On Attachment

In today’s Ask Steph episode, we’re exploring a common question: is it ever a good idea to be friends with an ex?While staying connected can sometimes feel comforting after a breakup, it’s not always supportive of healing or moving forward.In this episode, I share some key considerations to help you assess whether a friendship is a good idea, or whether it might be keeping you stuck in old patterns, attachment, or hope.We discuss:Why the desire to stay friends after a breakup is so commonWhen friendship with an ex can work—and when it’s likely to be harmfulSigns you might still be emotionally attached or holding onto hopeThe role of boundaries, space, and healing after a breakupHow to assess whether a friendship is aligned with your long-term wellbeing👉🏼 Register for my free breakup training here

In today’s episode, I’m unpacking why I don’t give the common advice for anxiously attached people to simply avoid avoidant partners.While it might seem like a straightforward way to protect yourself from painful relationship dynamics, this approach is often overly simplistic — and can actually reinforce the very patterns you’re trying to move away from.We explore the nuance that often gets lost in attachment conversations, including why not all avoidant individuals are the same, and how reducing people to labels can limit your capacity to form meaningful, healthy connections.I also share a more grounded and empowering approach to dating — one that centres discernment, self-trust, and clarity around what you truly want and need in a relationship.Explore my website + free resources here.

In this Ask Steph episode, I’m responding to a question I hear more often than you might expect. Someone has done a lot of work on their anxious attachment patterns, they feel more grounded and secure, and now they find themselves with very little interest in dating or relationships.I talk about how this can sometimes be a natural pendulum swing. When you have spent a long time orienting around other people, trying to be chosen, accommodating, and overextending yourself, it makes sense that there would be a period of pulling back. For many people, that space allows for a real sense of peace, self-expression, and reconnection with who they are outside of a relationship.At the same time, I explore how this experience can come from different places. For some, it reflects genuine contentment in their single life. For others, there may still be a protective element underneath it, particularly if being in a relationship has historically meant losing themselves.This episode is about understanding what is actually driving that shift, so you can move forward in a way that is aligned with what you truly want, rather than simply reacting to your past patterns.

In this episode, I’m joined by therapist, bestselling author, and boundaries expert Nedra Glover Tawwab for a powerful conversation on what it really means to have healthy dependency in our relationships.So many of us find ourselves swinging between two extremes — overgiving, people-pleasing, and losing ourselves in others… or shutting down, becoming hyper-independent, and struggling to let anyone in.But what does the middle ground actually look like?Together, we explore the spectrum between codependency and hyper-independence, and how both patterns — while protective — can ultimately leave us feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.This conversation goes beyond romantic relationships. We talk about friendships, family, community, and the importance of having a diverse support system rather than expecting one person to meet all of our needs.We also unpack:Why “healthy dependency” isn’t a weakness, but a fundamental human needHow codependency and hyper-independence develop as adaptationsThe role of boundaries in creating sustainable, respectful relationshipsWhy over-focusing on the why behind someone’s behaviour can keep us stuckHow to stop over-functioning in relationships and recalibrate your energyThe importance of having multiple sources of connection and supportWhy doing the “uncomfortable thing” is often the path to secure relationshipsNedra shares practical, grounded insights on how to move away from extremes and towards more balanced, flexible, and connected ways of relating.If you’ve ever struggled with asking for help, felt resentful in relationships, or found yourself stuck in the same relational patterns, this episode will give you a clear and compassionate framework for doing things differently.Connect with Nedra Glover Tawwab:InstagramWebsitePurchase her new book, The Balancing Act

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question about the fine line between personal growth and the endless pursuit of self-improvement.While healing, reflection, and growth are powerful tools, they can sometimes become another way we reinforce the belief that something about us is fundamentally wrong or needs fixing. When that happens, self-development can quietly turn into a hamster wheel driven by shame, perfectionism, or a sense of inadequacy.In this episode, I explore how to recognise when the pursuit of growth is useful and worthwhile —and when it might actually be keeping you stuck.I also share some reflections on why the deeper goal of healing work isn’t to endlessly optimise ourselves, but to become more grounded, peaceful, and at home within who we already are.Linksstephanierigg.cominstagram.com/stephanie__rigg

Modern dating can be tough. Between apps, ghosting, and the uncertainty that often comes with meeting strangers outside our social circles, the whole process can be seriously activating — and all the more so for those with anxious attachment patterns.In this episode, I share three key mindset shifts to help you approach dating from a place of self-worth rather than scarcity, pessimism, or the need to be chosen.When you date from a grounded place, the focus shifts from seeking approval to assessing alignment—and that change alone can transform your experience of dating.In this episode, I cover:Why modern dating can be particularly challenging for people with anxious attachmentThe importance of getting clear on your non-negotiables and deal breakers before you start datingWhy tolerating situationships and ambiguous connections keeps you stuckThe difference between scanning for red flags and looking for green flagsHow fear-based dating advice can increase anxiety and erode self-trustWhy cultivating your own vitality and wellbeing changes the energy you bring to datingHow shifting from “please choose me” to “are we aligned?” creates healthier connectionsWhy it’s sometimes wise to take a break from dating apps if the process feels drainingLinksFree resources on my website hereRead my blog hereFollow me on Instagram here

In today’s Ask Steph episode, I’m answering the listener question: If you were only going to focus on one thing to start healing anxious attachment, what would it be?While there are many layers to this work, the single place I’d start is building self-worth outside of a relationship.For many anxiously attached people, relationships become the primary place where we seek security, validation, and a sense of worth. But when our wellbeing is tied so tightly to another person, it can leave us feeling anxious, reactive, and out of control.In this episode, I talk about why shifting your focus back onto yourself — your growth, your agency, and your sense of self — can be one of the most powerful first steps in healing anxious attachment.Join the waitlist for the Healing Anxious Attachment Birthday Sale here: https://stephanierigg.com/haa-anniversary-sale-waitlist

If you've been putting in the work to heal your anxious attachment but still feel like you're treading water, this episode is for you. In today's episode, I'm sharing what I believe are the three core pillars of healing anxious attachment — and why the sequencing of that work matters just as much as the work itself.Whether you're just starting out or have been on this journey for a while, having a clear roadmap can be genuinely grounding. Lack of effort is rarely the problem for anxiously attached people — it's about making sure that energy is directed where it will have the greatest impact.In this episode, I cover:Why the mindset you bring to this work is the real foundation — and how approaching healing from a place of shame will undermine everything elseUnderstanding your nervous system and building the capacity to self-regulate (hint: it's about much more than crisis management)Identifying and shifting the negative core beliefs and core wounds that shape your relationships — and why real self-worth is built through doing, not just affirmationsCommunication skills, boundary-setting, and voicing your needs — and why starting here without the previous two pillars often falls flatThe common pitfall that keeps so many people stuck, and what to focus on instead🎉 Join the waitlist for the Healing Anxious Attachment 4-Year Anniversary SaleOn March 16, I’ll be celebrating four years since I first launched Healing Anxious Attachment. To mark the occasion, I’m bringing the course back to its original launch price of US$222 for 24 hours only.If you’re curious, add yourself to the waitlist below — the anniversary offer will only be available for 24 hours and only for those on the list. Join the waitlist at stephanierigg.com/haa-anniversary-sale-waitlist

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question I hear often: If I work on my anxious attachment, but my partner doesn’t work on their avoidant patterns, can the relationship still work?I unpack why focusing on your side of the street is never a waste of time — even when your partner isn’t meeting you there yet. We talk about how healing anxious attachment isn’t about fixing the relationship or managing your partner’s behaviour, but about building self-regulation, self-trust, and clarity.I also explore the two most common outcomes of doing this work: either your internal shifts create healthier dynamics and positive ripple effects in the relationship, or you reach a grounded place of clarity about what you need and whether this relationship can meet you there. Either way, you don’t lose — you gain resources, confidence, and choice.This episode is for anyone who feels stuck waiting for their partner to change and is wondering whether it’s worth continuing to do the work alone.

In this episode, we explore one of the most painful dynamics after a breakup: watching your ex seem “fine” while you feel completely unravelled — and the stories that comparison creates. We unpack why anxious and avoidant attachment patterns tend to process breakups so differently, and why those differences don’t mean what you think they mean.We look at how anxious attachment often shows up as hyperactivation — intense grief, rumination, urgency, and the need to understand what happened — and how avoidant attachment tends to deactivate under stress, sometimes resulting in relief, distraction, or moving on quickly. We also talk about the timing mismatch that can occur, where one person feels everything immediately and the other processes more slowly (or more superficially).The core takeaway: different coping strategies are not a measure of love, worth, or who cared more. And comparing your internal experience to their outward presentation will only keep you stuck.In this episode, we cover:Why comparison after a breakup fuels suffering for anxious attachersHow hyperactivation and deactivation shape the breakup experienceWhy relief doesn’t mean they didn’t careThe common “timing mismatch” in anxious–avoidant breakupsHow to shift your focus back to yourself instead of analysing themIf you’re going through a breakup, you can register for my free breakup training here.

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener who says they generally feel secure in their relationship — except when their partner travels and is physically away. During those periods, they experience intense separation anxiety, spiralling thoughts, and a sudden sense of insecurity that feels confusing and disproportionate.I talk about why distance and absence can be uniquely activating for anxiously attached nervous systems, even when a relationship is otherwise healthy and secure. We explore how separation can trigger old attachment wounds around abandonment, uncertainty, and loss of felt safety, and ways that you can support yourself both individually and relationally to better handle these challenges.

Attachment theory has become a widely used framework for understanding relationship patterns — but it’s often misunderstood, overextended, or treated as a complete explanation for human behaviour.In this episode, I revisit the foundations of attachment theory to clarify what attachment is actually designed to explain, what attachment styles describe, and where the limits of the framework are. This is a back-to-basics conversation intended to bring nuance and accuracy to how we use attachment language — especially in romantic relationships.In this episode, I cover:What attachment styles are really describing: relational stress and our habitual responses to itWhy attachment styles are not fixed, mutually exclusive categories — and how spectrums work in practiceHow attachment patterns are contextually responsive and can shift across different relationshipsWhat attachment theory explains — and what it was never meant to explainHow our attachment blueprint shapes our internal working model, even beyond close relationshipsWhy attachment is best used as a tool, not a totalising explanation for yourself or othersIf you’ve ever felt confused, boxed in by attachment labels, or frustrated by how attachment theory is used online, this episode offers a clearer and more grounded way of thinking about it.Take my free attachment quiz

In this Ask Steph episode, we explore one of the most common (and understandable) questions in anxious–avoidant dynamics: what actually helps an avoidant partner feel safe enough to open up emotionally?If you tend toward anxious attachment, it can feel deeply unsettling to sense that parts of your partner’s inner world are closed off to you. That can create a strong pull to try harder, ask more questions, or push for emotional access — often with the hope that if they open up, it will mean you’re finally “enough.”In this episode, we unpack why that instinct can backfire, and what genuinely supports emotional safety instead.

Situationships can feel exciting and full of potential, but over time they often become a source of anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt. In this episode, I explore why situationships are so hard to walk away from — particularly for people with anxious attachment — and why clarity can feel more threatening than staying in something uncertain.We look at how hope, ambiguity, and emotional breadcrumbs keep people invested in connections that aren’t actually meeting their needs, and why “waiting to see what happens” is often a form of self-abandonment rather than patience. I also talk about the nervous-system dynamics at play, and how these situations can keep you stuck in a cycle of overthinking, longing, and self-doubt.This episode isn’t about forcing commitment or issuing ultimatums. It’s about building the self-trust and self-respect required to stop participating in dynamics that keep you in limbo, and learning how to choose relationships that offer consistency, clarity, and emotional safety.LinksRegister for my free training on How to Heal Anxious Attachment & Finally Feel Secure in Life & LoveVisit my website

In this Ask Steph episode, I’m answering a listener question about why old feelings can resurface when you re-enter the dating world, and what to do when that catches you off guard.In this episode, we explore:Why missing your ex after a breakup can show up later, not earlierHow dating again brings up fresh comparisons — and why that’s so normalThe difference between missing your ex and missing familiarity, comfort, or routineWhy comparing a new connection to a long-term relationship is often distortedHow not to spiral or make meaning out of these feelingsWhat to do instead of panicking or second-guessing your breakupIf you’re otherwise excited about someone new and this has thrown you, this episode is a reminder to slow down, stay grounded, and trust that this experience doesn’t have to mean anything is wrong.LinksGoing through a break-up? Register for my free breakup training here.If you’d like to submit a question for a future Ask Steph episode, I collect them via my weekly Instagram Q&A — come find me there and drop yours in.

In this episode, we explore the belief that if someone truly loved you, they would have changed — and why this story so often keeps people stuck in self-blame, rescuing, and self-abandonment. We look at the saviour complex, how it develops, and why real change has far more to do with timing and capacity than with how lovable or devoted you are.In this episode, we cover:Why “if they loved me, they would’ve changed” is such a convincing storyHow the saviour complex shows up in relationshipsThe line between compassion and self-abandonmentWhy people change when they’re ready — not when we love harderIf this resonates, you can register for my free training on healing anxious attachment here.

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question that will feel very familiar to anyone with anxious attachment: How can I be certain that my new partner will be better for me than my last one?On the surface, this question makes sense. After being hurt, blindsided, or disappointed in past relationships, of course we want reassurance that it won’t happen again. But underneath it, there’s often a deeper issue at play — a lack of self-trust, and an anxious belief that it’s our job to prevent pain by being hyper-vigilant, prepared, and on guard.In this episode, I unpack why this question, while understandable, can actually keep you stuck in anxiety rather than moving you towards healthier relationships. We explore the difference between discernment and hypervigilance, and why trying to “de-risk” relationships often backfires.Rather than aiming for certainty or guarantees, this conversation invites a shift towards trusting yourself — your capacity to notice, respond, self-advocate, and take care of yourself as relationships unfold.

A secure relationship isn’t one where nothing ever goes wrong — it’s one where the foundation is strong enough to hold the hard stuff. For many people (especially those with anxious attachment), insecurity doesn’t come from being “too sensitive,” but from being in dynamics that lack safety, consistency, or clarity.In this episode, I break down five key qualities that tend to be present in secure relationships, and how they actually feel on a nervous system level.I cover:What emotional safety really looks like (and what it doesn’t)Why trust is about reliability and consistency, not just honestyHow secure couples approach conflict and repair after ruptureWhat it means for a relationship to be a secure base rather than a constant projectWhy shared vision and felt commitment are essential for long-term securityWhether you’re assessing your current relationship, healing after an insecure one, or wanting to understand what you’re moving towards, this episode offers a grounded framework for what relational security is built on — and what helps it endure.Explore my couples course, Secure TogetherFree resources for building secure attachment

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question about wanting more words of affirmation from a partner — but not wanting to feel like you're constantly asking for it. This is a really common tension, especially for people with anxious attachment. On one hand, words of affirmation genuinely matter. On the other, asking for them can feel exposing, needy, or like you’re trying to force something that should come naturally.In this episode, I unpack why this dynamic is rarely about someone “withholding” affection, and how the way we ask (or don’t ask) can either make it feel safer or riskier for our partner to express verbally.Rather than offering scripts or communication hacks, this conversation focuses on the deeper relational pieces that often get missed — including how we receive affirmation, how defensiveness shuts down vulnerability, and what it means to take responsibility for your needs without self-abandoning.

Break-ups are painful — but often, the way we try to cope with that pain can quietly keep us stuck in it for much longer than necessary.In this episode of On Attachment, I walk through five of the most common ways people unknowingly self-sabotage after a break-up, particularly those with anxious attachment patterns. These behaviours aren’t a sign that you’re doing healing “wrong.” They’re understandable coping strategies that make sense in the context of loss, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm — but they don’t always serve us in the long run.Rather than shaming or pushing yourself to “move on faster,” this episode invites you to bring awareness to where your energy is going after a break-up, and how to gently redirect it in ways that actually support healing.In this episode, we explore:Why obsessively replaying the relationship can keep you emotionally tetheredThe belief that you need closure from your ex in order to move onHow romanticising the relationship in hindsight distorts realityWhy comparing your healing to your ex’s is a losing gameThe cost of continuing to be each other’s emotional support personAt the heart of all of this is a simple but challenging truth: healing after a break-up requires turning towards your own pain, rather than trying to solve, analyse, or bypass it.This episode is for you if you’re going through a break-up and feel stuck in rumination, comparison, or hope that’s keeping you anchored to the past — and you want a more grounded, self-compassionate way forward.ResourcesClick here to register for my free breakup training