Breaking Bread Podcast

Aren't options great? So much to choose! Yet Kathy Knochel brings a surprising twist to the bliss of options. In this episode of Breaking Bread, she will help us see the shadow of options and the surprising value that comes by way of commitment. Commitment frees us in two ways. It frees us from and it frees us to. It frees us from options which frees us to focus. It frees us from distractions which frees us to invest. It frees us from paralysis which frees us to purpose.

Attention is currency. It has purchasing power. No one needs to explain this to Facebook, Instagram and Snap Chat of course. But for those of us who spend our attention a little here and a little there, we may be surprised to discover attention is not just petty cash. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Arlan Miller and Matt Kaufmann connect the dots between what we pay attention to and who we become. Wonderfully, hope grows large. God intends to use our attention to grow us into the likeness of Christ. "But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord." 2 Cor 3:18

Marital distress happens. Pain will occur. And when it does, our attachment styles will kick into full gear. Soon we will be behaving according to a script that was written a long time ago. However, these powerful scripts can be rewritten. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer explains what attachment styles are, how they are written, how they can be rewritten and the difference it makes in the marriage relationship. Four Attachment Styles: Secure Attachment – when distress occurs, pain shared in relationship and soothed through the relationship. This attachment style is healthy. The Past: Often a secure attachment is constructed when caretakers have not dismissed emotions from children nor have they catastrophized matters. Avoiding Attachment – when distress occurs, the avoider turns down its volume by moving away from relationship and does not seek soothing for the distress from spouse. This attachment style is unhealthy. The Past: When in distress, a child seeks soothing from caretaker but does not find it. The caretaker is not present, or is overwhelmed. The child learns independence and internalizes the struggle. Pleaser Attachment – when distress occurs, the pleaser turns up its volume and pursues the relationship in an anxious and hypervigilant way. Distress is only soothed when the spouse is pleased. This attachment style is unhealthy. The Past: When a child was in distress, it intensified distress in caretaker. Child learned that they were responsible for the pain in others. Vacillator/chaotic attachment – when distress occurs, responses are very unpredictable. Matters can be exaggerated or underappreciated. This attachment style is unhealthy. The Past: When distress occurred in childhood, confusion played out. Addiction or abuse may have been present. When distress in your relationship turns unhealthy, seek to do the following. Recognize what happens internally when you are distressed. Do you pursue? Avoid? Vacillate? Seek to make space for the distress you feel and slowing down the automatic script. Understand your spouse engages with distress according to an attachment style also. Seek to share with your spouse the automatic script that plays out when you are in distress and acknowledge how this can be unhelpful for your spouse. Express your desire to learn a new and nonreactive way to relate to your spouse that soothes distress through relationship. Accept that this process of rewriting scripts takes time. Resources: One easy and quick way to identify your attachment style is to take the following quiz – The Love Style Quiz. This quiz takes about 15 – 20 minutes to complete and is designed to help you discover your primary attachment style. How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage Authors: Milan & Kay Yerkovich This book seeks to show how early life experiences create an underlying blueprint that shapes your beliefs, behavior, and expectations in your marriage. The authors identify four styles or blueprints and provide principles to help you break free of negative patterns and enhance intimacy.

I should know by now that yelling seldom works. Moreover, it most often works against me. Fortunately, we don't have to be screamers. On this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter explains how an introspective person makes gains on his/her anger. Emotions respond to an impetus and fuel a response. While some emotions fuel a deactivation of our system, anger activates our system. The impetus' that provoke anger and the response it fuels are often constructed from our past experience with the emotion. Gains can be made in controlling our anger. They will require slowing down and being introspective. Notice your triggers. What situations provoke anger in you? Examples: words or phrases, facial expressions, kids, spouse, authority Notice your body. What sensations occur before anger sets in? Examples: shortened breathing, heat flash Notice what is beneath the surface. Anger is a secondary emotion. It responds to deeper emotions. Examples: shame, hurt, insecurity, loss, etc. Notice what your anger is attaching itself to. Example: Do you think you are angry at your child when you are actually angry at yourself? Notice the degree to which you personalize comments and situations. Do you exaggerate negative feedback? Example: When challenged, do you leap to the erroneous conclusion that you are not liked? Notice the thoughts you think to yourself after the impetus and before your anger. Anger will play on these thoughts. Are they true? Example: When your child makes a poor choice, do you think "he will never turn out!" This erroneous thought will not properly inform your emotions.

Solomon the wise said, "He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty." Those of us who have lost the battle of self-control know just how mighty "the slow to anger" are. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter helps us understand the emotion of anger. He explains its purpose, how it works and how to live wisely in your own experience so that you might be slow to anger.

The church is God's family. To participate in church, is to participate in "together." What if "together" is difficult for you? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kristen Schwind and Ron Messner give voice to the introvert in church. They highlight both the weaknesses and the strengths our personalities pose in how we experience the "together" aspect of church. Who is an introvert? A person who finds solitude as life-giving and human interaction as life-expending. Who is an extrovert? A person who finds human interaction as life-giving and solitude as life-expending. How can introversion in the church be challenging? Fellowship can be difficult. By being reserved, individuals can be misjudged as aloof or uncaring. By being reserved, individuals can be passed over for duties. By not being always present, individuals can be misjudged as uncommitted. How can we walk in an understanding way towards the introvert in church? Be a safe person to talk to. Use their gift of listening and employ them in discipleship opportunities. Learn from their ability to find life in solitude. Provide structure in social settings. Corporate worship, small group Bible studies, committee work and various church duties are excellent examples of this. What encouragement is there for the introvert? Be careful not to fall into isolation. Challenge yourself to step out and engage the community of the church. Make full use of the structured social events such as worship, teaching and more.

The church is God's family. To participate in church, is to participate in "together." What if "together" is difficult for you? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kristen Schwind and Ron Messner give voice to the introvert in church. They highlight both the weaknesses and the strengths our personalities pose in how we experience the "together" aspect of church. Who is an introvert? A person who finds solitude as life-giving and human interaction as life-expending. Who is an extrovert? A person who finds human interaction as life-giving and solitude as life-expending. How can introversion in the church be challenging? Fellowship can be difficult. By being reserved, individuals can be misjudged as aloof or uncaring. By being reserved, individuals can be passed over for duties. By not being always present, individuals can be misjudged as uncommitted. How can we walk in an understanding way towards the introvert in church? Be a safe person to talk to. Use their gift of listening and employ them in discipleship opportunities. Learn from their ability to find life in solitude. Provide structure in social settings. Corporate worship, small group Bible studies, committee work and various church duties are excellent examples of this. What encouragement is there for the introvert? Be careful not to fall into isolation. Challenge yourself to step out and engage the community of the church. Make full use of the structured social events such as worship, teaching and more.

The communication process is hard enough with just words. Add emotion to the mix and sometimes we might as well be speaking a foreign language. This is because the present moment meaning we attribute to emotions has been constructed in the past. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer untangles the knot spousal communication can find itself in because we are not decoding the emotions in the room correctly. There are six basic emotions common to all people: happiness, sadness, surprise, shame, anger and fear. Each of these emotions has a lot of shades. For example, anger spans from irritation to rage with many experiences in between. The meaning we make out of emotions is not common among all people. For example, anger for one person means something different to another. The meaning we make out of emotions was constructed in past experiences. For example, how a person did or did not experience soothing when anger arose in their past largely formed up the meaning they attribute to anger today. In marriage relationships, emotional messages can get mixed and can set off an unhealthy cycle of communication. Each one "hearing" the incorrect meaning from the other. Emotions teach us about ourselves. Slowing down and noticing the cues that trigger emotions and the meaning we construct is very instructive. By understanding our emotional experience and that of our spouse, we can better interact in an understanding way.

Identify formation follows a simple path: Exploration to Commitment. Exploration must precede commitment. Commitment must precede a settled identity. Yet, taking the path is not necessarily easy. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ted Witzig Jr. explains some of the finer points along the journey to belonging, purpose and worth.

Identity answers the question, who I am and who I am not. An answer that is multi-faceted -both objective and subjective. Sometimes obvious and other times obscure. And to make it trickier, it shifts over time. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ted Witzig Jr helps us understand the nature of identity formation and how we can better steward this area of our life. Show notes: Identity is: The sense of self - who I am and who I am not. Aspects that make up identity: Demographics: age, sex, address Relationships: child, father, mother, husband, wife Roles: job, family, volunteer Values: likes, dislikes, religion, beliefs, loyalties Experiences: health, hobbies, accomplishments, ownership Personalities: gifts, character traits, talents Events that unsettle identity: Development Loss Transition Role shifts Experiences Belief shifts Process for forming identity: From exploration: trying, investigating, experiencing, researching To commitment: being settled, resolved and grounded Troubles in forming identity: Moving to commitment without exploration. This person's sense of self appears settled. But it is not their own. They have adopted another's identity. Crisis in life will likely cause distress. Remaining in exploration and not moving to commitment. This person is restless, always searching without resolve. Not exploring and not committing. This person is unaware of their need for identity formation. Identity brings about: A sense of belonging, grounding, purpose, priority and worth. The most important identity: A Christ-centered identity, being a child of God, is the identity from which all other identities rest. This identity offers stability when all others may ebb and flow.

We don't like it when things are out of reach. Especially when they are good things. But sometimes they just are. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter helps us understand what health looks like amid the disappointment of our inabilities. Definition: Limitations are those things that we cannot do or achieve regardless of effort or resources. Potential examples: IQ, Physical limitations, Mental limitations, Human developmental stage, Economics Reality: Limitations are often sources of pain in a person's life. We don't like to be told "no" you can't do that. Healthy Mental Processing: Limitations are losses to be grieved. Acknowledge the limitation. Grieve the limitation. Listen for the lie limitation has posited in your thinking. (ex. You are stupid.) Correct the lie with truth. Accept the limitation. Healthy Mindset: Do not identify yourself according to your limitation. Rather, understand your limitation to be part of your unique story and an aspect beloved by God the Father. Pivot your thinking away from limitations and on to opportunities. Healthy Action: A lot of good is instore for you even with your limitation. Invest in those areas you can contribute and improve in. Definition: Weaknesses are those things that we struggle to do well, but with effort and resources, can improve. Potential examples: Improving a skill, Learning a trade, Growing positive character qualities Reality: The ceiling of our abilities is most likely untried. We can make meaningful gains in many areas of our life. Healthy Mental Processing: We need to discern the difference between limitations in our lives and weaknesses. Healthy Mindset: God has given us the responsibility to steward our abilities. Continuing to grow and learn is part of the human flourishing He calls us into. Healthy Action: Growth is a function of effort over time. Engage the growth process.

Many explanations for our present realities harken back to our past. After all, who of us has not been shaped by the layers of life upon life? The marriage relationship is a crucible whereby these past experiences have a very present voice. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer explains the impact past trauma plays in present marriages. Understanding this unwelcome visitor in our today marriage relationship provides a great deal of explanation for the interactions we experience between spouses. It also, unlocks a hopeful path for an increasingly healthy marriage. What is trauma? Sometimes our present experiences trigger danger, even when we are objectively safe. This may be a sign of trauma. In our past, traumatic experiences threatened our safety. Today, experiences may trigger that past offense and send negative reactions surging through our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Trauma can affect all areas of our life including the marriage relationship. Thoughts are triggered by trauma: Trauma strikes at the perceived safety of an individual. The offense against a spouse's safety in the past leaves them vulnerable to this perceived lack of safety in the present. Triggers prompt thoughts that say "I'm not safe in this moment!" Feelings are triggered by trauma: Past painful memories hold intense negative emotions. Thoughts of jeopardized safety cause feelings of fear, unwanted exposure, a sense of helplessness and feelings of loneliness. Behaviors are triggered by trauma: Perceived "over-reactions" can occur by those wounded by past trauma. Present situations trigger a reaction conditioned by the past. Individuals might fight, take flight, or freeze. They might pull away to avoid vulnerability. This can be disorienting to the individual and their spouse. Relational connection is broken and reception of love in these moments are difficult. Understanding is helpful: Understanding when past trauma is speaking in the present can be helpful. It can provide explanation for the unwanted reactions that happen in present situations. This can lead to compassion and empathy. Moving toward healing: Establishing safety within self and with spouse is the first step in moving forward. Couples will need to work on establishing trust and allowing vulnerability to happen. Being curious is key and seeking not to personalize present triggers to past trauma. Some question prompts can be helpful: Help me understand when you feel this way? What is it like for you to experience _________? How do my actions contribute to your distress? Couples who want to make healthy gains in this area can make use of resources: "The Body Keeps the Score" Bessel Van der Kolk M.D. https://accounseling.org/overcomingtraumainmarriagewebinar/ - webinar https://www.amazon.com/s?k=how+we+love+by+milan+and+kay+yerkovich&sprefix=how+we+lo%2Caps%2C120&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_2_9 - How We Love book In some situations, uncovering the trauma and finding healing may require a counselor.

The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want. This classic Bible verse from the Psalms sums up the whole of contentment. Yet, there are some well-worn pitfalls. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Tom Waldbeser and Isaac Funk address these and how they can be avoided.

Contentment is not the ability to do without. Rather, it is possessing all that matters. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Tom Waldbeser and Isaac Funk present this possession from which contentment is a byproduct. Contentment is: A state of mind. Being satisfied. A learned experience. Contentment is hindered by: Entitlement Contentment comes by way of: Understanding our limitations. Managing our expectations. Abiding in Jesus. Knowing God. Taking our pain to God. Offloading our desires onto God. Contentment brings about: Thanksgiving. A lifestyle whereby we live within our means. A relinquishing of control. A reduced anxiety about tomorrow.

Sometimes caring comes with a cost. An emotional tax. Overtime we can become spent, tired, irritable and overwhelmed. Living in a world with lots of cares, compassion fatigue is real and is having its impact. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kathy Knochel and Brian Sutter help us understand how to maintain a measure of health while at the same time engaging in a hurting world. The brokenness of our world is brought to our awareness in increasing measure. From pandemics, natural disasters, wars, famines, injustice, oppression, mistreatment, tragedy, political debacle and societal changes, we are in no lack of matters for which we are aware and for which we care. If the brokenness we are confronted with in our world at large was not enough, matters of deep care and concern fill our personal lives. Loss, divorce, addictions, aging parents, disabilities, financial hardship and more make demands and draw on our physical and mental compassion reservoir. In many ways, a reservoir is a good illustration for the capacity we have with care. Matters of concern draw on our compassion reservoir. When depleted, we experience compassion fatigue. The emotional toll that comes when we mentally and physically are spent. When experiencing compassion fatigue we can become apathetic, cynical, frustrated or exhausted. When we are experiencing these realities, we are not bringing our best selves to the matters we care about. The answer to compassion fatigue is not caring less. Rather it lies in proper perspective and proper self-care. By attending to these two areas we can fill our compassion reservoir. A proper perspective is one that holds our broken reality in a God-oriented world view. This view acknowledges we were not created with the frame to process all the brokenness around us. In God's perfect creation intent, He intended to keep at bay this darkness. Yet sin defiled our innocence. This perspective helps us understand compassion fatigue is expected. On the flip side of the coin, we understand compassion is actually an attribute of God. It is His reaction to the brokenness we experience. In His likeness, we example His attribute to our world. We fill our compassion reservoir when we understand God ultimately is the savior of the issues that concern us. He is always active. When we are not "on call", He is. No situation is solely reliant on us. In fact, often God has many other people as active, compassionate, image-bearers devoted to the matters that concern us. Proper self-care follows from this perspective. Healthy compassionate people regularly rest from their worries. They intentionally take sabbath rest. They give their bodies the physical rest it requires to be effective. They detach their minds from concerning matters. They know where and how to invest their mental space in restorative activity. This can range from taking a nap to exercising; from working on a puzzle to reading a novel; from making music to painting a picture. They also engage in restorative relationships. They invest in relationships that support them in ways of accountability as well as enjoyment. Healthy compassionate people also know what is not restorative to their compassion reservoir. Not all mental escape is equal. Sometimes individuals think activities are restorative when they are not. For example, in an attempt to distract oneself away from cares, they escape to places that stimulate the brain to more anxiety. Social media is one common example of this. Each person needs to know him/herself and what is and is not restorative. While we were not created for the brokenness we encounter, we were created for the goodness of God's creation. Wonderfully, traces of that goodness abound. Healthy compassionate people look for this goodness and engage in it. When they do, their compassion reservoir is filled, and they are able to draw on that compassion to minister to the hurting around them. And when they do that, God's compassion is brought near to this broken world.

The abortion issue is charged and complicated. Yet there is a simple reality every time - there are two lives to love. In this episode of Breaking Bread this love is made evident by two guests who example what loving life looks like in the hard reality of an unplanned pregnancy. Rita Metz is a sonographer at a pre-abortive ministry called Living Alternatives Pregnancy Resource Center and Kevin Knapp is a volunteer staff member with the connected post-abortive ministry called Deeper Still. Together they beautifully elevate Jesus in this crisis. Living Alternative Pregnancy Resource Center webpage: Pregnancy Resource Center | Living Alternatives Deeper Still ministry webpage: www.godeeperstill.org

: Perfectionism has a strange advantage among those it afflicts. A need for perfect. Wonderfully there is a perfect answer. Christ came to be our perfection. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ted Witzig Jr. helps us understand socially prescribed perfectionism and the answer Jesus is to the perfection we long for. Show notes We love perfectionists. Who wouldn't want a perfectionist as their builder, accountant, or surgeon? Perfectionists hold high standards and are successful and acclaimed because they do. This is precisely why perfectionism is tricky…strengths can become weaknesses. Three types of perfectionism: Self-oriented perfectionism Definition: A person with very high, exacting standards for themselves. Unhealthy Measure: Specific performance Unhealthy Mindset: It needs to be perfect, or I've failed. There is no "good enough" in their thinking. Unhealthy Result: Harsh self-criticism & low self-compassion leading to discouragement & depression Remedy: They need to rethink success and reward the right thing. Was it adequate? Healthy Measure: Wholistic performance over time. Healthy Mindset: They need to understand that they are 'in progress.' Growth over time is the measure. Effort is more important than outcome. Other-oriented perfectionism Definition: A person who holds others to very high, exacting standards. Unhealthy Measure: Other people's performance. Unhealthy Mindset: The belief that they are a guardian of a standard and fear the standard will be dropped. Unhealthy Result: Demanding and controlling towards others. A critical spirit creates distance and resentment between them and for those who they project their very high expectations. Remedy: Don't be a voice of fear and discouragement to the next "generation". Rather, teach and empower them. Healthy Measure: Measure the human cost of seeking perfection. Sometimes we can get it wrong by trying to get it right. Healthy Mindset: Trust God. Trust others. Socially-prescribed perfectionism Definition: A person who reacts to their perceived beliefs about what other people expect of them. Unhealthy Measure: Trying to guess other people's perceptions. Unhealthy Mindset: Getting into someone else's head. "I think, they think…" Unhealthy Result: Insecurity, people pleasing and fabricated offenses that rob otherwise healthy moments. Remedy: Practice getting out of other people's heads. Healthy Measure: What am I assuming is true and what do I know to be true? Healthy Mindset: I can't please everyone.

"Do your best and leave the rest" is a tricky balance for the perfectionist. Yet it sums up a measure of health for those who have high, exacting standards for themselves or others. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ted Witzig Jr. teaches us about two types of perfectionism. Show notes We love perfectionists. Who wouldn't want a perfectionist as their builder, accountant, or surgeon? Perfectionists hold high standards and are successful and acclaimed because they do. This is precisely why perfectionism is tricky…strengths can become weaknesses. Three types of perfectionism: Self-oriented perfectionism Definition: A person with very high, exacting standards for themselves. Unhealthy Measure: Specific performance Unhealthy Mindset: It needs to be perfect, or I've failed. There is no "good enough" in their thinking. Unhealthy Result: Harsh self-criticism & low self-compassion leading to discouragement & depression Remedy: They need to rethink success and reward the right thing. Was it adequate? Healthy Measure: Wholistic performance over time. Healthy Mindset: They need to understand that they are 'in progress.' Growth over time is the measure. Effort is more important than outcome. Other-oriented perfectionism Definition: A person who holds others to very high, exacting standards. Unhealthy Measure: Other people's performance. Unhealthy Mindset: The belief that they are a guardian of a standard and fear the standard will be dropped. Unhealthy Result: Demanding and controlling towards others. A critical spirit creates distance and resentment between them and for those who they project their very high expectations. Remedy: Don't be a voice of fear and discouragement to the next "generation". Rather, teach and empower them. Healthy Measure: Measure the human cost of seeking perfection. Sometimes we can get it wrong by trying to get it right. Healthy Mindset: Trust God. Trust others. Socially-prescribed perfectionism Definition: A person who reacts to their perceived beliefs about what other people expect of them. Unhealthy Measure: Trying to guess other people's perceptions. Unhealthy Mindset: Getting into someone else's head. "I think, they think…" Unhealthy Result: Insecurity, people pleasing and fabricated offenses that rob otherwise healthy moments. Remedy: Practice getting out of other people's heads. Healthy Measure: What am I assuming is true and what do I know to be true? Healthy Mindset: I can't please everyone.

Desires can be tricky. Is it okay to have them? Is it okay to voice them? What if I get my way? Does that make me selfish? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter helps us understand how having and voicing desires is not all bad, in fact, it can be healthy. Unhealthy Desire Healthy Desire Desire for things that God has not allowed. Desire for things that God has given to us to enjoy. Selfishness: insisting on satisfying one's desires in a way that brings about strife and is at the expense of others. Voicing desires while understanding that others have desires that will need to be acknowledged. Damages relationships. Enhances relationships.

Vulnerability has become a popular ideal. Authenticity, openness, and being "real" are touted as admirable qualities in our culture. Yet, how does Jesus shape this virtue? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Arlan Miller and Isaac Funk cast a vision for healthy vulnerability and draw from the example of Jesus. Vulnerability Identifiers… Jesus teaches us… How to be vulnerable. How to receive the vulnerable. How beauty can be made from the fruit of vulnerability.

Community has become a popular ideal. A reaction, no doubt, to the ill-effect of our increasingly independent lives. Clubs, groups, associations, and fellowships offer much needed connection and identification for people feeling more and more alone. How is the Christian community unique in providing the connection we fundamentally need? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Arlan Miller and Isaac Funk elevate the community of Jesus. Community Identifiers The Christian Community is… God's ordained way of extending His love to His own people and with the world. The communion of the Holy Spirit living among its participants. A place where people are known and loved.

The words we use matter: alcoholic, depressed, narcissist, bipolar - these are all examples of labels we use to describe people. Labels stick - for good or bad. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ted Witzig Jr. helps straighten us out with what sometimes turns into adult name-calling. There is a difference between using labels "for" or "against" people. When labels are used responsibly, they should reflect reality with the intent to bring understanding and help to people. Using Labels "for a Person: Labels accurately reflect reality and are used to chart a healthy path forward. Labels are not the primary identification of a person. Rather, for the Christian, Christ's identity is primary. Change and redemption is possible. Using Labels "against" a Person: While some labels may accurately reflect reality, they are used to punish or isolate. Labels that do not accurately reflect reality. Labels remain as primary identifier of the individual indefinitely. Change and redemption is not possible.

Our young people transition into adulthood gradually and with assistance. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kathy Knochel explains the role community plays in this process. She highlights the responsibility that is ours and equips us with the tool set needed to get the job done. Connect with the young people in your life. Know them. Listen to them. Care for them. Challenge them. Equip them. Give responsibility to them. When they fail, receive them.

Forgive, overlook and acknowledge - three verbs that give the embittered a path to freedom. None are easy. In in this episode of Breaking Bread, Craig Stickling brings them near and demonstrates the path out from his own life experience. Show notes Bitterness has a root: The root starts with hurt. Hurt that is not properly cared for. This hurt leads to anger. Anger left to seethe and build over time leads to stubbornness. Impenetrable walls are then built to protect. Behind these walls a rebellion settles in. Bitterness grows: Minor and major hurtful events stacked one on top of the other over time breeds a canker. The canker travels its way into many areas of our lives. Bitterness has a fruit: The fruit tastes of isolation, division and hardness. Bitterness has a remedy: The embittered must engage with the hurt in three ways. Applying forgiveness where they have been sinned against. Overlooking misunderstandings and imperfections where they exist in their offender and acknowledging whatever truth that may exist in the hurt for their personal betterment.

Hurt, not properly cared for, can turn to bitterness. Bitterness, not properly cared for, defiles much. In this episode series, Craig Stickling addresses properly caring for hurt and bitterness.

Do we love each other because we agree? Or is our love based on something deeper? Surprisingly, conflict exposes the answer. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Matt Kaufmann and Brian Sutter address the nature of conflict and highlight the role our consciences play. God has given everyone a conscience. The conscience gives us a sense of right and wrong. We should listen to our conscience. Our conscience is not perfectly tuned to truth. We should be a steward of our conscience. Scripture should inform our conscience. The Holy Spirit should direct our conscience. Relationships should refine our conscience. When our consciences differ with others, conflict can result. Conflict can help mature our conscience. We should honor another person's conscience.

God wants us to know Him. He wants our thoughts towards Him and our feelings about Him to be guided by truth. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ted Witzig Jr. helps us evaluate our God image and provides tips on how to have an increasingly more accurate view of God. It is important to note: There are common inaccurate God images. Below are a few examples: "The God of Impossible Expectations" – God holds us to impossible standards and punishes us when we don't meet them. He is never satisfied. "The Emotionally-Distant God" – God withdraws from us when we go through struggles and difficulties. "The Gotcha God" – God is out to get us. He doesn't like to see us happy. He is always looking for a way to 'pull the rug out' from under us. "The Hiding God" – God has a will for me but He won't tell me what it is and will punish me if I don't find it. There are good ways to recapture an accurate God image. Below are a few suggestions: Don't superimpose your experience onto the scriptures. Instead let the scriptures inform your experiences. Surround yourself with people that model grace and truth and point out God image distortions. Be patient. It takes time to bring healthy correction to our long-held God image. Memorize Bible verses. Truth is required. Meditate on Bible truth. Personalize the Scriptures by moving the knowledge you're your head to your heart. Take time to be still. Sit quietly and deliberately imagine God's nurturing care, love and reception of you.

Revealing God the Father to human beings was one of the purposes of Christ's ministry. He wanted His hearers to know God and to view Him accurately. In this episode, Ted Witzig Jr. explains how our God image is formed and the impact that it has on us. While we will never understand God perfectly in this life, we can work to be sure we are not viewing Him through distorted lenses. It is important to note… * Everyone has a God concept and a God image. * How we picture God and believe He feels toward us are very impactful in how we relate to Him. * Those things we know about God (i.e., 'head-knowledge') make up our God concept. * Our God concept is formed by information that we learn about Him from the Bible and what others teach us. * Those things we feel about God, including how we picture Him, feelings we feel toward Him, and how we imagine He feels towards us is called our God image. * Our God image is formed through life experiences including our relationship with major attachment figures (primarily one's father and mother). * Positive influences such as love, security, mercy, and relationships with benevolent authority figures lead toward the development of a healthy God image. * Trauma, mental illness, loss, and wounded trust are all experiences that can have a negative impact on our God image.

Am I okay? What do people think of me? Should I be happy with myself? These self- questions highlight insecurity. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter walks us through the finer points of insecurity and presents to us true security. Insecurities are common among all ages. While the things we seek security in change over time, the fact remains that security is a common human desire. Insecurity is helpful in this way. It highlights our desire for security and prompts us with a critical question, "What should my security be in?" Is it in my job, finances, relationships or looks? Just like financial securities, some are better than others, the securities we desire are not all equal. Who do we seek approval from? What is required for me to be happy with myself? Just how secure are these securities? Most often, we look to securities that are exterior to us-the affirmation of a group, the achievement of a goal. Wonderfully, God is that exterior security He wants us to be settled in. Because of God's dependability, He is the security that is superior to all others.

Sometimes interactions are charged with emotion. Often, we react to the escalation only to make it worse. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer helps us let the steam out of the charged moment so we can have rational dialogue. The key to doing this is called "validation." Validation in interpersonal interactions. What it is. What it does. What it looks like. When do you use it? What it is not. Accepting a person's experience. Deescalates charged emotional interactions. Being curious about another person's experience. Heated disagreements. Not reactive Joining someone in their experience. Values another's personhood. Validating first, correcting second. When strong negative emotions are present. Not agreement Understanding a person's emotional response. Puts relationship first. Showing a person that you "see them." When you are calm enough to listen. Not avoiding Builds connection. Accept their response. Not argumentative Legitimatizes other's response.

Seeking satisfaction happens on many levels, on an array of topics, moment by moment with all of us. Quenching appetites is a daily job. Psalm 90:14 offers four surprising facts about the satisfaction that comes from God. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Arlan Miller and Matt Kaufmann highlight these surprising qualities and muse on how beautifully welcome each one is. So much time, effort and energy goes into satisfying our appetites. Hunger, thirst, sleep, love, comfort, approval, accomplishment, affirmation, achievement are a few of the many cravings we try to satiate every day. Yet, God's satisfaction is different - in four ways. "O satisfy us early with thy mercy; that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. " Psalm 90:14 Earthly Satisfaction God's Satisfaction We prize the pursuit of satisfaction as much or more than the satisfaction itself. For example, eating the meal is pursued and valued as much as the filling. God's satisfaction is the prize. Satisfaction comes at the end. For example, at the end of a meal or at the end of a hard day's work. God's satisfaction comes early, at the beginning not the ending. Satisfaction must be earned. For example, you must cook the meal. You must contend, work, strive and achieve to be satisfied. God's satisfaction is already realized. We enter into his satisfied reality. Satisfaction expires. For example, we are hungry again. We are thirsty again. We need affirmation again. God's satisfaction lasts all our days. His satisfaction does not expire.

Jesus lived among us. He taught us. But more importantly, he exampled for us "the way." Now we have a chance to follow His lead. But how? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Katie Miller and Marcia Koch share their top three lessons learned from mentoring others. Notes: · Mentoring is more relational than educational. o Be vulnerable and trustworthy. · Everyone is unique. o Be careful not to over generalize. · The cross of Christ is central. o Everybody in every situation can be pointed to the cross. · The "self-talk" that people are saying to themselves matters. o Listen for lies. · Good questions are key. o Assume you don't know and ask. Assume you still don't know and clarify. · Regularity is more important than frequency. o Be there. · People are more than their issues. o Relate to people on a variety of levels. · The Holy Spirit is the change-agent. o Pray with people.

3…2…1… no launch. This is the experience of many parents hoping to launch their kids into this wide world. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Craig Stickling and Roger Gasser give sound counsel to parents who have kids on the launching pad. Systems Check for Launch. For Kids: Do they have roots? Do they have wings? Can they evaluate their thoughts? Can they regulate their emotions? Have they been taught about God? Can they learn from pain? Can they ask for help? Can they engage in the community? Does their independence include responsibility? For Parents We are stewards of our children. We do not own them. We cannot dictate their beliefs and thoughts. God has plans for them. Do not protect them from pain. Do not protect them from failure. Do not make them into a version of yourself. Give them freedom to make choices. Expect to be disappointed at times. Anticipate handing over control to a larger community.

3...2...1... no launch. This is the experience of many parents hoping to launch their kids into this wide world. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Craig Stickling and Roger Gasser give sound counsel to parents who have kids on the launching pad. Systems Check for Launch. For Kids: Do they have roots? Do they have wings? Can they evaluate their thoughts? Can they regulate their emotions? Have they been taught about God? Can they learn from pain? Can they ask for help? Can they engage in the community? Does their independence include responsibility? For Parents We are stewards of our children. We do not own them. We cannot dictate their beliefs and thoughts. God has plans for them. Do not protect them from pain. Do not protect them from failure. Do not make them into a version of yourself. Give them freedom to make choices. Expect to be disappointed at times. Anticipate handing over control to a larger community.

Infertility is a private loss many couples experience. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Tyler and Casey Zimmerman share their story. Their journey will accent the uniqueness of the infertility pain. It will resonate with the losses that are common among us and it will heighten God's unique and common love to all His children. Like a fingerprint, infertility pain is common to all sorts of pain and yet unique. Infertility is a private pain. "People have no idea of my pain." Infertility struggles to have closure. "It impacts every phase of life." Infertility pain is cyclic. "Maybe next month?" Infertility grief is ambiguous. "I'm grieving what might have been, but I don't know what that even is." Infertility can produce shame. "Why is God keeping children from us?" Infertility has administrational headaches. "Why won't insurance cover this treatment?" Infertility treatment intrudes on your privacy. "Do you really need to know that?" Infertility robs normalcy. "Everything about getting and having kids is different. The announcement, the baby shower, the experience, is different." Yet… Infertility, like all pain, is seen by God. Infertility, like all pain, is best cared for in a loving community. Infertility, like all pain, can be that place where we meet God.

Infertility is a private loss many couples experience. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Tyler and Casey Zimmerman share their story. Their journey will accent the uniqueness of the infertility pain. It will resonate with the losses that are common among us and it will heighten God's unique and common love to all His children. Like a fingerprint, infertility pain is common to all sorts of pain and yet unique. Infertility is a private pain. "People have no idea of my pain." Infertility struggles to have closure. "It impacts every phase of life." Infertility pain is cyclic. "Maybe next month?" Infertility grief is ambiguous. "I'm grieving what might have been, but I don't know what that even is." Infertility can produce shame. "Why is God keeping children from us?" Infertility has administrational headaches. "Why won't insurance cover this treatment?" Infertility treatment intrudes on your privacy. "Do you really need to know that?" Infertility robs normalcy. "Everything about getting and having kids is different. The announcement, the baby shower, the experience, is different." Yet… Infertility, like all pain, is seen by God. Infertility, like all pain, is best cared for in a loving community. Infertility, like all pain, can be that place where we meet God.

Our teenage kids are under construction and construction zones are messy. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kathy Knochel and Jeff Waibel give us a few tips for understanding these formative years. Knowing a few things can go a long way in helping us get through the construction. Remember you were a teen once. Attempt to put yourself in their shoes. Remember to hear the message behind their behavior. What are they saying to you? Often young people don't have the words, skills or maturity to say what they feel. Nevertheless, their actions are trying to tell you something. Some messages might be: "I need your attention." "Do you love me?" "I am embarrassed." "I feel guilty." Remember, whatever decision or behavior teenagers choose, it made logical sense to them. Ask them to help you understand their thinking. Follow up by asking them if they want to know how their behavior made you feel. Remember their brain is still being developed. Their personality, sense of humor and ability to measure risk are all in the process of being formed. Remember they are working out who they are – their identity. They are gaining ownership of their own values and beliefs. Remember there are battles not worth fighting. Choose those battles that are central to your family's values. Make big deals out of big deals and make small deals out of small deals. Remember "the lecture" has never been effective. Remember to share your views, faith and passion through conversations your teens will want to join. In this way we walk side-by-side and are not always nose-to-nose.

Our teenage kids are under construction and construction zones are messy. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kathy Knochel and Jeff Waibel give us a few tips for understanding these formative years. Knowing a few things can go a long way in helping us get through the construction. Remember you were a teen once. Attempt to put yourself in their shoes. Remember to hear the message behind their behavior. What are they saying to you? Often young people don't have the words, skills or maturity to say what they feel. Nevertheless, their actions are trying to tell you something. Some messages might be: "I need your attention." "Do you love me?" "I am embarrassed." "I feel guilty." Remember, whatever decision or behavior teenagers choose, it made logical sense to them. Ask them to help you understand their thinking. Follow up by asking them if they want to know how their behavior made you feel. Remember their brain is still being developed. Their personality, sense of humor and ability to measure risk are all in the process of being formed. Remember they are working out who they are – their identity. They are gaining ownership of their own values and beliefs. Remember there are battles not worth fighting. Choose those battles that are central to your family's values. Make big deals out of big deals and make small deals out of small deals. Remember "the lecture" has never been effective. Remember to share your views, faith and passion through conversations your teens will want to join. In this way we walk side-by-side and are not always nose-to-nose.

Shaming our kids - good intentions, yet with unintended poor consequences. We've all done it. Parenting out of exasperation. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Craig Stickling and Brian Sutter take a careful look at the messages we are sending our kids. Fortunately, a very healthy and redemptive future is possible. What is Shame? Effects of Shame Examples of Parental Shame High-stakes Moments for Shame How do we unwind Shame? Discipline that doesn't Shame. Nature of Shame The idea that a person is, at their core, bad, unwanted and beyond repair. Shame pushes your child into isolation. "I don't care!" When our kids are being creative. Call your child out from hiding and into community. Separates their behavior from their personal worth. Shame shames. Shame says there is no hope. Because I'm broken and no one wants me. "You are the only 10-year-old who doesn't get this!" When our kids are being vulnerable. Enjoy your kids. Breaks the will but not the spirit. We will shame and will be shamed. "You will never amount to anything!" When we downplay interests and abilities that they have because they don't match our expectations. Celebrate their person. Support guilt where it is appropriate. Shame plays on lies and perpetuates lies.

When the last of the children leave the home, couples enter the "empty nest" phase of marriage. For some, this moment is met with welcome anticipation. For others trepidation. But for all, the moment marks a transition. All transitions require a certain level of relational care. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Roger Gasser and Kaleb Beyer speak into the care needed to thrive in this transition. There are a few things that prove helpful to understand when entering the empty nest phase of marriage: Understand empty nesting begins by way of a transition. Transitions move us from an old normal to a new normal. By nature, transitions can be disorienting. But with time and effort, a satisfying new normal can be achieved. Understand the transition that needs to happen will circle closely to the change in roles that must transpire. Such a shift in roles may very well require a grieving of a past role and an acceptance of a new one. Understand the role-shift experience will be felt differently from one spouse to another. For example, a wife who found her identity in rearing the children will undergo a larger shift than a husband who defines his identity apart from the children. Understand empty nesting may affect the way couples connect. Connection can be understood by three criterions: availability, responsiveness, and engagement. Understand flexibility will be key to thriving. Learning to share your family and your time will go a long way toward being able to find contentment and joy in the empty nest phase of marriage.

Signposts are helpful and orienting. They are helpful in guiding us from point A to point B. They are orienting because they assure us we are still on the right road. In this podcast series, Kaleb Beyer walks us through six signposts on the road to recovery from sexual betrayal. These signposts are both helpful and orienting. Six Signposts: Appropriate disclosure: Betrayal plays on the illusion of truth. Through appropriate disclosure truth is brought to bear allowing for new relationship foundations to be set. Betrayal Trauma: It is important for the betrayer to understand the trauma that betrayal causes. Trauma will explain many of the thoughts, feelings and behaviors of your betrayed spouse. Triggers: Recovery will include triggers. In moments of trigger, you will be convinced forward motion is not happening. Yet, if you understand the nature of triggers, you will understand that you are in motion. Being able to evaluate this motion is important. Understanding addiction: The betrayed needs to understand the nature of addiction. Such understanding will help them understand the betraying spouse and why they do the things they do. Healthy boundaries: Boundaries protect. Spouses help protect the other by establishing boundaries. By way of boundaries, both safety and trust is built. Forgiveness: Following Christ's example, couples extend the grace each needs to move forward.

Signposts are helpful and orienting. They are helpful in guiding us from point A to point B. They are orienting because they assure us we are still on the right road. In this podcast series, Kaleb Beyer walks us through six signposts on the road to recovery from sexual betrayal. These signposts are both helpful and orienting. Six Signposts: Appropriate disclosure: Betrayal plays on the illusion of truth. Through appropriate disclosure truth is brought to bear allowing for new relationship foundations to be set. Betrayal Trauma: It is important for the betrayer to understand the trauma that betrayal causes. Trauma will explain many of the thoughts, feelings and behaviors of your betrayed spouse. Triggers: Recovery will include triggers. In moments of trigger, you will be convinced forward motion is not happening. Yet, if you understand the nature of triggers, you will understand that you are in motion. Being able to evaluate this motion is important. Understanding addiction: The betrayed needs to understand the nature of addiction. Such understanding will help them understand the betraying spouse and why they do the things they do. Healthy boundaries: Boundaries protect. Spouses help protect the other by establishing boundaries. By way of boundaries, both safety and trust is built. Forgiveness: Following Christ's example, couples extend the grace each needs to move forward.

Believers care about calling. Is God calling me to this assignment? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Amber Miller (Missionary Care Director) helps us see calling as more than the assignment. She gives 5 suggestions for understanding what it means to be called. Five important perspectives on following God's call: There is purpose in the process of working out one's calling. God is not only interested in the final assignment. He wants to use the process of discernment to grow us. We are sent after the pattern of Christ's sending. "As my Father hath sent me, even so send I you." John 20:21 Calling has much to do with who we are. We are called into being. Be a royal priesthood the Scriptures say. Calling is more than an assignment. Calling should not be compartmentalized. Instead, our work, home and church lives flow out of one calling. Calling is confirmed in community. Fellow believers help us determine if God is calling us to certain assignments. [email protected] Learn and Discern Groups: www.harvestcall.org/learn-discern

Meditation is in vogue. Mindfulness is in fashion. yet, the Scriptures have spoken to this discipline for several millennia. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter walks us through the what, why and how of meditation. Show notes: Question Answer What is meditation? Meditation is deliberately setting our mind on a certain thing and remaining with our mind set upon it. Why should we meditate? Through the discipline of meditation, we become more mentally healthy as well as spiritually healthy people. The reason for this is because our thoughts give attention to those things that are true. In what ways is meditation a skill set? Meditation is a skill set because it is a learned and practiced skill by which a person can more fully focus their attention on a selected matter of the mind. What lies at the center of meditation? Attention lies at the core of mediation. Dismissing unwanted distractions and focusing on desired interests is key. What qualities do I need to have in order to meditate well? Patience and focus are required for meditation. How do I meditate? To meditate, we must slow down, identify a matter to contemplate on, focus on that matter with curiosity, remain with that matter over time. How is mediation different than Bible study? In Bible study, we are the agent, and the Scriptures are the subject we act upon. In meditation, we are the subject, and the Scriptures is the agent that act on us. Are mindfulness and meditation the same thing? Yes. These terms are similar. Mindfulness is focusing on the present moment. When is meditation unwise? Meditation is unwise when we adopt the modern notion that truth lies within us and meditation seeks to access that self-goodness.

Behind our vices is often a lie we believe. Reversing the lie goes a long way in reversing the vice. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Arlan and Matt speak to the health that comes by way of truth. As truth embodied, Christ wants to upset our lies. PROBLEM STATEMENT: We live in a broken world and wounds happen. Furthermore, wounds compound and compact on top of each other. They build up over time. While some wounds are huge (abuse, etc) wounds don't have to be huge to be impactful. In fact, often, the subtle unnoticed hurts pack the biggest punch because they go without our notice and their effect is assumed negligible. FACT: Wounds give way to lies and lies give way to vice. GOAL: A healthy life skill is being able to heal from the wounding we are bound to get. HOW: Identify the lie you believe. Replace it with truth. Support the truth with repetition. EFFECT: Truth will have a living effect on our lives. We will begin to live according to the truth. Example: WOUND: When Jill was young, she was told by a teacher she wished she was smart like her older sister. LIE: Jill believed that she would never be "good enough". VICE: Jill began to long for approval. She would seek for it in all the wrong places. REPAIR: Jill came to understand the favor God has for her. EFFECT: Jill is settled in God's approval and does not seek for it in unhealthy places.

There is a path through grief. Helping our grieving teens make progress along that path is so important. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kathy Knochel and Craig Stickling give us practical tips on doing just that. Things to remember as you walk with a grieving teen: Acknowledge the difficulty. Listen to their thoughts and feelings. Ask for permission. Remember anniversaries. Remember the intensity of grief will over time subside. Healing comes by moving though the grief cycle. https://www.accounseling.org/phases-of-grief/ Healing comes by processing the loss. Healing comes by connecting with Christ. Healing comes by acceptance. Healing comes by doing. Healing is possible.

Grief is always hard no matter the age. Yet, our teens experience a unique challenge when it comes to working through loss. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kathy Knochel and Craig Stickling walk us through the complexities of grief on the maturing heart and mind. Grief and loss can be troubling to teens... Their knowledge is outpacing their experience. Their notion of a safe world is challenged. While they are learning to take control of various aspects of their lives, they learn that they don't have control. Grief can be unsettling during a time when they are forming their identity. While a teen's grieving experience varies dramatically, it will likely include... Shock Denial Depression Anger Sometimes confusing competing emotions https://www.accounseling.org/grief-and-emotions/

The cigarette is falling out of favor with the general public. Stepping into its place and gaining favor is the modernized e-cigarette. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Dr. Aaron Plattner helps us understand the growing appeal of vaping.

Sometimes little things make big differences. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer relays three small things that exist in happy marriages. 3 Small Things Be Purposeful Highly happy couples generously focus on what their mate is giving to them. The spouse, in turn, deliberately tries to give back. Be Present Highly happy couples fully invest emotionally in their marriage by risking vulnerability; this leads to a dramatically increased security and happiness in the relationship. Be Positive Highly happy couples give their spouse most of the credit for their relationship success – and they live in regular, conscious gratitude as a result. Taken from "The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference" by Shaunti Feldhahn

Like a faulty check engine light that comes on prematurely, some consciences trigger signals of guilt when they shouldn't be triggered. This is called false guilt. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ted Witzig Jr explains the difference and how to detect if that check engine light is real or not. True guilt is grounded in truth. False guilt is grounded in feelings. True guilt motivates us to deal with sin and move forward. False guilt causes us to stall and spin in confession. True guilt listens to scriptural objectivity. False guilt listens to anxiety and depression. How to deal with false guilt: A person dealing with false guilt typically hold themselves to standards they would not impose on others. They may benefit from getting perspective and counsel from other people. They should focus on moving forward and will need to elevate Christ's promises to them and not allow their feelings to undermine the truth.