Get key nutrients–without the B.S. Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off during your first 3 months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY to start your Ritual today. Birch is giving 200 dollars off ALL mattresses and 2 free eco-rest pillows at BirchLiving.com/absolutely Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather has teamed up with Old Navy for this episode all about bod-equality and being your most "boss a$$ b*tch" self. She also gets into the perils of cat-fishing, why all Scottish men are hot and why women should really just lean the f*ck out. See Oldnavy.com/bodequality for additional details. Styles subject to availability. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heather gets down and dirty with her thoughts on the Alabama Sorority Rush craze and recounts her own experiences as a southern sorority girl! This episode is brought to you by Venus. Check out gillettevenus.com to learn more about why these products have been flying off shelves everywhere. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back on the road tearing it up one club at a time. She's in Arkansas and happier than a literal pig in shit to be telling jokes again. She's wrestling with a lil razorback aka all y'alls problems from the Hotline too! Shits getting wild, we got ladies suckin on bars of soap In Target! Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely. Go to CheapCaribbean.com/Absolutely-Not to get a great deal. We’ll see you on the beach. To find out where you can purchase Vizzy go to VIZZYHARDSELTZER.COM/ABSOLUTELY Head over to NoDaysWasted.CO/ABSOLUTELY and use promo code "ABSOLUTELY” at checkout for 20% off your order and free shipping in the US. Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather answers the age-old questions of "How do I get back at my ex-fiance?", "Why is everyone an idiot?", "Is the world ending?" ya know, light hearted life advice and such. She hits the Absolutely Not Line while shamelessly plugging her comedy tour she is desperate for you to come to. Get 20% off your first mani system when you use promo code ABSOLUTELY at oliveandjune.com Go to Tradesy.com to get $100 off your first purchase of $500 or more with code ABSOLUTELY Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100 Produced by Dear Media. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.