Structural Grief and Autonomy in Parenting with Dr. Debra Brause
The David Kaufer Podcast: The Lighter Side of the Spectrum
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Show Notes
David welcomes clinical psychologist Dr. Debra Brause, a California-based writer for Psychology Today and mother of a neurodivergent teen, to discuss “structural grief,” which Brause notes was coined by Dr. Michael Hogue: grief not about the child, but about ableist, capitalist systems (school, healthcare, benefits) and collapsed normative timelines. In an autism fact-or-fiction segment, Brause challenges the belief that parents must grieve the child they expected, reframing grief as systemic and inviting a reorientation toward presence, care, and community. They discuss homeschooling after harmful school experiences, and distinguish autonomy (self-direction with support) from independence (doing things alone). Brause’s tip urges parents to notice triggers, address unresolved trauma, and avoid shaming behaviors like stimming; she recommends mindful self-compassion resources and community support such as Tilt Parenting.
Topics
00:36 Meet Dr Debra Brause
03:00 Her Journey to Autism
05:17 Autism Fact or Fiction
06:02 Rethinking Parental Grief
12:25 Defining Structural Grief
14:52 School System Breaking Points
19:56 Autonomy vs Independence
22:50 Fear of Disability Culture
24:13 Setting Up Tip Segment
24:39 Do Your Own Work
25:07 Triggers and Stimming
26:58 Compliance vs Acceptance
27:47 Fears and Behavior Therapy
31:03 Rupture and Repair
33:47 Forgiveness and Trauma Time
35:48 Mindful Self Compassion
39:02 Writing and Advocacy
41:20 Parent Confession Fix It Mode
44:55 Community and Support
47:15 Connect and Wrap Up