372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

Mike and Conor try to make sense of this madness. They come up empty. Still, there are highlights: Conor does a sonic challenge sexily. Mike manages not to follow a single plot point. The Dumb Sentences of the Week burst forth like milk and honey from the promised land. (Dumb despite the great work from … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-80-abra-kedabra11-we-shooted" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 80 – ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!11” We shooted"</span></a></p>

Conor is able to somehow follow the plot of My Immortal! A power that comes in handy when having to explain it to Mike who views it as somewhat more abstruse than the Voynich manuscript. A packed if mercifully briefer episode than last time we steal mail (including some amazing mash-ups by our listeners), Mike … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-79-conor-unveils-his-superpower" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 79 – Conor Unveils His Superpower"</span></a></p>

The artists/works to which we compare this 2006 fanfic include: Shakespeare, several times Dickens Sir Arthur Conan Doyle The Bible Thelonius Monk And more! Conor unveils his Cockney <?> accent, and it is QUITE something. Also, we open with an audio recording of one of the first meetings between Mike and Conor and it turns … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-78-my-immortal" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 78 – My Immortal"</span></a></p>

We’re doing a new book, and if you listen to this, you can learn what it is! Just don’t email about the giveaway, the winners have already been announced on Patreon. Here is the free ebook and here is a link to the amazon version.

The Irishman is envious of the length of this podcast. But there was so much to talk about! While Susan sits dazed, stupefied, sooty, unsure of where she is, what she’s doing, how math works, and whether or not she’ll ever get to Stone Manor, the revolting men around her solve the problems posed by … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-77-man-silhouette-legend" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 77 – Man. Silhouette. LEGEND."</span></a></p>

The Brownisms are coming fast and furious now, like chapters in a Dan Brown book! Conor does Real or Fanfic, we Steal People’s Mail, there are Dumb Sentences galore and Mike discovers the original ending of The Fugitive! And we meet a ninety-pound live wire! Join us on Patreon to get every episode early, plus … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/ep-76-the-sad-end-of-rafael-de-la-maza" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Ep 76 – The Sad End of Rafael de la Maza"</span></a></p>

Looking for good writing in a Dan Brown book is a lot like looking for a sock in a bedroom the size of Texas while sewage spews forth out of a crystal decanter. And this section of DIGITAL FORTRESS is no exception. As the book theoretically reaches the stage where it will have a point, … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-75-cuz-my-beeper-kept-beepin" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 75 – Cuz My Beeper Kept Beepin’"</span></a></p>

Victor Hugo just texted Dan Brown, “Dude, back it down on the chapters, man! It’s not a contest.” Tolstoy throws in a, “Yeah, cut it out, man.” Yes, the sparse words continue to spill out on the increasing number of pages of Dan Brown’s “Digital Fortress” so Conor and Mike can only counter it with … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-74-chapters-we-got-yer-chapters" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 74 – Chapters! We Got Yer Chapters!"</span></a></p>

This episode begins with the introduction of possibly the greatest character in the history of the podcast (apologies to Bleriana, Jack Star, and the Robot Pimp) Greg Hale. He enters like a bull, in all his ogling, olive oil swigging, convicted murderer glory. From there we’ll move on to international intrigue, tired stereotypes, Idiot Switch … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-73-enter-halite" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 73 – Enter Halite"</span></a></p>

Man, so much to talk about and so so much is talked about!!* Highlights: A withered naked old woman struggles with a bedpan. The smell of urine is in the air. Are the two things connected? You’ll have to listen to find out. All of our heroes (or are they heroes [SFX tension sting]?) chuckle … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/ep-72-bobby-digital-in-stereo" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Ep 72 – Bobby Digital in Stereo"</span></a></p>

A straightforward Dan Brown thriller, if by straightforward you mean vastly underpaid Georgetown professors sticking their heads into drinking fountains and forcing their strange dietary habits on unwitting squash partners. We also hear from some experts on language and cryptography (and general human behavior, for that matter) about the many many things Mr. Brown gets … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/ep-71-if-bizarre-foods-went-horny" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Ep 71 – If “Bizarre Foods” Went Horny"</span></a></p>

Alas, today we finish Moon People by Dale M. Courtney. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve eaten cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster and then gotten busy as hell afterwards. But there’s only one way to bring this saga to a close: run the thing into a ditch and hitchhike away from it when it’s still … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-70-potato-pudding-and-space-catalogs" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 70 – Potato Pudding and Space Catalogs"</span></a></p>

In the middle third of Moon People our hero David Braymer… does NOT go to the moon, or meet people from the moon. But fittingly for this number episode, he does get busy as hell! Following what must have been the most erotic Red Lobster dinner in all of recorded history, Cheral is consumed with … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-69-i-seen-all-good-people" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 69 – I Seen All Good People"</span></a></p>

Hey, there he is! The shadow has lifted from the moon, and from our souls, and MOON PEOPLE is the glorious result! There’s so much to discuss here, so pledge to yourselves and to God that you won’t tell anyone else about it and we’ll get started! There’s: -DMC’s never before seen method of writing … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-68-still-tippin-on-222s" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 68 – Still Tippin’ on 222s"</span></a></p>

Here it is, the 11th bad book we’re going to read together. It’s going to be way more enjoyable than Shadow Moon. This short announcement was part of a longer Patreon exclusive mailbag, our supporters have been reading the book for a week already. Lucky them! You can join the fun here: patreon.com/372pages Book 11 … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/book-11-announcement" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Book 11 Announcement"</span></a></p>

452 pages, 2 blood whips, and one StagLord later, we have finished SHADOW MOON by George Lucas and Chris Claremont. Much like Thorn/Willow, we are now very tired. Unlike our protagonist, we’ve been lying on the floor for three hours now (being tired) but it has not yet granted us permission to enter. There’s a … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-69-the-worse-book-weve-ever-read" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 67 – The Worst Book We’ve Ever Read"</span></a></p>

A shocking Very Special Episode! A first in the history of the podcast, possibly a first for any podcast! The smelly, repugnant, filth-caked, farm-animal-of-a-girl Elora is discussed at length which leads to not one BUT two shocking bathroom tales from Mike and Conor! (Can you get that from Conan’s podcast, I think not?!) All the … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-66-we-come-to-bury-burys" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 66 – We Come to Bury Burys"</span></a></p>

Happy new year everyone! A new decade has dawned and we are still reading Shadow Moon. In this segment, to the author’s credit, some stuff actually happens! Unfortunately what happens is that a nude otter-man crashes through the roof of a tavern and the sacred princess takes a dump. Fortunately, we’re able to gain more … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-65-pig-girl-wrecks-the-can" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 65 – Pig Girl Wrecks the Can"</span></a></p>

Mike and Conor have a pretty straightforward discussion about how Thorn née Willow formerly “the floor” kinda sorta transforms into The Demon / A Dragon / Some Stones / a Liquid Mass of His Own Melted Organs / Some Shards / A Mountain / a Swimmer / a Fish, etc., and in that state puffs … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-64-willow-loves-willow" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 64 – Willow Loves Willow"</span></a></p>

A jam-packed episode made all the more thrilling because Mike’s computer crashed twice while making it. Was it ensorcelled by a HardDriveHeron with CrashCharms? We may never know. What else? Pretty straightforward, nothing really stands out — Oh, wait: Willow becomes a floor. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory. If you enjoy the podcast, please consider … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-63-shadow-moon-episoude-the-fourth" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 63 – Shadow Moon: Episoude the Fourth"</span></a></p>

Gather round victuallers and chandlers, alike! Lacquer your fur down and join us as we dig further into the Thillow-verse. Can Mike get a soild D or D- in Real or Fanfic? How’s Thorn’s stand-up routine (the dark web knows)? Can Conor pronounce “magus” any better than “Ogden”? What’s the theoretical limit for a book’s … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-62-llamacorn-sez-well-coat-my-meat-in-peanut-sauce-its-a-new-ep" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 62 – Llamacorn sez, “Well coat my meat in peanut sauce, it’s a new ep!”"</span></a></p>

Ah, Shadow Moon… That’s a name we haven’t heard in a long time… Well, a week at least! Join us as we continue our deep dive into the Lucas/Claremont saga “Shadow Moon”. This section begins with a bunch of Death Dogs getting impaled, decapitated, and having various organs thrown into raging infernos. We’ll debate whether … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-61-dont-put-ketchup-on-your-death-dog" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 61 – Don’t Put Ketchup on your Death Dog"</span></a></p>

Step into the WillowVerse for our first discussion of George Lucas & Chris Claremont’s “SHADOW MOON”! Things get sexy right off the bat, and never let up (if you consider descriptions of hair that is one color but has streaks of another color in it to be sexy. We do.) We’ll meet some of our … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-60-this-podcast-is-now-named-thorn-drumheller" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 60 – This Podcast is now named Thorn Drumheller"</span></a></p>

Cline Cline Theis Shatlart Thrash Pappy James Harris Stoker… Who’s next? Listen and find out! (Hey! Patreon supporters have known about this book for a week already and have been snatching up the cheapest used copies! Join them for early access to every episode, bonus eps, videos, contests, and more! patreon.com/372pages )

Three hypnotizing attempts, two destroyed castles, and countless walnuts later, Lair of The White Worm comes to an end. Break out the medium-grade china and cream-jug, because this is one episode you won’t want to miss. The 372 Pages Improv Players will attempt to fill the void when the Dark Web comes up empty, and … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-58-china-worm-sunflower" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 58 – China Worm Sunflower"</span></a></p>

It’s our third episode discussing Bram Stoker’s “Lair of the White Worm”. If you like coherent horror stories, we apologize. But as a consolation, may we offer you dozens of sentences with upwards of seven commas in them? We get the best of what Bram has to offer here: conversations with old men in parlors, … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-57-well-hung-doors" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 57 – Well Hung Doors"</span></a></p>

To say that LOTWW took an unexpected turn in this section would be a slap in the face to unexpected turns. While it appeared to be inching (worm pun) its way toward an exploration of the enormous holes that TOTALLY PROVE the existence of giant worms, most of the second quarter of the book is … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-56-for-the-benefit-of-evil-bird-kite" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 56 – For the Benefit of Evil Bird Kite"</span></a></p>

Bram, (or is it pronounced Bram) Stoker’s Dracula followup The Lair of the White Worm, is not very good. But there’s a lot to discuss! Adam Salton has willingly traveled halfway across the world to live with his elderly Grand-Uncle, which is frankly a clue that we’re not in for a relatable experience. But we … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-55-a-very-special-mongoose" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 55 – A Very Special Mongoose"</span></a></p>

We’re on our ninth book! We now have enough bad books to field a baseball team or form our own personal Wu-Tang Clan of crappy literature. No reason to delay any further, hit play to find out what we’re reading next, and then come see us at our September 18th live show in Minneapolis! Oh, … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-54-book-9" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 54 – Book 9"</span></a></p>

We finally finish Charles E. Harris aka The Horny Grandpa’s saga Trucking Through Time. Tension is high as we finally will get an answer to our big question: will the author handle things sloppily or hamfistedly?? There’s a big military standoff, sexy-time both across the river and in the breakdown lane of an interstate, and … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-53-seven-days-of-mystery-drama-excitement-compassion-horror-and-romance" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 53 – Seven Days of Mystery, Drama, Excitement, Compassion, Horror, and Romance"</span></a></p>

We’ve got a jam-packed penultimate Trucking Through Time episode! Curvy wives! Horny grandpas! Easily accessible caches of cowboy hats! A surprising amount of discussion about James A. Garfield assassin Charles Guiteau. And a reminder to wash any pre-owned buckskins you buy at the thrift store! With only fifty pages left in Trucking Through Time, we … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-52-hold-onto-your-buckskins" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 52 – Hold Onto Your Buckskins"</span></a></p>

In between the General reading reports, Trucking Through Time manages to fit in some genuinely insane moments. Our heroes literally get to meet God, and it’s the second craziest thing that happens. (The first is our favorite moment in all of literature.) We’ll listen in on some surreptitious recordings made by Harris’ family, examine the … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-51-grandpa-no" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 51 – Grandpa, No!"</span></a></p>

It’s our 50th episode! And to celebrate, Trucking Through Time gets a little…. sexy! If you thought groins were stirring and tightening in the mister, just wait til you see the effect Light Feather has on Chad! (He’s not going to need his last name, if you know what we mean…) Our occasional department of … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-50-arthur-three-socks-jackson" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 50 – Arthur “Three Socks” Jackson"</span></a></p>

Having trucked through time, our heroes Chad Hand and Dale Rhea (seriously) must now deal with the perils of life in the late 17th or early 18th century. This mainly involves taping things to sticks and feeding a young boy pork and beans. We’ll also get to meet approximately three dozen members of the Sioux … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-49-a-bad-day-for-the-home-team" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 49 – A Bad Day for the Home Team"</span></a></p>

Load your cooler up with knickknacks, good buddy, we’re in for a long haul! This is our first episode covering Charles E. Harris’ “Trucking Through Time” and if the first two chapters are any indication it’s going to be quite the journey! We’ll meet our heroes Chad and Dale, the comically mismatched duo who are … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-48-trucking-through-time" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 48 – Trucking Through Time"</span></a></p>

As we wrap up our deep dive into EL James’ “The Mister”, we have a lot of questions. Well, one question really: What the hell? But also: Why was absolutely nothing resolved? Why do Maxim and Alessia treat her father like his opinion should matter at all? How much were they paying that translator? Is … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-47-so-do-albanian-cars-have-seatbelts-or-what" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 47 – So do Albanian cars have seatbelts or what?"</span></a></p>

This is now an all Bleriana, all the time podcast. Our favorite unseen character, who may or may not still be a sex slave when this book ends in fifty pages, makes another appearance, as Alessia finally recounts the story of her evil Betrothed and her journey to England. Despite her saying “I love you” … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-46-blerianas-bucket" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 46 – Bleriana’s Bucket"</span></a></p>

Our second favorite trafficking victim does NOT show up in this section of The Mister, but other than that, it’s jam packed. Anesthesia, post-trauma boning, and approximately 3/4 of a page of honest to god drama and tension! Join us on Patreon! Get every episode early plus other fun stuff like cooking shows! patreon.com/372pages Mike … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-45-wherefore-art-thou-bleriana" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 45 – Wherefore Art Thou, Bleriana?"</span></a></p>

This episode is nearly two hours long, despite the fact that if you cut out all the sex from these five chapters, all our characters did was buy shoes and play chess. Oh, and they saw a deer. Our patreon supporters have been listening to this episode all weekend! Join the fun and get every … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-44-male-tasting-fingers" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 44 – Male Tasting Fingers"</span></a></p>

WARNING: This section of The Mister may contain the dumbest sentence we’ve ever covered on this show. Join us in pastoral Cornwall, where Maxim and the entrancing Alessia, who’s beauty, we’re often reminded, is very beautiful, are hiding out from Albania sex traffickers. What do they do to pass the time? What any two attractive … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-43-music-for-your-what-now" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 43 – Music for your what now?"</span></a></p>

In part two of our deep dive into The Mister, author EL James gives her audience exactly what they came for: Sex! Nobody actually having it, of course, but people are being trafficked for it in a cheap attempt to lend gravitas to a tawdry romance novel! We were so disgusted our groins barely stirred … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-42-not-a-groin-was-stirring" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 42 – Not A Groin Was Stirring"</span></a></p>

Who’s ready to get British and horny?? This is our first episode devoted to The Mister by EL James, and it’s obviously unlike anything we’ve read on here before. We’ll examine the author’s clever methods for padding out the book length, as well as some very surprising similarities to the works of Ernest Cline. We’ll … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-41-handsome-buttocks" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 41 – Handsome Buttocks"</span></a></p>

Time to start our seventh book together! This one promises to be quite the journey. Don’t want to ruin this surprise, so get listening! Oh and by the way, our Patreon supporters have been reading this book all weekend because they get every episode early! Lucky them…? If you want to join them, we really … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-40-book-number-seven" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 40 – Book Number Seven"</span></a></p>

We are back after a week in Nashville! While we were there, we figured that we would take advantage of the opportunity to record face to face. So we recorded a dynamic, hilarious, touching video rattling off some potential Next Book candidates (it was well shot too.) Unfortunately, Mike had a checked bag mishap with … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-39-broken-camera-blues" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 39 – Broken Camera Blues"</span></a></p>

Thank god this book was not 372 pages long. Neither of us could have handled that. Bob Honey was fortunately only 160, and even so, managed to have three different characters crap their pants, two of them in this final section. It’s a fitting metaphor for something, but we’ll be damned if we’re going to … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-38-160-pages-well-never-get-back" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 38 – 160 Pages We’ll Never Get Back"</span></a></p>

Our favorite unreliable narrator who is also a toilet salesman/mallet assassin is back to bring his book into the homestretch! We’ve got brand new onomatopoeias, lipstick smeared on teeth, and of course, boatloads of alliteration. There’s also a literal boat, which our hero uses to abandon Hurricane Katrina relief effort volunteers to their death. (this … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-37-i-laugh-a-lot-when-i-write" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 37 – I Laugh a lot When I Write"</span></a></p>

The enigma that is Bob Honey continues to baffle and frustrate us. From offering guests a drink that no human has ever consumed (and they accept??), to possessing a secret preternatural scuba diving activity, to being unable to comprehend basic figures of speech. Oh, and he’s a literal superhero we find out too! So that’s … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-36-were-baffled-by-the-cherry-water" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 36 – We’re Baffled By The Cherry Water"</span></a></p>

Sean Penn certainly has written a collective of words arranged into sentences! There’s a lot to discuss in our first episode diving into Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff. There’s the mysterious backstory Penn created for the book, the maddening alliteration, and the book’s strange ability to make you dislike stuff you previously thought you … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-35-uh-ok" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 35 – Uh… OK?"</span></a></p>

Well, here is the new book we all get to read together! We apologize for nothing!! And hey, a bunch of listeners requested this one, so if you want someone to blame we will name names! But in all seriousness, this should be very fun, and will be a welcome change of pace from the … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-34-a-160-page-self-own" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 34 – A 160 Page Self-Own"</span></a></p>

All good things must come to an end. On a completely unrelated note, this book also must come to an end. And what an ending it is! After pages and pages of repeated text and detailed descriptions of the families of characters who are never mentioned again, we get some actual, honest to god plot … <p class="link-more"><a href="http://372pages.com/episode-33-checkmate" class="more-link">Continue reading<span class="screen-reader-text"> "Episode 33 – Checkmate"</span></a></p>