Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura

This week the mommies do a very important dental update as a recent article about the merits of flossing has surfaced. Christina learns what a "trap-p***y" is during an outing at the park with her family. Also, Percocet-master Gina from Boston is warmly welcomed to the mommy-dome. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week the mommies find Christina's dad on Instagram having a dance-off in Ibiza, review some fan-made websites, discuss the order of sushi they couldn't beat, and learn how to become bad boys Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is the type of thing denim was built for - the ultimate Momisode. If you're a HARD F'n CORE mommy you are in for a treat. Three of the most outrageous, hilarious and central people on this show are all in the episode and we had them IN studio. Sit back, relax and let the people who shaped Tommy Jeans entertain you by just being themselves. Plus we have Fat updates and much more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sometimes really scary moments, like blood dripping from your butt, can produce magical results, like Ari's farts. We have some for you. Does Dani sing a song for us? Well you Daniacs are gonna find out! (and it might involve a little baby named Hitler) Plus we have strictly friendly sports, a new dildo from Nick (AJ?) Hawk, and Doug Stanhope weighs in on the #FATBATTLE. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We hope you're HAPPY, Rachel! Mummy knows and now so does everyone else! Plus a Jamaican accent so thick the Master gets stumped?!? Tommy's family is in town and the house has flipped over. Will the Mommy's survive? An Asian guy from the South Pacific is still wanting a girlfriend, but with a new approach - intense dude energy. We have some advice. Plus The Water Championship has been settled, but who is the ALONE CHAMPION? The debate begins. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The thing about having your balls shrink is ultimately, it's the best thing that can happen. It makes your salami look so much bigger and who doesn't want that. Ze Zim Xir yim. Those are all preferred pronouns of severely mentally ill people, some of whom you may know. Make sure whenever you meet someone you open with, "Hey, what's your pronoun?" Plus, did Tom lose a bet and get his thumbs burned by cigs? Is the poop pile real? We work on getting you ANSWERS. AND #bertisfat is finally something you can own - get the new shirt and show the world you are on "TEAM TOM." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You kind of have to agree, if you're gonna poop you might as well share it. Thankfully, a nice man in New York City thinks the same way. Wanna hear a cool fart? You should say that and then fart. Just an idea from Tom that he thinks is really going to take off. Plus, have you ever taken a walk with your family? Just a regular walk? Well this life-changing in the mind of Christina and her communist upbringing. #BertIsFat goes to a whole new level and Tom and Christina aren't the ones who did it! Plus, buying crack, dental updates and a whole lot more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If Water drinking had a Super Bowl, this episode would be it. Pick your sides and deal with the results cause after this one, there will only be ONE. The Water Gawd. If thrive to be the best is that like striving to be the best? What if you have 4 teeth? Can you still be the best? Now add 400 or so pounds. Yup, the best. We love coaches and mentors as much as anyone else, but when said mentor speaks directly and curses non stop, well then we fall in love. Daniel Pena is straight forward and doesn't worry about feelings. Gnaw mean? Plus, let's get to the bottom of Bart being fat. This episode has BOTH sides of the story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

H2O and H2NO if you ask Tommy, the self-proclaimed "water champ." But Tina, she has other ideas up her sleeve, including a very sneaky plan that she reveals in this episode. PLUS, pig-calling, mastering accents, more fat Bert fun and then some, Ya feel us? To bring it home we have yet another Hall of Fame call from Top Dog and this time he weighs in on Double Pipe Classics. You can never have too much denim. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If there's one thing about black women that are about to throw down in public, it's LET THEM SPEAK. Something really great and probably funny that you never could have thought of is gonna fly. We have a new message to the Fuhrer from Dani and this one involves food and emergency services at Sea! How fat is Bert? Very. How aware is Bert that he is fat? We happen to think not enough. Look deep inside yourself and try to find a fun, effective way to let Bert know that he is fat and find out WHY he's that fat. We have Persian translations, IRISH AKA English translations, Would You Rather's and a WHOLE lot more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you puke on TV but then keep doing your TV job, you are what we call a PROFESSIONAL. Shout out to SWEDEN! Do you like rats? Do you have kids? Are you super lonely? Here's a tip: ditch the rats, keep the kids and someone worthwhile will come in to your life. It's just that rat "thing" that's keeping people away. Our Super Jew producer brought us a video about how to spot a Jew. But, like we said, he's a Jew. We don't know what he's up to but it feels really Jewey. The Master Of Accents is BACK! Will he finally be defeated by an inimitable cadence? Plus FAN MAIL, PATREON, and TINA JEANS is hitting the road again. Get those JEANS ON!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

PATREON, I told you to put that down! Also, sign up for Patreon, ya'll! You'll get extra bonus content, inside denim access, personal shout outs and more! WOW! say it again! WOW! Open your mouth so the whole dog can fit in the bathtub! Today we discover which gender we are (it's really changing at every moment). Plus Bert Is Fat and Why Is Bert So Fat really took off! We have all the fat comments. Dental Updates, dating inflatable animals, Joey Diaz being a SAVAGE and more! NO LOOSE DENIM ALLOW Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Morning news is the best. It opens the doors to grown up jokes about "Salad Tossing" (with real salads!) PLUS DJ Dad Mouth gets to muck around and have some fun! If you're gonna talk that ISH before you arm-wrestle, make sure you, you know, WIN. Unbelievably, the girl who was defending Hitler on YouTube was kicked off for HATE speech. Weird that YouTube doesn't know that Hitler watches YouTube all day. This episode is completely non-binary so please use proper pronouns. It's not a preference, it's a REQUIREMENT. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Did Bunz touch the sacred spot with Tina only mere feet away? JEANS. Which Braxton are you today? Is it the one that's DATING Birdman? WUUUUUT. Tom's awesome jacket is way cooler than Tina's art teacher jacket. Have you seen it? No, seriously, have you? The master of accents becomes even more masterful in this one. PLUS, was Hitler THAT bad? Would You Rather's, Fan Mail, Seagal, Butt hair and MORE! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You see thing about pimpin, man. You want a happy ho. Happy ho's eat, sad ho's don't. If you want to keep your stable out there and earnin then keep your ho's happy. This is the only podcast that provides cool insight like that. Also, Top Dog did it again. Yup, you guessed it, his face meat hit the numbers on the phone when we spoke to him. Oh yeah, he sharted too. Great story. All that and more. Just get your jeans on. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whoa those are some awfully BIG WORDS you said there. This week we have some incredible mentions of the BIGGEST of big words. Someone even said it to the Prez! Plus a foreign accent that seems DOUBTFUL and a DENTAL UPDATE that will have you brushing extra hard tonight. Seems like Mozart was a mommy, 20,000 years ago when he was alive and that's just somethin you gotta Respek. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Don't mess with Lincolnton, man! That's what Uncle Joey says. A lot of you say LinkedIn, but you know, La Craw, La Croix, feel me? When you listen to our show remember to RESPEK our name. Otherwise we'll be FINISHED and DONE with you. The mommy's really do their thang in this one and even talk to Tommy's Mommy about his new, important revelation. He's not only Poly and Bi...listen to find out what ELSE he, er, they is now. JEANS FOREVER. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Tommy and Tina went on a pegging adventure. Please take a look. Also, note that pegging doesn't involve another dude (BERT). You want to hear/see something gross? You KNOW we've got you covered. There's a young dude who likes grandma's GROSSSSS. Plus there's a girl who is in to tasting the uh, splooge, of dudes from different ethnicities. GROSSSSSSER. Tina tries to trick Tom into playing incriminating clips of verbal "slip ups." Will it backfire on Tina? Probably. And a NEW Gnawm Sayin King is proud to take his throne. Smell us? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We know the show is popular but even Rachel Maddow listens! Wow, and of course, Hey Hitler back at ya! It's been a while so we gave Top Dog a call and this one not only did not disappoint - it was epic. Like Wipe Down Epic. This ep is loaded: Crazie Locs listens to a fan song, a NEW abusive pimp, La Croix responds, NEW vocal fry, and a bunch of Would You Rather's. This ep is the Jeans' Jeans. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, F**K Boys! We are ready for you to do battle. On guard! T Bunz went on local TV in Cleveland and called out Crazie Locs. We thought that would have been the biggest news of this episode, but it isn't because - BRACE YOURSELF - CRAZIE LOCS finally speaks directly to us. Did that last sentence process? If it didn't read it again. Also, you know what I'm saying, you feel me, understand? And now SMELL ME? All in one clip from one person and he's the only one speaking. Amazing. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We'd like to dedicate this episode to all those days when you're feeling a little down, a little alone, a little like a d-bag that would dedicate an episode to someone. We got that Crazie Locs jam you know you want cause this time someone ELSE made it better. La Croix is French. Unless you are Tina jeans then you're all, "it's LA CROY." Plus we listen to what Tommy thought was Hungarian and ended up just being abusive! This is the kind of episode that'll have you wondering aloud, Where's The C*m? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

There's something about those jeans of yours. They're so...high and so...tight. They're PERFECT. We bring the ultimate dad laugh to the table on this one. It rivals Top Dogs famous dad laugh, no seriously, it does. Plus we have Locs doin his thang and stuff like that and Tommy doin his thang back and stuff like that. Shout out to everyone all over the world. Do you know Bryan Silva? You will now. Maybe you can help FREE him. And then, you know what I'm sayin, we count some new you know what I'm sayins. We learn about an evil sushi operation in NorCal and SO MUCH MORE. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Jeans up over your head! This one will have you screaming MOMMY! WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME?!?! Tommy put it out there in a MAJOR challenge to Crazie Locs last week. This week we await Locs' response while diving into some of his other uh, interests. Brace yourself - it's terrifying. Also, do you eat the booty? Where do you eat it? How often? Plus we think we have an alternate choice to Donald Trump. This is a guy with a lot to say and the only candidate with a Zombie plan. Do you want a pony? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Bruh! That was a deep fart. Cool that you got your little bro in on it. We got videos! If you're listening that's only half the battle. How often and how well do we make fun of those who are "LESS THAN"? Hopefully a lot. And this episode has no shortage. We have a CRAZIE LOC who Tommy challenges to a fight! Will he accept? Plus we have that intel you've been looking for on KIM AHN. It's so full of adventure and is truly AMAZE. Seagal has a new turd, er, trailer, and it's mind-numbing how bad it is. Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sup, Whitefolks! It's diss pimpin', feel me? Tommy's Uncle breaks down the pimpin game for us with all kinds of NOT caucasian flavor! PLUS - a poop soup success story! Should dudes wipe after Yellow?!?! We have a wipegate breakthrough. Where will you stand after this episode! Plus we are back with some AMAZE Kim Ahn audio and it's very NSFW - Glorious. If THAT doesn't turn you on, we also have a man that wants to f**k a rollercoaster. AND a NEW Would Your Rather that is sure to set a new (low) standard! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You know what I'm sayin? Ya feel me? Gnaw Mean? Are these different expressions or the same thing? We DEBATE and there might be a new KING, Do you know what we're saying? Plus Hitler might be real. As in, the real Fuhrer. Plus Dani goes blue, er, brown on this one and we have a new awesome song to accompany her. This is mighty fine cut of denim. Put it on. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Don't get it twisted, we might look, you know, DIFFERENT, but we are still hood as S**T and we will F**K yo ass up! Nah, we be playin, jeans. But some people are NOT playing and thankfully they record their messages for us. Plus the mystery has been SOLVED. There's no more guessing when it comes to Hey, Hitler or Happy Birthday to, er, Nicholas. We have the indisputable results. They are disturbing, which is our favorite. Plus Tommy is ambushed by a SURPRISE psychological review of his artwork. Is he well? Never play games with Ghostface Killah or his goons. This audio should prove that to you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Watch your mouth sweetheart! Unless you're 12 years old. Then go ahead and drop a C-Bomb! The only thing better than an old person cursing is an unassuming child. Is Hey, Hitler picking up steam or slowing down? Unfortunately for the weak-hearted, it's becoming a movement! Plus the OG of HH has a birthday song she wants to share. Who does she sing it too? Let's have Christina break that one down! Pastor Manning might have the doors of his beloved Hate-filled church close down. Does he have a parting message? Yes. Is it other-level insane? You betcha! Dental updates, new songs and more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And a good day to you, Hitler! Cheerio, Mate! Aw the Hi Hitler saga continues. Where will it go? Does it make sense? We have the answers. Mommy loves you and hopes that you love mommy too. Nothing like a funny clip with a sad backstory to get the show a rockin! Plus we asked you if Hitler porn existed and you answered! The Fuhrer wouldn't be so happy if he saw what happened to his picture tho. When a megachurch pastor speaks in error we laugh. When he can't seem to fix it we laugh harder. This is all denim here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Don't go for the hole! Just find the CLICK! Confused? Well, we have the full audio that makes it simple and easy. Remember, it's all about the click. Tommy had some surprising browns this episode. Really, they happened DURING the episode. What was the cause? Did Christina brown too?!? Plus Ann Wolfe drops some serious fight knowledge in the Ann Wolfe way AND Will Steven Seagal be challenged as the most ridiculous martial artist by another silly man? Not even close, but we have some fun audio of Chuck Norris. Did you know Antonio Cromartie had a vasectomy? Did you know it didn't work? We have audio of his orgasm. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Hitler! Hope all is well. Let us know what's up. There's a new hilarious lady whose apartment has caught on fire. Sorry about the fire, lady. But super thankful a camera crew found you to talk about it. The mommies talk about crazy plastic surgeons, crazy Sean Penn, crazy edibles and whole lot more. Plus, Master Of Accents, Tom "The King of All Accents" Segura will blow your mind with his ability to mimic ANY accent! This episode is 100% denim. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Jeans, We are wanting to hear your best MOM calls. Let it rip, Mommy! Plus, was that fart or the national anthem? Nothing is worse that a goofy porn actor. Where's the best fast food? Would you eat there for a month. Did you know that Tommy can do ANY foreign accent? It's all here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Main Mommy is back! Tina doesn't let a little thing like delivering a baby hold her back. She's in the Dome and talking about what's important: Farts, Big Words, Graphic Sex and Steven Seagal. Sometimes all together. This episode has everything including intel about a certain Super Bowl winning coach. You won't believe what we saw him do. Jeans up forever! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is our final gift to you in the year 2015, a visit from beloved guest, world prostitute chaser and medical lab rat, YOSHI! As always, no written word can prepare or describe what Yoshi bring to the table. Put in your ear buds, crank the volume and enjoy this one. Thanks for a great 2015, MOMMIES! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Merry Jeansmas! Hope you all are snuggling and kissing and drinking cocoa by the fire. We have a baby jeans and will be doing all that, gurl. This episode has magic: enemas, OMG Maria, Top Dog, Kim Ahn breaking it down HARD CORE, Would You Rather's and a whole lot more. Please be safe and allow denim into your heart. Please support our sponsors - MeUndies.com/mom and BlueApron.com/mom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Is Baby Jeans here?! You'll just have to listen to find out! What happens when you get AIDS from someone and you see them on public transit? You gotta call them out, yo! RIP Greg Giraldo Plus the KING has been in hiding for a while and now we have confirmation that he's BACK! And Tommy insists that his DJing will pay off in the future, I mean, listen to what Paris Hilton is doing. You get to decide if its good. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a Jeanstastic episode! The FedEx controversy RAGES on! Tommy has some damning evidence that may turn Christina's pronunciation on it's head. Um, do we have an exclusive interview with Throatzilla aka Orally Gifted? Yes, yes jeans we do! Also important Steven Segal update. Fill her up and seal her shut! What a BIG DAY! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Bond, Jeans Bond is the name or perhaps you're more familiar with Double 0 Denim as I'm known inside these walls. The mommies have a spectacular bonus clip of the new Bond movie and you are sure to love it. Plus is a white boy claiming to be a crip the real deal or is he frontin in a red hat? We have the Farsi voicemails translated, the lamest dude ever in porn and a call from Tommy's Uncle Bill You got that sauce, mane? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Happy HatesGiving, MOMMY! As is tradition on this show we'll do our best to offend you for the holiday! Do you have an incurable neurological disorder? Is English not your first language? Do you not look like us? Do you live somewhere that isn't Los Angeles? Hopefully we hit you below the belt! The Persian Lady who has left Tina countless messages about the desert and sharia laws has, you guessed it, left MORE messages. What the hell is she saying in Farsi?!? We encourage you to EAT WHAT YOU WANT for Thanksgiving. Is turkey not your thing? Push back against the man and get a steak or a hot dog - whatever you desire, Mommy. PLUS we have audio of TINA SNORING (LOUDLY), a crazy escort talks about her "job" AND a HUGE announcement that involves Tommy and one of the greatest rappers of ALL TIME. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yo Chuck! Yo, You got AIDS, YO! Aw, Damn, kid. Hope you got your Jimmy Hat. Tommy's done with the road for 2016, but he brought Guess My Brown home from the Big City! Will Tina guess correctly? Bunz has an idea for a new business to help support our growing family. If you need a nail trimming, please don't cut them! We're coming over. Plus fashion has never been Tommy's strong suit and he's apparently really owning that now. Jeans has something to say about Bunzies new apparel. And she rocked your world with last weeks Yellow/Brown/Yellow revelation. This week, Tina has a NEW insight into how browns and yellows sometimes mix. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Christina guesses Tom's brown! And a surprise game! Dunkin' Doughnuts vs Krispy Kreme. What side are the mommies on? Rachel Dolezal and Tamar Braxton. Tina has new voicemails and texts on her phone. The joys of a new phone number. If you borrow $20 from Linda, you'd better pay her back ASAP! Is Shaq hanging with Chuck Woolery? The most annoying girl in social media and more! Enjoy mommies. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Are you mad at your Mommy? Well, let her know! DJ Dad Mouth is working on his mad beatz and skillz. Is there really a lady out there wanting to lick Tom's b-hole? Turns out yes, yes there is. Christina is being challenged on her inventing the term "POS". Can she explain her way out of this one? Also, Mommy C raises a question that brings her to tears. Would You Rathers! Tom gives his insight into the new Matt Damon film. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you’re feeling hungry we have just the thing for you - a very special PICNIC. Make sure you bring your appetite because this is the kind of picnic that lets you keep on eating! Did Christina come up with an expression that is very popular in our vernacular or has it been around for more than a decade? It’s time to break it down. Plus Tommy has seen Christina flirt for long enough with the mailman and the Whole Farts check out boy. Could he be getting to know a super market girl as more than a friend??!?!? Diego AKA Thursday Lane set the podcast world on fire, but some people are saying “Too Much!” What will YOU say when he marries a fart? Guess My Brown debuts and an NFL players has something to say about the Cincinnati Fart , you know what I’m saying? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you smell those jeans is when I feel the strongest. Those and of course grey sweatpants. We missed you and this episode is almost a day late, but we promise that it's worth it. Of course there's porn being played in various California Target stores, but of course the Mommies have a good plan on how this rascal can up his game. Plus more fun sex audio and rap songs that are simply delightful. But we know why you're here this week and quite simply, yes, we have Diego AKA Thursday Lane and people are eager to help him smell man butt for hours and hours. It's all in these Jeans. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Jeans Up! We got it all on this one and there's no way you are ready. Dumb hooker math? Yup! Greezy Chuck? Mm-HMM! Seagal nonsense? You know it! What about something that might blow all of our minds and even some of our butts? What about a gas man who really wants it, puts it out there and even TALKS to us about it? Well, just press play because no description can do this episode justice. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Tommy trimmed his beard and in doing so lost 40 pounds! Was it all hair or does he have an incurable disease? He thinks he knows and Tina doesn't agree! If you sweat at night you may want to get some blood work done today. Nothing seems quite as ridiculous as a sports fan losing his mind - especially if it's not in YOUR sport. Luckily, we have one of those guys and he has a wonderful accent. We are masters of accents on this show and will prove it. We ALL know about King A** Ripper and his glorious skills - is someone ready to take the throne from him?!?! It appears that a PRINCE is near! Plus we finally put Peter Caine to rest and we top if off with an OMG Maria call for the AGES! Do NOT Kiss her P***y! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you feel something in your shorts and it feels like you should go to the bathroom, you probably should. Thankfully, we have audio of someone who didn't. What about a Dad Jokes Only tour? Would you get tickets? Huh? C'mon, buddy! Multiple choice!! OKAY!!! Should a wipe ALWAYS be clean? We debate as ONE OF US believes that a little something on there is fine. I mean, why use paper AT ALL?!? Dental update: If you're old, be old. Teeth included. Veneers make you look INSANE. Plus a Peter Caine update - he isn't happy with any of us. Is it because we don't own a Raven? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Drink Mountain Dew before bed! A riveting Dental Update from Tom - buckle up you will be shocked. Kamala Devi revelations (our favorite Poly-Bi couple). Safe Haven pooping locations. Christina is getting hit on by black guys now more than ever! Plus a special phone call with a YMH favorite - Peter Caine. Huge episode! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have you ever just done it in a parking lot on the pavement? Were you drunk? We are still Poly and Bi and loving it! Will Tom appreciate Christina's farts this week? The Cincy fart lives on. Tom insists that Christina is flirting with both their post man and a local Whole Foods Employee. A very sad dental update. Lots of mommy mail and a call from Top Dog!! Is it heaven on earth? No, it's just Your Mom's House! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do you jerk your meats in public? Only if you work late night at a gas station. But don't do it if you are surrounded by glass. John Cranley update - when will he listen to our demands for a Cincinnatti fart memorial?? Steven Segal revelations, intense fart conversations and football. Have you implemented a thumbs up system in your house yet? I hope so! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices