ResponseABLE Parenting

Today we dive deeper into childhood beliefs around being "good" and your "goodness" as a person. I share more stories from my Telluride adventure with my parents and what I've been able to uncover since. From this trip, I've been able to connect the dots between my performative goodness and my real goodness. I have since realized that as a pastor's daughter, it was vital to my dad's appearance and success for his family to be a reflection of his goodness. Growing up in this space, there was a deep understanding or expectation of showing "good" behavior at all times. When we did this, and did it well, we had more validation, and more connection, and it felt like we had more value. So in my brain, the neurons that fired together were "goodness / worthiness," and they became deeply wired. Fast forward to a trip with my parents and my kids. My kids weren't performing to the same level of goodness that was expected of me as a child and so my wiring was going crazy. My value, my worth, my goodness felt in question because my children were not acting in accordance with my childhood expectations. I reacted from that place and did more to preserve the connection to my father, than I did to stay in connection with my son. This is a heartfelt discussion on external validation and I hope it brings light and clarity into areas within you that feel tricky and sticky when you are with your parents and your kids at the same time.

I get a lot of feedback on my Instagram reels about how I am NOT teaching my children to be respectful. While I could debate that, I don't need to waste my energy because I know that's not true AND I know that I'm teaching my kids "respect" but in a different way. I am teaching my kids kindness, empathy, compassion, how to work in a group setting, generosity, and how to make a kind request vs. a demand. I believe respect can only be learned once it is modeled. And the only way it's truly integrated and not a forced behavior is when it's modeled TO your children. So I model respect by simply asking "Is that a request or a demand" when they ask me for something. Instead of shaming them into respect by saying "You're not allowed to talk to me like that!" I calmly say "Hey buddy, was that a request or a demand?" They instantly understand that they've barked an order, and they adjust by adding please, they adopt a different tone, and they ask a complete sentence soaking in "respect." I haven't had to beat the idea of "say your please and thank yous!" into them. They understand it because we practice dozens of times a day on how to make your words land with kindness and generosity vs. demands and orders.

In this episode, I dive into cycle breaking around our families. I share why we are triggered the way that we are and what we can do to maintain our clarity and focus on our goals. I share a story about my very real triggering moment when on vacation with my family and how I was able to get sucked down my subconscious rabbit hole of what "should be." I share a story about how everyday triggers can pop up and how to use those triggers to gift your children a toolbox of skills they will use throughout their lives. Cycle breaking is incredibly difficult. Add on the extra layer of your caregivers weighing in on your actions and it can be overwhelmingly triggering. Here is some context as to why and ways you can dig yourself out.

This is a fun episode! I share my response to the reels going around Instagram and TikTok that have a video of wild children doing crazy things and the voice says "I'm sorry but gentle parenting is for gentle kids…I've got gangsters." For the record, in most if not all of these videos, the children are doing totally developmentally normal exploration. Anyway! The truth is, that gentle parenting isn't really for the kids at all! It's a comprehensive set of tools to support PARENTS so we are better equipped at handling our adult temper tantrums before putting more of our stuff on our children. And when we can do that we are giving our children an enormous life long gift! We are allowing our children to grow up and develop into adults who are fully seen, heard, understood, validated, valued, and respected. But doing this we are healing wounds of our own as we give our children the gift of self realization and total love and acceptance. This type of parenting isn't just for challenging kids. It's for all kids, and quite frankly all parents.

In this episode, I discuss our stigma of anger and aggression and how to accept, instead of reject, this totally normal human emotion. It is so easy for us to try to avoid anger, try to correct aggression, and try to move away from this "bad" emotion because it makes us uncomfortable and brings up a good deal of fear and uncertainty. But the irony is that we model anger and aggression and more often than not match our child's aggression with our own. Our intention is to stop the behavior but instead, we are just reinforcing the pattern. In this episode, I share how to match their energy, not their aggression. I share a step-by-step process which will arm you with the script for the next time you experience aggression with your children.

This is one of my favorite episodes! In this episode I talk about how our deeply rooted, traditional belief systems about children's behavior affects our ability to repair when we blow up at them. When we lose our cool on our children, these belief systems allow us to justify our reactions. I share how we can start to dismantle these beliefs and I offer a step by step formula to follow when we rupture the relationship. I believe that our kids are worthy of repair. And the more we model how to apologize and correct our misbehavior the more they will model and learn from that. If we want our children to be the kind of people who apologize and do what's right, then we need to be the leaders and the examples of how to do that at home and with them.

In this episode, I share a softer way to explore and explain the similarities and differences our children will notice and experience in the world. I also talk about ways to view our children's behaviors, not as triggering actions that need to be fixed, but rather helpful insights into the areas that still need healing and work within us. When we get too wrapped up in the narrative of "others" we lose the ability to explore and grow and see the human in front of us. I offer insight and advice on how to take those triggers and turn them into meaningful growth for not only you but your connection and relationship with your children.

In this episode, we explore a listener's question about how to manage their 7-year-old son's disrespectful behavior. We explore themes of defiance and control and I offer suggested scripts and techniques to meet their child's developmental needs. When we as parents are experiencing a lot of defiance and push back from our children this is a clear sign we are running low on connection. I give several examples of how to get your children in the driver's seat of choices to give them some control to flex their growing sense of self and also ways you can build connections so collaboration becomes more frequent. If you relate to this listener and would like to share your stories, please send me a message on social or send me an email. And if you'd like a pressing question answered, don't hesitate to reach out!

In this episode I interview Reece Anderson, founder of We Overcome Anything out of Australia. His 8-week program helps parents get out of their own way in order to support their teens, create more positive connections, lessen conflict, and find more ease in the relationship. Through his own battles of mental health and working in the sector, he realized a large disconnect with teens and parents. The number one thing he's heard from teenagers throughout his work over the past 5 years is that they are not heard by their parents. Reece works with both parents and teenagers to help build connection, curiosity & respect for themselves and each other. In this episode we talk about ways to reconnect with your teenager, how to get curious and engage with them in a way that draws them out vs. sends them away, and some first steps to starting a new relationship with your teen. Here are the ways to connect with Reece: Instagram: @overcomeanything_aus Email: [email protected]

Sometimes this nervous system regulation "stuff" can feel super unattainable and challenging. In this episode, I share with you a silly acronym I created in my house for my family that helps bring some humor into the equation. P.O.O.P. is the funny way to get back into emotional regulation and back into the driver's seat of parenting. P: Pause O: Observe O: Orient P: Play This is just one more tool in our ever-growing toolbox as parents to model regulation and help our children understand themselves and the world around them.

Challenges around food can be incredibly stressful for parents. Not only do our children NEED food for body and brain development but meals and snacks happen many times a day EVERY SINGLE DAY. Today I am doing a deep dive on picky eating and how we as parents can pivot and adjust our methods to shift the negative narrative about food. I hope this serves all of the parents out there struggling with food. If you relate to this listener and would like to share your stories, please send me a message on social or send me an email. And if you'd like a pressing question answered, don't hesitate to reach out!

In this episode, I look at how our unmet needs and nervous system dysregulation contributes to how we react to our children. I break down ways to uncover default patterns in your life, how to identify your most important need(s), and how to create a grounding practice to regulate your nervous system. This will help you build your patience reserves in order to have more capacity for your children. You'll hear me discuss the Green, Red, and Blue "Pathways." Here I am referencing the book Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges by Mona Delahooke, PhD.

Every day we drop our children off at school can be a very triggering experience in today's United States. When I recorded this, the latest school shooting had occurred in Nashville, TN leaving 3 children and 3 adults dead. As parents, it can feel as though our hands are tied and we have no choice but to roll the dice every day. In this episode, I talk about ways we can shift the dynamics, and model ways AT HOME to safely discharge anger, frustration, and pent up emotion. I talk about making a radical shift as parents and showing up for our children in such a way that they don't feel so alone. It is our JOB to do the work on ourselves to be better and show up better…if not for ourselves, then for our children

We all have so much triggering our nervous system daily. It builds and builds until we snap and react. And often that's at our children who were just making a bid for connection. Today I start the conversation about how we can adjust our dysregulation dumping ground away from our children and find a safer more connective way to release this tension.

I dive into why we act the way we act. Our past experiences define how we show up as parents and its up to us to uncover the roots and do the healing work in order to show up for our children the way they deserve. I share real examples of how to break down your nervous system cues in order to show up with with more emotional intelligence and self awareness, which leads to greater connection.

Trigger warning: I talk about my stillbirth in this episode. My oldest son was not even 3 when his preschool advised us that he had behavioral issues. This started us down a 2+ year path to "get him in line." I share what we did, what didn't work, and how it rocket-launched me into this journey of parent coaching.