Redemptive Living Radio

In this week's episode we discuss Acting In which is also called Intimacy Aversion. We also discuss Gaslighting, a close cousin to Acting In. Intimacy Aversion is keeping others at arms length in order to self-protect and self-preserve (in an unhealthy way). While this is a part of the human condition, it's especially prevalent with men struggling with sexual integrity issues and it's incredibly damaging - for some, it's emotionally abusive. We also dig into Gaslighting. There is a difference between Intimacy Aversion and Gaslighting which lies in the motivation. The motivation behind Intimacy Aversion is more about self-preservation whereas the motivation with Gaslighting is about making someone think they are crazy. We discuss reasons for these behaviors and what to do as a wife when this happens. We are so glad YOU are here and look forward to discussing more of how to heal from Intimacy Aversion NEXT week. Acting In techniques can be found here. We mention Sarah Morales and the great work she is doing around Gaslighting. She can be found here. We mention the Sitting on Secrets Episode from Season #1 (Episode 10) which can be found here. MasterClasses for men can be found here. Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we talk about what to do if he is dragging his feet in recovery. There are, in general, three archetypes on the spectrum of a man that is dragging his feet in recovery. On one end is a man that is resistant, defensive and mean. On the other end of the spectrum is a man that is trying but there is also a lot of stumbling and fumbling. In the middle - would be the man that has done some good work but has now moved into complacency. Being able to name where he is at can be helpful in figuring out how to get unstuck (for both of you). In addition, having a conversation about where he is at and where you think he is at would be beneficial. We wrap up this episode with what you can do when he drags his feet in recovery and what he can do when he is dragging his feet. Thanks for joining us, we are grateful that YOU are here. Check out our other boundaries podcast episodes here, here and here. Shelley mentions the Welcome Series which includes a sneak peak of the Boundaries Course - you can sign up for that here. Shelley mentions the book - Changes that Heal - love this book for learning about boundaries. Our podcast episode on detachment can be found here. MasterClasses for men can be found here. Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast. Production Note: We had some problems with background noise in this episode. Please excuse the buzz.

In this episode, we talk about getting out of the mindset that recovery is all about stopping a bad behavior. If the goal is to never act out again and nothing more - men are selling themselves short. Heart and character change associated with the process of not acting out is what is most important. Ultimately, the process is about becoming who God is calling you to be as a man. Talking about threats or markers in recovery can help us to that end which we will introduce and explore in this episode. We also discuss acting in (or intimacy aversion) and how that fits into the threats assessment (a deep dive into Acting In, aka Intimacy Aversion is coming in two weeks, you won't want to miss that episode! Thanks for joining us, we are grateful that YOU are here. Download the Threats Assessment Worksheet + Video here. MasterClasses for men can be found here. Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Picking up where we left off in the last episode, we discuss what it looks like to really work at developing the "muscle" within all of us that alerts us to someone crossing into our hula hoops. Practicing an awareness for when someone crosses those lines (aka limits, or our hula hoop) and what it feels like when that line is crossed is a great place to start. We also talk about naming what we are afraid of when setting boundaries as well as working on identifying what we need when our limits are crossed. Jason and I finally land the plane as we talk more about the sobering reality that setting boundaries won't fix or change others (this can be hard to swallow); nor should boundaries be used to punish. Instead, boundaries help protect us and provide clarity and ultimately help us take back our power. Thanks for joining us, we are grateful that YOU are here. MasterClasses for men can be found here. Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Welcome to Season #3 of Redemptive Living Radio! We are looking forward to sharing more about recovery post-betrayal with you over the next 12 or so weeks! In this episode, we are continuing the conversation on boundaries. To recap, in the last episode we talked about how the word "boundary" is used in two different ways. First, it's how we define our "limits" in life. Recognizing when someone crosses that limit is an important skill to develop. The second type of boundary is active in nature and we use it when we are intentionally protecting ourselves from someone we don't feel safe with. Jason and I then talk about the different categories of boundaries. These include: internal or personal boundaries, relational boundaries, and recovery-related boundaries. Internal boundaries are the limits or the commitments you make to yourself to stay safe and protected. Relational boundaries are the boundaries we have in relationships with others. And recovery-related boundaries are those boundaries necessary in the recovery process. Keep in mind that recovery-related boundaries look and feel different, one of the reasons they can be so challenging to implement. And finally, just a friendly reminder: you have permission to set boundaries that protect you and keep you safe. MasterClasses can be found here. Changes That Heal is an excellent book to read if you are wanting to understand boundaries better. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In recovery, we talk about boundaries in two different ways - first, it's how we define our "limits" in life. Sometimes people cross into our space and sometimes we cross into others' space. Recognizing when someone crosses that line (or limit) is important to be aware of. When you hear someone say - "he crossed a boundary with me", this is what they are referring to. The second way we conceptualize boundaries is when we have to intentionally protect ourselves from someone that we don't feel safe with. Another way to describe this is reinforcing the boundary. Again, the motivation here is to get safe. An example would be separating from him and not having emotionally charged conversations until there is a third party present. The distinction between these two types of boundaries is important to be aware of. Jason and I talk a bit about this and then pivot and talk about how boundaries are rooted in needs (and protection / safety). So in order for us to figure out what our boundaries are (referring to the latter kind of boundary, the ones where we potentially need to reinforce our boundaries in order to get safe), it's important for us to first identify what we need. Ultimately, when it comes to identifying what we need and setting boundaries - what we as women are looking to see is - will he protect my heart at all costs? Thank you for joining us for this last podcast of Season #2, we are looking forward to a 3rd Season closer to August of 2021. MasterClasses can be found here. Boundaries Course for women - coming soon - click here for the details. Changes That Heal is an excellent book to read if you are wanting to understand boundaries better. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we talk about the purpose of sexual abstinence or sexual fasting in the recovery process. Yes, it is important for rewiring the brain (for him) but it's also important for learning authentic intimacy. We unpack the concept (new to me!) that sexual intimacy is tangled up with all the other forms of intimacy which is part of the reason some men don't have solid relationships with other guys. {(Blew my mind!} We go into the how, the why, and the what. We also discuss how it can be helpful for her if she isn't feeling safe in the relationship. We end with some of the deeper issues that can bubble up while a couple is going through a sexual fast. We are so glad you are here for this tough topic! MasterClasses can be found here. Shelley refers to a section in the Rescued workbook on sexual abstinence - see pages 120-121; for the building blocks of intimacy, see page 118. Our friend and colleague, Invia Betjoseph says - "sexual abstinence is like control - alt - delete on the brain" Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

When it comes to lust, we are missing the point if we are only focusing on eyes and mind. Lust is a heart and soul matter. Men have to decide - do I want to live with integrity and honor my wife? Who is God calling me to be? Do I want to be that kind of man or not? These questions, these heart changes are where it starts. Sure, there is behavior modification (not looking, 1:1 rule) but that in and of itself is not enough. It must be connected to a deeper purpose. Jason gives 5-6 practical steps men can take to make the shift in changing how they see. Article Shelley referred to from a study conducted at Princeton University on seeing women as objects. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

Regular check-ins are a foundational tool for many couples in recovery. It was for us! in this episode we talk about how to view the check-ins (hint: its not a box to check!), how to approach them and why consistency matters. We give a framework for the FITNAP check in that we use with folks and talk about how we transitioned to that from the FANIT found on page 153 in the Rescued Workbook. MasterClasses that we offer - www.redemptiveliving.com/masterclass Here is a link to an older video Jason did on Acting In. A tich outdated, but it gives the gist - Understanding Acting In Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode we talk about the difference between integrity issues and addiction. For some wives the label of "addict" can bring relief, because the issue is a quantifiable and there is a plan for help. For others, the label is a death sentence that brings hopelessness. We wanted to give folks an understanding of key characteristics of addiction and talk about why there is resistance for many men to see themselves as addicts. While this is all important, we also want to look through a different lens that takes away the labels and categories, and attempts to get to the heart of the matter - surrender. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

We also wanted to shine the light on all the work that he is {hopefully} doing early on in recovery. Jason goes into some of the internal work he is doing that she might not see - fighting for his integrity, fighting resignation, fighting to not adopt failure as an identity - just to name a few. We also talk about the work she will start to see - which is a byproduct of the internal work he is doing. Jason throws out the word characterological - which I question the validity of. I know better than to do this people. In Jason's other life, he loves Jeopardy, cross word puzzles and all things word-related. Dusting off some blog post archives - a series on empathy and humility - here is part one, part two and part three. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

So apparently men in Jason's office say that they are doing a lot of the early work of recovery (not her). Not to start a fight or anything but… We dig more into this during this episode of the pod. Truly, when both the husband and wife are engaged in recovery - they are both working really hard. We thought it would be helpful to name what she is doing early on in recovery so that he can really see how much she is working on. Grief work, getting safe, detachment, waiting well. Fighting for hope, self-control, financial sacrifices. So much. A recent blog post on detachment. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

We dig into the trauma model versus the addiction model and of course take some rabbit trails and talk about things like vicarious trust, codependency, trauma and the Redemptive Living way of doing things. We are so glad you are with us for season #2! It was this episode where Jason mentions codependency and how much he hates that word. Click here to order Rescued. I continue this conversation on the blog - here is the first of the blog posts on this topic. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

So our plan was to talk about the ins and outs of detachment for this last episode of season one. But first, I wanted to start with a quick question regarding equanimity in the recovery process. Simply because I often hear of husbands saying - they want it to be equal. As Jason and I continued to dive deeper into the topic, I realized that we would need to save detachment for season two. In this episode, we unpack the reasons behind why we believe demanding equanimity from her doesn't work. We also discuss the reasons it can be so hard for him to not see recovery through this lens of balance and equality. We also talk about what this has looked like for us - and how long Jason had to surrender equality. And I share a bit about where I am at today with moving toward Jason and my hearts desire to love him well. Loving what Jason said during the episode - "Trust is destroyed at her expense, trust is rebuilt at his expense." Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.comand rlforwomen.com. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelleywith the subject line: Podcast.

We've received some great questions during this season of the podcast. We wanted to tackle as many of these as we could and didn't get near as many answered as we wanted to but that's okay. There (hopefully) is always the next episode! A couple of the questions we answered - Is it possible that Jason loved me in the midst of his acting out? And is it fair for husbands to say that they didn't mean to hurt us while they were acting out. We cover this and more! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

Sitting on secrets is incredibly detrimental in the recovery process. We (actually, Jason) shares four main reasons that men choose to sit on secrets during the recovery process. In addition, he talks through the really important recovery aspects that sitting on secrets will block (intimacy, empathy, grieving, ability to help others, and freedom). Ultimately - when a man working recovery is sitting on secrets, it will increase the chances of him acting out. But we're not going to leave you there. We are going to walk through what it can look like to stop sitting on secrets and press into vulnerability, intimacy and movement forward! "Are you more desperate to hide or to heal?" - quote attributed to Scott Nickell of Southlands Church and his podcast is here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, I (Shelley) share how difficult it is when my story of being a betrayed wife is the first thing that people know about me. We are so much more than this part of our stories, ladies. In this episode - I share more about how the betrayal piece is just a small part of the story and give hope and encouragement to women that are feeling like it's all consuming for them in the here and now. Selah Summit and Mallory Morgan - you can get to know her here." God reached out His arm and pulled me out of the slimy pit and set my feed on solid ground" is referring to this verse. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.comand rlforwomen.com. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we discuss several strategies to mitigate anxiety during the recovery process. It's fair to say we segue into some other topics - women's intuition, women trusting other women, support groups, who is driving the recovery bus. Let's just say you're going to feel like you are sitting in our living room while Jason and I are chit-chatting. So grab a warm drink and a blanket and get comfortable. We are so glad you are here! The Restore Workshop is this weekend. More details about the workshop here. Interested in a support group for women? You can find out more about them here. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelleywith the subject line: Podcast.

Did you know there are two different types of shame? There is toxic shame, which most of us refer to and talk about these days; and then there is Biblical shame. Shame is complicated, yáll, and because of that, Jason does most of the talking here. I was just trying to keep up! Keep in mind that we must work through the toxic shame before we can work through the Biblical shame. However - Biblical shame only applies when we have done something wrong. Otherwise, we are only dealing with toxic shame. Whew. Verse in 1 Corinthianswhere Paul says - "I say this to shame you." Entropē- Greek word for shame - literally means to recoil from what is vile. David feeling the weight in his bones refers to this verse. Interested in a support group? Find out about current openings here. Living out our identity in Christ - we discuss this inEpisode 4. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelleywith the subject line: Podcast.

Have you heard him say - "I'm sorry I hurt you. You would be better off without me." And it doesn't actually help? This is because comments like this are enveloped in shame and are sympathetic, but not empathetic. In this episode, Jason and I talk through what she needs to hear and how, yes, HOW he can learn to be empathetic. Get your pen and paper ready - you're going to want to take notes! Video by Brene Brownon Empathy versus Sympathy Wanting more of this? Jason teaches a MasterClass on Empathy, would love for you to join the next one! To see the other MasterClasses being offered, click here. Our websites - rlforwomen.com and redemptiveliving.com You can connect with Shelley on Instagram @Shelley-Martinkus Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

Piggy-backing off of the last episode, there are times when there is no good answer for the questions that she might be asking. This doesn't mean that the questions aren't worthwhile. Not even close - her questions are incredibly important because it's part of how she is working through her grieving process. "I don't remember" is not a good answer. Listen in as Jason and Shelly share three practical things to help answer the unanswerable questions. We talk about empathy and Jason teaches a 5-week Empathy Master Class. You can get all the details here. Our websites - rlforwomen.com and redemptiveliving.com You can connect with Shelley on Instagram @Shelley-Martinkus Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelly with the subject line: Podcast

Why did he do this?If you haven't already noticed, I like to give Jason a hard time (as you will hear a couple of times throughout this episode). He's real patient with me and just rolls with it. He's a good guy. In this episode, we talk about a big question that women ask - "Why? Why did you do this?!" I share a couple of reasons as to why she needs to hear the reasons from her husband, we talk about how answering this question is apart of the grieving process, and we also talk about what he can do in the here and now for the why from the past to not hold so much weight moving forward. Shelley mentions the Restore Workshop which will be held next month virtually, then back to in-person in Spring 2021. "Good work in the present creates a future where there won't be as much focus on the past." - Jason said this during the episode and I thought it was so good. Interested in working with us or someone on our team? Find out about our services here. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

We are back with a candid conversation about triggers. Have you heard of a trigger-squared? Well - it's a real thing and we want to make sure that doesn't happen so in this episode, we talk through some practical tips to help manage triggers in public. Links to select blog posts on triggers: here and here Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast. Order the Rescued workbook here, there is a chapter devoted to understanding and working through triggers

Where is the roadmap for recovery? Is there a perfect way to go about it? Jason and Shelley unpack these questions as well as discuss what they would have done differently three months into the process and three years into the process. "The music happens between the notes"- the actual quote is "Music is the silence between the notes" and is accredited to Claude Debussy. Links to a select few of Shelley's blog posts on self-care: here, hereand here. Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

Welcome to Redemptive Living Radio! A new podcast created for couples looking for hope as they heal from sexual betrayal in their marriages. In this first episode, we share our story, talk a bit about where we are at today and our vision for this podcast. Visit Jason's website at redemptiveliving.com. Visit Shelley's website at rlforwomen.com. Watch a video of Jason and Shelley's full story. Questions for the podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.