Redemptive Living Radio

In this episode, we get real honest about a recent series of arguments we had about money, with the intent of sharing with you guys what engaging in conflict can look like in "late recovery". Not that we do conflict perfectly or recovery perfectly (as you will surely hear) but we get questions about what life looks like today - years and years post betrayal and with a lot of recovery work under our belts, collectively. We laugh a LOT today. And we have a really sweet marriage. And we STILL do a lot of arguing and disagreeing. Ultimately, you are going to hear a mix of hurt, triggers, acting in, and being known / fully knowing one another in a deeper way as we unpack our recent disagreements. Getting to a place where Jason can speak into what I can't see (and vice-versa, at times) has been the sweetest gift and is truly what safe, trusted intimacy is all about. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6. Wired for Intimacy is the book that I read a quote from in regards to intimacy. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - join that wait list here. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we talk about the value of the full disclosure and some of the reasons that doing a full disclosure (for both him and for her) is incredibly beneficial. Here are some of those reasons: - for men: integration of the story and the acting out - as in, making sense of and connecting dots in his story as a whole which informs the recovery and healing process - for men: writing out our stories has been shown via research to help with the healing process at a cellular level - for women: knowing the truth of our lives helps facilitate the process of forgiving (not to mention it restores honor to know the truth) - for women: knowing the truth of his life can eventually help us tap into empathy for him, which in turn helps aid in forgiveness - for men: to help uncover the "why" of the acting out (the roots) - for men: an opportunity for rebuilding trust - for women: helps her get unstuck and sets her on a course to truly grieve what has happened - for both: a marker / foundation for them to build upon - for women: the ability to integrate the truth of her life into her story (just like he does) - for women: witnessing him cultivating ownership (such an important character trait we need to see in him) - for men: it's Biblical We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6. Pennebaker is the researcher out of UT Austin that has shown the impact of writing out our stories to significantly help our bodies heal. James 5:16 - confess you sins so that you may be healed. John 8:32 - the truth will set you free. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - join that wait list here. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop. Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we piggyback off of the last episode on Frontloading and discuss how women can leverage this technique in order to feel safe having certain conversations with him. This technique is essentially giving him a heads up that a difficult conversation needs to be had + insuring he is in an open space to have said conversation well in advance of it starting. I love this technique because it serves as an insurance policy to help protect her from additional hurt and pain. (And can also be considered a gift for him because he isn't being put on the spot and can prepare his heart for the conversation.) Jason suggests the following when she approaches him asking for a difficult convo: shush the negative thoughts, control the narrative, and finally - pivot to empathy (this is all happening in the space between the frontload and the actual convo). For women - this is applicable when you are wanting to share your heart (whether you feel hurt, fear, anxious, unsettled, etc.), needing to express a need and/or when you are seeking clarity. This technique is not applicable if you are experiencing immediate triggers and pain or as an "prescriptive edict" (where she demands versus where she expresses what she needs). It can be super helpful to get in touch with what you are feeling and START with that when you sit down to have the conversation. For husbands - focus first on the feelings expressed, meet her there; not solving the problem SO that she doesn't have those feelings. This will help you hear her heart around the request. Bigger picture, keep in mind: When she front loads, her desire is for you to accept what she is bringing to the table; and less about her trying to accommodate you (by front loading). We hope this tool helps her bring up the harder conversations and helps him meet her heart with tenderness and empathy. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - join that wait list here. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we talk about Frontloading, a term we first heard from Jennifer Kolari after doing some parenting therapy with her. See the link below for her information. Frontloading is the conversation we have prior to an anticipated event (or an anticipated conversation). Keep in mind, it's about a heart attitude, not about a playbook / plan / script. This heart attitude says two things: 1 - Empathy and tenderness will inform me going into this situation well, and 2 - I don't have to fear fall out. The point of frontloading is to be prepared FOR the hurtful stuff, versus making sure NO hurtful stuff exists. Big picture - a couple of things for men to keep in mind: 1 - It's an educational experience for guys - Husbands are going to learn how she perceives and experiences different situations. 2 - Process it for yourself prior to talking to her about it. Ask yourself: How does this situation impact my integrity and what do I need to protect that? How does this situation impact her heart and what do I need to protect her heart? Four things to think about as you are front loading an anticipated event: 1 - Thinking about and anticipating what will happen emotionally in that situation for you (him) and for her in this anticipated event. 2 - What is going to happen during the anticipated event that taps into your wounds / her wounds? 3 - What do I need at the beach? What does she need at the beach? 4 - What are the expected actions that I will take during this anticipated event? Keep in mind: this is not one and done (one plan this weekend won't be the same plan next weekend). Have the SAME conversation next week for the next anticipated event. In addition, don't deviate from the original plan unless there is a conversation that happens WELL ahead of time. Frontloading can be useful in the following situations: prior to travel, prior to being with extended family, prior to being in public (together), as a strategy to help him lean in when there is intense intimacy aversion, overall early on in the recovery process to establish safety and to build trust. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6. To find out more about Dr. Jennifer Kolari - you can click here. "A righteous man doesn't have to fear bad news." is found in Psalm 112:7. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - join that wait list here. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we talk about her getting stuck and how this can be (not always, but can be) connected to him NOT doing good, consistent work. Jason recaps a couple of things from episode #68 - What is Good Work (definitely check out that episode if you want to learn more about what "good" work looks like - see the link below.) We discuss four big things that can cause her to get stuck in the process (when he is not doing good work). These include: 1 - When there isn't clarity on if he is doing good work or not (when she simply isn't sure) OR when it seems like his level of good work changes on the daily / weekly / monthly. 2 - Difficulty (for her) in identifying needs and boundaries - this is a huge area where women can get stuck, when they struggle to identify what they even need. 3 - Unconscious vows she has made to herself. 4 - When staying the same isn't more painful than making a change - this can also cause her to get stuck. In the podcast episode, we are specifically referring to setting boundaries and the price we pay as women to set those big boundaries. The less good work he is doing - the more boundary setting we have to do in order to heal. 5 - Mixed Signals from him (similar yet different to #1, above.) We then shift gears and talk about strategies to get you unstuck: 1 - Get clarity on if he is doing good work (or not). Take Jason's advice and go with the graph of a stock analogy for this. You can also consider these journal prompts: How is he helping my heart heal? How is he hurting my heart from healing?2 - Get clear on your needs and boundaries. Journal out: What are the top five things I need to feel safe in my marriage?3 - Journal out - What do I think, want, need and feel? (See Chapter 3 in the Rescued workbook.) 4 - Naming the vows you have made and then Journal out: Are these vows still working for me? We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6! Episode #68 goes into greater detail about what good work is - you can listen to that here. And while we are at it, the "sister" episode (haha!) I referred to when talking about vows was Episode #69, which you can listen to here. Here is a link to the Rescued workbook. I also refer to Episode #47 - When He Chooses Not to do the Work, which you can listen to here. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - join that wait list here. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

So, let's say he is doing mostly good work. Oftentimes when he is doing this mostly good work, women are faced with a dilemma. Does she accept the good work and lean into it and trust it? OR does she hold him / the good work at arm's length and continue to watch and wait and keep herself safe? We start with exploring some of the reasons she runs into this dilemma. These include: 1 - Unconscious tug of war happening in her heart. 2 - Vows she has made to herself. 3 - Not knowing if she can trust herself. 4 - The vulnerability of it all. 5 - Invalidation of her pain. I loved it when Jason said - "The husband that has done the work doesn't say 'why can't we just move on' - this comment serves as a red flag that he HASN'T done the work". Bottom line ladies: work toward naming the root of the dilemma and THEN you can ask yourself - what do I want to do about it? (With gentleness, of course!) Jason then speaks directly to husbands about some to do's if this is the situation the couple finds themselves in: 1 - Consistency + small deposits matter - Jason says, "consistency of small deposits builds trust in order for her to get out of the dilemma". 2 - Control the narrative in your head. 3 - I've got you and I've got us. Ultimately, my encouragement to women is that this is a part of the process and what's important is to be able to name it and then figure out what you want to do about it, with gentleness. I loved Jason's final thought - there is no clock. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6! For the episode mentioned on Equanimity (#12) - click here. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. Would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - join that wait list here. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, Masterclasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop. Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

So what exactly is good work? And what does good work look like AFTER the initial stages? Because it seems like some husbands rock that good work early on - and then… they are done?! Jason and I are both encouraging you guys to honestly assess: are the things we list happening in my / his recovery process? And if not - what might it look like to get back on track? Some of the "good work" is objective (for instance, the formal disclosure or the amount of acting in). But a lot of this "good work" is less concrete. Here we go: Quantitative v Qualitative - it's good to be doing the quantitative work but we must look to see - is there fruit coming out of it? It's the qualitative work that we will hang our hat on - so consider: what quality is coming from the recovery work he is doing? Early Good Work - it all starts with radical honesty. Followed by: willingness to be wrong, willingness to be led, willingness to talk through and engage conversations, willingness to be held accountable, sincere effort and interest to understand himself / the roots of his behaviors, a revulsion to things that lack sexual integrity, a willingness to honor your wife's needs, being at war with yourself + open access. Mid-Recovery Work - tenderness from him and sitting with her in her pain, steadfastness and him being in the process for the long haul, him leading her well, moving from sobriety to character change, recovery becoming a way of life, empathy becomes an intentional thing that he WANTS to give, being steady while the cement dries, focusing on intimacy aversion / acting in. Love it when Jason said this: In early recovery - her safety is his assignment. In mid recovery - he internalizes that her safety is his responsibility. And then in late recovery - he knows her safety is his privilege. Good work does not end after early recovery. Women deeply desire for their husbands to go the distance with them and to do the mid-recovery work well. Our hope is that this is exactly what each of you (husband) will choose to do. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6! Shelley mentions episode #40 - Mid-recovery - Making the distance between surviving and thriving for more details on mid-recovery. For the episode on Acting In / Intimacy Aversion - check out episode #25 and episode #26. Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. We would love for you to consider joining me at the Fall 2024 Retreat - you can join the wait list here. Would also love for you to join me in the 2Q Boundary Class - join that wait list here. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode - we are diving in to a question that Shelley receives quite regularly - why did you stay? And were you / are you embarrassed that you chose to stay? We start with talking about some of the reasons that can make it embarrassing to stay - for instance, in our culture - there is this notion that when a woman is cheated on, there must be something wrong with her / something she did. I loved it when Jason said - "no amount of bad marriage necessitates or drives infidelity or betrayal". I'd like to print this on a sticker or a t-shirt - anyone want one?! Another reason that it can be really hard and even embarrassing to stay is when he is not doing the work (or is doing work some of the time but not consistently) and DIGNITY is not restored. This is critical to the couple ship process - for what has been stripped from her (dignity) to be restored. We share several other reasons - what I think is important is for each of you to NAME what makes it embarrassing to stay and then also decide what is true / what isn't true with your reasoning. We then pivot to talking about some of the reasons I chose to stay with Jason at the fresh, young age of 26. I initially talk about giving myself permission to sit in the in-between and not make a quick decision. Let me be really clear (because I'm not sure if I was in the podcast episode) - while this is not a reason I stayed, it did help me tremendously in being able to make the choice, one way or another. I didn't put pressure on myself to make a decision and I allowed myself to embrace the discomfort of not knowing which way to go. Ultimately, I chose to stay because Jason completely changed. At a heart level. More than anything - he owned his brokenness and failures. And I wasn't willing to stay with him if he was just sober and nothing more. I realized after all the hurt and all the pain - that he was still the man of my dreams. And I wanted to try to do life with him. I knew it was risky but the thought of not taking the risk wasn't something I could wrap my head around. And finally - I realized and waited for God to show me the way, it was just too big of a decision for me to make on my own. Even when I received clarity from God - I questioned if it was real (similar to Gideon and the fleece situation in Judges chapter 6 (see below)) and asked for more clarity. Ultimately - I've been able to hang tight to sign God gave me through the years. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6! For an article on What I Would Have Done Differently, written by our beloved Amy Garcia - click here. For the podcast on what we would have done differently (it's episode #2) - click here. Here is a link to the passage from Judges 6:11-40. Would LOVE for you to join me at the Spring Retreat - click here for more information. We have ONE spot left! Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. You will find the Threats Assessment as well as the Bow-Tie Diagram + Video. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list, Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

It's show time! Here we go - Season #6 of Redemptive Living Radio is HERE. On this first episode of the season, we are talking about relapses. I realize this can be a super tender topic on all fronts. Here are some of the questions we answer: 1 - What is a relapse? - In some ways, a relapse is VERY clear and in some instances, it can seem a bit arbitrary. I think what is key is to look at the primary, secondary and tertiary markers / threats - see episode #23 - Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary Markers in Recovery - and allow that to guide you when it comes to what is a relapse and what is not a relapse. (Bonus - if you haven't subscribed to the podcast freebies - please do! There is a link in the show notes of episode #23 as well as below.) There are nuances for each of us, so we do have to take this on a case by case basis. 2 - What is the difference between a relapse and a slip? And is this important? - quick answer is - this is NOT important. 2 - Should we expect a relapse? - please no. 3 - What are men initially working on in order to prevent relapses? - Jason talks about a three-legged stool to include radical honesty, emotional intimacy and accountability as the key things initially initially (it's more than this but just to deduce it down as much as possible) he is working on to help not only avoid relapses but to also move forward in recovery. 4 - How can we leverage relapses to be apart of good recovery work versus apart of the addiction? - Jason talks about focusing on radical honesty, character work, emotional intimacy work, shame work, sitting in pain and more. 5 - What if he continues to relapse? - It's important to consider some other things that might be going on / might be helpful if relapses continue. We would be remiss if we didn't address this before signing off. I love Jason's encouragement at the end: let's grow from relapses and not just accept them as apart of the process. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6! Henry Ford quote pertaining to our attitude with success and failure: "whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." Make sure you download the Podcast Freebies! You can do that here. You will find the Threats Assessment as well as the Bow-Tie Diagram + Video. There are two spots left in the Empowered Boundary Class - starting January 25th. I would LOVE for you to join me. Click here for more details + to register. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Welcome back to the podcast!!! We wanted to jump in and do a bonus podcast for you guys ahead of the release of Season #6 which will air in January, 2024. While it really is a topic near and dear to Jason's heart - it's also a PSA for ALL of us as we prepare to be with extended family over Thanksgiving and Christmas. The holidays can be really challenging - no matter what - and then throw in Family Systems (see below) + recovery and it's a LOT. The happy holidays can feel like the not so happy holidays. The back drop of this conversation we are having is rooted in Family Systems Theory by Murray Bowen. Bottom line is in every family - there are unspoken agreements and roles within the family system. For instance, you might be the clown of the family, the peace keeper, the hero… the list goes on and on. When we merge family systems (by going to the in-laws for Thanksgiving, for instance) there will absolutely be an impact to the "system". We cover five key points to ponder as you consider how Family Systems impacts your holiday experience: 1 - Name the role you played in your family of origin as well as who you are now relative to the earlier role you played. 2 - Acknowledge your wife's needs when navigating holiday interactions. 3 - When emotions are high, use discernment on what to share and say in front of extended family, AND honor yourself and your boundaries / limits. 4 - Front Loading conversations between him and her prior to the holiday gatherings. 5 - Daily Downloads, initiated by him, for the two of you every day you are with extended family. 6 - And Bonus: for women - identifying anchors (activities you can do to keep yourself grounded) on the daily while with extended family. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us and we are excited to be with you for Season 6, starting January 5th, 2024. Would love for you to join me and my team at the Spring Retreat. Applications are LIVE to the wait list only THIS Friday, November 24th - you can join the wait list by clicking here. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on RL Radio - NOT going back to the way it was This is the final episode of Season #5. We had a hard time putting a pin in this Season - we had so much fun laughing with each other (and hopefully with you guys as you listened in). I also realize that we bring out the tears in a lot of our listeners, so for that - well, I'm grateful that you were able to grieve and connect and know that we love you all! I wanted us to loop back to Episode #60 where Jason talked about the rubric for living out recovery in life. (Which, btw, for any of you that read this - would you like for us to make a graphic of that rubric?! if so, please email me, subject line podcast and let me know!) We re-listened to parts of Episode #60 before recording this episode and Jason mentioned in that episode that some men want to do life the way they have always done it, minus the acting out. I see this as a huge issue with the clients I work with - this temptation to just go back to the way it was (for him) once he has stopped acting out. So Jason talked through a Rubric that can be used to live life from a recovery mindset. At the end of the episode, one of the questions I had for Jason was: what makes him even *want* to go back to life as it was? We didn't have time to dig into that question on episode #60 so here we are - digging into it now. You're welcome. Jason shares a handful of reasons men want to go back to life as it was before (and I added in one at the end) - what would you add to this list? Fear of wholesale change / Identity shifts. Being "comfortably numb". Ignorance Religion / Faith Being the center of the universe (as the addict) and the desire to go back to that. Arrogance and pride. Shame (including both appropriate biblical shame or toxic shame) I love at the end when Jason said that too many people think recovery is going to meetings. When actually recovery is actually #1 - sanctification and #2 - life work. Boom. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! You can listen to Episode #60 - A Rubric for Living Out Recovery In Life here Jason refers to Pink Floyd and Comfortably Numb - he says they are great theologians - I wanted to ask him what in the world he meant by that - but I decided not to, we will save that for next season. I was mistaken, when I referred to Deuteronomy for the four connectors (mind, heart, body and soul) - I was actually referring to Luke 10:27. Jason refers to the story of Jesus and the invalid in John 5:1-14. I misunderstood Jason during the recording - I thought he was saying that this story DID occur in the Bible. As I was working on the show notes, I couldn't find that story (oh my.). So I clarified with Jason - he is saying that there are some men that are prideful and arrogant and would say to Jesus - "I ain't sick man, I don't know what you are talking about." I'm such a #bibletoddler. Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE but will be closing soon - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on RL Radio - Part Two of Moving Toward Divorce with Elizabeth Picking up where we left off, I start out with a quick recap of what we discussed in part one and then we continue to dig into more of what it looks like to journey well including having hope. Elizabeth mentions this CS Lewis quote - "One day all the sad things will become untrue." In other words - holding onto hope includes keeping our eyes on the end goal and NAMING those end goals. Elizabeth challenged the listeners to pause at some point and really consider - "what is your end goal?" We also talked about separation including a legal separation and if / when that is appropriate. We landed the plane with both Jason and I asking Elizabeth specific questions - I LOVED Jason's question regarding what would have caused Elizabeth to have paused on moving forward with the divorce - as in, what could he have done to have caused her to pause and shift gears. Elizabeth's answer is powerful and something that we ALL need to see from him - laying down all the shiny pieces. We are so grateful for Elizabeth's partnership with us and for her sharing her wisdom with us. And as she said at the end, this conversation will not end so please send us your questions and thoughts! We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! You can listen to our initial interview with Elizabeth, Episode #48, After a Marriage Ends. Elizabeth mentioned John Eldridge's book (which I have not read yet!) - All Things New. Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE but will be closing soon - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, Masterclasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on RL Radio: Moving Toward Divorce - Part 1 We are delighted to have another conversation with Elizabeth from the RLW team! As you will hear, we recorded this episode in May on her, as she said, "would be" anniversary. Oh, the timing. We didn't know this when we recorded the episode, but our podcast producers shared recently that Elizabeth's first time on our podcast (Episode #48, linked below) is the most listened to episode! I am SO not surprised. We received several questions from listeners asking for us to talk more about what it might look like to prepare for divorce if the path forward starts to potentially include that. Elizabeth shared several things to consider including: support, being aware of trauma in the church, having others that will ask the hard questions and challenge motivations (see note below on Psalm 139:23-24), pacing self and journeying well, grieving well (and leaning in like a buffalo), and finally, reclaiming spaces and places and areas of our hearts. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! You can listen to our initial interview with Elizabeth, Episode #48, After a Marriage Ends. After the recording, Elizabeth really wanted to make sure we referenced Psalm 139: 23-24 when it comes to challenging our motivations. She meant to share this during the recording but didn't get to it. Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE but will be closing soon - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on RL Radio - Holding Her in High Esteem How can he hold her in high esteem? Being able to do this is - per Jason, a "quick win" and something guys can start doing today to make a difference in the coupleship and in their recovery. Typically, because of the pain he is experiencing, he will disparage her (to offset the pain). To do this - he needs to focus initially on his own heart and mind - and if he is focusing on her flaws, highlighting her hurts, and bemoaning her brokenness - he is hurting himself and hurting her. Jason gives two strategies to help move toward holding her in high esteem: Where is the Focus? Cross-checking his internal posture toward her as well as how he is presenting her to others. What is the Fix? If the remedy to his pain is HER changing, this will damage the process. Be listening for what you (he) thinks the fix is. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE but will be closing soon - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, Master Classes and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on RL Radio - A Rubric for Living Out Recovery in Life What does it look like to "live out recovery" in day to day life? Maybe he is going to groups, getting therapy, not acting out - which is all great. But sometimes (oftentimes) - that can be all that is different. He is doing life the way he's always done it otherwise. (And side note: this does not promote the rebuilding of trust, safety, or MANY of the things she needs to heal! I'm just not going to mince my words - it simply. doesn't. work. if life doesn't look different. The end.) With that said - Jason has five lenses to look through to help shift from doing life the way it's always been (minus the acting out) to living out recovery in day to day life. My brokenness and how that comes to bear on the situation. My overall story. Threats Assessment. My overall recovery and where I am today. Integration and protecting my wife's heart. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Shelley mentions this recent episode (#52) - Dropping the Rope at the top of the podcast. You can access the Threats Assessment by clicking here and subscribing to the Podcast Freebies. Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE but will be closing soon - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on RL Radio - Holding the Tension Between Two Truths In this episode we talk about holding the tension between two truths. This can be a challenge for men in recovery because of the compartmentalization that occurs with addiction. (A big part of recovery is integration - as in, breaking down those boxes.) Holding the tension between two truths is one of several ways we can work on decompartmentalization. Holding two truths can also help when there is catastrophizing in the recovery process. Jason gives some examples of holding the tension between the two truths which hopefully will help bring this important recovery concept to light. Ultimately, having an awareness of and practicing holding the tension is an important first step as well as writing them down. And for the record, I do feel like I owe Jason an apology regarding the pillow situation. I'm embarrassed by my behavior and once I send off these show notes, I'm going to make sure and talk to him again. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Jason mentions this recent episode (#52 - Dropping the Rope) at the top of the podcast and episode #56 - a "Who Knows" of Hope toward the end. Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE but will be closing soon - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on RL Radio - Thomas's story - Part Two In part two, we pick up with where we left off with one more of Thomas's rock bottoms (in addition to the others mentioned in Part One) that became a pivotal part of his upward trajectory. Ultimately, Thomas hit a place of complete surrender which propelled him toward change, movement and growth. Thomas also shares some of the areas he needed to grow in as well as the lessons he learned + what life looks like today. We are so grateful for Emma and Thomas and allowing us to share Thomas (and Emma's) story with you guys. We look forward to having Emma on the pod sometime soon to get more of her story. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Thomas's Bio Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE for the public today - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on RL Radio - Thomas's story - Part One Trigger Warning: We want to make sure that you protect yourself (and your children) if you choose to listen to this episode. Thomas shares his story, starting from when he was seven years old - exposed to pornography followed by years of masturbation and progressing from there. The first twenty minutes of this episode are heart breaking but also very important and sacred and we are grateful that Thomas and Emma agreed to share their story with us on the podcast. I believe that anyone that listens to this will hear the regret, the remorse, the humility in Thomas's voice. It's real and necessary and ladies - I believe this is what we all need to heal relationally WITH him. I have no links, no resources for this episode - Thomas's story (and Emma's) is what this one is all about. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE for the public today - click here to access the application. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on RL Radio - part three of the Empowerment Miniseries - A "Who Knows" of Hope Oh my goodness, enjoy the first five minutes of the episode as you get a first-hand glimpse into the communication issues that are Jason and Shelley. If you don't need any more laughs in your day, feel free to fast-forward to just shy of five minutes and you'll be okay - except the communication issues persist so, well, buckle up. As for the podcast episode - what we dig into is this: What does it look like for women to go from being a shell of ourselves to who God created us to be on this earth? We talk about what it looked like for me to lose myself before disclosure / discovery as well as the implosion that occurs when it all comes crashing down. Hope is completely lost. And yet… and yet, in the devastation and in the wake, there is an invitation for each of us women to step into a completely different, new life - the life God created us to live. We can leverage the pain and devastation for good. WHAT IF putting ourselves back together (the PROCESS) is how we can move closer to who we were created to be here on this earth? Who KNOWS what God has in store for us!!! There IS hope. So how do we get "there"- there meaning the fullest version of ourselves: #1 - Let yourself fully fall apart. #2 - To look for and take back what is yours to take back - your voice, your feelings, your sanity, what you think / want / need / feel - bottom line: reclaiming your space and your worth. #3 - Asking God: How will you redeem this? We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! I do not see a podcast episode related to women losing themselves. We are officially losing our minds. Genesis 50:20 - Joseph leveraging his pain for good. See the "who knows of hope" in Esther 4:14 as well as in Jonah 3:9. Would love for you join me and my team at the next Retreat. Applications are LIVE for the wait list today + LIVE for the public next week. If you are not on the wait list, click here to access the application starting on May 26th. And if you are reading this much later, I would love for you to join the wait list which simply means you will get early notification to apply to the next retreat. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on RL Radio - part two of the Empower miniseries - Reclaiming What Was Lost {Side note: this episode made me laugh several times while I was doing these show notes. Whatever you do, listen to the very, very end of the episode. Hilarious.} We start by chatting about all the things that were lost: locations, memorable events, the entire marriage, innocence and purity, joy and hope, certain relationships. Basically - it feels like everything. So, what do we do? How do we reclaim what is lost and allow ourselves the space to release what is not worth redeeming? Four things we can do – Name what is hurting, the pain points, the grief. Daniel Siegel says - "we name it to tame it". Tend to the grief: we do both spontaneous grief work and intentional grief work. See below for links to verses! Plus - giving ourselves compassion. Letting God in. Make the choice: what do you want to reclaim and what do you want to release? We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! The two verses I couldn't recall as we were talking live on the pod are 2 Corinthians 1:3-6 and Psalm 126:5-6. Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + articles if you would like access to the worksheet I mentioned on this episode. We will be announcing details for the next RLW Retreat + opening applications on the NEXT episode. To make sure you get all the details - add yourself to the retreat interest list here. For more information on RL Academy, click here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on RL Radio - we start our Empowerment Miniseries - starting with a question we have received multiple times - how can we get over the legitimate fear of seeing and interacting with "attractive" women in public. Because betrayal is an assault on our mind, heart, body and soul - most women feel exposed and discarded and less than. This makes it incredibly scary to go back into public and face other women. As we prepped for this podcast episode, I appreciate what Jason said - "this is going to hurt no matter what". And it's true - this pain we face when going back out in public is awful. But there is hope and we have help. I give three suggestions: Doing the internal work of being okay with you, just as you are. You are unique and you matter, every part of you. In the Moment Strategies / Breaking Point Strategies: seeing women as flawed and human, having boundaries with him early on (i.e., not being in public with him) + having boundaries in the moment if you feel you need extra protection - you get to choose! Maintenance Strategies: calming our nervous systems, slowing down, reconnecting with our bodies, inviting God into our morning to help us get through our day. Just a friendly reminder: you are not the cause and you are not the fix. I don't mention this until the beginning of the next episode - but want to say this here: ladies - there is SO much hope! It doesn't have to be this way forever. As you heal, going out in public WILL get better. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Strategies to help you calm your nervous system - click here and sign up for the Podcast Freebies! For more information on RL Academy, click here. We will be announcing details for the next RLW Retreat + opening applications soon. To make sure you get all the details - add yourself to the retreat interest list here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on RL Radio - we start by talking about adversarial language. Jason gives a lot of examples - "swim toward the sharks", "stand in front of the firing line", "she's on the gurney", "tossing him grenades". Jason then explains some of the reasons this can be an issue including - it makes the wife the enemy and dehumanizes her. It also puts him (the husband) in a passive place versus an active participant in her healing. Instead, we want to encourage husbands to pivot toward this: anytime there is pain communicated is an opportunity for a healing exchange to take place. This happens via integration and intimacy. Jason and I get a little stuck when talking about whether he is avoiding saying something because he is caring for her versus avoiding saying something because of his intimacy aversion. Jason shares a couple of things that can help when the lack of conversation is because of the latter (avoiding intimacy or intimacy aversion) - a shift in mindset in serving her and serving yourself, seeing our call is to move toward pain; and last - seeing the fruit of it. I then add in: having people to support us and encourage us to lean back in. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! For more information on RL Academy, click here. We will be announcing details for the next RLW Retreat + opening applications soon. To make sure you get all the details - add yourself to the retreat interest list here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click ere to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on the RL Radio Podcast - we talk about a place a lot of women find themselves in: doing her recovery work AND his recovery work at the same time. While this might "work" for a while, at some point - she will be exhausted, worn out, and a shell of herself. So what does it look like for her to drop the rope if he isn't doing the work? And one note: dropping the rope and dropping the hammer are two different things. Jason got confused, thought they were one in the same - but they are NOT. We also talk about control and how Jason accused me of being controlling (which is what he accused me of when I so badly wanted our marriage to go in a different direction and yet he was in the thick of his addiction). The three to four things she can work on as she is moving toward dropping the rope: consistent and quality emotional support financial stability or at a place where the finances can be surrendered working toward getting stronger and healing from within holding onto hope - see Hebrews 6:19 and Proverbs 13:12 Ultimately, she is going to get clarity by dropping the rope and THEN she can decide how she wants to move forward. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! If you want to see examples of the T-30 Journal + a check-in (FITNAP) from Worthy of Her Trust and Rescued, respectively, you can click here and subscribe to the podcast downloads. You will get an email with ALL the podcast downloads we have offered to date! Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we will be starting the next class in May, registration OPENS on Saturday, April 22nd. Would love for you to join me! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

This week on the RL Radio podcast - part two of the two-part series on what it looks like when he takes the blame versus what it looks like for him to take ownership. In this episode, we focus on the latter, taking ownership. I love this episode and I hope you love it, too! For a real life example - we discuss our lovely turquoise, tweed couch and how Jason took the blame initially via victim AND martyr. (Ladies - CRAZY making!!!) Here are three principles he can use to pivot from blame to ownership: Ownership happens when there is something bigger than me to fall back on. This begs the question: What is my worth in? Ownership happens when my eyes are on you, not on me. As in: feeling it with her and for her; no excuses made, focus completely on her. Ownership happens when the wrong stands alone. As in: expose it, don't hide it; fully own it. We then talk about what SHE experiences when he owns it + what it does for him when he owns it. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! For a photo of my poor couch - click here. This is just one of the two couches that have been damaged when I've been out of town. Tragic. If you want to see examples of the T-30 Journal + a check-in (FITNAP) from Worthy of Her Trust and Rescued, respectively, you can click here and subscribe to the podcast downloads. You will get an email with ALL the podcast downloads we have offered to date! Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we will be starting the next MasterClass in May! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Welcome back to RL Radio! We are starting this fifth season with a two part series on what it looks like when he takes the blame versus what it looks like for him to take ownership. In this first episode, we break down what it looks like to take the blame. Specifically this can look like taking the role of the victim (think: passive and not even checking the box) or taking the role of the martyr (think: attacking and checks the box but with the wrong heart attitude). What this does to her is exactly what it's doing to him. With the victim role - he becomes MORE powerless, MORE hopeless and it does the exact same thing to her when he plays this role. Likewise, with the martyr role - he becomes more isolated, feels even more punished - and the same applies to her - she feels shut down and punished for even making a request. There is a better way - and it's called ownership. Ownership aides in making the moment healing versus making the moment another painful drop in the bucket. And if, for a second, you think this comes easy to us - it doesn't. Case in point: the beautiful teal tweed couch and the lovely green suede couch. You'll understand in part two next week! We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! An example of the T-30 journal can be found in the back of Worthy of Her Trust. An example of a check-in can be found on page 153 in Rescued. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list.Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this final episode of season #4 - we talk about the importance of him validating the totality of her experience - not just what she has experienced since D-day but before then as well. Here is what we know - women need validation (as they look in the rear view mirror) and view everything as catastrophic before they can look back and see anything that is good. During our conversation - we take some time to talk about equanimity. We talked about equanimity in this podcast if you want to hear more. But Jason said some things in this podcast that I thought were SO validating so I hope you will listen for them. In particular, we discuss this concept of everything being run through the lens of betrayal (when it comes to the marital relationship) and leveraging what we have experienced and using it for good. We also discuss some of the things that make it hard for a husband to validate her when it all feels tainted and in the podcast, we give antidotes for each of these: He fears: "what if she stays there and never sees anything as good or positive from the past?" Activates his shame - "I'm a horrible person." He wonders: "when do I get a voice"? (Holding onto equanimity. WARNING: we camp here for quite a bit!) I love it when Jason said: "the level of injury from all the betrayal (acting in and acting out) overshadows the injury from relational issues…. Everything must run through the lens of betrayal, even today." Him being misinformed: "But I'm not doing it now!" For men that have a performance oriented identity: "I'll never be able to do enough." We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Applications are about to close for the next RLW Retreat, October 6-9 in Scottsdale, AZ. Click here to apply! Interested in a women's support group? Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we will be starting the next group in late September / early October. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

On this episode we have our VERY special and FIRST guest on our podcast, Elizabeth! She is one of our amazing coaches here at Redemptive Living for Women. I'm so excited to share our conversation, as I want all of you women out there to know there is hope for you, whether your marriage survives or not. Elizabeth paints word pictures for us as we discuss her journey of the past five years. From the ideal couple - to betrayal - to hoping there would be change - to being released from holding vigil over a dead thing - to now: being "healthily divorced". Here is a little more detail on the things we discuss from Elizabeth's journey: Meeting and marriage Betrayal discovery Early work, the first few months Developing a community, tribe, safety net Years of separation Prayerfully moving from separation to filing for divorce Who God is calling her to be as Elizabeth, not just as a wife or ex-wife Her passion for journeying with other women during their betrayal recovery We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Elizabeth's bio and contact info is here. Applications are OPEN for the next RLW Retreat! Click here to apply! Interested in a women's support group? Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode we wanted to talk about what to do when he chooses not to do the work. Warning: we get off track a lot. We start with talking about contradictions in the Bible - for instance: Ephesians 4:26 says - Don't let the sun go down on your anger. However, Psalm 4:4 says - be angry yet don't sin. Think about it overnight and remain silent. Contradictions. This applies to the betrayal recovery process in that sometimes its hard to know: do I give him grace? Or do I use the tough love approach? We both agree that the "grace based approach" doesn't work as well as the "tough love approach" when it comes to sexual addiction recovery. This is born out of our story - I initially tried the grace based approach and it did not work. It wasn't until I dropped the hammer that the floor raised for Jason, he saw I was serious, and he had to make a choice. Of course, it's important to note that the tough love approach doesn't always save the marriage, as you will hear about next week on the pod. Here are several of the high points from our talk: 1 - Before dropping the hammer, plead for him to change. 2 - Get Support. 2 - Choose your hard. 3 - Consider the Matthew 18 approach. 4 - Don't jump to divorce out of the gate - start with boundaries. 5 - Ask yourself these questions: What do I need? What do I need to feel safe? What do you have a right to? How can I protect me? We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! The episode on Mid-Recovery (#40) can be found here and the episodes on Early-Recovery (#14 and #15) are here and here. Applications are OPEN for the next RLW Retreat! Click here to apply! Shelley mentions "I Don't Love You Anymore" by Dr. David Clarke - excellent book that I think every wife should read! Interested in a women's support group? Find out more about the RLW Support Groups here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Hi all! We're a little behind on recording, so our next new episode will be out next friday.

In this episode, we talk about how hard it is for her as she is wondering: is he doing recovery work? Or not? Some of the things women wonder about: is he cheating on me today? what if he is just checking the box? is he really living with integrity when I am not around? is he actually applying what we are investing time and money to learn? what is he doing when he isn't with me? is he standing up for me and honoring me when he is with our children? the list goes on… it's a LOT to carry Ladies - I encourage you to journal out: what is weighing on your mind as far as what you are wondering about when it comes to his recovery. We then talk about: what can he do to help with this wondering. It comes down to transferring the burden. Jason gives four strategies men can use to transfer the burden onto him. I also mention some strategies she can use to free herself from this wondering. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Jason mentions being a wife knower - see episode #41 for more on that. Jason also mentions episode #39 on Rebuilding Trust: The Practicalities. You can hear that episode here. Click here to get on the Empowered Boundaries Wait List - we are about to wrap up the current class and will be back with a new class this Fall. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women. Ticket sales go live tomorrow to the public! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

We start this episode with a big announcement - the 2nd RLW retreat will be in Scottsdale, AZ October 6th-9th. I really hope you will consider joining me! Ticket sales go live on July 2nd but we will be opening up tickets to the wait list prior to this date. Click here to join the waitlist. We then get sidetracked talking about some of our favorite restaurants in the Scottsdale area: The Farm at South Mountain, Bandera - which apparently closed this year, and Luci's at the Grove I wanted to start with pinning up a couple of things from the last episode: In particular a bit more of the Story of Joseph which is in Genesis 37 through the end of Genesis. Bottom line: we see a Biblical example of forgiveness and grief and in particular Joseph shows us that we can forgive and then continue to grieve. Fast forgiveness can lead to fast bitterness for women. Jason wanted to reiterate that a husband's heart attitude toward the forgiveness process for her needs to be focused on for her to feel better, not just for him to feel better. We then dig into some handholds that women can use as they work through the forgiveness process. We dig into these six phases of the process: Awareness - owning our feelings, this is the beginning of grief Acknowledgement - name the bitterness, resentment, etc. and see that forgiveness is ultimately the answer - but it's okay to not jump to forgiveness if you aren't ready Empathize and Experience - empathy is key (but keep in mind this can take a long time to cultivate). In regards to experience: this is from the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18- when we experience forgiveness (not just receive it) - it readies our hearts to share it with others. Choice - forgiveness is volitional, it's a choice, it literally means - "to let go" Commemorate and Communicate - doing something to show that you have said your big "yes" of forgiveness and consider communicating this to the one that has hurt you (use wisdom here, depends on the relationship) Continuation - even after our big yes of forgiveness - continuing to say the little yeses. The number of times we forgive is not a numerical standard but rather a heart standard. We will continue to forgive until our heart is at peace. Forgiveness work is a full-time job ladies. And for men listening - please hear me say: she is working HARD to get there. When she is crying and grieving - know that this is what is moving her through and toward forgiveness. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Click here for information on Support Groups - we are working on new groups for 3 Q 2022. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women. By joining the wait list, you will get early access to ticket sales. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we talk about all things forgiveness. This is one of my favorite topics in the betrayal recovery realm and I realize that we are just barely skimming the surface here. I start with sharing a bit of my forgiveness story, just to give all you listeners a bit of context on where I am coming from. Bottom line: initially I saw forgiveness as THE solution and so my second run at forgiveness, I chose to take it very slowly, as I knew I had to do it differently. Some of the other things we chat about: the pressure put on women by our Christian culture to forgive the fears that come along with forgiving - like not being able to grieve or talk about the pain and hurt anymore once we forgive what needs to happen in order to forgive: grief work, knowing what she is forgiving, and getting safe (safety comes before forgiveness) the story of Joseph and how he grieves and forgives interchangeably. Once forgiveness takes place, he continues to grieve. We see in Genesis 41: 51-52 as well as in Genesis 50:20 that Joseph is in the process of forgiving, saying big and little yeses. We see in Genesis 42:24 and 43:30 Joseph grieving (just to name a few instances of Joseph grieving). the difference between grief and unforgiveness: unforgiveness is defined by "the demand for what you owe me" whereas grief is expressing the "pain of how you hurt me". what helps her to be able to forgive: him being forgivable - including humility, contrition, talking about it when she needs to, being willing to say "I'm sorry" - many a times. what does forgiveness look like when he didn't do recovery work and he isn't safe. Sometimes having strong boundaries can FEEL like unforgiveness. Shelley mentions Matthew 18: 21-22 when Jesus teaches that forgiveness, and continuing to do so, is based on our hearts, not on a number. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! "Forgiveness is both an event and a process. It's one big yes followed by many little yeses as the months and years roll by." - Paula Rinehart, Strong Women, Soft Hearts Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location on July 24th! By joining the wait list, you will get early access to ticket sales. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we talk about what to do when he is pressuring her to have sex. We chose to look at this through the lens of desiring for change, healing, and care for her. Bottom line - if he is putting pressure on her to have sex - it''s a signal of something deeper going on within him that needs to be explored. We do a lot of talking and ultimately identify and discuss: 1 - The tells that there is something deeper going on within him that needs to be addressed. 2 - What he needs to do. 3 - What can she do when this is happening. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Shelley mentions the Empowered Boundaries Class a couple of times - you can join the wait list for the next class here. Shelley mentions Leviticus 25:29 toward the end of the podcast when she is talking about homes having more value inside the city walls. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location on July 24th! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we talk about when he is withholding sex during recovery. While this might not be as common as men that will hypersexualize their wives, it's still something that we see and it's important to give space to this piece of the puzzle because it is INCREDIBLY painful and confusing for her. We start with talking about the underpinnings of withholding sex. Jason gives five different reasons that he sees that can contribute to this and I think it's important to note that the intimacy aversion as well as trauma from childhood, I believe, weigh the most as far as underpinnings. We then talk about what she needs in the midst of this: reassurance via cared, adored, loved, etc. This is tricky because a lot of men aren't capable of this early on in recovery due to it being too intimate, too vulnerable, too risky. In addition, she needs to see him actively working on the underpinnings. Finally, we talk about what the couple can do in order to move toward reconnecting sexually in a healthy way. We will be back next week with part 2, looking at the other side of the coin: what to do when he is hypersexual. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Here is a link to the Rescued workbook. Click here to download the Podcast Freebies - we added the building blocks of intimacy graphic. Here is a link to the cow meme I referred to from Instagram. Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Okay you guys - this was another really hard episode to record. We started in our podcast studio (aka my office) and then had to move to our bedroom. Upon setting up camp in our bedroom, we kept getting interrupted - by a puppy, by our children, by a vacuum cleaner. Thank goodness for Mary and Christa, our podcast producers - I am sure they had their work cut out for them on this one. In this episode, we talk about a phenomenon we see in the recovery process where he gets too far out ahead and in effect leaves her behind. This can happen post-disclosure when he has aired his dirty laundry and he feels better. This can also happen when he has done some recovery work and genuinely sees and feels a difference and looks back at her, sees her as being stuck, and implicitly in his communication - he says - "you should come up here". The issue with this is it implies she is the problem in moving through recovery. And oftentimes - she is blamed for not being forgiving. As I say on the podcast, this is awful. If anyone wants it to be fast - trust me, it's her! We explore the reasons motivating him to do this, what she really needs and what he can do to come back to her. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Link to the podcast episode on Shame Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode - our special guest is struggling at the beginning of the episode. It doesn't last long, thank goodness. Hang tight during the first couple of minutes. As for what we talk about: it's all about mid recovery. Such an incredibly important part of the process - it will determine whether you survive versus whether you thrive. We start by clarifying the difference between early-recovery and mid-recovery - here is a bit of an outline: Early Recovery includes: - Formal Disclosure - Boundary Setting - Grieving - Anger - Managing Triggers - Family of Origin work for him - Managing Shame - Insight into his triggers Mid Recovery includes: - Grief cycles are shorter - Triggers can feel worse - Check-Ins not as formal - Him getting a handle on his Acting In - Continuing his Family of Origin work - Experiencing the fruits of forgiveness - Her needing to see him pressing in - this isn't the time to let off the gas - For her - increased weariness oftentimes occurs (process fatigue) - Sobriety isn't in question nor is it the focal point I loved it when Jason said early recovery is oftentimes defined by the don'ts while mid recovery is defined by the do's. Another great quote: "when someone has become friends with the work, you can tell they are living in recovery." We land the plane with talking about some of the specific things that you can be doing in mid recovery. Truly there is a lot of richness in this part of the process. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! See page 3 of the Rescued workbook for the Addictive Cycle which is credit to Patrick Carnes Acting In MasterClass for men can be found here Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode - we give a quick recap of episode #38 (since it's the foundation) and then dig into more of the practicalities of rebuilding trust. Here are five things we focus on: - It's the little things, not just the big ticket things that matter. - Your personal positives can't outweigh the relational positives. - Showing it's on your mind more than it's on hers. - When it's the hardest it counts the most. - Showing it's born out of your character change. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode - we talk about one facet of rebuilding trust. Jason mentions that the lack of trust for her is rooted in fear. I struggle with this (as you will hear at the beginning of the episode) because it feels like the issue is on her (ladies - I am here for you and standing up for YOU). Once we get over that hump - here are several things he can do to love the fear out of her: - Trust is destroyed at her expense, trust is rebuilt at his expense - Jason talks about a hobby that he chose to lose in order to rebuild trust. - A shift in mindset: "What I get to do versus what I have to do" in order to win back her heart. - Shifting from playing to not lose TO playing to win. - Getting out in front of fear: anything that activates fear, is something that you can have a conversation about. The conversation continues as we talk about the importance of him cultivating intimacy as well as developing character traits that she is looking for in order to feel safe, love (not fear) and in order to move through the process. All things that women can expect not because of betrayal but because of who God is calling him to be. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Click here to join the wait list for the Worthy of Her Trust Workshop. Click here to join the wait list for the RLW Retreat for women - releasing the next date and location soon! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode - we talk about sexual intimacy post-betrayal. Here are just a couple of the things we discuss: - Allow it to be wonky and work toward decreasing the pressure to make this part of the relationship perfect - as I (Shelley) mention in the podcast - let it be life work. - We discuss frequency - should it be every 72 hours? What about depriving one another (see 1 Corinthians 7:5)? - Triggers for him and for her when engaging in sexual intimacy. Ultimately - it's important to think of sexual intimacy as an opportunity for us to redefine in a healthy way what is most important. It's not to be transactional, it's not just to get it done - it's to be caring, loving, and a celebration of the greater intimacy we share with our spouse. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Shelley mentions Episode #19 - Sexual Abstinence in the Recovery Process Shelley mentions Episode #33 - Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts (for Women) The Worthy of Her Trust workshop for men is happening this March in TX. Applications close in one week - you can get all the details for that here. There is also a women's retreat happening the beginning of April in Ocean Isle Beach, NC - details are here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode, we are going to skim the surface on how we as adults can protect our children from exposure to pornography. Please know that this isn't a space where we need to judge each other but rather where we can link arms and help each other protect our children. Here are the high points: What is so very important is to be talking about it - we expound on this in the episode and talk a bit about how talking to our children progresses as they get older. Naming shame and developing emotional intimacy - we see these two things as big ticket strategies that will help prevent sexual integrity issues long term. Delay, Limit and Protect - pertaining to technology. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Slides from our recent presentation - includes stats (coming soon!) Shelley mentions Decoding Boys as a great resource for parents of boys. There is also a book by the same author for girls entitled The Care and Keeping of You. Feelings Wheel Pillow Gabb Phone Bark Covenant Eyes Gryphon Router The Worthy of Her Trust workshop for men is happening in three weeks. There is still space available and you can get all the details for that here. There is also a women's retreat happening the beginning of April in Ocean Isle Beach, NC - details are here. Would love for you to join me for an upcoming Boundaries MasterClass for Women - all the details here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

We start with a very quick appliance update even if Jason thinks nobody cares. I know otherwise! As for the episode: Does your husband or x-husband tell you there is no reason to talk about the sexual integrity issue because he doesn't struggle anymore? This is something we hear quite often and it sends red flags off in my (Shelley's) head in a major way. We unpack how this impacts her (it can be super invalidating and scary) as well as what might be driving him to say this (fear, shame, and misinformed theology). We then share a different framework for him to use and that will also be much more reassuring for her. Here are a couple of the high points: - Initially, the addict or dark side and the good man are tangled up with the addict in the driver's seat. It's important to acknowledge that those two parts of him are there. - The early recovery work focuses on extracting the addict from the guy in recovery and focusing on understanding the addict as well as understanding the good man within. As Jason says, a lot of men stop here. - Long range - what we want to do is reintegrate the addict (or dark side) and the new, good man. The good man is in the drivers seat and as Jason says - "with grace and compassion hold that the dark side is apart of us". By owning our sin and our mistakes, we are humbled and able to hold tight to the fact that we need a Savior. This is so incredibly important. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Shelley mentions the Requests for Reassurance Episode #32 - here is the link to it. The Worthy of Her Trust workshop for men is happening this March in TX. Applications are live and you can get all the details for that here. There is also a women's retreat happening the beginning of April in Ocean Isle Beach, NC - details are here. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

Okay, so let me first say - this episode was HARD to record. We had a ton of technical issues and didn't realize not once, twice but THREE times that our recorder STOPPED recording WITHOUT us knowing until 10-15 minutes later. BUT we persevered and we hope something in here speaks to you! We wanted to chat about what it looks like when we come to a crossroad in recovery where we have to choose which way we are going. Are we going to keep fighting and not lose hope? Or are we going to throw in the towel and give up. This (navigating the crossroad) is happening underneath some of the more tangible things that we are doing in recovery like working on boundaries, navigating triggers, etc and I think it's important to name it when it's happening. A couple of highlights: - Men have the greatest capacity to help their wives heal - the one that hurt us the most has the greatest capacity (besides God) to help us heal. - Three keys to navigating the crossroad (for women): awareness including naming the crossroad, making the choice to keep fighting and finally, support from other women. - For men, it's important to also have support as well as focusing on: what is the next right thing? (And truly taking it one small step at a time.) We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! We mentioned Emily P Freeman's podcast - The Next Right Thing. Lovely in all the ways. Jason announced the Worthy of Her Trust workshop happening this March in TX. Applications are live and you can get all the details for that here. There is also a women's retreat happening the beginning of April - details are here. MasterClasses for men start next week on February 8th.. Click here to see all the details. We have a couple of spots left in the new groups starting this quarter for women. Would love for you to join us - these groups are game changers! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this week's episode, we are thrilled to have a special guest with us - our new puppy, Pluto! He was a great assistant throughout our recording. We are happy to update you on our dryer as well as Shelley's continued choices to wear clothing from two decades ago. Moving onto more important things - we talk this week about dealing with intrusive thoughts during the recovery process, in particular for her. Here are some of the things we cover: - Know that this is "normal" and apart of the impact of the trauma. It's not where we want women to stay long-term but it does serve a purpose short term in helping us move through the grief. - There are also plenty of times when we need to contain the thoughts in order to be present and revisit the thoughts later. We give three strategies to help with this containment: brain stop, prayer and vaulting it. - Suggesting she just STOP thinking about the past, looking at evidence of the past, etc. - is harmful. Let this be HER process, not yours. - It can be important to ask the question - is there a gap in safety somewhere causing her to ruminate / obsess during certain situations (when he is at work, goes to the grocery store, etc.)? And instead of asking her to stop ruminating - figure out what she needs to feel safer. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! There are several books we mention during this episode - Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and the Brain STOP can be found on page 22 of the Rescued workbook. Jason announced the Worthy of Her Trust workshop happening this March in TX. Applications are live and you can get all the details for that here. There is also a women's retreat happening the beginning of April - details are here. We have several new groups starting in February. Click here for all the details. Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here. Would love for you to consider taking this with me, please add your name to the wait list so that you are the first to know when registration for the next round opens. (The wait list just serves as a place for those with interest to get the first email.) Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this week's episode, we talk about what it looks like to provide reassurance in the recovery process. Sometimes we as wives will ask questions like - "Is everything okay?", "what is going on?", "are you okay?". Men in the recovery process might see this more as an invitation to "dump" or even an indictment when what she really needs is reassurance of his integrity, the recovery process and honoring her intuition that something feels off. Here are some of the things we cover: - how he can pivot from self-focused to wife-focused - consciously shifting from proving behavior to being engaged in the process - three key areas to cover when providing reassurance We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Applications drop today for the Women's Retreat coming up this Spring - you can get on the list here to get all the details! There will also be a men's workshop in March and you can get all the details for that here. We have several new groups starting in February. Click here for all the details. Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here. Would love for you to consider taking this with me, please add your name to the wait list so that you are the first to know when registration for the next round opens. (The wait list just serves as a place for those with interest to get the first email.) Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this week's episode, we talk about our broken dryer, broken vacuum cleaner and how I (Shelley) still wear my athletic gear from two decades ago. Don't worry, that only lasts a couple of minutes and then we get down to business and dig into what can be done when either during the disclosure process or after (when she is processing and asking questions) - what to do when he doesn't remember certain details of his acting out. Here are some of the things we cover: - When he doesn't remember, it's important for her to see that he is actually trying. We give examples of what this can look like for him to TRY. - We talk about the strategy Jason teaches to his clients when they struggle to remember: Context, Circumstance, Character. - We discuss the best way to navigate when he DOESN'T remember what he DID do but DOES remember what he DIDN'T do. - The importance of women having as much of a definitive answer to her questions as she possibly can - it will help her heal and the marriage heal. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Thrilled to announce that there is a Women's Retreat coming up this Spring - you can find more information here. We have several new groups starting in February. Click here for all the details. Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here. Would love for you to consider taking this with me, please add your name to the wait list so that you are the first to know when registration for the next round opens. Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this week's episode, we talk about the heart behind Full Disclosure. Specifically common misconceptions, who it benefits, what it's for, etc. We didn't want to go into a ton of the logistics of the Full Disclosure process (although we might do this at some point in another episode) - instead, we really wanted to focus on the heart behind the Full Disclosure. Here are a couple of the things we discuss: - The importance of integration - for him to integrate this part of his story into his life - he does this by writing it out and sharing it with others (another man, his wife if she wants to hear it, God). - The importance of her getting to know anything and everything she needs to know (it's her decision) - and ultimately it being something that can restore dignity to her soul. - The importance of getting all the lies and all the secrets out on the table - it's not the full disclosure that ends the marriage, it's the choices he made that might end the marriage. It's typically continued lies that puts the nail in the coffin, not coming to the confessional. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Here is a link to the book I read 18 years ago that was a complete game changer in many ways but was also the book that introduced us to the concept of a disclosure. "Thoughts become clear when they flow over the lips and through pencil tips" - we are still looking for who to credit this quote to! "Confession is the catalyst for change." - I heard Kelly Minter say this recently in a podcast episode of hers and it really resonated with me. MasterClasses for men in January: Empathy and Intimacy Aversion. Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here, registration is currently open for the class starting on January 18th. (The class on January 13th is sold out.) Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this week's episode, we continue with a couple of other listener questions. Get ready for me to not answer Jason's questions and push back on some of what he is saying - he handles me well. Here are a couple of the things we discuss: - Is it possible to enjoy television as a couple? - Could it be true that he has no idea he may be staring at other women in public? - Boundaries to put into place if he IS looking at other women in public. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Malcolm Reed BBQ ReBuild Workbook and Video course MasterClasses for men in January: Empathy and Intimacy Aversion. Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here, registration is currently open for the class starting on January 18th. (The class on January 13th is sold out.) Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this week's episode, we address listener questions. Specifically, we address the possibility of enjoying a beach/pool day without it being triggering (which is the only listener question we got to because it was just too good!). Early on, or even ten years into the process, this can be SO difficult. We discuss a few tips on how to approach a beach/pool day which include: seeing others (& ourselves) as humans, rather than objects; having meaningful conversations to create a plan beforehand, during the pool time as well as assessing the plan afterwards. We hope this episode provides attainable tips and tangible hope in what your recovery can look like when it includes going to the pool and beach. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Handling Her Triggers MasterClass for Men can be found here. Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here, registration is currently open for the class starting on January 18th. (The class on January 13th is sold out.) Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.

In this week's episode we are going to talk about what it looks like to heal from Acting In / Intimacy Aversion. Remember, Acting In consists of the techniques he uses to push her away in order to protect himself. Jason talks to husbands about what it looks like for him to stop acting in. Shelley gives three strategies to help wives protect themselves in the midst of his acting in and thus start to heal from it. We also touch on radical honesty and how powerful this can be in the recovery process. Ultimately, the remedy for him is sanctification and character growth. And if the goal is to become more like Christ, then both sanctification and character growth will follow. This is what she needs to see and this is what will keep him walking with integrity. We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us! Acting In techniques can be found here. Check out Shelley's groups here. Podcast episode where we discuss detachment. MasterClasses for men can be found here, including the Intimacy Aversion MasterClass. The Empathy MasterClass starts next Tuesday, December 7th, click here to register. Info on the Empowered Boundaries MasterClass for women is here, registration opens this Monday December 6th! Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + announcements. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast.