Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Understanding Emotions: Insights from Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett Have you ever wondered where our emotions come from?   Do you think that if you look at a person’s face, you can have a pretty good idea of how they’re feeling?   But at the same time, do your child’s feelings seem mysterious to you, like you can’t figure them out?   Listener Akiko introduced me to Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's theory of where our emotions come from, and I found it fascinating. It presents compelling evidence that the ways we've thought about emotions up to now may be entirely wrong.   We might think we can match a specific arrangement of facial features (like a scowl) with a particular emotion (like anger), but not everyone scowls when they're angry and people also scowl when they aren't angry.   We tend to infer characteristics about our child from things like their tone, so we might hear a 'snarky' tone and think: "My child doesn't respect me," when actually they're feeling hurt because their need for consideration hasn't been met.   And sometimes there isn't a deep psychological reason why they're having big emotions...sometimes it's a challenge in balancing what Dr. Barrett calls their 'body budget' (and some of our big emotions come from challenges in balancing our body budgets as well).   Dr. Barrett is the author of over 275 peer-reviewed articles on the topic of emotions and is among the top 0.1% of cited scientists in the world, so it was a real honor to speak with her about how our emotions are made...and what this means for: How we make meaning out of our emotions (which is critical to understanding the trauma we've experienced)How we talk with kids about emotions ("You hit Johnny and now he's feeling sad" might not be the best way to do this);What to do with big emotional expressions that seem to 'come out of nowhere' - which actually happens fairly rarely. This episode opens with me defining Dr. Barrett's theory of emotions so we didn't have to waste 20 minutes of our precious hour together to do that. I also wanted to share my thoughts on the implications of these ideas for our families and the episode would have been too long so I split it in half. In this episode you'll hear the introduction to the theory, half of the conversation with Dr. Barrett, and my thoughts on what we've heard so far.   In an upcoming episode we'll hear the second half of the interview as well as my overarching take-aways from across the two episodes.   And just a reminder that if you're having your own big emotional reactions in response to your child's difficult (but age-appropriate) behavior, there are real reasons for that.   We discuss meaning-making in the conversation with Dr. Barrett: in the Taming Your Triggers, we focus heavily on making meaning out of your experience. Whether you've experienced trauma and need help seeing the connections between your experiences and your triggered feelings towards your children, or if you need help with your body budgeting today, in Taming Your Triggers we'll help you to: Feel triggered less often;Find ways to meet your needs - and your child's needs - on a much more regular basis;Learn how to repair effectively with your child on the (far fewer!) occasions when things didn't go the way you would have hoped.   Click the banner to learn more!     Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's book (Affiliate Links) How Emotions Are MadeSeven and a Half Lessons About the Brain   Jump to highlights 00:53 Introducing today’s topic and guests 04:16 Studies show that facial expressions don’t always show how a person is truly feeling. 09:02 Dr. Paul Ekman's research suggested universal emotions, but later studies show emotions are influenced by learned concepts and vary across cultures. 15:56 Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett shares that while some scientists resist the idea of emotions being constructed, many people find it intuitive. 19:56 Dr. Barrett emphasizes that parents can guide children in understanding emotions by thoughtfully choosing words, which help kids interpret their body signals and shape their emotional experiences 29:02 Physical expressions don't directly correlate with emotions, making it essential to consider context when interpreting feelings. 37:16Sometimes, parents think their child is being disrespectful when they are just having a tough day. Instead of jumping to conclusions, it's better to be curious about how others feel. 43:24Jen’s key takeaways from the conversation   References Barrett, L. F., Adolphs, R., Marsella, S., Martinez, A. M., & Pollak, S. D. (2019). Emotional expressions reconsidered: Challenges to inferring emotion from human facial movements. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 20, 1–68. Barrett, L.F. (2012). Emotions are real. Emotion 12(3), 413-429. Barrett, L.F., Gross, J., Christensen, T.C., & Benvenuto, M. (2001). Knowing what you’re feeling and knowing what to do about it: Mapping the relati

Learn ways how to overcome parenting triggers I know it can be really (really) difficult to bridge the gap between being the kind of parent we want to be, and the kind of parent we're able to be in the moments when our kids do things we find difficult.   We might know that we want our kids to receive a message of unconditional love and acceptance, but when they do something like hitting their sibling and we respond: "Why would you DO that?!", or handle them roughly, or even spank them, that the message they are receiving may not be one of unconditional love and acceptance.   Parent Jody joined the Parenting Membership and in the moments when he was able to stay regulated, the new tools helped him to navigate his kids' behavior more effectively. But when he got triggered by something like sibling hitting (because seeing a child get hit is triggering when you were hit as a child), then he would default back to what he called "autopilot parenting," and he would yell at his kids, shame them, and spank them - just like his parents had done to him.   So he signed up for the Taming Your Triggers workshop, and in just a few weeks, Jody started to share his 'wins.'   🚗 There was the time he was able to create a pause when his kids started fighting in the back seat instead of exploding at them.   🛁 He was able to identify his needs, and his children's needs when they were throwing water out of the bath all over the floor, and find a strategy that met both of their needs.   🧸 And then there was the time when his son had smuggled four of his bedtime toys under his school uniform to the car, and Jody immediately saw that his wife was having a hard time because she didn't want the toys to be dirty, and she also didn't want the bedtime shit-show that was going to happen if the toys were still in the wash.   His initial attempt to help his wife fell flat, and she angrily said: "Don't talk to me like a child!". He regrouped, and the phrase he used to defuse the situation deeply touched many of us in the Taming Your Triggers community when he shared it with us. He found a way to meet THREE people's needs in that situation, and was justifiably proud of himself. 🎉   If you want your kids to experience unconditional love and acceptance but you don't know how to make that happen in the difficult moments, I'd so love to work with you in the Taming Your Triggers workshop.   I know it's risky to put yourself out there and admit that you're having a hard time.   There's always the concern that these tools might work for Jody, and still not work for you - you might have some failing that means you can't use the tools, even if they work for other parents.   You might also worry that the tools won't work for your neurodivergent/sensitive/etc. kid.   I totally get those concerns. And...at the end of the day, we're all people - and all people have needs. I can help you heal from the hurts you've experienced and get your needs met more of the time, and then you'll feel triggered less often. I'm so confident about this that I guarantee it - if you aren't happy with your experience in the workshop for any reason, at any time, we'll give you 100% of your money back. (Plus we have multiple pricing options to make it affordable in the first place).   🎁 And as an extra bonus for you: Jody will be a peer coach in the Taming Your Triggers workshop this time around - because sometimes the person you learn from most effectively is the person who was standing where you are right now just a year ago.   Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,   the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.   Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.   Click the banner to learn more!     Jump to highlights 00:45 Introducing today’s guest 01:28. Jody shifted from "Always tired" to "Actively seeking rest" after years of exhaustion from raising four kids and realizing the need to prioritize rest. 02:52. Jody realized his strict upbringing influenced his parenting, but the Your Parenting Mojo podcast helped him recognize the need for change. 05:38. Jody joined the Parenting Membership seeking easier parenting solutions, but after struggling with triggers and reverting to old habits, he realized he needed Taming Your Triggers to better manage his own emotions. 09:22 Jody describes a breakthrough from the Taming Your Triggers course, where he learned to pause during a tense moment with his kids, choosing calm over impulsive reaction. 23:47. Jody views parenting as part of his identity, not

Understanding & Overcoming Mom Rage There are several books available on mom rage by now. They tend to follow a predictable formula: a journalist interviews a bunch of parents and makes sweeping pronouncements about how anger-inducing it is to be a Mom, interspersed with anecdotes about terrible things they’ve said and done to their children.   They usually end with a call for free childcare, universal parental leave, and more support for Moms’ mental health. (Yes to all of those things, obviously.)   There are far fewer books that try to make connections between our experiences and why it’s happening, and that actually make practical suggestions for concrete practices we can try to cope with our rage more effectively right now - along with a sense of hope that we could actually make these policy changes happen in our lifetimes.   Minna Dubin’s book Mom Rage (which I found out about because our local Berkeley newspaper covered both of our books when they were published!) does all of those things.   I read it and liked it and started recommending it when relevant topics came up on coaching calls in the Parenting Membership, and parent Katie fell in love with it.   Katie didn’t even think the term ‘mom rage’ applied to her - but when she read the descriptions of raging moms, she found herself (mentally) shouting: “YES! That’s ME!”.   I’m so grateful that both Minna and Katie could join me for this deep conversation on where Mom Rage comes from, and what we can do about it.   We’ll do some shame-busting work together so you can know that you aren’t alone in experiencing rage, and that you don’t have to be alone in addressing it either.   If you experience Mom Rage and know you need help, I’d love to see you in the Taming Your Triggers workshop.   Here’s what previous participants have said about doing this work with me:   Now I have a plan and support structure, and I've learned really helpful tools to change the way I talk with my children in these difficult moments. - M.M.   The workshop gave me very clear steps to take toward being the mother I aspire to be by helping me heal my own hurt. - K.D.   I have seen here some shifts thankfully in the slowing down and welcoming the feelings of all people...and figuring out a way to kind of move through the conflict together instead of this is the way we're going to do it. - Liann   Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,   the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.   Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.   Click the banner to learn more!     Minna Dubin's Book (Affiliate Link) Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood   Jump to highlights 00:52. Introducing today’s episode and featured guests 03:19. The "PR team" represents societal expectations of motherhood, pressuring mothers to meet unrealistic standards alone. 13:59. Society's pressures and high expectations for mothers can lead to feelings of anger and unworthiness. 22:07 Mothers frequently feel isolated and overwhelmed as they prioritize their children's needs over their own, which can result in feelings of anger and frustration. 32:52 Motherhood brings big changes and societal pressures, making support from other moms essential. 39:32 We tend to judge ourselves and other parents, but noticing this can help us be kinder, since everyone is dealing with their own struggles. 44:11 It's important for moms to talk openly about their moments of rage to feel less shame and more support 55:04 It’s important for parents to identify their triggers and communicate openly with partners about differences in parenting decisions while building supportive networks to navigate societal pressures.   References Bakermans‐Kranenburg, M. J., Lotz, A., Alyousefi‐van Dijk, K., & van IJzendoorn, M. (2019). Birth of a father: Fathering in the first 1,000 days. Child Development Perspectives, 13(4), 247-253. Burgard, S.A. (2011). The needs of others: Gender and sleep interruptions for caregivers. Social Forces 89(4), 1189-1216. Chemaly, S. (2018). Rage becomes her: The power of women’s anger. New York: Atria. Horrell, N. D., Acosta, M. C., & Saltzman, W. (2021). Plasticity of the paternal brain: Effects of fatherhood on neural structure and function. Developmental psychobiology, 63(5), 1499-1520. Kessler, R.C. et al. (2005). Lifetime prevalence and age-of-onset distributions of DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Archives of General Psychiatry 62(6), 617-627. Krizan, Z. & Hisler, G. (2019

Today's episode comes from listener who submitted an emotional voicemail on the Ask Jen a Question button on the Your Parenting Mojo homepage, which boils down to:   Am I damaging my child? The messages you can leave are limited to two minutes in length, so we get just a taste of what the parent is struggling with: a difficult relationship with their neurodivergent son, because he triggers the parent and then the parent feels triggered again by the guilt and shame that some of the challenges the son is facing might be the parent's fault.   In this episode I walk though neuropsychologist R. Douglas Fields' LIFEMORTS framework of rage triggers - because if we understand the kinds of things that trigger us, we can avoid some of those triggers entirely and then see the rest of them coming and resource ourselves before they arrive.   I link these rage triggers with broader social issues that we may be carrying in the backs of our minds without even realizing it, and the energy it takes to constantly manage our thoughts about these issues is energy we don't have to spend meeting our children's needs - or our needs.   I also offer a set of three steps you can use to help you navigate triggering situations with your children more effectively.   Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,   the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.   Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.   Click the banner to learn more!   Other episodes mentioned: 207: How to not be a permissive parent224: How to heal your Mom Rage (coming up)   Jump to highlights 00:58 Introducing today’s topic 01:17 Listener recorded question 02:55 Jen empathizes with the parent's stress and dual triggers of misbehavior and self-judgment, acknowledges potential trauma or neurodivergence, validates their experience. 18:26 Understand your triggers by exploring nine categories (LIFEMORTS): life or limb, insult, family, environment, mate, order in society, resources, tribe, and stopped, as outlined by Dr. R. Douglas Fields. 34:02 Mom rage, deeply intertwined with systemic gender and racial inequalities, reflects broader societal issues and significantly impacts women's health and parenting. 46:06 Intergenerational trauma affects all communities, passing down violence and its impacts through generations. 46:55 Three ways to support parents dealing with their own trauma and its impact on their children.

What to Do When Parenting Tools Don’t Work? I know that when you start using new parenting tools, things don't always go according to plan. Your kids don't say what you think they will, or maybe you perceive that their behavior is just kind of crappy, or maybe your partner isn't on board with your ideas. In this episode I address what to do about all of these challenges, as well as how to use the tools I work with to address difficult topics like children wanting ever more snack foods, ever more screen time, and refusing to go to school. We hear from parents who have managed to address tricky challenges - including a child with a skin condition who must take a bath daily and who was successfully extending the dinner/running around/reading books process until bedtime was delayed as well. Once the child's parents came to see what needs the child was trying to meet, bath time suddenly wasn't a problem anymore. I share some realizations that parents have had about their place in the world as they've engaged with my work and how I plan to shift the ways I talk about these issues moving forward. I also invite you to celebrate with my book Parenting Beyond Power's first birthday by baking (or buying) some cupcakes! One of many parents' favorite ideas in the book was the feelings and needs cupcakes, which makes it easy to visualize your most common feelings and needs. We've made some flags you can print and use with your children to identify your (and their) feelings and needs. Share them on social media and be invited to a group coaching call with me later in September, and stick them to the fridge as a reminder of how to connect with your kids - and yourself! Finally, a couple of invitations. The Right From The Start course, which I run with Hannah and Kelty of Upbringing, is now available whenever you need it (rather than waiting for the next cohort to begin. If you're expecting a baby or have a child under the age of one, Right From The Start will help you to get clear on your values and goals around raising your child so you can put the systems you need in place before you get to the really tough toddler years. Parent Annie said: "I am so jealous (but excited for others)... that there is something like this for first time mothers. I wish I had it with my first born as it would have been so helpful for my nerves and anxiety surrounding my new profession of 'child raiser!" Learn more and sign up - you can also gift the course to to a friend or relative who is expecting or has a baby under the age of one. We have sliding scale pricing and a 100% money back guarantee! And if you're interested in doing explicitly anti-racist, patriarchy-healing, capitalism-busting work with me (which I know isn't for everyone!), I'd love to invite you to join me for the Parenting Beyond Power book club hosted by Moms Against Racism Canada. It's a 'book club' in that we'll be working with the ideas in Parenting Beyond Power (we couldn't think of what else to call it...which is also how I ended up with Your Parenting Mojo!), but it's really a set of six 90-minute group coaching calls on Friday evenings where we'll explore how we've been harmed by systems of power, and how we can be in relationship with our children in a way that's aligned with our values. If you (and maybe the folks in your community as well?) have been wanting to know more about how to take anti-racist action with your kids but weren't sure how to do it, the book club will help you to do it. If you'd like to invite your crew, we can give you a special link and when five people use it to sign up, your own spot will be free. Other episodes mentioned: 179: I Never Thought of It That Way with Mónica Guzmán and Lulu 207: How to not be a permissive parent 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner 217: How to end the video game struggles with Ash Brandin &nbsp; <p...

Understanding Menstrual Cycle Awareness This episode was...unplanned. :-) A couple of months ago I interviewed Dr. Louise Newson on the topic of menopause. Dr. Newson is a medical doctor and focused very heavily on Hormone Replacement Therapy as a treatment that everyone who menstruates should at least consider, and I knew I wanted to do an episode with someone who doesn't hold that belief as well. &nbsp; I found Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer of The Red School, and really appreciated their book Wise Power. As I usually do before recording an interview I read their other co-authored book Wild Power, and I realized there was a 'missing' episode on the topic of Menstrual Cycle Awareness. We can't really talk about being aware of the changes that are happening to our bodies during menopause if we don't know what has happened to our bodies throughout our menstruating years. &nbsp; When I read Wild Power I felt a deep sense of sadness that I was just discovering this now, as my own years of menstruation wind down - but also a deep sense of hope that I can help Carys develop a much closer relationship with her own body than I had with mine. &nbsp; We'll answer questions like: What phases does my body go through each month? How can I start becoming more aware of these phases through Menstrual Cycle Awareness? How can I align my activities with my energy levels, creativity, and arousal - even in the real world, which wants me to go-go-go all the time? How is my inner critic aligned with my cycle, and how can I use its knowledge to help me? How can I navigate Menstrual Cycle Awareness if I've had a difficult relationship with my periods and with fertility? &nbsp; I'd encourage you to listen to this episode if: You menstruate and want to better understand how menstruation affects your life You're raising a child who will menstruate and want to prepare them to feel 'at home' in their bodies You love someone who menstruates and want to be better attuned to them You're raising a child who will never menstruate, but you want them to appreciate menstruation and know how to effectively support people who menstruate. In other words, everyone will get something out of this episode! &nbsp; Learning Membership The Learning Membership will open again soon! The membership helps you to support your child’s intrinsic love of learning, while also equipping them with the skills they’ll need to succeed in the age of AI. You’ll learn how to see and follow your child’s interests so you can support them in deep inquiries. You won’t have to drag them through it like you would a workbook or a curriculum (so no need to reward them with screen time!) because they will WANT to learn. They’ll be excited to do it, and they’ll bring you along for the ride. If you already know you’re in, you can sign up for the Learning Membership. Click the banner to learn more! &nbsp; Alexandra and Sjanie’s books (Affiliate Links): Wild power: Discover the magic of your menstrual cycle and awaken the feminine path to power Wise power: Discover the liberating power of menopause to awaken authority, purpose and belonging &nbsp; Jump to highlights 00:46 Introducing today’s topic and featured guests 03:39 Menstruation is the monthly process where the body sheds the lining of the uterus, and it also brings emotional, psychological, and even spiritual changes. 17:18 Menstrual cycle awareness is about understanding and respecting our natural rhythms, which can improve our well-being and productivity by honoring the need for rest and reflection in our lives. 31:20 Recognizing and respecting your menstrual cycle can improve your well-being by allowing you to adjust your activities and manage your energy more effectively. 40:10 The inner critic gets stronger during the pre-menstrual phase of the menstrual cycle. Knowing this can help you take better care of yourself and manage parenting challenges. 53:09 Menstrual cycle awareness can help with personal healing and self-care, even for those who face challenges like heavy periods or grief, by fostering connection with one's own body and experiences. 58:52 Wrapping up the discussion &nbsp; References Alfonseca, K., &amp; Guilfoil, K. (2022, July 19). Should people of all genders be taught sex education together? Educators weigh in. ABC News. Retrieved from: https://abcnews.go.com/US/people-genders-taught-sex-education-educators-weigh/story?id=87021246 Andrews, S. (n.d.). Should schools separate sex ed classes by gender? NextGenMen. Retrieved from: https://www.nextgenmen.ca/blog/should-schools-separate-sex-ed-classes-by-gender

How to advocate for the schools our children deserve How comfortable do you feel speaking up about something your child’s school needs? &nbsp; Have you noticed that some parents seem to feel more comfortable speaking up than others? &nbsp; Have you ever noticed that sometimes rules and policies in school don’t seem to be applied evenly to all students, while squeaky wheels who raise issues that concern them and their children tend to get addressed? &nbsp; If you have, and you’d like to understand more about what you’re seeing and know what to do about it, then this episode is for you. &nbsp; My guest for this episode is Allyson Criner Brown, an award-winning equity practitioner, trainer, and scholar who has worked at the intersections of pre-K-12 education, family, and community engagement, environmental justice, and local government. &nbsp; I also have a co-interviewer joining me, parent Cassie Gardener Manjikian, who asked for this episode after she noticed that the everyday actions she was seeing in her school weren’t matching up with the school’s (and district’s) own goals and plans. &nbsp; In the episode, we answer questions like: What are the valuable ways that parents contribute to their children’s learning, even if they never volunteer in the classroom?What kinds of social challenges happen in schools, and how do these affect our kids?How can I advocate for changes if the Principal doesn’t seem interested?What kinds of tools can we use with teachers and parents if people are on board with doing things differently but just don’t know what to do or how to do it?If I’m the kind of parent who is never going to join the PTA, what role can I play? &nbsp; We all have an important role to play in creating the schools our children deserve - this episode will help you to find yours. &nbsp; Books mentioned in this episode (affiliate links) Engagement for Equitable Outcomes,by Allyson Criner BrownSocial Change Now: A Guide for Reflection and Connection, by Deepa Iyer &nbsp; Ready to Support Your Child's Natural Learning Whether this episode has you considering unschooling, reinforced your commitment to traditional schooling, or left you somewhere in between, one thing is clear: every child deserves to have their natural curiosity and love of learning nurtured. &nbsp; Just like Laura discovered, learning happens everywhere - in everyday conversations, through helping with household tasks, during visits to museums, and in those spontaneous moments when your child asks "why?". &nbsp; The challenge for parents isn't choosing the "right" educational path, but knowing how to support meaningful learning wherever your child is. &nbsp; The Learning Membership gives you the tools to nurture your child's development whether they're in traditional school, homeschooled, or unschooled. &nbsp; You'll discover how to: Turn everyday moments into rich learning opportunities (just like Laura does with her daughter)Support your child's interests and curiosity without becoming the "teacher" parentCreate a home environment that enhances rather than competes with whatever educational approach you choose &nbsp; Inside the membership, you'll find research-backed strategies that work alongside any educational setting, helping you become the parent who nurtures learning rather than forcing it. &nbsp; Your child's curiosity is precious - don't let it get lost in debates about educational methods. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more. &nbsp; &nbsp; Jump to highlights 00:59 Introducing today’s episode and featured guests 05:33 Allyson Criner Brown discusses her work in equity, explaining that equity is about fairness and addressing needs, while advocacy involves pushing for better schools for all children. 12:15 Parents contribute to their child's education in many ways beyond traditional school involvement, from daily routines to building self-esteem. 16:36 Parents might seem less involved in education due to systemic barriers, cultural differences, and personal challenges like work schedules or transportation. 24:37 Key challenges to building school communities include inadequate funding, unclear school systems, and systemic barriers. Effective engagement needs proper resources, clear communication, and active advocacy. 29:28 School funding disparities often arise from reliance on local property taxes, creating inequities based on neighborhood wealth and race. 38:41 To drive school change, start by gathering information, connecting with others, and leveraging your strengths. 43:52 For advancing family engagement in schools, consider using resources like parent-principal chat guides and publications that challenge assumptions. 52:46 When policies aren't matching practice, take strategic, actionable steps. Persist and engage with the community to address gaps and leverage existing strengths. 01:01:43 Allyson suggests practices for supporting educational equity, including building connections, understanding school systems, taking action, an

Why Movement Matters More Than Exercise for Kids A few months ago my daughter had a routine checkup at the doctor, who asked how much screen time she gets in a day (which is more than typical recommendations but way less time than children spend sitting in school). &nbsp; The doctor told her (but really she told me): “You should get more exercise.” &nbsp; Carys isn’t a team sports kind of person. She doesn’t love hiking, and she only really likes biking when friends are with us. &nbsp; Something about the ‘get more exercise’ advice didn’t sit quite right with me, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. &nbsp; Then I found Katy Bowman’s work and suddenly it all made sense. &nbsp; Katy points out that movement and exercise are not the same thing. &nbsp; Even if we aren’t getting enough exercise, what we need far more than exercise is movement. &nbsp; In this episode, we discuss questions like: What, exactly, is movement?What does it mean for our children to move…and how about us?How do we get more of it when our days are already so full? (I knowIthought that, but I’ve found ways to incorporate a daily stretching routine without taking any time away from anything else I do. We discuss how in the episode!) &nbsp; What children learn through movement Our children learn through movement. &nbsp; Yes, they learn how to move. &nbsp; They also learn what our society thinks about movement, which is likely to set them up for a lifetime of not-moving, unless we support them in doing things differently. &nbsp; Finally, they come to understand their bodies better when they move. They learn how their body signals ‘this feels great’ and ‘this doesn’t feel right.’ They learn to interact with physical things: Dr. Roger Kneebone (no joke!) at Imperial College London has observed that medical students have seemed less comfortable doing delicate tasks with their hands since smartphones became popular. &nbsp; In other words, they learn to trust themselves. &nbsp; We have a whole module on Full-Bodied Learning in the Learning Membership where we come to understand much more deeply what children learn with their bodies, and how to help them do it. &nbsp; And that’s just one of the 12 topics you’ll cover in your first year, as you become an expert on topics like scaffolding your child’s learning, nurturing critical thinking, and supporting metacognitive learning. &nbsp; Ready to Support Your Child's Natural Learning Whether this episode has you considering unschooling, reinforced your commitment to traditional schooling, or left you somewhere in between, one thing is clear: every child deserves to have their natural curiosity and love of learning nurtured. &nbsp; Just like Laura discovered, learning happens everywhere - in everyday conversations, through helping with household tasks, during visits to museums, and in those spontaneous moments when your child asks "why?". &nbsp; The challenge for parents isn't choosing the "right" educational path, but knowing how to support meaningful learning wherever your child is. &nbsp; The Learning Membership gives you the tools to nurture your child's development whether they're in traditional school, homeschooled, or unschooled. &nbsp; You'll discover how to: Turn everyday moments into rich learning opportunities (just like Laura does with her daughter)Support your child's interests and curiosity without becoming the "teacher" parentCreate a home environment that enhances rather than competes with whatever educational approach you choose &nbsp; Inside the membership, you'll find research-backed strategies that work alongside any educational setting, helping you become the parent who nurtures learning rather than forcing it. &nbsp; Your child's curiosity is precious - don't let it get lost in debates about educational methods. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more. &nbsp; &nbsp; Katy’s books referenced for this episode (affiliate links) Dynamic aging: Simple exercises for whole-body mobilityGrow wild: The whole-child, whole-family, nature-rich guide to moving moreMovement Matters: Essays on Movement Science, Movement Ecology, and the Nature of MovementMy perfect movement plan: The move your DNA all day workbookThe Move Your DNA Podcast Downloadable Permission to Move signs &nbsp; Jump to highlights 00:54 Introducing today’s topic and featured guest 03:07 Movement is like food for our bodies, keeping them healthy, while exercise is a special type of movement that's planned to help us get stronger. 12:14 Kids learn best when they can move around, not just sit still like in school. 16:42 Incorporate movement into your daily routine by making walks a family event or turning everyday tasks into opportunities for activity. 34:50 Children sit because it's expected. To change this, create spaces that promote movement and actively support their natural activity. 41:17 Instead of focusing on "don'ts," use signs that show where movement is allowed, creating spaces that encourage physical activity and support

What your child is learning in school isn’t enough The things your child is learning in school are not the things that are most likely to lead to their success in the future. &nbsp; Who could have predicted the shifts we’ve seen since Chat GPT-3 was released to the public in November 2022? &nbsp; While AI still has its bugs, it won’t be long before these bugs are squashed. &nbsp; We’re going to be using more and more technology in our lives - and our children are going to need different skills to navigate it than we’ve used in our careers. &nbsp; The 56 foundational skills for future success A report from consulting firm McKinsey’s research arm described 56 foundational skills that will help people thrive in the future of work. &nbsp; Eleven of these skills are related to digital fluency and citizenship, software use and development, and understanding digital systems. &nbsp; The other 44 skills have nothing to do with digital knowledge or capabilities. &nbsp; These skills (and how to help your child learn them) are the topic of this episode. &nbsp; There's a key topic that's missing from these skills: content knowledge. &nbsp; The McKinsey researchers are assuming that we can quickly learn what we need to know - or that we actually don’t need to learn very much content, because our new AI tools will do that for us (as soon as they stop making up legal cases). &nbsp; But children spend 90+% of their time in school…learning content. How are they going to get the rest of the skills they’ll need? Well, they’re going to get them from you…or not at all. &nbsp; Not sure how you’re going to make this happen? &nbsp; Need help? &nbsp; Ready to Support Your Child's Natural Learning Whether this episode has you considering unschooling, reinforced your commitment to traditional schooling, or left you somewhere in between, one thing is clear: every child deserves to have their natural curiosity and love of learning nurtured. &nbsp; The challenge for parents isn't choosing the "right" educational path, but knowing how to support meaningful learning wherever your child is. &nbsp; The Learning Membership gives you the tools to nurture your child's development whether they're in traditional school, homeschooled, or unschooled. &nbsp; You'll discover how to: Turn everyday moments into rich learning opportunities (just like Laura does with her daughter)Support your child's interests and curiosity without becoming the "teacher" parentCreate a home environment that enhances rather than competes with whatever educational approach you choose &nbsp; Inside the membership, you'll find research-backed strategies that work alongside any educational setting, helping you become the parent who nurtures learning rather than forcing it. &nbsp; Your child's curiosity is precious - don't let it get lost in debates about educational methods. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more. &nbsp; &nbsp; Other episodes mentioned: 052: Grit: The unique factor in your child’s success?061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype?165: How grit helps (and how it doesn’t)215: Why will no-one play with me?218: What children learn from video games &nbsp; Jump to highlights 01:27Introducing today’s topic 03:06According to the McKinsey report, children need cognitive, interpersonal, self-leadership, and digital skills to thrive in a tech-driven future 06:22The first of the four categories of skills, the cognitive category, focuses on skills like communication, critical thinking, mental flexibility, and planning 18:01 The second category, interpersonal skills, focuses on working with others effectively, including inspiring and understanding people, and building strong relationships, and effective teamwork. 27:29 The third category, Self-Leadership, covers self-awareness, self-management, and goal achievement, stressing the importance of integrity and adaptability. 42:48 The final category is Digital, encompassing Digital Fluency and Citizenship, Software Use and Development, and Understanding Digital Systems—key for evaluating and effectively using digital resources. 53:39 McKinsey's AI-age skills focus on tech, missing crucial areas like art, languages, and spatial awareness. A well-rounded education needs both tech and human connection skills. &nbsp; References Abdelnour, E., Jansen, M.O., &amp; Gold, J.A. (2022). ADHD diagnostic trends: Increased recognition or overdiagnosis? Missouri Medicine 119(5), 467-473. Dondi, M., Klier, J., Panier, F., &amp; Schubert, J. (n.d.). Defining the skills citizens will need in the future world of work. McKinsey &amp; Company. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/06/technology/tiktok-fake-teachers-pennsylvania.html?searchResultPosition=1 Interaction Institute for Social Change (2016, January 13). Illustrating equality vs. equity. Author. Retrieved from: https://interactioninstitute.org/illustrating-equality-vs-equity/ Kantor, J. (2014, August 13). Working anything but 9-5: Scheduling technology leaves low-income paren

Thanks to those of you who completed the recent survey on how I can serve you better, some changes are coming to the YPM world! While most respondents said they loved the length of the episodes because they appreciate how much detail we can get into in that time, a number of people said they had trouble finding the time to listen to longer episodes, as well as share them with others. &nbsp; Our long episodes aren’t going anywhere; I love being able to truly understand an issue and have deep conversations with experts. But I hear you that it can be hard to find an hour to listen! That’s why I’m going to start creating summary episodes. This first one summarizes the last two episodes on the topic of video games - both the conversation with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin, and my narrated episode on what children learn from video games. &nbsp; You’ll get my take-home ideas from both episodes in less than 12 minutes! If you’re starting to see the deep learning that children are doing while they’re playing video games and want to support them in having more of these kinds of experiences…but without using screens all the time, the Learning Membership will help you. &nbsp; The membership helps you to support your child’s intrinsic love of learning, while also equipping them with the skills they’ll need to succeed in the age of AI. &nbsp; You’ll learn how to see and follow your child’s interests so you can support them in deep inquiries. You won’t have to drag them through it like you would a workbook or a curriculum (so no need to reward them with screen time!) because they will WANT to learn. They’ll be excited to do it, and they’ll bring you along for the ride. &nbsp; Ready to transform how you support your child's curiosity? While we're all trying to figure out what's really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there's something we can do right now that helps nurture our children's natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn. &nbsp; The You Are Your Child's Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you. &nbsp; When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resilience that serves them well, whether they're facing social media pressures, academic stress, or the general challenges of growing up in today's world. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Jump to highlights 01:26 Introducing today’s episode 02:06 Balancing kids' screen time is a gradual process of sharing responsibility and making adjustments based on their abilities. 03:35 Children are drawn to video games because they meet needs for competence, autonomy, and relatedness. 03:54 There is no strong evidence that video games cause violence. 05:27 Children can learn about cultural issues like misogyny and violence from video games and other media. 07:19 Video games allow children to actively engage in learning by exploring unique systems and strategies, similar to real scientific thinking. 08:41 Children develop creativity and persistence through video games. 09:18 Invitation to the free You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher workshop

How Video Games Shape Learning and Children’s Development Last week, parent Nicole and I talked with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin about the challenges we can have when our kids love video games. &nbsp; I had also hoped to ask Ash a lot of questions about what children learn from video games but we completely ran out of time, so I spent a fun day reading 10 books on the topic at the University of New Mexico library (non-students can’t check out books!). &nbsp; I wanted to know a lot more about: Why do children find video games so attractive? And can we use that information to make the transitions away from screen time easier - as well as support their off-screen learning?Even if video games don’t lead children to violence, are they picking up ideas that aren’t aligned with our values?What useful skills are our children learning from video games, and how is this different from school-based learning? &nbsp; Ready to transform how you support your child's curiosity? While we're all trying to figure out what's really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there's something we can do right now that helps nurture our children's natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn. &nbsp; The You Are Your Child's Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you. &nbsp; When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resilience that serves them well, whether they're facing social media pressures, academic stress, or the general challenges of growing up in today's world. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Jump to highlights 00:45 Introduction to today’s episode 04:13 Children are drawn to video games because they fulfill their needs for independence, skill-building, and connection. 13:00 Children learn about gender roles and social behaviors from video games, which reflect societal misogyny and violence. 28:55 Video games foster active learning through problem-solving and experimentation. By connecting gaming identities to real-world learning, children can enhance their educational experiences. 40:00 Children learn best when they are engaged in activities they care about, and the You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher workshop will help parents recognize and support this learning. 50:01Wrapping up &nbsp; References Benedetti, W. (2012, July 12). Anti-bigotry gaming site hacked, defaced by bigots. NBC News. Retrieved from: https://www.nbcnews.com/tech/tech-news/anti-bigotry-gaming-site-hacked-defaced-bigots-flna910262 Brown, H.J. (2008). Videogames and education. Armonk, NY: M.E. Sharpe. Condis, M. (2018). Gaming masculinity: Trolls, fake geeks &amp; the gendered battle for online culture. Iowa City: University of Iowa Press. Gee, J.P. (2007). What video games have to teach us about learning and literacy. New York: Palgrave Gee, J.P. (2007). Good video games + good learning: Collected essays on video games, learning and literacy. New York: Peter Lang Gillin, L.E., &amp; Signorella, M.L. (2023). Attitudes toward sexual orientation and gender identity in online multiplayer gaming spaces. Psychological Reports, 00332941231153798. O’Leary, A. (2012, August 1). In virtual play, sex harassment is all too real. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/02/us/sexual-harassment-in-online-gaming-stirs-anger.html Rigby, S., &amp; Ryan, R.M. (2011). Glued to games: How video games draw us in and hold us spellbound. Santa Barbara: Praeger. Richard, G.T. (2017). “Play it like a girl”: Gender expression, sexual identity, and complex expectations in a female-oriented gaming community. In B. Ruberg &amp; A. Shaw (Eds.), Queer Game Studies (p.163-177). Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Press. Schaffer, D., &amp; Loparo, K.A. (2007). How computer games help children learn. Palgrave Macmillan. Self-Determination Theory (2024). Theory. Author. Retrieved from: https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/theory/ Sliwinski, A. (2007, February 26). Gay gamer survey results with large hetero inclusion. Engadget. Retrieved from: https://www.engadget.com/2007-02-26-gay-gamer-survey-results-with-large-hetero-inclusion.html Suellentrop, C. (2013, December 13). In the footsteps of Lara Croft. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/15/arts/video-games/chris-suellentrop-on-the-year-in-video-games.html Yunkaporta, T. (2021). Sand talk: How indigenous thinking can save the world. New York: HarperCollins.

Why Video Games Aren't as Harmful as You Think for Kids Video games can be tough. &nbsp; Our kids enjoy them so much…but can’t tear their eyes away from them when time’s up without a meltdown. &nbsp; Some games, like Fortnite and Roblox, can be really violent, and aren’t our kids learning bad messages when they play? &nbsp; Plus even if they aren’t playing something violent, they aren’t really learning anything beneficial, right? &nbsp; In this episode with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin and co-interviewer parent Nicole, we talk about common struggles parents have with kids who are playing games, including: How to address dysregulation at the end of screen timeHow to ‘scaffold’ the child’s ability to manage their own screen timeThe links between screen time and intrinsic motivationWhy we can feel OK using screen time to give ourselves a breakHow to model appropriate screen time use in front of our children &nbsp; Ready to transform how you support your child's curiosity? While we're all trying to figure out what's really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there's something we can do right now that helps nurture our children's natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn. &nbsp; The You Are Your Child's Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you. &nbsp; When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resilience that serves them well, whether they're facing social media pressures, academic stress, or the general challenges of growing up in today's world. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Jump to highlights 01:50 Introducing the topic and guests for this episode 03:17 Moderate video game use generally has neutral or positive effects, contrary to earlier studies linking it to aggression. 07:02 Many studies linking video games to aggression overlook confounding factors like socioeconomic status, trauma, and family dynamics. 10:27 Research on violent video games shows mixed results, with any negative effects often being minor and context-specific. It's important to consider individual responses when assessing impact. 27:47 Effective screen time management involves setting limits, encouraging self-regulation, and gradually shifting responsibility to children while providing support. 42:33 Balancing gaming limits requires adjusting based on family needs and the child's ability to self-regulate, with ongoing assessment and adjustment. 47:12Guilt about screen time often stems from concerns about not using time productively. It’s important to recognize that screens can benefit the whole family, allowing parents to manage tasks and take necessary breaks. 54:24Gaming meets psychological needs like competence and autonomy, which doesn’t diminish intrinsic motivation for other activities. 01:01:48Model balanced screen use by explaining your tech use and setting clear limits. Show how screens help with tasks and emotions, and involve your kids in transitions. 01:08:51Wrapping up the discussion &nbsp; References Boxer, P., Groves, C.L., &amp; Docherty, M. (2015). Video games do indeed influence children and adolescents’ aggression, prosocial behavior, and academic performance: A clearer reading of Ferguson (2015). Perspectives on Psychological Science 10(5), 671-673. Ferguson, C.J. (2008). The school shooting/violent video game link: Causal relationship or moral panic? Journal of Investigative Psychology and Offender Profiling 5, 25-37. Ferguson, C.J. (2015). Do angry birds make for angry children? A meta-analysis of video game influences on children’s and adolescents’ aggression, mental health, prosocial behavior, and academic performance. Perspectives on Psychological Science 10(5), 646-666. Ferguson, C.J., &amp; Kilburn, J. (2010). Much ado about nothing: The misestimation and overinterpretation of violent video game effects in eastern and western nations: Comment on Anderson et al. (2010). Psychological Bulletin 136(2), 174-178. He, F., Qi, Y., Zhou, Y., Cao, A., Yue, X., Fang, S., &amp; Zheng, Y. (2023). Meta-analysis of the efficacy of digital therapies in children with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. Frontiers in Psychiatry 14, 1054831. Johannes, N., Vuorre, M., &amp; Przybylski, A.K. (2021). Video game play is positively correlated with well-being. Royal Society Open Science 8, 202049. Kollins, S.H., Childress, A., Heusser, A.C., &amp; Lutz, J. (2021). Effectiveness of a digital therapeutic as adjunct to treatment with medication in pediatric ADHD. NPJ Digital Medicine 4(1), 58. Prensky, M. (2006). Don’t bother me, Mom – I’m learning!. St. Paul, MN: Paragon House. Zendle, D., Flick, C., Gordon-Petrovskaya, E., Ballou, N., Ziao, L.Y., &amp; Drachen, A. (2023). No evidence that Chinese playtime mandates reduced heavy gaming in one segment of the video games industry. Nature Human Behavior 7, 1753-1766.

How do I know if I'm perimenopausal? A few months ago a member in the Parenting Membership shared a whole bunch of symptoms she'd had, from fatigue to rage to dry eyes. She'd been on a four year journey to figure out what was going on before finding out that she was in perimenopause, and wanted to save other members from the same experience she'd had. &nbsp; That sparked a huge discussion in the community, with other members wondering whether the symptoms they were experiencing were also related to menopause - and whether this was going to be yet another thing they were going to have to educate their doctors about to get appropriate treatment. &nbsp; In this episode we answer questions about: What roles do hormones like estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone play in our bodies? What is menopause, and what is perimenopause? What are some of the most common symptoms of perimenopause? (Hint - it isn't hot flashes) What are the benefits of Hormone Replacement Therapy, and who should consider it? Is HRT dangerous? What impacts does culture have on the experience of menopause? &nbsp; In our next episode on this topic we'll look at a non-medical, holistic approach to menopause. &nbsp; Dr. Newson’s books Preparing for the perimenopause and menopauseMenopause: All you need to know in one concise manualThe Definitive Guide to the Perimenopause and Menopause &nbsp; Jump to Highlights 01:26 Introducing the topic and featured guest for this episode 03:48 Hormones play a crucial role in menstruation. 08:28 Dr. Newson explores the definitions and challenges of menopause and perimenopause, emphasizing the wide-ranging symptoms and long-term health implications associated with hormonal changes. 12:10 Dr. Newson discusses recognizing perimenopause symptoms amid busy lifestyles and the importance of early awareness, regardless of age variability in menopausal onset. 16:05 Dr. Newson explains how hormonal birth control can obscure natural hormone patterns, potentially leading to misunderstood symptoms like mood changes and reduced energy. 18:26 Women face challenges in receiving timely diagnosis and treatment for perimenopause and menopause symptoms, underscoring disparities in healthcare and the importance of seeking medical help despite societal barriers. 22:46 Hot flashes, often associated with menopause, are not the most prevalent or severe symptom. They result from brain disruptions and vary widely among individuals, with many experiencing cognitive and psychological symptoms instead. 27:28 Perimenopause and menopause often bring cognitive symptoms like memory lapses, tied to hormonal shifts that impact brain function, yet frequently disregarded in medical care and treatment. 33:41 Hormone replacement therapy has been found to be effective in managing menopausal symptoms and offering potential long-term health benefits, despite past concerns about risks associated with older synthetic hormone studies. 44:47 Hormone replacement therapy, especially with natural hormones, is often prescribed long-term for health benefits, contrasting with synthetic hormones implicated in higher risks from the WHI study. 47:43 Dr. Newson emphasizes that while non-hormonal treatments like antidepressants and therapies can alleviate symptoms, they don't address the underlying hormonal deficiency that hormone therapy effectively restores for overall health. 49:41 Jen and Dr. Newson discuss cultural views on menopause, emphasizing the need for accurate medical support over stereotypes or inadequate treatments like antidepressants. 57:21 Wrapping up the discussion &nbsp; References Attia, P. (2022, August 20). Menstruation, menopause, and hormone replacement therapy for women. Carson, M.Y., &amp; Thurson, R.C. (2023). Vasomotor symptoms and their links to cardiovascular disease risk. Current Opinion in Endocrine in Metabolic Research, 100448. Cramer, D.W., Xu, H., &amp; Harlow, B.L. (1995). Family history as a predictor of early menopause. Fertility and Sterility 64(4), 740-745. Dominus, S. (2023, February 1). Women have been misled about menopause. The New York Times Magazine. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/02/01/magazine/menopause-hot-flashes-hormone-therapy.html Gilberg-Lenz, S. (2022). Menopause bootcamp: Optimize your health, empower your self, and flourish as you age. New York: Harper Wave. Herstasis (2024). Menopause symptoms. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.herstasis.com/symptoms/ Kolata, G., &amp; Petersen, M. (2022, July 10). Hormone replacement study a shock to the medical system. The New York Times. Retrieved from: https://www.nytimes.com/2002/07/10/us/hormone-replacement-study-a-shock-to-the-medical-system.html#:~:text=A%20rigorous%20study%20found%20that,a%20decrease%20in%20colorectal%20cancer. Lobo, R.A. (2013). Where are we 10 years after the Women’s Health Initiative? The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology &amp; Metabolism 98(5), 1771-1780. Manson, J., Bassuk, S., Kaunitz, A., &amp; Pinkerton, J. (2020). The Wome

Discover insights on why no one will play with your child and explore effective strategies for building social skills in children Does your child have big emotional blow-ups in social situations? &nbsp; Are they a wallflower who doesn't know how to make friends? &nbsp; Do they struggle to understand when it's appropriate to interrupt, tell the truth, and follow the rules vs. let things go. &nbsp; I've been interested in neurodivergence for a while - I'm hoping to do an episode soon on parenting with ADHD, and in the course of research for that a parent in the Parenting Membership recommended the book Why Will No-One Play With Me. &nbsp; The book is designed to help parents teach their children social skills - and I do think it has some useful ideas in it, but there are some pretty big caveats. &nbsp; This episode takes a look at the broader set of research on teaching children social skills to ask whether we CAN do it, and if we can, whether we SHOULD do it, and if we should, what kinds of tools should we use? The popular Social Stories method? Role plays? Peer coaching? &nbsp; This episode answers questions like: What types of teaching are likely to be beneficial?How can we teach social skills to Autistic children and children with ADHD, as well as neurotypical children?What are the potential later-life impacts of lagging social skills (and do what we miss when we look at it from this perspective)?At what age range is teaching social skills is most likely to succeed?How can we knowwhetherwe should teach a child social skills? &nbsp; Other episodes mentioned: 175: I’ll be me; can you be you?075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype? Jump to highlights: 00:52 Introducing the topic for this episode 02:59 Social skills programs show small, temporary effects and are more effective when led by experts, with mixed results for neurodivergent children. 09:38 Programs to teach social skills often try to change how neurodivergent kids act and they don't always work well. 24:01 Dr. Carol Gray's Social Stories ™ help children, especially those with autism, understand social situations without directly aiming to change their behavior. 28:59 Terra Vance's adaptations of Social Stories ™ highlight how they sometimes fail to address children's real experiences and emotions. 33:28 Research on parent-led interventions for children with ADHD and autism vary in effectiveness. 43:24 The book "Why Will No One Play With Me" doesn't provide specific references to support its ideas, making it unclear if they're based on research or opinion. 46:30 Teaching social skills includes managing emotions, understanding social norms, and practicing simulations for better responses. 50:49 The "Play Better Bridge to Betterment" model in Why Will No One Play With Me categorizes children's readiness for change into stages: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. It emphasizes that children may need support to recognize and modify behaviors. 53:10 Caroline Maguire's approach in "Why Will No One Play With Me" mirrors problem-solving methods, yet it prioritizes a reward system over understanding children's underlying needs. 55:02 Maguire's method in "Why Will No One Play With Me" uses rewards to shape children's behavior, raising concerns about parental control and consent in interactions with their children. 56:46 Maguire's book concludes with exercises aimed at understanding social interactions and unspoken rules, but it raises concerns about imposing norms without considering individual needs and communication styles. 01:02:41 Maguire's book discusses challenges with school communication norms favoring concise storytelling, which often align with White communication styles. 01:06:11 Social skills training often overlooks children's consent and preferences, focusing instead on adult-determined goals, which may affect trust and authenticity in social interactions. &nbsp; References Autistically Alex (2019, April 1). Autism Speaks… Blog post. Author. Retrieved from: https://autisticallyalex.com/2019/04/01/autisticorganizations/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR10yNr3UglHOUWRGWJMfp_uMpyxpfAtXMw99wSyTgMg8BvBmFSoaPko7iE_aem_AU39ONZlb1_LzKuEMMXqgiicT3Vb-tICXVSQowCO3RsQvHAmymztsPxNO0P7mN8voYq6oFbq5Ji0aN19xc6ddW0Z Beelmann, A., &amp; Losel, F. (2021). A comprehensive meta-analysis of randomized evaluations of the effect of child social skills training on antisocial development. Journal of Developmental and Life-Course Criminology (7), 41-65. Capodeci, A., Rivetti, T., &amp; Cornoldi, C. (2019). A cooperative learning classroom intervention for increasing peers’ acceptance of children with ADHD. Journal of Attention Disorders 23(3), 282-292. Chan, J., Lang, R., Rispoli, M., O’Reilly, M., Sigafoos, J., &amp; Cole, H. (2009). Use of peer-mediated interventions in the treatment of autism spectrum disorders: A systematic review. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders 3(4), 876-889.

Exploring Marriage, Autism, Race, and Parenting Together Want to know how my autism self-diagnosis has affected my relationship with my husband? (I will apologize to autistic listeners here as an ableist perspective is still something we're working on, and he also uses some outdated terminology probably from an old book he's started twice - but not yet finished - on supporting partners with Asperger's Syndrome.) &nbsp; Curious about whether he identifies as Filipino-American... or not? And how his perspective on race differs from mine? &nbsp; Want to hear how he sent a chicken up into space...and then found out what the two pink lines of a pregnancy test mean? &nbsp; Last year, when we were coming up on our 200th podcast episode, I asked my husband, Alvin, if he would be willing to record a podcast episode. I had envisioned listeners asking the questions and him answering - but he wanted me to join as well! &nbsp; One of the first things we learned was that Alvin cannot be succinct. (Well, technically speaking, this was not a new lesson for me - and interviewer Iris had tried really hard to prepare him for succinctness by asking for his 'elevator pitch' - but he just couldn't do it!) &nbsp; So we ended up cutting the episode when it was already over an hour, and we hadn't covered half of the questions listeners had submitted...and interviewers Iris and Corrine graciously agreed to return for a Part 2. So here it is! &nbsp; Other episodes mentioned 175: I’ll be me; can you be you?200: Ask Alvin Anything (Part 1!) &nbsp; Jump to highlights 01:22 Introducing this episode 04:28 Alvin talks about how Jen's autism diagnosis helps their relationship, while Jen shares how it helps in their daily life and parenting. 12:47 Alvin and Jen talk about how they decided to become parents. 25:10 Alvin discusses his upbringing in a predominantly White area, his evolving awareness of his Filipino heritage, and how his wife Jen's advocacy work has shaped his understanding of race and culture. 38:13 Alvin talks about his journey from wanting to be seen as White to embracing his Filipino heritage and identifying as a Brown person. 46:32 Alvin encourages dads to be actively involved in parenting, prioritize their partners, and be present in family life. 57:15 Alvin and the hosts engage in a quickfire round of questions, discussing topics from parenting to personal preferences. 01:00:50 Wrapping up

Ditch Punishments and Rewards for Respectful Parenting Do you hate punishing (with Time Outs, withdrawing privileges, or even yelling at) your child? &nbsp; Do you feel guilty after you punish them, wishing there was a way to just get them to listen? &nbsp; And do bribes ("If you brush your teeth now, you can have 5 minutes of screen time...") feel just as awful? &nbsp; But what other choice do you have? Your kids don't listen now, so how could not rewarding and punishing them possibly help? &nbsp; That's what parent Dr. Houri Parsi thought when I first met her. (Houri's doctorate is in clinical psychology, focused on behaviorist-based reward and punishment systems.) She wasn't ready to believe that abandoning the tools she'd been trained in would create a better outcome, when she measured her success as a parent by whether she got immediate compliance from her children. &nbsp; She ended up not completely abandoning these tools - because they still fit within her vision and values for her family (her vision is a bit different from mine, which is OK! The important thing is that she is living in alignment with her values!). &nbsp; But Houri's relationship with her children is profoundly different today than it was a couple of years ago. Her children have deep insight into their feelings and needs, and most of the time they're able to find ways to meet all of their needs. She no longer uses her power over them to get their immediate compliance - and that doesn't mean she gets walked all over either. &nbsp; Houri sees that this approach has built a deep reservoir of trust in their relationship - but occasionally a parent will slip, and will force the children to do something they aren't ready for. When you hear Houri describe how her daughter punished her husband for forcing an injection before she was ready, you might never look at your own child's misbehavior the same way again. &nbsp; You'll even find a new way to approach the age-old struggle of tooth brushing in this conversation that gets Houri's childrens' teeth brushed every morning without a fight! &nbsp; If you'd like to ditch the rewards and punishments (and also know that the teeth will still get brushed!) then I'd love to help you make that happen. &nbsp; &nbsp; You'll get: A new module of content every monthAccess to an amazing community of supportive parents, in what they've described as "the least judgmental corner of the internet"Answers to your questions in the community, via a video, or a 1:1 consult for especially thorny issues (recorded to share with the community; there's a library of these available for you to watch as well)Group coaching calls where I'll coach you live on your specific challenges (or you can lurk if you prefer...)ACTion groups: Up to five parents and an experienced peer coach meet weekly to help you plan how you'll achieve your visionA 20 minute 1:1 call with community manager Denise right after you sign up, so she can direct you to the resources that will help you most! &nbsp; It's gentle parenting that's also gentle on you (and isn't permissive!). The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! &nbsp; &nbsp; Other episodes mentioned: 009: Do you punish your child with rewards? Jump to highlights: 00:53 Introducing this episode’s topic and guest 04:09 Dr. Houri Parsi has been applying evidence-based parenting methods from the Your Parenting Mojo podcast for two years. 08:54 Dr. Houri talks about their initial parenting beliefs and later exploring respectful and mindful approaches as their children grew older. 16:24 Dr. Houri changed her parenting approach after joining the Parenting Membership, moving away from using rewards or punishments and focusing on understanding and trusting their children's needs instead. 27:11 Dr. Houri initially struggled with giving up rewards and punishments due to her behaviorism background but eventually shifted her parenting approach, opting for a collaborative and respectful parenting style. 39:46 Dr. Houri discussed her parenting style, focusing on aligning with personal values rather than enforcing compliance. 52:18 Dr. Houri encouraged parents to shift from guilt-driven authority to collaborative parenting.

Sustainable Family Change: Parenting Framework for Lasting Results Here's a little thought exercise: think back to what you were doing this time last year, right around Mother's Day (in the U.S...I know it has already passed in other places!). &nbsp; What kinds of things were your children doing that were really endearing? &nbsp; What kinds of things were they doing that drove you up the wall? &nbsp; What kinds of fights (resistance, back-talk, stalling, tantrums, etc.) were you having with them a year ago? &nbsp; Are you still having those same fights now (or variations on them)? &nbsp; Do you wish you weren't still having those fights? That you could get out of the endless cycle of trying an idea you saw on Instagram, seeing a small change, and backsliding to where you were before? &nbsp; Do you have all the tools you need so that a year from now you can look back and know, without any shadow of a doubt, that things are different now? &nbsp; Today I'm going to introduce you to several parents who have made exactly this shift, and a framework you can use to make it for yourself. &nbsp; It's not complicated. There are only five elements to it, and when they're all in place you can make sustainable change in parenting, as well as your own personal issues, work, and anything else you like. &nbsp; It really is very possible to make sustainable family change in parenting happen by yourself. But all of the five elements have to be in place, and operating consistently, to make it work. &nbsp; Losing focus on each one of the elements creates a different outcome, none of which are good: ConfusionAnxietyMaking slow progressFrustrationBeing on a treadmill &nbsp; If you can see already that one or more of these things are happening for you, the Parenting Membership will help you make the kind of sustainable change you want to see in your family. The first thing you'll do after you join is have a 20-minute private call with my community manager, Denise, who will see which element you're struggling with the most right now, and connect you to specific resources to help. &nbsp; Many of the parents who signed up this time last year are now in an entirely different place. Things like this are happening: Theirpreschoolerscan use a picture-based list to accurately identify their own feelings and needs;Parents are recognizing how their own actions are creating shame in their children, and are working to address this;Parents see which parts of their co-parenting struggles are theirs to own, instead of blaming their difficulties on their co-parents;They can also see which parts arenottheirs to own, make requests to get their needs met, and practice accepting their co-parent for who they are;Siblings are fighting less, because they understand each other's needs and can find strategies to meet both of their needs. &nbsp; Of course these parents still have hard days...but none of them looks back on who they were a year ago and thinks: "Aside from the fact that my kids are older, I don't really know what's different now from what it was a year ago." &nbsp; I want this kind of sustainable family change for you, too. It's so much more than taking a short course to learn a new skill. It's a fundamentally different way of being in the world. &nbsp; The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Other episodes mentioned: 042: How to teach a child to use manners175: I’ll be me; can you be you?206: How to find yourself as a parent209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner210: The power of learning in community Resources mentioned: Sustainable Change Diagram &nbsp; Jump to highlights: 00:56 Introducing today’s topic 02:01 Parent Niloufar's positive transformation in parenting through the Setting Loving (&amp; Effective!) Limits workshop 08:56 Parent Lucinda, a member for five years, shares how the membership transformed her self-awareness and empathy towards others' needs. 14:21 The elements of sustainable family change in parenting: vision, skills, motivation, resources, and a plan 15:02 Understanding your family values can make parenting easier and more intentional. 21:14 Skills like managing behavior and communication help parents handle challenges. 33:10 Motivation drives positive changes and fosters resilience even in challenging situations. 36:07 Resources are vital for lasting change. The Parenting Membership helps align values with actions by making smart use of resources for meaningful progress and sustainable change. 42:10 A clear plan is essential for lasting change. It acts as a roadmap, guiding actions toward goals and ensuring alignment with values. 50:23 Invitation to the Parenting Membership 53:45 Member’s testimonials

Are there parts of yourself that you don't share with other people? &nbsp; Things that you think: "If people knew that about me, they wouldn't love me / they'd think I'm a terrible person / they wouldn't even want to be around me"? &nbsp; When you mess up, does it seem like it's not that you did a silly/bad thing, but that you are a stupid/bad person? &nbsp; If your answer to any of these questions is "yes," then you're experiencing shame. &nbsp; Almost all of the parents I work with are ashamed of some aspect of themselves...but not Dee. &nbsp; That's not to say that Dee never struggles - far from it. But her struggles seem to feel more manageable to her, and she has a sense of 'right'-ness about her. &nbsp; If Dee recognizes that she has a need, it never occurs to her to not ask for help from others in getting that need met. &nbsp; How did this happen? What implications does it have for how we can raise our children so they don't experience shame? &nbsp; In this episode, Dee shares her story and her top three ideas for raising children in a shame-free environment with us. &nbsp; If you realize that shame has been a huge part of your childhood (and even adulthood) and you're ready for help healing that so you can be the kind of parent you want to be, I do hope you'll join me (and Dee!) in the Parenting Membership. &nbsp; We don't just learn how to make parenting easier (although that is a big focus!). We also work to heal ourselves so we can show up as whole people in our own lives. &nbsp; The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! &nbsp; &nbsp; Other episodes mentioned: 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner212: How to make the sustainable change you want to see Jump to highlights 00:59 Introducing today’s topic and featured guest 6:31 Dee talks about her life, interests, and journey as a parent, including travel, family, and retirement plans. 09:24 Dee reflects on her supportive mom, who embraced their behavior as expressions of needs and valued their personalities. 12:39 Dee reflects on her nurturing upbringing, emphasizing the importance of feeling loved and accepted. This foundation drives her to seek intentional parenting strategies. 20:31 Dee learned to negotiate needs and boundaries with her child, leading to mutual respect and a harmonious dynamic. 30:39 Dee shares her experiences in the Parenting Membership community where she finds support and insights through coaching calls, ACTion group, and modules on topics that help her navigate parenting challenges and personal growth. 40:50 Through the Parenting Membership, Dee learned to address resentment, prioritize her needs, and communicate better with her partner for a healthier balance. 01:06:15 Three things Dee suggests for parents to try on based on the conversation. 01:09:39 Wrapping up

Do you have a core group of parent friends who are always there for you? Friends who might not be 100% aligned with your parenting philosophy, but they're close enough that you know that when they do offer suggestions you would at least consider doing them? &nbsp; And on the days when you just want to just vent and not hear any advice at all, you know that it'll be totally fine for you to vent. They won't take offense and they'll just empathize and reassure you that you aren't a terrible parent; you're a great parent having a difficult day - because they've seen you on your good days as well. &nbsp; In this episode I'll introduce you to SIX parents who have just this kind of relationship. Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, and Kati live in the eastern United States and Jody is Australia, and they meet once a week on Zoom for 40 minutes, and each of them talks for just five minutes...and in that time, they've become incredibly close friends. The relationships they have with each other are among the deepest and most profound ones in their lives. &nbsp; If you need a supportive community like this in your life then I'd love to see you in the Parenting Membership, which is where Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, Kati, and Jody met. &nbsp; The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Jump to highlights: 01:43 Introducing today’s episode 03:19 The Parenting Membership features ACTion groups that meet weekly, offering valuable support and insights into effective parenting strategies. 04:50 The ACTion Group is about parents coming together weekly to share their parenting progress, challenges, and goals in a supportive and accountable environment. 19:21 The ACTion Group's collaborative problem-solving and support for parent Rachel's challenge with her son were showcased, emphasizing a collective effort in addressing parenting difficulties. 26:54 The ACTion Group supports Beth in addressing her holiday break challenge and need for rest, fostering solutions and self-awareness. 33:13 The ACTion Group helps Peju integrate changes by realizing the importance of apologizing to her son and holding herself accountable to her family values. 39:40 The Action Group explored Jody's challenges with his parents, highlighting the shift towards acceptance instead of forgiveness, leading to a sense of relief and reduced emotional reactivity for him. 47:11 The group shared how the ACTion group has positively impacted their parenting journey through accountability, celebration, and community support. They emphasized the non-judgmental environment, learning from each other's experiences, and the value of consistent participation in personal growth. 01:06:59 Invitation to join the Parenting Membership

Do you ever fight with your partner? &nbsp; Do you ever fight with your partner about parenting? &nbsp; (Pretty much all of the couples I work with do both of those things.) &nbsp; And these arguments tend to follow a pretty well-defined formula: Child misbehaves.Parent A gets overwhelmed,criticizesthe child and snaps at Partner B for not doing more to help.Parent B and says that clearly Parent A's 'better parenting approach' isn't working, since the kids are still misbehaving - this iscontempt.Parent A knows they don't want to parent the way they were raised, and also knows they aren't doing things totally in alignment with their values right now. Parent A has done a lot of work to try to heal themselves, but worries that it isn't happening fast enough to protect their children. And isn't it better than the bribing and punishing that Parent B is doing? They're beingdefensive.Parent Bstonewalls- they are overwhelmed and shuts down, refusing to talk about the issue.Both partners walk away feeling frustrated, wonder how on earth it got to this point, and feel hopeless that it will ever improve. &nbsp; If your fights look like this, I'm here to let you know that there is hope! &nbsp; Last year I did Levels 1 and 2 (of 3 levels) of Gottman Method training. The Gottman Method is basically the only evidence-based framework for couple's therapy. &nbsp; Drs. John &amp; Julie Gottman describe the main ways they see couples struggle in their communication, and named them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - you saw all of them in the example above. &nbsp; How many of the Horsemen show up in your fights? &nbsp; (Criticism is almost always the first Horseman to arrive. Interrupt that, and you can communicate in entirely different ways.) &nbsp; If you wish there was a better way to communicate about these challenging issues with your partner so you could actually get on the same page and parent as a team, today's episode will show you how to do that. &nbsp; You'll see a couple, Dee and Jono, who usually walk away from each other in frustration after they discuss their roles in the family. &nbsp; In this conversation they use very different tools. We didn't completely resolve the issue, but they kept going with the conversation by themselves and gave me permission to also share Dee's report of what happened after the call - which was really magical! &nbsp; Learn more about how you can avoid using The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and what tools to use instead so you can actually discuss these kinds of difficult topics with your partner. &nbsp; It's really hard to learn these kinds of communication skills on your own. I'd actually read one of the Gottmans' books but didn't really see how to apply the ideas in my own relationship until I did their four-day training. &nbsp; During the training I realized that they use basically the same set of tools I use to help parents with their children's behavior, but with a couple of key weaknesses. So I recruited couples from the Parenting Membership and created a series of demo videos so you can learn the skills and see couples practicing them. &nbsp; There are cheat sheets, starter scripts, and quizzes to help you identify the Four Horsemen in real couples' arguments. &nbsp; Couples who have used these tools report not just that they're able to address their disagreements more easily, but they're having fewer squabbles in the first place because things just seem to 'flow' in a way they hadn't before. &nbsp; I'll coach you (live!) on how to use the tools with your own partner in the Parenting Membership. &nbsp; Discover how our Parenting Membership can provide invaluable support and guidance. Share this letter with your partner to help them understand the benefits of joining our community. Together, we can make parenting easier and more enjoyable. &nbsp; The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! &nbsp; &nbsp; Other episode mentioned: 207: How to not be a permissive parent Jump to highlights 00:53 Introducing today’s topic 02:27 The Parenting Membership's "Parenting As A Team" module, inspired by the Gottmans' research, provides valuable guidance on communication and relationships, empowering members with tools for stronger partnerships. 09:46 Introducing the historical approach to aiding couples in managing relationship challenges, along with the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" behaviors and their remedies 15:36 Dee and Jono engage in a coaching session, where CG, a non-professional coach, showcases her active listening skills. This session highlights the importance of validation and reflective listening in resolving conflicts and understanding perspectives, emphasizing the need for external support and skill-building within communities for improved communication and relationships. 32:48 Dee and Jono's coaching call led to commitments to nurture equality through daily appreciation, shared responsibilities, and seeking peer coaching for equitab

&nbsp; Do you ever wish that you know the appropriate logical consequence to give your child (aged 1-10) for each different kind of misbehavior you see? When your toddler empties the water out of the dog's bowl for the 10th time today...When your preschooler climbs on the table three minutes after you told them to get off it...When your kindergartener refuses to come to the table for dinner (and you know they're going to announce they're hungry in an hour)...When your elementary schooler won't get dressed in the morning (even though you know they are FULLY CAPABLE of doing it themselves) without 300 increasingly nagging, pleading, and begging 'reminders' from you... &nbsp; Wouldn't it be amazing to have the PERFECT logical consequence ready that would be appropriately proportioned to the misbehavior, and also just get your child to do the thing you're asking without you having to ask again??? &nbsp; But here's the thing about logical consequences: they essentially say to our child: "I don't care why you don't want to do this thing; I just want you to do it." &nbsp; If we saw one adult saying that to another adult, we would call it 'emotional abuse.' &nbsp; So why do we do it to our children? &nbsp; Because it seems like we don't have another option to get through the day. &nbsp; We actually have many other options; it's just hard to remember them all and which one to use in which circumstance. &nbsp; In today's episode, I'll tell you the three main reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them). &nbsp; And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up for the Setting Loving (&amp; Effective!) Limits workshop. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more. &nbsp; &nbsp; Other episodes mentioned: 182: How to get frustrating behaviors to stop193: You don't have to believe everything you think200: Ask Alvin Anything Part 1 &nbsp; Jump to highlights: 00:52 Introducing today’s topic 02:32 Invitation to join the Setting Loving (&amp; Effective!) Limits workshop 11:08 The number 3 reason why setting limits is so hard 12:58 The importance of respectful communication and mutual understanding in parent-child interactions, highlighting scenarios where setting limits may not always be the most effective solution 25:04 The number 2 reason why it's hard to set limits 26:02 Setting limits and respecting a child's autonomy, advocating for a collaborative approach to parenting 28:41 The number 1 reason why we find it so hard to set limits 29:12 The importance of understanding and meeting both children's and parents' needs to find effective solutions to behavioral challenges, emphasizing the negative consequences of ignoring or dismissing a child's needs 41:44 Parent Cori challenges with her son's teeth brushing and the positive change brought about by understanding the child’s need for autonomy 45:42 Three great resources (and they're all free!) for parents with the same struggles as Cori’s

&nbsp; Sometimes when listeners write to me, fun things happen! 🤪 &nbsp; Listener Diana replied to a recent email because she had listened to quite a lot of my episodes (although more of the earlier ones than the recent ones) and she was generally on board with my approach. &nbsp; But she was having a hard time! Despite doing a lot of things for her children, and trying to remain calm and 'unruffled' and show that she loves them unconditionally, but as pretty often when she asked them to do something they sometimes scream at her for offering to help, they attempt to boss her around, and they're inflexible and rude. &nbsp; So what's going on here? &nbsp; Have we (finally) met children for whom my approach simply does not work? &nbsp; Of course, as soon as I received Diana's email I wanted to talk with her. She gamely agreed to come on the podcast, although she did want to protect her privacy so there's no video for this episode. &nbsp; We talked through the kinds of situations she often finds herself in, and some of the reasons why her daughter, in particular, might be acting this way. It turned out that in her indecision, Diana was drifting into permissive parenting, which meant that her children didn't know her needs - because Diana didn't know her own needs. &nbsp; We identified quite a few practical things she could try to consider both her own and her children's needs, and there's also a message in the episode that Diana sent me a week after we talked, sharing how things were going. &nbsp; Setting Loving (&amp; Effective!) Limits &nbsp; Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (&amp; Effective!) Limits workshop is for you. &nbsp; Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm &amp; collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up now for the Setting Loving (&amp; Effective!) Limits workshop. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more. &nbsp; &nbsp; Other episode mentioned: Q&amp;A#5: What really matters in parenting? Part 1 Jump to highlights: 00:48 Introducing today’s guest and topic 08:58 Diana reflects on challenges with implementing a respectful parenting philosophy and navigating differences with her high-sensitivity, high-intensity child. 13:14 Diana shares parenting struggles, negotiating with her kids, and feeling disrespected in their interactions. 26:51 Diana reflects on supporting her daughter during dysregulated moments, while Jen illustrates the importance of context in understanding behavior. 31:12 They address Diana's daughter's need for predictability and resistance to sudden changes. 46:58 The dialogue emphasizes the importance of understanding and articulating individual needs to avoid permissive parenting while ensuring both the parent's and child's needs are met. 01:00:57 The conversation highlighted the importance of understanding underlying needs behind a child's behavior, leading to a shift in perspective for the parent. 01:06:00 Three actionable steps for listeners to implement the concepts discussed

It can be really hard to see what's happening in our struggles with our children. They refuse to go to bed at bedtime; we're at home alone all day with a baby who doesn't like being put down, and our older child who is now being aggressive, and there's no time for us to even take a shower, and maybe it seems like everyone around us is judging our parenting choices. &nbsp; In this very different episode you're going to hear from parents who are in exactly these kinds of situations, and who joined me for a group coaching call to talk through them. We worked through a role play with one parent, Meagan, and then we saw how the same process could apply to lots of other different kinds of situations. &nbsp; Several of the parents who joined the call were kind enough to record messages after the call letting me know how the experience was for them, and with their permission I've included these recordings in the episode as well. &nbsp; So if you're struggling to find your groove as a parent; if you're struggling to find yourself, this episode will help. &nbsp; Parenting Membership If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out. &nbsp; The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Other episode mentioned: 181: Why 'giving choices' doesn't work--and what to do instead &nbsp; Jump to highlights 01:26 Introducing today’s topic 02:11 Jen talks about hosting a group coaching call for Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group members, challenging misconceptions about coaching benefits. 03:26 Participants, like Parent Kendra, express feeling connected with others and finding solace in normalizing the challenges of parenting, even in a virtual setting. 07:38 Participants shared their parenting challenges, including ADHD, tantrums, social expectations, and bedtime struggles, seeking guidance and support during the coaching call. 14:28 The conversation explores Parent Meagan's bedtime struggles with her daughter Ava, highlighting Meagan's stress and Ava's desire for autonomy and connection. Strategies to address both needs are discussed. 36:30 The conversation explores Jen's struggle balancing caregiving, household tasks, and family time. It touches on her discomfort with her baby's crying, rooted in her own childhood experiences. 46:58 The conversation discusses supporting children with neurodivergent traits, emphasizing the challenges of maintaining routines and social interactions. 56:37 Parent Kendra shares her challenge navigating societal expectations in parenting across different cultures. 01:09:05 Whitney shares how she applied the concept of understanding her son's perspective and needs during bedtime struggles. This shift in perspective helped her empathize more with her son's feelings and frustrations. 01:15:12 Invitation to the Setting Loving (and Effective!) Limits workshop

I have to admit, I’m a bit scared to say it… The P-word… “Patriarchy.”(Phew! I did it!)I know some listeners find it hard to hear. I’ve spoken with more than one woman who has told me: “I sent your podcast to my husband but then he heard the word “Patriarchy” and it was all over. There’s some sadness there for me, for sure. Every time I talk about patriarchy I talk about how much it hurts me and those of us who identify as women – but I also talk about how much it hurts men as well. And that’s not just lip service: I truly believe that patriarchy has robbed men of a full emotional life. I was talking with a parent in the Parenting Membership recently who asked her husband if he ever felt truly seen and understood. He said ‘no,’ and ended the conversation. She cried as she told me: “I feel so sad for him that he doesn’t know that he could be seen and understood, so he doesn’t even realize he’s missing it.” We can know these things conceptually, and we can think that patriarchy kind of sucks, but maybe we think there’s not a lot we can do about it. After all, isn’t the man the one who really needs to change? Member Iris and I had had a conversation in the membership a couple of months before I was in Vancouver for the Parenting Beyond Power book tour, where she mentioned that she’d been thinking a lot about how patriarchy shows up in her life. We made plans to get together to record an episode while I was in town – and here it is! Iris and I discuss: The power and control that men held over women and girls as she grew up in the Philippines, including casting out female family members with out-of-wedlock pregnancies, while nothing happened to the men who got them pregnant (and lest we think this couldn't possibly happen where we live, men have very real power over women's pregnancies in the United States as well right now too...) How she sees herself catering to her husband’s needs - adjusting her daily schedule to his; eating what he wanted for dinner even if she preferred something different; perceiving that he expects her to do more than half of the household, even though neither of them works for income; Patriarchal messages that are being passed on to her daughter about the value of marriage, children, and meeting men’s needs. Even though she’s no longer in the Philippines, Iris still sees patriarchy in her relationship with her husband and daughter. She even sees how it hurts her husband, who is looked down upon in our culture because he doesn't present in a typically 'masculine' way. She shares the practices she’s using to pass on different messages to her daughter about a woman’s role in a family and in the world. But I don’t think we should only have these kinds of conversations with our daughters. We should also talk with our boys about their feelings, and encourage them to fully experience their pain, hurt, and joy, and teach them that it’s OK to care about other people and not be an island that feels no pain and never cries. Enjoy this beautiful conversation with Iris. &nbsp; Parenting Beyond Power Parenting is tough, but when we shift away from traditional power dynamics to collaboration, family life becomes smoother today. Conventional discipline methods may temporarily stop challenging behaviors, but they reinforce harmful lessons about power and control. Parenting Beyond Power offers a groundbreaking framework to understand and meet our children's needs, fostering respect and empathy. With sample scripts and practical resources, Parenting Beyond Power empowers you to transform your parenting journey. Get your copy now! Click the banner to learn more: &nbsp; Jump to highlights 00:49 Introducing today’s guest and topic 06:30 Iris discusses the impact of patriarchy on her family, revealing how gender roles and expectations affected her parents' dynamics and sense of self-worth. 12:52 Iris discusses her family's emotional dynamics and the lasting impact of patriarchal double standards on her parenting approach. 17:51 Iris reflects on her teenage years, grappling with societal norms and confronting patriarchal expectations in her relationships. 22:35 Iris cuts her hair short in defiance of patriarchal norms, challenging traditional notions of feminine beauty and reclaiming her autonomy. 24:21 Iris reflects on societal pressures and gender roles within her marriage, highlighting the challenges of conforming to traditional expectations. 33:31 Iris encourages daughter Malaya's autonomy, challenges traditional gender roles, and fosters open communication within the family. 41:07 Women play a part in perpetuating patriarchal norms in families and should strive to empower daughters through shared decision-making and open dialogue. 44:29 Iris stresses the value of rest for herself, challenging the idea that productivity determines worth, especially under capitalism. 46:16 Iris reflects on the dynamics of waiting for male approval and envisions a future where her daughter confidently asserts herself. 49:19

Sara has always tried really hard to not just be a good parent, but a really good parent. The best parent. (When I coached her and her partner recently to create some content for the Parenting Membership that you'll hear more about in a few weeks, her partner said to her: You hold everyone else to a high standard. You hold yourself to a higher standard.) &nbsp; Sara put a lot of pressure on herself, and this was even harder because she she didn't have the most amazing parental role models. They often fought in front of Sara and her sibling (with insults and name calling a regular part of the mix), and they didn't repair afterward. &nbsp; The difficult communication between parents extended to the children as well - Sara started to fight back when she was spanked, which escalated to physical fights as she got older. If she tried to talk with her Mom about previous incidents then her Mom would make out that she was the victim, while her Dad would whiz her down to Baskin Robbins for ice cream to win back her love. Sara withdrew, stopped sharing anything with her parents and isolated herself in her room - devouring books and the all the things on the early days of the internet. &nbsp; So when she became a parent, it's not surprising she felt triggered! Conflict abounded! Conflict with her partner, and with her children - she knew how she WANTED to navigate it (in a way that modeled healthy conflict for her children), but how could she do that when she had no idea how? &nbsp; We talk about conflict in this episode, and we also talk about needs. It turns out that Sara had needs (who knew!) and when she started to identify and meet them, the magic happened. &nbsp; Spending time doing things for herself, to meet her need for creativity, created time to spend with her husband and children. &nbsp; She realized she had been trying to do a lot of multitasking to try to fit everything in, but never spent time doing things she truly loved. Once she did, the background noise of that unmet need went quiet in her mind, and then she could actually enjoy spending time with her family. &nbsp; Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, &nbsp; the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. &nbsp; Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more! &nbsp; Jump to highlights 00:49 Introducing today’s topic and guest 02:27 Sara’s upbringing and family life 07:40 Sara's pandemic parenting insights 11:28 The challenges of striving for excellence as a parent, especially in trying circumstances 13:55 Sara's decision to join the Parenting Membership before exploring Taming Your Triggers 16:33 Sara's specific triggers that prompted her to recognize the need for support 20:20 Sara’s initial experiences and emotions as she embarked on Taming Your Triggers workshop 26:16 Why Sara chose to prioritize journaling, its impact, and the major shifts she experienced throughout the workshop 30:51 How Sara approached parenting with an audience 33:00 Discovering recurring needs during the workshop that Sara hadn't noticed before 35:06 Sara’s realization that prioritizing self-care actually creates more time in her busy schedule 36:32 What changes Sara has noticed regarding her triggers 39:19 Mild, medium, and spicy practices for parents 42:19 Wrapping up discussion

Last year I hosted a panel event in Vancouver where four people who have been active in helping us to navigate toward an anti-racist, post-patriarchal, post-capitalist future came together to share their ideas in front of a live audience. &nbsp; It was a beautiful event (eventually we'll process the video of it to share with you!), and I really hit it off with Moms Against Racism Canada founder Kerry Cavers so we got together afterward to chat. &nbsp; This is a much more personal episode than many. I actually didn't know it was going to be an episode beforehand - I thought we were going to record something that would be mostly for Kerry to use to explain her work to potential funders. But when I realized what gold we had, I decided to release the video as an episode. &nbsp; I did realize that we were lacking in some specific take-home messages for listeners, so I asked whether Kerry would be willing to share some ideas for ways to take action on anti-racism with us. She has a lot going on at the moment so she wasn't able to record something for us, but she did put together a VERY comprehensive list of actions that I recorded at the end of the episode. &nbsp; I've also created a PDF of her ideas that you can print and refer back to more easily - click the button below to download it. &nbsp; Enjoy the conversation! &nbsp; Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, &nbsp; the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. &nbsp; Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more! &nbsp; &nbsp; Jump to highlights 00:53 Introducing this episode’s topic and guest 03:31 Kerry's insights into her role within Mom's Against Racism and discusses the organization's mission and initiatives 05:49 MAR’s origin and founding motivations 13:54 The various forms and manifestations of racism in Canadian society 18:50 How members of Moms Against Racism are guided in unlearning racism 24:49 Kerry reflects on her upbringing, sharing how her mother's personal challenges and disconnection from her cultural identity left a void in her understanding of her own heritage 28:00 Kerry’s thoughts on Parenting Beyond Power 31:14 Kerry talks about which tools from the book resonated with her and if she's been able to use them 43:02 Why Kerry agreed to join the Culture Talks Panel Event 47:22 Jen’s commitment to addressing issues like White privilege and patriarchy, striving to make a positive impact 50:38 Kerry’s Ideas for Anti-Racist Actions for Parents

Listener Roberta submitted a question recently on YourParentingMojo.com/question: &nbsp; What does the research say are the decisions that really matter in parenting? &nbsp; That question immediately got my brain churning about what could be included, and how we would decide what to include, and how much of what's included could actually be research-based. &nbsp; The episode begins with a look at some of the major categories of factors that impact our children's development that we may not have as much control over, because we have to acknowledge these before we can look at what we do impact. &nbsp; Then I look at some of the things we do control but I think we can pretty safely stop worrying about them. The impact that each of these things has is likely to be so tiny as to individually meaningless. &nbsp; Finally, I count down my list of the top 5 things that I think impact children's development. &nbsp; This episode is for parents of children aged about 2 onwards. I think infants have some different needs, and I'm planning a separate episode on those later in the year. &nbsp; Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, &nbsp; the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. &nbsp; Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more! &nbsp; &nbsp; Other episodes/blogs referenced: 014: Understanding the AAP’s new screen time guidelines052: Grit: The unique factor in your child’s success?061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype?067: Does the Marshmallow Test tell us anything useful?068: Do I HAVE to pretend play with my child?148: Is spanking a child really so bad?196: How to do right by your child – and everyone else’s with Dr. Elizabeth CrippsWhy people claim that gentle parenting ‘doesn’t work’https://www.parentifact.org/why-does-parenting-advice-seem-to-change-so-often/ &nbsp; Jump to highlights 00:54 Introducing the topic 01:09 Question from Listener Roberta 07:43 Socio-economic status affects a child's environment and parenting approaches 18:25 Jeannou's journey reveals the intricate link between upbringing and well-being 27:39 To understand what truly matters in parenting, we must consider both achievable outcomes and deeper definitions of success. 29:38 List of things that are not worth worrying about for children in their toddler years and beyond 33:06 The five things that really matter in parenting 48:21 Wrapping up the discussion &nbsp; References Bradley, R.H., &amp; Corwyn, R.F. (2002). Socioeconomic status and child development. Annual Review of Psychology 53, 371-99. Hoff, E., Laursen, B., &amp; Tardif, T. (2019). Socioeconomic status and parenting. In: M. H. Bornstein (Ed.). Handbook of parenting Volume 2: Biology and ecology of parenting (p.421-447). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Myers, D.G. (2008). Will money buy happiness? In S. Lopez (2008), Positive psychology: Exploring the best in people (Vol. 4: Pursuing human flourishing). Westport, CT: Praeger. Polderman, T.J.C., Benyamin, B., de Leeuw, C.A., Sullivan, P.F., van Bochoven, A., Visscher, P.M., &amp; Posthuma, D. (2015). Meta-analysis of the heritability of human traits based on fifty years of twin studies. Nature Genetics 47(7), 702. Ulferts, H. (2020). Why parenting matters for children in the 21st century: An evidence-based framework for understanding parenting and its impact on child development. Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development Education Working Paper No. 222. Retrieved from: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Hannah-Ulferts/publication/342082899_Why_parenting_matters_for_children_in_the_21st_century_An_evidence-based_framework_for_understanding_parenting_and_its_impact_on_child_development/links/5ee1eb5aa6fdcc73be702921/Why-parenting-matters-for-children-in-the-21st-century-An-evidence-based-framework-for-understanding-parenting-and-its-impact-on-child-development.pdf

My mom died when I was 10, and for a while people in our small village would look at my sister and me as if we were 'special' in some weird way. By the time I was a young adult that was just one of a stew of difficult experiences I'd had, and I also realized: my stuff is not special. &nbsp; By that age, most people are carrying around some kind of trauma. &nbsp; But so what? Does it matter? If our mental health is good enough, does it help to wallow around in all the stuff that's in the past? &nbsp; In this episode we talk with Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, who has pioneered the connections between these kinds of Adverse Childhood Experiences and medical care for children, as well as Jackie Thu-Huong Wong, Executive Director of First 5 California. &nbsp; We'll learn: What is an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE);How ACEs can influence not only our physical but our mental health as well;What we know about the protective effects of relationships with caring adultsDr. Burke Harris' opinions of the 'best' authoritative parenting style;A new feature in our episodes: mild, medium, and spicy options for parents who want to dip their toe into the water on this topic, or dive more deeply. &nbsp; Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, &nbsp; the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. &nbsp; Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more! &nbsp; &nbsp; Other episode mentioned: 148: Is spanking a child really so bad? &nbsp; Jump to highlights 01:26 Introducing today’s topic and guests 04:20 Clarifying the concept of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and their origin 06:37 Discussing how Dr. Burke Harris’s research expanded the understanding of ACEs beyond family-focused indicators 10:05 Exploring the paradox of declining death rates and the ongoing prevalence of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) 13:08 Highlighting the Stronger Starts campaign and the four key interventions (Four Be’s) 19:45 Limited resources pose overwhelming challenges for families, impacting decisions between staying in harmful situations and seeking help 22:39 Questioning the correlational nature of ACEs data 31:53 Addressing intergenerational trauma, the concern is raised for parents struggling with the transmission of intergenerational trauma 37:08 A listener, reflecting on childhood experiences and societal norms of good parenting, raises a question about Dr. Diana Baumrind's work 38:40 Emphasizing the Stronger Starts campaign's reliance on current research, evolving scientific understanding is paralleled with historical shifts (evident in changing perspectives on corporal punishment) 46:18 Wrapping up the discussion with three engagement options (mild, medium, spicy) &nbsp; Resources The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Trauma and Adversity– Dr. Nadine Burke Harris (affiliate link)First 5 California website– for parentsNumberStory.org– for parentsACEsAware.org– for healthcare providers &nbsp; References Anda, R.F., Porter, L.E., &amp; Brown, D.W. (2020). Inside the Adverse Childhood Experience score: Strengths, limitations, and misapplications. American Journal of Preventive Medicine 59(2), 293-295. Baldwin, J.R., Caspi, A., Meehan, A.J., Ambler, A., Arseneault, L., Fisher, H.L., Harrington, H., Matthews, T., Odgers, C.L., Poulton, R. and Ramrakha, S. (2021). Population vs individual prediction of poor health from results of adverse childhood experiences screening. JAMA Pediatrics, 175(4), 385-393. Boparai, S.K.P., Au, V., Koita, K., Oh, D.L., Briner, S., Burke Harris, NB., &amp; Bucci, M. (2018). Child Abuse &amp; Neglect 81, 82-105. Briggs, E., Amaya-Jackson, L., Putnam, K.T., &amp; Putnam, F.W. (2021). All adverse childhood experiences are not equal: The contribution of synergy to Adverse Childhood Experience scores. American Psychologist 76(2), 243. Burke Harris, N. (2018). The deepest well: Healing the long-term effects of childhood adversity. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. [Note: the book was republished also in 2018 under the title: Toxic childhood stress: The legacy of early trauma and how to heal.] Camacho, S., &amp; Henderson, S.C. (2022). The social determinants of Adverse Childhood Experiences: An intersectional analysis of place, access to resources, and compounding effects. Carlson, S., Borrell, L.N., Eng, C., Nguyen, M., Thyne, S., LeNoir, M.A., Burke-Harris, N., Burchard, E.G., &amp; Thakur, N. (2017). Self-reported racial/ethnic discrimination and bronchodilator response in African American youth with asthma. PLoS ONE 12(6), e0179091. Felitti, V.J., Anda, R.F., Nordenberg, D.,

When Carys was about three, I forced a dropper of antibiotics into her mouth to just get her to take it, so she would start to feel better. We were both tired and hangry and I didn't see another path forward, when she was refusing something that I knew would help her. What other choice did I have? &nbsp; My husband did see another path when he arrived home later that evening, and before she went to bed she willingly took a full dose of the medicine. &nbsp; These kinds of situations come up often in parenting: where we're trying to get our child to do something, perhaps even for their own health and safety, and they refuse. It can seem like the only path forward is to force them against their will - after all, we are doing this for their own good, right? &nbsp; But what if there was another way to make these things happen that met your child's needs for autonomy over their own bodies, and also met your needs for peace and ease and harmony and protection of their health and safety? &nbsp; That's what we'll work through in today's episode. We'll look closely at the way consent is perceived in our culture, and how these messages are transmitted - in school, in peer groups, in movies and songs, and in our families. &nbsp; I'm also introducing a new element into podcast episodes to help you put the ideas in the episode into practice. At the end of the episode I offer three suggestions for things you could try in your relationship with your own child - organized into mild, medium, and spicy options so you can step in at the level that feels right to you. &nbsp; Trigger warning: I do discuss sexual assault in this episode. It might not be one you listen to with your children around, and if you have experienced sexual assault, please make sure you're well resourced if you do choose to listen. &nbsp; Setting Loving (&amp; Effective!) Limits Are there times when your child doesn’t listen? &nbsp; Do they stall, ignore you, refuse to do the things you ask…and then look you right in the eye while doing the thing you asked them NOT to do? &nbsp; Do you feel disrespected when your child does these things – but have no idea what to do about it because the one thing you KNOW is that you don’t want to treat your child the same way your parents treated you? &nbsp; If so, the Setting Loving (&amp; Effective!) Limits workshop will help. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more &nbsp; &nbsp; Other episodes mentioned: 079: What is RIE?084: The Science of RIE &nbsp; Jump to highlights 00:54 Introducing today’s topic 05:24 Getting consent from babies through non-verbal cues 14:12 The existence of a rape culture that normalizes and trivializes sexual assault 16:55 Understanding consent beyond the typical script of cisgender heterosexual relationships 23:36 How distorted perceptions of feminism impact consent education 27:05 The importance of discussing consent beyond sexual situations 30:00 The lack of emphasis on consent in sex education standards and children's exposure to problematic portrayals of sex in media 41:19 The importance of teaching consent from childhood to counter rape culture rooted in patriarchal norms 45:49 Practical steps for parents to promote consent with their children 49:18 Listener Cori's experience underscores the importance of understanding a child's needs, promoting autonomy, and building consent-based relationships from an early age 56:02 The conclusion suggests three options for implementing the ideas discussed in the episode &nbsp; References Beres, M.A. (2021). From ignorance to knowledge: Sexual consent and queer stories. Feminism &amp; Psychology 32(2), 137-155. Global News (2018, May 11). Asking your child if you can change their diaper raises them to know their consent matters: Expert. Author. Retrieved from: https://globalnews.ca/video/4202379/asking-your-child-if-you-can-change-their-diaper-raises-them-to-know-their-consent-matters-expert Gupta, D. [@Neo_url] (2018, February 18). If you’ve ever tried to put your finger up a straight guy’s ass during sex, you’ll know that they actually understand ongoing consent, withdrawal of consent and sexual boundaries very well. They act confused when it’s our bodies. [Tweet]. Retrieved from: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrollXChromosomes/comments/807c3m/for_the_guys_confused_about_consent/ Johnson, M., &amp; Bennett, E. (2015, March). Everyday sexism: Australian women’s experiences of street harassment. The Australia Institute. Retrieved from: https://australiainstitute.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/Everyday_sexism_TAIMarch2015_0.pdf Kettrey, H.K., Davis, A.J., &amp; Liberman, J. (2021). “Consent is F#@king Required”: Hashtag feminism surrounding sexual consent in a culture of postfeminist contradictions. Social Media + Society October-December, 1-11. Loick, D. (2019). “…as if it were a thing.” A feminist critique of consent. Constellations, 1-11. McGuire, L. (2021). Creating cultures of consent: A guide for parents and educators. Lanham, MD: Rowman &amp; Little

When I saw that our 200th episode was coming up, I knew I wanted to do something special to celebrate. Listeners called in with questions for me for our 100th episode, which was released in September 2019. The numbering is a bit fuzzy, I have to admit - we're actually well over 200 episodes because there have been an assortment of Sharing Your Parenting Mojo conversations with parents and other folks that use a different numbering system, but whatever. It's still a milestone😊 &nbsp; Back then, I was just getting into exploring big social justice issues on the podcast. Early in 2020 I did two episodes on how patriarchy affects our parenting, followed by an extended series on the intersection of race and parenting, and several episodes on advertising and consumerism. &nbsp; We learned a lot about sex, and I started what has become a series of 'deconstructed' episodes where I examine an idea that is usually assumed to be 'the way it is,' and find out that perhaps that isn't the way it is after all. I looked at: How most of what we think we know about attachment theory is probably wrong Authoritative isn't the best parenting 'style' The current darling of anyone working on mental health, Polyvagal theory, is most likely a myth (although it may still be a somewhat useful myth) &nbsp; In June of 2022, in preparation for a pair of episodes on supporting neurodivergent parents and children, I interviewed Dr. Hanna Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, who is autistic, to test out the autism screener. I wasn't expecting it to return a positive result for me, ultimately resulting in a self-diagnosis that, of course, I shared in an episode. Lots of listeners reached out after that one to offer gratitude, and one message I will carry for a long time said something like: "I always conceptually knew that neurodivergent people have value but it wasn't until I heard how your autism helps you to process all of this information for us that I truly got it." &nbsp; So given that you've heard a lot from and about me over the last few years, I thought a natural next step would be to offer listeners the option of asking my husband Alvin anything they wanted! &nbsp; We received quite a few questions, and two listeners - iris, who has been around for many years, and Corrine who joined us more recently - stepped up to co-interview him. I was quite willing to throw him to the wolves and let him do the interview himself but he wanted me to be there, so I joined as well. (I should note that the conversation was scheduled for a week when some really hard things were happening in a community that I'm in, and my energy level was a bit low.) &nbsp; Alvin has many amazing qualities but succinctness has never been among them, so unfortunately we only made it through about half of iris and Corrine's questions, as well as those that listeners submitted. We did talk about: Alvin's relationship with his own parents (who think we're terrible parents to Carys); How we met (an inappropriate workplace relationship!); How Carys is similar to/different from us; What I was like before I started the podcast compared to now; How Alvin has changed over the last 10 years, as a person and as a parent - and how he's deepening his relationship with Carys using Your Parenting Mojo's tools &nbsp; We plan to come back for round two in the future! &nbsp; Here are a couple of things we talked about on the episode: A somewhat difficult-to-see picture of Alvin with long bleached hair My guides to hiking the Tour du Mont Blanc with a baby &nbsp; Jump to highlights 00:42 Introduction to this episode 00:55 Guest hosts Iris and Corrine introduce themselves 06:54 Alvin shares the elevator pitch for his love story with Jen 15:18 Jen’s qualities that drew Alvin to her 20:42 Alvin’s childhood and family interactions while growing up 27:17 Family conflicts arising from diverse approaches to meeting core needs, especially in Carys's relationship with her grandparents 32:22 The changes (if any) in Jen's personality and approach to parenting from before she started researching the topic to the present 37:28 Alvin’s reflection on the impact and significance of Your Parenting Mojo 43:51 The ways Carys differs from Jen and Alvin 47:14 The most significant shifts for Alvin as a parent and as a person. 57:56 Wrapping up the discussion

Listener Rachel also reached out with some questions, and due to my book tour schedule it took us a little longer to get a call on the calendar, but eventually - on a day in Seattle when I also had a coaching call and two two-hour workshops based on the book - we made it happen. &nbsp; Rachel's questions go deeeep. She wanted to know: &nbsp; If there are ideas I logically know are the right ones to follow but I still have trouble doing it; How my parenting is evolving as Carys gets older (her own daughter is a year older than Carys); Whether I think my view of parenting is possible within the social and political systems in which we currently live. &nbsp; Parenting Beyond Power Do you want to change the way you parent and make a positive impact on your family and the world? &nbsp; Parenting Beyond Power is your key to unlocking this transformative path. &nbsp; Embrace a fresh parenting approach, nurturing collaborative and harmonious connections with your children, all while contributing to a more inclusive and equitable world for all. &nbsp; So don't hesitate – start transforming your parenting journey today, and grab your copy of Parenting Beyond Power now to get started! Click the banner to learn more. &nbsp; &nbsp; Taming Your Triggers Do you often find yourself caught in the whirlwind of your child's challenging behavior? &nbsp; Are you seeking ways to foster calm and connection in your parenting journey, even during the most trying moments? &nbsp; Look no further—Taming Your Triggers will help. &nbsp; If you: Often feel triggered by your child’s difficult behavior… Want to find out how to get your child to stop doing the thing that drives you up the wall Know you want to respond calmly to your child but can’t seem to do it in the moment… Want to parent with love and connection even on the most stressful days Feel like gentle parenting techniques won’t ‘work’ with your child Then Taming Your Triggers is for you. &nbsp; This workshop will empower you with the tools, insights, and support to navigate the ups and downs of parenting with confidence. It helps in all relationships - spouses and parents/in-laws too! &nbsp; Join the waitlist to get notified when doors reopen. &nbsp; &nbsp; Jump to highlights 01:20 Introducing today’s guest and topic 03:51 Rachel asks how the content of Parenting Beyond Power differs from that of the podcast 07:19 Rachel appreciates the comprehensiveness of the book and asks if there will be another on the topic of Taming Your Triggers. 07:56 Jen recommends a related book and emphasizes the value of community support for deep inner work in changing reactions to triggers. 08:46 Rachel asks whether power is inherently bad, specifically in the context of parents having power. 14:01 Jen warns against using parental power to control love and belonging through conditional rewards, leading to an unhealthy dynamic with children. 15:12 Rachel asks Jen about personal struggles applying podcast principles, questioning if difficulties persist despite knowing they're right. 19:32 Jen emphasizes recognizing resistance in both children and adults and discusses the trifecta of frustration, anger, and resentment as indicators of unmet needs for parents and children. 21:39 Jen discusses how she reconciles being research-based when acknowledging the biases in the research. 26:42 Rachel asks how Jen measures success. 28:18 They explore whether it's reasonable to ask parents, especially White parents, to challenge societal norms and emphasize the collective responsibility to confront and dismantle systems rooted in White supremacy. 32:28 The conversation mentions the overrepresentation of participants with one or two children, speculating on political leanings. Jen affirms her parenting approach's relevance for families with more children. 36:00 Jen talks about her hopes for readers and what she wants them to take away from the book. 39:33 Rachel acknowledges understanding the book's emphasis on building a better society through individual change. 40:23 Wrapping up the discussion

A couple of years ago I was watching a session of the Alliance for Self-Directed Education's online conference by unschooling advocate Idzie Desmerais. At some point she dropped a quote into her presentation that I jotted down but didn't think much of at the time: &nbsp; What if your ideas about politics were just your ideas about childhood, extrapolated? &nbsp; I returned to my notes some months later, having spent much of that time immersed in writing the first draft of the book, the quote almost took my breath away. There, right in front of me, was a single sentence that encapsulated so much of what I'd been thinking and writing about. &nbsp; On the surface, it may seem as though these topics are completely unrelated but they are actually intimately connected. &nbsp; We use politics set up systems that support the culture we want to live in. &nbsp; We create systems that make it harder to vote because we don't think everyone should be able to vote - especially if you aren't White, male, or at least middle class. &nbsp; We abolish Affirmative Action in college admissions because we think everyone has the same basic chance to succeed, so there's no reason to support some more than others. &nbsp; Government policies establish the conditions of capitalism - like manipulating interest rates, regulating companies' ability to engage in certain business practices, and offering tax cuts for activities we collectively think are good, which ends up transferring wealth from people with less money who rent, to people with more money who buy homes. &nbsp; And we shape them to try to ensure their success in these systems. &nbsp; If we believe that people should basically take care of themselves rather than relying on support from others, since we all have equal skills and freedoms, then we're probably going to raise children who do things for themselves without relying on other people. &nbsp; If we see that boys get punished for 'being soft' and that girls get punished for expressing big ideas (Clementine Ford's Boys Will Be Boys, which discusses online take-downs of women who express ideas, is one of the most depressing books I've ever read), then we're probably going to raise boys who don't express weakness, or girls who express big ideas. (Little ideas are OK...but nothing that could rock the boat too much.) &nbsp; If we think that there are limited resources in the world and our child has to get their place in school, university, employment or someone else will, then we're going to work to get our child ahead in that system. &nbsp; And because all of those systems out in the world rely on one person or group's power over another person or group, we practice that at home as well. &nbsp; In this provocative episode, Dr. Toby Rollo explains in-depth how our ideas about politics are our ideas about childhood, extrapolated. Yes, it's theoretical...but we also discuss what this means for OUR real children in OUR real families. &nbsp; Parenting Beyond Power Do you want to change the way you parent and make a positive impact on your family and the world? Parenting Beyond Power is your key to unlocking this transformative path. Embrace a fresh parenting approach, nurturing collaborative and harmonious connections with your children, all while contributing to a more inclusive and equitable world for all. So don't hesitate – start transforming your parenting journey today, and grab your copy of Parenting Beyond Power now to get started! Click the banner to learn more. &nbsp; &nbsp; Jump to highlights 00:42 Introduction to today’s guest and topic 02:16 The definition of children and childhood 04:58 The historical shift from a protective view of childhood to a modern perspective emphasizing children's progression toward becoming adults and citizens 10:55 The developmental view of childhood is criticized for biases, as it deems non-Western governance as inferior. 16:23 Dr. Toby Rollo challenges the Western perspective on political agency, seeing children as political agents. 20:38 Dismantling racism and patriarchy requires challenging early patterns of oppression in adult-child relationships 30:50 Advocating for a change in society's focus to better empower children and families 37:12 Exploring the link between political ideologies and ideas about childhood 45:12 Dr. Rollo suggests conventional school success doesn't guarantee overall well-being and advocates for fostering children's internal motivation and self-awareness. 54:00 Wrapping up the discussion &nbsp; References Araujo, E., Ferretti, F., Ince, A., Moason, K., Mullenite, J., Pickerill, J., Rollo, T., &amp; White, R.J. (2017). Beyond electoralism: Reflections on anarchy, populism, and the crisis of electoral politics. ACME: An International E-Journal for Critical Geographies 16(4), 607-642. Brito Vieira, M., Jung, T., Gray, S.W.D., &amp; Rollo, T. (2019). The nature of silence and its democratic possibilities. Contemporary Political Theory 18, 424-447. Rollo, T. (2016).

This is the first in a series of 'back to basics' episodes here on the show, where we'll look at the everyday challenges you're facing as a parent. (Have an idea for an episode? Share it on this thread in our free Facebook group, send us a max 2 minute video of you saying your question, or click here to record an audio message for me...) &nbsp; I'd wanted to do an episode on the use of reward &amp; punishment systems in classrooms for a while, and when I mentioned this to my community manager Denise, she immediately started telling me all about the systems in her children's classrooms. So Denise sent me her questions, and we chatted through the research-based answers in this episode. &nbsp; To make it easier for you to start a conversation at your school about rewards and punishment systems, I've created a one page 'cheat sheet' for you to share with others. Just click the image below to download it! &nbsp; &nbsp; Jump to highlights 01:26 Introducing today’s guest and topic 03:16 Denise delves into her decision to opt for public school, specifically the factors that led her to choose the particular school she did over other available options 07:53 Denise shares her experiences related to rewards and punishments prompted her to discuss this episode 14:51 Positive Behavior Intervention and Support (PBIS) is explored, with the discussion touching on concerns about potential humiliation and conflicting principles in behavior management systems 25:50 Behavior issues result from the coercive U.S. education system, where teachers may prioritize quiet classrooms over addressing problems, potentially hindering genuine student learning. 27:14 Ways to foster kids' intrinsic motivation in light of the prevalent use of extrinsic motivation in the classroom are explored 32:22 Self-determination theory and its application in this context is discussed 35:44 Strategies to prevent burnout for children are explored, considering their substantial time in school, with a focus on identifying warning signs of any diminishing effectiveness in current approach. 44:32 Addressing racialized parents' support of the system involves recognizing privilege and having delicate conversations to advocate for change 53:33 Identify and address barriers like childcare and transportation to make parental involvement more accessible and effective in the community. 55:03 Fostering a culture of autonomy, connectedness, and competence in the classroom requires understanding and meeting the diverse needs of students and teachers, building genuine connections, and addressing concerns to create a community of care and love in the learning environment. 01:04:32 Understanding individual needs and values is crucial when considering educational choices. 01:09:58 Wrapping up &nbsp; References Adams, D. (2015). Implementation of school-wide Positive Behavior Supports in the Neoliberal Context in an Urban Elementary School. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, Syracuse University. Bornstein, J. (2017). Can PBIS build justice rather than merely restore order? In The School to Prison Pipeline: The Role of Culture and Discipline in School (p.135-167). Retrieved from: http://dx.doi.org/10.1108/S2051-231720160000004008 Bornstein, J. (2017). Entanglements of discipline, behavioral intervention, race, and disability. Journal of Cases in Educational Leadership 20(2), 131-144. Bornstein, J. (2015). “If they’re on Tier I, there are really no concerns that we can see:” PBIS medicalizes compliant behavior. Journal of Ethnographic &amp; Qualitative Research 9, 247-267. Calais, J., &amp; Green, M. (2022). The racial pandemic: Positive Behavior Intervention Support as an asymptomatic carrier of racism. Perspectives on Early Childhood Psychology and Education 6(1), Article 4. Compise, Karin D. (2019). Student perceptions of the clip chart management system. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, University of the Pacific, Stockton, CA. Kim, R.M., &amp; Venet, A.S. (2023). Unsnarling PBIS and Trauma-Informed Education. Urban Education 1-29. DOI: 10.1177/00420859231175670 Kowalski, M.J., &amp; Froiland, J.M. (2020). Parent perceptions of elementary classroom management systems and their children’s motivational and emotional responses. Social Psychology of Education 23, 433-448. Lewis, T. J., &amp; Sugai, G. (1999). Effective behavior support: A systems approach to proactive School wide management. Focus on Exceptional Children, 31(6), 1-24. Noddings, N. (2005). The challenge to care in schools. New York: Teacher’s College Press. Robbins, C.G., &amp; Kovalchuk, S. (2012). Dangerous disciplines: Understanding pedagogies of punishment in the neoliberal states of America. Journal of Pedagogy 3, 198-218. Shalaby, C. (2017). Troublemakers: Lessons in freedom from young children at school. New York: The New Press. Williamson, B. (2017). Decoding ClassDojo: Psychopolicy, social-emotional learning, and persuasive educational technologies. Learning, Media and Technology 42(4), 440-453.

&nbsp;Do you worry about the state of the Earth? Climate change perhaps above all else, but also resource extraction, air pollution, and the injustice that goes along with the ways the impacts of these things are distributed?&nbsp;You're not the only one.&nbsp;I know not everyone goes this far, but one of the reasons I waited so long to have a baby, almost didn't have a baby, and will only have one child is to reduce my impact on climate change.&nbsp;We all know we're supposed to fly less, drive less, and eat less meat. But how can those actions ever be enough, when (I read somewhere a long time ago) that there aren't enough resources on the planet for everyone to consume the resources that an unhoused person in the United States uses?&nbsp;In her new book Parenting on Earth: A Philosopher's Guide to Doing Right by Your Kids - and Everyone Else's (affiliate link),&nbsp;Dr. Elizabeth Cripps walks us through the moral arguments involved in taking action on these issues - as well as the ones we use to justify not taking action.&nbsp;I really enjoyed this book. There are so many ways it could have gone wrong. Dr. Cripps is a White European philosopher writing about ways we can reduce our environmental impact.&nbsp;The book could have been dense (ever get lost trying to follow a philosophical argument? 🙋‍♀️)&nbsp;It could have been preachy.&nbsp;It could have been completely tone-deaf, and say that we all bear the same responsibility to make changes.&nbsp;It doesn't do any of those things.&nbsp;It's easy to understand, practical, and acknowledges Dr. Cripps' (and many of her readers,' including my own) place in society. This is our responsibility - but also not just our responsibility. We need systemic change at the State, national, and international levels as well.&nbsp;This book helps you see what you can do by yourself, and also when you combine your efforts with others, which is a lot bigger than the sum of its parts. And that makes it an interesting, hopeful read. (I worked in sustainability consulting for a decade and I learned some things!)&nbsp;&nbsp;Elizabeth Cripps' book:&nbsp;Parenting on Earth: A Philosopher's Guide to Doing Right by Your Kids - and Everyone Else's&nbsp;(affiliate link)&nbsp;&nbsp;Jump to Highlights01:20 Introduction to today’s episode and featured guest&nbsp;02:39 Dr. Elizabeth Cripps gives a brief overview of what climate change is and how it is already affecting and will continue to affect us in the future04:40 The moral aspect of climate change&nbsp;06:39 The challenge of differentiating individual and governmental responsibilities regarding climate change12:20 The connection between shame and topics like White supremacy, patriarchy, capitalism, and climate change17:51 How broader societal concerns, like climate change, influence your everyday decision-making26:10 Exploration on whether the Western-developed framework for climate change can be adapted to different cultures with varied moral perspectives28:20 The choice of having children and how climate concerns influenced that decision&nbsp;35:20 The concept of fairness and how children often have a strong sense of morality and fairness37:18 A playful approach to life and problem-solving can inspire creativity for solving complex issues38:54 How parents can engage in climate activism and justice alongside their everyday responsibilities&nbsp;43:28 How parents might justify not taking action or not fully acknowledging climate change as a significant problem45:20 Addressing climate change as a shared responsibility48:12 Nurturing environmentally responsible children&nbsp;51:42 Wrapping up discussion&nbsp;References&nbsp;Cripps, E. (2022). What climate justice means, and why we should care. London: Bloomsbury Continuum.&nbsp;Cripps, E. (2017). Do parents have a special duty to mitigate climate change? Politics, Philosophy &amp; Economics 16(3), 308-325.&nbsp;Cripps, E. (2017). Justice, integrity, and moral community: Do parents owe it to their children to bring them up as good global climate citizens? Proceedings of the Aristotelian Society 117(1), 41-59.&nbsp;Seebach, N. (2018). Is classroom boredom hidden guilt? A comparison between teaching Aboriginal history in Australia and Post-Holocaust history in Germany. NEQ: Emerging Scholars in Australian Indigenous Studies&nbsp;

&nbsp;Hunter Clarke-Fields is back with us again! She's the author of Raising Good Humans, and now the new book Raising Good Humans Every Day (affiliate links).&nbsp;Why does the world need two books with such similar titles? Are they even different?!&nbsp;Yes, they are! Raising Good Humans Every Day is small! And short! And the chapters are short! Each one contains just one practice, described in a few pages.&nbsp;If you've got five minutes you can read a chapter and then put the idea into practice immediately.&nbsp;Use it, see some success, and get inspired for the next one.&nbsp;Short, simple, and sweet. Can't beat that!&nbsp;&nbsp;Hunter Clarke-Fields' books:Raising Good HumansRaising Good Humans Every Day&nbsp; (affiliate links)&nbsp;Jump to Highlights&nbsp;00:43&nbsp; &nbsp;Introducing Hunter Clarke-Fields01:46&nbsp; &nbsp;Hunter’s reasons for writing a second book with a title so much like their first one03:29&nbsp; &nbsp;Why controlling our children and have them control themselves doesn't work effectively06:54&nbsp; &nbsp;The need to shift from rewards and punishments to teaching and guiding children in understanding consequences and needs09:18&nbsp; &nbsp;The benefits of connection-based parenting12:58&nbsp; &nbsp;Reflecting on parenting experiences: gratitude and regrets16:25&nbsp; &nbsp;Exploring Hunter’s upbringing as a highly sensitive child&nbsp;21:47&nbsp; &nbsp;Navigating parenting a highly sensitive child with insights coming from Hunter’s own experiences24:39&nbsp; &nbsp;The importance of being authentic with children and openly sharing challenges as a parent26:29&nbsp; &nbsp;Parenting with heartfelt intention and presence31:01&nbsp; &nbsp;Embracing the importance of being present with children and practicing mindfulness in a fast-paced society38:14&nbsp; &nbsp;Asking for community support to be a better parent42:24&nbsp; &nbsp;Embracing a beginner's mind to counter judgment and remain open to possibilities45:14&nbsp; &nbsp;Wrapping up&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

Do you ever feel triggered by your partner's behavior? &nbsp; (No? Just me? 😬) &nbsp; Many parents who join the Taming Your Triggers workshop sign up for help navigating their children's behavior...and then once they're inside they confess that their partner's behavior is even more triggering than their child's. &nbsp; As you might imagine, many of the participants in the Taming Your Triggers workshop are women. (Classic patriarchy at work: caregiving is women's work, and so is managing the emotional climate of the family, so why does a male partner in a cisgender, heterosexual relationship need to bother?) &nbsp; So I've been especially glad to see that more and more men are taking the workshop - and last time around we also had several couples participating together. &nbsp; Elizabeth and Marshall are physical therapists who travel and work to pay off their student loan debt. They had a three-year-old, and then became unexpectedly pregnant - with twins! &nbsp; Both Elizabeth and Marshall had fairly typical middle class childhoods...they had enough with out being rich, but underneath the veneer that 'everything's fine' lurked disconnection from parents, unexpressed anger, and mental illness - as well as the societal messages of getting out of debt and preparing for retirement. &nbsp; Elizabeth had no idea she had anger issues until she became a parent. Suddenly she felt both anger and shame about her anger, not understanding that the anger was wrapped up in her childhood. &nbsp; Since Elizabeth and Marshall have organized their entire lives around paying off their student loan debt, it was hard to commit to spending money on not just one but two enrollments in Taming Your Triggers. Up to that point, Elizabeth often felt she was the one doing the work and dragging Marshall along...but he saw how important this was to her, and went all-in alongside her. &nbsp; They've noticed profound shifts in their capacity to be with their children - as well as with each other. &nbsp; Elizabeth knows not just in her head but in her body that it's OK to be in uncomfortable situations and not fix everything immediately. &nbsp; She talked with her mom about a shame-filled situation from her childhood that Elizabeth thought she would "take to her grave" - and now the issue doesn't impact her anymore. &nbsp; Marshall is able to let go of problems that used to really bother him, and engages the children in using the concepts from the workshop. &nbsp; They can work through the challenges they're facing, both as a couple and as parents. Their now have the space for conversations about their parenting values, instead of just reacting to the latest emergency. &nbsp; Elizabeth wrote to me that it's taken a long time for her to realize that investing in parenting education is just as important as paying for good food. She's shifted her mindset by realizing that: &nbsp; If you're a man reading this, we'd love to see you in the workshop. You won't be alone, and we may be able to create a men-only discussion space for you. (I know it can be hard to talk about things like anger issues with women around.) &nbsp; If you're a woman in a cis-het partnership, you can absolutely participate alone - and you'll learn a LOT. Most people do it this way. &nbsp; But you'll get even more out of it when you and your partner are on the same page. Marshall says: &nbsp; Hear Elizabeth and Marshall describe the work they've been doing - and how it has helped - in this new episode. &nbsp; Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, &nbsp; the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. &nbsp; Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more! &nbsp; &nbsp; Jump to highlights 01:20 Introducing today’s topic 01:47 Elizabeth and Marshall introduce themselves and their family 04:00 They talk about experiencing burnout from continuously helping others in their profession. 06:06 The couple discussed how their upbringing influenced their parenting style. 11:27 They shared about their experience with going through the Taming Your Triggers program together and how they decided to do it. 16:52 Marshall explains why parenting is hard for them 23:24 The couple talks about how parenting has improved over the past few months. 28:20 Elizabeth talks about how her perspective on her relationship with her mother changed. 41:47 The couple share their experience with AccountaBuddies 48:03 Jen encourages couples to take the program together, believing it creates a shared experience and language for improving their relationship dynamics.

In this short episode, I'm going to teach you a real, legit, bona fide magic trick. &nbsp; And unlike most magic tricks which rely on sleight of hand to convince you of something that has happened when it really hasn't, this one actually works. It helps you to see that things are not as bad as they seem, and that you can cope, even when things feel incredibly difficult and that you're failing as a parent. &nbsp; I asked four listeners to help me explain the concept to you, and how it has helped them, and one even went above and beyond and did a live demo for us! &nbsp; Then I walk you through it step by step, so you can use it when you need it later. &nbsp; Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, &nbsp; the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. &nbsp; Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more! &nbsp; &nbsp; Jump to highlights 00:43 Introducing today’s topic 02:04 Words can influence our perceptions. 04:02 Anne shares three instances where questioning negative thoughts helped in avoiding unnecessary worry and misunderstandings. 09:46 Elizabeth, a Parenting Membership member for two years, highlights how Jen's advice, using the phrase "I am having the thought that...," helped her cope with a challenging parenting situation. 11:54 Melissa used self-compassion and questioning negative thoughts to find self-compassion and regain confidence. 13:11 Melissa highlights the core aspect of the "magic trick" by framing these thoughts as "I'm thinking" rather than absolute truths. 14:46 Jen calls listeners to try a mindful exercise where "I'm thinking that..." is added before self-judgments or judgments about others. 20:20 Adding "I'm thinking that..." before judgments can foster understanding, compassion, and better relationships, as demonstrated by Jen’s dishwasher experience. 25:07 Nicole shares how her meditation practice led her to explore the concept of not believing everything she thinks 27:47 Recognizing our perspective isn't the only truth can help us shift from self-centered thinking when hurt by someone. 28:36 The concept of not believing everything we think promotes a balanced perspective on our life stories. &nbsp; Other episodes referenced 113: No Self, No Problem141: The Body Keeps The Score with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk175: I’ll be me; can you be you?SYPM 014: The power of healing in community &nbsp; Reference Loftus, E., &amp; Palmer, J.C. (1974). Reconstruction of automobile destruction: An example of the interaction between language and memory. Journal of Verbal Learning and Verbal Behavior 13(5), 585-589.

Polyvagal Theory is everywhere these days. &nbsp; Psychologists talk about it; parenting coaches talk about it; if you’re in &nbsp; the mental health field you’re probably referring to polyvagal theory in some way. So one would assume that there’s lots of evidence for it, right? Well, maybe. Maybe not. &nbsp; In this episode I dig into the foundational principles of Polyvagal Theory and find that there's a lot less evidence supporting it than you might think, given how many places it's used. &nbsp; So what's going on? Is it legit? Should we be using a different theory to understand our experience instead? &nbsp; But all may not be lost! Maybe there are aspects of the theory that we can still use...the episode suggests a path forward on this. &nbsp; Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, &nbsp; the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. &nbsp; Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more! &nbsp; Jump to highlights 01:26 Introduction to this episode 04:05 Three defining principles of the Polyvagal Theory 09:01 The challenges in reconciling PVT’s popularity with the lack of scientific evidence supporting its core premises 21:09 Dr. Stephen Porges' 1995 paper on Polyvagal Theory (PVT) is examined, including references to Charles Darwin's support, removal of a premise, and disagreements with Dr. Paul Grossman 24:35 Dr. Stephen Porges' 2007 paper on Polyvagal Theory introduces four principles about heart regulation and the vagus nerve's role in social engagement behaviors 32:12 Dr. Doody challenges the assumptions behind Polyvagal Theory 36:34 Experts challenge Polyvagal Theory (PVT) by refuting its foundational premises, raising the need for alternative models and further evidence examination 42:05 Bloggers and experts offer mixed views on Polyvagal Theory (PVT): some argue it can adapt without changing its core, while others label it a myth 45:31 Jen evaluates the usefulness of Polyvagal Theory (PVT) considering evidence both for and against it 48:01 The existence of alternative theories to Polyvagal Theory (PVT) is a key consideration in evaluating its validity 48:35 Polyvagal Theory (PVT) is still debated, with limited evidence both for and against it, and alternative theories lacking strong support. 55:24 The cultural context and alignment between a therapist's explanation and a client's understanding are essential for therapeutic success 01:06:23 Indigenous perspectives emphasize the importance of understanding dynamic systems in place and time, which aligns with Dr. Porges' attempt to examine a broader system in polyvagal theory 01:11:55 The Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP), based on polyvagal theory (PVT), lacks substantial scientific evidence supporting its effectiveness 01:15:08 Wrapping up &nbsp; Other episodes referenced: 018: The Spiritual Child: Possibly exaggerated, conclusions uncertain104: How to help a child to overcome anxiety113: No Self, No Problem131: Implicit Bias (Part 1)132: How implicit bias affect my child (Part 2)141: The Body Keeps The Score with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk175: I’ll be me; can you be you? &nbsp; References Agger, I. (2015). Calming the mind: Healing after mass atrocity in Cambodia. Transcultural Psychiatry 52(4), 543-560. American Museum of Natural History (n.d.). What is a theory? Author. Retrieved from: https://www.amnh.org/exhibitions/darwin/evolution-today/what-is-a-theory Barret, L.D. (2017). How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. Barrett, L.D. (2023, March 25). Peripheral physiological changes during emotion. Chapter 1 endnote 26 from How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Author. Retrieved from: https://how-emotions-are-made.com/notes/Peripheral_physiological_changes_during_emotion#cite_note-8 Benish, S. G., Quintana, S., &amp; Wampold, B. E. (2011). Culturally adapted psychotherapy and the legitimacy of myth: a direct-comparison meta-analysis. Journal of counseling psychology, 58(3), 279. Bird, A. (2021). Understanding the replication crisis as a base rate fallacy. The British Journal for the Philosophy of Science. Retrieved from: https://d1wqtxts1xzle7.cloudfront.net/56560473/Replication-base-rate-fallacy_FINAL-libre.pdf?1526290158=&amp;response-content-disposition=inline%3B+filename%3DUnderstanding_the_Replication_Crisis_as.pdf&amp;Expires=1689372953&amp;Signature=HnUWKVi40YZrjWv4RyYGjB8GSt2wRxNSyYdmUe3wNG~NwYkkbMv0rG0Y~PWotaD7xlq6b9DcfQXnwx1ddLVT7nkmX4teXXs9B7iI16d7JnEKVUAzcVXBOuVajgdMQXR~3y1fq1xNfMUXBE-zsqHNV3bSQdReBEMvuIr-l9pNFs~PiSnAaeUe91b-eYy5QCEzvKrTsGN~R-Y~qfEXb3NecIO6k

Parenting Beyond Power is officially available today! Come join a mini-celebration with me in this podcast episode, and TODAY on Zoom at 11am Pacific/2pm Eastern/8pm Central Europe, and in-person this weekend if you're in the Bay Area!&nbsp;Do you celebrate your achievements? I don't know about you, but I find it pretty difficult.&nbsp;I didn't celebrate getting into Berkeley or Yale, or graduating from either of those places either (in fact, I think I was in the car driving away from each of those places when the graduation ceremonies happened).&nbsp;I didn't celebrate getting U.S. citizenship, or have a baby shower, and Alvin and Carys buy or make me a birthday cake every year because they want to, but I don't really celebrate that either.&nbsp;I didn't celebrate signing a book deal two years ago, and when we rolled over 3 million downloads recently I asked someone on my team to make a quick social post...and that was it.&nbsp;So celebrating the book's launch feels...weird to me. But apparently people who write books do it, so I'm giving it a try - Jen style.&nbsp;I invited a listener, María José (MJ) Durán, to ask me whatever questions she had about the book and the writing process for a mini-celebration.&nbsp;(I did slip in a couple of questions for her as well, and I have to say that her response to me asking what she got out of the book was really meaningful for me - she now understands her own Mom in a way she hadn't been able to until now, which has brought María José (MJ) Durán some measure of relief.)&nbsp;Come join one of our mini-celebrations! Listen to the podcast episode today!&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Jump to Highlights00:43&nbsp; &nbsp;Introduction to today’s episode04:13&nbsp; &nbsp;What sets Parenting Beyond Power apart for long-time podcast listeners and Parenting Membership members05:01&nbsp; &nbsp;What Jen wants to accomplish in writing Parenting Beyond Power08:56&nbsp;&nbsp;How the needs cupcake came about11:38&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;How Jen came up with the book’s title14:26&nbsp; María José (MJ) Durán&nbsp;shares a positive change in setting boundaries with her daughter and questions why the same advice, given a year apart, yielded such different results21:58&nbsp; &nbsp;How the book addresses common parenting challenges35:18&nbsp; &nbsp;Jen’s perspective on neurodiversity in the context of the book's approach41:01&nbsp; &nbsp;The importance of addressing privilege and White supremacy in parenting46:10&nbsp; &nbsp;The feasibility of meeting everyone's needs in society52:30&nbsp; &nbsp;Wrapping up&nbsp;&nbsp;

One of the questions I'm asked most often about Parenting Beyond Power (preorder bonuses are available for just a few more days!) is:So when a group of listeners volunteered to get together to discuss what they got out of the book, that was the first thing I wanted to ask them.&nbsp;The core premise of the book is that the social forces of White supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism have really hurt us - they're the biggest reason why we feel so much pain and shame. And we will pass on those hurts to our own children unless we do something different - and most of the book is about what we actually do differently to make parenting easier today, and work toward creating a world where everyone belongs.&nbsp;Eliza began:Kat added:Elizabeth concluded:We talked about the needs cupcake, and how we can use that to understand the needs that both we and our children are trying to meet on a regular basis. Eliza found that she's able to be more regulated by managing the level of sound around her - which she hadn't realized was a 'cherry' need for her until now!&nbsp;Eliza coached Elizabeth through a struggle she's having with her daughter not wanting to go to bed, and Kat talked through a beautiful story of how she's supporting her children, who have been fighting with each other a LOT. Now they fight a lot less, because their needs are met more often. We're lucky that we heard Kat share that story before her phone battery died!Parenting Beyond Power&nbsp;The wait is over! I'm thrilled to announce that Parenting Beyond Power is now available for you to explore.Discover practical insights and fresh perspectives that can make a positive difference in your parenting journey.Click the banner to get Parenting Beyond Power today:&nbsp;&nbsp;Jump to Highlights00:43 Introduction to the podcast02:04 Guests introduce themselves05:00 Longtime participants discuss how the book differs from the podcast and other resources, emphasizing its unique value.08:05 Participants share their the tools they learned from the book and any resulting parenting changes.08:48 Elizabeth applies book tools like problem-solving conversations and the needs cupcake diagram, but grapples with addressing her daughter's need for community during bedtime routines.11:46 Elisa and Elizabeth discuss adapting bedtime routines to balance tasks and the daughter's need for connection.16:13 Jen offers suggestions for Elizabeth on meeting her child’s needs while setting her boundaries.19:26 Kat shares her struggle with boundary-setting due to being a people-pleaser, aiming to create a boundary-respecting environment for her children.&nbsp;21:17 Elisa finds the "needs cupcake" concept valuable in recognizing and addressing recurring needs for herself and her children.27:14 Kat applies the "needs cupcake" concept to understand her children's primary needs, enabling her to address conflicts more effectively, encourage problem-solving discussions, and redirect behaviors towards meeting those needs.38:58 They highlight the significance of acknowledging and addressing unique family needs, challenging gender norms in parenting, and prioritizing the fulfillment of needs for both children and parents to cultivate positive relationships.43:08 Participants discuss their ongoing journey of personal growth and parenting transformation, highlighting the significance of self-compassion and aligning actions with values.48:10 Elisa asks about potential content that wasn't included in the book, and Jen explains the challenge of balancing content while emphasizing the importance of practical tools.&nbsp;50:48 Jen underscores the significance of consistent efforts based on personal values rather than perfection, emphasizing the uniqueness of every parent-child interaction.53:15 Jen wraps up as she reflects on the question of whether parenting is easy.&nbsp;&nbsp;

Do you try to give your children messages about gender that are aligned with your values? Do you tell your daughter that she can do anything she wants to do, and look for shows that have equal representation of male- and female-presenting characters? &nbsp; If so, you're off to a good start. &nbsp; And...there's so much more to do. &nbsp; One of the core ideas in my book, Parenting Beyond Power, is that we parents pass cultural messages on to our children. We do that through the books we read, the actions we praise, and the conversations we have (or don't have). &nbsp; I don't censor the books I'm reading to Carys - we just talk about them. Right now we're reading Wild Born, Book 1 of the Spirit Animals collection. (I did check to make sure that the concept of 'spirit animals' isn't disrespectful to Indigenous people...it turns out it's a concept that White people made up, and it's only disrespectful if we try to link it to Indigenous practices.) &nbsp; Here's an excerpt from the beginning of Chapter 3: &nbsp; "Meilin sat on a cushion before her looking glass, meticulously applying facial paint. She didn't mind letting her handmaidens prepare her for festivals or banquets. But today was important. Today she wanted to look just right. And when you wanted something done right, you did it yourself. &nbsp; After finishing the accents around her eyes, Meilin inspected her handiwork. It was a work of art atop a work of art. People always remarked that she was stunning. She had never needed paint on her face to earn compliments. But now she possessed an allure beyond her natural beauty." &nbsp; It goes on to describe the strategic imperfection in her hair that made it "more appealing," and then she practices the looks she will display during her ceremony. &nbsp; There's a lot going on here... It starts with the White supremacy-based idea that if you want something done right you can never rely on others but only do it yourself. (This book seems to be primarily about relationships, so I assume it's marketed to girls. And we wonder where women and mothers get the idea that they have to do it all themselves if we want it done right?) The book opened with a male character who obviously cared a lot about his clothes who waited impatiently while a servant connected forty eight clasps. &nbsp; No male character's face is described in this level of detail. No male character puts paint on their face. No male character is introduced to the reader as an object to be looked upon with desire. &nbsp; This is how cultural ideas are passed on. &nbsp; This is how girls learn that being pretty has currency. &nbsp; That it's a girl's job to create and use their appearance to manipulate others. &nbsp; And if any boys happen to be reading, they learn that their job is to judge the performance. &nbsp; These messages are harmful for all children, because they say that certain behaviors aren't acceptable in certain children - for no other reason than it doesn't match their genitals (of all things!). &nbsp; What messages are your children learning about gender from the books you're reading to them, or that they're reading by themselves? &nbsp; In this episode Virginia Mendez, author of Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias (affiliate link), helps us to see examples like this in books, films, toys, and even in the language we use around and toward our children. &nbsp; Join me for this fun conversation with Virginia as we learn how to raise children who won't be constrained by their gender, and who can express their full selves. &nbsp; Virginia Mendez's Book: Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias (affiliate link) &nbsp; Parenting Beyond Power The wait is over! I'm thrilled to announce that Parenting Beyond Power is now available for you to explore. Discover practical insights and fresh perspectives that can make a positive difference in your parenting journey. Click the banner to get Parenting Beyond Power today: &nbsp; Jump to highlights 00:39 Introduction of this episode’s topic and guest 01:28 Sex involves biological traits while gender is a diverse social identity that defies binary categorization. 04:01 Children's gender differences are largely influenced by societal norms and upbringing. 09:11 Pink's gender association shifted historically due to color symbolism, marketing, and cultural influences. 10:42 Despite some progress, children's media retains subtle gender biases and stereotypes. 24:18 Embracing non-binary identities, using inclusive pronouns, and challenging traditional gender categories can promote a more respectful and inclusive society. 30:01 Virginia Mendez's book highlights the societal constraints on children's potential due to gender stereotypes. 43:15 Those new to the concept of non-binary identities should focus on cultivating awareness and curiosity about non-binary identities, while those already familiar can continue having open conversations with their children and encouraging expl

In this episode we hear from listener Lindsay who wonders whether it's safe to delay math learning, since (they've heard) there's a 'critical window' for learning language. &nbsp; Would delaying math learning mean that our child can't catch up later? Will they develop a negative view of their own learning? What if they can't get into college? We address all of these questions and more. &nbsp; Learning Membership &nbsp; Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world. &nbsp; Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them. &nbsp; Join the waitlist now. All the usual stuff applies - sliding scale pricing, money-back guarantee. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more! &nbsp; &nbsp; Jump to highlights 01:10 Listener Lindsay asks the question, “How safe is it to neglect math education until your child shows some kind of interest in wanting to do it?” 01:48 Jen gives her academic history in math and admits to applying problem-solving strategies without full comprehension. 07:44 The critical period for learning seen in animal research also applies to children with severe language deprivation during early months. 08:51 The critical period for language development and second language acquisition is questioned in relation to math learning. 12:58 Sudbury School's anecdotal evidence suggests children can learn math quickly when motivated, sparking questions about early teaching, fostering a love of learning, and the impact on future opportunities. 15:54 Emphasizing intrinsic motivation over forced comparisons in math fosters self-awareness, more vital for a fulfilling life than specific skills. 19:31 Cognitively Guided Instruction values children's math knowledge, encourages pattern exploration, and validates individual methods, fostering a deeper understanding of math concepts. 22:09 Fostering children's intuitive understanding of math through collaborative learning and self-developed algorithms is a powerful approach. 24:01 Don't worry about formal math instruction; children will naturally develop their own strategies and algorithms when provided with a supportive learning environment. &nbsp; References Singleton, D., &amp; Lesniewska, J. (2021). The critical period hypothesis for L2 acquisition: An unfalsifiable embarrassment? Languages 6(3), 149.

When you listen to this episode you may get a bit of a sense of deja vu - way back in 2020, listener Kelly reached out to me and asked if I would be willing to do an episode on parental burnout, which she was struggling to navigate at the time. We ended up interviewing Dr. Moira Mikolajczak, one of the world's experts on parental burnout. &nbsp; After the conversation Dr. Mikolajczak expressed to me how much her heart went out to Kelly, who was navigating what seemed like an individual-level problem when it was actually very much our society's failure to support her that created the problem. Having explored the connection between race and parenting in a series of episodes the previous year, ideas were definitely percolating for me about how societal issues show up in our families which is, of course, a massive theme in my book. &nbsp; So it was so amazing to see Kelly recently in a much better place, reflecting on the connections between her school-based learning and her burnout, and how she's taking steps to help her child learn lessons she thinks are truly important, like how to: Think critically about messages she receives from other people;See multiple people's needs in an interaction, and find ways to meet both of their needs;Learn about the world immediately around her (which often involves Kelly backing off andnot doing anything, rather than stepping in to teach a lesson). &nbsp; Kelly's children are certainly learning profound lessons in this process - but so is Kelly. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone so delighted to say that she's thrown out a puzzle book that still had three un-done puzzles in that she didn't want to do, having (finally) learned that it's OK not to finish every single thing you start. Because not being able to do that can lead to burnout. &nbsp; Learning Membership Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world. &nbsp; Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more! &nbsp; Jump to highlights 01:26 Introduction to today’s topic 02:02 Kelly talks about her family. 02:34 In the Netherlands, Kelly (who later discovered she had ADHD) attended a non-religious public school, enjoyed learning despite feeling out of place, and found ways to stay engaged. 06:32 Kelly’s burnout was influenced by her tendency to prioritize meeting teachers' expectations rather than pursuing genuine interest, the impact of ADHD on her learning experience, and the mismatch between her learning style and the educational system. 12:12 Before working with Jen, Kelly focused on academic subjects for her child's learning, while also recognizing learning in everyday experiences, but found it challenging to be at home with the children all day due to energy limitations. 14:13 Kelly considered homeschooling but found that the strict regulations in the Netherlands, along with the lack of community support and limited options for activities during the day, made it extremely difficult. 15:25 Kelly engages in discussions with her daughter about the school system, emphasizes meeting individual needs, and recognizes her advanced learning beyond the classroom. 23:33 Kelly, a member of the Learning Membership, engages in informal and organic learning explorations with her children. 30:37 Kelly's perspective has shifted, realizing that she doesn't have to finish everything and can find alternative approaches that work for her and her family. 35:19 Kelly feels more relaxed and confident in her role as a parent, allowing her child to learn from mistakes and pursue their own interests, while also engaging in important discussions about diversity and the environment to prepare her child for adulthood. 39:11 Kelly advises parents to have faith in their child's learning, embrace peace and calm, enjoy their child's curiosity, and play along with their exploration for their happiness and growth as individuals and good citizens.

Those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are in the middle of summer now, with the whirlwind of cobbled together childcare and kids at home saying: "I'm booored!". &nbsp; What's happening for them when they're saying this? &nbsp; And, more importantly, what should we DO about it? &nbsp; We don't want to have to entertain them, but what other option is there besides threatening chores? &nbsp; This episode will help you to answer their question during the summer months in a way that supports their wellbeing, and also address boredom that crops up at other points in the school year. Like when they're in school. &nbsp; Because while I approached this episode from the perspective of navigating summer holidays, it turns out that most researchers can't include the word "child" and "bored" in a study without also including the word "school." &nbsp; Learning Membership Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world. &nbsp; Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them. &nbsp; All the usual stuff applies - sliding scale pricing, money-back guarantee. Click the banner to learn more! &nbsp; Jump to highlights 00:59 Introduction to today’s topic 02:32 Dr. Peter Toohey's book explores various definitions of boredom, including one tied to predictable circumstances and another linked to existential despair. 04:16 The concept of boredom has evolved over time. 07:57 Boredom can be linked to dopamine levels in the brain. 10:45 Boredom is connected to negative outcomes and low dopamine activity, leading to depression, anxiety, addiction, and poor performance 13:51 Boredom in children, particularly in school, has negative consequences on academic outcomes and well-being 23:32 Exercising autonomy and pursuing assignments aligned with personal interest and relevance can foster intrinsic motivation and enhance student performance and well-being 29:53 The traditional school system prioritizes conformity over individual interests, leading to disengagement and boredom 35:47 The Learning Membership offers support and resources for parents to cultivate their child's intrinsic love of learning, whether they are in school or not 38:18 Students can combat boredom in school by gamifying tasks, finding personal meaning in them, and recognizing the value of boredom as a guide to more engaging activities 42:54 Boredom serves a purpose in learning by promoting exploration, enhancing performance on creative tasks, and signaling the need for novelty and change 45:26 The Warlpiri people in Australia embody a cultural mindset of infinite patience and being fully present in the moment, where boredom seems non-existent as they engage with their surroundings and find meaning in the immediate place and time 48:17 As explored through the lens of Buddhism, embracing boredom allows us to gain insights into our minds and self-identity, fostering a sense of peace 52:40 To wrap up, the response to a child's boredom depends on their environment–whether they are in school or at home &nbsp; References Begnaud, D., Coenraad, M., Jain, N., Patel, D., &amp; Bonsignore, E. (2020). “It’s just too much”: Exploring children’s views of boredom and strategies to manage feelings of boredom. In: Proceedings of the Interaction Design and Children Conference (p.624-636). Brankovic, S. (2015). Boredom, dopamine, and the thrill of psychosis: Psychiatry in a new key. Psychiatria Danubina 27(2), 126-137. Danckert, J. (2022). Boredom in the COVID-19 Pandemic. Behavioral Science 12(1), 428. Healy, S.D. (1984). Boredom, self, and culture. Rutherford: Farleigh Dickinson University Press. hooks, b. (1994). Teaching to transgress: Education as the practice of freedom. New York: Routledge. Joseph, N.M. (2022). Making Black girls count in math education: A Black feminist vision for transforming teaching. Boston: Harvard Education Press. LaCapra, D. (2016). Trauma, history, memory, identity: What remains? History and Theory 55, 375-400. Lehr, E., &amp; Todman, M. (2008). Boredom and boredom proneness in children: Implications for academic and social adjustment. In: M. Todman (Ed). Self-Regulation and Social Competence: Psychological Studies in Identity, Achievement and Work-Family Dynamics (p.75-89). Athens: Athens Institute for Education and Research. Lin, Y., &amp; Westgate, E.C. (2021). The origins of boredom. Unpublished manuscript. Retrieved from: https://psyarxiv.com/bz6n8/download?format=pdf Lomas, T. (2017). A meditation on boredom: Reappraising its value through introspective phenomenology. Qualitative Research in Psychology 14(1), 1-22. Lomas, T. (2017). A reappraisal of

Listener Kelsey posted in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook community a while ago asking how she should respond when her child asks: "Why does Daddy have to go to work?" She got some great answers from community members...and yet there was also a lot more to explore. I asked her to record her question so I could answer it in an episode, so here it is!&nbsp;Of course, the issue of Daddy going to work has intersections with patriarchy as well...and many Your Parenting Mojo listeners of both/all genders work and probably hear this question from their children, so I adjusted the title of the episode a little.&nbsp;The episode looks at capitalism and how it impacts our families and other peoples' families...and how we can start to have conversations about that with our children.&nbsp;If you'd like to ask a question for me to answer in a future Q&amp;A episode, please email a link to a video of you asking the question to [email protected], or go to yourparentingmojo.com/question and look for the Record A Question button.Jump to Highlights00:58 Listener Kelsey asks how to honestly but age-appropriately answer the question, "Why does daddy have to go to work?"02:54 Carys shares her ideas on capitalism and work14:10 Kelsey's child isn't necessarily questioning why Daddy has to work, but rather why Daddy&nbsp;isn't available to play17:51 The cultural devaluation of certain types of work, the influence of capitalism, housing discrimination, and societal expectations contribute to financial burdens23:32 Every time we're making a choice to buy something, that is a choice to spend more time working24:00 The mindset plays a significant role in finding joy and value in any job25:16 Job satisfaction, financial security, and the role of money in addressing challenges and enhancing safety are crucial in deciding on work27:26 Money doesn’t guarantee safety30:11 Undervalued care work, predominantly performed by women, is crucial for the capitalist system.31:47 Building communities that meet each other's needs can provide more choices and reduce reliance on financial resources.32:59 We can talk to our children about capitalism, explaining that work allows us to meet our needs and wants, while addressing the inequalities and challenges that some people face.&nbsp;35:14 Teaching children about capitalism and its objections fosters critical thinking about fairness, inequality, and alternative economic perspectives.37:40 Teaching financial literacy to children should involve a critical examination of capitalist-focused programs42:24 Wrapping up

We talk a lot about meeting needs on the show. And mostly we focus on meeting your child's needs, because when those are met then your needs for peace and ease and collaboration with your child get met as well.&nbsp;But of course those are not your only needs. You also have needs independent of your relationship with your children, and you deserve to have these met. Mara Glatzel's new book focuses squarely on your needs. Why is it so hard to understand what our needs are? How can we figure out what our needs are...before they explode out of us in a meltdown? And how can we get these met on a regular basis?&nbsp;This episode will show you how to do that.&nbsp;Jump to highlights:&nbsp;01:20 Introduction of the guest - Mara Glatzel02:20 Mara shares the story at the beginning of her book where she tells her personal reflection when she felt learned the importance of asserting one's needs and the impact it has had on her&nbsp; life and relationship06:13 Mara differentiates needs from wants09:47 The societal pressure to maintain a perfect and productive facade may just lead to burnout and a denial of our own humanity13:31 It is important to recognize and identify&nbsp; physical sensations, symptoms, and circumstances associated with burnout to prevent and reverse it20:20 Setting boundaries with children allows parents to prioritize their own needs so they meet their children’s needs as well24:49 Consistently pushing ourselves beyond our limits and striving for perfection sets us up for burnout29:31 Prioritizing our own needs and well-being - even if it means doing things differently from others - is essential for sustainable productivity and a fulfilling life34:37 It can be challenging to find the right balance between meeting our children's needs and taking care of our own, but by modeling self-care, setting boundaries, and teaching them how to communicate their needs effectively, we can find ways to support each other41:36 Balancing our commitment to creating positive change with prioritizing our own well-being is crucial, as our ability to make an impact is compromised if we neglect self-care47:34 If we're unable to deal with our own needs, we make our needs other people's problems - and this impacts our relationships50:55 Mara shares about finding joy in trying new activities and embracing the freedom of being a beginner while following personal interests54:46 Wrapping up&nbsp;&nbsp;Mara's book:Needy: How to advocate for your needs and claim your sovereignty (affiliate link)&nbsp;

A lot of parents (and teachers) are concerned right now about children's resilience. Will they 'bounce back' from the difficulties of the pandemic? But is 'bouncing back' really the way we should be thinking about this? We have all been changed by the pandemic; shouldn't we acknowledge this and see how we can be the best versions of ourselves, incorporating what we've been through over the last few years, rather than trying to 'bounce back' into what we were before (which frankly wasn't all that amazing in a lot of cases, as we rushed from one thing to another with never any time for ourselves). In this episode we also consider Black and Indigenous researchers' perspectives on resilience, and see how their ideas can perhaps shift how we perceive resilience - and thus how we support our children. &nbsp; Other episodes referenced 069: Reducing the impact of intergenerational trauma 140: Mythbusting about fat and BMI with Dr. Lindo Bacon 137: Psychological flexibility through ACT with Diana Hill 148: Is spanking a child really so bad? 098: Do school shooter trainings help (or hurt) children? 114: How to stop 'othering' and instead build 'belonging' 074: Attachment: What it is, what it's not, how to do it, and how to stop stressing about it 106: Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting &nbsp; Jump to highlights: 01:10 Introduction 01:34 Defining resilience from various perspectives 03:16 Resilience requires exposure to some kind of threat or severe adversity 06:37 What a lack of resilience looks like and how to measure its absence 08:16 Measuring resilience in research 09:08 The challenge of defining ‘protective’ factor 10:00 The history of research on resilience 12:03 The importance allowing children to cope with mild stressors 14:40 The Indigenous resilience 17:17 The control and dominance of indigenous peoples in Canada achieved through education and immersion in settler culture 19:25 The importance of resilience culture in Indigenous communities 21:02 A model of resilience by Dr. Edith Grotberg 27:01 Resilience determined by the dominant culture's expectations of normal, healthy, and good outcomes 30:08 The real purpose of resilience 32:18 What happens when a person isn't deemed to be resilient and why that is 33:46 Resilience as a code for social compliance 38:59 What true resilience should be about (based on the story about the Claremont Counseling Center's community building) 40:53 Wrapping up &nbsp; References Aranda, K., Zeeman, L., Scholes, J., &amp; Morales, A. S-M. (2012). The resilient subject: Exploring subjectivity, identity and the body in narratives of resilience. Health 16(5), 548-563. Block, P. (2008). Community: The structure of belonging. San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler. Grotberg, E. (1995). A guide to promoting resilience in children: Strengthening the human spirit. Early Childhood Development: Practice and Reflections Number 8. Bernard van Leer Foundation. Gutman, L.M. (2018). Risk and resilience. Reference Module in Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-12-809324-5.21835-X Henderson, J., &amp; Denny, K. (2015). The resilient child, human development and the “postdemocracy.” BioSocieties 10(3), 352-378. Hess, J. (2019). Moving beyond resilience education: Musical counterstorytelling. Music Education Research 1`(5), 488-502. Kirmayer, L.J., Dandeneau, D., Marshall, E., Phillips, M.K., &amp; Williamson, K.J. (2011). Rethinking resilience from an indigenous perspective. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry 56(2), 84-91. Liu, J.J.W., Reed, M., &amp; Girard, T.A. (2017). Advancing resilience: An integrative, multi-system mode of resilience. Personality and Individual Differences 111, 111-118. Lopez, M., Ruiz, M.O., Rovnaghi, C.R., Tam, G.K-Y., Hiscox, J., Gotlib, I.H., Barr, D.A., Carrion, V.G., &amp; Anand, K.J.S. (2021). The social ecology of childhood and early life adversity. Pediatric Research 89(2), 353-367. Luthar, S.S., Cicchetti, D., &amp; Becker, B. (2000). The construct of resilience: A critical evaluation and guidelines for future work. Child Development 71(3), 543-562. Masten, A.S. (2001). Ordinary Magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist 56(3), 227-238. Masten, A.S.. (2021). Resilience in developmental systems: Principles, pathways, and protective processes in research and practice. In Ungar, M. (Ed.), Multisystemic resilience: Adaptation and transformation in contexts of change (p. 113-134). Oxford: Oxford University Press. Masten, A.S., and Barnes, A.J. (2018). Resilience in children: Developmental perspectives. Children 5, 98. McCalman, J., &amp; Bainbridge, R. (2021). Indigenous education, well-being, and resilience – a systemic approach. In Ungar, M. (Ed.), Multisystemic resilience: Adaptation and transformation in contexts of change (p. 199-219). Oxford: Oxford University Press. McGuire, P.D. (2010). Exploring resilience and indigenous ways of knowing. Pimatisiwin: A Journal of Aboriginal and Indigenous Community Heal

Do you sometimes wish your co-parent would join you on the respectful parenting journey you’re on? &nbsp; Would things be easier if you were on the same page? &nbsp; Does it seem like you try to convince them using all the research you’ve done respectful parenting…only to have them throw up the “I don’t think we have to make a big deal out of this” card? &nbsp; Sarah and Declan had this dynamic in their relationship too. &nbsp; Knowing each other well isn’t always enough They met when they were 10 and have been together for 15 years, so they know each other pretty well. They had even talked about their values before they got married, and found alignment on many of them. &nbsp; But Declan is a psychologist working with children and families, so he got the Big Veto. (It turns out that psychology training focuses on evidence-based strategies to change behavior…which isn’t that hard to do with rewards and punishments. I think a lot of psychologists show up in my programs because they realize that “evidence-based” doesn’t necessarily mean “good for us” or “aligned with my values”). &nbsp; Sarah was struggling with the transition from two to three children, along with Declan’s full-time work, her own part-time work, and a major home renovation - they haven’t had a functional kitchen in two years.Sarah knew she needed more support…but Declan wasn’t sure. Until he realized that when you’re on a team, you don’t tell an injured player to suck it up. You can’t tell the parent who is struggling to figure it out by themselves. We all have a role to play in a family that meets everyone’s needs. &nbsp; A way to repair ruptures that meets both of their needs This was most apparent when Sarah would say something critical, causing a temporary rupture…and then would desperately try to repair, wanting to talk it out then and there so she could reestablish connection with him, in a reenactment of her anxious attachment relationship with her mother. &nbsp; Declan didn’t find that connecting at all…he saw that she was trying to make herself feel better, not to reconnect with him, and he would retreat - the exact opposite of what she was looking for from him. &nbsp; On a group coaching call a few months ago we worked through an example of this dynamic - and found a way to help them reestablish connection that worked for both of them that has made a profound difference in their ability to navigate conflict. They discuss how it has worked for them in this new episode. &nbsp; Parenting Membership This isn't a course that you take once and forget, and things go back to the way they always were.Whenever you get off-track, or when a new challenge pops up, we're here to support and guide you for as long as you're a member. &nbsp; The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Jump to highlights: 01:20 Introduction of this episode’s guests 01:44 Basic information about Sarah and Declan’s family 02:27 Sarah’s childhood experiences and the intergenerational trauma that affected her family 07:25 Declan’s family dynamic which was not emotionally open or supportive 09:20 Declan talks about his experiences with his authoritarian father 10:30 What it was like being together for a long time and then becoming parents 11:21 What Sarah and Declan consider as the most important values they had as a family, as well as the effective parenting strategy that worked during their early years of parenthood 12:44 The challenges of transitioning to having older babies 15:19 Some challenging interactions with the kids 17:03 Declan is the stabilizing force in the family 18:41 How Declan responds to Sarah’s emotional stress 21:20 How they approach certain situations and have learned from each other's feedback 22:06 finding a balance between having a structured decision-making process and ensuring that each one is heard 23:14 How patriarchy shows up in their decision-making 23:53 How their shared values allowed them to work together despite their differences 26:44 How Sarah managed to convince Declan to join the Parenting Membership 28:52 Declan appreciates the flexibility of Parenting Membership that allows members to choose their level of engagement with the content 31:12 How being part of the Parenting Membership differs from just listening to podcasts 32:47 How the community aspect of the Parenting Membership helps 38:58 How relationship patterns can impact difficult conversations between partners 40:38 How the Parenting Membership has made a huge difference in their parenting dynamics 50:31 How Sarah has changed to become less triggered 52:57 Wrapping up

Recently, a number of parents in the Parenting Membership have posted in our community about challenges they've faced that they've navigated with grace that would have seemed insurmountable a couple of years ago. &nbsp; Many of these are parents of children who are already through the toddler stage, and the parents are starting to see the tools they've been using come alive in their interactions with their children. &nbsp; I thought: There's a podcast episode in that! &nbsp; I asked parents to submit short videos to me responding to the question: What do you wish you had known about parenting when your children were young? &nbsp; The resulting videos are collected, along with my commentary, in this week's episode. &nbsp; The insights that these parents offer are profound. I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say that you're not going to hear advice about a must-have crib or wipe warmer or toy. &nbsp; This is advice about: How we see ourselvesWhat is our role as parents to guide our children without shaping themHow we can be whole, fulfilled people ourselves when there's so much pressure on us to be a 'good parent' &nbsp; If you want to hear from parents who share your values and who have been in it for a while to know what's worth worrying about and what isn't, this episode is for you. &nbsp; Parenting Membership If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out. &nbsp; The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! &nbsp; &nbsp; Other episodes referenced in this episode: 079: What is RIE? 084: The Science of RIE 085: White privilege in schools SYPM 010: From anxious overwhelm to optimistic calm &nbsp; Jump to highlights 01:40 Introduction of this episode’s topic 02:25 Jen admits that she didn't give much consideration to parenting before her daughter, Carys, was born 03:17 Jen shares how her journey into respectful parenting started through RIE 04:42 Parent Elizabeth reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 06:33 The impact of unhealed trauma is reflected in the way we parent our children 07:21 How the arrival of a child can shift the balance in a relationship leading to conflict, even if both partners entered into the partnership as equals 09:05 The dynamics of patriarchal relationships 10:09 Parent Jenny reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting during the time she wasn't prioritizing her own need for sleep 12:29 Discussion on how patriarchal power structures can play out within the context of parenting and caregiving 13:48 Parent Jenny's decision to prioritize rest shows that her need for rest is legitimate and important 14:19 Our child expresses their unmet need by hitting 15:33 Parent Anne reflects on her visions about parenting and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 18:45 What is “Opportunity hoarding” among White parents 20:48 Parent Iris reflects on her parenting experience 22:33 The pressure that parents put on themselves that creates enormous pressure 23:50 Parent Iris realizes that buying things to solve parenting problems is not always the answer 25:14 The privilege that some parents have in terms of how they are perceived by society and the consequences they may face for certain choices 26:11 Parent Anne shares what she wished she had known about her interactions with her mom, her husband, and her child 29:53 Parent Anne shares her struggles with setting boundaries 31:14 Parent Anne's journey to becoming a better parent and healing from her own trauma 33:58 Parent Laura shares her son's potty problems and what she wished she had known about potty learning 37:13 Parent Laura highlights the importance of trusting your intuition and problem-solving skills as a parent 38:20 Respectful and gentle parenting as a tool to build a good relationship with our child 39:09 Parent Lucinda reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 41:56 How understanding one's own needs is crucial for being able to have authentic relationships with family and community 43:24 Parent Melissa reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 45:51 The benefits of being in an ACTion group in the Parenting Membership 47:14 Parent Benson reflects on his experience and shares what he wished he had known about parenting 48:51 Parent Amanda reflects on her experience and shares what she wished she had known about parenting 50:35 The importance of having a plan in parenting 52:03 Parent Elizabeth shares her realization that parenting is a continuous learning process 53:18 The importance of learning new skills to do things differently 55:34 Invitation to join the Parenting Me

All of our children go through phases when they do things we wish they wouldn’t do. Sometimes those things are relatively harmless but are pretty annoying, because they take extra time for us to clean up - things like eating (and making crumbs) in areas where we don’t want them to eat, shaving up a bar of soap, or piling up all the toys and refusing to help clean them up. Other times it’s not so harmless. They might hit us. &nbsp; Or hit a (smaller) sibling, for what seems like no reason. &nbsp; We want to get that behavior to stop…but how?In this episode we’ll meet a parent who’s struggling with the annoying behaviors…and we’ll hear directly from two parents who have found ways to navigate resistance and hitting, and these are no longer the problem they once were. &nbsp; There is hope. We don’t have to keep walking on eggshells waiting for the next explosion, or worried about what our child is doing as soon as our back is turned. &nbsp; Setting Loving (&amp; Effective!) Limits Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (&amp; Effective!) Limits workshop is for you. &nbsp; Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm &amp; collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (&amp; Effective!) Limits workshop. &nbsp; Click the banner to learn more. &nbsp; &nbsp; Jump to highlights: 00:50 Introduction for today’s episode 01:33 A member of Jen's community is seeking advice on how to manage her child’s frustrating behavior 04:23 How Jen resolved her issues with her husband's frustrating behavior during the COVID lockdown 06:16 The importance of understanding children's behavior and finding ways to meet their needs in a way that works for both the child and the parent 07:36 One of the reasons why children engage in activities that they know are forbidden: Lack of Impulse control 09:20 The importance of recognizing that our children are still learning how to regulate their emotions and impulses 11:17 How setting fewer limits can create a more positive and respectful relationship between parent and child 12:46 Parent Peju shares how she sets limits on her child 14:46 Understanding the underlying issues of a child's behavior is critical for effective parenting 15:54 The importance of recognizing the need for autonomy in children 17:50 Parent Fiona shares her struggles and how the community and the membership helped her resolve her problems 26:44 Parent Fiona’s non-cognitive shift as a result of seeing the issue from her son's perspective 28:19 Parent Stephanie, expresses how her connection with the ACTion group has been incredibly fulfilling for her. 30:01 The importance of curiosity when we feel triggered 33:39 The second reason why children engage in activities that they know are forbidden: They're doing it deliberately to get our attention 34:36 How our culture and capitalist system affect families and the way we parent 35:45 Why does our culture make it difficult to ask for help in parenting 36:43 Invitation to Setting Limits Masterclass