Three Bean Salad

This week the Bean Machine stopped weeping tears of fresh, semi-skimmed milk for the first time in four years and spat out the topic of saints as submitted by Nathan of Bristol. Which cosmic force acted through Nathan to prompt his submission we cannot know. Nor indeed is it clear if this is the only time Nathan has been used as a sacred conduit or if it occurs frequently. If the latter, is Nathan aware of what is happening? And is he using it for good or is he diverting this otherworldly force for things like avoiding traffic jams and making meringues with lovely, stiff peaks? Sounds like it’s time for an investigation by the Bishop of Bristol, P.I.!With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and bonus/video episodes: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [email protected] Insta: threebeansaladpod

What truly separates mankind from other species is our irrepressible urge to shove things that are far bigger than the aperture of our dwellings into our dwellings. Some members of mankind will, at points in their lives, increase the size of their dwellings or move to bigger dwellings, but it is implicitly understood that the aperture into this dwelling must remain the same size so that oversized objects can still be acquired and shoved through it, thus sating mankind’s purest impulse. Perhaps Roy of Spalding is, as we speak, proudly and sweatily draped across a big thing he has freshly shoved into his own dwelling. Perhaps he is lodged between his front door frame and the arm rest of a sumptuous leather sofa. Either way what is on his mind is moving house and that is this week’s (perpetually relevant) topic for the beans.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and bonus/video episodes: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [email protected] Insta: threebeansaladpod

Charlie of Loughborough feeds The Olympics into the bean machine for this week’s lukewarm topic. Any of Henry, Mike or Ben could definitely have been a gold medal winning olympian if they’d only had the right opportunities, encouragement, childhood pets, funding, early surgical interventions, talent profile, genetic modification and work ethic so this is a subject close to their hearts.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and bonus/video episodes: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [email protected] Insta: threebeansaladpod

The chicken. Tuna Of The Fields. The Bishop’s Rest. The Pauper’s Goose. Captain Susan’s Seed Hoover. El Punzón Que Vuela. The Crap Eagle. That it goes by so many names is, perhaps, proof of its profound impact on our culture through the ages. Katherine of Boston can surely be forgiven then for selecting chickens as this week’s topic for the beans.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and bonus/video episodes: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [email protected] Insta: threebeansaladpod

The coastguard is this week’s topic at the behest of Cat of Ontario, Canada. Given the fact that Canada is the nation with the longest coastline in the world perhaps Cat is hoping to find out whether or not Canada also has the longest coastguards? Although, if so, given that Cat is not only from Canada but is also a member of the the Canadian Coastguard, this seems like the sort of thing they could have found out for themselves. But then again maybe that won’t come up.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and bonus/video episodes: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [email protected] @beansaladpod

According to facts there are more roads in the world now than at any point in history: the A49, Route Sixty-Something, Thunder Road etc and so on. Surely, therefore, there is no better time than now to buckle up and listen to a podcast about road trips. Thanks to Josh of Bristol for the topic and remember the rubber don’t burn when the banter’s lukewarm.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and bonus/video episodes: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [email protected] @beansaladpod

The Caveman. Stone Age creature. Witness of the dawn of humanity. He knows only that he must survive and that he must survive only to procreate so that one fine, lukewarm dawn his afterbears might emerge from the cave with enough opposable brain cells to be able to work out how to record a podcast. Thank you to Isaac of London for this crucial topic.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and bonus/video episodes: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [email protected] @beansaladpod

If a tree fell in the forest and made no sound why do you remember it so clearly? And when was this? Pre-Covid? And what on Earth was Derek doing there? And why does this memory have an original score composed by Sting and is that score what’s muddying the whole “did the tree make a sound” waters in the first place? Thanks to Danielle from The Halifax for selecting this week’s topic - memory. Or was it Daniella from The Horsham?With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and bonus/video episodes: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [email protected] @beansaladpod

Emily of Oxford tunes in to the vibes of a brand new year and reckons what the world needs to hear about from the beans is bodybuilders. It’s a well judged move and who better to pick the perfectly toned meat off this topic than three men who at any point in their lives could have tried a bit of bodybuilding or read about it or watched a bit on the the telly if they could have been arsed.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and bonus/video episodes: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [email protected] @beansaladpod

The beans convene an emergency Film Corner to watch James Cameron's latest visit to the alien paradise of Pandora.Film Corner episodes are usually Patreon-only. To join our Patreon visit http://www.patreon.com/threebeansalad

For reasons we can't fully remember, last year at Ratmas-tide we read out 12 rat anecdotes sent in by listeners. Well, it's back again and this time it's live and writhing, like so many rats. Merry Ratmas!Thanks to our pianist Freddie Tapner and our guest Isy Suttie.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and bonus/video episodes: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladTickets for our live shows at Machynlleth Comedy Fest:Saturday 2nd May - https://machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2026/three-bean-salad-live-at-machfest-2026/Sunday 3rd May - https://machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2026/three-bean-salad-podcast-live-at-machfest-2026/New merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [email protected] @beansaladpod

The very latest statistics make it clear that, given the pervasiveness of organised crime worldwide, at least 2 regular listeners of Three Bean Salad must be directly involved in some Mob or other (and most likely at a middle-management level). But who are they? And do they know each other? Are they sworn enemies or, given their shared life experience, might they be able to develop a soul-nourishing friendship if they could only drop the street tough outer crust for 5 ruddy minutes??!! Ta very much to Diogo of Lisbon for gifting this week’s topic to the Bean Machine (which is organised crime obvs).With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and bonus/video episodes: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladTickets for our live shows at Machynlleth Comedy Fest:Saturday 2nd May - https://machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2026/three-bean-salad-live-at-machfest-2026/Sunday 3rd May - https://machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2026/three-bean-salad-podcast-live-at-machfest-2026/New merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: [email protected] @beansaladpod

How and where and why and when and if do you wash your undergarments? Presumably this is a conversation Douglas from Michigan wishes to prompt across the world as he top-loads laundry into the bean machine and sets it to lukewarm without a second thought as to whether or not Bonjo’s in the middle of boil washing his banjo britches.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and bonus/video episodes: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladNew merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.com

The beans return refreshed, carefully groomed and oiled in all the right places for a new season of lukewarm banter. First up: neighbours, courtesy of Nicole of Oregon. Tune in for a heady mix of truth bombs and real talk washed down with half a pint of nitty-gritty.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and bonus/video episodes: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladTickets for our live streams for our London tour date: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/three-bean-salad-6-dec-online/Bonjo's House Of Pain: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/three-bean-salad-presents-bonjos-house-of-pain-live-online-stream/and Ratmas: https://www.kingsplace.co.uk/whats-on/comedy/three-bean-salad-presents-ratmas-live-online-stream/New merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comFor Mike's tour info: www.mrmikewozniak.com