The Hidden Ego of People-Pleasing: How to Reclaim Your Life by Setting Boundaries

Do you ever feel exhausted from saying “yes” when you desperately want to say “no”? Do you pride yourself on being a giver, yet secretly feel resentful and taken advantage of? If so, you’re not alone. Many of us are caught in the cycle of people-pleasing, believing it’s what makes us a “good person.”

I recently sat down with Barb Nangle, a boundaries coach who specializes in helping professional women break free from this exact pattern. Her personal journey from a self-described “lifelong rescuer, fixer, savior, [and] codependent” to a coach with unshakeable boundaries is a powerful lesson in self-reclamation.

The biggest revelation? People-pleasing has less to do with kindness and more to do with something we rarely admit: our ego.

From the Bottom of the Iceberg

For decades, Barb was the person who looked like she had it all together on the outside—a successful career, a master’s degree, and a full volunteer schedule. Inside, however, she was dying. After 37 years of therapy and countless self-help books that only “scratched the surface,” she hit a “codependent bottom” at age 52.

The turning point was discovering 12-step recovery, which she says “melted the iceberg” of her life. It was there she uncovered the truth about her behavior. She wasn’t just being “nice”; she was lying—acting like things were fine when they weren’t, all to please others.

She realized her core wound was codependence, and the antidote was something she never knew she lacked: boundaries.

The Core Shift: Whose Approval Are You Seeking?

Many of us believe we help others out of the goodness of our hearts. Barb thought so, too. “I thought, honestly... that I helped people because I’m nice,” she admitted. The startling realization was that her actions were driven by a desire for approval and, more accurately, a fear of disapproval. A “bad person” in her mind was someone who said no and was unhelpful.

This is where the ego comes in. My own “aha moment” came when I realized people-pleasing was more of an ego issue than a soul issue. The ego feels safe, loved, and validated when we give, especially if that was our childhood conditioning. Our soul, however, simply wants us to honor our truth.

The change begins with a profound mindset shift. For Barb, it was this:

“I came to care more what I think of me than what others do.”

This doesn’t mean you stop caring about others. It means you stop being willing to throw your own integrity out the window to manipulate people into being pleased by you. As Barb puts it, it’s fine to seek others’ approval, but only after you have your own first.

How to Start Building Your Boundaries

For anyone feeling trapped by resentment and exhaustion, Barb emphasizes that change is possible at any age. Here’s how to start:

* 1. Start With Yourself. The first boundary you set is often internal. Barb’s first conscious boundary was simply not opening an email from an ex-boyfriend the moment it arrived. You can’t have a tug-of-war if you refuse to pick up the rope. Don’t answer the text, the email, or the phone call until you have the mental and emotional space to handle it.

* 2. Learn to Tolerate the Feelings. Setting boundaries is uncomfortable. The first few times I said “no,” it felt “yucky”. Barb agrees, noting that people feel like they’re going to die. You must learn to manage those feelings and understand that they won’t kill you.

* 3. Practice on “Easy” People. Don’t start with the most difficult person in your life. Begin with good-natured people where the stakes are lower. This builds your confidence and skills.

* 4. Embrace the Experiment. Learning boundaries is like learning to ride a bike; you can’t just read the manual, you have to do it. It’s an experimental process where you figure out your limits. You might set a boundary too harshly and need to apologize and adjust. Over time, it becomes second nature.

Eventually, setting boundaries is no longer a conscious, difficult act. As Barb so brilliantly stated, “I don’t set boundaries. I have boundaries”. It becomes an integrated part of who you are—someone who gives from the overflow, not from an empty cup.

Where to Find Barb Nangle

Barb’s passion for this work is palpable, and her coaching is born from her own profound healing journey. To learn more about her story and her work, you can visit her website: https://higherpowercc.com/meet-barb/

* Podcast: Listen to her show, Fragmented to Whole: Life Lessons from 12-Step Recovery.

* Instagram: Follow her at @higherpowercoaching.

* Work with Barb: If you’re ready to do this work, you can book a free 30-minute “Unshakeable You” call at barbchat.net.

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