The Daily Dad

Dr. Edith Enger’s son was born with athetoid cerebral palsy. A diagnosis like this would be scary whenever one gets it, but getting it decades ago was scarier still. Dr. Enger (then not a doctor) and her immigrant husband, who had both survived the Holocaust, were frustrated and confused and overwhelmed. One day, at a visit to the doctor’s office, Edith Enger expressed some of these fears and worries to the specialist. It was there that she got some advice that is worth sharing for every parent, whether their family ever has to face that kind of adversity or not. “You son will be whatever you make of him,” the doctor explained. “John’s going to do everything everyone else does, but it’s going to take him longer to get there. You can push him too hard, and that will backfire, but it will also be a mistake not to push him hard enough. You need to push him to the level of his potential.” Your kids will be whatever you make them. It’s true of parenting and it’s true of life. Edith Enger is living proof of that (everyone should read her book, The Choice). She survived the death camps. She survived communism. She survived coming to America with nothing. She decided she would make something of those experiences. She refused to accept that her son was forever compromised, believed that he would thrive if she—and he—believed he could.No one is saying that things won’t be hard. No one is saying that any of this is fair—dyslexia or disabilities, being a refugee or losing your job, being a genius or being short, divorce or having to change schools. What matters is what we make of it. What matters is who we push them (and ourselves) to be. What matters is the kindness and the love and the patience we accompany that pushing with. We can’t do everything for them—that would only make them helpless anyway—but we can believe in them and help them believe in themselves. We can help them reach the level of their potential. We can make them be what they are capable of. We have to. That’s our job.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Your kids should be grateful. Not to you and mom, of course, you’re just doing your job. You’re legally and biologically obligated. Your kids should be grateful for everything. We all should be. This is a wonderful time to be alive. Even if it wasn’t—it’s amazing that any of us are alive at all. The odds are astronomically small that we are. So it’s important that you teach your kids about gratitude. Because it’s so easy to take life, to take the gifts we have been given, for granted. Especially when we’re stressed, when you’re a kid with homework or acne or a room to clean. Jason Harris, the CEO of Mekanism—an award-winning ad agency—and the author of The Soulful Art of Persuasion, has an interesting practice for how to persuade your kids to have a more grateful outlook about life. As he writes:As I tell our boys, you’ve got to be great—but you’ve also got to be grateful. Every Sunday night we write down in our book three things for which we are individually grateful. I know this is not an earth-shattering idea. And I’m not the kind of guy who loves shouting out my “intentions” in a yoga class. But this practice has made a world of difference for me and my kids. It resets you and gets you prepped for the week ahead. The things they write down can be big-ticket items like a place to live, or just the fact that they are alive and kicking. But they can also be little things, like something good that happened at school or a play in a game. What’s helpful about writing these reflections in a notebook is that you can consult previous entries and jog your memory on truly trying days. It helps them go back and tap into those feelings when they may seem lost and hopeless.My boys like the routine and look forward to it each week. This is an exercise that takes less than ten minutes, and yet the effects can be dramatic. Keeping thoughts of gratitude on the surface of your mental life can help you realize that whatever might be going wrong today, on balance we all have a ton to be positive about.Beautiful. And how much more beautiful would the world be if more of us took up this practice? And practiced it with our kids?See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

When we think teacher, we think classroom. When we think leader, we think the corner office or the lectern or a general in front of their troops. But the truth is that a teacher can do their job anywhere and in many forms, just as a leader can. Plutarch would say of Socrates that he “did not set up desks for his students, sit in a teacher’s chair, or reserve a prearranged time for lecturing and walking with his pupils. No, he practiced philosophy while joking around (when the chance arose) and drinking and serving on military campaigns and hanging around the marketplace with some of his students, and finally, even while under arrest and drinking the hemlock. He was the first to demonstrate that our lives are open to philosophy at all times and in every aspect, while experiencing every emotion, and in each and every activity.” As with teaching and with leadership and with philosophy, so too with parenting. You can be a dad anywhere. It’s not just on fishing trips or at family dinners. It’s not just about carrying them around in a baby bjorn or going to back-to-school night. It’s not about punishments or incentives, or rules or life lessons, though of course it’s also about all these things too. Remember what we’ve talked about with quality time vs. garbage time? It may just be that the most impact you’ll have as a dad will come while joking around, it may come on a walk, it may come with how you do your job (and show them your work), it may come on a family vacation or it may come while you’re watching TV and make some passing comment that lands in exactly the right way. It may come—god forbid—on your deathbed, as you depart from this life with courage and compassion, showing them that they don’t need to be afraid, that you love them and that they’ll be okay without you.Being a Dad is not some official thing. It’s not sitting on high, doling out pronouncements and demanding obedience. It’s something you do anywhere and everywhere, every minute of every day in the same way that Socrates taught—by example, by getting down to their level, by being open, and by adapting to the situation at hand.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

There is so much to do. Your kids have to be dressed. They have to eat. They have go to school. They have to do well in school. They’ll need jobs. They’ll need to figure out finding a home, finding a spouse, navigating the difficulties of the world. There is so much to do...and they are so bad at all of it. So where does a parent draw the line? How do you know where to help, what to handle for them, what to tell them doesn’t matter and they don’t have to worry about?Of course, there are no rules. No one can give you a perfect list: Pay for their college, but not their car. Cook them food but don’t do their homework for them. Clean the kitchen but not their room.So maybe instead we should look for a good principle to follow instead. Perhaps this one from Plutarch would work: "A leader should do anything,” he said, “but not everything." Our job is to help our kids but not make them helpless. We want to teach them how to do things, not necessarily do them for them. That means encouraging them to make their own decisions, that means modeling the right behavior, that means showing them that the only person to blame in life is ourselves (and no one else). A great leader is never above rolling up their sleeves. Like a great dad, they’ll do anything for their family or their organization. But they also know they can’t do everything. It’s not good for them or for anyone else.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Way too many parents are competitive. They see the car their neighbor is driving and they want to get a better one. They hear that a friend’s kid got into a fancy school and they think, “My kid is smarter. I’ve got to get them in there too.” We want to make more money than other parents, we want our kids to beat other kids in sports, we want our kids to be cuter than other kids, we want our houses to be cleaner. Needless to say, this is mostly toxic and negative. But that competitive urge is hard to get rid of. So where should we channel it? We've told you about Jeannie Gaffigan before, whose haunting story of a surprise pear-sized tumor changed her and her family’s life. She found a good outlet. She explained that during her recuperation from the surgery her husband brought out a new side of himself and created a healthy, positive dynamic in their relationship: I noticed that like Jim started learning all about the day to day stuff. Out of necessity, but I feel like in my recovery, he has a whole different level of appreciation for me. And also he'd do things like my son Jack was going to like all these bar mitzvahs every weekend because everyone was turning 13. And I'm bad at tying ties, but I would do it because he wasn't home. And then he would be like, when he does something better than me, he brags about it. He's like, ‘who ties the better tie?’ So there was a lot of this kind of fun competition of who made eggs better. And it was a different level of our relationship because before he was not doing that stuff.Don’t compete with other dads, or other families. Compete with your spouse. Compete with their mother. Who can use their phone less? Who can get them down to bed fastest? Who can convince the kids to do that thing they hate doing with the least amount of arguing? Who can pick up the most slack? Who can get up earliest and start breakfast? Who can complain the least?You’ll both be better and happier for it. Your kids might not notice...but they’ll be happier and better for it too.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

A few weeks ago, there was a fascinating piece about the controversial NFL receiver Antonio Brown. Of course, anything about Antonio Brown is fascinating—his behavior in the last several months has cost him something like $40M in guaranteed money and taken the best wide receiver in the game out of the game, possibly forever. But what’s worth taking note of in this piece, for any dad or stepdad, are two seemingly inconsequential remarks by Larry Moss, Brown’s stepfather. Brown and his brothers, Desmond and Eddie, would often try to intervene in arguments between their mom, Adrianne Moss, and Larry—arguments Larry attributes to trying to parent Antonio.Larry Moss, Brown's stepfather, says Brown started staying out late and sneaking off with cars around the age of 14, with a "no respect" attitude that contributed to his leaving the Miami Gardens home. As Larry remembers it, he and Brown's mother even lived in separate homes at times because of friction between him and Brown.Imagine that. 17 years later this guy is still pointing the finger at a child for the troubles in his marriage. And he’s so shameless about it, he’s willing to put it on the record to ESPN. This is not what dads do—even if they do have difficult children, even if they are stressed and overwhelmed by being a father or stepfather. We have to follow Marcus Aurelius’ advice always: “Blame yourself or no one.” Your spouse is not the problem. Your job is not the problem. The economy is not why you’re stressed. It’s not the weather. The fact that the house is a mess is not your kid’s fault. The fact that their grades are slipping is not their fault. That’s not why your marriage is struggling. You’re the problem. Your systems are the problem. Your parenting is the problem. Focus on that. It’s the only thing you control. It’s your job to take the blame. It’s your job to help fix it. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The writer Thomas Sowell once noted, sardonically, how sad it is that editions of Frederick Douglass’s memoirs, when provided for high school students, were forced to provide annotated definitions of many words. What does it say, he asked, that a slave in the 1800s was able—under the penalty of severe violence—to teach himself a vocabulary that privileged high school students cannot manage after a hundred and fifty years of progress? And what does it say that we have to spoon feed them the answers to these vexing problems—how could they possibly look up a word without our help!—instead of expecting them to figure it out themselves?We have talked before about why it’s important not to baby your kids when it comes to reading. We have also talked about teaching them that “everything is figureoutable”—that is, giving them the skills to learn what they don’t know. But it’s also important that, as a father, you provide the expectation that they are capable of doing things. If you treat your kid like a helpless idiot...they’ll stay one. If you assume that certain ideas are beyond their comprehension, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your kids will not learn that which you expect them not to be able to learn. Equally, they will grow and strive and struggle to meet the expectations you do have. If Frederick Douglass could do it, your kid can definitely do it. He had to fear for his life. He had not only to steal time to read, he had to steal books and newspapers too. Your children have far more advantages. So expect, encourage, inspire them to seize this. Expect great things from them, expect progress, but most of all, expect them to try.They’ll be better for it. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

In 2009, after winning two National Championships as the head coach of the Florida Gators football team, Urban Meyer stunned the nation by announcing his retirement. The self-admitted workaholic, Meyer made the decision to step down due to a health scare. He woke up in the middle of the night with severe chest pains, lost consciousness, and was rushed to a hospital in an ambulance. He said that when his 18-year-old daughter, Nicki, found out her father would be leaving his job in Florida, she hugged him and said, “I get my daddy back.” She didn’t care about National Championships. She didn’t care about multi-million dollar salaries. She didn’t care about how many people admired her father. She cared that all those things meant her father was never around. So she drafted a contract he had to sign before he ever agreed to another coaching position. What were the terms?1. My family will always come first.2. I will take care of myself and maintain good health.3. I will go on a trip once a year with Nicki (at minimum).4. I will not go more than nine hours a day at the office.5. I will sleep with my cell phone on silent.6. I will continue to communicate daily with my kids.7. I will trust God's plan and not be overanxious.8. I will keep the lakehouse.9. I will find a way to watch Nicki and Gigi play volleyball.10. I will eat three meals a day.It’s a beautiful sentiment, reminiscent of something we talked about recently: King Leonidas choosing 300 Spartan fathers because he knew fathers do whatever they have to do to not let their children down. Would that be the case for Meyer? He returned to football in 2011, taking the head coaching job at Ohio State. In 2015, a caller on a radio show asked Meyer if he still honored Nicki’s contract. He laughed, saying "I tore that thing up a long time ago...It was all for show." Yikes. In 2019, he retired from Ohio State...due to the "long-term risks" associated with a health issue. It was also done in the shadow of mishandling domestic abuse allegations against his former receivers coach.Just because Urban Meyer fell short doesn’t mean the contract was a bad idea, it doesn’t mean we have fall short ourselves. What would a contract with your kids look like? What terms do you need to agree to to have a happier, healthier life? To protect you from your own drive and workaholism? To make sure your family is always firstSign it and stick to it.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It’s a story as old as fatherhood itself. The son or daughter kills themselves to win the approval of their dad, which never seems to come. There is pain, resentment, bewilderment. I have worked so hard to make you proud, am I just not enough? Only at the end, or after the parent’s death, is it revealed: The child had the thing they wanted all along. They just never knew.This was Claudia Williams’, the daughter of Ted Williams, story. Only buried in a pile of memorabilia did she find a note left by her impossible-to-please father. “To my beautiful daughter,” it said, “I love you. Dad.’” In a recent obituary of the brilliant publisher Sonny Mehta, Roger Cohen writes:“When Mehta’s father, a diplomat, died in Vienna, Mehta found in his desk a folder with every article ever published about him. The pride of his father, who had never complimented his son, was evident.”It breaks your heart. Why couldn’t they have expressed some of this when they were alive? Was it a generational thing? Did they think it was helping to make their kids better, tougher? We wonder this about our own parents sometimes: Did they lack the words, did they just not know any better? Why couldn’t they have been more like Jim Valvano’s father and given us the gift of being a fan?In the end, these questions don’t get answered. We’ll never know. What we do know, what does matter, is what we do with our kids right now. We have been given a second chance. We have been given our own opportunity. We can’t wait to be proud. We can’t keep our feelings for them hidden under piles of paper or in a drawer in our desk. We have to tell them now. We have to show them now.That we’re rooting for them. That we love them. That we believe in them. That we’re proud of them. Because we are. And they deserve to know it—before it’s too late. Before it’s just some bittersweet memory of a connection that should have been there...but for mysterious reasons, never was made.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

When our kids mess up we say: Aren’t you a little old for that? And we have all sorts of rules of thumb for what things are age appropriate or not—what age they should stop having accidents, what age they should stop throwing a tantrum just because they’re tired, what age it stops being okay for other people to have to pick up after them. You’re too old to act this way. It’s time to grow up.But, unfortunately, we apply this standard to ourselves less often. Whether it’s as serious as an affair or as silly as getting hangry because you neglected to eat, we seem to forget that we should be policing ourselves first. Our kids are at least still kids, even when they’re acting a bit beneath their age. You’re an adult. What excuse do you have?“We ought not willingly add to old age, which has many of its own problems, the shame of misbehaviors.” That’s Cato the Elder, who seems to have really lived up to that second part of his name. Remind yourself today and every day that you are getting older, that it’s time to grow out of these silly habits you’ve allowed yourself to fall into. Remind yourself that you’re too old to act out, to stoop this low, to not be responsible for yourself. It doesn’t matter if other people are willing to let you get away with it—because you’re a success in your field, because you have a patient spouse, because you’re in private—what matters is that you shouldn’t let yourself get away with it. You’re too old to act out. And even if you weren’t, remember your kids are always watching—a little fellow follows you—so act like the adult that they believe you are.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Pretty much every parent wants to raise kids who turn out to be good people. Almost no father thinks: I’d love for my son to be rich, but awful. Or I’d love for my daughter to be famous, but vapid and cruel. It’s a given. And yet, when you look at most of what we do and say as parents, especially as our kids get older, it’s clear that what we’re actually encouraging and incentivizing is for our kids to be successful. We want to hear how they did on their math test and whether they came in first running laps in PE. We want to know what college they want to go to, and how their extracurriculars are going. We nudge them toward a field of work that’s lucrative, that’s exciting, that will mean they won’t have to worry about money. The problem is that none of this has anything to do with what deep down we actually know we want—that we want them to be good and kind and wonderful to be around. So, clearly, it’s time to rethink some things. As Adam Grant and his wife, Allison Sweet Grant, wrote in a wonderful piece for The Atlantic, maybe the key is to stop trying to raise successful kids. Maybe the key is to change what you give attention to at home and in conversation. Instead, you need to actively discuss and reward thinking about the values that have to do with character. As they write: “To demonstrate that caring is a core value, we realized that we needed to give it comparable attention. We started by changing our questions. At our family dinners, we now ask our children what they did to help others. At first, ‘I forget’ was the default reply. But after a while, they started giving more thoughtful answers. ‘I shared my snack with a friend who didn’t have one,’ for example, or ‘I helped a classmate understand a question she got wrong on a quiz.’ They had begun actively looking for opportunities to be helpful, and acting upon them.”Brilliant. And practical and actionable. It’s worth every father building into their breakfast and dinner conversations and time driving in the car. Don’t ask them about the things that don’t matter in the big scheme of things, don’t teach them that they can impress you with accomplishments alone. Show them that excellence is what matters—moral excellence. That being a good person is not just what you pay lip service to, but what you are always thinking about. So they will too. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

One of the things Napoleon advised his generals against was “forming a picture” of the battle. What he meant was that your preconceived notions, your predictions, were a dangerous liability in something as fluid and fast-paced as a battle. As it happens, this is good advice for fathers as well. It’s easy to go into it thinking that you know. Because you’ve read the books. Because you’re on your third kid now and have it handled. Because you and your spouse have a plan for how to do it all right. And then guess what? Unavoidable reality quickly humbles anyone with this kind of certainty. Many dads go into fatherhood with strong ideas of how differently they’re going to do things than their own parents. They were upset or hurt or never understood why their dad was the way he was. And what do they soon find out from firsthand experience? That, in a lot of cases, there was actually a logic to it. That dad wasn’t as big of a jerk as he seemed to you, a little kid. That it was more a timeless function of the job than any decision they were consciously making. When we talked to James Frey a while back about what he’d learned about fatherhood, his answer was along similar lines. He described being a father as an “ongoing process of learning and adjusting and adapting.” Every situation, every kid, was different, he said. In other words, you can’t form a picture. Not of fatherhood. Not of your family. Not of each of your kids. You don’t know how it’s going to go. You don’t even have much of a vote in a lot of it. Which is why we have to be willing to adjust. To be flexible. To always be ready to learn and to change.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Rules and regulations are important. A child needs to learn what behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not. They need structure and guidance. They need to learn about responsibility and accountability; about how actions have consequences; about respecting authority. Sensible, hardset rules can help with a lot of those things. But arbitrary rules that we make up simply for our own convenience, those are something we should step back from and think hard about. You know the kind we’re talking about. The ones produced in the moment, on the spot, as a response to that one-word question our children learn early and that has a special way of driving us nuts: Why? Because I said so! Because I don’t want to do that.For a long time, one of the arbitrary rules in Jeannie Gaffigan’s house had to do with slime. Maybe your kids are too old to care about slime, but it’s not difficult to relate Jeannie’s dilemma. Sure, the kids are having fun, but it’s a pain in the ass to clean up, and who do you think is going to be the one left with the scrubber and the paper towels in their hands? Recently, though, Jeannie Gaffigan had a change of heart about her rules—particularly after a battle with a benign but very life threatening brain tumor. She recently talked about it and her brush with death on Marc Maron’s podcast:“My nine year old just turned 10. She is into making slime. You know, this is a big thing, right? It's this whole little science thing. So my daughter is really into this slime thing and I had a list of rules and regulations for slime in the house and how to deal with it because I was finding it in places that are like—AH! But after the surgery, I realized that I never asked, 'can you teach me how to make the slime?' I never engaged with the slime. I engaged with the control of the slime.”We don’t want to deal with the mess. So we come up with a rule. We’re too tired when we get home from work. Rule. We just got that carpet and it was expensive. Rule. We’re adults, this is silly. Rule. Our kids could be making better use of their time. Rule. We just don’t have the patience right now. Rule. What we seem to have less rules about are with ourselves. Why not a rule about being interested? Why not a rule about playing and having fun together? Why not a rule about encouraging their fascinations rather than curtailing them? Those are the important rules because they will bring you and your kids closer together. They will help you relax. And, of course, as Jeannie explained, you can still limit where the slime is used in your house. ”There's still rules,” she said somewhat obviously. Because like in any healthy household, there has to be. But make the shared experience--make the fun together--come first. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It’s interesting to think about the steady decline in expectations for our kids when it comes to reading. Sure, we want them to be able to read earlier than ever, but what about what they read? Not long ago, kids were taught Latin and Greek so they could read the classics...in their original languages. Think of Aesop’s Fables. Think of children being read Plutarch’s Lives by their parents. This is heavy stuff. And purposefully so. Because when you read old school books, what you’re really doing is acquainting yourself with the obscure yet illustrative figures from the ancient world while also displaying a willingness to wrestle with timeless and morally complex topics. There is a quote from George Orwell, which dates to the early 20th century, that illustrates how much things have changed. “Modern books for children are rather horrible things,” he said, “especially when you see them in the mass. Personally I would sooner give a child a copy of Petronius Arbiter than Peter Pan, but even Barrie seems manly and wholesome compared with some of his later imitators.”How many adults even know who Petronius is? (He was a writer who lived in the court of Nero). And how many adults today probably winced at the idea that a book should teach kids how to be manly? Even the idea of wholesomeness is controversial! Wholesome according to whom? The white male patriarchy? The west? The Judeo-Christian tradition? This is how the discussion devolves these days. Is it any surprise then that the children and young adult sections of today’s bookstores are filled with so much infantilizing escapism, fantastical melodrama, ie just plain absurd nonsense? The curmudgeons among us want to blame millennials and Gen Z for this. Their laziness and faltering tastes are why we’re awash in this stuff. But do you really believe our kids are dumber than the kids of Orwell’s time? Or back before that? Of course not! They’re kids. We’re the problem. Parents. Adults. Educators. Publishers. As a collective, we’ve stopped believing our kids are capable of reading challenging books. So we provide them without “kids editions” and give them silly picture books, instead of helping the build their reading muscles, and then we wonder why they can’t handle heavy stuff. Well stop it. Push them. Push yourself. They aren’t babies. Or at least they shouldn’t be after they’ve learned to read for themselves.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The ancient writer—and father—Plutarch tells us of a parenting strategy he discovered in the works of Plato. “Young people must be taught from childhood,” he said, “that it is not right to wear gold on their bodies or to possess it, since they have their own personal gold intermixed into their soul, hinting (I think) at the virtue that is part of human nature and received at birth.” It’s a beautiful idea: They don’t need to wear that most precious and sought after ornament...because they are made of something much more precious. Even more beautiful is the timelessness of this observation. Plato said it over 2000 years ago...and Mr. Rogers ended every one of his programs with something very similar. "You've made this day a special day by just being you,” he would say. “There's no person in the whole world like you, and I like you just the way you are." We must, as parents, teach our children where their value really lies. It’s not in accomplishments. It’s not in what they earn or how they look. It’s not to be found in anything external at all. It’s inherent. It exists because they exist. Because there is no one on the planet with their same combination of DNA and experiences and circumstances. That’s what makes them special—what makes them rarer than any of the rarest jewels and more precious than the most precious metals. That’s why we love them. And why they should love and value themselves. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The late ESPN broadcaster—and father of two girls—Stuart Scott, was once sitting in a restaurant with some friends and their respective children. Everyone was having fun, and it was one of those delightful scenes where you see parents bonding with their kids. The kids were behaving. The dads were present. All was well.Until a mom walked by and, recognizing Scott, tried to pay him a compliment for “babysitting the kids.” She did not realize that this was an insult to Scott—and in fact to all fathers. Because dads don’t babysit. It’s impossible. Babysitting is something somebody else does for your children on your behalf. A babysitter is by definition a non-parent. These were Scott’s kids. He couldn’t babysit on his own behalf. It’d be like calling a homeowner a security guard every time you see them lock their house when they leave for work. They’re not protecting someone else’s property, they’re just being a responsible homeowner. They’re just doing their job.Scott was doing his job. He was being a dad. No more, but certainly no less. As his friend would observe after Scott’s tragic death from cancer, “We didn’t see ourselves as an occasional parental figure who might take the kids off mom’s hands for a couple hours.”See what you do as important. Because it is. You’re not a babysitter. You’re not some lesser figure in your kids’ lives. When you are with them—and when you are not with them—you’re their father. That matters. It’s an important job, one that you should take seriously and never demean (and not let others demean, either). You’re doing it because you love it, because you get something out of it, and you know what kind of impact it has. Not because you’re covering for someone else. Not because anyone can do it. They can’t. You’re the only one who can. And that’s why it’s got a special name when you do it.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Right now, you’re thinking about what all the other parents are doing. What schools they’re getting their kids into. What the best strollers are. You’re thinking about how to get them to do their homework or how to keep their rooms clean. How to manage your life and career and staying in shape. It’s overwhelming and you’re stressed.Every dad is. So maybe it’s helpful to sit back and really think about what parental success really looks like. First, of course, it’s having healthy kids who survive to adulthood—that’s obvious. But second, when you flash way forward into the future, what is it? It’s that beautiful phrase captured in The Highwomen hit—it’s having a crowded table. At Thanksgiving. On birthdays. At some summer house on the beach you all rented as a family. That is: having kids who you get to see, who you have a good relationship with, who you want to spend time with...for the rest of your days. Tiger Moms and Tiger Dads might raise Harvard grads, but will they have crowded tables? Snowplow parents might feel important for the first eighteen years of their kids’ lives, but will those kids resent them for spoiling and sheltering them? Instead of a crowded table, might their house be crowded with kids who have failed to launch? Some of the best lyrics in the Highwomen song capture the path forward for a dad who is looking forward to those crowded table days:If we want a gardenWe're gonna have to sow the seedPlant a little happinessLet the roots run deepIf it's love that we giveThen it's love that we reapIf we want a gardenWe're gonna have to sow the seedIf you want a crowded table, you’ll need to plant the seeds. You’ll need to make the decisions now so they’ll want to make the decision to fly from their homes to yours when they’re older and have families of their own. That means listening without judgment. That means being a fan and a supporter. That means loving unconditionally. That means managing your temper. You’ll need to set the table today to have the one you’ll want tomorrow.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

A couple weeks ago, we talked about the sobering exercise of trying to observe other people getting upset or losing their temper at their kids. Nothing wakes you up quite like catching a reflection of yourself in other people, especially when it comes to our anger problems. But this exercise of looking in the mirror through people-watching can be used to address other bad habits and parenting flaws as well. One such area is our anxiety. Everyone knows anxious parents. The mom who is always worried about strangers with candy or drugs in Halloween treats. The dad who turns into a totally different person at the airport, turning the already stressful experience of traveling into a nightmare of conflict and needlessly high stakes. There are the couples who are always fighting about money, even though they are hardly starving, and whose lifestyle and insecurities are in a vicious negative feedback loop. There are the couples who are stressed—a decade and a half before they need to be—about where their kids will go to college, or the ones whose political views have them convinced the world is about to end and are thus perpetually outraged and worked up.When these folks catch our attention, we should turn our gaze towards their children. What effect is this having on them? What kind of energy is all this anxiety and stress causing? Is it solving any problems? Is it contributing to anyone’s happiness? Is it the source of a lot of misery?The point here is not to judge. It’s to see ourselves in someone else. We are all anxious. We all have our own bundles of worry and fear. And these things turn us into a type of person we do not want to be, and someone whom our children do not deserve. Anxiety doesn’t solve problems—it compounds them. It ratchets up the tension. Not just on you, but the impressionable and innocent people who have no choice but to live under your roof. It’s hard to watch other people behave this way, which is why we are usually in denial about behaving that way ourselves. You have to catch yourself. You have to work on yourself before you become the thing you cannot stand to look at.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We’ve talked before about David Epstein’s wonderful book Range, which advises against premature specialization—in athletes, in kids, in intellectual development. It tends to be better, he writes, to pursue a wide variety of activities and build a base of competence than it is to be like Tiger Woods--or rather like Earl Woods--and dedicate yourself or your child to golf at two years old. But it’s important that the message of this book is not oversimplified. There undoubtedly must come a time, as Epstein points out, for someone like Roger Federer, where you decide to commit to something and it becomes your thing. While you don’t want to do that too early, it’s important you don’t get to it too late either. Getting serious about becoming a Navy SEAL at age 35 is an exercise in futility (another lesson Tiger Woods learned too late). Which is why it’s important that we also pass along the advice that David Brooks has for young people in The Second Mountain. “Get to yourself quickly,” he writes. “If you know what you want to do, start doing it.” It’s ironic that the rise of specialization for kids seems to have also coincided with an increasingly extended adolescence for many kids. Now everybody is told to go to college. Then encouraged to travel. Or travel and then go to college. (Gap year consulting is now a real thing.) Then move to a new city. Date around, have flings. Try a handful of different jobs. People seem to be delaying getting serious about their lives...and then they wonder why they are falling behind, why they aren’t truly great at anything, why they are 35 years old and have little to show for their year and start thinking about the Navy SEALS.So this is the delicate balance you’ll have to figure out as you guide your kids through life. Don’t take options off the table too early...but don’t put off choosing forever. It’s great to be interested in lots of things...but you should still search for a true love. Don’t overly specialize...but if you have a calling, chase it!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Ted Williams was not a good father. We’ve written about this before, but it bears restating for our purposes here that while he was the greatest hitter to ever play baseball, he was quite literally the opposite as a father, totally neglecting the responsibilities of being a dad...until eventually his hardened exterior cracked. With time, and mostly due to the persistent efforts of his children, he began to connect and share with them. He began to be the father they had wanted and needed for so long. There is one scene in Wright Thompson’s profile of Williams’ daughter that shows Ted learning one of the most basic lessons of being a great father—one that we could all use a reminder of today (and, by the way, one that will make you a better husband and boss and person too). It happened when Claudia was going through a painful breakup. For some reason, she decided she would actually open up to her father about it, that she’d actually invite this man who had rejected her so many times when she was younger into her private pain. Almost immediately it became tense, a kind of argument about what to do. “Please don’t be mad,” she pleaded with him. “Just listen to me. I am hurting.”Williams grinded his teeth and struggled with his impotence towards another person’s problem. “What the hell do you want me to do about it!” he shouted. “I can’t do a fucking thing.Then Claudia said the words that every father needs to remember: “Just tell me you love me.”Then Williams said the words that every father needs to say: “JESUS CHRIST. I love you more than you’ll ever know. Most importantly, he did what you need to do more of, when your spouse has a problem, when your kids have a problem, when they come to you with news or with worries or with mistakes. He listened. Just listen. That’s all you have to do. You don’t always have to solve their problems You don’t have to tell them what they did wrong. You don’t have to make it go away. You just have to hear them. Because as often as not, what your loved ones are really looking for is love, not lessons. They don’t want fixes, they want friendship. They want a sympathetic ear, a confederate, someone to be on their side and to say “you’re right, screw those guys!”. You don’t need to have all the answers, you just have to let them know that you hear them and you love them. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

When you read parenting books, it’s hard not to get the distinct sense that there is a right way to parent. That being a dad (or a mom) means following a set of processes—backed up and confirmed by research—and that to do anything else is to deviate and fail. We think the same thing about teachers too: Here is how the best teachers operate, so be like that. But the truth is that it’s all relative. There is no right way because every child is different, every parent is different, every situation is different. Think about the story of the prodigal son—it’s a lesson about a bunch of things, but one of the subtler lessons is that different kids require different treatment. The father in that story wasn’t being unfair. He was being what each of his sons needed. Recently, we asked the author James Frey (yes, that James Frey—the brilliant and controversial novelist; read Katerina or Bright Shiny Morning if you haven’t yet) what he’s learned about fatherhood, and he actually told us something pretty similar:Being a Dad is an ongoing process of learning and adjusting and adapting. That for each kid, at each stage of that kid's life, you have to adjust and learn. I have three kids. Two girls and a boy in the middle. Being a Dad, to me, isn't like being a drill sergeant. There is no single way to handle each child...I don't want them all to be the same person. They are each unique, with their own personalities and strengths and struggles. And they are radically different at different ages. And that requires me to constantly be learning how to best raise them.It’s great advice and worth thinking about today. You have to be flexible. You have to be willing to approach each situation as a distinct set of circumstances and conditions. There is no “right way” to do things, but there is always a “right thing” to do in each situation. Adjust until you find it. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You’ve told them a million times. You told them why they need to study before their test, and they didn’t and they came home with a D. You told them about how their effort is the only thing they control in sports, and here they are, complaining—after refusing to take their training seriously—about why their friend gets more playing time. You’ve told them about manners. You’ve told them about not hitting their brother. You’ve told them why it’s important to keep their room clean.And yet, and yet and yet...Here you are. Looking at a dirty room. At bad grades. How many times do I have to tell you?, you hear yourself say. Are you deaf?Here’s a better question, one that might stop you cold: How many times have you been told? Not when you were a kid, but lately. About the importance of eating better. Of the relationship between exercise and weight. About how gross it is to bite your nails. To save for retirement. To read that important book. To update your operating system. And yet, and yet and yet...You’re still doing them. Or not doing them. You got a speeding ticket last month that cost you $250 and here you are still driving faster than you should. So why don’t you cut them a little break? Or at least be a little more understanding? Just because it’s clear what someone is supposed to do (or not do) doesn’t mean it’s easy. Especially when you’re a kid. Especially when your whole life is people throwing commands and demands at you. So relax. Be kind. Be patient. And maybe try to inspire them by showing them how it’s hard for you too—but you’re still trying. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Ted Williams was not a good father—at least not for most of his life. He was a great baseball player, but for a long time, he was a really selfish and ruthless person. He came from a horrible, abusive childhood himself and struggled to find the ability to love and care about anyone, including himself. It was like his own childhood prepared him to be a kind of lone wolf, a machine designed to do one thing really well (and caring about other people was not that thing). If you haven’t read Wright Thompson’s insanely beautiful profile of Williams’ daughter, Claudia Williams, you should. It starts off dark and depressing, but by the end it has enough hope in it to inspire even the most hard-boiled and reluctant fathers. Because, over time, due to the incredible efforts of his children, Ted Williams started to change. “What’s incredible as an observer was to watch him fall in love with his kids,” a friend says in the profile Thompson says in the piece about Williams.”The vulnerability of having love for your children. You could see it just gnaw. It was everything against his grain to succumb to this outside influence of children. Love had control over him. He felt vulnerable. A vulnerability he had never had in his life.” And that was starting to show itself in little hints, whether it was entries in Williams’ fishing journal, where for the first time he began to write about the kids he had long ignored or in the signed poster his daughter had found under piles of memorabilia after her father’s death, that just said, ‘To my beautiful daughter. I love you. Dad.’”You have that vulnerability now. Those same powerful forces are gnawing at you too, hopefully, and making progress on that tough exoskeleton you developed to protect yourself. You can let this change you, let this make you better. You can even begin—no matter how far you are down the road, as Williams was—start to make up for mistakes you might have made earlier in fatherhood. It’s never too late.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The great physicist Richard Feynman had a father who instilled his brilliant son with an interesting perspective about the world. Sitting down, he would lay the newspaper out on the table and ask his boy questions about what they saw and read. Once, when they came upon a photo of the Pope blessing a group of believers, Richard’s father asked his son if he knew the difference between the Pope and his followers. And then, before Richard could answer, he said, “The difference is the hat. He is wearing a hat.” His dad would repeat the same exercise whether it was a photo of a general with stars on their collar or a wealthy executive with an expensive suit. After years in the uniform business, Feynman’s father knew that people were people, whatever clothes their job dressed them in. He wanted his son to realize that nobody was better than him, that everybody was equal, no matter who they were and what they had accomplished. You can imagine this gave his young son a lot of confidence, confidence that your children could benefit from. Just because other kids live in bigger houses or have more illustrious last names, does that mean they are better? Just because other kids do or don’t wear glasses, do or don’t have their own car, do or don’t go on weekend ski trips, do or don’t receive financial aid, what does that mean? It means nothing. If you want to raise a kid that challenges the status quo, that fulfills their potential, that looks at the world without prejudice, teach them that. The other side of that lesson for Feynman was humility and it’s why you should teach it to your kids too. Feynman didn’t think his Nobel Prize made him special—in fact, he was reluctant to accept it. Because he disliked the pomp and circumstance and he knew that accolades don’t make you any more or less right. He didn’t need a special hat to feel good about himself, and he didn’t like getting the attention—when the work was what mattered. Nobody is better than your kids and your kids are not better than anyone else. The sooner they realize that, the better.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Kids are crazy, right? When they’re hungry, they are rude and difficult to manage. They are demanding and seem incapable, most of the time, of doing anything for themselves. They are totally ungrateful for what people do for them. In fact, a lot of the time they are completely unaware that anyone exists in the world but themselves. This is not new, obviously. In the 1600s, the French satirist Jean de La Bruyère captured the timelessness of the selfishness of the young. “Children are overbearing,” he wrote, “supercilious, passionate, envious, inquisitive, egotistical, idle, fickle, timid, intemperate, liars, and dissemblers; they laugh and weep easily, are excessive in their joys and sorrows, and that about the most trifling objects; they bear no pain, but like to inflict it on others.” It’s all true. And so is the kicker with which he ended his observation, “...already they are men.”The point being: Before you complain about how selfish and crazy your kids are, we ought to look in the mirror. Don’t we get hangry? Don’t we take people for granted? Don’t we alternate between elation and frustration? Don’t we get excited by trivial things? Aren’t we incapable of regulating our emotions and our desires? And haven’t we had a lot more time to practice these things too?Cut them a break. You cut yourself plenty.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Who among us is not insecure? We look around and see people who make more money. Who have bigger houses. Who have accomplished more than we have. This insecurity is compounded by social media, but it is also timeless. There’s a story that Julius Caesar once stood in front of a statue of Alexander the Great. At the age Caesar was at that moment, Alexander the Great had already conquered the world. By comparison, Caesar had done almost nothing. While there might be some motivational benefits to this insecurity, it’s probably not the best way to live. And does anyone think they do good work while telling themselves they are not enough? Might fullness and confidence actually be a better place—cognitively, creatively, emotionally—to approach your work and your life from than craving? You don’t make great work feeling like a piece of shit. You make great work knowing you are capable of making great work. In any case, the Catholic activist—and possibly future saint—Dorothy Day had a good observation that we can think about today as a way of putting some of those insecurities to bed. Because whatever you do, wherever you are in your career and life, there is something you should be taking great satisfaction and meaning in—there is something you should be incredibly proud of yourself for: the person(s) you have created. As she writes:“If I had written the greatest book, composed the greatest symphony, painted the most beautiful painting or carved the most exquisite figure, I could not have felt the more exalted creator than I did when they placed my child in my arms...No human creature could recieve or contain so vast a flood of love and joy as I felt after the birth of my child. With this came the need to worship, to adore.” That feeling, that feeling you felt the first day you held your children. The feeling you feel when they run into your arms and call you daddy. Or when they come into your room to ask for advice. Or when you sit across the table from them and watch them eat. That feeling—the pride, the love, the connection—this is the feeling to carry with you. You made that. You were the exalted creator of that. It might not be a billion dollar tech startup, it might not be a Grammy-winning album or the Mona Lisa, but it’s one hell of a something. And it’s only the beginning. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We talked before about how MacArthur had a kind of scheduled morning craziness with his son Arthur, who would enter his room promptly at 7am and pummel his father awake. Then together they’d sing songs—old army songs Douglas had taught him—with Arthur still slurring his R’s—while dad shaved and got ready for work.As William Manchester observes in his amazing biography of the complicated man, MacArthur believed that his son was the only one who appreciated his singing. “He was wrong,” Manchester wrote. “Everyone around him appreciated it because they saw the changes the boy had wrought in him.” MacArthur, whose only child was born when he was 58, and was already one of the most powerful men in the army, had always been active and firm. But with a young boy running around, he became alive in a way that he had never been before. He laughed. He loved. He let his guard down. Manchester beautifully captures what fatherhood has done for countless fathers for all time: A snapshot of the three MacArthurs, taken on the boy’s third birthday, shows Arthur in a sailor suit, his mother in a flower-trimmed frock, and his father in khaki. The General’s expression can only be described as adoring. Acclaim, achievements, decorations, and high rank had come to him early. Now, in his sixties, he had found serenity.You have been given a wonderful gift—actually that’s not quite right, you have helped create a wonderful gift. Now you have to give yourself over to it. You have to truly accept it and let it into your heart. Not just once, for the first time, when they are young and so irresistibly cute, but over and over again as you both get older. Let it keep making you better. Let it give you serenity. Have fun. Get crazy. Be adoring. Relax your guard. Keep changing. You deserve it and so does everyone around you.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We live in a world awash with ego. We see it every day. We can see the ego of our boss, and how it has turned the office against them. We can see ego in politicians and professional athletes. We can see it in our kid’s teacher, perhaps, when they get in some pissing match with another parent or are threatened by a precious student. As they get older, we can even see ego in our own kids—thinking they can ace a test without studying or advance in sports without practicing.The laundry list of out of control egos is easy to write. But it’s interesting to think that putting it together may in fact be our own ego distracting us from ourselves. Because by focusing on the problems other people’s egos are causing we excuse ourselves from looking in the mirror at our own.Today and every day, dads should take a moment to just think about where ego is holding them back. Is the power struggle with your teenager actually over anything important or is this just you demanding to be in control? “You can’t learn that which you think you already know,” Epictetus once said. Well, what things are you holding yourself back from learning because you’re a know-it-all? The pissing contest you got into with a teacher? The pissing contest you’re still in with your dad? The hours you work, the money you spend, the car you drive—is there ego tied up in any of these? Any chance it’s warping your priorities? Any chance it’s getting you into trouble? Ego is the enemy. Always. Of everything, but especially of the things that really matter in this life: happiness, a family that gets along, improving, contentment, forgiveness, stillness.You know it. So stop thinking about other people and work on yourself. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you haven’t seen the fascinating Netflix documentary about Rachel Dolezal, a troubled woman who pretended to be black when she’s actually white, you should. It’s not worth getting into the controversial racial issues that the documentary brings up, but it’s worth watching them in the documentary, since it shows them in all their very human complexity and contradiction. What is worth noting here is a comment that one of Rachel’s adopted younger brothers (who she ended up raising herself) says about their missionary foster parents. He says something like: The one job of parents is to give their children a childhood they don’t have to spend years of therapy processing. Certainly that’s a low bar. The only lower bar is literally keeping them alive. But it’s worth bringing up because of how many parents fail to meet it, even as they succeed in other ways. Sure, you helped turn your son into a professional football player, but to do it, you cultivated an insatiable desire to win that prevents him from ever enjoying those victories. Or you got your daughter into Harvard, but you were so strict and demanding that her poor self-esteem makes her tolerate the worst kind of people in relationships. Your kids get one life. What kind of life are you raising them to have? They get one sense of self. Are you giving them a kind or a harsh one?The world would be a better place if dads took the time to actively think about what the ramifications of their decisions are going to be. Imagine your son or your daughter on a therapist’s couch in the future. Of course they’re going to be talking about you—that’s almost all anyone talks about in therapy. But perhaps that image might stop you from having that affair, it might make you go a little easier on them, it might help you respond better in that critical situation when they come to you and say, “Mom, Dad, I have to tell you guys something. This isn’t easy but...”Do you need to have that argument with your spouse? Can you let it go? Why not do something about your anger problem? (More on that here). Or your drinking problem? Or your weight problem? Maybe you don’t need to push your religious beliefs so hard? Maybe you can give them space to explore their own political leanings instead of belittling them? And at the same time, maybe if you were a little less busy and a little more attentive, maybe you’d stop missing all their cries for help or that problem that’s been brewing for some time?Your job is not to make them rich. Not to make them smarter than everyone else. All those trappings are extra. What your real job is, is to give them a childhood they don’t need therapy to get over. Start there.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You might not think of Tom Hanks as a father, but he is one. He had four kids, two from his first marriage, Colin and Elizabeth, and two from his second, Chet and Truman. You might not think of Tom Hanks as someone who messes up, or someone who would struggle at something as wholesome as being a dad, but again, you’d be wrong. A recent New York Times profile spent some time talking with Hanks about fatherhood, and the reality of what it was like to have his first two kids while he was still an up and coming actor. Colin and Elizabeth were growing up while their father was still trying to get parts, trying to make a living and pay the rent, as Hanks puts it. But by the time Chet and Truman were born, he was long past that. They grew up with a dad who was much more secure, who didn’t have to audition anymore, who was famous and beloved. Does he feel guilty about some of those mistakes? Absolutely. How has it affected his parenting style? It’s made him much more understanding, much more patient, and ultimately, much more responsible. As he explained: It isn’t easy being a parent, not for any of us. Somewhere along the line, I figured out, the only thing really, I think, eventually a parent can do is say I love you, there’s nothing you can do wrong, you cannot hurt my feelings, I hope you will forgive me on occasion, and what do you need me to do? You offer up that to them. I will do anything I can possibly do in order to keep you safe. That’s it. Offer that up and then just love them.Beautiful, yeah? And humanizing, too? Look, if you think you’re not going to mess up as a Dad, you’re in for a rude surprise. If you think the struggles you’re going through in your career, in your marriage, in your life are not going to affect your kids, you’re being naive. But you can’t whip yourself about that. All you can do is try to learn from your failings and keep going. You can keep showing up and asking, “What do you need me to do?” You can offer that. You can love them.And if you keep doing it, you’ll get some of the flashes of a happy family that Tom Hanks talks about in the article, the kind that make life worth living.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

A while back, we talked over at Daily Stoic about one of Seneca’s remedies for a hot temper. Try to catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror some time when you’re upset, he said, and you’ll be appalled at how you look. We talk about this exercise a bit in our course on anger, but the logic is worth considering for any dad. Anger might feel deserved or appropriate, but it almost always looks awful. The next time you are out, try watching for other dads who are getting angered by something their kids are doing. Or observe the crowd at your son or daughter’s next baseball game. Track that family traveling on vacation at the airport, or people at the table across from you at dinner. Because it’s as close to a look in the mirror as you’re likely to get. How do you think you look when you tell your son way too loudly to “Sit down. I told you already, sit down!” when they bounce around with too much energy? How do you think you look as you grab their arm with frustration and jerk them closer to you in line? Do you think you sound good threatening—like some tyrant—to take away some basic privilege of theirs because they’re not behaving exactly as you like? Or when you shout at them to hurry up at the airport? You think you don’t sound like a bully when you belittle and criticize them for messing up again? You think you don’t look like a monster when, after the argument escalates and escalates, you slap them across the face?You look terrible. You look as awful and shameful as the people looked when you saw them do it in public, to their kids, as you tried to avert your gaze. You looked like Tom Izzo, yelling at that player during March Madness, and everyone else feels like the other players who wanted to step in and restrain him. No one looks good angry. No one would want to catch a reflection of themselves in the heat of the moment. Which is why we have to catch ourselves first. Which is why we have to do the work on ourselves now, before we become the thing we cannot stand to look at.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

One of the things you have trouble adjusting to when you first have kids is the crying. Not just because it’s loud, but because it feels like you’re being stabbed in the heart. We are not meant, evolutionarily, to be good at ignoring crying babies—especially ones we are related to. It provokes us in a very deep place, and that’s a good thing. But, as they get older, you’ll have to learn how to manage this. Because it’s inevitable that your children will be upset, even cry, throughout their lives. You son will fall and hurt himself. Your daughter will be angry that her toy broke. They’ll be sad. They’ll get dumped. They’ll be heartbroken. They’ll get fired and they will fail.As a father, you have to understand this critical lesson: Tears are not indictments. They are facts. They are not problems for you to solve, or charges for you to defend yourself against. They are pronouncements. What your kids need is for you to listen to them. To hear what they are saying. No more. No less. They don’t need a lecture. They don’t need you to tell them how they can avoid this next time. They definitely don’t need to be told how this is not a big deal...or conversely, how this is a huge deal and totally their fault. They just need you. They need dad. They need dad to understand. Got it? By the way...this advice should apply to your marriage or relationships too.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It’s fitting that one of the most important things you can do as a parent would require you to think about a thing that’s very nearly impossible for a parent to even consider. It comes to us from Marcus Aurelius by way of Epictetus: As you kiss your son good night, says Epictetus, whisper to yourself, “He may be dead in the morning.” Don’t tempt fate, you say. By talking about a natural event? Is fate tempted when we speak of grain being reaped?Of course, this is not an easy thing to do. It goes against all our impulses. But we must do it. Because life is fleeting and the world is cruel. Marcus lost 5 children. 5! Seneca, we gather, lost one early too. It should never happen, but it does. It heartbreakingly-world-wreckingly-nobody-deserves-it does. And it’s not that we hope that Marcus Aurelius and Seneca’s philosophical training prepared them for the pain of losing a child (nothing can prepare you for that). What we hope is that this exercise meant they didn’t waste a single second of the time they did get with their beautiful children.A parent who faces the fact that they can lose a child at any moment is a parent who is present. Who loves. Who does not hold onto stupid things or enforce stupid rules. A great dad looks at the cruel world and says, “I know what you can do to my family in the future, but for the moment you’ve spared me. I will not take that for granted.” Anxiety? Keeping up with the Joneses? Caring about getting into that exclusive pre-school or into Harvard? Who cares?It can all go away in a second. There’s nothing we can do about that. We can, however, drink in the present. We can be what they need right now. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Douglas MacArthur was a man of routine, most military men are. So it shouldn’t surprise us that he built a family life around routine. But unlike far too many fathers who make routine a form of control, MacArthur’s morning routine was about fun—it was about starting the day off right.As the peerless William Manchester details in his book American Caesar, the morning time was one of the best times at the MacArthur household. In fact, it was kind of scheduled crazy fun: When Arthur began to walk, and then to talk, father and son developed a morning ceremony. At about 7:30 A.M. the door of the General’s bedroom would open and the boy would trudge in clutching his favorite toy, a stuffed rabbit with a scraggly mustache which he called “Old Friend.” MacArthur would instantly bound out of bed and snap to attention. Then the General marched around the room in quickstep while his son counted cadence: “Boom! Boom! Boomity boom!” After they had passed the bed several times, the child would cover his eyes with his hands while MacArthur produced the day’s present: a piece of candy, perhaps, or a crayon, or a coloring book. The ritual would end in the bathroom, where MacArthur would shave while Arthur watched and both sang duets.And it didn’t just happen when Arthur was young. As he got older, while his father ruled post-war Japan, Arthur would wake at 7am, and according to Manchester, “rush into the General’s bedroom and pummel him.We talked before about Ulysses S. Grant’s evening wrestling matches with his kids. We talked about the epic games in the yard that Harmon Killebrew’s father knew was killing his grass but helping raise his kids. Well, we shouldn’t just be talking about this, we shouldn’t just be thinking it was cute that MacArthur and Grant let their guard down at home. We have to do the same thing.No one is too important or too busy to have some crazy time at home. No one is above getting pummeled by their kid in bed. No father should hesitate before singing at the top of their lungs while they shave. These moments are the best moments. If they’re rare, you’re doing it wrong. They should be regular. Maybe like MacArthur, they should be scheduled every morning for 7:30.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Cato the Younger was not an easy man to get to do something. If he felt it went against his conscience or that it was illogical, you’d have an easier time convincing a fish to climb a tree. That’s just how he was. All his life.So, as you can imagine, Cato was not an easy student. He resisted anyone and everyone who tried to tell him what to do. Plutarch, one of his biographers, observed that “to learn is simply to allow something to be done to you and to be quickly persuaded is natural for those who are less able to offer resistance.” This is why we start instructing our kids in the important things so early, even when it seems like they are way too young. Because if we wait, they’ll be able to easily fight us off and resist the lessons they will need in life. Cato was an obstinate student, Plutarch tells us—“in each case he demanded the reason and wanted to know the why and wherefore.” But this resistance was nothing compared to what Julius Caesar and Pompey faced when they tried to bowl Cato over as an adult, when they tried to show him how the world really worked. It was nothing compared to what other corrupt and dishonest politicians experienced when they tried to show Cato what was in his “best interest.”While Cato had been a resistant learner, what his teachers were able to get up and over his defenses really stuck. Those lessons about right and wrong, about doing your duty, about the history of Rome—those lessons were etched into steel. And no one was ever able to teach him otherwise...even with the threat of death or a bribe of many dollars. We have to teach our kids early. We have to push past their reservations. Of course they would rather play video games. Of course it’s more fun to goof off. But now is the time. Before they can fight us off with their full determination. Before the cement is completely dry. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

One of the best lines from Seneca is that while we can’t choose our parents, we do have the ability to choose whose children we will be. In ancient Rome this was even more true than it sounds, because it was common for people to be adopted into families. Seneca’s brother, Lucius Annaeus Novatus, for instance, was adopted by a man named Gallio, whose name he eventually took (and if that name sounds familiar, it’s because Seneca’s brother is in the Bible).In any case, this idea is worth thinking about now that you’re a parent. Instead of thinking about how you parents were, and using that as an excuse for whatever type of parent is easiest and most natural, why don’t you think about who you wish your parents were. Maybe that’s a specific person or maybe that’s just an ideal that you’ve seen in a movie or read about in a book. Maybe it’s a combination of the mother of one of your friends, and then someone else has become a father-figure and mentor to you since. Or maybe it’s Mr. Rogers and Ms. Frizzle from Magical School Bus. Or maybe it’s Socrates and Oprah. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you try to live as if that is whose child you were and are. We want to eliminate the excuse of “Oh that’s just how I was raised” and “It’s what I saw growing up.” Instead we want to flip it from a rationalization to an encouragement. I am this way because it’s what my “parents” taught me to be. I’m a great dad because I had a great dad (or dads). I am carrying on the tradition. I am passing along the love and the lessons I got.You can’t choose your parents. They did the best they could. But you can choose whose footsteps you’re going to follow in, and in so doing, what kind of parents your kids are going to have.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It’s a sad sight when you see a dad who has clearly stopped trying. He puts on weight. He checks out of his marriage. Maybe he starts drinking more. He resigns himself to the fact that he hates his job. He accepts whatever grades his kids bring home from school. He makes their behavior somebody else’s problem. We see that dad and we think, “I never want to be that guy.”Good. Ok. But what steps are you following to make sure you don’t? In the startup world, they said that if your company isn’t growing, it’s dying. In a way, it’s sort of true for people too. If you’re not actively developing yourself, what’s happening? You’re atrophying. You’re getting worse. Epictetus liked to quote Socrates, that he delighted in attending to his own improvement day to day. Brilliant. And in a way, the perfect thing for you to be thinking about as we head into a new year. How are you improving yourself day to day? Are you working out? Are you reading? Are you setting goals for yourself? Are you clocking in at home as well as at the office? Your kids will be better served by a father that’s getting better. More importantly, they will be inspired by your example. Show them that you’re trying—that we can never stop trying—and they’ll follow you in their own way.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It’s hard to picture Fred Rogers as a parent. Of course, we can easily recall him as Mr. Rogers, patiently and lovingly explaining things to generations of young viewers at home. But that was his work. Could he have really been like that at his home? Or was he much less perfect there—losing his temper, stressed about money, involved with himself?Obviously no one really knows the answer to this but his kids, but from the various recent documentaries we are told Fred Rogers was a great dad. We know that Fred Rogers tried very hard to be the same kind and understanding man that he was for other people’s children with his own. Did he have his own issues? His own flaws? Absolutely. Who doesn’t? But he also knew the stakes were too high to simply leave it at that: When we choose to be parents, we accept another human being as part of ourselves, and a large part of our emotional selves will stay with that person as long as we live. From that time on, there will be another person on this earth whose orbit around us will affect us as surely as the moon affects the tides, and affect us in some ways more deeply than anyone else can. Our children are extensions of ourselves.Our responsibilities as parents extend far beyond just putting a roof over their head and packing lunches for school. It includes working on our own emotional issues and ourselves so that the little people in our orbit don’t get thrown out of whack (remember John Wooden’s advice: A Little Fellow Follows You). We can’t be consummate professionals at work only to come home, loosen our tie or our belts, and then just wallow in our personal status quo. We have to be growing, improving, actively working to provide a good example and a safe place for our kids to grow and learn. We chose to bring them in the world. They depend on us and watch our every move. Now we owe it to them to live up to the stakes of the situation we have created. Every. Single. Day. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We’re always in a rush. We have to get them ready for school. We have to get them off to bed. We have to get to the airport. We have to get back inside. We have to finish up dinner. We are, as parents, it seems, perpetually short of time and always eager to get to the next thing. But it’s worth stopping and thinking this morning, what we are actually rushing to and what we are rushing away from. You’re wrapping up bedtime quickly, why? So you can sit and watch Netflix after they’re asleep? You cannot stand for them to be late to school, why? Fear of other parents judging you? You want to be to the airport how early? And for what reason? Because it recommends doing so on your ticket?As dads, when we rush, we should know that we are hurrying through life. We are zipping through their childhood—the exact thing that we will stop and miss at some point not long from now. How much of this will seem important then? How much would we give for a few minutes back here, that right now we seem to want to be over as quickly as possible?We are rushing through the 18 summers we get from them at home. We are rushing through the few hundred breakfasts before they are sullen, hormonal teenagers. We are rushing out early in the 4th quarter to beat traffic in one of the last football games we’ll be able to see together before they have kids of their own. We are rushing towards an uncertain future—one in which we might have cancer, in which a war might break out, or one in which we might be much, much busier with work than we are now. So slow down. Enjoy it. They call it “the present” for a reason—because it is a gift. Appreciate it. Don’t scarf it down. Savor it.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The ubiquity of the word “energy” these days is probably a sign of how pervasive pseudo-science and charlatans have become. We are inundated with energy healers and energy crystals. You can hire consultants to analyze your company’s energy. You can take a sound bath to remove negative energy, or have an aura reader interpret the energy you put out into the world.Yet for all that nonsense, energy is a real thing in parenting. Just as Cesar Milan talks about projecting the right energy to your dog, so too can your kids pick up on the energy you are emanating. Bad day at work? They can feel it. Hate where you live? They can feel it. Pissed off at your spouse? They can tell, even if you only argue when they’re asleep. Why are your kids running around like crazy, acting like monsters today? Well, maybe you ought to check what kind of energy you’re generating. Why is your son hitting his little brother? Maybe because you’re a ball of tension and frustration, and it’s contagious. Why is your daughter being such a terror? Maybe that resentment your wife is holding on to has something to do with it. Maybe she just couldn’t stand how things were at breakfast this morning—how awkward and weird it was.When you see behavior and attitude problems, adjust your energy first. Look in the mirror first. If you want a happy home, a home with kindness and love and peace, then bring that energy with you. Project it consciously and deliberately—show that things are good with you and they will be better with everyone else.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It’s easy to think that money is the solution to most of the problems of parenting. After all, we remember our own childhood and the things that money could have provided us. If only we could have had Invisalign instead of those awkward braces...If only we could have lived in a better neighborhood...If only Mom and Dad didn’t have to be so stressed...If only we could have afforded coaches or tutors, we could have gone pro or gotten into Harvard. It’s true, money does make some things better. It’s certainly better to have it than not have it (Seneca was right when he called wealth a “preferred indifferent,” not good or bad, but nice to have). But it’s a mistake to think that money will magically create a magical childhood for your kids. It’s not true that money will guarantee them a good life or prevent them from feeling pain or loss. It’s not true, as we have written, that money is even high on their list of needs. What kids actually want is you. What kids actually need is Dad. As Dear Abby quite brilliantly put it in a column back in the 1950s, “If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money.” You can’t pay someone to be there for your kids. You can’t pay someone to do the job only you can do. Sure, money can make things easier, but it is no substitute for quality time (or garbage time). It will never be as important as what you can provide by being hands on, by being a good example, by showing them you care for them and value them. And the proof of this is how many people—including you and your own childhood—were able to turn out just fine without much money.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

It’s so easy to make threats as a dad. If you don’t stop that, I’m going to turn the TV off. If you don’t start being nicer to your brother, we’re going to go home. You have to pick up your clothes first, or else there is no snack. You do it when they’re little, and if you remember your own childhood, it keeps happening all the way through—about curfew, about grades, about keeping their room clean, about how you talk to people. But while making threats is easy, keeping one’s word is harder. Because the link you made between a clean room and the TV was totally artificial and you didn’t really mean it. Because you still want to go to the basketball game with your daughter, and really don’t want to have to enforce it as a punishment. Think about Obama and the red line he drew in Syria. He meant it...but he didn’t really mean it, and when his bluff got called, the whole national security picture changed. As a parent, it’s critical that you mean what you say. So enforce every threat with the firmness of a dictator? No, how about you make fewer threats? How about you stop forcing things together that you’re not serious about? This way when you do make a causal link, it’s because it matters. When you draw a line, know that it’s worth enforcing. Know that you will enforce it. So your kids learn that words mean something. Specifically that your words mean something.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Falling in love with your spouse is great. Making a lot of money is awesome. Crushing it at work is too. It’s nice to have a big house or to go out and have a wonderful night with friends. But nothing is quite like coming home and having your kid rush to give you a hug. When they fall asleep on you on the couch. When they climb on your shoulders. When you hear them coming around the corner, excitedly saying your name and they jump into your bed. Nothin’s better, as Bruce Springsteen put it, than blood on blood. There is a lot of great stuff in life, but nothing is better than family. That’s what he’s saying. The blood relation is not what he’s talking about. He’s talking about the bond. The people you look the other way for. The people you’d do anything for. The people who you are doing all this for. So the question to think about today is: If this really is the best and most important thing, are you really building your life around it? If nothing feels better than that hug, than wrestling on the floor, than carrying them in your arms to throw them in the pool on a summer afternoon, then why isn’t it happening more often? We pull extra hours at the office to get promoted. We take risks to make investments with our money. We make plans to see friends or have fun. But do we actively sacrifice and scheme so that we might have more of the one pleasure that tops them all? Do we actively prioritize the thing that truly matters most? Those moments when blood is on blood, when family is together?Crazy, isn’t it?See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You can sit your kids down to watch what you think is the greatest movie of all time, and they’ll get bored and fall asleep. You can get floor seats to an NBA game and they’ll roll their eyes. You can introduce them to your fanciest, most important friends and they’ll want to go back to whatever they were doing before you called them over. It’s almost a rule that kids don’t care about what you really, really want them to care about. And yet, there is something about kids that also seems to resemble that hilarious line from Homer Simpson. “I’m not easily impressed,” he tells Mr. Burns as they’re driving. Then he looks out the window and shouts, “Whoa! A blue car!”Your kids might not understand how expensive those floor seats were, but they love that there is free popcorn. They might not appreciate that classic movie, but they can also play in the dirt with rapt presence for three hours. They don’t care about your billionaire boss, but they think Grandma and Grandpa are the two coolest people in the entire world. Whether they admit it or not, they think you are cool. That’s why they copy you, that’s why they want to put on your shoes, that’s why the t-shirt you gave them from when you were young is the one they love to sleep in every night. Kids aren’t easily impressed, and yet somehow they are. It’s really that they see through most of the constructs us adults have taken for granted. They can naturally do what Marcus Aurelius practices in Meditations, the art of stripping things of the “legend that encrusts them.” Meanwhile, they also see simple, ordinary things for all the wonder and beauty that the rest of us miss. They see how little most things matter, and see how much other things do. And in this we can learn a great deal from them.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Perhaps you’re familiar with the scene in the Bible where Moses—aided by God—parts the Red Sea. It was a miracle of epic proportions that allowed the Israelites to race through and escape the Egyptians who were chasing them. Lesser known about the miracle is what happens next. When Moses released the sea, the Egyptians were trapped. The water crashed around them and thousands perished.Naturally, the Israelites broke out in song and celebration. As the angels went to join them, God rebuked them, according to the Talmud. “How dare you sing for joy,” it was written, “when My creatures are dying.”Now whether any of this actually happened or not doesn’t change the lesson. It is easy in the midst of victory and success to think of how wonderful this is for you. It’s also easy to forget who or what your “winning” might have come at the expense of. We must be careful not only to be good sports in this life, but empathetic and caring enough to realize that things are not always as great for other people as they are for us. Proverbs 24:17 expresses it well: “Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth.” It’s these kinds of ancient and timeless lessons that we must pass along to our children (to say nothing of following ourselves). If you are reading this email, you are privileged in some way. You can afford a computer. You are alive. You are literate. You are lucky enough to have children and know that they are safe. Fate has not been so kind to everyone else. There are others out there drowning. Somebody at a factory in China had to make the computer or smartphone you are looking at right now. Others didn’t get to go to school. They have no help, no one is looking out for them. You can still enjoy what you have and you should still want to win in life. But don’t be so clueless and self-absorbed as to not care that other people are suffering. And don’t raise children who are indifferent to it either. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

There’s a story that occurs constantly in the biographies of many creative and brilliant people. It goes something like this: As a kid they had a question—maybe it was about how car engines work, or what Antarctica is like. It doesn’t matter if the question is about history or science or animals, because their dads all had the same response. They said, “I don’t know, but let’s go figure it out!” So they went to the library or the hardware store or the computer and they dug around and they found they answer. What this experience did was instill the young versions of these notable figures with a few essential lessons that set them on their paths: 1) their fathers actually listened and cared; 2) curiosity is the starting point of a great adventure; and 3) there are places, like the library or the internet or some wise old neighbor, where answers can be found. Most importantly though, they learned something well-expressed in the title of Marie Forleo’s new book: they learned that “Everything is Figureoutable.” Problems can be solved. Ignorance can be eliminated. Answers can be tracked down. The unknown can be made familiar. Things can be discovered.Your job is to teach that. Today and every day. It’s to actually listen to their questions...and then help them find the answers. That doesn’t mean give them the answers. It means teaching them how to figure things out for themselves. Teach them to love the process. Teach them to get excited about it. Teach them to head to the library or the laptop, the telephone, or their science teacher. Everything is figureoutable. Big and small. But it takes someone to help them figure that out. It takes you.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We take care of our own, we say. Family is family. Blood is thicker than water. These are noble sentiments that have encouraged beautiful sacrifice, forgiveness, and accomplishments. One problem with it though is that it too easily justifies provincialism and nepotism. A recent social critic observed that not long ago when people talked about getting together to do something “for our kids,” whether it was build a swimming pool or invest in education, it was obvious that they meant everybody’s kids. Or, at least, they meant more than just their biological kids.But unfortunately, that’s changed. When we say “our own” we don’t think Americans or whatever country we live in, we think race. Or we think our blood relatives. That’s awful. This system we live in demands that we think of ourselves as more than just parents to our own kids. We have to think generationally. We can’t just think about getting ours, or protecting ours. We have to think like a village, like a group.The Stoics remind us that we are “made for each other.” Marcus Aurelius spoke dozens of times about the “common good.” He didn’t just care about his kids. He cared about everybody’s kids. Because that’s what justice—what doing the right thing—demands of us. It’s better to think of “our kids” as everybody. We’re all in this together, every single dad. We’re all better if we’re doing better, together. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Emily Oster is a writer and a thinker after our own heart. Frustrated with all the bad parenting advice—most of which seems to be based on old wives’ tales and ridiculously bad data—she set out to apply her economist training to the subject of parenting. What kind of sleep training is best? Formula or breastfeeding? Screen time, good or bad?The result was her book Cribsheet: A Data-Driven Guide to Better, More Relaxed Parenting from Birth to Preschool, which is worth reading and recommending to anyone with young kids. But what’s so interesting about the book is where it ends, which is not with some data driven insight but something completely anecdotal, and yet totally true. Oster, about to take her daughter on an international trip, anxiously asked the pediatrician what would happen if her daughter was stung by a bee while they were away. What if she’s allergic? What if something bad happens? You know the script, what if, what if, what if?The doctor’s reply: “I’d just try not to think about that.”As Emily explained in an interview:I think about that advice all the time because it’s pretty broadly applicable to a lot of things in parenting. We can get caught up in every tiny decision and miss the enjoyment of parenting and the part of this that’s supposed to be fun. It just pushed against some of my worse instincts as a parent to just obsess over everything. Sometimes you just have to accept that you cannot control everything. That’s hard, but it’s part of the fun. Also, the kid was eventually stung by a bee, and it was totally fine.Selective ignorance seems like a dangerous parenting strategy, and, of course, if practiced all the time, would be. But there is no way you’re going to be a good dad if all you do is worry about everything that could possibly happen. There’s no way you’ll be present or fun or attentive if your mind is constantly running through worst case scenarios. There’s no way you’ll get the big decisions right if you’re sweating every tiny decision. There are some things it’s better not to think about. There are some times when we just need to accept that we’re winging it. There are some problems we’ll just have to solve when we get to them--if we even have to get to them. In the meantime, we’ve got plenty of other things to do...so go do it!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You love your kids more than anything. You think they’re God’s gift (which they are, to you!). You want them to know how you feel about them, and you feel bad when they feel bad about themselves. These are all perfectly healthy and laudable feelings.At the same time, we have to make sure we’re not puffing up their ego with our endless praise and our very natural bias towards their virtues and blindness to their vices. Seneca knew this balance was not easy—it isn’t for any parent. It’s hard for grandparents and uncles too. But if our goal is to raise well-adjusted, self-aware kids, we’ll have to work for it. Even if our instinct is to rush over and tell them they’re the greatest, most special-est little kiddo there ever was. As Seneca writes in his essay, Of Anger, this requires speaking honestly—with kindness—and holding them accountable for their actions. Even if that pains us. He explains:Flattery, then, must be kept well out of the way of children. Let a child hear the truth, and sometimes fear it: let him always reverence it. Let him rise in the presence of his elders. Let him obtain nothing by flying into a passion: let him be given when he is quiet what was refused him when he cried for it: let him behold, but not make use of his father's wealth: let him be reproved for what he does wrong. It will be advantageous to furnish boys with even-tempered teachers and paedagogi: what is soft and unformed clings to what is near, and takes its shape: the habits of young men reproduce those of their nurses and paedagogi.Seneca knew what he was talking about because he saw Nero’s mother do the opposite. She indulged his every whim. She cleared every obstacle out of his path. She made him think he was infallible and invincible. By the time she brought in an even-tempered teacher like Seneca around to be a good influence, it was too late. She had ruined her son. And he in turn ruined himself and nearly ruined Rome.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

One of the unusual side effects of our modern lives is how siloed work is for most people. “Work” is a place you drive to in the morning and come home from in the evening. It’s what you’re doing while your kids are at school, or in other cases, while they’re asleep at night. Great dads (and healthy people) aspire to what we call “work life balance” which only further perpetuates this silo. Work is not supposed to intersect with your time with your kids. The problem? Well, where are your kids supposed to learn the importance of work ethic? How are they supposed to know what a hard working dad looks like if they never actually get to see it? How are they supposed to learn what work looks like at all?There is an old Latin expression A bove maiori discit arare minor. The younger ox learns to plow from the elder. That’s because the oxen would be harnessed in together. The kid would not only get to see their dad do what they do, they’d be literally strapped into it together. Obviously good boundaries are important. Obviously you don’t want your work life to overwhelm or interfere with your home life. But make sure that striving for this balance doesn’t accidentally deprive your kid of an important example—Dad, the provider. Dad, the protector. Dad, the hard-working guy they can hold up as an inspiration. It doesn’t matter what your profession is, whether you’re a CEO or a stay-at-home dad or you’ve since retired. Show your kids your work. Show ‘em how much you put into it. Let them see you sweat. It’s good for you and it’s good for them.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.