Learning How To Be Old

At 86 I'm hungry for role models who show me how they manage life in their 90s. Rachelle Calkoen may be 102 but she is more engaged with the world, more curious than many people half her age. I hope you get as much joy from her story as I do. If so, please tell a friend about this podcast so they can also be inspired. Today I’m learning how to be old from someone with a track record: the fabulous Rachelle Calkoen. She was born in 1923, in Holland. I interviewed her four years ago, for my play, The Secret Lives of Extremely Old People, when she was only 98.  The other day I was having a cup of tea with her and she kindly gave me permission to use part of that conversation for this podcast. Coming up shortly. She said very little had changed for her since then, and she certainly looks the same (wonderful) and her voice sounds the same (musical). She still has the same problems: words — she can FEEL them in her mouth, but they won’t come out; and the same pleasures: birds and people and books and clocks and life itself. She’s 102, with a mind and heart wide open. She is curious! She’s up for new stuff! Some things annoy her but I don’t think anything bores her. Anyway we can never BE her but that’s what I’m learning from her: to crank up that curiosity engine. An extremely long life is inevitably interesting. We learn something of her childhood in Holland followed by the horrors of the German occupation. Her university year in Geneva under Professor Jean Piaget and idealistic early career. Her marriage and emigration to New Zealand 75 years ago. But I'm especially interested in her personal experience of life as an extremely old woman, because she is my curious centenarian role model. A centenarian's practical advice (A sturdy centenarian) ‘Keep your eyes open – and leap into the future’: 100 centenarians’ 100 tips for a life well lived (The Guardian)

Hey, I went carless years ago, otherwise I might be thinking these thoughts: I've been driving safely for 50 years and never had a crash, so how dare you say I'm a danger to shipping? Why do I have to have a cognitive test? Animals beginning with A? Ridiculous. How am I going to get to choir if I can't drive? Why won’t my son let me drive my mokopuna to soccer? And, um, what are those things called buses? These may sound familiar if you are starting to wonder whether you should be driving any more. Part of learning how to be old is learning to drive safely as long as possible, and how to recognise when you need advice or help. Fact is, everything changes over a lifetime of driving: roads, rules, cars, and our bodies, brains, needs and circumstances. Therefore we can't just carry on driving the same way forever without a review. So I talked to Hariata Hema. Her role in Age Concern New Zealand is to run the Staying Safe Refresher Driving Course all around New Zealand, along with a small team. This is a one-day course to update your driving knowledge and also tackle those painful personal questions. What has Hariata Hema taught me about driving safely even when you're old? Be honest with yourself, and think ahead, don’t wait for disaster to strike, be pro-active. And if you live in Aotearoa New Zealand, ask your local branch of Age Concern about their various courses, and especially the Staying Safe Refresher Driving Course. Short and oh so helpful and maybe necessary. By the way, Hariata is 70, so she understands what is involved in driving safely into old age, not only professionally but also personally. Age Concern's Staying Safe Refresher Driving Course AA research on older drivers Starting and stopping—writing? driving? living?

Meena Kadri is only 56 but she already has activities that will be fun in old age. She gets great pleasure from activities with friends who are decades older than her. They inevitably show her different ways of being old, and they bring surprising stories and wisdom and fun to their conversation. That's one reason why Meena knows heaps about how to be old, and has no fear of old age. She’s learned from weaving and aquajogging with older women, and from hanging out with her 98-year-old uncle in Bombay. In this episode she also talks about the feng shui of park benches, and a workshop run by an octogenarian that alerted young designers to the needs of older people. I think you'll enjoy meeting Meena — and if so, do share her interview with a friend. Wellington City Council Hydrotherapy pool Park benches placed for conversation in Korea https://www.flickr.com/photos/meanestindian/ (Meena Kadri's amazing photostream on Flickr)

Look, you don't want to fall over, do you, especially if you're old and your bones are brittle. Luckily there's plenty of scientific evidence about how to build our strength and balance, and proof that it really works. Adrian Pretorius's work helps to keep hundreds of people out of hospital. He’s got tips, apps, and evidence which will help us to stay upright. And if you do fall over, you don’t want to get stuck on the floor or break something so that we land up in hospital. Personally, I’m very keen on avoiding that, aren’t you? Adrian has even got advice about that. New Zealand's Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) has this goal for New Zealand residents: Live stronger for longer — prevent falls and fractures. Look for the low cost community-run Steady As You Go classes. NYMBL, an ingenious app, is free for all New Zealand residents over 50. Once last year I just fell over regardless, for no apparent reason, with no obvious cause. I didn't trip, slip, lose my balance, twist or stumble: I just felt as if someone popped the balloon of me and I collapsed. But thanks to one harmless and simple strategy, I fell softly and didn't hurt myself. So of course I asked Adrian to share this message: you can do this too. No guarantee! I'm well aware of that. But once learned, I've never forgotten it and I hope I never do. Fall softly! (After all, that's what children do.) So far, so good.

Here's a very special discussion I recorded a couple of years ago with Judith Fyfe. As a trailblazing oral historian in New Zealand she has vast experience in recording the voices of older people, for example, World War I veterans and our centenarians. As a young journalist and talkback host, Judith Fyfe started to learn the necessary skills of listening with intelligence. Today she is still listening with purpose and empathy in her job as as a forensic lawyer. Listen carefully to Judith Fyfe, because she shares some fascinating insights, practical and profound. She has a strong sense of just how precious is the sound of very old people speaking — not just the stories they tell but their fascinating use of language and interesting voices. I hope you might be inspired to ask someone old to let you record their stories. It's a very significant work, usually bringing joy to both parties. Also it's so much easier now, starting with a cellphone and a microphone. But first, listen to Judith's advice. She is terribly modest, but she is the real deal. Oral history and sound archive, New Zealand National Library The birth of talkback radio in New Zealand War Stories Our Mothers Never Told Us — NZ Film on demand

I asked about New Year resolutions (if any) from strangers from 24 to 50. I find that we all do this thing (or don't do it) our own way. Your goals may be big or small, general or specific, and you may or may not achieve them. That's fine! New Year is an excellent time to think about your life and what you might like to change. That's valuable, regardless of whether you manage to achieve those changes. Yours is not the unexamined life that Socrates so despised. But I forgot to ask old people! If you're nearly 70s or older, have you noticed changes in your New Year resolutions as you age? Are your aims and values different? Please do tell! The easiest places to comment on this podcast: on the YouTube video version on my website: writeintolife.com/podcast on Substack, where I HOPE to remember to post a link to the podcast ... soon!

Teenage diaries tend to be brave, passionate, exploratory, funny and heartbreaking. Senior diaries enrich your life with the clarity, compassion, and wisdom you have gathered over the decades. Writing a diary in old age is a chance to stretch your mind, express yourself, record events, have fun, and make sense of your life. Writer-podcaster Tracy Farr co-founded the Bad Diaries Salon and is the author of three novels, including the brilliant Wonderland in 2025. She knows a lot about diaries and aging. You kept your teenage diary secret for good reason: but a diary at any age brings many rewards. It's a trusted confidant, a creative outlet and a close friend. You wrote it as a strictly one-way communication, but when you're older, you can look back and see that your life has had a shape, a direction. That you have learned a great deal over the decades. And that your young self was not exceptionally foolish, but just, well, young! You'll hear about Tracy's own long-lived grandparents who were her role models for old age. She talks about eight years of Bad Diaries Salons, where writers read bits from their early diaries. What's the difference between diaries or journals and social media? Who are you writing for and what happens to your diaries when you die? We talk about Dr James Pennebaker's influential work on expressive writing and how it relates to diary writing. Why and how does this simple 3- or 4-step process help so many people to function well and stay healthy? Pennebaker unpicks the process of writing (as opposed to thinking) for some fascinating answers. Writing a diary or journal when you're older can help you make sense of your life. You can see development, change, patterns. Perhaps you will see that your life is not just a patchwork of random events, but a story with a theme. And it's not over: senior diaries enrich your life, and it's never too late to start! Bad Diaries Salon Am I too old to start a diary? Debunking Age Myths All the reasons and encouragement you need. Tracy Farr Author Review of Wonderland by Paula Morris on NZ Review of Books Expressive writing can help your mental health, with James Pennebaker, PhD (interview on podcast Speaking of Psychology) Therapeutic Journaling University of Wisconsin, Madison

Dancing as you age is starting to get traction as a belief. Silver Swans, social dancing, old time dancing, Barre — multiple groups for older dancers are spreading throughout the world. Diversity in dance finally includes old people dancing, even in public! Cancer nudged one-time dance educator Jan Bolwell out of her job and into a new life as a dancer, playwright, actor. For the last 26 years she's been the legendary leader of the Crows Feet Dance Collective. These women over 35 dance every week for a new show every year. I've been a member for 20 of those years. We're a mixed bunch when it comes to training (from zero to professional) and skills, but we all dance for the love of it. Abilities change with age and that's OK At 86 my difficulties with memory, slow reflexes and balance are becoming obvious, but there's usually still a place for me in the back row. Many members are in their beautiful prime of life but others have sore knees, sore backs, osteoporosis... Stop me, you get the picture. Jan and other empathetic choreographers (including , this year, Anna Groves, Carolyn McKeefry, Tania Kopytko and Sacha Copland) bind us together into a community, tightly knit as friends who dance together. Dancing is different in old age. But you can dance sitting down, dance just with your feet or eyes or creaky old hands if nothing else works. It's terrific to have an activity which you adore and which you can carry on from 2 years to 92 years. (That's my plan.) A few examples of dance groups for older dancers Creating Dance with Elders, and How to See It (Illinois Theatre) ENBEldersCo English National Ballet Crows Feet Dance Collective Silver Swans (Royal Academy of Dance) Rebound Dance Company Christchurch Australasian Dance Collective Mature Artists Dance Experience (MADE) I could add hundreds and thousands of other dance groups: it's a thing! And Jan Bolwell started one of the first on that list with Crows Feet Dance Collective.

Christmas is here now — and almost everywhere around the world. But how have your own celebrations changed over the years? How has your role changed and has your attitude towards Christmas changed? Are you more religious or spiritual now than you were 20 years ago? Why has this particular religious festival gone viral? Why do various non-Christian nations celebrate Christmas with a public holiday? How does Christmas vary in different countries? Above all, what does Christmas here and now mean to you? I asked random people this question on Cuba Street, Wellington, and they were mostly in agreement — but with some surprises. And of course I have my own opinions. Observance of Christmas by country (Wikipedia) An old-person Christmas tree (Writeintolife.com) Home alone on Christmas Day, 2015 (Writeintolife.com)

My big sister Jill Nuthall learned skills as a child that were invaluable in her career as a social worker. To realise just how damn good you were in your long working life: write about it! She talks about the people-skills she learned as a child, particularly leadership and team work. These big-sister skills were the foundation for what became a fascinating career as a social worker. Why did Jill enjoy her working life so much? After marrying young, having four children, and living in a stimulating environment in Urbana Illinois, in 1966 Jill became an at-home suburban wife back in Christchurch, Aotearoa New Zealand. Her husband went off to his wonderful job every day and Jill felt stifled and was longing to have her own career. To get a qualification, use her talents, be with grown-ups again. (By the way, that certainly didn't stop her from being a terrific mother and homemaker.) When her youngest started school, she was delighted to be able to start on a long working life. It was by writing a memoir that Jill calls "A Joyful Working Life" that Jill spotted certain themes that ran through her life. At the time, her career seemed like a patchwork, a crazy quilt. But in retrospect, it had a definite shape. She recommends that others do the same thing. If you look back and write about your working life, this can help you to understand what skills you have accumulated and to appreciate what you have achieved. It gives your family a record of your working life and can help you to make sense of all those years at work. Win-win! The episode ends with me reading "A poem for my big sister Jill." I still find it hard to read this one without choking up, and this time I almost made it. Thanks for listening! And if you like my podcast, please tell a friend Suburban women in 1960s New Zealand Poetry book that contains the poem for my big sister. And all big sisters.