The Generous Husband Daily Rant

Men are straightforward sexually. Our bits are on the outside, they respond dramatically to stimulation, we climax easily, and we usually give good indications by sounds, movements, and words when we are enjoying what is being done. Additionally, men are fairly similar in what we want and enjoy. Yes, there’s some variation, but not a great deal. Women are a completely different story. Their bits are hidden, changes in response to stimulation are small and hard to see, climax can take awhile (by male standards), and feedback is often poor or non-existent. Additionally, there is a huge range of what women like, not only from woman to woman but for the same woman one time to the next. It is enough to drive a man to celibacy! Okay, not really, but it can be frustrating. What follows are various sexual issues. Some of which will apply to your lady, some will not. Most of these have links to other posts if you want more information: Communicate, communicate, communicate. Nothing else will help as much, and nothing else will make up for not communicating. If you’re the one holding back, get over it. If she is, work on it gently. You need to know what she wants, what she thinks, and what she feels sexually. You also need her to tell you what feels good and what doesn’t, when something goes from feeling good to feeling great, and if it goes from feeling good to not so good. Assure her she won’t hurt your feelings. You don’t have lady bits, so you need her to help you learn how to handle them for her best pleasure. Just because she is not feeling “horny” doesn’t mean she is unwilling to have sex. Nor does it mean she won’t enjoy sex if you have sex. For men, sexual desire is spontaneous, but for most women, sexual desire is triggered. Her menstrual cycle affects her sexuality a great deal. You should know where she is in her cycle at all times, and know what it means for her. The pill and other hormonal forms of birth control have been found to cause hormonal changes that significantly reduce sex drive and pleasure in many women. If your wife is using hormones to avoid pregnancy, this may be a part of any sexual problems you are having. Other drugs, especially antidepressants, can also cause problems. Her doctor may be able to help find ways around these issues. Because her genitals are so much more sensitive, she’s far more likely to feel discomfort or pain from sex. If you ignore signs of pain, she may stop complaining, which is not a good way to deal with it. Ask her if she ever has pain, and what you can do to help. (Learn why sex can hurt) She might not want to climax every time. Some women get upset when I say this, while others agree that for them, the “pressure to climax every time” actually puts them off sex. Ask her, and take her at her word. If she has difficulty reaching orgasm, or has never had one, the problem could be between her ears. Fortunately, there are things you can do to help. Her orgasm is not like your orgasm, in a number of ways. Learn how it works for her and you can make it better for her. Lack of sleep is the primary reason women say no to sex. This in turn is usually a result of being too busy. If you want her to desire and enjoy sex, she needs a sane life and plenty of sleep. (Other reasons women say no) Sex toys can make sex easier or better. But talk about it before you buy one. [This post first appeared Oct 23, 2012.] Image Credit: © RealPeopleStudio | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post FF: Understanding Her Sexuality: A Guide to Pleasuring Your Wife first appeared on The Generous Husband.

The other day, I closed my XY Code post by saying I wish on-line Christian marriage coaching had been a thing when Lori and I were newly married. I thought it might be useful for me to ruminate here how that might have gone for us. I used to say that when we got married, our only problems were sexual. Of course, this was not true. Yes, sex was the big issue screaming at us every day, but there were other things that needed work. And I know today that working on some of those would have helped us sexually. A good coach could have revealed those other issues, and convinced me to do some work there, even while sex was still a problem. The other error back then was thinking the sexual issues were all about Lori. She had been both molested and raped, and was struggling because of those things, so her stuff is what we were aware of. But I had sexual stuff too. While I had not looked at porn for years, my sexuality was still poisoned by it. I had issues because of my mother’s attitudes about men and sex, and from the high school girlfriend I messed around with. A good male coach could have shown me those issues and gotten me to work on them. That would have made sex easier, and would have taken some pressure off Lori, making it easier for her to deal with her stuff. I said a male coach because if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t have heard that from a woman. I would have assumed she was taking Lori’s side, or didn’t understand how important sex was to a man. This, BTW is why I am real big on marriage coaching being done by a couple. Everyone is represented, it feels safer, and there is someone who can speak each spouse’s language and hold their feet to the fire when needed. Image Credit: © Prostock-studio | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post How Marriage Coaching Could Have Improved Our Early Years first appeared on The Generous Husband.

From time to time, I see or work with a man on the verge of his wife filing for divorce, who responds by becoming hyper-spiritual. He proclaims that her actions and choices are due to either his wife falling away from the Lord, or demonic activity, or both. In some cases, this is just an escalation of how he has been for a long time. Other times, the man becomes this way when he realises his wife is thinking of getting out. I’m all for being spiritual, but hyper-spirituality is something else. The man starts gossiping about his wife in the name of seeking prayer. He may pray for his wife, but he also judges her. There are two problems. First, these guys never show any grace for their wife. I’m sure they could tell you why her sins mean she doesn’t deserve grace, but that’s just justification. And it violates the message of the gospel. The second problem is these men are so focused on all the things she is doing wrong, they don’t look at what they are doing wrong. And usually when men go down this path, there is a lot of wrong treatment of their wife in their past. They think they have dealt with it and God has forgiven them, so they see it as a non issue. But even if he has changed, expecting his wife to forgive him and turn on a dime is silly. If you see yourself in what I have described, please know your actions are driving your wife away. I’ve never seen this work out for a man, and I’ve seen it end marriages that might have been saved. If you’re not giving grace and forgiveness at every turn, you are not treating your wife as Jesus would have you treat her. Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.aiShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post When Hyper-Spirituality Threatens Your Marriage first appeared on The Generous Husband.

When did you last thank your wife for doing something that’s “her job”? It’s easy to stop being aware of things she does if she does them well. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say. Take a moment to think about the things she does so reliably you’ve stopped thinking about them. Then express some gratitude. Image Credit: © Monkey Business | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Appreciating the Unseen: Rekindling Gratitude first appeared on The Generous Husband.

A few days ago, I suggested you get help for your marriage if you need it. Today, I want to give you the same advice for your sex life. When we were newly married, Lori and I could have used some help in this area. But we couldn’t find anyone with a Christian world view offering such help. Today, that’s no longer the case. If you seek help for sex, you want someone who has a good deal of training. They have to be able to help with things they have never faced themselves. It’s much better to go as a couple, and if you can find a couple who will work with you, that’s ideal. Getting help is about more than mismatched sex drives or something one spouse wants the other won’t do. Maybe there’s something you have never been able to figure out; sex isn’t as intuitive as we think. Or perhaps, some life or body change has messed with how you have always done sex, and you need to talk through things and get some suggestions on workarounds. Or perhaps sex is fine, but boring, and you want some new ways to enjoy each other. Lori and I do sex coaching through Aldrich Ministries. We will work man to man, woman to woman, and couple to couple as needed. Coaching for much of what I’ve described is a few sessions, probably several weeks or months apart. If the problem is stuff from your past, Aldrich has folks who can do story work, which can be a big help. And online coaching means you won’t ever see these folks in real life, which can be nice. Don’t suffer, get help! Image Credit: © Richelle | stock.adobe.comShop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links pageWe’re donation supported Thanks for your help!This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.The post Christian Sex Coaching: Finding Help for Sexual Problems first appeared on The Generous Husband.