The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast

This week my colleague, Lindsey Ellison is joining me to talk all about how to co-parent with a narcissist. She is the author of the book, MAGIC Words: How To Get What You Want From a Narcissist. If you have an ex who's a narcissist, you've probably read every book out there about communicating with one. And the advice always given is, go no contact. But for those of us who have to actually co-parent with a narcissist, that's not an option. So what do you do if you have to continue to have a relationship with someone with whom you've struggled to have a relationship for, like, ever?In this episode, Lindsey and I discuss her step-by-step formula for creating a communication plan and script of empowering magic words that can help neutralize the power struggle that you have when you are co-parenting with a narcissist. She details exactly what to do, how to do it, and why it works. After you listen to this episode (and maybe even grab her book) you'll be armed with information you can use to engage with your narcissistic ex with confidence and authenticity. Show Highlights Lindsey's divorce story, how we're divorce twins and when she realized she was married to a narcissist (4:00) What drove Lindsey to write a book about narcissism (7:27) No contact messaging and why it's confusing (10:12) Act as though every engagement with your narcissistic ex as if it were a business transaction (11:09) Realizing you are the CEO of your life, the captain of your ship and in charge (12:53) Lindsey's book and the MAGIC formula for getting what you want from a narcissist (17:45) You can have guarded compassion and boundaries with empathy (24:04) Assessing their fears and mapping their persona; and why doing so is in service to your children (27:06) The importance of identifying goals in every engagement you have (28:17) Narcissists and mom issues and how nurturing phrases can help with communication (31:03) Providing your children with the tools to empower them and help them communicate with a narcissistic parent, without labeling the parent as one (to your children) (46:33) Breaking the cycle of narcissism (45:53) Learn More About Lindsey: Lindsey Ellison is a relationship coach and founder of Start Over Coaching, Inc. She helps people navigate their divorce or break-up and also helps people break free from narcissistic abuse. Her newest book, MAGIC Words: How to Get What You Want from a Narcissist, offers a step-by-step formula on how to create a communication plan, and provides a script of empowering "magic" words that can neutralize the power struggle. Links: Lindsey on Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/ThriveWithLindsey/?ref=bookmarks Lindsey on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/startovercoach Lindsey on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDQRnkwWkOxZcTNbSEx_q8w Her book, MAGIC Words: How To Get What You Want From a Narcissist: https://amzn.to/2WfARDF Start Over and Find Happiness Podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/start-over-find-happiness/id1074313116?mt=2 Should I Stay or Should I Go Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/shouldistayorshouldigo/

This week I'm thrilled to introduce you to Tracey Coates. Tracey has been practicing family law for over 15 years. She is also the host of the podcast, The Divorce Chronicles, a practical resource for those thinking about or in the midst of a divorce. That last part, it sounds familiar, doesn't it? Yes, Tracey and I have a lot of similar ideas about the divorce process, which is just one of the many reasons I wanted to have her on the show. In this episode you'll hear us cover a wide range of topics including the emotional, financial, and legal aspects of divorce. We also talk about the importance of setting the tone for divorce proceedings and keeping your children's wellbeing in check, always. We also drop a few reality checks, like how divorce is never a cookie cutter process. Finally, we wrap things up by talking about how to start a discussion with your spouse about wanting a divorce. All of that and more, in this week's episode. Show Highlights Setting the tone for divorce proceedings, especially if you are the one handling most of the process and paperwork (10:36) Divorce is a dissolution of a legal contract (your marriage) and managing people throughout the process (11:32) Divorce is not a cookie cutter process - legally or emotionally (13:00) Legal proceedings, what to do and not to do, plus looking forward to your day in court (is it really all you think it will be cracked up to be?) (14:36) Collaborative divorce is NOT the cheaper way to get divorced (24:13) DIY Divorces, what you need to know and why they may not be the best approach (25:36) Budgeting for the end of marriage, including housing, utilities and more (31:07) Navigating your emotions during divorce and beyond (34:02) How to approach the discussion with your spouse about wanting a divorce (36:20) Learn More About Tracey: Tracey Coates is a partner at the law firm of Paley Rothman in Bethesda, Maryland. She also serves as the Co-Chair of the Family Law department and a member of its Litigation practice group. In addition to being a trained mediator, Tracey volunteers and is a member of the Board of Directors for the D.C. Volunteer Lawyers Project (DCVLP), an organization whose mission is to provide high-quality, free legal services to low-income D.C. residents in family law cases. She provides pro bono legal representation, doing custody, divorce and guardian ad litem work for survivors of domestic violence and children in high-conflict custody cases. Tracey is also the host of the podcast, The Divorce Chronicles, a practical resource for those thinking about or in the midst of a divorce. Links:Tracey's website: www.thedivorcechronicles.com Tracey on Instagram: instagram.com/thedivorcechronicles Tracey on Facebook: The Divorce Chronicles For those in the MD/DC area looking for legal advice/representation -- [email protected] or (301) 968-3418 (Tracey's assistant) The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast - Divorce Financial MistakesMy new program just for men is going into beta on April 1st - Sign up for details!

Today I have a very special guest on the podcast. Well, I feel like all of my guests are very special. I rarely have anyone on my podcast that I don't know well, either personally or professionally. It's important to me to bring to you people I know, trust and believe in their message - today is no exception. It is my pleasure to introduce you to Annie Grace, creator and founder of This Naked Mind. I came to know Annie about five months ago when I found myself questioning my relationship with alcohol. You see, I never drank in my marriage. My ex-husband didn't drink, so it was never really part of our life together. After my divorce, drinking was one of the first things I turned to and over the years my drinking increased, pretty steadily. About five years ago I first began questioning my relationship with alcohol and checked out a bunch of different AA meetings. I realized pretty quickly that AA wasn't for me. I just didn't relate to the stories I heard in AA, and my sober friends and I deemed me, "Not an alcoholic." At that point I figured I didn't really have a problem, so I continued on my way. Fast forward to five months ago (about five years after my experience with AA and yes, I was still drinking in excess), I started reading Annie's book, This Naked Mind. As soon as I started reading her book, I quit drinking. Why? Her book helped me to understand why I felt the way I did, why I was depressed and why I kept turning to alcohol to get through, well, anything. It was a very eye-opening experience. Of course, I started following Annie's work religiously and even joined some of her programs. Her work has changed my life in a huge way. And now, she's here on the podcast! In this episode we talk about the prevalence of drinking in divorce and in mom-culture at large. Plus, we talk about the science behind alcohol use and and its effects on your brain, how your children may be viewing you when you are drunk (and the effect it has on them), as well as navigating your feelings once you've quit drinking. When you start to learn about becoming alcohol free (or, AF), you realize it's less about deprivation and instead about wanting more for your life. Show Highlights Annie describes what This Naked Mind and The Alcohol Experiment are all about - "We've completely coupled and married alcohol with all the pleasant experiences in our lives. It's really hard to tell if it's the alcohol that is fun or if we would be having fun anyway." (7:49) When the label "alcoholic" feels unrelatable to someone who drinks, it can lead them to feel like they are "off the hook" with their drinking (13:24) The stigma around saying, "I think I drink too much," and how people assume, when you say that phrase, that you're an alcoholic (16:18) The truth about alcohol as a substance: it's addictive no matter who you are, and it's an anesthetic (17:20) Alcohol is more addictive when the body and the brain are stressed (18:55) Some real-life examples of how major life transitions can lead to a relationship with alcohol that is not comfortable - becoming a "gray-area drinker" (20:15) Alcohol and depression - the science behind alcohol use and your brain (25:25) How to navigate the wave of emotions that come after you've quit drinking (35:02) The importance of becoming unafraid of silence - "If we can be in silence with ourselves, even if it hurts, so often we discover some really beautiful truths. Alcohol numbs that entire experience and the ability to really get to know and love yourself." (40:05) An important distinction between sadness and depression - they are not the same thing (42:51) Mommy juice messaging: the messages aimed at women about alcohol and wine (45:43) The lowdown on all the studies that say alcohol is good for us (53:28) REGISTRATION FOR MY SIGNATURE GROUP COACHING PROGRAM IS OPEN! Should I Stay or Should I Go? THE 12-WEEK GROUP COACHING PROGRAM THAT WILL HELP YOU MAKE THE BEST DECISION ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE…ONCE AND FOR ALL! MORE INFO HERE Learn More About Annie Grace: Annie Grace grew up in a one-room log cabin without running water or electricity outside of Aspen, Colorado. She discovered a passion for marketing and after graduating with a Masters of Science (Marketing) she dove into corporate life. At the age of 26, Annie was the youngest vice president in a multinational company, and her drinking career began in earnest. At 35, in a global C-level marketing role, she was responsible for marketing in 28 countries and drinking almost two bottles of wine a night. Knowing she needed a change but unwilling to submit to a life of deprivation and stigma, Annie set out to find a painless way to regain control. Annie no longer drinks and has never been happier. She left her executive role to write her first book, This Naked Mind and share This Naked Mind with the world. In her free time, Annie loves to ski, travel (26 countries and counting), and enjoy her beautiful family. Annie lives with her husband, two sons, and daughter

This week's guest is Silvy Khoucasian. She is a Relationship Coach who specializes in attachment styles as well as creating healthy boundaries. I invited her onto my podcast with the hope of having a rich conversation about attachment styles. Oh and we absolutely did have a rich and amazing conversation! If you are thinking, "Alright, Kate, what's up with attachment styles and why are they important?" Well, our attachment styles are deeply rooted and can have a dramatic impact on the way we relate to someone as an adult. Yes, it always goes back to relationships, doesn't it? Speaking of relationships… do you find yourself feeling triggered by your partner? Do you then project past hurts onto them (or maybe it's the other way around)? If so, learning your attachment style and that of your partner can help you understand why you both react in certain ways (and what you can do about it). Silvy also takes us through the three different attachment styles and explains why they matter. Plus, we talk about why owning our needs is so important, including creating healthy boundaries, and what role family culture plays in attachment styles. Attachment styles can make or break a relationship without awareness of them. So let's become aware. Show Highlights The main framework for attachment styles and the three primary styles (06:25) How attachment styles manifest later in life, what they have to do with our current relationships and why attachment styles even matter (8:18) Why we tend to choose partners that trigger us and what we can do about it (13:34) Making sense of our story, allowing ourselves to grieve pain, neglect, and abandonment we experienced as a child (14:12) How to you figure out your attachment style (16:19) The importance of getting curious about your partner's attachment style and validating him/her for their attachment style (21:34) Why owning what we need is so important (23:53) Understanding attachment styles help us create healthy relationships, plus having empathy for their opposite style (30:40) Modeling vulnerability opens up more influence with your partner (33:36) The importance of having your partner show up in the work with you (38:10) Starting the conversation about boundaries (38:39) How family culture influences our attachment styles (49:52) What avoidant or anxious attachers struggle with the most (57:07) Learn More About Silvy: Silvy has a long-running love affair with helping struggling couples create genuine connection. She has a Master's Degree in Psychology (Marriage & Family Therapy) and a bachelors in Sociology. Growing up in the USA as a young immigrant from the Middle East, Silvy has always been fascinated by the critical role family cultures play in intimate relationships. She specializes in her work with attachment styles as well as creating healthy boundaries. Silvy also has a background in theatrical arts, which allows her to use art & drama therapy in helping clients reclaim lost or suppressed parts of themselves. Links: Silvy's website: http://www.silvykhoucasian.com/ Follow Silvy on Instagram for some free, daily relationship advice: https://www.instagram.com/silvykhoucasian/ Grab her Practical Communication Program, here: bit.ly/PracticalCommunication Attachment Style Test recommended by Silvy:http://secureinlove.com/my-love-style-quiz/

This week I am so excited to introduce you to Cynthia Loy Darst. Cynthia is a Co-Active Coach, relationship worker and keynote speaker. She is also the author of the book, Meet Your Inside Team: How to Turn Internal Conflict into Clarity and Move Forward with Your Life. Cynthia holds a very special place in my heart. She was my first coach and mentor when I began my own coaching journey. The entire foundation for what I do today, I owe to her. Having her on my podcast is such a special treat. So do you ever have that inner voice that says, "Who the hell do you think you are?," when you are about to make a massive change (like say... divorce)? It's a nasty voice, one you don't want to hear. Well in this episode Cynthia teaches us how to turn towards that inner voice ( which she calls the inner bully) and ask it, with compassion, "What do you need? What's going on here?" She teaches us how to slow down our inner dialogue and start to find our way forward with kindness, clarity, and grace. In addition we talk about navigating myth change (moving from one phase of life to the next), transitioning relationships and grieving the disappointed dream. This week's episode is definitely one that asks you to look inward and do the work to uncover the many aspects of yourself. Show Highlights The concept of her new book, Meet Your Inside Team and the importance of slowing down your inner dialogue (10:21) Tuning into the players that make up your inside team (aka inner dialogue) (13:34) Knowing when to slow down and listen to your inside team (15:26) Grounding yourself in your adult self and listening without getting freaked out (22:27) Cynthia shares some examples of exercises you can find in the book Meet Your Inside Team that will help uncover your different inside team players (27:30) Being curious and the importance of curiosity for each player (28:54) How to stay in an objective frame in mind when you are scared or triggered (29:58) Honoring the process of divorce (42:20) Transitioning relationships and myth change; when we change a narrative there is something we gain and something we lose (44:11) The disappointed dream: mourning the loss of the dream and myth change (49:35) Any large transition like divorce requires a lot of patience (55:22) Learn More About Cynthia: Cynthia Loy Darst is a Co-Active Coach, a relationship worker, keynote speaker, author, provocateur (emcee), course leader, coach trainer, talent scout, leader developer & trainer, team and large group facilitator, business consultant, media guest, and workshop creator. She has been a Front of the Room Leader for CTI (The Coaches Training Institute) and CRR Global, since each of them began, and has played an active role in leader development for both schools. Whether she is working with individuals, partnerships, leaders or teams, she is always focused on awareness, growth, and development. Cynthia works with people from all walks of life: CEOs to chiropractors, singers to Silicon Valley pros, teams that produce documentaries to sales teams in the insurance industry. She loves to explore their unique strengths and challenges and work with them to become ever more effective in their work and their world. Links: Cynthia's website: TeamDarst.comCynthia on social media: Facebook, LinkedIn, and TwitterTeam Darst on social media: FacebookCynthia's TEDx Talk: Safe Inside Yourself Meet Your Inside Team: How to Turn Internal Conflict into Clarity and Move Forward with Your Life ---------- REGISTRATION FOR MY SIGNATURE GROUP COACHING PROGRAM IS OPEN! Should I Stay or Should I Go? THE 12-WEEK GROUP COACHING PROGRAM THAT WILL HELP YOU MAKE THE BEST DECISION ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE…ONCE AND FOR ALL! LEARN MORE --> https://www.kateanthony.com/stay-or-go-group

I am so excited to share with you my guest interview with Isabel Foxen Duke. I have to admit to being a little bit of a fangirl of Isabel and her work. I have struggled through a lot of the stuff that Isabel is so brilliant with working with women on like weight-cycling, food issues, and emotional eating. She helps women stop feeling crazy around food. So, are you always on the diet wagon or waaaay the f**k off it? I myself have zero neural pathways around healthy thinking or belief systems as far as food goes. Sure, I've learned a few things through therapy and from doing the work, but I still am really early in my own weight recovery journey. I can guess that many of my listeners are in a similar boat. And that's why I invited Isabel to the show. She shares her expertise on letting go of the struggle with food and also offers great insight on weight recovery and its effect on relationship dynamics. Show Highlights Isabel shares openly about her experience with diet culture starting at the age of 3 years old (yes, you read that correctly - she was put on a diet at the age of 3) (5:42 seconds) Letting go of the struggle and how Isabel came to the work she is doing now (21:22) Surrendering to 'bottoming out' and understanding that eating a cookie when you are sad is a-okay (28:55) The delusion of control and how recovery is the process of surrendering over and over again (29:27) What surrendering actually looks and feels like (32:00) Weight restoration, understanding that gaining weight when you stop dieting is completely healthy and recovering from post-diet trauma (33:31) Shame over clothing sizes, body image issues and cutting through your own B.S. rationalizations (45:19) Healthy weight gain post-recovery, its effect on relationships, and being with someone who does not support your recovery (47:20) Dealing with family and friends who you can't divorce and do not understand your weight recovery journey (1:03:20) Learn More About Isabel: Isabel Foxen Duke is the Creator of Stop Fighting Food — a free video training program for women who want to "stop feeling crazy around food." After years of trying to overcome emotional eating, binge-eating and chronic weight-cycling through "traditional" and alternative approaches, Isabel discovered some radical new ways to get women over their "food issues" once and for all — not just by shifting the mindsets of individuals, but by challenging the dominant diet culture as a whole. Her writing and free guide, How To Not Eat Cake, can be found at isabelfoxenduke.com and you can watch her free video training series at stopfightingfood.com. Links: Isabel's websites: http://stopfightingfood.com and http://isabelfoxenduke.com Be sure to check out Isabel's Free Video Training Series, Stop Fighting Food ********* I mentioned in the intro that I have a new webinar coming up: Should You Stay In Your Marriage For Your Kids: Three Truths Revealed. Here's the link to sign up for that!

This week I welcome back returning guest and friend, Quentin Hafner. You may have first heard Quentin in the episode, Should I Stay or Should I Go, which is my most downloaded episode to date! So, since he is such a likeable guy (and a serious rockstar therapist), I thought it would be great to have him back.I often get emails from men who don't know where to turn after being told by their wife that they want a divorce. And, you know what, sometimes I don't really know what to tell them. But I do want to help them. So Quentin joins me to talk about some things men can do (or mindsets to adopt) that may help them save their marriage. Show Highlights Evaluating whether or not there is something you can do to keep your marriage together; aka determining if the "door" truly is closed (8 minutes and 15 seconds) Some reasons a husband may resist fighting for his marriage (10:55) Quentin shares why going through his own divorce was one of the best thing that happened to him (14:12) We learn incredible life lessons through pain; and sometimes there is no way to get through to a partner other than devastation (14:52) Take the early warning signs, seriously (16:39} When your wife asks you to go to therapy with her, go because she may not ask again (18:03) There is a right way and a wrong way to fight for your marriage (20:20) Be willing to work through issues, to change, and to ask for help (23:07) There is nothing more lonely than the feeling of loneliness in a marriage (34:13) Most men are conflict avoidant and why knowing that can help women bring their partner closer to them rather than push them away (36:07) Women need to feel safe and secure before engaging sexually, it is in their DNA (40:42) Quentin shares a little bit about his book, The Black Belt Husband (42:46) Learn More About Quentin: Quentin Hafner is not your ordinary therapist. He works tirelessly to help husbands and wives in relationships to feel massively more content, greater levels of peace, and overall more satisfied to be together than ever before. Quentin helps those struggling with: A marriage on shaky ground and you can't seem to stop fighting. Issues of infidelity or feeling suspicious of trusting your partner. Feeling stagnant or that your marriage is stuck in a rut. Not sure if you should stay together, or end your relationship. As a licensed therapist, Quentin combines his experience, education, and proven results with real-world practical guidance, easy-to-implement tools, and measurable solutions to help people reach their goals and dreams. Quentin is currently launching a month-to-month group coaching program for husbands in which he'll walk men through the Black Belt Husband system, month by month. More info here. Links: Quentin's website: http://quentinhafner.com The Black Belt Husband - the book! Get Her Back freebie Links to Quentin's social channels: https://www.facebook.com/QuentinHafnerTherapy https://www.instagram.com/quentin_hafner

I always love talking to professionals who have been through the process of divorce. So I'm really happy today to have Christina Lynn, of Lynn Financial, join me on the podcast. Christina was a stay-at-home mom until she got divorced. After her divorce, she re-invented herself and went from having nothing to creating a thriving financial practice. She and I have a really great conversation today about some of the biggest financial mistakes that people tend to make when getting divorced. Christina has some really good advice and tips to offer you. She also has a really great story to tell, so listen in! Christina used to be oblivious to her family finances. After reaching her lowest point while unraveling a really complex divorce, however, she decided to invest in educating herself so that she could become the person she needed to be for herself and her kids. She chose to specialize in divorce financial planning. And this changed her life completely. She became a financial consultant, Certified Estate Planner®, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst®, tax preparer, and retirement planner. The mistakes Christina made in the past now inform and have been translated into solutions for her customers at Lynn Financial. Listen in today to find out what Christina has to share with you about divorce and money. Show Highlights: When Christina filed for divorce, she did pretty much everything wrong. She wanted other people to learn from her experience and from the mistakes she's made. Christina's experience of custody issues. Some mistakes she made at the time of her divorce. Giving dads the space to figure things out for themselves. Being objective about a father's parenting capabilities. Finding your second career later in life — like a phoenix rising from the ashes! Some common financial mistakes women tend to make when getting divorced. Collaborative divorce as an alternative — and it can save you a lot of money too! Christina gives her best financial tip. Employing a team of professionals could cost you less than only relying on your attorney. Some tips for protecting your kids through the divorce process. Christina explains the way that she helps people through the process of divorce. Links: Christina's website: www.lynnfinancialllc.com Christina's email: [email protected] Links to all Christina's social channels: https://www.facebook.com/lynnfinancial/ https://www.instagram.com/lynnfinancial/ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4S9-c9ngRYtjgiaf-j_1LQ https://twitter.com/LynnFinancial?lang=en https://www.linkedin.com/in/christina-lynn-365633a0/ For Christina's promotional offer for the educational course, she offers for individuals facing divorce, to help protect their credit and avoid common financial pitfalls. https://lynnfinancialllc.com/overcomer-course-49-promotion/. For listeners, she has reduced the price from $99 to $49.

I am really happy to welcome Robert Kandell as today's guest. Rob has authored a book, called unHIDDEN - A Book for Men and Those Who Are Confused By Them, that will be available very soon. In the meantime, you can download a sample chapter on his website. I did, and something that really struck me about it was the idea of 'coming out'. On the show today Rob explains how you can bridge the communication gap between men and women and really up-level the conversation. He also explains what it is to live an unhidden life and specifically what that means to him. So listen in and find out what Rob has to share about his revolutionary idea of living life unhidden. Rob, who is also an accomplished teacher, coach, and lecturer, has done a lot of different things. He worked in corporate America, started a business, and owned a small computer shop before going on to build an international eight-figure business based on relationship, intimacy, and sexuality. Rob currently runs a successful consulting firm that is focused on helping small businesses become marketable and profitable. For the last fourteen years, Rob's mission has been to help men find themselves and use their internal power to live their best lives. Rob is the host of the well-known podcast, Tuff Love. Listen in today to find out how it's possible for you to have a life way beyond the life you're living now! Show Highlights: Robert gives a rundown of what it means to live an unhidden life. Why you really need to be smart about the way you live your unhidden life. Robert's recommendation for how to live an unhidden life. Your whole life can grow on one decision to change your status quo. The story of how one honest conversation with his wife in 1998 changed his whole life. Creating a conversation path for the truth to be told- and rewarded. Opening One Taste, an organization about relationship intimacy and sexuality. How to bridge the communication gap between men and women and up-level the conversation. How to know when it's time to change. Taking 100% responsibility in your communication. A different approach to relationship. The difference between the masculine and the feminine in communication. What a guy can do to get back into a woman's good graces. 6000 years of habits and 50 years of epic change for men. We're seeing an epic change in terms of what masculinity used to be, and what it is now. Resources: Recommended books: Angry White Men: American Masculinity at the End of an Era by Michael Kimmel End of Men: And the Rise of Women by Hanna Rosin Man, Interrupted: Why Young Men are Struggling & What We Can Do About It by Philip Zimbardo Website & Social Media Links: Website: https://www.robertkandell.com Email: [email protected] Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kandellconsulting / https://www.facebook.com/robert.kandell Twitter: https://twitter.com/Robertkandell @Robertkandell Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/robert.kandell/ @robert.kandell Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/robertkandell/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCA4BLzufNXxgKGUsLVDTnlQ Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/robertkandell/pins/

I'm super excited to bring you my latest podcast episode with my dear friend Andrea Owen of Your Kick-Ass Life. I've been a guest on Andrea's podcast quite a number of times now, so I feel honored to finally have her on mine! Andrea and I have spoken many times privately over the years about the grief that goes along with divorce, most importantly the unexpected grief of losing precious extended family. For both Andrea and me, our in-laws were very much like a family we'd never had, and we were both completely taken by surprise by how much losing them in our divorces ripped us apart. (Spoiler, the fact that I have a kid has helped me stay connected to my in-laws, while not having kids with her first husband gave no reason for Andrea to stay connected to hers.) Andrea is a life coach, an author, and a hell-raiser, with a passion for empowering women to value themselves and to fiercely love who they are. She helps high-achieving women to let go of perfectionism, control, and isolation- and choose courage and confidence instead. Listen in today to hear what Andrea has to share with you about dealing with the difficult emotions that result from going through a divorce. Show Highlights: Andrea shares her divorce story. Coping with the grief of losing a dream — and a family. The idea of conscious uncoupling was not yet on the table when Andrea and I got divorced and that impacted both of our experiences. Most of us don't want to deal with grief so it follows us everywhere and becomes a weight on our shoulders. The importance of communicating through transitions — including with your in-laws. The importance of setting and holding really firm boundaries throughout your divorce with all the various people in your life and family. Coping with guilt and shame. Taking responsibility for your mistakes can help prevent creating negative patterns in future relationships. We talk about how 12-step work has helped both of us, and how learning about our character defects has been really helpful to our growth. Andrea, who is certified in the work of Brené Brown, teaches Shame Resilience. Resources: "The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving." Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Links: Andrea's website: www.yourkickasslife.com Andrea's podcast: http://yourkickasslife.com/blog/ Kate's episodes on Andrea's podcast: An Honest Conversation about Body Image with Kate Anthony An Honest Conversation about Body Image with Kate Anthony, Part Deux Andrea and Kate on Rape Culture Andrea and Kate on Rape Culture, Part Deux

The hits just keep on going, don't they? I'm recording this show a few days after the shooting in the synagogue in Pittsburgh. I'm realizing that by the time this show airs, we will have probably been hit by even more atrocities. This is relevant to today's show because I will be discussing trusting your intuition; trusting your gut, and knowing where to find that. I've never specifically identified as Jewish, but I am. I'm half Jewish. Part of the reason I never identified as Jewish is because, at a very young age, I was told I wasn't really Jewish because my mother wasn't Jewish. I learned this partly because I dated a boy at the age of 14 and his parents sent him to Israel for the summer to get him away from me. To be fair, his family members were Orthodox Jews. As many of you know, I am an empath and I am really trying to tap into my intuition, which is linked to my empathy. After the synagogue shooting, I shut down. I actually slept for 10 hours straight, and on Sunday, I was dead to the world. I could hardly function because I was so exhausted. I asked myself in my innermost knowing why I was being so deeply affected by the shooting. The answer I heard was that even though I don't normally identify as Jewish, there was a generational trauma I was experiencing. I looked at the pictures of my Jewish relatives on my wall and thought about my great-grandfather studying the Torah, and about my Russian grandmother who escaped on a refugee ship. The idea that none of this lives in my DNA is silly. I was able to tap into my family history so I could mourn and grieve. Show highlights: Kate shares how the rise of anti-semitism in our country is negatively affecting her personally. Rhian Lockard's class, Divine Communication, is helping Kate to tap into her inner guide, or "inside team." Kate says to reach down deeply inside yourself to answer difficult questions. Ie. Should I leave my relationship, or should I stay? Call in your guides, and ask them the question. What is the first thing that bubbles? That will be your answer. Listen to the part of you that bubbles up. Kate says that when you ask yourself the difficult or scary questions, they will be the most important questions/decisions you will ever make. Hear the bubble pop and just listen. That's how you connect to your inner guides. Trust yourself and trust your inner voices. Connect with Divorce Survival Guide Website Facebook Instagram Watch for Kate's new class coming in 2019. You can sign up now to be one of the first people to find out when it begins. Sign up here.

On the show today, I am thrilled to be joined by my great friend and colleague, Rhian Lockard. Rhian Lockard is a multi-certified life coach, an empath, an ordained interfaith minister, a certified life coach, and an expert on emotional abuse. She currently runs a program called Divine Communication, in which I am enrolled, and it helps you connect with your spirit guide, your intuition, and so much more. Rhian seeks to support people in courageously cultivating their best lives with gentleness, guidance, and love, and feels a calling to her work. Show highlights: Rhian discusses how you can recognize if you're enduring emotional abuse including having a sense of never feeling like things are ok in your relationship. Rhian says one way to judge whether or not a relationship is abusive is to ask yourself if it feels safe to bring up problems you see in the relationship and to be aware that an abuser will seldom admit any fault or will not follow through on working on solutions. Emotional abusers will use your vulnerability against you and will shame you for the ways in which you're asking them to uplift you. Rhian says an abuser wants something different from a romantic relationship than the victim does. An average person wants true connection, true intimacy, and love. Abusers seek someone to be subservient. Emotional abusers may make you feel like you can't spend time with family and friends you love.They want to isolate you from voices of reason. Rhian says that often times, your abuser will strip away your own sense of belief in yourself and make you not trust your own reality. Kate shares that it can be incredibly difficult to leave an abusive relationship and that it often takes someone 8 tries to leave. Kate and Rhian discuss the Kavanaugh hearings and show the dynamics of emotional abuse during them. Rhian suggests to break away incrementally because it may just be too much for you to handle all at once. Tell yourself that you're being emotionally abused, sit with it a while, and tell yourself it is not ok. Rhian says there is no playbook for how you handle this, it's just about what works for you. Kate shares that the very last thing you should do is to go to your abuser and tell him/her that you've figured out they're an abuser. Rhian tells us that your abuser wants all of what you have to give and they do not want you to give it to anyone else. Rhian suggests that if you're serious about getting help, then get help. Don't tell your abuser you're getting help or he/she will dismantle it. Remember...it's not your fault that you're in an abusive situation, but it is your responsibility to save yourself. Seek assistance. Connect with Rhian Lockard: Website Rhian on YouTube Facebook Instagram Am I the Abuser? A video in which Rhian tackles the idea that people have made mistakes in their relationships and therefore feel like they deserve abuse — or worse, might be abusers themselves. Connect with Divorce Survival Guide Website Facebook Instagram To find out more about how I work with clients, click here. To take the two-minute Should I Stay or Should I Go quiz, click here.

In this episode I interview psychologist, author, and speaker, Dr. Valerie Baker who pioneers healing Patriarchy Stress Disorder™ (PSD)--the trauma of 1000s of years of oppression imprinted in women's DNA. Dr. Valerie calls PSD the invisible inner prison that keeps women from experiencing their ultimate success and happiness. In over 20,000 hours of her work as a therapist and coach to successful women, Dr. Valerie has guided thousands of women's PSD jailbreaks. She helps high-achieving women who're sick and tired of sacrificing their health, sanity, and love lives to heal PSD so they can finally marry their professional and personal success and happiness--and fully enjoy it. ********** Discover how Patriarchy Stress Disorder™ (PSD) is affecting you: www.psdandme.com Ready for your PSD jailbreak? Apply for a complementary session with Dr. Valerie Baker to create your jailbreak plan: www.jailbreakstrategy.com Looking for another awesome podcast? Subscribe to Her Success Radio on any podcast app or at www.hersuccessradio.com Find Dr. Valerie on social media: Facebook Instagram

This week I bring on a Divorce Coach who specializes in the legal aspects of divorce. Jason Levoy is a former divorce attorney turned divorce coach who helps people navigate the divorce process from an attorney's point of view. He works with both people who have attorneys and those who don't. He is the creator of the most comprehensive online divorce coaching resource on the internet, DivorceU. You can learn more about Jason at www.jasonlevoy.com. We talk about: The pitfalls of the legal system How to choose the right attorney Whether or not you actually need an attorney for your divorce Divorce as a business transaction and how it doesn't mix with emotions The movie Divorce Corp ...and more!! Jason's special gift to you: How to Co-Parent with an A-Hole! ******************* Where to find Jason: www.jasonlevoy.com Facebook Instagram Twitter LinkedIn Pinterest

In this episode, I discuss the top reasons marriage end, and break down what I believe are deal-breakers in each category: Infidelity Addiction Lack of support Communication issues Money problems Lack of individual identity Unrealistic expectations I also tell you about my wine-tasting vacation with my mom, and how my ex-husband helped me get a brand new $3,000 mattress FOR FREE!!! ********************** Mentioned in this episode: Al-Anon Family Groups How to ask directly for what you need around the house (plus scientific proof we do more work) If you think you're doing more in the house, and your husband says he's doing enough, use this Chore Audit to find out once and for all. Book a consult with me. ($50 non-refundable fee applies)

In this solo episode, I talk about coming out of a pretty dark depression, and then move on to how taking personal responsibility can be the most empowering thing you can do for yourself, your marriage, and your divorce. I tell the story of when I was in nursery school and was told to apologize and literally couldn't, do a pretty amazing impression of my mom, and tell a really personal story about what having been molested as a child taught me about personal responsibility and growth. Mentioned in this episode: The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron The Madwoman in the Volvo: My Year of Raging Hormones by Sandra Tsing Loh

My guest this week is Quentin Hafner. Quentin is a Marriage and Family Therapist who works with couples and men in his private practice in Orange County, CA. In this episode Quentin and I dissect the biggest question of all: Should I Stay or Should I Go In the course of this conversation we cover: Quentin's 6 non-negotiables in a relationship and what they should really mean for you. Quentin's view of the 3 most common reasons people leave marriages—and if they're actually good enough reasons to leave. My view of the 3 most common reasons people leave marriages and—if they're actually good enough reason to leave. Why the fact that 68% of second marriages fail and 73% of third marriages fail really matters to the choice ahead of you right now. Why 69% of marriages are ended by women, and what men can do to not be a casualty of that. And MUCH more!! ******************* Quentin Hafner is not your ordinary therapist. He works tirelessly to help husbands and wives in relationships to feel massively more content, greater levels of peace, and overall more satisfied to be together than ever before. If you're struggling with: – A marriage on shaky ground and you can't seem to stop fighting. – Issues of infidelity or feeling suspicious of trusting your partner. – Feeling stagnant or that your marriage is stuck in a rut. – Not sure if you should stay together, or end your relationship. As a licensed therapist, Quentin combines his experience, education, and proven results with real-world practical guidance, easy-to-implement tools, and measurable solutions to help people reach their goals and dreams. Website Facebook Instagram

This week on the podcast, I interview Jessa Zimmerman, a licensed sex therapist and couples' counselor. Jessa specializes in helping couples who have a good relationship but who are avoiding sex because it's become stressful, negative, disappointing, or pressured. We had a great chat about whether or not an unfulfilling sex life is reason enough to end a marriage, and how to jumpstart it without it being too fucking awkward. We also talk about mis-matched libidos, the sexual avoidance cycle, porn and so much more! Needless to say, it's a juicy one! ******************** About Jessa: Jessa is a licensed sex therapist and couples' counselor. She specializes in helping couples who have a good relationship but who are avoiding sex because it's become stressful, negative, disappointing, or pressured. Jessa educates, coaches, and supports people as they go through her 9-phase experiential process that allows them real world practice in changing their relationship and their sex life. She does this work through in person therapy in her office in Seattle, online therapy for Washington residents, her Better Sex podcast, and her soon to be published book, Sex Without Stress. www.jessazimmerman.com www.bettersexpodcast.com www.sexhealthquiz.com Facebook group: www.seattlecouplescounselor.com/community Mentioned in this episode: David Schnarch – Passionate Marriage Esther Perel – Mating in Captivity

I brought my friend Deb Cooperman on to talk about what she calls her blended, extended upended family. When Deb met her ex husband, he had a one-year-old son, and in this episode she talks about the experience of co-parenting as a step-mom, and how her relationship with her ex, her step-son and his mom evolved over the course of their marriage, through their divorce, and beyond... Deb's story is one of what's possible when three or more people really do some hard work on themselves in order to get through the harder feelings and into acceptance, and even love. About Deb: Deb Cooperman is something of a "writing evangelist" – as a workshop leader, and founder of The Writer Babes, she's been inspiring and encouraging women to use the powerful but simple practice of writing for personal growth for over 15 years. That's because writing is the best tool she's found to help women stop the all-too-common knee-jerk habit of apologizing for nearly everything in their lives; to bust through perceived imperfections and 'not good enough's; recognize the messages and expectations they've internalized; shine a light on blind-spots, and help them claim their wisdom, strength, power, and intuition, and live more mindfully, intentionally, and awesomely. So if you've watched a boatload of TED talks and Super Soul Sunday episodes, read a ton of self-help books, followed a bunch of inspirational coaches on Instagram, and listened to podcast after podcast after podcast ... but you're still feeling like something's missing – that the dots just aren't connecting – Deb wants you to know that writing is an amazing tool to help you dig in to your experience, discover more of yourself on the page, and take a stand for a life you want to live. For inspiration, tools, stories, pop culture references, poetry interludes, and all sorts of fabulosity to inspire and help you start your own writing practice or deepen your existing practice find Deb in these places: Website Instagram Facebook

In this episode, I interview Lyena Strelkoff. Lyena is a transformation coach, storyteller, and speaker passionately dedicated to advancing the way humans respond to change, challenge, and adversity. A lifelong dancer paralyzed in a hiking accident, Lyena's entire life was elevated, not in spite of paralysis but because of it. Lyena is the creator of The Shero's Way™, a modern, feminized approach to adversity that turns challenges into catalysts that catapult us upward. Lyena isn't divorced, although she does tell us the story of how her parents' divorce affected her. But I want you to listen to her story from the perspective of transformation. Listen for how Lyena transforms what could have been — should have been — the worst experience almost anyone can imagine into something full of grace and opportunity. And listen till the end where we discuss how this does NOT mean not acknowledging pain and suffering, but rather embracing all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

This episode is about holding strong boundaries when telling your spouse that you want a divorce. I lay out how I work with clients to prepare for this really difficult conversation, how not to allow your spouse to hijack and control the narrative, and how to not take responsibility for things you know aren't yours, even when your ex insists they are. In the intro, I talk about Mother's Day. How they've been in the past, and how it was this year. Hint: I spent it with my ex and his wife... and it was truly LOVELY.

This episode is all about permission. It's about how women seem to evolve in middle-age and how we seem to be outgrowing our marriages at alarming rates, and how to know if that's ok or not. In the last few weeks as I've been speaking with clients there's a recurring theme that keeps coming up. I keep hearing women say that their husband is a really nice guy, he's a great dad, a great provider, they list their husband's great qualities and then berate themselves for their own misery and usually end up in a wail of "why can't i just be happy?" And often it's because they've changed over the course of time. You are allowed to change. You are allowed to grow. And you are allowed to choose to leave your marriage. If you've done all the work you can, if you've been to therapy, if you've asked your husband to go to therapy with you, if you've been bending yourself into a pretzel for the last ten years trying to take all the responsibility for all the things because you've been taught in 12-step rooms, in personal development programs, in therapy that you are responsible for your happiness, and you can create any relationship you want, but it's still not fucking working, your marriage, at this point in time, may be unworkable. And that's ok. And the thing that can be hard for us to wrap our minds around is that no one has to be at fault. No one has to be wrong. When something isn't workable, it's often no one's fault.

Someone submitted this anonymous question to my website: My son often asks for his daddy. I don't know what to say to him. It breaks my heart because I've done everything I can to bridge the gap and encourage his father to be a part of his life. But he's totally absent. Only visits maybe 20hrs a month sometimes less. Can you give me any advice on what to say to my son about where his father is? Why he isn't here etc? These kinds of questions break my heart. According to Psychology today, "...24 million children live in biological father-absent homes— in the United States alone. And 1 in 3 children grow up without a father." What this means first and foremost is that you are not alone. This episode gives top-tips for handling these questions, some of which depend on age and development, but most of which can apply across the board. At the end of the episode I break down the difference between divorced and single moms, and why I no longer EVER call myself a single mom. Wanna work with me? You have options! Is It Him or Is It You is a 60-minute laser coaching experience for women who want honest feedback about their current situation. ROOTED is a 5-week coaching experience for women who think they may want to leave their marriages, but who can't seem to find the courage to make a decision, once and for all. The Divorce Worksheet Bundle is a $27 digital product in which you'll find everything you need to know in order to protect your children from any potential fallout from the divorce process. Included in this bundle is: How to tell your children you're getting divorced (four full pages of detailed information for all ages) Co-parenting agreement (7 pages of things you and your ex should be talking about before seeing a mediator) Children's Bill of Rights in Divorce (2 pages of rights for your children you and your ex should agree on and sign) Mutual Vision Statement (one page document guiding you through how to shift your relationship with your ex into this new phase) If you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast, or a guest you'd like me to interview, please submit it here.

In this episode I look at dating after divorce, and how hard it can sometimes be to be the new person coming in when the exes are "besties." I look at this from three angles, and give a prescriptive for how best to make this often difficult shift work. After our divorce, while we each dated other people, my ex and I still did holidays together, went to the theatre together, and had family dinners together. After all we'd been through we were now close, and as he began to date I took on the awkward yet esteemed role of First Wife. I'd befriend his girlfriends. Partly because it seemed easier; we could all just be a family, and it would be less complicated for our son. Or at least that's what I told myself. But the truth was that I couldn't let go. I didn't want to lose my spot as the primary woman in my ex's life. We'd spent 10 years together, and I barely had an identity outside of him. ULTIMATELY IT WAS A POWER-PLAY BASED ON MY OWN INSECURITIES. I WAS PISSING ON MY TERRITORY, AND MY EX WAS MY TERRITORY. But when my ex started dating the woman he's now married to, that all changed. We'd all been friends for a while, so knew what I was up to. She immediately set very clear boundaries and firmly (and rightly) pushed me off my perch. Ultimately I knew that this rearrangement of status was perfectly appropriate, but I also had a LOT of feelings about it. Being moved out of my position as First Wife gave rise to new layers of grief I'd never anticipated... ************************************* Wanna work with me? You have options! Is It Him or Is It You is a 60-minute laser coaching experience for women who want honest feedback about their current situation. ROOTED is a 5-week coaching experience for women who think they may want to leave their marriages, but who can't seem to find the courage to make a decision, once and for all. The Divorce Worksheet Bundle is a $27 digital product in which you'll find everything you need to know in order to protect your children from any potential fallout from the divorce process. Included in this bundle is: How to tell your children you're getting divorced (four full pages of detailed information for all ages) Co-parenting agreement (7 pages of things you and your ex should be talking about before seeing a mediator) Children's Bill of Rights in Divorce (2 pages of rights for your children you and your ex should agree on and sign) Mutual Vision Statement (one page document guiding you through how to shift your relationship with your ex into this new phase) If you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast, or a guest you'd like me to interview, please submit it here.

Whether your split is amicable or not, if you're separating from a mentally stable, otherwise reasonable person, there are steps you can take to keep it from going completely off the rails. Conversely, there are ways that the system is set up to be sure that it does... and all those ways benefit the system itself. When I first split from my husband I consulted a divorce attorney—a litigator. I wanted to educate myself on my rights before going into the process. California is a no-fault state, so no matter who did what to whom, the laws are pretty clear: 50% of all assets or debts incurred during the marriage would be mine. The state even has a calculating program called the DissoMaster for figuring out support based on percentage of custody and the incomes of both parties. Makes sense, right? My ex made more money than I did (I was a stay-at-home-mom, so he actually made all the money), so he would have to pay me child support and spousal support for a time. Except then the litigator began to show me that if we slid the custody bar of the DissoMaster over, my support would increase. More custody for me meant more money from my ex. When I told the attorney that I wanted my son to see his father 50% of the time, that he was a great dad, and that I didn't want to take my child away from him, he scoffed. He began throwing out scenarios in which I could disparage my ex in court so that I could get more custody, thus more money. In the process, the attorney was going to make gobs of money off of me and the fight he was about to stage between me and my ex. I didn't go down that road, and instead sought out a mediator who asked us an important question that set the tone for our entire divorce and mediation proceedings: Do you want to put your son at the center, or in the middle, of your divorce? This episode tells the story of how that all came about and how I gave up my house in service of my son. ******************************************* Wanna work with me? You have options! Is It Him or Is It You is a 60-minute laser coaching experience for women who want honest feedback about their current situation. ROOTED is a 5-week coaching experience for women who think they may want to leave their marriages, but who can't seem to find the courage to make a decision, once and for all. The Divorce Worksheet Bundle is a $27 digital product in which you'll find everything you need to know in order to protect your children from any potential fallout from the divorce process. Included in this bundle is: How to tell your children you're getting divorced (four full pages of detailed information for all ages) Co-parenting agreement (7 pages of things you and your ex should be talking about before seeing a mediator) Children's Bill of Rights in Divorce (2 pages of rights for your children you and your ex should agree on and sign) Mutual Vision Statement (one page document guiding you through how to shift your relationship with your ex into this new phase) If you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast, or a guest you'd like me to interview, please submit it here.

Mickie Zada is a change-agent, a content creator and an advocate for women who have escaped domestic abuse. Her passion is to inspire and empower survivors in their transition to safe, healthy lives. Mickie speaks openly and honestly about living in domestic abuse for 34 years (she says she stayed waaay tooo long at the dance!), the reality of her mind-set during that time (most of the time she was married, she didn't recognize that she was an abused spouse) and her belief that we create our reality. She says that there are as many excuses for remaining in abuse as there are women who stay. She chose to believe it was her Calling to help her ex-husband stay between the lines. Now she recognizes that she was not responsible for his life, the only person she could change was herself. She always had the option to leave; she chose to stay. Finances, false security, personal insecurities, potential loneliness, responsibility for children, fear for safety... these are all reasons to stay. Once we leave, we see that none of those excuses were valid. As victims we bond with our excuses, we accept them as real. They are not. Mickie is a strong believer in Dr. Wayne Dyer's statement, "When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change." She teaches that the only way to change the cycle of abuse is through personal growth. Abuse victims become survivors when we accept the reality of our past experiences and use those lessons to continue growing and sharing with others. Changing the way we look at our past creates the opportunity to change our lives. And, to inspire others. Where to find Mickie: Website Facebook LinkedIn iTunes Additional Resources Mentioned in the episode: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS and Randi Kreger Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

I often talk about my co-parenting relationship with my ex, and how hard we've worked to make it good. But that's not the whole story, and it's not always possible for everyone. Reading an article in Time Magazine by Jessica Henriquez called Raising My Son With My Ex-Husband is the Hardest Thing I've Done made me want to come clean about a few things...

My friend and colleague Sandi Herrera joined me to talk about how she married and divorced the same man twice, everything she learned in the process, and how understanding and honoring her core values has helped her evolve as a woman, mother, and business-owner. Sandi is the creator of Got Core Values, a nonprofit that is successfully creating positive cultures in schools leading to higher graduation rates and happier teachers. She is also the founder of Educator Dynamics which focuses on developing strong leaders in education around the world and creating youth empowerment camps. She is a single mom to her sixteen year old son, Hunter. Sandi has worked hard to achieve the life and the love that she has always dreamed of, living her life each day on purpose!

One of the most common reasons people stay together is for their children. Depending on your unique situation, this might be the best reason to stay together, or the worst. We're told over and over again that we have to stay for our kids; that children from "broken homes" (I hate that term) do less well in school, are damaged, and grow up to have poor coping and relationship skills. So we try. And we try harder. We bend ourselves into pretzels trying to make this square peg fit in this round hole come hell or high water, because if we don't, our children will suffer, and we will have failed. I call bullshit.

What no one tells you when you sign on for that "partnership agreement" (or "joint venture" as one of my friends calls it) of being at SAHM, is that you end up deeply subjugating yourself. As a stay-at-home-mom, you relinquish almost everything in service of raising your children, while your husband's path remains fairly unaltered. And that's backed up by research. According to a recent study, women's standard of living in divorce decreases by 27%, while men's actually increases by 10%. It's not just that you're subjugating yourself financially to your breadwinner husband. Your friendships slip away. Your hobbies. Your body. Your hormones do a crazy dance for far longer than anyone likes to tell you; and all of this lasts far longer — and is far harder to put back together — than you ever think possible.

I received an email not too long ago from a reader who asked: I cheated on my husband. It wasn't a one-time thing, but it's over now. I'm wracked with guilt, but I also know that if I tell my husband, it will destroy him. But I also feel like I should be honest and like I'm keeping a terrible secret, even though I actually feel closer to him now than ever. What should I do? This is certainly a complicated issue many of us have faced. There's a spark of attraction with someone new. Things haven't been quite "right" in your marriage for a long time, and you get swept away in a moment. Or two, or three... Now you're left with the question: should you tell your husband? Here's my take on this, shared by the always awesome Dan Savage, and I'll warn you, it's a bit controversial, and not a perspective shared by everyone.