The Heart

At 5 years old, Gina was parading around the stage with a number pinned to her chest. But as the host of The Little Miss America Competition sang the national anthem, she felt he might have as well been singing,“You’re so whiiiiite, you’re so bloooooonde.” Even still, Gina, the toothless, black Shirley Temple, made it to the final round. When she didn’t hear her number called she looked out into the sea of eager parents and found her parents. Her mother, sullen and disappointed. Next to her mother, sat her father with tears streaming down his face. From that point on all Gina wanted to was to be seen, to fit in and to be beautiful. By the time Gina was 24, she didn’t feel too different from that little pageant girl. She got into theater school but her optimism didn’t last. Soon after getting accepted she was drinking beer for breakfast, failing her classes, and fantasizing about skipping town. That’s in addition to the issues she was having with her boyfriend… Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Badger Clark is remembered for shaping the poetry of the Old West with striking impressions of the cowboy life. But his poem “The Lost Pardner” about the intimate love of two cowboys has a special kind of beauty. It points to the often forgotten queerness of frontier life, where there was plenty of space to be alone and plenty of cowboys to be alone with. Badger Clark wasn’t the only one out there. Queer fur trappers, stagecoach drivers, European explorers, and poets, like Clark, made their way out west looking for the freedom of a new context. And for many of them, that’s what they found. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Just after the new year, Kaitlin and Mitra take a business trip to small town Ontario to meet Steffy. At six foot two inches, Stefonknee is the tallest six year old you will ever meet. Of course, she isn’t actually six. She is an age-player, meaning she likes to pretend to be a kid. She fluidly moves in and out of her six year old self and her adult self. In addition to her male and female identities. Steffy is in a place of peace with her identities after a very traumatic falling out with her family, which for trans folks, is unfortunately, not uncommon. Here are the results of a 2011 survey the American trans community. The National Center for Transgender Equality is launching another survey this summer. You can sign up to take the survey or help distribute it here. In addition to our dynomite team, this story could not have been possible without the help of so many people. Production Assistance by Maria Dønvang. Editorial Advising by Julia Alsop, Brendan Baker, Kelsey Padgett, Tina Horn and Ignacio Rivera. The biggest thanks to Mummy & Daddy and of course, Stefonknee Wolscht. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Our friend Dr. Emily Nagoski debunks tired, widely held ideas about sex and replaces them with perfectly clear, scientifically sound explanations. One of those new ideas totally blew our minds, so we’re bringing you our take on the “Dual Control Model.” Dr. Nagoski has compiled all of her brilliance into a book, called “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Change Your Sex Life,” in stores now. Trust us, it’s a good read. If you’d like a fun illustrated guide that explains the model, check out Oh Joy Sex Toy’s version (the best webcomic in the world). Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

A one day’s love has a life cycle. It’s born, it lives a very brief life, and then it dies. That’s it. It’s usually cut short by circumstance, often by time or distance. Sometimes there’s only enough magic for the one night for one night of connection–just a little bit of love. But what if there’s a chance that there’s a little more magic left? Can a one day’s love live another day? After a whirlwind night on the subway with a mysterious man with an easy laugh and terrible taste in music, Caroline decided to give her one day’s love a second chance. This second installment in our “One Day’s Love” series is about trying to turn one special moment into many special moments. Can it be done? Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Eintagsliebe, a sort of real German word meaning one day’s love. Or, a fling. This can be analogous to the mayfly, eintagsfliege. The mayfly sneaks in through an open window, lives her little mayfly life to the fullest, perhaps even finding her true mayfly love. Then before she knows it, death has overtaken her. She lies limply in the windowsill. It was Friday October 26th 2012 and Hurricane Sandy was slowly descending upon New York City. Mitra was at dinner with Kaitlin, feeling a bit down in the dumps, she decided to make a love plan that turned into a prophecy. Upon Mitra’s return home, she finds a man sitting on her couch that she cannot deny her attraction to. This series is an ode to the short and sweet moments in life, the ones you can never get over. The moments that you wish lasted longer because they were so intense, so perfect, so everything you’ve ever wanted to feel with another human being. You wish you could document every second of your parallel existences together, to show the world, that your love is the best. But you don’t because, much like the mayfly, it’s going to be over before it can ever really start. This story was produced with help from Lucas Adams. Lucas draws cartoons. You can find some of this work here. The song, Eintagsliebe by Marteria was a huge inspiration for this series. Listen to it here and be inspired. Special thanks to Daniel Gross and Michele Robinson for confirming that Eintagsliebe could in fact be a german word. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

It was sometime in the early years of their marriage when Gerda Weganer asked her husband, Einar, to dress in women’s clothes and sit for a painting. The intended subject was running late, and suggested to Gerda that Einar be her stand in. “His legs and feet are as pretty as mine,” she said. All dressed up in a wig, painted with rouge and powders, and buckled into high-heeled shoes, Einar, now Lili, looked into the mirror with a singular wonder: “Was it really possible that I could be so good looking?” So begins the story of Lili Elbe, a transgender painter and painter’s muse, who underwent one of the first series of modern gender confirmation surgeries. Her third surgery, meant to implant a uterus, eventually killed her, but not before she documented her life stories into papers that would later be compiled into the book, Man into Woman. Lili Elbe’s hope was that her book fall into the hands of people like her. She wanted her words to help generations of trans people know that they weren’t alone. Unfortunately, the book is out of print. So when we got our hands on a copy, we couldn’t wait to share one of our favorite scenes, Lili’s christening night. Here’s a little history, from The Heart. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

It’s fun to try to be beautiful when people are giving you positive attention for it. It hurts if you’re not meeting that standard and people treat you like you aren’t even there. You watch the people who are getting a lot of positive attention for being that certain kind of beautiful and you are made to feel invisible. Or worse, people go out of their way to make you feel bad. It’s hard to be a woman, yes. It’s a lot harder to be a woman who’s hairier, wider, bigger, taller, square instead of round, straight up and down instead of curvy, big hands, big feet, no vagina and maybe no breasts either. A woman who isn’t quite looking like what some people think a woman should look like. But who is finding her way. To these women, the world can be downright cruel. More than cruel, violent. Harassment often escalates into assault, and more often than you would like to hear, escalates into full on homicide. For these women, being womanly in the way we are told we have to is sometimes about more than beauty. It’s about survival. This episode is about the story of one woman’s quest for beauty. It was a collaboration with badass poet and radio maker, Julia Alsop. After we finished production we invited Zil Goldstein into my walk-in closet magic sound booth to talk through some of the blind spots in the story. Zil is a nurse practitioner, working specifically to help medical providers be more LGBT aware. If you are interested in learning more about the disproportionate amount of violence that trans women face theNational Coalition Against Violence Project puts out a yearly report. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Short and Sweet: Mid month we bring you something short. Whitney Jones (producer at PITCH) tells us about his first love, and 27 other firsts in chronological order. Originally produced on Cowbird. You will also hear some previews of first kisses, which we’ll be sharing at our Launch Party. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

When we do something for the first time, we enter into a world with new rules. It’s the creation of a new path, a new possibility. We meet this threshold with no knowledge of what will happen, how we or the world will react. Once the rules of the game change, once we do something that we’ve never done before, the question of how to navigate the new world is what comes next. What do we do after the first kiss? Will it give way to the first holding of hands, the first public display of affection, the first sex, the first week sleeping in someone else’s bed every night? Or will it be the first, but also — the last? This is a story featuring Drew Denny, a singer, songwriter, filmmaker and artist. You can check out her first feature film here. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

A radio show is born. Again. We all go through phases and have an identity crisis or three. Audio Smut started as an hour long broadcast radio show at CKUT in Montreal, and has transformed into a delicately crafted podcast now part of PRX’s Radiotopia network. We cordially welcome you to The Heart. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

An Interlude. This is an interview about necking (or lack thereof). A kiss over time: at the beginning, in the middle, at the end. If you don’t like how somebody kisses, can you grow into it? Samara’s Grandma tells us her story. This episode is part of our kissing series. If you want to hear more, go here: http://audiosmut.tumblr.com/ Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Episode Twelve.Kaitlin and Kyle. They met at a kissing booth. On their first date they went on a recording adventure (for one of the early Audio Smut documentaries about the Drag Queens). They became obsessed with each other. They ended up making audio recordings of a lot of almost everything that happened between them.This is the last episode of the season. It is also the last episode of Audio Smut. Don’t cry! We will be starting something new in a few months, better and more beautiful than ever before.Winner of the Hearsay International Audio Festival GOLD AWARD for best documentary. Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Episode Eleven.Audio Smut presents: a radio play. This episode was a documentary experiment, produced in collaboration with composer Shani Aviram. We set out asking questions about how perception is altered in early romantic relationships. How does your sense of reality fail you when you’re falling in love? After months of research and 17 interviews, we decided to write a single narrative encompassing the experiences and facts we unearthed.Winner of the Prix Italia Gold Award for New Formats. Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

A Quickie.Behold the almighty power of the V. Vaginas can hold the largest and smallest of objects with barely the slightest uncomfort. So it just makes sense to stash your weed in there. Star reporter, Ruth Eddy tells us how she came to use her natural pocket.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Episode Ten.This episode is about growing up, becoming an adult, entering a stage of independence: shaving cream, tampons, driving, voting, doing your own dishes, doing your own taxes and sex. This episode will take you on a path of rituals, formal or otherwise.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Episode Nine.The written word: a way to fuel a romance, a way to capture someone’s attention, a way to break up. We read people’s most private letters, and tell the story of the relationships that were made and broken by them.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

A Quickie.In 1909, James Joyce wrote his wife, Nora Barnacle, a series of very sexy letters. While her side of the correspondence has been lost, we still have Joyce’s letters–and they’re really good. In this quickie, we’re reading you one of our favorites.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

(Welcome to Season Two)FU*K LOVE. Family. Responsibility. Survival. Economic Stability. These were once much more important to things to build your life on. This episode looks at the ideal of true love, how it came to be and what exists outside of it.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

A Quickie: Do you believe in true love?Does it really exist, or is it just a mythology made up by Hollywood? How would you define true love? Jonathan Goldstein shares his thoughts on this Valentine’s Day special.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Episode Seven.Psychologist and sexologist, John Money came up with the theory of a lovemap. A lovemap is a template. It’s a template that we are constantly measuring our sexual and romantic experiences against. It’s the map of what we like, who we like and how we like it. Money’s idea is that we all have one, and they tend to be pretty specific, right down to how exactly you need to be touched to have an orgasm. In this episode of Audio Smut we explore different kinds of lovemaps; sexual lovemaps that deviate from preconceived notions of what is suppose to happen when one body meets another, dating lovemaps unveiling our tendencies in relationships and finally, the physical map of touch.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

A Quickie: This quickie is a history- a love map, if you will- of how Kaitlin manages to be such a productive person.Also, this is the reason why Kaitlin insists on holding our meetings in coffee shops. Here, the lines between public and private, work and pleasure, get a little blurry.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Episode SixHomelessness isn’t really something that can be easily defined. Sometimes people make choices, other times people have no choices. In this episode, we have three situations from three very different people about how they managed to get by.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

A Quickie: Keith’s virginity story.Keith is and always has been an extremely charming man. I know it was the 90s, but there is nothing charming about a yellow jumpsuit. Poor clothing choices aside, Keith still proves to be a chick magnet. If you love this story, stay tuned for our next episode coming out on Sunday July 7th where you will hear more of Keith plus some other truly incredible tales.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Episode Five.It’s your highschool sex ed class. Mrs. Green is going to play a movie. You are very excited. The room goes dark, the movie begins. You’re already a little bit aroused; you’ve seen pornography before but never in public with all your friends. Until you see the VAGINAS DESTROYED FOREVER because of unprotected sex. Penises OOZING MYSTERY SLIME never to ejaculate normally again! Encrusted growths! Rotting flesh! You carry a mortal fear of STIs for your entire adult life. Until you get one.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

A Quickie: What will people think?This story happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of Audio Smut Producer, Erin. When surfing the Casual Encounters on Craigslist one must be prepared to be surprisingly turned on. Things get hot on there. Our shero finds a posting that speaks to her. She is turned on and cannot get this man’s fantasy out of her mind. She is so struck that she responds. She has never responded to a Craigslist ad. She is terrified, excited, and extremely nervous. Tonight, we go to the movies.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Episode Four.The good times and the bad times of making babies. Babies being born is a topic we accidentally avoid on audio smut. But the fact is, we have bodies that make us babies and sex is involved, albeit in many different ways. In this episode, we look at three different stories of babies being born.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

A Quickie: The time that god punished you for having a threesome with my sister.Devon is one of Kaitlin’s oldest friends from high school. They now live in different cities and see each other yearly if they’re lucky. Kaitlin’s sister recently moved Toronto. The rest of this story is in the gutter, literally. Devon has a very sensitive stomach. He ate too much curry and spicy peppers on the night that was to end with him and two beautiful, naked women. A dream come true, right?Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Episode Two.Seriously, what’s the big deal.In this episode, we tackle one of the biggest taboos. We eat food, everyday and eventually that food has to come out. Yeah it’s gross and stinky but it is one of the most natural things that our body does. Nonetheless, it’s quite common for people to have hang ups around anything that has to do with butts.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

A Quickie: We bring to you a surprising letter from Mozart.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Episode One.Experience more than sight, sound, smell, taste, touch. Venture with us beyond the 5-way sense scape.Tip the show and its creators. This audio magic wouldn't exist without the generous donations of its fans. Thank you! Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices