The Real Question

Our guest this week has a hard relationship with her dad. After years of hoping it would get better, she’s starting to feel like it might be time to quit. This week on Should I Quit? Vanessa and our guest explore the question: How do you love someone when they continue to hurt you? CW: This episode addresses addiction and includes reference to abuse. --We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Mae lives in Texas. She grew up there, her whole family is there, there are a lot of things she loves about her life there. But now that she's raising two small kids, she's beginning to think: Is this really the environment I want my kids to grow up in? This week on Should I Quit? Vanessa and Mae explore the questions: What does it means to make a home in a hostile place? And at what point do you leave? --We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When Eleanor got married, she took her husband’s last name. Now, nineteen years and three kids later, she’s working on a PhD. The PhD feels separate from her family life, something she’s doing just for herself. And so she’s started to wonder: Do I want to get this PhD under my married name? Or would it feel more ‘me’ to get it under my maiden name? This week on Should I Quit? Vanessa and Eleanor explore the power of names and what it means to feel like ‘you’ and be a mother at the same time. --We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Is there something in your life that's making you miserable, but you feel like you need to just put your head down and get through it? Have you considered... just not doing it instead? This week, Vanessa starts our new season of The Real Question with a thesis on why we should all be quitting more.Next week, you'll hear from our first guest who is considering quitting. And if you'd like to be on the show, you can submit a question here.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Our first episode of Should I Quit is coming October 24th! If you'd like to be on the show, you can submit a question here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

With help from Gilmore Girls and the song Closing Time from Semisonic, Vanessa and Casper explore the grief of endings and share about their upcoming projects. --You can find out more about The Nearness at https://www.thenearness.coop/. Should I Quit will premiere in late October. If you’d like to be on the show, you can submit here.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Casper recently joined The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos for a special episode on overcoming loneliness–a feeling many of us are all too familiar with. On The Happiness Lab, Laurie shares the latest scientific research and inspiring stories that will change the way you think about happiness. In this episode, Casper speaks to the benefits of belonging to like-minded communities and how they help our social lives thrive. Hear more from The Happiness Lab at https://podcasts.pushkin.fm/thls5?sid=real. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Casper grew up with a lot of confidence. And as he’s gotten older, that confidence has only been encouraged and solidified by the various privileged identities that he inhabits. Knowing that, he wants to intentionally cultivate a practice of humility. But how do you temper confidence, without crumbing into self doubt? With help from the TV show Julia and The Methodist Quadrilateral, Casper and Vanessa explore how to tell the truth in every situation.--Funding for this episode was provided by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, as part of its "Expanding Awareness of the Science of Intellectual Humility" initiative, supported by the John Templeton Foundation.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa has always had very good instincts about people. But recently she's started to wonder: where does that gut instinct come from inside of her? And how can she make sure her 'gut' is reflecting her wisdom, instead of her prejudices? With help from Into the Woods and Gilmore Girls, Vanessa and Casper explore how to give people the benefit of the doubt while still being able to trust your instincts.--Funding for this episode was provided by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, as part of its "Expanding Awareness of the Science of Intellectual Humility" initiative, supported by the John Templeton Foundation.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Lily has a boyfriend who she loves. But you know who she doesn’t love? Her boyfriend’s brother. He makes Lily feel small and hurt and honestly angry every time they see each other. But Lily wants to have a good relationship with her boyfriend’s family. So how does she deal with him? With help from Sara Bareilles and a scene from Fleabag, Lily, Vanessa, and Casper explore our relationships with in-laws and how to best deal with a bully.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hima’s parents moved to the United States when she was two years old. Her first language was Telugu, but her early teachers encouraged her parents to speak English at home. Now, she’s not entirely fluent. Hima knows that learning the language would probably make her feel closer to her family and her cultural identity – but it feels embarrassing to try, and trying comes with a lot of family baggage. Should she do it? With help from Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer and Jane the Virgin, Hima, Casper, and Vanessa explore what meaning language can hold.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When Rachel was working on her PhD, she always thought she would graduate and work at a science museum. But the pandemic changed her plans, no museums were hiring. But now she’s wondering, was that change forever? Or should she try to work her way back to her passion? With help from the show All Creatures Great and Small and the book Ammonite by Nicola Griffith, Rachel, Casper and Vanessa explore the relationship between passion and work.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Mariah has filled her life with meaningful friendships. In fact, she bought a house with her best friend and is helping to raise her friend’s kid. Now she’s starting to think about what role a romantic relationship might have in her life, and she’s getting nervous. She knows a romantic partner would take up space in her life, space she doesn’t really have right now. If she wants a romantic partner, what would she have to give up? And would it be worth it? With help from the songs Into the Unknown from Frozen 2 and You are My Favorite by Heather Mae, Mariah and Vanessa explore the risks of seeking something new.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We're cross-posting this special episode of Harry Potter and the Sacred Text, which we've released today. This year in commemoration of Juneteenth, Not Sorry is spotlighting The Final 5 Campaign, a coalition working to close the final five youth prisons in Illinois. Vanessa is joined in conversation by one of their leaders, Alicia Brown, who tells us about what it means to be a prison abolitionist and her work with the campaign. Please join us by making a donation, learning more about the failures of youth prisons, contacting your legislators about prisons in your state, and listening to their new podcast, Free The Youth. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Anna had her first child during the pandemic and she found her maternity leave to be really isolating and depressing. It was only once she was able to go back to school and work that she felt like herself again. But now she’s pregnant again and starting to get worried about her next maternity leave. What if she feels the same way? With help from the The Bright Field  by R.S. Thomas and A Line Above the Sky by Helen Mort, Anna, Casper and Vanessa explore the sacrifices and guilt associated with motherhood. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sarah Steinberg is passionate about making stop motion animation. It’s so satisfying, she could easily spend hours at a time working a single project. But Sarah also lives with rheumatoid arthritis, which makes her art practice difficult and often quite painful. This worries a lot of her friends, they don’t understand why she insists on having a hobby that’s so hard on her body. How does Sarah explain to them why it feels worth it?With help from the Lin-Manuel Miranda episode of Song Explorer and an episode of Sherlock, Sarah and Casper explore the balance between passion and pain, and what it means to to love someone with a disability.Check out Sarah’s amazing work here.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Marie-Hélène is the kind of person who changed her major a million times during college. But after a while, this habit started to feel embarrassing. So she made a promise to herself: “I am going to become the kind of person who commits to things and sees them through.” Now she’s been at the same job for seven years and is starting to feel antsy. But she can’t tell - is it because her old habit is rearing its head? Or is it because it’s really time to move on? With help from Independent People by Halldór Laxness and The Life of Pi by Yann Martel, Marie-Hélène, Vanessa, and Casper explore what it means to trust yourself when you feel like sometimes your instincts come from the wrong place. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dani has always wanted to live alone. Now, at 28, she’s living the dream. She owns her condo and doesn’t foresee needing a roommate. But looking ahead at the rest of her life, she’s a little worried about what she sees. If she lives alone forever, is she closing the door on an important kind of intimacy and support? With help from a song from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and a scene from Friends, Dani, Vanessa, and Casper explore society’s expectations around partnership, family and long-term relationships. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A few years ago, Lindsay left an abusive relationship. Since then she has almost completely cut her abuser out of her life. But there’s one friend they still share - and that friend is getting married. Lindsay has never talked to her friend about the abuse. But now, with her ex likely invited to the wedding, questions are coming up: Should she tell her friend about the abuse? What if he doesn’t believe her? Or still wants her abuser at his wedding? With help from In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado and Hunger by Roxane Gay, Lindsay, Vanessa and Casper discuss strategies for how to be vulnerable when you don’t know how a hard conversation will go. –If you or someone you know is experiencing intimate partner violence, The National Domestic Violence Hotline has great resources and are available 24/7 help. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ruth has been a woman their whole life, but that label has never quite felt right. Recently they had an experience where a stranger gendered them “wrongly” and it felt amazing. Since then they’ve been wondering, should they identify as non-binary? With help from Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night and an article by Tre’vell Anderson, Ruth, Vanessa, and Casper explore the confines of gendered language and the possibilities we have to expand it.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Maya Gosh has been in pain for years. She’s been going to doctors, trying to figure out what's going on with her body, but nobody seems to think anything is wrong with her. And lately she’s started to feel like the whole process of trying to get good healthcare is more painful emotionally and psychologically than the physical pain she’s in. Should she stop trying and protect her mental health? Or is that giving up?With help from Mythbusters and the Liverpool Football Club, Maya, Vanessa and Casper discuss everything that's at stake in trying to get a diagnosis.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Last fall, Sophie Clark broke up with her long-term partner and it was one of the hardest things she’s ever done. Trying to organize her grief, she began a weekly ritual - lighting candles and journaling about the break-up. But now, several months later, the ritual is feeling a little flat. What can she do to reimagine her practice to better fit where she is now in the grief process? With help from Jane Eyre and a William Prince song, Sophie, Vanessa and Casper explore what kind of thoughts and feelings surround a big break-up and what it means to heal. At the end of today’s episode, you’ll hear an original song by Sophie! You can hear more of her music here.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dana Schwartz is a #1 New York Times Best Selling author (go read her new book!), top charting podcaster, and Twitter super-star. But still, she sometimes finds herself looking at other writers with feelings of professional jealousy. She doesn’t like that feeling when it comes up, but she doesn’t know what to do about it. With help from Nick Jonas and the movie Amadeus, Dana, Vanessa and Casper explore how feelings of inadequacy often lead to jealousy. --If you’re interested in joining Dana and Vanessa on our upcoming Frankenstein pilgrimage, there are still spots available!  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Happy holidays! We're dropping in your feeds to share some news about the future of the show. If you’re interested in being on the show, please fill out this form and we’ll start contacting people in the new year.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa's step-daughter is *very* cool. But...is that a good thing? And what is coolness really?With help from West Side Story and Gone Girl, Vanessa and Casper explore the social capital and social manipulation of coolness. --We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We got so many questions for our "bad chaplaincy" episode last month, we decided we needed another round! This week, Casper and Vanessa answer your questions about work, exes, and how to know when you're on the right path.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Casper's life is on a path and generally he's pretty happy with how it's going. But every so often, he likes to fantasize about what it would look like to step off that path. What if, instead of living his normal life, he went on an adventure? What if he spent months traveling the world? Is that just a fantasy or is it something he can really do?With help from Under the Tuscan Sun and Mary Oliver, Casper and Vanessa explore the fear and excitement tied up with choosing something new.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This week we're taking some time to answer real questions from our audience! We touch on questions about disappointment in love, whether it's okay to be late, and setting boundaries.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Risa has a family member who isn’t getting vaccinated and the relationship is really troubling her. She wants to respect the values of the person she loves, but is finding that hard to do when the ‘right thing’ seems to be so clear. With help from a Brandy Carlile song and a blog post by Lilach Shafir, Risa and Casper explore how to be in relationship with someone who has values that seem diametrically opposed to your own. --We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa used to have a helpful story she told herself about her depression. She let herself stay in bed some days and understood that it was important for her health. But lately, she hasn’t been staying in bed. The story seems…broken, like it doesn’t fit the new version of her life. Is there a new story that could help her take care of herself better?With help from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Cheryl Strayed, Vanessa and Casper explore how to think about mental health when there’s so much pressure to be productive. --We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Casper is feeling a lot of nostalgia for his graduate school experience. There are so many times in his day to day life where he feels like he should know more and he wishes that he had a teacher to guide him. He's been trying to teach himself, but it just doesn't feel the same. Should he just go back to school?With help from Legally Blonde and Hermes Trismegistus, Casper and Vanessa explore how learning gets institutionalized and how we can make room for it after school is over.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Back in May, Vanessa brought us the question 'am I a Karen?' That episode focused on gender and the way systems of power can fail and frustrate women. This week we bring you part two of that conversation, where we discuss the racial dynamic at play in the Karen meme. We were incredibly lucky to be joined by Dr. Apryl Williams for this conversation. Dr. Williams is a multidisciplinary scholar who studies the experience of race and racism in digital spaces.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Casper has a soft spot in his heart for the monarchy. He understands all the absurdities of the institution, but he can’t get rid of that feeling that he associates with childhood and history and national identity. Is it okay to have that feeling knowing what he knows intellectually? Or should he be trying to get rid of it? With help from Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf and The Mirror and the Light by Hilary Mantel, Casper and Vanessa reflect on what it means to glorify national stories and how to go about dismantling them.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Every so often Vanessa scrolls through photos on her phone and runs into some memories she’d rather forget. Should she just delete those photos? Or are those bad memories something productive? With help from Spotlight and Mad About You, Vanessa and Casper explore what it means to re-write our own historical record and when we should do it.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Casper is getting older and he's been thinking about what that means. On the one hand: age is just a number! There’s no such thing as the ‘right’ thing you should be doing at any age. But on the other hand: he wants to make sure he’s stepping into the full responsibility of what it means to be an adult. Without subscribing to tradition benchmarks, how do you keep yourself on track? With help from David Sedaris and Shakespeare, Casper and Vanessa think about the 'stage' of middle age and what Casper should be doing with it. --We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Instead of a normal episode this week we're bringing you an episode of The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos, featuring our own Casper ter Kuile.Space crews, athletes and pop stars all indulge in strange rituals before moments of high stress. It's easy to mock these behaviours - indeed even the people who practise them often admit they're a bit weird - but they can act like performance enhancing drugs. Dr Laurie Santos looks at the research to show why creating a good luck ritual can make us perform better and feel calmer, happier and more confident when faced with life's big moments. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa has had a lot of really positive interactions with strangers. However there are moments when strangers, for whatever reason, trigger her defense mechanisms. What should she do in those moments? She doesn't want to be naive - there are people out there who can hurt you or take advantage of you. But also, she knows it's important to be kind whenever possible.With help from Thelma and Louise and an episode of Radiolab, Vanessa and Casper discuss whether we should assume good intentions in strangers.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Casper is suspicious of the value he puts on beauty in his life. He knows that he doesn't want to judge human bodies by their aesthetics, that much makes sense. But is it okay to love other forms of beauty out in the world? Or is that problematic too?With the help of a Shakespearean sonnet and 'How Fair This Spot' by Rachmaninoff, Casper and Vanessa untangle how to think about beauty as a moral category.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa doesn't know what to do when people ask her 'are you okay?' A lot of the time, she is not okay. She lives with a chronic illness, so unfortunately that kind of comes with the territory.On the one hand, radical honesty and communication is good. On the other hand, other people have their own problems. And most of the time, it's not like anyone can actually help.With help from I Am, I Am, I Am by Maggie O'Farrell and Cinderella, Vanessa and Casper explore the allure of a 'suck-it-up' mentality and how to be in relationship as someone who's hurting.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Casper has never liked his middle name. He’s ready to change it to something more meaningful to him, but how does he go about picking the right replacement?With help from John O’Donohue and Call Me By Your Name, Casper and Vanessa explore the connection between re-naming and a spiritual life.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

John Green has spent much of his life and career online. The community that he’s built there has been one of his greatest joys and achievements. But more and more he feels like his time on social media is poisoning his sense of well-being. Should he just give it up? Or would that be turning his back on something too valuable? With help from an essay by Thomas Berry and an episode of the podcast Your Undivided Attention, John, Vanessa and Casper explore the addictive quality of being online and if there's anyway to escape it. --We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa has some friendships that feel more like obligations than pleasures. What does she do with these friends? Does she break-up with them? Does stick it out and hope that they become fun again? Does she tell them how she feels? And how does she do any of it without hurting the people she cares about?With help from the musical Waitress and Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving, Vanessa and Casper weigh the value of clear communication versus the potentially healthy ebb and flow of life-long friendships.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Recently, Casper’s been looking back on his life with regret: he should have kissed more boys when he was younger! But what is he supposed to do with that feeling now? And how can he make sure that he’s living his life in a way that he won’t regret in the future?With help from a poem by Lucille Clifton and How Proust Can Change your Life by Alain de Baton, Casper and Vanessa try to parse what exactly the feeling of 'regret' is and what we can learn from it. --We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa's book finally came out into the world on Tuesday and we're so excited to share a chapter from the audiobook with you today! If you haven't already, you can snag your copy here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa's book is finally out in the world today! She chats with Casper about her writing process, inspiration, and more. If you haven't already, you can grab a copy of her book here! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa sometimes tells white lies in low stakes situations. Lies like ‘yes, I love that dress!’ or ‘I really enjoyed meeting your boyfriend!’ Are these lies good for her relationships? Or do they make her untrustworthy?With help from Trust Exercise by Susan Choi and Grey’s Anatomy, Vanessa and Casper try to untangle the relationship between truth and trust and figure out when it’s okay to lie. --We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Casper is getting to the age where he feels like he and his husband ’should’ start thinking about buying a house, but he doesn’t know if he really wants to. On the one hand, there's so much love and stability that is wrapped up in owning a house. On the other hand, he doesn't know if he ever wants to settle on one future in one place. Maybe buying a house would limit his future possibilities?With help from a picture of his childhood home, and theologian Walter Breuggemann, Casper and Vanessa discuss how to intentionally cultivate hospitality and whether stability is a goal or an illusion in life.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Every summer Vanessa goes to Germany with her partner, Peter. And every summer, Vanessa gets stuck around the dinner table at night surrounded by people speaking German (a language she does not speak). What she really wants to do in that situation is pull out a book… but that’s rude right?Drawing on Romance Mr. Bridgerton by Julia Quinn and the essay ‘Reflections on the Rights Use of School Studies with a View to the Love of God’ by Simone Weil, Vanessa and Casper examine what rudeness really is and when we should be willing to step our toe over the line.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Following the death of his grandmother, Casper has had some uncomfortable and unresolved questions about death and the afterlife. He used to feel very certain that death was the 'end' everything, but now he's not so sure. Is there such a thing as a 'soul'? And if so, does it go somewhere when the body dies?Drawing on Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace and a medieval illustration of death, Casper and Vanessa explore ideas about death, dying, and how we remember those who are gone.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa has a friend she wants to break-up with. The case is very clear cut: This person did something awful, and Vanessa no longer wants this person in her life. Does Vanessa owe it to this person to tell her that the friendship is over? And how does she tell the other people who might be effected by this friend break-up?Drawing on Jacques Derrida's theory of friendships and the U.S. version of The Office, Vanessa and Casper discern how to know when a friendship is over and what the right way convey that information is.--We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.