Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Giving choices’ is a hot tool in the respectful parenting world. In the scripts, it usually goes like this:   Child: “I want a snack!” Parent: “OK! Would you like an apple or a banana?” Child: “A banana, please!” And the parent hands over the banana. But when you actually try it in your own home, it usually looks more like this: Your child:: “I want a snack!” You: “OK! Would you like an apple or a banana?” Your child: “I want cookies!”   WHY IS THAT?! Why does it never ‘work’ the way it’s supposed to? Why doesn’t our child follow the script? There’s a simple and easy reason, and in this episode I break it down - and teach you the effective tool to use instead of giving choices.   Questions this episode will answer Why do parenting experts recommend giving choices to kids? Giving choices is often recommended as a "magic bullet" for getting kids to cooperate. In theory, offering limited options should give kids a sense of control while still getting them to do what you want. But there's more to why this strategy often falls flat in real homes with real kids.   What happens in real life when I try giving choices to my toddler? Scenarios in parenting books show a child happily picking a banana when offered "apple or banana." But in real life, this usually goes differently - your child wants a cookie instead! The episode reveals why this disconnect happens and how to address it.   How does giving choices change as kids get older? With older kids, the choices we offer often become more complex and loaded with hidden expectations. For example, telling a child to "choose one physical activity" carries assumptions about what's best for them. The episode explores how these underlying messages affect your relationship with your child.   Should I use choices to motivate my child to do homework? When we say things like "Do homework now and you'll be able to get screen time sooner," we're not really addressing what's behind the procrastination. We look at fascinating research about what procrastination actually means and why this approach misses the mark.   Why does my child never follow the script when I give them choices? Children have their own needs and desires that don't magically disappear when we present limited options. The podcast examines how children sense when choices aren't genuine and why they push back. It's actually a healthy part of their development!   What's the connection between rewards and giving choices? The episode makes an interesting link to research about rewards and their effects on children's motivation. There's a surprising similarity between giving choices and offering rewards that most parents never consider.   What can I do instead of giving choices that actually works? The episode introduces a framework that works for any interaction with your child. Whether it's offering clothes to a toddler or managing a teen's screen time. This approach respects both your needs and your child's, creating more authentic collaboration.   How do I know if the choices I'm offering are helpful or harmful? Some choices respect your child's autonomy, and some are just disguised attempts to control their behavior. The episode helps you spot the difference and adjust your approach accordingly.   Why do some children respond well to choices while others rebel? Every child has different needs, temperament, and ways of expressing themselves. The episode explains why understanding your unique child matters more than following any specific technique or parenting script.   What you'll learn in this episode Why the popular parenting strategy of giving choices often fails in real life, even though parenting experts recommend it!The key difference between how choices work in demonstration videos versus what happens in your actual home with your kidsHow presenting limited options can actually override your child's natural self-regulation abilitiesThe surprising connection between choices and motivation. Using choices to get homework done can backfire!How choices change and get more complicated as children grow older. Learn what adjustments to make to your techniqueThe hidden agenda behind many of the choices we offer our children. Kids can sense when choices aren't genuineA more effective alternative framework that works for every interaction with your child. F snack time to homework to curfews, we've got you covered!The tool that replaces the scripts that don't workHow to move beyond power struggles to create more authentic collaboration with your child   Do you have a child aged 1 – 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make?   Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation – but don’t know how to get it?   If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.   Go from constant struggl

  If there’s one topic that never fails to rile parents up, it’s sibling fighting. Why does it affect us so much? (There are two main reasons.) Why is this happening, and what can we do about it? There are two main reasons, and one strategy to use with each reason. That’s it! There are not an infinite number of reasons why this is happening, or an infinite number of things to try to get it to stop. This episode will help you to identify the cause of the fighting, and how to make it stop. Sound too good to be true? It isn’t. Check out what parents have said about the workshop and sign up:   Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you. Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go way beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.   Click the banner to learn more.     Jump to highlights: 02:07 Challenges of having multiple children 03:39 How parents' reactions to their children's fighting can be influenced by their own past experiences with their siblings. 07:00 The need to make pause before reacting to a child’s behavior 07:52 Understanding the causes of siblings fight 08:34 A fictitious story about a sibling fight to show two possible scenarios that may result from two opposing reactions from a parent 10:40 Scenario 1: Parent explodes and blames one child as aggressor during sibling fight 12:10Scenario 2: Parent makes a pause, remains calm, does not blame anyone 15:00 Importance of having an empathetic discussion with your children 20:45 The struggles of Adrianna and Tim began when a new child was added to the family. 24:46 How Parenting Membership help Adrianna and Tim 25:54 Adrianna shares how bodhi shows his empathy towards her sister 27:35 How adding a sibling rocks an older child’s world 28:42 What are some ways to support our older child in managing challenging emotions so that they continue to feel valued and loved by us. 31:24 Sibling fight as a child’s unskillful strategy to getting their needs met 33:55 Figuring out the commonly unmet needs of our children 35:05 The answer to a child’s unmet needs: Spend 1:1 time with them 36:25 The importance of letting the child direct your ‘special time’ 37:48 Why parents shouldn’t treat all their children in the same way 39:16 Adrianna’s reflections

This Q&A episode comes from a special education preschool teacher had listened to the Why We Shouldn’t Read The Your X-Year-Old Child books anymore, and wondered:   My first thought was: There’s no way I’m touching that question, because I don’t have the relevant qualifications and I’ll get torn apart.I’ve been in some groups for Autistic parents for several months now, and one thing that’s abundantly clear is that qualified professionals use ‘treatments’ for Autistic children that these now-grown up people describe as abuse (and believe me; I don’t use that word lightly. It’s a direct quote from many different people).So if the qualified professionals are using methods that the people who have experienced them call abusive, I think I have a responsibility to at least offer thoughts for parents to consider as they’re navigating the process of diagnosis and treatment.Too often, parents are pushed to take their child directly from diagnosis to treatment, as if we’re missing some critical window of opportunity. But what if no treatment was sometimes the best option?I don’t consider this episode to be The Final Word on What Parents Should Do. It’s more of a conversation starter…a way to raise some ideas that parents might not hear from the doctors who are pushing them toward treatment as fast as possible.   Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.   Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.   Click the banner to learn more.   Jump to highlights: 02:20 Parent Jessie’s question about her child 03:13 Listener Teacher’s question about intervention and therapy among children with Autism 05:42 The purpose why Autism support groups exist 06:25 The negative impacts of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) Therapy to children with Autism 07:32 The rush to get a child into therapy 08:33 The Medical Model of Therapy 09:27 Therapy and Capitalism 10:01 Consider joining communities for support before getting into therapy 12:09 First point to consider before getting a child into therapy: We are all neurologically different 13:05 Second point to consider before getting a child into therapy: The aim of therapy 16:38 Third point to consider before getting a child into therapy: The benefit of therapy to the child 20:24 The need for a child’s active (verbal/nonverbal) consent to therapy 24:44 The impact of family environment on a child in therapy 26:56 Finding the appropriate therapy for very young children

If you're anything like me, navigating conflict comes pretty easily to you. You always know what to say to make your point in a tone that's firm but still inviting, right? You listen for the purpose of understanding the other person and don't just use the time while the other person is speaking to form your own rebuttal? You never get overwhelmed, and maintain your own sense of boundaries even when the discussion argument gets really heated?   (Yeah, me either, really...)   A few months ago I put out a request for folks who disagree with me on a social issue to let me know if they would be willing to come and discuss the topic with me on a podcast episode.   I had just read Mónica Guzmán's book I Never Thought Of It That way, which concludes with an invitation to practice the tools she teaches about navigating conflict more effectively, and I thought: "Well, let's do it!" Mónica agreed to moderate a conversation and I put out a call for folks to participate...   ...and let's just say that the silence was deafening.   (And I was kind of disappointed. I mean, you all are a pretty opinionated bunch, right? And I KNOW some of you disagree with me about some things...)   The one person who responded was parent Lulu, who wrote: "I do admit that I disagree with your recent focus on White privilege and how it seems to make its way into almost every episode. Yes, it’s something to be aware of, but I don’t want that awareness to drive many of my and my kids' decisions and conversations."   Of course my first thought was "Well, you're wrong," but when I responded: "Tell me more!" she added that she sees topics like school, behavior, nutrition, empathy, and other factors as all more important than discussing White privilege on a regular basis.   "Super," I said. "Let's talk."   So we each prepared for the conversation using a framework described in Mónica's book, and as we were talking Mónica pointed out what we were doing well (and shockingly few things we weren't doing well) to build our mutual understanding.   I think it's safe to say we both got more out of it than we had anticipated. We recorded it several weeks ago and I also recorded a postscript with some thoughts on the conversation as well as how we might apply the ideas we used in less structured situations we find ourselves in on a regular basis.   This episode will help you to understand people who are important to you even when they have ideas that are very different from yours, and find common ground so you can work, play, and be together.   Mónica Guzmán's book I Never Thought Of It That Way (Affiliate link)   Jump to highlights: 01:01 Introducing today’s guest 02:39 This episode demonstrates using Monica's tools for productive conversations with differing views. 03:38 The 'conversation dial, EPACT, helps assess and enhance productive discussions by considering factors like full communication, equal platform footing, focused attention, contained conversations, and timing. 08:36 The conversation between Jen and Lulu is set to begin with a commitment to trust and exploring ideas in an open environment. They set the stage by discussing their objectives. 13:51 They engage in an eight-minute back-and-forth discussion, where they reflect on what they've learned about each other's perspectives. 36:43 They delve into the complexities of their roles in addressing interconnected issues like White supremacy, ecology, and consumerism, recognizing areas of uncertainty while aiming for a deeper understanding of each other's viewpoints. 44:09 Monica praised Jen and Lulu for their open and respectful dialogue, noting their effective use of clarifying questions and their willingness to discuss sensitive issues. 46:30 Lulu and Jen expressed their appreciation for the enlightening conversation, noting the importance of respect and curiosity when discussing challenging topics. 52:42 Wrapping up the discussion

Do you ever have that voice in your head that tells you things like: "You shouldn't have laid in bed for so long; you should have got up earlier to get ready for the day"?   Or how about: "You shouldn't let your kids watch TV; good mothers don't let their kids watch TV"?   Or: "If I was any good at this parenting thing, my kids wouldn't fight with each other"?   If you do, have you noticed that sometimes that voice comes out when you talk to your children, in that exasperated, shaming voice: "Why would you do that?"   If you have, you're not alone.   My guest for this episode is parent Katie, who is a therapist with a Master's in Counseling.   She's specifically trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is a method of changing people's behavior - essentially by teaching them to ignore their body's signals of fear and anxiety.   Despite knowing everything there is to know about how to change a person's behavior, Katie still struggled as she transitioned from two to three children, and was suddenly dealing with massive sleep deprivation, the oldest child biting the middle child, and a whole lot of yelling (both from the children and from her).   She got to the point where she realized: "I can't keep doing this. We can't keep functioning in this way. And I wish I didn't react so strongly but I don't know what else to do."   Katie shares some massive transitions she's made over the last year, including: Realizing her body's surprising signal that she's feeling overwhelmed in a situationHer transition from constantly snapping at her children to being patient and THEN snapping to being able to change course even in the middle of a difficult interactionWays that she gets frustration out before it erupts over her children (which models healthy coping habits for them, too!)A non-cognitive shift (based in her body, not just in her brain)around seeing the systems we live in as an important reason why things are so hard for parents, which means it isn't her fault things are hardHow seeing her needs in a new way helped her to heal her inner critic - which is still there, but has much less power over her now than it used to   Our inner critics don't appear out of nowhere; they're formed out of the voices of our parents and other people who are important to us. Katie told me after we turned off the recording that her parents - who were good, loving parents - wanted to make Katie's life as easy as possible - which often meant presenting a sanitized view of her hair, her clothing, and her sexuality to the outside world.   If you do what's expected, other people won't make your life harder - but those 'criticisms' have now become her own internalized voice, making it harder for her to show up as her real, authentic self.   Her oldest son has food allergies but Katie feels guilty asking for accommodations for him that other people might think are 'too much.' Standing up for her son's needs has taught her how to stand up for her own needs - now she knows she wants to be part of creating a society that sees and meets everyone's needs, rather than forcing the outliers to fit into a traditional mold.   This episode is a must-listen for parents who are having a hard time and who think it's their fault.   It isn't your fault.   Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,   the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.   Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.   Click the banner to learn more!     Other episodes mentioned in this episode Healing and Helping with Mutual Aid   Jump to highlights 04:35 What parenting was like for parent Katie in her early days. 16:25 The reason why she enrolled for Taming Your Triggers a second time. 21:10 The window of tolerance. 27:39 How the nonviolent communication impacted her inner critic. 45:43 Taming Your Triggers and Changing Behavior. 52:41 Navigating vulnerability and community.

In this episode I take a look at the main reasons why we have these hard days - from our child's temperament to our temperament to attachment relationships, trauma, and neurodivergences - all of these intersect especially tightly on the hard days.   Then we look at three ways to get through these days with a little more grace - and maybe even without having to apologize to your child at the end of it.   Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,   the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.   Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.   Click the banner to learn more!     Jump to highlights 02:44 It can be difficult when we have a temperament mismatch 03:25 But having the same temperament can also be difficult 04:36 Children will often take on a role in the family 05:29 Our attachment style impacts how we perceive other people’s behavior 10:40 Making a non-cognitive shift so you see difficult days differently 21:05 We don’t always have to fix everything in the moment 25:59 The challenges to meeting your needs more often 29:43 The part we often forget is that your child has needs as well

Do you ever feel ashamed? Many people find it among their most physical emotions, resulting in a big knot of tension or a hot flush that washes over their whole body. But what is shame, and where does it come from?   I recently read a LOT of academic papers and books, and also popular books about shame, and the most helpful resource I found among all of the ones I read was written by my guest today, A.J. Bond. A.J. is a wrier and a filmmaker who experienced a shame-related breakthrough in his own therapy several years ago, and who subsequently became certified as a Healing Shame Practitioner through the Center for Healing Shame in Berkeley.   We discuss, among other things: The origins of shame all the way back in our childhoodsWhat kinds of shame really are helpful in our livesHow to heal from toxic shame so we don't pass it on to our own children   AJ's book (Affiliate link) Discomfortable: What is shame and how can we break its hold?   Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,   the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.   Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.   Click the banner to learn more!     Jump to highlights 02:05 How AJ Bond get started on understanding what shame is 05:12 What is shame? 07:15 Different versions of shame for different people 08:10 Shame is like an alarm system 10:39 The breaking of the interpersonal bridge 15:48 What does good repair look like 18:45 The rupture and repair make the relationship stronger 25:41 The cultural evolution aspect and how we evolved to be around the same pretty small group of people for a lot of the time 26:58 Shame will often feel like it’s connected to survival 31:09 Are there common reactions that people have when they're feeling when they're experiencing shame? 34:18 The concept of healthy shame 37:19 The 123 Punch of Shame 47:03 How our unconscious values show up in the context of our conscious and chosen values   References Arnink, C.L. (2020). A quantitative evaluation of Shame Resilience Theory. Inquiries Journal 12(11), 1-11. Bond, A.J. (2022). Discomfortable: What is shame and how can we break its hold? Berkeley: North Atlantic. Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Center City: Hazeldon. Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services. 87(1), 43-52. Brown, B. (1999). Searching for a theory: The journey from explanation to revolution. Families in Society 80(4), 323-429. Cooley, C.H. (1902). Human nature and the social order. New York: Scribner’s. Deonna, J.A., Rodogno, R., & Teroni, F. (2012). In defense of shame: The faces of an emotion. Oxford: Oxford University Press. DeParle, J. (2022, November 25). The expanded child tax credit is gone. The battle over it remains. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/25/us/politics/child-tax-credit.html Elias, N. (1978). The civilizing process (Volume 1). New York: Pantheon. Elison, J., Garofalo, C., & Velotti, P. (2014). Shame and aggression: Theoretical considerations. Aggression and Violent Behavior 19, 447-453. Garland-Thompson, R. (2005). Feminist disability studies. Signs: Journal of women in Culture and Society 30(2), 1557-1587. Greenwald, D.F., & Harder, D.W. (1998). Domains of shame: Evolutionary, cultural, and psychotherapeutic aspects. In P. Gilbert & B. Andrews (Eds.), Shame: Interpersonal behavior, psychopathology, and culture (p.225-245). Oxford: Oxford University Press. Hauser, C. T. (2016). Shame and resilience among mental health trainees: A scale construction study (Unpublished doctoral dissertation). University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Jacquet, J. (2015). Is shame necessary? New uses for an old tool. New York: Pantheon. Jóhannsdóttir, Á. (2019). Body hair and its entaglement: Shame, choice and resistance in body hair practices among young Icelandic people. Feminism & Psychology 29(2), 195-213. Kendi, I.X. (2019). How to be an anti-racist. New York: One World. Lee, R.G. (1996). Shame and the Gestalt Model. In R.G. Lee & G. Wheeler (Eds.)., The voice of shame: Silence and connection in psychotherapy (p.3-58). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Lichtenberg, P. (1996). Shame and the making of a social class system. In R.G. Lee & G. Wheeler (Eds.)., The voice of shame: Silence and connection in psychotherapy (p.269-295). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Mate, G. (2019). Scattered minds: The origins and healing of Attention Deficit

This episode kicks off a series of new episodes that I'm very excited about, which is based on listeners' questions. My goal is to produce shorter episodes that cut across the research base to help you answer the questions that are on your mind about your child's behavior and development.   Our first question comes from Dee in New Zealand, who wants to know: should she should do what her preschooler is asking and buy a pair of inflatable boxing gloves so he can hit her when he's feeling angry. Or would hitting a pillow be a better option?   If you'd like to submit your own question, you can record a video of yourself asking it in two minutes or less, upload it to a platform like Drive or Dropbox, and send a link to it at [email protected]. Alternatively you can go to the homepage and click the button to record your question for an audio-only option.   Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,   the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.   Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.   Click the banner to learn more!     Other episode referenced: Episode 159, Supporting girls' relationships with Dr. Marnina Gonick   Jump to highlights 02:18 Parent Dee’s question about her child 04:02 The six things going on in the question 06:19 The Catharsis Theory 07:18 Pointing out the difference in terminology about anger and aggression 09:38 Most of the research has studied cognitive behavioral therapy as a treatment for anger and aggression 11:22 The difference between adults and children in navigating situations 13:10 Anger in girls and boys 14:42 Addressing the difficult behavior instead of the reason for the behavior 16:00 The importance of self-regulation in managing feelings of anger 17:06 Most of us didn’t have great role models for how to cope with anger 22:23 Things to do to help a child regulate their feelings

In this most personal episode I've ever created, I'll share with you how my autism self-diagnosis has helped me to understand the experiences I've had in ways that bring a great deal more clarity and insight than I've had up to now.   In addition to hearing from me, you'll hear the actual voicemail the therapist who has been helping me left to explain the results of my autism screeners, as well as conversations with friends about things that are hard in our friendships.   You'll hear from listeners who find things I do on podcast episodes to be hurtful and judgmental and also relatable and approachable, and sometimes it's the same things I do that prompts both the 'positive' and 'negative' reactions.   And you'll hear from a listener in my membership community who has been on a similar journey to understand how her ADHD diagnosis wasn't really about her as much as it was about her reactions to the ways her family interacted with her - they encouraged creativity and expression in her artwork, but never never never ever related to emotional expression.   My goal with this episode is to help you draw together threads in your own life in a way that maybe you haven't been able to do until now so you can understand yourself better, and make requests to help you meet your needs, and maybe change the situations you're in so you can be in them with more ease and authenticity.   And I also hope it helps you to see how your child's struggles are a reflection of their needs, and of whether those needs are being met. Just as you didn't need fixing when you were a child (and neither did I, despite all the people who tried to fix me), your child doesn't need fixing either. Instead, we can use the struggles to better understand our needs and our child's needs, and work toward meeting them both.   To investigate screeners that Dr. A. has available for free on her website, visit https://spectrumservicesnyc.com/resources/   Taming Your Triggers If you need help with your own big feelings about your child’s behavior, register for the Taming Your Triggers workshop. We’ll help you to: Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause themUse new tools like the ones Katie describes to find ways to meet both her and her children’s needsEffectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered   Click the banner to learn more!   Jump to highlights: 02:52 My book is coming out on August 2023 03:29The ‘emotional intimacy’ between content creators and audiences 05:50 I looked at my racial privilege through a series of podcast episodes 06:09 I’ve also been exploring my recent autism self-diagnosis through the podcast 06:57 Dr. Andalibian’s voicemail telling me about the results of my autism screeners 10:30 I’ve always had a hard time fitting in 11:29 My entire teenage years were marked by a huge withdrawal from everything and everyone 12:33 School was miserable as well because I was good at learning but couldn’t figure out how to make friends 13:04 Gemma describes what she remembers about me 15:38 The librarian created the Library Monitor position for me 16:30 Sarah explains how we met 20:08 Sarah pointed out that there is much less ambiguity in our relationship than in many of her relationships 22:50 I was surprised to hear that Sarah found the absence of ambiguity to be a helpful part of our friendship 24:13 An example of when I’ve misstepped and didn’t know how to fix it 26:43 A listener and I chat about imposter syndrome back in 2020 28:50 A listener in my Learning Membership community said she has felt judged by some of the things I’ve said about schools 30:26 One of the characteristics of autistic people is that we see things in a very black and white way 31:35 I have some genetic autistic component that nobody knew about when I was a child 32:47 In many areas of my life, my self-reliance served me well 34:30 We are stuck in a comparison mindset 35:59 I have a new series of Q&A episodes launching this year 36:18 My parents were traumatized by their own parents’ attempts to shape them to succeed in a White supremacist, patriarchal, capitalist culture 40:11 Don’t compare yourself with me, but with the person that you might be if you weren’t held back by these old habits 41:07 Parent Claire from my Parenting Membership community shared about reading Dr. Gabor Mate’s book on ADHD called Scattered Minds 46:04 No one wins from negating their true selves 48:57 I remember one kid in my high school who was ALWAYS in trouble 50:40 Our children do things that seem like the best strategy they have to meet their needs

Most of the resources related to parenting and neurodiversity are geared toward helping neurodivergent children, not neurodivergent parents, so this episode aims to help close that gap.   Whether you (or your partner, if you have one) have a diagnosis or you see yourself (or them) struggling but can't quite figure out why, this episode may help. Autism and ADHD are diagnosed at wildly differing rates in girls and boys (in large part because boys' symptoms often turn outward while girls' symptoms turn inward), which means that girls are very often undiagnosed and unsupported well into adulthood.   Dr. A. may help you to identify neurodivergence in yourself or your partner, and then connect you to resources to support you on your journey.   Find more about Dr. A's practice at SpectrumServicesNYC.com   I also very much appreciated Dr. A's memoir The Rose Hotel (affiliate link) about her experiences in Iran during the revolution, and later in the U.K. and the U.S.   Jump to highlights 00:03 Introduction to this episode. 03:07 What kind of patterns do you see in couples where one partner is known to be neurodivergent? 07:28 It’s often the female-identifying partner who is the one who identifies the issue. 11:46 What are some of the red flags for neurodivergent partners? 16:05 Men tend to flood four times as fast as their female partners when they are in an argument. 21:43 How do I support my partner in being a successful parent and also find more balance in terms of what they bring to the family? 25:38 What do we do with this knowledge that we have? 30:31 Dealing with conflict between the couple. 32:46 What do you think of the idea of trauma as a factor in ADHD? 36:12 Diagnosis of ADHD is multi-directional. 41:56 Mental health is still stigmatized, and getting a diagnosis could backfire on you. 42:31 What is a diagnosis and how does it help? 47:44 The different types of ADHD. 53:03 Social calendaring and extracurricular activities. 54:46 Time blocking is a better approach for ADHD. 01:01:45 Strengths of people with ADHD.   References Blair, R.J.R. (2005). Responding to the emotions of others: Dissociating forms of empathy through the study of typical and psychiatric populations. Consciousness and Cognition 14(4), 698-718. Bostock-Ling, J.S. (2017, December). Life satisfaction of neurotypical women in intimate relationships with a partner who has Asperger’s Syndrome: An exploratory study. Unpublished Master’s thesis: The University of Sydney. Chronis-Tuscano, A., & Stein, M.A. (2012). Pharmapsychotherapy for parents with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD): Impact on maternal ADHD and parenting. CNS Drugs 26(9), 725-732. Chronis-Tuscano, A., O’Brien, K.A., Johnston, C., Jones, H.A., Clarke, T.L., Raggi, V.L., Rooney, M.E., Diaz, Y., Pian, J., & Seymour, K.E. (2011). The relation between maternal ADHD symptoms & improvement in child behavior following brief behavioral parent training is mediated by change in negative parenting. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 39, 1047-1057. Conway, F., Oster, M., & Szymanski, K. (2011). ADHD and complex trauma: A descriptive study of hospitalized children in an urban psychiatric hospital. Journal of Infant, Child, and Adolescent Psychotherapy 10, 60-72. Dziobek, I., Rogers, K., Fleck, S., Bahnemann, M., Heekeren, H.R., Wolf, O.T., & Convit, A. (2007). Dissociation of cognitive and emotional empathy in adults with Asperger Syndrome using the mUltifaceted Empathy Test (MET). Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 38, 464-473. Ford, J.D., Thomas, J., Racusin, R., Daviss, W.B., Ellis, C.G., Rogers, K., Reiser, J., Schiffman, J., & Sengupta, A. (1999). Trauma exposure among children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Attention Deicit-Hyperactivity Disorder. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 67(5), 786-789. Hull, L., Petrides, K.V., & Mandy, W. (2020). The female autism phenotype and camouflaging: A narrative review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 7, 306-317. Lilley, R., Lawson, W., Hall, G., Mahony, J., Clapham, H., Heyworth, M., Arnold, S., Trollor, J., Yudell, M., & Pellicano, E. (2022). “Peas in a pod”: Oral history reflections on autistic identity in family and community by late-diagnosed adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 1-16. Mazursky-Horowitz, H., Thomas, S.R., Woods, K.E., Chrabaszcz, J.D., Deater-Deckard, K., & Chronis-Tuscano, A. (2018). Maternal executive functioning and scaffolding families of children with and without parent-reported ADHD. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 46(3), 463-475. Mazursky-Horowitz, H., Felton, J.W., MacPherson, L., Ehrlich, K.B., Cassidy, J., Lejuez, C.W., & Chronis-Tuscano, A. (2014). Maternal emotion regulation mediates the association between adult Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder symptoms and parenting. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 43(1), 121-131. McGough, J.J., Smalley, S.L

Have you ever seen recommendations for the books called Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old, and so on, by Louise Bates Ames? Every few weeks I see parents posting in online communities asking about some aspect of their child’s behavior that is confusing or annoying to them, and somebody responds: “You should read the Louise Bates Ames books!”   This usually comes with the caveat that the reader will have to disregard all the 'outdated gender stuff,' but that the information on child development is still highly relevant.   In this episode I dig deep into the research on which these books are based. While the books were mostly published in the 1980s, they're based on research done in the 1930s to 1950s.   I argue that far from just 'stripping out the outdated gender stuff,' we need to look much deeper at the cultural context that the information in these books fits within - because it turns out that not only were the researchers not measuring 'normal,' 'average' child development, but that they were training children to respond to situations in a certain way, based on ideas about a person's role in society that may not fit with our views at all. And if this is the case, why should we use these books as a guide to our children's development?   Other episodes mentioned: RIEScience of RIEToilet learningParenting Beyond Pink and BlueNVC   Jump to highlights: 02:41 An open invitation to check out the new book that will be released in August 2023. 04:59)Why these child psych books from the 1980s are all over parenting Facebook groups today 06:01 The Gesell philosophy of human behavior 08:48 Who is Louise Bates 10:32 Who is Arnold Gesell 11:28 How the children were selected to participate in the experiment 14:28 How our view of childhood had undergone a massive shift in the previous 100 years 16:09 What’s it like to have a child involved in the study 19:35 Some of the significant milestones provided by researchers 20:50 Dr. Gesell is looking to study the natural development of children’s physical capabilities 22:07 What normal seems to mean in the study 23:11 Gesell fails to observe what the baby’s hands are actually doing 24:18 The purpose of the ‘performance box’ 27:44 I add my own judgment of the research 28:32 Gesell wrote that what he called ‘systematic cinematography’ 29:22 Another way that the situation was anything but natural was that the study took place within a dome 30:59 Dr. Gesell observed the effect of the running commentary on him in the experimenter role 31:54 Dr. Gesell makes contradictory statements about whether the behavior he observed in the lab was the same as the behavior the child displayed at home 32:58 A baby’s behavior changes based on the environment it is in 35:04 What the researchers say about children’s capabilities outside of the lab 35:56 Even the view of maturation itself is inextricably linked to Euro-centric ideas about time, on both micro and macro scales. 40:51 What are parents supposed to do with all this information 45:19 One of the Dr. Bates Ames’ key ideas is that development doesn’t proceed in a linear fashion 47:52 The similarity between reading the development book and reading a horoscope 52:33 The idea that things aren’t linear in our children’s development is super helpful 52:54 I found the most useful description of why this non-linear behavior happens in a book of essays by Dr. Myrtle McGraw 54:14 Going back to the outdated ideas about gender 57:11 The flow of authority 01:00:55 When we use our power to get children to do what we want them to do we’re still promoting the values of a patriarchal culture 01:02:58 The most common word uttered is ‘mine’ 01:05:04 Each of the decisions parents make is made in a cultural context 01:07:36 An episode suggestion to listen to   References Al-Bdour, A-N.A., Akasheh, H.F., & Al-Husban, N.A. (2003). Ultrasonography of the uterus after normal vaginal delivery. Saudi Medical Journal 25(1), 41-44.   Astrology King (October 29, 2022). Aries Last Week: October 24 to 30, 2022. Author. Retrieved from: https://astrologyking.com/aries-last-week/   Ball, R.S. (1977). The Gesell Developmental Schedules; Arnold Gesell (1880-1961). Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 5(3), 233-239.   Britannica, The Editors of Encyclopaedia (2022, June 17). Arnold Gesell. Encyclopedia Britanica. https://www.britannica.com/biography/Arnold-Gesell   Dalton, T.C., & Bergenn, V.W. (1995). Beyond heredity and environment: Myrtle cGraw and the maturation controversy. Boulder: Westview Press.   Gesell, A., Ilg, F.L., Bates Ames, L., & Rodell, J.L. (1971). Infant and child in the culture of today: The guidance of development in home and nursery school. New York: Harper & Row.   Gesell, A., Halverson, H.M., Thompson, H., Ilg, F.L, Castner, B.M., Ames, L.B., & Amatruda, C.S. (1940). The first five years of life: A guide to the study of the preschool child. New York: Harper & Brothers

Are you a shitty parent? Or do you ever think you might be? Parenting today is so hard, and there are so many models of 'perfect parenting' available on social media that we can compare ourselves against that provide 'evidence' that we're not doing it right. Things can get even more difficult when we believe in respectful parenting, because we have a model for what we know we want parenting to be like - and every time we fall short of that ideal, the voice is there: "You don't know what you're doing." "You'll never be able to do it right." "You're a shitty parent." My guest today, Carla Naumburg, is the author of the bestselling book How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids, which was conveniently released just before a global pandemic started when we suddenly all started losing our shit with our kids. Now she's back with a new book: You Are Not A Sh*tty Parent which helps us to understand: Where these stories about ourselves come fromHow we can stop believing these storiesWays to treat both ourselves and our children with more compassion Carla was kind enough to send an advance copy of the book to a member of my community who said that she would read a sentence in it and think: “But you don’t know me; I actually AM a shitty parent!”...and then in the next sentence it was almost like Carla had read her mind and was prepared to address the member's precise concern. So if you ever feel anxious about your ability to parent in a way that's aligned with your values and think it's all about your failures, Carla has ideas to help. Please note that some swearing is inevitable when you're talking about Carla's books but apart from that the conversation was remarkably restrained on the language front!   Carla Naumburg's Books (Affiliate links) You Are Not A Sh*tty Parent Affiliate link to How to Stop Losing Your Shit With Your Kids   Jump to highlights 01:53 Introducing today’s guest 02:52 Exploring various types of struggles in life and parenting and the importance of distinguishing between them 08:54 Discussing self-compassion, distinguishing it from what it isn't 14:18 Exploring the difficulties of practicing self-compassion in a world of constant comparison and negative self-talk 20:07 Recognizing thoughts, acknowledging the separation between ourselves and our thoughts 29:57 Fostering compassion by first being kind to yourself, speaking compassionately to your kids, and adjusting your self-talk about them 40:06 Embracing the ever-changing seasons of life helps us release unrealistic expectations, find gratitude in the present, and accept the natural flow of experiences 44:53 Balancing compassion with power is essential for a just society 50:05 Self-compassion as a lifelong journey, not a destination 56:50 Wrapping up the discussion   References Yarnell, L.M., Stafford, R.E., Neff, K.D., Reilly, E.D., Knox, M.C., & Mullarkey, M. (2015). Meta-analysis of gender differences in self-compassion. Self and Identity 14(5), 499-520.

Did you read Little House on the Prairie when you were a child? I didn't, but I know it's a common American rite of passage.   My guest in this new episode, Dr. Dolly Chugh, got entirely immersed in the story with her two young daughters - so much so that they took a vacation to the places depicted in the story, and her daughters danced around in prairie dresses.   Dr. Chugh didn't realized until afterward that there was something missing from both Little House on the Prairie and from her family's exploration of the Midwest: settlers didn't arrive to find unoccupied land ready for farming; the government actively removed Native Americans from the land so it could be occupied by 'settlers.'   Dr. Chugh studies issues related to race as a professor, and yet she completely missed this aspect of our country's history.   In her new book, A More Just Future, Dr. Chugh asks why so-called Good People act in ways that are counter to their beliefs because we don't have all the information we need, or we prioritize some information over others.   In our conversation we discussed this research, and what we can all do to take actions that are aligned with our values - even when we're new to working on social justice issues.   Dr. Dolly Chugh Book: A more just future: Reckoning with our past and driving social change. (Affiliate link)   Jump to highlights: (09:13) 3 ways that we tend to perceive ourselves. (12:02) People who are trying to avoid a loss are more likely to make less ethical choices than people trying to make a game. (14:35) Kahneman and Tversky's work that says how you frame something can have meaningful consequences, even if the thing you're framing is exactly the same. (15:06) So that’s all the research of Framing says, and the gain versus loss piece of it says that you can have identical situations. But what the research, Molly Curran and I have shown us that if you frame it as a loss, people are more likely to cheat. (28:51) James Loewen has done some, some deep analyses of textbooks where he's, you know, God bless him spent two years he took like the 20 most popular history textbooks used in American high schools.   References Blunt, A., & Pychyl, T.A. (2005). Project systems of procrastinators: A personal project-analytic and action control perspective. Personality and Individual Differences 38(8), 1771-1780. Fee, R.L., & Tangney, J.P. (2000). Procrastination: A means of avoiding shame or guilt? Journal of social behavior and personality 15(5), 167-184. Gilbert, D.T., Wilson, T.D., Pinel, E.C., Blumberg, S.J., & Wheatley, T.P. (1998). Immune neglect: A source of durability bias in affective forecasting. Personality and Social Psychology 75(3), 617-638. Kim, K., del Carmen Triana, M., Chung, K., & Oh, N. (2015). When do employees cyberloaf? An interactionist perspective examining personality, justice, and empowerment. Human Resource Management 55(6), 1041-1058. Sirois, F.M., Melia-Gordon, M.L., & Pychyl, T.A. (2003). “I’ll look after my health, later”: An investigation of procrastination and health. Personality and Individual Differences 35(5), 1167-1184. Sirois, F.M., & Pychyl, T. (2013). Procrastination and the priority of short-term mood regulation: Consequences for future self. Social and Personality Psychology Compass 7(2), 115-127. Wohl, M.J.A., Pychyl, T.A., & Bennett, S.H. (2010). I forgive myself, now I can study: how self-forgiveness for procrastination can reduce future procrastination. Personality and Individual Differences 48, 803-808.  

In this episode, we explore procrastination—why it happens, its effects on our well-being, and practical solutions. Whether you struggle with putting things off, worry about your child developing this habit, or just want to understand the psychology behind it, this episode delivers valuable insights.   Our guest, Dr. Fuschia Sirois from Durham University, brings over 20 years of research on procrastination to our conversation. She reveals the emotional foundations of procrastination and offers practical strategies for both parents and children. Dr. Sirois is the author of Procrastination: What it is, why it’s a problem, and what you can do about it.   What is Procrastination? Not all delays qualify as procrastination. Dr. Sirois defines it as unnecessarily and voluntarily delaying a task we intend to complete—despite knowing the negative consequences. This behavior stems from self-regulation challenges, where emotions like anxiety or fear of failure lead us to avoid important tasks.   Our culture says that people procrastinate because they're disorganized and lazy. After all, how hard can it really be to do a task you've committed to doing, and one that you even know will benefit you?!   But I learned through this episode that procrastination isn't about disorganization or laziness at all – it's much more about managing how we feel about tasks – and we can learn how to do this more effectively.   Those of us who don't struggle with procrastination can also do quite a bit to support the folks who do, to make it easier for them to get stuck in and be successful at the task. Questions this episode will answer What distinguishes procrastination from simple delay? Procrastination isn't just delaying tasks – it's specifically postponing despite knowing negative consequences will follow. True procrastination involves three key elements: We delay starting or completing important tasks We recognize this delay will worsen our situation We choose immediate comfort over long-term goals Strategic delay can be beneficial, but procrastination behaviors undermine our intentions and increase stress levels.   How prevalent is procrastination? Procrastination statistics show this habit affects millions. Approximately 20% of adults identify as chronic procrastinators. Among college students, the numbers climb dramatically: 80-95% procrastinate regularly on assignments 75% consider themselves procrastinators These numbers reveal procrastination isn't a personal flaw but a widespread psychological challenge many people struggle with daily.   What impact does procrastination have on our health? Chronic procrastination harms both physical and mental wellbeing. Research links procrastination habits to: Increased headaches, insomnia, and digestive problems More frequent colds and infections due to weakened immunity Higher anxiety, persistent worry, and shame Greater risk of depression symptoms Procrastination can worsen existing health conditions by delaying important medical care and prevention strategies. How do emotions influence procrastination? Procrastination psychology reveals it's primarily about managing feelings, not time. We delay to avoid negative emotions that tasks trigger, including: Anxiety about potential failure Frustration with difficult requirements Boredom with mundane aspects Self-doubt about our abilities This emotional avoidance creates a cycle where procrastination becomes our coping strategy, followed by guilt that makes future procrastination more likely. Can procrastination ever be positive? While typically harmful, some procrastination patterns offer benefits when managed intentionally: "Structured procrastination" channels avoiding one task into completing others Brief delays allow creative ideas to develop subconsciously Some people work more efficiently under deadline pressure These positive effects only emerge when procrastination is somewhat controlled and doesn't cause excessive stress. What strategies help adults and children overcome procrastination? Effective Procrastination Solutions for Adults: Break overwhelming projects into smaller, manageable steps Create specific implementation intentions ("When X happens, I will do Y") Practice self-compassion instead of harsh self-criticism Use time management techniques like Pomodoro (25 minutes work/5 minutes break) Pair unpleasant tasks with enjoyable activities Helping Children Develop Anti-Procrastination Habits: Help them identify emotions around challenging tasks Teach project breakdown skills with visual schedules Model healthy approaches to difficult tasks Celebrate effort and progress, not just results Focus on building capability rather than enforcing compliance   What you'll learn in this episode How sleep procrastination sabotages productivity Discover why delaying bedtime despite needing rest creates a harmful cycle that drains energy and impairs your ability to manage tasks, emotions, and decision-m

Liann did not have an easy entry into motherhood. Her first child’s birth was pretty traumatic; it was followed by a miscarriage and then very quickly by another pregnancy. And then by COVID. She was already overwhelmed and then everyone was isolated…and suddenly Liann had a whole lot of anger that she hadn’t seen before. She didn’t think things could be more difficult than they were in the immediate postpartum period…and then they were. Her toddler, Hewitt, resented the new baby: Liann would be sitting on the couch nursing the baby and Hewitt is rolling on the floor shouting “NO BABY! NO BABY!” Transitions weren’t a problem before, but now they couldn’t make it out the door to go anywhere. Liann doesn’t deny that she was looking for a quick fix. She wanted Hewitt’s difficult behavior to stop, so she could stop feeling so freaking angry. She listened to a few of my podcast episodes and realized that she had no self-compassion. She saw that she could be compassionate toward other people in her life, but she was unable to extend that compassion to herself (and I know she’s not alone here: this is incredibly common among the parents I work with). Every time one of her children had a meltdown it felt like a personal attack on her worth as a person. It wasn’t a linear path for Liann to see things differently; she initially doubted that the new tools she was learning would be useful. She was out on a hike with them when they started whining and she realized they were tired and hungry…and so was she…but how did that help? Then she started to believe that things could be different; that there could be another way. She stopped taking everything so personally, which created space for her to be able to see what her children were asking for, instead of seeing their expression of needs as an attack on her for not having anticipated and met them already. And she also started to understand her own needs, and how she could meet these in ways that might seem unconventional, and that wouldn’t work for everyone, but they worked for her. And that’s the important thing: it doesn’t matter whether the solution they came up with would work for anyone else, just like the solutions that will work for you and your child might not work for anyone else. What matters is that they work for the two of you. Hear what the solution was that worked for Liann and her son after he’d been demanding that she put him to bed and nobody else - as well as how she’s learned to ask for and accept help from friends, and how she’s no longer fazed by a baby who has covered every inch of themselves and their crib with poop. Liann experienced a number of non-cognitive shifts as she went through the Taming Your Triggers workshop, which is where you don’t just believe something different to be true in your head, but that you take it on in your entire body as well. At that point you no longer have to constantly remind yourself about what you’re supposed to do in difficult moments, because the knowledge isn’t just in your head - it’s in your body as well. Then it becomes part of the fabric of how you live your life with your child. We can’t know when and how these will happen, but I will say that almost everyone I’ve seen really apply themselves in the workshop does experience a non-cognitive shift of some kind, and it isn’t always what they were expecting it to be about, but it does help them to see things in a different way, which opens up space for them to meet their child’s needs and their own needs as well. Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights: 02:21 Getting to know Liann's family dynamic 04:08 The difficulties Liann experienced in her early journey as a parent, including postpartum depression 05:32 Liann felt overwhelmed by his son's constant expression of "big feelings." 06:32 What inspired Liann to sign up for the Taming Your Triggers workshop after listening to Jen’s podcast episode entitled "Patriarchy is Perpetuated Through Parenting." 10:52 Lian's explorations into learning her family's needs and her own needs 15:12 Ways Lian started to see her needs as equally as important as her child's needs 16:10 The process that Lian and her partner used to overcome their son's difficulties with bedtime 19:49 Our child learns that we all have the right to set boundaries about what feels right to us and that they have the right to do that too 21:51 By being honest with herself, Lian was able to show self-compassion towards her sister d

I know it can be really difficult to navigate all the events happening in the world today. It seems like things are falling apart, with wars, climate change-caused drought and wildfires in some areas and flooding in others, with hunger not following far behind. And things aren’t any better on the political front either.   When difficult things happen out there in the world, they spill over into our relationships with our children. We suddenly find ourselves snapping at them far more easily than usual. The things they do that are normally mildly irritating now push us to the limit, and we end up reacting to them in ways that we don’t like.   In this episode we discuss the reasons why you feel emotionally yanked around by things that are happening out there in the wider world, as well as by the ways these things are discussed online and in our families as well.   We look at the tools you can use to regulate your emotions when this happens…but also that regulating your emotions and then voting to express your feelings about how the world should be isn’t going to make a meaningful difference. We learn tools you can use instead to create a sense of autonomy, which reduces stress and also change the circumstances themselves so they are less triggering in the future.   If you know you need support with your triggered feelings, whether these are related to: Events that are going in in the wider worldSeeing discussion of those events online or hearing about them from family members or friendsTraumatic events that you experienced in your childhoodEvents in your childhood that you don’t think of as traumatic, and yet left marks on youDifficulties you’re having now   Click the banner to learn more!   Other episodes mentioned: No Self, No ProblemMutual Aid   Jump to highlights: 00:08 Societal factors that make us feel triggered 03:15 The Yerkes-Dodson law describes the empirical relationship between stress and performance 04:53 Broadhurst’s research has made it possible to see stress as a positive thing 07:12 A moderate amount of stress, time pressure and role conflict can all enhance your creativity 09:09 How feeling triggered is connected to our trauma in the past 11:50 Techniques to cope with stress when triggered by a trauma 12:50 What will you get out of the Taming Your Triggers workshop 13:25 Our brains spend a good deal of the time telling stories about what's happening to us 16:09 Why do we create new threats in our brain 18:49 Why dealing with our child's emotions can be difficult enough when we are completely present and capable 21:34 The value of mindfulness in dealing with an oppressive society 22:27 How Mutual Aid group work for people who need help with the system 24:26 Ways we can work together with others to bring the changes we want to see 27:35 The small wins of the Gay Rights Movement 33:22 The success story of two parents in the Taming Your Triggers community who help each other on their healing journey 36:27 Invitation to join the Taming Your Triggers workshop   References Broadhurst, P.L. (1957). Emotionality and the Yerkes-Dodson Law. Journal of Experimental Psychology 54(5), 345-352. Byron, K., Khazanchi, S., & Nazarian, D. (2010). The relationship between stressors and creativity: A meta-analysis examining competing theoretical models. Journal of Applied Psychology 95(1), 201-212. Cole, L. W. (1911). The relation of strength of stimulus to rate of learning in the chick. Journal of Animal Behavior, 1(2), 111. Corbett, M. (2015). From law to folklore: Work stress and the Yerkes-Dodson Law. Journal of Managerial Psychology 30(6), 741-752. Corbett, M. (2013). Cold comfort firm: Lean organization and the empirical mirage of the comfort zone. Culture and Organization 19(5), 413-429. Dodson, J. D. (1915). The relation of strength of stimulus to rapidity of habit-formation in the kitten. Journal of Animal Behavior, 5(4), 330. U.S. Department of Justice (2016). Five things about violence against American Indian and Alaska Native women and men. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.ojp.gov/pdffiles1/nij/249815.pdf Weick, K.E. (1984). Small wins: Redefining the scale of social problems. American Psychologist 39(1), 40-49. Yerkes, R.M., & Dodson, J.D. (1908). The relation of strength of stimulus to rapidity of habit formation. Journal of Comparative Neurology of Psychology 18(5), 459-482.   [/accordion-item] [/accordion]

In this conversation with Dean Spade we resolve a long-running challenge in my understanding: when we talked with Dr. john powell on the topic of Othering and Belonging a couple of years ago we discussed how volunteering promotes othering, because it perpetuates the idea that the volunteer is a person with resources to give, and the recipient has little in the way of useful knowledge or resources of their own. Dr. powell agreed, but we didn’t have time to discuss what to do instead.   In this episode we finally punch out that lingering hanging chad of knowledge and talk with Dean Spade about the concept of mutual aid, which is the topic of his book: Mutual Aid: Building Solidarity in This Crisis (And The Next). In this conversation we discuss:   What is mutual aid, and how it’s more effective than volunteeringHow we heal in community with others from the effects that benign-seeming systems like capitalism have on usWays to find and get involved in mutual aid projects   As Dean and I talked, I also realized how applicable these ideas are to the work I do with parents in the Taming Your Triggers workshop.   It’s not surprising that parents feel triggered by their child’s behavior when you consider the trauma that we’ve experienced. Even if you had ‘good parents,’ they still raised you to succeed within a system that told you to hide unacceptable parts of yourself so you could be ‘successful’ - which means getting good grades, going to college, getting a good job, buying a house, and raising a family. And we’re supposed to do all of this by ourselves, without relying on others - because then we’ll need to buy more stuff along the journey.   Our culture uses shame to enforce these rules and keep us in line - that’s why we feel a sense of wrong-ness when we do something that isn’t socially acceptable - like asking for help, for example.   Because these traumas happened in community, they’re most effectively healed in community as well - just as these two parents did when they built on each other’s knowledge in the workshop earlier this year (screenshot shared with permission):     If you want to jump-start your ability to actually apply that knowledge in your interactions with your children by learning in community with others, then the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you.   Click the banner to learn more!     Dr. Dean Spade's Book Mutual Aid: Building Solidarity During This Crisis (and the Next) - Affiliate link   Parenting Beyond Power The wait is over! I'm thrilled to announce that Parenting Beyond Power is now available for you to explore. Discover practical insights and fresh perspectives that can make a positive difference in your parenting journey. Click the banner to get Parenting Beyond Power today:     Jump to highlights 01:30 Introduction to the episode and guest speaker Dr. Dean Spade 03:24 Definition of Mutual Aid and how it’s different from Charity 08:26 How the history of Social Movement was organized by Mutual Aid 09:54 Montgomery bus boycott is one of the most famous social movement work in the history of the US 15:35 The impacts of having problematic systems and structures in our society on parents 17:16 The challenges that the radical social movement is facing 18:29 How mutual Aid functions during a crisis 23:22 Why it's so essential to create a system of Mutual Aid in which we actually take care of each other and that doesn't destroy people's dignity and humanity 25:53 Why is it important to talk about Mutual Aid now 30:04 How capitalism worsens the condition of our society and why mutual aid is the only way to survive it 35:44 The importance of mutual aid in our well-being and in the society 40:09 What does Mutual Aid look like 44:53 How being involved in Mutual Aid can bring a sense of healing 46:43 Factors in our society that make us feel burnout 48:51 Dr. Spade’s way of recovering from burnout and avoidance 50:35 All powerful social movements for liberation have always been done by people who were living under the worst conditions 51:48 Importance of having a sense of urgency 53:13 Ways we should prepare for each coming emergency 54:37 How to find a Mutual Aid group in your community   References Blakemore, E. (2018, Feb 6, updated 2021, Jan 29). How the Black Panthers’ breakfast program both inspired and threatened the government. History.com. Retrieved from https://www.history.com/news/free-school-breakfast-black-panther-party Clarke, L. (1999). Mission improbable: Using fantasy documents to tame disaster. Chicago: University of Chicago. Dominguez, D., Garcia, D., Martinez, D.A., & Hernandez-Arriga, B. (2020). Leveraging the power of mutual aid, coalitions, leadership, and advocacy during COVID-19. Psychology. 67. https://repository.usfca.edu/psyc/67 Fernando, C. (2021). Mutual aid networks find roots in communities of color. ABC News. Retrieved from: https://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/mutual-aid-net

Claire had used respectful parenting methods since her children were babies, so child-led learning seemed like a natural fit for her. She protected her toddler’s free play time and involved her in household chores and nature walks.   Claire attended school as a child (just like I did!); she even enjoyed elementary school. By high school she didn’t see the relevance between what she was being taught and the things she was interested in - by that time her biggest lessons came from extracurricular art classes with mostly retired classmates at an art school, and from a theater production which she and other students put on entirely by themselves - getting advice from teachers, but messing up and fixing their mistakes by themselves.   It was the art classes and theater experiences that shaped the kind of learning that Claire wanted for her child, so she got herself pretty worked up over the idea of her oldest daughter attending public school. It was actually joining my Learning Membership that helped her see that if she did need to put her daughter in school someday, they would still be able to find ways to support her at home. Whichever way that turned out, she and her daughter would be OK.   And in the meantime, her daughter had transitioned from the simpler questions of two to the more complex, involved questions of three. Her new sibling was born, and her writing explorations proceeded in parallel with figuring out her place in the newly expanded family: suddenly she’s highly motivated to write a sign saying: NO BABIES ALLOWED.   Not only has Claire seen her child’s learning develop, but she’s also seeing her own growth as a person and as a parent. Having arrived at the decision to homeschool from a place of fear and defensiveness, which she would have to justify to her extended family who are teachers, she now feels confident that homeschooling is the right fit for her family right now - even though that may change in the future.   And - more importantly - she has reimagined her role in the homeschooling relationship. She now knows she doesn’t need to high-tail it for the library the moment her daughter expresses an interest in a new subject - she can sit back and observe and see what her daughter is really learning…and then go to the library if that’s the most appropriate thing to do. Claire is becoming her daughter’s guide on the side who takes cues from her learner, rather than the sage on the stage who takes advantage of every Teachable Moment to impart a lesson.   Now Claire feels much more relaxed about her daughter’s learning, because she trusts her daughter - and she trusts herself. Claire had spent a lot of her own early years feeling uncomfortable, and searching for belonging. She figured that if she just pushed herself harder, and beat herself up when things went wrong, that eventually she would be good enough. That she would finally stop feeling ashamed of herself, and fit in.   Now she sees that you can’t teach a child to be compassionate. The way our children learn compassion is by seeing us being compassionate with them - and with ourselves. So Claire is reparenting herself at the same time as she’s supporting her child’s learning.   Claire is in the Supporting Your Child’s Learning Membership, which doesn’t offer a curriculum.It doesn’t tell you what activities to do when, or give a checklist of learning goals for you to fill out.Instead, it helps you to: See learning where it’s already happeningProvide just the right amount and type of support to help your child direct their own learning (and ALL children are capable of doing this; even the ones with diagnoses, and even the ones who can’t focus at school)Bolster skills like critical thinking, full-bodied learning, and metacognition, that they can use to learn ANY new idea or skill they like.   Learning Membership If you need this help so you can support your own child’s learning, I’d love to meet you in the Learning Membership. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.   Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.   Click the banner to learn more!     Jump to highlights 03:07 Invitation to join the Supporting Your Child Learning Membership 03:50 What life in a homestead is like for Claire's family 05:43 How does their way of life show out in her child 07:07 Ways that Claire support her child’s learning prior joining the membership 09:17 Claire's lack of connection to what she was studying in school 10:09 How her passion for art continues to influence Claire’s life today 11:39 Getting community support for Claire help her a lot in embarking her journey in the membership 12:58 C

At the beginning of our stay at a friend’s house in Oregon six weeks ago, my eight-year-old daughter Carys had biked a flat mile on a mountain biking trail; when we got to a very slight incline she made it 20 feet further and then it all fell apart. She whined; she cried; she refused to go on. Later in the day, after we had both calmed down, we discussed the idea of Doing Hard Things, and we ultimately both agreed that we wanted to improve our mountain biking skills this summer.   She has done both a beginner and an intermediate level bike camp since then and her skills have dramatically improved! We did the Trail of Refusal the weekend after the beginner camp and she made it all the way around the loop, and the only complaining was because our riding companions weren’t going fast enough! (I’ve also been riding a lot - selling my old bike for a good price enabled the purchase of a new, much lighter one and I’m now significantly faster than I was. I may need a skills camp myself next time we’re in town…)   Professor Angela Duckworth discusses Doing Hard Things in her work on grittiness. A few days ago Listener Jamie, who helped me to prepare to talk with Alfie Kohn several years ago and who co-interviewed Dr. Mona Delahooke with me, sent me an article from The Atlantic that had just popped up in her newsfeed called The Case Against Grit and said “You said the same thing ages ago!”.   I was pretty sure I did say that, but I decided to check it out. Looking back at something I wrote four years ago has the potential to be pretty scary - my ideas have evolved a lot since then. Does this episode still ring true? Did I miss major issues? I discuss these ideas in a preview to this re-released episode.   Ready to transform how you support your child's curiosity? While we're all trying to figure out what's really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there's something we can do right now that helps nurture our children's natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn.   The You Are Your Child's Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you.   When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resilience that serves them well, whether they're facing social media pressures, academic stress, or the general challenges of growing up in today's world.   Click the banner to learn more!       Jump to highlights 03:29 How Grit is intimately connected to White supremacy 04:31 Characteristics of White supremacy in the concept of Grit 05:45 Teaching grittiness seems to be about passing along cultural ideas that we might not agree with 07:55 Raising children with a broad skill set and a self-identified passion are those who have encouraged rather than pushed their children in many interests rather than just one. 11:03 Invitation to join the Supporting Your Child’s Learning Membership and You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher workshop 12:20 Understanding what is Grit scale 15:30 Is grit about perseverance and passion 17:15 What it takes to be Grit 22:01 Using effort to overcome potential deficiencies in talent 25:27 Issues in measuring the Grit scale to students in schools 27:09 How could we give students from poor backgrounds a better advantage in school 28:24 Children experience at least two responses to stress 30:01 Understanding the issues of grit in famously successful people 32:21 The 7 virtues of grit 33:42 One of the major purposes of school is to pass on society’s culture and values to the next generation 35:09 The 4 key beliefs that cause a student to persevere more in the classroom 37:04 To whom exactly is grit for 40:15 Why grit might not actually be the secret to success 42:13 Is grit something we want to encourage in our child 43:51 Ways on how you can nurture your child with grit 46:26 What is The Hard Thing Rule   References Crede, M., Tynan, M.C., & Harms, P.D. (2017). Much ado about grit: A meta-analytic synthesis of the grit literature. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 113(3), 492-511. Del Giudice, M. (2014, October 14). Grit trumps talent and IQ: A story every parent (and educator) should read. National Geographic. Retrieved from http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2014/10/141015-angela-duckworth-success-grit-psychology-self-control-science-nginnovators/ Denby, D. (2016, June 21). The limits of “grit.” The New Yorker. Retrieved from https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/the-limits-of-grit Duckworth, A.L., Peterson, C., Matthews, M.D., & Kelly, D.R. (2007). Grit: Perseverance and passion for long-term goals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 92(6), 1087-1101. Full article available at https://www.ronaldreaganhs.org/cms/lib7/WI01001304/Centricity/Domain/187/Grit%20JPSP.pdf Duckworth, A.L., & Yeager, D.S. (2015). Measurement matters: Assessing personal qualities othe

Parents have been asking me for episodes on neurodivergence for a while now so I’m hoping this episode will become the start of a mini-series. In this first conversation I talk with Dr. Hanna Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, co-author of the new book Neurodiveristy Studies: A New Critical Paradigm. We look at this topic through the lens of autism, and I share some information I found to be pretty surprising when, out of curiosity, I took the Autism Spectrum Quotient screening online.   We discuss ways that schools, workplaces, and the wider world could better accommodate neurodivergent people, both so neurodivergent people can live the fullest expression of themselves, and also so everyone can benefit from their ideas, experience, and expertise.   While this episode uses autism as a lens through which to discuss neurodiversity, the ideas in it can be applied to other types of neurodiversity including Asperger’s syndrome, dyslexia, dyscalculia, ADHD, synesthesia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and Tourette syndrome.   I also see neurodiversity as much more broad than the typical way this term is used, which tends to be used to mean “a person with a disorder that makes them not as good as a normal person.” I see us all as neurodiverse, each with our own unique combination of talents and struggles, so we should support children in learning in the way that’s uniquely suited to them.   Ready to transform how you support your child's curiosity? While we're all trying to figure out what's really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there's something we can do right now that helps nurture our children's natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn.   The You Are Your Child's Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you.   When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resilience that serves them well, whether they're facing social media pressures, academic stress, or the general challenges of growing up in today's world.   Click the banner to learn more!       Dr. Hanna Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist's Book Neurodiversity Studies: A New Critical Paradigm (Routledge Advances in Sociology) (Affiliate link).   Jump to highlights 00:44 Introduction of episode 04:16 Communication barriers between neurodivergent people and neurotypical people 06:05 Miscommunication translation with neurodivergent children 15:41 Social model usefulness 16:38 Why autism should be in the DSM 18:58 Difference in non-verbal communication between neurotypical and neurodivergent people 30:13 Should schools give more space for understanding neurodivergent people 32:24 The value that neurodivergent people bring to society 36:18 Parents' role in effectively supporting neurodivergent children 40:15 What should the school system look like if it was supportive of neurodivergent children 42:00 What therapies should we offer and to whom 45:22 What can we do to support neurodivergent people   References Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, H., Chown, N., and Stenning, A. (2020). Neurodiversity studies: A new critical paradigm. London: Routledge. Bertilsdotter Rosqvist, H. (2019). Knowing what to do: Exploring meanings of development and peer support aimed at people with autism. International Journal of Inclusive Education, 23(2), 174-187. Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, H. B., & Brownlow, C. (2015). “What’s the point of having friends?”: Reformulating Notions of the Meaning of Friends and Friendship among Autistic People. Disability Studies Quarterly, 35(4). Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, H. (2013). Doing adulthood through parenthood: Notions of parenthood among people with cognitive disabilities. Alter 7(1), 56-68. Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, H. (2012). Practice, practice: notions of adaptation and normality among adults with Asperger syndrome. Disability Studies Quarterly, 32(2). Bertilsdotter Rosqvist, H., Brownlow, C., & O'Dell, L. (2015). ‘An Association for All’—Notions of the Meaning of Autistic Self‐Advocacy Politics within a Parent‐Dominated Autistic Movement. Journal of Community & Applied Social Psychology, 25(3), 219-231. Brownlow, C., Bertilsdotter Rosqvist, H., & O'Dell, L. (2015). Exploring the potential for social networking among people with autism: Challenging dominant ideas of ‘friendship’. Scandinavian Journal of Disability Research, 17(2), 188-193. Egner, J.E. (2019). “The disability rights community was never mine”: Neuroqueer disidentification. Gender & Society 33(1), 123-147. Lovgren, V., & Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, H. (2014). ‘More time for what?’ Exploring intersecting notions of gender, work, age and leisure time among people with cognitive disabilities. International Journal of Social Welfare 24(3), 263-272. Metell, M. (2019). How we talk when we talk about disabled children and their families: An invitation to queer the discourse. Voi

Every once in a while a blog post about ‘childism’ makes the rounds on social media, which is described as being a “prejudice against young people” that’s on par with sexism, racism, and homophobia. But the Director of the Childism Institute, Dr. John Wall, argues that that definition implies children are simply victims of whatever adults throw at them - when actually they are active agents who create meaning for themselves.   Dr. Wall’s most recent book is called Give Children The Vote - when I picked it up, I have to admit that I rolled my eyes. I was prepared to remain skeptical…and was surprised to find that by the end of the book, the idea of children’s suffrage actually made a whole lot of sense.   Changing our minds…changing the world A big part of what happened to me as I researched this episode was that I changed my ideas about two things I’d long assumed to be true: that we need to protect children from adults who look down at them, and that children shouldn’t be able to vote. As you’ll hear in the episode, my daughter was actually part of this process on the voting topic - we talked about whether she thought she should be able to vote, and she demonstrated the major capabilities that Dr. Wall said children need to be able to vote responsibly.   So often we get stuck in a rut of imagining that the way we see the world is The Right Way, and if our child doesn’t see it that way then it’s because they aren’t yet mature enough to know how the world really works. But what if we could see that the ways children view the world - in fact, the ways we used to view the world before we were taught that rational arguments supersede all other kinds of knowledge - as something that actually has value?   Not only does it have value, but it might create insights into the challenges we face - from the small ones in our daily lives to the really big ones like what we’ll do about climate change and how we’ll address really big social problems.Our children need us to see and value their creativity, because there are so many other places in the world that don’t value it - and that will squash it out of them pretty quickly.   Ready to Support Your Child's Natural Learning Whether this episode has you considering unschooling, reinforced your commitment to traditional schooling, or left you somewhere in between, one thing is clear: every child deserves to have their natural curiosity and love of learning nurtured.   The challenge for parents isn't choosing the "right" educational path, but knowing how to support meaningful learning wherever your child is.   The Learning Membership gives you the tools to nurture your child's development whether they're in traditional school, homeschooled, or unschooled.   You'll discover how to: Turn everyday moments into rich learning opportunities (just like Laura does with her daughter)Support your child's interests and curiosity without becoming the "teacher" parentCreate a home environment that enhances rather than competes with whatever educational approach you choose   Inside the membership, you'll find research-backed strategies that work alongside any educational setting, helping you become the parent who nurtures learning rather than forcing it.   Your child's curiosity is precious - don't let it get lost in debates about educational methods.   Click the banner to learn more.     Dr. John Wall's Book Give Children the Vote: On Democratizing Democracy (Affiliate link).   Jump to highlights 01:28 Introduction of episode 04:04 Introducing the guest 10:12 Background of childism 14:10 Difference between 3rd way and 2nd way feminism 19:26 What does childism do to society 21:03 Another children’s right 23:01 Idea of human right 34:20 Set of ideas that we could engage to children’s right 35:54 3 main points of Dr. John Wall’s book Give Children The Vote 43:35 The idea of the children’s right to vote 45:02 Why children are actively prevented from voting   References Abebe, T., & Biswas, T. (2021). Rights in education: outlines for a decolonial, childist reimagination of the future – commentary to Ansell and colleagues. Fennia 199(1), 118-128. Barajas, S. (2021). Unearned advantages? Redefining privilege in light of childhood. Children’s Geographies 20(1), 24-36. Biswas, T. (2021). Who needs sensory education? Studies in Philosophy and Education 40(3), 387-302. Britta, S. (2020). The Children’s Polylogue-Doing Philosophy with Children in Intercultural Encounters. Философский полилог: Журнал Международного центра изучения русской философии 1 (7), 55-69. Retrieved from: https://www.childism.org/_files/ugd/8edd45_91282ebbaf034a3fbdfe322bb4b3156a.pdf Hart, R.A. (1992). Children’s participation: From tokenism to citizenship. UNICEF. Retrieved from: https://www.unicef-irc.org/publications/100-childrens-participation-from-tokenism-to-citizenship.html Josefsson, J., & Wall, J. (2020). Empowered inclusion: Theorizin

This episode builds on our conversation with Dr. Atle Dyregrov on the topic of talking with children about death, where we focused mainly on death as a general concept and navigating the first few days after the death. Grief therapist Katie Lear has a new book called A Parent's Guide to Managing Childhood Grief and focuses on the much longer period of mourning that follows the death of someone close to a child. We look at: The four 'tasks' of mourning that most people (including children) move through Activities we can do in each task to help children navigate their feelings effectively long the process usually takes Signs that a child is engaged in 'complicated grief' and needs more support Where and how to find that support Resources mentioned in the show Katie's website The book A Parent's Guide to Managing Childhood Grief Selma Fraiberg's book The Magic Years: Understanding and Handling the Problems of Early Childhood The Dougy Center(resources and referrals to grief therapists) Books Katie recommends for reading with young children When Dinosaurs Die Ida Always The Endless Story The Dead Bird Goodbye Mousie   Jump to highlights (03:13) Important topics in Katie Lear’s book, A Parent's Guide to Managing Childhood Grief (04:43) Understanding what grief looks like in children and in adult (07:38) The four tasks that children need to work through during the grieving process (11:39) Useful activities in supporting children in the first stages of grief (14:03) Katie recommends picture books about death that are written in a way that children can understand and that help normalize the feelings associated with the grieving process (15:49) Should we tell our children the truth about a parent's death? (17:45) Feelings a child experiences when someone close to them dies (18:54) How does displaying a parent's grief to their child affect their behavior (21:24) Understanding our child’s commotion or acting out when they’re in the grieving process (24:11) What is Magical Thinking and how it’s connected to a child’s development (29:16) How Magical Thinking works in adults who are grieving (30:24) What is the environment like for children who are adjusting after a loved one has gone (32:01) Family bonding activities we can do to help our family process grief (33:14) How children navigate into a parentified role after the death of a parent (35:17) Which parent's death affects how a child responds to grief (37:34) Understanding the ages at which children process bereavement (40:21) Why should we consider having rituals and memorials for a loved one who passed away (43:45) How long does it take most children to recover from grief? (46:00) What is complicated grief look like in children (53:37) How to find the right resource therapist that is specialized in children’s grief   References Fogarty, J.A. (2000). The magical thoughts of grieving children: Treating children with complicated mourning and advice for parents. Amityville: Baywood Publishing. Haine, R.A., Ayers, T.S., Sandler, I.N., & Wolchik, S.A. (2008). Evidence-based practices for parentally bereaved children and their families. Professional Psychology Research & Practice 39(2), 113-121. Lear, K. (2022). A parent’s guide to managing childhood grief. New York: Adams Media. Pham, S., Porta, G., Biernesser, C., Walker Payne, M., Iyengar, S., Melhem, N., & Brent, D.A. (2018). The burden of bereavement: Early-onset depression and impairment in youths bereaved by sudden parental death in a 7-year prospective study. American Journal of Psychiatry 175(9), 887-896. Worden, J. W. (1996). Children and grief: When a parent dies. New York: Guilford Press.  

We've covered a number of episodes in the past that feed into this one, including Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys with Dr. Judy Chu (which focused on boys' understanding of masculinity in the preschool years), and Playing to Win with Dr. Hilary Levy Friedman (which looked at the lessons children learn from sports...which aren't really related to the sports themselves...).   And of course there are the two episodes on patriarchy; the interview with Dr. Carol Gilligan, as well as my conversation with listener Brian Stout about what we learned during the interview.   A few weeks ago listener Caroline and I interviewed Dr. Marnina Gonick on the topic of girls' relationships, which stemmed from the question 'why are middle/high school-aged girls so mean to each other?' but became much broader in scope as we looked at the cultural factors shaping girls' relationships. At the end of that conversation I asked Dr. Gonick if she knew anyone who was doing work similar to hers but looking at boys' relationships, and she did!   In today's conversation Caroline returns to co-interview Dr. Michael Kehler, who is Research Professor in Masculinities Studies at the Weklund School of Education at the University of Calgary. We discuss how masculinity isn't something that boys are; it's something they do, how the traditional interpretation of masculinity hurts our boys and girls, and what parents can do to support boys in engaging in alternative masculinities that allow them to feel more whole as people.   Dr. Michael Kehler's book Boys’ Bodies: Speaking the Unspoken - Affiliate link   Jump to highlights (03:31) What does it mean to be a boy (05:17) There is a type of masculinity that is perceived to be the most masculine (06:21) The problem with the phrase “Boys will be boys” (08:24) Understanding Masculine and Feminine binary (10:09) How much influence do gender stereotypes or gender norms around masculinity have on boys' relationships, particularly at school? (16:27) How mental and physical affection have shown up in boys' and men's relationships (21:37) Why do boys and men feel pressure to conform to traditional masculine norms? (23:38) Ways that girls regulated men's roles in society (27:49) How can gender diversity be supported (30:25) Boys seem to need action-based learning, rather than docile literacy-based tasks (33:54) The importance of disrupting thinking in supporting boys in their resistance to the norms of masculinity (40:07) Do boys desire close male-to-male friendships? (42:29) Power of discomfort as a learning opportunity   References: Anderson, E., Adams, A., & Rivers, I. (2012). “I kiss them because I love them”: The emergence of heterosexual men kissing in British institutes of education. Archives of Sexual Behavior 41(2), 421-430. Anderson, E. (2008). “I used to think women were weak”: Orthodox masculinity, gender segregation, and sport. Sociological Forum 23(2), 257-280. Burns, J., & Kehler, M. (2014). Boys, bodies, and negotiated school spaces: When boys fail the litmus test. Culture, Society & Masculinities 6(1), 3-18. Hayward, C., & Mac an Ghaill, M. (2013). Education and masculinities: Social, cultural, and global transformations. New York: Routledge. Kehler, M. (2010). Boys, books and homophobia: Exploring the practices and policies of masculinities in school. McGill Journal of Education 45(3), 351-370. Kehler, M.D. (2007). Hallway fears and high school friendships: the complications of young men (re)negotiating heterosexualized identities. Discourse: Studies in the cultural politics of education 28(2), 259-277. Kehler, M.D. & Martino, W. (2007). Questioning masculinities: Interrogating boys’ capacities for self-problematization in schools. Canadian Journal of Education 30(1), 90-112. Kehler, M.D., Davison, K.G., & Frank, B. (2005). Contradictions and tensions in the practice of masculinites in school: interrogating embodiment and ‘Good Buddy Talk.’ Journal of Curriculum Theorizing 21(4), 59-72. Kimmel, M. (2018). Masculinity and our common humanity: “Real” men versus “Good” men. In N. Way, A. Ali, C. Gilligan, & P. Noguera (Eds), The Crisis of Connection: Roots, Consequences, and Solutions (p.173-187). New York: New York University Press. Kimmel, M. (2004). Masculinity as homophobia: Fear, shame, and silence in the construction of gender identity. In P.F. Murphy (Ed)., Feminism & Masculinities (p.182-199). Oxford: Oxford University Press. Mac an Ghaill, M., & Hayward, C. (2011). Schooling, masculinity and class analysis: Towards an aesthetic of subjectivities. British Journal of Sociology of Education 32(5), 729-744. Mac an Ghaill, M. (1994). The making of men: Masculinities, sexualities, and schooling. Buckingham: Open University Press. Martino, W., & Kehler, M. (2006). Male teachers and the “Boy Problem” An issue of recuperative masculinity politics. McGill Journal of Education 41(2), 113-131. McCann, P.D., Minichiello, V., &amp

There are lots of books available now on how to talk with children about issues related to race, but Sarah W. Jaffe noticed a gap: there weren't any books geared toward non-academic audiences talking about how the choices that predominantly well-off, predominantly White parents make impact other people. From childcare choices to school to college, at every step of the way we make decisions that reflect Wanting What's Best for our own child, but very often these decisions are rooted in the fear of our child falling behind in some way, and when we try to elevate our own child we often do it at the expense of others.   Sarah's book uncovers the ideas that underlie the seemingly innocuous decisions we make so we can ensure that our choices are really aligned with our values. It also provides a great counterpoint to the book that I'm in the process of writing, which will be on the ways we either pass on or disrupt the tools of White supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism to our own children through the daily interactions we have with them that don't seem to be about anything related to these topics. Publication date September 2023: stay tuned!   Click here to order Sarah W. Jaffe's book Wanting What's Best: Parenting, Privilege, and Building a Just World (affiliate link).   Shownotes: (02:37) How our child should engage in the world. (03:57) Learn why our fears affects how we raise our children. (05:58) The importance of racism, patriarchy and capitalism conversation in our child. (07:42) The inadequacies in the system and issues with childcare wages during the 1960s. (10:07) Why is our Social Security System being unfair and unjust to farm laborers and domestic workers. (11:45) How should we deal with the childcare systems as privileged parents. (13:20) The ideal factors in choosing a daycare arrangement between public schools and private ones. (14:19) Is it a good idea to take the funds from one school and give it to the other schools. (17:17) How racial makeup of a school does play a big part in the perception of White parents when choosing a school. (18:57) The good benefits of exposing our kids to a school with a diverse student body. (19:43) The challenges we experienced as parents while working against racism. (23:05) Anti-racist work practices that we can start now. (25:29) The real picture of how colleges and universities consider students seeking financial aid. (31:42) Should we consider it a parenting failure if our child didn't attend college. (33:21) What it means to be a good activist. (35:56) How does social change start in volunteerism. (38:26) Money talks with our child. (40:17) Every part of how we live is infused with capitalism. (42:20) How would advocating for other children's rights in the same manner that we advocate for our own children make a better future generation.  

I've been wanting to do this episode for a loooong time. We covered episodes a long time ago on how children form social groups, and what happens when they exclude each other from play, but I wanted to do an episode exploring this issue related to slightly older girls, and from a cultural perspective. There are a lot of books and articles out there on the concept of mean girls and I wanted to understand more about that. Why are girls 'mean' to each other? Is it really a choice they're making...or is it a choice in response to a complex set of demands that we put on them about what it means to be female in our culture?   I had a really hard time finding anyone who was doing current research on the topic, and I mentioned this on a group coaching call in the Parenting Membership. A member, Caroline, said: “I know someone who can speak to this!”   Caroline had explored girls’ relationships in young adult literature for her master’s thesis, and knew Dr. Marnina Gonick’s work. Caroline introduced us, Dr. Gonick agreed to talk, and we all had a great conversation about girls’ role in our culture, how they are affected by it, and how they are agents of change as well. Dr. Gonick is Canada Research Chair in Gender and also holds a joint appointment in Education and Women’s Studies at Mount St. Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. She has written two books on the topic of girls’ relationships as well as a whole host of peer-reviewed articles.   Dr. Gonick also introduced me to an expert on boys’ relationships and we’re currently working to schedule an interview in a few weeks so there should be more to come on that soon!   Dr. Marnina Gonick’s Books: Young Femininity: Girlhood, Power and Social Change 2004th Edition Between Femininities: Ambivalence, Identity, and the Education of Girls (SUNY series, Second Thoughts: New Theoretical Formations) (Affiliate links).   Jump to highlights: (03:36) How changes in cultural norms influence our understanding of what it means to be a girl. (05:27) The way in which a change in behavior can help us understand the experiences of girls in general. (06:36) What does the school curriculum say about girls that causes them to be disadvantaged in schools. (08:35) How damaging it is for girls to be victims in a patriarchal society. (10:25) Why our social systems aren't necessarily organized around girls' well-being (12:50) The concept of girl power can be seen as either working for or against females. (14:46) The Social Barriers to Girl Power. (16:44) Criticisms of the movie "Mean Girls" and how they relate to the topic of empowering women in general. (18:34) The relational aggressiveness between boys and girls. (21:45) Why school cultures play a significant influence in bullying. (24:19) Finding acceptable ways for girls to show their relational aggression. (26:17) Factors that influences a child to become racist and disrespectful. (28:07) A growing number of institutions and businesses have taken an interest in the girl power movement. (31:34) Girls' ways of discovering their sense of identity/sexuality. (35:16) Different notions of sexiness in girls. (39:28) How heterosexuality highlights femininity. (41:24) Girls are going to be mean to each other human nature makes it inevitable. (43:37) How important is it to understand our feelings and the feelings of our children.   References: Aapola, S., Gonick, M., & Harris, A. (2005). Young femininity: Girlhood, power, and social change. Basingstoke: Palgrave MacMillan Bethune, J., & Gonick, M. (2017). Schooling the mean girl: A critical discourse analysis of teacher resource materials. Gender and Education 29(3), 389-404. Dellasega, C., & Nixon, C. (2003). Girl wars: 12 strategies that will end female bullying. New York: Fireside. Gonick, M. (2003). Between femininities: Ambivalence, identity, and the education of girls. Albany: State University of New York Press. Gonick, M. (2004). VII. The ‘mean girl’ crisis: Problematizing representations of girls’ friendships. Feminism & Psychology 14(3), 395-400. Gonick, M. (2006). Between “girl power” and “Reviving Ophelia”: Constituting the neoliberal girl subject. NWSA Journal 18(2), 1-23. Gonick, M., Renold, E., Ringrose, J., & Weems, L. (2009). Rethinking agency and resistance: What comes after Girl Power? Girlhood Studies 2(2), 1-9. Gonick, M., Vanner, C., Mitchell, C., & Dugal, A. (2021). ‘We want freedom not just safety’: Biography of a Girlfesto as a strategic tool in youth activism. Young 29(2), 101-118. Goodwin, M.H. (2006). The hidden life of girls; Games of stance, status, and exclusion. Malden: Blackwell. Kehily, M.J., Ghaill, M.M.A., Epstein, D., & Redman, P. (2002). Private girls and public worlds: Producing femininities in the primary school. Discourse: Studies in the Cultural Politics of Education 23(2), 167-177. Ludwig, T., & Adams, B. (2012). Confessions of a former bully. Decorah: Dragonfly. Renold, E. (20

I read a lot of textbooks on parenting for my Master’s in Psychology (Child Development), I’ve read tens of thousands of peer-reviewed papers on the topic, and part of the reason it’s hard work is that you can’t ever take things at face value. In her now classic book Deconstructing Developmental Psychology, Dr. Erica Burman explodes a number of our ideas about child development by calling our attention to what’s really going on in an interaction, rather than what we think is going on. For example, there’s a classic study where researchers put a baby on a solid surface which changed to glass, which had a design underneath implying that there was a ‘cliff edge’ that the baby would fall off if it went onto the glass. Researchers designed the experiment to find out what babies could understand about depth perception, but perhaps what they were actually testing was the extent to which the mother’s encouragement or lack of encouragement (and it was always the mother) could entice the baby across the ‘gap.’ These kinds of confounds exist throughout the research base, and because we’re not taught to look below the surface it can be easy to accept the results at face value. Dr. Burman specializes in looking below the surface so we can examine: what are we really trying to understand here? And in doing this, are we reinforcing the same old ideas about ‘success’ that aren’t really serving us now, never mind our children in the future? Dr. Erica Burman’s Book: Deconstructing Developmental Psychology 3rd Edition Developments: Child, Image, Nation (Affiliate links). Jump to highlights: (01:12) The contribution of Professor Erica Burman to psychology. (03:05) First studies about Childhood Development. (04:26) How general philosophical questions are linked in child studies. (07:42) Childhood as a distinct social category. (09:10) The Concept of Human Interiority and Childhood. (10:17) Our hopes, fears, and fantasies about childhood reflect our ideas about our lost selves. (13:23) How the study of child development shifted when behaviorism came into play. (16:28) We assume psychology is connected with child development. (18:27) Importance of Democratic Parenting in our society. (19:57) Developmental researchers oppressed working mothers and middle-class mothers. (22:23) Impacts of authoritarian regimes in our parenting. (27:19) Using visual cliff as an experiment in understanding depth perception in children. (29:06) A child is functioning within a dynamic system of people and objects and everything around it. (31:02) Mother’s appear as the sort of a presumed natural environment to children. (33:11) Nuclear family performs ideological functions for Capitalism. (37:00) Whether or not spanking should be banned. (38:09) The ways environments inhibit certain behaviors. (39:19) How welfare policies have affected families. (42:27) Discussing the important discourses in parenting’s social and political issues in the book DDP.   [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]   Emma 00:04 Hi, I’m Emma, and I’m listening from the UK we all want our children to lead fulfilled lives. But we’re surrounded by conflicting information and clickbait headlines that leave us wondering what to do as parents. The Your Parenting Mojo podcast is still scientific research on parenting and child development into tools parents can actually use everyday in their real lives with their real children. If you’d like to be notified when new episodes are released, and get a free infographic on the 13 reasons your child isn’t listening to you and what to do about each one, just head on over to YourParentingmojo.com/subscribe, and pretty soon you’re going to get tired of hearing my voice read this intro so come and record one yourself at YourParentingmojo.com/recordtheintro   Jen Lumanlan 00:45 Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. Today we’re going to take a dive into a topic that cuts across many of the ideas that we discuss here on the podcast. We’re going to take a critical look at the topic of Developmental Psychology as a whole and what we can learn about it when we raise our eyes up off the specific topics like theory of mind, and language development, and attachment that we often spend a lot of time delving into and consider the topics that these sit within. My guest for the conversation is Professor Erica Berman. Professor Berman is Professor of Education at the University of Manchester, an Associate Fellow of the British Psychological Society and the United Kingdom Council of Psychotherapists, and a registered Group Analyst. She trained as a developmental psychologist and is well known as a critical developmental psychologist specializing in innovative and activist qualitative research. Her research is focused on critical development and educational psychology, feminist and postcolonial theory, childhood studies on critical mental health practice, particularly around gender and cultural i

For the first time, in this episode I bow out and and let listeners Jenny and Emma take over, who wanted to share how they’ve been supporting each other over the last few months.   They started from pretty different points: Emma wasn’t having parenting struggles, but often over-communicated with her husband and he would stonewall in response, agreeing to whatever she asked so she would stop talking. Then he would resist later, and she couldn’t understand why…because he had agreed, right?   Jenny’s sleep had been disturbed by her child for more than four years…she was exhausted, and had no idea how to deal with her rage-filled kindergartener who would hit her whenever he was upset.   Neither of them had much confidence that being on a Zoom call together for 40 minutes a week would help them.   Emma and her husband now communicate in a way that meets both of their needs, and can navigate the challenges that come up with their preschooler.   Jenny is sleeping! And she has learned how deep listening and true empathy help her son to feel really heard…and incidents that used to lead to 45 minute meltdowns that would disrupt the rest of the day are now over in 10 minutes, and are actually connecting for them.   Jenny and Emma did all this with a bit of information from me…but mostly by being fully present for each other in a small ‘village’ of parents, inside the slightly larger village of the Parenting Membership.   If you want help to break down the changes you want to make into tiny manageable steps and be held (gently!) accountable for taking them (or adjusting course if needed…), we’d love to have you join the three of us plus a group of likeminded parents in the membership.   Get the information you need and the support to actually implement it, all in what members call “the least judgmental corner of the internet.”   The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!     Jump to highlights: 01:00 Jenny and Emma came up with the idea to record an episode for the podcast to talk about how their parenting has changed over the last year. 01:55 Emma wasn’t having major problems, but wanted to be prepared for the challenges that may happen down the road. 02:36 Jenny was struggling because she hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in 4 ½ years…and now prioritizes herself through the support of Emma and the members of the ACTion group. 03:55 An open Invitation to join the Parenting Membership. 04:45 Because Emma is a high achiever, she imagined parenthood to be a breeze. 06:57 Jenny believed that if you are prepared and serene, and you bring this calm energy to your pregnancy, you will have an easy child. 08:24 The lack of understanding of our values is what causes us to be conflicted about becoming parents. 12:00Our child’s big feelings are their way of letting us know that they are not okay. 14:30 It's great to have a community who we can trust, and who will support and respect our values 16:30 The ACTion group conversation once a week gives parents a foundation to parent more intentionally 18:26 Emma used the problem-solving method to find a solution for her child's resistance during nail cutting by trying to hypothesize her child’s feelings. 20:17 Needs can be met when you remove the ‘shoulds.’ 25:31 Jenny’s parenting has been a lot less tense over the past year and a half, which was a wonderful surprise. 30:48 Jenny saw big changes when she used a deep listening technique with her son during an episode of intense anger and frustration, which ended the episode much more quickly than usual! 37:25 It's life-changing to see a profound change in our children and ourselves when both of our needs are fulfilled.  

Adrianna and Tim had read all the parenting books. (And I mean ALL the books.)   But NOTHING seemed to be working.   They were still feeling frustrated with their kids on a very regular basis.   And their kids were fighting what seemed like every second of the day.   They joined the Parenting Membership last May, and the transformation our community has seen in them has been profound.   The shift started after we had a consult about their youngest daughter’s difficult behavior, which we realized was a sign of her unmet needs. (I do these 1:1 (or 1:2!) consults on a regular basis for members when I see them struggling with an issue that just can’t be addressed in writing.)   Ideas percolated. They increased the amount of 1:1 time they were spending with her, doing things she liked to do.   They attended a couple of group coaching calls and we talked more about their specific situation.   Things improved a bit.   But then it all came to a head when Adrianna posted in the community about her children’s fighting, which had become more intense than ever.   A whole lot of parents chimed in with ideas to support them, which are grounded in the ideas I’d previously discussed with her - but sometimes you need to hear things in a different way, with stories from parents who have just recently been through the same difficult stuff you’re experiencing, and they made it out the other side.   Suddenly something clicked for Adrianna. She started to see her children’s needs in a way she hadn’t before, and she started having super explicit conversations with them about their needs, and also her needs.   And then the magic started to happen, firstly in interactions between either Adrianna or Tim and their oldest child, Bodhi:   Then the two children began using these problem solving tools between themselves. All of a sudden these two children who had literally been tearing each other’s hair out could identify their own needs, and each other’s needs, and find solutions that work for both of them. And they’re five and three years old!   And all of this happened in what Adrianna calls the most supportive, least judgmental corner of the internet:   I invited Adrianna and Tim to tell us about their journey on the podcast.   Their response - delivered in unison - when I asked them: “So you’d read all the books, and you had so many doubts that ANYTHING could work for you…so why on earth did you join the membership?” was priceless.   Parenting Membership If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.   The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!     Jump to highlights: 01:46 Overview of Adrianna and Tim's membership journey. 04:18 An open invitation to join the Parenting Membership. 06:06 Growing up in a dysfunctional household was not uncommon for either Adrianna or Tim. 08:57 Adrianna and Tim believed they were the best parents of the year until they began to sink. 10:10 The anger and irrationality that Tim displays toward Adrianna as a result of his frustrations. 11:03 How Adrianna was managing her mental health issues while also navigating the challenges presented by her two challenging children. 12:45 Tim and Adrianna are frustrated since they've tried everything to make parenthood work. 14:04 The Parenting Membership was the only hope for Adriana and Tim. 18:07 The significant impact on our child when we step down from their level. 19:15 How Adrianna was able to meet the needs of both of her children at the same moment. 22:14 Bodie and Remy practicing the ways in which both of their needs can be fulfilled. 25:27 The result of Adriana and Tim's child's unmet demand for his father. 26:49 Tim’s experience in learning different methods of parenting and his perspective on whether dads should really do this job. 28:13 Adriana and Tim's positive outlook for the future. 31:21 How the membership and tools help Adrianna and Tim strengthen their marriage 32:47 Adrianna’s shift from not seeing her needs as valid to having the confidence in understanding what her needs are.  

Recently someone posted a question in one of my communities: “Is it really so wrong to want my child to just LISTEN to me sometimes? It seems like such a no-no in gentle parenting circles, and I’m worried that my child is growing up to be entitled and won’t know how to respect authority when they really HAVE to.” Parent Chrystal gave such a beautiful and eloquent response to this question that I asked her to come back on the show (her first visit was last year) to talk us through how she approaches getting her (three! spirited!) children to listen to her…and what tools she uses instead.And this doesn’t end up creating entitled children who refuse to cooperate with any authority figure; in fact, her most spirited child was called a “conscientious and rule-abiding upstanding model student” by her teacher (which just about made Chrystal laugh out loud). Chrystal has been on this respectful parenting journey for a while now, but I learned during this interview that she first interacted with me in the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop, where she started transforming a lot of the battles she was having with her children into a collaborative, cooperative relationship.   Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits If you want to make your own transformation from a relationship where your child JUST DOESN’T LISTEN to one where you have mutual care and respect for each other’s needs, then the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you. Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.   Click the banner to learn more.     Jump to highlights: 02:37 Reasons we get triggered when our child isn’t listening to us. 03:38 An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop. 04:50 Chrystal's manifestation that her parenting is effective. 06:06 Saying NO to our child isn’t necessarily the right answer. 06:57 Challenges that Chrystal had as someone who was brought up in a religious family. 07:58 At a young age, Chrystal was responsible for the needs of her mother and siblings. 09:58 How resilience will play a big role in our children. 10:50 Impacts on our child for having a lot of control and compliance. 11:20 Chrystal’s transition from being controlled to having freedom and autonomy. 12:26 As a result of having a strong-willed children, Chrystal experiences a lot pushback and challenges. 15:08 When to set limits and boundaries to our children. 18:04 Ways to navigate our younger child when we need to take a pause in a situation. 19:07 The difference between setting limits and boundaries. 21:15 The importance of respectful parenting. 23:09 Using body cues instead of saying NO. 25:30 Introduction to Problem Solving Conversation: Nonjudgmental Observation 26:33 Finding solutions that is grounded in meeting our needs, and the needs of our children as well. 31:02 Our children's resistance creates a "US VS. THEM" scenario. 36:39 The unique needs of having multiple children. 37:47 The lessons that Chrystal learned from the book called Siblings Without Rivalry. 41:58 White presenting child plays a big role in changing the systems. 45:38 Chrystal’s children showing their amazing empathy and respect for one another.

“On average, authoritative parents spanked just as much as the average of all other parents. Undoubtedly, some parents can be authoritative without using spanking but we have no evidence that all or even most parents can achieve authoritative parenting without an occasional spank.”   I was fascinated by this statement, since authoritative parenting is the best style. We know it’s the best, right?   I mean, everyone says it is. Including me and who was the co-author on this paper this statement comes from? None other than Dr. Diana Baumrind, creator of the Parenting Styles (although they weren’t called that then; they were originally called the Models of Parental Control. Just to make sure we’re on the same page here, I’m going to say that again: Dr. Diana Baumrind, who created the parenting styles/model of parental control, says you can’t achieve the parenting style that has the ‘best’ outcomes for children without an occasional spank.   So in this episode we dig pretty deeply into what makes up the parenting styles, and what Dr. Baumrind and others found about the effectiveness of these styles, and what impacts they had on children. (And I have to warn you now, the samples sizes we’re looking at to ‘prove’ that authoritative is the best parenting style are going to make your stomach churn.)   Questions this episode will answer What are the parenting styles that Dr. Diana Baumrind identified? Dr. Baumrind originally identified three parenting styles in her groundbreaking research: Authoritarian (high control, low warmth)Permissive (low control, high warmth)Authoritative (high control, high warmth). Later, other researchers added a fourth style—Uninvolved or Neglectful parenting (low control, low warmth). This completes the two-by-two grid framework we know today. The episode explores what Baumrind actually meant by these categories. They might not be helpful for modern parents trying to build healthy relationships with their children. What's the difference between parenting styles and parental control? Were they originally the same thing? Many parents don't realize that what we now call "parenting styles" began as Dr. Baumrind's study of "Models of Parental Control." This shows that her research focused on how parents exercise authority over children. She wasn't looking to describe all possible parenting approaches. Most experts - including me! - just replicate what everyone else says: Authoritative is the best parenting style. But when we dig deeper we find that authoritative might not be as great as most experts claim. Why does everyone say authoritative parenting is the best style? Authoritative parenting is widely promoted as the gold standard. It supposedly balances firm boundaries with emotional warmth. Decades of research have shown that authoritative is the best of the three (later four) parenting styles that Dr. Baumrind identified. But there’s no evidence that these are the only possible parenting styles. Dr. Baumrind herself found another style that she called ‘harmonious’ but she chose not to explore it. Researchers have just accepted that there are only four styles. Within these four, authoritative is often (but not always) best for children. How large were the sample sizes in Dr. Baumrind's original parenting styles research? The sample sizes in Dr. Baumrind's original research were shockingly small. You might then question how such an influential idea became so widely accepted on such limited evidence. This is a perfect example of why we should critically examine even the most established parenting theories. Is authoritative best in all cultures and circumstances? Authoritative parenting is often presented as universally ideal. The episode examines how different cultural contexts value different parenting approaches. What works well in one cultural setting might not transfer to another. An emphasis on authoritative parenting often reflects Euro-centric values and assumptions. The podcast explores this cultural dimension and challenges the one-size-fits-all recommendation. What alternative approaches to parent-child relationships does the episode suggest? The episode introduces alternatives that move beyond the control-based framework of the traditional parenting styles. We explore approaches that honor both parent and child needs. We don't have to default to authoritarian control or permissive lack of boundaries. These alternative frameworks offer a more nuanced understanding of the parent-child relationship.   What you'll learn in this episode The widely accepted "authoritative” parenting style might not actually be the best approachDr. Diana Baumrind created the parenting 'styles.' Surprisingly, she thought authoritative parents should spank their children.We'll describe the 2x2 grid of parenting styles, which describe parents' warmth and control. Each one describes a particular parenting style and how parents using that style interact with their kids.The original r

In her book Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home, Toko-pa Turner talks about the disconnection we feel from others, as well as from our own selves, because of the experiences we’ve had in our childhood. While Toko-pa’s childhood was traumatic by any definition, even those of us who didn’t experience severe trauma were told - either verbally or non-verbally: You’re not enough. You’re not good enough. Or even: You’re too much.And we shut off that part of us, whatever it was. Our sense of joy, our creativity, our need for autonomy.   We set aside those needs so we could be accepted by our family, whose love we craved more than anything in the world.But that doesn’t mean we need to always live our lives in this way. We can accept the pain and suffering we’ve experienced, and incorporate that into new, more whole ways of being in the world. A big part of this is finding a new relationship with our needs - seeing them, understanding them, being willing to articulate them. Being willing to ask for help in meeting our needs - from our children, our partners, and our communities. Toko-pa points out that our culture teaches us that the giver is in the position of strength; they are rich and secure and don’t need anyone’s help. The receiver is the weak, poor, needy one (the whole thing smacks of femininity, doesn’t it?). So to be in the position of strength we give and give and give until we don’t have anything left.But we have needs too, and we deserve to have these met, and to invite others to help us meet them - and this episode helps us to get started.I want to remind you of a couple of upcoming opportunities if you see that your own needs are not being met right now.   Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits If you want to make your own transformation from a relationship where your child JUST DOESN’T LISTEN to one where you have mutual care and respect for each other’s needs, then the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.   Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.   Click the banner to learn more.     Toko-Pa Turner's Book Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home (Affiliate Link).   Jump to highlights: 02:18 We create separation because we worry that we won’t be acceptable to the world. 02:50 An open invitation to join the free Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits Workshop. 05:01 Toko-Pa’s quest for belonging leaves her hungry for her mother's love and recognition. 06:38 Our first experiences of not belonging come at the hands of our families 08:51 Due to the dogma we have lived, we learn to hide, dismiss, or separate our feelings that are not valued 12:03 The desire to teach our child a lesson comes from our own pain, resulting from our own trauma. 13:25 Women are raised with extensive cultural history programming that dictates how a proper lady should behave. 18:54 The Death Mother is an archetype that represents a mother who takes control of her children's narrative lives in order to overcome her own traumas. 24:12 Being a mother has no worth in our culture, because they live to serve their children. 26:50 We gain a sense of belonging when we can help others. 33:43 The fear and shame associated with being an imposition on others. 37:44 You burden people when you show that you are in pain and in need. 42:00 Being seen is a paradox. It's the thing that we want more than anything, but we fear it more than anything too. 48:22 The purpose of our dreams. 54:53 Belonging to yourself to those who need you - both human and other-than-human.

I don’t know about you, but I spent a LOT of time thinking about my birth plan before Carys was born. I mean, that thing went through multiple iterations as I read new books about the birth process and thought about what I wanted mine to be like.   And I got lucky; we didn’t stray too far from the plan (except that that whole ‘urge to push’ thing? Well I never felt that. It seemed like she was quite happy where she was. Perhaps that explains why she enjoys being wrapped in fluffy blankets so much?)   So I put all this effort into what the Big Day would be like, and practically zero into what life would be like afterward.   I mean, we got the nursery ready without realizing that she wasn’t going to spend any time in it at all for the first three months.   And the whole visitors thing - well that didn’t even cross my mind.   I guess I just assumed that people would come and visit, because that’s what people do after you have a baby.   But most of the time I didn’t want visitors!   I spent a good chunk of the first 10 days in tears.   (In fact my husband and I had a mini-celebration at bedtime on the 10th day because it was the first time I hadn’t cried since she was born.)   Sometimes I was able to get dressed and greet people…other times I was curled up in bed crying while my husband did the entertaining.   The idea of saying “no visitors yet please” simply didn’t cross my mind.   That’s what we discuss in today’s episode with Renee Reina of The Mom Room. She was lucky enough to have her Mom living close by when she had her baby, who became her gatekeeper - friends and family would check in with Renee’s Mom before coming over.   Renee was able to create the calm, peaceful environment at home that she wanted to bring baby into - and re-engage with the world on her own terms, when she was ready.   In this episode we talk about how to make those early days of motherhood work for you and your family - no matter what social conventions say are the right things to do.   Jump to highlights 01:36 Introduction of episode 06:37 What was birth like for Renee 13:14 How was it like to navigate people who want to see the baby 21:10 Renee’s routine in taking care of the baby 29:22 White supremacy and capitalism 30:42 Maternal gatekeeping 31:28 Murder tendencies during postpartum 38:26 Advice for parent afterbirth 41:47 Realization during the episode   [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]   Jen Lumanlan 00:02 Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We all want our children to lead fulfilling lives, but it can be   Jenny 00:09 so do you get tired of hearing the same old interest in podcast episodes? I don't really But Jen thinks you might. I'm Jenny, a listener from Los Angeles, testing out a new way for listeners to record the introductions to podcast episodes. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development, but puts it in context for you as well. So you can decide whether and how to use this new information. I listen because parenting can be scary and it's reassuring to know what the experts think. If you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox along with a free infographic on 13 reasons your child isn't listening to you and what to do about each one. Sign up at YourParentingMojo.com/subscribe. You can also join the free Facebook group to continue the conversation. Over time you might get sick of hearing me read this intro so come and record one yourself. You can read from a script gents provided or have some real fun with it and write your own. Just go to your parenting mojo.com forward slash record the intro. I can't wait to hear yours.   Jen Lumanlan 01:26 Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. Today we're going to look at another topic that we can file under things I'd never given a moment's thought about before Carys was born, which is what those early days at home were going to be like. Looking back on it, I have really have no idea why my preparation for her birth literally stopped at her birth, and didn't give a moment's thought to what would happen even in the immediate days afterwards. And I have to say, I felt really lost. I cried every day for the first 10 days. And on day four, it was pretty much continual from start to finish. And thank goodness, my good friend, Michelle had told me there would be a lot of hormone rebalancing on that day, so I knew it was coming. Otherwise, I would have thought I was actually falling apart. Things did get a bit better over the following days. And on day 10, my husband and I had a little celebration at bedtime because it was the first day since she had been born that I didn't cry. If you're expecting a baby in the coming months, or if you have one under the age of one, then the right from the start c

We've already covered a couple of episodes on sleep, including the cultural issues associated with sleep, then more recently we talked with Dr. Chris Winter about his book The Rested Child where we looked at sleep issues in older children.   But if you have a young child who isn't sleeping well, from the baby stage all the way up to about preschool, this episode is for you! My guest is Macall Gordon, senior lecturer in the Department of Psychology at Antioch University Seattle, and who has studied young children's sleep for 20 years. She's particularly interested in the intersection between children's temperament and their sleep, and how parents of the children she calls 'little livewires' can support these children so everyone gets more sleep.   If you have questions about sleep training - particularly when and how to do it - this episode is for you!     Jump to highlights 01:25 Introduction of episode 05:15 Age range of a child to be sleep-trained 16:15 What it's like to be a parent in a sleep training study 17:30 The active ingredient to sleep coaching 29:00 The differences of how babies sleep through the night 37:20 Only one method in sleep training the child 40:21 Limit setting disorder 48:54 Realization on the episode   [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Jen Lumanlan 00:02 Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We all want our children to lead fulfilling lives, but it can be so   Jenny 00:09 Do you get tired of hearing the same old interest in podcast episodes? I don't really but Jen thinks you might. I'm Jenny, a listener from Los Angeles, testing out a new way for listeners to record the introductions to podcast episodes. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development but puts it in context for you as well. So you can decide whether and how to use this new information. I listen because parenting can be scary and it's reassuring to know what the experts think. If you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox, along with a free infographic on 13 reasons your child isn't listening to you and what to do about each one. Sign up at YourParentingMojo.com/subscribe. You can also join the free Facebook group to continue the conversation. Over time you might get sick of hearing me read this intro so come and record one yourself. You can read from a script Jen provided or have some real fun with it and write your own. Just go to YourParentingMojo.com/recordtheintro. I can't wait to hear yours.   Jen Lumanlan 01:26 Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. Today we are going to be talking about a topic that we have addressed a number of times recently. We're coming back for another go at it from a different angle. We're looking at sleep and specifically this time we're looking at sleep training. Before we do that, I wanted to let you know that I am reopening the course that I ran with Hannah and Kelty from Upbringing in a few weeks and it's called right from the start. And it's really about how to get parenting right for you from the start, rather than that, there is one right way to parent. And so we cover all the essential topics that are really relevant to parenting in baby's first year, from sleeping to feeding to supporting physical, mental and emotional development. But the parents who have taken the course tell us that the part that they really needed that they didn't know they needed was the part that really speaks about "What is my experience as a parent? What are my needs as a parent? And how do I get those met along with meeting my baby's needs as well?" So, the course is designed for both first-time parents as well as those who have a child already and who know that parenting cannot be the same with this child as it has been with previous children because we don't have enough hands to go around. There isn't enough of us to give this child the same experiences our previous children have had. So enrollment for right from the start is open between April 3rd and 13th and we all start together as a group on Monday, April 18. So, gift certificates are also available, so if a new baby is not in your present or in your future, then you may find that it makes a great gift for somebody if you're going to a shower or potentially an even an early Mother's Day gift for somebody who's important in your life. So if you would like to help somebody in your life to get the right start for them with their baby, then I invite you to go to YourParentingMojo.com/rightfromthestart to learn more. Today I’m here with Macall Gordon, who is the senior lecturer in the Department of Psychology at Antioch University Seattle. And she has been interested in the topic of baby sleep for over 20 years now. And it's a topic that took her back to graduate school in 2001. She's a certified gentle sleep coach at her

The band The Alphabet Rockers consists of lead members Kaitlin McGaw and Tommy Shepherd, and a multi-racial group of children who are also involved in writing and performing. They write about their real lived experiences and their desire to live in a world where everyone belongs. Kaitlin and Tommy are actually fellows at the Othering and Belonging Institute, run by Dr. jon powell, whose work I really respect and whom we interviewed in the episode on othering. They also do work in schools - in an hour-long program they work with a class to compose a song, which gives children the experience not just of songwriting, but of truly being heard and having their ideas respected. Kaitlin and Tommy have now written a children's book called You Are Not Alone, which we discussed in the episode - along with a host of other juicy topics related to parenting...and racism...and White supremacy...   Jump to highlights 01:37 Introducing the guest speakers 04:45 Each song has its journey 14:30 The importance of centering children's experience in creating a culture of belonging 19:30 Practices that are intentionally brought into your family or practices that you have let go of in your family   [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Jen Lumanlan 00:02 Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We all want our children to lead fulfilling lives, but it can be so   Jenny 00:10 do you get tired of hearing the same old interests to podcast episodes? I don't really But Jen thinks you might. I'm Jenny, a listener from Los Angeles, testing out a new way for listeners to record the introductions to podcast episodes. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development but puts it in context for you as well, so you can decide whether and how to use this new information. I listen because parenting can be scary and it's reassuring to know what the experts think. If you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox, along with a free infographic on 13 reasons your child isn't listening to you and what to do about each one. Sign up at YourParentingMojo.com/subscribe. You can also join the free Facebook group to continue the conversation. Over time you might get sick of hearing me read this intro so come and record one yourself. You can read from a script Jen provided or have some real fun with it and write your own. Just go to YourParentingMojo.com/RecordTheIntro. I can't wait to hear yours   Jen Lumanlan 01:33 Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. Today we are going to do something I think that we've never done before. I don't believe we have had Grammy-nominated people on the show before so I'm excited for that. We are welcoming Tommy Shepherd and Caitlin McGraw who are co-creators of the Grammy nominated Alphabet Rockers and they have quickly become an important voice for today's youth curating content centered on children's voices and social justice issues like racism and gender inclusion. Their Grammy-nominated album “Rise Shine #Woke” inspired kids to stand up to hate and they have a second Grammy-nominated album “Love” which lifts up the voices of trans-two-spirit and gender nonconforming communities. They recently received a third Grammy nomination for “Shine” (melanin remix) featured on all one tribe, which is nominated for a best children's album. And now they've now written a picture book called You Are Not Alone, which empowers kids to love themselves and their identities stand up to hate, and have each other's backs no matter what. And the book looks at how children can feel others because of their race, gender, culture, and other factors and how they can navigate discrimination, and find strengths from their friends and allies. Welcome, Tommy and Kaitlin, so great to have you here.   Tommy 02:39 Thank you happy to be here.   Kaitlin 02:42 Let's go   Jen Lumanlan 02:41 All right, so I think the first thing that struck me when I was listening to your work is there are not so many intergenerational bands out there. How did you get started? And why did you choose music as your mechanism to get these ideas out into the world?   Kaitlin 02:55 Yeah, well, we had been working in the schools independently and when we came together with alphabet rockers initially, actually, it was, you know, kind of subversive, we knew that hip hop was a cultural space for belonging, actually, and for expression. And so we were bringing hip hop into the schools in a way that we felt really served all children and quickly realized that articulating and being very specific with the adults about what inclusion is required all framework, so we shifted our mission statement, and since 2015 we have been making music intentionally that makes change. So each song holds a question that our children pose to us that we see as community agents for chang

This episode is a continuation of the series on the intersection of children and food. We've also heard from Dr. Lindo Bacon on busting myths about fat, Dr. Michael Goran on how sugar affects our children, Dr. Karen Throsby with a more high-level view on the sugar topic, and Ellyn Satter on her Division of Responsibility approach.   My guest in this episode, Dr. Shiri Sadeh-Sharvit, co-author with Dr. James Lock of Parents with Eating Disorders: An Intervention Guide. The book is written for professionals but it's short and very approachable and may be beneficial for parents who are navigating disordered eating as well.   In the episode we discuss: The impacts of disordered eating on children's health and wellbeing (which were more extensive than even I had realized) The ways that disordered eating impact our parenting How parents can begin to heal so these patterns don't get passed down to the next generation   Jump to highlights 01:29 Introduction of episode 03:32 Where did eating disorder come from 10:37 Imbalance between maternal stressors and maternal resources 14:15 Ranges of eating disorder 15:20 How eating disorders show on pregnant women 15:56 Average age of eating disorder onset 19:06 Characteristics of infants after the pregnant mother experiences eating disorder 23:53 What transitions do we see as a child is getting older 31:16 What outcomes among children whose parents struggle with eating disorder 32:48 Eating disorder can display the desire for weight loss 34:55 Parent-based prevention and its main theoretical contacts 43:11 Advice that Dr. Shiri Sadeh-Sharvit wanted to give to parents 44:48 Advocacy of the program   Dr. Shiri Sadeh-Sharvit's Book: Parents with Eating Disorders: An Intervention Guide (Affiliate link).   References: Sadeh-Sharvit, S., & Lock, J. (2019). Parents with eating disorders: An intervention guide. New York: Routledge. Sadeh-Sharvit, S., Levy-Schiff, R., Feldman, T., Ram, A., Gur, E., Zubery, E., Steiner, E., Latzer, Y., & Lock, J.D. (2015). Child feeding perceptions among mothers with eating disorders. Appetite 95, 67-73. Sadeh-Sharvit, S., Levy-Schiff, R., Arnow, K.D., & Lock, J.D. (2015). The impact of maternal eating disorders and spousal support on neurodevelopmental trajectories in their toddlers. Abnormal and Behavioral Psychology 1(1), 1000102. Sadeh-Sharvit, S., Levy-Shiff, R., & Lock, J.D. (2015). Maternal eating disorder history and toddlers’ neurodevelopmental outcomes: A brief report. Eating Disorders 24(2), 198-205. Sadeh-Sharvit, S., Levy-Schiff, R., Arnow, K.D., & Lock, J.D. (2016). The interactions of mothers with eating disorders with their toddlers: Identifying broader risk factors. Attachment & Human Development 18(4), 418-428. Sadeh-Sharvit, S., Zybery, E., Mankovski, E., Steiner, E., & Lock, J.D. (2016). Parent-based prevention program for the children of mothers with eating disorders: Feasibility and preliminary outcomes. Eating Disorders 23(4), 312-325. Sadeh-Sharvit, S., Sacks, M.R., Runfola, C. Bulik,C.M., & Lock, J.D. (2020). Interventions to empower adults with eating disorders and their partners around the transition to parenthood. Family Processes 59(4), 1407-1422.

One day Iris took her daughter to the park, with enough snacks with for both of them. When Iris got hungry, she asked her daughter to share some of the food - but her daughter refused. Iris knows that hunger is a factor that dramatically narrows her Window of Tolerance and makes it more likely that she’ll snap at her child’s behavior, so she asked again for food and again her daughter refused.   Then out of nowhere a crow swooped down and tried to steal some of the food, causing the whole lot to fall on the ground - and Iris exploded. She was so angry that she felt a hot energy coming from her gut, and her daughter is standing in the park with tears flooding down her face, because Iris yelled at her.   And then, of course, the guilt and shame spiral begins: “What am I doing? Why am I so angry? And why can’t I stop?”   Now, Iris is in a very different place. She’s not perfect, of course - none of us are. But even Iris, the raised-Catholic-and-prone-to-unworthiness-and-guilt-tripping specialist, has found a different path.   She no longer has to convince herself that she’s worthy of having her needs met - she knows she is, and she holds her own needs with equal care as her daughter’s needs.   Because her needs are met on a regular basis, she’s able to respond to her daughter’s age-appropriate difficult behavior with compassion and empathy.   And because she’s able to do this most of the time, she doesn’t need to get into the guilt and shame spiral nearly as often. (And on the few occasions when it does still happen, she knows how to treat herself with compassion as well, instead of beating herself up for screwing up.)   Do you want to make this kind of shift in your own life? Do you often feel triggered by your child’s behavior? My Taming Your Triggers workshop, which has helped thousands of parents to not just remember a new script for the difficult moments, but to truly take on a new way of being in their relationships with their children - just like Iris has done.   Click the banner to sign up!     Jump to highlights 01:43 Introduction about the guest 08:00 Iris’ childhood impression 15:15 What would Iris say to a person experiencing extreme anger 20:40 Iris’ experience in taking the workshop 26:45 What Iris learned in the workshop 33:56 How was it different today than before for Iris 40:59 Transformations that Iris experienced

We’ve covered the topic of boundaries before, in our conversation with Xavier Dagba. In my work with parents, I see that an inability to set boundaries is a MAJOR cause of feeling triggered by our child’s behavior.   When we snap at our child’s behavior, it often (not always, but often) comes somewhat later in the day.   There’s a reason for that: it’s because we haven’t been able to set boundaries early in the day, so each time our child crosses where a boundary should have been, we get more and more irritated. Then finally we can’t take it any more - and after one last not-boundary crossing, we snap.   (If you snap early in the day, I’d ask you to consider what boundaries were crossed for you the day (or many days) before, and whether you’re still feeling the effects of that?)   So we’ve discussed this before, and yet…boundaries continue to be a struggle for almost all of the parents I meet. Why is this?   We’ll get into that in this episode, which draws on Nedra Tawwab’s book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, and goes beyond it too. Nedra outlines nine reasons why we find setting boundaries so difficult, and I argue that’s because all nine are rooted in patriarchal ways of being in relationships.   When we’ve been conditioned for decades that our role as women is not to seem rude or mean, to keep the peace at all costs, to make sure everyone else’s needs are taken care of before our own, and to have our power in a relationship come from taking care of others, is it any wonder that we go out into the world and have no idea how to even know we need a boundary, never mind how to set one?   And secondly I argue that while we might need more boundaries between us and the people we love, that we have WAY TOO MANY boundaries between us and the people in our broader communities. That’s one big reason why we feel so stressed out all the time - because it seems like we are the only person that can meet our child’s every need, and that we have to do it all alone. I believe that by breaking these boundaries down we can make life a whole lot easier for ourselves by reducing the number of things we need to do (meal swap, anyone?), and by creating connection that helps us to feel nourished and whole.   If you’re struggling with knowing how to identify and set boundaries, I’d like to invite you to join the Taming Your Triggers workshop.   We’ll help you to identify your needs so you can work with your child to get these met and meet your child’s needs as well (and even though this might seem impossible right now, it actually is possible to meet both of your needs the vast majority of the time!).   And on the relatively few times when it isn’t possible to meet both of your needs, you can set a boundary instead (which is different from a limit!). When you do this consistently, you can be more regulated more of the time, which means you won’t snap at your child as often as you do now.   Click the banner to learn more!     Jump to highlights 01:32 Introducing today’s episode 05:15 Invitation to Taming Your Triggers workshop 09:29 The distinction between ‘boundaries’ and ‘limits’ in the context of parenting 15:35 The challenges adults face in setting boundaries, attributing difficulty to childhood experiences 23:40 Nine common reasons that may hinder individuals from setting effective boundaries 26:28 The challenges of setting boundaries, particularly for female-identifying parents, attributing the difficulty to societal expectations rooted in gender roles 36:04 The impact of societal forces, such as capitalism, patriarchy, and white supremacy, on parenting and the tendency to resort to consumerism as a coping mechanism 42:01 The emphasis on the importance of listening to one's body as a starting point for setting boundaries   Episodes referenced 094: Using nonviolent communication to parent more peacefullySYPM 009: How to Set Boundaries in Parenting124: The Art of Holding Space   References Birdsong, M. (2020). How we show up: Reclaiming family, friendship and community. New York: Hachette. hooks, b. (2014). Talking back: Thinking feminist, thinking Black. Abingdon: Routledge.

"I was spanked and I turned out fine."   How many times have you heard this defense of spanking children? But what does the research tell us about spanking effectiveness, child discipline, and long-term consequences?   My guest, Professor Andrew Grogan-Kaylor from the University of Michigan, has extensively researched physical punishment and argues that spanking should be classified as an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE)—a marker of severe trauma. When we examine spanking closely, we're discussing hitting another human being, something we'd never accept between adults. As Dr. Grogan-Kaylor points out, parents typically spank when frustrated or angry, making it virtually impossible to administer in a truly "controlled" way.   In the episode, we also discuss how, due to the way that a quirk in one researcher’s agenda aligned with changes in ethical rules governing experiments, that there’s actually scientific evidence from randomized controlled trials to support the efficacy of spanking at changing children’s behavior to make it acceptable to their parents! Now the rules have changed and wouldn’t permit spanking during an experiment, it isn’t possible to generate evidence against spanking. So advocates of spanking (and yes, there are some!) can honestly say that there is evidence of the highest quality in favor of spanking, and no evidence of that quality against it.   And of course we have to ask ourselves: is compliance what we really want? Our instinctive response to that question might be “Yes! I do want flipping compliance – and I want it now!” But I know many parents listening to the show have a goal to raise children who speak up when they see injustice, and who are internally motivated to do the right thing…and unfortunately focusing on making children’s behavior comply with our wishes works against that.   But that doesn’t mean the alternative is letting our child rule the roost. There are ways to get your needs met and also meet your child’s needs, without spanking, threatening to spank, punishing, giving Time Outs, withholding privileges, or any other tools like this.   Questions this episode will answer What does research show us about spanking children? Professor Grogan-Kaylor's meta-analysis examined five decades of research covering over 160,000 children. He found consistent evidence that spanking is associated with increased: AggressionAntisocial behaviorMental health problemsCognitive difficulties. The research clearly shows that spanking doesn't improve behavior—it actually makes it worse. Is spanking different from physical abuse? Dr. Grogan-Kaylor's research found that the effects of spanking and physical abuse on children are very similar. This challenges the idea that we can spank children without hurting them in the same way that physical abuse hurts them. Hitting, even when called "discipline," affects a child's developing brain and sense of safety in similar ways to abuse. Should spanking be considered an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE)? Spanking affects a child's stress response system, and impacts their development. The long-term outcomes from spanking are similar to outcomes associated with established Adverse Childhood Experiences. Dr. Grogan-Kaylor makes a compelling case that spanking should join the list of recognized ACEs. What about parents who say "I was spanked and I turned out fine"? This is one of the most common defenses of spanking. Dr. Grogan-Kaylor explains how our understanding of child development has evolved over the last 50 years. Personal experiences, while valid, don't override the consistent findings from hundreds of scientific studies across diverse populations and cultures. At what age do parents typically spank children? You might be surprised by what the research shows. Dr. Grogan-Kaylor and Dr. Shawna Lee found that about a third of parents reported spanking their one-year-old children. One-year-olds cannot reliably remember and act on parent's instructions. Spanking one-year-olds is unlikely to lead to them remembering and acting on these instructions. Even at age two and three, remembering and acting on instructions is an emerging capability. What effective alternatives to spanking can parents use instead? The conversation doesn't just identify problems—it offers solutions! We offer evidence-based approaches to discipline that improve children's behavior while strengthening the parent-child relationship. Professor Grogan-Kaylor shares insights about why non-physical discipline methods work better for: Teaching children appropriate behavior;Supporting the development of emotion regulation;Developing problem-solving skills. What you'll learn in this episode Physical punishment like spanking is considered harmful to children's development. Even "normal" spanking shows negative outcomes in research studies spanning five decades.The scientific evidence showing how spanking increases children's:AggressionAntisocial behaviorMe

When I interviewed Dr. Chris Winters last year, I described how we’ve been using a No Set Bedtime method with our daughter Carys. He used it with his children starting in the Elementary years, and his eyes nearly fell out of his head when I told him we’d been using it since Carys was about three.   In the email about the Dr. Winters interview I asked any listeners who wanted to learn more about this method to be in touch, so in this episode we’ll meet listeners Katherine and Gila. Katherine’s daughter is three and Gila’s son is seven, and in this episode I explain the No Set Bedtime approach and then they pepper me with questions about how to make it work in their families.   We recorded our conversation back in November 2021, and in January I followed up with them to see how it’s going. I share their feedback and my ideas on what’s going well and what they might adjust.   [embed]https://vimeo.com/671735528[/embed]     [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]   Jen Lumanlan 00:02 Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We all want her children to lead fulfilling lives. But it can be so   Jessica 00:11 Do you get tired of hearing the same old intros to podcast episodes? Me too. Hi, I'm not Jen. I'm Jessica, and I'm in Burlesque Panama. Jen has just created a new way for listeners to record the introductions to podcast episodes, and I got to test it out. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development. It puts it in context for you as well. So, you can decide whether and how to use this new information. If you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox, along with a free infographic on 13 reasons your child isn't listening to you what to do about each one. Sign up at YourParentingMojo.com/subscribe, and come over to our free Facebook group to continue the conversation about this episode. You can also thank Jen for this episode by donating to keep the podcast ad free by going to the page for this or any other episode on YourParentingMojo.com. If you'd like to start a conversation with someone about this episode or know someone who would find it useful, please forward it to them. Over time, you're gonna get sick of hearing me read this intro as well. So come and record on yourself. You can read from a script she's provided or have some real fun with it and write your own. Just go to YourParentingMojo.com and click Read the Intro and I can't wait to hear yours.   Jen Lumanlan 01:32 Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. Today, we're actually going to do something that we have not done before. We have two parents here with us today, they reached out to me after the still recent to us as we're recording here, that's going to be a little while before this episode is really on the episode with Dr. Chris Winter, where we were learning about sleep and we talked about our no set bedtime process. And at the beginning of that interview, I said, if anyone's curious about this and is interested in applying this idea with their own children, feel free to reach out and maybe we can set something up. And so we have two fabulous parents here today, Gila and Katherine. And each of them reached out and we're curious about various aspects. And we're also kind of hesitant about various aspects. And so today we're going to talk through with them what it might look like to have a no-set bedtime routine in their house. So I'm gonna ask each of them to introduce themselves. And then I'm going to talk for a bit about how this has played out for us and for what I've seen with the families that have implemented it. And then we're gonna go into a q&a, and they're gonna poke holes in this on your behalf, dear listeners so that you can really see how this could play out with your family if you decided to try this. So hello, and welcome to Gila and Katherine, Gila doyou want to go first and introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about you and your family and where you are in the world? And what made you reach out when you saw this offer?   Gila 02:54 Thanks for having me. So I am a single mom of a seven-year-old boy, and we're in upstate New York. And I reached out for a couple of reasons. One is that my son, while sometimes he falls asleep relatively easily, sometimes, relatively frequently, he falls asleep more than an hour after lights out. And I'm a little familiar with the insomnia literature. And my understanding is that it's not good to be in bed for that long and tossing and turning. And I want to establish healthy sleep habits. But I also really think sleep is so important. The other piece is that sleep is a time when behavioral challenges can come up. And I think there's a lot of reasons why that's the case. But one of them is the power dynamic that this is a place where there can be a power strug

In this episode we hear from parent Amy, who is a White parent married to a Black man raising four biracial children in Colorado. Amy has been on quite a journey to explore her role as a descendant of Puritans who came to the United States looking for religious freedom on her father’s side, and of Irish Catholics on her mother’s side. She sees how her parents were able to get advanced education and a loan to buy a house and start a business, and that from the outside they looked like a pretty happy family.   But behind closed doors, things were not so pretty - they were actually chaotic and volatile. Amy was an intense, spirited child and her parents didn’t have the tools they needed to meet her needs. She learned to use her intellect to protect herself, and projected an image of having her stuff together - a habit that she then continued as a parent, as she projected a Supermom-type image. Our culture rewards us for looking like we’re keeping it together, even when everything’s falling apart inside.   So Amy is a deep believer in dismantling patriarchy (she actually wanted to do this on Wall Street!) and in treating people with respect, but in a sleep-deprived moment after her fourth baby was born she broke up a squabble between two of her older children by pulling them roughly apart and yelled at the older one: “Why did you do that?” (a question for which of course there’s no answer).   She saw the terrified look on her daughter’s face which brought back the visceral fear she felt at her own parents’ explosive feelings and felt so much pain that she, Amy - the believer in breaking down traditional power structures and treating people with respect - had caused this kind of fear in her own child.   And of course it seemed like the things that really needed to change were her partner, who should stop doing obnoxious things, and her children, who were pushing each other’s buttons and fighting and leaving disgusting blobs of oatmeal on the floor for her to step in with bare feet when she came downstairs in the morning with a baby in her arms that would make her lose her shit before the day even got started.   Over the last few months Amy and her children have been learning new tools to be in right relationship with each other. It started with learning that Amy did herself, but she shared each idea with her children so they could practice them together.   Amy is now reparenting herself, in a way, so she can be a different sort of parent to her own children - who now empathize with each other’s struggles, and actively try to support each other in difficult moments rather than throwing more fuel on the fire. Of course all of this is intimately linked to the reconciliation and healing that Amy wants to see in her relationships with Black and Indigenous people in her life and on the land where she lives.   Taming Your Triggers If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you: Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them… …the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you.   Click the banner to learn more!  

This episode continues our conversation on the topic of children and food. A few months ago we heard from Dr. Lindo Bacon about how the things we’ve learned about obesity might not actually be the whole story. Then we talked with Ellyn Satter about the approach she devised called Division of Responsibility, which holds the parent/caregiver responsible for the what, when, and where of eating and the child responsible for whether and how much.   We followed that with a conversation with Dr. Michael Goran, a world-renowned expert on the impact of sugar on our bodies, and specifically on children’s bodies – and co-author of the book SugarProof. While the research seems to indicate that consuming large amounts of sugar isn’t necessarily the best thing for us, when I dug into the original papers that form the backbone of SugarProof I found that the results didn’t always seem to be quite as large as the book indicated.   In this episode we take another look at sugar – this time from the perspective of sociologist Dr. Karen Throsby. Dr. Thorsby received her BA in English Language and Literature from Lincoln College, Oxford, and a MSc in Gender and later a Ph.D from the London School of Economics. She is currently an Associate Professor in Gender Studies at the University of Leeds, and is writing a book entitled Sugar Rush: Science, Obesity, and the Social Life of Sugar.   For the book, she is analyzing over 500 UK newspaper articles about sugar, as well as policy documents, scientific publications, popular science articles, self-help literature, and documentaries. She wants to understand what happens when we demonize sugar as ‘public enemy number one,’ and along with it the fat body. She doesn’t aim to determine the ‘truth’ about sugar or offer prescriptions about what people should eat, but instead think about how this debate relates to how scientific knowledge is produced, validated, and appropriated, panics about health and body size, the role of generation, gender, race, and class, and the lived inequalities associated with food.   Other episodes mentioned in this episode: 145: How to Sugarproof your kids with Dr. Michael Goran   Jump to highlights: 02:10 Introducing Dr. Throsby 03:22 One of your big focuses is on the idea of sugar being addictive. Can you tell us why you start there? What does it mean to be addicted to something, and can we be addicted to sugar? 09:46 We have to be really careful with any attempt to define addiction because some people and certain groups of people are seen as more liable to be seduced by sugar than others 12:18 The neuroscientific model of addiction recognizes that addiction is more than a failure of will and morals but also factors in biological vulnerability which can affect some people more than others 15:10 The idea that you could stop consuming sugar if you wanted to is part of the problem in the way that sugar is being figured because it ignores the social context within which consumption occurs 21:18 The reason the book is called Sugar Rush is obviously it's a play on the idea of having a lot of sugar, but also about the rush to blame sugar 22:04 Sugar is often referred to as empty calories but actually, it's a category of food that is absolutely laden with meaning that I think is really important   Links: Subscribe to the showRecord the intro to Your Parenting Mojo :)   Resource Links: Sugarproof: The Hidden Dangers of Sugar That Are Putting Your Child's Health at Risk and What You Can Do   References: Avena, N.M., Rada, P., & Hoebel, B. G. (2008). Evidence for sugar addiction: Behavior al and neurochemical effects of intermittent, excessive sugar intake. Neuroscience & Behavioral Reviews 32(1), 20-39. Benton, D. (2010). The plausibility of sugar addiction and its role in obesity and eating disorders. Clinical Nutrition 29, 288-303. Courtwright, D.T. (2010). The NIDA brain disease paradigm: History, resistance and spinoffs. Biosocieties 5: 137–147. Lenoir, M., Serre, F., Cantin, L., & Ahmed, S.H. (2007). Intense sweetness surpasses cocaine reward. PLoS One 8 (e698): 1-10. Throsby, K. (2019). Pure, White and deadly: Sugar addiction and the cultivation of urgency. Food, Culture & Society 23(1), 11-29.

“Storytelling? I’m already reading books to my child – isn’t that enough?” Your child DOES get a lot out of reading books (which is why we’ve done a several episodes on that already, including What children learn from reading books, How to read with your child, and Did you already miss the boat on teaching your toddler how to read?. But it turns out that storytelling benefits our relationship with our child in ways that reading books really can’t, because you’re looking at the book rather than at your child. If you ask your child what kind of story they’d like you to tell, you also get incredible insight into both their interests and concerns – I can attest to this, as I’ve been singing story-songs about poop and various kinds of baby animals who can’t find their mamas on and off for several weeks now (we had an incident a few months back where she couldn’t find me in a store). In this episode we also discuss the ways that people from different cultures tell stories, and what implications this has for them as they interact with our education system.   Jump to highlights 02:35 Where to start in supporting your child's learning 07:20 Introduction of episode 08:00 History of storytelling 12:25 Approaches in censoring the stories of our children 14:36 What are the benefits of storytelling 25:25 Why we should tell stories 31:05 2 short stories Kendall Haven used in his book Story Proof 35:45 Ideas to convey   [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] 00:01 If we want our children to have the best chance to live fulfilling lives, that can you keep up with all the books and scientific research on parenting, and fit the information into your own philosophy on how to raise kids. Welcome to Your Parenting Mojo, the podcast that does the work for you by investigating and examining respectful research-based parenting tools to help kids thrive. Now welcome your host, Jen Lumanlan. Jen Lumanlan 00:38 Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. Before we get going with today’s topic on the subject of storytelling, I wanted to let you know about a little something I’ve been working on for a while now. I think I’ve mentioned before that I was working on a Master’s in Education – well, I’ve finished that now and I’m actually not in school at the moment which is both amazingly freeing and rather strange. I’ve mentioned before that after we made the decision to homeschool our daughter, whenever anyone asked me about homeschooling, they would always ask me the same questions, so I created a course to help families figure out whether homeschooling could be right for them – you can find more info on that at yourhomeschoolingmojo.com if you like. But a lot of friends said “homeschooling sounds awesome, but I could never do it,” or “homeschooling sounds awesome but I don’t want to do it,” or just “we’re committed to public schools.” When I asked them to tell me more about this they invariably expressed some kind of anxiety about this decision – kind of a “we’re committed to public schools but….” – they’re worried about class sizes and a lack of funding and the quality of the education their child will receive. And I thought to myself: “hmmm…what if there was a way to take everything I’ve learned during a master’s in psychology and another in Education and make it relevant to people who are committed to public school for whatever reason, but who recognize the limitations in the system and want their children to come out of public school among the 40% of 12th-graders who can read and do math at or above a proficient level, and not among the 60% who are at a basic or below-basic level. Parents want to imbue their children with a love of learning, but research has shown that the toddlers who couldn’t stop asking questions basically stop being curious by about third grade. Instead of asking why things happen or how things work, they learn that their job is to answer the teacher’s questions, rather than to ask their own. And when I interviewed parents, I also found they didn’t know where to start in supporting their child’s learning – they’ve been reading to their child since birth, and they taught their child how to count, but they just have no idea what to do next. Jen Lumanlan 02:34 So I took what I learned during those degrees, and I did a whole lot of research outside of them, and I talked with Principals and teachers and parents and I asked them what challenge they had had. What challenges they had in teaching, and in parenting children in school, and in teachers and parents working together, and in catching small problems before they become really big problems, which I found actually doesn’t happen all that often – it was way more common than I’d thought for something to go unnoticed for quite a while and even once it was noticed, to take quite a while to fix. It really wasn’t uncommon for a student to lose the better part of a year of learning waiting for testing for learning

Way, waaay back in Episode 3, we wondered whether we had missed the boat on teaching our babies to read (didn’t you teach your baby how to read?). We eventually decided that we hadn’t, but given that many parents have a goal of instilling a love of reading into their children, what’s the best way to go about doing that? And what if your child is the kind who wriggles out of your lap at the mere sight of a book? Our second-ever repeat guest, Dr. Laura Froyen, helps us to delve into the research on this topic. We conclude by talking through some of the things parents can do to promote a love of reading, because it turns out it’s not as intuitive as one might think! Dr. Froyen's 11 Ways to Support Your Child in Learning to Read PDF guide. References Bus, A.G. (2001). Joint caregiver-child storybook reading: A route to literacy development. In S.B. Neuman & D.K. Dickinson Handbook of Early Literacy Research. New York: Guilford. Bus, A.G., van IJzendoorn, M.H., & Pellegrini, A.D. (1995). Joint book reading makes for success in learning to read: A meta-analysis on intergenerational transmission of literacy. Review of Educational Research 65(1), 1-21. Full article available at: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Marinus_Van_IJzendoorn/publication/230853169_Joint_Book_Reading_Makes_for_Success_in_Learning_to_Read_A_Meta-Analysis_on_Intergenerational_Transmission_of_Literacy/links/53f05d6f0cf26b9b7dcdfe58.pdf Burchinal, M., & Forestieri, N. (2011). Development of early literacy: Evidence from major U.S. longitudinal studies. In S.B. Neuman & D.K. Dickinson Handbook of Early Literacy Research (Vol. 3). (85-96). New York: Guilford. Bus, A.G. (2003). Social-emotional requisites for learning to read. In A. van Kleeck, S.A. Stahl, & E.B. Bauer (Eds.), On reading books to children: Parents and teachers (3-15). New York: Guilford. Butterworth, G. (2001). Joint visual attention in infancy. In G. Bremner & A. Fogel (Eds.). Blackwell handbook of infant development. (213-240). Malden, MA: Blackwell. Carlsson-Paige, N., G. Bywater McLaughlin, and J. Wolfsheimer Almon (2015). Reading instruction in kindergarten: Little to gain and much to lose. Available online at: http://www.allianceforchildhood.org/sites/allianceforchildhood.org/files/file/Reading_Instruction_in_Kindergarten.pdf Evans, M.A., & Saint-Aubin, J. (2011). Studying and modifying young children’s visual attention during book reading. In S.B. Neuman & D.K. Dickinson Handbook of Early Literacy Research (Vol. 3). (242-255). New York: Guilford. Fletcher, K.L., & Reese, E. (2005). Picture book reading with young children: A conceptual framework. Developmental Review 25, 64-103. Full article available at: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Kathryn_Fletcher2/publication/223236320_Picture_book_reading_with_young_children_A_conceptual_framework/links/0912f503ce1f9d05ec000000.pdf Landry, S.H., Smith, K.E., Swank, P.R., Zucker, T., Crawford, A.D., & Solari, E.F. (2011). The effects of a responsive parenting intervention on parent-child interactions during shared book reading. Developmental Psychology 48(4), 969-986. Full article available at: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Paul_Swank/publication/51831766_The_Effects_of_a_Responsive_Parenting_Intervention_on_Parent-Child_Interactions_During_Shared_Book_Reading/links/0912f5097cf5ddf41c000000.pdf McBride-Chang, C. (2012). Shared-book reading: There is no downside for parents. In S. Suggate & E. Reese (Eds.), Contemporary debates in childhood education and development (pp.51-58). Abingdon, U.K.: Routeledge. Morow, L.M. (1993). Literacy development in the early years: Helping children read and write (2nd ed.). Boston: Allyn & Bacon. Notari-Syverson, A., (2006). Everyday tools of Literacy. In Learning to Read the World: Language and literacy in the first three years (61-78). Washington, D.C.: Zero to Three. Otto, B. (2008). Literacy development in early childhood: Reflective teaching for birth to age eight. Long Grove, IL: Waveland. Phillips, L.M., Norris, S.P., & Anderson, J. (2008). Unlocking the door: Is parents’ reading to children the key to early literacy development? Canadian Psychology 49(2), 82-88. Reese, E. (2012). The tyranny of shared book-reading. In S. Suggate & E. Reese (Eds.), Contemporary debates in childhood education and development (pp.59-68). Abingdon, U.K.: Routeledge. Rosenkotter, S.E., & Wanless, S.B. (2006). Everyday tools of Literacy. In Learning to Read the World: Language and literacy in the first three years (81-100). Washington, D.C.: Zero to Three. Scarborough, H.S. (2001). Connecting early language and literacy to later reading (dis)abilities: Evidence, theory, and practice. In S.B. Neuman & D.K. Dickinson Handbook of Early Literacy Research. (97-110). New York: Guilford. Schickedanz, J.A. (1999). Much more than the ABCs: The early stages of reading and writing. Washington, D.C.: National Association for the Education of Young Ch

Today I join forces with Malaika Dower of the How to Get Away with Parenting podcast to interview Dr. Christia Brown, who is a Professor of Developmental and Social Psychology at the University of Kentucky, where she studies the development of gender identity and children’s experience of gender discrimination. Dr. Brown’s book, Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue (Affiliate link), helps parents to really understand the scientific research around gender differences in children, which is a harder task than with some other topics because there’s just a lot of bad research out there on this one. I ask about theories of gender development while Malaika keeps us grounded with questions about how this stuff works in the real world, and we both resolve to shift our behavior toward our daughters just a little bit. Related Episodes Interview with Yarrow Dunham on how social groups form Interview with Kang Lee on children’s lying (yep – your kid does it too!) References Brown, C.S. (2014). Parenting beyond pink and blue. Berkeley, CA: Ten Speed Press. (Affiliate link) Taylor, M.G., Rhodes, M., & Gelman, S.A. (2009). Boys will be boys and cows will be cows: Children’s essentialist reasoning about gender categories and animal species. Child Development 80(2), 461-481. DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-8624.2009.01272.x

“I spent the whole morning painting and doing origami and felting projects with my daughter – and not only did she not say “thank you,” but she refused to help clean up!” (I actually said this myself this morning:-)) “We took our son to Disneyland and went on every ride he wanted to go on except one, which was closed, and he spent the rest of the trip whining about how the whole trip was ruined because he didn’t get to go on that one ride.” (I hope I never have to say this one…I’m not sure I could make it through Disneyland in one piece.)   You might recall that we did an episode a while back on manners, and what the research says about teaching manners, and how what the research says about teaching manners comes from the assumption that manners MUST be explicitly taught – that your child will NOT learn to say “thank you” unless you tell your child “say thank you” every time someone gives them a gift. We also talked about how parent educator Robin Einzig uses the concept of “modeling graciousness” and that if you treat other people graciously, when your child is ready, she will be gracious as well. The problem here, of course, is that most people expect your child to display some kind of manners before they are developmentally ready to really understand the concept behind it. But what really underlies manners? Well, ideas like gratitude. Because when we train children to say “thank you” before they are ready to do it themselves they might learn to recite the words at the appropriate time, but they aren’t really experiencing gratitude. Dr. Jonathan Tudge of the University of North Carolina at Greensboro tells us much more about this, and how we can scaffold our child’s ability to experience gratitude, if we decide we might want to do that. Dr. Tudge’s book, Developing Gratitude in Children and Adolescents (co-edited with Dr. Lia B. L. Freitas) contains lots more academic research on this topic if you’re interested.   References Halberstadt, A.G., Langley, H.A., Hussong, A.M., Rothenberg, W.A., Coffman, J.L., Mokrova, I., & Costanzo, P.R. (2016). Parents’ understanding of gratitude in children: A thematic analysis. Early Childhood Research Quarterly 36, 439-451. Kiang, l. Mendonca S., Liang, Y., Payir, A., O’Brien, L.T., Tudge, J.R.H., & Freitas, L.B.L. (2016). If children won lotteries: Materialism, gratitude, and imaginary windfall spending. Young Consumers 17(4), 408-418. Mendonca, S.E., Mercon-Vargas, E.A., Payir, A., & Tudge, J.R.H. (2018). The development of gratitude in seven societies: Cross-cultural highlights. Cross-Cultural Research 52(1), 135-150. Mercon-Vargas, E.A., Poelker, A.E., & Tudge, J.R.H. (2018). The development of the virtue of gratitude: Theoretical foundations and cross-cultural issues. Cross-Cultural Research 52(1), 3-18. Mokrova, I.L., Mercon-Vargas, E.A., & Tudge, J.R.H. (2018). Wishes, gratitude, and spending preferences in Russian Children. Cross-Cultural Research 52(1), 102-116. Nelson, J.A., Freitas, L.B.L., O’Brien, M., Calkins, S.D., Leerkes, E.M., & Marcovich, S. (2013). Preschool-aged children’s understanding of gratitude: Relations with emotion and mental state knowledge. British Journal of Developmental Psychology 31, 42056. Tudge, J.R.H., & Freitas, L.B.L. (Eds.) (2018). Developing gratitude in children and adolescents. Cambridge, U.K: Cambridge University Press. Wang, D., Wang, Y.C., & Tudge, J.R.H. (2015). Expressions of gratitude in children and adolescents: Insights from China and the United States. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology 46(8), 1039-1058.

In just a few years, today’s children and teens will forge careers that look nothing like those that were available to their parents or grandparents. While the U.S. economy becomes ever more information-driven, our system of education seems stuck on the idea that “content is king,” neglecting other skills that 21st century citizens sorely need. Backed by the latest scientific evidence and illustrated with examples of what’s being done right in schools today, Becoming Brilliant (Affiliate link) introduces the “6Cs” collaboration, communication, content, critical thinking, creative innovation, and confidence along with ways parents can nurture their children’s development in each area. Join me for an engaging chat with award-winning Professor Roberta Golinkoff about the key takeaways from the book.   References Duckworth, A. (2016). Grit Scale. Available at: http://angeladuckworth.com/grit-scale/ (Duckworth also wrote a book, although I haven’t read it…yet…: http://angeladuckworth.com/grit-book/) Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. New York, NY: Random House. Golinkoff, R.M., & Hirsch-Pasek, K. (2016). Becoming Brilliant: What science tells us about raising successful children. Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association. Kohn, A. (1999). Punished By Rewards. Boston: Houghton Mifflin.  

In this short episode I reflect on where we’ve been over the past year, my plans to slow down a bit at the end of the year (as well as a super exciting project I’m working on!), and what episodes we have lined up for the new year.   In this episode I also mention something I haven’t done for a while, which is that it’s possible to donate to support the show. You might know that it takes 20-40 hours to do the research for each episode (although my record is about 80 hours for the show on Self-Reg, because the research was in such a mess and I had to check what I was reading with several developmental psychologists who tempered the claims of the person who created the concept of Self-Reg!).   A core group of listeners (shout out to: Jacqueline B., Rebekah S., Elizabeth M., Kelsey B., Jessica S., Crystian M., Megan P., Alison O., and Cristin B.) have helped to sustain the show over the last months and years.   If the show has helped you, would you consider making a donation to support it?   You can now do this from any episode page. If a particular episode has given you an insight or a tool that resonated with you and/or your child, I’d be really grateful if you would make a one-time donation to acknowledge that, or consider a recurring donation to help me keep making more episodes for you. I know there’s always the temptation to say that “eh; I don’t have time right now and it probably doesn’t make that much of a difference and someone else will do it anyway.” And maybe they will, but as we all know, if everyone thinks like that then the work doesn’t get supported….   I mention in the episode that I’m writing a book! And the e-book will be available for a sliding scale price on this website, to help everyone who wants to read it be able to read it, no matter what their financial constraints. I also now make every course and membership I offer over a $100 threshold available with sliding scale pricing, and invite folks who can’t afford even the minimum price to get in touch to figure out a price that works for both of us. I’m doing everything I can to live my values to make my work available to as many people as possible. If this resonates with you, I’d be grateful if you would consider donating to support me in continuing to do this work. You can now donate from any episode page (including this week’s episode!). Just look for the Support Jen’s Work button on the right side.   [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Jen Lumanlan 00:02 Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We all want our children to lead fulfilling lives. But it can be so hard to keep up with the latest scientific research on child development and figure out whether and how to incorporate it into our own approach to parenting. Here at Your Parenting Mojo, I do the work for you by critically examining strategies and tools related to parenting and child development that are grounded in scientific research and principles of respectful parenting. If you'd like to be notified when new episodes are released and get a free guide called 13 reasons why your child won't listen to you and what to do about each one, just head over to yourparentingmojo.com/subscribe. You can also continue the conversation about the show with other listeners in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group. I do hope you'll join us. Jen Lumanlan 00:56 Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. I just have a short episode lined up for you today with a few updates about the podcast and the Your Parenting Mojo world more broadly, we're coming to the end of what has been a pretty amazing year. I finally feel as though we have a really complete set of memberships and courses to help parents at all stages of their parenting journey. I run the Right From The Start course with Hannah and Kelty of upbringing to help expecting parents and those with a child under a year old to get it right from the start. And of course, we mean figuring out what's right for you and your family. We've had so many people sign up because they found that it's the only course for parents of very young children that doesn't focus entirely on the baby and instead looks at both babies and the parents needs and how to meet both of those as you negotiate your new relationship. That course has actually opened registration right now for a couple more days until midnight Pacific on November 3rd. Later on, the parenting membership helps parents who are struggling with their child's behavior to understand what's going on when their child is resisting them and what to do about it. Not just by changing their child's behavior, but by meeting their child's needs and also meeting their needs. Then we cover every other topic that parents want to know about from raising healthy eaters to screentime to supporting anxious children. If the parents are finding they're having a hard time with their own reactions to their child's behavior,

In this episode we do something we haven’t done before - talk with podcast listeners who aren’t parents yet!   Kellie and Jon are an amazing couple living in Tennessee. Kellie is a bit of a planner (by which I mean that during her Ph.D program Jon noticed Kellie was getting stressed about when they were going to have a baby, so she led them through a four-hour planning session factoring in the baby’s birth and ages at likely dates for her to enter post-doctoral programs and fellowships and landed on February 2021 as the optimal time to conceive - so they started trying in February and she got pregnant in February!).   Jon, by contrast, is a go-with-the-flow kind of guy. He’s the kind of person who just knows everything is probably going to turn out OK without needing to worry about the details too much. He already knew Kellie was going to be a great parent, while she was much less convinced - although now she knows that babies drink milk rather than water, she’s off to a running start!   Kellie devoured all the pregnancy podcasts she could find (my favorite is the Pregnancy Podcast - host Vanessa basically does the same thing I do here at YPM for the pregnancy stage) and then moved onto the child development podcasts, which is how she found YPM - and she was drawn to the research-based information she found here.   Jon describes the whole experience as an “uncertainty sandwich” - there was a lot of uncertainty in the beginning about whether and when they’d be able to have a baby: “and then it really certain really fast!” And after that it became uncertain again as they looked to figure out what life with a baby would be like.   Jump to highlights 01:00 Kellie & Jon are expecting parents who have just gone through the Right From the Start Course 02:25 Kellie and Jon’s background: Jon grew up in a home where he had older women in their family who looked after him and younger nieces that he was also a caretaker of, and Kellie grew up in a very structured environment that revolved around school and gymnastics, and things being planned out 07:05 Planning out when to get pregnant with the least amount of distractions, to when Kellie works on her doctorate, and the Uncertainty Sandwich 11:02 What were your thoughts when the point of certainty had passed, and you're getting into the moment where there was a lot of worry and anxiety? 18:01 Jon realized that to truly support Kellie in their pregnancy meant supporting her in a way that makes sense for her 19:27 How the podcast helped Kellie and Jon 20:33 What made you decide to take the Right From the Start course? 22:38 Joining the group class was the first time I actually felt excited to parent as opposed to just feeling nervous and anxious 26:35 “I had not thought of parenting as this potentially really diplomatic, really egalitarian, loving process” 31:31 We don't have to know exactly what's gonna work best from the start, but we can figure it out together 34:24 I feel like we're not just going to be okay, like we can actually thrive, and that our baby can actually thrive   Links to resources: Right From the Start CourseYour Parenting Mojo Facebook GroupUpbringing with Hannah and Kelty

Sleep! It’s a topic that’s on pretty much every parent’s mind. We’ve already looked at this from a cultural perspective, where we learned our Western approach to sleep is by no means universal, and that this can result in quite a few of the problems we face in getting our children to sleep.   In this episode we dive deep into the practicalities of sleep with Dr. Chris Winter, who has practiced sleep medicine and neurology since 2004. His first book, The Sleep Solution, Why Your Sleep Is Broken and How To Fix It (affiliate link) was focused on adults’ sleep challenges, and I’ve been putting the ideas in it into practice and have been getting better sleep as a result.   His new book is The Rested Child: Why Your Tired, Wired, or Irritable Child May Have a Sleep Disorder--And How to Help (affiliate link), and is based on Dr. Winters’ almost two decades of experience of evaluating children in the sleep clinic that he founded.   We’ll look at ways that you can get more sleep (or maybe even more rest that feels almost as restful as sleep), whether you can shift your (or your child’s!) sleep patterns, how to banish bedtime struggles for good, and so much more!   This episode is for all parents, but especially for those who are expecting or have a child under the age of one, and who are desperately trying to get more sleep (or worried about being in that phase of life in the near future!). We’ll help you get started on the right foot so you can know you’re doing the best for your child - and for yourself as well.     Dr. Chris Winter's Books: The Rested Child: Why Your Tired, Wired, or Irritable Child May Have a Sleep Disorder--and How to Help The Sleep Solution: Why Your Sleep is Broken and How to Fix It (Affiliate links).     [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"] Jen Lumanlan 00:02 Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We all want our children to lead fulfilling lives. But it can be so hard to keep up with the latest scientific research on child development and figure out whether and how to incorporate it into our own approach to parenting. Here at Your Parenting Mojo, I do the work for you by critically examining strategies and tools related to parenting and child development that are grounded in scientific research and principles of respectful parenting. If you'd like to be notified when new episodes are released, and get a free guide called 13 reasons why your child won't listen to you, and what to do about each one, just head over to yourparentingmojo.com/subscribe. You can also continue the conversation about the show with other listeners and the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group. I do hope you'll join us.   Jen Lumanlan 01:00 Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. Today we're going to talk about a topic that I know interests parents everywhere and that is sleep. We've already covered this on the show from the perspective of looking at cross-cultural ideas about sleep. But today we're here with an expert who's going to give us some practical ideas about how to get more sleep. Now I know that sleep is an important topic to parents with children of all ages, but it's especially important to expecting parents and those with newborns. And if that describes you right now, I also wanted to let you know that the Right From The Start course is reopening for enrollment on Sunday, October 24th. I run this course with the amazing Hannah and Kelty of the upbringing podcast. And I truly love doing it with them. Because our skill sets complement each other so well. I bring all the research-based information you've come to expect from this show as well as 100 hours of coaching, training, and a good deal of experience in coaching parents over the years. And they bring a lot of training and topics relevant to new parents. But the reason that I wanted to work with them specifically on the course is that they're trained in resources for infant educators or RIE methods, but they aren't RIE associates, which means they help parents to take what they find useful out of RIE rather than seeing it as a prescriptive set of tools. And of course, as twins themselves and being the parents of four children between them, they've just about seen it all from the perspective of siblings, so they can offer a lot of guidance to parents who aren't new at the parenting thing, but who also know that they can't do things the same as they did them with their previous child, or they don't want to do them like that. So the course has 10 modules and runs over nine weeks, all of the content is available in video and audio, and there are transcripts as well so you can learn in the way that you learn best. We have a supportive community of parents who are on this journey with you that isn't on Facebook. And we also meet for group coaching calls regularly as well. The parents who have taken the course tell us that they got the knowledge th

Sugar has a bad name these days - much like fat did back in the 1990s. "Research shows" that it's addictive...that it shrinks your brain...that it's likely to lead to all kinds of health problems.   But will it really?   I interviewed Dr. Michael Goran, author of the recent book Sugarproof: The Hidden Dangers of Sugar that are Putting Your Child’s Health at Risk and What You Can Do. This is a pretty alarming title, and I was interested to dig into the research behind the book as a continuation of our exploration of topics related to parenting and food. It turns out that yes, there’s a lot of research on this topic. And a lot of it supports the idea that sugar may be harmful to children...but the case wasn't nearly as clear-cut as I'd imagined it would be.   In this episode we discuss the research on which the book is based, and what practical steps parents can take to reduce their child's sugar intake if they decide they want to do that.   Dr. Michael Goran's Book Sugarproof: Protect Your Family from the Hidden Dangers of Excess Sugar with Simple Everyday Fixes (Affiliate link).   Jump to highlights 01:01 Introduction of episode 03:50 Children's preference for sugary foods 08:27 How does fructose differ from glucose and other forms of sugar that humans ingest and where can we find it 12:46 What is the effect of fructose on our body 16:04 Why Dr. Goran would recommend dried fruit as a sweetener when we see fructose should be less consumed off 18:19 How children respond acutely to different types of meals 21:53 Where can we truly understand children's behavior after they've consumed sugar and low-calorie sweeteners and no sweetener at all 38:20 A Big source of added sugar is in liquid form 39:52 Dr. Goran's breakfast experiment 43:12 Why does Dr. Goran recommend less intake of carbohydrates 46:31 Overall message to parents about the episode   References: Bayol, S.A., Farrington, S.J., & Stickland, N.C. (2007). A maternal ‘junk food’ diet in pregnancy and lactation promotes an exacerbated taste for ‘junk food’ and a greater propensity for obesity in rat offspring. British Journal of Nutrition 98, 843-851. Cohen, J.F.W., Rifas-Shiman, S.L., Young, J., & Oken, E. (2018). Associations of prenatal and child sugar intake with child cognition. American Journal of Preventive Medicine 54(6), 727-735. Davis, J.N., Whaley, S.E., & Goran, M.I. (2012). Effects of breastfeeding and low sugar-sweetened beverage intake on obesity prevalence in Hispanic toddlers. The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition 95(1), 3-8. DeBoer, M.D., Scharf, R.J., & Demmer, R.T. (2013). Sugar-sweetened beverages and weight gain in 2- to 5-year-old children. Pediatrics 132(3), 413-420. Francis, H.M., & Stevenson, R.J. (2011). Higher reported saturated fat and refined sugar intake is associated with reduced hippocampal-dependent memory and sensitivity to interoceptive signals. Behavioral Neuroscience 125(6), 943-955. Goldman, J.A., Lerman, R.H., Contois, J.H., & Utall, J.N. (1986). Behavioral effects of sucrose on preschool children. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 14(4), 565-577. Grossman, A., & Grossman, E. (2017). Blood pressure control in type 2 diabetic patients. Cardiovascular Diabetology 16, article 3. Jensen, T., Abdelmalek, M.F., Sullivan, S., Lanaspa, M.A., Diehl, A.M., & Johnson, R.J. (2018). Fructose and sugar: A major mediator of non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. Journal of Hepatology 68(5), 1063-1075. Jung, S.W., Kim, S-M., Kim, Y.G., Lee, S-H., & Moon, J-Y. (2020). Uric acid and inflammation in kidney disease. American Journal of Physiology – Renal Physiology 318(6), F1327-F1340. Lago, R.M. (2007), Singh, P.P., & Nesto, R.W. (3007). Diabetes and hypertension. Nature Clinical Practice Endocrinology & Metabolism 3, 667. Luo, S., Monterosso, J.R., Sarpelleh, K., & Page, K.A. (2015). Differential effects of fructose versus glucose on brain and appetite responses to food cues and decisions for food rewards. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 112(20), 6509-6514. Noble, E.E., Hsu, T.M., Liang, J., & Kanoski, S.E. (2019). Early life sugar consumption has long-term negative effects on memory function in male rats. Nutritional Neuroscience 22(4), 273-283. O’Reilly, G.A., Belcher, B.R., Davis, J.N., Martinez, L.T., Huh, J., Antunez-Castillo, L., Weigensberg, M., Goran, M.I., & Spruijt-Metz, D. (2015). Effects of high-sugar and high-fiber meals on physical activity behaviors in Latino and African American Adolescents. Obesity 23(9), 1886-1894. O’Reilly, G.A., Huh, J., Schembre, S.M., Tate, E.B., Pentz, M.A., & Dunton, F. (2015). Association of usual self-reported intake with ecological momentary measures of affective and physical feeling states in children. Appetite 92(1), 314-321. Pan, L., Li, R., Park, S., Galuska, D.A., Sherry, B., & Freedman, D.S. (2014). A longitudinal analysis of sugar-sweetened beverage intake in infancy and o