How to Rise Above Trauma with Robert Cappuccio

Challenges, obstacles and painful experiences — these are just some of things life throws our way when we least expect them. But no matter where you are in life right now, remember that you can push past the hard times. You can learn how to rise above life's challenges. And if you feel lost, here's a little secret: help others. Being of service to other people can help you find strength and a way out of your problems.

In this episode, Robert Joseph Cappuccio, widely known as Bobby, joins us to share his inspiring story of defying hardships and helping others. It's easier to succumb to self-sabotage and addiction. But you have the power to make your experiences an opportunity for change and hope. Bobby also shares the importance of helping others, especially as a business owner and leader.

If you want to learn how to rise above trauma and be inspired to become a force of good to the world, then this episode is for you!

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Here are three reasons why you should listen to the full episode:

1. Discover how to rise above adversities.
2. Understand the importance of intention and knowing who you serve.
3. Learn the difference between internal and external customers and why you need to start focusing on the former.

Resources

• Gain exclusive access to premium podcast content and bonuses! Become a Pushing the Limits Patron now!
• Harness the power of NAD and NMN for anti-aging and longevity with NMN Bio.
• Connect with Bobby: Website | Twitter | Facebook | LinkedIn | Instagram
• The Self-Help Antidote podcast by Bobby Cappuccio
• PTA Global
• The You Project Podcast by Craig Harper
• The Psychology of Winning: Ten Qualities of a Total Winner by Denis Waitley

Episode Highlights [05:49] Bobby's Childhood

• Bobby was born with deformities. He was adopted by a man who had cancer.
• After Bobby's adoptive father passed, his adoptive mother entered a relationship with a cruel man.
• Bobby experienced all kinds of abuse throughout his childhood on top of having Tourette's syndrome.
• Doctors had to put him on Haldol, which damaged his brain.
• Yet, Bobby shares that these painful experiences helped him resonate with others and thrive in his industry.

[12:48] How Bobby Got to Where He is Today

• Bobby initially wanted to become a police officer for special victims.
• He almost passed the written and psychological assessments, but there was an issue because of Tourette syndrome. At this time, he started working at a gym.
• Bobby worked hard. Eventually, he caught the eye of the gym owner, Mitchell.
• Mitchell became like a surrogate father and mentor to him.
• Listen to the full episode to hear how Mitchell shaped Bobby and put him on the path to success!

[20:31] Complications from Abuse and Empathy

• Some adults tried to intercede for Bobby when he was being abused as a kid. However, he avoided their help because he was scared of being harmed further.
• You can't just leave an abuser — it's difficult, and even simply attempting can hurt you.
• We should understand that abuse can affect anyone.
• Confident and intelligent women may be particularly susceptible to abuse because they find themselves in a situation they didn't expect.

[28:58] How Abuse Isolates People

• Abusers progressively isolate people by creating enemies out of strong alliances.
• This can make someone lose their sense of self, making them more vulnerable and dependent on their abusers.
• Assigning fault or blame to those being abused will not help anyone.
• If anything, that stops people from coming forward.

[30:34] Help Others to Help Yourself

• Bobby learned how to rise above his traumas and negative emotions.
• His mentor taught him to look beyond himself.
• It was only by helping others find a way out of their problems that Bobby found a way to help himself too.
• He started to focus on helping people who were going through something similar to what he went through.

[33:32] Focus on the Intention

• While working as a trainer, Bobby focused less on the transactional side of training and more on the transformational.
• He wanted to help people find what they need at that moment and give them the support they need.
• By focusing on his intention, he was able to get high rates of retention.
• For Bobby, helping others means understanding their goals and wishes.

[36:12] Bobby's Promotion

• Bobby's exemplary performance led him to a promotion that he didn't want. He was scared of disappointing Mitchell.
• He did poorly in managing his team of trainers, which is when a consultant sat him down and gave him advice.
• Mitchell also had Bobby stand up and speak in team meetings.
• You need to know who you work for and who you serve. When your perspective is aligned with your work, you will bring that to every meeting and interaction.
• Are you taking care of the people you need to be responsible for? Hear how Bobby figured out his answer in the full episode!

[43:14] Lessons on Leadership

• Companies often adopt a top-down mentality where bosses need to be followed. However, a company should not be like this.
• Companies are made up of people. Your business needs to care for your valuable customers, both internal and external.
• Treat your team members with the same level of tenacity, sincerity and intention as your external customers.
• You can accomplish a lot if you hire the right person, set clear expectations and understand each individual's motivations.
• Through these, you can develop the team's capacity and channel it towards a common vision.

[51:19] On Recruiting the Right People

• David Barton hired Bobby to work as his head of training.
• Bobby asked David what two things Bobby should do to contribute the most to the company.
• David wanted Bobby to be a connoisseur of talent and to train them, train them and train them again.
• Bobby brought this mindset throughout his career, and it's served him well.
• Don't be afraid to hire people who are smarter than you.

7 Powerful Quotes from This Episode

'When you know that there's somewhere you want to go, but you don't know exactly where that is. And you don't have complete confidence in your ability to get there. And what a good guy does is they help you go just as far as you can see.'

'We form and calibrate and shape our sense of identity in the context in which we navigate through the world off of one another. And when you're isolated with a distorted sense of reality, and you lose your sense of self, you become highly incapacitated to take action in this situation.'

'So I started focusing on things and a mission and people outside of myself. Who's going through something similar to what I have gone through, even if it's not precisely the same situation? How do I help them find their way out? And by helping them find their way out, I found my way up.'

'I never saved anyone; you can't change anyone but yourself. But the reason why he called me that is anytime someone would think about joining the gym...I approached it from a transformational perspective.'

'And your job is to create and keep your internal customer by serving them with at the very least with the same tenacity, sincerity and intention that you are serving your external customer. If you don't do that, you're going to be shit as a leader.'

'I think the only people who don't have impostor syndrome are imposters. Because if you're fraudulent, you wouldn't engage in the level of self-honesty, and humility, and conscientiousness, to go, "Am I fraudulent; is there something that I'm missing?"'

'Anything I've ever accomplished, it's totally through other people. It's because I hired people that were a lot smarter than me.'

About Robert

Robert Joseph Cappuccio, or Bobby, is a behaviour change coach, author, consultant, speaker and fitness professional. He is a trainer of trainers and at the forefront of the life-altering and ever-evolving industry of coaching.

For over two decades, he has been advocating and pushing the industry-wide and individual shift of perspective in development. Behaviour change is rooted in a holistic approach, not just goals to health and fitness. With his vision, he co-founded PTA Global. It has now become a leader in professional fitness development.

No matter how successful Bobby seems, it didn't start this way. His childhood was filled with neglect, abuse and traumas that could lead anyone on the path to drinking and addiction. Bobby is no stranger to hardship and challenges, but he uses these experiences to connect and relate to others, using his past hardship as a way to help others. Bobby is also the former head of training and development at David Barton Gym, former director of professional development at the National Academy of Sports Medicine (NASM), content curator for PTontheNet, development consultant for various companies including Hilton Hotels, Virgin Active, Equinox, David Lloyd Leisure and multiple businesses nationally and abroad.

With his forward-thinking mindset and work ethic, Bobby champions practical programs that help both corporate and industry personnel, including individuals, get what they truly want. He advocates the process of change mixed in with the mantra of 'you can be free to play'.

Interested in Bobby's work? You can check out his website and listen to his Self-Help Antidote Podcast!

Reach out to Bobby on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram.

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For more episode updates, visit my website. You may also tune in on Apple Podcasts.

To pushing the limits,

Lisa

Full Transcript

Welcome to Pushing the Limits, the show that helps you reach your full potential with your host, Lisa Tamati, brought to you by lisatamati.com.

Lisa Tamati: Welcome back to Pushing the Limits, your host Lisa Tamati here, and today I have a fantastic guest all the way from America again, this man goes by the name of Bobby Cappuccio. And he is a world-famous fitness professional. He trains a lot of the trainers that are out there. But Bobby has an incredible story that I really want to share with you today. So, Bobby was born with a severe facial deformity. And he also had deformed legs, and he was given up for adoption. His mother couldn't care for him, and he ended up being adopted by another man. But he had a very, very abusive rough childhood. He also developed Tourette Syndrome at the age of nine. In all this adversity you'd think like 'oh my gosh, what sort of a life is this guy going to live'? But Bobby has had an incredible life. He's a fitness professional, as I said, he's worked in many gyms. He was the founder and co-owner of PTA Global, which does a lot of the professional fitness development. And he has devised his own strategies and ways of educating people. And his programs are just second to none. When I told my business partner, Neil, that I just interviewed Bobby Cappuccio, he's like, 'Oh, my God, he's a legend in the space.' So yeah, he was really a bit jealous that I got to speak to him. So I hope you enjoy this interview. It's some rough topics in there. But there's also some really great gems of wisdom. And the funny thing is what Bobby is just absolutely hilarious as well. So I do hope you enjoy it.

Before we head over to the show, though, just want to let you know that we've launched a premium membership for the podcast. This is a patron membership so that you can become a VIP member of our tribe, help support the podcast. This podcast has been going now for five and a half years. It's a labour of love, I can tell you. It takes up a huge amount of my time and resources in both getting these world-class gifts for you, and also in study and research so that I can talk really, and interview very well all these crazy, amazing doctors, scientists, elite athletes and performers. So if you want to support us in keeping the show going, and like what we do in the world, and you want to keep those valuable content being able to be put out into the world, we'd love your support. And for that, we're going to give you lots of member, premium member, benefits. So, check it out at patron.lisatamati.com. That's patron.lisatamati.com. That's P-A-T-R-O-N dot Lisa Tamati dot com.

And I just also wanted to remind you about my new anti-ageing and longevity supplement, NMN. I've co-worked together with molecular biologist, Dr. Elena Seranova, to make sure that you get the best quality NMN there is now. I searched all over the world for this stuff, when I learned about it, and researched about it, and how it works and what it does in the body, and there is a huge amount of science on it. A lot of it's up on our website, if you want to do a deep dive into all things NMN and the NAD precursor, then check it out. It's all about longevity. It's all about slowing down the ageing process and even reversing the ageing process.

So if that's something that interests you, and you want high performance, you want help with cardiovascular health, with neuro protection, with metabolic disorders, then this is something that you should look into as well. So check that out at nmnbio.nz, that's nmnbio.nz, and go and check that out. The supplements have been so popular that I haven't been able to keep up with orders. So on some of the orders, there is a bit of a backorder. But bear with me while we will scale up production. But go over and check that out at nmnbio.nz. Right over to the show with Bobby Cappuccio.

Lisa: Hi, everyone, and welcome back to Pushing the Limits. Today I have another very, very special guest and I was recently on this gentleman's show and now we're doing a reverse interview. I have Robert Cappuccio with me. Robert, welcome to the show.

Robert Cappuccio: Oh, thank you. When you say you had a very special guest, I thought you were bringing someone else on.

Lisa: You are a really special guest.

Robert: Had a lot of anticipation like who is this person? What a surprise!

Lisa: Well, you're a bit of an interesting character. Let's say that, throw that.

Robert: Just the microphone.

Lisa: No, I'm really, really interested to hear your story and to share your story with my audience, and to give a bit more of a background on you. And share gems of wisdom from your learnings from your life, because you've done some pretty cool stuff. You've had some pretty hard times and I'd like to share those learnings with my audience today. So Robert, whereabouts are you sitting at the moment, whereabouts are you in the States?

Robert: Okay, so at the moment, I'm in a place called Normal Heights, which is probably a misnomer. It's not normal at all. But it's a really cool, funky neighbourhood in San Diego.

Lisa: San Diego, awesome. And how's lockdown going over there, and all of that sort of carry on?

Robert: Oh, it's great. I mean, on St. Patty's day, I've got my skull from our own green. I've just had a few whiskies. So far, so good.

Lisa: This is a very interesting interview.

So can you give us a little bit of background? Because you've had a very interesting, shall we say, difficult upbringing and childhood. And I wanted to perhaps start there and then see where this conversation goes a little.

Robert: Is there any place you want to start, in particular? How far back do you want to go? Do you want to start from the very beginning?

Lisa: Please go right at the very beginning, because you're intro to your backstory is quite interesting from the beginning, really isn't that?

Robert: Okay, so I was born, which is obvious, in Manhattan, and I moved to Brooklyn early. So I was born, rather deformed. I was born with a significant facial deformity. And my lower extremities, my legs, quite never— like, if you saw my legs now, they're great. I have a great pair of legs at this moment. I'm not going to show you that because that would be a little bit rude. But my legs were kind of deformed and contorted. I had to walk with braces for the first couple of years of my life.

I was given up for adoption. I'm not exactly sure, I have the paperwork on why I was given up for adoption, but I'm not really certain about the authenticity of that story. And I wasn't adopted for a while. So as an infant, I was parentless and homeless and really not well-tended to. I'm not going to get into why I say that because it's pretty disgusting. And then I was adopted. And then my adoptive father, this is kind of interesting, he had cancer, and he knew during the adoption process that he was probably not going to make it. He wanted to make sure that I found a home because nobody wanted to adopt me. Because when they came in, I was physically deformed. It's like, 'Oh, this baby's, it's broken. Something's wrong. Do you have a better baby'? And when he saw that, he thought, 'Right, I've got to give this kid a home.' So he passed.

He passed when I was two. I didn't know him for more than a few months. And I hardly have any memory of him at all. My mother who adopted me, to be fair, she's developmentally disabled, and so she was a single uom with not a lot of skills, not a lot of prospects, terrified. And she basically, I think she met a guy when I was five, who I don't know if there's a diagnosis for him. He was mentally disturbed. He was a psychopath. I don't know if clinically he's a psychopath, but that's pretty much how it felt.

Lisa: You were a child experiencing this. Yeah.

Robert: Yeah, I'm not like, I'm never sure in what direction to go with stuff like this. Never sure what's valid, what's relevant. I spent my childhood in stressed positions, being woken up in the middle of the night with a pillow over my face, having bones broken consistently, and a series of rape, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and just every sort of trauma. Like imagine when I was nine years old, I was diagnosed, on top of that, with Tourette Syndrome. So I was physically deformed, going through shit like that at home. And then on top of it, I started losing control of my bodily functions. I started exhibiting tics, I started exhibiting obsessive compulsive behaviour. At some point, it was uncontrollable, like lack of control of my impulses, of the things that I would say, vulgarity. At some point, the doctors just thought that perhaps I was Scottish.

Lisa: And you're funny as well.

Robert: And they put me on Haldol, which damaged my brain. That and the fact that, it's estimated, I've had at least over a half a dozen major concussions within my childhood —

Lisa: From the abuse.

Robert: — half a dozen to a dozen massive concussions. Yeah.

Lisa: Absolute horrific start into life.

Robert: When I was 10, I started binge drinking. And I thought this will help, this is a solution. But you know what? It's not. It's a little bit weird when you start a story off like this, because in some sense, it's not me being delusional, or Pollyanna, because I tend to think that I'm a little bit of a realist, sometimes too much, sometimes to the point of walking a fine edge between being hopeful and being a cynic. But I have to say that a lot of things that I experienced when I was growing up, turned out to be quite beneficial. It's shaped me in a way and it helped me engage in certain career paths and certain activities that I don't think I really would have sought out, had this stuff not happened. So it's not like me, delusionally trying to create like all silver lining about stuff, it was shit. I understand the severity of what I went through. But I also understand where that led me. And I understand the good fortune that I had of running into certain people that resonated with me, and I resonated with them, largely in part because of my history. I don't think I would have related to these people had I not come from where I came from.

Lisa: So you're talking like people along the way that were, ended up being mentors, or teachers or friends or helping you out and through these horrific situations? Is that what you're meaning, sort of thing that would actually helped you? Because I mean, given a background like that, if you were a complete disaster and drug addict, and whatever, nobody would blame you. You didn't have a good start in life, whatsoever. I mean, look at you now. Obviously you don't have any facial deformities, and you don't exhibit, right now, any of that stuff that actually you were and have been through. So how the hell did you get to where you are today? Because you're a very successful person, you have a very successful and a very strong influence in the world. What, how the heck do you go from being that kid, with brain problems and concussions and Tourette's and abuse and rape and all of that, to being the person who comes across as one, number one, hilarious, very crazy and very cool? How the heck do you get from there to there?

Lisa: Just listening to, I can tell that you're someone who's highly intelligent, perceptive and an amazing judge of humour. So thank you for that. I think a lot of it was quite accidental.

So I had thought when I was younger, that I wanted to be a police officer, originally. And I wanted to be involved with special victims, even before that was a TV show. Brilliant show, by the way, one of my favourite shows on TV. But even before that was the TV show, I thought, if I'm going through what I went through, and it's very hard because I had Child Services in New York City, they were called ACS. They were at my house consistently. But the problem is, I believed at a young age that my stepfather was nearly invincible, like nobody could touch him.

Lisa: You were powerless against him. Yeah.

Robert: And when they came to the house and like, look, I had broken bones, my arm was in a sling. A lot of times, I broke my tibia. They won't take me to the hospital because they thought they would suspect stepdad of doing it. I couldn't even walk. And these people were sitting down, said, 'Well just tell us what happened.' And I somehow knew that, at a critical moment, my adopted mother would falter. She would not have my back. She would rescind on everything she says.

Lisa: She was frightened too, no doubt.

Robert: She was frightened. I don't think she had the emotional or intellectual capacity to deal with the situation. That's all I'll say on that. But I knew once they left, I just knew they couldn't do anything, unless I was all-in. And if anything went wrong, he would kill me. So I would have to just say that, 'Well, I fell.' And it's like, there's no way a fork, like I would go into camp and I would have stab wounds in the shape of a fork. And people are like, 'What happened?' And I said, 'I was walking, and I tripped, and I fell onto a fork that went through my thigh and hit my femur.' It's like, okay, that's just not possible. But I kind of knew. And I kind of felt like nobody's coming to the rescue. And I thought, if I was a police officer, and I was worked with special victims, maybe I could be the person that I always wished would show up for me. But then, there were issues with that. So I think I got like, out of a possible 100 on the police test. I did fairly well. I think I got 103, there were master credit questions. And I thought, right, yeah, I'm going. And then I took the psychological and by some weird measure, I passed, that seems crazy to me now. It kind of seems problematic. I think they need to revisit that. But then when I took the medical, and with Tourette's, it was kind of like, 'Ah, yeah.' It was a sticking point. So I had to petition because otherwise I would be disqualified from the employment police department.

And during that time, I started working in the gyms. And when I was working the gyms, I kind of thought, there's no way I'll ever be as intelligent as some of these other trainers here. I'm just going to make up with work ethic what I lack in intellect. I would run around and just tried to do everything I could. I would try to clean all the equipment, make sure that the gym was spotless. But again, kind of like not like having all my wits about me, I would be spraying down a machine with WD-40. And what I didn't account for is, the person who was on the machine next to me, I'd be spraying him in the face with WD-40 when he was exercising.

Lisa: They still do that today, by the way. The other day in the gym and the girl next to me, she was blind, and she was just spraying it everywhere. I had to go and shift to the other end of the gym, is that right, cause I don't like that stuff.

Robert: I mean, in my defence, the members were very well-lubricated. And so, people would go upstairs, and like there is this fucking trainer just sprayed me in the face. And the owner would say, 'All right, let me see who this guy is. What do you talk? This doesn't even make sense? Who hired this guy?' We kind of had like the old bowl, the pin. And like you could walk up top and look down into the weight room, and there I was just running around. And there was something about someone running around and hustling on the gym floor that made him interested. He's like, 'Get this kid up into my office. Let me talk to him.' And that forged a friendship. I spoke to him yesterday, by the way. So we've been friends for like three decades. And the owner of the gym became kind of like a surrogate dad. And he did for me what most guides do and that is when you know that there's somewhere you want to go, but you don't know exactly where that is, and you don't have complete confidence in your ability to get there. And what a good guy does is they help you go just as far as you can see, because when you get there, you'll see further. And that's what Mitchell did for me. And he was different because I have a lot of adults.

So I grew up with not only extreme violence in the home, but I grew up in Coney Island. I grew up living on the corner of Shit Street and Depressing. And there was a constant violence outside the home and in school and I got picked on. And I got bullied until I started fighting, and then I got into a lot of fights. And you just have these adults trying to talk to you and it's like, you don't fucking know me. You have no idea where I come from. You can't relate to me. When you were growing up, you had a home, you were being fed. You were kind of safe, don't even pretend to relate to me. And he was this guy, who, he was arrested over a dozen times by age 30, which was not why I chose him as a mentor. But he had gone through some serious shit. And when he came out on the other end of it, he wanted to be somebody other than his history would suggest he was going to be, and he tried harder at life than anybody I had ever met. So one, I could relate to him, I didn't think he was one of these adults who are just full of shit. I was impressed at how hard he tried to be the person he wanted to be. So there was this mutual respect and affinity, instantly.

Lisa: Wow. And he had a massive influence. And we all need these great coaches, mentors, guides, surrogate dads, whatever the case may be, to come along, sometimes in our lives. And when they do, how wonderful and special that is, and someone that you could respect because like you say, I've had a wonderful childhood. In comparison to you, it was bloody Disneyland, and so I cannot relate to some of those things. And I have my own little wee dramas, but they were minor in comparison to what you experienced in the world. So how the heck can I really help you out if you're a young kid that I'm trying to influence. And not that you have to go through everything in order to be of help to anybody, but just having that understanding that your view, your worldview is a limited, privileged background. Compared to you, my background is privileged.

Robert: Well, I don't think there's any 'compared to you'. I think a lot of my reaction to adults around me who tried to intercede — one, if your intercession doesn't work, it's going to get me hurt, bad, or it's going to get me killed. There have been times where I was hung out of an 18-storey window by my ankles.

Lisa: You have got to be kidding me.

Robert: Like grabbing onto the brick on the side of the building. I can't even say terrified. I don't even know if that encapsulates that experience as a kid. But it's like you don't understand what you can walk away from once you feel good about interceding with this poor, unfortunate kid. I cannot walk away from the situation that you're going to create. So it was defensive mechanism, because pain is relative. I mean, like, you go through a divorce, and you lose this love and this promise, and somebody comes along, 'Oh there are some people in the world who never had love, so you should feel grateful'. You should fuck off because that's disgusting. And that is totally void of context. I don't think somebody's pain needs to compare to another person's pain in order to be relevant. I think that was just my attitude back then because I was protecting my existence. I've really changed that perspective because, like, my existence isn't threatened day to day anymore.

Lisa: Thank goodness.

Robert: So I have a different take on that. And I understand that these adults were well meaning, because I also had adults around me, who could have probably done something, but did nothing. And I don't even blame them because my stepfather was a terrifying person. And the amount of work and energy, and the way the laws, the structure, and how threatening he was, I don't blame them. And me? I'll probably go to prison. But I don't blame them for their inaction.

Lisa: Yeah, and this is a problem. Just from my own experiences, like I said, this is not even in childhood, this is in young adulthood, being in an abusive relationship. The dynamic of the stuff that's going on there, you're frightened to leave. You know you are going to be in physical danger if you try and leave. So, I've been in that sort of a position but not as a child. But still in a position where people will think, 'Well, why don't you just go?' And I'm just like, 'Have you ever tried to leave someone who's abusive? Because it's a very dangerous thing to do.' And you sometimes you're like, just, you can't, if there's children involved, even, then that's even worse. And there's complicated financial matters. And then there's, whatever the case may be or the circumstances that you're facing, it's not cut and dried. And as an adult, as a powerful woman now, I wouldn't let myself be in a position like that. But I wasn't that back then. And you weren't because well, you were a child. See, you're even more.

Robert: I just want to comment on that a little bit. And this is not coming from clinical expertise. This is just coming from my own interpretation experience. I think, obviously, that when a child goes through this, you would think, 'Okay, if this started at age five, what could you have done?' But a lot of times we do look at, let's say, women who are in severe domestic violence situations, and we say, 'Well, how could you have done that? How could you have let somebody do that to you'? And I think we need to really examine that perspective. Because powerful, confident, intelligent women might be especially susceptible.

Lisa: Apparently, that's the case.

Robert: Because you have a track record, and you have evidence to support that you are capable, and you're intelligent, and you find yourself in a situation that you didn't anticipate. And I think it's easier to gaslight someone like that. Because it's like, 'How could I have had a lapse — is it me?' And it creeps up on you, little by little, where you doubt yourself a little bit more, a little bit more, and then you become more controlled and more controlled. And then your perspective on reality becomes more and more distorted. So I think we have to be very careful when an adult finds themselves, yes, in that position, saying, 'Well, why didn't you just leave? How could you have let yourself very easily?'

It can happen to anyone, especially if you have a strong sense of confidence and you are intelligent, and because it becomes unfathomable to you, how you got into that situation.

Lisa: Looking back on my situation, which is years and years ago now, and have no consequences to the gentleman that I was involved with, because I'm sure he's moved on and hopefully, not the same. But the fact that it shifted over many years, and the control shifted, and the more isolated you became. I was living in a foreign country, foreign language, unable to communicate with my family, etc., etc. back then. And you just got more and more isolated, and the behaviour's become more and more, more radical ways as time goes on. It doesn't stop there. Everybody's always lovely at the beginning. And then, as the power starts to shift in the relationship — and I've listened to a psychologist, I've forgotten her name right now, but she was talking about, she works with these highly intelligent, educated women who are going through this and trying to get out of situations where they shouldn't be in. And she said, 'This is some of the common traits. They're the types of people who want to fix things, they are the types of people who are strong and they will never give up.' And that is actually to their detriment, in this case. And I'm a very tenacious type of person. So, if I fall in love with someone, which you do at the beginning, then you're like, 'Well, I'm not giving up on this person. They might need some help, and some, whatever'. And when you're young, you think you can change people, and you can fix them. And it took me a number of years to work out and 'Hang on a minute, I haven't fixed them, I've screwed myself over. And I've lost who I am in the process.' And you have to rebuild yourself. And like you and like your case is really a quite exceptionally extreme. But like you, you've rebuilt yourself, and you've created this person who is exceptional, resilient, powerful, educated, influential —

Robert: And dysfunctional.

Lisa: And dysfunctional at the same time. Hey, me, too.

Robert: And fucked up in 10 different ways.

Lisa: Yeah. Hey, none of us have got it right. As our mutual friend, Craig Harper would say, 'We're just differing degrees of fucked-up-ness'.

Robert: That would be spot on.

Lisa: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And totally, some of the most high functioning people that I get to meet, I get to meet some pretty cool people. There's hardly any of them that don't have some area in their life where they've got that fucked-up-ness that's going on, and are working on it, because we're all works in progress. And that's okay.

Robert: The thing you said that I really caught is you lost your sense of self, and the isolation. And that is what abusers do, is progressively they start to isolate, and create enemies out of strong alliances and allies. And when you lose your sense of self, and you're so isolated — because as much as we want to be strong and independent, we are highly interdependent, tribal people. We form and calibrate, we shape our sense of identity and the context in which we navigate through the world off of one another. And when you're isolated with a distance sense of reality and you lose your sense of self, you become highly incapacitated to take action in this situation. And you develop, I think what Martin Seligman, called learned helplessness. And I think assigning fault or blame or accusation either to yourself or doing that to somebody else, not only does that not help, it stops people from coming forward. Because it reinforces the mental state that makes them susceptible to perpetual abuse in the first place.

Lisa: Yeah, it's so true. So how did you start to turn around? So you meet Mitchell, Mitchell was his name, and he started to be a bit of a guiding light for you and mentor you, and you're in the gym at this phase stage. So, what sort of happened from there on and? So what age were you at this point, like, your teenage years, like teenagers or?

Robert: I met Mitchell when I was like 19 years old. And what he allowed me to do, and it wasn't strategies, he allowed me to focus outside of myself. Because every emotion, every strong emotion you're feeling, especially in a painful way, resides within you. So if you feel a sense of despair, or you feel disgust, or loneliness, or isolation, or any type of pain, and you would look around your room and go, 'Well, where's that located? Where's my despair? I searched my whole desk, I can't find it'. It's not there. It's not in your outer world. It's your inner world. And what he gave me the ability to do is say, 'Okay. I grew up physically deformed. And despite everything I was going through, my physical deformities were one of the most painful things'. But the irony, more painful than anything else because you could see me out in the shops and go, 'Okay, this is a person who has been severely physically sexually abused, who's suffered emotional trauma'. You could see that as I walk through the aisles, because you say, 'Okay, this is someone who doesn't look right. This is someone who —', and I can see the look of disgust on people's face when they saw me physically. And then there's nowhere to hide, you couldn't mask that. I started thinking, 'Well, what about people who feel that about their physical appearance and they don't require surgery? What are they going through? And how do I focus more on them? How do I take a stand for that person? What's the areas of knowledge? What are the insights? What are the resources that I can give these people to be more resourceful in finding a sense of self and finding their own way forward?'

Lisa: Being okay with the way that they are, because it must be just—

Robert: People are okay with the way they are, seeing an ideal version of themselves in the future. And engaging the behaviours that helps them eventually bridge that gap, where their future vision, at some point, becomes their current reality. So I started focusing on things and a mission and people outside of myself, who's going through something similar to what I have gone through, even if it's not precisely the same situation? How do I help them find their way out? And by helping them find their way out, I found my way up.

Lisa: Wow, it's gold. And that's what you ended up doing then, and within the gym setting, or how did that sort of work out from there?

Robert: Well, I became a trainer. And in the beginning, I was like an average trainer. But I became, what Mitchell called, like the person who saved people. I never saved anyone; you can't change anyone but yourself. But the reason why he called me that is, anytime someone would think about joining the gym, if they would sit down with someone, they approached it from, 'Well, what can we do? Can we give you a couple of extra months? Can we give you a guest pass to invite some —'. They approached it from a transactional perspective, where when I sat down with these people, I approached it from a transformational perspective. 'What did you want most? What do you want most in your life in this moment? And what hasn't happened? What missed? What was the disconnect? Where have we failed? What did you need that was not fulfilled in your experience here and how do we give you those resources? How do we support you going forward?' And it was also like, 'Look, if you w