Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura

If you don't like the way things are done at your school, do what our South African friend does and bring a whip. Make it a quick class, very quick class! The mommies recap their tour of the South and all the calories that came with it. Cheese and PISSA and wings. So, so, so many wings. We share the Ricky Schroder/Webster story from JRE as we still can't enough of that cute, little, black son of a bitch. Chuck Woolery has a pretty crazy twitter account. We read some of it and then play some of the classics from Love Connection. My goodness do we love that show. Put 2 and 2 in your butt. Plus we play audio of a man who is disappointed in his prostitute. It's horrifying! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Mommy Dome is a hot bed of hot topics on this episode. Christina and Tom discuss Nate Dogg's prolific career, brown talk, the most disgusting cookbook ever, Real Talk about Mob Wives, KC BBQ, the history of "KingFish", a new Mommy sing-a-long song, and more! Jeans up! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You gonna repsect the game, ho. You know what I'm sayin? Do you? No? Oh, well, it's kinda confusing. Luckily for you we have a guest that fits into our studio like a brand new custom pair of jeans. You may have seen her in I Love You, Man, Enlightened, or Drunk History and now she's all up in your ear buds, (She's also the last person that GG Allin slept with but her husband doesn't know so don't tell him) it's Sarah Burns! It's also show and tell time for the mommies as we play her some of our favorite recent clips. This includes some of the KING (you've been warned). There's also Tom or Black and more! You can go ahead and "favorite" this episode now - it's amazing. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Our philosophy has always been push as hard as you can until it hurts and then tell us about it - and you did! Your poop triggers are fascinating and unique. STOP THE PRESS - Stevie has been sighted in Nashville! This is HUGE news. Please, if you are in the Nashville area approach with caution and let Stevie know that the mommies are coming to town! You gotta take care of your FEETSIES. You're saying a lot if your toes are all mashed up and flakey. Hands too. I guess Tommy is freakin out man cause his fingers are ALL chewey! Ewwwwww. Plus a huge video reveal: IFartInYoFace is the King A** Ripper and we celebrate his gift with all of you. All others bow in his presence or face his wrath (from his butthole)! Get a whiff of that! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Due to Blueban's incompentance this episode had to be re-recorded. Oh, Blueban! Unfortunately it means that a mommy is missing. Christina is out, but step-mommy, Ryan Sickler fills in and brings the fun, filth, and funny that he always does. Tom and Ryan discuss uncomfortable moments with fans, bizarre sexual experiences and requests, the NFL, the Name of The Year contest, a twitter prank, Would You Rather's and more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Some people make your P***y dry! Who does that in your life? Now let them know. Good job. We talk about regrets in life, how awful some audience members can be, how awesome others are, but the big news is that our sushi server who berates for ordering too much is caught on tape giving us the biz! The real scoop is that we really don't order that much, this woman just hates us and everyone who orders more than 4 bites. Then we share what is perhaps the most infuriating 60 Minutes piece we have ever seen -at least in the consumer market genre-and we want our mommies to know the truth. Sunglasses are a racket! Theo fills it up! Oh My GOD! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Chang chong ping pong! Guess who's back? It's the great Yoshi! This is by far one of the craziest episodes we've ever done. Yoshi goes deep. Deep into his mind, soul, and past. He shares a lot and it's fantastic, compelling, terrifying, sad and hilarious all at once. What a guest! There's no way we can describe everything we talk about, but here are some key words: Porn, fighting, death, fleeing, kids, blood, hookers. What do you think? Yeah, I thought so. Come back in 2 days for part 2, Geisha Jeans! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you don't have teeth, why don't you sing a song? ALL black people can sing...is something a lot of white people believe. We're a couple of only a few who know this is a great mystery. After this episode you will also know the truth. We give you a FULL REPORT on how the THEO fundraiser was an overwhelming success. We are forever grateful to our friends, fans, Theo, and jeans. Memorable dumps are just that - great memories. We recap some of our fondest brown moments. REAL TALK - Gigolos is back!!! That's right, welcome BACK to Braceland! We have clips of the show and of Nick's NEW Sh***y song! Sex sounds! Fill Her Up and more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week, the mommies grab em by the p***y! Will Tina follow thru on the dog food challenge? Do radio rap songs make you cry? We have ANOTHER angry Persian voicemail. Jeans Up! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week, the mommies discover and fall in love with a new Dan Pena clip, get a translation for Christina's Persian voicemail lady, listen to old and new songs, play a round of 'Rate My Jeans,' and much much more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week on YMH, Tom and Christina take a look at some great points about sleeping with your friends, try to pick a name for Tom's new stand-up tour, play another round of 'Horrible or Hilarious,' call Ryan "Sickle Cell" Sickler to figure out who coined the nickname, and much much more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week, the mommies dive deep into the fetish of ball kicking, see what DJ Dad Mouth was up to in Des Moines, do another installment of Horrible or Hilarious, and much much more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week the mommies learn how to "rip some skin," judge a mommy's denim, play Horrific or Hilarious, watch a recovered Top Dog call from a lost episode, and much much more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week, the mommies find a VERY talented grandmother who works for a a certain kind of phone line, they welcome back one of the strongest performers in the adult industry, watch the trailer for Steven Seagal's new action movie where he doesn't move a lot, and much much more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

On this week's episode, the mommies educate themselves on vaginal knitting, get some questions answered on special people's daily schedules, pick a name for their son just incase they get pregnant again, and much, much more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You should drink your pee. Especially if you have a cold or a fever or a stomach ache or you're tired. Pee is better than medicine. It's your own medicine and it's free (and tastes good). Also, stop being stupid. We tell stories about our old landlord, Jose. Plus a new game - Horrible or Hilarious? Will Tom like a psycho and someone's unfortunate circumstance or will he see it like a human? Plus an incredible impromptu call with Top Dog where we read him street jokes and he laughs, well, harder than we've ever laughed at anything. It's amazing. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week the mommies do a very important dental update as a recent article about the merits of flossing has surfaced. Christina learns what a "trap-p***y" is during an outing at the park with her family. Also, Percocet-master Gina from Boston is warmly welcomed to the mommy-dome. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week the mommies find Christina's dad on Instagram having a dance-off in Ibiza, review some fan-made websites, discuss the order of sushi they couldn't beat, and learn how to become bad boys Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is the type of thing denim was built for - the ultimate Momisode. If you're a HARD F'n CORE mommy you are in for a treat. Three of the most outrageous, hilarious and central people on this show are all in the episode and we had them IN studio. Sit back, relax and let the people who shaped Tommy Jeans entertain you by just being themselves. Plus we have Fat updates and much more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sometimes really scary moments, like blood dripping from your butt, can produce magical results, like Ari's farts. We have some for you. Does Dani sing a song for us? Well you Daniacs are gonna find out! (and it might involve a little baby named Hitler) Plus we have strictly friendly sports, a new dildo from Nick (AJ?) Hawk, and Doug Stanhope weighs in on the #FATBATTLE. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We hope you're HAPPY, Rachel! Mummy knows and now so does everyone else! Plus a Jamaican accent so thick the Master gets stumped?!? Tommy's family is in town and the house has flipped over. Will the Mommy's survive? An Asian guy from the South Pacific is still wanting a girlfriend, but with a new approach - intense dude energy. We have some advice. Plus The Water Championship has been settled, but who is the ALONE CHAMPION? The debate begins. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The thing about having your balls shrink is ultimately, it's the best thing that can happen. It makes your salami look so much bigger and who doesn't want that. Ze Zim Xir yim. Those are all preferred pronouns of severely mentally ill people, some of whom you may know. Make sure whenever you meet someone you open with, "Hey, what's your pronoun?" Plus, did Tom lose a bet and get his thumbs burned by cigs? Is the poop pile real? We work on getting you ANSWERS. AND #bertisfat is finally something you can own - get the new shirt and show the world you are on "TEAM TOM." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You kind of have to agree, if you're gonna poop you might as well share it. Thankfully, a nice man in New York City thinks the same way. Wanna hear a cool fart? You should say that and then fart. Just an idea from Tom that he thinks is really going to take off. Plus, have you ever taken a walk with your family? Just a regular walk? Well this life-changing in the mind of Christina and her communist upbringing. #BertIsFat goes to a whole new level and Tom and Christina aren't the ones who did it! Plus, buying crack, dental updates and a whole lot more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If Water drinking had a Super Bowl, this episode would be it. Pick your sides and deal with the results cause after this one, there will only be ONE. The Water Gawd. If thrive to be the best is that like striving to be the best? What if you have 4 teeth? Can you still be the best? Now add 400 or so pounds. Yup, the best. We love coaches and mentors as much as anyone else, but when said mentor speaks directly and curses non stop, well then we fall in love. Daniel Pena is straight forward and doesn't worry about feelings. Gnaw mean? Plus, let's get to the bottom of Bart being fat. This episode has BOTH sides of the story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

H2O and H2NO if you ask Tommy, the self-proclaimed "water champ." But Tina, she has other ideas up her sleeve, including a very sneaky plan that she reveals in this episode. PLUS, pig-calling, mastering accents, more fat Bert fun and then some, Ya feel us? To bring it home we have yet another Hall of Fame call from Top Dog and this time he weighs in on Double Pipe Classics. You can never have too much denim. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If there's one thing about black women that are about to throw down in public, it's LET THEM SPEAK. Something really great and probably funny that you never could have thought of is gonna fly. We have a new message to the Fuhrer from Dani and this one involves food and emergency services at Sea! How fat is Bert? Very. How aware is Bert that he is fat? We happen to think not enough. Look deep inside yourself and try to find a fun, effective way to let Bert know that he is fat and find out WHY he's that fat. We have Persian translations, IRISH AKA English translations, Would You Rather's and a WHOLE lot more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you puke on TV but then keep doing your TV job, you are what we call a PROFESSIONAL. Shout out to SWEDEN! Do you like rats? Do you have kids? Are you super lonely? Here's a tip: ditch the rats, keep the kids and someone worthwhile will come in to your life. It's just that rat "thing" that's keeping people away. Our Super Jew producer brought us a video about how to spot a Jew. But, like we said, he's a Jew. We don't know what he's up to but it feels really Jewey. The Master Of Accents is BACK! Will he finally be defeated by an inimitable cadence? Plus FAN MAIL, PATREON, and TINA JEANS is hitting the road again. Get those JEANS ON!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

PATREON, I told you to put that down! Also, sign up for Patreon, ya'll! You'll get extra bonus content, inside denim access, personal shout outs and more! WOW! say it again! WOW! Open your mouth so the whole dog can fit in the bathtub! Today we discover which gender we are (it's really changing at every moment). Plus Bert Is Fat and Why Is Bert So Fat really took off! We have all the fat comments. Dental Updates, dating inflatable animals, Joey Diaz being a SAVAGE and more! NO LOOSE DENIM ALLOW Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Morning news is the best. It opens the doors to grown up jokes about "Salad Tossing" (with real salads!) PLUS DJ Dad Mouth gets to muck around and have some fun! If you're gonna talk that ISH before you arm-wrestle, make sure you, you know, WIN. Unbelievably, the girl who was defending Hitler on YouTube was kicked off for HATE speech. Weird that YouTube doesn't know that Hitler watches YouTube all day. This episode is completely non-binary so please use proper pronouns. It's not a preference, it's a REQUIREMENT. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Did Bunz touch the sacred spot with Tina only mere feet away? JEANS. Which Braxton are you today? Is it the one that's DATING Birdman? WUUUUUT. Tom's awesome jacket is way cooler than Tina's art teacher jacket. Have you seen it? No, seriously, have you? The master of accents becomes even more masterful in this one. PLUS, was Hitler THAT bad? Would You Rather's, Fan Mail, Seagal, Butt hair and MORE! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You see thing about pimpin, man. You want a happy ho. Happy ho's eat, sad ho's don't. If you want to keep your stable out there and earnin then keep your ho's happy. This is the only podcast that provides cool insight like that. Also, Top Dog did it again. Yup, you guessed it, his face meat hit the numbers on the phone when we spoke to him. Oh yeah, he sharted too. Great story. All that and more. Just get your jeans on. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whoa those are some awfully BIG WORDS you said there. This week we have some incredible mentions of the BIGGEST of big words. Someone even said it to the Prez! Plus a foreign accent that seems DOUBTFUL and a DENTAL UPDATE that will have you brushing extra hard tonight. Seems like Mozart was a mommy, 20,000 years ago when he was alive and that's just somethin you gotta Respek. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Don't mess with Lincolnton, man! That's what Uncle Joey says. A lot of you say LinkedIn, but you know, La Craw, La Croix, feel me? When you listen to our show remember to RESPEK our name. Otherwise we'll be FINISHED and DONE with you. The mommy's really do their thang in this one and even talk to Tommy's Mommy about his new, important revelation. He's not only Poly and Bi...listen to find out what ELSE he, er, they is now. JEANS FOREVER. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Tommy and Tina went on a pegging adventure. Please take a look. Also, note that pegging doesn't involve another dude (BERT). You want to hear/see something gross? You KNOW we've got you covered. There's a young dude who likes grandma's GROSSSSS. Plus there's a girl who is in to tasting the uh, splooge, of dudes from different ethnicities. GROSSSSSSER. Tina tries to trick Tom into playing incriminating clips of verbal "slip ups." Will it backfire on Tina? Probably. And a NEW Gnawm Sayin King is proud to take his throne. Smell us? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We know the show is popular but even Rachel Maddow listens! Wow, and of course, Hey Hitler back at ya! It's been a while so we gave Top Dog a call and this one not only did not disappoint - it was epic. Like Wipe Down Epic. This ep is loaded: Crazie Locs listens to a fan song, a NEW abusive pimp, La Croix responds, NEW vocal fry, and a bunch of Would You Rather's. This ep is the Jeans' Jeans. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, F**K Boys! We are ready for you to do battle. On guard! T Bunz went on local TV in Cleveland and called out Crazie Locs. We thought that would have been the biggest news of this episode, but it isn't because - BRACE YOURSELF - CRAZIE LOCS finally speaks directly to us. Did that last sentence process? If it didn't read it again. Also, you know what I'm saying, you feel me, understand? And now SMELL ME? All in one clip from one person and he's the only one speaking. Amazing. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We'd like to dedicate this episode to all those days when you're feeling a little down, a little alone, a little like a d-bag that would dedicate an episode to someone. We got that Crazie Locs jam you know you want cause this time someone ELSE made it better. La Croix is French. Unless you are Tina jeans then you're all, "it's LA CROY." Plus we listen to what Tommy thought was Hungarian and ended up just being abusive! This is the kind of episode that'll have you wondering aloud, Where's The C*m? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

There's something about those jeans of yours. They're so...high and so...tight. They're PERFECT. We bring the ultimate dad laugh to the table on this one. It rivals Top Dogs famous dad laugh, no seriously, it does. Plus we have Locs doin his thang and stuff like that and Tommy doin his thang back and stuff like that. Shout out to everyone all over the world. Do you know Bryan Silva? You will now. Maybe you can help FREE him. And then, you know what I'm sayin, we count some new you know what I'm sayins. We learn about an evil sushi operation in NorCal and SO MUCH MORE. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Jeans up over your head! This one will have you screaming MOMMY! WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME?!?! Tommy put it out there in a MAJOR challenge to Crazie Locs last week. This week we await Locs' response while diving into some of his other uh, interests. Brace yourself - it's terrifying. Also, do you eat the booty? Where do you eat it? How often? Plus we think we have an alternate choice to Donald Trump. This is a guy with a lot to say and the only candidate with a Zombie plan. Do you want a pony? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Bruh! That was a deep fart. Cool that you got your little bro in on it. We got videos! If you're listening that's only half the battle. How often and how well do we make fun of those who are "LESS THAN"? Hopefully a lot. And this episode has no shortage. We have a CRAZIE LOC who Tommy challenges to a fight! Will he accept? Plus we have that intel you've been looking for on KIM AHN. It's so full of adventure and is truly AMAZE. Seagal has a new turd, er, trailer, and it's mind-numbing how bad it is. Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sup, Whitefolks! It's diss pimpin', feel me? Tommy's Uncle breaks down the pimpin game for us with all kinds of NOT caucasian flavor! PLUS - a poop soup success story! Should dudes wipe after Yellow?!?! We have a wipegate breakthrough. Where will you stand after this episode! Plus we are back with some AMAZE Kim Ahn audio and it's very NSFW - Glorious. If THAT doesn't turn you on, we also have a man that wants to f**k a rollercoaster. AND a NEW Would Your Rather that is sure to set a new (low) standard! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You know what I'm sayin? Ya feel me? Gnaw Mean? Are these different expressions or the same thing? We DEBATE and there might be a new KING, Do you know what we're saying? Plus Hitler might be real. As in, the real Fuhrer. Plus Dani goes blue, er, brown on this one and we have a new awesome song to accompany her. This is mighty fine cut of denim. Put it on. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Don't get it twisted, we might look, you know, DIFFERENT, but we are still hood as S**T and we will F**K yo ass up! Nah, we be playin, jeans. But some people are NOT playing and thankfully they record their messages for us. Plus the mystery has been SOLVED. There's no more guessing when it comes to Hey, Hitler or Happy Birthday to, er, Nicholas. We have the indisputable results. They are disturbing, which is our favorite. Plus Tommy is ambushed by a SURPRISE psychological review of his artwork. Is he well? Never play games with Ghostface Killah or his goons. This audio should prove that to you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Watch your mouth sweetheart! Unless you're 12 years old. Then go ahead and drop a C-Bomb! The only thing better than an old person cursing is an unassuming child. Is Hey, Hitler picking up steam or slowing down? Unfortunately for the weak-hearted, it's becoming a movement! Plus the OG of HH has a birthday song she wants to share. Who does she sing it too? Let's have Christina break that one down! Pastor Manning might have the doors of his beloved Hate-filled church close down. Does he have a parting message? Yes. Is it other-level insane? You betcha! Dental updates, new songs and more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And a good day to you, Hitler! Cheerio, Mate! Aw the Hi Hitler saga continues. Where will it go? Does it make sense? We have the answers. Mommy loves you and hopes that you love mommy too. Nothing like a funny clip with a sad backstory to get the show a rockin! Plus we asked you if Hitler porn existed and you answered! The Fuhrer wouldn't be so happy if he saw what happened to his picture tho. When a megachurch pastor speaks in error we laugh. When he can't seem to fix it we laugh harder. This is all denim here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Don't go for the hole! Just find the CLICK! Confused? Well, we have the full audio that makes it simple and easy. Remember, it's all about the click. Tommy had some surprising browns this episode. Really, they happened DURING the episode. What was the cause? Did Christina brown too?!? Plus Ann Wolfe drops some serious fight knowledge in the Ann Wolfe way AND Will Steven Seagal be challenged as the most ridiculous martial artist by another silly man? Not even close, but we have some fun audio of Chuck Norris. Did you know Antonio Cromartie had a vasectomy? Did you know it didn't work? We have audio of his orgasm. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Hitler! Hope all is well. Let us know what's up. There's a new hilarious lady whose apartment has caught on fire. Sorry about the fire, lady. But super thankful a camera crew found you to talk about it. The mommies talk about crazy plastic surgeons, crazy Sean Penn, crazy edibles and whole lot more. Plus, Master Of Accents, Tom "The King of All Accents" Segura will blow your mind with his ability to mimic ANY accent! This episode is 100% denim. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Jeans, We are wanting to hear your best MOM calls. Let it rip, Mommy! Plus, was that fart or the national anthem? Nothing is worse that a goofy porn actor. Where's the best fast food? Would you eat there for a month. Did you know that Tommy can do ANY foreign accent? It's all here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Main Mommy is back! Tina doesn't let a little thing like delivering a baby hold her back. She's in the Dome and talking about what's important: Farts, Big Words, Graphic Sex and Steven Seagal. Sometimes all together. This episode has everything including intel about a certain Super Bowl winning coach. You won't believe what we saw him do. Jeans up forever! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is our final gift to you in the year 2015, a visit from beloved guest, world prostitute chaser and medical lab rat, YOSHI! As always, no written word can prepare or describe what Yoshi bring to the table. Put in your ear buds, crank the volume and enjoy this one. Thanks for a great 2015, MOMMIES! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices